JCM

JCM Becomes a Family Guy (Peter and Lois Griffin are playing the piano in their living room.) Lois: (singing) It seems today that all you see is smart, provoking humor in shows like Barry! Peter: (singing) But where are those good old fashioned gimmicks... (The rest of the family slides into the scene.) Griffins: (singing) On which we used to rely? (The Griffins are now dressed elaborately and dancing on a stage.) Griffins: (singing) Lucky there's a Family Guy! Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that that make Clapmaster cry! (Clappy is watching an episode of Family Guy where a cross-dressing Vladimir Putin is giving Peter a lap dance.) Clappy: (crying) Why do I continue to watch this shit? (Cut back to the stage.) Griffins: (singing) He's...a...Family...Guy! (Zoom out to reveal the Family Guy logo as the music ends. After a few seconds, cut to an establishing shot of the Griffin household before cutting to Peter and Lois on the living room couch watching television.) Peter: Hey Lois, remember the time we appeared in JCMovies? Lois: The fuck is a JCMovies? (Cut to JCM in his office at the SpongeBob Community School. Wumbo runs in.) Wumbo: JCM, something terrible has happened! JCM: What? Wumbo: We're in a Family Guy cutaway gag! JCM: Really? How do you know? Wumbo: I have an app on my phone that tells me when we've entered a new reality... (Wumbo takes out his phone and shows JCM what's on it.) Wumbo: ...and we're definitely in the "entire world is a throwaway joke on Family Guy" reality. JCM: How do we get out of it? Wumbo: We need to find who sent us here in the first place, and since you're usually responsible for the crazy shit that happens at the school, I'm going to you first. JCM: I swear! I have nothing to do with it! Wumbo: Maybe not intentionally. Have you opened any weird emails this morning? JCM: I open every weird email I get! Wumbo: What the fuck? Have you ever heard of a spam filter? JCM: I'm 127! I don't understand technology, Wumbo! Wumbo: (sighs) Fine. Let's just look through your email and find out which one sent us here. (JCM and Wumbo walk to the computer lab, where they find the cross-dressing Vladimir Putin from earlier at one of the computers.) Wumbo: Can I help you? Putin: Oh! I was just...looking at porn! Yeah! JCM: Hey! He has my AOL page open! (Putin runs out of the computer lab, and JCM and Wumbo run to his computer.) JCM: He deleted all my emails! Wumbo: He definitely has something to do with us winding up here! We have to follow him! (Putin runs out of the school and finds OWM getting into a school bus. JCM and Wumbo run out next to find Putin jumping onto the back of the school bus as it drives off.) JCM: What do we do now? Wumbo: Let's get into my car! Fast! (Putin climbs onto the top of the school bus as it drives down the street. He crawls to the front of the bus then hangs over it, surprising OWM as he kicks in the driver's window.) OWM: What the fuck? Putin: Give me that wheel! (Putin tries to pull OWM off the wheel, causing the bus to swerve.) OWM: Knock it off! There's a kid back there! (OWM points to imindanger, who is sitting at the back of the bus.) Imindanger: (chuckles) I'm in mortal peril! (Putin pulls the wheel so hard to the right that the bus topples over, causing imindanger to fly out the window. OWM and Putin fight as JCM and Wumbo speed down the street towards them. JCM leans out his door to catch imindanger and pull him into the car with them.) Imindanger: Hooray! I'm not dead! Wumbo: There's Vlady Putin! JCM: Vlady Putin? Did you just come up with that? Wumbo: Yeah, I thought it was clever. Come on! (Just as Putin overpowers OWM, he's grabbed by JCM and Wumbo.) Wumbo: It's time for you to start talking. JCM: Yeah! Why are you in drag? Putin: It's a military strategy. (Putin pulls one of his arms away from Wumbo then puts a hand on his chest.) Putin: I'll suck your dick if you give me weapons to commit war crimes in Ukraine with. Wumbo: (sweating) Holy shit, that's convincing. JCM: Next question: why did you delete all of my emails? Putin: I couldn't let you find out who sent you the email that trapped you and everybody else in Circuit City in a Family Guy cutaway gag. OWM: Wait, we're in a Family Guy cutaway gag? Wumbo: (rolls eyes) Americans. Am I right, imindanger? Imindanger: I think there's a piece of glass lodged in my skull. Is there a hospital nearby? JCM: Last question, Vlady... Putin: Ooh, that's clever. Wumbo: Thanks. I came up with it. JCM: ...who was it that sent me the email? Putin: I'll tell you...but first, I need to take my pills. I'm an old man, and I'm on a schedule. JCM: (nods) I understand. (Wumbo takes a bottle of water out of his car and gives it to Putin, who swallows two pills and then drinks from the water bottle.) Putin: (licks lips) Thank you. (Putin foams at the mouth and collapses.) Wumbo: Those were cyanide pills, weren't they? OWM: Yup. I could have warned you, but my stupid American brain assumed you wouldn't listen. Wumbo: And you assumed right! Come on! I have another idea for getting back to our reality! (Wumbo heads back to his car with JCM and OWM right behind him.) Imindanger: So...I guess the hospital isn't going to happen, then? (To Be Continued)

HAL 9000

JCM Meets the Second Coming of Team Rage (Part 2) (JCM is in shinya’s Korean restaurant, where Elsa is holding a gun to Sauce Mama’s head, and MCJ is holding a gun to shinya’s head.) JCM: MCJ? How did you get out of prison? MCJ: I got off early for good behavior. Just kidding! I shanked like 40 blokes! It was not good behavior. Elsa: Me and my apprentice helped him get out of that prison. JCM: Your apprentice? Is that the one who took my eye? (HawkbitZeta comes out of the kitchen holding JCM’s eye.) HawkbitZeta: Ding, ding, ding! Tell the audience what he’s won! (JCM lunges at HawkbitZeta, causing him to flinch.) Elsa: Stop! Take another step, and both of your friends die. (JCM stops.) MCJ: I wish I could feel bad for you, brother, but because of you, I lost my fucking arm! JCM: I’m sorry, okay? But those two have nothing to do with it. Elsa: So cooperate with us and we won’t have to hurt them. Sauce: Don’t listen to them, JCM! Shinya: I can’t believe I trusted you, Elsa! Elsa: I can’t believe you trusted me, either. JCM: What is it you want? Elsa: I spent many years studying those powers of yours, which led to me correctly guessing that removing your right eye would cut you off from them. Your powers would be even more valuable on our side, however, so if you agree to join us, we’ll give you back your eye and return your powers to you. JCM: Agree to join what? Elsa: Our awesome new group: Team Rage...2! Shinya: (rolls eyes) How original. (MCJ turns his gun sideways.) MCJ: You wanna get capped, bitch? JCM: What will happen to my friends if I join you? Elsa: We’ll have to hold them hostage so we have leverage over you, but as long as you do what we say, we’ll keep your friends safe. Sauce: She’s lying! Don’t fall for it! (Elsa hits Sauce on the back of the head with her gun, knocking her out.) JCM: No! Shinya: Fuck! Elsa: I’m tired of fucking around! You have ten seconds to decide what you’ll do, JCM! If you don’t join us after that, we’ll kill your friends right here and you with them! Ten seconds! 