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Gens 5 and 6 will both always have special places in my heart being such huge parts of my childhood, but I feel I was too young to really take in the full scope of Gen 5 and I kinda squandered my Gen 6 years by not branching out of my comfort zone and missing out on a lot of cool shit (both for family financial reasons and me just being too much of a dumb to look past the likes of Crash, Spyro, Tekken, DBZ, Soul Calibur, Kingdom Hearts, Grand Theft Auto). Gen 7 was the first time my family was able to eventually get all three of the main consoles and the sheer backwards compatibility of those early models allowed me to make up for lost gen 5 (mainly just the PS1 library) and 6 time throughout each of the PS3, 360 and Wii’s lifetimes on top of everything coming out during that time like Dead Rising, Assassin’s Creed, Dead Space, Mass Effect, Dragon Age, BioShock, Batman Arkham, Infamous, Prototype, Dragon’s Dogma, Uncharted, The Last of Us etc I could go on. I was old enough to fully appreciate and take everything in that I could. Not to mention that this generation is also home to the DS and PSP, the two things that made my school days more bearable and a lot more fun (for better or worse) thanks to online play and the DS’ very generous Download Play option that blew the Gameboys out of the water. Having a full GTA experience on the go, in the palm of your hands, WITH multiplayer is enough to give any generation the dub in my book.

JCM Joins a Protest (JCM and his dad are watching Tucker Tuckerson Tonight on Faux News.) Tucker: …and that’s why skinny jeans are destroying America. Speaking of things that are destroying America, I have troubling news out of Circuit City, where Clapmaster, social studies teacher at the SpongeBob Community School, has been teaching his students something awful. According to my sources, he’s been telling kids that the patriots who built this great country owned black people as slaves! JCM: (gasps) He would never! Tucker: I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard it, too. Slavery? What is this, ancient Egypt? We cannot let him continue to spread these vicious lies, which is why I’ll be sponsoring a protest at that school tomorrow. And speaking of sponsors, it’s time for us to pay our bills. Commercial: CAN’T GET YOUR DICK UP? WE’VE GOT JUST THE THING FOR YOU! JCM: Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Dad, can you drive me to the protest at SBC tomorrow? JCM’s dad: What happened to your scooter? JCM: I wrecked it again. Trees keep popping up out of nowhere! JCM’s dad: The next scooter is coming out of your allowance! (The next day, JCM is dropped off at the SpongeBob Community School, which has thousands of protestors in front of it, most of them old, white, and male.) Protestors: Fire Clappy! Fire Clappy! (Jjs and Clappy walk out of the school with annoyed expressions.) Jjs: What will it take to get rid of you all? Protestors: Fire Clappy! JCM: Yeah! What they said! Jjs: JCM? Are you responsible for this? JCM: No, the great Tucker Tuckerson is! Jjs: The Faux News host? Figured he would have better things to do than to send these idiots after us. Protestors: Boo! JCM: We’re not idiots! We have legible aggreances! Jjs: I taught you English for five years, JCM. You can do better than that. JCM: We’re here because instead of teaching history, Clappy has been teaching his students fibs! Jjs: Clappy, is this true? Clappy: Of course it isn’t! What “fibs” have I been teaching? JCM: According to Tucker, you’ve been telling kids that white people in this country owned black people as…sorry. I’m trying to keep it together. (One of the protesters give a sobbing JCM a tissue which he then blows his nose into.) JCM: As slaves! Clappy: And? I’ve been telling my kids that because that’s what actually happened. Protestors: Boo! (Suddenly, a limo appears behind the protestors, and Tucker Tuckerson walks out of it. The protestors’ boos turn into cheers.) Tucker: Please, please. I don’t deserve all of this attention, but it’s certainly appreciated, and it couldn’t hurt to give me some more. Clappy: Call off the dogs, Tucker. Tucker: Or what? Clappy: Or I’ll tell everyone who you really are. (Tucker starts to look around nervously.) Tucker: What…what are you talking about? Clappy: Jjs, do you have some Molotov cocktails on you? Jjs: Of course! (Jjs takes a Molotov cocktail out of each pocket.) Jjs: Never leave home without them. Protestor 1: What are you doing? Clappy: Think fast! (Clappy takes the Molotov cocktails from Jjs and throws them at Tucker, forcing him to freeze them with his ice powers.) Tucker: Shit. (The protesters gasp as Tucker transforms into Elsa.) JCM: Elsa? Why would you pretend to be a Faux News host all this time? Elsa: (shrugs) I was bored. Protestor 1: We’ve been taking orders from a woman this whole time? Protestor 2: That’s bullshit! (The protestors leave in disgust. JCM runs to Elsa sobbing again.) JCM: Was it all a lie? Was everything you told your loyal Faux News viewers this entire time a lie? Elsa: Well, not everything. I did actually think Vaporeon was the hottest Pokémon, but since I’m being honest now, I’m feeling Gardevoir a little more these days. Clappy: …fuck this. I’m out. (Clappy goes back into the school, and jjs follows him.) Elsa: Now that I’m thinking about Gardevoir again, I’m going home to do…stuff. (Elsa disappears in a burst of ice.) JCM: (looks around) Can somebody call me an Uber? (The End)

...Plus these three songs that are unavailable on Spotify if you can add them:

A FUCKIN CHICKEN MASK

I CANT FIND THE COIN SLOT

(Credit to Kieran for this logo) Nope, no more March Madness. To subvert your expectations, we're doing a tie-in event to celebrate Cosmic Shake's release! Yep, we're doing a sequel to 2020's Arcade Anarchy, our video game event that promoted Rehydrated. We felt this was the perfect time for a sequel to this fan favorite event. Arcade Anarchy II will start March 4th and end March 25th. During the event, you'll be able to collect Cosmic Jelly from games which you can spend on in Kassandra's prize store. However, there's a catch: Whoever has the most jelly gathered by the end of the event will be crowned SBC's Cosmic Gamer and receive several grand rewards, so be careful about how you spend your jelly. Here's what games and activities will be held throughout the month: Stop What You Are Doing - Video Game Edition: For our 44th SWYAD, become your favorite video game characters or personalities. Whoever participates in the SWYAD automatically gets free 10 Cosmic Jellies to start their count with. You can reserve in this thread or on Discord if you haven't already. SpongeBob Pictionary: To conclude Season 6, every Pictionary game during the event will be based around a game series: Crash & Spyro together, Sonic, Kirby and SpongeBob games! Discord Activities (New!): A new game that'll be held every Saturday night after Pictionary during the event! One of Discord's exclusive games will be streamed on the server for all to participate. Jackbox: A Jackbox game will be held on Discord every Monday night during the event! Weekly Surprise: A non-core surprise SBC game will be held every Tuesday night during the event! Kahoot: Play in a Kahoot game every Wednesday night during the event! One of the themes will be video game consoles. Flash Game Tournaments: Play in a flash game every Thursday night during the event! Cards Against Humanity: Play in CAH gams every Friday night during the event! Turntable Parties: Jam out to your favorite video game soundtracks on turntable every Friday night during the event! On the note of music, Hawk's next Community Mixtape will be video game music, so look out for that too. Cosmic Jelly Scavenger Hunt: Hunt around the forum for Cosmic Jelly! Sticky sweet. Minigames: Play in three forum minigames to win jelly. One of the games will be Pizza Gliding, based on SpongeBob's gliding in Cosmic Shake. We are really excited about this event and hope gamers will enjoy. SWYAD Reservations: Jjs —> Dr. Eggman Fa —> George Woodman Dman —> T-Dub Ex —> The Great Mighty Poo 4Ever —> Green Kirby Fred —> Irate Gamer WhoBob —> Chris Redfield SOF —> Isabelle Danny DeVito --> Wario JCM --> Pac-Man Prez --> Chin Cha --> Chawful Steel --> Fisher the Breezebuilder OMJ --> Brachydios Katie --> Remilia Scarlet Katniss --> Princess Zelda SBManic --> Ibuki Mioda Prez --> Angry Video Game Nerd

Face it. SBC is ruined.

Bubsy is perhaps one of the most recognizable video game icons of all time, and that could be because he SUCKS ASS!

