Old Man Jenkins

“The Salacious Six” After blowing through a Morcoitilln dollars in record time, SpongeBob is forced to “return the Spongyverse to its roots”, as he calls it. Back is the shoestring budget and his friends taking on more roles in the cast. Aarfin Taylor-Johnson had a scheduling conflict with Nosferatu’s movie. The only actor who bothered reprising their role was Jared Weto after “Planktron: Kares” flopped at the box office. Not even the bartender from Suckem 3 wanted to return. He had to be replaced by the waiter who hates his life from Goofy Goobers. Following the formation of their dangerous alliance at the very end of “Morcoitus”, Dr. Michael Morcoitus and The Salvager are cold on the trail for Earth-67’s Mermaid Man. So cold, that they’re shivering. Staging various attacks and feasting on various poops across New Kelp City isn’t enough to lure the hero and his young ward out of hiding. They soon feel the need to hire Cravin the Overfishers’ services in hunting the supposed hero down. Cravin’s skills leads them to the Krusty Krab franchise located in Fort Lox, the site of a fairly recent Naggy Daddy heist orchestrated by the deplorable Kelp-Thing. The Salacious Trio takes the restaurant’s proprietor into his office and torture him for information as to the whereabouts of the heroic figure who thwarted the Kelp-Thing’s plot. Before they can ask him for the color of their underwear, Tarakhan’s overfishing forces descend upon the scene and whisks them all away in a huge net. Tarakhan takes them onto his boat, laying down the law that he’s the most evil villain in this movie now. But his assertion of dominance is challenged when the Suckem spawn from the end of “Suckem: Getting Every Last Suck In” suddenly appears from under the boat, having abandoned his previous bartender host and had latched himself onto Tarakhan’s boat hull ever since. Suckem then latches himself onto the character he deems to be the most evil, The Proprietor. With The Proprietor fully assimilated to the suckerfish hive mind that was previously established during the ending of “Suckem: Let There Be Suckage”, Suckem is able to convey his alternate universe counterpart’s memories of Mermaid Man to the rest of the team, which is quite frankly fucking useless in this universe. However, he is eventually able to contribute something useful in the form of every known Mermaid Man’s connection to one Madamazon River. Suckem offers to lead them all to her so that they can use her to get their revenge on Mermaid Man for what he’s done to alternate versions of themselves in completely separate universes. Suckem leads them all back to New Kelp City, right where The Salvager and Morcoitus started just a couple blocks away. They lay siege to Madamazon River’s apartment/lair/place thing shown at the end of her movie, where she and the three future Mermaid Women are struggling to make rent. Speaking of which, The Land Lord makes his presence felt by once again asking the ladies where his rent is. With the three future Mermaid Women still not yet becoming the Mermaid Women they’re eventually meant to be, Madamazon River forms an uneasy alliance with the five evil villains to defeat The Land Lord once and for all, which they manage to accomplish thanks to duty-free stock footage of real life crabs fighting. With The Land Lord defeated, the newly formed Salacious Six can now focus their combined efforts on this universe’s Mermaid Man, who Madamazon River has also grown to hate due to him ghosting her clairvoyant calls to him and thus actively keeping the three future Mermaid Women from fulfilling their destinies of becoming Mermaid Women. She reveals that the last time she tried making contact with him, his location was pinged as being in a cave in Fort Lox. The Salacious Six proceed to carpool their way back to Fort Lox. On the ride over, the members of the slapdashed team have their obligatory in-fighting over who will be their leader, which The Salvager wins by virtue of coming from a better movie than all of theirs combined. They soon arrive at Mermaid Man’s last known location, a sort of lair of some sort built into some random cave. They scavenge the place for the object of their disdain, or at least something relevant to him. Cravin unearths Mermaid Man’s own Mermaid Credit Card, which they then use to run up his credit in order to lure him to them. The owner of the credit card is able to track them through their exorbitant purchases, but it’s not quite the owner they were counting on. In yet another instance of Drippy Brother meddling/post-production washing out of Mermaid Man from the franchise, a CGI Barnacle Bill superimposed over Mermaid Man confronts The Salacious Six and beats their collective asses around for ruining his credit. Speaking of Drippy Brother meddling, The Salvager is transported back to his original universe mid-fight because Kevin Feige the Sea Cucumber said so. Now at a major disadvantage, The Salacious Six get their butts kicked twice as hard. Suckem leaves The Proprietor for dead as he opportunistically tries latching onto Barnacle Bill instead, which he does successfully. With Suckem assimilating Barnacle Bill to their side, the dark side, The Salacious Six achieve their goal of truly making this universe free of a Mermaid Man-like figure. However, they’re still one member short of a full Salacious Six following Salvager’s untimely departure. The movie ends with them plotting to break Kelp-Thing out of Fort Lox Prison in order to recruit him for their “Salacious Initiative”. In a post-credits scene, Madamazon River reminds the others (Kelp-Thing now included) that there’s still the matter of the baby Mermaid Man that was born in her movie. The Salacious Six unite to kill a toddler, I guess. FIN

