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Old Man Jenkins

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Everything posted by Old Man Jenkins

  1. This past Monday’s Regal Mystery Movie was the Spy x Family movie releasing tomorrow. I spoiled the surprise for myself before going in so I was expecting a lot of walkouts, but surprisingly only like one couple got up and left. Most everyone else seemed to enjoy it, so it was cool to see an anime getting some love from a crowd I’d assume wouldn’t be for it. The sour ass lemons on Reddit be damned. I still need to catch up with the series myself (as is the case with most every tv series I miraculously get so much as a start on), but since it’s still pretty fresh in its run, this movie’s given me some incentive to get back to it. Maybe. Watched Arcadian on Tuesday, which was pretty good. Like Shudder’s very own Quiet Place (if they haven’t already made one). It was pretty much mostly all I wanted It Comes At Night to be when I first watched that lol. I found it funny that this theater didn’t bother showing Dream Scenario (which I still have to watch btw), but this is the Nic Cage movie they went out of their way to play. I guess it has some sorta deal with Regal or something. And then I watched Interstellar last night since I’ve never watched it at all, so having that first experience in a theater is a cool thing to have. Idk why I didn’t watch it during its initial run since I was still doing my whole movie-watching thing back then. Guess I was frugal with my movie picks since I didn’t have Regal Unlimited back then and only went to the theater once or twice a week? The movie was good, but got kinda boring for me during the final stretch. Doesn’t help that a lot of it felt like ASMR the movie, so I was nodding off a lot at that point lol.
  2. Can’t really think of a good spot to talk wrasslin on the discord, so I’ll just say my piece here. It takes a really special kind of a fuck up to get the likes of Jim Cornette, Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo to all collectively agree that you really fucked up. You can literally see Tony Schiavone having war flashbacks to WCW’s worst days after that security camera footage segment with The Young Bucks ended. All that shit did was put over a guy who doesn’t even work for AEW anymore. It doesn’t necessarily do any favors for the perception of Jack Perry. It corroborates CM Punk’s side of the story that he told Ariel Helwani a lot more. Tony Khan makes himself look every bit like the clown that Punk says he is if that video truly captures the moment that he “felt afraid for his life”. Such a shame to see all the promise this company once had go right down the drain in the span of one night, and all because of a bruised ego. Khan’s been on a downward spiral for a good while now, but this past Dynamite was definitely him sinking to the lowest of the low. Never felt true fear for AEW’s future until this week. If they don’t get the kind of tv deal that they want out of WBD, hoo boy.
  3. SpongeBrawl celebrates Wrestlemania Weekend with a nowhere near as grand episode!
  4. Episode 3: Angel in the Goo The Toast Krusters are called upon to investigate Goo Lagoon, where a series of horrific drownings both in and out of the goo have been taking place. Local surf bums believe the cause of all the panic to be supernatural in nature. Some believe The Big One is back to wreak its brutal vengeance after it got shredded upon last surf season. The Toast Kusters rent out a dinghy for an overnight investigation out on water. Their cameras capture ghost orbs floating over the goo’s surface and onto land, but a freak wave accident cuts this investigation short. The next night, the Krusters launch an investigation on the beach itself, where Squidward comes face-to-face with the source of the haunting after disturbing its resting place with his specter detector (fashioned out of an old metal detector): Scooter the Surfer! After saving Squidward from a near-drowning on dry land, the memories all come flooding back to SpongeBob. He informs the others that Scooter passed away very untimely when the surfer asked him and his old pal, Bubble Buddy, to bury him in the sand. SpongeBob then left Bubble Buddy in charge of digging Scooter back out, but he hadn’t heard from Scooter again since. Krabs deduces that the bubble somehow failed his task and that Scooter now haunts the beach, tethered to the physical world by his anger and lust for vengeance. Squidward vividly recalls the ghost of Scooter having a pair of wings and a halo, as if he were visited by an angel. The surfer had no such appendages in life, so he must’ve acquired those sometime after death. They call it in to Sandy for her to further study on. Sandy doesn’t want to keep wasting valuable resources on their phony part time gig (especially without compensation), but a run in with Scooter the Angel himself inside her own Treedome is enough to convince Sandy to help put an end to his reign of terror. After ghost-proofing her dome, she gets back to The Krusters with more intel on “avenging angels”. Avenging angels were among the first angels created by God to dish out punishments that the big kahuna couldn’t bring himself to commit on his own. While mere mortals such as themselves are unable to become actual angels, she theorizes that Scooter’s well-documented religious upbringing mixed with his anger over his untimely death fueled a change in his spectral body after death, morphing him into the Angel of Vengeance they see now. And it seems as though he won’t rest until his vengeance has been deemed truly wreaked. Taking some of the ectoplasmic ooze she recovered from their previous Heart & Soul investigations and mixing it into a compound sample of goo from the lagoon, she creates a countermeasure made specially for Scooter that she calls “The Gooze”. She sends a bottle out to The Toast Krusters by drone to use at their own discretion. Krabs suggests using the Gooze to set up a trap for Scooter, and SpongeBob just so happens to have the perfect trap in mind. That night, the ghost of Scooter is drawn out by the presence of Bubble Buddy himself. His retribution finally at hand, Scooter uses his ghostly powers to finally pop the bubble, but unbeknownst to him, this perfect replica of Bubble Buddy was made by SpongeBob using the Gooze! Once popped, the Gooze splattered all over Scooter’s angelic form, burning him upon contact. Using his trusty bubble wand, SpongeBob blows Gooze bombs at Scooter, weakening him further. This leaves the angel of vengeance curable enough for Krabs and Squidward to lay siege with their new patented “Grief Blowers”. They handily suck up the ghost of Scooter the Surfer and send him back to Sandy for proper dispensement. With their investigation of Goo Lagoon officially coming to a close, the beach returns to relative normalcy. SpongeBob paddles out into the lagoon with all the beach bums to give Scooter a more dignified send off, out of respect for their fallen angel. Notes Featured ghost: Scooter the Angel Introduced anti-ghost devices: The Gooze and the newly patented Grief Blower
  5. Should’ve posted these in my last sharing time post, but it completely blanked out of my mind at the time. Just gonna post it here since I don’t necessarily feel like bumping my sharing time right now. My Kawaii Kon 2024 haul:
  6. Wrapped a late night recording sesh. The road to the Finale further heats up as Mermaid Man makes a shocking revelation! Two former Family Champions break up and collide! And a Wumbo Championship match to remember, or not!