Recently on Discord, we've discussed a certain past project where some members back in 2015 had ranked the worst and best songs to top the year-end Hot 100 lists: As a throwback, I've decided to organize a new one altogether, and it's open to everyone who is interested. Some simple rules to follow before submitting: 1. Message me on the forums or on the Discord server your top 10 and bottom 10 lists. 2. No joke submissions. 3. For reference, here is a playlist of all of the songs that everyone needs to listen to and rank for their lists (credit goes to Fred for this):

I'll use 500 Cosmic Jelly to get the Flying Pizza Collectible!

JCM Counsels a Hawk (JCM is in his office with a student.) Student: So, what am I supposed to do about my depression? JCM: Well, I was depressed for 30 seconds yesterday, so I would say I have extensive experience with it! Student: And? JCM: Just think happy thoughts and you’ll cheer up in no time! Student: I…don’t think that’s how it works. JCM: Who’s the therapist here? Student: You aren’t a therapist! You’re a fucking school counselor! I can’t believe I went to you with this! You’re worse than Seb! (The student runs out of the office, and HawkbitAlpha walks in moments later.) JCM: Hi there, Mr. Alpha! What’s troubling you? HawkbitAlpha: It’s my little brother, HawkbitZeta. He won’t talk to me, and he’s failing all his classes, including my math class. JCM: That’s terrible! HawkbitAlpha: And that’s not all. I found these in his backpack. (HawkbitAlpha reveals a pair of Groucho glasses from under his shirt.) JCM: Oh, my gosh! What are those? HawkbitAlpha: Remnants of a life I left behind. I’m going to send my brother here the next time he’s in class with me, so do you think you can get through to him? JCM: I know I can! HawkbitAlpha: Thanks. (HawkbitAlpha gives JCM the Groucho glasses.) HawkbitAlpha: Also, could you do me a favor and not tell HawkbitZeta I swiped these from him? JCM: Of course! Consider these protected by doctor-patient Miss-Congeniality! HawkbitAlpha: You mean confidentiality? JCM: So it’s not like the Sandra Bullock movie? HawkbitAlpha: No. JCM: Darn! Well, your secret’s safe with me, anyway! (Later that day, HawkbitZeta walks into JCM’s office.) JCM: Is there anything you want to talk to me about? HawkbitZeta: No. My stupid older brother sent me here! JCM: Why do you think he did that? HawkbitZeta: Because he’s an asshole who doesn’t know how to mind his own business! (JCM nods before slowly placing the Groucho glasses on his desk.) JCM: Do you know me what these are? HawkbitZeta: That…that was in my backpack! (HawkbitZeta opens his backpack and realizes the glasses are no longer in them.) HawkbitZeta: Were you going through my stuff? JCM: (nervously) No? HawkbitZeta: Then where the fuck did you get those glasses from? JCM: I’m sorry, but my shrink book says I’m only supposed to ask questions early on because it’s about you, you know? HawkbitZeta: You piece of shit! You think you can steal from me and get away with it? JCM: Calm down, please? (HawkbitZeta grabs the Groucho glasses and puts them on.) HawkbitZeta: If you thought my brother was a menace, you’re going to hate me! (HawkbitZeta runs out of the office and then runs into HawkbitAlpha’s classroom.) HawkbitAlpha: What’s going on? And why are you wearing those? HawkbitZeta: That guidance counselor you sent me to stole these from me! HawkbitAlpha: He…did? HawkbitZeta: So I need you to go to the principal with me so we can get him fired! HawkbitAlpha: I…I can’t do that. HawkbitZeta: Why not? It will be like the old days, with HawkbitAlpha, master of disguise, and his apprentice, HawkbitZeta! Just the two of us, making trouble together! HawkbitAlpha: That was never real. I was never a “master of disguise”. I was just a kid with a lot of issues. And I don’t want you to start getting those same issues, which is why I took those glasses out of your backpack. (HawkbitZeta begins to back away.) HawkbitZeta: It was you? HawkbitAlpha: Yes, but you need to understand… HawkbitZeta: No! Fuck you! I’m sick of this class, I’m sick of this school, I’m sick of everything! (HawkbitZeta runs out of the classroom, and HawkbitAlpha follows him.) HawkbitAlpha: Wait! (HawkbitZeta raises a middle finger as he runs out the school. JCM then comes out of his office.) JCM: Did we fix him? HawkbitAlpha: What do you think? JCM: I’ll guess…yes! HawkbitAlpha: You’re a fucking idiot, JCM. (HawkbitAlpha walks back into his classroom sadly.) JCM: Think happy thoughts, Mr. Alpha! (to himself) I wonder what happened to his brother. (HawkbitZeta is sitting outside the school and crying. He suddenly feels an ice-cold hand touch his shoulder.) Voice: So, you want to be a master of disguise? (HawkbitZeta looks up to find that Tucker Tuckerson is now standing beside him.) HawkbitZeta: I mean, I don’t not want that. Tucker: Then come with me into my candy van, and I’ll teach you how to turn into whatever you want! HawkbitZeta: I don’t know…I feel like I’ve been getting warned about people like you since kindergarten. Tucker: Listen…if you want some real power, follow me. Otherwise, stay right there, crying about shit the world does to you, instead of doing some shit to the world for once. (Tucker starts walking to a black van with “CANDY” spray painted in white on it that is parked on the side of the street. HawkbitZeta hesitates before following him.) Tucker: I knew you would come to your senses. HawkbitZeta: Do you have Kinder Bueno in that van? Tucker: It’s not an actual candy van. HawkbitZeta: Fuck! (The End)

JCM Experiences the Stages of Grief (JCM walks into Shinya's Korean restaurant.) JCM: Take a look at SBC's new guidance counselor! Sauce Mama: Oh my God, JCM, I'm so happy for you! JCM: (eyes widen) Sauce? What are you doing here? Sauce Mama: I'm the newest waitress! Shinya offered me job once I told him I was back in town! (JCM starts babbling incoherently.) Sauce Mama: Aww, JCM, are you still in love with me? JCM: Where's Shinya? Sauce Mama: In the kitchen. Why? (JCM runs into the kitchen.) Shinya: JCM? What are you doing back here? JCM: Why did you replace me with my half-sister? Shinya: Sauce has worked with my longer than you have! Why wouldn't I bring in somebody I knew could do the job? JCM: It's just...I didn't expect you to move on so quickly. Shinya: Don't tell me you want to come back already! JCM: No! I...I'm doing great! I'm actually reading this book about being a good shrink that's over a thousand pages long! And right now, I'm learning about the stages of grief, but that...that doesn't mean I'm in denial! Shinya: Really? Because it sounds like you're in denial. (JCM walks out of the kitchen.) JCM: Can I get a table, Sauce? Sauce Mama: Sure! Anything for my bro! (Sauce Mama leads JCM to a table, and he sits down at it.) Sauce Mama: Can I give you anything to drink while you're waiting to order? It's on me! JCM: I...I...crap! I'm sorry for the coarse language, Sauce, but I'm feeling really mad all of a sudden. Sauce Mama: I've got just the thing for that: weed soda! It's legal here and it will mellow you right up! (Sauce Mama goes into the kitchen, and Shinya comes out of it shortly after. JCM runs to Shinya.) JCM: You've gotta give me my job back! I'll do anything! Shinya: Sounds like you're at the bargaining stage. JCM: How do you know about that? Shinya: It's one of the most overused tropes in television, JCM! Get a grip on yourself! JCM: (crying) I made a mistake! You told me I was making a mistake when I quit to become a teacher again, but I didn't listen! I'm sorry! (Shinya grabs JCM's shoulders.) Shinya: No. I'm the one who made the mistake. I was just used to you being around, but now that you've spent some time back at the school doing what you love, the last thing I want to do is take that away from you. JCM: But...I don't love it! I thought I did, but I don't. Shinya: That's the depression talking. I know you'll be a great guidance counselor, but you have to know it, too. (Sauce Mama walks out of the kitchen with a large glass of weed soda.) Sauce Mama: Am I...interrupting something? JCM: (wipes away tears) No. Sauce Mama: Great! Here's your federally controlled substance packaged in an unhealthy carbonated beverage! (Sauce Mama gives JCM the glass, and he drinks all of it in less than a second.) Sauce Mama: What the fuck? You weren't supposed to drink it all that fast! (JCM starts laughing.) JCM: I've done it! I've learned to accept that I'm not working here anymore! And I feel great! Sauce Mama: You're probably going to be feeling something else soon. JCM: What? (Suddenly, everything becomes sepia-toned, and everybody inside the restaurant now has afros and 1970s-era clothing on.) JCM: Uh-oh. (CNF, CDCB, Cha, and a capybara run into the restaurant.) CNF: There you are, JCM! JCM: The first things I can think of that start with the letter C? I guess it's just one of those days. Cha: We found a major clue in that mystery we've been investigating! JCM: Mystery? What mystery? CDCB: We don't have time for exposition! But that does remind me of a joke... CNF and Cha: No! CDCB: Never mind, then. Just know that we have to go now! It's urgent! Capybara: Right! Rit's rurgent! JCM: Sorry, Shin and Sauce. I need to leave with my friends and our talking capybara. Shinya: I understand. Hey, get better. And stay out of the street! JCM: You got it! (JCM runs out the restaurant with the others.) Shinya: (sniffs) They grow up so fast. (The End)

