Steel Sponge

Squirrel Jelly is based, actually.

We Are Fucking Fucked - Muse

The Day The Earth Blew Up

SPECIAL: Chemist Bob's First (and Only) Nostalgia Critic Riff-tacular Steel: So…it’s been awhile since I last mentioned the Nostalgia Critic…okay, no, that’s a lie. Even though I’ve said numerous times that I’ve wanted to move on from NC or that I’ve had, I haven’t really. Nostalgia Critic, and as well as Doug Walker, the very person behind that moniker, has been an endless source to SBC’s own entertainment, so it would come to no surprise that you get this feeling that you’d want to...well, check on someone, may it be an old friend, an old enemy, or…someone who happens to be be both of those things to you. There’s been a renewed interest in discussing the Nostalgia Critic, and because of that, let me just say...this might be the worst time for me to rip off the bandage and disclose the nature of this one-time riff, but… This will not be me dragging Doug/NC through the mud. I’ve done that already for Riffing Theater and on my own top 20 worst NC reviews analysis and I don’t need to do that again. But also keep in mind that this is not Doug/NC rehabilitation either. So what will this be then? This will just be me poking fun at the Nostalgia Critic for old time’s sake, and I’m going to keep things mostly lighthearted with my roasts. Now the question here is why am I doing this? Over the course of The Critic Chronicles, my riffs towards the Nostalgia Critic have been mostly bitter remarks towards Doug and the series that I’ve grown to regret being a fan of after the #ChangeTheChannel drama. I’ve had my retribution from when I looked back at The Dark Side of the Herd as badly-written NC posturing, in which it caused my growing hatred of NC at the time, but now…I’m willing to move past that grudge. And yes, I know, it’s way too late for me to make this course correction when I don’t have to commit to it, but I have come to terms that I’ve held a little too much vendetta towards NC and Doug Walker and I feel like the most mature thing to do in looking back at NC now is to go back to one of his older videos without all the bitterness, as a way of properly making my peace with him. Now don’t get the wrong idea, this isn’t necessarily revisionism for my old NC riffs. Like I have said before, I may not be proud of everything I wrote for it, but what’s done is done. The Critic Chronicles was a collaborative project that brought us all together, so of course I can’t show any regrets for taking part in it. In fact, Doug Walker himself has actually shown to have a good sense of humor and that does suggest that he wouldn’t be so mad about all the potshots I’ve made towards him. With all that said though, and as hard as it may be to believe in terms of Doug and the Nostalgia Critic, a lot can change in seven years. I’m not going to write off any of Doug’s wrongdoings behind the scenes and I’m still going to hold his worst reviews on a pedestal, but I will openly say that I can’t deny the impact he’s had, or dare I say…I have nostalgia for the Nostalgia Critic. And I think wanting to take a different approach in mocking the NC speaks to me of how I’ve become somewhat of a different person than I was during the time where I just hated Doug’s own guts and really wanted to tear him to shreds. FFS, the biggest critic of Doug/NC that I knew ended up being way more unhinged than him, and perhaps a worse person than him, and it really made me think a lot of times if I ever came off as unhinged with my past riffs on NC. From Doug Walker’s cameo on Smiling Friends, to the Critic being explicitly referenced in one particular episode of The Patrick Star Show (both of which I definitely ate up), to me still continuing to crack jokes about NC’s dumbest moments to this day…I can’t keep pretending anymore that I stopped caring about him. So, of course, this is going to be my pull game here: No obsessing over Doug’s/Critic’s past, no being viscerally angry towards the Nostalgia Critic’s stupidity, no personal attacks on Doug himself, may it be for his reviewing ability or for his appearance, no trying to put a particular bad review on a higher shelf than his other bad reviews, and no trying to one-up him (the live-action Jungle Book riffs where I tried to show my acquired knowledge for the book as “gotcha!” moments, nagging him for constantly using the word ‘but’ in his counter-arguments, and making a no-effort drawing of Chemist Bob giving him the middle finger was pretentious Steel Sponge hours in hindsight, I’m sorry). All that I will pretty much do is poke fun at the review itself – to which I’m going to do just this once. And I chose an interesting NC episode to riff on – and that is his AOSTH/Sonic SATAM double review. I chose that review specifically because it happens to be the first Nostalgia Critic review that I was ever exposed to. It didn’t leave me feeling enamored by the series at first, so I did propose this review as a potential candidate for Riffing Theater. Now that I do have my own riffing series, that leaves me with the grand ol opportunity to riff it, and here’s the catch: I’m not going to be the one riffing it. In the classic Nostalgia Critic tradition, I’m going to let a character, who of course resembles too much like me to be considered a character, to do the riffing here. So if I can just drag him over here for a second… Chemist Bob: ...No, I don’t want to-! …UUUGH. As it seems, my creator has gotten me attached to mocking the Nostalgia Critic. I’ve definitely heard of him, but until recently, I never gave it the thought to devote my time to any of his reviews. I can tell that he’s also not very well-liked at all. Surely, that will make for some very interesting commentary. Let’s see what he has to say about the Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons. (NC sits in his room, horrified. After a long pause, he begins without his opening line.) Oh...um, did a cartoon about an anthropomorphic blue hedgehog really break him this much? I was told he usually started his reviews with “Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don’t have to!” Come on, say the line! NC: (quietly) I consider myself a man of decent logic. A man who has a fairly firm grasp on the perceptions of reality. A man who's down to Earth, and lives in the realms of the real world. From what I could guess, Sonic the Hedgehog was so bad that you lost your grasp on reality, gotcha. (Another short pause, then inhales deeply and speaks in a much firmer tone) UNTIL TODAY, when that reality was CHALLENGED by a blue, tinted hedgehog and his flying fox… (calms down) with two tails. Not sure what’s so devastating about a blue hedgehog and his fox buddy that you had to make us sit down for this, but…proceed. (Relaxes, and speaks in a normal tone) This...is the gateway to madness...that the world of children's programming has chosen to call...The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. Well...whatever harm this show could have done to make you feel this sort of way, I’m afraid you’ve already lost me. (Cut to the title screen of the DIC series, followed by a montage of clips from the show played to the opening theme music, which is a combination of the opening Sonic theme from his first game, and the classical pieces In the Hall of the Mountain King and Flight of the Bumblebee.) And let’s not forget about “Last Friday Night” either… NC (vo): Imagine coming across a mentally disabled person who was not only criminally insane, but was also drunk, high and had a whole-frontal lobotomy leaving little to no intelligence left in his brain. ...How about we don’t? NC: (loudly and affirmatively) He would be NORMAL compared to The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. ‘The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog transcends being mentally insane’...is certainly a take. So, what's wrong with this show? (beat) What's right with this show!? That's the shorter answer! Pingas. But that’s my relatively short answer to your rhetorical question. (Cut to another montage of clips with the theme music.) NC (vo): It's actually hard to come up with words to describe how bat-shit crazy this show is, it is that crazy. So all that you’ve already said about The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog bending the rules of logic by every means, that wasn’t words being used to describe this show? NC: So, rather than talk about it, let's go ahead and try and watch it. The key word being "try". Fine by you, I wasn’t planning on trying to take your critiques any seriously anyway. (Cut to the beginning of the show's opening sequence, where Sonic the Hedgehog & Miles “Tails” Prower wake up from bunk beds and rush around, even surprising the Sun itself which has a face) MR. SUN CAME UP AND HE SMILED AT ME- Oh wait, I forgot the memo from my creator that the Critic delves into referential humor. I should probably lay low on that. NC (vo): So here's the opening of the show, which I suppose is supposed to sum up what the show is about. Yes, that’s exactly what all television title sequences do. Unless you're Regular Show. (Flows into a fast-paced edit of the opening sequence showing all the times Sonic or his name appears in it. When he or his name appears on-screen, NC responds.) NC (vo): (mock-excitedly) Look, it's Sonic! Sonic! We got a lot of Sonic! Hello, Sonic! Sonic! Hey, lots of Sonic, lots of Sonic! Hey, Sonic! Sonic! C'mon we all love Sonic, Sonic. NC: (sarcastically) Well, that explained everything. Well yes, but you forgot about the flying fox and the egg-shaped man and his robots trying to catch him. (Cut to a montage of clips featuring Sonic running, Sonic running alongside Tails flying, a robot bounty hunter ripping the wall off a house, a panoramic scroll of inside Robotnik's fortress, a chili-dog stand robot rising on a metal pole and a street full of crooked buildings.) NC (vo): So the show takes place in Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land.