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CyanideFishbone

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CyanideFishbone last won the day on November 14

CyanideFishbone had the most liked content!

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1130 Chocolate Bar Salesmen

About CyanideFishbone

  • Rank
    It's 4 AM and I can't think of anything funny or amusing
  • Birthday 04/17/2001

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Pronoun
    He
  • Interests
    Anime, Video Games, Cartoons, and music. That's really it. Not saying anime aren't cartoons, because anime are cartoons. Can't stand the people who don't think that.
  • Location
    Your basement
  • Favorite Episode
    unknown
  • Favorite Character
    unknown

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  1. It's been a long time coming, and I've went back and forth on whether or not I want to do so, but I think I finally feel ready and safe to say that I'm gonna take a backseat from SBC. Things won't really be changing much since I've been fairly inactive since summer of 2018, and I'll still be on from time to time (I actually check the site fairly regularly, I just feel like I never post at all), and I'll be on the Discord still. Also if any of y'all wanna follow me on some of my more private social media (like Instagram or Snapchat) I'm totally cool with that; just DM me if you're interested (I'll still be checking the site like at least once a week), because I just don't feel particularly comfortable publicly giving out social media like that. 

     

    As much as I love the pre movie episodes my interest in modern Spongebob and it's future is pretty much nonexistent and while things are gonna get grim, I gotta be honest. Since I wanna say around September/October 2018, my mental health has taken a pretty bad decline. A lot of it deals especially with dealing with some things going on in my family in regards to my sister's mental health (which she has made a big improvement in, and also something I've been upfront about making me depressed), my school life, and coming to terms with a lot of stuff in regards to growing up and just adolescence in general. Never really realized how much genuine trauma I have from middle school, which were the worst years of my life, until like over a year ago.

     

    A lot of this reached a head during the lockdown. Actually... literally right before lockdown (December 2019-February 2020) I was doing the best I had done in years, possibly ever. I actually felt confident in myself, was talking to people despite my crippling social anxiety.... and it all kinda went straight to shit slightly before lockdown hit. Not a lot of people know this, but I had a very unfortunate run in with university cops in mid-February, where I was threatened to be kicked out of university and maybe arrested under possession of drug paraphernalia. Not saying where I go to uni to protect my privacy because I don't wanna end up behind bars but I used to smoke weed really late at night on campus in the woods. Not a smart idea, please don't do it guys (not weed, just smoking it on campus). Anyway I also started buying CBD too when I ran out which I would also smoke, and I had a drawstring bag in my dorm (now at home) which basically had everything to let me smoke; two pipes, a grinder, lighter, rolling tray, a nug jug, and a thing of rolling paper. One night I was smoking when I saw a white van pass, carried on my business because I was doing CBD which is legal where I live, until they went back and started asking me, did the traditional questioning, did a pat down because in the eyes of American law enforcement doing any sort of thing resembling drugs automatically makes you a school shooter, and made me remove everything from my drawstring bag. 

    CW: sexual harassment (this paragraph, and next)

    These cops were serious dickheads. When asked about why I used CBD, I said to help anxiety (wasn't lying), and they basically went on to mock me using it, saying how there's "safer outlets"; really the only risk I'm running is to my lungs which is whatever, and it's legal and even if it wasn't, let me make my own decisions. Anyway, after the pat down, after everything was removed from my pockets, they wanted to check for weapons again, and the cop who was frisking me proceeded to... put his hand down the back of my jeans, and basically in other words.... tickle the upper part of my butt over my underwear. One of the cops sexually harassed me; it made me insanely uncomfortable, and this was POST patdown, everything was out of my pockets, the hoodie I was wearing was off and on the hood of their car. After that, they proceeded to make me smash all my pipes against a rock as they delightfully watched, and throw my rolling tray and grinder into a nearby river from a point where I wouldn't be able to reach it ever. It was a really cold night so they let me go as long as I got rid of most of my stuff; I still had my lighter, nug jug (which funnily enough was the only thing I had on me that had weed on the jug but they didn't give a shit because cops suck), and rolling paper- and had to buy everything else again. Didn't have to worry about the pipes because I invested in a bong right when lockdown hit (which was an insanely smart idea, probably the best purchase I've made all year), and bought another grinder this summer and only bought another rolling tray about two/three weeks ago. Anyway I basically went back to my dorm, waited for my roommate to come back, told a lot of my closest friends, and cried my fucking eyes out that night.

