Old Man Jenkins

For a premise that at least sounded fun on paper, I found this to be anything but. I give it 0.9 Happy Krabby Birthdays out of 5 Whale of a Birthdays.

My unrealistic expectations after my last post aside, this was a pretty good Squidward crash out episode. I give it 3.9 Kelptucky Fried Chickens out of 5

The Lurker: Throughout countless millennia, we here at the SpongeBob Community have seen hypothetical situations involving nazi squids, handsome squids and eldritch starfish abominations. Today, I shall take you on an urban exploration of another likely scenario of similar hypothetical proportions. Today, this lurker begs the question: Episode 49: “What If…SpongeBob was a Gangster?” Episode 1a) Bang Bang Meep Meep: One day, Gangster SB finally made parole and was released back out into society. His parole officer and ride or die, Patrick Star, recommended that he get into a good, honest line of work. For instance, the Krusty Krab is now hiring. Gangster SB boat jacks some poor schmo, breaks his leg and runs over a shitload of Incidentals on the way over. Once at the restaurant, he comes upon Mr. Krabs and Squidward, one of whom is currently mourning the loss of their previous fry cook who passed away under mysterious circumstances. Gangster SB is like “fuck a job” and lays out the terms for his own brand of “Help” that seems “needed” moreso than “Wanted”, but Squidward, being Gangster SB’s literal next door neighbor and thus aware of all the yellow and pink company that he keeps, tells Gangster SB’s bitch ass to get bent back on Inferno Island. Squidward and his boss, as well as Gangster SB, all have a hearty laugh at his rape joke/deep pull ahh reference combo before Gangster SB decides to leave the premises amicably. As soon as Gangster SB leaves, Krabs is able to smell trouble coming a mile away. However, he has trouble discerning the exact stench until it hits him like a bus: “Anchoviiiiiieeeeez! With a Z!” Krabs cries out as a gang of anchovies pull up looking to shake the infamous penny pincher down. Krabs decides he has taken these Anchoviez’s shit for too long and orders Squidward to politely ask them to leave his restaurant. The Anchoviez don’t take too kindly to Squidward’s passive aggressive brand of smartassery, so they break three of his tentacles to get their point across. Krabs and Squidward retreat to higher ground and are literally clinging on for dear life when Gangster SB returns with a SIG and sawed-off in both hands and lights the whole place up to tune of “Natural Born Killaz” by Dr. Dre ft. Ice Cube, forcing any surviving anchovy left to retreat. Krabs thanks him for the help that was very much wanted in that moment, but Squidward would rather rim job Bubble Bass after some light cardio than be indebted to this piece of sea snow. Krabs officially accepts Gangster SB’s offer of protection for his restaurant from here on out. Patrick arrives to check in to see if Gangster SB is getting along fine at his new job, and Gangster SB strong arms the Krusty Krew into covering for him. Gangster SB contemplates offing Patrick right then and there, putting the barrel of his gun up to the back of Patrick’s hollow ass skull with his finger on the trigger, but ultimately decides that he may still have his uses in his “organization” Episode 1b) Whistle Blower