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154A. This Episode Is All That!

Skodwarde cannot be shown tonight due to a Writer's strike. Instead, a Good Burger sketch will take its place.

The sketch opens with Ed, the idiot cashier at the Good Burger restaurant, tapping on the counter and singing "I'm a dude, he's a dude, she's a dude, 'cause we're all dudes. HEY!"

Somehow in the process of singing that, Ed ends up breaking the concrete, closest to where a Drive-Thru would be, with his foot. Not wanting to get in trouble from his boss, Mr. Baily, Ed does the most logical thing possible - repairing the broken concrete with TOOTHPASTE!

...of course, you logical readers, have probably guessed that this didn't worked out as planned. In fact, it only made things worse. In the process, Ed made MORE concrete break!

So Mr. Baily walks in from his manger office, witnessing what Ed has done. Mr. Baily, having enough of Ed's antics, gets ready to fire him but out of nowhere, Connie Muldoon drives up through the hole, thinking it's a drive-thru.

Mr. Baily sees dollar signs in his eyes, and makes Ed be in charge of the new Drive-Thru. Unfortunately for Ed, his new reigns as The King of the Drive-Thru go horribly bad when Connie Muldoon orders a shit ton of stuff like this:

Not hearing a word she said, Ed just goes with his catchphrase:



Connie drives away angrily after that. Then, Bernie Kibbitz comes by in his car (mouthing off at how drive-thrus suck and he remembers the good old days - you know, old people stuff). But since he takes too long to order any shit, Lester Oaks - CONSTRUCTION WORKER - rams into him. And then another car rams into him. And then another, and then another, and then so many cars rammed into each other that the biggest pile-up in history is created - all because of a drive-thru.

The Mayor then comes into Good Burger to complain about the pile up, to which Ed responds to by making even more holes!

...which makes the entire Good Burger restaurant building collapse into a million pieces.


Don't worry, your regularly scheduled Skodwarde will return next time with more cum and swears galore!

Oh and #The90sAren'tAllThat


Edited by jjsthekid
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154b. The Hot Shot
It was a painfully average morning at Mrs. Puff's Blowjob School of Sex and Supremacy On Top. The janitor had a surprisingly little amount of work to do and Mrs. Puff herself had actually fallen asleep in class while a student was presenting his theory on daytime television, leaving the students to fuck around in more ways than one. God of Supremacy Orange Cop had only brought one lawbreaker to the school instead of the usual five a day and the day was as boring as a drill. Skodwarde senses a disturbance at his house and uses his god powers to summon famous porn star Tony Fast and his son Tony Fast Jr. to erect some chaos at the school. Why, we will never know.
SpongeBob had only just been magically poofed back into the world after Good Burger had took over the universe for 11 minutes; despite this, he continued on with his life as usual, arriving at the school to find erectile dysfunction, for the school had become so bored all of the fish had tried to leave; but they became bored with that, losing so much interest in everything they became stiff wood. But then Janitor Blowfish had to give the school a new paintjob when Tony Fast and his son came on the scene, erecting so much interest in all the fish, that their dysfunction was somehow cured! Tony explains that he's come to the school to give his son a good education in the art of intercourse, and before he leaves, he does something so unimaginable the whole town needs a paint job. After his dad leaves, Tony Fast Jr. struts his STUFF down the school, getting the students so horny they could pass for a rhinoceros; except for SpongeBob, who's blood explicitly protects him from even giving a fuck. Puff prompts the students to treat Tony Fast Jr. as one of them: until asking Jr. to sign her Daytuna Action lunchbox, ruling the rule null in the first place.
School lessons went along. SpongeBob continually failed and failed to perform in all areas, getting an F on all assignments. Tony Fast Jr. got on the honor roll list only for existing. Time went on, and Mrs. Puff realized that in order to turn SpongeBob into a sexual tyrannosaur, he needs to LEARN from a sexual tyrannosaur. After laughing a laugh so evil a superhero almost came in to kick Puff's ass, she enlists Junior to tutor SpongeBob.
SpongeBob goes out to test once again, with Jr. under his belt. SpongeBob gets ready to work whatever magic he has on the doll he's given, but about 2 picoseconds in he loses his cool. He floors it, and he ends up almost destroying the doll until Jr. calmly, soothly, in a Barry White-esque voice to "stay cool. Relax." Almost instantly, SpongeBob turns into the Neptune of sex, well, he would've, if Junior didn't exist. Mrs. Puff comes in to see what she'll have to pay for property damage but the force of SpongeBob's in-and-out burger skills froze her to the spot. She didn't move.
Hours later, Mrs. Puff was frozen to the spot. Some students had checked up on her, but the combined skills of SpongeBob and the presence of Tony Fast Jr. froze them, too, resulting eventually in the whole school being frozen. Junior, in his Barry White voice, motioned to SpongeBob "Not bad, man. Not bad", finally resulting in SpongeBob finishing. And at that moment, the sea turned white, but Skodwarde's mission wasn't working out: the chaos had turned into...what the town usually does, actually. So at that moment, he warped SpongeBob and Jr. into a boatmobile. Because, hey, what would you do if you were warped into a car and had to drive it right then and there. The boatmobile crashes, Junior's dad is informed, but he doesn't give a fuck, so Jr. stays at school forever, until Skodwarde warps him out, causing the school to never move an inch again. The end.
The ocean is still white, by the way. Congratulations.
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155a. Balls to the Wall


Spongebob's foghorn alarm clock woke him up in the morning. It was still loud enough for Skodwarde's house to cover its non-existent eardrums. The noise was too much as Skodwarde could feel his balls [1] hurting. Spongebob and Patrick meet up with each other to play a good old fashioned game of golf. They got their clubs and their golf balls [2] ready, but now they have to play indoors now that it was raining, because why not add something to the plot? As it was raining droplets the size of ping-pong balls, [3] Patrick gets zapped as his voice booms loud enough, that he broke over two hundred windows across town and broke an ancient curse. Skodwarde goes ballistic [4] and slams his window open and tells them that he'll threaten to use his powers to slice their balls [5] off if they keep making so much noise.