  7. here’s to Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire’s recent release Pilot: Part 2 Following both their respective run-ins with the other side, the Toast Krusters reconvene and formulate a counter-offensive as they find themselves fighting sinister specters on two fronts. Knowing that they must liberate two homes to prevent them from becoming perpetual houses of horror, they enlist Sandy’s services in order to “get a few upgrades” for their anti-ghost equipment. Using their newly modified gear, they are able to fight with the ghost haunting Squidward’s house on a much more even playing field. The struggle forces the ghost to manifest itself, revealing it to be a piece of SpongeBob’s own soul: the part of his soul that “died” when his vision for the Toast Krusters became a big sham thanks to Krabs. SpongeBob and Krabs reconcile just in time to save Squidward from another untimely demise, with SpongeBob employing his trusty reef blower to finally trap the ghost. They next head to the residence where Krabs’ disastrous solo ghost hunt took place. They’re able to draw the ghost out by tracking its whereabouts through random drops of temperature. The ghost manifests itself in the kitchen, revealing itself to be the corresponding part for SpongeBob’s passion that got poured into this project: his heart. They’re ultimately able to trap it after Krabs baits it in and surprises it out by having his shivering timbers braced. This enables Krabs to retain it long enough for SpongeBob to trap in his reef blower. Once the dust settles, they take the reef blower back to Sandy’s Treedome, where she can properly contain and, hopefully, dispose of them. SpongeBob’s faith in the team is restored as he draws up concept art for the Krusters’ uniforms going forward. Notes Featured ghosts: “Heart Man” and “Soul Man” Introduced gadgets: Reef Blower and Shivering Timber Braces
  8. The Krusty Krushers, BassWard and three-fourths of The Gal Pals are now canon to SpongeBrawl. What a time to be active here on SBC. Oh, Frank and Craig Mammalton are here too!
  9. Just gonna copy and paste what I posted on discord onto here to hit my monthly forum post quota. Pulled an Immaculate/Frozen Empire double feature on Thursday night. Immaculate sorta reminded me of Wrong Turn 2021, where I went in expecting the same formula as other movies that preceded it, but it does something just different enough to subvert some of my expectations in a way that I ended up enjoying more than I thought I would. And with The First Omen coming out in a few weeks, this movie needed something to stand out from that. And of course, there’s a lil somethin-somethin for the Sydney Sweeney Cinnamon Toast Crunch character-looking emote users out there. I consider this a W for Sydney since it sounded like quite the passion project for her. What a trilogy between this, Anyone But You and Madame Web. And Frozen Empire did enough to scratch dat itch for the GB fan in me. I appreciate them drawing more from the well of the animated series for this installment since this franchise definitely needs to tread some new ground. Still a pretty mid sequel, but I like seeing the effort to introduce new ghosts and elements instead of retreading Vigo or something. Came out of it thinking GB would be better suited as a show like Cobra Kai.
  10. rerunning this for the arcade anarchy occasion and jjs finally playing Tsushima for the first time. That and I’m just so proud of this lil one shot
  11. Experimenting with a string of 3-4 match shows to see if they fare better with the algorithm any. It’s anarchy at the arcade here on SpongeBrawl as we celebrate the joy of video games by simulating SpongeBob matches on a wrestling game
  12. The Gal Pals unite against a common enemy! The Family Champions are in non-title action! And Mr. Krabs defends the Championship of Wumbo in today’s main event!
  13. Episode 4: A Broken Heart and The Will to Live SpongeBob wakes up at 3 am, the result of some misguided sense of duty to count the sesame seeds at the Krusty Krab, as well as still thinking about what went down with Squidward the previous day. He doesn’t quite get it. Squidward tore his Valentine card up in plain sight for SpongeBob to see that year. He didn’t even accept the gift to begin with, so why was he suddenly acting like SpongeBob peed in his Bran Flakes? Better yet, why is everybody acting like SpongeBob peed in their Bran Flakes?! SpongeBob decides to stop by Squidward’s on the way to work. Hoping to clear the air about this Valentine’s Day business once and for all. SpongeBob makes his way inside Squidward’s abode using a spare key Squidward gave him. For some reason. Squidward was nowhere to be seen downstairs, so he went on ahead upstairs. He enters Squidward’s bedroom to find that he surprisingly wasn’t in bed. He looks around a little, soon catching sight of a heart-shaped card displayed on Squidward’s night stand. The card appears to be heavily taped up, as if it was desperately being salvaged. SpongeBob sees a light emanating from the other side of Squidward’s cracked bathroom door. He walks over to it, almost slipping on something as he reaches for the doorknob. He looks down to see a red viscous fluid also seeping through from the other side of the door. He swings the door open and lets out a scream that you would find in a SpongeBob’s Best Freak Out Moments and Screams compilation. Bikini Bottom Police arrive and tape up the entire house. Detectives investigate the entire scene top to bottom and they conclude that Squidward’s death is the result of a suicide. From what they gather of SpongeBob’s account of the previous day, as well as finding the Valentine’s Day card that Squidward still has in possession after all this time, it appears as though the stress and unaddressed emotions of it all unfortunately caught up to him. They walk SpongeBob through what exactly happened; Squidward begins by shattering his mirror and using a broken piece of glass to cut and stab himself all over. He tried drowning himself but found that electrocution would be a faster, easier option. He then ultimately decides to rip his own heart out of his chest, possibly to symbolize SpongeBob ripping his heart out when he was leading him on. They couldn’t, however, recover said heart, as it no longer appears to be at the crime scene. They finally cap off Squidward’s demise by declaring that Squidward, with the last ounce of life he had left, then scrawled the words “You Broke My Heart Man” on the bathroom wall with his own blood. Open and shut case. They then reveal to SpongeBob that they found the third player in SpongeBob’s story, Dave, dead in his vehicle just a few hours prior. It appears he had slit his own neck with a rose and then stuffed an entire bouquet down his neck hole. Very gruesome, very timely stuff given the banned holiday fast approaching. One of the detectives then say the thing by exclaiming Detective: It would seem Valentine’s Day returns…with a bloody vengeance. They then warn SpongeBob to not break anymore hearts or else they’ll be liable to bring him in, but him saying the thing suddenly reminds SpongeBob of Patrick, who he has made an effort to avoid since that very day. He shifts his attention towards his rock. It appears as though Patrick isn’t home. Trivia This episode was written as the ultimate act of defiance against Heart Man by not having him up in an episode posted on actual Valentine’s Day
