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JCM

Slashers
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Everything posted by JCM

  1. JCM

    JCMovies

    JCM Goes on a Wild Kev Hunt (JCM walks into jjs' office.) jjs: Hey, JCM! Great job teaching PE! None of the kids have broken any bones yet, so you're already doing better than drag usually does at this point of the school year! JCM: Thanks! jjs: Anyway, since you have no other classes today, I wanted you to do something for me. One of our students, kev, hasn't showed up in almost a week, and as you know, our state funding comes per student, so we can't have anyone going missing that long without an excuse. JCM: What do you want me to do about it? (jjs takes a rifle out from under his desk. JCM gasps.) jjs: Don't worry! This is just a tranquilizer gun. I need you to bring kev back to school, by force if necessary. If he isn't in Clappy's third period history class, we'll be forced to count him absent for the fifth straight day, which means we'll no longer be able to make money from him. JCM: Or expand his mind with the gift of education? jjs: Yeah, but mostly make money from him. Now, chop chop! Third period begins in an hour! JCM: You've got it! (JCM runs into the door and falls to the ground. When he gets back up, his lips are swollen.) jjs: You okay? JCM: Yeah, I'll be alwight. jjs: Uh, make sure that you remember how door handles work. JCM: Aye aye, sow! jjs: You mean "sir"? JCM: That's what I said, isn't it? (JCM leaves the office.) jjs: Why do I get the feeling this will be a clusterfuck? (JCM, wearing a hunter's hat and hunter's jacket, tiptoes into the mall. He turns to one of the vendors.) JCM: Shh. Be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting twuants. Vender: (looks both ways) Okay? (JCM notices kev walking into a comic book shop. He goes in after kev. After looking through the latest issue of Batman But He Kills People And Really Really Hates Muslims (written by Frank Miller), he lowers the comic book to find JCM pointing his tranquilizer gun at kev's face.) JCM: Now listen, you awe gonna come back with me to the SpongeBob Community School, or I'll dwag you there knocked out. kev: Fuck off, old man! JCM: Option 2, then. (kev ducks just as JCM shoots the tranquilizer dart, causing him to knock out the owner of the comic book shop instead.) kev: Cool! Now I don't have to pay for this! (kev jumps onto JCM's tranquilizer gun just as he shoots another dart, hops over JCM, and leaves the store holding the comic he was reading.) JCM: You come back hewe, and you pay for that book! (JCM chases kev through the mall, but kev loses him a few minutes later.) JCM: Whewe is that wascaly twuant? (kev taps JCM's shoulder from behind, and when JCM turns around, kev kisses him before punching him with a fist covered by a boxing glove.) kev: Best $12 I ever spent. (kev's punch sends JCM flying to the other side of the mall, and after he lands, he gets back up with tiny birds flying around his head.) JCM: You haven't seen the last of JCM: Twuant Huntew! (As kev walks out of the mall, laughing, JCM catches up with him again, pointing his tranquilizer gun at kev's face again with a furious expression on his own face.) JCM: You could have made this easy for me. You could have just come back to the school with me, but no! You had to make it hawd for me! And now...I'll make it hawd for you. kev: (nervous) B-be careful how you're pointing that. JCM: Shut up! (JCM shoves the tranquilizer gun into kev's face, and he falls to the ground dramatically.) JCM: K-kev? (JCM kneels beside kev, whose eyes are closed and whose tongue is sticking out of his mouth.) JCM: Oh, no! I killed him! I killed him for skipping school! What's wong with me? (JCM starts crying. kev opens one eye before closing it shut again.) JCM: I'm a monstew! I don't desewve to teach kids! All kev wanted to do was have some fun, and I muwdewed him for it! kev: (whispering) Come closer. JCM: kev? (JCM gets closer to him.) kev: Closer. (JCM gets even closer) kev: Closer. (JCM gets so close that his ear is right in front of kev's mouth.) kev: (screaming) I'M NOT DEAD YOU FUCKING IDIOT! (JCM is so startled that he drops his tranquilizer gun, and kev picks it up before pointing it at JCM.) kev: (in bad Austrian accent) Hasta la vista, baby. (kev shoots a dart into JCM's neck, and when JCM wakes up, he's in Clappy's third period history class.) Clappy: kev? JCM: (slurred) Here. Clappy: (shrugs) Good enough. (Clappy puts a check beside kev's name on the attendance sheet before moving on.) JCM: That's all, folks. (passes out again) (The End)