After a brief construction montage, Spongebob and Patrick start their game of golf with their golf course all built up, with their golf balls [6] placed in the green, and everything else all set. Patrick, being such a bad sport, decides to tee off Spongebob and constantly brag about how he's going to win and attempts to make Spongebob lose. Beforehand, the constant noise causes Skodwarde to wake up from his beauty sleep again and uses his god powers to shoot lasers like Cyclops, through his blindfold. He eventually gets his voice to boom loud enough to break two hundred more windows and caused a windstorm all across the sea bottom through that supersonic scream. Of course, him and his balls [7] could definitely not handle anymore and runs over to the pineapple home, only to get his leg stubbed, thanks to Spongebob and Patrick.


So, after that ramble, and while Spongebob would keep telling Patrick to calm his dick and balls [8] about losing, and while the two were still having a ball [9] with their game, their two golf balls [10] crash through the window and into Skodwarde's house. Spongebob asks his friend if he has seen his red ball [11] that Patrick seems to have eaten alongside the seaweed laced kelp salad. Spongebob then finds his ball [12] inside Patrick's digestive system, next to the gallbladder of course - also under his testicles [13]. Spongebob eventually finds Patrick's ball [14], which was almost up his ass. Patrick manages to swing the ball [15] from sticking on his butt and goes the same direction from where Spongebob's ball [16] went. Of course, Patrick continues his bragging and says that the game will be like a walk in the ballpark. [17]


Spongebob asks where their balls are [18] as Patrick would prepare to respond by pulling his pants down until Spongebob tells him to save it for real estate. They look everywhere - the hallways, the living room, the bathroom, and predictably, the ballroom. [19] Then the two friends now enter Skodwarde's bedroom, sleeping with their two golf balls [20] in his mouth. Looking into what looks like a ball [21] gag, Spongebob and Patrick swing their balls [22] out of Skodwarde's bedroom as their clubs strike into Skodwarde's nuts [23], waking him up. After the golf balls [24] landed on Gary's bowl, Skodwarde's balls [25] also appear to be in Gary's bowl and then his house collapses.


After Skodwarde uses his god powers to fix his house and threaten to zap Spongebob and Patrick with his Cyclops-esque eyes, he tunes into some anemone porn, as it was the "now 50% more dick and balls [26]" special. In the meantime, Spongebob and Patrick use the rest of their free time to "polish" their balls. [27] Feeling uneasy, Skodwarde decides to do a drinking game based on all the horrendous ball [28] jokes this particular guest writer has made throughout and then makes a penis joke.



155b will come out very soon. (Obviously it won't be about balls again.)

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155b. SpongeBob SquarePants: Buried Alive (KHAN!)


Compulsive hoarding is a mental disorder defined as an obsessive need to keep objects, even if they're absolutely worthless and health hazardous. God knows how many fish all across the sea are affected by compulsive hoarding. This is one of their stories.


There's nothing like the good old feeling of spring. The flowers are blooming, the rainbows are bowing, the Skodwarde is Skodwarding, the scallops are chirping, isn't it beautiful? (Golly!) And of course, the undersea talking sea sponge is masturbating. After his session of sexual pleasure, it was now time for him to take out the trash. Patrick glimpses on eye on Spongebob's garbage and he sure is freakin' pissed with what he's seeing in his bin. Among those things he was throwing away the used condom Patrick gave him yesterday and Pete, the name given to Patrick's old sex toy. Patrick tells Spongebob about sentimental value and that he needs to keep them for Pete's sake (Ha-ha, what a pun).


At the Krusty Krab, Spongebob gathers useless articles of items in the restaurant, such as gum from under the tables, mayonnaise, tartar sauce, mustard, ketchup, patty grease, salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt, Skodwarde's porno magazines, you know a whole bunch of other useless trash - because you know, he's a hoarder now. Spongebob collects 50 pre-chewed sticks of gum from under the tables each day. That's over 18,000 gum wads a year. I hate math but I'm doing it anyway. You may now kiss the bride. Back home, Spongebob upgrades his gallery of items into the front yard and that was where his hoarding experience has begun.


Skodwarde turns up in front of Spongebob's trash filled property and he appears in the style of Oscar the Grouch and starts off by offering Skodwarde to show him his collection of his used jock straps. Before Skodwarde would threaten to use his god powers to have Spongebob clean up his act, a television broadcasting van has arrived as they both were now going to be on TV. The camerafish compliments Skodwarde's dress. (IT'S A NIGHTSHIRT!) So then, Skodwarde uses his powers to make more of a disgusting mess inside and outside Spongebob's pineapple home so that Skodwarde.....and technically Spongebob, could have more coverage on-camera. Spongebob uses up 15 jock straps a week. That's at least as much as 155 gallons of jizz in a month. Disgusting, I know. Let's forget that I made an emphasis on that.


According to the press, Skodwarde was the only citizen to know so much about Spongebob's unhealthy hoarding. His thoughts are indeed incredibly scathing. During filming of their Buried Alive (KHAAAAAA-) special, the sanitation police arrived and condemned Spongebob's house and forced removal unless he cleans up all that trash. Afterwards, Spongebob then decides to make playboy magazines out of his old trash by making countless and camera-wasting photographs and giving the objects sexual poses. Much to Skodwarde's frustration of being unable to use his powers to clean everything up *snap* just like that, he uses his opportunity to uses the fast forward button on the clean-up, courtesy of his god powers. The photos eventually become trash itself as Spongebob now has to do another Buried Alive special episode while Skodwarde is literally buried alive. .........and then Spongebob made another unnecessary balls joke.

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Even with Patchy's two brief appearances last season, the network has wanted him removed due to budget cuts.


156. Total Drama: Frozen Fuck-Off

Perch Perkins and Johnny the Realistic Fish Head (who we haven't seen in a long time, so rejoice) announce that a Frozen Fuck-Off is going on in the Bikini Bottom Tundra, being sponsored by a mysterious millionaire, and since pacing is an urban legend, we already see our contestants there ready to race. Every year, a Frozen Fuck-Off is held across the ocean where people compete in the largest (and messiest) sled race orgy in the seven seas. This year, Bikini Bottom is hosting it. Some of that white stuff on the ground might not even entirely be snow, if you catch my drift...


