JCM

Habeas corpus Our absorbent attorney SpongeBob SquarePants, Attorney at Law Episode 4: A Ron Stoppable Force (Ron Stoppable is eating at Bueno Nacho with his naked mole-rat, Rufus, when a man in a ski mask walks in.) Ron: (gasps) This is my chance, Rufus! (Ron drops his food, beats up the man in the ski mask, and drags him out of Bueno Nacho.) Ron: That'll teach you to rob my favorite restaurant! Man: You fucking dumbass! I wasn't trying to rob the place! Ron: Huh? Then why were you wearing the ski mask? Man: Because it's 15 degrees out! I was trying to keep my face warm. Ron: (pauses) Oh. (Ron lets go of the man, and he runs to his car.) Man: I'm calling the fucking police! Ron: Hey, let's not go that fa- Man: Fuck you! (In another part of town, SpongeBob is dragging a large typewriter into the Proud Family residence.) Trudy Proud: Thank you so much for agreeing to come here and type up Suga Mama's will. SpongeBob: (panting) No...problem. (SpongeBob brings the typewriter into the living room, where Suga Mama is sleeping on the couch with wrestling playing on the TV. SpongeBob turns the TV off, and Suga Mama immediately wakes up.) Suga Mama: Turn that back on, I was watching that. (SpongeBob obediently turns the TV back on, and Suga Mama falls back asleep.) SpongeBob: Hey, uh, I'm here to type up your last will and testament. Like you agreed to do on the phone? Hello? (SpongeBob pokes Suga Mama, but she doesn't move at all. Suddenly, Ron Stoppable runs into the living room.) Ron: Help! I need help! (Ron turns the TV off, and Suga Mama wakes up again.) Suga Mama: Hey! (turns to Ron) Where'd that white boy come from? Ron: I'm about to go to jail for assault, and you're the only lawyer I know good enough to get me off! SpongeBob: What does being a lawyer have you do with getting you off? Ron: I meant keeping me out of prison. What...what did you think I meant by that? Suga Mama: Am I gonna have to kick both of your asses just to get my show on? (Ron turns the TV back on, and Suga Mama falls back asleep.) SpongeBob: Sorry, I would love to help, but I'm not allowed to work any more trials. I can only do estate planning. Ron: What? You're one of the hottest lawyers out there! SpongeBob: (blushes) Thanks. Ron: No, not like that! It's just...you got the Eds off, and you got Dexter off, and nobody gave you much of a chance with either of them. Why are you typing up wills? SpongeBob: I don't know, it's hard to get my bosses to believe in me. Ron: Well, I believe in you, and I won't let anybody else defend me! SpongeBob: Alright, I'll make sure to let my bosses know that. For now, you need to turn yourself in. Ron: Okay...one more thing. (Ron takes Rufus out of his pocket,) Ron: Can you look over this little guy until I'm a free man again? SpongeBob: Uh... (Rufus jumps out of Ron's hand and latches onto SpongeBob's nose with his teeth.) Ron: Aw, he likes you! SpongeBob: I wish my clients' pets had less...painful ways of expressing that. (The next morning, SpongeBob and Ron walk into the courtroom, where the victim of Ron's alleged assault is whispering with Shego.) Ron: (gasps) Shego! SpongeBob: You know her? Ron: Yeah! She's evil! Me and my friend Kim fight her all the time! SpongeBob: Well, you won't be fighting anybody else until you're acquitted. Understand? Ron: Yeah. (Judge Leghorn takes his place on the bench and bangs his gavel.) Judge Leghorn: Court is, I say, court is now in session. The defendant, Mr. Stoppable, is charged with assault and battery. How do you plead, sir? Ron: I plead well! How about you? Judge Leghorn: No, doofus. Are you guilty of them crimes or not? Ron: Not! Not guilty! Judge Leghorn: Great! I'll let y'all sort the rest out. SpongeBob: But aren't you going to set the bond or set the trial date? Judge Leghorn: (sighs) Fine. I'll text all of that to you later. Bye! (Judge Leghorn leaves.) Ron: Shego, what are you doing here? Shego: I just finished my law degree yesterday, and when I knew the first thing I could do was lock you up, I did everything I could to get this case! SpongeBob: Well, that just means your first case will be a loss! He's got one of the best lawyers around defending him: me! Shego: Okay. Think fast! (Shego lights her hands on fire and shoots some of the fire at SpongeBob, whose body instantly extinguishes it.) SpongeBob: (laughs) That tickles! (Annoyed, Shego leaves the courtroom with her client, and SpongeBob and Ron follow. The next day, Stu walks into Chas's office at Finster, Finster & Pickles, where Chas is with Kira.) Stu: Why is SpongeBob defending that Stoppable kid? I thought we had him doing estate planning! Kira: Face it, Stu. He's a lawyer. Stu: But the Ash case... Kira: Who cares about the Ash case? We've all lost cases, you more than any of us. Stu: Still, you shouldn't have let SpongeBob back into the courtroom without letting me know first. Kira: Fuck you, Stu! Chas: Kira... Kira: I'm clearly the only partner at this law firm who has a pair of balls! Business has skyrocketed since SpongeBob won those cases, and now you want to hide him like you're ashamed of him! The only man you should be ashamed of is yourself! Stu: (sniffs) I have a pair of balls. It's wrong to say I don't. Kira: Jesus... (Kira storms out of the office.) Chas: Stu, can you please be nicer to SpongeBob? Now you're making Kira mad at me. Stu: Okay, if you want to give SpongeBob cases, give him cases. Just let me know before you do from now on. Is that reasonable enough? Chas: Yeah, yeah. That's fine. (Chas leaves Stu's office then goes to SpongeBob's, where he's reading over paperwork with Rufus.) Chas: What the hell is that thing? SpongeBob: Oh! That's Rufus! I'm looking over him until Ron's trial is over. I didn't know until now that he was fluent in legalese, though! I'm not even very good at it yet! (Rufus starts chattering, and SpongeBob nods.) SpongeBob: I'll keep that in mind. Chas: You don't know legalese, and yet you found the time to learn mole-rat? SpongeBob: Mole-rat and sea sponge are surprisingly similar languages! Chas: Okay...I guess I'll leave you to it. (On the day of the trial, SpongeBob and Ron walk into the courtroom, where the man Ron beat up is already with Shego.) Ron: We have to win this trial! I can't give Shego the satisfaction of sending me to prison! SpongeBob: We're going to win! I'll make sure the jury knows what I do: that you just want to help people and have never wished any ill will towards anyone. Ron: I'm wishing so much ill will towards Shego right now! SpongeBob: Maybe keep that to yourself. (Judge Leghorn returns to the bench and bangs his gavel.) Judge Leghorn: Let's begin them there proceedings. (Shego calls Wade to the stand.) Wade: What are you up to, Shego? Shego: I simply want to give this poor man the justice he deserves. Now, tell me, Wade, how long have to known Ron? Wade: About a year now. Shego: Would you say he's...competent? Wade: Uh... Shego: Remember you're under oath. Wade: He definitely...tries very hard. Shego: And do you suppose...in the act of trying very hard...he might attack a person by mistake? Wade: You can suppose many things, but nobody should go to jail over a supposition. Shego: When was the last time you left your room before today? Wade: Five months, two weeks, seven days, an hour, and around thirteen minutes ago. Shego: Uh, for what? Wade: My parents wanted me to take out the trash, and they seemed serious about beating me if I didn't do it. Shego: But you never had to take it out again after that? Wade: No, I just made a ray that transports all of our trash to the dump without having to move it at all. My parents didn't bother me again after that. Shego: You, Ron, and Kim make up Team Possible, is that correct? Wade: And Rufus! Don't forget about him! (SpongeBob pulls Rufus out of his pocket, who chatters at Shego angrily.) Judge Leghorn: (bangs gavel) Order in the