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Old Man Jenkins

Rose Gold
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Old Man Jenkins last won the day on May 25

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About Old Man Jenkins

  • Birthday 05/03/1993

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  • Discord Username
    Muy Nergigante#3437

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Pronoun
  • Interests
    - Basketball, y'all
    - Money
    - People buying my stuff
    - Circumcised swimming
    - Banging on a trashcan
    - Drumming on streetlights
    - Riffs! Yeah, right!
    - Pug trafficking
    - Grand Slams with extra Ham and a SIDE OF CARROT CAKE
    - FUUUCK
    - Throwin' down face-downs
    - Then ending my turns
    - Hey Ben.
    - Yeah?
    - See ya.
    - ...Yeah...
    - Puhhhhh
    - "Yo! Kai!"
    - "THAT'S MY NAME"
    - drinking up the gift of Jericho
    - I feel like I'm a bigger fan of Pokemon now than I was as a kid
    - Putting children's cartoon characters into adult situations
    - Honor
    - Family
    - Tradition
    - And donuts
    - Not Caring!
    - Covering wars, ya know
    - Getting it memorized
    - Making tombstones for stray dogs
    - This list is getting UPBEAT! UPBEAT!
    - Forklift racing
    - DENIM
    - Shaun White hoodies
    - Heading to the Tiki Lodge for some R&R
    - Breaking out the butter
    - Making toast
    - The George Lopez Show for like, the first 3 times
    - Same with My Wife and Kids
    - Standing unshaken amidst the clashing of worlds
    - Rodan.
    - Godzilla.
    - Bringing the darkness and the thunder
    - Coming from hell and pulling you under
    - Making you feel the wrath of my ways
    - Being the end of your days
    - When it's time to make the donuts
    - Dead Rising
    - DashieGames (pause?)
    - Being remembered as the July 2011 Employee of the Month
    - That's me!
    - That's MEEEEE! That's meee!
    - Employee of the MOOOOOONTH!
    - Mecha
    - Yes, Dear (somebody please syndicate this fucking show again! Put it on Netflix, Pluto TV, Tubi, Crackle, something!)
    - Sharks
    - Monster Hunter
    - Saving people
    - Hunting things
    - The family business
    - Kaiju No. 8
    - Lemons
    - Tangerines
    - Letting It Rip
    - Kissing your bot GOODBYE
    - Battling to be da man
    - Catching goblins on tape
    - collecting Universal Media Discs
    - Universal Media Discs
    - Just the PSP in general, mang
    - Baking pies without killing a dozen men! Ha ha ha

    This is the life, you see. The devil tips his hat to me.
  • Location
  • Favorite Episode
    Survival of the Idiots
  • Favorite Character
    Big Jack Horner

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Old Man Jenkins's Achievements

  1. I gotta say John Leary from Jack the Bear.
  2. Sorry I took so damn long, I really am getting old! Sheet Holy crap dude, I didn’t even think to check if they did a playthrough of this train wreck. Better late than never! Nova’s character creation skills are still on point as ever. How’s their original Saints Row vids already over a damn decade old The Resident Evil games are always my go-to, probably my fave horror series overall. There’s also stuff like Silent Hill (tho my history with this series isn’t as tenured as with RE), Left 4 Dead, The Evil Within, Outlast (really tense series), Alan Wake, Alien Isolation, and Until Dawn (and the other Until Dawn adjacent games made by the same developers). I’ve been playing a lot of Dead By Daylight since October when I got my friend group into it. That shit always makes for a good time. I’m sure I’m missing more, but that’s all that’s coming to my mind right now. Dead Space, BioShock, Little Nightmares and Phasmophobia are games I’ve been meaning to get to, but I heard mostly good things about. hope the ol’ stupid dog turned out as great for you as it did for me. Love dat show. Im touched it made you think of lil ol’ me lol (insert “I’ll have to remember that when I’m kicking your butt” Flats joke)
  3. Up where they walk! Up where they run! Up where they brawl all day in the sun! Wrestling free, wish I could be…part of this cross-promotion! Pearl wants the opportunity to prove herself, Mrs. Puff wants a big moment to return to, and Sandy seeks to test her mettle against one of Disney’s finest. Only one SpongeBob character can go on to face The Little Mermaid in the main event! Taking the place of Mr. Krabs, who wanted to bleed us for more money to compete in such a high profile match, Squidward looks to rebuild some of that momentum lost from his crushing defeat to Patrick at “Back For The Attack!” But much like with Ariel’s life, Sebastian won’t make that easy for him! Can Squidward go back to his winning ways, or will Sebastian rub his big, fat nose in it with another musical number? Mermaid Man considers himself The Champion of the Deep while Triton sees himself as its King. Years of dueling biologies and ideologies comes to a head when these two finally step into a SpongeBrawl ring! And not only that, that bad father still owes Mermaid Man 400 clams from their last poker game! Patrick Star was originally supposed to compete in this match in what was supposed to be a “Battle of Sidekicks”, but he pulled out due to feeling far above the “sidekick” moniker while serving as our current reigning Shazampion. Though we all know that he really no-showed because he didn’t want to get on Ariel’s bad side. You ain’t slick, Patrick! We were originally gonna build this up as Flounder seeking revenge on SpongeBob for what he did to Flats the Flounder all those years ago, but it has recently come to our attention that Flounder isn’t really a flounder at all. He’s a sergeant major! Now we have no story to build this off of! Larry the Snail says that he will be “in SpongeBob’s corner”, so that’s something to look out for. Enjoy the yellow-on-yellow violence, I guess! Due to not being the one who ate the pin during tonight’s opening match, Mrs. Puff has been given the dishonor of squaring off Ursula the Sea Witch! But Ursula is a sea witch that can hold a grudge. She still hasn’t forgotten failing her road test under Mrs. Puff! And not only that, Ursula’s supposedly inked a contract with “an outside third party” that binds her to “take out Puff for good”! Years of training and honing her body to withstand the great underwater pressure has finally brought Sandy Cheeks to the dance! Sandy can’t get over how foolish Ariel is for wanting to jump ship to dry land. Ariel can’t stand how stupid Sandy must be for willfully leaving her life on the surface behind. Sandy sees Ariel as bastardizing the wonders of surface world invention, whereas Ariel doesn’t see any of Sandy’s inventions being lost at sea for her to bring back to her grotto. Whose will to live life the way they want will be stronger? Reigning Shazampion, Patrick Star, claims he will be keeping a close eye on this monumental match up. Interpret that as you will! And lastly, I am afraid that it is my duty to inform you, the SpongeBrawl faithful, that Old Man Jenkins, beloved SpongeBob background character of 24 years, has sadly passed away from injuries he suffered during that devastating backstage assault at “Back For The Attack”. We here at SpongeBrawl offer the remaining Old Men Jenkinses and everyone currently housed in Shady Shoals Retirement Home our condolences and support during this difficult time. A memorial show dedicated to the memory of Old Man Jenkins, the beloved SpongeBob background character of 24 years, shall take place on Sunday, May 28th. We hope you join us as we celebrate the life and times of a SpongeBob character who was taken away from us far too soon…