Anyways, the winner of the sled race orgy will receive one million doubloons, as Chris McLean and Chef Hatchet (guest starring as themselves) appear to host the event. Skodwarde asks why the hell we are parodying Total Drama Island, but Chris says he is getting paid a lot to do this while waiting for the next TD season, and also strangely doesn't even know who is sponsoring it. Other competitors include SpongeBob (duh), Patrick (who is obsessed with orgasming over some cummy worms), Sandy, Mr. Krabs, Hunka Hunka Larry, six random unnamed fish, JCM in a cameo, along with Plankton and Karen, because lord knows we don't have enough Plankton episodes already. Chris says these 14 will compete for the grand prize, and whoever makes it to the end first wins. He also announces a giant disclaimer that he is not responsible for any injuries or even deaths that happen, and he shoots his gun into the sky, making everyone start the race. Unfortunately, the bullet shoots a jellyfish that was floating in the air, and it falls dead to the ground, as Chris then assures the viewers that no animals were harmed in the making of this race. Plankton activates MAXIMUM TURBO OVERDRIVE on his sled and starts to take the lead.


Plankton is then seen at the Krusty Krab....wait, what? Did Plankton hit reverse instead of turbo? Huh, I guess he's just in two places at once now. That's cool. So yeah, Plankton tries to steal the formula from the Krusty Krab while everyone is gone by opening the safe with a razor blade, but it ends up flinging him to the ceiling and cutting himself in half since Plankton is 2emo now.


Back at the race, Patrick's sled falls apart, and decides to hitchhike along with SpongeBob. The race starts to get a bit aggressive however, as random fish began to bang against Sandy's rocket sled, and she goes crashing into some snow. Skodwarde's Pimp God Sled is just too awesome to have any issues, when suddenly he falls into an ice lake and turns into a frozen block. SpongeBob and Patrick then pick up Sandy from the rubble, and Gary keeps pulling their sled ahead. They then see Skodwarde frozen in a block of ice, and they put his block onto the sled. Mr. Krabs' worms that are pulling him forward start to get into an orgy, and they try to eat him. He then hops onto SpongeBob's sled with the others, and they keep racing on. 


They then decide to take a break and set up a campfire underwater, because fuck logic. The fire unthaws Skodwarde and he is very pissed off. Sandy asks why he just didn't use his god powers to cheat, but he says he wants to see where this goes for the lulz, also because he's not that much of a douche. They then hear a loud growling sound, and Patrick says it was probably his stomach. They then see a giant horror of stop-motion animation: THE ABOMINABLE SNOW MOLLUSK! Mr. Krabs and Skodwarde both gasp, recognizing the creature. Mr. Krabs says when he was the Head Chef on the S.S. Diarrhea, his crew once fought the beast, but it devoured them alive. They then had to wait for "nature to take its course". Skodwarde then reveals the Abominable Snow Mollusk was one of his creations like the Skodbillies. He reveals when he jacked off too hard once while exploring the tundra, he created the Snow Mollusk. It then roars, as Skodwarde uses his god powers to get rid of it, but it uses a tentacle to whack Skodwarde back into an icy lake, freezing him in a block of ice again. The gang avoids the creature throwing snow balls (heh) at them, and when they realize they forgot Skodwarde, they quickly go back to get him, but the creature is ready to finish them off, when Patrick throws some of his cummy worms at the creature and it eats them. It is satisfied by this, as this gives the gang time to get back onto the sled and race off.


Patrick then cums all over Skodwarde's frozen block, which frees him, but Skodwarde is pissed. They then notice Mr. Krabs is gone however, and it is revealed he committed treason against their team because he's a greedy bastard. They all vote for Mr. Krabs to take the Sled of Shame. Mr. Krabs is trying to run ahead, and he tells them to go suck some jellyfish dick, when a bunch of jellyfish fly into his mouth and sting him. They then find him on the icy ground and Skodwarde attaches the Sled of Shame to the back, much to Mr. Krabs' dismay. Gary begins to get tired, when Patrick says he saw something shiny in the ice. They see Karen is frozen (no, that is not a Frozen movie reference, but you can interpret it as one if you'd like, we're trying to steer clear of Frozen references in this special, because if I hear "Let It Go" one more time, I will scream...wait, who is playing that? GET BACK TO THE SPECIAL!), and after ignoring whatever just happened in the parenthesis, they also find Plankton. They unthaw both of them when Patrick accidentally crushes Plankton, revealing robot parts everywhere. Before they hold a funeral for Plankton, Karen reveals Plankton set up the whole race (WHAT A TWIST!), and that the one in this race was a robot. The real Plankton is at the Krusty Krab trying to get the formula. Mr. Krabs pops a boner in anger and they agree to fuck off from the fuck-off, and go back to the Krusty Krab to stop the little shrimp. Gary is too tired to continue on however, so SpongeBob volunteers to pull them. A strange man named Akira500 begins to run onto the race course shouting "FRESH TV IS FUCKING GOING DOWN!! HOW DARE THEY BE ASSOCIATED WITH THIS INAPPROPRI-" he was saying, when the sled hit him and ran him over. SpongeBob asks if that was a pedestrian he just hit, but they tell him it was nothing.


Back at the Krusty Krab, Plankton is still trying to break open the safe. He then vows he'll rip it molecule by molecule, and then atom by atom which causes this:



In the explosion, the safe is opened. Plankton rejoices and grabs the formula bottle. Back at the Tundra, Sandy has an idea to use the sled parts to make a helicopter, since SpongeBob and the others are freezing to death. She builds a helicopter out of the sled parts, and using the others for help. Skodwarde says he could have done better, but it works and they all arrive back outside the Krusty Krab, seeing it is destroyed. They then see a line of krustomers outside the Cum Bucket, and Mr. Krabs pops a boner in anger, as they all burst inside to see Plankton trying to open the cork for the bottle. He tells them to keep their pants on, but Patrick says it is too late for that, because he isn't wearing pants. Karen is angry that Plankton betrayed her when they were going to have hot cybersex during the orgy, so she zaps him with a laser. Plankton then pulls out a dildo as his sign of defeat, but reveals it has a propeller and flies away.