* I call it that because clearly you look at the backgrounds, knowing the creators just threw up their arms and shouted "really, who gives a shit?" To be fair, when you’re working on a cartoon that’s on a bit of a shoestring budget with an order of 65 episodes for a one-year syndicated run while the rest of the budget is put into the other Sonic cartoon…you may as well have every reason to materialize Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land into existence. Actual name of the show’s setting is Planet Mobius Thank you script writer for the information for the show’s setting that may as well actually be Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land. (Cut to a clip of Sonic and Tails stopping atop a small hill to look at a small collection of buildings in the distance.) Sonic: Civilization! Tails: Boy, I thought we'd never find it. NC: Civilization? Where? What, you mean those couple of... (Cut back to the view of the city.) NC (vo): ...building blocks in the distance? That's supposed to be a city? Did you expect any less from Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land? NC: Oh, yeah, one of the great architectural designs of cinema. (cut to a view of Gotham City from Batman (1989)) Gotham City, (cut to a view of the Castle of Gondor from Lord of the Rings) the Castle of Gondor, (cut back to AoStH's city) shitty-ass bricks. (sarcastically) I can't wait to see more! Oh yeah…a city that appears to be a real cityscape used as a set for a live-action superhero flick and very detailed-looking live-action architecture for a movie that came out nearly 10 years after AOSTH...all pitted against the animated backdrop of a city out in the distance from a shoestring-budgeted cartoon. Definitely a fair comparison! The proper name is Minas Tirith. Gondor is the country the castle is in. Given the thought process that the Critic had to compare that to “shitty-ass bricks,” I guess I wouldn’t be surprised that he wouldn’t know the proper name. (Cut to another montage of clips from the show featuring Sonic speeding into the distance, Sonic knocking over some robots, Sonic and Tails running away from a pack of robots, a pack of robots interacting and then running to the left and Scratch and Grounder performing a ring-around-the-rosie victory dance whilst cheering "we did it, we did it".) He must hate this show so much if even a clip of two robots making merry together is making his blood boil. NC (vo): Now I know what you might be thinking. "Aren't you just showing the opening of the show again?" Nope, this is literally all the show is, just chasing and yelling. It's like a cartoon for kids that have Tourette's syndrome. Yikes…you already suggested that this show is below having any shred of mental capacity, but you didn’t have to take it out on a group of people who do have mental disorders. (Cut to a zoom-in of Sonic talking to Tails.) NC (vo): So the show stars Sonic, duh, And all this time, I thought he was talking about Knuckles the Echidna. fresh (cut to the title screen of the video game Sonic the Hedgehog) from the hit video game off the SEGA Genesis. (cut to several clips of Sonic talking to Tails) He's voiced by none other than Jaleel White. That's right, (cut to a picture of White as Urkel) Urkel from Family Matters. (Cut to a clip of Sonic and Tails taunting towards the camera.) Sonic: (tauntingly) I seeeee yooooou! NC: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, 'cause Urkel's voice was such a delight to listen to, wasn't it? Hey, if you think that’s bad, Sonic Underground has Jaleel voicing all three of the main characters. (Cut to an edited clip of Sonic confronting Scratch and Grounder, with Sonic's lines being dubbed over by Urkel's voice.) Urkel: (from Family Matters) All I care about in this park is the safety of the kids! I shall be forced to verbally castigate you in front of your peers! Kids, there’s nothing more cool than- (Cut to clips of Sonic interacting with Tails.) NC (vo): He's accompanied by his sidekick Tails, a little fox who can fly around because he was born with two tails. NC: (slowly, confused) Makes sense to me. It’s Sonic the freaking Hedgehog! It’s not supposed to make sense! (Cut to clips of Doctor Eggman (called Doctor Robotnik in the West for the first few games and shows, including this one.)) No, it’s okay, transcript writer, you can call him Doctor Robotnik. NC (vo): They're out to stop the evil Robotnik, who seems to live in a house (cut to an exterior shot of Robotnik's fortress) designed by Frank Lloyd Wrong. Ha-ha, it’s supposed to be Frank Lloyd Wright, but you said Frank Lloyd Wrong, I get it. (cut to a clip of Robotnik) His evil plan is to -- you guessed it -- take over the world. (Cut back to NC's room, where he looks annoyed.) NC: (dismissively) No, I'm not going to do it. I'm sick of that joke. Y'know, it was funny at first, but now it's just getting annoying. Oh, so this guy had already run one of his own jokes to the ground before this review? That doesn’t seem like a good sign. So you are never going to hear that joke ag- (Suddenly the Bison "Of course" clip tries to push its way in from the left, but NC pushes it aside. The clip then tries to push itself in from the bottom, but NC pushes it away with difficulty.) Hehehe, it's going to take more than that to stop - (The clip drops down from the top and lands on NC, and then plays.) Bison: OF COURSE! NC: (offscreen, muffled) Fucking joke. You see, the joke is that the Critic got tired one of his old jokes that he doesn’t want to repeat it, so the joke is rebelling and doing its thing against his better judgments, but you see, the Critic is also self-aware that he’s pitted this on himself! Don’t you just love unsubtle self-referential hypocritical jokes like this!? (Cut to clips of Robotnik.) NC (vo): So Robotnik isn't really as much a dictator as much as a comic foil for Sonic to make fun of. But what do you expect when you dress like Santa Claus' sadomasochistic gimp brother? You mean Robotnik has never looked like Santa Claus’ sadomasochistic gimp brother in any other Sonic media? (Clip of Robotnik pacing on a stage.) Robotnik: One trouble-making teenager has made me tear every hair from (indicates his head) my beautiful head! (Robotnik presses a button on a remote control and curtains part to reveal a picture of Sonic to the booing crowd.) NC (vo): (as Robotnik bares his teeth at the camera revealing the word "HATE" before they crack and shatter to pieces) Wow, he hates him so much that he actually tattooed the word "HATE" right on his very teeth. NC: (impressed) That's a lot of hate. That was my initial reaction over you being excessively angry over a cartoon about the wacky hi jinks of a running blue hedgehog. (Cut to clips of Robotnik and his army of robots.) NC (vo): He tries to stop him by building robots that are designed to kill and destroy. (panoramic scroll of the robot army) These machines are so lame, I'd doubt they'd make it (cut to the stage select screen of Mega Man 3) as half-baked Mega Man villains. (Suddenly the level intro begins with one of Robotnik's robots jumping into the center, with the name "Do You Even Care?" appearing below it.) Is There Anybody Who Cares? That’s the shorter answer! NC (vo): (cut to a clip of Robotnik with his henchmen) Two of the robots created are a (cut to clip of Scratch) robotic chicken named Scratch, and... (cut to a clip of Grounder)... whatever the hell this is...named Grounder. (cut to a clip of Scratch and Grounder) And if you thought Sonic's voice was annoying, just listen to this ear sodomy. (* The voice actors are Phil Hayes and Garry Chalk.) Thanks for the heads-up, transcript writer. Scratch: Hey, fastdraw, you missed!! BA-HA-HA! Grounder: (holding his glue gun to Scratch) I'll glue your yap shut! (Cut to NC, who puts his fingers in his ears and groans.) NC (vo): How do I describe the voices of these two? You ever tell your side of a story where you're trying to make the other person you're talking about sound really obnoxious? NC: (voice slightly deeper) So I'm sitting there, just talking to my friends, when suddenly, the teacher walks in and is like... (mocking Scratch, wagging finger) What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in class? Plot twist: His teacher happens to actually be Scratch. Scratch: He made me persistent. He made you too dumb to quit! NC: And then my idiot friend is like, (mocking Grounder) Duh, I don't know. I thought it started later. Hey, that’s a pretty good Grounder impresssion, Critic! Grounder: Yeah, the chase is over! NC: You make them sound annoying for a reason. (beat) THEY ANNOY YOU!! NC (vo): There's also a monkey named Coconuts who wants to capture Sonic on his own, often declaring war on the speedy little hedgehog. Coconuts: I declare open season on hedgehogs! NC: I don't know why, but this vengeful war-hungry monkey always reminded me of George W. Bush. (Shows Coconuts next to a picture of President Bush.) Maybe it's the cowboy hat. I don't know. Ah yes, because when I think about a robot monkey wearing a cowboy hat trying to hunt down a blue hedgehog, the image of George W. Bush always springs to my mind. Rumor has it that Coconuts was based on his very likeness. Coconuts: You can run, but you can't hide, hedgehog! NC: (imitating George W. Bush) He's got weapons of mass acceleration. And let's not forget my personal favorite quote from Dubya Bush, “This shit is bananas!” NC (vo): The way Sonic always gets out of their traps is by running, of course, and putting on several disguises, as the bad guys never seem to realize there's a lot of blue overdressed hedgehogs in the neighborhood recently. I reckon Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land is exceedingly populated with blue hedgehogs. Very simple yet common mistake. Sonic: (dressed as a circus ring leader) Don't crowd. Don't push. Admission is free. (Sonic opens the tent and the bad guys run in, only to fall off a cliff. Sonic walks to the edge to confirm they fell over.) NC: (sighs) Well, that came out of nowhere. NC (vo): I love how he actually winks to the audience to point out that it's