  14. Episode 3: Titan of Terror! We open up to Squidward personally surveying the destruction that was left in Squidasaurus’ wake. Any body that’s been salvaged from the rubble of the once bustling city has been laid out on the main road, filling it up all the way down. Cries for help and expressions of grief fill the air along with the bad stench of SpongeBob’s special Sunday sundae. Squidward walks along the corpse road, eventually coming across a daughter crying over what appeared to be her mother’s body. Squidward: (deep in thought) The pain…the suffering… You languish in anguish because, like me, you too realize the hard truth of the complete lunacy you now find yourself surrounded by. What did these idiots do to you, mighty ancestor? You’ve shown, you’ve PROVEN here today that despite still being stuck in your primitive ways, you are still the more evolved! You retaliate, not because of fear or uncertainty. I’d hardly say that this was even the result of you wreaking a violent vengeance on those who dared transgress you, of all beings in existence. These primitive simples failed you, didn’t they, my ancestor?? They failed to meet up to your high expectations. They fell far short of your standards. They disappointed you in ways they couldn’t even begin to fathom. They are the ones that cower in fear. They fear what they do not understand and they could never hope to understand because they can't even begin to understand me! But whereas I have long since been conditioned to resign myself to my cruel fate, you still have the power and fortitude to do something about it. Squid’s monologue sees him tracing his ancestor’s steps, taking himself directly to Squidasaurus Rex’s current location; the Kelp Forest, where Squidasaurus Rex is seen shooting a plane out of the sky with his rancid breath. The plane is forced to drop its load. A nice outdoor picnic conveniently drops right in their laps, giving the two distant relatives a meal to talk and bond over. Their quality time is soon interrupted by a rather untimely and unwelcome arrival. ???: Hello? Anyone there? Hello!? Hello! A kelp forest ranger cuts through the kelp with his machete and is immediately stopped in his tracks by the beast that stood before him. Kill Forest Ranger: Magic Conch, should I save this guy. Magic Conch Shell: No. Squidward: Very astute of you, Magic Conch, to know that I am not the one in need of saving. Squidasaurus starts to make his slow approach. The kelp forest ranger firmly grasps the handle of his machete, willing to fight back if he absolutely needs to. Squidward: Let’s educate them on why ALL the dinosaurs feared the Squidasaurus Rex Squidasaurus takes in a deep breath and exhales another powerful, noxious stream of sundae rancid breath onto the forest. Meanwhile, back in Frenchy’s research sub, Frenchy has invited Sandy, SpongeBob and Patrick over to demonstrate a possible solution to their dilemma. While Frenchy may not be an expert on Squidasaurus Rex, he has spent years studying its descendants, the octopus. And through his time studying a particularly stuck-up gated community of octopi, he discovered their high intolerance to fried oyster skins. And since they all descended from Squidasaurus Rex’s lineage, he has reason to believe that intolerance is a trait passed down to them from the big kahuna himself. From there, he unveils to them the fruit of his labor; the Fried Oyster Destroyer. By harnessing the raw power of fried oyster skins and weaponizing it, Frenchy originally intended for this superweapon to be used in the event that Tentacle Acres decided to form their own Reich. But given the current circumstances, deploying it now would also be greatly advised. Sandy is skeptical that Frenchy could craft such a weapon and requests to see it in action for herself, which is why Frenchy asked her to bring one of her experimental lab Squidwards along to test the power of his device. They place the mutant Squidward clone in an enclosed tank specially designed to contain the power of the prototype Fried Oyster Destroyer that’s set to go off. The lab Squidward attacks the destroyer capsule and holds it in its tentacles right as it detonates. SpongeBob and Patrick scream and cry like babies, seeking Sandy’s arms for comfort from what they just witnessed. Frenchy reminds her that that was only just the prototype. The finished model he has since perfected will be more than enough to take a being of Squidasaurus Rex’s stature down in one fell swoop. No problem. No problem at all, except for the fact that the finished model must be activated manually. Meaning at least one of them won’t make it out of this story arc alive. Sandy volunteers herself to be the one to go, feeling it’s the redemption she needs after failing Bikini Bottom not just once but twice. She admits that she made a very bad call once before by choosing to sacrifice the life of another for the good of the many. It’s only right that she gives her own life now to save everyone. Frenchy was low key hoping they'd choose Patrick, but she’s now convinced him otherwise. Sandy will definitely be the one to go! They calculate that Squidasaurus Rex’s path will bring him back to Bikini Bottom in three days' time, giving them ample time to prepare. The next day, however, that time was heavily cut short. Like Disney cutting the Moana tv series down to slap together a hasty Moana 2. Guided back vicariously by his descendant, Squidasaurus Rex makes a sudden reappearance at Goo Lagoon, attacking everyone who thought it was a good idea to go to the beach after a disaster just rocked their town. Larry the Lobster and his fellow lifeguards worked to evacuate as many beach goers as they could. They buy the Squidasaurus Rex task force time, challenging the prehistoric terror to an impromptu beach-off before Squidward puts an end to that by getting Squidasaurus Rex to attack their self-esteem by calling them fat. With the lifeguards naturalized, the Squidasaur is given free reign to rampage all the way back into town, however, the task force arrives just in the nick of time to intercept his path. Patrick gets the rest of the team to hold, wanting at least one more chance to appeal to the monster’s good nature. Patrick reminds Squidasaurus Rex of how he was the one who originally took the creature into his home and took care of him after he was forcefully taken from his original time. Squidward, his so-called descendant, didn’t bother to do anything of that. He just ran away like a little bitch and and dumped him off in order to be someone else’s problem, but Squidasaurus Rex was never a “problem” for Patrick. Patrick tended to his needs, they became like family. And families don’t use each other as a means to an end. Squidward only wants to be a part of Squidasaurus’ life now because he recognizes that he can use his power to do terrible, awful things to those he deem to be “inferior”. He wants to use Rex because he doesn’t have the gall to do anything about it for himself. Patrick tells Squidasaurus Rex that he has an opportunity