WhaleBlubber was one of the most infamous enemies to tv.com, and his name still haunts SBC despite only ever bothering us once. His whereabouts today remain one of the greatest unsolved mysteries in SBC lore. But what if… he stuck around and had successfully taken over SBC?
Episode 14: What If… WhaleBlubber Ruled SBC?
In July 2010, WhaleBlubber had successfully destroyed what remained of the Tv.com SpongeBob board with a spam raid and bribing several moderators to ban users. He decided to expand his ambitions to spamming SBC now, refusing to let the Tv.com refugees start anew. But then, as he began making an account to raid SBC, an idea hatched in his brain: Instead of getting banned for the lulz for the 100th time, what if he played the long game? He planned to gain the staff’s trust, act like a normal member, and take over the site from within. WhaleBlubber registered as “guymonty” a month later to let the heat die down first. He did not go in posting with his usual shark and faces spam schtick, instead actually trying to be a contributive member of the community. Unlike what happened in reality, “guymonty” did not trigger any red flags and quickly became a popular member. To fit in, he pretended to be a connoisseur in several subjects that he had no interest in such as Pokemon, Family Guy, Nostalgia Critic, and even SpongeBob. Whenever people would dunk on WhaleBlubber, “guymonty” begrudgingly joined in the dunking sessions, but he deeply hated how they belittled his ego. He would thankfully not have to put up with this for much longer.
Another month passes and “guymonty” has become a respected member. Since this was in the olden days where popular members became staff, you can guess what was on the staff’s mind. “Guymonty” was promoted to an admin, joining the panel of 70s, jjs, tvguy and Ex, and everyone gave him a roaring applause. By the time staff realized who “guymonty” truly was however, it was too late. WhaleBlubber had demoted and banned them all, taking control. They could not believe he successfully duped and outsmarted them. He renamed the site to “Shit Bros Community" and laid out his ten commandments that he would enforce with a blubbery fist:
1: No insulting the big man himself.
2: No discussion of any other religions or gods, for he is the only true god.
3: No dissing sharks, for they are the best aquatic creature.
4: No pseudo-intellectual essays.
5: No gays allowed.
6: No unfunny jokes. What's “funny” will be up to staff’s discretion.
7: No talking about any musician except Soulja Boy.
8: No talking about SpongeBob.
9: No jaywalking.
10: Anything else goes and have a good time.
The forum became an unfiltered wild west akin to 4chan. Several disgraced Tv.com trolls join including NightmareFan17, who attempts to win Blubber’s favor with much ass kissing. But Blubber finds him to be pathetic and banishes him from his kingdom. WhaleBlubber continues to party and cause chaos with his troll brethren. However, as the months go by, something strange happens: WhaleBlubber grows…bored. He had always loved being the daring internet outlaw, but now that he’s on the other end, it was not his preferred thrilling feeling. He was in an echo chamber where their trolling had no impact or bothered anyone, and that pissed him off. He also grew tired of dealing with what he perceived as stupid complaints because he truthfully had no idea how to run a forum. Suddenly, WhaleBlubber bitterly makes an announcement:
“There is no WhaleBlubber.”
His followers are confused and betrayed by this, wondering if this was another shitpost or if there was a hidden meaning to it. Meanwhile, several SBC users had been plotting in secret to take back their forum. They launch a spam raid and several disillusioned trolls join them. WhaleBlubber is too apathetic to fight back and prevents the rest of his staff from banning them. In the end, the resistance is able to liberate SBC from WhaleBlubber’s rule and sends him fleeing. His reign of tyranny had come to an end, yet part of him was secretly relieved it was over. WhaleBlubber was forced to giving up his dreams of being the ultimate internet troll and actually get his life. Rumors say he became a fisherman living in solitude and away from technology. Part of him always wants to give into his urge to return to trolling but did his best to move on. One day, as if by divine intervention, he accidentally fishes up a lost iPhone. He spends a few moments staring at it, wondering if he should give into the temptation. Ominously cut to black.