One day, Gangster SB is dealing reefer out of his pineapple drug house in broad daylight, which is all the reason his next door neighbor Squidward needs to snitch on his ass and remove him and his bad influence from the neighborhood. Squidward calls the cops, but it’s soon revealed that they’ve been paid off by Gangster SB. The episode ends with them procuring Squidward’s silence by stomping his snitching ass into the ground. Episode 1c) Showdown at the Weedome One day, Gangster SB was on his way to collect his money from Krabs when he was suddenly interrupted by sounds of a struggle. Not wanting anyone else to muscle in on his turf, Gangster SB goes to investigate and sees a female land squirrel defending herself against a giant clam. He pulls out his “Handbook 4 da Recently Gangster” to find out that this creature is what’s considered a “baby girl” and automatically grabs his semi-automatic in order to get into her scuba suit, but the squirrel handily busts out her own semi-automatic and guns the clam down. Somehow impressed, the baby squirrel named Sandy invites SpongeBob to her weed farm for tea and pot nut brownies. Soon coming to suspect that this could all be some sorta elaborate set-up, Gangster SB invites his parole officer, Patrick, to come with to dissuade any funny business. After Patrick offers Gangster SB some friendly parole officer fingering advice by advising him to use his only pinky, Gangster SB and Patrick finally arrive at Sandy’s dank ass “Weedome”. Gangster SB quickly comes to find out that both he and Patrick won’t be able to survive for long under its extreme lockdown open air conditions. Gangster SB realizes this is so obviously a trap, even Squidward could’ve seen it past his big ass nose. This is when Sandy finally drops the act and reveals she’s a Texas sheriff tasked with bringing Gangster SB, who is wanted in more than 100 Texas counties, to justice. This joint operation gets underway, with the finest of Bikini Bottom and Texas both arriving in full force to bring Gangster SB down. Gangster SB brandishes his AK and uses Patrick as a starfish shield. This leads to an intense standoff until the paid off BBPD officers from the last segment start picking off Sandy’s deputies one by one. Sheriff Sandy takes note of this development and blasts both their brains out. This distraction allows Gangster SB to call in reinforcements. The war buses carrying Anchoviez arrive to even the odds, one of them running down Sheriff Sandy when she was already a grown squirrel. The Anchoviez overwhelm the law on all fronts, and with their Sheriff already gravely injured, the Texans are forced into a hasty retreat back to dry land. Gangster SB, meanwhile, uses the chaos to flee the scene with Patrick in tow. Patrick plays dumb about the whole ordeal, which is all Gangster SB needs to know that his continued cooperation is secured. Gangster SB drops his parole officer off at a secluded location while a mortally wounded Sheriff Sandy gets into contact with Captain Blue SquarePants of the Bikini Bottom Police Department. She relays that members of his police force turned on her and her deputies which led to his nephew escaping justice. Captain Blue is just as surprised as she is, which she doesn’t buy his bullshit one bit. The Lurker: Yes, they ARE ALL Gangsters, aren’t they?