As the gang chases after him, he traps them in a cage above a pot of boiling cum. As he laughs like any cliched villain would, the Abominable Snow Mollusk appears and rips it open, saving the gang. Patrick throws his last bag of cummy worms at the beast, which it enjoys and hugs Patrick for. It then mistakes Plankton for a cummy worm, and eats him alive. As they all laugh, Chris McLean, Chef Hatchet, and JCM (oh yeah, there was a race, remember) appear from a helicopter and are pissed. Chris says that there was no rule for leaving the race or even joining the others. Skodwarde says he doesn't give a fuck, but they do want to know who won. It is revealed JCM was the only player left that didn't get into an orgy, and he made it to the finish line. JCM asks where his prize money is, when they reveal Plankton was the sponsor and he didn't have one million doubloons. Chris is somewhat pissed he wasted his time for nothing, but he and Chef fly off in the helicopter anyways. SpongeBob and the gang laugh and walk away, as Skodwarde uses his god powers to rebuild the Krusty Krab. JCM stands there upset that he didn't get his prize. Plankton is also still stuck in the Mollusk's stomach. Poor JCM and Plankton.

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Cold Open:

Skodwarde is furious that CDCB has yet again delayed another episode of his godly show and demands an explanation. Fearing what Skodwarde might do to him, CDCB wimpily explains that episode 157's delay was due to some major issues in his family that both caused him emotional stress and prevented him from using the computer. Though CDCB tries to elaborate, Skodwarde uses his almighty god powers to silence CDCB and punishes him by giving away his remaining Season 8 episodes, save for this one and the special that follows shortly after. And just for good measure, he explodes CDCB's genitals into a dildo, traumitizing those unfortunate enough to see underneath with its artificial fakeness and ruining CDCB's sex life.

157a. Skod's School for Gods

SpongeBob and Patrick are naked on Skodwarde's lawn practicing their mating calls when the god himself pokes his head out--and I mean his face--lecturing them about how their "mating calls" will never attract a decent pair of women for them, let alone the fact that they aren't attractive to begin with. Defeated, the duo walk off, only for Patrick to trip on a crop in Skodwarde's garden of dildos and come up with... PUBIC HAIR!

Patrick's newfound pubes are so irresistibly sexy that they immediately draw Skodwarde's attention. Highly impressed, he decides to teach Patrick a full-on course on how to be a sexy god like him. Not that anybody's ever going to outdo Skodwarde, but hey, somebody has to follow in his footsteps. The two of them start by exploding innocent victims in Downtown Bikini Bottom to assert their godliness. Skodwarde explodes Scooter, whereas Patrick doesn't quite understand the concept and accidentally explodes himself. Skodwarde sighs and regenerates Patrick so they can move on in their fantastic exploration of godliness.

Next up is one of Skodwarde's personal favorites--legalizing marijuana! Now that everybody can freely smoke it in any form, Skodwarde and Patrick decide to go to Skodwarde's secret garden of seaweed and smoke to their lungs' content. The feeble mortal SpongeBob is jealous of all this attention Patrick is suddenly getting because of his pubes, so he tries to join them for a smoke, but Skod tells them that only a true god can handle the power of his seaweed. Just as he makes that proclamation, Patrick accidentally puffs an entire wad into Skodwarde's face, so he yells at Patrick for burning his eyes with his own seaweed.

Skodwarde is starting to get pissed at Patrick for screwing up every godly activity, so he decides that Patrick isn't cut out to be a god. Unfortunately, he isn't going to get rid of Patrick that easily since the star is so excited to be learning the almighty ways of the god. So he uses his god powers to give SpongeBob the most beautiful opera voice in the world and, by sheer coincidence, also invites Patrick to a godly opera.

The show is going fine until the curtains open after the intermission to reveal... SpongeBob in drag?! Yes, the entire plan was a setup to get SpongeBob and Patrick back together. SpongeBob (in the most awkwardly feminine singing voice he can muster) expresses his deepest regrets and mournful sadness over losing his best friend to godliness. Matter of fact, the voice is so incredibly beautiful that the vibrations of it shatter Karen's screen miles and miles away. SpongeBob finishes the song with a heartfelt bow and awaits a response from Patrick.

Patrick is reluctant to feel emotionally moved, so Skodwarde uses his god powers to speed up the process. Only problem is his aim is a little off and he accidentally zaps Patrick's dick instead. As if on cue, Patrick's pubes jump off and complain that they can't get any sleep as long as Patrick is cumming. With that, his pubes are gone and he is no longer worthy of being called a god. SpongeBob and Patrick are happily reunited and because the writer can't think of a better ending for this episode, here's some anemone porn.


Skodwarde promptly pelts the writer with assorted vegetables for thinking he could get away with a non-sequitur that easily.

157b. Oral Report

Break time at the Krusty Krab because eventually every episode is going to start here. SpongeBob and Skodwarde are having a dull discussion when it suddenly comes up that SpongeBob is still a virgin! Though hardly surprised by this revelation, Skodwarde decides to give SpongeBob the blowjob of his life so he can experience his first taste of naughtiness. But good things don't come free with Skodwarde--nope, the catch is, now that he's experienced the most godly blowjob of his lifetime, has has to deliver a 50,000 word oral report on the experience the next morning.

After SpongeBob has a vast set of flashcards prepared, he goes to Patrick for help practicing his speech. But Skodwarde wants to make this difficult as Davey Jones for SpongeBob, so he temporarily possesses Patrick and uses some bad juju to make him eat all the flashcards. SpongeBob tries to make do without them, but Patrick decides speech time is the perfect time to recite the names of his favorite pornos at the top of his lungs. Pretty pissed now, SpongeBob tells Patrick to cut the crap and let him recite the speech without any interruptions. Surprisingly, Patrick pays attention... for a mere 2 seconds until the speech has him so horny that he can't contain himself and has to take a *ahem* break.

Pat finishes snuggling with himself and upon emerging from his soiled bedroom, he and SpongeBob decide to go to Sandy for help. SpongeBob explains via the intercom that the two of them need help with blowjobs, and Sandy misinterprets it as sexual harrassment until SpongeBob clarifies what they actually meant. Once inside, Sandy unveils her latest invention--the Genitelescope 2000! Simply put this high-tech condom on your head, and the built in goggles will make everybody's privates appear ridiculously small. In no time at all, the wearer will be fully confident of their own privates and able to deliver all kinds of speeches! Looks like this is the answer SpongeBob needed!