10…9…8… (As Elsa continues counting down, JCM clenches his fists. He rips off his eyepatch, closes his eyes, then opens them again, revealing a new eye in the place of the missing one.) Elsa: 3…2… (notices JCM’s new eye) Wha- (Elsa’s and MCJ’s guns fly out of their hands, and they run towards the front door as JCM shoots blasts of energy at them. HawkbitZeta runs after them, but JCM blocks his way to the exit as Elsa and MCJ successfully escape.) JCM: I was your guidance counselor! I thought I fixed you! HawkbitZeta: You didn’t fix shit! (Elsa shoots ice at JCM from behind, but he melts it in midair without turning around.) Elsa: Let him out, JCM! JCM: No, Elsa! You attacked the school, put my friends in danger, and had your lackey steal my frickin’ eye! (JCM points an open palm at HawkbitZeta, who closes his eyes as JCM’s palm lights up.) JCM: Now...I’ll steal something from you. (Shinya leaps in front of HawkbitZeta.) Shinya: Don’t do this, JCM. He’s just a kid. JCM: Get out of the way, shin! Shinya: No! This isn’t how we’re going to beat them! JCM: You don’t think I’ll do it? You don’t think I’ll blow through both of you? Shinya: JCM...listen to yourself. (Sauce Mama regains consciousness and gasps when she sees what’s going on.) Sauce: JCM! (Sauce runs to JCM, who is now crying, and gently pushes down his arm.) JCM: They were going to kill you...they were going to kill both of you...and I was helpless. Sauce: Well, you aren’t helpless now. Shinya: Get the fuck out of here, kid. (HawkbitZeta stumbles out of the restaurant and follows Elsa and MCJ into Elsa’s candy van.) Elsa: I didn’t realize just how anime JCM’s anime superpowers were. This will be harder than I thought. (The van drives off as JCM, Shinya, and Sauce Mama watch it.) JCM: Why did they paint “candy” on that van? Sauce: And shouldn’t we, like, call the cops or something? Shinya: It’s been a long day. We should all head home. JCM: What are you talking about? It’s 11 in the morning. Sauce: I’m going to assume that's a “no” to calling the cops? Shinya: I’m selling much harder drugs than weed out of this restaurant, Sauce! No, no cops! JCM: So, what do we do from here? Shinya: We get ready. All three of us. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Team Rage 2, which is still a fucking horrible name. JCM: (nods) I’m going back to the school to actually do my job for the first time in days! If anything happens, call me on my flip phone! Sauce: Flip phone? You still haven’t upgraded? JCM: Never, Sauce. Never. (JCM walks away, and as Sauce and Shinya are about to go inside again, a man stops them.) Man: Hey, are you guys open? Shinya: Do you see the “Closed” sign in the window? What the fuck do you think? Man: Alright, alright! (walks away) Asshole. (The End)

JCM Meets the Second Coming of Team Rage (Part 1) (JCM walks into Wumbology’s science class wearing an eyepatch.) Wumbology: JCM! I’m loving the pirate getup. JCM: Wumbo? You’re the science teacher again? Wumbology: Well, yeah. After SG got outed as Selena Gomez and the one they hired after her died in our war against the ice zombies… JCM: RIP. Wumbology: RIP. You know, I never got his name… JCM: Doesn’t matter now. Anyway, I want to know if it’s possible to use science to grow an eye back…and maybe get me back some lost anime superpowers. Wumbology: I don’t think it’s science that you’re looking for, JCM: it’s magic. JCM: Is there anybody around here who knows magic? Wumbology: Technically, I shouldn’t believe in magic, but there is an old lady in the woods who is said to be capable of…strange things. JCM: Strange things? Wumbology: Indeed. But you didn’t hear it from me. Now shoo! I have a class to teach! (That night, JCM walks into the woods, braving cold air and strange animal noises everywhere. Suddenly, his foot gets pulled by a rope, and he finds himself hanging upside down from a tree branch. An old woman jumps out of a nearby bush.) Woman: Aha! A fresh kill! JCM: Wait! I’m not an animal! Woman: Aww. (The woman cuts JCM down.) Woman: Wait a minute. I know you. (The wrinkles disappear from the woman’s face and the bags vanish from her eyes to reveal who she really is.) JCM: (gasps) Fa? Fa: It’s been a long time, JCM. JCM: Where have you been these last ten years? Fa: Bought a spellbook on Amazon, left civilization to embrace life as a witch, you know, the usual. JCM: I’m happy you’re not dead! Fa: Thanks! I’m happy I’m not dead, too! (JCM and Fa walk into Fa’s cabin.) Fa: So, what are you craving? Squirrel? Deer? Berries? Bark? JCM: I’m good. Fa: What happened to your eye? JCM: A bird stole it from me! Fa: Damn. Sorry to hear that. JCM: Do you think you could use magic from that spellbook of yours to grow it back? Fa: Magic isn’t just a toy that you can play with whenever you suffer a devastating mutilation, JCM. JCM: It’s not? Fa: No. It can be very dangerous. I could grow you a new eye, but that eye could turn the rest of you evil! You’re better off just living with one eye for the rest of your life. JCM: No! I didn’t come all the way down here just to get turned away! You will make me a new eye! (Fa grows to twice her height, and fire appears around her.) Fa: (echoing) Or what? (JCM sweats then raises an open palm before closing and opening his eye.) JCM: Darn it! I forgot! My chiwa doesn’t work anymore. Fa: Wait, your chiwa doesn’t work anymore? (Fa returns to her normal height.) Fa: Your chiwa is our last line of defense against supernatural threats! Without it, we’re royally fucked! JCM: So, you’ll help me? Fa: Yes, JCM. I’ll help you. (Fa pours various potions into a bowl before stirring them together.) JCM: Oh, do I drink from that? Fa: Something like that. (Fa slams JCM’s face into the bowl, and he screams.) JCM: It burns! Fa: That means it’s working! (Fa picks up JCM’s face, which is now red and scarred.) Fa: You’re probably gonna need a cream for that. JCM: Do you have that cream? Fa: (laughs) I’m a witch, not a pharmacist! (Fa stares into the bowl and scratches her chin.) Fa: This locator spell says your eye is at Shinya’s restaurant. JCM: What? How? Fa: Not sure, but you’re probably going to want to head over there to get your eye. Somehow, that eye is connected to your powers, so making you a new one would do you no good. JCM: (nods) Thanks, Fa. (Before JCM leaves the cabin, he turns around.) JCM: How do I look? Fa: You look like shit. JCM: That will have to do! (JCM runs to shinya’s Korean restaurant, and when he gets there, he finds Elsa holding a gun to Sauce Mama’s head and his twin brother, MCJ, holding a gun to shinya’s head.) JCM: W-what’s going on? Sauce: (crying) Get the fuck out, JCM! It’s a trap! MCJ: Miss me, bro? (To Be Continued)

JCM Plays the Game of Thrones (JCM walks into the school on a Friday. He sees the words “Winter Is Coming” written across the lockers.) JCM: That’s weird. Spring just started! (Jjs approaches JCM.) Jjs: JCM, I wanted to give the good news to you first: you’re a finalist for the Featured Employee award! JCM: Ooh, do I get a bonus for winning it? Jjs: (laughs) No, of course not. But you do get to wear this all next week if you win it. (Jjs holds up a fake Burger King crown.) JCM: Oh, my gosh! That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen! Can I touch it? Jjs: Fuck no! Just keep up the good work, and you might see it again. (Jjs goes into his office.) JCM: I have to win that crown! (JCM stands outside the teacher’s lounge and hands out flyers as people walk in.) JCM: Hi! (passes flyer) Vote me for Featured Employee! (passes flyer) Vote me for Featured Employee! (JCM gives the last flyer to Fred, who studies it.) Fred: You do realize I’m a finalist for Featured Employee, too, right? JCM: That’s great! Just know that no matter who ends up winning the crown, we’re all winners in the end! But not really. Because only one will get the crown. (Fred nods before going into the teacher’s lounge and climbing onto the table.) Fred: Hey! After school is over, drinks are on me! (The teachers in the room cheer.) JCM: Oh, yeah? Well, drinks are doubly on me! Free drinks for a week if you vote for me! (The teachers in the room cheer louder. Fred climbs off the desk and gets so close to JCM that their faces are only inches apart.) Fred: When you play