Wanted to make this match happen back when Titans of the Tide came out, but better late than never I suppose. Downloaded both of these off community creator because they’re better than what I could probably drum up, but I changed the Dutchman up a bit look a bit more like his Search for SquarePants counterpart.

Been undertaking the arduous task of recreating a lot of the characters from scratch as I try to move SpongeBrawl forward into the future that is 2K25 (I was previously using WWE 2K22)! Had an itch to do this shit again, and it might play further into another project I’ve got cooking up. But for now, here’s a sample of what I’ve got so far.

Plot: Sandy and SpongeBob seek Squidward’s help to solve racism through the power of Kelptucky Fried Chicken.

Playing a rapping card game has somehow left me severely injured

Saw it last night. Idk if I’m just becoming a miserable old unc because I like to think my threshold on what’s good and what’s bad is pretty damn generous/forgiving (probably one of the few people who genuinely likes Good Dinosaur here lol and I prob have the most positive things to say about Lilo and Stitch live action) but this movie just was not it for me. It felt like same old thing again, SpongeBob and Patrick going on a sea-trotting adventure, with added first movie retreading by switching out wanting to “be men” to being seen as a “big guy” (at least that plot element gives the Ice Spice song more relevance to the movie, I suppose). The humor didn’t land for me personally more often than not and SB humor is usually on point for me, even the third movie accomplished that more for me. The story itself I thought was perfectly fine despite taking a lot of liberties with the established lore and pretty much feeling almost as same-y as the first movie. The added element of the Dutchman and his crew as featured players throughout most of it did enough to make it feel not quite as same-y and it gave SpongeBob and Patrick more to bounce off of than just each other. I really liked the added emphasis on Mr. Krabs and his relationship with SpongeBob in this one. This felt very much like Krabs’ movie as well, similar to how the second movie placed a lot of the spotlight on Plankton. There was one particular gag involving Sandy that made me laugh. But then the movie has to do the thing these movies tend to do and go live-action, but the live-action segment in this movie felt absolutely the most egregious and momentum-stopping for me. I was starting to feel second-hand embarrassed the more it went on. Idk it just was not it for me, and made the ending feel like that much less of a big deal. To me, the movie just abruptly ends on a rather low note, to the point I asked myself “that was it?” I could feel the weight of the journey and its end result in the previous movies. I did not feel much of any weight with this. glad to hear that a lot of other people seemed to like it online, and more power to them for that. Most of the people coming out of the showing before mine sure seemed entertained. Maybe I would’ve felt some of that too if my showing had more than just me and like five other people. Tho I don’t necessarily feel like watching it a second time to test that theory lol (but I’ll probably wind up doing that anyway). Was hoping to at least be entertained by this, especially after the goodness that was Titans of the Tide, but this unfortunately didn’t cut it for me. EDIT: Went to a much more lively showing last night to see if that does anything. Didn’t really do much to enhance the movie for me, unfortunately. Nice to see others genuinely enjoying it tho.