I was on a Desperados III kick when I wrote this about two and a half years ago (FUCK). This was originally supposed to be the first part of a trilogy in somewhat of an homage to The Dollars Trilogy, but I gave up on that idea pretty fast. It was the first thing I wrote post-Deathmatch so it holds a special place in my arteries somewhere. This is 2020’s “A Deadeye for an Eye”

SpongeBob SquarePants: Friday, April 7th: 7:00pm EDT: Delivery to Monster Island (285A): SpongeBob and Plankton must work together to survive an island of deadly monsters.

JCM Annoys Anonymous Alcohols (aka Alliteration is (Still) Awesome!) (JCM walks into Fred’s English class.) Fred: JCM, why the fuck aren’t you wearing green? JCM: Was I supposed to? Fred: Yes, you were supposed to! Look at everyone here! Where’s your holiday spirit? JCM: Christmas was over two months ago, wasn’t it? Fred: It’s better than Christmas! It’s St. Patrick’s Day, the only day we can drink all day and not be criticized for it! (Fred drinks half a bottle of vodka before continuing his English lesson.) Fred: Today we’re going to talk about the past parti…partiplical. Nah, fuck that. Class dismissed. Students: Yay! (All of the students immediately take bottles of liquor out of their backpacks and drink from them.) JCM: Fred, aren’t you going to do something? All of those students are underaged! Fred: (laughs) Didn’t you hear? Class is over! They aren’t my responsi-bluh-blility anymore! (After school is over, JCM walks down the streets of Circuit City, where there are drunk people and wrecked cars everywhere.) JCM: There must be somewhere I can go where everyone isn’t drinking themselves to death! (JCM notices a sign pinned to a pole with the words “Want to Go Somewhere Where Everyone Isn’t Drinking Themselves to Death? Stop by Lucky’s on 8th Street!” JCM then goes to Lucky’s on 8th Street.) JCM: Hello? (JCM finds a leprechaun in the room with a group of older adults.) Leprechaun: Hey there! I’m Lucky! What’s your name? JCM: JCM. Group: Hi, JCM. Lucky: So, how long have you had problems with alcohol? JCM: My whole life! I’ve never understood why everyone around me drank so much, especially on St. Patrick’s Day! Lucky: (chuckles) Yes, it is hard to resist the pressure to do what everyone else does. JCM: Not for me! I’ve never had a drop of alcohol in my life! (The people in the group mutter among themselves.) Lucky: JCM, you do realize this is an AA meeting, right? JCM: What’s AA? Lucky: Alcoholics Anonymous. Meaning it’s for recovering alcoholics, like me and everybody else here. JCM: Can’t I stay here anyway? Lucky: Not to be a gatekeeper, but you need to get the fuck out of here. You aren’t like us. (The people in the group mutter in agreement.) Lucky: You aren’t even wearing green. What kind of asshole doesn’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day? JCM: You…you’re the a-hole! You’re pressuring me to do things I don’t want to do! Lucky: Until you know what it’s like…to have your wife hate you, have your children hate you, have your entire country hate you, you wouldn’t understand. (Suddenly, everything is in black and white.) JCM: What happened to the color? (JCM is by himself now, and he notices a younger Lucky walking into a bar.) Lucky: (voiceover) When I was a wee lad, I went to pubs all over the world spreading St. Patrick’s Day spirit. JCM: Where’s that voice coming from? This is scary! I want to go back! Lucky: (voiceover) Shut the fuck up. Anyway, Americans soon tired of my antics. (The young Lucky gets thrown out of the bar and stumbles down the sidewalk, clearly drunk.) Lucky: (voiceover) They locked me up… (JCM is now in a 1930s prison cell with a young Lucky.) Lucky: (voiceover) They discriminated against Irish people everywhere… (JCM is in front of an old shop with a sign on the door saying “Irish Need Not Apply”.) Lucky: (voiceover) And I became the most hated Irishman in the world because of it. Now, there are only disgusting caricatures of me… (JCM is in a Lucky Charms commercial.) Cartoon Lucky: Stay away from me Lucky Charms! (Kids immediately beat the cartoon Lucky up and steal his pot of cereal.) Lucky: (voice) And I’m banned from ever entering Ireland again. I’m even banned from Northern Ireland, which is some real bullshit. (JCM is back in the AA meeting, and he looks around, still not certain that everything is real.) Lucky: Do you understand now? Do you understand why I can’t let somebody who hasn’t had the sweet, sweet taste of alcohol completely fuck up their life be in here with us? JCM: No. Lucky: Fuck it. Sorry, guys. You all are on your own. I’ve been sober for 80 years, but starting now, I’m done. It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and my green ass is getting plastered! JCM: Is your…butt actually green? (Lucky pats JCM on the shoulder.) Lucky: I’ll let you think about that one. (Lucky leaves the building named after him, and the people in the group look at each other with confusion.) JCM: I may not be like you all, but I know what it’s like to let an addiction ruin your life. (JCM thinks for a moment.) JCM: His butt isn’t actually green! It’s a figure of speech! (The people in the group look at each other with confusion again.) JCM: Also, for so long, I was addicted to the thought of being a teacher at the SpongeBob Community School. For one moment, for one brief, beautiful moment, I had it, but then, I lost it…now, I’m starting to think that maybe that’s not what I want after all. (The next morning, JCM walks into the principal’s office at the school, where Jjs is sitting at his desk in sunglasses.) JCM: Jjs, I know what I want to teach now! Jjs: Why the fuck are you being so loud? Take it down like 20, 30 decibels! JCM: (whispering) Sorry. Anyway, I know what I want to teach: nothing! Jjs: Huh? JCM: I want to be the new guidance counselor. What I want to be…is somebody who helps other people know what they want to be. Jjs: Okay. JCM: Okay? So, you’ll let me do it? Jjs: Sure, if it means you’ll leave me alone. In case you can’t tell, I’m a bit hungover. (JCM sprints out of the principal’s office and dances down the hallway as the students and teachers around him groan and walk sluggishly. Fred shakes his head before going into his English class.) Fred: Fucking show-off. (The End)

I spent HOURS stomping... KOOPAS... at my local laundromat.