the game of thrones, JCM, you either win…or you die. JCM: Wow! That’s pretty dark! Fred: Yeah, I may have gone too far, but that crown is mine! (JCM notices OMJ cleaning the graffiti off the lockers.) JCM: Hey, OMJ, can I help you with that? OMJ: Sure! Fred: I’ll help, too! (JCM and Fred fight over the mop, and OMJ backs away from them.) OMJ: This is getting weird! (Later that day, Katniss is preparing lunch in the cafeteria when JCM runs up to her.) JCM: Hey, Kat, can I help you make the food? I have restaurant experience! I’m good for it! Katniss: Fuck off! Don’t you have your own job to do? JCM: It’s no trouble! I swear! Katniss: Even if I wanted your help, Fred’s already helping me! (Fred, who was crouching to pick up food he dropped, stands up again, revealing himself to JCM as he throws the food away.) Fred: Hey, JCM! What are you hungry for today? JCM: I…I can’t believe you would do this to me! Fred: What do you mean? I haven’t even poisoned you yet! (Katniss glares at Fred.) Fred: Just kidding! (Suddenly, a man stumbles into the cafeteria with an ice pick through his chest.) Student: Gross, man! People are trying to eat! Man: An army of the dead…it’s coming…for the school. (The man collapses.) JCM: Don’t worry! I’ll get the nurse! She’ll definitely vote for me if I help her save a dying man! (As JCM starts to run out of the cafeteria, the man grabs his leg and starts to bite at it.) JCM: Hey! Let go of me! Student: Oh, my God! It’s a dead man with a biting fetish! (All of the students storm out of the cafeteria, separating the man from JCM as they trample him.) JCM: Wait! No! If he gets deader, I won’t be able to save him. (Jjs runs up to JCM.) Jjs: Don’t you see? That’s a zombie! We have to get school security! JCM: Yay! More people who can vote for me! (Jjs and JCM run out of the school to find all of their security guards lying on the ground in front of them with ice picks in their chests.) Jjs: No! Who will we have to apply unnecessary force to rowdy students now? JCM: (points) Look, jjs! (Hundreds of zombies, led by Elsa, march towards the school.) JCM: I’ll use my anime superpowers to take care of this in a jiff! (JCM closes and opens his eyes, and then he flies towards Elsa and the zombies. Suddenly, he’s attacked by a hawk.) JCM: Ouch! Stop! (The hawk plucks out one of JCM’s eyes, and he falls to the ground.) JCM: No! That was my favorite eye! (OMJ runs out of the school next.) OMJ: I’ll take care of this! I’m a goddamn her- (An ice pick flies into OMJ’s chest.) OMJ: Nevermind. (OMJ dies, and jjs runs back into the school.) Jjs: Fuck! (Fred and Katniss come out of the cafeteria.) Jjs: It’s over. We’re all going to get eaten by zombies. Katniss: No. (Katniss kicks one of the lockers, and it opens to reveal a bow and arrow inside.) Katniss: We’re going to fight! (JCM crawls into the school with blood dripping out of his empty eye socket.) JCM: No wonder Plankton is so grumpy all the time! This stinks! Fred: Have you given up? JCM: Never! Not until I beat you! I may have lost an eye, but I am not going to lose that crown! (As Elsa and the zombies get closer, JCM, Fred, Jjs, and Katniss recruit as many students and faculty as they can to help them fight off the zombies. The war lasts hours, and hundreds on both sides perish, but Elsa eventually decides that the losses are too much and orders her army to turn back. The survivors on the side of the living bury their dead before going back into the school.) JCM: Man, that was crazy! So, who won Featured Employee? Jjs: JCM, how can you think about Featured Employee at a time like this? JCM: I mean, we won, didn’t we? Jjs: (sighs) Yeah, I guess we did. (Jjs addresses the students.) Jjs: Call your parents. Call your Ubers, do what you need to do to get home. (pauses) We fucking won this shit! (Everybody cheers.) Fred: JCM? JCM: Yeah? Fred: Whether I won or lost, I just want to say…good game. JCM: (nods) Good game. (The faculty go into the teacher’s longue, and Jjs opens the results of the Featured Employee voting on his phone.) Jjs: Today, we learned a lot about what we’re capable of as a staff and as a school. As powerful as we are, though, nothing in the world more powerful than a good story. Nothing can stop it. No enemy can defeat it, and who has better stories than our school librarian, SOF? That’s why I voted for him, and that’s why I imagine so many others in this room did, too. SOF, come on up! You’re this week’s Featured Employee! JCM: What? Fred: What? JCM: I didn’t even know we had a library! Fred: I didn’t, either, and I’m the English teacher! Now that I think about it, that may be why I lost. OMJ: That and you two not doing your jobs all day. Fred: Hey, weren’t you just killed? OMJ: Yeah, but I’m fine now. Totally unrelated, but can I bite your arm? Fred: Not gonna happen. OMJ: Worth a shot. (The End)

JCM Counsels a Hawk (JCM is in his office with a student.) Student: So, what am I supposed to do about my depression? JCM: Well, I was depressed for 30 seconds yesterday, so I would say I have extensive experience with it! Student: And? JCM: Just think happy thoughts and you’ll cheer up in no time! Student: I…don’t think that’s how it works. JCM: Who’s the therapist here? Student: You aren’t a therapist! You’re a fucking school counselor! I can’t believe I went to you with this! You’re worse than Seb! (The student runs out of the office, and HawkbitAlpha walks in moments later.) JCM: Hi there, Mr. Alpha! What’s troubling you? HawkbitAlpha: It’s my little brother, HawkbitZeta. He won’t talk to me, and he’s failing all his classes, including my math class. JCM: That’s terrible! HawkbitAlpha: And that’s not all. I found these in his backpack. (HawkbitAlpha reveals a pair of Groucho glasses from under his shirt.) JCM: Oh, my gosh! What are those? HawkbitAlpha: Remnants of a life I left behind. I’m going to send my brother here the next time he’s in class with me, so do you think you can get through to him? JCM: I know I can! HawkbitAlpha: Thanks. (HawkbitAlpha gives JCM the Groucho glasses.) HawkbitAlpha: Also, could you do me a favor and not tell HawkbitZeta I swiped these from him? JCM: Of course! Consider these protected by doctor-patient Miss-Congeniality! HawkbitAlpha: You mean confidentiality? JCM: So it’s not like the Sandra Bullock movie? HawkbitAlpha: No. JCM: Darn! Well, your secret’s safe with me, anyway! (Later that day, HawkbitZeta walks into JCM’s office.) JCM: Is there anything you want to talk to me about? HawkbitZeta: No. My stupid older brother sent me here! JCM: Why do you think he did that? HawkbitZeta: Because he’s an asshole who doesn’t know how to mind his own business! (JCM nods before slowly placing the Groucho glasses on his desk.) JCM: Do you know me what these are? HawkbitZeta: That…that was in my backpack! (HawkbitZeta opens his backpack and realizes the glasses are no longer in them.) HawkbitZeta: Were you going through my stuff? JCM: (nervously) No? HawkbitZeta: Then where the fuck did you get those glasses from? JCM: I’m sorry, but my shrink book says I’m only supposed to ask questions early on because it’s about you, you know? HawkbitZeta: You piece of shit! You think you can steal from me and get away with it? JCM: Calm down, please? (HawkbitZeta grabs the Groucho glasses and puts them on.) HawkbitZeta: If you thought my brother was a menace, you’re going to hate me! (HawkbitZeta runs out of the office and then runs into HawkbitAlpha’s classroom.) HawkbitAlpha: What’s going on? And why are you wearing those? HawkbitZeta: That guidance counselor you sent me to stole these from me! HawkbitAlpha: He…did? HawkbitZeta: So I need you to go to the principal with me so we can get him fired! HawkbitAlpha: I…I can’t do that. HawkbitZeta: Why not? It will be