“The Salacious Six” After blowing through a Morcoitilln dollars in record time, SpongeBob is forced to “return the Spongyverse to its roots”, as he calls it. Back is the shoestring budget and his friends taking on more roles in the cast. Aarfin Taylor-Johnson had a scheduling conflict with Nosferatu’s movie. The only actor who bothered reprising their role was Jared Weto after “Planktron: Kares” flopped at the box office. Not even the bartender from Suckem 3 wanted to return. He had to be replaced by the waiter who hates his life from Goofy Goobers. Following the formation of their dangerous alliance at the very end of “Morcoitus”, Dr. Michael Morcoitus and The Salvager are cold on the trail for Earth-67’s Mermaid Man. So cold, that they’re shivering. Staging various attacks and feasting on various poops across New Kelp City isn’t enough to lure the hero and his young ward out of hiding. They soon feel the need to hire Cravin the Overfishers’ services in hunting the supposed hero down. Cravin’s skills leads them to the Krusty Krab franchise located in Fort Lox, the site of a fairly recent Naggy Daddy heist orchestrated by the deplorable Kelp-Thing. The Salacious Trio takes the restaurant’s proprietor into his office and torture him for information as to the whereabouts of the heroic figure who thwarted the Kelp-Thing’s plot. Before they can ask him for the color of their underwear, Tarakhan’s overfishing forces descend upon the scene and whisks them all away in a huge net. Tarakhan takes them onto his boat, laying down the law that he’s the most evil villain in this movie now. But his assertion of dominance is challenged when the Suckem spawn from the end of “Suckem: Getting Every Last Suck In” suddenly appears from under the boat, having abandoned his previous bartender host and had latched himself onto Tarakhan’s boat hull ever since. Suckem then latches himself onto the character he deems to be the most evil, The Proprietor. With The Proprietor fully assimilated to the suckerfish hive mind that was previously established during the ending of “Suckem: Let There Be Suckage”, Suckem is able to convey his alternate universe counterpart’s memories of Mermaid Man to the rest of the team, which is quite frankly fucking useless in this universe. However, he is eventually able to contribute something useful in the form of every known Mermaid Man’s connection to one Madamazon River. Suckem offers to lead them all to her so that they can use her to get their revenge on Mermaid Man for what he’s done to alternate versions of themselves in completely separate universes. Suckem leads them all back to New Kelp City, right where The Salvager and Morcoitus started just a couple blocks away. They lay siege to Madamazon River’s apartment/lair/place thing shown at the end of her movie, where she and the three future Mermaid Women are struggling to make rent. Speaking of which, The Land Lord makes his presence felt by once again asking the ladies where his rent is. With the three future Mermaid Women still not yet becoming the Mermaid Women they’re eventually meant to be, Madamazon River forms an uneasy alliance with the five evil villains to defeat The Land Lord once and for all, which they manage to accomplish thanks to duty-free stock footage of real life crabs fighting. With The Land Lord defeated, the newly formed Salacious Six can now focus their combined efforts on this universe’s Mermaid Man, who Madamazon River has also grown to hate due to him ghosting her clairvoyant calls to him and thus actively keeping the three future Mermaid Women from fulfilling their destinies of becoming Mermaid Women. She reveals that the last time she tried making contact with him, his location was pinged as being in a cave in Fort Lox. The Salacious Six proceed to carpool their way back to Fort Lox. On the ride over, the members of the slapdashed team have their obligatory in-fighting over who will be their leader, which The Salvager wins by virtue of coming from a better movie than all of theirs combined. They soon arrive at Mermaid Man’s last known location, a sort of lair of some sort built into some random cave. They scavenge the place for the object of their disdain, or at least something relevant to him. Cravin unearths Mermaid Man’s own Mermaid Credit Card, which they then use to run up his credit in order to lure him to them. The owner of the credit card is able to track them through their exorbitant purchases, but it’s not quite the owner they were counting on. In yet another instance of Drippy Brother meddling/post-production washing out of Mermaid Man from the franchise, a CGI Barnacle Bill superimposed over Mermaid Man confronts The Salacious Six and beats their collective asses around for ruining his credit. Speaking of Drippy Brother meddling, The Salvager is transported back to his original universe mid-fight because Kevin Feige the Sea Cucumber said so. Now at a major disadvantage, The Salacious Six get their butts kicked twice as hard. Suckem leaves The Proprietor for dead as he opportunistically tries latching onto Barnacle Bill instead, which he does successfully. With Suckem assimilating Barnacle Bill to their side, the dark side, The Salacious Six achieve their goal of truly making this universe free of a Mermaid Man-like figure. However, they’re still one member short of a full Salacious Six following Salvager’s untimely departure. The movie ends with them plotting to break Kelp-Thing out of Fort Lox Prison in order to recruit him for their “Salacious Initiative”. In a post-credits scene, Madamazon River reminds the others (Kelp-Thing now included) that there’s still the matter of the baby Mermaid Man that was born in her movie. The Salacious Six unite to kill a toddler, I guess. FIN