“Cravin the Overfisher” Following the death of his mother, Ilya Pissinoff (played by Aarfin Taylor-Johnson, who was specifically sought after for the role after SpongeBob saw him as Tangerine Storm in Bullet Boat) and his half-brother Alexei are taken by their father Vladimir Pissinoff to prepare to take over his commercial fishing operations. During a fishing trip in Gansabaai, South Africa, Ilya is injured protecting his brother from a rare leopard seal. The leopard seal then brings him to a girl named Naunet, who heals him with mysterious power of godly origin and calls for rescue, leaving a Mermaid credit card behind. Ilya discovers his physical attributes have become animalistic. When Vladimir reveals he killed the sea leopard to teach his sons a lesson, a disgusted Ilya flees to a fish sanctuary owned by his mother in Russia. Sixteen years later, Ilya, now going by Cravin (after his voracious leopard seal-esque appetite), is a vigilante who hunts fishermen who dare overfish in or around sanctuary waters. After killing a seal fur harvester on Tyuleniy Island, Cravin travels to London for Alexei’s birthday. Their reunion is short-lived when sea bear mercenaries abduct Alexei. When Vladimir refuses to pay the ransom, Cravin tracks down Naunet, now working as a paralegal for her boss, the Egyptian god of the primordial watery abyss, Nun, and threatens to run up her mermaid credit to get her to help. Meanwhile, Alexei meets the man behind his kidnapping, Ivan Jerkov, who took part in an experiment granting him the strength and visage of a sea rhinoceros. Ivan proposes an alliance to overthrow Vladimir’s hold on the fish market. Discovering Cravin’s connection to Alexei, Ivan lures him to a monastery in the Sea of Marmara, but Cravin survives the ambush encircling the entire monastery in a large, perfect anti-sea bear circle. Ivan hires the Flamboyant Cuttlefish, an assassin who uses ocular hypnosis to disorient his targets, to kill Cravin. Tracking Cravin and Naunet to his sanctuary, Ivan and the Flamboyant Cuttlefish ambush Cravin. Drugging him with tetrodotoxin, the Flamboyant Cuttlefish attacks Cravin but Naunet kills him with a harpoon and uses her godly sea powers to revive Cravin. Ivan later mourns the loss by making the weirdest fucking vocal noise put to film. Look it up. Cravin then uses a sea bear stampede to lure and trap Ivan, who, despite turning into the Sea Rhino and briefly overpowering Cravin, is killed when Cravin reveals he is wearing his patented anti-sea rhinoceros undergarments. Coming to the conclusion that Valdimir was the one who revealed his existence to Ivan, Cravin tracks his father for answers. Vladimir reveals that he knew Ivan was targeting him and manipulated his sons to take him off the board. Cravin steals Vladimir’s spears and harpoons so that his father will be killed by a sea bear that he unleashes into his office One year later, Cravin hears Alexei’s voice in his head and is shocked that he has willingly inherited their father's fishing empire. Having gained cockroach powers from the doctor who experimented on Ivan (having chosen this power set specifically due to being called a “roach” all his life), Alexei reveals this to Cravin and states that despite his claims of being morally superior, he and Vladimir were the same: overfishers craving for more in the next great fishing spot. Alexei then gives Cravin the slip by escaping his ear and flying off to the peace, freedom, justice and security of his new empire. That we’ll never ever see or experience for ourselves. At home, Cravin discovers a note from Vladimir along with a vest made from the fur of the leopard seal Vladimir killed long ago, which he puts on, fully cementing himself as a totalhypocrite just like the rest of his deadbeat ass family, and therefore a villain from here on out. In a post-credits scene, Alexei, now going by the moniker “Tarakhan”, is seen at the Krusty Krab, appearing much more roach-like than ever before. He hammers out a deal with the proprietor to use the restaurant’s property as his latest fishing spot. They seal the deal with a delicious Krabby Patty. The movie ends with the roach enjoying said patty. This was an Aquaman 2 reference. Tarakhan’s new empire will, in fact, return…

“Suckem: Getting Every Last Suck In” After being transported to Earth-69 by Professor Peculiar’s spell in “Mermaid Man: No Way Retirement Home”, Ridley Kemp and the Suckem parasite are drunk in a bar in the Gulf of Mexico. As the bartender fills them in about the Mermaid Cinematic Universe’s Hermanos and the Limitless Boulders, they are forced back to their home universe on Earth-67, to the same bar in their universe’s Gulf of America. Still on the run after their recent battle with Suckage, the apparent murder of detective Patrick Morray makes international headlines which prompts Ridley, who has been deemed the prime suspect, to set out to New Kelp City in an attempt to clear his name. But not before unwittingly leaving a bit of Suckem at the bar. A retcon SpongeBob was forced to make from the No Way Retirement Home ending because Kevin Feige the Sea Cucumber saw that shit stinking up his movie and was like, “who the fuck is this?!” A creature known as a Grouper Trooper has begun secretly tracking Ridley and Suckem. The recent events catch the attention of Rex Hardass, a soldier who oversees SHIELD- I mean, GUN- I mean, BLUNT OBJECT, a government operation at the site of the soon-to-be-decommissioned Treedome 51 for the capture and study of other extraterrestrial parasites that have fallen to Earth. Patrick Morray, revealed to have survived his encounter with Suckage, is captured after being left for dead by the space sucker, no, the ONE SINGULAR THING this sequel had going into it, Suckin, who eluded Hardass’ soldiers entirely offscreen because it knew better than to have its big coming out party be in the Spongyverse. Morray is bonded with one of many contained, and most importantly, unnamed space suckerfish and is questioned by BLUNT OBJECT researchers Dr. Whozit and Sadie Whatzit to learn about the parasites’ purpose on Earth before Hardass is ordered to bring Suckem down. While attaching themselves to the side of a boat bound for New Kelp City, Ridley and Suckem are attacked by the Grouper Troopers tracking them and are forced to drop into the Nevada Gulch. Suckem explains to Ridley that Grouper Troopers were unleashed into the universe by the space suckerfishes’ creator Null to retrieve a Phallix, forged when a space suckerfish revives its host, which Null hopes can free him from the prison the space suckerfish race trapped him in long ago. Having previously reviving Ridley in the first movie (which I hope you remember because I sure fucking don’t), Suckem and Ridley are now carrying a Phallix in them, which the Grouper Troopers have tracked to Earth. After being ambushed by Hardass and his team of hardasses, Ridley barely escapes from them and the Grouper Troopers. Ridley meets High Tide (played by the same actor who portrayed The Amphibian in 2012’s “Confounding Mermaid Man” for reasons I refuse to decipher at this point) and his family of traveling hippies who offer Ridley a free ride to Bass Vegas on their way to see Treedome 51 before its inevitable closure. Meanwhile, Patrick Morray’s new space suckerfish whose name didn’t fit in the budget informs Hardass of Null’s intentions for the Phallix, which can only be destroyed if either Ridley or Suckem dies. Arriving in Bass Vegas, Ridley and Suckem run into Mrs. Swai at a hot air balloon/casino. Suckem sucks every last ounce of life left in her character, which wasn’t even that much, before being ambushed by the Grouper Troopers again. Haddass’ crack team of hardasses arrive, separates Suckem from Ridley (ouch) and takes them to Treedome 51 where Ridley shares the least touching reunion with Patrick Morray, who is practically an entirely different character at this point. Sadie Whatzit frees Suckem, who re-bonds with Ridley after Hardass decides to be a hardass about things and shoots him. This ever so slightly more touching reunion attracts the Grouper Troopers to the base, which causes Patrick Morray to fuck right off out of the movie. Suckem has the other confined space suckerfish released, which bonds with Sadie and other faceless mooks in the vicinity in order to act as more sacrificial lambs to the Grouper Troopers, who have signaled to Null that the Phallix has been found. Null sends more Troopers through portals to Earth like a fucking Power Rangers villain, overwhelming the space suckerfish. Realizing he must sacrifice himself to destroy the Phallix and save the universe, Suckem attaches himself to all the Grouper Troupers at once, leads them into tartar sauce tanks, and bids Ridley farewell before ejecting him as a mortally wounded Hardass sacrifices himself to summon Hans to have him eat Suckem and the Groupers. Dr. Whozit bonds with a space suckerfish to save Sadie, who’s married to a fucking doodle now. I don’t know anymore. I don’t care. A doodle got married before I did. It’s over, mang, it’s over. Ridley later wakes up in a hospital, where a military official informs him that his actions with Suckem at Treedome 51 have earned him nothing, No MCU money and bitches. Ridley loses, good day sir. He is then taken to the same prison The Salvager fucked off to at the end of Morcoitus. In a mid-credits, Null declares that the universe is no longer safe from him now that Suckem has sucked his last suck, but he is immediately rendered null and void (see what I did there with his name?) because ain’t no way his shit is being brought back up again. I’ll die before his shit is ever followed up on. I’ll make sure of it. In a post credits scene, the bartender from “Mermaid Man: No Way Retirement Home” - who was taken into custody by Hardass shortly after Ridley left for New Kelp - escapes the burned remains of Treedome 51. He crawls out of the rubble next to a broken vial that previously contained a sample of the Suckem space parasite. Cue the new Eminem joint. The “No Way Retirement Home” Bartender will return…yes, this is the real Suckem origin story

