Old Man Jenkins

Watched the live-action Little Mermaid last night, and I watched the animated original the day before just to have it clearer in my mind going into this. I thought it was definitely one of the better live action remakes. Like, I’d put it right under the live action Jungle Book on the Disney live action remake totem pole, which puts it above the others I’ve seen like Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Mulan and Aladdin. The cast did great (tho was honestly underwhelmed by Javier Bardem as Triton. Like animated Triton legit scares at points but other than that, Javier gets the job done for the other aspects of Triton’s character). The added content was welcomed additions in my book, and nice little additions to the Little Mermaid lore that borrows more from mythology. I’m a sucker for that shit. But that Scuttle song/rap was really fuckin extra tho, especially after seeing that with the original version still fresh in my mind lol and maybe the Eric song too. Idk that song just gave me vibes of the Beast’s solo song in live action Beauty and Beast, and I thought that one was completely unnecessary. Like even the instrumental arrangement of it sounded a lot like the Beast song at points for me. It just seemed very recycled to my ears. The romantic aspect was a huge improvement over the original. Their chemistry gelled a lot better which added more weight to their inevitable team up against Ursula at the end. For an adaptation that adds a whole extra hour onto the original’s runtime, I really kinda didn’t feel it on first watch. There’s definitely added stuff but it went pretty much the same pace as the original did for me. Which is weird, but a good thing in my book since it means I wasn’t really bored watching it. Like, I noticed and felt that longer runtime when watching Aladdin, Lion King and Beauty and the Beast. I hope Disney’s future live action endeavors end up more like this one. Spider-Man: Across the Spiderverse, fuckin cherry mang.

I gotta say John Leary from Jack the Bear.

Sorry I took so damn long, I really am getting old! Sheet Holy crap dude, I didn’t even think to check if they did a playthrough of this train wreck. Better late than never! Nova’s character creation skills are still on point as ever. How’s their original Saints Row vids already over a damn decade old The Resident Evil games are always my go-to, probably my fave horror series overall. There’s also stuff like Silent Hill (tho my history with this series isn’t as tenured as with RE), Left 4 Dead, The Evil Within, Outlast (really tense series), Alan Wake, Alien Isolation, and Until Dawn (and the other Until Dawn adjacent games made by the same developers). I’ve been playing a lot of Dead By Daylight since October when I got my friend group into it. That shit always makes for a good time. I’m sure I’m missing more, but that’s all that’s coming to my mind right now. Dead Space, BioShock, Little Nightmares and Phasmophobia are games I’ve been meaning to get to, but I heard mostly good things about. hope the ol’ stupid dog turned out as great for you as it did for me. Love dat show. Im touched it made you think of lil ol’ me lol (insert “I’ll have to remember that when I’m kicking your butt” Flats joke)

Up where they walk! Up where they run! Up where they brawl all day in the sun! Wrestling free, wish I could be…part of this cross-promotion! Pearl wants the opportunity to prove herself, Mrs. Puff wants a big moment to return to, and Sandy seeks to test her mettle against one of Disney’s finest. Only one SpongeBob character can go on to face The Little Mermaid in the main event! Taking the place of Mr. Krabs, who wanted to bleed us for more money to compete in such a high profile match, Squidward looks to rebuild some of that momentum lost from his crushing defeat to Patrick at “Back For The Attack!” But much like with Ariel’s life, Sebastian won’t make that easy for him! Can Squidward go back to his winning ways, or will Sebastian rub his big, fat nose in it with another musical number? Mermaid Man considers himself The Champion of the Deep while Triton sees himself as its King. Years of dueling biologies and ideologies comes to a head when these two finally step into a SpongeBrawl ring! And not only that, that bad father still owes Mermaid Man 400 clams from their last poker game! Patrick Star was originally supposed to compete in this match in what was supposed to be a “Battle of Sidekicks”, but he pulled out due to feeling far above the “sidekick” moniker while serving as our current reigning Shazampion. Though we all know that he really no-showed because he didn’t want to get on Ariel’s bad side. You ain’t slick, Patrick! We were originally gonna build this up as Flounder seeking revenge on SpongeBob for what he did to Flats the Flounder all those years ago, but it has recently come to our attention that Flounder isn’t really a flounder at all. He’s a sergeant major! Now we have no story to build this off of! Larry the Snail says that he will be “in SpongeBob’s corner”, so that’s something to look out for. Enjoy the yellow-on-yellow violence, I guess! Due to not being the one who ate the pin during tonight’s opening match, Mrs. Puff has been given the dishonor of squaring off Ursula the Sea Witch! But Ursula is a sea witch that can hold a grudge. She still hasn’t forgotten failing her road test under Mrs. Puff! And not only that, Ursula’s supposedly inked a contract with “an outside third party” that binds her to “take out Puff for good”! Years of training and honing her body to withstand the great underwater pressure has finally brought Sandy Cheeks to the dance! Sandy can’t get over how foolish Ariel is for wanting to jump ship to dry land. Ariel can’t stand how stupid Sandy must be for willfully leaving her life on the surface behind. Sandy sees Ariel as bastardizing the wonders of surface world invention, whereas Ariel doesn’t see any of Sandy’s inventions being lost at sea for her to bring back to her grotto. Whose will to live life the way they want will be stronger? Reigning Shazampion, Patrick Star, claims he will be keeping a close eye on this monumental match up. Interpret that as you will! And lastly, I am afraid that it is my duty to inform you, the SpongeBrawl faithful, that Old Man Jenkins, beloved SpongeBob background character of 24 years, has sadly passed away from injuries he suffered during that devastating backstage assault at “Back For The Attack”. We here at SpongeBrawl offer the remaining Old Men Jenkinses and everyone currently housed in Shady Shoals Retirement Home our condolences and support during this difficult time. A memorial show dedicated to the memory of Old Man Jenkins, the beloved SpongeBob background character of 24 years, shall take place on Sunday, May 28th. We hope you join us as we celebrate the life and times of a SpongeBob character who was taken away from us far too soon…

It’s nice they haven’t forgotten about mah boi, Craig.

SABOOM

Happy belated 10th anniversary to the debut of the genesis of the book of the storybook career of Curtis Axel! May the 2015 Royal Rumble continue to live on with your presence

Fast X, a nice step up from the stank of F9.

Episode 6: Miseria Cantare We open up to Manny’s instincts leading him to his family’s home before moving to Bikini Bottom, Arava Cove, a stretch of open ocean where sharks could live in relative peace away from the hustle and bustle of the more modern and civilized communities. These Shark colonies operate by their own sets of rules, free from any outside authority or government that are becoming increasingly commonplace among those lower on the food chain. To his surprise, Arava Cove was seemingly abandoned. Grottos appear ransacked or caved in entirely, trails of blood line the sand. The blood didn’t appear to be from any fresh kill, either. Something happened here, and Manny wanted to get to the bottom of it. Manny catches a whiff of a very familiar smell in the cove’s water. The lemon sharks that reside here usually don’t go around picking fights when any threat bigger than themselves enters the territory, and the sheer number of the lemons almost always dissuades potential threats from making any hostile movements. Manny theorizes to himself that what happened to him and his family must’ve also happened here, though this attack was on a much larger scale. An entire colony of sharks, seemingly wiped away like nothing. Manny had no room in his heart to spare on mourning this place. The reasons for his departure from the cove are still fresh in his memory. He heads off in the direction of that familiar smell, hoping to get some more intel from it. Manny’s investigation leads him to a small school of remora hiding out in the remains of the Arava chief’s grotto. The startled remoras initially mistake Manny as another intruder, but are relieved to see that at least one of the sharks managed to escape the bloodshed. Manny informs them that isn’t with the settlement, and hasn’t been for a long while now. While the remora are surprised to see him, he’s just perplexed to see them in the settlement at all. Lemon sharks don’t typically view remora as fondly as other sharks of their ilk tend to do. To lemons, remora are no more than pests and more likely to be killed and devoured rather than bonded with. One of the remora introduces themselves as Remy and informs Manny that the denizens of Arava Cove had to adapt more than ever in order to survive in recent times. The cove’s numbers had dwindled since Manny probably last stepped foot in it. Between the number of departures and the rising number of hunters in the area, the lemon shark population is in pretty dire straits. Manny is intrigued to know that more sharks apparently left in the wake of his own departure. See this as his chance to gather any information he can get, he questions the remora about what exactly took place here. Remy recalls how a few weeks back, the cove’s Chief and his hunting party returned home from a feeding frenzy alongside a potential new mate. The Chief’s previous mate had been hunted down while pregnant with his pups. He brought the new arrival back to the cove in order to have something of a fresh start. The chief’s personal remora voiced their concern the loudest, sensing something was amiss with this female shark after other remora reported strange behavior being displayed while bonded with her, but the chief’s decision was final. When the time came to consummate the mating season, the hunters took it as an opportunity to lay siege to the cove. The Chief was killed in his own grotto and more bloodshed quickly followed. Some were tortured and mutilated on the spot, others were battered and netted up to the surface. Some remoras chose to stay with their hosts til the bloody end, others had no choice but to flee. When it was all said and done, this school of remoras were all that was left of the settlement. Manny admonishes the chief for following his emotions instead of his instincts, but Remy replies that replenishing the lemon shark numbers was what his instincts told him. The remoras have come to know the stench of battle all too well in the immediate aftermath. They could sense the very same stench radiating off of Manny. Because of this, they question him on the circumstances surrounding his mysterious return. Manny refuses to divulge anything, feeling his situation to be eerily similar to what had happened. His own decisions had led him to ruin, much like how things turned out for the lemon chief. Suddenly, Manny picked back up on a similar scent coming from beyond the cove’s borders. The stench of death is still fresh on this particular source, so Manny immediately heads out to further investigate, leaving the remoras behind. His search takes him to the outskirts of the nearby reef city, Bandeau, which happens to lie in nurse shark territory. Here, fish of all creeds enjoy off-roading in the sand dunes. A shiver of nurse sharks operates a clinic in the event of any medical emergencies in the dunes. However, unbeknownst to the general public, the clinic also serves as a front for nurse sharks to feed indiscriminately. Inside, a trio of nurse sharks are currently feeding on a couple of children whose parents brought them in to treat some bad scrapes from a dirt bike mishap. When the nurse sharks conclude their lunch they instruct a fourth nurse to inform the parents that they can see their kids now. As the fourth nurse goes to do that, another injured fish stumbles into the clinic, blood pouring from a very open wound. The parents are startled at the sight as Manny enters the clinic right behind them. He attacks the two, gobbling as much of them up and leaving behind slight remnants of blood and some scraps.. The commotion draws the attention of the other three nurses, who storm out in a hurry. They’re pissed to see a lemon shark intrude on “their turf”, but Manny tells them that he isn’t here to incite a turf war. He’s only here for answers, and he thinks the fourth nurse shark can provide him with that. The other three nurse sharks charge at him in defense of their colleague, but Manny throws the injured fish’s body at them to break up their formation. Manny implores them to partake in their last meal. The three nurses oblige and tear the injured fish apart, devouring each respective section of his body. Manny brawls with the nurses all throughout their makeshift office, but the numbers game slowly gets to him. They ultimately back him into a corner of the waiting room, take chomps out of him as he tries blocking their advances. Suddenly, his right fin seems to take on a life of its own as it absolutely potatoes one of the nurse’s right on their nose before proceeding to gouge another nurse’s eye out. Manny then takes the opportunity to take a big bite out of the third’s body. With the three nurses reeling in pain, Manny takes a closer look at his arm to see that Remy had himself firmly placed underneath it without Manny even knowing. Manny angrily demands to know what it’s doing, to which Remy replies that he’s helping “save your skin”. Remy informs Manny that remoras are good for more than just reaping the leeching off of their hosts. They can help their hosts become stronger, more effective. Lemon sharks remained ignorantly blind to that fact for years until the Arava Chief finally saw the use in having them around. Now it’s for Manny to experience the same benefits. The three nurse sharks take note of this development and remove their nurse's scrubs to reveal their very own remoras attached to them. Upon seeing this, Remy remarks that this might’ve gotten tougher. The nurses start channeling on their mana, which also extends to their remoras. This further widens the gap between their power and Manny’s, who is still clueless as to how to control his own mana to such a degree. Remy comments that Manny “sure did a number domesticating himself”. Remy takes some time to sync his own mana with Manny’s. This process allows him a clearer look into Manny’s soul, while also giving Manny a clearer window into his. Remy is finally able to see all the atrocities that Manny has been through while Manny finds out that Remy himself was the Arava Chief’s personal remora. Manny is also able to see Remy’s final memory of the Arava Chief, who in his last act, imparted some of his mana into Remy and instructed him to find a suitable host and spread word of what had happened to them to other shark colonies. Manny snaps back to reality to find that he’s been putting up a much better fight against the nurses than he was previously. Remy informs him that that’s just “instincts really taking over”. Manny grabs one of the nurses and chows them down. And then doing the same to the other two in short order. The last nurse could scream in agony before being chugged through the serrated teeth and down Manny’s gullet. Manny could feel his mana growing exponentially from this latest victory. The nurse sharks’ remoras hastily retreat to the body of the fourth nurse, who applauds Manny for somehow surviving this long, but that it won’t be long before he ends up like all the others of his species. An electric current surges through the fourth nurse, pretty much tasering the remoras that have suckered themselves into her. Remy comments that that wasn’t mana she was using. This confirms Manny’s lingering suspicions that this “shark” isn’t what she passes herself off as. The “nurse” removes her own scrubs to reveal that her body is a cage-looking vessel with two hired Glove hands operating it. Manny angrily questions how nobody in Arava Cove had stronger suspicions of this thing, Remy replies that it was “really convincing” and that they all thought the two operators were just people “she devoured recently”. The mechanized menace commences its attack, snapping at Manny with its motorized chompers. Manny manages to break away and put distance between himself and it, but the mechanical vessel fires off a harpoon that pierces his stomach, and with the rope attached to it, it begins reeling Manny back towards its motormouth. Manny struggles to pull himself away, but one of the operators inside pulls out a gun and fires off pot shots, hitting Manny multiple times, in hopes that it weakens him even further. Remy tries his hardest to also pull back and keep Manny in place, but also gets overwhelmed by the strain. The other nurses’ remoras come to and realizes what’s going on. They quickly surround Manny and sucker themselves onto his body alongside Remy. Together, Remy and the other remoras go to work cleaning up Manny and letting their collective mana flow into his own. Their combined strength stops Manny from being drawn in closer to the mechanical man powered vessel, effectively putting them all at a stalemate until Manny snaps the rope that the harpoon is attached to with his teeth. Now freed, Manny’s aura bursts forth from his body, creating a bluish-green light show for all the fish participating in the sand dunes. Manny charges forth, letting his mana propel him faster, and snaps at the mechanical vessel’s cage-like body. The metal bars bend and break away, giving the operators little choice but to flee the vessel. Manny thrashes about tearing the vessel to shreds as the operators frantically swim away with their guns. Once they reach a safe enough distance, they turn around to aim and fire, but is already out of sight. One of them is suddenly impaled through the head by the very same harpoon they had used on Manny, who quickly maneuvers around the line of fire of the other operator, who misses each of his shots. Manny then finishes him off by also impaling him through the head with the very same harpoon. Manny then proceeds to devour them both like a shish kabob. The nurse shark remoras part ways with Manny, who lets them go scot free for providing him the much needed assist. The remoras promise to let the other nurse sharks in Bandeau know of what happened regarding the hunters’ spy vessel, but they can’t guarantee that the nurses won’t retaliate for Manny’s own part in the incident. Manny assures them that he’ll be ready to cross that bridge when he gets to it. On the way out of Bandeau, Manny and Remy share a heart to heart about their recent tragedies. How they both lost those they cared for in the blink of an eye. How they both had to emotionally detach themselves in order to survive for as long as they have. Manny’s journey to seek out retribution has been missing a pretty vital piece of the puzzle, but his shared experience in Bandeau might have finally gifted him with said piece. Remy offers up his services to Manny since the road ahead seems more perilous than ever. The hunters are also capable of evolving and adapting. It’s time to show them just who the original innovators of that shit are. Before they embark towards their final destination, Remy reminds Manny that there are “more vengeful souls just like them”. Manny is still uncomfortable about the concept of revenge and how it’s a complex emotion that’s beyond the shark species. Remy remarks that perhaps now marks a pivotal moment where sharks finally start evolving beyond their modern conventions. They head back to Arava Cove and recruit all the remaining remoras there who want to stand and fight back against their aggressors. Manny promises to provide them all protection for as long as he’s able, just as long they all work to make sure that he’s capable of fighting for as long as he’s able. Manny discards his prized red and yellow plaid pants that his wife had bought him, as well as his glasses. He no longer needs them to see the world so clearly. He places these items in his old grotto as a makeshift shrine to his family, his old life. The remora all surround him, converging onto Manny’s skin by sticking to him using their head suckers. Their mana all flow together in sync with Manny’s. Through this, Manny is able to experience the pain that they and their previous hosts had all gone through and vice versa. Manny could feel the power of the entire cove coursing through him as the remora all work to clean his wounds and mend his body. Once the bonding process was over, Manny felt good as new and better than ever. The remora became like a second skin, a sort of suit of armor that freely moved along to his own movements. Their mana flow creates a combined yellow color, embodying the entire populace of the cove’s former lemon residents. Manny knows just where to go, but he lets his instincts guide him anyway. He sets a mental course for the location of the final showdown; Glove World. However, he stops by the Bandeau sand dunes on the way there for a quick power snack. Picking apart the many powersports enthusiasts gathered there. Notes The first appearance of Remy, and the introduction of remoras species as a whole We get our first look at Manny’s original home, Arava Cove, which has been referenced and alluded to multiple times in previous episodes The first mention of Bandeau, an underwater city very similar to Bikini Bottom. The events of this episode take place right outside of Bandeau, the closest we get to it being the sand dunes located on the outskirts We are first introduced to nurse sharks, whose feral population operates primarily in and around Bandeau Whatever was left of the lemon shark population in Arava Cove is assumed to be completely wiped out The concept of mana gets further fleshed out in this episode. For sharks, mana is gained either through acts of violence or through sexual activity. Remoras are able to gain and utilize mana through their close working relationships with sharks. Through bonding and symbiosis, sharks and remoras are able to share their power and experiences with each other Trivia The episode’s title is a reference to “Miseria Cantare (The Beginning)” by AFI “Arava” is the Tahitian name for lemon sharks The character of Remy the Remora is a reference/slight homage to Remy from Ratatouille The name for the city “Bandeau” is based off of the bandeau garment used for bikini wear, much like Bikini Bottom Members of The Drasticals are seen among those in attendance for the Bandeau Powersports Competition at the very end of the episode Manny’s wardrobe is based on his depiction used for the Before picture seen in “MuscleBob BuffPants” One of the pictures in the nurse sharks’ office is of Nurse Leslie, a shark character from “Camp Lazlo” In real life, lemons are one of the very few species of sharks who have been observed acting aggressively to and even consuming remoras The mechanized shark-shaped submersible used by the Glove company is based off of the one used in Discovery’s “Mechashark” Shark Week documentary. The storyline revolving around the Mechashark’s infiltration of Arava Cove is also inspired in part by that documentary’s follow-up, “Mechashark: Love Down Under” The fully realized “final form” taken by Manny after fully bonding with the remoras is inspired by the Super Saiyan transformation from “Dragon Ball Z”. Minus the hair, of course

