Old Man Jenkins

Decided to belatedly celebrate my second 15th anniversary by booking my first SpongeBrawl show in…over two years?!

Good. Good for Squidward.

Why they gotta put out such Skodable stuff

The Green Tentacle Returns already?

The Green Testicle One day, SpongeBob and Sandy are having a philosophical debate over whether racism is a problem that truly can be solved. Then SpongeBob remembers that they have a literal god as a friend with benefits. Sandy is all up in science’s ass, as per usual whenever the subject of Skodwarde comes up, plus she reminds him that Skodwarde is also a fucking nazi who also happens to be a squid. SpongeBob says that’s even better so that they can get a perspective from the other side of the fence! SpongeBob races over to Skodwarde’s unholy grounds, where Skodwarde is seen using his god powers to trim one of his bushes so that it looks like A bush. SpongeBob comments that it looks a lot like Patrick’s before forcefully roping Skodwarde (literally, with Sandy’s molecularly engineered atheist bullrope) into his plan to finally solve racism. Meanwhile, Patrick is seen questioning why his left nut is green. Once back at the Treedome, Sandy sees Skodwarde on her property and instantly goes to get her trusty gun. Skodwarde then threatens to summon ICE on her hairy ass. SpongeBob passes all of Sandy’s research on racism onto Skodwarde, who is surprised this air breathing bitch can even form sentences, let alone words. Skodwarde comes to the conclusion that in all his endless time in the infinite cosmos, racism has long existed alongside him so SpongeBob’s yellow ass and Sandy’s brown ass should just stop with the 2025 Superman bullshit before he summons ICE on them. Sandy hyper focuses on the words “racism has long existed alongside him” and wonders aloud what that implies. She questions him as to whether racism is just a construct or something more, something tangible, something that truly exists and lives among them. Skodwarde refuses to entertain these non-sexual fantasies anymore until Sandy twists his titties hard enough to tell the truth. Skodwarde admits that racism does exist in the form of a creature so foul, so full of hate that it can only originate from one centralized location and one centralized location only. And that disgusting creature is none other than the Alaskan! Bull! Worm! The original nostalgia master baiter is back, bitches! Everything’s cumming full circle for Sandy. Her obvious character trajection has all led up to this, another encounter with the monster that had her running away like a little bitch back in like Season 2 or whatever the fuck. Sandy, SpongeBob, Skodwarde and the Worm Returns! Sandy twists Skodwarde’s titties another 180 degrees so that he teleports them to the racist worm’s location. Sandy then grabs Skodwarde by the dick to use him as a gun, just like she did in Atlantis: The Skod Empire. Not fooled by its tongue this time, Sandy uses Skodwarde’s god powers to sever that thang, incurring the worm’s hateful rhetoric. After some nautical nonsense involving cocking Skodwarde’s cock and some genuinely cancellable offenses, Sandy finally slays her demon, thus Saving Bikini Bottom from its fatal influence. In order to test whether Sandy’s hypothesis worked, Skodwarde recites a passage from Mein Kampf and feels absolutely nothing from it! Skodwarde proceeds to burn his original copy with his pew pew eye lazors as he declares he’s not a Nazi anymore! They decide to show Skodwarde to everyone in town while wearing a yamaka before celebrating with some Kelptucky Fried Chicken in Sandy’s truck and dumping their trash all over the road. SpongeBob then forces Sandy and Skodwarde to back it up and clean up after themselves. Happy Skoddy Anniversary One day, it marked 15 years since SpongeBob and Skodwarde became neighbors, and SpongeBob wants nothing more than to find his neighbor that one perfect gift. But since Skodwarde isn’t a Nazi anymore, he can’t just rely on ordering him extra copies of Mein Kampf. Calling back to episodes such as Dying for Pie and Whale of a Blowjob simply will not be enough to commemorate such a momentous occasion. What could one possibly get for the god who has everything? SpongeBob marches over to Skodwarde’s doorstep and knocks on his door. Skodwarde is fully prepared to now summon a block of ice on him if SpongeBob doesn’t remember the last time he got so sentimental. SpongeBob just wants to thank Skodwarde for 15 of the most fucked up years he’s ever experienced, even though the last 4 are a huge blur. SpongeBob says he wouldn’t trade off that time they had together for anything. Yeah, up yours Happy Krabby Birthday, you fucking bore! SpongeBob then cements their 15 years of neighbor-hood by giving Skodwarde the Gift of Cum, because you just can’t celebrate Skodwarde any other way. Patrick butts in to inform them that he has metastatic testicular cancer after getting his green testicle checked out and, therefore, will be killed off from the show imminently. Since today marks 15 years since he became Patrick’s neighbor as well, Skodwarde uses his god powers to purge Patrick of his cancer and to inform everyone on instagram that Patrick isn’t going anywhere anytime soon so they can all shut the fuck up. Later that day, Keanu Reeves blows into Skodwarde’s humble commode to check in on him, reminding Skodwarde that this is like the fourth or fifth fucking chance he’s had to do anything of real value. Skodwarde informs Keanu that he used this latest chance to solve racism, but Reeves reveals that all they did was drive a critically endangered worm species to complete extinction in order to create the illusion that they solved racism. Skodwarde says that Alaskan Eskimo parasite had it coming for over a decade! Keanu Reeves then uses his god powers to cancel Skodwarde a fifth or sixth time.