This is the real Karate Kid Legends

Was eating good in the Target clearance section the other day. Doom ended up getting marked down to $20.99 when I checked again yesterday

just gonna go ahead and skip doing Across The Spider-Verse. Just imagine a bunch of jokes equating the treatment of animators to SpongeBob’s treatment of Gary in The Great Snail Race. “Madamazon River” A research team in the AmAzOn RiVeR iN pErU led by a pregnant Constance Eell in 1973 discovers an unidentified underwater dwelling species with rare healing properties that local legends call the “yacaruna”. Ezekiel Miscast, the man Constance hired for protection and security, goes against his character’s comic accurate origins and betrays the team, claiming the power of the yacaruna for himself by having a gay one night stand with one of them, as per the local lore I found on google. He then shoots Constance in a struggle once it becomes apparent that all of his dialogue will be badly dubbed from here on out and he leaves Constance to die. A yacaruna tribesman attempts to save Constance by having her consent to a mating ritual in order to pass the previously established healing properties onto her. However, she dies shortly after spontaneously giving birth to her daughter, Cassandra. Thirty years later, Cassandra Eell, now going by "Cassie", because what else can you call her for short? “Assie”? Screw it, I’m immature. Assie now works as a paramedic in New Kelp City alongside her co-workers Ben (or Jonathan) Huckler and O'Neil. Just O’Neil. After displaying somewhat alarming feelings of wuhever about her job that involves saving lives on a regular basis, they get a dangerous rescue call where she falls into the water and has a near-death experience. Ben (or Jonathan) revives Assie, but she begins to experience visions of the blonde hick chick with bad pigtails and missing teeth-variety. Initially, she dismisses them as mere subliminal messages, but after failing to prevent O'Neil's death which came as a result of SpongeBob going over budget and thus was forced to cut O’Neil’s role short in post, Assie realizes she can see into the future. That’s So Assie. Ezekiel, who has limited precognition power and enhanced aquatically physical abilities, uses the vast resources his powers have helped him accumulate over the years to collect information on three teenage girls. And I’ll just go ahead and leave it at that. His visions lead him to believe that they are destined to kill the Spongy Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy Universe because they’re all simply mermaid girls and not mermaid MEN. Assie is also drawn to the same mermaid girls and intervenes to stop Ezekiel from ambushing them at Clam Central Terminal. She steals a taxi and takes the girls out of the city to hide them in a nearby kelp forest. Assie returns to her apartment and finds her mother's notes which she apparently neglected to pay much attention to for all these years, which conveniently tell of Ezekiel's identity and the true nature of his character’s comic book origins. Ignoring Assie’s instructions, the girls go to a diner where Ezekiel finds them. After briefly incapacitating Ezekiel by ramming him with the stolen taxi, Assie takes the girls back to Sea Queens and they take refuge at Ben's (or Jonathan’s). Assie flies her ass to Peru and tracks down Amaru, the yacarunan tribal chief who had tried to save her mother. He puts her through a ritual that separates her further from her own comic book accuracy. She experiences a plane of higher consciousness where all living things are disconnected and every possible future can be seen. Assie learns that her mother sought the yacaruna not for fame or money by harvesting their previously established healing properties, as she had originally believed, but for the fame and money that’ll come once she saves the Spongy Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy Universe by finding a mermaid-adjacent male of some sort who can carry this fledgling universe on his back. Amaru tells her that accepting her role can unlock her true power. This entire Peruvian sequence took place within the span of an entire week btw. Ben's (or Jonathan’s) pregnant sister-in-law Mary (or Martha) goes into labor earlier than expected so he takes her to the hospital, along with the mermaid girls, who are seen on the street cameras when in the car. Sus Ezekiel intercepts them again, but Assie rescues the girls in a stolen ambulance this time and distracts Ezekiel so Ben (or Jonathan) and Mary (or Martha) can escape. The group lures Ezekiel to a condemned pie bomb factory and sets up traps to disorient him while Assie calls for a medical evacuation helicopter to fly to their location so that they can steal that too. He destroys the helicopter with one of his water balls before they could hijack it and uses a raging whirlpool to separate the girls, then taunts Assie with Constance's death. Assie uses her own mermaid-adjacent powers to guide the girls to safety, then lures Ezekiel into the final trap, which is a stolen boatmobile coated in invisible spray that fatally crushes him. An active pie bomb strikes her in the face, severely injuring her. The girls save Assie, and she is taken to the hospital just as Mary (or Martha) gives birth to her son, Legal Loophole (or Ernie [or Jim]). Assie wakes up to discover that she is now only an eel, which means she’s clinically unable to do anything. However, her yacarunan clairvoyance enables her to see the future much more clearly. She assures the girls that we only have two movies left, they won’t even get to use their mermaid powers even once and they’ll all ultimately amount to nothing in the grand scheme of things. But at least we got these costumes made! Sorry O’Neil.

