JCM

Habeas corpus Our absorbent attorney SpongeBob SquarePants, Attorney at Law Episode 2: Dexter's Meth Lab (Dexter crawls into his house, the sounds of sirens behind him and a bloodstain on his white lab coat gradually getting larger.) Dexter: Must...get...to...laboratory. (Dexter enters him room and struggles to his feet, sifting through books in his bookcase until he finds the right one and pulls it, revealing the entrance to his laboratory behind the bookcase. Once he's in his lab, he sees a large red button in the distance.) Dexter: I know what that button does! (Dexter uses the last of his strength to get to the button, but just as he's about to press it, he collapses. Moments later, SWAT agents fall into the lab and surround him as Baby Blue by Badfinger plays. When Dexter finally wakes up, he's in a hospital bed.) Dexter: I'm...alive? (At the law firm of Finster, Finster & Pickles, Chas Finster, Kira Watanabe-Finster, and Stu Pickles are reading about their newest case.) Kira: I'm fucking sick of these boy geniuses! Remember when we had to defend Jimmy Neutron for selling all those weapons to Saudi Arabia? I want nothing to do with this one! Chas: Yeah, it does look like a tough one. Stu: I know! Why don't we assign SpongeBob to it? Kira: Are you crazy? Chas: He did good on the Eds case, but this is a different animal entirely! Stu: C'mon, we need to show that we trust him so he doesn't leave for the first big firm that offers him! Chas: This could destroy our business...or it could help us reach heights we've never dreamed of. Kira: I'll let you boys discuss this. Just keep me as far away from it as possible. (Later that day, SpongeBob enters the local police station.) SpongeBob: I'd like to talk to my newest client, Dexter! Receptionist: Do you have your credentials? SpongeBob: Right here, ma'am! (SpongeBob hands something to the receptionist.) Receptionist: This is a coupon for a free Triple Gooberberry Sunrise at Goofer Goober's...that expired three years ago. SpongeBob: Is that...not what you wanted? Receptionist: I don't get paid enough for this. (The receptionist's phone rings, and she picks it up.) Receptionist: Uh huh. Uh huh. (hangs up) Okay, your client's currently in the interrogation room. It's right around the corner. SpongeBob: Thanks! (SpongeBob leaves, and the receptionist shakes her head.) Receptionist: Wouldn't want him to be my lawyer. (SpongeBob walks into the interrogation room, where Dexter and Detective Arnold are waiting for him.) Arnold: You're the attorney, right? Hey, there. I'm Arnold. SpongeBob: Ooh, like the robot from the movies? (changes voice) Come with me if you want to live! Dexter: That's the worst accent I've ever heard! Arnold: Where's your accent from, by the way? Dexter: What accent? Arnold: Are you from Germany? Russia? SpongeBob: You can answer that. Dexter: I...I'm from here. Right down the street. Arnold: (writes in notebook) Interesting. So, what should I call you? Dexter: Dexter. Arnold: Do you have a last name? SpongeBob: Don't answer that. Arnold: Fine, let's shift gears. Do you recognize this? (Arnold throws a bag of a blue substance onto the table between him and the others.) SpongeBob: Ooh, what is that? It looks tasty! Arnold: That, my friend, is Blue Heaven, the purest meth ever to hit the streets. Not only did we find this in your laboratory, but we found equipment that we can already confirm was used to manufacture this. (Arnold throws pictures taken in Dexter's laboratory on the table.) SpongeBob: Can you prove that this laboratory or any of the stuff in there belonged to my client? Arnold: The DNA results are still pending, but I'm sure we will. Dexter: (crosses arms) I don't know about any of that. Arnold: The meth and the equipment aren't the only things we found in your lab. We also found the bodies of several unidentified men... (Arnold throws pictures of multiple dead bodies on the table.) Arnold: ...and the body of a girl we've already identified as your sister, Dee Dee. Dexter: (starts to cry) I told her to stay out of my fucking laboratory. SpongeBob: (laughs nervously) My client has no idea what he's talking about! He's uh...he's high! On that Blue Heaven you were talking about! So nothing he just said can be put on the record! (Arnold finishes writing in his notebook.) Arnold: All of this is going on the record. That's enough for today. Nice meeting the two of you. (Arnold leaves the room.) SpongeBob: I think that went well! (Later, SpongeBob and Dexter are in the courtroom.) SpongeBob: I wonder who the prosecutor for this case will be! Dexter: Do you always wonder aloud like that? (Jack, a samurai-turned-lawyer, walks in wearing a suit and holding a large briefcase.) Dexter: We're doomed! Jack is the best attorney out there! He's never lost a