Pinhead Larry

Cow tools.

her name is sandy squirrel

Ultimate baseball song

Episode 11: If Today Was Your Last Episode THEY ALL DIED. IT WAS THEIR LAST DAY AND THEY ALL DIED. Thank you everyone this is Wumbo signing off

Episode 10: I'll Have the Quesadilla Okay! Because you people want me to do a video with a bajillion people in it, once again, I have to limit myself. We're only going over the big players of this video. By which I mean we're only gonna look at this guy: Okay, first thing! Is this guy somebody? I have no idea. I wanted to do this episode before and then I learned one of the random nobodies I picked out of the crowd is Dale Earnhardt Jr., and it derailed the whole writing process. So maybe this guy is Britain's answer to Weird al. I have no fucking clue. If he's appearing in a Nickelback video, probably not. But how's he doing now? Well, after emphatically stating that the girls come easy and the drugs come cheap, William K. Wifflebottom went on to achieve his dreams of becoming a rock star (hey, hey), by playing bass for Arctic Monkeys. Sorry, wait, he was part of an Arctic Monkeys cover band called the Equatorial Orangutans. Sick name. After his brief stint with the band, he decided to see just how easy and cheap girls and drugs would come to him. After being banned from several pharmacies for hitting on the female cashiers, he unfortunately found out the hard way that nothing comes easy to a guy who was once part of the Equatorial Orangutans. So say its lead singer, Charles Stonebrook. Who, incidentally, did come across a box of discarded tic-tacs on the road one time, so we'll count that as drugs coming cheap to be generous. Stay in school, kids.

Maybe NEVER

My folks and friends, the Covid crisis is not over. Stay home and stay safe. We will be extending Ontario’s state of emergency, which means you cannot buy diapers at Wal-Mart and all playgrounds will have police tape around them. In the meantime, you can find lots of entertaining things to do on the Internet. For example, have you seen my Cherry Cheese Cake recipe? All you have to do is put cherry cheese cake filling in a bowl and bake it. Holy Christ! So easy even a Liberal can do it. And what’s more, I came across this great website celebrating the joys of childhood through stubbornly refusing to let go of a series for children. SpongeBob SquarePants. We stand with our Bikini Bottom allies as we fight the ongoing tariffs brought upon us by the Trump administratio-IM GONNA CUT OFF YOUR POWER DETROIT, DONT FUCK WITH ME ILL FUCKING DO IT- anyway, I looked upon this website and thought to myself, you know, this is great and #OntarioStrong and all that, but what if I ran it? I think I would do a much better job. What I'm trying to ask is… Episode 51: What If… I, Doug Ford, Governed SBC? Folks, let’s start this story from the beginning. As we all know, The SpongeBob Community started as an offshoot of tv.com, a site dedicated to the discussion of television in all forms. Now, I’m no stranger to the act of watching television - it’s how I kept up with my late brother’s antics. But you don’t have to be an avid Storage Wars Canada watcher to know that tv.com was an authoritarian hellscape devoid of any human empathy and cooperation. So I know what you’re thinking: “That sounds perfect and I would fit right in!” True enough, my fellow Ontarians. But unfortunately, tv.com has become defunct in the last decade or so. Much like the Ontario government under the Liberal leadership of Kathleen Wynne. I couldn’t let the same happen to SBC. So, I came in as a moderator. Now folks, being a moderator of SBC is not all fun and games. Holy Christ! Have you guys heard about this thing called “double posting”? Believe me, it’s not as fun as it sounds. It’s not like double-fisting timmies egg sandwiches in each hand. The yahoo’s of this website simply weren’t editing their posts. So I had to ban a few spammers, knock a few heads. Anything to keep the spirit and hope of SBC alive. Jjsthekid - they put a kid in charge of this website, can you believe it? - was so impressed by my moderating prowess that he stepped down and made me head gorilla of SBC. Things were going to look different in this community under my rule. First off, we needed to revamp this entire doubloons system. The folks of this forum were wasting their hard-earned doubloons on frivolous things like name changes. Now, I’m not against the BLT community or anything, but when users start changing their names on online forums it’s a slippery slope that leads us to teaching consent in Ontario schools! Holy Christ! I put a stop to that immediately, and also removed the “King Neptune for a Day”, replacing it with Yahoo Privilege. If you buy Yahoo Privilege at the SBC Store, you have free reign to do whatever sort of Covid-spreading activities you like, only between the hours of 1-3 PM and only on Wednesdays. And you can’t buy diapers at Wal-Mart, unless you have a specific pass to do so, that can be obtained through guessing what months the schools will be locked down and/or open for business. The rules could not be any simpler. Don’t make me cut education budgets again. You know my governance only works when the populace is uneducated! Where was I? Oh yes. With the rising cost of tariffs in the doubloon system, I had to act fast. I immediately set up a Dub a Beer payment program to deliver alcohol to SBCers’ houses for only one doubloon. It was then that I discovered that sometimes people on a SpongeBob forum are underage. Who knew? That was my first encounter with controversy in my reign. I tearfully got on the podium to apologize to the yahoo’s for my yahoo-like behaviour, and vowed I would do better by Listening and Responding to Your Concerns. My biggest concern was finding a way to sweep this whole mess under the rug. That’s when I came up with the perfect distraction! I organized a trans-SpongeBobian highway between SBC and SpongeBuddyMania, intent on finally creating the elusive SpongeBob Universe and finally being ruler of the universe. Take that, Trudeau! Unfortunately, my idea went over about as well as a hot air balloon full of cherry cheese cake. Outraged, the people of SBC demanded an election to strip me of my powers. But by that point, it was 2023, and no one actually visited SBC anymore. So I retained my power due to lack of interested voters (Author’s Note: HINT HINT FUCKING HINT) and continued to rule SBC up to this day. Boy, I sure wish people would come back and visit. Maybe I should finally learn how Discord works. Until next time, beware of swallowing bees.