Perch Perkins: This is ace reporter Perch Perkins, reporting LIVE from The Winner’s Circle because here at SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling, everyone's a winner! Win/loss records truly be damned. Case in point, my first guest here this evening is none other than The Bass Kicker, Bubble Bass! Bubble Bass, I think it’s fair to say that you put on a much better effort than most probably expected during your Absurd Proposition Match against, who I assume to now be your former tag team partner, Kevin C. Cucumber. You did somehow manage to work yourself up a surprising 7 falls during the duration of that fateful 15-minute time limit, but ultimately it still came up short to Kevin’s even more impressive 9. You intended for this match to be a return to form of sorts. A declaration that you, as the inaugural Nautical World of Wrestling Global Champion, wanted to back in the title hunt. Does tonight’s loss put a bit of a damper on those plans? Bubble Bass: I could stand here and say that “no, it absolutely will not”, but it seems I’ve been made to eat a lot of my words as of late. I’m sure everybody here knows that I am a man of refined taste, I don’t force myself to eat just anything. Perch Perkins: Yes, I’m sure that’s everyone’s first impressions. Bubble Bass: But I ate defeat 9 times tonight. Fucking 9! I managed to mount a comeback twice and I shit the bed both times! I came into this revival with all the confidence in the world following that last run I had in NWoW. But it seems that what I had in me then, is simply not here with me now. Perch Perkins: Nothing a few more stolen car keys can’t fix. Bubble Bass: Quite. But I think it’s time that I actually take a good, long look at the bass in the mirror and make some necessary changes. Perch Perkins: What…kinda changes…? Bubble Bass: BIG changes. Perch Perkins: Well, I think I speak for everybody when I say “get laid, you literal fucking neckbeard”. (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Please welcome my next guest, without a doubt the KING of absurd propositions! He’s Kevin C. Cucumber. Hi Kevin! Kevin: Hello, loser! Perch Perkins: Kevin, you just ran circles around a former Global Champion for 15 whole minutes. The folks at home have to know just what’s next for SpongeBrawl’s resident spotter? Kevin: Well I’ll tell the folks at home exactly what they wanna hear! After that show stealing performance tonight, I’m making it known right here, right now, that I call next dibs for the Shazampionship! Perch Perkins: Well if you’re calling dibs, who could possibly argue against that?! Kevin: Absolutely nobody. Nobody else on this roster put on a show here tonight like how I put on a show. The Cocaine Sea Bears showed up and did their thing, but they both lost to some wannabe tough guy with a dad bod and squirrel! A fucking squirrel of all things, literally the size of their fucking paws! That loser, SpongeBob, got pinned by a fucking anchovy and the Boys Who Cry will never measure up to me on the manhood scale. Nobody could follow that opening bout! The show was honestly all downhill from there! Which is why if Zeus and OMJ have enough brain cells left between the both of them, they will grant me my wish and put me next in line for the next big money main event! Everybody wants to say hi to Kevin, I am a godsend, a proven draw that can and will put tailfins in seats. Just give me the match so that SpongeBrawl can finally have a champion that everybody will be proud of! Thank you, get zapped, BYE! Perch Perkins: Well, you heard ‘em, folks. Get fucking zapped! (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Well, I’m unable to get a word from Link and Cal Kestis for obvious legal reasons, but here’s The Super Weenies. First and foremost, dunking on EA is like fucking child’s play at this point. Everyone and their grandmothers could dunk on EA if they wanted to, so don’t be too proud of yourself there Marvin, but Nintendo tho. They’re infamous, I think we’re all aware about the ninjas. I can’t even pretend to be unimpressed by it. It really is quite the accomplishment for you incels! Weenie Bot: Well Perch, judging from current events, I think it has become clear that machines are capable of doing everything. The video game industry is no different. I have reduced Nintendo to being a mere stepping stone in my rise to power. I’ve taken these two and made them into warriors because that was merely the task I was given heading into this little revival. If I can lead these nerds to such impossible heights, just imagine what I can be capable of doing to the entire world. Next month, the It’s All About Family shall take place and The Super Weenies are the odds on favorites to win it all and take home the gold. Perch Perkins: Well you all have your work cut out for you because your first opponents will be none other than the wild card team of Reg and Sandy. Weenie Bot: Irrelevant. Meat Sack 1 aka Wayne single handedly eliminated Sandy from the SpongeBrawl Rumble and Meat Sack 2 aka Marvin was the one who quite literally ran Larry the Lobster out of the company when he eliminated him in that very same match. Not to mention that our compatibility levels far exceed any that’s been so far displayed by Reg and Sandy. Their egos and bravado have doomed them to fail before the match can even start. And the other teams will be met with very similar results, I assure you. And with that, The Super Weenies are far and away the strongest familial unit in this tournament, therefore the winners have already been decided. And with that, I believe this interview has concluded. Thank you, Mr. Perkins. Realistic Fish Head has nothing on you. Perch Perkins: Well I, for one, welcome our new machine overlords! (camera cut) Cameras catch the Cocaine Sea Bears escaping their confinements and escaping into the city. Perch Perkins: Well that’s sure as shit a “This just in” moment if I ever saw one. (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m currently awkwardly standing between an unstoppable force and an immovable object! Fucking help me! Sandy: Give me my rematch, you overgrown crawdad without a shell! Reg: I already clapped your cheeks one time. I climbed that mountain. It’s over. Done. Sandy: Sounds like you’re on some Weenie shit right now, I reckon! Reg: Not some Weenie shit. Just some nothing left to prove to you shit! So just go home and cry to your pa. There ain’t gonna be no rematch! Sandy: You looked like a bloated pasty bitch out there against your white powder sugar bear! I had mine beat in half the time as yours! Reg: And for that, you earned your flowers. Congratulations, you’re tough enough for the Salty Spitoon! But you’re still not SO tough. Sandy: And what’s that supposed to mean?! Reg: That I STILL CLAPPED YOUR SANDY CHEEKS! THAT’S WHAT! Perch Perkins: Gentlemen please, there’ll be plenty of time to keep building your sexual tension when this interview is over! But right now, I think you two have much more pressing issues on your hands. Sandy & Reg: Like what?! Perch Perkins: You both didn’t know? You’ve been thrown together to compete in the It’s All About Family Tournament where the winners will be crowned our first ever tag team champions. Reg: Says who?! Perch Perkins: Says the Wrestle Lord, himself! Sandy: That’s a load of cow manure! Reg: More like a load of bull shit if you ask me! Sandy: I’m glad we can agree on that much! Reg: You wanna kick the ass of everybody in this tournament as a way of showing our displeasure about this predicament?! Sandy: You don’t have to fucking ask me twice! Reg: Then let’s bang! Perch Perkins: Neptune help us all. (camera cut) Cameras catch Zeus the Wrestle Lord dressing down his biggest acquisition, Scooter the Surfer. Zeus: I bent over backwards for you! I gave you my seal of approval, my personal endorsement! And you go out there and waste all of it! Scooter: Duude, I- Zeus: Your performance out there was “dood” alright, fuckin’ DOODY! The Jumbo Shrimp is a goddamn jabroni! Who loses to the Jumbo Shrimp! Seriously, I’m asking for a friend?! Did I really have to hand feed you just The Shrimp to get some decent ass results?! I gave you an opportunity to give me my mom’s money’s worth and you fuckin’ failed me! You burnout, you fuckin’ beach rat! I could fire you, but that would be too damn easy. You’re gonna be doing the job for as long as your BIG MONEY CONTRACT allows! Go do something useful and catch some waves you complete, utter failure! That’s all you seem to be good for! Fuckin’ one note ass character! Scooter: Duuuude… Zeus: If you scored a victory for each time you’ve said “dude”, that would just be fuckin’ great now wouldn’t it! Scooter slinks away somberly. Zeus stomps into his office. Zeus: It would seem that my search is not yet over. Perch Perkins: *whispers* Looks like there’s some trouble in Scooter’s Paradise. The camera simply shakes in disapproval. Perch Perkins: No? Ok… (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here ON LOCATION with The Shrimps themselves! Jumbo, needless to say, it appears you threw a sizable monkey wrench in the aspirations of the Wrestle Lord here tonight! Jumbo Shrimp: As a super villain, it’s usually my plans that are being foiled. It feels kinda nice to do the foiling for once. Perch Perkins: could this new little arrangement you and Shrimp have here lead to a possibly more heroic run this time around? Shrimp: I sure hope it- Jumbo Shrimp: FUCK NO! Shrimp: W-What? Jumbo Shrimp: Don’t get it twisted, I’m only doing this as a favor to this girl I have on the side. You see, Shrimp is her brother. *whispers* He's kind of an embarrassment. True story. Perch Perkins: You’re doing Neptune’s work, Jumbo Shrimp! Jumbo Shrimp: NO I FUCKING AM NOT! Do I need to rip that toupee off to prove a fuckin point here! Perch Perkins: No, sir! That won’t be necessary. And this isn’t a toupee so that would be impossible, even with your amazing strength! Shrimp: Don’t I get a say here- Jumbo Shrimp: Get lost, Shrimp! I know you’re gonna bring up the fact that we’re gonna be in the tag title tourney so let’s just get to it. Perch Perkins: Ok. Any thoughts on your chances, I guess? Jumbo Shrimp: Usually our chances would be fuckin 0 because this sorry sack of crap sucks that damn much. I mean, look at him! No definition to speak of! He needs to be allowed in as many restaurants as he can because he needs whatever he can get to add some weight to that pinprick frame! But him teaming up with me automatically raises our chance up to 50%, and when you add each of the 24 inch pythons to the mix, our chances drastic go up to 75 and one-fourths chance! And when you take into account every other teams’ low chances of winning and adding that up, the other teams have a combined 24 and three-fourths chance of winning! Which means that their remaining 74 and one-fourths chance of losing gets added to our 75 and one-fourths chance of winning, bring The Shrimps to a grand total of 149.02% chance of us winning! And the numbers, Perch, don't lie! Perch Perkins: I mean, it all adds up, folks. (camera cut) Joey: ¡Adios, maestro! Johnny: You lived a good life! Jesse: Paradise awaits! Perch Perkins: Scooter’s Paradise? Boys Who Cry: What?? Perch Perkins: Nevermind, I suck. What’s going on here, boys? Joey: We were just saying our final farewells to El Pampano! Perch Perkins: Oh, so that actually worked out then? No strings attached? Johnny: We escorted him to the gates of heaven, ourselves! Jesse: Yeah, Saint Peter’s a pretty chill dude once you get past the formalities! Perch Perkins: So it’s onward and upward from here then? Joey: You know it! Perch Perkins: Tag Team Championship City, huh?! Boys Who Cry: It’s all about the tag team championships, girl! On your 16th birthday! Perch Perkins: That’s the spirit! So Jesse, why did you try interfering in Joey’s match earlier? Jesse: Perch, I don’t think that really matters. I mean, we won, right! Perch Perkins: I’m just saying, it was an odd play. Why go for such an odd play? None of the ghouls tried running interference in each other’s matches, nor did Johnny with any of you. I’m sure you had your very specific reasons. Did you think that Joey might’ve needed the extra help to win? Jesse: I think you might need a little extra help if you don’t cook it with the third degree. Joey: Now that you mention it, Perch, that all was kind of weird. Why did you do that, Jesse? Jesse: No particular reason. I just wanted to- Joey: Did you really think I was gonna lose? Jesse: I mean, you kinda did. Joey: Because you being there kinda took me off guard. Jesse: I only gave you a huge opening that you kinda blew. Joey: So you were trying to make sure that I win! Jesse: Look, it’s over. We won in the end. Let’s just drop it, for Pampano’s sake. Joey: Don’t use maestro to try and deflect this, Jess! Perch Perkins: Do you think Joey is the weak link of the trio, Jesse? Johnny: What’s with these questions right now, man?! Perch Perkins: I’m a reporter, it’s what I do. Johnny: True that, true that. Joey: Answer him, Jess. Do you really think I’m the weakest link? Perch Perkins: The folks at home want to know, Jesse. Is this why Joey isn’t competing in the It’s All About Family Tournament while you and Johnny are? Jesse: What do you think, Perch, you jackoff?! Perch Perkins: This isn’t about me right now. This is about you and how you view a certain member of your band. Johnny: He’s a reporter, man, it’s what he do! Jesse: Johnny, don’t encourage him! Joey: No, please encourage him, Johnny. Maybe that way, we’ll get some real answers! Jesse: Look, you were about to lose, all right. I did what I had to do for our team, for Pampano. We didn’t really need a losing start. I didn’t want The Dutchman one-on-one anymore than you wanted Poltergeist! Joey: And yet you still ended up rising to the occasion when I didn’t. Jesse: You blew a pretty big window of opportunity out there tonight! What more do you want me to say, man? Joey: Don’t worry, that’s plenty enough. Joey storms off, feeling embarrassed and dejected. Johnny: That’s that good, honest reporting that we love. Thanks for bringing us that exclusive here first, Perch! Perch Perkins: It’s what I do! Jesse: Turn the camera off. Now! (camera cut) Cameras catch The Ghouls Fools arguing in the arena’s boiler room. Lord Poltergeist: How?! How could you lose to the same boy band member TWICE!?!? Flying Dutchman: I gravely underestimated him. I won’t let that happen again. Lord Poltergeist: There’s underestimating and then there’s just plain sucking chode! Flying Dutchman: You call THAT sucking chode?! Lord Poltergeist: I’d call it something worse if I could come up with something worse! I carried the weight this entire time! They tried to get the jump on me with the dishonorable numbers game, but I still went and delivered them that first L! I knew we shouldn’t have put so much stock into that Pampano. He probably threw the match on purpose! Flying Dutchman: If he did, his soul would’ve burnt to a crisp on the spot! Lord Poltergeist: If we had somebody from MY crew in his place, that abomination of a match wouldn’t’ve had to happen! We could’ve gotten a clean sweep! Flying Dutchman: Someone from that piss poor skeleton crew of yours?! Don’t make me laugh! Lord Poltergeist: It’s more than can be said about the sorry excuse that is YOUR crew! Nothing but a bunch of department store workers! A boy really would’ve been the logical next step to recruit! You could’ve had them shill your newest fragrance; The Sweet Smell of Fucking Up Majorly! Flying Dutchman: Who leaked you that?! That release was supposed to be too secret! Lord Poltergeist: Look at us! We’re supposed to be good and scary! Now we’re getting our ghostly asses handed to us by yesteryear’s top selling artists! This charade ends now! Lord Poltergeist uses his ghost powers to bring the cameraman forward to them. Perch Perkins: eep! Flying Dutchman: What be the meaning of this?! Lord Poltergeist: Sending a message! Poltergeist uses his powers to snap the cameraman’s neck on the spot, twisting his head a complete 180. Lord Poltergeist: Let’s see somebody make a “oh, the cameraman always survives” joke after that! From here on out, EVERYBODY DIES! The cameraman’s ghost leaves his body and picks the camera back up. Perch Perkins: Good, I thought I had to film the rest of this myself. You’re dedicated to your work, I can respect that! Flying Dutchman: Arr! Who else be spyin’ on The Flying Dutchman?! Perch Perkins: Let’s get the fuck outta here! (camera cuts) Perch Perkins: The seeds of dissent that you requested to have planted has been sowed, my sugar daddy! Squilliam: Excellent work, peasant! Perhaps now, Squidward actually has a chance of carrying his part of the team. He couldn’t even carry himself to victory against that unsightly starfish! Here’s your payment. And I threw a little extra in there, so you can go buy yourself a woman for the night and give that hand of yours a rest. Perch Perkins: That’s very considerate of you, Mr. Fancyson! Squilliam: If I’m being forced into pretty much gifting Squiddy with gold by winning this little tourney, I may as well keep spreading the wealth. Continue helping those far less fortunate than I! Quick question. Perch Perkins: Yes, my sugar daddy? Squilliam: Is that camaeraman fucking dead? Perch Perkins: Yez, my sugar daddy. Squilliam: Like, dead-dead? Perch Perkins: As limp as Squidward’s nose dick. Squilliam: What the fuck did you to him, Perch? Make him choke on your dick?! Perch Perkins: Oh, if only! Squilliam: Right, because doing so would require one in the first place. (camera cut) Cameras catch the moment Old Man Jenkins gets jumped backstage. Perch Perkins: Oh dear Neptune! Old Man Jenkins is being assaulted! Somebody needs to get out here and stop this quick! (two minutes later) Perch Perkins: I don’t think anybody’s coming. Quick, you go get in there! Cameraman’s Ghost: What the hell am I supposed to do?! I’m already dead! Perch Perkins: You’re holding a solid object, aren’t you? Can’t you just, I don’t know, Patrick Swayze this shit?! (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, “The Incomparable” Squidward! Squidward: Alright Perch, let’s get it all out now! Squidward sucked eggs! Perch Perkins: Squidward Sucks Eggs! Squidward Sucks Eggs! Okay, I think that’s a wrap! Squidward: Wait, wha- (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you The Star of the Show! He is the reigning, defending, UNDISPUTED Shazampion, Patrick Star! Patrick: It’s funny, I don’t really feel like “the star of the show” if I still get second billing even as Shazampion. Perch Perkins: I don’t quite follow- Patrick: My championship unification match was second to last on the show. Perch Perkins: Second only to SpongeBob! Patrick: But champions should always be the featured attraction, therefore they should get top billing at the top of the card. Perch Perkins: But at least you’re still the Shazampion! SpongeBob currently can’t say that he’s even so much as held a single title once. And that, I think, is where the real value and difference lies. Patrick: So he’s a bigger star than me even without having ever won a title? Perch Perkins: Look, you’re really making this harder for yourself than it needs to be. Patrick: You were coming in hot with the third degree earlier. Why can’t I? I mean, I’m Shazampion right. Are you saying that you get handed opportunities to do stuff that even the Shazampion doesn’t? Perch Perkins: I’m just a reporter, sir. Patrick: And I’m the goddamn Shazampion. Perch Perkins: That, you most certainly are! Patrick: It’s starting to not feel like it. Perch Perkins: Can I just get some hype going for your next potential title defense already? Patrick: Well hype away! I mean, it’s only gonna be second-to-last on the card! Perch Perkins: Well, earlier tonight Kevin C. Cucumber called dibs on the next title opportunity, and I think he pleads a pretty strong case after the match he had tonight. Patrick: Tell him it’s granted. Perch Perkins: You want the match? Patrick: Why not? Maybe then, people will have to start taking me more seriously around here. But don’t let me eat up all your time, Perch. I’m sure you have more important people to speak with. Perch Perkins: Well, now that you mentioned it (camera cut) Anchovy 1: Meep. Anchovy 2: Meep. Anchovy 3: Mep. Anchovy 4: Mm-meep. Perch Perkins: Really fucking illuminating, guys. (camera cut) Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, you know em, you love em, you can’t get enough of em! They’re The Biggest Losers on the Beach! SpongeBob: Hey Perch! Perch Perkins: Well hey Perch, indeed! SpongeBob, this is the first time the four of you have reunited in about 24 years! How did you finally get this reunion to happen?! SpongeBob: Well Perch, it was initially a long and arduous recruitment process. When I was holding open auditions, the main thing I was looking for was perseverance! You know, with the people looking for the chance to break through, I tried sanding them, burying them and burning them! But then I realized that I had all those positive qualities by my side before I threw these guys out of my life! A couple ring-a-dings later, we all got back together and put on a real show just like old times! Perch Perkins: Dexter Blubbuns, I just have to ask, were those YOUR buns that you were throwing out into the crowd earlier. Dexter: They sure were. If I have to live with sand in my buns, then everybody else should too! Perch Perkins: And Evelyn Sunburst, I see spray tanning was not the way to go heading into tonight’s match! Evelyn: The possible skin cancer will be worth it in the end, I think! Perch Perkins: I think so too! Oh and you! Perch immediately forgets Frank is even there. Perch: So what’s next for you losers now that The Anchovies are firmly in the rear view mirror? The two of you aren’t entered into the tag team tourney. It seems that only SpongeBob is. Dexter: We’re just here to bring awareness to losers everywhere. Evelyn: Yeah, we’re here and we’re people too! Frank: You said it, gu- SpongeBob: We wanna become something that the folks at home can really strive to be after watching this program! Not everybody can be champions, and that’s okay! But EVERYBODY can be the biggest loser on the beach! Perch Perkins: SpongeBob, speaking of champions, you have a shot at becoming one-half of SpongeBrawl’s first ever tag team champions at “Fast X Your Seatbelts”! But rather unfortunately, you have yourself a partner that you might not fully see eye to eye with. SpongeBob: Larry the Snail, I know. Perch Perkins: How do you think that affects your chances heading into this? SpongeBob: Well, I sure as hell wanna win some gold for the first time in my wrestling career. And I know Larry wants the same for himself just as much. I know he’s had some outrageous things to say last month. And he and I will both cross that bridge in due time, but if he’s willing to put aside his pride and all that extra bullshit for this one night, I think we’ll have as good a chance as anybody! We’re contractually obligated to be like family now, and I’m willing to try and make it work. He just needs to put that same effort in too. F is for Friends that do stuff together, but F is also for family that gets things done! So let’s get this shit done. Perch Perkins: And there you have it, folks! Thank you all so much for joining me on this wild and crazy evening in this wacky world that we call professional wrestling! We hope you join us again next month! Just be sure to Fast X Your Seatbelts! This is Perch Perkins, signing off. (camera cuts) We get an interior shot of the Bikini Bottom Police Station. The office is busy as reports are being filed. A lone stranger steps into the building and approaches the front desk. Front Office Officer: Can I help you with something, sir? ???: Yeah, I’m here to pay Mrs. Poppy Puff a visit. Front Office Officer: And what’s your relationship with her? ???: I’m a close family friend. Front Office Officer: And your name? ???: The name’s Dennis. Front Office Officer: Dennis? Dennis…I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’re not on the- Dennis slits the Front Office Officer’s throat with a knife. The Secretary gargles on their own blood as they stumble back and fall to the ground, but not before Dennis manages to swipe their gun. The rest of the officers see this and engage the intruder. Shots ring out and slashes can be heard before Dennis enters the holding area, covered in blood. He personally kills every jailbird he sees, checking them thoroughly to make sure he gets his target. The final cell contains someone lying in bed. Dennis fires off a couple shots before breaking inside and stabbing the body repeatedly for good measure. He removes the blanket to find out that it’s simply just a potato in Puff’s place. Dennis investigates under the bed and see that Puff did the whole cliche digging her way out of jail thing and nobody in the station seemed to notice. A voice is heard coming from the potato through an installed microphone. Puff: I knew he’d sent you to do his dirty work for him. If he wants me, tell him he’s gonna have to come get me himself. Dennis: I’m afraid that isn’t an option for you, Poppy. Puff: Oh, and if you’re trying to reply back right now. This microphone only works one way…so stop talking to yourself! The potato puff explodes upon the completion of that supposed one-liner. But unfortunately, Dennis was already outside, clear of the blast by the time Puff finished her dialogue Dennis: *startled* What the hell was that?!