    A lot of what I'm feeling just reached a major head during lockdown, a culmination of what I've been feeling a lot of, which a lot of it is really private and I don't really feel comfortable talking to many people at all about. But to add insult to injury, and something I've told no one, I uncovered a pretty traumatic repressed memory from my childhood this summer, involving me being... coincidentally, sexually harassed by a group of teenage boys who would regularly torment me on vacation... I was never raped or molested but I'll just put it at that they basically cornered me on the neighborhood park and forced me to show them... I'll just say what's in my pants because they thought it would be funny. I was about six or seven when it happened, felt disgusting after it happened, and just repressed it for years. It really really took it's toll on me during August and September, and for most of the time at lockdown, I just avoided everyone and everything because I was depressed. Even my own parents who are sweet and supportive as fuck and I feel awful because of it. I was super angsty, grumpy, and just not fun at all to be around. My mental health started to get a bit better after moving back to uni mid-August and getting a bit more independence but I was a shitty friend and son for like all of summer who just really wouldn't want to talk to anyone at all. I feel insanely shitty about it, but I've been getting more social again (albeit I've been way less social then I've normally been for a while now because of depression) and my parents are cool with me, and told me how they loved having me during quarantine before I went back to uni, which was a silver lining because maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought I was. I was mainly just super reclusive and just really quiet around my parents, but I guess I'm usually a pretty quiet guy.

    Anyway a lot of this reached a head in mid-October where I just kind of broke down one day, started experiencing pretty bad bouts of anhedonia, frustration, anger, and what not and that's when I finally put my foot down and decided to seek help because of how tired I am of living like this. And I'm seeing a therapist in December for the first time. And with Biden winning, I'm hoping (but not counting on it) corona will get a little better in the US, things are finally starting to seem bright again. Really admitting I had a problem made me feel so much better, and knowing that I was gonna get help. And even if it doesn't work (which I really don't think it won't work) at least I tried. The future is starting to look somewhat bright for me, thank god. I've contemplated making a more detailed post/video about what's been going on but I feel satisfied with this because a lot of what I'm feeling is pretty private. But I guess the short of it is my social anxiety (I have Asperger's) is insanely bad. Besides like cashiers and people I have to talk to like that I freeze up pretty much whenever I talk to anyone my age, who I feel like I don't relate to most of which at all, but it's especially bad with girls, jesus christ. I freeze up so goddamn bad. And I've asked out a ton of girls in the past and I'm having a harder time talking to girls as I'm getting older which is all sorts of bizarre. And a big reason I'm sad, and I know how stupid and incelish this sounds, is because I'm 19 (20 in April) and I've never kissed a girl, never had a girlfriend, and never want past that. I just feel so left out, and alienated from everyone and I have for pretty much all of high school despite having some friends (some of which I'm admittedly having problems with, but a good share I'm still tight with and are good people). I'm just sick of this shit, and I've been feeling it for goddamn years now. And it needs to change. Because I don't like myself at all and I hate it. Because I know I'm worth it, and I know people love me and think I'm a good guy.

    Two last things; another big reason for my absence and my further absence has just been school. As I've said, I'm at uni and juggling a regular sized class load, and other interests have taken up way more of my free time than going on here- just the way it is, unfortunately. So that's why I've been way more absent especially since starting my freshman year. But I've still made time to come on here, but that's why I haven't been posting a lot; I'm mostly on here to check up with y'all, but I guess that could also do with the fact that I just haven't been very social at all recently.