  4. It’s nice they haven’t forgotten about mah boi, Craig.
  5. Happy belated 10th anniversary to the debut of the genesis of the book of the storybook career of Curtis Axel! May the 2015 Royal Rumble continue to live on with your presence
  6. Fast X, a nice step up from the stank of F9.
  7. Episode 6: Miseria Cantare We open up to Manny’s instincts leading him to his family’s home before moving to Bikini Bottom, Arava Cove, a stretch of open ocean where sharks could live in relative peace away from the hustle and bustle of the more modern and civilized communities. These Shark colonies operate by their own sets of rules, free from any outside authority or government that are becoming increasingly commonplace among those lower on the food chain. To his surprise, Arava Cove was seemingly abandoned. Grottos appear ransacked or caved in entirely, trails of blood line the sand. The blood didn’t appear to be from any fresh kill, either. Something happened here, and Manny wanted to get to the bottom of it. Manny catches a whiff of a very familiar smell in the cove’s water. The lemon sharks that reside here usually don’t go around picking fights when any threat bigger than themselves enters the territory, and the sheer number of the lemons almost always dissuades potential threats from making any hostile movements. Manny theorizes to himself that what happened to him and his family must’ve also happened here, though this attack was on a much larger scale. An entire colony of sharks, seemingly wiped away like nothing. Manny had no room in his heart to spare on mourning this place. The reasons for his departure from the cove are still fresh in his memory. He heads off in the direction of that familiar smell, hoping to get some more intel from it. Manny’s investigation leads him to a small school of remora hiding out in the remains of the Arava chief’s grotto. The startled remoras initially mistake Manny as another intruder, but are relieved to see that at least one of the sharks managed to escape the bloodshed. Manny informs them that isn’t with the settlement, and hasn’t been for a long while now. While the remora are surprised to see him, he’s just perplexed to see them in the settlement at all. Lemon sharks don’t typically view remora as fondly as other sharks of their ilk tend to do. To lemons, remora are no more than pests and more likely to be killed and devoured rather than bonded with. One of the remora introduces themselves as Remy and informs Manny that the denizens of Arava Cove had to adapt more than ever in order to survive in recent times. The cove’s numbers had dwindled since Manny probably last stepped foot in it. Between the number of departures and the rising number of hunters in the area, the lemon shark population is in pretty dire straits. Manny is intrigued to know that more sharks apparently left in the wake of his own departure. See this as his chance to gather any information he can get, he questions the remora about what exactly took place here. Remy recalls how a few weeks back, the cove’s Chief and his hunting party returned home from a feeding frenzy alongside a potential new mate. The Chief’s previous mate had been hunted down while pregnant with his pups. He brought the new arrival back to the cove in order to have something of a fresh start. The chief’s personal remora voiced their concern the loudest, sensing something was amiss with this female shark after other remora reported strange behavior being displayed while bonded with her, but the chief’s decision was final. When the time came to consummate the mating season, the hunters took it as an opportunity to lay siege to the cove. The Chief was killed in his own grotto and more bloodshed quickly followed. Some were tortured and mutilated on the spot, others were battered and netted up to the surface. Some remoras chose to stay with their hosts til the bloody end, others had no choice but to flee. When it was all said and done, this school of remoras were all that was left of the settlement. Manny admonishes the chief for following his emotions instead of his instincts, but Remy replies that replenishing the lemon shark numbers was what his instincts told him. The remoras have come to know the stench of battle all too well in the immediate aftermath. They could sense the very same stench radiating off of Manny. Because of this, they question him on the circumstances surrounding his mysterious return. Manny refuses to divulge anything, feeling his situation to be eerily similar to what had happened. His own decisions had led him to ruin, much like how things turned out for the lemon chief. Suddenly, Manny picked back up on a similar scent coming from beyond the cove’s borders. The stench of death is still fresh on this particular source, so Manny immediately heads out to further investigate, leaving the remoras behind. His search takes him to the outskirts of the nearby reef city, Bandeau, which happens to lie in nurse shark territory. Here, fish of all creeds enjoy off-roading in the sand dunes. A shiver of nurse sharks operates a clinic in the event of any medical emergencies in the dunes. However, unbeknownst to the general public, the clinic also serves as a front for nurse sharks to feed indiscriminately. Inside, a trio of nurse sharks are currently feeding on a couple of children whose parents brought them in to treat some bad scrapes from a dirt bike mishap. When the nurse sharks conclude their lunch they instruct a fourth nurse to inform the parents that they can see their kids now. As the fourth nurse goes to do that, another injured fish stumbles into the clinic, blood pouring from a very open wound. The parents are startled at the sight as Manny enters the clinic right behind them. He attacks the two, gobbling as much of them up and leaving behind slight remnants of blood and some scraps.. The commotion draws the attention of the other three nurses, who storm out in a hurry. They’re pissed to see a lemon shark intrude on “their turf”, but Manny tells them that he isn’t here to incite a turf war. He’s only here for answers, and he thinks the fourth nurse shark can provide him with that. The other three nurse sharks charge at him in defense of their colleague, but Manny throws the injured fish’s body at them to break up their formation. Manny implores them to partake in their last meal. The three nurses oblige and tear the injured fish apart, devouring each respective section of his body. Manny brawls with the nurses all throughout their makeshift office, but the numbers game slowly gets to him. They ultimately back him into a corner of the waiting room, take chomps out of him as he tries blocking their advances. Suddenly, his right fin seems to take on a life of its own as it absolutely potatoes one of the nurse’s right on their nose before proceeding to gouge another nurse’s eye out. Manny then takes the opportunity to take a big bite out of the third’s body. With the three nurses reeling in pain, Manny takes a closer look at his arm to see that Remy had himself firmly placed underneath it without Manny even knowing. Manny angrily demands to know what it’s doing, to which Remy replies that he’s helping “save your skin”. Remy informs Manny that remoras are good for more than just reaping the leeching off of their hosts. They can help their hosts become stronger, more effective. Lemon sharks remained ignorantly blind to that fact for years until the Arava Chief finally saw the use in having them around. Now it’s for Manny to experience the same benefits. The three nurse sharks take note of this development and remove their nurse's scrubs to reveal their very own remoras attached to them. Upon seeing this, Remy remarks that this might’ve gotten tougher. The nurses start channeling on their mana, which also extends to their remoras. This further widens the gap between their power and Manny’s, who is still clueless as to how to control his own mana to such a degree. Remy comments that Manny “sure did a number domesticating himself”. Remy takes some time to sync his