Nibiru

Purple stuff

Jjs raiding the Nickelodeon vault to unearth this gem like

The Woman in the Yard: A surprisingly heavy, loaded lil horror movie I think I’m in the camp that likes this movie and respects/appreciates what it was trying to do with its themes. At the same time, I feel maybe I shouldn’t’ve watched it because of what it tries to tackle. Death of a Unicorn: Funny A24 joint. Predictable asf but I appreciate the violence and gore thrown in. Will Poulter did some heavy carrying for this imho. EDIT: had to delete a repeat post that strangely posted hours later, probably because of something to do with my tabs

I dedicated a whole SWYAD profile change to it, so it’s gotta be UMD

Forgot these were also technically part of the Sonyverse. Heheh oops. Thanks to SpongeBob’s best efforts to make Morcoitillion a new unit of money measurement to prove that Morcoitus was profitable, Morcoitus managed to turn in a profit of tree-fitty and some change. SpongeBob would invest these earnings into an entire animation department at Spongy Pictures, with which he would produce the first ever animated Mermaid Man movie aptly titled “Barnacle Star: Into the Mermaid-Verse” New Kelp City teenager Patrick Starales (voiced by Patrick Star) struggles to live up to the expectations of his father, police officer Marty Starales (voiced by Marty), who sees Mermaid Man as a mere menace. Patrick’s uncle Sluggo takes him to an abandoned subway station to blow giant paint bubbles and pop them onto the walls as a way to cheer him up. There, Patrick is bitten by a radioactive barnacle and somehow gains abilities similar to Mermaid Man. Returning to the station where he got bit, he discovers an “In Case of Bomb, Break Universe” machine built by the Big Kahuna (played by the Ice Cream King), who hopes to access parallel universes to abduct alternate versions of his late wife Squidnessa and son Squichard. Mermaid Man attempts to disable the universe breaker while fighting Big Kahuna’s enforcers, SeaLo Green (don’t get used to him) and Unc Status. SeaLo Green shoves Mermaid Man into the universe breaker, causing an explosion that kills the former and wounds the latter, who then gives Patrick a USB flash drive designed to single handedly save the universe, warning that the machine could destroy the universe if this movie somehow flops. After watching in horror as Big Kahuna murders Mermaid Man, Patrick flees. As the city mourns Mermaid Man’s death, Patrick tries to honor his legacy by becoming the new Mermaid Man, but inadvertently damages the drive five seconds in. At Mermaid Man’s grave, he meets Ernie (or Jim) B. Huckler, a middle-aged, world-weary variant of Mermaid Man from another dimension. The duo UNITE! in order to infiltrate Big Kahuna’s research facility to steal data for a new flash drive. After chucking a stray donut at some random scientist who definitely will not become important later, they are confronted by the head scientist Squilvia Octavius, who discovers that Ernie (or Jim) B. will die from cellular decay if he remains in their dimension. Patrick and Ernie (or Jim) B. are saved by Mindy Neptune (played by Princess Mindy at Patrick’s behest), a Mermaid Woman from another dimension. They visit Mermaid Man’s aunt, May Huckler, who is sheltering more Mermaid-People who slipped into Patrick’s universe from other dimensions due to the universe breaker’s influence: Mermaid Man Noir (played by Nicolbass Cage), Peni (or Penny) Huckler (played by Penny from “I Had an Accident”), and Pigulon (thank you modern SpongeBob for helping me justify a pig character), all of whom are also deteriorating. Patrick offers to help the others return home but they tell him he lacks the brain cells, which can’t be helped. Distraught, Patrick retreats to Sluggo’s home, where he discovers his uncle is Unc Status. SeaLo Green: OH DAMN He then flees to May's house, where the new drive is completed by Peni (or Penny); however, he is followed by Big Kahuna, Sluggo, Squilvia Octavius, Sea Scorpion, and Gravemarker. In the ensuing brawl, Patrick reveals his identity to Sluggo. Somehow failing to recognize his own nephew (it runs in the family), Sluggo attempts to kill Patrick Starales until he finally recognizes him right before this unc could officially update his nephew’s status to “Dead”. Uncle Sluggo is fatally shot by Big Kahuna not even for betraying him, but for being so fucking stupid as to not recognize his own nephew right away. Uncle Sluggo dies in Patrick’s arms tonight, but not before imparting some words of wisdom on to his nephew that his uncle Carl once told him; “with becoming an uncle, comes great status”. Sluggo reveals that he gained his powers the moment he became the cool uncle, but that the status went so much to his head that he began to think that doing bad things = being cool. Patrick’s last few brain cells appear to die alongside Uncle Sluggo as he flees right as Marty arrives on the scene. Marty too fails to recognize his son and mistakes him as his brother's murderer instead. The Mermaid-People regroup with an aloof Patrick. Not wanting to let Patrick get killed, Ernie (or Jim) B. restrains Patrick with his raging whirlpool and chooses to sacrifice himself by staying behind and deactivating the universe breaker. Marty arrives outside the door of Patrick’s dorm rock and apologizes for his constant baby-ing of him and underestimating his son before placing his faith in Patrick, inspiring him. Patrick manages to control his powers, escapes his restraints, and creates his own “Barnacle Boy” suit, deciding that he’s gonna go do his own thing. He joins the other Mermaid-People in defeating Big Kahuna’s enforcers, and uses the new drive to send their asses retirement home. Big Kahuna fights and overpowers Patrick, attracting Marty’s attention. Finally recognizing that this new “Barnacle Star” is not the brother-killing menace he saw him as, he encourages Patrick, who throws Big Kahuna at the universe breaker’s kill switch, destroying it. The universe is saved, Big Kahuna and his henchmen are arrested and Marty receives evidence of Big Kahuna’s murders of Sluggo and the first Mermaid Man. Patrick embraces his title of Barnacle Star and sets out to defend it by sleeping under his rock while his police radio goes off about various crimes around the city. Later, Mindy finds a way to contact Miles from her own dimension, which big mistake there. Elsewhere, Miguel (or Michael) O’Snara, also known as Mermaid Man 2099, travels to Earth-69 and argues with its Mermaid Man, who is revealed to be the Mermaid Man from the OG show within a show. And fanboys and daddy connoisseurs everywhere UNITE! in a euphoric symphony.