    Last thing is I'm sorry for how I treated a lot of people here back in 2014-2015. Middle school me was the worst. I was dealing with the aftermath of some pretty awful shit in seventh grade that led to me trying to take my life (I'm here now, and I'm gonna get better now ofc) and I just became an edgy, obnoxious, pretentious little shit because of it and I criticized a lot of music insanely unfairly and was just a fucking asshole to a lot of people... because I was honestly an asshole in real life and I just didn't know any better. I've already done so before, but I especially want to apologize to @Clappy, who honestly got the worst of it in retrospect. A lot of my criticisms, especially regarding Paramore (have actually enjoyed their music for 3 or so years now at this point), were insanely biased and I was just hating on things that were popular and loved because I was a pretentious little shit. I'm so sorry, guys. Unfortunately some of the most active years I've had on here were the years where I just acted the worst. I don't wanna just apologize to Clappy, but everyone who was involved in my awful music criticism and overall douchery. So sorry. I've grown up a lot since those years (and especially in the last two years I've grown up a lot) and I'm far from a perfect person, but goddamn it, I'm trying.

    And that's really that. I fluctuated between making this post a ton and whether I should take a backseat, but I'm gonna to focus on both my mental health and school. Thanks to everyone who's been a great friend, and thanks to everyone who put up with me when I was at my worst. But I need to focus on the real world for a while. Maybe I'll be back soon and I'll feel able to do so, and I hope so. But recently I just haven't been active and besides my occasional visit, I'm just gonna take a backseat. Obviously, if any of y'all wanna stay in contact with me, I'm all arms. I'll still be on Discord and if you wanna know me better personally, feel free to DM me for any of my more personal social media (and you can DM me on Discord too)

    Until then, sayonara, 再见 (actually been learning Chinese since first semester freshman year), adios, what have ya. I'll be back, but I got a lot I need to focus on now.

    Sincerely,

    -Ryan (CyanideFishbone)