like the old days, with HawkbitAlpha, master of disguise, and his apprentice, HawkbitZeta! Just the two of us, making trouble together! HawkbitAlpha: That was never real. I was never a “master of disguise”. I was just a kid with a lot of issues. And I don’t want you to start getting those same issues, which is why I took those glasses out of your backpack. (HawkbitZeta begins to back away.) HawkbitZeta: It was you? HawkbitAlpha: Yes, but you need to understand… HawkbitZeta: No! Fuck you! I’m sick of this class, I’m sick of this school, I’m sick of everything! (HawkbitZeta runs out of the classroom, and HawkbitAlpha follows him.) HawkbitAlpha: Wait! (HawkbitZeta raises a middle finger as he runs out the school. JCM then comes out of his office.) JCM: Did we fix him? HawkbitAlpha: What do you think? JCM: I’ll guess…yes! HawkbitAlpha: You’re a fucking idiot, JCM. (HawkbitAlpha walks back into his classroom sadly.) JCM: Think happy thoughts, Mr. Alpha! (to himself) I wonder what happened to his brother. (HawkbitZeta is sitting outside the school and crying. He suddenly feels an ice-cold hand touch his shoulder.) Voice: So, you want to be a master of disguise? (HawkbitZeta looks up to find that Tucker Tuckerson is now standing beside him.) HawkbitZeta: I mean, I don’t not want that. Tucker: Then come with me into my candy van, and I’ll teach you how to turn into whatever you want! HawkbitZeta: I don’t know…I feel like I’ve been getting warned about people like you since kindergarten. Tucker: Listen…if you want some real power, follow me. Otherwise, stay right there, crying about shit the world does to you, instead of doing some shit to the world for once. (Tucker starts walking to a black van with “CANDY” spray painted in white on it that is parked on the side of the street. HawkbitZeta hesitates before following him.) Tucker: I knew you would come to your senses. HawkbitZeta: Do you have Kinder Bueno in that van? Tucker: It’s not an actual candy van. HawkbitZeta: Fuck! (The End)

JCM Experiences the Stages of Grief (JCM walks into Shinya's Korean restaurant.) JCM: Take a look at SBC's new guidance counselor! Sauce Mama: Oh my God, JCM, I'm so happy for you! JCM: (eyes widen) Sauce? What are you doing here? Sauce Mama: I'm the newest waitress! Shinya offered me job once I told him I was back in town! (JCM starts babbling incoherently.) Sauce Mama: Aww, JCM, are you still in love with me? JCM: Where's Shinya? Sauce Mama: In the kitchen. Why? (JCM runs into the kitchen.) Shinya: JCM? What are you doing back here? JCM: Why did you replace me with my half-sister? Shinya: Sauce has worked with my longer than you have! Why wouldn't I bring in somebody I knew could do the job? JCM: It's just...I didn't expect you to move on so quickly. Shinya: Don't tell me you want to come back already! JCM: No! I...I'm doing great! I'm actually reading this book about being a good shrink that's over a thousand pages long! And right now, I'm learning about the stages of grief, but that...that doesn't mean I'm in denial! Shinya: Really? Because it sounds like you're in denial. (JCM walks out of the kitchen.) JCM: Can I get a table, Sauce? Sauce Mama: Sure! Anything for my bro! (Sauce Mama leads JCM to a table, and he sits down at it.) Sauce Mama: Can I give you anything to drink while you're waiting to order? It's on me! JCM: I...I...crap! I'm sorry for the coarse language, Sauce, but I'm feeling really mad all of a sudden. Sauce Mama: I've got just the thing for that: weed soda! It's legal here and it will mellow you right up! (Sauce Mama goes into the kitchen, and Shinya comes out of it shortly after. JCM runs to Shinya.) JCM: You've gotta give me my job back! I'll do anything! Shinya: Sounds like you're at the bargaining stage. JCM: How do you know about that? Shinya: It's one of the most overused tropes in television, JCM! Get a grip on yourself! JCM: (crying) I made a mistake! You told me I was making a mistake when I quit to become a teacher again, but I didn't listen! I'm sorry! (Shinya grabs JCM's shoulders.) Shinya: No. I'm the one who made the mistake. I was just used to you being around, but now that you've spent some time back at the school doing what you love, the last thing I want to do is take that away from you. JCM: But...I don't love it! I thought I did, but I don't. Shinya: That's the depression talking. I know you'll be a great guidance counselor, but you have to know it, too. (Sauce Mama walks out of the kitchen with a large glass of weed soda.) Sauce Mama: Am I...interrupting something? JCM: (wipes away tears) No. Sauce Mama: Great! Here's your federally controlled substance packaged in an unhealthy carbonated beverage! (Sauce Mama gives JCM the glass, and he drinks all of it in less than a second.) Sauce Mama: What the fuck? You weren't supposed to drink it all that fast! (JCM starts laughing.) JCM: I've done it! I've learned to accept that I'm not working here anymore! And I feel great! Sauce Mama: You're probably going to be feeling something else soon. JCM: What? (Suddenly, everything becomes sepia-toned, and everybody inside the restaurant now has afros and 1970s-era clothing on.) JCM: Uh-oh. (CNF, CDCB, Cha, and a capybara run into the restaurant.) CNF: There you are, JCM! JCM: The first things I can think of that start with the letter C? I guess it's just one of those days. Cha: We found a major clue in that mystery we've been investigating! JCM: Mystery? What mystery? CDCB: We don't have time for exposition! But that does remind me of a joke... CNF and Cha: No! CDCB: Never mind, then. Just know that we have to go now! It's urgent! Capybara: Right! Rit's rurgent! JCM: Sorry, Shin and Sauce. I need to leave with my friends and our talking capybara. Shinya: I understand. Hey, get better. And stay out of the street! JCM: You got it! (JCM runs out the restaurant with the others.) Shinya: (sniffs) They grow up so fast. (The End)

JCM Annoys Anonymous Alcohols (aka Alliteration is (Still) Awesome!) (JCM walks into Fred’s English class.) Fred: JCM, why the fuck aren’t you wearing green? JCM: Was I supposed to? Fred: Yes, you were supposed to! Look at everyone here! Where’s your holiday spirit? JCM: Christmas was over two months ago, wasn’t it? Fred: It’s better than Christmas! It’s St. Patrick’s Day, the only day we can drink all day and not be criticized for it! (Fred drinks half a bottle of vodka before continuing his English lesson.) Fred: Today we’re going to talk about the past parti…partiplical. Nah, fuck that. Class dismissed. Students: Yay! (All of the students immediately take bottles of liquor out of their backpacks and drink from them.) JCM: Fred, aren’t you going to do something? All of those students are underaged! Fred: (laughs) Didn’t you hear? Class is over! They aren’t my responsi-bluh-blility anymore! (After school is over, JCM walks down the streets of Circuit City, where there are drunk people and wrecked cars everywhere.) JCM: There must be somewhere I can go where everyone isn’t drinking themselves to death! (JCM notices a sign pinned to a pole with the words “Want to Go Somewhere Where Everyone Isn’t Drinking Themselves to Death? Stop by Lucky’s on 8th Street!” JCM then goes to Lucky’s on 8th Street.) JCM: Hello? (JCM finds a leprechaun in the room with a group of older adults.) Leprechaun: Hey there! I’m Lucky! What’s your name? JCM: JCM. Group: Hi, JCM. Lucky: So, how long have you had problems with alcohol? JCM: My whole life! I’ve never understood why everyone around me drank so much, especially on St. Patrick’s Day! Lucky: (chuckles) Yes, it is hard to resist the pressure to do what everyone else does. JCM: Not for me! I’ve never had a drop of alcohol in my life! (The people in the group mutter among themselves.) Lucky: JCM, you