  2. Patrick Starts a Talk Show Announcer: Welcome to The Patrick Star Show! Here's your host: Patrick Star! (The crowd cheers as Patrick walks into the stage.) Patrick: Thank you, thank you! We've got an amazing show for you tonight! Lincoln Loud is here! (The crowd goes wild.) Patrick: But first: a couple of jokes! (The crowd goes wild.) Patrick: I...haven't actually gotten to the jokes yet. (The crowd goes wild.) Patrick: Let me actually tell some jokes before you start laughing! (The crowd goes wild.) Patrick: That's it! (Patrick takes out a flamethrower and burns the entire audience to a crisp.) Patrick: Now that I can hear myself think... (Patrick takes a piece of paper out of his pocket.) Patrick: Knock knock! (Lincoln Loud, star of the hit Nickelodeon series The Loud House, walks onto the stage.) Lincoln: Who's there? (Patrick fries Lincoln with his flamethrower.) Patrick: Don't interrupt! (As Lincoln turns to ashes, Patrick turns his paper around.) Patrick: I forgot the punchline. (What a twist!)
  3. 85. Post Fiction Film: Pulp Fiction post /ˈpōst / n. 1. a piece (as of timber or metal) fixed firmly in an upright position especially as a stay or support 2. something (such as a message) that is published online Cha and Local, a pair of career criminals, are at a coffee shop, discussing what place they'll hit next. Cha gets the idea to rob the coffee shop, and Local agrees, so they take our their guns and stick the coffee shop up. Suddenly, we're in a car, and mobsters Clappy and Aquatic Nuggets are talking about what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France as they prepare to shake down some kids in a high-rise apartment for an item of value they stole from jjstheboss. Once they get to the room with the kids, the kids are clearly nervous, and Nuggets asks one of the kids what he's eating. He says he's eating a Krabby Patty, and Nuggets asks if he can try it, since he's never had one before. The kid, still nervous, agrees to let him try it, and Nuggets takes a big bite out of the Krabby Patty before asking Clappy what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France again. Clappy responds "Royale with Cheese", and everybody in the room laughs. Nuggets drinks the Sprite in the kid's cup, and then he asks another kid where he put the shit he stole from them. The kid points to the cupboard, and Clappy retrieves a suitcase with a mysterious glowing object inside from it. The kid who had the Krabby Patty apologizes to Nuggets, and Nuggets responds by shooting one of the kids in the chest. The kid with the Krabby Patty then begs Nuggets to spare his life. Nuggets recites a Bible verse about vengeance before riddling the kid with bullets, as Clappy joins him. Clappy and Katie jjstheboss is with OMJ in a bar he owns, paying him a lot of money for a secret mission. Clappy and Nuggets walk into the bar, and the bar's manager tells them to wait until jjs and OMJ are finished. As OMJ approaches Clappy, Clappy insults him, and he leaves a bewildered OMJ at the front of the bar as he meets with jjs. Clappy, preparing for a not-a-date he has with jjs' daughter, Katie, shoots up some heroin at 4EverGreen's place. He then goes to Katie's house, and Katie plays games with an intercom before finally meeting him in the living room. Katie convinces him to take her to a disco place, despite disco going out of fashion 40 years ago. They have a long, intense conversation before getting onto the dance floor and dancing like they're in Footloose (get it? cause clappy is john travolta here? no? ok then). When they're finished, Clappy drives Katie back home, and she convinces him to stay and have a drink with her. Clappy reluctantly agrees to do so, but first, he locks himself into the restroom to remind himself not to do anything that will piss jjstheboss off. As Katie dances with herself in the living room, she finds Clappy's stash of heroin, and thinking it's cocaine, she snorts it all, causing her to have a seizure and pass out. Clappy leaves the restroom to find Katie overdosed on his heroin, and realizing that killing his daughter would piss jjs off a lot, he calls 4EG, who wants nothing to do with it. Clappy drives Katie to 4EG's house anyway, and after yelling at Clappy, 4EG feels her pulse, confirming both of their worst fears. 4EG looks for a way to bring Katie back from the dead in a book of spells passed to him by his great-great-great-great-Greenfather. 