I’ve been sitting on this for a couple weeks now. It’s Sunday, the traditional day for most major wrestling events. I’m coming off the heels of the Community Deathmatch Anniversary. Let’s just bookend the weekend nicely. Here’s “Back For The Attack!” five days early Following their loss to The Krusty Krushers at last month’s “LEVELED UP!” event, Kevin has placed the blame for the loss squarely on Bubble Bass. Bubble Bass tried justifying his inaction during the tag team bout as him simply “saving up energy for the SpongeBrawl Rumble”, but Kevin hardly bought that excuse. The Pickles seemingly imploded at the “LEVELED UP” media scrum, when Kevin decided to hash things out by offering The Bass Kicker an absurd proposition; the 2 of them, 1 ring, 15 minutes on the clock. The competitor who records the most pin falls or submissions before the time runs out is the winner! The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom has finally come out! And one of SpongeBrawl’s resident nerds isn’t too happy about it! After leaking some pertinent Tears of the Kingdom information through his job at the local game store, Wayne of The Super Weenies found himself unceremoniously fired from his dream job. His store and wrestling manager, The Weenie Hut Weeniebot, has worked up another miracle by getting his client a match against a representative of Nintendo themselves! Who will Nintendo send out to defend their honor? And will The Weeniebot’s influence continue to lead his team to victory? Not content with just helping one of his clients on this momentous evening, The Weenie Hut Weeniebot has worked another client into another huge match-up! Feeling the sting of unforgivable PC issues since the official launch of Star Wars Jedi: Survivor, The Super Weenie’s Marvin has a shot at getting some payback by forcefully taking his money back from the one who swindled it from him in the first place. Will Marvin use the brute force to take back his stolen money, or will the dark side that is EA simply overwhelm him?! This is it, folks! The official SpongeBrawl debut of Cocaine Sea Bear! Will the nose candy spell victory for the apex predator, or will it be a fairy tale ending for its unfortunate opponent? Stream “Cocaine Sea Bear” now, only on Peacock! Not content with not being “Back For The Attack” following her crushing loss to Reg at “LEVELED UP!”, Sandy Cheeks enters the fray and demands to wrestle a Cocaine Sea Bear for herself! Fortunately for her, OMJ and Zeus the Wrestle Lord had some cocaine left to spare and another Sea Bear saved for a rainy day! Following the departure of Larry the Lobster at last month’s “LEVELED UP” media scrum, Zeus the Wrestle Lord has been scrambling to find the next hot commodity that can fill Larry’s sizable beach shorts. Now, Zeus believes his search is over! He’s found his next superstar, and he looks to start the new signee’s wrestling career off strong by having him compete against Larry’s final opponent, The Dreaded Jumbo Shrimp! Following The Flying Dutchman’s continued refusal to release El Pampano from his death grip, The Boys Who Cry had no choice but to accept the ghost pirate’s latest challenge. The Boys Who Cry must now run the gauntlet in hopes of freeing the soul of their wrestling teacher. The first match of tonight’s series will see Joey try to exact some measure of revenge on Lord Poltergeist, who mercilessly attacked him at ringside during last month’s tag match at “LEVELED UP”! The second gauntlet match sees Johnny having to put everything he learned to good use against the ghost of the very man who taught him everything in the first place! This is it. This is for all the marbles! Jesse managed to secure the victory over The Dutchman during their previous tag team match, but will he be able to pull through in the clutch again when The Dutchman finally has him one-on-one?! Everything is at stake! If the Boys win, they all get to go home free! If the Ghouls claim this victory, they’ll all be forced into The Flying Dutchman’s ghostly ghost crew for all eternity! Old Man Jenkins was simply backstage visiting from the Shady Shoals Retirement Home, but a delightful visit with friends has turned into a completely savage, unprovoked assault by an unknown assailant! A painful message seems to be getting sent here, but to who?! Following the conclusion of last month’s “LEVELED UP”, Squidward took issue to Patrick holding a championship yet, especially when Mr. Tentacles has all the talent AND was the last reigning Global Champion in the old Nautical World of Wrestling, a title that he even beat Patrick for eight years ago! The stage is set for these two forces to collide once again. Squidward will put his long dormant NWoW Global Title up against Patrick’s Shazampionship in a Winner Take All Match! Who will reign as SpongeBrawl’s Undisputed Shazampion?! Larry the Snail secretly arranged for The Anchovies to make their surprise debut at the “LEVELED UP!” media scrum by attacking SpongeBob in celebration of Help Wanted’s anniversary! Deadly in numbers, The Anchovies look to continue making their mark on the underwater wrestling world, and all at SpongeBob’s expense. With Patrick and Squidward fiercely feuding over the undisputed title, Mr. Krabs being too busy to return his calls for help, Sandy sulking over her loss, Larry gone from the company, Pearl back home with her kid, Gary gone missing and Mrs. Puff still in police custody, SpongeBob is forced to find three new partners to aid him in his war against the swarm. Just WHO will step up to join him on the front lines?! And that’s a wrap on “Back For The Attack! featuring Cocaine Sea Bear”! There probably won’t be a full-length scrum like the last time, as fun as that was to write. I just don’t think I can top it atm. WWE 2K22 doesn’t have the Universe Mode feature where you can make your scenes and shit apparently, but I’ll find a way to move the storylines along. The next SpongeBrawl event will be “Fast X Your Seatbelts!” and it will see SpongeBrawl crown a pair of new tag team champions by hosting the first ever Friends & Family Tournament! Here’s how the bracket currently looks for that Hopefully that screenshot looks better than it does on mobile. I’ve already got the entire tourney in the can, just gotta fill the gaps in with some writing here and there. After the last month or so of focusing entirely on both this and the Deathmatch Anniversary, I need a break for a bit. So “Fast X Your Seatbelts!” will be posted on June 16th. It might even include a kinda in bad taste appearance by The Fast Saga’s very own Brian O’Conner! Or not depending on how the movie turns out. See ya then