case! SpongeBob: Well, he's never gone up against me! Dexter: Haven't you only gone up against one other lawyer? SpongeBob: (looks both ways) Maybe. Judge Leghorn: The court, I say, the court is now in session! Jack: Thanks, your honor. Today, we're going to learn about a boy, a boy who seems to be an ordinary boy but is actually a ruthless drug kingpin. Working out of a laboratory in his parents' basement, he's cooked up something that has ruined lives, destabilized families, and led hundreds, if not thousands, to untimely deaths. You'll understand in short order why Dexter can never be a free man again. SpongeBob: Oh, is it my turn? (clears throat) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Dexter is innocent of all charges. This other lawyer, while he talks real good, isn't talking much truth. I'm calling him a liar, a big, fat liar. And a meanie, too! Jack: I am not a meanie! SpongeBob: Are too! Judge Leghorn: (bangs gavel) Enough with that there name calling! Let's get this thing started! Jack: I would like to call my first witness to the stand...Dad. (Dad comes onto the stand.) Jack: Now, Dad, what's your son's name? Dad: Timmy Turner. Jack: Goddamn it! We got the wrong Dad! (Five minutes later) Jack: Now, Dad, what's your son's name? Dad: Dexter. Jack: (sighs with relief) So, are you aware of what your son was allegedly doing in your basement? Dad: Yes, I'm aware, and I think your allegations are insane! Don't you think I would know if my kid were running a meth lab right under me? Jack: Dad...are you afraid of Dexter? Dad: (laughs) Why would I be afraid of him? Jack: Do you happen to recall this? (Jack plays the below video on a large screen mounted to the courtroom's wall.) Dad: (sweating) I...uh...I tried to punish Dexter for being out late one night, and he didn't like that very much...but he did eventually feed me! (Dad turns to Dexter with a friendly smile, who then responds with a disapproving shake of his head.) Jack: No further questions, your honor. (Jack calls Mom to the stand next.) Jack: Mom, what's your son's name? Mom: Dexter. Jack: Thank God. Now, Mom, did you have any suspicions at all about your son's alleged secret life? Mom: No, none at all. He's in his room a lot, but I just assumed he was doing what every other boy does. You know, reading comics books, playing video games, certainly not what he's being accused of. Jack: You've never noticed any changes to his behavior? Mom: He's a growing boy. Not too far from puberty. Of course there have been some changes, but nothing that would lead me to believe he would hurt anyone. Jack: Why are you wearing those rubber gloves? Mom: A few years ago, I started smelling something strange in the house, and no matter how much I scrubbed, the smell would never go away. So, I wear these all the time now, just as a precaution. Jack: Is it possible that the smell had come from the production of methamphetamine in your basement? (Mom's eyes widen as she thinks about what Jack said.) Jack: Remember that you swore on a Bible (pulls out a Bible) to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Mom: I guess...anything is possible. (Dexter sighs in despair.) SpongeBob: Your own mom. That's rough. Dexter: Let me testify. SpongeBob: You sure? Dexter: (nods) It seems that nobody can save me but myself at this point. (Jack paces back and forth with Dexter on the stand.) Jack: Why did you choose to testify? Dexter: So that I can clear my name. Jack: Do you really expect one person in this jury to think you're innocent at this point? Dexter: I expect all of them to do, because I am. Jack: Do you think we're a bunch of morons? SpongeBob: Objection! Now he's name calling! Judge Leghorn: Sustained. Don't you be suggesting I'm a moron, now. Jack: Let me rephrase. As somebody who has never struggled in school, who has an IQ on par with some of the smartest people in the world, do you believe that you deserve things people who aren't morons but also aren't geniuses like you don't? Dexter: No. I've never felt my intellect made me better than anyone. All I've ever wanted to be is normal. Jack: Final question: what happened to your sister? Dexter: (pauses) I plead the fifth. Jack: Are you saying that you would like to exercise your Fifth Amendment right not to implicate yourself? Dexter: (looks down) Yes. (Murmurs are heard throughout the jury.) Jack: No further questions. Judge Leghorn: Court will now adjourn for a recess. SpongeBob: Yay! (Dexter walks back to SpongeBob sadly.) SpongeBob: Want to hit the seesaw? Dexter: No, I don't want to hit the seesaw! I'm about to go to prison for the rest of my life! SpongeBob: (bats eyelashes) Please? Dexter: (groans) Fine. (As Dexter and SpongeBob go up and down on the seesaw, Dexter thinks.) Dexter: SpongeBob, do you think you can relay a