  2. 100% this lmao. Feels like it's been forever.
  3. I don't like Neon Genesis Evangelion. I don't hate it, but I would never put it up with other cult classic 90's anime like Cowboy Bebop. I really, really wanted to like it, and watched the entire series and the OVA and just could not get the appeal at all. There are things I do love about it; the art, the EVAs themselves, a lot of the concepts, and a good chunk of the fight scenes, but I think the whole show falls apart when it comes to the plot and its characters. I get it was the 90's, but the characters in Evangelion at least to me are so unmemorable, one note, and I could not get myself to care about a single one. Shinji is downright fucking excruciating to watch at certain points with how whiny he gets, and is definitely one of my least favorite protagonists I have ever seen in anything I've ever watched. I get that he's going through shit and what not but it does not make for an interesting, enjoyable character to watch for me because if he's gonna be like that, there has to be another side of his character that juxtaposes to it and makes up for it, but there's really... not. Rei isn't super interesting, but she's fine by me; nothing too notable, but nothing too bad. I get it was the 90's and the trope wasn't as overdone as it is now, but Asuka is literally the most boring, textbook tsundere ever (again I'm honestly a little biased because I also hate the tsundere trope with some exceptions). And most of the other characters for me were so forgettable, one-dimensional and uninteresting that I don't even feel like noting them. I could not care about any of these characters if I tried. And it's a show where they're all depressed as shit and to enjoy the plot I gotta sympathize with them and I can't. So it's kind of dead on arrival for me there. However, despite me disliking the characters, I do think the plot of the show is fairly solid for about the first half, before it gets so up it's own ass pretentious, impossible to follow, cluttered, and of course that infamous terrible ending. I think the only part of the second half of Evangelion I like is representing Shinji's weird fantasy or whatever the fuck with crayon, which I get they mainly did that because they used most of their budget at that point, was a really cool idea. I just feel like the series goes off the rails during the second half and a lot of people interpret a lot of its story flaws as post-modernism and what not when in my opinion, a lot of it is just poorly told storytelling trying way too hard to be complex and poignant. But I guess I'm missing something if it's so beloved. I really wanted to like it, and I sat through it all and End of Evangelion (although that one is a little fishy because my friend showed me it after I finished Evangelion and I was blasted off my ass when I first watched it and could not follow it to save my life because of that and barely even remember it), but I just don't get it at all. I find it's plot poorly constructed, confusing as all fuck, and pretentious as all hell in certain parts, and find the characters insanely boring. Also uhh, on one of the few things I remember from End of Evangelion, the "I'm so fucked up" scene is one of the most pointlessly fucking disgusting scenes I've ever watched. It doesn't further literally anything in the plot or Shinji or Asuka's character, it's just.... well, you know if you've seen it.
  4. I know it's weird, and kind of a taboo thing that I'm really not open about at all, but this year I've realized I have a really strange interest in vintage erotica/porn, really just the history of it all, especially in America from the turn of the 20th century and especially during the 60's-80's. It's really not because I'm particularly interested in the sexual subject matter (I honestly am to an extent), I think it's really because it's almost like a second, more underground film industry as juxtaposed to the very accessible main industry. It's something that was shunned for years, still has been shunned, and something almost everyone who consumed it did so in private. Now I think despite it being a very intimate thing, society has a big stick up it's ass about sex in media and the history of sexual media being demonized (still is to an extent) while those who made them persevered, knowing there's not inherently anything wrong with depicting sex in film (Minus stuff like Deep Throat where actors were raped on set, all of the films where actors were abused in one way and another were awful and should not be celebrated). It's especially interesting considering that a lot of porn in the 70's and 80's were feature length and pretty much had plots, a far cry from what you'd find on the internet nowadays and even if you were to buy porn DVDs, they're usually very short in terms of length. Not criticizing those at all, it's just a big difference. I'm a film major, and IDK, vintage porn and exploitation films are just fucking fascinating to me, because of how much they challenged the norms of filmmaking and what's considered normal in it and how, especially with the adult film industry, it's almost like an underground, second industry in a way, especially back in the day. Back then, you either stole your dad's Playboy stash, had to settle for the underwear section in the local department store magazine, or found the classic lone box of Playboys/other porn in the woods, or you went to the adult room in your local video store and ran the risk of social suicide, or if you knew where any adult stores were (back in the days where you couldn't just google where these things were), went there and again ran the risk of social suicide. I don't feel exactly comfortable sharing it, but I do wanna get it out there. I really do keep it to myself as sex is a very intimate thing and not one I'm comfortable being open about, but the history of the industry is goddamn fascinating to me. My interest admittedly kinda dies around the 90's, but whatever. I just think it really ties into my interest in things that are non-conventional, and again, my interest in film and it's history.
  5. Chicken is definitely my favorite. Idk if I'm eating it wrong but I think beef is fucking disgusting (with some exceptions, like me a good cheeseburger but that's mainly because of the combination of everything on it and the meat, but beef by itself/thick patties are gross to me). Don't mind pork at all though, but don't like turkey. Haven't had anything else on the list but am interested in trying them. Exotic meat is a fun rabbit hole to go down if y'all ever get bored.
  6. Rewatching Freaks and Geeks and how did I never realize how much of a massive simp Nick is