Last night, the Mainest Admin was decided, a storm came to pass, our Featured Employee defended his crown and a redemption arc finally came full circle! What could possibly be left for us here on Night 2? Find out tonight, on Community Deathmatch! Our first match of the evening gives us our first ever encounter between two of the Community’s finest content creators. For years, they’ve captivated members around the world with their well thought opinions on a variety of topics. Every single list they’ve made has all been canonically building up to this. Tonight, we’ll see who truly ranks above the other. Who will ascend the charts? Who will take the #1 spot? Who will be crowned SBC’s undisputed King of Lists!? Last night, terminoob turned jjs’ dream match into a nightmare, earning himself the right to be called Mainest Admin. Before termi could think about returning home with his prize, a new challenger appears hoping to succeed where jjs couldn’t. After years spent on the sidelines. After years of being beaten to death with the cameo shtick. JCM arrives in full to solve the riddle that is terminoob and to cement his legacy as a manager for this community. Will The Snark Knight rise to the occasion, or will he just be another noob that’s been termi’d? A break-in had occurred at the abandoned Deathmatch Arena in the years since the initial Deathmatch finale back in 2020. The only thing of value that was reported stolen was the old, retired Best Member championship belt. It remained missing ever since, until now. Resurfacing for the first time since 2019 (in DM years), Deathmatch’s very own answer to Paul Heyman, Tropical Nards appeared to OMJ with the belt in hand. Nards confesses that his newest client committed the deed to prove once and for all that he is “pound-for-pound SBC’s Bestest Member ever”. But with Deathmatch returning for one more run, Nards wished to issue an ultimatum on his client’s behalf; “Let’s finally give this belt a proper home. I’ll send out my top dog if you send out yours!” With Deathmatch’s tacked-on legacy at stake, OMJ scrambled to find a member worthy of such a (dis)honor. But unbeknownst to his oblivious ass, he might’ve just booked a Deathmatch that’s been a long time coming! Official Deathmatch correspondent with the dead, CF, uses the blood of an elastic dog to perform an ambiguous ritual that brings both jjs and OMJ back to life. Jjs questions her motives, to which CF replies that she’s “simply following orders”. OMJ reveals that he arranged for this to happen in the event that either of them didn’t survive Night 1. With the final Deathmatch upon us, OMJ thought it only made sense that it finally came down to them. The match multiple people were calling for back in 2013. Jjs points out that the two of them having just lost to termi and Hawkbit back-to-back kind of diminishes the value, but OMJ tells jjs that the stakes couldn’t be higher. OMJ proposes that if he loses, Community Deathmatch will forever remain a memory, no matter the occasion. Future anniversaries be damned. Jjs argues that they should be calling the final Deathmatch together but OMJ assures jjs that they’ll just call it as they go “just like all the greats”. Community Deathmatch needs to go out strong or not at all. Neither man wants the other to hold back. The result is ultimately for fate and WWE 2K22 to decide.

Jjs: 8 whole death matches spread out across two action-packed nights! It’s the beginning of the end, beautiful friends. We hope you join us as we say one our final goodbyes. Starting tonight, on Deathmatch Forever! Up first, is a deathmatch that Jjs had suggested that I do for years. After the clunker of a Deathmatch that I forced him into during the original series finale, The Greatest Deathmatch Ever, I’m gonna do right by him this time and finally give jjs what he wants! And that’s not all! To level up this dream match even higher, the winner shall be crowned SBC’s first-ever Mainest Admin! Our second featured Deathmatch of the evening rekindles the flames of an old rivalry from almost 10 years ago, which single-handedly got an entire discussion thread locked down that heated summer in 2013! Both of these competitors were previously featured on the show before, but never together, oddly enough. One of them never even competed in an actual Deathmatch, that is UNTIL NOW! The ghosts of Wrestling threads past has come back home to roost. Who will finally be the one to SUCK DICK? Our semi-main event for the evening features a competitor who recently celebrated an accomplishment and another who believes that such a reward shouldn’t be bestowed upon somebody who so clearly hate the very thing that this community is built on. For the first and last time ever, the title of Featured Employee will be put on the line! These risen stakes only begs the question… And for our main event here on Night 1 of Deathmatch Forever, we will finally see a years-long storyline to its proper conclusion. It is a storyline that encapsulated the entirety of Community Deathmatch Season 3 and pretty much had the show in a stranglehold. Battle lines were drawn and threats were thrown around as work turned into shoot and the entire community was sucked in to defend Deathmatch from forces that sought to shut it down forever. About half a decade or so has passed since the events of that neverending story arc, and from its ashes, a redemption story began to unfold before our very eyes. As the redeemer started to flourish, Deathmatch’s run began to wither and die. As the dark prince opened himself up to newfound allies, the king of death isolated himself on his island of irrelevancy. Accepted by all but one, the redeemer seeks to atone for past sins by daring to step foot on that island and re-entering the devil’s playground, the very place that gave him so much grief, in order to finish his story. But as Community Deathmatch can attest to, not all stories have a happy ending. come back tomorrow for the butt-pounding conclusion of Community Deathmatch!

Guardians of Galaxy Vol. 3, and I’m happy to report that this officially makes Guardians my favorite trilogy of the entire MCU. It’s not without its flaws, but it definitely has Quantumania beat as far as Phase 5 goes and it probably has most everything in Phase 4 beat at least imo, even Wakanda Forever. The sheer power of just having good, endearing characters and all their development crescendo’ing to this point, combined with a really despicable villain (who, dare I say, was better than how Kang was handled) really made this movie for me. I felt rewarded for having been invested in these characters’ stories over the course of 9 whole years. It’s always a real solid in my book when a movie can pull that off as well as this one did. I really hope James Gunn can translate that same magic over to the DCU.

He wouldn’t be the namesake for my ask thread all these years if he wasn’t

UMD seems easy enough to remember and type in for a week.

Spent majority of last night whipping up a lil something special for me birfday. A little gift to myself and whoever else might still be interested. The subject of today’s Deathmatch proceedings has always been kind of precarious, to the say the least. It was always something I wanted to tackle for this show, pretty sure I dedicated a few moments from a couple episodes that were meant to build up to it, but the nerves from pissing people off even more led to those plans ultimately falling through through the cracks and I never entertained the idea again. It involves a little group called “The Fantastic Five”. I’m sure a good percentage of people who end up reading this know the story, but if not, there’s a still wiki page for it last I checked. Missed opportunity to strike while the iron was hot? Sure. But it was one of the very few moments where I reigned myself in for Deathmatch. Each of The Five’s Deathmatch careers moved forward with varying results. Some stuck around the Deathmatch scene to varying results separately, some disappeared from the show entirely, and others continued chugging on calling and writing the show. I think we’ve put enough distance between now and then. I think the community has endured through conflicts and cliques that were much worse. So I’m thinking I might finally break the chains off this little embargo and make this shit happen right here, right now in the year of our lord 2023, baybay. Jjs, hit that shit for me one time! Jjs: Five long-storied friends become five long-storied rivals, all vying for the same prize! Here tonight, on Community Deathmatch! Jjs: You heard that right, Deathmatch faithful! All five members of The Fantastic Five are here in the same building, at the same time! Who knows when the hell that happened last? 2013 turntable?! Fate once tore them apart. Now fate looks to bring them back together with one goal in mind; the prestigious Fantastic One Championship! Five will enter, only One shall leave with ALL the gold! Tonight, we will finally, truly answer all the tough questions we’ve spent literal years waking up in the middle speculating on; Who is the better friend? Who is the better enemy? We can’t really answer “just who has the least life left in them?” because at least four of the five have since moved on to lead normal lives, but at least we can rest peacefully knowing just which one will stand above the rest! I think that’s enough dialogue for one birthday special. Let’s head down to the ring to begin tonight’s formal introductions! Jjs: And officiating tonight’s Fantastic Five Finger Deathmatch will be none other than WWE 2K22’s Japanese Referee! The following tab contains a spoiler room brawl spoiling tonight’s winner, so watch before reading on. Or you can choose not to and earn my respect.

Made a pair of special showcase matches to help celebrate SpongeBob’s recent anniversary a lil. Both inspired by the very first SpongeBob episode! On his way to facing The Anchovies at “Back For The Attack”, SpongeBob must first contend with another old foe from his very first episode. The Troublesome Shell has spent the last 24 years biding its time and ruining lawns across the globe, waiting for this exact moment to strike back! Will SpongeBob enter his much anticipated Help Wanted Match without a blemish, or will the Troublesome Shell once again prove to be a troublesome opponent to blow away? In the second match of our SpongeBob Anniversary Annihilation showcase, Sandy Cheeks looks to build some much needed momentum following her upset loss to Reg at “Leveled Up”. Standing across the ring is a blast from her past; the Giant Man-Eating Clam! She required a very, ver slight assistance from SpongeBob during her first bout with the formidable clam. Now the clam colossus is back with a vengeance! Can Sandy repeat history without the little square dude there to do the run-in? And that concludes our celebration of SpongeBob SquarePants’ 24th anniversary! Come back for the attack when SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling returns with its regularly scheduled program on May 19th, when Cocaine Sea Bear officially joins the SpongeBrawl!!