own mana with Manny’s. This process allows him a clearer look into Manny’s soul, while also giving Manny a clearer window into his. Remy is finally able to see all the atrocities that Manny has been through while Manny finds out that Remy himself was the Arava Chief’s personal remora. Manny is also able to see Remy’s final memory of the Arava Chief, who in his last act, imparted some of his mana into Remy and instructed him to find a suitable host and spread word of what had happened to them to other shark colonies. Manny snaps back to reality to find that he’s been putting up a much better fight against the nurses than he was previously. Remy informs him that that’s just “instincts really taking over”. Manny grabs one of the nurses and chows them down. And then doing the same to the other two in short order. The last nurse could scream in agony before being chugged through the serrated teeth and down Manny’s gullet. Manny could feel his mana growing exponentially from this latest victory. The nurse sharks’ remoras hastily retreat to the body of the fourth nurse, who applauds Manny for somehow surviving this long, but that it won’t be long before he ends up like all the others of his species. An electric current surges through the fourth nurse, pretty much tasering the remoras that have suckered themselves into her. Remy comments that that wasn’t mana she was using. This confirms Manny’s lingering suspicions that this “shark” isn’t what she passes herself off as. The “nurse” removes her own scrubs to reveal that her body is a cage-looking vessel with two hired Glove hands operating it. Manny angrily questions how nobody in Arava Cove had stronger suspicions of this thing, Remy replies that it was “really convincing” and that they all thought the two operators were just people “she devoured recently”. The mechanized menace commences its attack, snapping at Manny with its motorized chompers. Manny manages to break away and put distance between himself and it, but the mechanical vessel fires off a harpoon that pierces his stomach, and with the rope attached to it, it begins reeling Manny back towards its motormouth. Manny struggles to pull himself away, but one of the operators inside pulls out a gun and fires off pot shots, hitting Manny multiple times, in hopes that it weakens him even further. Remy tries his hardest to also pull back and keep Manny in place, but also gets overwhelmed by the strain. The other nurses’ remoras come to and realizes what’s going on. They quickly surround Manny and sucker themselves onto his body alongside Remy. Together, Remy and the other remoras go to work cleaning up Manny and letting their collective mana flow into his own. Their combined strength stops Manny from being drawn in closer to the mechanical man powered vessel, effectively putting them all at a stalemate until Manny snaps the rope that the harpoon is attached to with his teeth. Now freed, Manny’s aura bursts forth from his body, creating a bluish-green light show for all the fish participating in the sand dunes. Manny charges forth, letting his mana propel him faster, and snaps at the mechanical vessel’s cage-like body. The metal bars bend and break away, giving the operators little choice but to flee the vessel. Manny thrashes about tearing the vessel to shreds as the operators frantically swim away with their guns. Once they reach a safe enough distance, they turn around to aim and fire, but is already out of sight. One of them is suddenly impaled through the head by the very same harpoon they had used on Manny, who quickly maneuvers around the line of fire of the other operator, who misses each of his shots. Manny then finishes him off by also impaling him through the head with the very same harpoon. Manny then proceeds to devour them both like a shish kabob. The nurse shark remoras part ways with Manny, who lets them go scot free for providing him the much needed assist. The remoras promise to let the other nurse sharks in Bandeau know of what happened regarding the hunters’ spy vessel, but they can’t guarantee that the nurses won’t retaliate for Manny’s own part in the incident. Manny assures them that he’ll be ready to cross that bridge when he gets to it. On the way out of Bandeau, Manny and Remy share a heart to heart about their recent tragedies. How they both lost those they cared for in the blink of an eye. How they both had to emotionally detach themselves in order to survive for as long as they have. Manny’s journey to seek out retribution has been missing a pretty vital piece of the puzzle, but his shared experience in Bandeau might have finally gifted him with said piece. Remy offers up his services to Manny since the road ahead seems more perilous than ever. The hunters are also capable of evolving and adapting. It’s time to show them just who the original innovators of that shit are. Before they embark towards their final destination, Remy reminds Manny that there are “more vengeful souls just like them”. Manny is still uncomfortable about the concept of revenge and how it’s a complex emotion that’s beyond the shark species. Remy remarks that perhaps now marks a pivotal moment where sharks finally start evolving beyond their modern conventions. They head back to Arava Cove and recruit all the remaining remoras there who want to stand and fight back against their aggressors. Manny promises to provide them all protection for as long as he’s able, just as long they all work to make sure that he’s capable of fighting for as long as he’s able. Manny discards his prized red and yellow plaid pants that his wife had bought him, as well as his glasses. He no longer needs them to see the world so clearly. He places these items in his old grotto as a makeshift shrine to his family, his old life. The remora all surround him, converging onto Manny’s skin by sticking to him using their head suckers. Their mana all flow together in sync with Manny’s. Through this, Manny is able to experience the pain that they and their previous hosts had all gone through and vice versa. Manny could feel the power of the entire cove coursing through him as the remora all work to clean his wounds and mend his body. Once the bonding process was over, Manny felt good as new and better than ever. The remora became like a second skin, a sort of suit of armor that freely moved along to his own movements. Their mana flow creates a combined yellow color, embodying the entire populace of the cove’s former lemon residents. Manny knows just where to go, but he lets his instincts guide him anyway. He sets a mental course for the location of the final showdown; Glove World. However, he stops by the Bandeau sand dunes on the way there for a quick power snack. Picking apart the many powersports enthusiasts gathered there. Notes The first appearance of Remy, and the introduction of remoras species as a whole We get our first look at Manny’s original home, Arava Cove, which has been referenced and alluded to multiple times in previous episodes The first mention of Bandeau, an underwater city very similar to Bikini Bottom. The events of this episode take place right outside of Bandeau, the closest we get to it being the sand dunes located on the outskirts We are first introduced to nurse sharks, whose feral population operates primarily in and around Bandeau Whatever was left of the lemon shark population in Arava Cove is assumed to be completely wiped out The concept of mana gets further fleshed out in this episode. For sharks, mana is gained either through acts of violence or through sexual activity. Remoras are able to gain and utilize mana through their close working relationships with sharks. Through bonding and symbiosis, sharks and remoras are able to share their power and experiences with each other Trivia The episode’s title is a reference to “Miseria Cantare (The Beginning)” by AFI “Arava” is the Tahitian name for lemon sharks The character of Remy the Remora is a reference/slight homage to Remy from Ratatouille The name for the city “Bandeau” is based off of the bandeau garment used for bikini wear, much like Bikini Bottom Members of The Drasticals are seen among those in attendance for the Bandeau Powersports Competition at the very end of the episode Manny’s wardrobe is based on his depiction used for the Before picture seen in “MuscleBob BuffPants” One of the pictures in the nurse sharks’ office is of Nurse Leslie, a shark character from “Camp Lazlo” In real life, lemons are one of the very few species of sharks who have been observed acting aggressively to and even consuming remoras The mechanized shark-shaped submersible used by the Glove company is based off of the one used in Discovery’s “Mechashark” Shark Week documentary. The storyline revolving around the Mechashark’s infiltration of Arava Cove is also inspired in part by that documentary’s follow-up, “Mechashark: Love Down Under” The fully realized “final form” taken by Manny after fully bonding with the remoras is inspired by the Super Saiyan transformation from “Dragon Ball Z”. Minus the hair, of course