Thanks in part to it blowing up into a clearly unironic meme, as well as already breaking box office records all across the board by raking in roughly a Morcoitillion sand dollars, Spongy Pictures has made the the reasonable decision to release Morcoitus back into the world to Morcoitouble the profit.

“Morcoitus” Coming off the high of two successful Suckem films with very little to nothing to do at all with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, the Spongy Mermaid and Barnacle-verse was officially full steam ahead. The next slated project plopped onto SpongeBob’s lap was finally bringing Dr. Michael Morcoitus, the Vampire Squid From Hell, to the big screen! SpongeBob initially used his Suckem big bucks to cast Jared Weto in the title role, with the sponge actually thinking quite highly of the methodest actor’s turn as the infamous Clownfish in “Unalive Yourself Squad”. However, the actor’s method way of immersing himself in this role involved him mailing poop to all the crew members and then proceeding to eat said poop once they received it, which was annoying enough to get him kicked off the project. Having to recast on such short notice, Spongy executives ultimately settled on the slightly less annoying and pretentious, as well as relatively unknown, Squidward Tentacles. Insert your own version of a Spongyverse accurate “Morbin’ Time” joke here. Because I can’t fucking think of one myself. At a hospital in the Adriatic, 10-year-old octopus Michael Morcoitus welcomes his surrogate octopus brother Lucien, whom he renames Lotion; they dreadfully bond over their shared fate of death upon mating (as is the fate of most male cephalopods, look it up) and their desire to mate "normally without death having to be involved". Seeing Michael's potential, their adoptive father and hospital director Nicholas, whom Michael renames Nichol-ass, arranges for Michael to attend medical school in New Kelp City while he focuses on caring for Lotion. 25 years later, Michael publicly declines a Noble Doctor Award for his work towards prolonging cephalopod lives post-mating. His colleague Martine Bancroft, whom Michael renames Martine Handjob, discovers he has secretly captured dozens of vampire squids from the Mariana Trench in the hope of splicing their genes with his own to cure his condition of dying upon mating, since it’s been discovered that vampire squids are able to mate multiple times in their lifetimes without the threat of dying (look it up). Michael receives funding from Lotion (who is filthy stinking rich due to the fact that he’s played by Squilliam Fancyson III) to outfit a private mercenary vessel in international waters with his equipment. While the cure works, it transforms Michael into a vampire squid who kills and drains the crew of their rotting materials, poop and snot (look it up) after they attack him out of fear of being renamed to something more crass and immature. Once his pooplust subsides and he regains his senses, a horrified Michael erases all footage of his experiment before contacting authorities and jumping overboard. Michael returns to New Kelp City (which is obviously just Bikini Bottom with random cardboard boxes stacked up to simulate skyscrapers) and discovers he now has super strength, speed, hypnosis and echolocation, with his vampire squids treating him as one of their own. To control his pooplust, he subsists on New Kelp City sewage as it gradually ceases to satisfy his needs since it explicitly states on google that vampire squids feast mainly on dead matter. FBI agents Simon Trout and Al Codriguez, whom Michael renames Used Gym Sock and Codpiece respectively, investigate Michael's victims and deduce his involvement thanks to his rancid poop breath whenever they talk to him. Lotion learns that Michael is cured but becomes furious when Michael refuses to cure him as well. While checking on a hospitalized Martine, Michael finds a dead nurse, drained of her poop and snot. Believing he was responsible, he attempts to escape before being arrested by Used Gym Sock. In prison, he is visited by Lotion and realizes Lotion took his cure and killed the nurse. Michael Morcoitus escapes to confront him. An unrepentant Lotion urges Michael to embrace his powers as he has. Unwilling to hurt his brother, Michael flees. Michael meets Martine, acquires a new lab, and develops an antibody against vampire squidism to stop Lotion and to also use on himself. We are then treated to an interpretive dance scene of Lotion enjoying his completely recharged libido and newfound lease on life while watching the new Nosferatu movie. Used Gym Sock and Codpiece find footage of one of Lotion’s attacks and, believing Michael's vampire squidism to be spreading, release it to the media. Nichol-ass recognizes Lotion and pleads with him to stop because he’s breaking his heart. Angered by Nichol-ass’ perceived preference for Michael, Lotion mortally wounds him; Michael arrives too late to save him while Lotion also mortally wounds Martine. Michael summons an army of vampire squids to restrain Lotion and inject the antibody. Martine uses her last ounce of strength to tag in and proceeds to literally mate with Lotion to death, like in the ending of Nosferatu, to spare Michael from having to do the deed himself. Killing Lotion, I mean. The injected Lotion dies of natural male cephalopod causes, Martine dies in Michael’s arms tonight from something he said and Michael Morcoitus flies off with the vampire squids, mourning his loved ones and embracing his identity as a vampire squid. Unbeknownst to him, Martine is resurrected, having ingested a drop of Michael's snot as he fed on her dead body’s poop. That’ll become important in the sure-fire sequel. In the mid-credits scene, The Salvager (previously seen as the main villain of “Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Retirement Homecoming”!) is randomly transported to Michael Morcoitus’ universe from his own. The difference in catering quality between a Spongy Pictures and Drippy Brothers production is immediately noticeable by The Salvager’s actor, Michael Seaton. Coming to the perfectly sound and acceptable conclusion that Mermaid Man is somehow responsible, The Salvager approaches the fugitive Michael Morcoitus (whose Mermaid Man was completely scrubbed out during post-production and doesn’t even exist as far as I’m concerned) and suggests that they form a team in hopes of salvaging that long thought to be dead in the water “Sea-nister Six” movie. Which will definitely be greenlit after Morcoitus makes major fuck money at the box office across two theatrical runs.