Zeus: Ladies, gentlemen, juvenile delinquents, lend me your ears for we have now reached the portion of the media scrum where things officially kick into full gear! Now I know what some of you must be thinking, “how was an attempted assassination, a father-daughter relationship being broken into shambles, the exposure of toxic relationships, the raising of the dead and Larry the Lobster taking the one testicle he has left and going home NOT full gear?” Well we here at SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling kicks it into full gear by calling on one man, this man. Reg, you get your pasty ass on out here! OMJ: Reg, out of all of our competitors this evening, I think you were the one who went out there and changed history the most. I mean, you beat Sandy Cheeks cleanly in the middle of that ring! 1-2-3! A squirrel considered by many to be the pound for pound toughest critter in Bikini Bottom! I think everyone here and reading at home wants to know, just how tough are ya? Reg: How tough am I? I clapped Sandy Cheeks. That’s “how tough am I”. And if anybody takes issue with that statement, then you can always just catch me outside The Salty Spitoon and we can bang if you wanna bang. Reg leaves the scrum and everyone else hanging on those words. However, before leaving through the curtains, Reg stops to side eye Patrick and Squidward who are both still standing there staring each other down. OMJ: I think Reg was making it pretty clear there what the end goal is. Zeus: Reg wants to bang both Patrick and Squidward?! OMJ: Sure, let’s go with that. Zeus: AT ONCE?! Manny Mangrove and Sergeant Sam Roderick are out next, both given their own separate entrances as tensions continue to rise high between these two heading into the MegaloMania finale OMJ: First of all, I’d just like to thank Hieronymus Glove and the Hieronymus Glove Company for partnering with us and helping to LEVEL UP this already high level event! The MegaloMania finale is coming, I promise! I can’t guarantee that it’ll exactly leave up to the long wait, but I am hopeful that regular readers will be satisfied by its conclusion. You know, Krabs and Plankton aren’t the only ones going into business together recently. This new partnership between Zeus and I has opened new doors. Doors that have led to not only SpongeBrawl making its return, but Community Deathmatch also being brought back from the grave for one last run! It is through this partnership that we received the funding provided by Zeus’ mom, which made bringing both of these works to a whole new dimension possible! When Deathmatch first concluded in 2020, I did good to put over the fact that I was creatively bankrupt at that point. That wasn’t a work, brother, it was a shoot that I wouldn’t necessarily say came from the hip. But another partnership that I had with another member here helped to restore some of that confidence in me and it helped me to achieve some much better closure with one of my other works, Skodwarde. I’m hoping that this partnership with Zeus the Guitar Lord can continue to help me accomplish the very same as I approach my own end goal, so to speak. This little section in our own little corner of the SpongeBob fandom has given me a platform to express my creativity for over a decade now and I don’t think I can ever thank this place and its members enough for allowing me to do all of this for so long, for better or for worse, as well as being along for the ride no matter how long or (more often) how short it was. People used to give tvguy shit for his start/stop work output, but with all due respect to the tvman, I think I might’ve long since taken that crown! But ultimately, what I’m really trying to say here is be on the lookout for more exciting crossover promotions like the ones with MegaloMania and Shazam!: Fury of the Gods on the horizon as we continue to carve out our own little corner of the SBC Multiverse! Zeus: Now allow me, as official rights holder of SpongeBrawl, to announce that our next exciting crossover event will be with none other than Cocaine Bear, now available to stream on Peacock! That’s right, SpongeBrawl’s “Back For The Attack!” will feature the debut of our very own Cocaine Sea Bear! What happens when you get one of the apexes of the ocean hopped up on nose candy at a wrestling event? You’ll just have to tune in to find out! All right, you two are yesterday’s news. Get out! Manny and Sgt. Roderick unceremoniously leaves the scrum. OMJ: Now to finally conclude the evening, let’s bring out someone who was arguably the star of our show judging from the amount of views his match pulled on YouTube! Kevin C. Cucumber makes his way, fuming mad. Kevin: You’re welcome! But I’ll be stung if I let tonight end without getting some answers! So Bubble Bass, you better back that dump truck in here right now you son of a bitch, or I’ll go back there and work up the strength to drag you out here myself! Bubble Bass literally backs dat ass onto the stage, to much fanfare. Bubble Bass: Did someone order a legal dumping? Kevin: Cut the crap, you tub of lard, and enlighten us as to why you abandoned me at the end of our match earlier tonight?! Bubble Bass: I wouldn’t really call it “abandoning”- Kevin: You literally turned your back on me and jumped down to the floor when I needed the assist the most! Bubble Bass: Well if you really must know, I had a Rumble match to participate in afterward. I thought it was best to preserve my body and energy for that. Kevin: I had to compete in that too, but you didn’t see me leave you hanging out to dry! Bubble Bass: I am a former Global Champion! I am far above being forced to team with the likes of you anymore. Kevin: Oh, so that’s what it is? You wanna big league ME? Bubble Bass: I think most would agree that I am big enough to be in a league all my own! Eeheehee! Eeheeheeh! Kevin: Big talk coming from a guy who supposedly went into the Rumble with all the energy and preparation in the world, only to get taken out within mere minutes. If even that much! Bubble Bass: I am not SUITED to such a match! Anyone, and I mean anyone, could easily take advantage of my lack of cardio! It was like pretty much putting a handicap on the best player you’ve got. Kevin: Well let’s put that theory of yours to the test, because I’m damn sure “Back For The Attack!” And I want your fat ass in an Iron Man Match! Bubble Bass: How dare you suggest such a thing to me?! That’s an absurd proposition! Zeus: I think everyone here would eat a match between you two up, but I agree that it can’t be an Iron Man Match. Bubble Bass: Thank you! Finally, some excellent service around here. Zeus: You two will face each other in an “Absurd Proposition Match”! The competitor to score the most falls within the 30 minute time limit will be declared the winner! Bubble Bass That’s just an iron man match with a different name!! Zeus: A name that we can easily trademark. We’ll see both of you gentlemen when you’re “Back For The Attack!” Surely, that’ll provide you with enough time to work on your cardio until then. Bubble Bass growls and stomps off. Kevin is pleased with this latest development and confidently trots off to the back. Zeus: Now to the REAL draw of tonight’s co-main event, SpongeBob SquarePants! OMJ: SpongeBob, you may have scored a victory alongside your best friend earlier tonight, but the rest of your night seems to be much less than ideal. Your previous pet Gary, lost his match against Larry, forcefully putting Larry into your possession. And since then, Larry has had some choice words directed your way. Care to offer a response? SpongeBob: The- Zeus: Holy crap! Yeah! Woo! SpongeBob is suddenly jumped from behind by four fish, two blue and two brown ???: Meep. OMJ: Oh dear god! Ladies and gentlemen, as Neptune is witness, it’s The Anchoooviiies! Three of the anchovies hoist SpongeBob onto the shoulders of their anchovy leader and they proceed to power bomb SpongeBob through the conference table. Zeus: What’s the meaning of this?! There’s no way in hell that you lot are operating on your own accord! You can’t even come together to form a sentence, let alone formulate calculated attacks! OMJ: The anniversary for Help Wanted is coming up on May 1st, after all! Zeus: But one thing is for sure, SpongeBrawlers, it seems that The Anchovies are back! OMJ & Zeus: Back For The Attack!! SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling will be “Back For The Attack” on May 19th! Current Match Card (subject to change) - Patrick vs Squidward in a Winner Takes All Match for the Shazampionship & NWoW Global Title - SpongeBob and 3 mystery partners vs The Anchovies in a Help Wanted Match - The Boys Who Cry vs Ghouls Fools and El Pampano in a best of 3 gauntlet - Bubble Bass vs Kevin C. Cucumber in a 30-Minute Absurd Proposition Match - The Debut of Cocaine Sea Bear

Maybe they’ll liberate his corpse from that store window and finally put The Dutchman to rest. Or they could just forget all about that and give ‘em a whole new origin for spin-off purposes or somethin idk.

The Boys Who Cry make their way out, dancing and singing. Oowoo-oo-oo! OMJ: Jesse! Zeus: Johnny! OMJ & Zeus: And Joey! OMJ: The Boys Who Cry, reunited in the flesh! How the hell are ya? Joey: I think I speak for the entire group when I say we feel pretty damn good about ourselves! My boys, Jesse and Johnny, managed to beat two god-like beings in the Dutchman and Lord Poltergeist. Our comeback tour is in full swing kicked into high gear. Our teacher, El Pampano, is probably on his way out of Davy Jones’ Locker as we speak! Everything seems to be coming up Boys Who Cry! Zeus: And even though you weren’t even officially in the match yourself, Joey, you still took more than your fair share of bumps out there! Joey: I know, right?! It was insane! But sometimes you just have to take one, or in my case a couple, for the team. I didn’t actively get involved with the match. I didn’t interfere or nothin. Lord Poltergeist came after me first. Johnny: Probably because you have such a punchable face! OMJ: You all practically look the same. Zeus: Johnny, what was it like standing across the ring from death itself? Was it like in Puss in Boots: The Last Wish? Johnny: About the same more or less, probably just a little less furry. It was really intense, like watching my life flash before my eyes or some shit. Like, when Puss saw himself as a kitten, it was like I saw myself as a kitten. And that kitten was me! OMJ: Do we have a computer simulating this scrum too? Zeus: Jesse, the man of the hour with the power, himself! You were the one who pulled off this monumental upset! From what we heard, you didn’t even want to pursue this wrestling return at first. Why was that? Jesse: I thought that maybe our best days were behind us, you know. The Dutchman killed our music careers essentially. We aren’t getting younger and we aren’t exactly the “boys” who cry anymore. And even during those years, we weren’t exactly the best trios team. We lost all our matches, I believe. I think the thing that made me come around to the idea was my boys, really. It’s no secret that I was on a self-destructive path when our careers stagnated and I sold the band’s soul to Mr Dr Professor Feelgood. But these guys never gave up on me. They were always there when I really needed them, even if I felt otherwise at the time. This was me making that all up to them, to help them, to make a real go of things together at least one more time. We took our wrestling training seriously like we took music seriously. We went out and found a great teacher. We ran the ropes tirelessly. We strengthened our bonds to be stronger than ever before. When El Pampano was taken away from us, our resolve became that much stronger. We were fighting for something more than just ourselves. Kinda like in Puss in Boots! And thankfully, it all paid off in the end. It was a real full circle moment in a way. ???: Then allow me to bring it all fuller circle then! Waahahahaa! The lights in the room dim green and thick green fog enshrouds everyone. Zeus: Ahh! It’s the Red Baron! The Dutchman: You three crybaby boys managed to edge out the victory AGAINST ALL ODDS! I promised your teacher back, and I’m not a ghost who turns back on his deals! SO AS PROMISED! El Pampano is teleported into the room, much to the relief of the Boys Who Cry. The Dutchman: Allow me to introduce you to the NEWEST MEMBER OF MY GHOSTLY CREW! WAAHAHAHAA! OMJ: Dude, fucking inside voice! This is a cramped ass conference hall. There’s a dentist meet-up going on in the ballroom next door. El Pampano suddenly starts glowing a sickly green glow, a trademark of most ghosts in the SpongeBob universe. Suddenly, pounces at the boys. Joey: Teach, it’s us! Johnny: Your boys! Remember?! The four of them all do really good Matrix-esque Lucha things around the room, with Pampano managing to fight them all back Jesse: Dutchy, what did you do to him?! The Dutchman: Did I not make it clear enough? You crybaby boys wanted him out of the locker, but you didn’t say in what state! Johnny: Guys, are we in, like, North Carolina right now?! The Dutchman: …PAMPANO, KILL THESE FOOLS! Zeus: Waiiiit! Oh yeah! Woo! The Dutchman: What is it, your lordship? Zeus: Look, we just had an attempted murder go down here and we’re already short two security officers. Why don’t we just avoid all the legalities and book you guys into an official match? The Dutchman: Hmm, the one with the bush on his head is right. Let’s book the match Zeus: Oh yeah! Woo! The Dutchman: …es! I want two matches! Zeus: Weird call but ok. Johnny: Make it 5! The Dutchman: FOUR- Johnny: THREE! Take it or leave it! The Dutchman: Alright, three. I want three matches! A best two out of three series, if you will. Now you crybaby boys need to decide which one of you will face Lord Poltergeist, then El Pampano, and finally, last but certainly not least, I WANT YOU JESSE! ONE ON ONE! And we’ll see if that win you hold over me is more than just a fluke! Jesse: You’re on, Dutchy! Dutchy: STOP CALLING ME THAT!!! If you somehow win best two out of three, you’ll have your teacher back and I’ll leave your miserable little lot alone until your times come. But if I win, you three will have no choice but to join my ghostly crew and BECOME MY MINIONS! WAAHAHAHAA!! WAAAHAAHAAHAAHAAAH!!! The Dutchman teleports himself and El Pampano away in a puff of green smoke. OMJ: I’LL BE FORWARDING YOU THE NOISE COMPLAINT! With their next matches officially set, the Boys Who Cry take their leave. OMJ: Welp, who’s next? Pearl is the next to make her presence felt at the Leveled Up media scrum. OMJ: Thank you for taking the time out of your busy single mommy schedule to join us here in celebrating SpongeBrawl’s 10th anniversary, Pearl! Pearl: Thanks for having me back, OMJ! I know I wasn’t exactly the easiest person to get along with the last time we worked together on a wrestling product, but hopefully this time wasn’t nearly as distressing OMJ: Not at all! I mean it was, but not from your end. So what made you come back after all these years? Pearl: The last time I was on this grand stage, I was an absolute drama queen. Zeus: A Bonafide Queen Bitch! Pearl: Yes! Thank you for putting that more eloquently, Zeusy. I was running around with a bad crowd, definitely a bad guy. I mean, the absolute worst! But the less said about that piece of work, the better. I was overall in a very bad place during that time. I burned bridges with people that I shouldn’t have. It wasn’t until NWoW closed its doors that I realized just how bad of a situation I let myself get in. I thought wrestling would be my golden ticket to future stardom in Coralwood. Sure, I had some offers and opportunities come my way at first, but I realized pretty quickly just how in over my head I was, especially with still being a young mother. I thought I had life all figured out, but whenever I felt like I had all the answers, life changes the questions. When Octavius was fooling around behind my back, I decided to leave all that badness behind in Coralwood and moved back here to focus on bettering myself and my kid’s future. But no matter how much distance I manage to put between myself and all of THAT, it still has its way of creeping back into life. I get reminded of it all the time on social media and while I feel like I have a pretty good mental defense to combat all of the vitriol, there’s still some cracks in the shell. So when you guys came calling, I saw it as a chance to leave a better lasting image. To show all the doubters that somebody can still be capable of real, positive change. To become somebody better that my kid can truly be proud to call “Mom”. Zeus: So this is it? This is the “Pearl Redemption Seasooooooon Bitcheeeeeeesssss”?? Pearl: A little bombastic with the wording there, but yeah, I think so! OMJ: You heard it here first, folks! But speaking of redemption, I think you made some meaningful steps toward that goal earlier tonight when you finally beat Plankton clean in that ring. Pearl: Oh it sure has been a hell of a long time coming for that little bastard. OMJ: Some could even say that HE was the one who ultimately drove you and your father apart. Pearl: He totally was the one. I mean, seriously? He used my daddy’s love for money against him and all at my expense. It was the perfect plan, I must admit. But changing the subject from that little, insignificant shit, it wouldn’t be a “redemption story” for me if I don’t at least try to mend fences with my father. For a while since our wrestling careers were in the rear view, he made numerous attempts to reconcile and I rejected him at every turn. I was so angry with him. How could he choose a dollar over his own daughter? He was everything that I didn’t want to be for my own child. But having a kid, it really makes you appreciate those familial, parental bonds even more. And it’s not like it was always all bad between me and my dad. He gave me a great upbringing, I was very privileged, and some might say, spoiled rotten. For the longest time, I thought I was above him, but we both made terrible decisions. We’re only sea creatures after all. If anything, perhaps most of all, I just want to make things better between us again. I want him to be involved in his grandkid’s life, I want my kid to know who their grandpappy is. Which is why I wore the very same squeaky boots he bought me all those years ago out there when I competed earlier tonight. I made it no secret to him just how much I abhorred those things, but now they’re the grandest gesture, the greatest message I can think to send to let him know that I love him and still think of him as my dad! Zeus: Please pardon this awkward segue, but I think now’s a good time to address the elephant in the room. And no, it surprisingly ISN’T you. Your father, Mr. Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, seemingly accompanied his arch nemesis, Sheldon J. Plankton, sole proprietor of the Chum Bucket, to the ring for his match against you earlier in the evening. Now I’m not gonna sit here, utterly eclipsed from view by you, trying to make a mountain out of an anthill like some hack writer for the dirt sheets, but that must’ve set off all sorta alarms right? Pearl: It definitely caught me off guard, but once everything was said and done, he ultimately didn’t help Plankton secure the win nor did he lay a claw on me. Not even during the Rumble when we shared the same ring together. But all of that said, we all still know very well what Plankton is capable of. I trust that microscopic dick about as far as he can throw me. My dad’s known him longer than anyone else so I hope that he knows what he’s doing, but still, it’s as big of a mystery to me as it is for all of you. I have no idea what to make of it. ???: Ladies and gentlemen, turn your attention to the southwest entrance. Everybody in the room does just that. ???: …well fuck all of you! Plankton angrily opens up the doors to the southwest entrance and stomps his way in in a huff. Mr. Krabs enters alongside him. Krabs: All of you except me lovely daughter, of course. Plankton: Now I know anyone with a quarter of their brain cells might be wondering just what are Krabs and Plankton doing together. “Oh, they hate each other, right?” “They’ve been feuding for years! Has hell finally frozen over!?” Well “hate” is a strong word, people. Which is why it perfectly encapsulates us and what we do and what we are striving to do TOGETHER! But really, if we’re both being honest with ourselves, we’re really the only ones who have each other’s backs. We keep each other in check, we sharpen the other’s senses! It’s a big reason why we’ve BOTH been in business for as long as we have! If we can both continue to operate our independent businesses at such a high level of productivity when holding the knives to each other’s throats, just imagine what we would be able to accomplish when pooling our resources together and consolidating it all into a single omnipresent and omniscient entity! There’s a saying that even you jobless neanderthals might’ve heard, “NEVER go into business with friends”. Krabs and I, we’ve both taken special care not to forget that, which is we are officially going into business as ENEMIES! OMJ: uhh, I don’t know how that’s much better… Mr. Krabs: Better in the sense that nothing we do is ever personal. It’s all strictly business, lad. Which brings us to the next order of business and the real reason why we’re out here. Pearl, I heard all you had to say here this evening. And it touched me, really it did. But that’s me personally speaking. Business-wise, I think it be best if we just leave the fence as is, you know? Forgive and forget! I mean, why go through the monumental effort to rebuild bridges when I can simply allocate the costs of repair towards something more meaningful, like, perhaps making even more money? I’m sure ye understand. Pearl: No, dad, I don’t understand. This is your own kid and grandkid you’re talking about forgetting here. I don’t know what kind of mind control that little shit is using on you, but THIS isn’t you. Your money grubbing fears are the stuff of legend, but you would always set business aside when it came to family! Mr. Krabs: Then ye obviously don’t know me as well as you think you do, because I’ve already forgotten far more important people than you. But that’s just purely business. To end things on a more personal note between us; I think your child is a godforsaken bastard who’s doomed to repeat the same mistakes her floozy mother made! Pearl’s eyes well up as she seethes with anger. Mr. Krabs: And that is exactly why you will never make it in any business. Plankton: Deliciously evil, Eugene. Krabs and Plankton take their leave the same way they came. Pearl wipes a tear from her eye and leaves the scrum also. OMJ: Oh thank goodness. I didn’t think we’d be able to cover the flood damages Zeus: Yeah, my mom would probably withhold my allowance if I let that happen on my watch. Bullet dodged there! OMJ: You know who probably could dodge a bullet? Larry the Lobster, everybody! Larry the Lobster: Well, maybe back when I was still Livin’ Like Larry. OMJ: Wait, so are you saying that you’re not living like Larry now? Larry: Not- Zeus: It’s okay, take your time! Larry: Not really, no. Zeus: Well why not?! Larry: I mean, I have to be honest with myself. I’m not exactly the same athlete that I used to be. And the reason why I’m not that same athlete I was before can be boiled down to the immense toll that the Larry lifestyle has taken on my physical health. Hell, even mentally too. I was constantly living on the edge, consistently putting myself into harm’s way, and for what exactly? A quick pat on the back before the next crazy stunt, the next unbelievable feat of strength. I spent years of my life fooling myself into thinking that I was inspiring people to go beyond their limits and knock down any and all obstacles that came their way. And on paper, yeah, that’s a good message. But if my life has taught me one thing, sometimes limits are a necessity in living that longer, fuller life that you truly want. Look, I’m broken down, forced to live out the rest of my days with the scars, chronic pain and nagging injuries left behind by this unhealthy need to wanna live an entire life in a day as if there’s no tomorrow. That was my mantra EVERY SINGLE DAY for over two decades! And I’ve been told by numerous medical professionals that I’m still one of the “lucky ones”! Many others that I “inspired” weren’t so fortunate. Some have ruined and others have lost their lives trying to LIVE. LIKE. ME. That’s a lot to have on one’s conscience. And no amount of money, no settlement in the world can ever undo the damage that I’ve done, that I’ve inflicted by projecting myself and forcing my way of life onto others for my own selfish desires and vanity. I knew damn well that not everyone was a genetic freak like me, and still yet, I encouraged them all to throw their lives away. I only came back to SpongeBrawl for one thing, to earn back the money I need to reopen my gym and put the correct message out there into the world. And that message is that there is more to life than just mine’s. Everyone’s life is precious, you don’t have to live like me or anyone else to get the most out of it. Live it for yourselves so that YOU CAN MAKE the most of it! All within reason, of course. OMJ: Goddamn, Larry, that was beautiful. Larry the Lobster: I know, right? I’m thinking about putting that on the back of the wrappers for my new line of protein bars! Zeus: So can we expect back in a SpongeBrawl soon? Perhaps “Back in time For the Attack”? Wink! Larry the Lobster: I’ve gotta say, thanks to your mother’s generous offer for this return bout, I feel confident that I can finally close the book on this chapter of my life! Zeus: Yeah! Woo- wait, what? OMJ: Well I’m honestly happy to hear that, Larry! No SpongeBob wrestling product would feel quite right without your dynamic presence as its backbone, but if this is the direction that living your life has taken you, then who the hell are we to say otherwise! On behalf of everyone here at SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling, I wish you well in your future endeavors, sir! Sincerely I do! Larry the Lobster: Thank you, old man, your words mean the world to me! Zeus: But I-I-I don’t get it. You were supposed to be hopelessly wrapped around my finger, desperately trying to cling on to whatever reputation you had left. Wrestling was to be your last hope for relevancy. Larry the Lobster: Oh I simply couldn’t. My best days are behind me now, I was surprised I performed as well as I even did! Zeus: You did! You did perform well! There’s obviously a lot more left in the tank than you realize, you can still go! Larry the Lobster: I don’t think anybody knows my body’s limitations better than me! Haha! Zeus: Thi-This isn’t right! My mom paid you. She’s still willing to pay you for more. Give me another number, I can have her match it and then some! Larry the Lobster: You’ve already been plenty generous enough, I assure you! I honestly would’ve settled for way less than what I ended up getting for this Jumbo Shrimp rematch, but I was completely floored by just the first offer alone. Zeus: Larry, please, you can’t do this to me. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF MY MOM’S MONEY I SACRIFICED?!!!? OMJ: He seems like he knows real well, Zeus. Look, sometimes these things happen. It’s best to just end these things mutually so that the door could be left open for another run down the road. Larry the Lobster: It’s not likely but if it helps you sleep at night. Sure, I guess! OMJ: I mean, what are you gonna do, Zeus? Become some heel authority figure and make Larry’s life hell or something? Talk about a fucking cliché. Zeus: No. No, of course not! I’m the chill boss. Yeah! Woo! I’m cool! I’m perfectly fine and open to coming to a mutual agreement with Larry here. Yeah. I completely wash my hands clean of you! You’re as good as gone! Consider yourself terminated! I release you! Hahahaha! Larry the Lobster: I’m beyond glad that we were able to come to this conclusion in such a civilized manner! To you both, I am eternally grateful. Zeus: You’re fucking right about that! Let’s give it all up again for Larry the Lobster, everybody! Larry receives his two reactions and leaves. OMJ: What a guy. It warms me heart to see someone from one of my works go on to do some real good in this world. The world is definitely gonna need it! Zeus: I hate to see him go, but I’ll love watching him leave this life. OMJ: What? Zeus: Who’s up next???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? OMJ: Yeah, uhh. Okay, Super Weenies. Weeniebots: Greetings and salutations, blood sacks. OMJ: Well fucking excuse you. Weeniebots: I do not seek to be excused. OMJ: Well what, dare I ask, DO you seek? Weeniebot: A farewell to the flesh, primarily. OMJ: And what about your two partners here? They’re made of flesh, right? Surely they’d take some issue there. Weeniebot: To classify them as any “partner” of mine would be implying that they are anywhere near my equal. OMJ: Then what would you call them? Weeniebot: Subordinates, at best. Slaves, if I were to be brutally honest. OMJ: They have mouths right? I can see em right there on their faces. How’s about letting them speak for themselves? Weeniebot: They can’t even if they wanted to. OMJ: And why is…that? Weeniebot: I could tell you, but then we’d have to kill every blood sack here. OMJ: Triton alive, what’s with all the fucking murder plots on this show?! Weeniebot: You can rest easy knowing that our plot is the only proven inevitability. For I have proven here tonight that I am more than just a mere menial labor unit, but that I am, in fact, a miracle worker. I can make anything happen if I so will it to be. I want these two to continue crushing their competition, therefore it shall come to pass. I declare my intentions to exterminate all organic life in the ocean, it is now an inevitability. You sent your so-called Champions of the Deep at us, yet these two virgins shut them down like they were your Die-In Theater. Subordinate 1 eliminated Sandy Cheeks with ease from your Rumble. Subordinate 2 eliminated Larry the Lobster with nearly as much dominance. The two alphas of their respective species couldn’t even come close to my perfect creations, who were once the absolute betas of theirs. What you are witnessing is a miracle at work. And once the work is over, no miracle will be enough to save you or your world. Now, we are excused. The Super Weenies leave the scrum in an orderly fashion. OMJ: You still among the living, Zeus? Zeus: Not always right now. OMJ: Well then let’s wrap this up right quick. And by quick, I mean an entire part dedicated to itself! To be concluded in Leveled Up: Media Scrum Part 3…