  7. In all honesty ~2 years since I've started smoking I've found nothing has helped me deal with living with Aspergers and social anxiety in general quite like marijuana has. I used to be really anxious and honestly really stubborn in general but after smoking it all just kinda.... went away. I still have anxiety and what not but all of that has pretty much been non-existent since smoking. Also with aspergers I had and still have absolutely abysmal social anxiety and pretty much 0 social confidence at all and I always feel a million times more confident while smoking, which gives me the drive to try to just be more confident in my everyday life. Also these last two years of mine have been kind of absolute fucking dogshit and marijuana especially during quarantine really made/makes it all so much more bearable. Both my parents found out too and are supportive/indifferent which is nice (both my parents are fairly liberal/I still make good grades in school so its really just something I do in my free time), they just don't want to smell it which I can totally get since it really isn't the most pleasant smell. I don't know if I'll still be smoking 10 years down the line but for right now, god it's really helping me deal with a lot of the shit I'm going through and my social anxiety. I don't need it to function, I spend most of my week sober, but it really does help. Also man that 50$ bong I bought literally right as quarantine broke has been a goddamn life saver.
  8. Agree 100%. Watched it today and it felt very spot on with a few minor issues. Cartman loving quarantine felt extremely in-character. I really haven't been a massive fan of the show since Season 18 with a few great episodes here and there but I really enjoyed the special, and if it's all we get for this year I'm perfectly okay with it.
  9. Both candidates suck ass but I live in North Carolina so I really really gotta vote and I'm just gonna vote for Biden. Far, far, far from perfect but a Biden presidency from what I can tell would be pretty much a return to Obama's policies, which weren't perfect but a million times more preferable than 4 more years of this chaos. I'm fucking terrified for November 3rd, please vote guys, especially if you live in a swing state. I will say though, on the flipside (and I don't wanna get ahead of myself), this year's senate map looks way more preferable to Democrats than both 2016 and 2018. Doug Jones is def gonna lose but Arizona and Colorado look like they're definitely gonna flip, and Iowa, my home state, and Maine since Susan Collins's approval ratings went from sky high to in the toilet since Kavanaugh look like somewhat likely flips. Georgia, South Carolina, Montana and surprisingly enough Kansas also look to be getting competitive, which if Kansas flips blue will be crazy, since they haven't elected a Democratic senator since the 30's which is insane to me.
  10. Really, really enjoyed reading this. I'm glad the show means that much to you and the feeling of something hitting so close to home to you, giving a "THIS is what I missed out on?" feel after getting into it is something that really hits close to home for me. I've got a pretty interesting history with MLP; when I first found out about it I kinda shrugged it off/thought it was weird until one day I decided to watch the first episode as it was linked on the MLP Know Your Meme (look, it was 2011 and I was 10) page back in August 2011 and I just kinda became super obsessed. I used to tune in for new episodes every Saturday and it just became a full blown obsession as adolescence and puberty was rearing its head for me. Also worth noting that I have Asperger's and it was really bad as a kid and throughout my entire life I've never felt like I belonged with others my age despite having friends (most of which weren't true friends in all honesty) here and there and while I was always in a normal class with other kids, I had a lot of accommodations in regards to my education and as I've gotten older I realized I was that autistic/weird kid during elementary and especially middle school. Regardless I was so into it that I started buying those 2011-era MLP shirts from Hot Topic and what not and wearing them to school in fifth grade and generally just started being super open about it. Kids during late elementary school and middle school are fucking monsters, man. For the latter half of fifth grade (2011-2012 school year) I basically became the grade's punching bag, especially with the boys in my grade; it got so bad that my teacher found out and talked me about being bullied and all that and mentioned that his like 3 year old daughter also liked the show which in all honesty just made me feel even worse. But yeah, I never really gave up on liking it. I even had the toys for a while, and for a long while it was pretty much 80% what I talked about. I never shied away from liking it even in middle school, which if I thought the bullying was bad in fifth grade, I hadn't seen anything yet; instead of being the punching bag of the boys in my grade, I became the entire school's punching bag. Girls started making fun of me just as much. It was baaaad. 8th graders I never even knew were making rumors about me. I was legit infamous as "brony kid", was constantly called gay, homophobic slur starting with an f I don't want to say, etc. My interest still never waned and I'm thankful for the show providing me solace in the darkest times in my life, which back then in sixth grade, unbeknownst to me, was about to get even worse. My bullying reached an apex like a month into seventh grade; I had friends who turned out to not be friends (one of them was horribly verbally abusive/manipulative toward me actually) and had no friends upon entering seventh grade. Anyway because of course it did and just because it was something I never was/still am not 100% comfortable with (changing in front of others), the boy's locker room became a bullying hotspot for me. My middle school had the dumbest fucking policy where there were stalls in the boy's locker room but you weren't allowed to change in them for zero reason, so I always changed in the shower in the back away from everyone else. Anyway the bullying in the locker room got so fucking bad that my gym teacher arranged for me to change in the cafeteria bathrooms (which the cafeteria was right next to the gym) and basically some kids came in one day while I was changing, found out who I was, and tried to steal my backpack. This was the final straw for me and my mom, who had me transferred to another school, where I continued to be open about it, and people generally gave less of a shit; the problem was the transition was so hard and I just faced other non-MLP related bullying, and eventually things like depression caught up with me and my MLP phase really ended by the end of seventh grade; still liked the show, but was not expressive about it at all. I actually watched Season 5 and most of Season 6 as they came out and finished the end of Season 6 later and honestly haven't watched since. It's not a bad show at all, but I personally lost all interest as I've grown older and it's just not my thing anymore. I do want to rewatch some older episodes sometimes for nostalgia. Despite dwindling interest, it still does have somewhat of a soft spot in my heart for providing me solace during some of the darkest periods in my life, and I'm very, very grateful for that. It's crazy that I got into it almost 10 years ago at this point, and the show in general is almost ten years old; fuck I'm feeling old (despite only being 19). I go back and forth on whether or not being bullied to hell and back for liking it changed my perspective on it; said bullying plays a large part in my demeanor nowadays unfortunately (keeping to myself during school, not really talking to anyone in class, having some degree of trust issues and I need to fix all this but that's another story for another time) but I remember never backing down in regards to liking it so I really don't think it's that. There's also some narrative problems I have with later seasons (sick of nearly every villain being redeemed, show feeling a bit tired) but that's whatever, because I do think I've just moved on but I do think the first couple seasons deserve a second look from me sometime, and I hope I can enjoy them as much as I did as a kid.
  11. Some days I feel so bad for Mila Kunis, imagine pretending to date Danny Masterson for 3 years and then having arguably your most famous role be Family Guy

