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Wednesday, March 22nd: 7:00pm EDT: [3rd] Kahoot: SpongeBob Games Whoever wins will receive 1,000 doubloons, 400 Cosmic Jelly and 300 experience points.

I'll use 500 Cosmic Jelly to get the Flying Pizza Collectible!

JCM Counsels a Hawk (JCM is in his office with a student.) Student: So, what am I supposed to do about my depression? JCM: Well, I was depressed for 30 seconds yesterday, so I would say I have extensive experience with it! Student: And? JCM: Just think happy thoughts and you’ll cheer up in no time! Student: I…don’t think that’s how it works. JCM: Who’s the therapist here? Student: You aren’t a therapist! You’re a fucking school counselor! I can’t believe I went to you with this! You’re worse than Seb! (The student runs out of the office, and HawkbitAlpha walks in moments later.) JCM: Hi there, Mr. Alpha! What’s troubling you? HawkbitAlpha: It’s my little brother, HawkbitZeta. He won’t talk to me, and he’s failing all his classes, including my math class. JCM: That’s terrible! HawkbitAlpha: And that’s not all. I found these in his backpack. (HawkbitAlpha reveals a pair of Groucho glasses from under his shirt.) JCM: Oh, my gosh! What are those? HawkbitAlpha: Remnants of a life I left behind. I’m going to send my brother here the next time he’s in class with me, so do you think you can get through to him? JCM: I know I can! HawkbitAlpha: Thanks. (HawkbitAlpha gives JCM the Groucho glasses.) HawkbitAlpha: Also, could you do me a favor and not tell HawkbitZeta I swiped these from him? JCM: Of course! Consider these protected by doctor-patient Miss-Congeniality! HawkbitAlpha: You mean confidentiality? JCM: So it’s not like the Sandra Bullock movie? HawkbitAlpha: No. JCM: Darn! Well, your secret’s safe with me, anyway! (Later that day, HawkbitZeta walks into JCM’s office.) JCM: Is there anything you want to talk to me about? HawkbitZeta: No. My stupid older brother sent me here! JCM: Why do you think he did that? HawkbitZeta: Because he’s an asshole who doesn’t know how to mind his own business! (JCM nods before slowly placing the Groucho glasses on his desk.) JCM: Do you know me what these are? HawkbitZeta: That…that was in my backpack! (HawkbitZeta opens his backpack and realizes the glasses are no longer in them.) HawkbitZeta: Were you going through my stuff? JCM: (nervously) No? HawkbitZeta: Then where the fuck did you get those glasses from? JCM: I’m sorry, but my shrink book says I’m only supposed to ask questions early on because it’s about you, you know? HawkbitZeta: You piece of shit! You think you can steal from me and get away with it? JCM: Calm down, please? (HawkbitZeta grabs the Groucho glasses and puts them on.) HawkbitZeta: If you thought my brother was a menace, you’re going to hate me! (HawkbitZeta runs out of the office and then runs into HawkbitAlpha’s classroom.) HawkbitAlpha: What’s going on? And why are you wearing those? HawkbitZeta: That guidance counselor you sent me to stole these from me! HawkbitAlpha: He…did? HawkbitZeta: So I need you to go to the principal with me so we can get him fired! HawkbitAlpha: I…I can’t do that. HawkbitZeta: Why not? It will be like the old days, with HawkbitAlpha, master of disguise, and his apprentice, HawkbitZeta! Just the two of us, making trouble together! HawkbitAlpha: That was never real. I was never a “master of disguise”. I was just a kid with a lot of issues. And I don’t want you to start getting those same issues, which is why I took those glasses out of your backpack. (HawkbitZeta begins to back away.) HawkbitZeta: It was you? HawkbitAlpha: Yes, but you need to understand… HawkbitZeta: No! Fuck you! I’m sick of this class, I’m sick of this school, I’m sick of everything! (HawkbitZeta runs out of the classroom, and HawkbitAlpha follows him.) HawkbitAlpha: Wait! (HawkbitZeta raises a middle finger as he runs out the school. JCM then comes out of his office.) JCM: Did we fix him? HawkbitAlpha: What do you think? JCM: I’ll guess…yes! HawkbitAlpha: You’re a fucking idiot, JCM. (HawkbitAlpha walks back into his classroom sadly.) JCM: Think happy thoughts, Mr. Alpha! (to himself) I wonder what happened to his brother. (HawkbitZeta is sitting outside the school and crying. He suddenly feels an ice-cold hand touch his shoulder.) Voice: So, you want to be a master of disguise? (HawkbitZeta looks up to find that Tucker Tuckerson is now standing beside him.) HawkbitZeta: I mean, I don’t not want that. Tucker: Then come with me into my candy van, and I’ll teach you how to turn into whatever you want! HawkbitZeta: I don’t know…I feel like I’ve been getting warned about people like you since kindergarten. Tucker: Listen…if you want some real power, follow me. Otherwise, stay right there, crying about shit the world does to you, instead of doing some shit to the world for once. (Tucker starts walking to a black van with “CANDY” spray painted in white on it that is parked on the side of the street. HawkbitZeta hesitates before following him.) Tucker: I knew you would come to your senses. HawkbitZeta: Do you have Kinder Bueno in that van? Tucker: It’s not an actual candy van. HawkbitZeta: Fuck! (The End)

You rode 80 miles, giving you 100 Cosmic Jelly! Try again in 16 hours!

You glided 100 miles, giving you 125 Cosmic Jelly! Try again in 16 hours!

You got 100 Cosmic Jelly! Try again in 16 hours!

They're really starting to learn how to get really expressive for Mr. Krabs' face! I hope the rest of the episode is just as good!