right now to prove that he can truly be greater than the rest of them. And he can only prove it by kicking Squidward to the curb. Squidward orders his ancestor to squish his fat ass and be done with it, but Squidasaurus Rex takes some of what Patrick said to heart, ultimately deciding to turn on his descendant by knocking him off with his tail and then blowing Squidward away, midair, with his rancid breath! Patrick is relieved at his adopted pet’s decision, but as I previously said, Squidasaurus Rex only took some of what Patrick said to heart. Squidasaurus Rex is truly greater than all, and the word “all” applies to a lot more people than just Squidward. Squidasaurus Rex belches out another powerful beam of rancid breath, right in Patrick’s direction. Patrick’s been able to withstand the sundae in the past, but even this might be too much for him to handle. He’s completely enveloped in green fumes. Sandy and Frenchy are helpless as their friend succumbs to dat hot breath. Or did he? The fumes quickly start to dissipate as SpongeBob absorbs the blast into his porous body., almost becoming too much for him to bear. SpongeBob then relieves the pressure by unleashing a barrage of rancid shots from his holes. The shots all connect with Squidasaurus Rex, causing him to fall back into the goo from the ferocity of SpongeBob’s all-out attack. Sandy and Frenchy take this time to prep the perfected Fried Oyster Destroyer. They take a boat used for oyster fishing out to meet Squidasaurus Rex in the goo. Squidasaurus Rex unleashes another rancid breath beam, to which SpongeBob counters with a beam of his own. This creates a beam struggle between the two straight outta DBZ. However, SpongeBob’s body runs empty and eventually runs out of sundae juice, leading to Squidasaurus Rex winning the struggle. The force of the beam sends SpongeBob flying away into one of the guard towers. Sandy goes to grab the destroyer but finds that it’s already. Frenchy is still in the boat with her, so who could’ve taken it? Squidasaurus Rex is suddenly pulled under the goo, the weight of Patrick’s body dragging the beast into the dark depths below. Squidasaurus Rex fires off its rancid breath frantically, just barely missing Sandy and Frenchy’s vessel. Patrick manually activates the Fried Oyster Destroyer once they hit the bottom of the lagoon. Patrick reminds Squidasaurus Rex that family sticks by you to the very end. Sandy and Frenchy see a bright light radiate in the goo below them. The Fried Oyster Destroyer has been detonated. Squidasaurus Rex is quickly reduced to nothing but bones that scatter and break away in the goo. Sandy laments as Frenchy poses the possibility of another “Squidzilla” appearing if they’re not careful from here on out. Trivia The titles for these past three episodes are inspired by the tagline for the original Godzilla film released in 1954 (which this arc itself is a parody of); “Incredible, Unstoppable Titan of Terror!” this is the context for Lab Squidward https://spongebob.fandom.com/wiki/Lab_Squidward Squidzilla will Raid Again
  15. Plot: The life and times of a mediocre beast that is out of place and out of time. Episode 1: Incredible! Months have passed since the horrific events of Sponge Out of Water. The undersea world of Bikini Bottom was still working its way back to relative normalcy following the fast food apocalypse that nearly damned all its populace. However, nothing might be able to save them from total destruction this time. Sandy and her colleague, Frenchy, are seen out on the field in the Jellyfish Fields, providing aid and shelter to a peaceful tribe of salmon who got run out of their homes during the fast food apocalypse. Frenchy thanks Sandy for going through the trouble of helping him. Sandy says it’s all she can really do now after going “full nutbar” in the heat of the apocalypse. She’s not proud of some of the things she did and decisions she made when the weight of the town was on her shoulders. Perhaps helping Frenchy with his efforts here and now, could provide some reprieve for at least some of her past guilt. The village shalmon thanked them for their generosity and hospitality when a sudden rumbling could be heard not far from their location. A group was of salmon villagers are seen taking up improvised arms, looking to be protecting their territory from someone or something. The shalmon asks one of them what’s the meaning for the sudden hostility, to which the villager responds, “the stories were true! Sabrestra is here!” Sandy inquires about just what is a “Sabrestra”. Frenchy informs her that Sabrestra is something of a local legend among salmon tribes. Their descriptions of it indicate that it could be based on the sabre-toothed salmon of the late Miocene period. But they were thought to have gone extinct during the early Pilocene. He tells her they might just have a breakthrough on their hands and insists they intervene before the salmon do something drastic. Sandy and Frenchy head the villagers off out in the fields. The shalmon does his best to calm his people down, assuring them that Sandy and Frenchy will take care of it. Frenchy charges onto the wide, open field, leaving Sandy behind as she assists the shalmon in holding his people back. Frenchy stops dead in his tracks, a large shadow slowly looms over him, blocking out immediate sunlight. The villagers cower in fear as the salmonoid figure stares off in their direction. The shalmon couldn’t believe that tales of Sabrestra’s existence were true. Sandy was in shock and awe at what she saw before her. She hadn’t felt anything like this since coming face-to-face with an Alaskan Bull Worm. All Frenchy could do was stay perfectly still so as not to alarm the mighty creature. One of the villagers throws caution to the wind by throwing their pitchfork directly at the creature like a spear. The pitchfork bounced right off the creature’s seemingly tough exterior, yet it still caught onto some of its “skin”, which tore away at it like fabric as it descended down to the ground. Frenchy and Sandy both surmised that the creature was wearing clothing of some sort. A disguise perhaps? However, this act of violence was enough to send “Sabrestra” into a rage. It completely bypasses Frenchy without a thought, making a beeline right toward the crowd of armed villagers. The villagers ready their torches and pitchforks as it makes its monstrous approach. The shalmon begs for everyone to retreat. Sandy slides under the creature’s legs and latches onto its tail, hoping to distract it long enough for the villagers to escape, but they instead take this as an opportunity to lay siege to “Sabrestra” while it’s distracted. Their torches and pitchforks burn and pierce the monster, but their efforts still didn’t seem to do any real damage to it. Its “skin”, however, did tear and burn away, revealing its true form. Frenchy: …Squidasaurus Rex… Sandy: Everybody run! It’s going to attack! Staring the severity of their situation right in the eye, the villagers finally decide to flee. But Squidasaurus Rex quickly chases them all down and picks them apart one by one. With Sandy still hanging, needlessly wrestling for control of its tail, Squidasaurus Rex slams its tail onto some of the villagers