message to an associate of mine? SpongeBob: Sure! Who is it? Dexter: His name's Aku. I think he would love an opportunity to give Jack his first loss, and I know exactly how we can make it happen. SpongeBob: And how do I find this Aku? Dexter: Well, he's a demon, so you have to summon him. I'll tell you the words to say, but make sure you say them exactly how I do. If you say them wrong, you'll summon the Red Guy instead, and that guy's annoying as shit. SpongeBob: You can count on me! (After the recess ends, SpongeBob and Jack give their closing remarks.) Jack: ...and that is why you must convict our defendant and keep him and his Blue Heaven off our streets. SpongeBob: Friends, jurors, countrymen, lend me your ears. My client is guilty of nothing other than being smart and loving science in a world that hates smart people and rejects science. But despite this, he never lost faith in this world. He never wanted anything other than to make it better, which is why he built a laboratory, not a laboratory to cook meth in, but to cook up the coolest inventions I've ever seen! (SpongeBob pulls out a fidget spinner.) SpongeBob: Like this! Jack says Dexter is a monster, but what kind of monster would create something this incredible? If you send Dexter to prison, we won't be losing any drugs, but we will be losing this brilliant, amazing boy and all of the brilliant, amazing things floating around in his head. The decision lies with you, jury. Make the right one. Judge Leghorn: Begin, I say, begin your deliberations. (The jurors go into another room and spend less than an hour in it before returning. SpongeBob shakes and Jack stands confidently as they prepare to give their verdict.) Juror: The jurors find Dexter...not guilty! SpongeBob: I did it! I won again! My speech worked! Dexter: (whispers) I think Aku threatening all of the jurors' families had a bigger effect. SpongeBob: No, it was definitely my speech! (SpongeBob and Dexter leave the courthouse together as Jack remains inside, speechless.) SpongeBob: So, now that this all over, mind telling me what happened to your sister? Dexter: (sighs) My biggest rival in this business, Mandark, found out where my lab was, and he sent henchmen there to ambush me. Unfortunately, I wasn't the first person to encounter them. Dee Dee was, and by the time I caught up with them...it was too late. SpongeBob: Gee, I'm sorry. Dexter: I killed the henchmen, and I left immediately to do the same to Mandark. (feels patched-up wound) He got me good, but I did him one better, and right as I was about to put the final bullet in him, he revealed that he alerted the authorities to the location of my lab...the fucking rat. SpongeBob: That's how they found you there. Dexter: Yeah. (SpongeBob and Dexter keep walking until they're at the door to Dexter's house.) SpongeBob: You think I did a good job? Dexter: No. SpongeBob: Why? Dexter: I gave you one job: to not fuck up the summon... (Dexter opens his door to reveal the Red Guy inside his house.) Red Guy: What's up, bitches? Dexter: And now I have to look at his bare ass for the rest of the day. SpongeBob: I got it right the second time, though! Dexter: (sighs) Yeah, I guess. If you ever need anything from me, call me, beep me, you know how it goes. (Dexter slams the door in SpongeBob's face.) SpongeBob: Another job well done! (The End)

25 years ago today, Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law premiered on Cartoon Network. This spin-off is my tribute to it. Premise: SpongeBob leverages his success as a lawyer in Krabs vs. Plankton into a full blown legal career, where he defends the stars of popular cartoons from the 90s and early 2000s from the consequences of crimes they may or may not have committed. Habeas corpus Our absorbent attorney SpongeBob SquarePants, Attorney at Law Episode 1: Ed, Edd, n Eddy (Alleg-Ed-ly) Commit Financial Fraud (SpongeBob and Gary are in front of SpongeBob’s pineapple, which now has a For Sale sign in front of it. Patrick joins them, tears in his eyes.) Patrick: I guess this is it, buddy. You be the greatest lawyer who ever lawyered! SpongeBob: You know I will, pal! And I’ll call you every day! And we’ll go jellyfishing every weekend! (SpongeBob and Patrick hug as Squidward approach them.) Squidward: So, it’s true? You’re really leaving the neighborhood? (SpongeBob nods sadly.) SpongeBob: I got a job at a law firm in Toon City. This means I can’t work with you at the Krusty Krab anymore, either, Squidward. Squidward: Keep going, I’m almost there! (SpongeBob and Patrick stop hugging, and SpongeBob picks up a suitcase.) SpongeBob: Wait, Squidward, you never gave me your number! Squidward: I must have misplaced it. Ask me again in five years. I’m sure I’ll have found it then. (SpongeBob sees a bus coming towards