Wumbo: You. absolutely no notes

Episode 9: I AM SO HIGH Hold on a minute. Who the hell is this guy? Isn't this a Nickelback song? Chad Kroeger featuring Josey Scott? Josey Scott of the band Saliva? A band willingly called themselves that? Fuck it. He's the character of today. After performing with the great Chad Kroeger on top of a rooftop, Josey Scott went on to promote his band's song "Click Click Boom" for use in Spider-Man 2. After getting rejected in favour of Train, Scott decided to up the ante by forming a new band called Spit Take, recording the songs "Boom Boom Click" and "Villain". Critics rightly found this all very derivative, so Josey Scott went back to Saliva, spat on a bunch of new mics recording a new album, and lived out his life grateful he didn't horribly embarrass himself like Aaron Lewis. Wait, let me check... oh, he does Christian rock now. Never mind. I'm not gonna stand here and wait.

Final.

Word Spud.

GIMME THAT PIZZA

Episode 7: Three Bad Okay, so this video actually seems to follow the plot (?) of the song, so this makes it easy! We simply go to the next song on the album, entitled "Just For". Here are the lyrics to that song for you to follow along at home! So the kid's dad, played by Gord Downie (not really, but it kinda looks like him, oh edit this out Wumbo no one knows what you're talking about), learned to support his family to an uncomfortable extent, to the point where he expressed immense anger at any man who dared look at his wife. He would also express that he wanted to "break their minds down", though it is unclear what, if anything, was meant by this. The kid learned to drive more safely and now runs a driving school that doubles as a woodworking club. Mom divorced Dad for good and went to live in a place that won't have her living out her life to the tune of Nickelback lyrics. Nickelback's bassist, Mike Kroeger, continued to wear that damn cowboy hat.

I could pay money to have him shanked.