with Sandy still on board, but the force of the ground pound was enough to finally shake her off. This freed it up to pick some of the villagers out of the scattering crowd with its mighty jaws while mindlessly stomping on many others. Sandy comes to, finding herself squished onto the bodies of dead salmon. She scurries out of the ditch created from the impact of the creature’s tail onto the ground and frantically pulls out her lasso, hoping to somehow subdue the annoyed beast. Villagers are being squished, torn to shreds by razor sharp teeth and flung around like helpless ragdolls without care. Squidasaurus Rex shifts its attention back to Frenchy, who is completely frozen in fear. It marches towards him, looking to crush the brilliant marine biologist under its feet, but the shalmon arrives to push Frenchy out of the way just enough to avoid disaster, but still finds himself crushed to death in Frenchy’s stead. Squidasaurus Rex lunges in to grasp French in its maw, but its head is suddenly yanked back by Sandy, who manages to lasso one of its fangs. She struggles to reel the creature in, giving Squidasaurus Rex the opportunity to swat her away with a powerful tail whip, powerful enough to take the lassoed fang out with her. She’s sent flying into the village area, with the fang following right after, piercing one of the shelters she helped build. Villagers screamed and panicked, trying to evacuate what was left of the damaged shelter. Their noise draws Squidasaurus Rex closer to them. Sandy lies helpless on the ground as the monster makes its fast approach, blacking out as it begins to destroy the salmon village. Episode 2: Unstoppable Sandy finally comes to, barely making out two figures with their backs towards her. They seem to be pulling her away from the destruction strewn about around her. Sandy: SpongeBob? P-Patrick? SpongeBob and Patrick turn around in amazement, overjoyed and relieved that Sandy’s still with them. They hug her before pulling her back up to her feet, each of them offer her their shoulders for support before walking her off to the nearest medical tent. Frenchy is seen tending to a lot of the injured. Sandy looks around to see the beds filled to capacity and even longer lines of bodies laid out on the ground and covered up. Before Sandy can say anything, Frenchy tells her that it’s a miracle even this much survived. Sandy asks the whereabouts of Squidasaurus Rex, to which Frenchy responds despairingly that it appears to be making its way towards the city. Sandy insists on getting a message out to warn them, but Frenchy’s years of studying the town tells him that they won’t necessarily take this news well and authorities will fail to maintain control long enough to evacuate the entire city. Patrick suggests they can give them enough time to push the town somewhere else, but now isn’t the time for playful callbacks. Lives are at stake! Sandy asks what SpongeBob and Patrick are doing here. Frenchy would rather they explain for themselves. SpongeBob reveals that after all that business with the fast food apocalypse, Burger Beard, the book and the time traveling, they unfortunately left one loose end unattended to; the presence of Squidasaurus Rex in the present time. Plankton went off grid after learning how to work as tyeam player and Bubbles was unreachable, so they had no choice but to take responsibility for Squidasaurus Rex themselves. Sandy asks why they didn’t come to her for help, surely she has a higher success rate than Plankton. However, SpongeBob and Patrick avoided getting her involved after she went all “nutbar” trying to solve the apocalypse. They tried integrating Squidasaurus into modern society by introducing him as their friend to everyone while disguised in a salmon suit. However, a few people thought it was a good idea to throw rocks at him upon first introduction, which caused Squidasaurus Rex to fly into an uncontrollable rage. They tried luring him out into Jellyfish Fields to let him get his anger out in the peace and serenity of the open fields, but they didn’t count on Sandy and Frenchy’s salmon shelter being in their path. Sandy interprets this as all being their fault, but Frenchy tells them to pull together or risk getting pulled apart by the jaws of the beast. Frenchy owes it to the salmon people to put a stop to Squidasaurus Rex’s rampage, and Bikini Bottom has already faced imminent destruction once before, now they face certain doom if they don’t come up with one good plan. Sandy once again suggests alerting the proper authorities in order to warn Bikini Bottom that it must defend itself if they are to avoid widespread casualties. Frenchy again is hesitant getting them involved, much rather pooling together their own resources to reign Squidasaurus Rex in themselves. Frenchy admits he’s not necessarily an expert in Squidasaurus Rexes, but SpongeBob says that he knows someone who is. In the meantime, with Squidasaurus Rex trotting through their territory unchecked, their best bet for keeping him preoccupied for a while is the local jellyfish population. They are Bikini Bottom’s first line of defense. Frenchy decides to leave the salmon village in Sandy’s care while he, SpongeBob and Patrick head back to Bikini Bottom to recruit Squidward Tentacles. Sandy objects at first, but soon relents knowing that she’s all the salmon have for right now. Later, Frenchy, SpongeBob and Patrick are seen approaching Squidward’s doorstep and knock on his door. Can’t they see that Squidward is busy SPOILING himself?! SpongeBob immediately gets Squidward’s attention by revealing that Squidasaurus Rex is still on the board following Sponge Out of Water. Squidward remarks that Squidward: I knew that wasn’t a salmon you introduced me to this morning! and demands to know its whereabouts at once. They get Squidward up to speed on everything and conclude by telling him that as of now, Squidasaurus Rex is still navigating Jellyfish Fields enroute to Bikini Bottom. Squidward suggests calling the number for the Navy, but Frenchy reiterates his disdain for playful callbacks as well as his intent to refrain getting them involved. What they need is Squidward’s knowledge of his ancestor to come up with an effective way to neutralize his threat non-lethally, for the good of marine science. Squidward says that if they thought octopi such as himself are insufferable now, then imagine how they were back in prehistoric times. What’s considered insufferable now was nigh unstoppable back then. The octopus are at the top of the hierarchy nowadays just as they were then. If they want to stop Squidasaurus Rex, they’re gonna have to kill it. And to kill it, they’re gonna need the big guns. Now. Squidward gets on the phone and calls the Navy on speed dial, but Frenchy wrestles it out of his hand and hangs it up. While Frenchy and Squidward are busy debating the ethics of their character motivations, SpongeBob and Patrick sneak off to try and stop the monster themselves. They head to SpongeBob’s kitchen to assemble a secret concoction that’s sure to soothe the savage beast in a way that’s to Frenchy’s liking. Meanwhile, back in town, it's just another day in Bikini Bottom when the limp body of Cnidaria Regina, a Queen jellyfish, is suddenly flung