do realize this is an AA meeting, right? JCM: What’s AA? Lucky: Alcoholics Anonymous. Meaning it’s for recovering alcoholics, like me and everybody else here. JCM: Can’t I stay here anyway? Lucky: Not to be a gatekeeper, but you need to get the fuck out of here. You aren’t like us. (The people in the group mutter in agreement.) Lucky: You aren’t even wearing green. What kind of asshole doesn’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day? JCM: You…you’re the a-hole! You’re pressuring me to do things I don’t want to do! Lucky: Until you know what it’s like…to have your wife hate you, have your children hate you, have your entire country hate you, you wouldn’t understand. (Suddenly, everything is in black and white.) JCM: What happened to the color? (JCM is by himself now, and he notices a younger Lucky walking into a bar.) Lucky: (voiceover) When I was a wee lad, I went to pubs all over the world spreading St. Patrick’s Day spirit. JCM: Where’s that voice coming from? This is scary! I want to go back! Lucky: (voiceover) Shut the fuck up. Anyway, Americans soon tired of my antics. (The young Lucky gets thrown out of the bar and stumbles down the sidewalk, clearly drunk.) Lucky: (voiceover) They locked me up… (JCM is now in a 1930s prison cell with a young Lucky.) Lucky: (voiceover) They discriminated against Irish people everywhere… (JCM is in front of an old shop with a sign on the door saying “Irish Need Not Apply”.) Lucky: (voiceover) And I became the most hated Irishman in the world because of it. Now, there are only disgusting caricatures of me… (JCM is in a Lucky Charms commercial.) Cartoon Lucky: Stay away from me Lucky Charms! (Kids immediately beat the cartoon Lucky up and steal his pot of cereal.) Lucky: (voice) And I’m banned from ever entering Ireland again. I’m even banned from Northern Ireland, which is some real bullshit. (JCM is back in the AA meeting, and he looks around, still not certain that everything is real.) Lucky: Do you understand now? Do you understand why I can’t let somebody who hasn’t had the sweet, sweet taste of alcohol completely fuck up their life be in here with us? JCM: No. Lucky: Fuck it. Sorry, guys. You all are on your own. I’ve been sober for 80 years, but starting now, I’m done. It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and my green ass is getting plastered! JCM: Is your…butt actually green? (Lucky pats JCM on the shoulder.) Lucky: I’ll let you think about that one. (Lucky leaves the building named after him, and the people in the group look at each other with confusion.) JCM: I may not be like you all, but I know what it’s like to let an addiction ruin your life. (JCM thinks for a moment.) JCM: His butt isn’t actually green! It’s a figure of speech! (The people in the group look at each other with confusion again.) JCM: Also, for so long, I was addicted to the thought of being a teacher at the SpongeBob Community School. For one moment, for one brief, beautiful moment, I had it, but then, I lost it…now, I’m starting to think that maybe that’s not what I want after all. (The next morning, JCM walks into the principal’s office at the school, where Jjs is sitting at his desk in sunglasses.) JCM: Jjs, I know what I want to teach now! Jjs: Why the fuck are you being so loud? Take it down like 20, 30 decibels! JCM: (whispering) Sorry. Anyway, I know what I want to teach: nothing! Jjs: Huh? JCM: I want to be the new guidance counselor. What I want to be…is somebody who helps other people know what they want to be. Jjs: Okay. JCM: Okay? So, you’ll let me do it? Jjs: Sure, if it means you’ll leave me alone. In case you can’t tell, I’m a bit hungover. (JCM sprints out of the principal’s office and dances down the hallway as the students and teachers around him groan and walk sluggishly. Fred shakes his head before going into his English class.) Fred: Fucking show-off. (The End)

JCM Gets Attacked by Bullies (JCM and Trophy are walking out of the teachers lounge and drinking coffee.) JCM: You know, I used to be the PE teacher! Trophy: Easiest gig ever, right? What do you do now? JCM: I’m…not sure. (Suddenly, three teenage boys with leather jackets and slicked-back hair walk up to JCM and Trophy.) Boy 1: Ey! Gimme yer cawwfee! Trophy: Mine? Boy 2: Both of youse! JCM: We’re teachers! You can’t tell us what to do! (The second boy kicks JCM in the shin, causing him to fall to the ground and spill his coffee.) Trophy: Don’t need to tell me twice. (Trophy gives the first boy his coffee, and after a sip, he spits it onto JCM’s face.) Boy 1: This tastes like shit! Trophy: What did you expect it to taste like? It’s coffee. Boy 1: Better than this! I dunno why you grownups drink this! (The boy gives Trophy the coffee back before going into the cafeteria with his two friends.) Trophy: Are you alright, JCM? JCM: Aside from the fact that I can’t walk or move my face anymore, sure! Trophy: Great! Because class is about to start, so I’m off to the gym! (Trophy starts walking away.) JCM: Wait! I was being fictitious! Face-e-shush? Oh, forget it! (The third teenage boy approaches a student in the cafeteria.) Boy 3: Gimme yer lunch money…or you’ll get a pounding! Student: (sweating) Okay! Do you have Venmo? Boy 3: Huh? Student: Cashapp? Boy 3: (annoyed) Are you just makin’ up words? Student: Most of us don’t pay for our lunch in cash. We do it on one of those apps I just mentioned. Boy 3: Fuck kind of bougie-ass school is this? You better have cash on you tomorrow or you’re gettin’ a pounding! (The student nods and runs off. Later that day, Jjs is in his office with Seb, the guidance counselor.) Jjs: What am I supposed to do about these bullies tormenting everyone? Seb: have you tried taking away their phones? Jjs: That’s the thing! They aren’t cyber bullies! They’re IRL bullies! Seb: irl bullies? i thought mark zuckerberg killed those off ten years ago by making bullying people online easier than ever before! Jjs: (sighs) I did, too. I have no idea how to approach this. Seb: what if we brought in somebody who has experience with irl bullying? Jjs: You don’t mean… Seb: do you have any better ideas? (The next day, ExKizuna walks into jjs’s office.) Jjs: I wish we were meeting under happier circumstances. ExKizuna: It’s okay. I’m happy to make up for my ugly history at the school by using what I know to help you guys! Jjs: Are you sure you’ll be able to get rid of them? ExKizuna: Absolutely! And I’ll do it without throwing a single punch! (Wintermelon is walking down the hallway when he sees the teenage boys approach him wielding hammers.) Boy 1: Ey, boys! Youse ever crushed a winter melon before? Wintermelon: I…I was just kidding about your jackets being lame! I swear! Boy 2: Too late! It’s time for us to get a looks inside you! (ExKizuna jumps in between the boys and Winter.) ExKizuna: Put the hammers down. Boy 3: Or what? ExKizuna: Listen, I know what you’re going through. I’ve been in your shoes before. You think the world doesn’t care about you, doesn’t care about what you’re feeling, so you lash out, take your anger out on everything and everyone around you, but I promise you. There are people who care. There are people willing to listen. You just have to let your walls down and accept them in. Accept us in. Tell me what’s on your minds. Boy 1: What’s on my mind…is that there’s a giant…fucking letter…trying to tell me what the fuck to do. Boys? Boy 2: Yeah? Boy 3: Yeah? Boy 1: It’s hammer time! ExKizuna: Oh come on! That reference is super dated! (The boys start swinging their hammers at ExKizuna. Teachers and students come out of nearby rooms to watch the fight.) ExKizuna: Well, I tried to resolve this peacefully. (ExKizuna grabs the hammer the second boy swings at him and uses it to swing the second boy