4EG finds a pathway to abilities some would consider to be unnatural, and he uses them to turn Katie into a vampire. As Clappy drives Katie back home, Katie complains about a strong thirst, and Clappy tells her to drink some water when she gets home and never talk to him again. The Gold Watch OMJ is remembering a gold watch his father left him before dying in the Great Flame Wars of 2012 as he prepares for a boxing match. OMJ accidentally kills his opponent in the match, leading to the WWE getting future endeavored and jjs, who had money riding on OMJ losing the match, getting really pissed off. OMJ takes a cab to a hideout, where Aya is waiting for him with everything she saved from their apartment. OMJ looks through their items, but he doesn't see the gold watch among them, causing him to flip shit. He asks Aya what happened to the gold watch he specifically told her to bring back, and Aya, terrified, doesn't give a definite answer. OMJ drives back to his apartment, cursing Aya for not bringing the thing he cared most about. He goes into his apartment as carefully as he can before tiptoeing to his room and grabbing the gold watch. Before he leaves, he makes a bowl of OMJ-O's (the official cereal of everybody's favorite WWE fighter!) and notices a rifle sitting on his counter. He grabs the rifle as Clappy walks out of a nearby restroom, and before Clappy can respond, OMJ says, "Yippee Ki Yay, motherfucker," and shoots him in the chest. OMJ wipes his prints from the rifle and leaves the apartment. As he drives back to the hideout, jjs walks through a crosswalk right in front of him and stops, making OMJ immediately. OMJ floors it, rolling jjs over his car, and another car crashes into him seconds later. jjs is lying on the street unconscious. Bystanders wake him up and point out OMJ, who's sitting in his car covered in blood as people help him. Jjs pulls out his gun and shoots at OMJ, killing one of the people helping him instead, and OMJ manages to escape. jjs follows him into a thrift store, and OMJ surprises him, beating him half to death and taking his gun before the man behind the counter points a gun at him, forcing him to throw his own gun away before the man knocks OMJ out. A few hours later, the man wakes OMJ and jjs up in the thrift store's basement. Both of them are gagged and tied to a chair. The man picks jjs up in his chair and takes him to a separate room, where another man, wearing nothing but a ski mask, is waiting for him. Now by himself in the basement, OMJ summons all of his wrestler strength to break the rope tying him to his chair. He heads for the exits, but then he remembers jjs, and he grabs a sword mounted in the thrift store before going back downstairs. He opens the door to the secret room to find the men violating jjs, and he uses the sword to cut them into tiny pieces. As he frees jjs from his chair, jjs thanks him and promises not to pursue him anymore if he leaves town and never mentions what he just saw to anyone. OMJ agrees to his terms, and they go their separate ways. As OMJ limps back to his hideout, he notices a drop of blood on his father's gold watch, and he wipes it off with his shirt. The Negi Situation As Nuggets and Clappy are shooting that kid who was eating a Krabby Patty, JCM (in a cameo) jumps out of the restroom and shoots at them several times. Every shot misses, however, and they kill JCM quickly. The only kid left in the room is cowering in the corner. Clappy asks him why he didn't tell them about JCM, and Nuggets looks at the holes in the wall behind him with astonishment. He tells Clappy that only an act of God could have saved them, but Clappy has his doubts. As they drive away from the apartment with the last kid, Clappy and Nuggets continue their theological discussion. and Clappy turns around to get the kid's opinion on the matter, waving his gun around until he accidentally shoots the kid in the face, splattering his brains on the windshield. Nuggets yells at Clappy for messing up his car and committing the sin of murder. Clappy asks them if there's anywhere they can store the car while they wait for reinforcements, and Nuggets can only think of one person to call: SpongeBob's #1 Fan. They park the car in SBAP's garage, and SBAP yells at them, telling them to get rid of the dead body before his wife, NegiSpongie, gets home. Nuggets calls jjs, and jjs tells him not to worry because Wumbo, North America's greatest fixer, is on the way to fix their shit. Wumbo comes into SBAP's house and tells Clappy, Nuggets, and SBAP everything they'll need to do to get their situation sorted out before Negi comes home. Clappy and Nuggets are forced to clean the kid's remains out of their car while SBAP gathers blankets for them to cover the bloodstained seats with. After they clean the car, Wumbo gives