JCM Gets Attacked by Bullies (JCM and Trophy are walking out of the teachers lounge and drinking coffee.) JCM: You know, I used to be the PE teacher! Trophy: Easiest gig ever, right? What do you do now? JCM: I’m…not sure. (Suddenly, three teenage boys with leather jackets and slicked-back hair walk up to JCM and Trophy.) Boy 1: Ey! Gimme yer cawwfee! Trophy: Mine? Boy 2: Both of youse! JCM: We’re teachers! You can’t tell us what to do! (The second boy kicks JCM in the shin, causing him to fall to the ground and spill his coffee.) Trophy: Don’t need to tell me twice. (Trophy gives the first boy his coffee, and after a sip, he spits it onto JCM’s face.) Boy 1: This tastes like shit! Trophy: What did you expect it to taste like? It’s coffee. Boy 1: Better than this! I dunno why you grownups drink this! (The boy gives Trophy the coffee back before going into the cafeteria with his two friends.) Trophy: Are you alright, JCM? JCM: Aside from the fact that I can’t walk or move my face anymore, sure! Trophy: Great! Because class is about to start, so I’m off to the gym! (Trophy starts walking away.) JCM: Wait! I was being fictitious! Face-e-shush? Oh, forget it! (The third teenage boy approaches a student in the cafeteria.) Boy 3: Gimme yer lunch money…or you’ll get a pounding! Student: (sweating) Okay! Do you have Venmo? Boy 3: Huh? Student: Cashapp? Boy 3: (annoyed) Are you just makin’ up words? Student: Most of us don’t pay for our lunch in cash. We do it on one of those apps I just mentioned. Boy 3: Fuck kind of bougie-ass school is this? You better have cash on you tomorrow or you’re gettin’ a pounding! (The student nods and runs off. Later that day, Jjs is in his office with Seb, the guidance counselor.) Jjs: What am I supposed to do about these bullies tormenting everyone? Seb: have you tried taking away their phones? Jjs: That’s the thing! They aren’t cyber bullies! They’re IRL bullies! Seb: irl bullies? i thought mark zuckerberg killed those off ten years ago by making bullying people online easier than ever before! Jjs: (sighs) I did, too. I have no idea how to approach this. Seb: what if we brought in somebody who has experience with irl bullying? Jjs: You don’t mean… Seb: do you have any better ideas? (The next day, ExKizuna walks into jjs’s office.) Jjs: I wish we were meeting under happier circumstances. ExKizuna: It’s okay. I’m happy to make up for my ugly history at the school by using what I know to help you guys! Jjs: Are you sure you’ll be able to get rid of them? ExKizuna: Absolutely! And I’ll do it without throwing a single punch! (Wintermelon is walking down the hallway when he sees the teenage boys approach him wielding hammers.) Boy 1: Ey, boys! Youse ever crushed a winter melon before? Wintermelon: I…I was just kidding about your jackets being lame! I swear! Boy 2: Too late! It’s time for us to get a looks inside you! (ExKizuna jumps in between the boys and Winter.) ExKizuna: Put the hammers down. Boy 3: Or what? ExKizuna: Listen, I know what you’re going through. I’ve been in your shoes before. You think the world doesn’t care about you, doesn’t care about what you’re feeling, so you lash out, take your anger out on everything and everyone around you, but I promise you. There are people who care. There are people willing to listen. You just have to let your walls down and accept them in. Accept us in. Tell me what’s on your minds. Boy 1: What’s on my mind…is that there’s a giant…fucking letter…trying to tell me what the fuck to do. Boys? Boy 2: Yeah? Boy 3: Yeah? Boy 1: It’s hammer time! ExKizuna: Oh come on! That reference is super dated! (The boys start swinging their hammers at ExKizuna. Teachers and students come out of nearby rooms to watch the fight.) ExKizuna: Well, I tried to resolve this peacefully. (ExKizuna grabs the hammer the second boy swings at him and uses it to swing the second boy around before throwing him into the other two boys. The three boys then charge at him, and ExKizuna punches and kicks them while avoiding the punches thrown his way. After several minutes, the boys are laying on the ground bruised and defeated.) Boy 1: Alright. You win. We’ll shove off. Unless there’s anyone here who wants us to stick around. (The teachers and students watching them are silent.) Boy 1: (sniffs) Fine! All we wanted to do was to shake things up! We neva meant nobody no harm! Wintermelon: You were literally just about to murder me with hammers. Boy 1: DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT SATIRE IS? (The boys leave of the school, and the students and teachers cheer. Jjs then walks up to ExKizuna.) Jjs: What happened to not throwing a single punch? ExKizuna: I didn’t throw a single punch! I threw six…or seven. (JCM peeks out of the teacher’s lounge.) JCM: Is it safe? ExKizuna: JCM! (ExKizuna runs to JCM, and JCM instinctively flinches right before ExKizuna hugs him.) JCM: Wow! I’m not in as much pain as I thought I would be! Still in pain, though. ExKizuna: Sorry. (ExKizuna lets go of JCM, and they walk outside the school with Jjs and Seb right behind them.) Seb: things have really changed over the years, haven’t they? Jjs: Some things have, but not all of them. You’re still the guidance counselor, after all. Seb: oh, that reminds me. I quit. ExKizuna, Jjs, and JCM: Whaaaaaaaaaaaa? (The End)

What's your favoruite console generation?

I'll use 400 Cosmic Jelly to get the Karate King Collectible!

JCM Hunts for Lost Media (JCM walks into the principal’s office, where jjs and OWM are waiting for him.) JCM: The Open Window Maniac? Why are you here? OWM: I’m the vice principal now. JCM: Man, things have gotten weird since I left. Jjs: Correction: since you were fired. JCM: Some antics. OWM: You mean semantics? JCM: Isn’t that what I just said? Jjs: Moving on, the reason I’ve called you here is because I need you and OWM to go on a top-secret mission. JCM: Wow, you trust me enough to let me go on a top-secret mission? Jjs: No. That’s why I’m sending OWM with you. And her. (JCM notices SG coming into the office behind him.) Jjs: Meet our new science teacher! JCM: SG? I didn’t know you liked science. SG: My name is literally short for “Science Girl”. JCM: Really? I thought it was short for “sour grapes”! SG: (rolls eyes) Why do we have to bring this dumbass with us? Jjs: Because if he’s out there with you two, it means he doesn’t have to be here with me. JCM: So, what’s the mission? Jjs: For years, there have been rumors about the unaired pilot episode of Drake & Josh, the one that had a different actor for the dad. Apparently, it wasn’t just the dad who ended up getting played by someone else. Drake’s sister Megan wasn’t played by Miranda Cosgrove in that pilot but instead by the up-and-coming actress…Selena Gomez. JCM: (gasps) Who’s Selena Gomez? OWM: You know, the star of Wizards of Waverly Place, the most followed woman on Insta, basically the queen of Gen Z? JCM: Doesn’t ring a bell. Jjs: All you need to know is that if this pilot episode is ever found, it will be the biggest discovery in the history of lost media, bigger than Crybaby Lane, bigger than Clock Man, bigger than all of them! And selling it will more than make up for what we lost giving all of the teachers raises. (SG opens a map of the city onto Jjs’s desk.) OWM: They still make physical maps? SG: I’ve been interested in seeing this episode for a while, and by reaching out to people on the show’s staff, some online sleuths managed to figure out that the episode was recorded on a VHS tape that was then hidden in the mountains that surround Circuit City. (SG points to the mountains on the map.) SG: Hundreds of lost media enthusiasts are already in those mountains seeking the fame and fortune that comes with finding a tape like this, but using science… JCM: Ooh, science! SG: …I’ve been able to triangulate this tape’s exact location. (SG pulls out her phone and opens a map app on it.) OWM: Now that’s a map! SG: Based real time data, we can determine that the tape is right… (A marker appears on a small section of the map on SG’s phone.) SG: There! Jjs: Great! Now get over there and find that tape before anybody else does! (OWM, JCM, and SG get into OWM’s car, and he drives them to the mountains, which already has hundreds of cars in front of it.) OWM: This is gonna be a clusterfuck. (OWM, JCM, and SG spend hours climbing one of the mountains until they stop at a cave.) SG: (looks at phone) This is it. These are the coordinates. (SG turns on the flashlight of her phone before entering the cave with JCM and OWM.) SG: It should be around here somewhere… OWM: I see it! (OWM pulls a VHS tape out of a crack in the wall.) JCM: I’m surprised none of those other lost media guys followed us! Voice: Well, I’m sorry to inform you that you’re very wrong. (OWM, JCM, and SG turn around to find a bearded man in a fedora pointing a gun at them.) OWM: Mr. Enter? Mr. Enter: I may not be as popular as I once was, but I still have eyes and ears at your school, and once I make a video about finding this tape, I’ll be more popular than ever! OWM: Please, Enter. This tape isn’t worth killing us over. Mr. Enter: You don’t know how hard it is. Ever since I released my Turning Red review last year, everybody thinks I’m a joke! OWM: That’s not fair. Almost everybody thought you were a joke already before that review! Mr. Enter: (growls) Now you’re really gonna die for that! (JCM is blinded by a flash, and he hears gunshots echo through the cave. He turns to OWM, terrified, but once his eyesight recovers, he realizes that OWM is completely fine. He turns to Mr. Enter just as he stumbles to the ground with holes in his chest, and then he turns to SG, who is pointing a smoking gun at Mr. Enter’s body.) JCM: SG…you have a gun? SG: I’m from Texas! Of course I have a gun! (SG then points the gun at OWM.) OWM: The fuck? SG: I have a confession to make: my name isn’t actually short for Science Girl. JCM: I knew it! SG: It’s short for…Selena Gomez. OWM: (eyes widen) That’s impossible! You look nothing like Selena Gomez! (SG pulls off a blonde wig, revealing black hair underneath it.) OWM: Oh, I see it now! SG: Figured if Hannah Montana could get away with it, I could, too. JCM: Wait…Hannah Montana is wearing a wig? SG: I’m done with this discussion. Just know that the reason I was replaced for the role of Megan was because I did poorly with test audiences. I did eventually improve enough to be Disney’s first choice for Alex Russo, but still: This tape getting out would be bad for my image, and I didn’t get 400 million Instagram followers by doing things that were bad for my image. Hopefully, two missing teachers, a missing vice principal, and a missing YouTube vlogger will be enough to discourage anybody else from poking his nose where it doesn't belong! (SG pulls the trigger of her gun, but it does nothing.) SG: The hell? I reloaded this right before I got here! Voice: You forgot to set it to W... (Wumbology jumps out of a helicopter in front of the mountain.) Wumbology: ...for Wumbo! SG: How did you find us? Wumbology: Science! That's how! JCM: Hooray for science! (Wumbology approaches SG in the cave.) Wumbology: Science is also how I jammed your gun! I was expecting to have to use the technology against Mr. Enter, but as long as I get what I'm here for, I don't care. (Wumbology goes to OWM and snatches the tape from him.) Wumbology: With this, I'll be un-deported in no time! Bye, nerds! (Wumbology jumps back into his helicopter and flies off.) OWM: So...who is Hannah Montana under the wig? SG: You didn't hear it from me, but Miley Cyrus. OWM: The Wrecking Ball singer? No fucking way! (The End)