For a premise that at least sounded fun on paper, I found this to be anything but. I give it 0.9 Happy Krabby Birthdays out of 5 Whale of a Birthdays.

My unrealistic expectations after my last post aside, this was a pretty good Squidward crash out episode. I give it 3.9 Kelptucky Fried Chickens out of 5

The Lurker: Throughout countless millennia, we here at the SpongeBob Community have seen hypothetical situations involving nazi squids, handsome squids and eldritch starfish abominations. Today, I shall take you on an urban exploration of another likely scenario of similar hypothetical proportions. Today, this lurker begs the question: Episode 49: “What If…SpongeBob was a Gangster?” Episode 1a) Bang Bang Meep Meep: One day, Gangster SB finally made parole and was released back out into society. His parole officer and ride or die, Patrick Star, recommended that he get into a good, honest line of work. For instance, the Krusty Krab is now hiring. Gangster SB boat jacks some poor schmo, breaks his leg and runs over a shitload of Incidentals on the way over. Once at the restaurant, he comes upon Mr. Krabs and Squidward, one of whom is currently mourning the loss of their previous fry cook who passed away under mysterious circumstances. Gangster SB is like “fuck a job” and lays out the terms for his own brand of “Help” that seems “needed” moreso than “Wanted”, but Squidward, being Gangster SB’s literal next door neighbor and thus aware of all the yellow and pink company that he keeps, tells Gangster SB’s bitch ass to get bent back on Inferno Island. Squidward and his boss, as well as Gangster SB, all have a hearty laugh at his rape joke/deep pull ahh reference combo before Gangster SB decides to leave the premises amicably. As soon as Gangster SB leaves, Krabs is able to smell trouble coming a mile away. However, he has trouble discerning the exact stench until it hits him like a bus: “Anchoviiiiiieeeeez! With a Z!” Krabs cries out as a gang of anchovies pull up looking to shake the infamous penny pincher down. Krabs decides he has taken these Anchoviez’s shit for too long and orders Squidward to politely ask them to leave his restaurant. The Anchoviez don’t take too kindly to Squidward’s passive aggressive brand of smartassery, so they break three of his tentacles to get their point across. Krabs and Squidward retreat to higher ground and are literally clinging on for dear life when Gangster SB returns with a SIG and sawed-off in both hands and lights the whole place up to tune of “Natural Born Killaz” by Dr. Dre ft. Ice Cube, forcing any surviving anchovy left to retreat. Krabs thanks him for the help that was very much wanted in that moment, but Squidward would rather rim job Bubble Bass after some light cardio than be indebted to this piece of sea snow. Krabs officially accepts Gangster SB’s offer of protection for his restaurant from here on out. Patrick arrives to check in to see if Gangster SB is getting along fine at his new job, and Gangster SB strong arms the Krusty Krew into covering for him. Gangster SB contemplates offing Patrick right then and there, putting the barrel of his gun up to the back of Patrick’s hollow ass skull with his finger on the trigger, but ultimately decides that he may still have his uses in his “organization” Episode 1b) Whistle Blower One day, Gangster SB is dealing reefer out of his pineapple drug house in broad daylight, which is all the reason his next door neighbor Squidward needs to snitch