them.) SpongeBob: That’s my ride. Goodbye, Patrick, Goodbye, Squidward. Goodbye, Bikini Bottom. (Patrick cries and Squidward dances as SpongeBob and Gary get on the bus. Several hours later, the bus stops in front of a pineapple-shaped apartment in Toon City.) SpongeBob: Here we are, Gary! (SpongeBob carries Gary and his suitcase off the bus and enter the apartment with them, where he finds Tito from Rocket Power sweeping the floor.) Tito: Ah, you must be our newest tenant. Welcome! Did you bring your first month's rent? (SpongeBob takes a bundle of money out of his pocket and gives it to Tito, who then takes a deep whiff of it.) Tito: Ah, it smells like a Hawaiian spring. Enjoy your new place! If you see a rat, don’t pet it. They bite like motherfuckers. (Tito leaves the apartment, and SpongeBob, seeing that it’s already late, goes straight to bed. The next morning, Stu Pickles, one of the partners at Finster, Finster & Pickles, walks into Chas Finster’s office.) Stu: Chas, I wanted to talk to you again about our new lawyer. Chas: What about him? Stu: Well, he doesn’t have a degree. He doesn’t have any experience outside of one court case he was only a part of because the actual lawyer his boss hired had a freak accident. Why are we bringing him on? Chas: Stu, what were you doing before Kira and I made you a partner at our law firm? Stu: I was, uh, I was making toys in our basement. Chas: And this SpongeBob fellow was making minimum wage as a fry cook, and unlike you, he’s already won a case! Stu: This isn’t...this isn’t about me! The firm’s enough of a laughingstock already. We need attorneys with degrees from good schools, extensive courtroom experience, and non-angular pants! Chas: We can't afford those kinds of attorneys. We'll have to make it work with SpongeBob. Now, what do you suggest for his first case? Stu: How about the Edxchange case? Chas: The Edxchange case? You sure? Stu: (smiles) I've never been more sure. (SpongeBob is in his new office with Ed, Edd, and Eddy.) SpongeBob: So, how exactly do you pronounce Edxchange? Eds-change or Ed-exchange? Ed: Yes! SpongeBob: And what exactly is this...whatever you call it? Eddy: It's a stock exchange that lets you buys shares of companies you can't buy shares of in the other stock exchanges, companies that will be household names someday! SpongeBob: And what are the names of those companies? Eddy: It's a secret! Edd: (sigh) There are no companies. It's a scam, a scam that got some very wealthy people very angry, which is why we're sitting here today. (SpongeBob opens a binder.) SpongeBob: Yes, it says here that you're accused of stealing...wow! $8 billion! Why not just give it back? Eddy: We...spent it already. SpongeBob: On what? Ed: Jawbreakers! SpongeBob: How do you spend $8 billion on jawbreakers? Ed: Very happily! Edd: I told you two this was a bad idea! This isn't like scamming kids in the Cul-de-Sec! When you steal money from rich people, they make sure you rot in prison for it! SpongeBob: Don't worry! As long as I'm your lawyer, you won't be rotting in any prison! (The next day, SpongeBob and the Eds are in a courtroom.) SpongeBob: I wonder who the prosecutor will be! (Bubble Bass walks through the doors with a suitcase twice the size of SpongeBob's.) SpongeBob: (gasps) Bubble Bass! Edd: You know him? SpongeBob: He's my arch nemesis! I didn't realize he became a lawyer, too...now I can't lose! (Bubble Bass calls Edd to the stand.) Bubble Bass: So, Edd...how do people differentiate between you and Ed? Edd: They...call me Double D. (Snickers are heard in the jury.) Bubble Bass: You realize Double D is what you call a big pair of tits, right? (Edd blushes and pulls his hat over his eyes.) Edd: It was either that or "D's Nuts". (The snickers turn to laugher, and Judge Leghorn angrily bangs his gavel.) Judge Leghorn: Order! I say, order in my court! (Bubble Bass calls Eddy to the stand next.) Bubble Bass: So, give the name of one company, just one company being traded on the Edxchange. (Eddy covertly opens a dictionary and looks through the first few pages.) Eddy: Amazon! Bubble Bass: That company is already on a major exchange. Try again. (Eddy flips to the next page.) Eddy: Apple! Bubble Bass: You do realize you're under oath? (Eddy starts sweating and going through pages until he's in the middle of the dictionary.) Eddy: Nvidia! There can't be a major company with that name! Bubble Bass: No further questions, your honor. (Eddy returns to SpongeBob and the others.) Eddy: It all comes down to you, Ed. Make us proud. (Bubble Bass calls Ed to the stand next.) Bubble Bass: Ed, did you and your friends steal billions of dollars from investors? Ed: Yes! (Edd and Eddy bury their faces in their hands.) Ed: Oh, was I supposed to lie? I'm new to this! Bubble Bass: No, you're doing