onto a busy city street. The citizens are all stopped in their tracks as they turn to look where the dead jelly came from; the southwest. Cue dat classic score. Squidasaurus Rex proudly displays the battle scars he received from the many jellyfish stings he endured on his way there. He slowly marches his way into the center of town crushing and knocking away all vehicles in his path. He soon finds said path impeded, however, by a familiar duo. It’d be in bad taste to use Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy, so it’s just SpongeBob and Patrick! They try appealing to the monster by presenting to it what looked to be a frozen dairy treat! Squidasaurus Rex inspects the dessert before downing it in one gulp. Squidasaurus takes a deep breath. It appears the offering has soothed its rage some. Rex then ferociously exhales, causing a continuous stream of bright green smoke to come barreling out of his mouth. The beam is powerful enough to disintegrate anything it touches, even if it just whiffs it. Buildings are leveled, people are implied to be burned alive to a crisp, others could barely take even being exposed to the toxic fumes. The mouth beam reaches its final destination: The Chum Bucket. The Chum Bucket explodes upon impact, leaving nothing but a noxious mushroom cloud in its wake. Meanwhile, back at Squidward’s, his argument with Frenchy is interrupted by the timely shockwaves created from the impact of Squidasaurus’ rancid breath. A breaking news bulletin pops up on Squidward’s tv screen. Perch Perkins is reporting LIVE from the heart of Bikini Bottom, where a large, grating creature has just finished reducing the city and its inhabitants to rubble and ash! He reports that attempts to appease the creature in a non-lethal fashion have backfired horribly on the town! And they’re paying for it! They are ALL paying for it! Dear Neptune, what did we do to deserve this!? Wasn’t the Krabby Patty Apocalypse enough?! WASN’T IT?!!!? It then cuts to a Realistic Fish Head reporting on the ever increasing number of casualties, estimated to be in the thousands at this rate. With the greatest casualty of all no doubt being the bowling alley. Fish Head recaps the Navy’s utter failure to neutralize the threat. Describing how everything at their disposal proved ineffective against the prehistoric titan. Not even the device with spiked rollers that was specifically designed by the Navy’s top scientists to mangle Squidward proved fruitful in its use. He then gives it away to the Bikini Bottom’s Men Choir, who have since composed a “prayer for peace” in the form of a song. They get about a minute and a half in before they, too, are suddenly vaporized by the rancid breath for not letting Squidasaurus Rex join their ranks. This news break is soul-crushing for Frenchy. He danced around the problem at hand for his own purposes and now an entire city has suffered the consequences for his continued inaction. Squidward is just shocked by the fact that the Navy had such a device specifically designed to harm him. He decides “to hell with Bikini Bottom” now as Frenchy resolves that he must now find a way to slay the creature. Their respective character developments put them at odds once again, now on opposite sides of the argument.
  16. Episode 3: Losing Emotional Weight Even later that same day, the Valentine’s Day Support Group are seen holding their bi-weekly meeting in Larry’s Gym, with Larry the Lobster presiding. The support group’s membership consists of those who were victimized during that fateful Valentine’s Day all that time ago. Larry spots yet another crude piece of street art insinuating that SpongeBob is a SLUT on his gym’s entrance doors. He wants whoever is doing that around town to stop it, assuming that it must be one of the members of his group. That fateful Valentine’s Day has left everyone attending with scars, both physical and emotional, and Larry wants to put his ph.d in self care to good use by helping people get over their trauma by living more like him. He wants all the attendees to get a good three hour pump in with minimal breaks before their meeting can commence. When the three hours are finally up, they all circle around in the gym’s sauna to share their feelings to the group. Betty is the first to share, telling the group that her husband, Creighton, couldn’t join them this evening because the pain of his injuries was too much for him to wanna go out. She confides in the group that he has emotionally withdrawn himself.He’s stopped taking his prescribed medication. She blames herself by dragging him to the damned carnival. If she hadn’t egged him into taking her, none of this would’ve happened. Larry tries comforting her by saying that nobody counted on things turning out like they did and that she shouldn’t blame herself for the current state of her marriage. From what it sounds like, Creighton should be the one shouldering the blame for not trying hard enough to fight for what he still has. Because at Larry’s Gym, “if you ain’t trying, you’re better off just dying”. He tells her that that’s a harsh truth, but the key word there is “harsh”. Because at Larry’s Gym “if you’re not being harsh on yourself, you’re not being honest with yourself”. He advises that Creighton needs to get his shit together, lest Betty finds herself someone who has got their shit together. At least, that’s how Larry would live out her situation. The next to speak is Dave, who starts off by recounting the encounter he had with both SpongeBob and Squidward earlier in the day. He says that going to the Krusty Krab has become difficult for him lately because SpongeBob is always working. He’s tried and he’s tried pushing his feelings for SpongeBob to the very back of his mind, but the fact remains that SpongeBob is always ON his mind. Dave can’t help but replay the scenario of that day in his head over and over again. What was it that he did wrong? Was it something he said? He only approached SpongeBob as he was in the middle of a conversation to thank him for the roses he gifted him and then wished him a happy Valentine’s Day. Was there something he could have possibly done differently? These thoughts have haunted Dave ever since. Fran interjects and reminds Dave that SpongeBob was just stringing them all along as a part of his sick, twisted little game. He gave her a box of chocolates that very same day, and she ended up getting burned for it literally. She once againshows the group the burns scars she sustained from the chocolate hot air balloon exploding. She then goes so far as to imply that he pushed that “chubby, pink starfish over the edge too”. Betty doesn’t want Fran to even bring up that cretin around her. Hearing just his description is enough to drive her crazy. Larry tries to regain control of the room and asks Larry: Did any of you ever think that maybe SpongeBob was just trying to be nice to everybody that day? You know, because he’s just a nice guy? Dave: He is nice. He was the nicest guy any of us knew! Fran: If he were really “nice”, he would’ve just stayed a one valentine man. He was the first person that day to give me anything. And at the time, for the first time in a long time, it made me actually feel like someone special. Like I really