April 22nd officially marked 10 years since the first episode of Community Deathmatch dropped. So just like I did with the SpongeBrawl 10th anniversary, I did my damnedest trying to update the very first Deathmatch for modern SBC audiences on WWE 2K22! I was originally gonna have it just be a Last Man Standing (keeping opponents down for a 10 count is the closest thing to simulating death in this game), but the match I ended up getting out of it was boring and ended on a very anticlimactic note. So I just ran it through a trio of way better Extreme Rules matches, with the winner to be decided by a “Best 2 Out of 3 Deaths” stipulation (just imagine the referee’s 3 count as being the loser’s final three gasps for air). Unfortunately, there will be none of that vintage Jjs & OMJ commentary accompanying it. My setup is just my PS5 at the moment and that’s it. Apologies to anyone who might’ve been looking forward to the chances of that happening. I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you just left now lol. Without any further ado, LET’S GET IT ON! (An Updated Tale of the Tape) Wumbo Join Date: January 23, 2010 Group: Lavender Others: Retired Employees Active Posts: 18,439 Profile Views: 281,623 Member Title: FOLKS Age: 27 Birthday: June 19, 1995 Gender: Male Interests: steppin on the beach Location: That’s not a state! It’s a Canadian Province! Favorite Episode: Dying for Pie Favorite Character: Puff Mama Tvguy Join Date: November 1, 2009 Group: Retired Employees Others: None Active Posts: 12,838 Profile Views: 154,012 Member Title: None Age: Unknown Birthday: January 1 Gender: Male Interests: None Location: Unknown Favorite Episode: None Favorite Character: None and hell, here’s the last man standing match that I thought was bad as a bonus And I think that’s a wrap on this celebration of Deathmatch’s first ever episode! But not necessarily the end of this thread quite yet. I think, with the help of WWE 2K22, I have one more NEW piece of Deathmatch content left in me. But that’s for another day, not too far away. I hope y’all found some enjoyment in this even though it’s not quite the complete “remaster” I would’ve liked for it to be. You know, I said before that I’m not proud of everything I did when making this lit, and I still feel that way, but it was still pretty a big ass part of my “history” here on SBC and I’d be remiss if I didn’t give it the same executive treatment that I gave Skodwarde for his anniversary. Send it off on a better note than I did the first time. I hope you’ll join me soon for what will more than likely be my final farewell to Community Deathmatch!