woooo i have enough jelly to buy gaming community skin, i'll take one sir

JCM Quells Another Teacher's Union (Jjs walks into Superintendent Tvguy’s office. Tvguy is now wearing a bald cap, glasses and a fake goatee.) Tvguy: Jjs-sie, we need to cook…up a scheme to stop this teachers’ strike! Jjs: Uh… (Tvguy takes off the bald cap and glasses.) Tvguy: It’s me, tvguy! Remember when I impersonated iconic television characters? Just trying to lighten the mood with everything that’s going on. Jjs: Right. Anyway, I offered the teachers our terms, and they were so pissed off that they refuse to negotiate with me again. Tvguy: Who leads the union now? Jjs: Clappy. (Tvguy dials Clappy’s number on his cell phone.) Clappy: (on the phone) Hello? Tvguy: How’s it going, Claps? Clappy: I hope you’re calling me to make a real offer. Tvguy: You have your offer. A 1% raise for all teachers. Clappy: We’re asking for 20% and extra benefits! And we aren’t going to work again until we get it! (Tvguy puts his bald cap and glasses back on then takes a deep breath.) Tvguy: First, take a big step back... and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! Now, I don't know what kind of Narcos-sian bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but SBC, Claps, is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I am talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP! Clappy: Are you finished? Tvguy: Yeah. Clappy: Good. I’m not talking to you, anymore, either, so if you want the strike to end, you’ll have to send somebody new. (Clappy hangs up.) Tvguy: (sighs) How many teachers can we hire on short notice? Jjs: In March? About zero. Tvguy: Damn it! I’m left no choice, then. I have to call JCM. Jjs: JCM? Why? Tvguy: The last time the teachers went on strike, he managed to fix it. I don’t know why, but he’s a good luck charm. Jjs: Tvguy, I was your vice principal then, and I remember the strike ending despite his stupidity, not because of it! Tvguy: Maybe this bald cap squeezing my head in combination with the copious amount of drugs I’ve done is affecting my decision making, but I’m still bringing JCM in. Jjs: If you do that, superintendent, you’ll have to fire me. Tvguy: Okay. (Tvguy starts dialing JCM’s number on his cell phone.) Jjs: Wait! I was just kidding! Fuck! JCM: (on the phone) Hello? Tvguy: Hey, JCM, It’s me, tvguy. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? JCM: (laughs) Yeah, it has! So, what are you calling about? Tvguy: The teachers at SBC are striking again, and I need you to get them to stop. JCM: What’s in it for me? Tvguy: I’ll make you a teacher again. Jjs: No! No! Don’t! JCM: You’ve got a deal! Tvguy: Great! The union office is right across the street from the Taco Bell near the school. You remember where that is? JCM: Of course! My stomach is still irreparably harmed from the number of times I’ve had lunch there! Tvguy: (chuckles) Mine, too, JCM. Mine, too. Once you’re at the union office, just tell Clappy you’re there to negotiate on behalf of the school, and he’ll set everything up from there. JCM: Will do! Tvguy: And make sure to get the best deal you can for us! Teachers may be quitting and demanding raises everywhere, but other schools don’t have a weapon like you to use against them. JCM: Oh, tvguy, I’m blushing. Nobody’s called me a weapon before. Jjs: (rolls eyes) Get a room! Tvguy: We’re both counting on you, JCM. Now, get it done! (An hour later, JCM walks into tvguy’s office.) Tvguy: You got the deal done? JCM: Yep! Here are the papers! (JCM gives tvguy a thick manilla envelope.) Tvguy: I knew we could count on you! Jjs: What exactly were the terms you agreed to? JCM: They didn’t make it easy, but I managed to talk them down from a 20% raise to a 30% one. (Tvguy drops the envelope, and jjs starts laughing hysterically.) Tvguy: JCM…you do realize that 30% is more than 20%, right? JCM: No! (pauses) No? Tvguy: (sighs) Well, that’s what I get for expecting lightning to strike twice. Jjs: Can we fire JCM again? Pretty please? Tvguy: Sorry, I’m a man of my word. JCM is officially your problem again. JCM: Yay! Jjs: (sighs) I knew I should have become a plumber. I’d be scooping up a lot less shit than I am right now. Tvguy: Speaking of shit, who wants Taco Bell and all the negative repercussions of Taco Bell on me? JCM: I do! Jjs: If you’re paying, I guess I’ll have some, too. (Tvguy, jjs, and JCM start to walk out of the office.) Tvguy: You knew I was just kidding about it being on me, right? Jjs: Goddamn it! (The End)

Wikipedia is a terrible source for information.

In celebration of its 10 Year (and two month) Anniversary, heavily inspired by Saints Row, here’s the prologue for the powerhouse ensemble: S(lums)BU! I’m rerunning it as it aired originally, so apologies in advance if it absolutely reeks of its time and era. This is about as far the anniversary celebration train will go for S(lums)BU, unfortunately. I don’t plan on doing some crazy ass anniversary project for it like I’ve done with a few of my other “legacy works”. With all that said, enjoy the trip.

We have a challenge to EIDOS. In Tomb Raider III, create a storyline in which Lara gets breast cancer. Imagine the drama of a vulnerable Lara Croft still persisting on her worldly adventures despite her illness. It needs fleshing out, no pun intended, but we guarantee the gaming world would be shocked, stunned, and moved by the effort to make Lara's character more meaningful.

I'll use 200 Cosmic Jelly to get the Bubble King Collectible.

If you ask Grogu, he'll tell you the tomato sauce TECHNICALLY qualifies pizza as a fruit, meat, bread, and dairy food combination!

I have played and beaten a LOT of video games since the last time I was able to post on here: "Dragon Quest II: Legends Of The Luminary Line" for the Nintendo Swtich; "MappyLand" and "Earthbound Beginnings" for the NES via the Nintendo Switch; "Contra Hard Corps", "Space Harrier II", "Zero Wing", "Alien Storm", & "Golden Axe II" for the Sega Genesis via the Nintendo Switch; "Shock Troopers, Metal Slug, Metal Slug 2, Metal Slug X, Metal Slug 3, Top Hunter: Roddy & Cathy, Magician Lord, Ghost Pilots, Burning Fight, Mutation Nation, Aero Fighters 3," and "Metal Slug 4" for the Neo Geo via the Nintendo Switch; "Moon Patrol", "Sly Spy", "Two Crude", and "Joe And Mac Returns" for Arcades via the Nintendo Switch; "Rival Turf" for the Super NES via the Nintendo Switch; "Gunbird" for the Sega Saturn via the Nintendo Switch; "Kuru Kuru Kururin" and "Super Mario Bros. 3: Super Mario Advance 4" (including ALL the E-reader levels), for the Game Boy Advance via the Nintendo Switch; "Woodle Tree Adventures DX", "Blossom Tales: The Sleeping King", "Kero Blaster", "Jack And Jill DX", "Jumping Joe And Friends", "Vroom In The Night Sky", "Toree 3D", "Chicken Assassin Reloaded", "Hammerwatch", "The Adventures of Elena Temple", "Cat Quest II", "Boost Beast", "Spongebob Squarepants: The Battle For Bikini Bottom Rehydrated", "Super Smash Bros. Ultimate", "Shark Adventure", and "Croc's World 3" for the Nintendo Switch! Hopefully, the next time I post on here, I won't have to post as many games! Enough said, true believers!