court! Mole-rat is close enough to chicken that I know everything you said, boy, and I know your mama raised you better than to use that kind of language! (Rufus looks down and squeaks apologetically before SpongeBob slides him back into his pocket.) Shego: What is it that you would say Ron brings to Team Possible? Wade: Moral support! Ron: Moral support? Wade: I mean...every great team needs a great cheerleader! Ron: But I...I'm not even on the cheer squad! Kim is! Shego: And what does Kim bring to Team Possible? Wade: Intelligence, combat acumen, willingness to go outside... Ron: I have those things! Shego: No further questions, you honor. (Shego calls Mrs. Stoppable to the stand.) Shego: What do you think of your son's hero work? Mrs. Stoppable: Eh. Shego: Eh? it doesn't make you proud that he beats up on bad guys every day? Mrs. Stoppable: I would be more proud of him if he kept his grades up while doing it, like that friend of his. Shego: Does it surprise you that he's been accused of beating up an innocent man? Mrs. Stoppable: No, not really. Ron: Mom! Mrs. Stoppable: You do act impulsively a lot, dear. Like just last week when you left for school without your backpack and I had to leave work to bring it to you. Ron: That's not the same as beating up a harmless stranger! Mrs. Stoppable: Still, I hope you learn to think more before acting. You know good colleges won't accept a convict, assuming any of those colleges would consider you in the first place. Shego: No further questions. (Shego calls Kim Possible to the stand next.) Shego: What's your relationship with Ron? Kim: He's my best friend. Shego: Is that why you bring him along on your missions? Kim: Yeah, but he's proven himself useful a lot of times, too. Shego: Do you think Ron ever gets jealous of you? Kim: Jealous of me? Why? Shego: It's Team Possible, not Team Stoppable. You're the one in all the headlines. You're the one the villains know by name. Do you think that ever hurts his ego? Kim: No...Ron doesn't have an ego. He's completely selfless. That's why I know he wouldn't have hurt that man unless he genuinely believed people were in danger. Shego: Kim, are you in love with Ron? Kim: What the fuck kind of a question is that? SpongeBob: Objection! Relevance! Judge Leghorn: (eating popcorn) Overruled! I gotta know the answer to this! Kim: (blushing) I...um... (Rufus jumps out of SpongeBob's pocket and bites Shego on the back of her ankle.) Shego: What the fuck? (Shego tries to shake Rufus off.) Shego: Get off me! Judge Leghorn: Order! Order in the court! If y'all won't behave, I'll just call a recess now! (Judge Leghorn bangs his gavel, and a few minutes later, Ron is pushing SpongeBob down a slide on the playground.) SpongeBob: You notice anything strange about that guy you beat up? Ron: Not really. I've been too worried about the prospect of spending the next several years in prison. SpongeBob: (shakes head) You boys are all the same. Ed, Edd, Eddy, Dexter, Ash. So worried about what might happen if you lose that you don't focus on doing what it takes to win. (Ron goes down the slide himself.) SpongeBob: I used to be like you, all anxious, scared of everything, but I grew to realize that a life spent worrying about everything isn't a life worth living. Do you enjoy your life, Ron? Ron: Yeah. SpongeBob: Then fight for it! Don't let that green lady take it away from you! Fight for it! Ron: (nods) Okay. I'll do that. (When court resumes, Shego calls Ron to the stand.) Shego: Why did you attack my client? Ron: He was wearing a ski mask. I thought he was coming into Bueno Nacho to rob it. Shego: But why act so quickly? Why not ask him why he's there first? Ron: I didn't want to wait for him to pull out a gun, since fighting him then would put lives at risk. Shego: And if you did take out a big bad robber, you'd get recognition for it, right? Ron: I guess so, but...I don't really care about that. Shego: How does it feel being a sidekick? Ron: It feels great knowing that we help people every day. Shego: You say "we", but it's Kim who gets most of the credit for helping those people, right? Ron: I mean...she's the leader. Shego: But don't you think you'd be a good leader? Ron: Well...I'm the one on trial. I'm the one who beat the stuffing out of an innocent dude. Not something Kim would do. (The jury gasps.) Shego: That sounds a lot like a confession. (SpongeBob makes a T with his hands.) SpongeBob: Timeout! Timeout! Judge Leghorn: Hell do you think this is? Football? There ain't no timeouts! SpongeBob: Uh... (Rufus jumps out of SpongeBob's pocket and whispers in his ear.) SpongeBob: Objection! That wasn't a question! Shego: You didn't let me finish. That sounds a lot like a confession...doesn't it? Ron: (sighs) I guess it does. Shego: No further questions. (SpongeBob puts his head in his hands as Ron joins him. Rufus ignores them both, staring at the man Shego is representing, before whispering in SpongeBob's ear again.) SpongeBob: You sure? Okay, I guess it can't hurt us much more to try. (SpongeBob calls the victim to the stand.) SpongeBob: Sir, what's your name? Man: Theodore. SpongeBob: And had you ever eaten at Bueno Nacho before your encounter with the defendant, Theodore? Theodore: No. SpongeBob: How did you hear about it? Theodore: My friend said it had good burritos. And that, uh, "naco" they had sounded like it would be worth trying out. SpongeBob: Why were you wearing a ski mask that day? Theodore: Like I told the crazy fellow who attacked me, I wanted to keep my face warm. It was cold out. SpongeBob: But that wasn't your only mask, was it? Theodore: What are you getting at? SpongeBob: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...observe. (SpongeBob rips off Theodore's "face", revealing the blue face underneath it.) SpongeBob: "Theodore" is short for Drew Theodore P. Lipsky, known to most people as Dr. Drakken, one of the world's biggest supervillains! (The jury gasps again, and Shaggy, one of the people in the jury, drops a sandwich he was eating.) Shaggy: Like, I didn't even see that coming! SpongeBob: Dr. Drakken may not have intended to rob Bueno Nacho that day, but there's no arguing he's a very bad man who has hurt many people already and who was kept from hurting anybody else through the actions of our defendant. Shaggy: (picks sandwich up) Five second rule! Close enough to five seconds, anyway. Dr. Drakken: Fine, fine! You've exposed me! I noticed that boy, whose name escapes me, is always with Kim when she defeats me, so I thought maybe if I took him out of the equation, I would stop having my plans foiled by Kim! And I would have succeeded, too, if it weren't for you, you meddling block of cheese! SpongeBob: No further questions. Judge Leghorn: Well, I don't think we need closing arguments at this point, so jury...y'all know what to do. (The jury spends the next few minutes deliberating in another room before coming out with their verdict.) Shaggy: Like, we find the defendant not guilty! Ron: Boo-yah! (Rufus jumps out of SpongeBob's pocket and into Ron's hands.) SpongeBob: I couldn't have done it without that little guy's help. Think you can bring him back to the office sometime? I think he'd make a great clerk. Ron: What do you think, Rufus? (Rufus chatters happily.) Ron: (chuckles) Looks like you found your new clerk. (Policemen walk into the courtroom.) Officer 1: So uh, Dr. Drakken, you're actually wanted for, like, several crimes, so you'll have to come with us. Officer 2: And Shego, we just found out that law degree of yours is forged, which is like, super illegal, so you'll have to come with us, too. (As Dr. Drakken and Shego leave with the officers, Ron and Rufus wave goodbye to them.) Ron: Another win for Team Possible! SpongeBob: And SpongeBob! Ron: And SpongeBob. (The End)

I'll be Harvey Birdman from the PS2 game Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law.