Unfortunately Skodwarde can tell through his god powers that SpongeBob is cheating his way to self-confidence, so he uses telekinesis to shatter the lenses of the goggles just as he's about to wear the Genitelscope 2000 the day of the speech. At first it goes well, but then... Skodwarde turns into a dick! SpongeBob tries to ignore the penile pandemonium and continue on with his speech until everything starts slowly morphing into dicks. Giant dicks that want him to blow them! Giant dicks that want to blow him! It's all too much for one sponge to take, so he crashes through the wall of Skodwarde's house and rips off his clothes, thinking he's finally cracked.

SpongeBob's insane rampage goes all through town until finally the police catch up with him in the PlaySkod Stripper Club and demand to know if he knows anything about proper sexual conduct. SpongeBob siezes the moment to flawlessly explain everything to the officers the entire history of blowjobs, who created them, their purpose and future... just about everything you'd ever want to know about oral sex. The cops are impressed and ask who taught him so much about blowjobs and SpongeBob tells them that Skodwarde is responsible for it. The cops immediately turn to Skodwarde and try to arrest him, but Skodwarde is immortal and cannot be arrested, so the entire universe explodes. Along with Karen.

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Since Season 9 is taking so long to make in real life here's the return of a short series that I begged to do I mean Got blackmailed by the Mafia RUN FOR YOUR LIVES YOU LITTLE! I really mean was politely asked to do. This is the return of the "____ drops by Skodwarde's House" short series OMJ did back in 2012.


Short-wow if you expect me to fucking care what number this is, I WILL! *gets cut off* Fine, Short 9 it is.


9. Bill Cipher Drops By Skodwarde's House


After seeing the Gabe puppet say wussup I'm Gabe who has stunning looks from the latest Gravity Falls episode, Sock Opera, Skodwarde went to the tub after like what 2 years now to make everything a puppet show, but Viacum wouldn't allow that shit. So being fed up he just watched SpongeBob and Pat look for wherever the hell Gary went and was annoyed. Then Skodwarde was visited by a golden triangle one eyed guy. Bill wants a puppet so Skodwarde agrees, then it reveals to be him! But Skodwarde's a god so Bill has no effect on him really. So he's so tired that instead of planning to sic Bill on SpongeBob and Patrick which he would've done, that he tosses Bill out the window. But Bill is very very mad. Now he enters Skodwarde's dreams and makes it the worst thing ever, which include him being powerless, getting beat up by Plankton, and Skolliam fucking Lady Skoga so hard that Skodwarde went into braindead mode. Now SpongeBob and Patrick are the only ones who can save him, but they're busy looking for who the hell Gary went to have sex after drinking and not remembering what he did last night. So RIP Skodwarde, but he's a god so he can overturn the dream, and becomes acquaintances with Bill after seeing his power. Yet this will never be mentioned again... SO DIE WITH THE MEMORY WIPE! *throws baby wipe at audience then runs away* 

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My first episode as a staff writer woo


158a. The Skeet And Slutty Tale Of Skodiman Slutton


It's a regular day at the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob is dipping the fries in steaming vats of hot semen, fat greedy ass motherfucking crab Mr. Krabs is licking- wait, I mean, using the money to jack- I mean, counting the money, and Skodwarde is in the midst of the eatery, watching porn set to loud hip-hop music on the TV that will sometimes be in the Krusty Krab and sometimes be entirely absent for no reason. Mr. Krabs skitters out and tells Skodwarde that what he's watching isn't quality porn, and that he should engage in finer adult films, like 1962's "Get Ready For The Money Shot" or "Get A Load of This Puff". Skodwarde tells Krabs he needs to shut the fuck up and that a fat crab wouldn't know what real porn is, since crabs are some sort of gross vaginal nastiness anyway.


Skodwarde plays his favorite porn, "Lick Those Testi- I Mean, Tentacles, Baby", but the porn is so over the top and sexual that it drives all the customers out. Skodwarde wanders outside and laments his sad, high class taste in film. Plankton, in the midst of his latest suicidal depression, sees Skodwarde's sadness, and decides to use Skodwarde's sadness to his advantage, so he can steal the formula and accomplish something with his miserable life.


Later that night, Skodwarde is watching more pornography when Plankton sneaks in, asking him to join. Skodwarde tells him to fuck off. Plankton comes back several times in a montage that isn't really funny at all. Plankton continues to do that, and Skodwarde gets so pissed off that he uses his god powers to make Plankton fuck off so hard that he gets fucked out of existence. This ends up being bad, because Plankton's role in the ocean as a semen eater was an important one, and without him, the sea is soon one of milky white nastiness. 


Skodwarde uses his god powers to retrieve Plankton from the 9th Dimension the dimension of nothing-ness, and the two wander the streets of a cum-filled Bikini Bottom, confused on what to do. They walk the cummy streets, talkin and bonding about life, and their favorite skin movies, becoming fast friends. Suddenly, inspiration hits the two: if they do a really fucking random ass parody of a Pinball Wizard song BACKWARDS, they can reverse time to before this episode was even written! They sing the song, and as the cum begins to fly backwards, Plankton and Skodwarde hug each other, knowing that the love they shared would soon cease to exist. As time rolls backwards, a tear rolls down Plankton's cheek.


= = =


It's a regular day at the Krusty Krab. Skodwarde walks to the window and looks at the Cum Bucket across the street.


Plankton walks into the window and looks at Skodwarde.


Mentally, they lock arms. 



they cry 


the end

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Break out the drugs and porn magazines, it's time for a new Skodwarde!


158B. The Druggy Artiste


One day in Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob and Patrick are outside trying to think of ways to become FILTHY STINKIN RICH! So naturally, they call their best pal Skodwarde for help. Skodwarde, however, is too rich himself to think of others (he has the chicks to prove it!), so he refuses to help them.


SpongeBob then pulls out his million dollars of profits from his pornographic films he keeps stashed up his ass in retaliation. SpongeBob then realizes he's a fucking idiot because he wasn't telling the truth to Patrick about not being rich.


Patrick sobs, stating that he'll never become FILTHY STINKIN RICH. SpongeBob tells Patrick to cheer up and that they'll find a way he can become FILTHY STINKIN RICH. And with a snap of his fingers and a lightbulb on his head, SpongeBob suggests that Patrick should join the Drug Industry.