on his ass and remove him and his bad influence from the neighborhood. Squidward calls the cops, but it’s soon revealed that they’ve been paid off by Gangster SB. The episode ends with them procuring Squidward’s silence by stomping his snitching ass into the ground. Episode 1c) Showdown at the Weedome One day, Gangster SB was on his way to collect his money from Krabs when he was suddenly interrupted by sounds of a struggle. Not wanting anyone else to muscle in on his turf, Gangster SB goes to investigate and sees a female land squirrel defending herself against a giant clam. He pulls out his “Handbook 4 da Recently Gangster” to find out that this creature is what’s considered a “baby girl” and automatically grabs his semi-automatic in order to get into her scuba suit, but the squirrel handily busts out her own semi-automatic and guns the clam down. Somehow impressed, the baby squirrel named Sandy invites SpongeBob to her weed farm for tea and pot nut brownies. Soon coming to suspect that this could all be some sorta elaborate set-up, Gangster SB invites his parole officer, Patrick, to come with to dissuade any funny business. After Patrick offers Gangster SB some friendly parole officer fingering advice by advising him to use his only pinky, Gangster SB and Patrick finally arrive at Sandy’s dank ass “Weedome”. Gangster SB quickly comes to find out that both he and Patrick won’t be able to survive for long under its extreme lockdown open air conditions. Gangster SB realizes this is so obviously a trap, even Squidward could’ve seen it past his big ass nose. This is when Sandy finally drops the act and reveals she’s a Texas sheriff tasked with bringing Gangster SB, who is wanted in more than 100 Texas counties, to justice. This joint operation gets underway, with the finest of Bikini Bottom and Texas both arriving in full force to bring Gangster SB down. Gangster SB brandishes his AK and uses Patrick as a starfish shield. This leads to an intense standoff until the paid off BBPD officers from the last segment start picking off Sandy’s deputies one by one. Sheriff Sandy takes note of this development and blasts both their brains out. This distraction allows Gangster SB to call in reinforcements. The war buses carrying Anchoviez arrive to even the odds, one of them running down Sheriff Sandy when she was already a grown squirrel. The Anchoviez overwhelm the law on all fronts, and with their Sheriff already gravely injured, the Texans are forced into a hasty retreat back to dry land. Gangster SB, meanwhile, uses the chaos to flee the scene with Patrick in tow. Patrick plays dumb about the whole ordeal, which is all Gangster SB needs to know that his continued cooperation is secured. Gangster SB drops his parole officer off at a secluded location while a mortally wounded Sheriff Sandy gets into contact with Captain Blue SquarePants of the Bikini Bottom Police Department. She relays that members of his police force turned on her and her deputies which led to his nephew escaping justice. Captain Blue is just as surprised as she is, which she doesn’t buy his bullshit one bit. The Lurker: Yes, they ARE ALL Gangsters, aren’t they?

Wanted to make this match happen back when Titans of the Tide came out, but better late than never I suppose. Downloaded both of these off community creator because they’re better than what I could probably drum up, but I changed the Dutchman up a bit look a bit more like his Search for SquarePants counterpart.