“Suckem: Let There Be Suckage” In 1996, a young Craize E.S. Redhead watches helplessly as his lover, May Naze, is taken away from St. Ceto’s Home for Unwanted Children to the Ravenclam Institute. On the way, May, a born mutant (wait, we don’t have the rights to use that word. So let’s just use the term, “natural born freak”) uses her phenomenal powers to produce mayonnaise out of thin air to attack young police officer Patrick Morray the eel. Morray shoots May in the eye and suffers an injury to his ear due to her stuffing mayonnaise inside it. Unbeknownst to Morray, who believes he killed her, May is still taken to Ravenclam, where her abilities are restricted to simply making sandwiches for the staff. In the present day, Morray, now a detective, asks journalist Ridley Kemp to speak to “The Seaweed Medley Maniac”, Craize, at Bikini Bottom Maximum Security Prison, since Craize refuses to talk to anyone other than Ridley, who he has grown to develop quite the rapport with. Probably because Ridley is, in fact, a villain. After the visit, Ridley’s alien remora Suckem deduces where Craize has hidden the bodies of his victims using space remora powers, which gives Ridley a considerable career boost. Still under the watchful eye of the Federal Bureau of Investigating Acquaintances of the Bureau that’s Federal after the events of the first film, Ridley puts Suckem on a strict diet that completely cuts out the brains of criminals, which Suckem disapproves of. Ridley is contacted by his ex-fiancé, Just Anne, who tells him that she is now engaged to Dr. Flotsam, to Suckem’s displeasure. Craize, who has been found guilty of his crimes and sentenced to death by lethal injection, invites Ridley to attend his execution and tells him that it’s BYOB. Ridley speaks with Craize, who insults Ridley, provoking Suckem to attack Craize. In a more lore accurate take, this exhilarating experience causes Suckem to asexually reproduce an offspring that gets left behind and ends up bonding with the crazed maniac in his cell. Back home, Suckem has an argument with Ridley about wanting more freedom to eat criminals, and the parasite decides to leave Ridley’s body in rebellion and goes off on his own. As Craize’s execution begins, a red remora emerges and blocks the injection. Christened “Suckage”, it goes on a violent rampage through the prison, freeing inmates and killing guards. Suckage agrees to help Craize break May out of Ravenclam in exchange for Craize’s help eliminating Ridley and Suckem. Morray visits Ridley at home and warns him about the escalating situation, because all freelance investigative journalists are badasses. At Ravenclam, Craize frees May, and they travel to the St. Ceto’s children's home to burn it down. And, of course, killing a bunch of children in a fiery inferno automatically trumps matricide on the evil scale. Elevating the threat of Suckage to Maximum! Morray grows suspicious of Ridley after finding out what he did to those lobsters in the first movie and arrests him. Ridley contacts Just Anne as his lawyer and reveals that Suckem has separated from him. As Suckem makes his way through Bikini Bottom by hopping from body to body, Just Anne finds him bonded to Mrs. Swai, who I completely fucking forgot to include in the first movie, and convinces him to forgive Ridley by reminding him that this franchise doesn’t quite have the rights to any of the other characters who have canonically been his host. Suckem reunites with Ridley after first bonding with Just Anne to recreate She-Suckem *boing* break into the police station, and they escape custody. Together. Craize takes Morray hostage, and May captures Just Anne, taking them both to Tethys Cathedral where Craize and May plan to get married. Ridley and Suckem arrive to fight Suckage, while May Naze seemingly kills Morray by hanging him with a chain. Suckem is overpowered by Suckage but provokes May Naze into using her powers over mayonnaise to separate Suckage and Redhead, who are both devoured by Suckem (and just like that, the air is completely sucked out of this franchise and it’s all downhill from here, folks), while the collapsing cathedral crushes May Naze. Morray is revealed to be alive, and a blue space remora appears to be attached to his back, seemingly infected by a piece of Suckage. I’m sure that’ll be something of great importance! Ridley and Suckem, fully bum ass fugitives of justice, decide to take a vacation to the Gulf of Mexico while they ponder their next steps. In a mid-credits scene, as Suckem tells Ridley about the space remoras’ knowledge of other universes through their collective multiverse hive mind bullshit, a blinding light suddenly transports them from their seedy hotel room to another, poshier room where they watch C. Chauncey Clameson talking about Mermaid Man’s revealed identity as Ernie (or Jim) Huckler on television…as shown in the ending of IJLSA Adventure Movies’ “Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy: Far From Retirement Home”! Suckem then starts sucking on the tv glass showing Mermaid Man’s image. This will be something of great importance, I’m su- Mid-credits scene of “Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy: No Way Retirement Home” A very inebriated Ridley and Suckem are seen kicking it back in the IJLSA Adventure Movies’ much nicer version of the Gulf of Mexico (a universe where the IJLSA united in the first IJLSA Adventure Movie to prevent the BO Oil Spill), where they play catch up on the entire timeline of the IJLSA Adventure Movies Universe thanks to the always knowledgeable bartender. Ridley implies paying a visit to this “Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy”, which is merely designed to manipulate the audience into getting their hopes up, as Dr. Peculiar’s magic spell to erase everyone’s memory of Ernie (or Jim) Huckler takes effect and gives Spongy Pictures’ monstrosity the unceremonious boot from the only universe that matters. But Suckem leaves a piece of himself behind that has the power to defy both franchise’s logic, so let’s just see where that goes. I guess. The post-credits scene might as well just be the Drippy Bros waving their dicks around in SpongeBob’s mouth at this point. I told you this is Rated-R for good reason.