around before throwing him into the other two boys. The three boys then charge at him, and ExKizuna punches and kicks them while avoiding the punches thrown his way. After several minutes, the boys are laying on the ground bruised and defeated.) Boy 1: Alright. You win. We’ll shove off. Unless there’s anyone here who wants us to stick around. (The teachers and students watching them are silent.) Boy 1: (sniffs) Fine! All we wanted to do was to shake things up! We neva meant nobody no harm! Wintermelon: You were literally just about to murder me with hammers. Boy 1: DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT SATIRE IS? (The boys leave of the school, and the students and teachers cheer. Jjs then walks up to ExKizuna.) Jjs: What happened to not throwing a single punch? ExKizuna: I didn’t throw a single punch! I threw six…or seven. (JCM peeks out of the teacher’s lounge.) JCM: Is it safe? ExKizuna: JCM! (ExKizuna runs to JCM, and JCM instinctively flinches right before ExKizuna hugs him.) JCM: Wow! I’m not in as much pain as I thought I would be! Still in pain, though. ExKizuna: Sorry. (ExKizuna lets go of JCM, and they walk outside the school with Jjs and Seb right behind them.) Seb: things have really changed over the years, haven’t they? Jjs: Some things have, but not all of them. You’re still the guidance counselor, after all. Seb: oh, that reminds me. I quit. ExKizuna, Jjs, and JCM: Whaaaaaaaaaaaa? (The End)

JCM Hunts for Lost Media (JCM walks into the principal’s office, where jjs and OWM are waiting for him.) JCM: The Open Window Maniac? Why are you here? OWM: I’m the vice principal now. JCM: Man, things have gotten weird since I left. Jjs: Correction: since you were fired. JCM: Some antics. OWM: You mean semantics? JCM: Isn’t that what I just said? Jjs: Moving on, the reason I’ve called you here is because I need you and OWM to go on a top-secret mission. JCM: Wow, you trust me enough to let me go on a top-secret mission? Jjs: No. That’s why I’m sending OWM with you. And her. (JCM notices SG coming into the office behind him.) Jjs: Meet our new science teacher! JCM: SG? I didn’t know you liked science. SG: My name is literally short for “Science Girl”. JCM: Really? I thought it was short for “sour grapes”! SG: (rolls eyes) Why do we have to bring this dumbass with us? Jjs: Because if he’s out there with you two, it means he doesn’t have to be here with me. JCM: So, what’s the mission? Jjs: For years, there have been rumors about the unaired pilot episode of Drake & Josh, the one that had a different actor for the dad. Apparently, it wasn’t just the dad who ended up getting played by someone else. Drake’s sister Megan wasn’t played by Miranda Cosgrove in that pilot but instead by the up-and-coming actress…Selena Gomez. JCM: (gasps) Who’s Selena Gomez? OWM: You know, the star of Wizards of Waverly Place, the most followed woman on Insta, basically the queen of Gen Z? JCM: Doesn’t ring a bell. Jjs: All you need to know is that if this pilot episode is ever found, it will be the biggest discovery in the history of lost media, bigger than Crybaby Lane, bigger than Clock Man, bigger than all of them! And selling it will more than make up for what we lost giving all of the teachers raises. (SG opens a map of the city onto Jjs’s desk.) OWM: They still make physical maps? SG: I’ve been interested in seeing this episode for a while, and by reaching out to people on the show’s staff, some online sleuths managed to figure out that the episode was recorded on a VHS tape that was then hidden in the mountains that surround Circuit City. (SG points to the mountains on the map.) SG: Hundreds of lost media enthusiasts are already in those mountains seeking the fame and fortune that comes with finding a tape like this, but using science… JCM: Ooh, science! SG: …I’ve been able to triangulate this tape’s exact location. (SG pulls out her phone and opens a map app on it.) OWM: Now that’s a map! SG: Based real time data, we can determine that the tape is right… (A marker appears on a small section of the map on SG’s phone.) SG: There! Jjs: Great! Now get over there and find that tape before anybody else does! (OWM, JCM, and SG get into OWM’s car, and he drives them to the mountains, which already has hundreds of cars in front of it.) OWM: This is gonna be a clusterfuck. (OWM, JCM, and SG spend hours climbing one of the mountains until they stop at a cave.) SG: (looks at phone) This is it. These are the coordinates. (SG turns on the flashlight of her phone before entering the cave with JCM and OWM.) SG: It should be around here somewhere… OWM: I see it! (OWM pulls a VHS tape out of a crack in the wall.) JCM: I’m surprised none of those other lost media guys followed us! Voice: Well, I’m sorry to inform you that you’re very wrong. (OWM, JCM, and SG turn around to find a bearded man in a fedora pointing a gun at them.) OWM: Mr. Enter? Mr. Enter: I may not be as popular as I once was, but I still have eyes and ears at your school, and once I make a video about finding this tape, I’ll be more popular than ever! OWM: Please, Enter. This tape isn’t worth killing us over. Mr. Enter: You don’t know how hard it is. Ever since I released my Turning Red review last year, everybody thinks I’m a joke! OWM: That’s not fair. Almost everybody thought you were a joke already before that review! Mr. Enter: (growls) Now you’re really gonna die for that! (JCM is blinded by a flash, and he hears gunshots echo through the cave. He turns to OWM, terrified, but once his eyesight recovers, he realizes that OWM is completely fine. He turns to Mr. Enter just as he stumbles to the ground with holes in his chest, and then he turns to SG, who is pointing a smoking gun at Mr. Enter’s body.) JCM: SG…you have a gun? SG: I’m from Texas! Of course I have a gun! (SG then points the gun at OWM.) OWM: The fuck? SG: I have a confession to make: my name isn’t actually short for Science Girl. JCM: I knew it! SG: It’s short for…Selena Gomez. OWM: (eyes widen) That’s impossible! You look nothing like Selena Gomez! (SG pulls off a blonde wig, revealing black hair underneath it.) OWM: Oh, I see it now! SG: Figured if Hannah Montana could get away with it, I could, too. JCM: Wait…Hannah Montana is wearing a wig? SG: I’m done with this discussion. Just know that the reason I was replaced for the role of Megan was because I did poorly with test audiences. I did eventually improve enough to be Disney’s first choice for Alex Russo, but still: This tape getting out would be bad for my image, and I didn’t get 400 million Instagram followers by doing things that were bad for my image. Hopefully, two missing teachers, a missing vice principal, and a missing YouTube vlogger will be enough to discourage anybody else from poking his nose where it doesn't belong! (SG pulls the trigger of her gun, but it does nothing.) SG: The hell? I reloaded this right before I got here! Voice: You forgot to set it to W... (Wumbology jumps out of a helicopter in front of the mountain.) Wumbology: ...for Wumbo! SG: How did you find us? Wumbology: Science! That's how! JCM: Hooray for science! (Wumbology approaches SG in the cave.) Wumbology: Science is also how I jammed your gun! I was expecting to have to use the technology against Mr. Enter, but as long as I get what I'm here for, I don't care. (Wumbology goes to OWM and snatches the tape from him.) Wumbology: With this, I'll be un-deported in no time! Bye, nerds! (Wumbology jumps back into his helicopter and flies off.) OWM: So...who is Hannah Montana under the wig? SG: You didn't hear it from me, but Miley Cyrus. OWM: The Wrecking Ball singer? No fucking way! (The End)

There was a generation where you could play Melee, GTA III, and the good Halo games. Nothing comes close.