  8. Perch Perkins: This is ace reporter Perch Perkins, reporting LIVE from The Winner’s Circle because here at SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling, everyone's a winner! Win/loss records truly be damned. Case in point, my first guest here this evening is none other than The Bass Kicker, Bubble Bass! Bubble Bass, I think it’s fair to say that you put on a much better effort than most probably expected during your Absurd Proposition Match against, who I assume to now be your former tag team partner, Kevin C. Cucumber. You did somehow manage to work yourself up a surprising 7 falls during the duration of that fateful 15-minute time limit, but ultimately it still came up short to Kevin’s even more impressive 9. You intended for this match to be a return to form of sorts. A declaration that you, as the inaugural Nautical World of Wrestling Global Champion, wanted to back in the title hunt. Does tonight’s loss put a bit of a damper on those plans? Bubble Bass: I could stand here and say that “no, it absolutely will not”, but it seems I’ve been made to eat a lot of my words as of late. I’m sure everybody here knows that I am a man of refined taste, I don’t force myself to eat just anything. Perch Perkins: Yes, I’m sure that’s everyone’s first impressions. Bubble Bass: But I ate defeat 9 times tonight. Fucking 9! I managed to mount a comeback twice and I shit the bed both times! I came into this revival with all the confidence in the world following that last run I had in NWoW. But it seems that what I had in me then, is simply not here with me now. Perch Perkins: Nothing a few more stolen car keys can’t fix. Bubble Bass: Quite. But I think it’s time that I actually take a good, long look at the bass in the mirror and make some necessary changes. Perch Perkins: What…kinda changes…? Bubble Bass: BIG changes. Perch Perkins: Well, I think I speak for everybody when I say “get laid, you literal fucking neckbeard”. (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Please welcome my next guest, without a doubt the KING of absurd propositions! He’s Kevin C. Cucumber. Hi Kevin! Kevin: Hello, loser! Perch Perkins: Kevin, you just ran circles around a former Global Champion for 15 whole minutes. The folks at home have to know just what’s next for SpongeBrawl’s resident spotter? Kevin: Well I’ll tell the folks at home exactly what they wanna hear! After that show stealing performance tonight, I’m making it known right here, right now, that I call next dibs for the Shazampionship! Perch Perkins: Well if you’re calling dibs, who could possibly argue against that?! Kevin: Absolutely nobody. Nobody else on this roster put on a show here tonight like how I put on a show. The Cocaine Sea Bears showed up and did their thing, but they both lost to some wannabe tough guy with a dad bod and squirrel! A fucking squirrel of all things, literally the size of their fucking paws! That loser, SpongeBob, got pinned by a fucking anchovy and the Boys Who Cry will never measure up to me on the manhood scale. Nobody could follow that opening bout! The show was honestly all downhill from there! Which is why if Zeus and OMJ have enough brain cells left between the both of them, they will grant me my wish and put me next in line for the next big money main event! Everybody wants to say hi to Kevin, I am a godsend, a proven draw that can and will put tailfins in seats. Just give me the match so that SpongeBrawl can finally have a champion that everybody will be proud of! Thank you, get zapped, BYE! Perch Perkins: Well, you heard ‘em, folks. Get fucking zapped! (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Well, I’m unable to get a word from Link and Cal Kestis for obvious legal reasons, but here’s The Super Weenies. First and foremost, dunking on EA is like fucking child’s play at this point. Everyone and their grandmothers could dunk on EA if they wanted to, so don’t be too proud of yourself there Marvin, but Nintendo tho. They’re infamous, I think we’re all aware about the ninjas. I can’t even pretend to be unimpressed by it. It really is quite the accomplishment for you incels! Weenie Bot: Well Perch, judging from current events, I think it has become clear that machines are capable of doing everything. The video game industry is no different. I have reduced Nintendo to being a mere stepping stone in my rise to power. I’ve taken these two and made them into warriors because that was merely the task I was given heading into this little revival. If I can lead these nerds to such impossible heights, just imagine what I can be capable of doing to the entire world. Next month, the It’s All About Family shall take place and The Super Weenies are the odds on favorites to win it all and take home the gold. Perch Perkins: Well you all have your work cut out for you because your first opponents will be none other than the wild card team of Reg and Sandy. Weenie Bot: Irrelevant. Meat Sack 1 aka Wayne single handedly eliminated Sandy from the SpongeBrawl Rumble and Meat Sack 2 aka Marvin was the one who quite literally ran Larry the Lobster out of the company when he eliminated him in that very same match. Not to mention that our compatibility levels far exceed any that’s been so far displayed by Reg and Sandy. Their egos and bravado have doomed them to fail before the match can even start. And the other teams will be met with very similar results, I assure you. And with that, The Super Weenies are far and away the strongest familial unit in this tournament, therefore the winners have already been decided. And with that, I believe this interview has concluded. Thank you, Mr. Perkins. Realistic Fish Head has nothing on you. Perch Perkins: Well I, for one, welcome our new machine overlords! (camera cut) Cameras catch the Cocaine Sea Bears escaping their confinements and escaping into the city. Perch Perkins: Well that’s sure as shit a “This just in” moment if I ever saw one. (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m currently awkwardly standing between an unstoppable force and an immovable object! Fucking help me! Sandy: Give me my rematch, you overgrown crawdad without a shell! Reg: I already clapped your cheeks one time. I climbed that mountain. It’s over. Done. Sandy: Sounds like you’re on some Weenie shit right now, I reckon! Reg: Not some Weenie shit. Just some nothing left to prove to you shit! So just go home and cry to your pa. There ain’t gonna be no rematch! Sandy: You looked like a bloated pasty bitch out there against your white powder sugar bear! I had mine beat in half the time as yours! Reg: And for that, you earned your flowers. Congratulations, you’re tough enough for the Salty Spitoon! But you’re still not SO tough. Sandy: And what’s that supposed to mean?! Reg: That I STILL CLAPPED YOUR SANDY CHEEKS! THAT’S WHAT! Perch Perkins: Gentlemen please, there’ll be plenty of time to keep building your sexual tension when this interview is over! But right now, I think you two have much more pressing issues on your hands. Sandy & Reg: Like what?! Perch