(it's been basically a year since this got an update holy damn...and ironically enough this first part I've had written for about more than half of that time but never got around to uploading cuz I was originally going to do Downtown Bikini Bottom as one chapter but hey, it'll be two chapters long now so...enjoy this first part!)
- Chapter V – Downtown Bikini Bottom (Part 1)
SpongeBob: Finally, I thought I’d never be able to leave that damn level.
Taxi Stop to Downtown: Congrats, you have enough spatulas to proceed.
SpongeBob: Whatever, kthx.
French Narrator: Downtown Bikini Bottom…which for a downtown is small as fuck. I mean sure, there’s only like 500-something people in this place but what the hell is with that anyway? This ain’t a town, it’s a village. And oh, it looks like these idiots can’t even keep their tiny-ass “town” safe as it is cuz it looks like shit.
Sign: HEY SPONGEBOB PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
Mrs. Puff: AUTOMATIC DIVERSION TO A CONVERSATION WITH ME!
Sign: FUCK YOU!
Mrs. Puff: Oh, SpongeBob, just the man I wanted to see!
SpongeBob: Well, I’m more of a sponge, but…wait, are you ecstatic?
Mrs. Puff: You bet your ass I am, boy! Just look at all this destruction! It’s just…just…ohhhhhh…
SpongeBob: Um…should I come back later, or…?
Mrs. Puff: Waitwaitwait hold on…I need you to do me an errand.
SpongeBob: An errand?
Mrs. Puff: Yeah, yeah. See those weird impractical shiny things just to your right?
Steering Wheels: Coo-ee!
Mrs. Puff: These sexy robots have been taking all of the wheels from the boats whilst rampaging and shit.
SpongeBob: Oh no, that’s terri-wait, did you just call the robots sexy?
Mrs. Puff: Shut up. Anyway, I want them.
SpongeBob: I dunno if I can do that, they tend to fade away once I tear them a new one.
Mrs. Puff: Not them, you damn fool.
SpongeBob: Okay bitch, I get it now. But what you need them for?
Mrs. Puff: Puff Mama wants herself some keepsakes.
SpongeBob: But wh-you know what, I’m not even going to dare ask that question.
Mrs. Puff: I’ll throw in a Golden Spatula if you can help me out.
SpongeBob: Okay then, I’ll help you fulfil your fetish, Puff Mama.
Mrs. Puff: Call me that again and I’ll cut you.
SpongeBob: M’kay. *prances off*
Sign: Look at the pretty shiny thing in the middle of the road.
Pretty shiny thing in the middle of the road: *exists*
SpongeBob: Hey, look, another path I can go down, byeeeeeee!
Cannon: *exists for absolutely no fucking reason…what even is this part of the level?*
SpongeBob: My thoughts exactly.
Cannon: Nyah nyah you can’t touch me! Now taste sink, bitch!
SpongeBob: BOING BOING BOING!
Statue: *looks on in disgust*
SpongeBob: Explosions! Button smashing! …excitement?
Anvil: *comes into existence*
Cannon: CURSE YOUUUUUUUU!
SpongeBob: Wait, that thing was being held up by a thin-ass pole, how…
Anvil: Shhh…video game logic.
Statue: Ugh, just please take this shiny thing away from me and go away already.
SpongeBob: But I don’t wanna go back to the siiiiiiiiignnnn, ugh!
Spatula Obtained – A Whole Lot of Random Shit Apparently Wins You Stuff? #1
Konquest: Yup, there’s more down the road, I promise you.
SpongeBob: O…kay then…moving on with the plot at long last.
Sign: Thank god, so this shiny ball thing is a power up or whatever that turns you into a ball.
SpongeBob: Is it even useful?
Sign: Fuck if I know. It’s not even that cool, it’s just here cuz the devs decided to add another mechanic into the game cuz why not amirite.