Been undertaking the arduous task of recreating a lot of the characters from scratch as I try to move SpongeBrawl forward into the future that is 2K25 (I was previously using WWE 2K22)! Had an itch to do this shit again, and it might play further into another project I’ve got cooking up. But for now, here’s a sample of what I’ve got so far.

Plot: Sandy and SpongeBob seek Squidward’s help to solve racism through the power of Kelptucky Fried Chicken.

Playing a rapping card game has somehow left me severely injured

Saw it last night. Idk if I’m just becoming a miserable old unc because I like to think my threshold on what’s good and what’s bad is pretty damn generous/forgiving (probably one of the few people who genuinely likes Good Dinosaur here lol and I prob have the most positive things to say about Lilo and Stitch live action) but this movie just was not it for me. It felt like same old thing again, SpongeBob and Patrick going on a sea-trotting adventure, with added first movie retreading by switching out wanting to “be men” to being seen as a “big guy” (at least that plot element gives the Ice Spice song more relevance to the movie, I suppose). The humor didn’t land for me personally more often than not and SB humor is usually on point for me, even the third movie accomplished that more for me. The story itself I thought was perfectly fine despite taking a lot of liberties with the established lore and pretty much feeling almost as same-y as the first movie. The added element of the Dutchman and his crew as featured players throughout most of it did enough to make it feel not quite as same-y and it gave SpongeBob and Patrick more to bounce off of than just each other. I really liked the added emphasis on Mr. Krabs and his relationship with SpongeBob in this one. This felt very much like Krabs’ movie as well, similar to how the second movie placed a lot of the spotlight on Plankton. There was one particular gag involving Sandy that made me laugh. But then the movie has to do the thing these movies tend to do and go live-action, but the live-action segment in this movie felt absolutely the most egregious and momentum-stopping for me. I was starting to feel second-hand embarrassed the more it went on. Idk it just was not it for me, and made the ending feel like that much less of a big deal. To me, the movie just abruptly ends on a rather low note, to the point I asked myself “that was it?” I could feel the weight of the journey and its end result in the previous movies. I did not feel much of any weight with this. glad to hear that a lot of other people seemed to like it online, and more power to them for that. Most of the people coming out of the showing before mine sure seemed entertained. Maybe I would’ve felt some of that too if my showing had more than just me and like five other people. Tho I don’t necessarily feel like watching it a second time to test that theory lol (but I’ll probably wind up doing that anyway). Was hoping to at least be entertained by this, especially after the goodness that was Titans of the Tide, but this unfortunately didn’t cut it for me. EDIT: Went to a much more lively showing last night to see if that does anything. Didn’t really do much to enhance the movie for me, unfortunately. Nice to see others genuinely enjoying it tho.