him under that costume. Because he's such a master of disguise that we really needed the extra hint. I don’t know about you, but he would’ve had me fooled too. (Cut to a clip of Sonic with a bad guy robot. Sonic runs up to the robot.) Sonic: I'm over there. (Sonic points in opposite direction, the robot looks as Sonic runs away, leaving the robot to scratch his head.) NC: How does that work? With all fairness, why even keep questioning the logic of a cartoon that clearly has none whatsoever? I don't care how stupid you are! If you just say, "I'm over there", nobody's gonna go, "Oh, he's over there!" Sonic is clearly a master of disguise and deception, so I shouldn’t question that either. Even the mentally ill aren't that stupid! And you need to stop bringing mental health into the conversation. If there’s anything more annoying or tedious than the cartoon itself, it’s that. (Cut to clip of the show, now focusing on the animation.) NC (vo): Look at this animation, by the way. There is no thought, focus or structure to any of it. This isn't animation, it's fucking doodling. I don't want to watch something that's less entertaining than something I drew on my desk in high school. Allow me to see your high school desk drawings and then we’ll have this talk on whether or not the animation had less effort put into it. Sonic: Guess you guys won't be staying for a second show. NC: (smiling) You got that right. Since we still have more than half of the review to go through…I’m pretty confident that the Critic is going to eat his own words later on. NC (vo): So the whole show is pretty much just evil robots trying to set up traps to catch Sonic and how the traps always seem to backfire. Gee, does that sound familiar at all? (Cut to a screenshot of Wile E. Coyote who brandishes a sign that says "Lame" on it.) I’m afraid to inform you that Wile E. might be directing this towards you, Critic. NC (vo): Unlike the Road Runner, though, this show has the misfortune of having people speak; obviously, a very big mistake. Well, of course. If you take out the whole dialogue aspect of AOSTH, there'd be no point in making it about Sonic when you can just make it about the coyote and Road Runner. Scratch: Look, here comes the hedgehog! Get ready to nab him! (Sonic and Tails run towards Scratch and Grounder. A fight cloud erupts.) Grounder: I got him! (The smoke clears and Grounder and Scratch are in their own traps.) Grounder: I thought you had him! Scratch: I thought you had him! NC: Oh, God. Tom and Jerry had a plot compared to this. "You know, this reminds me exactly of those classic dialogue-less cat and mouse cartoons, but way worse!" NC (vo): As you probably gathered, this show has absolutely no basis or logic or reason, I know you know! I got it. I got the concept. After all these times you’ve addressed this point, you don’t need to keep hammering it in, but do proceed to tell us why you think a show that has no basis or logic or reason drives you up the wall because of its illogicality. but there are just really some things that go beyond the boundaries of comprehension. (Cut to another scene of the show with Sonic and Tails napping under a tree.) A blue hedgehog and a two-tailed fox...napping under a tree!? Blasphemy! Nonsense beyond the bounds of comprehension! NC (vo): Like watch this scene as they try to setup yet another trap. (Grounder comes around the corner and blows into his hand to produce in his other a pumpkin.) NC: (VERY confused) What?!?! Pumpkin?!?!? P-pumpkin?!?!? What?!?!? What?!?!?! What?!? (beat) Pumpkin, what??!?! I take it that you’ve never seen or heard of a pumpkin before? NC (vo): I DON'T CARE WHAT DRUG-INDUCED LAND YOU'RE IN, you cannot blow in your hand and come up with a pumpkin. I don’t know about you, but I would like to able to blow into my hand and make a pumpkin appear. How did you even come to that conclusion?! Honestly, I think the bigger question here is why of all ideas for a plan to catch a speedy blue hedgehog, why did Grounder come up with blowing into his drill for a hand and making a pumpkin? But then again, it’s Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. OF COURSE it’s not going to make sense. The pure nonsense of Alice in Wonderland would’ve given you a heart attack. NC: I mean, what's next? He's gonna blow into his hand and a beautiful woman is gonna come out?! (...Which Scratch, pulling a string on his hand, then proceeds to actually do, which actually does look quite disturbing. NC is just as stunned as before.) NC: WHAAAAAAAA...?! Hey, you asked if he could blow into his hand and make a woman and you got your answer. NC (vo): How can you blow into your hand and make a woman?! Why are you even chasing hedgehogs if you could blow into your hand and make a woman?! I suppose any other job in Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land that offers payment to employees who can blow into their hands to make a woman don’t pay well enough as Dr. Robotnik does, and yet he verbally abuses his two robot henchmen every time they mess up. And besides, you got to take advantage of a hedgehog’s horniness somehow… It does NOT ADD UP! NC: My God! How do you even advertise a show like this? I mean, what did the commercials look like? What didn’t the commercials look like? That’s the shorter answer! (The opening is shown with the Critic narrating over it.) NC (vo): Hey, kids! Ren and Stimpy making too much sense for ya? You know, that comparison actually isn’t so far off once you notice that some of the people who worked on R&S also happened to have once upon a time worked on this show in particular after Games Animation took over production on R&S, including Vincent Waller, who worked as a storyboard artist on AOSTH. Then put on The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. You'll love this cosmic out-of-body raping of your senses. It's like a Japanese show in English, only you still have no idea what's going on. I can tell why this ad was never approved for television. You must be at least this high to watch. (A picture of Chester A. Bum is shown when the Critic says "this high.") So in other words, in other to be able to enjoy AOSTH, you must be an actual Nostalgia Critic character. Gotcha. NC (vo): One of the running jokes, I guess, is that Sonic always has a thing for chili dogs. Running gag? Do you mean character trait? Tails: Where are we? Sonic: A long way from the nearest chili dog stand. Two chili dogs to go! Tails: Can we find some more chili dogs? Sonic: Two dozen chili dogs. Coconuts: You've munched your last chili dog! Sonic: ...buy chili dogs from that guy. NC: You know, at least with other cartoons, there's some sort of rhyme or reason: I think the reasoning here is that Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land has more chili dog stands than people. Bugs Bunny with carrots, Winnie-the-Pooh and honey...a blue hedgehog, and chili dogs? What's the connection? Yeah, you’re right! We need to go back to when food preferences of cartoon characters used to make sense, like fat orange cat and lasagnas….and radioactively super-powered teen-aged turtles and pizzas, and uhhhh….a Peruvian bear and marmalade sandwiches…? Okay, so they didn’t always make sense back then, but the fact of the matter is that the show needs to make a blue hedgehog’s love for chili dogs make sense! Oh, and by the way, carrots aren’t usually the favorite food of rabbits. That would be cabbage. Excuse my pedantry, but it’s true. NC (vo): My guess is it's what gives him his supersonic speed, that is to say I'm sure he's fast on his feet, but nothing can breathe fire like a gas-producing bean product that makes you want to shit more than a Metamucil cocktail. Now that wasn’t so hard to come up with logic or reason for a show without any of it, was it? Sonic: Gotta roll, troll! NC (vo): Even in the realm of its own insanity, it doesn't make any sense. Okay, but didn’t we already have this conversation with the drill-handed robot blowing into his hand and propping up a pumpkin and with a robot chicken blowing into his hand and making a woman? Like, look at this scene when they're trapped in a cage and there's a trapdoor slowly opening up. Sonic: Aaaah! NC: First of all: TAILS CAN FLY! Why doesn't he just pick up Sonic and lift him off the ground? ...Because they’re trapped in a cage? And because Tails has limited flight, like in the games? NC (vo): Second: Are you seriously telling me that you can't fit through those bars? You could drive a fucking pickup truck through those giant gaps! If the pickup truck was as thin as a rail, then sure. Sonic: Don't you realize the terrible villain is about to destroy this entire place- Mole: Nope. Don't pay no never mind to current events. Sonic: Maybe you should consider a career in politics. NC (vo): Oh, come on! I've seen Fruity Pebbles commercials funnier than this. Maybe you should consider a career in politics. NC: This is torture! This is madness! (A clip of the film 300 is shown). King Leonidas (voiced by NC): THIS! IS! SONIC! ‘Member when was this meme was repeated to death in the late 2000s? Pepperidge Farm ‘members! NC (vo): And just when you think you've seen the lamest part of the show, Sonic actually has a moral to teach at the end, 'cause I really want a blue hedgehog who eats chili dogs to be my children's teacher. … ...Yeah, I may have to agree with you on that. Tails: We're surrounded, Sonic. Call 911! Sonic: No way, Tails. This is nothing. 