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CyanideFishbone's Achievements
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Hey! I know I've said I've taken a step back from SBC and I still intend to keep that going, but I have started a media/music blog if anyone wants to check it out/follow it at https://icecreamvoid.blogspot.com/2022/03/. I don't know how active I'll be especially considering I've only got about a month left this semester, but I'm planning on starting to go through the Billboard Hot 100 quite like Wumbo and Clappy did.
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Hey guys, Cyanide/Ryan here. It's been a while, but I've officially decided my decision to split from SBC (actually I have for a long while, but I'm only really now sitting down to write this after a month of will I/won't I).
My activity has been on a pretty consistent downward fall since high school, and a lot of that is because of mental health issues, but the main thing that's because of is school and real life. I shouldn't say I don't have the time because I 100% do and have way too much on my hands but I've been trying to find other outlets to spend my time so I don't get bored but that's a whole other can of worms right there. But still, I'm at a point in my life where I'm prioritizing school above almost everything else (while still luckily having time for my hobbies) because I don't wanna stay at university any longer than I have to as I'm already a semester or two behind as it is. Not that I think that me becoming more active on this site would diminish homework time, I really don't, but I have my other reasons beyond just wanting to mostly focus on school.
If I put my blood, sweat and tears into it, I genuinely don't think I could ever become interested in Spongebob again, especially considering how into it I was when I joined. The truth is 2013 Cyanide and 2021 Cyanide are night and day, two absolutely completely different people. Unfortunately, the reality is that the strong undying love I once felt for Spongebob has just moved onto other things. Wanting to re-evaluate my own worst list (sorry for not finishing that) really put things into perspective for me; I couldn't be bothered to go through with my list when I announced it, and even when I started not really just because I'm just not interested in Spongebob at all anymore in all honesty. Will I still revisit Seasons 1-4? Oh yeah absolutely. But it's not gonna be a consistent thing, it's usually a couple times a year thing if at all. I find me going back to Spongebob mostly as a source of nostalgia to be honest, but I do have gags that still kill me as an adult and what not.
I just don't feel like I belong here at all anymore. I still have my friends here obviously, and none of you guys are actively excluding me or anyone. I guess my point is is just that I'm such a completely different person than I was when I first joined, and how I was throughout my presence on this site. I don't wanna mince words and sorry for the tonal shift but late 2018-2020 was without a doubt the worst period of my entire life up to this point, which is coincidentally when my activity started to decline. During this period in my life, I was forced to accept some hard truths about myself, and acknowledge that as my adulthood emerges, I have to grow too. In high school, while Spongebob became less and less relevant to my personal life as I moved on, graduating and being in college definitely helped me move on more and more. Do I think I outgrew SB? Yes and no. I'm still able to enjoy older episodes and by the amount of Spongebob memes and clothing I see around people my age sure as hell haven't outgrown it. But on the other hand, I feel like I have to be in a very specific mood for a gag-centric show like Spongebob. There are so many other shows I would watch over it if I'm looking for a quick solid laugh and that list honestly just grows and grows the more and more TV I watch. In a round about way of saying it, it's something I'll come back to now and again for nostalgia and to hear some classic jokes again, but besides that, I just don't really get a whole lot out of it nowadays. I guess it's also worth mentioning that I usually kinda get burnt out on things despite me liking them if they're everywhere; and obviously Spongebob falls under this. A really great example is Hunter x Hunter, which I love but ever since this weird blow up of it it's kinda reached a point where I need a little break from seeing it everywhere. I also kinda have an antipathy for memes that just refuse to die and I find like 99.9% of Spongebob memes fall under that category, but that's no fault of the show at all.
I know it's a really silly thing to say because I'm only not even 20 and a half and I'm really not young at all considering some of the ages of some of my site's fellow members, but I really feel my age gap. Not gonna lie but watching some of the younger members' pure undying enthusiasm about Spongebob has been awesome and I wish I could have that back but I shouldn't force it and I have to recognize that it'll probably never come back again. It's not like I'm losing anything again as that same love has moved onto things like One Piece for me, but I guess I just feel like I'm older and I guess more moved on than the age group comprising this site's primary age base. I just feel so far removed from this site's target group and I just need to move on, especially as someone who constantly feels like they don't belong with 99.9% of kids their age. None of this is anyone's fault. The vast majority of users on this site have been some of the nicest and most understanding people I've had the pleasure of meeting online, even during my darkest days when I was an angry, pretentious ass who was just blindly angry at everyone and everything because I was an angry 14 year old boy who didn't know how to deal with emotional trauma, and unfortunately blindly forced his emotional traumas on popular music and people just because they were beloved.