For the next 5 hours, SpongeBob teaches Patrick the ways of the druggy, showing him how to make such wonderful drugs as weed, crack, and viagra for as cheap as possible! The training proves to pay off, as the entire town of Bikini Bottom has been attracted to Patrick's Drug Rock.


...but it all goes downhill when the police arrive at Patrick's drug charade and confiscate all of the goods and moolah. Patrick is handcuffed, ready to be taken to jail, when Mr. Krabs barges in and shoots the cops in the head.


After cleaning up the evidence, Mr. Krabs makes a deal with Patrick to sprinkle some of Patrick's drugs onto The Krusty Krab's Krabby Patties. Patrick accepts, receiving a .10% of the profits raised.




The Krusty Krab is booming with business. Prices for the Krabby Patty have skyrocketed to 50 bucks a pop! And it's all thanks to Patrick's "goods."


All's well that ends well in Bikini Bottom...

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Sorry for the long delay, but here's my last Skodwarde episode as a staff writer. I've decided to step down from the team. It was fun while it lasted to write for the show, but I've been busy with real life things going on, and I've been feeling burned out writing it anyways. I might return one day for a guest write or two, but consider this my final episode for now. So enjoy.

159. Vacationing and Getting Into Numerous Accidents

It's a lazy summer afternoon for everybody in Bikini Bottom, so Skodwarde takes it upon himself to make it even more boring! He uses his god powers to bring them all into his house and announces that he's going to give them the honors of reliving his latest vacation. SpongeBob asks where the slides are, but Skodwarde reveals that there are no slides. He actually stowed all the memories within strands of his seaweed, so everybody begins puffing away as they slowly lose consciousness and the memories start flooding in...

SpongeBob is in his bedroom packing all of his clothes into a large suitcase. The nose disturbs Skodwarde, so he stops by SpongeBob's to tell him to clam up. Instead, he's greeted with a gratuitously long explanation of SpongeBob's weekend plans--a sunny, fun vacation with his parents in some far off land called Pornsylvania. Enthusiastically, SpongeBob invites Skodwarde to come along with him and his parents on this fantastic journey, Normally Skodwarde would explode SpongeBob as a punishment for disturbing his peace and simply walk away, but Pornsylvania is as good as the name sounds, so Skodwarde accepts the invitation.

So without a moment to lose, the four of them are in Mr. and Mrs. SquarePants' vehicle, on a fantastic journey to Pornsylvania. SpongeBob tries to annoy everybody by playing hide and seek, so Skodwarde uses his god powers to get back at him by steering the boat off course. Once everybody reorients themselves and gets back on the road, SpongeBob decides to rape their ears with a hideously catchy road song.

When I get on the road
It makes me really hard
When I get on the road
Horny thoughts bombard

When I get on the road

I'll show you some class

When I get on the road

Please stop fucking my ass

Let's all sing
Get on the road song!
I wanna fuck it all day long!
Let's all sing
Get on the road song!
It makes... us... really... lonnnnnnnng!

Skodwarde decides he can't take any more of this song's stupidity, so he summons a fire hydrant and places it in the middle of the road, causing a crash that results in a mass explosion. Unfortunately, with the entire front of the boat blown off, everybody's stuck where they are--right in front of a gas station which totally wasn't conveniently placed there by Skodwarde in an effort to advance the plot of this episode. Mrs. Squarepants however, misses the cue entirely and asks Skodwarde to fix their boat. Skodwarde is appauled by her ignorance, so he explodes that bitch!

While Harold mourns the tragic loss of his wife (who will be miraculously revived by the next paragraph because fuck continuity), SpongeBob heads over to the mechanic to see if he can get their boat running again. As it turns out, this mechanic isn't a mechanic at all. He's a crazed, sexually deprived old man who merely poses as a mechanic so he can feed his bizarre boat fetish. Seeing through this clever scheme, SpongeBob tries to stop this mad man from touching their boat, but Harold insists upon having him check out their boat just as his wife suddenly revives.

Harold explains that he can't get the boat to turn on, so the boat fetishist of a mechanic starts raping it through the exhaust pipe. The sight is too terrible for SpongeBob's innocent eyes, so his parents tell him and Skodwarde to go play on the playground out back (which is strangely arranged in the shape of phalic symbols) for a while until they're able to get the situation under control. SpongeBob starts feeling uncomfortable when Skodwarde tries to coax him into riding the Meatspin with him, so he uses his god powers to force SpongeBob onto this dick-shaped merry go ground. Unfortunately, the merry go round is so fast that it knocks the two of them clear out of the playground and into parts unknown.

When they get up, SpongeBob and Skodwarde find themselves in a mysterious place with massive strands of kelp and other various bizarre crap as far as the eye can see, or as far as Skodwarde can squirt. Whichever cums first. But anyway, they decide to check this mysterious land out, and what better way to do that than to walk around? Seems like the obvious thing to do. Approximately 23 1/2 seconds later, SpongeBob is suddenly feeling sexually deprived and desperately needs some buttsex to calm his frazzled nerves. Luckily he spots a condom dispenser straight ahead and uses the last of his pocket change to buy a condom. But Skodwarde tells him it was a waste because he's the pitcher and SpongeBob's the catcher! But because of SpongeBob's good nature, Skodwarde "agrees" to use a condom as he assrapes SpongeBob before using his god powers to break the condom. SpongeBob shrieks but Skodwarde assures him that he hasn't been impregnated.

Meanwhile, the boat fetishist is still checking out what's "wrong" with the boat as Margaret and Harold wait. The current status report: Their carburetor has stopped squirting and the ding-a-ling needs tightening. And a little rotation of the sprockets wouldn't hurt either. Harold asks how much it'll cost to do these repairs and the fetishist demands, ehhh about $10,000 and not a penny less. Pissed at the boat fetishist's stinginess, Harold hands him the money amongst a few angry swears.