Perkins: You both didn’t know? You’ve been thrown together to compete in the It’s All About Family Tournament where the winners will be crowned our first ever tag team champions. Reg: Says who?! Perch Perkins: Says the Wrestle Lord, himself! Sandy: That’s a load of cow manure! Reg: More like a load of bull shit if you ask me! Sandy: I’m glad we can agree on that much! Reg: You wanna kick the ass of everybody in this tournament as a way of showing our displeasure about this predicament?! Sandy: You don’t have to fucking ask me twice! Reg: Then let’s bang! Perch Perkins: Neptune help us all. (camera cut) Cameras catch Zeus the Wrestle Lord dressing down his biggest acquisition, Scooter the Surfer. Zeus: I bent over backwards for you! I gave you my seal of approval, my personal endorsement! And you go out there and waste all of it! Scooter: Duude, I- Zeus: Your performance out there was “dood” alright, fuckin’ DOODY! The Jumbo Shrimp is a goddamn jabroni! Who loses to the Jumbo Shrimp! Seriously, I’m asking for a friend?! Did I really have to hand feed you just The Shrimp to get some decent ass results?! I gave you an opportunity to give me my mom’s money’s worth and you fuckin’ failed me! You burnout, you fuckin’ beach rat! I could fire you, but that would be too damn easy. You’re gonna be doing the job for as long as your BIG MONEY CONTRACT allows! Go do something useful and catch some waves you complete, utter failure! That’s all you seem to be good for! Fuckin’ one note ass character! Scooter: Duuuude… Zeus: If you scored a victory for each time you’ve said “dude”, that would just be fuckin’ great now wouldn’t it! Scooter slinks away somberly. Zeus stomps into his office. Zeus: It would seem that my search is not yet over. Perch Perkins: *whispers* Looks like there’s some trouble in Scooter’s Paradise. The camera simply shakes in disapproval. Perch Perkins: No? Ok… (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here ON LOCATION with The Shrimps themselves! Jumbo, needless to say, it appears you threw a sizable monkey wrench in the aspirations of the Wrestle Lord here tonight! Jumbo Shrimp: As a super villain, it’s usually my plans that are being foiled. It feels kinda nice to do the foiling for once. Perch Perkins: could this new little arrangement you and Shrimp have here lead to a possibly more heroic run this time around? Shrimp: I sure hope it- Jumbo Shrimp: FUCK NO! Shrimp: W-What? Jumbo Shrimp: Don’t get it twisted, I’m only doing this as a favor to this girl I have on the side. You see, Shrimp is her brother. *whispers* He's kind of an embarrassment. True story. Perch Perkins: You’re doing Neptune’s work, Jumbo Shrimp! Jumbo Shrimp: NO I FUCKING AM NOT! Do I need to rip that toupee off to prove a fuckin point here! Perch Perkins: No, sir! That won’t be necessary. And this isn’t a toupee so that would be impossible, even with your amazing strength! Shrimp: Don’t I get a say here- Jumbo Shrimp: Get lost, Shrimp! I know you’re gonna bring up the fact that we’re gonna be in the tag title tourney so let’s just get to it. Perch Perkins: Ok. Any thoughts on your chances, I guess? Jumbo Shrimp: Usually our chances would be fuckin 0 because this sorry sack of crap sucks that damn much. I mean, look at him! No definition to speak of! He needs to be allowed in as many restaurants as he can because he needs whatever he can get to add some weight to that pinprick frame! But him teaming up with me automatically raises our chance up to 50%, and when you add each of the 24 inch pythons to the mix, our chances drastic go up to 75 and one-fourths chance! And when you take into account every other teams’ low chances of winning and adding that up, the other teams have a combined 24 and three-fourths chance of winning! Which means that their remaining 74 and one-fourths chance of losing gets added to our 75 and one-fourths chance of winning, bring The Shrimps to a grand total of 149.02% chance of us winning! And the numbers, Perch, don't lie! Perch Perkins: I mean, it all adds up, folks. (camera cut) Joey: ¡Adios, maestro! Johnny: You lived a good life! Jesse: Paradise awaits! Perch Perkins: Scooter’s Paradise? Boys Who Cry: What?? Perch Perkins: Nevermind, I suck. What’s going on here, boys? Joey: We were just saying our final farewells to El Pampano! Perch Perkins: Oh, so that actually worked out then? No strings attached? Johnny: We escorted him to the gates of heaven, ourselves! Jesse: Yeah, Saint Peter’s a pretty chill dude once you get past the formalities! Perch Perkins: So it’s onward and upward from here then? Joey: You know it! Perch Perkins: Tag Team Championship City, huh?! Boys Who Cry: It’s all about the tag team championships, girl! On your 16th birthday! Perch Perkins: That’s the spirit! So Jesse, why did you try interfering in Joey’s match earlier? Jesse: Perch, I don’t think that really matters. I mean, we won, right! Perch Perkins: I’m just saying, it was an odd play. Why go for such an odd play? None of the ghouls tried running interference in each other’s matches, nor did Johnny with any of you. I’m sure you had your very specific reasons. Did you think that Joey might’ve needed the extra help to win? Jesse: I think you might need a little extra help if you don’t cook it with the third degree. Joey: Now that you mention it, Perch, that all was kind of weird. Why did you do that, Jesse? Jesse: No particular reason. I just wanted to- Joey: Did you really think I was gonna lose? Jesse: I mean, you kinda did. Joey: Because you being there kinda took me off guard. Jesse: I only gave you a huge opening that you kinda blew. Joey: So you were trying to make sure that I win! Jesse: Look, it’s over. We won in the end. Let’s just drop it, for Pampano’s sake. Joey: Don’t use maestro to try and deflect this, Jess! Perch Perkins: Do you think Joey is the weak link of the trio, Jesse? Johnny: What’s with these questions right now, man?! Perch Perkins: I’m a reporter, it’s what I do. Johnny: True that, true that. Joey: Answer him, Jess. Do you really think I’m the weakest link? Perch Perkins: The folks at home want to know, Jesse. Is this why Joey isn’t competing in the It’s All About Family Tournament while you and Johnny are? Jesse: What do you think, Perch, you jackoff?! Perch Perkins: This isn’t about me right now. This is about you and how you view a certain member of your band. Johnny: He’s a reporter, man, it’s what he do! Jesse: Johnny, don’t encourage him! Joey: No, please encourage him, Johnny. Maybe that way, we’ll get some real answers! Jesse: Look, you were about to lose, all right. I did what I had to do for our team, for Pampano. We didn’t really need a losing start. I didn’t want The Dutchman one-on-one anymore than you wanted Poltergeist! Joey: And yet you still ended up rising to the occasion when I didn’t. Jesse: You blew a pretty big window of opportunity out there tonight! What more do you want me to say, man? Joey: Don’t worry, that’s plenty enough. Joey storms off, feeling embarrassed and dejected. Johnny: That’s that good, honest reporting that we love. Thanks for bringing us that exclusive here first, Perch! Perch Perkins: It’s what I do! Jesse: Turn the camera off. Now! (camera cut) Cameras catch The Ghouls Fools arguing in the arena’s boiler room. Lord Poltergeist: How?! How could you lose to the same boy band member TWICE!?!? Flying Dutchman: I gravely underestimated him. I won’t let that happen again. Lord Poltergeist: There’s underestimating and then there’s just plain sucking chode! Flying Dutchman: You call THAT sucking chode?! Lord Poltergeist: I’d call it something worse if I could come up with something worse! I carried the weight this entire time! They tried to get the jump on me with the dishonorable numbers game, but I still went and delivered them that first L! I knew we shouldn’t have put so much stock into that Pampano. He probably threw the match on purpose! Flying Dutchman: If he did, his soul would’ve burnt to a crisp on the spot! Lord Poltergeist: If we had somebody from MY crew in his place, that