911 is for real emergencies. As much as I’d appreciate that you’re saying ACAB, Sonic, that shouldn't be the appropriate time for you to say it. NC: (imitates Sonic) That's right, kids. Don't call 911 if you're being attacked by people who want to kill or kidnap you. Only call for important things, like if the cable goes out and you can't watch The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. That's what's important! NC (vo): But even the messages are weird. I mean, there's the usual stuff, like learn to share and eat your veggies, but some of these are just...strange. Sonic: Believe it or not, every year, some ignorant kid takes a ride in a clothes dryer just like this one. If you think it's smart to climb in a dryer, you're really all wet. NC: ...Really? Kids climbing in the dryer is such a national problem that they had to devote the entire end of an episode to that? Were you expecting Sonic to do a PSA about the horrific consequences of war? Just google ‘kids hiding in dryer deaths’ and you’ll be somewhat surprised to know that such a preventable issue still occurs at any given time. You know what? Given the intelligence of the people who watched this show, this is probably a good thing to teach. Is it a first world problem? Sure. But it’s still a real safety issue that may have needed to be addressed so the viewers get the impression that the wacky blue hedgehog cartoon can teach them something important and that they don’t have to be dumb as bricks to enjoy it. When the cartoon has the decency to show that it has some ounce of intellect, even if the PSAs themselves were clearly mandated, you got to give it some credit for that. Because my guess is that when they're not trying to operate heavy machinery with their BUTTCHEEKS... NC (vo): ...they're probably trying to do something stupid like this! With the way you’re consistently touting around your own high IQ in comparison to AOSTH’s general stupidity, don’t you think it would’ve taken you up until this point for you to come to the realization that this cartoon was not really meant to be taken all that seriously, let alone to put a heavy emphasis on ‘BUTTCHEEKS’? NC: I mean, what else could you possibly teach that would be as stupid as that?! Sonic: Even you can learn something from a sloth. (NC nervously stares for a few seconds, then snaps, pulls out a gun and shoots the characters.) ...I’m guessing he really doesn’t like sloths very much. NC: FUCK THIS SHOW! (Shoots at Sonic and his head is blown off) FUCK THIS SHOW! (Shoots at Tails) This is what we need gun control laws for, people – Sonic Sez! FUCK THIS SHOW! (Shoots Scratch) I don’t think a bullet from a gun is what kills a robot. (He shoots Dr. Robotnik, then proceeds to shoot some more while repeating the line, before “Who Gives-A-Shit Land” (*ACKSHUALLY, THE SETTING IS NAMED MOBIUS-) is briefly seen before completely exploding!) At least he had the decency to spare Grounder from the whole bloodbath? NC: This is crazy! In every possible meaning of the word! But you shooting all of its characters to death is supposed to be comparatively normal? Nothing about this show makes sense! It's PURE BULLSHIT! Bullshit...in Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land? Whouda thunk? NC (vo): It's the kind of movie they would show Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange to break his mind! You call it torture, but given how you framed it, I’m not quite sure how it would be considered as anything other than just nonsensical brain rot. So no, I’m sure Malcolm McDowell or, ahem, Alex DeLarge, would consider this tame. (Cut to a scene from A Clockwork Orange, with Alex tied to his seat, eyes wide open, with the intro to the Sonic show seen in them.) Alex DeLarge: Aaaah, stop it, stop it, please! I beg you! Critic Sez – Watching The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog is a higher form of torture than being waterboarded! (Cut to a promo picture featuring the cast of Sonic SatAM.) For the love of Christ, please don’t shoot them too, critic of nostalgia. NC (vo): Now if you can believe it, there was actually another show about Sonic that came out the exact same time. They even got the same actor, Jaleel White, to play the lead. Because one Sonic show wasn't enough to piss us off, I guess. The show was called Sonic the Hedgehog, but later got the name Sonic SatAM. Why? Because it came on Saturday mornings, I guess. That is true, but the ‘SATAM’ was originally coined by the fanbase iirc, so people wouldn’t mistake it for, well...the other Sonic cartoon. Now, isn't that kind of stupid? Isn't that like calling the title of a show "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Eastern Standard Time"? You mean I’ve been saying the title of the TMNT series wrong the whole time? Look, I know it's customary to release the show after some time has gone by, but within the same fucking year? NC: That's as crazy as the rest of the bullshit I've had up with today! Well, forget it! I give up! I don't even wanna think about the idea of this show procreated. There's no way in Hell that any show connected to this character can possibly be good! I am done...done...DONE! Given how much the other Sonic cartoon rot your brain well enough to appreciate the adventures of a talking blue hedgehog, I suppose you can’t be trusted with the other one. (We then suddenly see the opening to Sonic the Hedgehog, while Critic looks more and more excited as it progresses, also being moved to tears at one point.) Oh wait, I forgot, there's still more of this review. Singer: ♫ Sonic! He can really move! / Sonic! He's got an attitude! Sonic! He's the fastest thing alive! He's the fastest thing alive! He's the fastest thing alive! ♫ I know Sonic is fast and all, but I wouldn’t call this such an eye-opener that I would be moved to tears over it. (A triumphant chorus is heard as NC raises his hands in surprise and joy.) NC: Effort! Honest to God effort! Well, uh...that’s quite the unexpected turnaround. Seeing how much venom this critic was spewing towards the other Sonic cartoon, I wouldn’t have expected his heart to grow three sizes at that moment. (A clip from Nine to Five, showing a door opening to a bright light, is shown, and the title screen of “Sonic the Hedgehog” fades in place.) NC (vo): I mean, talk about the complete opposite. This show takes a relatively bright, plotless video game story As far as I’m concerned, the original trilogy of games did have a plot, but since you’re happy talking about Sonic for once...do proceed. and turns it into a dark, edgy, and actually kind of epic show. Its setting was stylish, its plotlines developed, its characters surprisingly complex, but surely, you can’t take something as silly-looking as Robotnik and make him the least bit intimida- (A clip of an angry-looking Doctor Robotnik from the show suddenly appears with his eyes glowing red.) NC (vo): Jesus! Man, even Robotnik is cool. In fact, he may be one of the coolest villains ever. Just listen to that kick-ass voice. Note that the voice actor is Jim Cummings, the Critic is not aware of this. Thank you once again, transcript writer, for the extra information that isn’t necessarily relevant to the review. Doctor Robotnik: Ooh, that’s good. That’s very good indeed. NC (vo): It’s like he’s orgasming on every word he says. Now we know why he’s named Jim Cummings. ...Sorry, that was bad. Robotnik: A very nice touch. Well, well, well. This is good. NC: (imitating Robotnik) Ooh. that’s good. That’s very good. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Lower. Lower. Lower! (makes a face that looks like he just had an orgasm) Oh, that’s just delicious! Robotnik: It warms the cockles of my heart. NC: Okay. The less I know about your cockles, the better. Yeah, I don’t want to know about his…burrowing bivalve mollusks either. NC (vo): Still, this was a pretty nasty bad guy. Certainly a lot different from (shows a clip from The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, causing NC to sigh) that other show. The difference between the two Robotniks may be night and day, but I won’t accept any slander for Long John Baldry. (Cut back to "Sat AM") The story is actually inventive, too. Unlike the other show where Robotnik's trying to take over the world, in this show, he pretty much already has. Everything is robotocized. The city, the animals, everything. And it’s just Sonic and a secret group of freedom fighters who try to stop this industrial takeover and bring the green back to the forest. NC: Wait, wait, wait, wait. I can’t comprehend this. An environmental message that’s… subtle? (This word appears onscreen. The Shock Horror sting plays.) Oh my god, I can't believe this! NC (vo): Yes, apparently, there is subtlety in this Sonic cartoon unlike (shows another clip from “Adventures” and sighs) that other show. I mean...if you were expecting subtlety from AOSTH, you might’ve been expecting way too much from it. (Cut back to “Sat AM”) Sonic’s not alone in this battle, though. He has a team of animals that are kind of like the Care Bears, Ewoks, and Smurfs all rolled into one. If you gave them weapons. You got Tails, of course, but thankfully, he’s kind of downplayed. The other characters are Antoine, a cowardly Frenchman... Antoine: I am hating to be a, oh, how you say, such a worry-worm, but this terrible place it’s- it’s not so good for our health. We go home, yes? NC: (imitating Antoine) In fact, why don’t we just surrender? ‘Cause that’s all we French know how to do, right? Surrender, make love, and be unbelievably snooty. Now where’s my French beret, accordion, twirly mustache, and striped shirt? (beat) ...Oh shoot, the camera is still rolling! Quick, list some more imaginary French stereotypes! A-Jerry Lewis. A-Jerry Lewis was definitely my favorite Sonic character. NC (vo): A half-animal, half-machine named Bunnie Rabbot...yeah, I know. I hate the pun, too. Bunnie Rabbot: And the big, ugly old wolf says “The better to see y’all with my dear.” Tails: That wolf is nasty, huh, Bunnie? Bunnie: Nasty as a one-eyed snake sugar. NC (vo; imitating Bunnie): I wish I had a one-eyed snake come after me. Too bad my vagina eats people. What, with it being robotocized and all. ...Uh, sure, if that’s the kind of furry fantasy that you’re into, I won’t judge you for that. NC (vo): And last but not least, Princess Sally, the face that launched a thousand furries. Aaaand speak of the devil, from the utterance of Bunnie Rabbot’s vagina eating people and being down bad for a one-eyed snake to admittedly being self-aware of people lusting over Sally Acorn, it sure does seem like there’s something that the Critic just isn’t telling us. What’s a furry, you may ask? Um, long touchy story. Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting this review to transition from critiquing a cartoon starring a blue hedgehog to becoming a straight-up furry fandom lecture. If that’s how you want to cook, then I’ll let you cook. (Clips from Critic’s Space Jam review play) Let’s just say in my Space Jam review when I said there weren’t people out there who’d wanted to fuck bunnies, I was wrong. NC: Turns out I was the one who wanted to fuck bunnies! (Back to “SatAM”) Oh, okay, that’s a harsh generalization. But from what I can tell, it’s people who are fascinated by half-animal, half-human creatures. But for some reason, centaurs are never on there. What’s up with that? Just keep doing your own research and you’ll find a sizable group of people who would have a fixation towards centaurs too...unless you want to come forward and say that you’re part of that fandom, which yeah, once again, I won’t judge. NC: What do you got against the centaurs, huh? Are you anti-“centites”? Huh? HUH?! Not sure if I’m supposed to pronounce that as ‘anti-cen-tites’ or ‘anti-cen-titties.’ NC (vo): I don’t know. But either way, I found out this character has kind of a cult following. But here’s my question: if she’s a princess, where’s the king? I think the better question is ‘Where’s the queen?’ Wherever the king is though, I’m sure he’ll be back with the milk later on. They talk about him sometimes, but they mostly hint at the fact that he’s probably dead. So shouldn’t she be in charge now? Sally: I know he’s alive. I just don’t know where. NC: You’re not really a princess! You just took the title ‘cause it sounds cute! Take some authority! You’re a queen! Queen it up, bitch! She would probably have to wait until she’s old enough to marry first, though. They all don’t have to look like Elizabeth II; you can still be pretty. But start moving forward and take some responsibility! The furries will respect you for it. Okay, but I just don’t think Sally would want your respect, though. NC (vo): This is a really cool-looking world, too. It’s very gritty and harsh, with more threatening robotic minions, unlike (shows clip from “Adventures”) THAT OTHER SHOW! If it’s of any consolidation, the AOSTH robots can blow into their hands and make a woman. Can the robots from this show do that? (Back to “SatAM”) In fact, these settings are so detailed, I keep thinking that they stumbled onto a Star Wars movie half the time. (Sally jumps down from a landing.) Darth Vader: (from The Empire Strikes Back) The Force is with you…but you are not a Jedi yet. Darth Vader: With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy. The furries will respect you for it. NC (vo): But perhaps the biggest upset for most people is the last episode. Not because it was so bad, but because it was too good. Robotnik creates a doomsday device, half the freedom fighters are captured, Sonic and Sally discover some sort of ultimate power; they destroy the device, wipe out the city, Robotnik retreats forever, his wormy sidekick escapes in a pod, Sonic and Sally confess their love for each other, and they all live happily ever after… I never had a problem with it, but I do now that you’ve spoiled it for me. I’ve been meaning to watch it with fresh eyes, but now I can’t anymore. Thanks a lot. NC: Or do they?! Snively: (laughs) Well, don’t celebrate too soon, hedgehog. Now, it’s my turn, and I’m not alone! (A pair of red eyes comes out from the darkness). NC: Holy shit! What is that?! Oh, my God! I can’t wait for the next episode! What the hell’s gonna happen?! ("Cancelled" appears on the screen in bright red letters.) NC: (pauses) FUCK YOU!!!!!!!! (Starts shaking uncontrollably) Steel: Yeah...I know that feeling, man. NC (vo): Why is it video game spinoffs never learn? (Shows clips from the original Super Mario Bros. movie and Mortal Kombat to demonstrate his point.) Leaving us on a cliffhanger doesn’t guarantee a sequel. It just pisses us off. And even if you do have a sequel, it doesn’t always mean that it’s gonna be good. Just be self-contained. (Footage of “Sonic SatAM”) Oh, well. That being said, this really was a great show. In fact, it’s actually better than I remember it. Maybe I should have put it somewhere on the Top 11 Animated Nostalgic TV Shows, just consider it the number 12 spot, I guess. Hey, why go one step beyond when you can take two steps? It literally took nothing and turned it into something. Look, I don’t care if you didn’t play the original games, but you should’ve at least tried to come to a basic understanding about how it lead to the creation of two Sonic cartoons before saying claiming that there was no takeaway from them. Unlike (footage "Adventures"; sighs disgustedly) THAT OTHER FUCKING SHOW! NC: They took nothing and turned it into even less than nothing! In fact, you know what it’s like? It’s like two students who turned in two separate projects for a class. NC: (now wearing his tie and just a T-shirt and sounding calm and respectful) Hey, there, teach. Here’s my project. (Footage of "Sonic SatAM") I tried to add as much character and psychological development as possible, given the guidelines. But, I think I came up with a pro-environmental show that will actually make kids enjoy the forest without, you know, shoving it in their faces. NC: (back to Critic with his normal clothes on) Well, this is very well put together. Strong story, good character, working beyond the material given to you. A+. (Title card of "Sonic Sat AM" shows A+.) NC: Now where’s my other student, Fuckup McDumbass? If that’s the name their parents actually gave them, then I would feel pretty bad. NC: (This time he sounds obnoxious and his clothes are all messed up) Hey, teach! Here’s my project. (Footage of The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog) And it’s awesome! It’s got a lot of running! A lot of… chili dogs! It’s got a monkey, and a chicken, and they just yell all the time, and went blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It’s totally awesome! NC: (regular clothes and with a pissed off look on his face) McDumbass, did you put any effort into any of this? Say what you will, but I think Fuckup McDumbass might have a brighter future ahead of him. NC: (messed clothes) No, I just got high. (Title card of The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog with an F is displayed.) NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Well…if he’s going to send it off like that, then I might as well do that too. I’m done with the review. See you all next time when I finally riff Season 2 of Guru Gakuto in 2029 or whatever… Steel: You know how at the end of the review, the Critic compared the two Sonic shows like two separate assignments being handed in to a teacher? The feeling I got from this review is pretty much the same energy, except this feels more like if the Critic handed in a bad critical evaluation essay and was asked to either rewrite the whole paper or add something he liked to compare and contrast to offset the hyperbolic critique he previously gave to the former so he could get a passing grade. In other words, this Nostalgia Critic review wasn’t him at his F-game or at his A-game. It was a definitive C-game type of review. The underlying issue with the first part of the review is as clear as day – Doug, as his Critic character, took the first Sonic cartoon way too seriously, and that’s when I knew that I was better off not doing the same towards his commentary, because otherwise I’d look like CinemaSins or his Douchey McNitpick character in comparison, and it’s especially baffling when you remember that he went up to bat for Ren & Stimpy, which was its own breed of nonsensical. But then there’s the curveball with his critique of Sonic SATAM, where he praises it up the wazoo, and I think that’s something to admire because we have stereotyped Doug and the Critic before of not mustering up the effort or time to find the appeal of something that he’s generally unfamiliar with or look at it from a fan’s perspective. You’d expect Doug to not understand Sonic in any shape or form when he was so closed-minded towards the other Sonic cartoon, but he still praised it, and by making some solid points. Is it obvious why the NC’s approach to reviewing these two shows the way it was? I mean, yeah, one (AOTSH) was clearly made for the younger kids while the other (SATAM) was intended for the older kids. And maybe the review would’ve been handled better if Doug fully grasped that notion. On the other hand though, a part of the Critic’s charm back then was, even if it was absolutely dumb and ridiculous of him to be viscerally angry over a cartoon that wasn’t for him, Doug still made that unbridled anger entertaining because of how hyperbolic his reactions were. Now, of course, the review had its fair share of edgy jokes that clearly did not age well (like I’d say, 2009 was a different time), but still, they are far from Doug’s biggest boners as the Nostalgia Critic. And suppose he was just only hamming it up, then I’d still say that’s no excuse for veering off-course from the review aspect of the, well...review. I can come to the basic understanding of why AOSTH had its fans and how it found its place in the zeitgeist of internet memes, there’s no believing that this cartoon is so incomprehensibly insane that it could “break” him. The biggest takeaway from this review, however, is that even with the Critic as his more tolerable self, it’s still fun to make fun of the Nostalgia Critic and he’s still worth plenty of material for riffing. Is this the last time that I’ll ever engage with anything NC-related? Probably not. In fact, I feel like I might become comfortable enough to revisit his old reviews at some later point in time, granted if Doug doesn’t take a more critical blow to his rep than he did from the #ChangeTheChannel drama. For the time being, this is where my NC retrospective journey really ends. With that out of the way now, CBC3 will continue with the last batch of Guru Gakuto episodes later this year.