Anyway, SpongeBob and Skodwarde are walking around when SpongeBob starts to feel a pain in his side. He starts to ask Skodwarde what's going on, but is suddenly interrupted by the ominous presence of... Dildonuts! The only store where you can buy a dildo AND eat donuts! The merchandise is so sexually stimulating to SpongeBob that he uncontrollably buys every last dildo and donut in the store. Skodwarde (who was waiting outside) laughs at SpongeBob as he reveals that he placed the Dildonuts store in the middle of nowhere for his own amusement. The prospect of being humiliated is enough to make SpongeBob cry until Skodwarde uses his god powers to make him shut the fuck up and realize what a whiny little bitch he's being. SpongeBob concurs and decides to play the Road Song on one of his dildos to calm himself down.

One Sexually Arousing Instrumental Later...

Finally soothed and relaxed, SpongeBob tells Skodwarde that the two of them need to think of a plan to get out of this mysterious place. Skodwarde tries to suggest using his god powers, but before he can finish the suggestion, SpongeBob's stomach pains return. Grunting... groaning... moaning... *pop!* SpongeBob has given birth to a healthy pair of... SkodBobs! Simply put, these godly babies have all the powers of Skodwarde AND SpongeBob put together. Overwhelmed by their cuteness, SpongeBob begs Skodwarde to let him ride them back to the gas station, and Skodwarde is reluctant to agree but ultimately caves in. And seeing as the two of them are riding above the road on their two SkodBobs, it seems only fitting that they sing about it.

When I'm above the road
I've had a blowjob
When I'm above the road
On my two SkodBobs
When I'm above the road
I birthed them from my pores
When I'm above the road
Sandy's a dirty whore

Let's all sing
Above the road song
We'll fuck and sing it all day long
Let's all sing
Above the road song
My dick is very loooooooonnnnnnng!

The two SkodBobs drop their wonderful parents off in front of the gas station where Harold and Margaret have finally managed to get the boat fetishist to stop molesting their boat. Upon landing, Skodwarde and SpongeBob fall asleep just before Harold and Margaret can bitch about them getting active without permission. The two of them consider how they'll punish SpongeBob for allowing Skodwarde to make two adorable babies with him. And because the writers of Skodwarde don't give a flying fuck about continuity, we leave the contents of the italicized prologue hanging and leave many loyal Skodwarde fans pissed off by the lack of closure. 


...But before I end my Skodwarde career for good, here's a new Skodwarde short:

Short - Sandy's Vagination is Brewin'

SpongeBob and Sandy are riding a bus, anxiously awaiting their arrival at the Bikini Bottom National Ruins Facility. Unfortunately Skodwarde uses his god powers to redirect the bus to the Gratuitously Natural History Museum instead. Sandy and SpongeBob unknowingly get off there and step inside the building, assuming it to be the place they were intending to go to. SpongeBob gawks at the marvelous sight of a vagina fossil, believed to have come from the earliest known fish. It is then that Sandy realizes they've stumbled across a pornographic museum. But as luck would have it, their wandering has left them lost in the middle of the museum with no idea where to head next.

They decide to take the door shaped like King Neptune's dick, figuring they can rely on good ol' Neppy to guide the way. Sure enough, Neppy takes them to the Vagination Room, a place where sexually provocative female robots worship the almighty Stone Vagina that holds the building together. Sandy and SpongeBob are fascinated to learn how these big-boobed bots have managed this museum for the past 127 years. SpongeBob is so intrigued by this that he doesn't pay attention to where he's going and accidentally knocks down the stone pillar where the Stone Vagina rests. The ancient relic smashes to pieces, and soon the entire building collapses.

Butthurt that they no longer have any purpose in life without anybody to sexually provoke, the robots send SpongeBob and Sandy on their way until SpongeBob gets a brilliant idea. He runs it by Mr. Krabs, and he's so pleased with the idea that he turns the Krusty Krab into a place called Whoopers, the finest stripper club in all of Bikini Bottom. Of course, with the vagination robots turning in hundreds of dollars every hour, why complain? SpongeBob decides to get in on some of the action and starts orgitizing with one of the vagination robots whose name happens to be Betty. SpongeBob makes Betty's sparks so fly that a few of them land in the Cum Bucket, right by Karen who explodes to death, unable to withstand such monstrous levels of sex. Sandy has a hard time herself, watching through the window as SpongeBob completely betrays her.

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160a. Pat's Risquécation
One day, after everyone turns out okay from Skodwarde's pot trip due to a warped continuity, Patrick is fucking a slide projector doggy-style when SpongeBob interrupts his sodomy to remind him to show his vacation slides. Patrick takes the slides out of his shorts, and after wiping the cum off them, he puts them into the projector and turns the projector on. The projector immediately explodes because it's electronic and they live underwater, and Patrick decides to act out his vacation with finger puppets instead. He makes an O with one hand and sticks the finger of the other hand in and out of the O repeatedly. After an hour of this, SpongeBob asks if he did anything else during his vacation, so Patrick takes them on a magical journey to about a week ago.
Patrick was lying on the floor, trying and failing to reach orgasm after an hour of jacking it, when he heard a knock on the door. He let SpongeBob in and told him that he literally masturbated his testicles dry. SpongeBob recommended that Patrick go on a vacation and let his balls replenish, and Patrick loved the idea, so he packed his rocks and went with SpongeBob to a travel agency. The travel agent, upon learning that SpongeBob and Patrick are poor fucks, kicked them out on their asses, and Patrick dejectedly went back to choking his chicken, but SpongeBob quickly stopped him, saying that he could vacation at home instead.
SpongeBob decided to fashion Patrick's home as a hotel and dress as a bellhop to accompany him, not only because it made it seem like Patrick was really on vacation, but because it was one of SpongeBob's recurring sexual fantasies. He brought a bathtub filled with water into Patrick's "hotel room" and said that it was a pool, but Patrick asked him where the diving board was. SpongeBob quickly made one by tying together a chair and SPECIAL GUEST PLANK FROM ED, EDD, N EDDY. After jumping off Plank's face, Patrick hit his head on the edge of a bathtub and sank into the water. SpongeBob, now in a lifeguard uniform, saved Patrick from certain death, which happened to be another one of his recurring sexual fantasies.
Drowning in his own bathtub made Patrick hungry, so while SpongeBob and Plank talked about politics, Patrick snuck off and broke into Skodwarde's home to swipe his porridge. After he finished the porridge, he realized that his nuts were back to normal, so he masturbated for the first time in what felt like forever and then jizzed into the porridge bowl. He heard Skodwarde coming back, so he hid under the table. Skodwarde, seeing that his bowl of porridge was replaced with a bowl of ejaculatory deposits, flipped over the table in rage, revealing Patrick, who then waved nervously with one hand and masturbated with the other. SpongeBob walked in wearing a masseuse's outfit and asked Patrick if he was ready for his massage. Skodwarde decided to appropriate that massage the way Patrick appropriated his porridge, and as he got the massage, he reminded SpongeBob not to forget the happy ending. Since this was also a recurring sexual fantasy, SpongeBob assured Skodwarde that he wouldn't.
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Rev up those fryers, it's time for another Skodwarde! Roadtrip style bitch.