This D.J. Cat can summon pizza in the air, your argument is invalid.

He's excited to go Seahorse Riding!

If you think his LANDING is impressive, just wait until you see how WELL he blasts!

Tuesday, March 21st: 7:00pm EDT: [3rd] Weekly Surprise: Hangman Whoever wins will receive 1,000 doubloons, 400 Cosmic Jelly and 300 experience points. Edit: Congrats to Winter who won!

Not quite on the quality level of Five Guys, but it's damn close.

JCM Experiences the Stages of Grief (JCM walks into Shinya's Korean restaurant.) JCM: Take a look at SBC's new guidance counselor! Sauce Mama: Oh my God, JCM, I'm so happy for you! JCM: (eyes widen) Sauce? What are you doing here? Sauce Mama: I'm the newest waitress! Shinya offered me job once I told him I was back in town! (JCM starts babbling incoherently.) Sauce Mama: Aww, JCM, are you still in love with me? JCM: Where's Shinya? Sauce Mama: In the kitchen. Why? (JCM runs into the kitchen.) Shinya: JCM? What are you doing back here? JCM: Why did you replace me with my half-sister? Shinya: Sauce has worked with my longer than you have! Why wouldn't I bring in somebody I knew could do the job? JCM: It's just...I didn't expect you to move on so quickly. Shinya: Don't tell me you want to come back already! JCM: No! I...I'm doing great! I'm actually reading this book about being a good shrink that's over a thousand pages long! And right now, I'm learning about the stages of grief, but that...that doesn't mean I'm in denial! Shinya: Really? Because it sounds like you're in denial. (JCM walks out of the kitchen.) JCM: Can I get a table, Sauce? Sauce Mama: Sure! Anything for my bro! (Sauce Mama leads JCM to a table, and he sits down at it.) Sauce Mama: Can I give you anything to drink while you're waiting to order? It's on me! JCM: I...I...crap! I'm sorry for the coarse language, Sauce, but I'm feeling really mad all of a sudden. Sauce Mama: I've got just the thing for that: weed soda! It's legal here and it will mellow you right up! (Sauce Mama goes into the kitchen, and Shinya comes out of it shortly after. JCM runs to Shinya.) JCM: You've gotta give me my job back! I'll do anything! Shinya: Sounds like you're at the bargaining stage. JCM: How do you know about that? Shinya: It's one of the most overused tropes in television, JCM! Get a grip on yourself! JCM: (crying) I made a mistake! You told me I was making a mistake when I quit to become a teacher again, but I didn't listen! I'm sorry! (Shinya grabs JCM's shoulders.) Shinya: No. I'm the one who made the mistake. I was just used to you being around, but now that you've spent some time back at the school doing what you love, the last thing I want to do is take that away from you. JCM: But...I don't love it! I thought I did, but I don't. Shinya: That's the depression talking. I know you'll be a great guidance counselor, but you have to know it, too. (Sauce Mama walks out of the kitchen with a large glass of weed soda.) Sauce Mama: Am I...interrupting something? JCM: (wipes away tears) No. Sauce Mama: Great! Here's your federally controlled substance packaged in an unhealthy carbonated beverage! (Sauce Mama gives JCM the glass, and he drinks all of it in less than a second.) Sauce Mama: What the fuck? You weren't supposed to drink it all that fast! (JCM starts laughing.) JCM: I've done it! I've learned to accept that I'm not working here anymore! And I feel great! Sauce Mama: You're probably going to be feeling something else soon. JCM: What? (Suddenly, everything becomes sepia-toned, and everybody inside the restaurant now has afros and 1970s-era clothing on.) JCM: Uh-oh. (CNF, CDCB, Cha, and a capybara run into the restaurant.) CNF: There you are, JCM! JCM: The first things I can think of that start with the letter C? I guess it's just one of those days. Cha: We found a major clue in that mystery we've been investigating! JCM: Mystery? What mystery? CDCB: We don't have time for exposition! But that does remind me of a joke... CNF and Cha: No! CDCB: Never mind, then. Just know that we have to go now! It's urgent! Capybara: Right! Rit's rurgent! JCM: Sorry, Shin and Sauce. I need to leave with my friends and our talking capybara. Shinya: I understand. Hey, get better. And stay out of the street! JCM: You got it! (JCM runs out the restaurant with the others.) Shinya: (sniffs) They grow up so fast. (The End)

Premieres: Friday, March 24th at 7pm ED/PT Plot: The Chum Bucket is replaced by a flower shop with a charming new owner. Clip:

You glided 90 miles, giving you 20 exp! Try again in 10 hours!

You rode 100 miles, giving you 125 Cosmic Jelly! Try again in 10 hours!

You got 20 Cosmic Jelly! Try again in 10 hours!

Monday, March 20th: 7:00pm EDT: [3rd] Jackbox: Wheel of Enormous Proportions Whoever wins will receive 1,000 doubloons, 400 Cosmic Jelly and 300 experience points. Edit: Congrats to dman who won!

I was on a Desperados III kick when I wrote this about two and a half years ago (FUCK). This was originally supposed to be the first part of a trilogy in somewhat of an homage to The Dollars Trilogy, but I gave up on that idea pretty fast. It was the first thing I wrote post-Deathmatch so it holds a special place in my arteries somewhere. This is 2020’s “A Deadeye for an Eye”

He likes watching fast seahorse run.

Okay, I honestly had NO idea Raiden could summon a gigantic pizza!

I'mma firing my LASER!!!!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Friday, April 7th: 7:00pm EDT: Delivery to Monster Island (285A): SpongeBob and Plankton must work together to survive an island of deadly monsters.