great! Ed: Thanks! You too! You're a lot better than the yellow guy! Bubble Bass: (chuckles) I know. (As Ed returns to SpongeBob, he's chewing through his fingernails.) SpongeBob: It's fine! It's fine! We're bringing the rest of the kids from the Cul-de-Sac, and they all have nothing but nice things to say about you all, right? Edd: Uh... (Bubble Bass calls Kevin to the stand.) Bubble Bass: Are Ed, Eddy, and Double D what you would call "honest"? Kevin: Fuck no! (Jimmy is on the stand now.) Bubble Bass: Have the Eds ever scammed you? Jimmy: They scam me every other week. (SpongeBob, who has already chewed off his fingernails, is chewing through his toenails now.) Ed: I was wrong! I like you better than the green lawyer now! (Sarah is on the stand now.) Bubble Bass: Do you think Ed, Eddy, and Double D deserve to be in prison? Sarah: Only Ed and Eddy! These scams are always Eddy's idea, and I want Ed's room! Bubble Bass: What about Double D? Sarah: He's so sweet! He wouldn't do something like this if those two idiots didn't make him! Bubble Bass: But he still did it, right? Sarah: Well...yeah, but Bubble Bass: No further questions, your honor. (Rolf is on the stand now.) Rolf: In my country, what the Ed boys have done would have each of them hung and fed to pigs! Bubble Bass: What country, exactly, is that? SpongeBob: Objection! Nobody's allowed to know that! Judge Leghorn: Sustained. Make sure you ain't breaking no rules, Mr. Bass. Bubble Bass: Of course, your honor. No further questions. Judge Leghorn: (bangs gavel) Court will now be dismissed for a recess. SpongeBob: Ooh, I love recess! It's my favorite part of boating school! (SpongeBob and the Eds are sitting on the swings in the playground outside the courthouse.) SpongeBob: That could have gone better...but it could have gone worse, too! Edd: How could it have gone any worse? SpongeBob: Positive thinking, Double D! (laughs) Sorry, I still can't take that name seriously! (A boy in a hoodie, his face obscured, taps SpongeBob on the shoulder, causing him to fall off his swing.) SpongeBob: Are you the Grim Reaper? Please! I'm not ready to die yet! Take the kids! Their lives are already over, anyway! Eddy: Hey! Hoodie boy: I'm not the Grim Reaper. You can call me...Jonny. Edd: Jonny? From the Cul-de-Sac? Jonny: Shh! I don't want to testify! I have really bad stage fright. But...I know someone who does want to testify, and you might like what he has to say. SpongeBob: Great! Jonny: First, I want the Eds to promise me every single jawbreaker they got, and I want it in writing, as a signed contract with the penalty of life imprisonment if they break it. You're a lawyer. You can make it happen. SpongeBob: I...guess so. Ed: No! Not the jawbreakers! Eddy: How about half of our jawbreakers? Jonny: I want all of them...or no deal. Eddy: (sighs) Fine. All of them. (SpongeBob prepares the contract, and the Eds sign it.) Jonny: It's been nice doing business with you. (Jonny leaves, and the Eds turn to SpongeBob.) Eddy: I hope this works! (When recess ends, everybody returns to the courtroom.) Judge Leghorn: Y'all can now, I say, y'all can now give your closing remarks. SpongeBob: Before that, I would like to call a surprise witness to the stand. Bubble Bass: Huh? (SpongeBob walks to the stand, which has something covered by a blanket. SpongeBob pulls off the blanket to reveal Plank under it.) SpongeBob: We've heard plenty about the bad things the defendants have done, but now it's time for us to hear about the good things they've done. Plank, how have Ed, Eddy, and Double D impacted the world in a positive way? Plank: (As Plank gives his testimony, the faces of the jurors change, and some of them are moved to tears.) SpongeBob: Thank you, Plank. Bubble Bass: Let me at him! Let me at him! (As Bubble Bass runs to cross-examine Plank, he trips and falls, knocking himself out.) Judge Leghorn: (bangs gavel) Order in the court! Since it looks like the prosecution is resting already, y'all can begin your deliberations, jurors. (The jurors go into another room and spend hours discussing the evidence. By the time Bubble Bass regains consciousness, the jurors are ready to give their verdict.) Juror: We find the defendants...not guilty. Bubble Bass: What? SpongeBob: I...won? Ed: (crying) We lost our jawbreakers! (Stu Pickles, who is watching the results of the trial live on television with his wife Didi, has his mouth open in shock.) Stu: This...this can't be! That case was unwinnable! Didi: Maybe that SpongeBob fellow is a better lawyer than you give him credit for. Stu: No...those Ed kids may have gotten away with their fraud, but SpongeBob isn't getting away with his! (Stu gets up and storms into the bedroom.) Didi: (shakes head) I liked him better as a toymaker. (The End)

I'll be Eagan again.