160B. Fucking The Plankton


One day at the SquarePants Residence, SpongeBob and friends were just finishing up their daily orgy fest when the doorbell sounded. Since everyone else besides SpongeBob (he was just interested in the orgy) was high off their rockers in acid, dope, and whatever was in that test tube Patrick stole from Sandy's place, he went to answer the door. At the door was a drunk stork (storks underwater? what am I on) who hiccuped 2 tickets for all All-Expense Paid Orgy Cruise to The Bermuda Triangle on the floor, followed by the stork dying from lack of oxygen.


After everyone recovered from the drugs, SpongeBob and friends decided to play Punchies to see who would get the tickets. After 2 seconds of fighting (most of which involved Skodwarde wiping out everyone), somehow SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs survived and were declared the winners.


Plankton, peeping in on the orgy earlier, decides to tag along on the cruise with his whore wife Karen, seeing this as a way to finally get the Kummy Krabby Patty Secret Formula. In the process, he blows a cool million dollars from his mega-billion dollar sex hotline.


5 days later.


The day of the cruise finally arrives! SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, Plankton, Karen, and JCM (in a cameo) arrive on the dock, ready for 5 fun filled weeks of orgies! Plankton is the first to step on...and to his surprise, the entire cruise is nothing but plankton! Plankton has finally gone to heaven - he can finally find his soul mate and cheat on his wife!


...Until Karen, SpongeBob, and Mr. Krabs end up stepping onto the boat, causing it to sink: Titanic Style. Nobody survived...(except the main four, but that'd ruin the fun now wouldn't it?)


JCM: *after witnessing a ship full of minuscule creatures perish* Wait, how did I get underwater again?



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161a. Mooncondom


One day, SpongeBob and Patrick were lusting for some good ol' heterosexual love with their furry pal Sandra Cheeks. They eagerly made their way to her tree dome only to find some hairy asses were already there. They assumed Sandy was having a foursome with them, but the chimp daddys explained they were taking away some of her porno DVDs. Before the two could be confused, Sandy had grabbed them and took SB/Pat into a secret room. She told them she had vacation slides of the time she got pregnant from yet another trip to the moon. She popped in the DVD and this was the story on it.


On a day very similar to the one above, SpongeBob was on his way to screw Sandy and ask about how to get jellyfish jam stains out of underwear (even shouting I'm ready, which he seldom does these days). Before he could question her, a familiar rocket popped out of the ground near her tree dome. Sandy explained she was going to make love on the moon. Literally, ON the moon, as it was her kinky fantasy to do so. Intrigued and turned on, SpongeBob wanted to give her a parting away gift: a camera to record said sexual adventure. However, he didn't have one on him and went to his local BestBuy real quickly. He also picked up some gum, Febreeze, and Large Ass Condoms (trademark!) at a 7/11. When asked by the store cashier if he was old and experienced enough to buy such an adult instrument, SpongeBob put pocket sand in his face and ran off without paying.



Meanwhile, Skodwarde entered that same 7/11 to pick up his favorite thing in the whole world, canned bread. That and a box of the famous brand, Large Ass Condoms. When he found out from the cashier that Skodwarde's neighbor SpongeBob had taken the last box, he was furious. So Skodwarde went out on a journey to find him using his Siri and flying god powers.


By the time SpongeBob got back, the rocket was about to launch off. SpongeBob had to act quick or Sandy wouldn't have her camera and therefore wouldn't be able to record such a event for the his and the guys at home's pleasure. Somehow he got inside and Sandy was pretty pissed off that he came along. After a while they finally reached into space. During that time, one of the Large Ass Condoms gets into the rocket's vent and causes an emergency. Sandy rushes off to go outside into space to get it out, but realizing the Large Ass Condom had vanished. Little did they know that Skodwarde had taken it out himself and had overheard their plans of humping the moon. Skodwarde thought it was a pretty wicked idea, even if it was suggested by mortals such as themselves. Skodwarde always wanted to have intercourse with something dumber than Patrick Star (who was at the time in bed recovering from Skod's anal rape and watching two guys getting head from coconuts) and it was his chance to do so. After a while, Sandy and SpongeBob reached the moon (yay). They pulled out two Large Ass Condoms for their censored, sexual journey. Sandy showed him how to do the "7-20 nut job" (seriously didn't make up) with eating a moon rock in the shape of a testicle and the "Ode to Uranus" which was like it sounded. While she was star gazing in pleasure, SpongeBob had some tricks of his own. But because of his wimpyness and lack of experience (Darn that cashier for being right!), he floated off the moon before he could put one of the Large Ass Condoms into place. During the time, Skodwarde wants to play a prank on the two for getting on top of the moon before he could. So he makes it come alive and it violently pushes SpongeBob's testies around. Sandy think this is some good stuff and gets out her camera bought by SpongeBob. Skodwarde also drains out their rocket fuel out of spite. The two eventually realize this and have to rush back to Earth before it's drained. Because seriously, a sponge can only take being isolated with furry and moon sex for so long. Do they get home safely? Does the fuel run out before they can make it? Will SpongeBob ever get the DVD of their adventures to an adult video store? Probably, why not.


With the two gone, Skodwarde can finally have some astro action for himself. He violently humps the moon so hard that it explodes into a million pieces, similar to the Death Star. Skodwarde is pleased and flys away to Jupiter for some more adult fun with a spoon, his penis nose and his sulfur vision. The remains of the moon float all around the Milky Way Galaxy, some even landing on earth. These microscopic dust particles happen to make up those little pieces of cereal that aren't the marshmallows.

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