abomination of a match wouldn’t’ve had to happen! We could’ve gotten a clean sweep! Flying Dutchman: Someone from that piss poor skeleton crew of yours?! Don’t make me laugh! Lord Poltergeist: It’s more than can be said about the sorry excuse that is YOUR crew! Nothing but a bunch of department store workers! A boy really would’ve been the logical next step to recruit! You could’ve had them shill your newest fragrance; The Sweet Smell of Fucking Up Majorly! Flying Dutchman: Who leaked you that?! That release was supposed to be too secret! Lord Poltergeist: Look at us! We’re supposed to be good and scary! Now we’re getting our ghostly asses handed to us by yesteryear’s top selling artists! This charade ends now! Lord Poltergeist uses his ghost powers to bring the cameraman forward to them. Perch Perkins: eep! Flying Dutchman: What be the meaning of this?! Lord Poltergeist: Sending a message! Poltergeist uses his powers to snap the cameraman’s neck on the spot, twisting his head a complete 180. Lord Poltergeist: Let’s see somebody make a “oh, the cameraman always survives” joke after that! From here on out, EVERYBODY DIES! The cameraman’s ghost leaves his body and picks the camera back up. Perch Perkins: Good, I thought I had to film the rest of this myself. You’re dedicated to your work, I can respect that! Flying Dutchman: Arr! Who else be spyin’ on The Flying Dutchman?! Perch Perkins: Let’s get the fuck outta here! (camera cuts) Perch Perkins: The seeds of dissent that you requested to have planted has been sowed, my sugar daddy! Squilliam: Excellent work, peasant! Perhaps now, Squidward actually has a chance of carrying his part of the team. He couldn’t even carry himself to victory against that unsightly starfish! Here’s your payment. And I threw a little extra in there, so you can go buy yourself a woman for the night and give that hand of yours a rest. Perch Perkins: That’s very considerate of you, Mr. Fancyson! Squilliam: If I’m being forced into pretty much gifting Squiddy with gold by winning this little tourney, I may as well keep spreading the wealth. Continue helping those far less fortunate than I! Quick question. Perch Perkins: Yes, my sugar daddy? Squilliam: Is that camaeraman fucking dead? Perch Perkins: Yez, my sugar daddy. Squilliam: Like, dead-dead? Perch Perkins: As limp as Squidward’s nose dick. Squilliam: What the fuck did you to him, Perch? Make him choke on your dick?! Perch Perkins: Oh, if only! Squilliam: Right, because doing so would require one in the first place. (camera cut) Cameras catch the moment Old Man Jenkins gets jumped backstage. Perch Perkins: Oh dear Neptune! Old Man Jenkins is being assaulted! Somebody needs to get out here and stop this quick! (two minutes later) Perch Perkins: I don’t think anybody’s coming. Quick, you go get in there! Cameraman’s Ghost: What the hell am I supposed to do?! I’m already dead! Perch Perkins: You’re holding a solid object, aren’t you? Can’t you just, I don’t know, Patrick Swayze this shit?! (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, “The Incomparable” Squidward! Squidward: Alright Perch, let’s get it all out now! Squidward sucked eggs! Perch Perkins: Squidward Sucks Eggs! Squidward Sucks Eggs! Okay, I think that’s a wrap! Squidward: Wait, wha- (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you The Star of the Show! He is the reigning, defending, UNDISPUTED Shazampion, Patrick Star! Patrick: It’s funny, I don’t really feel like “the star of the show” if I still get second billing even as Shazampion. Perch Perkins: I don’t quite follow- Patrick: My championship unification match was second to last on the show. Perch Perkins: Second only to SpongeBob! Patrick: But champions should always be the featured attraction, therefore they should get top billing at the top of the card. Perch Perkins: But at least you’re still the Shazampion! SpongeBob currently can’t say that he’s even so much as held a single title once. And that, I think, is where the real value and difference lies. Patrick: So he’s a bigger star than me even without having ever won a title? Perch Perkins: Look, you’re really making this harder for yourself than it needs to be. Patrick: You were coming in hot with the third degree earlier. Why can’t I? I mean, I’m Shazampion right. Are you saying that you get handed opportunities to do stuff that even the Shazampion doesn’t? Perch Perkins: I’m just a reporter, sir. Patrick: And I’m the goddamn Shazampion. Perch Perkins: That, you most certainly are! Patrick: It’s starting to not feel like it. Perch Perkins: Can I just get some hype going for your next potential title defense already? Patrick: Well hype away! I mean, it’s only gonna be second-to-last on the card! Perch Perkins: Well, earlier tonight Kevin C. Cucumber called dibs on the next title opportunity, and I think he pleads a pretty strong case after the match he had tonight. Patrick: Tell him it’s granted. Perch Perkins: You want the match? Patrick: Why not? Maybe then, people will have to start taking me more seriously around here. But don’t let me eat up all your time, Perch. I’m sure you have more important people to speak with. Perch Perkins: Well, now that you mentioned it (camera cut) Anchovy 1: Meep. Anchovy 2: Meep. Anchovy 3: Mep. Anchovy 4: Mm-meep. Perch Perkins: Really fucking illuminating, guys. (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, you know em, you love em, you can’t get enough of em! They’re The Biggest Losers on the Beach! SpongeBob: Hey Perch! Perch Perkins: Well hey Perch, indeed! SpongeBob, this is the first time the four of you have reunited in about 24 years! How did you finally get this reunion to happen?! SpongeBob: Well Perch, it was initially a long and arduous recruitment process. When I was holding open auditions, the main thing I was looking for was perseverance! You know, with the people looking for the chance to break through, I tried sanding them, burying them and burning them! But then I realized that I had all those positive qualities by my side before I threw these guys out of my life! A couple ring-a-dings later, we all got back together and put on a real show just like old times! Perch Perkins: Dexter Blubbuns, I just have to ask, were those YOUR buns that you were throwing out into the crowd earlier. Dexter: They sure were. If I have to live with sand in my buns, then everybody else should too! Perch Perkins: And Evelyn Sunburst, I see spray tanning was not the way to go heading into tonight’s match! Evelyn: The possible skin cancer will be worth it in the end, I think! Perch Perkins: I think so too! Oh and you! Perch immediately forgets Frank is even there. Perch: So what’s next for you losers now that The Anchovies are firmly in the rear view mirror? The two of you aren’t entered into the tag team tourney. It seems that only SpongeBob is. Dexter: We’re just here to bring awareness to losers everywhere. Evelyn: Yeah, we’re here and we’re people too! Frank: You said it, gu- SpongeBob: We wanna become something that the folks at home can really strive to be after watching this program! Not everybody can be champions, and that’s okay! But EVERYBODY can be the biggest loser on the beach! Perch Perkins: SpongeBob, speaking of champions, you have a shot at becoming one-half of SpongeBrawl’s first ever tag team champions at “Fast X Your Seatbelts”! But rather unfortunately, you have yourself a partner that you might not fully see eye to eye with. SpongeBob: Larry the Snail, I know. Perch Perkins: How do you think that affects your chances heading into this? SpongeBob: Well, I sure as hell wanna win some gold for the first time in my wrestling career. And I know Larry wants the same for himself just as much. I know he’s had some outrageous things to say last month. And he and I will both cross that bridge in due time, but if he’s willing to put aside his pride and all that extra bullshit for this one night, I think we’ll have as good a chance as anybody! We’re contractually obligated to be like family now, and I’m willing to try and make it work. He just