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

Now that I've finished the movie, here are some notes I've taken: I did not expect to enjoy this even more than SOOW going into it, but it's easily my favorite SB movie since the first one. I still have no intention of watching the Sandy movie, but I'm glad we got one more banger out of the Nickelodeon-Netflix partnership.

Before we had Discord, we had Xat, an online chatroom that mostly died with Flash. What if it didn’t die, though? What if SBC members remained loyal to Xat even as the rest of the internet transitioned to Discord for their chatting needs? Episode 21: What If... Xat Was Still Alive? JJS: I'm gonna kick your ass. JCM: How long has Xat had Hank Hill? I want Hank Hill. Fred: Why have Hank Hill when you can have Peter Griffin? JCM: Is that a real question? (ding dong) WookiePlums has been made a member. WookiePlums: Hello. JCM: Ah, a fellow Looney Tunes enjoyer. Fred: They can't all be winners! JJS: Poor Speedy can't catch a break. PatrickStarFan: How do I change my pfp? JCM: You have to go to some page and pick a number. It's super annoying. PatrickStarFan: Why not just use something like Discord, then? Fred: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Clappy: Late, but "Looney Tunes enjoyer"? Weren't you just talking about how much you wanted to be Hank Hill, JCM? JCM: Sometimes I'll look at other girls, but I'll never betray my one true love Daffy. Clappy: Like you never betrayed your "one true love", the Panthers? JCM: I've never rooted for an NFL team other than the Panthers, and anybody who claims otherwise is lying. Wumbo: I want whatever he's smoking. JCM: We have animated avatars now, too? Is there some secret page I don't know about? JJS: I guess we'll never know. PatrickStarFan: I'll help you escape from Looney Tunes purgatory if you help me, JCM. JCM: Bet. Prez: Hope JCM and new guy don't find this Remy. I'm so proud of it. JJS: Doodle in ten minutes. PatrickStarFan has been banned. JCM: He messaged me telling me to trade him xats for info on where to find the avatars. What a disappointment. Wumbo: I guess you'll be stuck with Daffy forever. JCM: Or at least until we make the switch to Discord. Clappy: So forever, then. Prez: This is not a drill! 91X is playing Boys Who Cry! This is not a drill! JJS: welp, back to the old grind clocks out

I'll be Macrinus from Gladiator II.

I'll be Hermey

Blood Moon “Are they ready, Tim?” I had just finished pulling the chains out of the closet as Caleb pulled the blinds down over our window. The blinds wouldn’t stop the transformation from happening, but they would make the thing he transformed into much weaker. “They’re ready,” I said. “Good.” Caleb and I lived in an apartment in Loris, South Carolina, a small town not far from Myrtle Beach. While we had no trouble finding work on the beach during the summer, it would inevitably lead to us getting laid off and living off unemployment checks until spring came ‘round again. I peeked through the blinds, finding a sky that was orange as a pumpkin and only a sliver of the sun that that lit up the sky hours before. An hour from now, the sky would be black, dotted by stars, with a prominent place taken by that glowing white orb more dangerous than most of the billions of people who would soon be under it could imagine. I locked one end of the chains to the foot of our bed, and then I wrapped the chains around Caleb. “Tighter,” he said. “If I go any tighter, you won’t be able to breathe,” I replied. “I won’t be able to breathe if you put a bullet in my head, either.” I shuddered. I knew what I had to do if Caleb got out of the chains, but I didn’t like how nonchalant he was about it. I began to worry more and more that he wanted to get out of the chains so that I would finally put him out of his misery...out of our misery. Caleb and I had been best friends for as long as I can remember. I didn’t know when our friendship started, but I knew why it started. We were the only kids in our elementary, middle, and high school classes who had single mothers. My dad left my mom for a younger woman he met on the beach shortly before I was born, and Caleb’s dad left his mom shortly after he was born, but I didn’t know why for the longest time, though there plenty of rumors, whispered by gossiping old ladies on every corner. I would eventually learn that Caleb’s father left due to his condition, a condition I didn’t know about until we were both accepted to Coastal Carolina in Conway. Caleb’s mother got us together that night, with a beautiful crescent moon in the sky, overlooking a pair of excited 17-year-olds who didn’t realize just how challenging the next ten years would be for them. Caleb started to twitch. “You should probably get out now. I feel it starting.” I walked out of our bedroom, passing a calendar with today’s date circled. I closed the door behind me but didn’t bother locking it because, if Caleb got out of the chains, a lock wouldn’t do much good against him. I sat on a couch and reached between the cushions. There was a handgun full of silver bullets. I didn’t want to use it but kept it near me just in case. The howling began