“Cravin the Overfisher” Following the death of his mother, Ilya Pissinoff (played by Aarfin Taylor-Johnson, who was specifically sought after for the role after SpongeBob saw him as Tangerine Storm in Bullet Boat) and his half-brother Alexei are taken by their father Vladimir Pissinoff to prepare to take over his commercial fishing operations. During a fishing trip in Gansabaai, South Africa, Ilya is injured protecting his brother from a rare leopard seal. The leopard seal then brings him to a girl named Naunet, who heals him with mysterious power of godly origin and calls for rescue, leaving a Mermaid credit card behind. Ilya discovers his physical attributes have become animalistic. When Vladimir reveals he killed the sea leopard to teach his sons a lesson, a disgusted Ilya flees to a fish sanctuary owned by his mother in Russia. Sixteen years later, Ilya, now going by Cravin (after his voracious leopard seal-esque appetite), is a vigilante who hunts fishermen who dare overfish in or around sanctuary waters. After killing a seal fur harvester on Tyuleniy Island, Cravin travels to London for Alexei’s birthday. Their reunion is short-lived when sea bear mercenaries abduct Alexei. When Vladimir refuses to pay the ransom, Cravin tracks down Naunet, now working as a paralegal for her boss, the Egyptian god of the primordial watery abyss, Nun, and threatens to run up her mermaid credit to get her to help. Meanwhile, Alexei meets the man behind his kidnapping, Ivan Jerkov, who took part in an experiment granting him the strength and visage of a sea rhinoceros. Ivan proposes an alliance to overthrow Vladimir’s hold on the fish market. Discovering Cravin’s connection to Alexei, Ivan lures him to a monastery in the Sea of Marmara, but Cravin survives the ambush encircling the entire monastery in a large, perfect anti-sea bear circle. Ivan hires the Flamboyant Cuttlefish, an assassin who uses ocular hypnosis to disorient his targets, to kill Cravin. Tracking Cravin and Naunet to his sanctuary, Ivan and the Flamboyant Cuttlefish ambush Cravin. Drugging him with tetrodotoxin, the Flamboyant Cuttlefish attacks Cravin but Naunet kills him with a harpoon and uses her godly sea powers to revive Cravin. Ivan later mourns the loss by making the weirdest fucking vocal noise put to film. Look it up. Cravin then uses a sea bear stampede to lure and trap Ivan, who, despite turning into the Sea Rhino and briefly overpowering Cravin, is killed when Cravin reveals he is wearing his patented anti-sea rhinoceros undergarments. Coming to the conclusion that Valdimir was the one who revealed his existence to Ivan, Cravin tracks his father for answers. Vladimir reveals that he knew Ivan was targeting him and manipulated his sons to take him off the board. Cravin steals Vladimir’s spears and harpoons so that his father will be killed by a sea bear that he unleashes into his office One year later, Cravin hears Alexei’s voice in his head and is shocked that he has willingly inherited their father's fishing empire. Having gained cockroach powers from the doctor who experimented on Ivan (having chosen this power set specifically due to being called a “roach” all his life), Alexei reveals this to Cravin and states that despite his claims of being morally superior, he and Vladimir were the same: overfishers craving for more in the next great fishing spot. Alexei then gives Cravin the slip by escaping his ear and flying off to the peace, freedom, justice and security of his new empire. That we’ll never ever see or experience for ourselves. At home, Cravin discovers a note from Vladimir along with a vest made from the fur of the leopard seal Vladimir killed long ago, which he puts on, fully cementing himself as a totalhypocrite just like the rest of his deadbeat ass family, and therefore a villain from here on out. In a post-credits scene, Alexei, now going by the moniker “Tarakhan”, is seen at the Krusty Krab, appearing much more roach-like than ever before. He hammers out a deal with the proprietor to use the restaurant’s property as his latest fishing spot. They seal the deal with a delicious Krabby Patty. The movie ends with the roach enjoying said patty. This was an Aquaman 2 reference. Tarakhan’s new empire will, in fact, return…