was his special someone. Do you think I accepted anything else after? No! Betty: His playing around with people’s emotions critically injured my husband! Sensing tensions flaring at an all time high, Larry tries shifting the attention away from SpongeBob by bringing attention to a new member of their group; Bubble Bass. Larry introduces Bubble Bass as someone who was hurt that day in a much different way than everyone else. And hopefully his story of survival will help offer the others clarity. The group recognize Bubble Bass as that klepto who kept all their things under his tongue, charges he vehemently denies, but that’s besides the point. He claims to be a victim just as much as anyone else there. Like them, his heart was broken too that day. However, his was broken because he received nothing at all! At least SpongeBob thought of them that day. SpongeBob didn’t even bother to think of him, and why was that? Because Bubble Bass offered him the first honest piece of constructive criticism in his life?! Bubble Bass drops the bombshell that he couldn’t even be at the carnival that day because no one bothered asking him out to it. They all got to experience at least something good that day unlike him, who was forced to spend it involuntarily with his mother. As expected, the group doesn’t take kindly to him putting his non-problems above their own, and this all proceeds to blow up in Larry’s face. Larry’s hand is forced and he must intervene on Bubble Bass’ behalf and pull him away from his beating. Bubble Bass: I knew you all wouldn’t understand! You Chads and Tiffanies all had that chubby, pink starfish coming! Betty breaks away from the group and pounces Bubble Bass for mentioning that accursed starfish again, but Larry promptly breaks them up. Bubble Bass: You deserved to have your hearts broken and lives ruined! And you deserve it all again! The group chases Bubble Bass out of the sauna and into the night. Dave is later seen walking back to his boatmobile, still parked in the parking lot of Larry’s Gym. He gets in his vehicle and the scene with SpongeBob in Valentine’s Day replays in his head again. Patrick (flashback): And even though I was expecting more- Dave (flashback): Thanks for the roses, SpongeBob. Happy Valentine’s Day. SpongeBob (flashback): You too, Dave Dave (flashback): *walks off* Dave (present): Perhaps I did deserve it… His train of thought is suddenly interrupted by the sight of Heart Man in his rear view mirror. Heart Man reaches over from the backseat and grabs Dave’s head with one hand and takes a rose stem to his neck with the other, slitting Dave’s throat wide open using the rose’s thorns. Blood squirts out onto his windshield, coating it in red. Notes The song that plays on Dave’s car radio during his death scene is “Every Rose Has its Thorn” by Poison Trivia Betty was seen in the original Valentine’s Day episode waiting in line for a ride alongside her husband before Patrick attacked them Fran was seen in the original Valentine’s Day episode, being the first incidental to thank SpongeBob for his valentines gift. She was also addressed by name by SpongeBob himself
  17. Episode 2: Several Skipped Valentine’s Specials Later… We open up to a Bikini Bottom post-Valentine’s Day, one day after New Year’s. The town has long since banned Valentine’s Day in the ensuing fallout of that day’s unfortunate events. Stores could no longer carry items used to celebrate the occasion that would just end up not selling anyway, let’s be honest. Roses were outright outlawed and anything heart-shaped or made of chocolate quickly became public enemy number one. PDA’s happening anytime in February would get you an entire month in the slammer minimum, whereas scheduling so much as a single date with your significant other could see you both thrown in prison for one year. Yes, the mayor of Bikini Bottom has cracked down hard on this accursed holiday. And somehow, he got re-elected for it. Most welcomed the complete washing away of Valentine’s Day. Others felt that the rest of the year just simply isn’t enough to show their special someone that they truly love them. To them, they needed this one specific day that everyone saw coming a year away to get their points across in a spontaneous manner. With our world building out of the way, we can finally start this love story off properly at the Krusty Krab, where Squidward is seen thinking to himself out loud that “everybody’s an idiot but me” and wearing his “I Sure Wish I Can Share PDA’s With My Significant Other” button in protest of the town’s stilted view on Valentine’s Day. He notices some graffiti drawn onto the restaurant’s glass door, consisting of a crude drawing of SpongeBob with the word “SLUT” being pointed right at it. Squidward quickly goes to clean it up as soon as he hears SpongeBob’s “I’m Ready”’s in the distance. He greets SpongeBob with his usual scowl as soon as he enters through the swinging doors. Once SpongeBob makes his way into the kitchen, a customer named Dave approaches Squidward with disdain and questions why he erased such poignant street art. Squidward, being something of an artist himself, offers a thinly veiled jab at Dave in the form of an honest critique on the piece. Squidward says that the piece was meant to imply that SpongeBob is a “slut”, which Squidward believes deep, deep down that he is not. Dave tries rationalizing that Squidward’s take is a result of him being “SpongeBob’s first catch of that day”. Squidward refutes that claim by saying that SpongeBob giving him that heart wasn’t a romantic gesture, but one friend showing care for another. Dave doesn’t take kindly to that explanation, saying that what he, himself, and SpongeBob had was special. Dave reveals that SpongeBob gave him roses that day, which is more than what any heart-shaped card could ever amount to. Squidward royally pisses Dave off by quipping “Which way to the Lonely Heart’s Club meeting? Don’t be late!” Dave punches Squidward square in his big nose, inciting a brawl inside the restaurant. SpongeBob, being the only other employee on the clock, quickly comes out to break things up by putting himself between the two. Dave insults the two, spitefully yelling that “two birds of a feather fuck together!” This finally gains the attention of Mr. Krabs, who is forced to come out of his office, where he does absolutely nothing with money whatsoever. Krabs offers Dave a meal on Mr. Squidward as a make good for his employee’s transgression before telling Squidward that he can take that cheeky button of his and PDA himself during his “extended break”. Dave indulges in his all expense paid meal, commenting that “at least someone working here has some integrity”. Back in the kitchen, after everything has settled down, SpongeBob is seen bandaging Squidward's nose with a first aid kit. An awkward silence fills the room before Squidward finally breaks it by asking SpongeBob if he really meant it with that heart he gave him that fateful morning. Of course SpongeBob meant it when he handed it over to him with all his heart. But Squidward wants a more solid answer. He wants to know, definitively, if SpongeBob “really, REALLY meant it”. “Yes, Squidward. I really, REALLY meant it.” “And what of the others you