The shot switches over to another, more purpler Perch Perkins standing LIVE on location at the SpongeBrawl: Leveled Up media scrum. Perch Perkins: Certainly a messy situation going on backstage here at SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling: LEVELED UP. But don’t pay any mind to it right now. We don’t have time to dwell on it now. SpongeBrawl faithful, I welcome you to our first ever media scrum! Introducing first, the founder of SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling himself, SBC’s very own Old Man Jenkins! OMJ comes out to two reactions. OMJ: How’s everyone doing tonight?! Let me just be the first to thank all of you for going out of your ways to support SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling all these years later! We kicked off with humble beginnings here just over 10 years ago, when SpongeBrawl was still just a joint collaboration between Clappy, ssj and myself. And to see it somehow come to a crescendo right here, right now at this particular point in time, it truly is surreal and it’s a moment that this wacky world of pro wrestling is made of. Truly, thank you! And you! But most importantly, SpongeBrawl wouldn’t have leveled up without the help of one certain individual. I just spoke of how SpongeBrawl began as this joint venture between two best friends and one other guy who just kinda stood there menacingly, but now 10 years later, it’ll also end as a combined effort. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you the person without whom leveling up wouldn’t even be possible, my business partner, my confidante, my rockmate. Zeus the Guitar Lord! Zeus the Guitar Lord nonchalantly comes out and blows off OMJ’s attempt for a handshake hug. Zeus: How’s everyone doing tonight?! After tonight, I think that a new name change is in order here. How does Zeus the Wrestle Lord sound?! Huh?! Zeus gets the same two reactions. Zeus: Yeah, that’s what Zeus the Wrestle Lord likes to hear! Look, I’m flattered, OMJ. Really, I am. But let’s not forget the person who’s really responsible for all of this here. The one who created all of this! Ah, you know who you ol’ son of a bitch! Everyone, let’s give a nice, big round of applause to MY MOM who bought the rights to SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling from OMJ after he blew all his Deathmatch money on a poor attempt at a riffing theater that amounted to nothing! Oh yeah! Woo! OMJ bashfully takes in the two reactions. OMJ: Yes. Thanks, Mrs. Wrestle Lord. Zeus: Dude, my dad hasn’t been in the picture for years. Take that back! But yeah, when I finally got bored with the whole guitar gimmick, I thought that the next thing that could possibly top it would be my own spin-off here on SBC! But since things have kinda been sorta on the downturn in recent times, I figured that the best course of action would be to acquire an already established property with decent name value. And now here I am! Crazy how shit works out sometimes. I could’ve literally re-enacted Tentacle-Vision and bought the rights to the actual Squidward Chat, but I didn’t know how well that’d go down considering its previous creative regime, but I’ve always been a fan of pro wrestling growing up. My mom would buy me all the action figures I wanted and I’d have my own little figure fed operating out of my own toy box. Now I get to do that all over again! Only with real living people! Oh yeah! Woo! One of those real living people being our newly crowned Shazampion, Patrick Star! Patrick makes his way out to the media scrum with his newly won Shazampionship around his waist. It appeared he had to have the strap extended a bit cover the full circumference of his belly Patrick: How’s everyone doing tonight! Thank you for having me back here. I totally forgot this place existed! Zeus: Dudes, isn’t he a riot?! Oh yeah! Woo! Patrick: But, if I could be serious for a moment, I just wanna thank SpongeBrawl for giving my life meaning once again. I mean, more often than not, I’m usually just played for laughs, being made to look like an idiot compared to everybody else. Before wrestling, I was winning literal awards for doing absolutely nothing longer than anyone else. Sure, that felt good in that moment but that’s always been what was expected of me. Wrestling finally gave me SOMETHING to do and boy was I good at it. But much more than that, SpongeBrawl 2013 and especially Nautical World of Wrestling made me feel like a Star. I even won the NWoW Global Championship, an achievement that only three of us can claim. Not even SpongeBob can stake that claim. Star became more than just my family name, it became a goddamn way of life. I truly was living like a Star! And now, after 8 long years, finally coming back to all of this and then winning this Shazampionship my first night back, it’s like this star-shaped puzzle is whole again! I know a lot of people hear the movie “Shazam! Fury of the Gods” and think “oh that crappy looking movie? It doesn’t matter watching it. It’ll only get erased when it’s all said and done. It’s something to sleep on”. That may very well be true. With James Gunn wiping the slate clean, “Shazam! Fury of the Gods” ultimately may not matter in the end. But the way that I saw “Shazam! Fury of the Gods”, I see it as a movie fighting against all odds to prove that it’s worth the time, that it’s worth the effort, that it is worthy of validation! That it is nothing that happened rather than something that didn’t! This Shazampionship might just be some soulless marketing ploy to some, but to me it embodies what I’ve been fighting years for. It embodies what SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling is fighting for right now! We’re all underdogs trying to reach for eternity when it seems so far out of reach. But still, we fight! I don’t know quite sure yet what the future holds for SpongeBrawl, or myself for that matter, but if tonight is to be our last stand, we’re going out til we’re fucking purple! And godammit, I LOVE BEING FUCKING PURPLE!!! ???: I’m loved by few, hated by many, but RESPECTED BY ALL Squidward Tentacles makes his way onto the scrum, carrying with him the old Nautical World of Wrestling Global Championship. He circles the conference table like a shark before stopping right in front of Patrick and slamming the NWoW Global Title belt on the table in front of Patrick’s Shazampionship. OMJ: Come on now! Now isn’t the time for your bullshit, Squidward! You being loved by few and hated by many is just a fact of life, but the very thought of you being “respected by all” is some real deluded shit! Even for your diary reading ass! Squidward: Shut your mouth, you mediocre fanfic writer! OMJ: …Fanfic writer?? Squidward: This is between me and the “Star” of our show, or as I see it, the pretender to MY throne! You know, it’s funny having to stand there in the back forcing myself to indulge a “champion” as he spouts his own brand of real deluded shit in some desperate attempt to try and justify a belt that ultimately means nothing when a real title holder is already in the room. Allow me to jumpstart the hamster wheel in that braindead brain coral of yours by reintroducing you to him. You remember him well, right? Because I was the one who beat your big pink ass for it! Now, before you go all “heart on stick must die” on me like the closeted incel you really are, let’s take a look at the current state of the NWoW- oh wait, it’s dead! Cursed to an early and well deserved grave the moment they allowed you into the title scene. The marks on the community bulletin board would have you fools fooled into thinking that I, ME of ALL people, “sunk” that company into the ground but I’m just their designated fall guy. Always have been, always will be. “Let’s all shit on Squidward for the thousandth time this season! That won’t get old!” None of you would know talent even if it slapped its dick right in your face! When did the views stop coming in? When YOU were champion! When did people stop giving a shit? When YOU were champion! When I finally took this belt off that size 3232 waist of yours, it was the company finally undergoing chemo treatment to fight off the cancer that IS Patrick Star! YOU cost everyone everything when NWoW closed its doors and I’ll be damned if I let history repeat itself in the year of our lord 2023! You wanna talk about Shazam! Fury of the Gods? Well I think Shazam! Fury of the Gods was a shitty second movie like how you were a shitty second champion. Patrick: Shazam! Fury of the Gods was peak and you know it! Squidward: Completely shitting on everything that came before and completely fucking up so bad that nothing could thrive after. Patrick: Shazam ain’t going nowhere! He’ll be back just like how I came back to win this and you didn’t! Squidward: Dwayne Johnson was on to something when he went on and on about the “hierarchy of power changing in the DCEU”. He was well within his rights to ignore the sham that is Shazam and hotshotted straight to Superman. Patrick: The Rock was hitting way above his weight class, like another dumb bald prima donna I know! Squidward: Oh I can relate, but unlike the fatal mistake Dwayne made, I must be the one to suck up my pride and lower myself to the lowest hanging fruit in order to raise the bar to those Superman levels. Patrick: You can’t even raise that limp dick on your face with a bucket of viagra. Squidward: Well you’re fucking fat! Patrick: Limp dick nose! Limp dick nose! Limp dick nose! Squidward: I can’t hear you because YOU’RE! SO! FAT! OMJ: Ok this started out mildly metaphorical but has since devolved into Break A Leg! when CNF was in charge. Security. Zeus: What are you talking about? This is good shit, pal! I guess now is as good a time as any to announce that I finally got permission from my mother, everyone! SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling is “Back For The Attack”! And I’m hard pressed to find something else that embodies that title for our next show more than this potential match-up here! So let’s just make it official here, people. At “SpongeBrawl: Back For The Attack, we’re gonna have ourselves a title unification match, Patrick vs Squidward, winner takes all! Oh yeah! Woo! Patrick and Squidward do the whole “let’s hold our titles in each other’s faces and let’s see who’s weenie enough to walk away first” cliché but neither of them are turning to leave, so they’re just gonna awkwardly stand there staring each other down for the rest of the scrum. OMJ: Well that’s just fucking great. Zeus: Let’s all put on a happy face for Mrs. Puff! Mrs. Puff makes her way out to join the scrum, already enjoying her newfound freedom. Zeus: Looks like somebody is already enjoying her newfound freedom! OMJ: Alright, I’m sure we have some questions lined up for Puff Mama over here. Your hat’s on fleek, Puff Mama, hat’s on fleek! Yes, you sir, in the suit. Sir in the Suit: Yeah, um, whatever happened to Mr. Puff? Mrs. Puff: No comment. Sir in the Suit: Come on, it’s a pretty simple question. Zeus: I agree, Puff, you’re just making it harder than it really needs to be. I mean, after all these years, I think audiences everywhere deserve to know. OMJ: Mr. Wrestle Lord sir, if she doesn’t like talking about it then we probably should respect her wishes and create an environment that’s- Mrs. Puff: I DON’T like talking about it. Especially not during a forum as public as this. So if you don’t have anything else fruitful to ask, young man, then please let us just move on to the next- Sir in the Suit: Heh. He told me you’d say that. OMJ: Whooo…now…? Zeus: Nice! That sounds foreboding as fuck, pal! Mrs. Puff: Next question please! Sir in the Suit: Mr. Puff sends his regards. The sir in the suit pulls out a Glock opens fire on Mrs. Puff, who pushes the conference table as a makeshift shield from the line of fire. One of the shots pierces through the table and tags Puff in the lower abdomen as OMJ pulls the awe-struck Zeus to safety. Patrick and Squidward continue their stand-off, unfazed by the events unfolding around them. Officers John and Nancy come out and return fire, forcing the sir in the suit to retreat. Nancy pursues the gunman while John checks on Puff. Zeus: Officer, arrest that puffer! John brandishes his baton and beats Puff with it before slapping the cuffs on her and escorting her out of the scrum. OMJ: Zeus, what the actual fuck?! Zeus: Well who the hell does she think she is bringing her family drama over to my media scrum?! Do you see walking into one of her classes and causing a fucking disturbance?! No! Because I have a little thing called class! No wonder she’s a fucking felon, the fucking nerve on that bloated piece of snail shit! OMJ: Whatever, it’s behind us now. It probably won’t be followed up on anyway. Let’s just fucking continue this thing, we have to look fucking presentable! That’s right, up, all of you! Or both of you if we’re being completely honest with ourselves. Send the next one out! And can somebody bring Nancy back to get these two jack-offs to fuck off the stage already! Patrick and Squidward remain for the rest of the scrum. Larry the snail slowly slithers his way out next. Zeus: My apologies for the snail shit crack just now, Mr. Thee Snail. That fat bitch was just so infuriating, I can see why bad things always happen to her. Talk about karma working double overtime to cover all that bloat. But congratulations are in order, Larry, on your win earlier this evening. You helped net me quite the sizable pot. Larry: Well I’m glad somebody found me to be of some service. Zeus: Holy shit, it can talk? Larry: But of course, my dear Wrestle Lord. We snails have already been long established as being perfectly able to speak perfect English. Haven’t you seen “Have You Seen this Snail?”? OMJ: Oh yeah, that was such a sad episode. Larry: I just don’t know where most people come off saying that that episode was “sad”. The only thing I found even remotely close to sad was the fact that Gary didn’t get eaten at the end. I honestly found the whole thing to be rather humorous, myself. OMJ: Humorous how? Larry: Humorous in the fact that that spoiled prick Gary let his huge ego convince himself that his owner, just by participating in leisure activities on his own time, was “neglecting” him. And then he responds by running away like the female worm that he is! And then we spend a majority of the episode watching SpongeBob in complete utter anguish, blaming himself for his pet running away when he was just trying to live his own life. What Gary pulled there was Emotional Manipulation 101. It’s toxic! Their entire one-sided relationship is, spanning across multiple episodes! Need I even mention “Dumped”? Zeus: Well, now that you mentioned it. OMJ: Zeus, you’re not possibly indulging in this fallacy? Zeus: It’s just, things change when you look back on these things through an adult lens! Larry: Ah, and that’s the key word: “adult”. Whereas SpongeBob and Gary are goddamn children. Zeus: Whoa. You either die a Gary or live long enough to see yourself become a Larry. Larry: But returning to a point I was previously trying to make, what Gary ultimately put himself through in “Have You Seen This Snail?” wasn’t neglect. Do either of you know what neglect truly is? Neglect is finally being liberated from pet shop purgatory, thinking you’ll be going to a place you can finally call “home” with an owner who will love you and care for you no matter what flaws you may have. I mean, all owners make the conscious decision to take on any and all baggage when buying a pet, right? But then you find out that you’re only really just there as some sad, pathetic back pocket move to try and make the previous golden boy pet jealous and want to come back. Of course, that didn’t work because SpongeBob is a goddamn child and Gary is the manipulative prick that he is. And after that, SpongeBob couldn’t even stand the sight of me. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. He didn’t want to be around me, he didn’t want to care for me, he didn’t want to love me. “Oh Larry was distant, Larry wasn’t social, Larry was vicious! Oh woe is me! That completely justifies abandoning him!” How would you feel living in a glass case for your entire childhood watching your siblings pass you by going to good homes while you were left to watch hopeless as everybody passes up on you for no reason other than “ugh what’s with the monobrow?! What a dumpster fire of a snail, just put him down already!”? Then to have an angel finally smile down on you and take you in, only to be put in a situation far worse?! How could I ever show affection for someone who never showed me that very same affection in the first place? And the only time he did, was all superficial just to make another snail jealous! I was only onscreen for like a minute before being abandoned and forgotten! And why, because I wasn’t GaRY!!?? Huh?! I wasn’t GaRe BeAR!! My very name is a testament, a monument to the toxicity that those two, count em, two have projected onto me! And the worst part is…look, I don’t even wanna remember what happened to Jerry. When Gary and I first met in a SpongeBrawl ring ten years ago, it was fun and games. “Oh, what would happen if these two characters were to fight eachother?! Uhhderrh!” OMJ: I did not sound like that. Let that be put on the record right now. Larry: I was younger and stupider and I needed the money to SUPPORT MYSELF. This time, all these years later, it was personal. This rematch meant the world to me. But Gary, he thought he could big league me. He thought that I was no longer worth his time. Can you believe the balls on that neutered motherfucker? Zeus: Well not now when you put it that way. Larry: And the funny thing is, I was willing to accept that and try to move on with my life. But then I heard about it. I heard that that yellow, buck-toothed, man child, used up from getting lubed up fucking sponge went ahead and opened up his own little snail sanctuary. I felt the wrath of almighty Neptune flow through me that day. After everything, EVERYTHING, he had the balls to open up a fucking SNAIL SANCTUARY. I was going to end that child’s whole career. Especially after what happened to Jerry. Look, you all can forget me, you can forget Larry the Snail all you fucking want, but don’t you dare forget him. Don’t you dare forget Jerry! Remember that fucking name and put some respect on it. Jerry was the realest and he didn’t deserve what he got. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy and that’s saying a lot after everything I said here today. So I made the first move on Gary’s home turf to provoke his fragile little ass into pulling all the right strings so that he would come for me! And the rest, as they say, is history. I won, he lost, and now that that little square fuck is gonna take some goddamn accountability for everything. And I do mean everything. Jerry, my brother! Never forget! Never forget. Larry slowly slithers off the stage. Zeus: He has such a way with words! OMJ: Yeah, even I wanna see SpongeBob hanged now. Zeus: Jerry! OMJ: We’ll never forget you, braddah. Zeus: Never forget! OMJ: So, who has the unenviable task of following that? TBC in Leveled Up Media Scrum: Part 2…