“Suckem: Getting Every Last Suck In” After being transported to Earth-69 by Professor Peculiar’s spell in “Mermaid Man: No Way Retirement Home”, Ridley Kemp and the Suckem parasite are drunk in a bar in the Gulf of Mexico. As the bartender fills them in about the Mermaid Cinematic Universe’s Hermanos and the Limitless Boulders, they are forced back to their home universe on Earth-67, to the same bar in their universe’s Gulf of America. Still on the run after their recent battle with Suckage, the apparent murder of detective Patrick Morray makes international headlines which prompts Ridley, who has been deemed the prime suspect, to set out to New Kelp City in an attempt to clear his name. But not before unwittingly leaving a bit of Suckem at the bar. A retcon SpongeBob was forced to make from the No Way Retirement Home ending because Kevin Feige the Sea Cucumber saw that shit stinking up his movie and was like, “who the fuck is this?!” A creature known as a Grouper Trooper has begun secretly tracking Ridley and Suckem. The recent events catch the attention of Rex Hardass, a soldier who oversees SHIELD- I mean, GUN- I mean, BLUNT OBJECT, a government operation at the site of the soon-to-be-decommissioned Treedome 51 for the capture and study of other extraterrestrial parasites that have fallen to Earth. Patrick Morray, revealed to have survived his encounter with Suckage, is captured after being left for dead by the space sucker, no, the ONE SINGULAR THING this sequel had going into it, Suckin, who eluded Hardass’ soldiers entirely offscreen because it knew better than to have its big coming out party be in the Spongyverse. Morray is bonded with one of many contained, and most importantly, unnamed space suckerfish and is questioned by BLUNT OBJECT researchers Dr. Whozit and Sadie Whatzit to learn about the parasites’ purpose on Earth before Hardass is ordered to bring Suckem down. While attaching themselves to the side of a boat bound for New Kelp City, Ridley and Suckem are attacked by the Grouper Troopers tracking them and are forced to drop into the Nevada Gulch. Suckem explains to Ridley that Grouper Troopers were unleashed into the universe by the space suckerfishes’ creator Null to retrieve a Phallix, forged when a space suckerfish revives its host, which Null hopes can free him from the prison the space suckerfish race trapped him in long ago. Having previously reviving Ridley in the first movie (which I hope you remember because I sure fucking don’t), Suckem and Ridley are now carrying a Phallix in them, which the Grouper Troopers have tracked to Earth. After being ambushed by Hardass and his team of hardasses, Ridley barely escapes from them and the Grouper Troopers. Ridley meets High Tide (played by the same actor who portrayed The Amphibian in 2012’s “Confounding Mermaid Man” for reasons I refuse to decipher at this point) and his family of traveling hippies who offer Ridley a free ride to Bass Vegas on their way to see Treedome 51 before its inevitable closure. Meanwhile, Patrick Morray’s new space suckerfish whose name didn’t fit in the budget informs Hardass of Null’s intentions for the Phallix, which can only be destroyed if either Ridley or Suckem dies. Arriving in Bass Vegas, Ridley and Suckem run into Mrs. Swai at a hot air balloon/casino. Suckem sucks every last ounce of life left in her character, which wasn’t even that much, before being ambushed by the Grouper Troopers again. Haddass’ crack team of hardasses arrive, separates Suckem from Ridley (ouch) and takes them to Treedome 51 where Ridley shares the least touching reunion with Patrick Morray, who is practically an entirely different character at this point. Sadie Whatzit frees Suckem, who re-bonds with Ridley after Hardass decides to be a hardass about things and shoots him. This ever so slightly more touching reunion attracts the Grouper Troopers to the base, which causes Patrick Morray to fuck right off out of the movie. Suckem has the other confined space suckerfish released, which bonds with Sadie and other faceless mooks in the vicinity in order to act as more sacrificial lambs to the Grouper Troopers, who have signaled to Null that the Phallix has been found. Null sends more Troopers through portals to Earth like a fucking Power Rangers villain, overwhelming the space suckerfish. Realizing he must sacrifice himself to destroy the Phallix and save the universe, Suckem attaches himself to all the Grouper Troupers at once, leads them into tartar sauce tanks, and bids Ridley farewell before ejecting him as a mortally wounded Hardass sacrifices himself to summon Hans to have him eat Suckem and the Groupers. Dr. Whozit bonds with a space suckerfish to save Sadie, who’s married to a fucking doodle now. I don’t know anymore. I don’t care. A doodle got married before I did. It’s over, mang, it’s over. Ridley later wakes up in a hospital, where a military official informs him that his actions with Suckem at Treedome 51 have earned him nothing, No MCU money and bitches. Ridley loses, good day sir. He is then taken to the same prison The Salvager fucked off to at the end of Morcoitus. In a mid-credits, Null declares that the universe is no longer safe from him now that Suckem has sucked his last suck, but he is immediately rendered null and void (see what I did there with his name?) because ain’t no way his shit is being brought back up again. I’ll die before his shit is ever followed up on. I’ll make sure of it. In a post credits scene, the bartender from “Mermaid Man: No Way Retirement Home” - who was taken into custody by Hardass shortly after Ridley left for New Kelp - escapes the burned remains of Treedome 51. He crawls out of the rubble next to a broken vial that previously contained a sample of the Suckem space parasite. Cue the new Eminem joint. The “No Way Retirement Home” Bartender will return…yes, this is the real Suckem origin story