handed out that day? The gifts, the chocolate, the roses, the fucking bike? Did you also give all that away with all your heart??” “Why yes, I-I meant it all…for just about everybody…” Squidward’s eyes watered just a little, but he didn’t want to give SpongeBob the satisfaction, that pleasure, of seeing him emotionally vulnerable. “Well I sure hope you did mean it all with all your heart, SpongeBob. Because you’ve broken mine, and so many others.” A dejected Squidward leaves SpongeBob alone in the kitchen with these words. Before he can fully leave the premises, however, he is stopped by his boss, who continues to reprimand him. The conversation then awkwardly transitions to Krabs asking Squidward what exactly SpongeBob put in that Valentine’s card of his that fateful day. He only asks because Mrs. Puff received a heart-shaped card from SpongeBob that day too, and he can’t help but picture “Poppy going dutch” with SpongeBob with every moment Krabs spends with her. Squidward refuses to divulge any sensitive information and leaves in a huff. Later that same day, Squidward is seen drowning his sorrows in bon bons and toasting canned bread in the bathtub to make for a pretty sensical scenario. He calls up Squilvia on his shellphone, knowing full well that it’s been a long time since she was last in his life and he in her’s, and tells her that he’s had “more than enough time to think about it” and has decided that he wants to pursue consummating a relationship with her. Squilvia tells him that it’s too late, she’s already found another dickhead boyfriend. Squilliam Fancyson gets on the call and tells Squidward to “use a sponge” the next time he decides to consummate anything and hangs up. Not wanting to take this lying down, Squidward opts to fight for Squilvia’s love by calling her back but gets her voicemail instead, which is just Squilliam repeating the same line over again. “Squilvia, I know I flaked out like a bitch on you. I said I needed some time to myself to get my head straight and address some unwanted feelings, but I’m over all of that now! You were right, he’s a slut! SpongeBob’s a huge fucking slut! I never should’ve let that moment of weakness, that memory, all those years ago overtake the very real feelings I had for you! Squilvia, I love you, honest! With all my HEART, MAN-“ Squidward frantically moves out of the way of his bathroom mirror, his toaster suddenly crashing into it, shattering the glass. Squidward scrambles away, looking back to catch a glimpse of the Heart Man standing before him. The costume looked tattered, worn and has seen better days. It appears to have been stitched vertically, right down the middle. Some sort of cheaply done effort to repair the damage that Patrick had done to it, no doubt. Squidward wonders aloud how it’s possible for Heart Man to still be around. He was put away, done away with a long time ago. But before he could finish his thoughts, Heart Man grabs hold of a displaced mirror shard and stabs away at Squidward. Squidward is soon covered in hundreds of deep cuts, bleeding out all over. Heart Man grabs Squidward and holds his head over the tub, seemingly looking to drown him, but ends up surprising with a slice to the throat. Squidward coughs and chokes up blood as Heart Man dumps Squidward’s entire body into the tub. Squidward struggles to make his way back up but his grave injuries make it difficult. He’s able to make out his toaster descending into the bath water next to him. Right when Squidward realizes the severity of that, the water decides to electrify with him in it. The water bubbles and turns redder and redder as his body ceases to move at the bottom of the tub. Reduced to being this love story’s opening kill. Notes The song that Squidward has playing on his Blotify during the bathroom scene is “Too Much Love Will Kill You” by Queen Trivia Dave appears in the original “Valentine’s Day” episode, being addressed by name by SpongeBob himself
  18. YouTubers and the like quickly made quitting and taking hiatuses in 2024 tacky, so I’m back. Plot: A holiday slasher in Bikini Bottom. Episode 1: Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre This episode recaps the tragic events of the SpongeBob episode, “Valentine’s Day”. We see Patrick Star, in all his chubby, pink gory, terrorizing the Bikini Bottom Valentine’s Day Carnival. The massacre begins when Patrick uses his weight to jump up and down in his Ferris wheel seat, which dislodges the ride entirely off the ground with each impatient leap he makes in anticipation of SpongeBob’s valentines gift. But in his excitement, he unknowingly causes a handful of other passengers to be forcefully ejected from the Ferris wheel. At least some of them presumably fall to their untimely deaths. The slaughter continues when Patrick finally snaps at the shocking revelation that SpongeBob has had numerous valentines behind his back (he practically handed out his heart to everyone in that episode), and they each were given a much better gift than just a friendly handshake. Patrick is shown grabbing a man just asking for the time and yeeting him to a supposed offscreen demise, he grabs another man by his pants and drops him on the ground violently in front of his wife, he murders a balloon stand in broad daylight, rips Heart Man clean in half, stripping his undisguised variant down to just his underwear, commits attempted murder on the Chair-O-Planes ride that then led to the deaths of even more riders who chose to jump from their seats to escape his firm grasp, he traumatizes a little girl for life by bisecting her lollipop in front of her and devouring the remains like a mad man. His rampage concludes when he corners a crowd of whoever’s left on the edge of the pier. He threatens to “break them” despite their best efforts to soothe his impotent rage with half-hearted, re-gifted valentines gifts. The crowd eventually sacrifices the rather promiscuous SpongeBob in a joint effort to save their own skins, but their skins are ultimately saved when Sandy finally decides to show up with Patrick’s actual Valentine’s Day gift; a chocolate balloon which he proceeds to blow up immediately, dousing everyone and everything in what I can only presume to be scalding hot chocolate. When it’s all said done, lives have been both lost and ruined in the wake of Patrick’s reckoning. Bodies are stretchered out, either salvaged from the chocolate or fished out from nearby waters. SpongeBob, Sandy and especially Patrick are let off scot-free while Heart Man’s undisguised variant is taken in by police for public indecency. Yes, this is pretty much the opening act of Thanksgiving. Trivia The title of this spin-off is a play on such episode titles as “Squilliam Returns”, “Bubble Buddy Returns” and “Spot Returns”, while also continuing their tradition of being follow-ups
  19. Today makes 13 years since I first joined this joint on my og account. You know what means?! It’s due to be decommissioned by the KND! Unless you adhere to the join date on my current account, in which case I’ll see you back here in about 7 months.

  20. There’s a wild Squid Noir fanfiction to be had here.
  21. “Harmonygon” is the icing on the harmonic cake
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