    1. Old Man Jenkins

      Old Man Jenkins

      Real ones will recognize her from American Psycho 2 :troll:

    2. 4EverGreen

      4EverGreen

      Real fans will also recognize Mila Kunis from "Oz: The Great And Powerful".

    3. CyanideFishbone
  12. At least once every day I think about how the top advisors of the king of the black market and an insanely powerful false king in One Piece are literally just mucus hunchback, stone golem, and Steven Tyler

  13. Just gonna put this out there: for a year or so I've been juggling the idea of making a video (just an unlisted Youtube video of myself talking) about where I've been; because at this point, explaining everything that's been going on since my decline in activity has been going on too long that I just can't make a post explaining it all.

     

    Also been contemplating all year creating a review blog where I review every episode of Regular Show for it's 10th anniversary, only problem is I've been pretty busy with school since I got back mid-August, but I think I can fit it in. I don't wanna sour the mood, but I've been having a really unexpectedly tough week emotionally after two/three weeks where I actually felt decent so expect that sometime soon.

  14. I'm a huge fan of Tawna's redesign and reimagining in the franchise as a whole. Really glad they're trying to make her an actual character instead of this uncomfortably hypersexualized love interest.
  15. The Offspring are the Aerosmith of punk rock. Their first 4/5 albums are absolute classics (S/T-Ixnay On The Hombre and S/T-Draw The Line respectively) but after that point both bands just got so obnoxiously cheesy. To be fair though, both have their fair share of diamonds in the rough after that point (more so the Offspring- Americana's got a couple good tracks and while super overrated IMO You're Gonna Go Far Kid is still a good song)

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