This is the real Karate Kid Legends

Was eating good in the Target clearance section the other day. Doom ended up getting marked down to $20.99 when I checked again yesterday

just gonna go ahead and skip doing Across The Spider-Verse. Just imagine a bunch of jokes equating the treatment of animators to SpongeBob’s treatment of Gary in The Great Snail Race. “Madamazon River” A research team in the AmAzOn RiVeR iN pErU led by a pregnant Constance Eell in 1973 discovers an unidentified underwater dwelling species with rare healing properties that local legends call the “yacaruna”. Ezekiel Miscast, the man Constance hired for protection and security, goes against his character’s comic accurate origins and betrays the team, claiming the power of the yacaruna for himself by having a gay one night stand with one of them, as per the local lore I found on google. He then shoots Constance in a struggle once it becomes apparent that all of his dialogue will be badly dubbed from here on out and he leaves Constance to die. A yacaruna tribesman attempts to save Constance by having her consent to a mating ritual in order to pass the previously established healing properties onto her. However, she dies shortly after spontaneously giving birth to her daughter, Cassandra. Thirty years later, Cassandra Eell, now going by "Cassie", because what else can you call her for short? “Assie”? Screw it, I’m immature. Assie now works as a paramedic in New Kelp City alongside her co-workers Ben (or Jonathan) Huckler and O'Neil. Just O’Neil. After displaying somewhat alarming feelings of wuhever about her job that involves saving lives on a regular basis, they get a dangerous rescue call where she falls into the water and has a near-death experience. Ben (or Jonathan) revives Assie, but she begins to experience visions of the blonde hick chick with bad pigtails and missing teeth-variety. Initially, she dismisses them as mere subliminal messages, but after failing to prevent O'Neil's death which came as a result of SpongeBob going over budget and thus was forced to cut O’Neil’s role short in post, Assie realizes she can see into the future. That’s So Assie. Ezekiel, who has limited precognition power and enhanced aquatically physical abilities, uses the vast resources his powers have helped him accumulate over the years to collect information on three teenage girls. And I’ll just go ahead and leave it at that. His visions lead him to believe that they are destined to kill the Spongy Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy Universe because they’re all simply mermaid girls and not mermaid MEN. Assie is also drawn to the same mermaid girls and intervenes to stop Ezekiel from ambushing them at Clam Central Terminal. She steals a taxi and takes the girls out of the city to hide them in a nearby kelp forest. Assie returns to her apartment and finds her mother's notes which she apparently neglected to pay much attention to for all these years, which conveniently tell of Ezekiel's identity and the true nature of his character’s comic book origins. Ignoring Assie’s instructions, the girls go to a diner where Ezekiel finds them. After briefly incapacitating Ezekiel by ramming him with the stolen taxi, Assie takes the girls back to Sea Queens and they take refuge at Ben's (or Jonathan’s). Assie flies her ass to Peru and tracks down Amaru, the yacarunan tribal chief who had tried to save her mother. He puts her through a ritual that separates her further from her own comic book accuracy. She experiences a plane of higher consciousness where all living things are disconnected and every possible future can be seen. Assie learns that her mother sought the yacaruna not for fame or money by harvesting their previously established healing properties, as she had originally believed, but for the fame and money that’ll come once she saves the Spongy Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy Universe by finding a mermaid-adjacent male of some sort who can carry this fledgling universe on his back. Amaru tells her that accepting her role can unlock her true power. This entire Peruvian sequence took place within the span of an entire week btw. Ben's (or Jonathan’s) pregnant sister-in-law Mary (or Martha) goes into labor earlier than expected so he takes her to the hospital, along with the mermaid girls, who are seen on the street cameras when in the car. Sus Ezekiel intercepts them again, but Assie rescues the girls in a stolen ambulance this time and distracts Ezekiel so Ben (or Jonathan) and Mary (or Martha) can escape. The group lures Ezekiel to a condemned pie bomb factory and sets up traps to disorient him while Assie calls for a medical evacuation helicopter to fly to their location so that they can steal that too. He destroys the helicopter with one of his water balls before they could hijack it and uses a raging whirlpool to separate the girls, then taunts Assie with Constance's death. Assie uses her own mermaid-adjacent powers to guide the girls to safety, then lures Ezekiel into the final trap, which is a stolen boatmobile coated in invisible spray that fatally crushes him. An active pie bomb strikes her in the face, severely injuring her. The girls save Assie, and she is taken to the hospital just as Mary (or Martha) gives birth to her son, Legal Loophole (or Ernie [or Jim]). Assie wakes up to discover that she is now only an eel, which means she’s clinically unable to do anything. However, her yacarunan clairvoyance enables her to see the future much more clearly. She assures the girls that we only have two movies left, they won’t even get to use their mermaid powers even once and they’ll all ultimately amount to nothing in the grand scheme of things. But at least we got these costumes made! Sorry O’Neil.

Nibiru