"Squidward Commits Tax Evasion" was my favorite of the season.

December 30th, 2005. That was the day one anonymous Wikipedia user edited the SpongeBob episode list page to include twelve seasons worth of episode titles. In the real world, this was met by later removal, but in any other world, they were removed because as it would turn out...it was a confidential leak. All of the titles for the supposed new SpongeBob episodes would turn out to be real. This is just a look what SpongeBob fans would be expecting for the next several years: Episode 22: What If… the fake Wikipedia SpongeBob episodes actually existed? Season 4, Episode 69(nice)b. DJ Patrick: As another one of Mr. Krabs’ money-making schemes, he starts a music venue in the restaurant with Patrick as his DJ. As another one of his attempts to end Krabs’ business, Plankton makes his own DJ set and uses mind-controlling music to steal away his customers, but the counteraction of Patrick’s brain rot DJ-ing would save the day. Mr. Krabs would then fire him after receiving the bill for the live music expenses. Season 4, Episode 72b. SpongeBob Joins Guns N' Roses: Guest starring Axl Rose as a fish version of himself, Guns N’ Roses visit the Krusty Krab to announce their auditions for a new member. SpongeBob would be the one to impress them the most, but his hopes of playing a huge role in Guns N’ Roses would be dashed due to Axl Rose Fish being a difficult person to work with. Although the episode was made to promote their upcoming album Chinese Democracy, the album would end up being delayed for two more years after the episode aired. Season 4, Episode 76. Spongebob in the BBC: Sandy’s bosses return to Bikini Bottom to inform Sandy Cheeks that she is invited to a tour of the British Broadcasting Corporation headquarters, for talks of holding rights to document her journey as a squirrel scientist living underwater, and that she was allowed to bring a guest. Sandy chooses to bring along SpongeBob, but soon regrets her judge of character as SpongeBob wreaks havoc every which way. The special also stars Patchy, whose plot revolves around trying to meet his idol who was said to be making an appearance at the BBC. The special would end with Patchy being banned by the British government. Season 4, Episode 80b. Rock-a-Bye Bivalve II: Junior's Return: In this Season 4 finale, SpongeBob and Patrick’s adopted clam child, Junior, makes a surprise return with a family of his own. In need of a place to live, Junior and his family settle in SpongeBob and Patrick’s houses, but they both grow aggravated with their mooching and so they proceed to make steamed clams out of them. Junior escapes his family’s murder, and now he seeks revenge. Season 5, Episode 85. A Taste for Turkey: After being introduced to the concept of Thanksgiving, Mr. Krabs ropes his two employees SpongeBob and Squidward into hunting down the elusive zebra turkeyfish in order for their restaurant to put turkey sandwiches on their menu. During this misadventure, SpongeBob and co. learn about the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Also, Patchy’s in this episode and his pet parrot Potty ruins everything. Season 5, Episode 86b. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy VIII: The Bunions are Missing: After seven episodes decided to the two famous superheroes, it would be no surprise that the creative team would lose steam. Hence, we are given an episode about Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy trying to get back the stolen bony bumps that appear on the side of their big toes. Some say that this concept was originally requested by Dan Schneider, but little information exists supporting that claim. So stop asking. Season 5, Episode 88a. Time & Space: Time & Space is the second studio album and major label debut by the American punk rock band Turnstile. It was released on February 23, 2018, through Roadrunner – the band's debut on the label. It is the first studio album t- Season 5, Episode 89a. Who Shot Mr. Krabs?: Mr. Krabs’ plan to monopolize the Krusty Krab and dismantle every other business in the ocean causes a stir, the cheapskate would get shot, leading up to the citizens of Bikini Bottom all being billed as suspects until the case is solved. It would later be revealed that Patrick, who isn’t quite smart enough to use a gun, is Mr. Krabs’ assailant. Season 5, Episode 96a. Back to 11th Grade (formerly Back to 5th Grade): After watching a commercial for the Gerber Life Grow-Up Plan, Mr. Krabs informs his two employees that he never actually finished the 5th grade- wait, hold on, that’s the episode’s original draft. Anyways, Mr. Krabs reveals he never finished his high school education and stopped after 11th grade. Because he needs to graduate in order to make more money, Krabs passes off as a high schooler and attempts to climb the top of the social ladder to succeed in his elaborate get rich quick scheme. Season 5, Episode 100. 100 Episode Special (The Texas' Old Times): In SpongeBob’s 100th episode milestone celebration spectacular…it’s a clip show. For the rest of the episode, Sandy tries to detail her personal and internal history of Texas to her friends, but they would cue flashbacks from older episodes as the pieces of Texas history somehow overlap with their personal histories. The episode wasn’t well-received at first, especially due to Patchy the Pirate’s inclusion, but it would be later be vindicated years later after fans acquiesced that it would still be better than seeing an hour long special where the characters are stuck inside the Krusty Krab’s air vents. Season 6, Episode 102a. SpongeBob Swallows NoName (sic): SpongeBob swallows No Name for no given reason. Due to the treatment that the blue jellyfish received in this episode, he would request his own spin-off series under his own name (or rather under his lack thereof). Season 6, Episode 106b. Patrick and Squidward Reach Nervana: Squidward and Patrick get lost in the middle of nowhere and are forced to rely on each other if they’re going to find their way to the promised land, or Nervana as they would call it. Nirvana was rumored to be a guest feature in this episode, but the misreading of the episode title’s supposedly intentional typo proved otherwise. Season 6, Episode 111. Patrick for President: Patrick decides to run for president of Bikini Bottom, with Larry the Lobster as his opponent. Larry fails to garner interest in his campaign as Patrick wins in a 50 city-state landslide. Tensions would rise as Larry refuses to concede and declares that the campaign was rigged in Patrick’s favor. In less than a week after Patrick’s leadership would turn out to be a disaster, he would end up getting himself assassinated. He gets better though and surrenders his job to his VP – Mr. Seaweed Monster Man. Season 6, Episode 115. The SpongeBob Jimmy Power Hour: After The Jerkinator proved that two FOP and Jimmy Neutron crossovers were enough, a course correction would be made for Jimmy Neutron to cross paths with the world of SpongeBob. Together, SpongeBob and Jimmy Neutron would vow to stop the evil plots being wrought by the most powerful villain duo yet…Dr. Sydney Moist and Squilliam Fancyson. Season 7, Episode 125a. Jump off a Cliff Day: SpongeBob sees Patrick falling off a cliff, to which he asks the reason for it. Patrick tells him that it’s Jump Off a Cliff Day and SpongeBob spreads the word all across Bikini Bottom. The episode ends with everyone jumping off a cliff. Season 7, Episode 129b. TimmyBob TurnerPants: In this definitely not contractually-obligated crossover special between The Fairly OddParents and SpongeBob, Timmy wishes he lived underwater and later finds himself in Bikini Bottom…but merged with SpongeBob’s body. Their disastrous wishing to fix the mess causes King Neptune and Jorgan Von Spangle...Jordan Van Strudel...Jargen Von...fuck it- to join forces and poof Timmy and his fairies back to Dimmsdale. SpongeBob and co. would not remember a single thing that happen in those 11 minutes