SpongeBob: So you continue to be useless. But seeing that it’s the only way I’m gonna make my way through the town, I guess I have no choice. *turns into SpongeBall and does the thing*
G-Loves: *exist now*
SpongeBob: What’s that?
Sign: I could tell yo-
G-Love: CUTSCENE TIME!
G-Love #1: Robot Gloves, Robot Gloves, great for feeling up anyone…like that guy!
Random-ass fish: Say what now?
G-Love #2: Hey baby, I’d love to get all these hands over you.
G-Love #1: Maybe we can have some three-way action…
G-Loves: *slapping mode activate!*
Random-ass fish: I DID NOT CONSENT TO THIIIIIIIS!
Deus Ex-Machina: *takes the form on an anvil*
Gary: Meow. (“Oh yeah. I totally rule.”)
Random fish: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
G-Love: Okay, buzzkill. I’ll look for someone else.
SpongeBob: *is allowed to move again*
Hint: Haha you have to read me. Anyways, this dude will attack you from any angle. Especially from behind. I wouldn’t wanna know where those hands have been if I were you.
SpongeBob: Disgusting, but SKIP!
G-Love: Hey there sweetcakes! Park that square ass within arm’s length!
G-Love: Fine. SUPER SPIN CYCLE!
SpongeBob: *bubble-bounces on this creep*
G-Love: Impossible…I’m never…the bottom…
SpongeBob: First time for everything. Moving on.
SpongeBall: Hello again.
Hot sauce: Yo.
SpongeBob: UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. *does the shit needed to get across*
Bubble Buddy: This is a lighthouse.
SpongeBob: I can see that.
Bubble Buddy: It is locked from the inside.
SpongeBob: I’ll take your word for it.
Bubble Buddy: …
Bubble Buddy: …
SpongeBob: …WELL WAS THAT IT?
Bubble Buddy: …
SpongeBob: Fuckin’ useless as always, Jesus Christ… *moves on* Oh hey, a clamshell!
Clamshell: Hey hey hey! Wanna go this way instead of furthering the plot?
SpongeBob: Well I can see that I’m gonna need to turn into that annoying-as-hell ball form again to reach that part so hell yeah I do! *pays the shell*
Clamshell: *does nothing*
Clamshell: Excuse me, does that not count as doing something in this universe?
Barrier: Bitch sit down.
Establishing shot of the Sea Needle: *exists for absolutely no reason and doesn’t even have narration*
Narrator: lolz I don’t know her.
Mr. Krabs: SUDDEN APPARITION!
SpongeBob: GOD WHAT THE FUCK??? Also pretty sure you were just out of the shot as it was panning but that doesn’t explain why I had to suddenly just apparate right in front of your ugly ass and uglier-ass vocal cords.
Mr. Krabs: Shut up and just get the shiny stuff hanging outside already that’s all I’m hear for.
SpongeBob: Is that it?
Mr. Krabs: Nahhhh you totally need to smash your fucking face in when it comes to it. And make sure every tiki is destroyed so that I-er, you can have all the shiny objects you could ever want…or a least get from here.
SpongeBob: And why can’t you just do it considering you seem to love these things more than me. You send that note and everything.
Mr. Krabs: My ass ain’t what it used to be, lad…unless…you wanna see me try…?
SpongeBob: Ugh, no…no no no…no. I’ll do it… *does the things*
Mr. Krabs: Lovely work, boy! Have this as a reward!
Golden Spatula Obtained: Hope It Was Worth Smashing Your Face In
Mr. Krabs: Cool, now hand ‘em over!
SpongeBob: Umm W.T.F. no. And this is the wrong level for that kinda transaction.
Mr. Krabs: So…I sent you out to do some labor and I get nothing in return?
SpongeBob: Welcome to the life of an NPC, bitch!
Mr. Krabs: DAMN YOU!
SpongeBob: *leaves promptly*
(In the next part, Sandy and her wonderful arsenal of abilities will make their debut! Will our porous dumbass share the limelight with dignity?)