JCM Quells Another Teacher's Union (Jjs walks into Superintendent Tvguy’s office. Tvguy is now wearing a bald cap, glasses and a fake goatee.) Tvguy: Jjs-sie, we need to cook…up a scheme to stop this teachers’ strike! Jjs: Uh… (Tvguy takes off the bald cap and glasses.) Tvguy: It’s me, tvguy! Remember when I impersonated iconic television characters? Just trying to lighten the mood with everything that’s going on. Jjs: Right. Anyway, I offered the teachers our terms, and they were so pissed off that they refuse to negotiate with me again. Tvguy: Who leads the union now? Jjs: Clappy. (Tvguy dials Clappy’s number on his cell phone.) Clappy: (on the phone) Hello? Tvguy: How’s it going, Claps? Clappy: I hope you’re calling me to make a real offer. Tvguy: You have your offer. A 1% raise for all teachers. Clappy: We’re asking for 20% and extra benefits! And we aren’t going to work again until we get it! (Tvguy puts his bald cap and glasses back on then takes a deep breath.) Tvguy: First, take a big step back... and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! Now, I don't know what kind of Narcos-sian bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but SBC, Claps, is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I am talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP! Clappy: Are you finished? Tvguy: Yeah. Clappy: Good. I’m not talking to you, anymore, either, so if you want the strike to end, you’ll have to send somebody new. (Clappy hangs up.) Tvguy: (sighs) How many teachers can we hire on short notice? Jjs: In March? About zero. Tvguy: Damn it! I’m left no choice, then. I have to call JCM. Jjs: JCM? Why? Tvguy: The last time the teachers went on strike, he managed to fix it. I don’t know why, but he’s a good luck charm. Jjs: Tvguy, I was your vice principal then, and I remember the strike ending despite his stupidity, not because of it! Tvguy: Maybe this bald cap squeezing my head in combination with the copious amount of drugs I’ve done is affecting my decision making, but I’m still bringing JCM in. Jjs: If you do that, superintendent, you’ll have to fire me. Tvguy: Okay. (Tvguy starts dialing JCM’s number on his cell phone.) Jjs: Wait! I was just kidding! Fuck! JCM: (on the phone) Hello? Tvguy: Hey, JCM, It’s me, tvguy. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? JCM: (laughs) Yeah, it has! So, what are you calling about? Tvguy: The teachers at SBC are striking again, and I need you to get them to stop. JCM: What’s in it for me? Tvguy: I’ll make you a teacher again. Jjs: No! No! Don’t! JCM: You’ve got a deal! Tvguy: Great! The union office is right across the street from the Taco Bell near the school. You remember where that is? JCM: Of course! My stomach is still irreparably harmed from the number of times I’ve had lunch there! Tvguy: (chuckles) Mine, too, JCM. Mine, too. Once you’re at the union office, just tell Clappy you’re there to negotiate on behalf of the school, and he’ll set everything up from there. JCM: Will do! Tvguy: And make sure to get the best deal you can for us! Teachers may be quitting and demanding raises everywhere, but other schools don’t have a weapon like you to use against them. JCM: Oh, tvguy, I’m blushing. Nobody’s called me a weapon before. Jjs: (rolls eyes) Get a room! Tvguy: We’re both counting on you, JCM. Now, get it done! (An hour later, JCM walks into tvguy’s office.) Tvguy: You got the deal done? JCM: Yep! Here are the papers! (JCM gives tvguy a thick manilla envelope.) Tvguy: I knew we could count on you! Jjs: What exactly were the terms you agreed to? JCM: They didn’t make it easy, but I managed to talk them down from a 20% raise to a 30% one. (Tvguy drops the envelope, and jjs starts laughing hysterically.) Tvguy: JCM…you do realize that 30% is more than 20%, right? JCM: No! (pauses) No? Tvguy: (sighs) Well, that’s what I get for expecting lightning to strike twice. Jjs: Can we fire JCM again? Pretty please? Tvguy: Sorry, I’m a man of my word. JCM is officially your problem again. JCM: Yay! Jjs: (sighs) I knew I should have become a plumber. I’d be scooping up a lot less shit than I am right now. Tvguy: Speaking of shit, who wants Taco Bell and all the negative repercussions of Taco Bell on me? JCM: I do! Jjs: If you’re paying, I guess I’ll have some, too. (Tvguy, jjs, and JCM start to walk out of the office.) Tvguy: You knew I was just kidding about it being on me, right? Jjs: Goddamn it! (The End)

JCM Joins a Protest (JCM and his dad are watching Tucker Tuckerson Tonight on Faux News.) Tucker: …and that’s why skinny jeans are destroying America. Speaking of things that are destroying America, I have troubling news out of Circuit City, where Clapmaster, social studies teacher at the SpongeBob Community School, has been teaching his students something awful. According to my sources, he’s been telling kids that the patriots who built this great country owned black people as slaves! JCM: (gasps) He would never! Tucker: I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard it, too. Slavery? What is this, ancient Egypt? We cannot let him continue to spread these vicious lies, which is why I’ll be sponsoring a protest at that school tomorrow. And speaking of sponsors, it’s time for us to pay our bills. Commercial: CAN’T GET YOUR DICK UP? WE’VE GOT JUST THE THING FOR YOU! JCM: Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Dad, can you drive me to the protest at SBC tomorrow? JCM’s dad: What happened to your scooter? JCM: I wrecked it again. Trees keep popping up out of nowhere! JCM’s dad: The next scooter is coming out of your allowance! (The next day, JCM is dropped off at the SpongeBob Community School, which has thousands of protestors in front of it, most of them old, white, and male.) Protestors: Fire Clappy! Fire Clappy! (Jjs and Clappy walk out of the school with annoyed expressions.) Jjs: What will it take to get rid of you all? Protestors: Fire Clappy! JCM: Yeah! What they said! Jjs: JCM? Are you responsible for this? JCM: No, the great Tucker Tuckerson is! Jjs: The Faux News host? Figured he would have better things to do than to send these idiots after us. Protestors: Boo! JCM: We’re not idiots! We have legible aggreances! Jjs: I taught you English for five years, JCM. You can do better than that. JCM: We’re here because instead of teaching history, Clappy has been teaching his students fibs! Jjs: Clappy, is this true? Clappy: Of course it isn’t! What “fibs” have I been teaching? JCM: According to Tucker, you’ve been telling kids that white people in this country owned black people as…sorry. I’m trying to keep it together. (One of the protesters give a sobbing JCM a tissue which he then blows his nose into.) JCM: As slaves! Clappy: And? I’ve been telling my kids that because that’s what actually happened. Protestors: Boo! (Suddenly, a limo appears behind the protestors, and Tucker Tuckerson walks out of it. The protestors’ boos turn into cheers.) Tucker: Please, please. I don’t deserve all of this attention, but it’s certainly appreciated, and it couldn’t hurt to give me some more. Clappy: Call off the dogs, Tucker. Tucker: Or what? Clappy: Or I’ll tell everyone who you really are. (Tucker starts to look around nervously.) Tucker: What…what are you talking about? Clappy: Jjs, do you have some Molotov cocktails on you? Jjs: Of course! (Jjs takes a Molotov cocktail out of each pocket.) Jjs: Never leave home without them. Protestor 1: What are you doing? Clappy: Think fast! (Clappy takes the Molotov cocktails from Jjs and throws them at Tucker, forcing him to freeze them with his ice powers.) Tucker: Shit. (The protesters gasp as Tucker transforms into Elsa.) JCM: Elsa? Why would you pretend to be a Faux News host all this time? Elsa: (shrugs) I was bored. Protestor 1: We’ve been taking orders from a woman this whole time? Protestor 2: That’s bullshit! (The protestors leave in disgust. JCM runs to Elsa sobbing again.) JCM: Was it all a lie? Was everything you told your loyal Faux News viewers this entire time a lie? Elsa: Well, not everything. I did actually think Vaporeon was the hottest Pokémon, but since I’m being honest now, I’m feeling Gardevoir a little more these days. Clappy: …fuck this. I’m out. (Clappy goes back into the school, and jjs follows him.) Elsa: Now that I’m thinking about Gardevoir again, I’m going home to do…stuff. (Elsa disappears in a burst of ice.) JCM: (looks around) Can somebody call me an Uber? (The End)