just minutes later. I heard the chains being rattled and felt my hands shaking. The condition Caleb had was lycanthropy, a condition that causes people to turn into werewolves. It was something he had inherited from his grandmother and one she had inherited from her grandparents, and so on and so forth, this horrible, secret disease being passed down through generations starting from the Native Americans who first inhabited these lands. Those with lycanthropy used to live together in their own tribes, as a werewolf never kills one of their own, but when the Europeans settled here and discovered them, they killed as many as they could find, believing lycanthropy to be a curse from the devil. What used to be a thriving population was quickly whittled down, and many of those who managed to escape the original massacre were discovered and executed along with any “suspected werewolves” found during the years of the Salem witch trials. Today, there may be a hundred werewolves out there, there may be ten, there might not be any outside of Caleb. The instinct to form packs has been so severely punished throughout history that Caleb was told by his mother, and his mother’s mother, the only other person he knew with his condition, that he could not seek others like him out no matter how much he wanted to. I think he listened to them, too, until his grandmother died last year. Since then, I’ve seen him on all types of internet forums, Reddit threads, and Discord servers specializing in the paranormal. I’m almost certain I’ve seen him on the dark web once, too. I asked him just a week ago why he was so obsessed with finding other werewolves. “I don’t want to be alone in this world,” he said. “You aren’t alone,” I responded. “You have me.” “It’s not the same. It’s just...it’s not.” I didn’t want to tell him I was feeling hurt by this, because I knew he was feeling things I could never relate to, things possibly nobody else living could relate to, including his own mother. She had called me just a few days ago to tell me that Caleb was ignoring her calls, that she was worried about him, and that even though she didn’t have Caleb’s werewolf instincts, her motherly instincts told her plenty. I told her I would look after him, and I was looking after him, but I was worried, too. Not much happened in Loris, but we did have one big event that got everyone in town excited: the annual Loris Bog-Off, a festival with rides, snacks, a zoo, and of course, all the chicken bog we could eat. I went with my mom every year before starting college, but Caleb was never there, as he tried to avoid big crowds whenever possible. Last week, however, Caleb told me he wanted to go to this year’s Bog-Off, and that’s what we did that weekend. Caleb seemed like a child again, laughing and screaming on every ride, petting every pig and goat he could, and scarfing down lots and lots of chicken bog. Even outside of his first Bog-Off experience, Caleb had been eating more and more, putting on at least ten pounds since the last full moon, and he was husky before then. I worried that this extra weight would make it easier for him to break the chains, but I didn’t voice that worry. I didn’t want Caleb to feel like I was trying to control his life, especially with him still mourning his grandmother. He was the happiest I had seen him in a long time at the Bog-Off, and the last thing I wanted to do was interfere with that. The howling grew louder. Caleb thrashed more and more, but the chains held. After an hour of listening to Caleb in his wolf form, I assumed he was tired now and I could finally rela- SNAP I heard a chain break, and my eyes widened. THUD I heard the chains clatter as they fell to the ground, and my heart started to race. I felt the gun between the couch cushions as Caleb slammed into the door from the other side. He crashed into it once...twice... I quickly pulled the gun out as the door flew off its hinges and the large creature that used to be my best friend sprinted towards me. I pulled the trigger without thinking, and the creature paused for a moment before turning and leaping out the window, ripping the blinds and giving me a perfect view of the full moon that turned Caleb into that monster. I ran to the window and saw the creature lying on the ground in front of our apartment building before slowly getting up and trotting off. I slid the gun into my pocket and noticed a bullet hole in the wall of our bedroom. I didn’t come close to hitting the creature. I rushed out of our apartment building, but the creature was nowhere to be found. I then heard a familiar howl from downtown, and I covered my mouth, realizing the creature was now in the densest part of the city on a Friday night. There would be dozens of people gathered in every bar and restaurant downtown, unaware of the wild predator locked onto their scents. I didn’t know why it had to be tonight, out of all the nights I restrained Caleb, I didn’t know why tonight had to be the night he broke free of them. Had it been a sleepy winter night, a Monday or Tuesday night, the carnage would have been limited. Caleb forgetting how to open doors in his wolf form meant most