What better way to celebrate my 14th anniversary here on SBC than by posting a spin-off about spin-offs! And I’m already course correcting by making sure that it’ll be rated-R, and for very good reason, so apologies in advance to all the only sane men out there Franchise Synopsis: Following the dual release of Drippy Bros Studios and SpongeBob’s respective Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy adaptations, an all-out rights war broke out behind the scenes. The two sides would eventually come to a compromise, resulting in a licensing agreement that would see the newly formed Spongy Pictures “loan” Drippy Bros select characters to use in their IJLSA Adventure Movies Universe, so long as SpongeBob can continue to develop and produce his own separate yet loosely connected universe trailing far behind it! All in the hopes of giving the prestigious duo’s fanbase everything they could ever want in a big screen adaptation: everything BUT Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy “Suckem” With the IJLSA Adventure Movies’ recent releases of “Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Civil War” and “Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Retirement Homecoming” once again putting the MM & BB brand out there in the public zeitgeist, Spongy Pictures cashes in on this opportunity to finally release its long awaited spin-off based on the popular Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy villain, Suckem, after having suckered “The Dark Tide Rises” star Tom Hardshell into accepting the title role. “Suckem” revolves around struggling investigative journalist and sea turtle, Ridley Kemp, as he plots to relaunch his career by digging deeper into the SeaLife Foundation’s top secret research involving a meteor that recently plummeted into the ocean. Ridley’s source from inside the company, Dr. Dora Rem, who is opposed to the company’s inhumane experiments on live test subjects, grants Ridley unprecedented access into the Foundation’s Bikini Bottom facility, where things eventually go south and Ridley ends up unknowingly bonded to the parasitic life form that the Foundation managed to salvage from the meteor. The Foundation’s CEO, Vilan S. Figurehead, punishes Dora for her betrayal by subjecting her to the very same methods she had opposed, resulting in her demise. He then sends out a crack team of armed assailants to retrieve his rightful parasitic property, finding a clue in the form of Ridley’s press ID that got left behind in the chaos. The Foundation’s forces attack Ridley in his studio apartment, but are greeted by the timely resurgence of the parasite, who takes possession of Ridley’s body and uses him to fight them all off. Ridley is forced to flee and finds some sanctuary atop a nearby Neptunian Orthodox church, where the parasite lore drops his entire backstory onto Ridley, explaining that he’s an alien remora named Suckem who is from outer space, because if there can be alien jellyfish from outer space, why the fuck can’t the same be said for remoras? On his homeworld, Suckem is seen as somewhat of a fucking bum ass loser, much like how Ridley is seen in the eyes of his own homeworld. And through this shared history of being bum asses, it allows them to seamlessly bond symbiotically like normal remoras normally would with other larger sea life on Earth. And just like normal remoras, Suckem sustains himself on Ridley’s leftovers. However, Suckem’s diet consists mainly of brains, which proves to be a huge hang up for this symbiotic relationship. Not wanting to become a cannibal, Ridley enlists his lawyer ex-girlfriend, Anne (just Anne because I’m already tired of making fish puns. Oh, and she’s played by Mishelle Williams), to recruit the help of her current beau, Dr. Flotsam, in order to have him surgically remove Suckem from his body. It’s revealed here that Ridley and Anne broke up because their careers clashed since Anne works on the SeaLife Foundation’s legal team or some shit like that. I don’t know, I haven’t seen Venom since the first time I watched it tbh. Fucking sue me. Figurehead’s forces lay siege to Bikini Bottom General Hospital right in the middle of the removal process. This forces Ridley and Suckem to set aside their differences and UNITE (the only Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy reference you’ll get in this movie) as one to combat this latest threat. Suckem takes control of the situation and devours the brains of all the Figurehead mercs involved, but it’s revealed that one of the mercenaries recently ate something with mayonnaise in it, a substance that is fatal to Suckerm’s alien species. This forces Suckem to de-bond from Ridley, who is then captured by the Foundation as Suckem escapes through the hospital’s ventilation system. Figurehead tortures Ridley in an attempt to use him to sucker Suckem out of hiding, knowing full well of their perfect symbiosis. As this goes on, Suckem’s mother, Suck Mama, dispatches herself to planet Earth to retrieve her loser wayward son. Suckem eventually reunites with Anne, who allows Suckem to temporarily bond with her so that they can use his full capabilities to rescue Ridley. This allows Anne to become She-Suckem, and the MM & BB fanbase collectively jizz their pants, I’m sure. She-Suckem massacres the Foundation’s remaining forces and creates an opportunity for Suckem to re-bond with Ridley just as Suck Mama crash lands and bonds with Vilan S. Figurehead, thus granting him the power that he so craves. The two space suckerfish has fight that involves the best special effects Spongy Pictures’ budget will allow. Suck Mama reveals that Suckem got into one little fight on the Suck planet that scared her so much that she forced him to move in with his auntie and uncle on Mars. However, he didn’t show up to their residence at the expected arrival time. So now it’s up to her to retrieve him and set this boy straight. Suckem ends up killing his mother and Figurehead in one fell swoop by blowing up the rocket ship SeaLife had in its back pocket that was rerouted to bring them all back to Planet Suck. And that’s how Suckem retains his villainous edge, by committing matricide. SpongeBob has already fixed one of the Sonyverse’s biggest problems. The movie ends with Ridley still not getting Anne because he’s such a bum ass loser, but at least he and Suckem can still be bum ass losers together for at least two more movies and glorified cameos In the mid-credits scene, we are reminded that Ridley still has his job as an independent journalist when he and Suckem arrive at Bikini Bottom Federal Penitentiary, where Ridley looks to conduct an unprecedented, all-access interview with its most notorious inmate, “The Seaweed Medley Maniac” Craize E.S. Redhead (played by Woody Herringson in the best wig Spongy Pictures could afford). Redhead is so crazy, he officially goes on record to claim that he will escape his confines and when he does, “there’s gonna be suckage”.

- two Godzilla shirts, a Xenomorph shirt, a Sonic, Knuckles, Tails and Shadow shirt, a The Crow shirt - Astro Bot (a gift for myself), Sonic X Shadow Generations and Diablo IV for the PS5 - Marvel vs Capcom Fighting Game Collection, Sonic Superstars and Final Fantasy I-VI Collection for the Switch - Predator 2 and Mecha-King Ghidorah funko pops (the latter being another gift for myself) - Assorted homemade and store bought sweets

Whenever I do find myself picking up a soda, it’s usually a Sprite. But Baja Blast being sold in stores also hasn’t been the best development in my health journey this past year

Already posted enough in davent for one day, so I’ll just post this here. It’s kind of a tack-on to what I posted there. i feel like I’m losing my goddamn mind. I can’t go out to the grocery store without feeling like a paranoid, anxious mess who pays way too much mind to what other people think. I made a bad call when it came to whether or not we should leave out big in the house since the weather is being very inconsistent today. Turns out the weather was decent the whole time we were out and the dogs decided to make the biggest mess possible in the house while we were gone. Then I had a pretty bad, separate blowup that was pretty similar to that one scene in Big Pink Loser where Patrick is using the broom wrong and he’s all like “WHY CANT I DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Granted, what I did wasn’t sweep the floor with the broom handle stupid, but it still made me feel like I was that stupid and I feel like I don’t contribute anything and I just fuck everything up, so that led to me pulling out of helping a good friend, who helped me out when my dad was in the hospital last year, move stuff for his grandmother on the Big Island tomorrow because I feel like I’ll find a way to fuck that up too and I just need to not bother by staying home and do nothing and just rot.