Habeas corpus Our absorbent attorney SpongeBob SquarePants, Attorney at Law Episode 3: Ash Ketchum Animal Abuse (The morning after SpongeBob’s latest legal victory, Stu Pickles is stopped by a reporter in front of the entrance to Finster, Finster & Pickles.) Reporter: How does it feel knowing you have one of the most brilliant up-and-coming lawyers in the world working for you? Stu: (pauses) No comment. (Stu rushes into the building, and a month later, he's in his office with Chas.) Chas: Why haven't you given SpongeBob any new cases since the Dexter one? Stu: He's been doing a great job with the clerical work. When I find a case that fits him, I'll give it to him. Chas: Stu...do you like SpongeBob? Stu: What do you mean? Of course I like him! Chas: It's just...Kira's been talking...and the way you've been treating the kid makes it kind of obvious. Stu: Fine. I'm not his biggest fan. Chas: But why? Stu: He's just...so...yellow. Chas: So is Heffer, and you love him! (Heffer, a suit-wearing steer, peeks into the office.) Heffer: Hey, Stu, you get that thing I sent you? Stu: (laughs) Yeah! Thanks, man! (Heffer gives a thumbs up then disappears.) Stu: You're right! I do love him. Chas: So, what pisses you off about SpongeBob in particular? Stu: You hear what the news is calling him? Chas: Wunderkind, yeah. Stu: He isn't a wunderkind, he's just been lucky, and I don't know how I can make people see that! Chas: Just give him another case. How about the Ash Ketchum one? Stu: I was about to toss that one. You know how crazy the People's Animal Freedom Front gets. I would hate to subject any of our lawyers to tha...now that I think about it, sure! Let's give SpongeBob the case. (Later that day, Ash Ketchum walks into SpongeBob's office with his Pikachu, Pikachu.) SpongeBob: Oh, is that your cat? It's so cute! (SpongeBob reaches to pet Pikachu.) Ash: No, don't! Pikachu: Pika... (Pikachu releases a spark that instantly electrocutes SpongeBob, turning him black.) Pikachu: Chu! Ash: Sorry, that's his way of saying he loves you. SpongeBob: (coughs up blood) I'm definitely feeling the love right now. Oh, is that ketchup? (SpongeBob passes out.) Ash: Oh no, was he a water type? (SpongeBob wakes up in a hospital, where Dr. Hibbert is tending to him.) Dr. Hibbert: (chuckles) So the lawyer comes to! SpongeBob: Am...am I going to die? Dr. Hibbert: While all of your organs did shut down for a moment, you're good now. SpongeBob: Thanks, doc. (Dr. Hibbert gives a friendly nod then gives SpongeBob a very long piece of paper.) Dr. Hibbert: Here's your bill. SpongeBob: I've never seen that many zeroes! Dr. Hibbert: (winks) Lawyer's special. (SpongeBob takes a bus from the hospital back to his apartment, where he finds Tito lying on the floor.) Tito: I...I'm sorry. I tried to stop them. SpongeBob: Stop who? Tito: The animal wrongs activists. They broke in while I was inspecting your fridge... SpongeBob: Hey, is that my jellyfish jelly on your face? Tito: ...you passed the inspection, by the way. Delicious! Anyway, they broke in, and I did everything I could. I said "no, don't" twice, but they still took him. SpongeBob: Took who? Tito: Your mollusk! SpongeBob: (gasps) Gary? (SpongeBob runs to all of Gary's usual hiding places but finds him nowhere.) SpongeBob: Tito, do you have a pen and paper? (Tito quickly pulls a pen and paper out of his shorts.) SpongeBob: (hesitant) Was that in your underwear? Tito: No, I'm not a savage! SpongeBob: Right. (SpongeBob grabs the pen and paper and hastily draws Gary with it before rushing out of his apartment.) SpongeBob: (waving paper) Have you seen this snail? Hello, have you seen this snail? Heffer: I've seen him! SpongeBob: Heffer? Heffer: Yeah, the PAFF guys were on their way to the Toony River with him. SpongeBob: Thanks! Heffer: By the way, you get that thing I sent you? SpongeBob: Uh...yeah? Heffer: Great! I'll see you at work, buddy. (SpongeBob hurries to the Toony River, where PAFF activists are about to throw Gary in.) SpongeBob: Stop! Gary: Meow. Activist 1: Listen to him, he's begging to be freed! Activist 2: He must have been miserable living with a hater of our four-legged friends like you! SpongeBob: But...Gary doesn't have any legs. (The activists throw Gary into the river, which quickly pulls him towards a waterfall.) SpongeBob: No! You'll kill him! Activist 1: PAFF would never kill an animal...other than the thousands of animals we kill each year by euthanasia, of course. (SpongeBob runs past the activists into the river and absorbs enough of the river's water to get Gary heading towards him instead of the waterfall.) Activist 2: Boo! (SpongeBob, now 20 times his usual size, picks up Gary carefully and then releases the water back into the river.) Activist 2: You may have won today, but you aren't going to win in court! Activist 1: Yeah, we have a great lawyer working for us! (The next day, SpongeBob, Ash Ketchum, and Pikachu are in the courtroom with all of the PAFF activists in the seats not occupied by the jurors.) Activists: Animal abusers! Animal abusers! Ash: Why would they call us such a horrible thing? SpongeBob: Because they're horrible people. I can't wait to whoop whoever they bring in! (Jack walks into the courtroom.) SpongeBob: (gasps) Jack? Ash: You know him? SpongeBob: I've already beaten him! Jack: (growls) You! Thanks to my humiliation at your hands, I had to resign as a prosecutor and focus on gigs with nonprofits instead! SpongeBob: (shrugs) Sorry, but I'll have to humiliate you again! Jack: We'll see about that. I call Misty to the stand! Ash: Oh, Misty's one of my best friends! She would never get Pikachu taken from me. Jack: So, how did you meet the defendant? Misty: He, uh, he stole my bike. Jack: Why? Misty: He had to get Pikachu to a Pokémon Center. Jack: And what exactly is a Pokémon Center? Misty: It's...basically like a hospital. Jack: So Pikachu was injured? Misty: Yes...very injured. Jack: Was that the only time you've seen him very injured? Misty: (looks down) Well, no. Jack: Would you say that this sport you and Ash use your animals to play is one that is very often harmful to the animals? Misty: They aren't animals! They're Pokémon! It...it's different. Jack: How? Misty: They have personalities as complex as ours. They have their own language, even if we don't understand it. They're just as human as we are! Jack: And how did you get your Pokémon? Misty: I...I caught it. Jack: In a ball like this one? (Jack pulls a Poké Ball out of his pocket.) Misty: Yes. Jack: So, if these Pokémon aren't any different from humans, and you use these devices to capture them and remove them from their homes, would you say that this is any different than slavery? Misty: Uh...uh... SpongeBob: Objection! My client is being sued for animal abuse, not slavery! Jack: This is all purely hypothetical. Judge Leghorn: I say, keep your hypotheticals to a minimum, Jack! Jack: No further questions. (Misty leaves the stand, and Jack calls Brock to the stand next.) Jack: What do you do for a living, Brock? Brock: I'm a gym leader! At least, I'm usually one, but I'm taking a break for now to help Ash. Jack: And what do gym leaders do? Brock: We challenge trainers who want to compete for the Pokémon League. Jack: And trainers who defeat gym leaders such as yourself or win games in this Pokémon League, do they receive cash prizes? Brock: Yeah, of course! Jack: What is is about Pokémon battling that you would say is any different from cockfighting? Brock: Pokémon can refuse to fight, but cocks can't. (Giggles are heard from the jury.) Judge Leghorn: (bangs gavel) Order in the court! As a proud cock myself, I will not let y'all use that word as a source of amusement! (Nurse Joy walks into the courtroom.) Brock: Speaking of cocks... Jack: Jesus...no further questions! (Brock comes down from the stand as Nurse Joy approaches it.) Brock: Hello, nurse! Nurse Joy: Fuck off. (Brock leaves the courtroom sadly.) Jack: So...Nurse Joy...do you recognize the defendant's Pikachu? Nurse Joy: Oh, yes! I've treated him many times! Jack: What have you treated him for? Nurse Joy: Oh, the usual. Poisoning, burns, freezing. (Shocked murmurs are heard from the jury.) Jack: Do you think Pokémon battling is good for the Pokémon? Nurse Joy: I've...never really thought about it. Jack: No further questions. SpongeBob: Your honor, I would like to cross examine! Judge Leghorn: Really? This should be mighty interesting. (Jack sits down, and SpongeBob replaces him in front of the stand.) SpongeBob: So, Nurse Joy, why did you choose to become a nurse? Nurse Joy: Money! SpongeBob: But treating the Pokémon is free, isn't it? Nurse Joy: The Pokémon League pays us a lot of money to do it, though. SpongeBob: Where does the Pokémon League get its money? Nurse Joy: From everyone betting on it, probably. SpongeBob: You're allowed to bet on it? Nurse Joy: Duh! That's the main reason it's so popular! SpongeBob: Have you ever bet on a Pokémon battle? Nurse Joy: I do it all the time! I even bet on Ash once! Worst mistake of my life! Ash: (grumbling) Not the first time I heard that. SpongeBob: Do lots of people bet on Ash? Nurse Joy: Definitely! The League pushes him and that cute Pikachu of his all the time, and since they lose all the time, it's easy money for us! (Jack's eyes widen.) SpongeBob: No further questions. Judge Leghorn: The court, I say, the court will now adjourn for a recess. (SpongeBob, Ash, and Pikachu are spinning on a Merry-Go-Round in the middle of the playground.) Ash: Hey, SpongeBob, do you think you could smuggle a Poké Ball into the courtroom in case we lose this? SpongeBob: We aren't going to lose this, but sure. Ash: Do you really think those sports betting companies are plastering my face everywhere just to take advantage of how bad I am? SpongeBob: (looks both ways) Uh...no? Ash: What a relief! (SpongeBob sweats as he sees representatives of PokéFanDuel and PokéDraftKings pointing sniper rifles at him from tall buildings across the street. SpongeBob and Jack give their closing remarks in the courtroom after the recess ends.) Jack: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've seen the scars of Ash's Pikachu, you've learned everything there is to know about their brutal sport. Now, you must do the right thing and free that Pikachu from his abusive owner before he ends up killed in one of these gladiator contests. (The PAFF activists in the seats cheer.) SpongeBob: Jurors, the defendant is nothing more than a victim, a