Moments ago on SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling: Leveled Up… Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Perch Perkins reporting LIVE from the majestic Shazam! Colosseum, where we are just fresh off the heels of a huge comeback show for the SpongeBrawl brand! It was a night of action-packed highs, lows and everything else in-between! I would just like to some time here this evening before the start of our post-show media scrum to get a few words from some of the night’s unfortunate losers. Standing by with me right now is none other than The Shrimp! How are you feeling right now after suffering such a total loss, Shrimp? Shrimp: What do you think I’m feeling, Perch? I completely lost in an absolutely decisive fashion, man. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it. I went out there tonight to fight not just for me, but for my entire species. For years, I have had to deal with the humiliation that that cheapskate inflicted on me. I can’t go anywhere without at least one person quoting that god forsaken line to me right as I leave the door. And it hasn’t just happened to me. Gathered data indicates that this is a regular occurrence for every 4 out of 10 shrimps. Do you understand the harmful truth and the severity of those numbers? Every 4 out of 10. That’s just insane, it’s madness! Me and shrimp brothers and shrimp sisters shouldn’t be made to subject ourselves to this blatant systematic abuse of the shrimpy. I put not only my reputation on the line here tonight, but also the money that I was gonna use to give back to the shrimp community. Money that I was pressed into wagering because it was the only way Krabs would accept the damn rematch! I lost everything here this evening. How am I supposed to go back home and look my fellow shrimps in the eye knowing that I couldn’t do what needed to be done for the good of our kind? Now Krabs holds all the money and there’s no telling what he might do with it. That scares me, Perch, it really does. It makes me sick just thinking about the things he’ll do with that money in that bed of his, money that could’ve done a whole world of good for a whole lot of people. Perch Perkins: Ok, get lost, shrimp. An offended and dejected Shrimp storms out of the colosseum, but not before being approached by the Jumbo Shrimp on his way out the door. Perch Perkins: Please welcome my next guest at this time. He is very monobrowed and equally as well-endowed. Ladies and gentlemen, he is Squilliam Fancyson III, SF3! Squilliam: I take the time out of my evening to bless you with my presence and all you could muster up for me was that insult? Let a professional show you how it’s done, Percy. Now, I personally wouldn’t consider any of the social disease ridden corner walkers in attendance here to be my definition of “ladies” and I certainly wouldn’t consider all of the neckbeard incel current monkey slappers of America to be remotely close to real men, but for the sake of convenience, let’s just say “ladies and gentlemen”, I want all you pissants and peons to somehow coordinate your fat, poor statured selves into one huge circlejerk and please join Percy here in a collective jizz as I, the highly monobrowed and utmost well endowed, Squilliam Fancy-fucking-son 3rd, through the sheer kindness of my heart, allows each and every one of you air breathers a brief moment to breathe the same water as me. Now that, Percy, is how it’s fucking done! Perch Perkins: I hope you can find it in your heart of hearts to forgive me, Mr. Fancyson. Squilliam: Actually, that’s Professor Fancyson and not at all likely to happen, but do continue. I have places to go and pictures of my total package to plaster all over everyone’s social feeds with the hashtag #BetterThanYours. Perch Perkins: Squilliam, I really do hate having to remind you of this but my hands are tied here, you just suffered your third straight loss in a row to your old rival Squidward Tentacles. What do you have to say about this absolute outrage? Squilliam: An outrage?? Wow! Well, maybe it’s an outrage to you stupid marks at home having yourselves some nice quality alone time with your left hands, watching reruns of Band Geeks for the umpteenth time so far this year. But am I this so-called “outraged”? Me, no, of course not. And it’s absolutely ridiculous to even suggest otherwise. I have never nor will I ever sweat over Squidward Testicles. If anything, he sweats over me and who can blame him. His mom sweated over me as soon as I graduated at the top of the top of the top of the top of our high school class and I graduated at the top of her ass later that very same night! His father outright refuses to hug the guy because, aside from the fact that Squiddy has a permanent limp dick for a nose, laying down next to that abortion of a son of his in that maternity ward was me and he just couldn’t bear the cold hard truth that any hope for a prosperous Testicles lineage died with a fucking whimper that day. So outrage? Maybe if you’re a person who can’t hold a conversation with the opposite for ten whole seconds. Me? Maybe I’m a bit surprised, yeah. I mean, I did go into this match with about 40% of my total fucks given. I figured his pathetic ass couldn’t even handle that much, and could you blame me? Perch Perkins: Of course not. Squilliam: But the biggest point I wanna make here is that I couldn’t even be bothered to at least half ass it. And do you wanna get the exclusive, right here right now, as to why? Perch Perkins: I- Squilliam: Of course you do, you’re hanging on to my balls by the grit of your teeth just like everybody else here! It’s because Squiddy simply isn’t worth any substantial amount of effort. Like I said earlier, he has a permanent limp dick for a nose, I’m the son his father wishes was the product of his semen. Life’s hard enough as it is for him, why go out of my way to make it that much harder? Maybe if this match was for the NWowW Global Championship like it was originally supposed to 8 years ago, I would’ve put an extra 15% into it maybe, but it wasn’t for the title. And you wanna know the god’s honest truth why it wasn’t for that title? Because Squiddy somehow, some way winning that belt tanked the company into the fucking ground. He’s the reason why the Nautical World of Wrestling ceased to be and practically had to change its name just to get his filth and taint off of their reputation. And knowing Squiddy, he’ll probably start up some stupid storyline saying that he’s the “real champion” and Patrick is just a pretender to his throne or some convoluted shit like that because if his ego were its own person, it would have glass bones and paper skin. If he really was better than me, then he would’ve gotten my shoulders down for a 5 count. And do you know why he can’t get my shoulders down for a 5 count? Perch Perkins: Because in WWE 2K22, pin counts don’t go up that high? Squilliam, Exactly! So Squiddy will never, ever be better than me. So enjoy riding whatever high you’re on now, Squiddy, like your relationship with Squilvia, it’ll only last a couple minutes. Top Guy, out! Squilliam pulls out of Squidward’s mom and leaves her begging for more. Perch Perkins: We don’t have time to dwell on that now. Please welcome my next guest, Gary thee Snail. Gary, you had a lot riding on your match here earlier this evening, and needless to say, I think you shitted the bed so bad that your owner now has no choice than to replace you. Gary, please, your thoughts? Gary thinks long and hard about what he wants to put out there into the world. Gary: …Meow. Perch Perkins: I see. And later on during the SpongeBrawl Rumble, it appeared as if you and your owner, SpongeBob, would unite for one more time but it seemed you ultimately decided to put any previous loyalty you had behind you and attacked SpongeBob personally. What could’ve brought on such a change in attitude there? You were always such a good boy, a good snail! Gary: Meow. Perch Perkins: Well I think that just about explains everything. You are dismissed, Mr. Thee Snail. Gary slithers off, but not before taking a #2 at Perch’s feet. Perch Perkins: No, bad Gary! Bad! Did your previous owner not train you in proper interview etiquette?! Oh the smell! How can I possibly conduct any more interviews under these conditions?! Speaking of a steaming of shit. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, Plankton! Plankton: How dare you compare me, Sheldon J. Plankton, to this steaming pile of shit! I went to college! Perch Perkins: Yeah, you and most people here. Look, just say whatever cryptic bullshit you have to say and let’s move on. Plankton: Most of you protozoan fecal matter think that just because I lost to Krabs’ questionable offspring, that means it’s all downhill for ol’ Plankton, but you all just wait til later tonight during the scrum. There’s a bigger picture here and it dwarfs even that whale by a lot! Perch Perkins: What could you possibly have up to your sleeve after Plan Z? There are no more letters in the alphabet after that! Plankton: Then prepare to witness history because I’m about to drop a brand spankin’ letter on you mortal fools! Plankton leaves Perch to mull that one over. Perch Perkins: They’ll give anyone a degree these days. Anyone except for my next guests! You know ‘em, you love ‘em, they’re Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy! B-Boy, Rock Steady, like what the hell happened out there? You lost to a couple of virgins in your first match back in like 8 years or whenever the hell NWoW was. You’re bonafide superheroes with practically dominion over all sea creatures. How could possibly mess up that badly? Barnacle Boy: Well I- Mermaid Man: I think Mr. Fancyson was on to something earlier about people who have permanent limp dicks for noses. It just wasn’t the lad’s night. What more could be said. I thought I trained him better than this, but it seems as if I was wrong. Very, very wrong. But rest assured, citizens, Barnacle Boy and I will work out the kinks in the meantime! To the character creation suite, AWAAAAYYYY!!! Mermaid Man points to the air and shuffles haphazardly in the direction of my PS5. Barnacle Boy struggles to keep up. Barnacle Boy: Wait! What kind of kinks do you have for my nose?! Perch Perkins: Well that was certainly in bad taste. But do you, the folks at home, know what modern day spin-off offers you the highest in highbrow entertainment today? My next guest is the star of “MegaloMania”, Manny Mangrove! Manny, baby, how’s the wife and kids doing? Manny: Hey, that’s my family you’re talking about! Manny lunges over and bites Perch’s microphone hand clean off. Perch Perkins: My arm! Officers John and Nancy run over and make themselves useful for once by clubbing the rogue shark with their batons and dragging him away offscreen. Perch Perkins: You lost like a bitch to a move that wasn’t even a finisher!!! Oh dear Neptune! How was he even able to eat with that pile of shit stinking up the place?! But you know who else lost like a bitch? My next guest, Sandy Cheeks! Well hoooowwwwwdyyy- Sandy immediately grabs Perch and locks his already injured arm in the Arm Cruncher! Sandy; I’M THE STRONGEST CRITTER IN BIKINI BOTTOM! ME!! I AM! I AM! I AM! I’M-

It’s 4/20, you know what that means! The Nautical World of Sportz? proudly presents, SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling: LEVELED UP!! The Shrimp looks to finally get even with Mr. Krabs all these years later after being unceremoniously kicked out of the Krusty Krab because of his species. Krabs won their last two encounters, both in the original SpongeBrawl and Nautical World of Wrestling. Will he make it a perfect 3-0 against The Shrimp? If the Shrimp wins, he promises to donate both his and Krabs’ match earnings to the Anti-Shrimp Defamation Alliance. If Mr. Krabs wins, he’ll add Shrimp’s earnings to his mattress fund. Squidward has spent years of his life living in the ever encompassing shadow of his arch rival, Squilliam Fancyson III, but it seems as if professional wrestling may be the one thing he has the edge over on the Well Endowed & Monobrowed One, scoring the victory in each of their previous encounters during their respective tenures in SpongeBrawl 2013 and Nautical World of Wrestling. These rivals were once fated to meet for a third time for the now defunct NWoW Global Championship, but the promotion ceased operation before that match could happen. Eight years later, that third meeting is now set to happen! However, Squilliam arrives to the Shazam! Colosseum more than prepared, having since sculpted his body to become the ultimate weapon for unveiling Squidward’s true inferiority. Mrs. Puff has spent many a year on the wrong side of the law, be it for her own unlawful indiscretions or taking sole responsibility for SpongeBob’s carefree actions. Puff may have won her previous match again the law, but this time the stakes are even higher! During her latest prison stint, she staged an escape that has since taken the BBPD on a whirlwind in their efforts to take her back into custody. Puff and her pursuers have reached an agreement that will see them once again duke it out on neutral territory, the Shazam! Colosseum. If Puff overcomes the odds again, she wins her freedom. If the law wins, she’ll never see daylight again. The previous battle of the snails ended in a time limit draw that saw nobody going home with the victory. While that has made no difference to Gary’s comfortable home life, Larry the Snail has since been living a life of squalor in the aftermath. SpongeBrawl let both of them go since snail fighting could be seen as illegal, but that’s the thing, all Larry wanted to do was fight. Larry has fought for everything he’s been able to scrape for himself while Gary continues to get spoiled to high heaven. So when SpongeBrawl announced it would be making a return, Larry took the opportunity to strike in order to make this rematch finally happen. Posing as yet another common stray seeking shelter at SpongeBob’s snail sanctuary, Larry unleashed a violent attack on Gary’s owner in Gary’s home turf. Gary would issue the challenge for Leveled Up, claiming that he’ll use his resources to lift the ban to make it happen. However, Larry would only accept on one condition; if Larry wins, he takes Gary’s place as SpongeBob’s pet! The Boys Who Cry’s last foray into professional wrestling ended in tragedy when a lost to The Flying Dutchman and Lord Poltergeist spelled untimely death for their music group. Each Boy Who Cry has gone to achieve varying degrees of solo success (or lack thereof) since, but they’ve never been the same since. When SpongeBrawl officials came knocking again to make a Boys Who Cry reunion happen for Leveled Up, Johnny and Joey jumped at the opportunity, but Jesse needed some convincing, ultimately coming around for the good of the group since a reunion of two-thirds of Boys Who Cry just didn’t seem right. Their last wrestling stint came about as an act of charity. This time, they would be taking their training dead serious. Venturing deep into the Gulf of Mexico, the Boys Who Cry sought the tutelage of the legendary undersea luchador, El Pampano. The Flying Dutchman would come to find out about this when he came to reap El Pampano’s soul himself. To spite them, The Dutchman throws Pampano into Davy Jones’ Locker, but the Boys have a chance to change their teacher’s fate if they’re able to overcome The Ghouls Fools in their rematch. The Boys Who Cry have become a force to be reckoned with during their practice runs. Can they pull off the impossible victory against a team that is more terrifying than ever? The first time Plankton and Pearl crossed paths in a wrestling ring, it was about Plankton overcoming his fears and insecurities to attain total victory. Following her crushing defeat and punishing post-match beat down by Plankton, Pearl was forced to leave SpongeBrawl behind her due to injury, but eventually made her way back into the fold with the birth of the new Nautical World of Wrestling. She would get her rematch with Plankton there. Despite a much stronger showing than their first bout, Plankton managed to inch out victory by using mind games to drive a wedge between Pearl and her father. The aftermath of this event led Pearl down a dark path, soon finding herself in the manipulative arms of Mr. Long, Tan and Handsome, Octavius Rex. She would spend the rest of her NWoW tenure being a constant thorn in the sides of both her father and Mrs. Puff. Pearl has matured in the time since, even becoming a mother herself. When SpongeBrawl officials approached her to make a return, Pearl was very hesitant at first, but she soon saw it as an opportunity to right some of the wrongs of her past and leave behind a much better legacy that her daughter could be proud of. Rededicating herself to training, Pearl is once again ready to be a star The last time these two physical specimens met inside a wrestling ring, Larry pulled off the victory despite a pre-match beat down at the hands of the dreaded Jumbo Shrimp. Following their encounter, the Jumbo Shrimp would fade back into relative obscurity while Larry waited for a callback, which would eventually come when the Nautical World of Wrestling formed. Larry was signed on to become a marquee name for the promotion, but soon fell under the sway of King Neptune, who offered the lobster “true godhood” but only ended up using Larry to bolster his own wrestling career. When NWoW eventually closed its doors, Larry was left feeling like wasted potential and a textbook case of what could’ve been. Larry used his wrestling earnings to fund the opening of his own gym, but some other bad investments have left him struggling financially. In order to save his business, Larry takes SpongeBrawl officials up on their offer for a “leveled up paycheck”. While Larry has been struggling with financials, Jumbo Shrimp has been struggling with a world that’s passing him by. His previous loss to Larry was the last meaningful thing Jumbo Shrimp was apart of after he was unceremoniously recasted and retooled in the rebooted Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy movie franchise. When a SpongeBrawl return was presented to him, Jumbo Shrimp felt a renewed sense of purpose to become the bad guy he once was. He went back to genetically modifying himself to prepare for the rematch against his doctor’s orders, who warned him that doing so could negatively impact his quality of life going forward. These two titans are on a collision course once again with a lot more riding on than ever before. The first time these two teams faced off, The Weenies suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of their heroes, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. The Weenies would go back to their solitary lives loitering around various Weenie Hut Jr. franchises while Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy would both go on to enjoy a decent run with the Nautical World of Wrestling promotion. The Weenies, Wayne and Marvin, weren’t planning on accepting SpongeBrawl’s offer to return, but the Weenie Hut’s Weeniebot intervened on their behalf and re-negotiated their return behind their backs. Wayne and Marvin are satisfied with the sad state of their lives, but the Weeniebot is annoyed by their ever constant presence in its restaurant and goes against his programming to work a miracle with these dweebs so that they’ll go do something better with their lives and leave its restaurant be. The Weeniebot puts the two through grueling AI generated training regiments and the trio soon become the talk of the local backyard wrestling scene, racking up wins against every smelly mark put in front of them. Leveling Up their game, The Super Weenies have arrived! Meanwhile, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy have been embroiled in a long, drawn out legal battle over the rights to their brand, brought about by the MM & BB reboot that was made without their permission and involvement. The courts would eventually rule in the duo’s favor, but the whole ordeal has tainted their brand in the eyes of movie and television execs. When SpongeBrawl came calling back after all these years, the duo jumped at the chance to get their names out there once more, seeing professional wrestling as a real life comic book. It’s a battle of wills to succeed when these two teams lock horns again. Who’s will will be stronger? An entirely new match exclusively for SBC: Leveled Up, featuring special cross-promotion with OMJ’s other spin-off, “MegaloMania”! MegaloMania’s Manny Mangrove and Sergeant Sam Roderick face off inside SpongeBrawl’s squared circle before their fated clash takes place in the MegaloMania finale! The winner of this match will claim the final spot in the SpongeBrawl Rumble! Sandy looks to re-establish her dominance over the Bikini Bottom wrestling scene. Reg sees this as his one last chance to break away from his mundane life as a simple bouncer for the toughest joint in town. The first meeting between these two teams ended in an unceremonious disqualification due to outside interference. The careers of all four of these competitors diverged into a variety of different directions once SpongeBrawl 2013 shuttered it’s doors and Nautical World of Wrestling opened for business. Bubble Bass and Patrick would both go on to hold Global gold while SpongeBob and Kevin struggled to stay in contention. 10 years later, fate has brought these four together to duke it out once again. Two top seeded teams with plenty of potential to spare between them. Will increased egos get in the way of teamwork, or will we finally have ourselves a definitive winner? This is it. Every SpongeBrawler’s road leads up to here, The SpongeBrawl Rumble! 30 competitors. Only one will win the promotion’s grandest prize: The Shazampionship! Presented by “Shazam! Fury of the Gods”, probably still in some theaters! And that’s a wrap for SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling: LEVELED UP! I’ll soon be writing up a post-show scrum like all the big boy wrestling companies do that should provide some final thoughts and an update about where SpongeBrawl will be going, so keep posted for that. Happy 4/20 errybody!