Making my big push to earn Squidzilla his first GCA Episode 5: Oh No, Not These Two Again Patchy the Pirate and Potty the Parrot are out probably stalking SpongeBob again on a rowboat in Pacific waters. Patchy’s rowboat malfunctions and is forced to dock at Bikini Atoll. Potty worries about the lingering radiation and possibly getting contaminated, but Patchy is too obsessed with SpongeBob SquarePants to worry about something so insignificant in comparison. Whilst arguing, the pirate and his bird hear some strange sounds further down coastline. They follow it hoping they’ve come across SpongeBob’s fabled asexual reproduction grounds, but mostly Patchy’s excitement is brought to a complete halt as they find two monsters fighting. Patchy immediately recognizes one of the monsters to be Squidzilla, having conveniently been stalking SpongeBob during the monster’s initial rampage. But this new big, scary and pink menace that it’s locked in combat with eludes him despite its eerily close resemblance to Patrick Star. In the heat of battle, Patrickosaurus nonchalantly devours Potty whole. The two monsters then brawl off the surrounding reef, into the ocean. Leaving Patchy by himself to mourn his chief enabler. Patchy reports to the authorities in Bikini Bottom, who are already well aware of who he is and what does in his spare time, so they take his claims with a huge grain of salt. But word of Patchy’s encounter reaches Sandy, who is currently caring for and running tests on a giant egg in her Treedome. Using notes and textbooks left behind by Frenchy, Sandy finds out that the other creature Squidzilla had been fighting was Patrickosaurus. Frenchy had previously read up on Patrickosaurus in a book written by his Polish contemporary, Polish Narrator. She learns for herself that Patrickosaurus and Squidzilla lived around the same time millions of years ago. Squidzilla hated all creatures, especially those of the steamed vegetable, only smarter levels of annoyance, which explains the intense rivalry between Patrickosaurus and Squidzilla. Sandy brings her latest findings forward to the Bikini Bottom Defense Force, who decide to hold a meeting to address her latest concerns. The scientists and military officials in attendance are still not fully on board with Sandy following her mental breakdown during the Krabby Patty Apocalypse. Plankton resurfaces during said meeting to corroborate Sandy’s latest developments. He shows them a tape he salvaged from the rubble of the Chum Bucket, showing Squidzilla attacking Bikini Bottom, specifically the moment of his restaurant’s destruction, just one year before. He then explains that the monster Patchy and Potty saw is ANOTHER Squidzilla, brought to their time against its will. Plankton states that there is no way to kill Squidzilla this time around as Frenchy, the inventor of the weapon used to kill the previous Squidzilla, has disappeared much like Plankton did at the conclusion of the Krabby Patty Apocalypse. Possibly to keep the secrets of the Fried Oyster Destroyer safe from the wrong hands. Plankton discloses that he had left town previously in order to investigate these space-time anomalies that seem to be related to his and SpongeBob’s meddling with the timeline during the events of Burger Beard’s theft of the Krabby Patty secret formula. With more recent events bringing his work back closer to home. Sandy suggests that the navy should use smooth jazz on Squidzilla to draw the monster away from the city. Sandy theorizes that Squidzilla becomes angry when he hears music that’s better than his own, if the behavior exhibited by his closest living descendent, Squidward Tentacles, is anything to go off of. The navy gives the go-ahead for this countermeasure before retired navy officer, Mr. Krabs, steps forward to have Plankton arrested for his role in sparking all this chaos in the first place, despite SpongeBob’s protests.

Squidzilla Raids Again Episode 4: The Battle Before Time Hundreds of millions of years ago, dinosaurs walked the earth, and even greater horrors lurked deep below. One such horror was the mighty Squidasaurus Rex, creatures who saw itself as vastly superior than the rest of its peers. Squidasaurus Rex was more evolved, more cognizant and more self-aware. It was this very trait that made living within close proximity of others simply unbearable. One such Squidasaur found himself in the unenviable position of being next door neighbors with the equally imposing and infinitely annoying prickasaur known as Patrickosaurus! Living comfortably within the petrified head of the tiki god that was thought to have spawned him in old creation myth, Squidasurus’ life turned upside down the moment Patrickosaurus moved his mountain next door, under which he would burrow and live. Squidasaurus saw this blatant act of war as something similar to a fly landing on his home cooked meal. Squidasaurus Rex tolerated the no good prick’s unwelcome presence until the day Patrickosaurus decided to devour 300 orders of fried oyster skins, a lethal combination that proved fatal to Squidasaurus Rex’s overall health. Squidasaurus Rex would adapt to the increasing threat by developing rancid breath as a result of devouring the equally lethal combination of ketchup, onions and a completely intact potted peanut plant without even freezing it (because I have to canonically introduce a completely different, separate Squidzilla from the first, and have it somehow already have rancid breath). This feat proved to only be a temporary success as Patrickosaurus would then go on to adapt even further by evolving away his nose entirely. Powerless to keep Patrickosaurus away from his doorstep, Squidasaurus Rex decides to do the next best thing by filing for a restraining order against his horrible neighbor. Despite the power that prehistoric law now granted him, he was still unable to keep Patrickosaurus completely at bay. This led to a climactic neighborly squabble that shook the very foundations of history. The only known witnesses of the battle were Patchy the Primate and Potty the Pteranodon, who would go on the record in elementary level history books that the clash of titans culminated in a blinding flash of light, and all that remained of either competitor was the strange portal that had randomly appeared behind them. Yes, the two titans of terror would technically go on to battle for millions of years before spontaneously landing on Bikini Atoll in the present day.

I love karaoke! I always make room in my schedule whenever it comes up. My friends and I usually hit up those places where you reserve a private room for however many hours (usually 3 in our case). Never did do an open mic sesh since my friends wouldn’t be down for that, but it’s something I honestly wouldn’t mind doing one of these days. And I’m always on the fence about entering the karaoke contest that Kawaii Kon holds every year. I’m usually an anxious, nervous wreck at most other social events, but something about karaoke just puts me much more at ease for some reason.

SpongeBob must be stopped

Not enough MONEY

WWE scooping up Ethan Page is a damn good get. The guy’s criminally underrated and was criminally underutilized in AEW. A wrestler with plenty of upside, I thought he really could’ve been an MJF-level player for AEW, but it just wasn’t meant to be for one reason or another. Hopefully he gets used to his full potential in the other place.