victim of a... (Multiple red dots appear on SpongeBob's face.) SpongeBob: Complete legal and completely safe business that would never intentional exploit any child or animal! If you want to bet on Pokémon battles, I encourage you to do so responsibly and not take away anyone's Pokémon while doing so! (The red dots disappear, and SpongeBob breathes a sigh of relief despite the PAFF activists in the seats booing him. The jurors go into another room for deliberations, and they're in the room for hours before returning to the seats with their verdict.) Juror: We find the defendant...guilty. SpongeBob: What? Ash: (whispers) Give me the ball. (SpongeBob tosses the ball to Ash.) Ash: Go, Jigglypuff! (A Jigglypuff appears from the ball.) Judge Leghorn: Jigglypuff? I don't remember approving no Jigglypuff in this here... Ash: (puts on headphones) Use Sing! (The Jigglypuff starts to sing, and everybody in the courtroom except Ash falls asleep. When SpongeBob wakes up, he notices that Ash, Pikachu, and Jigglypuff are now gone.) Jack: I can't believe that kid managed to escape before we could confiscate his Pikachu! Who gave him that ball, anyway? SpongeBob: I guess it's a mystery that will never be solved. Jack: There's cameras everywhere! Somebody probably slipped it to him during recess! SpongeBob: Unless a cat with really painful electric powers used those powers to destroy any cameras that might contain evidence! (SpongeBob laughs nervously as everyone stares at him.) SpongeBob: Just a hypothetical, of course. Judge Leghorn: What did I tell y'all about hypotheticals? (The End)

After several years without a hit film, Paramount Pictures is on the verge of bankruptcy. Desperate to save the studio, their CEO hires unexpected help. Episode 43: What If…JCM Directed a Movie? (JCM walks into the tvguy’s office at Paramount Pictures in Los Angeles, California.) tvguy: So...tell me about this “SpongeBob Community”. JCM: You’ve...been on the site longer than me. tvguy: (laughs) I’m just fucking around! But seriously, we need a new intellectual property that can put butts In seats. Something on the level of Star Wars, Jurassic Park, or Batman. Star Trek, Transformers, and SpongeBob are great, but we can’t churn out hits with them anymore! We need something cool, something fresh. Something like that lit you used to write, JCMovies. JCM: Why not just make a movie adaption of JCMovies, then? tvguy: (gasps) That’s a great idea! JCM: Wait, really? tvguy: My people will be in touch with your people. JCM: But...I don’t have people. tvguy: Get going now! I’m a very busy man! (tvguy starts playing Candy Crush on his phone as JCM leaves his office. The next morning, JCM gets a call from tvguy’s assistant.) Assistant: Great news! Your movie has been greenlit! JCM: My movie? Assistant: The JCMovie! You’ll have a budget of $100 million and will be expected to begin production tomorrow. JCM: Tomorrow? Who’s going to direct it? Assistant: You, silly! JCM: But… Assistant: Good luck! (The assistant hangs up.) JCM: I’ve never directed a movie. (The next day, JCM walks into the Paramount lot, where the sets for The JCMovie are being built.) tvguy: JCM, you’re just in time! Here are your leads… (Margot Robbie, Timothée Chalamet, and Brad Pitt appear.) JCM: Wow! Those are some big...and expensive names. Brad Pitt: I assume you’re JCM? JCM: Yeah. Brad Pitt: I’m going to be playing you! JCM: Can I...speak with you alone for a second, tvguy? (JCM and tvguy go into one of the trailers on the lot.) JCM: What are you doing? Brad Pitt isn’t nearly as good looking at I am! tvguy: Come on! Every movie adaption takes some liberties with the source material! JCM: This is too risky! I don’t know anything about directing! tvguy: Every director I’ve hired before you has had extensive experience, and they’ve all put out nothing but flops! I want something great, something that can get social media buzz! You ever use this app TikTok? It’s fucking nuts! And Paramount movies never show up on it! JCM: (sighs) Okay, who else is going to be in the cast? tvguy: The full list of names should be texted to you right...now! (JCM hears a ding on his phone, and his eyes widen when he turns it on.) JCM: I can’t believe you can afford this! tvguy: Believe it! I can't wait to see what you do with Ryan Reynolds! He's my favorite! JCM: (scrolling through list) Wait, I’m in this, too? tvguy: In a cameo. JCM: I’ll be honest: I don’t know if I can save your studio with this movie, but I’m going to try. (JCM finishes the movie’s script that night and goes through it with the full cast the next day. After several grueling months of filming, JCM watches the first cut of the movie in a small theater with tvguy.) JCM: I’m sorry...I wish I did better. tvguy: No, it’s perfect. Thank you, JCM. You’ve been a big help. (tvguy stands up as the credits roll and pats JCM on the back before leaving the theater. Several more months later, the final cut of the movie is having its world premiere in Los Angeles. The movie begins with an establishing shot of the SpongeBob Community School.) “JCM”: (voiceover) It can be hard saying goodbye to the people and places you love… (A large replica of the Millennium Falcon lands in front of the school, and “jjs”, played by Bob Odenkirk, walks out of it.) “JCM”: (voiceover) But that only makes it feel that much better when you eventually find your way back to them. (“OWM”, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, and “sbl”, played by Adam Scott, come out of the school as “jjs” approaches it.) “OWM”: Thanks for getting here as quickly as you did. “jjs”: Just because I run The Force Academy now doesn’t mean I would miss SBC’s annual accreditation-threatening emergency. (Later in the movie, MCJ, played like “JCM” by Brad Pitt, has everyone in the school outside of his twin brother locked inside the auditorium with him.) MCJ: Now that I’ve escaped from prison, I’m going to take over this school and make Cha my wife! (“Cha”, played by Sabrina Carpenter, rolls her eyes.) “Cha”: Can’t that guy take no for an answer? (After “JCM” rescues everybody, he’s stopped by “Katniss”, played by Zendaya.) “Katniss”: Do you ever think this school will have another Taco Tuesday? “JCM”: After I defeat my brother, you’ll never have to worry about Taco Tuesday being canceled again! “Katniss”: (crying) You better fucking be right about this! (Later in the movie, “Clappy”, played by Ryan Reynolds, is meeting with “terminoob”, played by Patrick Stewart, in the teacher’s lounge.) “Clappy”: Is it true that if JCM dies this time, you’ll have no way of bringing him back? “terminoob”: Yes. JCM must survive this coming battle. (“Aquatic Nuggets”, played by Will Smith, walks into the teacher’s lounge that very moment.) “Aquatic Nuggets”: What is this, some kind of SpongeBob Community? “terminoob”: Yes. Yes we are. (Later in the movie, “jjs” meets with “WhoBob”, played by Timothée Chalamet, behind the school.) “WhoBob”: This relationship isn’t right. You’re the principal of a space school, and I’m just a lowly English teacher. “jjs”: (smiles) I used to be an English teacher, myself. (“Wumbo”, played by Willem Dafoe, appears behind the school with the others.) “Wumbo”: And I used to be something of a scientist, myself. (“jjs” and “WhoBob” stare at “Wumbo”.) “Wumbo”: But...but I’m retired now. (Later in the movie, “JCM” is at a soda bar, sitting next to a man played by the real JCM.) “JCM”: MCJ has gone too far this time. I’ll have to go all out in my fight against him, even if it means fighting to the death. Man: I can’t believe soda bars still exist! This is incredible! Mountain Dew on tap? It’s like I’m in heaven! (Later in the movie, MCJ is about to deliver the final blow to a bruised and bloodied “JCM” in their final battle when “Sauce Mama”, played by Margot Robbie, appears with a gun.) “Sauce Mama”: Get the fuck away from my brother! MCJ: Technically, I’m your brother, too. “Sauce Mama”: Get away from him! MCJ: (laughs) You aren’t going to shoot me. (“Sauce Mama” shoots MCJ in the chest.) MCJ: I stand corrected. (dies) “JCM”: Sauce...you saved me… “Sauce Mama”: I...I’m not so sure about that. “JCM”: (looks down) Yeah, I guess my wounds are pretty bad. (The students and faculty of the SpongeBob Community watch sadly as “JCM” dies in “Sauce Mama”’s arms.) “Katniss”: He sacrificed himself...for Taco Tuesday. “sbl”: He sacrificed himself for the school. (“SpongeSebastian”, played by Tom Cruise with his bald cap from Tropic Thunder, wipes away a tear.) “SpongeSebastian”: He was the best fucking guidance counselor this school ever had. (The movie ends with “Sauce Mama” crying at JCM’s grave.) “JCM”: (voiceover) It can be hard saying goodbye to the people and places you love… (“Sauce Mama” looks up in surprise as somebody puts a hand on her shoulder. When she turns around and sees who it is, which the camera doesn’t reveal, her face immediately brightens up.) “JCM”: (voiceover) But that only makes it feel that much better when you eventually find your way back to them. (As the credits roll, the people in the theater are silent for a moment before erupting into applause. JCM, who is in the audience, watches with astonishment.) JCM: They like it! They really like it! (The JCMovie becomes the first movie ever to gross $3 billion at the box office, and after its theatrical run ends, JCM walks into tvguy’s office for the first time since the film’s premiere.) tvguy: You stupid motherfucker! Your movie was supposed to be the biggest flop ever, but instead, it was enough of a hit to give this studio at least another decade of runway! JCM: Huh? tvguy: This was a scheme to get Paramount’s investors spooked enough to pull the rest of their money and put this studio out of its misery once and for all! I would have gotten an amazing golden parachute to retire with, but instead, I’ll have to keep running this goddamn place just to put food on the table! JCM: I...I’m sorry. I didn’t know. tvguy: But I could have forgiven all of that if you had done just one thing...put me in the fucking movie! Ryan Reynolds was right there! How was it not obvious to you? JCM: He...seemed like he would be a better Clappy. tvguy: And that’s why you’re a shitty director! Get the fuck out of my office! (JCM leaves the office sadly. A year later, after The JCMovie sweeps the Academy Awards, including a win for Best Director by JCM, tvguy begrudgingly hires him back to write and direct the sequel, and stuck culture remains undefeated.)