as their memories would be wiped afterwards. Season 7, Episode 130b. Pudding: Due to the series’s animation budget beginning to dwindle at this point, this episode in particular is a whole 11 minutes worth of SpongeBob eating pudding and nothing else. Season 8, Episode 155a. Mermaid Man and Barnicle Boy XII: The Litigious Society Sues: In this twelfth Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy feature, the two superheroes are sued by the citizens of Bikini Bottom, and they have since ruled to live in a society without superheroes. In an attempt to overturn the newly appointed law, SpongeBob and Patrick free every villain that MM & BB had ever faced. Season 8, Episode 158. SpongeBob Meets Patchy: Patchy musters up the effort to try and find his idol by trying to find Bikini Bottom. After a long, arduous journey of hope, heartbreak, and pickled garlic, the pirate gets what he wants before telling SpongeBob that he must go. Patchy died on his way back to Encino, but he would return to host the Season 10 episode “Nerd Year’s Eve” in the afterlife. Season 8, Episode 160a. Hip-Hop Krabs (formerly The Trouble with Pennies): After reading a magazine about how the hip-hop culture rewards the luxurious lifestyle of the rich and famous, Mr. Krabs decides to appropriate the culture he was exposed to and begins his life as the rhyme-busting, dime-dusting, gangsta MC – Masta Crustartisan for short. Season 8, Episode 160b. Krusty Krab: Out of Business: But of course, because no one was really on-board with Mr. Krabs’ stint as a rapping crab, the Krusty Krab loses most of its customers and was veering right towards bankruptcy. In order to save his business, SpongeBob organizes as many people in Bikini Bottom to hold hands (and fins) together and sing a heartfelt cover of “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” in order to raise money. Season 9, Episode 162b. Squidward's Urine: In one of the...erm, most unconventional episodes ever written in the series, the plot focuses on Squidward needing to take a piss after drinking too much tea. The episode ends with Squidward pissing on the moon. Season 9, Episode 165b. Gary's Feces: Gary defecates in SpongeBob’s house, and the talking sea sponge spends the rest of the episode marveling Gary’s bodily excrement. This episode, alongside “Squidward’s Urine,” would of course later be banned from broadcast. Season 9, Episode 168b. Rock-a-Bye Bivalve III: The Revenge of Junior Again: Junior plots revenge on SpongeBob and Patrick once again after turning over to the dark side. Junior hits everyone on the head with a coconut so no one could try to stop him. Unfortunately for him, his two adoptive parents would have the high ground. Junior then falls in lava, never to be seen again. SpongeBob and Patrick return to their normal lives now that Junior’s reign of terror has ended – or so they think… Season 10, Episode 181b. San Jose Gets It: Sandy gets invited to an undersea exhibition curating the scientific wonders of San Jose, California. SpongeBob and Patrick want to come, but Sandy tells them that they ‘wouldn’t get it.’ Of course, that wouldn’t stop them from trying. However, what they saw in at the exhibition was beyond their comprehension – there was a sea monkey cross-breeding with a sea armadillo, a fish downing a bottle of olive oil and cooking himself on the griddle, a farmer milking lemon juice from a scorpion, and the walls would ooze hot acid. Then, of course, the whole exhibition would blow up. SpongeBob and Patrick ask Sandy if they understood or learned anything important from this whole anecdote, to which Sandy answered ‘No, but San Jose gets it.’ Season 10, Episode 198a. Back to Tentacle Acres: Squidward returns to the place he had been banned from after taking notice of a reappearance from the turkey sandwich that a certain octopus heard better comebacks from. After one too many snappy comebacks had thrown Tentacle Acres into chaos, there was only one thing for him to do to save the people that he quite frankly didn’t owe anything to. He ate the sandwich. Then he went back home. Season 10, Episode 198b. Rock-a-Bye Bivalve IV: Worldly Power: Because the series clearly needed four plotlines based on the one particular Season 3 episode, Junior is up to his villainous schemes once again and threatens worldly power by taking a career in politics. The citizens of Bikini Bottom would become absolute suckers for Junior’s political grift while SpongeBob and Patrick tried to heed their warnings that Junior was going to bring about an end to all of Bikini Bottom, but because the very previous episode dealt with a nefarious turkey sandwich, they wouldn’t take them seriously. So, SpongeBob and Patrick decided that they would have to utilize their greatest weapon yet – family therapy. Season 11, Episode 201b. Mrs. Squidward: Season 11 starts with a special episode voted on by viewers on what the writers should do to make Squidward happy. It is later revealed that the nicest thing Squidward received in the episode was a life. Season 11, Episode 202a. The Krusty Sponge: After a food critic raves about SpongeBob's cooking, Mr. Krabs makes him the focal point of the Krusty Krab restaurant. The next day, Mr. Krabs begins selling yellow patties, replacing the Krabby Patties. The new brand makes the customers sick, and Mr. Krabs is ordered to the court. Yeah, definitely not a real SpongeBob episode whatsoever. ...Wait, what do you mean this one is actually real?- Season 11, Episode 204b. Mrs. Squidward II: Yes, they’re doing this again because the network asked for more of these, apparently. Squidward got a life, but what’s next? Without rhyme or reason, Squidward gets abducted by anchovy aliens, leading up to Mrs. Squidward to come to his rescue. Season 12, Episode 221b. Mrs. Squidward III: As a surprise guest collaboration with The Nostalgia Critic, the episode in its entirely is portrayed as a sketch masquerading as a review of a semi-non-existent episode. Squidward loses the love of his life that he had achieved and now comes to Black SpongeBob and Sexy Sandy Cheeks for their help to win her back, in typical romcom shenanigans. Season 12, Episode 226b. Mrs. Squidward IV: Due to the SpongeBob staff not having the budget or interest to make a fourth Mrs. Squidward, they instead made the episode an 11 minute still image of a jar of seahorse radish. While this sudden shift in direction was heavily criticized at first, it would later be considered a subversive masterpiece. Season 12, Episode 233. Sponge to the Future: For the series finale, SpongeBob finds a time-traveling DeLorean in the parking lot of the Krusty Krab and takes himself to the past – specifically, nine years before the list of imaginary SpongeBob episodes was leaked on Wikipedia. Special guest stars Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd make an appearance as their respective characters to warn SpongeBob that all of the previous events from December 30, 2005 onwards will cease to exist if he rewrites the past. However, it was too late. When SpongeBob returned, everything he knew about his own show never happened in the rewritten timeline (well, save for The Krusty Sponge). Wanting to prove to the world what he had experienced was true, he anonymously edited the SpongeBob episode list Wikipedia page with the full list of episode titles for twelve seasons worth of material, including the episode detailing his encounter with Marty McFly and Doc Brown, which would not be rediscovered until years later by a fraction of the SpongeBob fandom, including a website that calls themselves The SpongeBob Community. All this time, they never knew that he was the one who made that historical edit. -- There’s plenty of other episodes with their own stories to be retold, but now you all know the whole story behind these non-existent SpongeBob episodes, as they were all a result of an apparent time paradox. Chances are, this incident may have altered our own timeline. I’m Ric Flair, and this is Conspiracy Theory.

