There's a peculiar thing about me. I love Christmas. I love music. I hate Christmas music.
I think this is odd, but I suppose it would be like if you combined chocolate and pizza. Two things that are wonderful on their own, you combine the two, it gets a lil out of hand. You either end up with chocolate pizzas, or you end up with a Dominos slathered in Nesquik syrup. Not a pretty picture. Songs like Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" and Chuck Berry's "Run Run Rudolph". Those are the chocolate pizzas of Christmas music. Most everything else is akin to that second example. Where was my point? Oh yeah! I hate Christmas music. So join me as, based on brief rants I've had on Discord about xmas music, I get progressively tipsier off of blackberry cider and just rip into some really shitty Christmas songs. No particular order, no rhyme or reason. Consider this a dual Christmas/Festivus celebration as I air my grievances on Christmas music. Did anyone ask for this? I dunno. I may have just taken a suggestion and ran with it. But let's go!
"Santa Baby/Buddy/Pally/Poppy" - Michael Bublay
Michael Bubbly is one of the most reprehensible Christmas icons this side of Scrappy-Doo, if he ever appeared in a Christmas special. If he didn't pretend he did so my metaphor makes sense. ANYWAY, Michael Bubble has covered just about every Christmas song on the planet, to spread love and joy and cheer and all that crap. What we are missing from the equation is that Michael Bubsy is fucking terrible. Always has been, even outside of Christmas music. He wants to be this big epic crooner like sinatra back in the day, but he has such a goddamn annoying voice, and worse yet, he is Canadian. It was never gonna happen.
So that brings us to this song, a staunch reminder of his projected masculinity if ever there was one. For you see, Michael Budlight has caught himself in a predicament. One so sticky that there aren't many ways to get out of it. Why, what shall he do? He has to cover every Christmas song, that's true, but if he covers a Christmas song that suggests he wants Santa to be his sugar daddy, well, that's just fucking GAY. It's Adam and Eve, not Michael Boob GAY. What is he gonna do?
He's gonna alter the lyrics so that it's VERY VERY CLEAR that he and Santa claus are JUST FRIENDS and he is VEREY MUCH NOT HOMOSEXUAL. Would a HOMO SAPIEN want a STEEL BLUE car rather than a LIGHT BLUE one? I think not! And if you think otherwise, well, that sounds like projection! And of course he's not Santa's sugar baby! They are JUST FRIENDS. For example., he calls Santa not "Santa Baby", but rather "Pally,", or "Buddy", or... "Poppy"... Santa... "Poppy". Hmm.
The problem here is that, in my version of the English language, "Poppy" pretty well translates to "Daddy". So essentially, Michael Benghazi has called Santa his sugar daddy, which is a thousand times gayer than if he just went with the original lines in the first place. Between this and the left-in references to "hurrying down the chimney" and "trimming the christmas tree", it... wait a second. Michael? Michael, are you... actually trying to tell us something? As you pull up in your Steel Blue convertible next to your trimmed Christmas tree with Mercedes Benz decorations? Like, it's a Christmas ornament, but it's a hood ornament! do you get it? Because he doesn't want jewelry! That is a lady gift. Michael Brawny is ALL MAN.
Look, Michael, if you want to come out, just release a Buddy It's Cold Outside with Josh Groban and call it a season. speaking of...
"Baby It's Cold Outside" - FUCKING ANYONE
This song is a headache inside and outside of the discourse. So many people want this song to be banned. and on the other side, so many want to stand up for this song as a women's empowerment anthem in disgusie, back when women were to be more proper and not sleep with strange men who they met under snowy circumstances. There needs not be any discourse anymore, because the fact remains that the song just fucking sucks.
Like, it sucks! It's not romantic to hear a man overly persuading a woman to stay and a woman acting coy because maaaaaybe she wants to leave but maaaaybe she wants to stay so tee-hee. And i'm not saying two sides of a story aren't important here, but the song scans so much nicer when the consent is implied and the song is called "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow". That's a kickass Christmas song, and accomplishes everything "Baby, It's Cold Outside" does without being rapey and terrible. I don't care about the fucking discourse. You have to know that singing a song where a lady asks what the fuck is in her drink while the man tries to coerce her to stay the night is going to come out the wrong way. THIS SONG NEEDS TO FUCKING RETIRE IT'S THE FUCKING DUMBO CROWS OF CHRISTMAS MUSIC
"Siiiiimply Haaaaving A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME" - (Well I was until) Paul McCartney (shat all over it with this thing)
This song is worse than the fucking Chipmunks Christmas song. Because at least with the Chipmunks, you can conclude that they're vermin and will likely get shot by some hillbilly later. But man, this is Paul McCartney. What the fuck happened, man? How do you go from being in a great band to a mediocre one to... you know what never mind I type it and now it actually sounds like a logical regression in musical clout, carry on
No Christmas song should start out with what sounds like a laser piercing your ears, much less continue with it the whole way through. This is the Christmas song equivalent of findign coal in your stocking. You just know it's not going to be a happy Christmas when this comes on. It's such a dumb and banal track, and most Christmas music is, but at least there's some winter flavour to it. LOOK AT THESE FUCKING LYRICS
The moon is right The spirits up We're here tonight And that's enough
Simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime Simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime
The party's on The feelin's here That only comes This time of year
Simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime Simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime
The choir of children sing their song
Ding dong, ding dong Ding dong, ding, ooh, ooh
We're simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime Simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime
The word is out About the town So lift a glass Ahh, don't look down
Simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime
The choir of children sing their song They practiced all year long
Ding dong, ding dong Ding dong, ding dong Ding dong, ding dong Ding dong, ding, ooh, ooh
THIS SONG SAYS FUCKING NOTHING IT'S LIJE HE WROTE THIS ABOUT A COOL CEREAL BOX HE SAW. CHRISTMAS DESERVES BETTER
fuck holy shit what other things did the beatles do to ruin xmas
"Happy XMAS (Did U Guys Know War Is Bad)" - John "Oi I Beat My Wife" Lemon and the Plastic Ono Experience
"My Scope of Knowledge About Africa is from Riding Kiilimanjaro Safaris Once" - HOLY SHIT THE ACTUALLY CALLED THEMSELVES BAND AID
Because Really, what we all need this holiday season is Bono telling us how shitty we are for wanting that U2 album off our itunes accounts to live prosperously while african children FUCKING DIE in a land WITH NO SNOW
this song is the reason a group of brits is called a Smugness scientifically, but it's still better than any version of We Are the World, including the Canadian version which of course sucks. Speaking of Bryan Adams
Were having a reggae christmas, proclaimed the canadian white boy
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
this is so fucking aggressively unfunny and hokey. This is like if one of that stupid puppet comedian guy's puppets wrote song. like that purple fucker
Yeah, imagine he wrote a christmas song. It would be Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. Jeff Dunham, that's his name. Fuck you Jeff Dunham. Where am I
"cold" - Maroon 5
this isn't even a christmas song but Maroon 5 sucks
The Twelve Days of Christmas
why the fuck
in a "genre" already overpopulated with repetitive garbage
would you make a song
that repeats the same shit TWELVE TIMES
fuck you fuck everything
"The Little Drummer Boy" - Bob Seger
I hate every version of this song because it's so dumb and pointless and "Maaaaaary Noooooodddddeeeed" is the worst filler lyric in history but I'm specifically linking the bob seger version for being the very worst of 80s bob seger, trying to insert that chevy truck commercial SOUL into a track about a crappy drum played for baby jesus
"Oi to the World" - No Doubt
I love No Doubt, but this is why you don't let ska bands write their own Christmas songs
actually I take it back I like this one fine ok I'm done