Clappy and Nuggets impromptu showers with a garden hose. They drive the car to a junkyard that won't ask questions, and Clappy and Nuggets take a cab to a nearby coffee shop. Clappy and Nuggets are eating bagels when Cha and Local jump onto a table, guns raised, and tell everyone to take out their wallets. As Local walks around the coffee shop collecting wallets, she notices the suitcase Nuggets was planning to deliver to jjstheboss. After taking Nuggets' wallet, she tells Nuggets to open the suitcase, and Nuggets refuses to do it. Annoyed, Local threatens to kill Nuggets if he doesn't open the suitcase, so he opens the suitcase, and as Local gets closer, Nuggets pulls her in by her hair and points his gun at her, causing Cha to run to her defense. Nuggets orders Local to tell Cha to chill, and she does. Nuggets tells them that if he weren't becoming religious, they would both be dead right now, so instead he lets them take his money and leave without the suitcase. Clappy and Nuggets then leave with the suitcase, and the movie ends.
  4. Sorry for not updating this in a super long time, but I've added 25 new games, with more to come over the next few days. You can find them at the top of the Games page under "New Additions". With just under five months of Flash support left, there's not a lot of time left to play your favorite games, so if there's any I've missed, please let me know!
  5. I do plan to release some of the games with a standalone Flash player after Flash is gone for good, but many of the games do need to be on a server like this one to function properly, so if there's a game you've been itching to play again, I would do it sooner rather than later.
  6. For those of you who don't know already know, Nickelodeon overhauled their website earlier this year, taking down all their videos and games and redirecting them to Nick's apps. I, like I'm sure many of you have, spent hours and hours as a kid playing Nick.com's games, especially their SpongeBob games, and even though most of them were coded in Flash, a software that is pretty much the poster boy for outdated tech, I believe these games should be able to be enjoyed as long as we're feasibly able to play them. That's why, with help from web curator and fellow SpongeBob fan Wumbo (no, not the one you're thinking of), I've been able to save most of Nick.com's old SpongeBob games and restore them as well as I could to a dedicated section of SBC, which I'm about to announce now: The SpongeBob Flash Games Archive! 50+ games are now available and playable on SBC. While most, if not all, of these games, are available on other websites, most of those sites are sketchy and slap ads on the games without attributing their developers. My goal with this archive is to provide an easy-to-use source of SpongeBob flash games that gives credit to the people behind them and doesn't try to blow up your computer. Since it's a flash games archive, you do need a device that can run Flash in order to play the games, meaning iPads and other mobile devices probably won't do. You also may have to toggle some browser settings to get Flash to work for SBC, and if you need help with that, let me know. I've been working on this for a while, and I'm happy to finally reveal it as an Easter weekend treat to you all.
  7. And #6 and #17 and #24 (for some reason). My best SpongeBoard performance in a while.
  8. people still read silly adventures wtf
  9. Top 20 two weeks in a row. Patrick Star is really propping up my numbers.
  10. I chose a bad time to stop writing.
  11. At least the JCMovies finale won the week, if barely.
  12. This has been a pretty good week. 12 spin-offs/lits with 30 or more views.
  13. Wow, Clam and Gary at #2. Pretty impressive.
  14. I'm doing slightly better than a spin-off that hasn't updated in a year. Not bad.
  15. I love how Cyberpunk is in the top 20 when I haven't even touched it this week.
  16. Oh hey, TLE actually went up this week Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
  17. Apparently, there are still people who read JCMterviews. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
  18. Two shows in the Top 5! Sweet! Also, The Silly Adventures of Patrick Star is back on the list despite not updating. I should probably take that as some kind of sign.
  19. JCMovies is back on the list! Though barely. Hopefully it'll do better this week.
  20. I love how The Silly Adventures of Patrick Star did worse this week than last week, even though it actually updated this week.
  21. Three of my shows are in the Top 10? This is insane!
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