So admit it... Don't I look cool in the game screens? Those long, muscular legs on my sturdy, toned frame... I'm the perfect specimen of a man! ...What!?!? You say I look fat and my quadruple chin looks like a waterfall of flab? Shut up! That's just because you have your television set up for widescreen display!

Act V (In realistic Bikini Bottom, several versions of SpongeBob walk into a dilapidated building with Ianus. They find Realistic SpongeBob playing poker with members of his gang inside. Once they hear the visitors, Realistic SpongeBob and the gang members immediately stand up and pull out their guns.) Ianus: Wait, wait! We come in peace! Realistic SpongeBob: Who are you? And why are you with a bunch of fellas that look like me? SpongeBob: It's Patrick! He's in danger and we have to save him! Realistic SpongeBob: I don't give a shit about Patrick! Ianus: Well, do you care about your universe? Because if you don't come and help us, there's a very good chance that it will be destroyed. (Realistic SpongeBob scratches his chin.) Realistic SpongeBob: Well, I can't argue with a two-headed frog and a buncha clones of me. Put your guns down, boys. I'll be back. Gangster: You sure? Realistic SpongeBob: Yeah. (Realistic SpongeBob joins the other SpongeBobs and Ianus as they head to the rift in front of Realistic Patrick's apartment building.) Realistic SpongeBob: We're going into that thing? CGI SpongeBob: Yup! Realistic SpongeBob: Is it too late to turn back? Lego SpongeBob: Yup! (Ianus and the SpongeBobs go into the rift, and they're transported to the universe where everything is chrome.) Ianus: Evil Patrick should be over there. (As Ianus points, he realizes that his hand is disappearing.) Ianus: Oh, no. Since I've died in this universe already, it seems I'm not allowed back in it. SpongeBob: What? Ianus: (chuckles) It's nice to learn something new after being alive for thousands of years. PSS SpongeBob: How are we supposed to stop this Evil Patrick without your help? (Ianus looks down and sees the rest of his body dissolving.) Ianus: I'm not sure, but either way, you will have to go on without me. (After Ianus completely disappears, the SpongeBobs walk in the direction Ianus was pointing.) Realistic SpongeBob: That toad better not get us killed. (The SpongeBobs continue walking until they find a large building, the only one they've seen so far that isn't covered in chrome.) SpongeBob: This must be where our Patricks are! (The SpongeBobs run into the building to find that all of the Paticks except Evil Patrick are tied up.) Patrick: SpongeBob! And...SpongeBob! And...SpongeBob! Evil Patrick: SpongeBob? Patrick: That's what I just said. Evil Patrick: Ianus' plan for stopping me is sending the idiot friends of my alter egos? CGI SpongeBob: We think...you're so mad because you never had an idiot friend of your own. Lego SpongeBob: So let us be your idiot friends! Evil Patrick: Hard pass. SpongeBob: Come on! We didn't come all the way here to take "no" for an answer! We even brought a gift! Evil Patrick: (laughs) What gift? (CGI SpongeBob takes out a jar with a CGI jellyfish inside of it.) CGI SpongeBob: Wanna go... (PSS SpongeBob takes out two jellyfishing nets.) PSS SpongeBob: Jellyfishing? Evil Patrick: No, not really. SpongeBob: Come on! You'll love it! 3D sponge, let 'er rip! (CGI SpongeBob opens the jar, and the jellyfish flies out.) Evil Patrick: Wait! (The jellyfish stings Evil Patrick before flying to the machine connected to the monitor.) Evil Patrick: No! (The jellyfish stings the machine, causing it to malfunction. Evil Patrick shoos the jellyfish away and tries to get the machine working again, but the jellyfish flies back to him and stings him twice as hard.) CGI SpongeBob: Aww, he likes you. (Evil Patrick takes out his knife and stabs the jellyfish with it, getting jam all over the keyboard and machine.) Evil Patrick: Damn it! CGI SpongeBob: You monster! You killed him! (Evil Patrick tries to type on the keyboard, but all of the keys are stuck. He looks at the monitor, which is no longer flashing red.) Evil Patrick: I'm going to kill you next, you annoying, ugly sponge, you! (Evil Patrick runs to CGI SpongeBob with his knife and stabs as quickly as possible, but CGI SpongeBob is able to create a gap in his torso before evil Patrick can pierce it, and OG SpongeBob extends an arm to snatch the knife from Evil Patrick's hand before he can use it again.) Evil Patrick: Now I really wish I had a SpongeBob so I could have known that you could do that. Realistic Patrick: Quick! Get us out of this rope! (SpongeBob tosses the knife to Realistic SpongeBob, and he uses it to release all of the Patricks, cutting Realistic Patrick out of his bounds last.) Realistic Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob. Realistic SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick. (Suddenly, the monitor turns off, and sparks fly out of the machine.) Lego Patrick: It's about to blow! CGI Patrick: Let's get out of here! (All of the Patrick except for Evil Patrick run out of the building, and all of the SpongeBobs except the original SpongeBob follow them.) SpongeBob: Aren't you coming with us? Evil Patrick: (crying) No. Just leave me here and save yourself. (SpongeBob turns around and starts to leave the building, but as he hears Evil Patrick sob behind him, he sighs and turns around again.) SpongeBob: Here's the thing about us SpongeBobs: we never leave our Patricks behind. (Realistic SpongeBob is about to go into the building to get the original SpongeBob, but he stops just outside the door to listen to the rest of SpongeBob's speech.) SpongeBob: My Patrick helps me be the best version of me, and I'm sorry you never had a SpongeBob to help you be the best version of you, but that doesn't mean you can't be better. You still have a lifetime to experience the kind of love that only a best friend forever can bring you. (SpongeBob takes his friendship ring out of his pocket and presses a button to open it, causing miniature figurines of SpongeBob and Patrick to pop out and spin around the ring.) Figurines: (singing) It's the best friends forever, best friends forever ring! SpongeBob: So if you're going to stay in here, I'm going to stay in here, too! I'm going to make sure you experience a taste of this wonderful friendship even if it kills both of us! Evil Patrick: Please. Just go away. SpongeBob: Nuh-uh! (Evil Patrick looks at the machine, which is shaking now with sparks still flying out of it, and he looks at SpongeBob, who Evil Patrick can tell from his face has the resolve not to leave without him.) Evil Patrick: (sighs) Okay. You win. Let's get out of here. (Realistic SpongeBob catches up to the other SpongeBobs and Patricks as SpongeBob and Evil Patrick leave the building. About a minute later, the building explodes.) Lego SpongeBob: Now, how do we get back? Evil Patrick: With this. (Evil Patrick takes a small mechanical timer out of his pocket.) Patrick: How do I know what number to set it to? Evil Patrick: You're a Patrick. You know. (Evil Patrick gives the original Patrick the timer, and Patrick immediately knows where to set the dial for it. He then grabs SpongeBob's hand.) SpongeBob: Are you sure you've got it right? Patrick: Nope! (SpongeBob and Patrick then disappear, leaving the timer behind.) PSS SpongeBob: I...guess it's our turn. (SpongeBob gives the timer to the namesake of The Patrick Star Show, and he sets the timer without thinking, just like the original Patrick. After they disappear, CGI SpongeBob and CGI Patrick go through the same process, and after they're one, Lego SpongeBob and Lego Patrick do the same.) Realistic Patrick: I guess that leaves us. Realistic SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick? Realistic Patrick: Yeah? Realistic SpongeBob: I'm sorry...for everything. When we get back, I'm gonna wind down the business and take drugs off the streets for good. (Realistic Patrick nods.) Realistic SpongeBob: And Patrick... (Realistic SpongeBob takes his friendship ring out of his shirt pocket.) Realistic SpongeBob: Apparently, there's a pair of these in every dimension, so they ain't as special as I thought. (Realistic Patrick takes the ring back and smiles.) Realistic Patrick: It's still special to me. Evil Patrick: (sniffs) You two better get going...before your universe starts to miss you. Realistic Patrick: Hey, man. You'll find a friend of your own. I thought friends were worthless before I came here, but now I'm starting to realize...they're worth everything. The only meaningful change I've had in my life is because of this yellow dude here, and even though he can piss me off a lot, I don't know where I would be without him. Evil Patrick: Trying to destroy the entire multiverse, maybe? Realistic Patrick: (chuckles) Yeah, maybe. (Realistic Patrick puts on his friendship ring and hugs Realistic SpongeBob.) Realistic Patrick: I forgive you, and I love you. (Realistic Patrick then hugs Evil Patrick, surprising him.) Realistic Patrick: I forgive you, and I love you. Evil Patrick: (crying) I...I... Realistic Patrick: No matter what happens, know you've got a friend in our dimension. Realistic SpongeBob: Friends. You've got friends in our dimension. (Realistic Patrick turns the dial of the timer until he knows that he has set it correctly. He then grabs Realistic SpongeBob's hand, and they both wave at Evil Patrick before disappearing. Evil Patrick wipes the last of his tears away, picks up the timer, and turns its dial again before disappearing with it. In the Bikini Bottom from the original show, SpongeBob and Patrick are blowing bubbles in the park when a cop approaches them.) Cop: Hey, starfish, we need to ask you some questions about that rift. Patrick: What rift? (The cop looks up at the now-empty sky.) Cop: Uh...never mind. (SpongeBob and Patrick laugh.) SpongeBob: It sure is nice to be back in our own universe! Patrick: You can say that again! (A poorly-drawn version of SpongeBob walks in front of them.) DoodlyBob: It sure is nice to be back in our own universe! SpongeBob: Patrick, are you okay? (DoodlyBob disappears.) Patrick: Yeah...sure...totally...I think? (The End)