needs to put that same effort in too. F is for Friends that do stuff together, but F is also for family that gets things done! So let’s get this shit done. Perch Perkins: And there you have it, folks! Thank you all so much for joining me on this wild and crazy evening in this wacky world that we call professional wrestling! We hope you join us again next month! Just be sure to Fast X Your Seatbelts! This is Perch Perkins, signing off. (camera cuts) We get an interior shot of the Bikini Bottom Police Station. The office is busy as reports are being filed. A lone stranger steps into the building and approaches the front desk. Front Office Officer: Can I help you with something, sir? ???: Yeah, I’m here to pay Mrs. Poppy Puff a visit. Front Office Officer: And what’s your relationship with her? ???: I’m a close family friend. Front Office Officer: And your name? ???: The name’s Dennis. Front Office Officer: Dennis? Dennis…I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’re not on the- Dennis slits the Front Office Officer’s throat with a knife. The Secretary gargles on their own blood as they stumble back and fall to the ground, but not before Dennis manages to swipe their gun. The rest of the officers see this and engage the intruder. Shots ring out and slashes can be heard before Dennis enters the holding area, covered in blood. He personally kills every jailbird he sees, checking them thoroughly to make sure he gets his target. The final cell contains someone lying in bed. Dennis fires off a couple shots before breaking inside and stabbing the body repeatedly for good measure. He removes the blanket to find out that it’s simply just a potato in Puff’s place. Dennis investigates under the bed and see that Puff did the whole cliche digging her way out of jail thing and nobody in the station seemed to notice. A voice is heard coming from the potato through an installed microphone. Puff: I knew he’d sent you to do his dirty work for him. If he wants me, tell him he’s gonna have to come get me himself. Dennis: I’m afraid that isn’t an option for you, Poppy. Puff: Oh, and if you’re trying to reply back right now. This microphone only works one way…so stop talking to yourself! The potato puff explodes upon the completion of that supposed one-liner. But unfortunately, Dennis was already outside, clear of the blast by the time Puff finished her dialogue Dennis: *startled* What the hell was that?!
  9. I’ve been sitting on this for a couple weeks now. It’s Sunday, the traditional day for most major wrestling events. I’m coming off the heels of the Community Deathmatch Anniversary. Let’s just bookend the weekend nicely. Here’s “Back For The Attack!” five days early Following their loss to The Krusty Krushers at last month’s “LEVELED UP!” event, Kevin has placed the blame for the loss squarely on Bubble Bass. Bubble Bass tried justifying his inaction during the tag team bout as him simply “saving up energy for the SpongeBrawl Rumble”, but Kevin hardly bought that excuse. The Pickles seemingly imploded at the “LEVELED UP” media scrum, when Kevin decided to hash things out by offering The Bass Kicker an absurd proposition; the 2 of them, 1 ring, 15 minutes on the clock. The competitor who records the most pin falls or submissions before the time runs out is the winner! The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom has finally come out! And one of SpongeBrawl’s resident nerds isn’t too happy about it! After leaking some pertinent Tears of the Kingdom information through his job at the local game store, Wayne of The Super Weenies found himself unceremoniously fired from his dream job. His store and wrestling manager, The Weenie Hut Weeniebot, has worked up another miracle by getting his client a match against a representative of Nintendo themselves! Who will Nintendo send out to defend their honor? And will The Weeniebot’s influence continue to lead his team to victory? Not content with just helping one of his clients on this momentous evening, The Weenie Hut Weeniebot has worked another client into another huge match-up! Feeling the sting of unforgivable PC issues since the official launch of Star Wars Jedi: Survivor, The Super Weenie’s Marvin has a shot at getting some payback by forcefully taking his money back from the one who swindled it from him in the first place. Will Marvin use the brute force to take back his stolen money, or will the dark side that is EA simply overwhelm him?! This is it, folks! The official SpongeBrawl debut of Cocaine Sea Bear! Will the nose candy spell victory for the apex predator, or will it be a fairy tale ending for its unfortunate opponent? Stream “Cocaine Sea Bear” now, only on Peacock! Not content with not being “Back For The Attack” following her crushing loss to Reg at “LEVELED UP!”, Sandy Cheeks enters the fray and demands to wrestle a Cocaine Sea Bear for herself! Fortunately for her, OMJ and Zeus the Wrestle Lord had some cocaine left to spare and another Sea Bear saved for a rainy day! Following the departure of Larry the Lobster at last month’s “LEVELED UP” media scrum, Zeus the Wrestle Lord has been scrambling to find the next hot commodity that can fill Larry’s sizable beach shorts. Now, Zeus believes his search is over! He’s found his next superstar, and he looks to start the new signee’s wrestling career off strong by having him compete against Larry’s final opponent, The Dreaded Jumbo Shrimp! Following The Flying Dutchman’s continued refusal to release El Pampano from his death grip, The Boys Who Cry had no choice but to accept the ghost pirate’s latest challenge. The Boys Who Cry must now run the gauntlet in hopes of freeing the soul of their wrestling teacher. The first match of tonight’s series will see Joey try to exact some measure of revenge on Lord Poltergeist, who mercilessly attacked him at ringside during last month’s tag match at “LEVELED UP”! The second gauntlet match sees Johnny having to put everything he learned to good use against the ghost of the very man who taught him everything in the first place! This is it. This is for all the marbles! Jesse managed to secure the victory over The Dutchman during their previous tag team match, but will he be able to pull through in the clutch again when The Dutchman finally has him one-on-one?! Everything is at stake! If the Boys win, they all get to go home free! If the Ghouls claim this victory, they’ll all be forced into The Flying Dutchman’s ghostly ghost crew for all eternity! Old Man Jenkins was simply backstage visiting from the Shady Shoals Retirement Home, but a delightful visit with friends has turned into a completely savage, unprovoked assault by an unknown assailant! A painful message seems to be getting sent here, but to who?! Following the conclusion of last month’s “LEVELED UP”, Squidward took issue to Patrick holding a championship yet, especially when Mr. Tentacles has all the talent AND was the last reigning Global Champion in the old Nautical World of Wrestling, a title that he even beat Patrick for eight years ago! The stage is set for these two forces to collide once again. Squidward will put his long dormant NWoW Global Title up against Patrick’s Shazampionship in a Winner Take All Match! Who will reign as SpongeBrawl’s Undisputed Shazampion?! Larry the Snail secretly arranged for The Anchovies to make their surprise debut at the “LEVELED UP!” media scrum by attacking SpongeBob in celebration of Help Wanted’s anniversary! Deadly in numbers, The Anchovies look to continue making their mark on the underwater wrestling world, and all at SpongeBob’s expense. With Patrick and Squidward fiercely feuding over the undisputed title, Mr. Krabs being too busy to return his calls for help, Sandy sulking over her loss, Larry gone from the company, Pearl back home with her kid, Gary gone missing and Mrs. Puff still in police custody, SpongeBob is forced to find three new partners to aid him in his war against the swarm. Just WHO will step up to join him on the front lines?! And that’s a wrap on “Back For The Attack! featuring Cocaine Sea Bear”! There probably won’t be a full-length scrum like the last time, as fun as that was to write. I just don’t think I can top it atm. WWE 2K22 doesn’t have the Universe Mode feature where you can make your scenes and shit apparently, but I’ll find a way to move the storylines along. The next SpongeBrawl event will be “Fast X Your Seatbelts!” and it will see SpongeBrawl crown a pair of new tag team champions by hosting the first ever Friends & Family Tournament! Here’s how the bracket currently looks for that Hopefully that screenshot looks better than it does on mobile. I’ve already got the entire tourney in the can, just gotta fill the gaps in with some writing here and there. After the last month or so of focusing entirely on both this and the Deathmatch Anniversary, I need a break for a bit. So “Fast X Your Seatbelts!” will be posted on June 16th. It might even include a kinda in bad taste appearance by The Fast Saga’s very own Brian O’Conner! Or not depending on how the movie turns out. See ya then