Habeas corpus Our absorbent attorney SpongeBob SquarePants, Attorney at Law Episode 2: Dexter's Meth Lab (Dexter crawls into his house, the sounds of sirens behind him and a bloodstain on his white lab coat gradually getting larger.) Dexter: Must...get...to...laboratory. (Dexter enters him room and struggles to his feet, sifting through books in his bookcase until he finds the right one and pulls it, revealing the entrance to his laboratory behind the bookcase. Once he's in his lab, he sees a large red button in the distance.) Dexter: I know what that button does! (Dexter uses the last of his strength to get to the button, but just as he's about to press it, he collapses. Moments later, SWAT agents fall into the lab and surround him as Baby Blue by Badfinger plays. When Dexter finally wakes up, he's in a hospital bed.) Dexter: I'm...alive? (At the law firm of Finster, Finster & Pickles, Chas Finster, Kira Watanabe-Finster, and Stu Pickles are reading about their newest case.) Kira: I'm fucking sick of these boy geniuses! Remember when we had to defend Jimmy Neutron for selling all those weapons to Saudi Arabia? I want nothing to do with this one! Chas: Yeah, it does look like a tough one. Stu: I know! Why don't we assign SpongeBob to it? Kira: Are you crazy? Chas: He did good on the Eds case, but this is a different animal entirely! Stu: C'mon, we need to show that we trust him so he doesn't leave for the first big firm that offers him! Chas: This could destroy our business...or it could help us reach heights we've never dreamed of. Kira: I'll let you boys discuss this. Just keep me as far away from it as possible. (Later that day, SpongeBob enters the local police station.) SpongeBob: I'd like to talk to my newest client, Dexter! Receptionist: Do you have your credentials? SpongeBob: Right here, ma'am! (SpongeBob hands something to the receptionist.) Receptionist: This is a coupon for a free Triple Gooberberry Sunrise at Goofer Goober's...that expired three years ago. SpongeBob: Is that...not what you wanted? Receptionist: I don't get paid enough for this. (The receptionist's phone rings, and she picks it up.) Receptionist: Uh huh. Uh huh. (hangs up) Okay, your client's currently in the interrogation room. It's right around the corner. SpongeBob: Thanks! (SpongeBob leaves, and the receptionist shakes her head.) Receptionist: Wouldn't want him to be my lawyer. (SpongeBob walks into the interrogation room, where Dexter and Detective Arnold are waiting for him.) Arnold: You're the attorney, right? Hey, there. I'm Arnold. SpongeBob: Ooh, like the robot from the movies? (changes voice) Come with me if you want to live! Dexter: That's the worst accent I've ever heard! Arnold: Where's your accent from, by the way? Dexter: What accent? Arnold: Are you from Germany? Russia? SpongeBob: You can answer that. Dexter: I...I'm from here. Right down the street. Arnold: (writes in notebook) Interesting. So, what should I call you? Dexter: Dexter. Arnold: Do you have a last name? SpongeBob: Don't answer that. Arnold: Fine, let's shift gears. Do you recognize this? (Arnold throws a bag of a blue substance onto the table between him and the others.) SpongeBob: Ooh, what is that? It looks tasty! Arnold: That, my friend, is Blue Heaven, the purest meth ever to hit the streets. Not only did we find this in your laboratory, but we found equipment that we can already confirm was used to manufacture this. (Arnold throws pictures taken in Dexter's laboratory on the table.) SpongeBob: Can you prove that this laboratory or any of the stuff in there belonged to my client? Arnold: The DNA results are still pending, but I'm sure we will. Dexter: (crosses arms) I don't know about any of that. Arnold: The meth and the equipment aren't the only things we found in your lab. We also found the bodies of several unidentified men... (Arnold throws pictures of multiple dead bodies on the table.) Arnold: ...and the body of a girl we've already identified as your sister, Dee Dee. Dexter: (starts to cry) I told her to stay out of my fucking laboratory. SpongeBob: (laughs nervously) My client has no idea what he's talking about! He's uh...he's high! On that Blue Heaven you were talking about! So nothing he just said can be put on the record! (Arnold finishes writing in his notebook.) Arnold: All of this is going on the record. That's enough for today. Nice meeting the two of you. (Arnold leaves the room.) SpongeBob: I think that went well! (Later, SpongeBob and Dexter are in the courtroom.) SpongeBob: I wonder who the prosecutor for this case will be! Dexter: Do you always wonder aloud like that? (Jack, a samurai-turned-lawyer, walks in wearing a suit and holding a large briefcase.) Dexter: We're doomed! Jack is the best attorney out there! He's never lost a case! SpongeBob: Well, he's never gone up against me! Dexter: Haven't you only gone up against one other lawyer? SpongeBob: (looks both ways) Maybe. Judge Leghorn: The court, I say, the court is now in session! Jack: Thanks, your honor. Today, we're going to learn about a boy, a boy who seems to be an ordinary boy but is actually a ruthless drug kingpin. Working out of a laboratory in his parents' basement, he's cooked up something that has ruined lives, destabilized families, and led hundreds, if not thousands, to untimely deaths. You'll understand in short order why Dexter can never be a free man again. SpongeBob: Oh, is it my turn? (clears throat) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Dexter is innocent of all charges. This other lawyer, while he talks real good, isn't talking much truth. I'm calling him a liar, a big, fat liar. And a meanie, too! Jack: I am not a meanie! SpongeBob: Are too! Judge Leghorn: (bangs gavel) Enough with that there name calling! Let's get this thing started! Jack: I would like to call my first witness to the stand...Dad. (Dad comes onto the stand.) Jack: Now, Dad, what's your son's name? Dad: Timmy Turner. Jack: Goddamn it! We got the wrong Dad! (Five minutes later) Jack: Now, Dad, what's your son's name? Dad: Dexter. Jack: (sighs with relief) So, are you aware of what your son was allegedly doing in your basement? Dad: Yes, I'm aware, and I think your allegations are insane! Don't you think I would know if my kid were running a meth lab right under me? Jack: Dad...are you afraid of Dexter? Dad: (laughs) Why would I be afraid of him? Jack: Do you happen to recall this? (Jack plays the below video on a large screen mounted to the courtroom's wall.) Dad: (sweating) I...uh...I tried to punish Dexter for being out late one night, and he didn't like that very much...but he did eventually feed me! (Dad turns to Dexter with a friendly smile, who then responds with a disapproving shake of his head.) Jack: No further questions, your honor. (Jack calls Mom to the stand next.) Jack: Mom, what's your son's name? Mom: Dexter. Jack: Thank God. Now, Mom, did you have any suspicions at all about your son's alleged secret life? Mom: No, none at all. He's in his room a lot, but I just assumed he was doing what every other boy does. You know, reading comics books, playing video games, certainly not what he's being accused of. Jack: You've never noticed any changes to his behavior? Mom: He's a growing boy. Not too far from puberty. Of course there have been some changes, but nothing that would lead me to believe he would hurt anyone. Jack: Why are you wearing those rubber gloves? Mom: A few years ago, I started smelling something strange in the house, and no matter how much I scrubbed, the smell would never go away. So, I wear these all the time now, just as a precaution. Jack: Is it possible that the smell had come from the production of methamphetamine in your basement? (Mom's eyes widen as she thinks about what Jack said.) Jack: Remember that you swore on a Bible (pulls out a Bible) to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Mom: I guess...anything is possible. (Dexter sighs in despair.) SpongeBob: Your own mom. That's rough. Dexter: Let me testify. SpongeBob: You sure? Dexter: (nods) It seems that nobody can save me but myself at this point. (Jack paces back and forth with Dexter on the stand.) Jack: Why did you choose to testify? Dexter: So that I can clear my name. Jack: Do you really expect one person in this jury to think you're innocent at this point? Dexter: I expect all of them to do, because I am. Jack: Do you think we're a bunch of morons? SpongeBob: Objection! Now he's name calling! Judge Leghorn: Sustained. Don't you be suggesting I'm a moron, now. Jack: Let me rephrase. As somebody who has never struggled in school, who has an IQ on par with some of the smartest people in the world, do you believe that you deserve things people who aren't morons but also aren't geniuses like you don't? Dexter: No. I've never felt my intellect made me better than anyone. All I've ever wanted to be is normal. Jack: Final question: what happened to your sister? Dexter: (pauses) I plead the fifth. Jack: Are you saying that you would like to exercise your Fifth Amendment right not to implicate yourself? Dexter: (looks down) Yes. (Murmurs are heard throughout the jury.) Jack: No further questions. Judge Leghorn: Court will now adjourn for a recess. SpongeBob: Yay! (Dexter walks back to SpongeBob sadly.) SpongeBob: Want to hit the seesaw? Dexter: No, I don't want to hit the seesaw! I'm about to go to prison for the rest of my life! SpongeBob: (bats eyelashes) Please? Dexter: (groans) Fine. (As Dexter and SpongeBob go up and down on the seesaw, Dexter thinks.) Dexter: SpongeBob, do you think you can relay a message to an associate of mine? SpongeBob: Sure! Who is it? Dexter: His name's Aku. I think he would love an opportunity to give Jack his first loss, and I know exactly how we can make it happen. SpongeBob: And how do I find this Aku? Dexter: Well, he's a demon, so you have to summon him. I'll tell you the words to say, but make sure you say them exactly how I do. If you say them wrong, you'll summon the Red Guy instead, and that guy's annoying as shit. SpongeBob: You can count on me! (After the recess ends, SpongeBob and Jack give their closing remarks.) Jack: ...and that is why you must convict our defendant and keep him and his Blue Heaven off our streets. SpongeBob: Friends, jurors, countrymen, lend me your ears. My client is guilty of nothing other than being smart and loving science in a world that hates smart people and rejects science. But despite this, he never lost faith in this world. He never wanted anything other than to make it better, which is why he built a laboratory, not a laboratory to cook meth in, but to cook up the coolest inventions I've ever seen! (SpongeBob pulls out a fidget spinner.) SpongeBob: Like this! Jack says Dexter is a monster, but what kind of monster would create something this incredible? If you send Dexter to prison, we won't be losing any drugs, but we will be losing this brilliant, amazing boy and all of the brilliant, amazing things floating around in his head. The decision lies with you, jury. Make the right one. Judge Leghorn: Begin, I say, begin your deliberations. (The jurors go into another room and spend less than an hour in it before returning. SpongeBob shakes and Jack stands confidently as they prepare to give their verdict.) Juror: The jurors find Dexter...not guilty! SpongeBob: I did it! I won again! My speech worked! Dexter: (whispers) I think Aku threatening all of the jurors' families had a bigger effect. SpongeBob: No, it was definitely my speech! (SpongeBob and Dexter leave the courthouse together as Jack remains inside, speechless.) SpongeBob: So, now that this all over, mind telling me what happened to your sister? Dexter: (sighs) My biggest rival in this business, Mandark, found out where my lab was, and he sent henchmen there to ambush me. Unfortunately, I wasn't the first person to encounter them. Dee Dee was, and by the time I caught up with them...it was too late. SpongeBob: Gee, I'm sorry. Dexter: I killed the henchmen, and I left immediately to do the same to Mandark. (feels patched-up wound) He got me good, but I did him one better, and right as I was about to put the final bullet in him, he revealed that he alerted the authorities to the location of my lab...the fucking rat. SpongeBob: That's how they found you there. Dexter: Yeah. (SpongeBob and Dexter keep walking until they're at the door to Dexter's house.) SpongeBob: You think I did a good job? Dexter: No. SpongeBob: Why? Dexter: I gave you one job: to not fuck up the summon... (Dexter opens his door to reveal the Red Guy inside his house.) Red Guy: What's up, bitches? Dexter: And now I have to look at his bare ass for the rest of the day. SpongeBob: I got it right the second time, though! Dexter: (sighs) Yeah, I guess. If you ever need anything from me, call me, beep me, you know how it goes. (Dexter slams the door in SpongeBob's face.) SpongeBob: Another job well done! (The End)

25 years ago today, Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law premiered on Cartoon Network. This spin-off is my tribute to it. Premise: SpongeBob leverages his success as a lawyer in Krabs vs. Plankton into a full blown legal career, where he defends the stars of popular cartoons from the 90s and early 2000s from the consequences of crimes they may or may not have committed. Habeas corpus Our absorbent attorney SpongeBob SquarePants, Attorney at Law Episode 1: Ed, Edd, n Eddy (Alleg-Ed-ly) Commit Financial Fraud (SpongeBob and Gary are in front of SpongeBob’s pineapple, which now has a For Sale sign in front of it. Patrick joins them, tears in his eyes.) Patrick: I guess this is it, buddy. You be the greatest lawyer who ever lawyered! SpongeBob: You know I will, pal! And I’ll call you every day! And we’ll go jellyfishing every weekend! (SpongeBob and Patrick hug as Squidward approach them.) Squidward: So, it’s true? You’re really leaving the neighborhood? (SpongeBob nods sadly.) SpongeBob: I got a job at a law firm in Toon City. This means I can’t work with you at the Krusty Krab anymore, either, Squidward. Squidward: Keep going, I’m almost there! (SpongeBob and Patrick stop hugging, and SpongeBob picks up a suitcase.) SpongeBob: Wait, Squidward, you never gave me your number! Squidward: I must have misplaced it. Ask me again in five years. I’m sure I’ll have found it then. (SpongeBob sees a bus coming towards them.) SpongeBob: That’s my ride. Goodbye, Patrick, Goodbye, Squidward. Goodbye, Bikini Bottom. (Patrick cries and Squidward dances as SpongeBob and Gary get on the bus. Several hours later, the bus stops in front of a pineapple-shaped apartment in Toon City.) SpongeBob: Here we are, Gary! (SpongeBob carries Gary and his suitcase off the bus and enter the apartment with them, where he finds Tito from Rocket Power sweeping the floor.) Tito: Ah, you must be our newest tenant. Welcome! Did you bring your first month's rent? (SpongeBob takes a bundle of money out of his pocket and gives it to Tito, who then takes a deep whiff of it.) Tito: Ah, it smells like a Hawaiian spring. Enjoy your new place! If you see a rat, don’t pet it. They bite like motherfuckers. (Tito leaves the apartment, and SpongeBob, seeing that it’s already late, goes straight to bed. The next morning, Stu Pickles, one of the partners at Finster, Finster & Pickles, walks into Chas Finster’s office.) Stu: Chas, I wanted to talk to you again about our new lawyer. Chas: What about him? Stu: Well, he doesn’t have a degree. He doesn’t have any experience outside of one court case he was only a part of because the actual lawyer his boss hired had a freak accident. Why are we bringing him on? Chas: Stu, what were you doing before Kira and I made you a partner at our law firm? Stu: I was, uh, I was making toys in our basement. Chas: And this SpongeBob fellow was making minimum wage as a fry cook, and unlike you, he’s already won a case! Stu: This isn’t...this isn’t about me! The firm’s enough of a laughingstock already. We need attorneys with degrees from good schools, extensive courtroom experience, and non-angular pants! Chas: We can't afford those kinds of attorneys. We'll have to make it work with SpongeBob. Now, what do you suggest for his first case? Stu: How about the Edxchange case? Chas: The Edxchange case? You sure? Stu: (smiles) I've never been more sure. (SpongeBob is in his new office with Ed, Edd, and Eddy.) SpongeBob: So, how exactly do you pronounce Edxchange? Eds-change or Ed-exchange? Ed: Yes! SpongeBob: And what exactly is this...whatever you call it? Eddy: It's a stock exchange that lets you buys shares of companies you can't buy shares of in the other stock exchanges, companies that will be household names someday! SpongeBob: And what are the names of those companies? Eddy: It's a secret! Edd: (sigh) There are no companies. It's a scam, a scam that got some very wealthy people very angry, which is why we're sitting here today. (SpongeBob opens a binder.) SpongeBob: Yes, it says here that you're accused of stealing...wow! $8 billion! Why not just give it back? Eddy: We...spent it already. SpongeBob: On what? Ed: Jawbreakers! SpongeBob: How do you spend $8 billion on jawbreakers? Ed: Very happily! Edd: I told you two this was a bad idea! This isn't like scamming kids in the Cul-de-Sec! When you steal money from rich people, they make sure you rot in prison for it! SpongeBob: Don't worry! As long as I'm your lawyer, you won't be rotting in any prison! (The next day, SpongeBob and the Eds are in a courtroom.) SpongeBob: I wonder who the prosecutor will be! (Bubble Bass walks through