I was gonna pick Pink Gold Peach to go along with my username color, but I think I’ll use this opportunity to rep Monster Hunter instead by going with Brachydios.

...but actually finishes it this time. So last year I made a project for the 2022 songs, but never finished it. This time I plan on doing so for 2023, if you want my thoughts on 2022 songs though, feel free to let me know! https://www.91x.com/top-91/top-91-2022/ As my alternative kick and radio loves has grown more and more over the year, (but still no 91X meetup!!!), I continue rating the songs my alt station adds for new music, as they continue their classic alt format. Unfortunately, we don't start the first add of 2023 with a positive note: Death Cab For Cutie - Pepper (2022) It seems like everyone really loves this new Death Cab album, claiming it to be their best since 2008's Narrow Stairs. My thoughts on Death Cab is, I love a lot of their singles. The Transatlantic era, the Plans era, the Narrow Stairs Era, Codes and Keys era and Kintsugi era, Thank You For Today I don't know, I think I liked them? But, this time around, I feel Asphalt Meadows had their most boring singles to date. I can't stand Here to Forever with how middling it is, Roman Candles is a good idea but it feels too short, Foxglove Through the Clearcut is the best one, but not one I go back to, and now, Pepper. Which I just listened to again right now, and I can't tell you anything about it. The lyrics are fine, but I usually listen to music from a production standpoint, and it has nothing to offer. The chorus isn't catchy, the production is just okay, and ends nicely, but it's not enough to save me from not falling asleep. 4/10 The Murder Capital - Return My Head (2023) Okay so, since September 2022, after 3 months of 91X having no new music show after kicking out Tim Pyles from doing his own, Hilary (the midday DJ) made Planet Nu Nu, which is super good. And since then, some songs have gotten added that were played first on there, like Easy On Your Own by Alvvays, or Growing/Dying by the Backseat Lovers, and in 2023, that practice is still happening! This time around, we got an Irish Post-Punk band that makes me wonder why no commercial alt station is adding them. This song is super fun, and it rocks. I like the chorus, I like the production, and I'm super happy 91X is giving love to this band. I gotta check out Gigi's Recovery, it seems to be a well received album, and I'm a sucker for post-punk revival. 7/10 Fall Out Boy - Love From the Other Side (2023) I remember memeing this comeback, fearing the worst, as Fall Out Boy's been in a bad spot since they revived themselves in 2013. I love their 2000's stuff, but was never a fan of anything besides The Phoenix in 2013. Save Rock and Roll sucked, American Beauty/American Psycho was bad, and M A N I A I don't even wanna know. So, you think they'd continue down a bad path, making electropop or something. But, things are a bit different in the alt landscape. There's been a bit of a revival of the alt rock of the 2000's, the emopop, the pop-punk, so you think maybe these guys that were a part of that in the 2000's would revive it. And, that's what they did, but with a modern touch. And by that, I mean with how Patrick's vocals have been nowadays, they have a higher pitch feel to them, but everything else still feels classic, not the best thing they ever done, but it's still good. I like the production, the chorus isn't the best, but everything else I like. 7/10 The National - Tropic Morning News (2023) The National are back, and my history with this band isn't that big, I did like The System Only Dreams in Total Darkness, and they had some good post-punk in the 2000's, they never been my favorite post-punk group, the guy's voice is a bit more soft, they have a bit of a sombre tone to their music, so it never really excited me as much. However, I'm really liking how chill this song is. Good melody. 7/10 Boygenius - $20 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJFaEfwu6J8 There has been a bunch of indie female artists lately blowing up, and they've all been utterly fantastic. Japanese Breakfast, Mitski, Soccer Mommy, Phoebe Bridgers, Lucy Dacus, all artists who have appeared on 91X and for some reason no commercial station will touch them. This time around, it's a supergroup of Bridgers, Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker. I need to check out the Boygenius records, but this is a rather solid indie rock tune. Not my favorite thing I heard from them, but it's still enjoyable, and it's awesome seeing 91X focus on this, a band that deserves the buzz. 6/10

Definitely Kirby. I even buy Kirby products, I have a Kirby shirt, Kirby jacket, Kirby pen, two Kirby plushies, and a Kirby notebook lol.

And despite THAT, they're actually working on making a SEQUEL to that movie! Be very afraid...AGAIN! Be VERY afraid again!

I was banging 7 gram rocks

Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/winnie_the_pooh_blood_and_honey The critics have spoken. 5% on RT with a consensus that reads "Oh, bother."

SpongeBob SquarePants: Friday, March 10th: 7:00pm EST: Ma and Pa's Big Hurrah (283A): When SpongeBob's parents come to visit, their thirst for thrills comes as a big surprise. Friday, March 17th: 7:00pm EST: Yellow Pavement (283B): You'll learn all you need to get your boating license in this educational driving film. Friday, March 24th: 7:00pm EST: The Flower Plot (284A): The Chum Bucket is replaced by a flower shop with a charming new owner. The Patrick Star Show: Friday, March 3rd: 7:00pm EST: House Hunting (16B): The Star family house runs away from home.

Version 0.9A Added three new levels, did some other stuff

I'm not sure who you are, but I like you already.