Episode 6: Wait, Surely This is The Same Song, Right? No? Okay Say what you want about Nickelback; they have a formula for success! Anyway, this video has a lot of potential characters that are interesting to look at, so let's get a sample few of the highlights and look at each of them individually, shall we? 1. Main Character Man After saving the woman from being crushed by a fallen... ...whatever the hell is going on here, Main Character Man went on to live his life a bit more carefully, understanding the ramifications if you don't look both ways before crossing the street like a jackass. You could end up with seeing-numbers-over-people's-heads disease, which is a fate even worse than death. You know what? Cross that street next time. 2. Sequel Woman We know Nickelback likes their sequels to songs, so why not have a sequel to this video as well? Sequel Woman suffered the same fate as Main Character Man, afflicted with the same condition. She cured this by paying for someone's lunch at Tim Hortons. Yeah, didn't actually need to go and save someone's life! It was really that simple. Deceptively so. Maybe there shouldn't be a sequel video after all. 3. Thanks a Lot Buddy, Now We Have to Watch a Nickelback Video Because of You After saving Main Character Man from getting hit by a bus (and getting fired at his funeral), this guy went on to propose a new transit system that uses high-speed railways hovering above the streets so nothing like that would ever have the chance of happening again. Unfortunately, the fat suits did not care for the idea, and he and his hat were banished to be a background character in another Nickelback video, I'm sure. 4. Your Dad Tried the Nick Carter Filter on Snapchat to Disastrous Results Wait, sorry, that's just Chad Kroeger. Moving on. 5. This Woman Does Not Want to Be Bothered Just making a phone call as MCM tries to reach for her invisible head-numbers. Quit bothering her, asshole. I feel bad for even including her here. No, you don't get to know what happened to her. Mind your business. 6. NOM NOM I SURE DO LOVE MY BISCUIT OR WHATEVER If you look closely, this guy's health bar is dropping faster than everyone else's. This is because he is eating fatty foods and at risk of choking due to eating and walking. Or it would be the case if I didn't just make the first part up. This guy paid for his own lunch at Tim Hortons. 7. Life Begins at Conception, Man! No but seriously what the hell 8. She's Dead Where is she now? Heaven. A place where blind men see... wait, wrong buttrock band. She's dead. 9. The Joker Okay, no, he's not in this video, but he may as well be.

Episode 5: Wait, You're Sure This Isn't The Same Song? Okay Then Wow, that's a thumbnail alright! Anyway, clearly the people to focus on in this video are the happy dead couple, now that they are both dead and happy because they are dead and together again, in the greatest tribute to "The Sixth Sense" you may ever see (not that I personally know of many, but that's besides the point). But really, what is there to discuss with this couple? They are both spooky dead now, they will probably both go to hell for dying in a bridge accident and delaying traffic. No, I want to talk about the people who witness the car crash, and then turn around to supposedly see the light: that ghosts are real, and the afterlife is a sure thing. At least, that's what I assume is happening here. Otherwise, they are turning around to look at nothing, which doesn't exactly have the same dramatic effect if you really think about it. Are these guys playing in a parking garage? Well, no wonder the woman in this video died! That truck had nowhere to park! Anyway, the people. Once witnessing the majesty of ghostly suicidal love, a video ending that contains emotions as muddy and murky as, well, your average Nickelback song, the people went on to form their own cult religion, Kroeger's Witnesses. For the next several years, they would knock on people's doors and bellow "HAVE YA HEARD THE GOOD NEWS" in their best Nickelback impression. Some even took to wearing spaghetti strainers on their heads as a symbolic gesture to their God's hairstyle. Eventually, these people realized they were in a Nickelback video and became disillusioned, though thankfully not to the point of running red lights and getting crushed by trucks. You know what they say, no use crying over spilled milk that only leaves one set of footprints. Because those were the times when your ghostly boyfriend carried you to the grocery store to survey more options for calcium in your diet. That's how it goes, right? Hey, Nickelback video guys? Maybe don't put MAN DIE BRIDGE newspaper in the first scene of your video if you want your ghost thing to be a "twist". God, this is the longest episode I've written and it's for a ripoff song of How You Remind Me. How the hell did we wi-

I want an adult size Krabby Patty.

Episode 4: Are We Having Fun Yet? The woman in this video, who seems to be a figment of Chad's imagination but then isn't and is at the Nickelback concert but then he's at his own Nickelback concert and god damn this is a shitty video. Anyway, after being trashed in Nickelback's breakthrough hit by Buttrock Jesus himself, Melanie (I dunno she looks like a Melanie) went on to find a new band to date the lead singer of. Unfortunately, that turned out to be Adam Gontier from Three Days Grace, who happened to write "I Hate Everything About You" soon after. She swore off rock guys for good and focused on opening up a recycling center, so when you're down to the bottom of every bottle, you can bring your used bottles there! Chad Kroeger went on to cut his hair in increasingly ridiculous ways for the rest of the decade.