people, likely in their homes, would have enough warning to pull out their own guns, and while a non-silver bullet won’t kill this creature, it would have certainly slowed it down. Caleb usually spent his summers with his grandmother in a more remote part of South Carolina, a part cars rarely, if ever, drove through. The privacy meant his grandmother could transform in peace, and when Caleb visited, it was the only time he could feel safe under full moons without needing to be chained down. Since his grandmother was like him, his wolf form wouldn’t attack her. He always looked forward to his time with his grandmother, and once he had to start working summers with me, he would leave for his grandmother’s place before Thanksgiving, and I wouldn’t see Caleb again until March, right before we had to start working again. Where his grandmother lived, there was no cell service, and she never came here to visit, so I never actually spoke to her. I only knew what she looked like from Caleb’s photos, and the first time I saw her in person was last year, dolled up in her casket at the funeral. I doubt she would have wanted to speak to me, though, as I heard multiple times from her daughter that she felt I was holding Caleb back from Caleb’s “singular duty”, getting married, having kids, ensuring that this special power they had would continue to exist. Caleb never indicated any interest in marriage to me, though, and while he had been on plenty of dates, I don’t think he wanted to tell another person about his condition, something he didn’t feel nearly as much pride about as his grandmother did. “This isn’t some superpower, it’s a curse,” I heard Caleb say one morning after cleaning up the hair he shed and putting on new clothes to replace the ones his stronger, more muscular form ripped. “It’s a curse,” he continued. “I didn’t ask to be born with this, and I wish I hadn’t been. I wish...” Caleb paused, knowing that what he was about to say would have gotten him smacked by his grandmother. “I wish nobody would have to be born with this again.” I ran into the first bar I saw, and it was red everywhere. On the walls, on the ceiling, on the floor. People lying everywhere with fresh bite marks and claw marks. They were still as lamp posts, fear frozen onto many of their faces. I was too late. I ran into another bar and found a grisly scene just as bad as the last one. The creature wasn’t there. I ran into a restaurant beside it. Everyone there was dead, too, but this time, it included children. I knew I had to be quick, stop this creature before it murdered anybody else, but I couldn’t help myself. I fell to my knees and cried, wailing like that creature in the night. These people weren’t just murdered by what Caleb transformed into. They were murdered by me, because I couldn’t bring myself to do the one thing Caleb and his family trusted me to do if he shed his chains before shedding his fur. I wanted to believe I had simply missed, I wanted to convince myself that I was just scared and my shot was off, but those were just excuses. I had to kill him, and because I didn’t, he was going to kill as many people as he could find. I had to get up. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself. I went to more buildings, found more shattered windows, more still, terrified bodies. The creature seemed to know anatomy as well as a doctor, knowing exactly where to scratch or bite to kill these people instantly, or have them bleed out so fast they had no chance of being saved. The first time I heard screams, they were in the distance. I immediately ran out of the bar I was in, and I saw the creature zip out of one a few blocks away from me. I followed it into a restaurant with my gun drawn, saw it about to lunge at a kid, and fired my gun again. This time, I didn’t miss. The people in the restaurant looked at the creature, looked at me, and then began clapping. I ignored them as I walked to the creature, nodded at the kid, a justifiably scared little girl, as well as her parents, who were in front of her and in shock. I picked the creature up and noticed it was already beginning to shed fur. I had to get back to the apartment fast. By the time I dropped the creature on our couch, it was already looking like Caleb again. I pulled the silver bullet out of his back and then felt his pulse. As I expected and as I feared, there was no movement. I grabbed a knife from the kitchen and slashed his throat, being careful to make it look like it was done by a wolf. I then went to bed, making sure not to think about Caleb’s mother or the families of all of the people I couldn’t save, thoughts that would have simply kept me up all night. I eventually did go to sleep, the full moon shining as brightly as ever above me.

I'll be Weird Al.

Since The Lion King is about to turn 30 I'll be Simba.

Three final updates to the Interviews page: Casey Alexander interview Second Paul Tibbitt interview Second Dani Michaeli interview

I've added an interview with Dani Michaeli and (one part of) an interview with Richard Pursel to the interviews page. The second part of the Pursel interview will be added tomorrow morning. Expect even more after that.