the doors with a suitcase twice the size of SpongeBob's.) SpongeBob: (gasps) Bubble Bass! Edd: You know him? SpongeBob: He's my arch nemesis! I didn't realize he became a lawyer, too...now I can't lose! (Bubble Bass calls Edd to the stand.) Bubble Bass: So, Edd...how do people differentiate between you and Ed? Edd: They...call me Double D. (Snickers are heard in the jury.) Bubble Bass: You realize Double D is what you call a big pair of tits, right? (Edd blushes and pulls his hat over his eyes.) Edd: It was either that or "D's Nuts". (The snickers turn to laugher, and Judge Leghorn angrily bangs his gavel.) Judge Leghorn: Order! I say, order in my court! (Bubble Bass calls Eddy to the stand next.) Bubble Bass: So, give the name of one company, just one company being traded on the Edxchange. (Eddy covertly opens a dictionary and looks through the first few pages.) Eddy: Amazon! Bubble Bass: That company is already on a major exchange. Try again. (Eddy flips to the next page.) Eddy: Apple! Bubble Bass: You do realize you're under oath? (Eddy starts sweating and going through pages until he's in the middle of the dictionary.) Eddy: Nvidia! There can't be a major company with that name! Bubble Bass: No further questions, your honor. (Eddy returns to SpongeBob and the others.) Eddy: It all comes down to you, Ed. Make us proud. (Bubble Bass calls Ed to the stand next.) Bubble Bass: Ed, did you and your friends steal billions of dollars from investors? Ed: Yes! (Edd and Eddy bury their faces in their hands.) Ed: Oh, was I supposed to lie? I'm new to this! Bubble Bass: No, you're doing great! Ed: Thanks! You too! You're a lot better than the yellow guy! Bubble Bass: (chuckles) I know. (As Ed returns to SpongeBob, he's chewing through his fingernails.) SpongeBob: It's fine! It's fine! We're bringing the rest of the kids from the Cul-de-Sac, and they all have nothing but nice things to say about you all, right? Edd: Uh... (Bubble Bass calls Kevin to the stand.) Bubble Bass: Are Ed, Eddy, and Double D what you would call "honest"? Kevin: Fuck no! (Jimmy is on the stand now.) Bubble Bass: Have the Eds ever scammed you? Jimmy: They scam me every other week. (SpongeBob, who has already chewed off his fingernails, is chewing through his toenails now.) Ed: I was wrong! I like you better than the green lawyer now! (Sarah is on the stand now.) Bubble Bass: Do you think Ed, Eddy, and Double D deserve to be in prison? Sarah: Only Ed and Eddy! These scams are always Eddy's idea, and I want Ed's room! Bubble Bass: What about Double D? Sarah: He's so sweet! He wouldn't do something like this if those two idiots didn't make him! Bubble Bass: But he still did it, right? Sarah: Well...yeah, but Bubble Bass: No further questions, your honor. (Rolf is on the stand now.) Rolf: In my country, what the Ed boys have done would have each of them hung and fed to pigs! Bubble Bass: What country, exactly, is that? SpongeBob: Objection! Nobody's allowed to know that! Judge Leghorn: Sustained. Make sure you ain't breaking no rules, Mr. Bass. Bubble Bass: Of course, your honor. No further questions. Judge Leghorn: (bangs gavel) Court will now be dismissed for a recess. SpongeBob: Ooh, I love recess! It's my favorite part of boating school! (SpongeBob and the Eds are sitting on the swings in the playground outside the courthouse.) SpongeBob: That could have gone better...but it could have gone worse, too! Edd: How could it have gone any worse? SpongeBob: Positive thinking, Double D! (laughs) Sorry, I still can't take that name seriously! (A boy in a hoodie, his face obscured, taps SpongeBob on the shoulder, causing him to fall off his swing.) SpongeBob: Are you the Grim Reaper? Please! I'm not ready to die yet! Take the kids! Their lives are already over, anyway! Eddy: Hey! Hoodie boy: I'm not the Grim Reaper. You can call me...Jonny. Edd: Jonny? From the Cul-de-Sac? Jonny: Shh! I don't want to testify! I have really bad stage fright. But...I know someone who does want to testify, and you might like what he has to say. SpongeBob: Great! Jonny: First, I want the Eds to promise me every single jawbreaker they got, and I want it in writing, as a signed contract with the penalty of life imprisonment if they break it. You're a lawyer. You can make it happen. SpongeBob: I...guess so. Ed: No! Not the jawbreakers! Eddy: How about half of our jawbreakers? Jonny: I want all of them...or no deal. Eddy: (sighs) Fine. All of them. (SpongeBob prepares the contract, and the Eds sign it.) Jonny: It's been nice doing business with you. (Jonny leaves, and the Eds turn to SpongeBob.) Eddy: I hope this works! (When recess ends, everybody returns to the courtroom.) Judge Leghorn: Y'all can now, I say, y'all can now give your closing remarks. SpongeBob: Before that, I would like to call a surprise witness to the stand. Bubble Bass: Huh? (SpongeBob walks to the stand, which has something covered by a blanket. SpongeBob pulls off the blanket to reveal Plank under it.) SpongeBob: We've heard plenty about the bad things the defendants have done, but now it's time for us to hear about the good things they've done. Plank, how have Ed, Eddy, and Double D impacted the world in a positive way? Plank: (As Plank gives his testimony, the faces of the jurors change, and some of them are moved to tears.) SpongeBob: Thank you, Plank. Bubble Bass: Let me at him! Let me at him! (As Bubble Bass runs to cross-examine Plank, he trips and falls, knocking himself out.) Judge Leghorn: (bangs gavel) Order in the court! Since it looks like the prosecution is resting already, y'all can begin your deliberations, jurors. (The jurors go into another room and spend hours discussing the evidence. By the time Bubble Bass regains consciousness, the jurors are ready to give their verdict.) Juror: We find the defendants...not guilty. Bubble Bass: What? SpongeBob: I...won? Ed: (crying) We lost our jawbreakers! (Stu Pickles, who is watching the results of the trial live on television with his wife Didi, has his mouth open in shock.) Stu: This...this can't be! That case was unwinnable! Didi: Maybe that SpongeBob fellow is a better lawyer than you give him credit for. Stu: No...those Ed kids may have gotten away with their fraud, but SpongeBob isn't getting away with his! (Stu gets up and storms into the bedroom.) Didi: (shakes head) I liked him better as a toymaker. (The End)

I'll be Eagan again.

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

Now that I've finished the movie, here are some notes I've taken: I did not expect to enjoy this even more than SOOW going into it, but it's easily my favorite SB movie since the first one. I still have no intention of watching the Sandy movie, but I'm glad we got one more banger out of the Nickelodeon-Netflix partnership.

Before we had Discord, we had Xat, an online chatroom that mostly died with Flash. What if it didn’t die, though? What if SBC members remained loyal to Xat even as the rest of the internet transitioned to Discord for their chatting needs? Episode 21: What If... Xat Was Still Alive? JJS: I'm gonna kick your ass. JCM: How long has Xat had Hank Hill? I want Hank Hill. Fred: Why have Hank Hill when you can have Peter Griffin? JCM: Is that a real question? (ding dong) WookiePlums has been made a member. WookiePlums: Hello. JCM: Ah, a fellow Looney Tunes enjoyer. Fred: They can't all be winners! JJS: Poor Speedy can't catch a break. PatrickStarFan: How do I change my pfp? JCM: You have to go to some page and pick a number. It's super annoying. PatrickStarFan: Why not just use something like Discord, then? Fred: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Clappy: Late, but "Looney Tunes enjoyer"? Weren't you just talking about how much you wanted to be Hank Hill, JCM? JCM: Sometimes I'll look at other girls, but I'll never betray my one true love Daffy. Clappy: Like you never betrayed your "one true love", the Panthers? JCM: I've never rooted for an NFL team other than the Panthers, and anybody who claims otherwise is lying. Wumbo: I want whatever he's smoking. JCM: We have animated avatars now, too? Is there some secret page I don't know about? JJS: I guess we'll never know. PatrickStarFan: I'll help you escape from Looney Tunes purgatory if you help me, JCM. JCM: Bet. Prez: Hope JCM and new guy don't find this Remy. I'm so proud of it. JJS: Doodle in ten minutes. PatrickStarFan has been banned. JCM: He messaged me telling me to trade him xats for info on where to find the avatars. What a disappointment. Wumbo: I guess you'll be stuck with Daffy forever. JCM: Or at least until we make the switch to Discord. Clappy: So forever, then. Prez: This is not a drill! 91X is playing Boys Who Cry! This is not a drill! JJS: welp, back to the old grind clocks out

I'll be Macrinus from Gladiator II.