there's some incredibly white peeps in this thread lol (was gonna just throw this into discord when this topic was first made but then this got way too long) the Fat and Sassy response i have is to kind of just bluntly admit that even in genres where lyricism plays a huge role i don't get the idea that say, a waka flocka track is inherently worse than something nas made because one track doesn't take itself nearly as seriously or talking about the same topics as the other. you have the right to your opinion and whatnot but i kind of feel general assumptions of most of modern rap just being about drugs fucking and violence kind of amount to really basic accusations based on image. i'm not even really gonna go into how much mileage you can get out of these supposedly worn out topics, through like, different angles on how to approach them, points of specific interest, and so on, i just feel like boiling the genre down to that kind of indicates a lack of awareness in regards to what makes up someone's entire musical consumption. like idk man, should i just immediately discredit the entire genre of hard rock because as someone that doesn't listen to rock music much of the time i just hear most of the 70's classic rock canon being about drugs fucking and violence? idk i kind of feel like if you can't tell the differences between two artists based on how they sound on record (or honestly even lyricism itself in a lot of cases), that's probably a sign you don't really have much interest in the genre to begin with so of course you're gonna end up making reductive comments in regards to the whole genre lol ok maybe i can compare and contrast the deal you have with my own general conundrum going on at the moment for the sake of clarity, because i can relate in a sense; because i've been sick with covid (i'm thankfully in the recovery period) i've been trying to knock some shit off my media bucket list in quarantine and that entails finally getting into anime (ik this will probably make me a stinky discord mod in the end and i'm sorry) (also by the chance you think this is just me stalling for length, i should remind you that there is literally a whole (not exactly lengthy but still) wikipedia article on hip hop's fascination with anime and vice versa). i only have access to what's on netflix and therefore a bunch of stuff i wanted to check out in the genre wasn't on there but even with my limited catalog there's really popular stuff on there... that i just immediately didn't consider. why i haven't gotten too deep into anime as a medium for so long mostly is because of how i've tended to immediately write off stuff like naruto or jojo or bleach or whatnot for years because of a couple factors: they tend to be based in concepts that don't initially interest me personally (mostly the medieval fantasy stuff, for kind of the same reasons that skyrim and dark souls and whatever else just lose me in comparison to the rest of the world), how samey the shows seemed at first glance (though keep in mind like i said before i haven't even watched them before lol) and i had the same impression as most of the internet seems to that the people that do watch anime like those are the scum of the earth (because fans are indeed the thing that makes the product bad, not the product itself. yes i am still living in 2016 how did you guess). (granted those shows are also ass long and i know there's guides online to help me sort out what episodes i can skip when watching a show but my autistic ass kind of demands that when i say i've seen a show in full, i've seen a show in full. but then again the show responsible for this site's creation is currently at 270 episodes as i'm writing this so there's probably a bunch of backwards examples of this i haven't realized yet) as someone who was always interested in the mythos surrounding stuff like toonami and anime cons it slowly dawned on me over the months that for the longest time my immediate shutoff of these shows basically just ended up building fences around my mind preventing me from enjoying a potential hobby but here's the twist; one of the series i immediately shot down when i first went over the list of what they had was hunter x hunter. one day after starting my binge i randomly remembered that when i first went to college and plugged in my tv, one of the internet channels i was able to access was an all-anime channel that was playing a wide variety of shit (tho last i checked it's apparently now a rerun farm of yugioh and bakugan lmao) and it was among the shows in rotation, and i actually quite liked the show when i paid attention to it. and i would say it holds up on a rewatch session of a couple episodes! the other show of the ass-long variety i mentioned that i sat down and gave a chance in the meantime was one piece and i fell asleep midway through the second episode... but that wasn't really the show's fault as much as that's something that happens whenever i try to binge stuff. i could still tell it was a pretty good series probably worth my time if i can shift through... over a thousand episodes.... which is most definitely not happening but who knows. and to be honest, while i certainly love what i've seen of bebop, evangelion, death note... a part of me kind of views those shows as anime for those afraid of admitting to liking anime (moreso the first two i mentioned). like, in a similar way to Those People who say "i don't like rap, but that eminem boy... he's onto something". you obviously know there's more to anime than those three shows i mentioned, in the same way there's obviously much more to rap than the Fast Rappy White Guy, but because all you do is pay attention to the very surface level of what's popular, the whole medium gets judged by it's goofier elements, giving somewhat of an awkward start for those who may otherwise be into this kind of thing (although arguably the people overly devoted to the medium on my side don't help) and seeing whatever reaches a certain threshold of popularity that breaks free from that behavior makes those shows stand out all the more. again not to knock those three shows, they kick ass and are respected as they are for a reason, but it's kind of a feeling in my gut i can't help but wonder how much of their success owes to the fact that they break free of typical genre conventions so people feel more comfortable about enjoying something in a medium they consider nerdy or whatever. not gonna dwell too hard on this because you don't need another person telling you that animation isn't all for a specific group of people but even when watching them i couldn't quite shake this feeling off ok i'm getting off track. but you see the point i'm trying to make where having biases that boil down to not liking things because of how you perceive them to be based off not adhering to specific artistic standards is not only really reductive but also counter-intuitive to general media enjoyment? like, ok, we all have limited brain space, i understand that we all have different ideas of what makes a piece of art good or bad, but at the same time i kind of feel like if you don't get the appeal of a certain type of art and describe it in the grain-like manner you describe (this basically goes for any equivalent of calling a piece of art "nothing", btw), i don't know why it's the art itself to blame and not personal admission that some things your specific mindset doesn't allow you to see. because i hate to break it to you, but all music is just soundwaves. it's all just soundwaves in same way that all film/tv shows are just moving pictures along with soundwaves and all paintings are just marks on a canvas and so on and so on. just cause you hold up certain values when you make judgements doesn't mean that there isn't anything to the art in question (really this is a general thing that's been on my mind that annoys me about the greater world of people critiquing shit, and i'm not even trying to really call out anyone in particular about this because i'm guilty of this myself sometimes lol). this sounds like a put down of sorts, but what i earnestly mean by that is that i do believe every piece of art has some kind of meaning, even if not universal. i guess if you take anything from this, it's that breaking away from pre-established critical conventions used to judge a certain subsection of a medium to instead create new ways of judging something based on vibe or energy or whatever else opens up surprisingly fulfilling opportunities of enjoyment out of what you come across in life. as someone who's gone to a lot of college parties where a dj's playing, to see how happy people are to hear the exact kind of music that cynical types on the internet have had me to believe is apparently indefensible is a contrast that kind of disillusioned me from said vitriolic reactions. to be upfront sometimes i really don't know why people just choose to focus in on their negative emotions when they could be digging the very tiniest bit under the mainstream to find music that they do end up liking. and personally i prefer to listen to music as escapism to begin with, so maybe focusing on different aspects of songs than i'm supposed to pay attention to according to those kinds of people isn't inherently as much of a crime as they make it out to be sometimes then again i really don't like the idea some people have that all music needs to be judged on a literal-minded academic ass "lyrics first and foremost" scale to begin with at the expense of literally everything else the music has to offer i.e melodies, harmonics, flow, the production, etc etc (though granted not like lyrics don't matter at least a bit) to begin with but ANYWAY this is way the fuck too long. why am i still writing long after my fingers have worn out

Beats are such an integral part of rap music. I believe viewing it as mainly a lyrical art form is taking a look at it from a wrong angle. Rap is probably my favorite genre of music, so I feel pretty strong about this subject. I don't know entirely to what you've listened to, but after seeing you list albums liks Madvilliany and Ready to Die, it shows to me that you do want to really understand and appreciate this music. If I may suggest albums, based on what you've said: To Pimp a Butterfly by Kendrick Lamar is probably the best example of beats and tonal expression in modern rap music. It is very, very heavily influenced and implements jazz into the entire album. Not to mention the lyrics are very important tell a story through the entire album. This is probably my mainly point of rap that I enjoy the most. A lot of landmark rap albums, to me, tell the best stories in music. Another good example of this is Aquamini by Outkast. I suppose, as you say, you enjoy tonal music over lyrical importance. So, I can understand when an album is more focused on just rapping, like Eminem or something like that. But, a lot of rap that I focus on is very very beat heavy. Now, I could sit here and suggest trap music. I know that, that is not for everyone. But if I had to suggest any trap music, Denzel Curry's TABOO is probably, objectively the best trap album ever. My personal favorite is Die Lit by Playboi Carti, if I may also suggest. I'd like to shift a bit of focus to my favorite rap album, and in turn my favorite studio album ever produced in general; which is Liquid Swords by GZA. Liquid Swords to me, is everything I personally love about rap music. It's the album, other than TPAB, that I suggest to people. Lyrically, it has everything that makes gangsta rap perfect. It's hard, it's aggressive, yet it's sad and has something to say. The beats are nearly unmatched, and the sampling means something greater than most in the genre. Now, focusing on MF DOOM, I can see where your taste lies in that. May I suggest records like Endtroducing... by DJ Shadow (not rap but important hip hop), It Takes A Nation of a Million to Hold Us Back by Public Enemy (important early hip hop that heavily influences modern rap music), Enter the Wu-tang (36 Chambers) by Wu-Tang Clan (which is an influence in major samples being used during albums, much like Madvilliany), The Cold Vein by Cannibal Ox (a contemporary piece of nerd rap that is closely related to Madvilliany), Flower Boy by Tyler, The Creator (more lyrically focused, but obviously influenced by Madvillainy), Some Rap Songs by Earl Sweatshirt (all lyrical and a lot less beats, but all together is linked to that album. Experimental). Experimental rap is also something I would suggest exploring like Exmilitary by Death Grips or Atrocity Exhibition by Danny Green. I could go on and on about rap music, but I hope you can at least give some of these albums a chance. I don't know if I could convince you or anything, I just like seeing people trying to branch out their musical taste. So it's cool that you made a thread like this to try and reach out.