Act V (In realistic Bikini Bottom, several versions of SpongeBob walk into a dilapidated building with Ianus. They find Realistic SpongeBob playing poker with members of his gang inside. Once they hear the visitors, Realistic SpongeBob and the gang members immediately stand up and pull out their guns.) Ianus: Wait, wait! We come in peace! Realistic SpongeBob: Who are you? And why are you with a bunch of fellas that look like me? SpongeBob: It's Patrick! He's in danger and we have to save him! Realistic SpongeBob: I don't give a shit about Patrick! Ianus: Well, do you care about your universe? Because if you don't come and help us, there's a very good chance that it will be destroyed. (Realistic SpongeBob scratches his chin.) Realistic SpongeBob: Well, I can't argue with a two-headed frog and a buncha clones of me. Put your guns down, boys. I'll be back. Gangster: You sure? Realistic SpongeBob: Yeah. (Realistic SpongeBob joins the other SpongeBobs and Ianus as they head to the rift in front of Realistic Patrick's apartment building.) Realistic SpongeBob: We're going into that thing? CGI SpongeBob: Yup! Realistic SpongeBob: Is it too late to turn back? Lego SpongeBob: Yup! (Ianus and the SpongeBobs go into the rift, and they're transported to the universe where everything is chrome.) Ianus: Evil Patrick should be over there. (As Ianus points, he realizes that his hand is disappearing.) Ianus: Oh, no. Since I've died in this universe already, it seems I'm not allowed back in it. SpongeBob: What? Ianus: (chuckles) It's nice to learn something new after being alive for thousands of years. PSS SpongeBob: How are we supposed to stop this Evil Patrick without your help? (Ianus looks down and sees the rest of his body dissolving.) Ianus: I'm not sure, but either way, you will have to go on without me. (After Ianus completely disappears, the SpongeBobs walk in the direction Ianus was pointing.) Realistic SpongeBob: That toad better not get us killed. (The SpongeBobs continue walking until they find a large building, the only one they've seen so far that isn't covered in chrome.) SpongeBob: This must be where our Patricks are! (The SpongeBobs run into the building to find that all of the Paticks except Evil Patrick are tied up.) Patrick: SpongeBob! And...SpongeBob! And...SpongeBob! Evil Patrick: SpongeBob? Patrick: That's what I just said. Evil Patrick: Ianus' plan for stopping me is sending the idiot friends of my alter egos? CGI SpongeBob: We think...you're so mad because you never had an idiot friend of your own. Lego SpongeBob: So let us be your idiot friends! Evil Patrick: Hard pass. SpongeBob: Come on! We didn't come all the way here to take "no" for an answer! We even brought a gift! Evil Patrick: (laughs) What gift? (CGI SpongeBob takes out a jar with a CGI jellyfish inside of it.) CGI SpongeBob: Wanna go... (PSS SpongeBob takes out two jellyfishing nets.) PSS SpongeBob: Jellyfishing? Evil Patrick: No, not really. SpongeBob: Come on! You'll love it! 3D sponge, let 'er rip! (CGI SpongeBob opens the jar, and the jellyfish flies out.) Evil Patrick: Wait! (The jellyfish stings Evil Patrick before flying to the machine connected to the monitor.) Evil Patrick: No! (The jellyfish stings the machine, causing it to malfunction. Evil Patrick shoos the jellyfish away and tries to get the machine working again, but the jellyfish flies back to him and stings him twice as hard.) CGI SpongeBob: Aww, he likes you. (Evil Patrick takes out his knife and stabs the jellyfish with it, getting jam all over the keyboard and machine.) Evil Patrick: Damn it! CGI SpongeBob: You monster! You killed him! (Evil Patrick tries to type on the keyboard, but all of the keys are stuck. He looks at the monitor, which is no longer flashing red.) Evil Patrick: I'm going to kill you next, you annoying, ugly sponge, you! (Evil Patrick runs to CGI SpongeBob with his knife and stabs as quickly as possible, but CGI SpongeBob is able to create a gap in his torso before evil Patrick can pierce it, and OG SpongeBob extends an arm to snatch the knife from Evil Patrick's hand before he can use it again.) Evil Patrick: Now I really wish I had a SpongeBob so I could have known that you could do that. Realistic Patrick: Quick! Get us out of this rope! (SpongeBob tosses the knife to Realistic SpongeBob, and he uses it to release all of the Patricks, cutting Realistic Patrick out of his bounds last.) Realistic Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob. Realistic SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick. (Suddenly, the monitor turns off, and sparks fly out of the machine.) Lego Patrick: It's about to blow! CGI Patrick: Let's get out of here! (All of the Patrick except for Evil Patrick run out of the building, and all of the SpongeBobs except the original SpongeBob follow them.) SpongeBob: Aren't you coming with us? Evil Patrick: (crying) No. Just leave me here and save yourself. (SpongeBob turns around and starts to leave the building, but as he hears Evil Patrick sob behind him, he sighs and turns around again.) SpongeBob: Here's the thing about us SpongeBobs: we never leave our Patricks behind. (Realistic SpongeBob is about to go into the building to get the original SpongeBob, but he stops just outside the door to listen to the rest of SpongeBob's speech.) SpongeBob: My Patrick helps me be the best version of me, and I'm sorry you never had a SpongeBob to help you be the best version of you, but that doesn't mean you can't be better. You still have a lifetime to experience the kind of love that only a best friend forever can bring you. (SpongeBob takes his friendship ring out of his pocket and presses a button to open it, causing miniature figurines of SpongeBob and Patrick to pop out and spin around the ring.) Figurines: (singing) It's the best friends forever, best friends forever ring! SpongeBob: So if you're going to stay in here, I'm going to stay in here, too! I'm going to make sure you experience a taste of this wonderful friendship even if it kills both of us! Evil Patrick: Please. Just go away. SpongeBob: Nuh-uh! (Evil Patrick looks at the machine, which is shaking now with sparks still flying out of it, and he looks at SpongeBob, who Evil Patrick can tell from his face has the resolve not to leave without him.) Evil Patrick: (sighs) Okay. You win. Let's get out of here. (Realistic SpongeBob catches up to the other SpongeBobs and Patricks as SpongeBob and Evil Patrick leave the building. About a minute later, the building explodes.) Lego SpongeBob: Now, how do we get back? Evil Patrick: With this. (Evil Patrick takes a small mechanical timer out of his pocket.) Patrick: How do I know what number to set it to? Evil Patrick: You're a Patrick. You know. (Evil Patrick gives the original Patrick the timer, and Patrick immediately knows where to set the dial for it. He then grabs SpongeBob's hand.) SpongeBob: Are you sure you've got it right? Patrick: Nope! (SpongeBob and Patrick then disappear, leaving the timer behind.) PSS SpongeBob: I...guess it's our turn. (SpongeBob gives the timer to the namesake of The Patrick Star Show, and he sets the timer without thinking, just like the original Patrick. After they disappear, CGI SpongeBob and CGI Patrick go through the same process, and after they're one, Lego SpongeBob and Lego Patrick do the same.) Realistic Patrick: I guess that leaves us. Realistic SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick? Realistic Patrick: Yeah? Realistic SpongeBob: I'm sorry...for everything. When we get back, I'm gonna wind down the business and take drugs off the streets for good. (Realistic Patrick nods.) Realistic SpongeBob: And Patrick... (Realistic SpongeBob takes his friendship ring out of his shirt pocket.) Realistic SpongeBob: Apparently, there's a pair of these in every dimension, so they ain't as special as I thought. (Realistic Patrick takes the ring back and smiles.) Realistic Patrick: It's still special to me. Evil Patrick: (sniffs) You two better get going...before your universe starts to miss you. Realistic Patrick: Hey, man. You'll find a friend of your own. I thought friends were worthless before I came here, but now I'm starting to realize...they're worth everything. The only meaningful change I've had in my life is because of this yellow dude here, and even though he can piss me off a lot, I don't know where I would be without him. Evil Patrick: Trying to destroy the entire multiverse, maybe? Realistic Patrick: (chuckles) Yeah, maybe. (Realistic Patrick puts on his friendship ring and hugs Realistic SpongeBob.) Realistic Patrick: I forgive you, and I love you. (Realistic Patrick then hugs Evil Patrick, surprising him.) Realistic Patrick: I forgive you, and I love you. Evil Patrick: (crying) I...I... Realistic Patrick: No matter what happens, know you've got a friend in our dimension. Realistic SpongeBob: Friends. You've got friends in our dimension. (Realistic Patrick turns the dial of the timer until he knows that he has set it correctly. He then grabs Realistic SpongeBob's hand, and they both wave at Evil Patrick before disappearing. Evil Patrick wipes the last of his tears away, picks up the timer, and turns its dial again before disappearing with it. In the Bikini Bottom from the original show, SpongeBob and Patrick are blowing bubbles in the park when a cop approaches them.) Cop: Hey, starfish, we need to ask you some questions about that rift. Patrick: What rift? (The cop looks up at the now-empty sky.) Cop: Uh...never mind. (SpongeBob and Patrick laugh.) SpongeBob: It sure is nice to be back in our own universe! Patrick: You can say that again! (A poorly-drawn version of SpongeBob walks in front of them.) DoodlyBob: It sure is nice to be back in our own universe! SpongeBob: Patrick, are you okay? (DoodlyBob disappears.) Patrick: Yeah...sure...totally...I think? (The End)