“The Salacious Six” After blowing through a Morcoitilln dollars in record time, SpongeBob is forced to “return the Spongyverse to its roots”, as he calls it. Back is the shoestring budget and his friends taking on more roles in the cast. Aarfin Taylor-Johnson had a scheduling conflict with Nosferatu’s movie. The only actor who bothered reprising their role was Jared Weto after “Planktron: Kares” flopped at the box office. Not even the bartender from Suckem 3 wanted to return. He had to be replaced by the waiter who hates his life from Goofy Goobers. Following the formation of their dangerous alliance at the very end of “Morcoitus”, Dr. Michael Morcoitus and The Salvager are cold on the trail for Earth-67’s Mermaid Man. So cold, that they’re shivering. Staging various attacks and feasting on various poops across New Kelp City isn’t enough to lure the hero and his young ward out of hiding. They soon feel the need to hire Cravin the Overfishers’ services in hunting the supposed hero down. Cravin’s skills leads them to the Krusty Krab franchise located in Fort Lox, the site of a fairly recent Naggy Daddy heist orchestrated by the deplorable Kelp-Thing. The Salacious Trio takes the restaurant’s proprietor into his office and torture him for information as to the whereabouts of the heroic figure who thwarted the Kelp-Thing’s plot. Before they can ask him for the color of their underwear, Tarakhan’s overfishing forces descend upon the scene and whisks them all away in a huge net. Tarakhan takes them onto his boat, laying down the law that he’s the most evil villain in this movie now. But his assertion of dominance is challenged when the Suckem spawn from the end of “Suckem: Getting Every Last Suck In” suddenly appears from under the boat, having abandoned his previous bartender host and had latched himself onto Tarakhan’s boat hull ever since. Suckem then latches himself onto the character he deems to be the most evil, The Proprietor. With The Proprietor fully assimilated to the suckerfish hive mind that was previously established during the ending of “Suckem: Let There Be Suckage”, Suckem is able to convey his alternate universe counterpart’s memories of Mermaid Man to the rest of the team, which is quite frankly fucking useless in this universe. However, he is eventually able to contribute something useful in the form of every known Mermaid Man’s connection to one Madamazon River. Suckem offers to lead them all to her so that they can use her to get their revenge on Mermaid Man for what he’s done to alternate versions of themselves in completely separate universes. Suckem leads them all back to New Kelp City, right where The Salvager and Morcoitus started just a couple blocks away. They lay siege to Madamazon River’s apartment/lair/place thing shown at the end of her movie, where she and the three future Mermaid Women are struggling to make rent. Speaking of which, The Land Lord makes his presence felt by once again asking the ladies where his rent is. With the three future Mermaid Women still not yet becoming the Mermaid Women they’re eventually meant to be, Madamazon River forms an uneasy alliance with the five evil villains to defeat The Land Lord once and for all, which they manage to accomplish thanks to duty-free stock footage of real life crabs fighting. With The Land Lord defeated, the newly formed Salacious Six can now focus their combined efforts on this universe’s Mermaid Man, who Madamazon River has also grown to hate due to him ghosting her clairvoyant calls to him and thus actively keeping the three future Mermaid Women from fulfilling their destinies of becoming Mermaid Women. She reveals that the last time she tried making contact with him, his location was pinged as being in a cave in Fort Lox. The Salacious Six proceed to carpool their way back to Fort Lox. On the ride over, the members of the slapdashed team have their obligatory in-fighting over who will be their leader, which The Salvager wins by virtue of coming from a better movie than all of theirs combined. They soon arrive at Mermaid Man’s last known location, a sort of lair of some sort built into some random cave. They scavenge the place for the object of their disdain, or at least something relevant to him. Cravin unearths Mermaid Man’s own Mermaid Credit Card, which they then use to run up his credit in order to lure him to them. The owner of the credit card is able to track them through their exorbitant purchases, but it’s not quite the owner they were counting on. In yet another instance of Drippy Brother meddling/post-production washing out of Mermaid Man from the franchise, a CGI Barnacle Bill superimposed over Mermaid Man confronts The Salacious Six and beats their collective asses around for ruining his credit. Speaking of Drippy Brother meddling, The Salvager is transported back to his original universe mid-fight because Kevin Feige the Sea Cucumber said so. Now at a major disadvantage, The Salacious Six get their butts kicked twice as hard. Suckem leaves The Proprietor for dead as he opportunistically tries latching onto Barnacle Bill instead, which he does successfully. With Suckem assimilating Barnacle Bill to their side, the dark side, The Salacious Six achieve their goal of truly making this universe free of a Mermaid Man-like figure. However, they’re still one member short of a full Salacious Six following Salvager’s untimely departure. The movie ends with them plotting to break Kelp-Thing out of Fort Lox Prison in order to recruit him for their “Salacious Initiative”. In a post-credits scene, Madamazon River reminds the others (Kelp-Thing now included) that there’s still the matter of the baby Mermaid Man that was born in her movie. The Salacious Six unite to kill a toddler, I guess. FIN