Pardon my language but since I joined back when I was 11, I've had to face some pretty f****d up stuff in my personal life. I've been fairly open about it, and I'm not wanting to get into anything because I just don't want to talk about it. But while I was planning to depart for a while, last month a drinking incident really put into perspective how bad my substance abuse had gotten, mainly in regards to drinking. Last summer it became common for me to lose about 3 hours every day after drinking vomiting/suppressing the urge to vomit just because I drank so much. I want to go back to drinking but I need to watch myself, as is these things. What comes with drinking and smoking is responsibility, so I'm not drinking for a little while to kinda get my mojo back. But what happened (which really was just me almost having a panic attack after drinking too much jungle juice) really put it into perspective and now since my leaving of the Discord server I've just been working a lot on myself. Breaking dumb and pointless habits and routines Aspergers had me forcing myself to do, and joining a yet-to-start group therapy group at my college to maybe drill it into my head one final time that I'm really not that alone, and that my experiences, thoughts and feelings shouldn't be shamed or aren't weird. My drinking accident was actually the original catalyst for me wanting to make this post, which was about a month ago now, but I just never really got around to it. Idk man. In the last couple years I've learned that I really need to move on from a lot of things in my past, and I think this is one of those things. Not gonna lie but it does make me personally feel better just kinda putting my foot down one final time and being like "I'm officially out" because in all honesty, I've been pretty much inactive since high school. Every time I've tried to rebound and become active again it's just always failed and I just don't have any interest in this site really at all anymore so I just think it's time for me to officially move on. As well as as I grow up, my real life responsibilities, commitments, etc grow, and while I don't have a lot of time on my hands right now soon enough things are going to be looking a lot different come internships and all that fun jazz.
I'm sorry if this whole thing doesn't make a whole lot of sense, or I meander constantly throughout points, sometimes it can't be easy to put thoughts to words. But this is really how I've felt about being on this site for the greater part of 2 or so years, so I think it's finally time for me to move on. I've been inactive for a long time, but I think it's finally time for me to move on. I've also done a lot of shutting myself off from the world around me, and throughout 2021 I've been working on not being like that, and during this period it's probably not best for me to be on a forum when I have things I need to focus on in real life. I know I've also said it before but if I ever treated you like garbage 2014-2017 I am so sorry, 14 year old me could not handle emotional trauma, which doesn't excuse it at all but that's why it was the way it was.
If you wish to stay in contact with me, by all means hit me up! I usually don't have a lot of people I'm talking to anyway. I shouldn't be responding DMs on here but I am active on Discord @icecreamstar#6264.
And with that, I'm taking my leave from SBC. Thanks for a terrific 8 years at this point, but I've just got to move on.
With a heavy heart and thanks for many great years,
-Cyanide/Ryan
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It's been a long time since an update, so I guess there's no time like the present to give one.
I don't wanna jinx myself but I think 2021 might finally be the year I turn things around. I have therapy every week and I'm finally really starting to feel the positive effects of it- I'm no longer quite as lonely, angry, and my moods have been a lot better. But more than that, I'm finally starting to actually break out of my shell. I'm still pretty anxious in new social situations, but nowhere as bad as it was even a year ago when it gave me borderline anxiety attack levels of anxiety.
The thing I realized is I was fine approaching people as a kid, before middle and high school, which IDK if I've opened up about it much on here, but both absolutely wrecked my self-esteem, which in turn wrecked my social skills. I blamed it on Aspergers for so long which is part of it but the fear of rejection is what it really was. I was so scared to share my interests IRL for so long and it's no longer like that because I know realize I'm no longer around judgmental and fake people who treated me like dead weight. Those people still exist at my school, sure- but I'm not associated with any of them. I'm also a college radio DJ now, so I've joined an on campus community where I feel supported and respected for the first time in years.
Part of me honestly doesn't know what to say. Not even a year ago, even last semester, if I had a way to off myself without hurting myself or my loved ones, I would've done it without thinking twice. Emerging adulthood and depression can suck, y'all. But it's better now. Me and my roommate are getting our own place next semester, and really, the meat of it is I'm breaking out of my shell for what truly feels like the first time. Far gone are the ham-fisted middle school days of trying to talk to girls and failing. I just want to thank everyone, be it IRL or here, for longing with me. It's been a rough transition from edgy "I hate everything" 2015 me on here to a more mature, adult me now. I've got a long way to go but I can do it. I'm worth it, and I can make it. I'm not perfect but no one is. I've got a lot of growing to do but everyone does, and I've been working on said process right now. I really don't want to jinx myself but I think things are finally turning around.
I want everyone struggling who is reading this to know I stand by you and that stuff does get better. It's said ad nauseam at this point that it's kinda lost a lot of it's meaning, but god darn it, it's something I believe in. I don't want to dictate what is mentally healthy/therapeutic for everyone but therapy is really making a massively positive impact in my life. I also got my vaccine yesterday which is pretty cool, and I've been working out recently and I'm starting to lose a bit of weight and am starting to feel a bit better about my body. I'm tired of letting people push me around, and I'm ready to stand up for myself if said stuff happens. I have my bad days, but things are noticeably better than they were even 4 months ago. I'm still not super super active but that's mostly as I'm juggling college. I just wanted to say that I've been doing a lot better, and I hope you guys are doing well, and if you're not, I want you to know I have your back and that stuff does get a lot better.
-Ryan
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I'm halfway done with the second season of Close Enough since it came out yesterday and I can't emphasize how much of a treat this show is. I don't wanna get depressing but watching Regular Show all the time is one of the few happy memories I have from my preteen years and it's a pretty great feeling watching Regular Show as a kid and now watching this as an adult (even though I'm only 19 and ofc not facing stuff like marriage or raising a child). A spiritual successor without censors is just what this needed to be and I think it really delivers.