I'll be Hermey

Blood Moon “Are they ready, Tim?” I had just finished pulling the chains out of the closet as Caleb pulled the blinds down over our window. The blinds wouldn’t stop the transformation from happening, but they would make the thing he transformed into much weaker. “They’re ready,” I said. “Good.” Caleb and I lived in an apartment in Loris, South Carolina, a small town not far from Myrtle Beach. While we had no trouble finding work on the beach during the summer, it would inevitably lead to us getting laid off and living off unemployment checks until spring came ‘round again. I peeked through the blinds, finding a sky that was orange as a pumpkin and only a sliver of the sun that that lit up the sky hours before. An hour from now, the sky would be black, dotted by stars, with a prominent place taken by that glowing white orb more dangerous than most of the billions of people who would soon be under it could imagine. I locked one end of the chains to the foot of our bed, and then I wrapped the chains around Caleb. “Tighter,” he said. “If I go any tighter, you won’t be able to breathe,” I replied. “I won’t be able to breathe if you put a bullet in my head, either.” I shuddered. I knew what I had to do if Caleb got out of the chains, but I didn’t like how nonchalant he was about it. I began to worry more and more that he wanted to get out of the chains so that I would finally put him out of his misery...out of our misery. Caleb and I had been best friends for as long as I can remember. I didn’t know when our friendship started, but I knew why it started. We were the only kids in our elementary, middle, and high school classes who had single mothers. My dad left my mom for a younger woman he met on the beach shortly before I was born, and Caleb’s dad left his mom shortly after he was born, but I didn’t know why for the longest time, though there plenty of rumors, whispered by gossiping old ladies on every corner. I would eventually learn that Caleb’s father left due to his condition, a condition I didn’t know about until we were both accepted to Coastal Carolina in Conway. Caleb’s mother got us together that night, with a beautiful crescent moon in the sky, overlooking a pair of excited 17-year-olds who didn’t realize just how challenging the next ten years would be for them. Caleb started to twitch. “You should probably get out now. I feel it starting.” I walked out of our bedroom, passing a calendar with today’s date circled. I closed the door behind me but didn’t bother locking it because, if Caleb got out of the chains, a lock wouldn’t do much good against him. I sat on a couch and reached between the cushions. There was a handgun full of silver bullets. I didn’t want to use it but kept it near me just in case. The howling began just minutes later. I heard the chains being rattled and felt my hands shaking. The condition Caleb had was lycanthropy, a condition that causes people to turn into werewolves. It was something he had inherited from his grandmother and one she had inherited from her grandparents, and so on and so forth, this horrible, secret disease being passed down through generations starting from the Native Americans who first inhabited these lands. Those with lycanthropy used to live together in their own tribes, as a werewolf never kills one of their own, but when the Europeans settled here and discovered them, they killed as many as they could find, believing lycanthropy to be a curse from the devil. What used to be a thriving population was quickly whittled down, and many of those who managed to escape the original massacre were discovered and executed along with any “suspected werewolves” found during the years of the Salem witch trials. Today, there may be a hundred werewolves out there, there may be ten, there might not be any outside of Caleb. The instinct to form packs has been so severely punished throughout history that Caleb was told by his mother, and his mother’s mother, the only other person he knew with his condition, that he could not seek others like him out no matter how much he wanted to. I think he listened to them, too, until his grandmother died last year. Since then, I’ve seen him on all types of internet forums, Reddit threads, and Discord servers specializing in the paranormal. I’m almost certain I’ve seen him on the dark web once, too. I asked him just a week ago why he was so obsessed with finding other werewolves. “I don’t want to be alone in this world,” he said. “You aren’t alone,” I responded. “You have me.” “It’s not the same. It’s just...it’s not.” I didn’t want to tell him I was feeling hurt by this, because I knew he was feeling things I could never relate to, things possibly nobody else living could relate to, including his own mother. She had called me just a few days ago to tell me that Caleb was ignoring her calls, that she was worried about him, and that even though she didn’t have Caleb’s werewolf instincts, her motherly instincts told her plenty. I told her I would look after him, and I was looking after him, but I was worried, too. Not much happened in Loris, but we did have one big event that got everyone in town excited: the annual Loris Bog-Off, a festival with rides, snacks, a zoo, and of course, all the chicken bog we could eat. I went with my mom every year before starting college, but Caleb was never there, as he tried to avoid big crowds whenever possible. Last week, however, Caleb told me he wanted to go to this year’s Bog-Off, and that’s what we did that weekend. Caleb seemed like a child again, laughing and screaming on every ride, petting every pig and goat he could, and scarfing down lots and lots of chicken bog. Even outside of his first Bog-Off experience, Caleb had been eating more and more, putting on at least ten pounds since the last full moon, and he was husky before then. I worried that this extra weight would make it easier for him to break the chains, but I didn’t voice that worry. I didn’t want Caleb to feel like I was trying to control his life, especially with him still mourning his grandmother. He was the happiest I had seen him in a long time at the Bog-Off, and the last thing I wanted to do was interfere with that. The howling grew louder. Caleb thrashed more and more, but the chains held. After an hour of listening to Caleb in his wolf form, I assumed he was tired now and I could finally rela- SNAP I heard a chain break, and my eyes widened. THUD I heard the chains clatter as they fell to the ground, and my heart started to race. I felt the gun between the couch cushions as Caleb slammed into the door from the other side. He crashed into it once...twice... I quickly pulled the gun out as the door flew off its hinges and the large creature that used to be my best friend sprinted towards me. I pulled the trigger without thinking, and the creature paused for a moment before turning and leaping out the window, ripping the blinds and giving me a perfect view of the full moon that turned Caleb into that monster. I ran to the window and saw the creature lying on the ground in front of our apartment building before slowly getting up and trotting off. I slid the gun into my pocket and noticed a bullet hole in the wall of our bedroom. I didn’t come close to hitting the creature. I rushed out of our apartment building, but the creature was nowhere to be found. I then heard a familiar howl from downtown, and I covered my mouth, realizing the creature was now in the densest part of the city on a Friday night. There would be dozens of people gathered in every bar and restaurant downtown, unaware of the wild predator locked onto their scents. I didn’t know why it had to be tonight, out of all the nights I restrained Caleb, I didn’t know why tonight had to be the night he broke free of them. Had it been a sleepy winter night, a Monday or Tuesday night, the carnage would have been limited. Caleb forgetting how to open doors in his wolf form meant most people, likely in their homes, would have enough warning to pull out their own guns, and while a non-silver bullet won’t kill this creature, it would have certainly slowed it down. Caleb usually spent his summers with his grandmother in a more remote part of South Carolina, a part cars rarely, if ever, drove through. The privacy meant his grandmother could transform in peace, and when Caleb visited, it was the only time he could feel safe under full moons without needing to be chained down. Since his grandmother was like him, his wolf form wouldn’t attack her. He always looked forward to his time with his grandmother, and once he had to start working summers with me, he would leave for his grandmother’s place before Thanksgiving, and I wouldn’t see Caleb again until March, right before we had to start working again. Where his grandmother lived, there was no cell service, and she never came here to visit, so I never actually spoke to her. I only knew what she looked like from Caleb’s photos, and the first time I saw her in person was last year, dolled up in her casket at the funeral. I doubt she would have wanted to speak to me, though, as I heard multiple times from her daughter that she felt I was holding Caleb back from Caleb’s “singular duty”, getting married, having kids, ensuring that this special power they had would continue to exist. Caleb never indicated any interest in marriage to me, though, and while he had been on plenty of dates, I don’t think he wanted to tell another person about his condition, something he didn’t feel nearly as much pride about as his grandmother did. “This isn’t some superpower, it’s a curse,” I heard Caleb say one morning after cleaning up the hair he shed and putting on new clothes to replace the ones his stronger, more muscular form ripped. “It’s a curse,” he continued. “I didn’t ask to be born with this, and I wish I hadn’t been. I wish...” Caleb paused, knowing that what he was about to say would have gotten him smacked by his grandmother. “I wish nobody would have to be born with this again.” I ran into the first bar I saw, and it was red everywhere. On the walls, on the ceiling, on the floor. People lying everywhere with fresh bite marks and claw marks. They were still as lamp posts, fear frozen onto many of their faces. I was too late. I ran into another bar and found a grisly scene just as bad as the last one. The creature wasn’t there. I ran into a restaurant beside it. Everyone there was dead, too, but this time, it included children. I knew I had to be quick, stop this creature before it murdered anybody else, but I couldn’t help myself. I fell to my knees and cried, wailing like that creature in the night. These people weren’t just murdered by what Caleb transformed into. They were murdered by me, because I couldn’t bring myself to do the one thing Caleb and his family trusted me to do if he shed his chains before shedding his fur. I wanted to believe I had simply missed, I wanted to convince myself that I was just scared and my shot was off, but those were just excuses. I had to kill him, and because I didn’t, he was going to kill as many people as he could find. I had to get up. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself. I went to more buildings, found more shattered windows, more still, terrified bodies. The creature seemed to know anatomy as well as a doctor, knowing exactly where to scratch or bite to kill these people instantly, or have them bleed out so fast they had no chance of being saved. The first time I heard screams, they were in the distance. I immediately ran out of the bar I was in, and I saw the creature zip out of one a few blocks away from me. I followed it into a restaurant with my gun drawn, saw it about to lunge at a kid, and fired my gun again. This time, I didn’t miss. The people in the restaurant looked at the creature, looked at me, and then began clapping. I ignored them as I walked to the creature, nodded at the kid, a justifiably scared little girl, as well as her parents, who were in front of her and in shock. I picked the creature up and noticed it was already beginning to shed fur. I had to get back to the apartment fast. By the time I dropped the creature on our couch, it was already looking like Caleb again. I pulled the silver bullet out of his back and then felt his pulse. As I expected and as I feared, there was no movement. I grabbed a knife from the kitchen and slashed his throat, being careful to make it look like it was done by a wolf. I then went to bed, making sure not to think about Caleb’s mother or the families of all of the people I couldn’t save, thoughts that would have simply kept me up all night. I eventually did go to sleep, the full moon shining as brightly as ever above me.