  10. Last night, the Mainest Admin was decided, a storm came to pass, our Featured Employee defended his crown and a redemption arc finally came full circle! What could possibly be left for us here on Night 2? Find out tonight, on Community Deathmatch! Our first match of the evening gives us our first ever encounter between two of the Community’s finest content creators. For years, they’ve captivated members around the world with their well thought opinions on a variety of topics. Every single list they’ve made has all been canonically building up to this. Tonight, we’ll see who truly ranks above the other. Who will ascend the charts? Who will take the #1 spot? Who will be crowned SBC’s undisputed King of Lists!? Last night, terminoob turned jjs’ dream match into a nightmare, earning himself the right to be called Mainest Admin. Before termi could think about returning home with his prize, a new challenger appears hoping to succeed where jjs couldn’t. After years spent on the sidelines. After years of being beaten to death with the cameo shtick. JCM arrives in full to solve the riddle that is terminoob and to cement his legacy as a manager for this community. Will The Snark Knight rise to the occasion, or will he just be another noob that’s been termi’d? A break-in had occurred at the abandoned Deathmatch Arena in the years since the initial Deathmatch finale back in 2020. The only thing of value that was reported stolen was the old, retired Best Member championship belt. It remained missing ever since, until now. Resurfacing for the first time since 2019 (in DM years), Deathmatch’s very own answer to Paul Heyman, Tropical Nards appeared to OMJ with the belt in hand. Nards confesses that his newest client committed the deed to prove once and for all that he is “pound-for-pound SBC’s Bestest Member ever”. But with Deathmatch returning for one more run, Nards wished to issue an ultimatum on his client’s behalf; “Let’s finally give this belt a proper home. I’ll send out my top dog if you send out yours!” With Deathmatch’s tacked-on legacy at stake, OMJ scrambled to find a member worthy of such a (dis)honor. But unbeknownst to his oblivious ass, he might’ve just booked a Deathmatch that’s been a long time coming! Official Deathmatch correspondent with the dead, CF, uses the blood of an elastic dog to perform an ambiguous ritual that brings both jjs and OMJ back to life. Jjs questions her motives, to which CF replies that she’s “simply following orders”. OMJ reveals that he arranged for this to happen in the event that either of them didn’t survive Night 1. With the final Deathmatch upon us, OMJ thought it only made sense that it finally came down to them. The match multiple people were calling for back in 2013. Jjs points out that the two of them having just lost to termi and Hawkbit back-to-back kind of diminishes the value, but OMJ tells jjs that the stakes couldn’t be higher. OMJ proposes that if he loses, Community Deathmatch will forever remain a memory, no matter the occasion. Future anniversaries be damned. Jjs argues that they should be calling the final Deathmatch together but OMJ assures jjs that they’ll just call it as they go “just like all the greats”. Community Deathmatch needs to go out strong or not at all. Neither man wants the other to hold back. The result is ultimately for fate and WWE 2K22 to decide.
  11. Jjs: 8 whole death matches spread out across two action-packed nights! It’s the beginning of the end, beautiful friends. We hope you join us as we say one our final goodbyes. Starting tonight, on Deathmatch Forever! Up first, is a deathmatch that Jjs had suggested that I do for years. After the clunker of a Deathmatch that I forced him into during the original series finale, The Greatest Deathmatch Ever, I’m gonna do right by him this time and finally give jjs what he wants! And that’s not all! To level up this dream match even higher, the winner shall be crowned SBC’s first-ever Mainest Admin! Our second featured Deathmatch of the evening rekindles the flames of an old rivalry from almost 10 years ago, which single-handedly got an entire discussion thread locked down that heated summer in 2013! Both of these competitors were previously featured on the show before, but never together, oddly enough. One of them never even competed in an actual Deathmatch, that is UNTIL NOW! The ghosts of Wrestling threads past has come back home to roost. Who will finally be the one to SUCK DICK? Our semi-main event for the evening features a competitor who recently celebrated an accomplishment and another who believes that such a reward shouldn’t be bestowed upon somebody who so clearly hate the very thing that this community is built on. For the first and last time ever, the title of Featured Employee will be put on the line! These risen stakes only begs the question… And for our main event here on Night 1 of Deathmatch Forever, we will finally see a years-long storyline to its proper conclusion. It is a storyline that encapsulated the entirety of Community Deathmatch Season 3 and pretty much had the show in a stranglehold. Battle lines were drawn and threats were thrown around as work turned into shoot and the entire community was sucked in to defend Deathmatch from forces that sought to shut it down forever. About half a decade or so has passed since the events of that neverending story arc, and from its ashes, a redemption story began to unfold before our very eyes. As the redeemer started to flourish, Deathmatch’s run began to wither and die. As the dark prince opened himself up to newfound allies, the king of death isolated himself on his island of irrelevancy. Accepted by all but one, the redeemer seeks to atone for past sins by daring to step foot on that island and re-entering the devil’s playground, the very place that gave him so much grief, in order to finish his story. But as Community Deathmatch can attest to, not all stories have a happy ending. come back tomorrow for the butt-pounding conclusion of Community Deathmatch!
  12. Guardians of Galaxy Vol. 3, and I’m happy to report that this officially makes Guardians my favorite trilogy of the entire MCU. It’s not without its flaws, but it definitely has Quantumania beat as far as Phase 5 goes and it probably has most everything in Phase 4 beat at least imo, even Wakanda Forever. The sheer power of just having good, endearing characters and all their development crescendo’ing to this point, combined with a really despicable villain (who, dare I say, was better than how Kang was handled) really made this movie for me. I felt rewarded for having been invested in these characters’ stories over the course of 9 whole years. It’s always a real solid in my book when a movie can pull that off as well as this one did. I really hope James Gunn can translate that same magic over to the DCU.
  13. He wouldn’t be the namesake for my ask thread all these years if he wasn’t
  14. UMD seems easy enough to remember and type in for a week.
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