Some Other Djinn

Read this thread for more details:

Today...or actually yesterday was the day of my 15th year of being on SBC, which is quite a lot of time I've been on for a community that I never thought I'd be so attached to, I never left by this point. That's why I felt that I'd actually do a very special commemoration, and it's something that's been on my mind for some odd years. So, i am holding my first (and only) writing competition. From today, until my current set deadline, all willing participants will be able to send me their own drabbles based on all the categories I've come up with. There will be four - yes, four different categories to submit to: CATEGORY 1: The Simple Short Story Category Requirements: Write a short story Minimum word count required: 200 Sounds very self-explanatory, does it? This is a category where everyone is free to write whatever kind of short story as they please, but of course, do mind the word count requirements. CATEGORY 2: The Most Committed Writer Category Requirements: Write a long-form story Minimum word count required: 1,500 Yes, I know the above word count requirement sounds really scary to some, but with all fairness, this is a category for those who are really looking to challenge themselves. The main idea behind this one is to write a decently fleshed-out story. You can make it as short enough for the minimum as you'd like, or make it as long as you'd like. CATEGORY 3: And Now, Poetry - by Gary... Requirements: Write a poem Minimum word count required: 30 This is definitely the most relaxed and easy of the four categories, and all you have to for this one is write poetry. Whether it's traditional poetry, haikus, a story-driven poem, or a simple collection of them, this is where everyone is encouraged to show their poetic side. CATEGORY 4: The Steel's Biggest Fan Category Requirements: Write a story based on one of my own spin-off/fanfic creations Minimum word count required: 400 The concept for this last one may sound like obnoxious ego stroking, I know, but I think some folks might have some fun with this in particular, and brings out the whole 'Steel Sponge' theme of this contest. For this category, participants will write a story based on one of my own stories, may it be the setting, the characters, or both. For a reference guide or ref material on what you'll have to work with, there is a list below with a respective link to my writing. The list: With that taken care of, let's go over the basics and the rules of the submission process: -The deadline for this contest as a whole will be on March 15th. I figured I'd give everyone a long enough window to participate that would be considered fair. Up until that date, submissions will be closed. -Everyone can submit for all four categories, but only once for each. Of course, and as I should very much address, you don't have to submit for all four categories, and if you wish to submit only for one, that is completely fine. -If one particular category has only one submission, the participant will win it by default. -No joke nor troll entries, and no entries that would be deemed inappropriate by the site's standards. -All submissions will and must be curated in a separate thread that will be posted shortly afterwards. -I will be the sole judge for each submitted piece. But of course, I can't sell this for anyone without the prizes/rewards for each winning entry. I may not have staff powers, but here's a few things you may receive: WINNERS WILL RECEIVE...: -A specially made pic/icon for the winning author + story -A free commissioned art piece of your own choice, as drawn by me -Previews and perhaps also plot reveals for upcoming releases for my own work -An elephant (actually, scratch that. This is supposed to be a gag prize, so I don't actually have an elephant) Anyways, there's nothing else left for me to all those who wish participate than with this: take your time, and of course, go out and have fun with your own writing,

Well...

Best song by The Police since "Locked Out of Heaven."

Day 1: Total Drama Treasure Tour Day 2: SBC What If's Day 3: Starting Over Day 4: SpongeBob SquarePants: Lost in Translation finale Day 5: Trinity Leaf Pegasus(?) Day 6: Chemist Bob's Catastrophic Creations Cinema Day 7: A Member-Hosted Story Contest And now...here's the big one - I'm going to host my very own writing contest. Unlike the usual SBC event months, this will be its own separate thing, planned specially for my 15 year milestone. The last story contest on SBC that took place was merely last month during Snowcember, so the details won't be made known until January 24th, one day shy of my anniversary day, but still a reasonable time and day to start it while I making this known now.

Day 1: Total Drama Treasure Tour Day 2: SBC What If's Day 3: Starting Over Day 4: SpongeBob SquarePants: Lost in Translation finale Day 5: Trinity Leaf Pegasus(?) Day 6: Chemist Bob's Catastrophic Creations Cinema Day 7: ??? The one-off special for CBC3, which will feature the Nostalgia Critic, will be posted later this month. I should say in advance though that this will be a rather different approach compared to the Critic Chronicles, which I will clarify within the special itself.

Day 1: Total Drama Treasure Tour Day 2: SBC What If's Day 3: Starting Over Day 4: SpongeBob SquarePants: Lost in Translation finale Day 5: Trinity Leaf Pegasus(?) Day 6: ??? Day 7: ??? But um...while I'm still on the topic of neglected stories... Apologies that this isn't an actual update, but who knows? Maybe it will be TLP's year this time. But in the meantime, I hope you all appreciate the humor towards the Duke Nukem Forever of my writing catalog (or at this rate, may I call it my Winds of Winter?).

Day 1: Total Drama Treasure Tour Day 2: SBC What If's Day 3: Starting Over Day 4: SpongeBob SquarePants: Lost in Translation finale Day 5: ??? Day 6: ??? Day 7: ??? I have a new planned release date for the final episode for this month as part of my SBC 15th anniversary milestone (there's one other major thing I have planned for that milestone, but more on that later...), because after delaying this up to three years now, I definitely have no excuses for not getting it done.

Day 1: Total Drama Treasure Tour Day 2: SBC What If's Day 3: Starting Over Day 4: ??? Day 5: ??? Day 6: ??? Day 7: ??? Starting Over, my aptly-titled 101 Dalmatian Street fanfic, is still in the works with a new chapter on the way. The next chapter, titled "Turnabout Siblings" will be posted to AO3 sometime in January, and will be posted to SBC later afterwards. The story will be nearing completion by 2025 as there are six more planned chapters that will be written up.

Day 1: Total Drama Treasure Tour Day 2: SBC What If's Day 3: ??? Day 4: ??? Day 5: ??? Day 6: ??? Day 7: ??? SBC What If's is, of course, the multi-collaborative writing project that I'm part of, so I may as well share at least one piece of news for it. I am going to continue writing for this series and I have one story on the way that will be titled as "What If...the fake Wikipedia SpongeBob episodes actually existed?"

It's time for the newest edition of 'Steel Presents.' Starting today and until the end of this week, I will announce one piece news regarding the state of my ongoing stories for 2025, and with today being the first day of these announcements, I better get that ball rolling. I have something very special planned to be announced on the last day, so do stick around for that. Even though 2024 is nearly ending, I do, however, have one exception to make for just one last-minute new release before the end of the year, and I decided that it will be for a series that I've neglected for some time, due to it, admittedly, not being one of my biggest priorities: Day 1: Total Drama Treasure Tour Day 2: ??? Day 3: ??? Day 4: ??? Day 5: ??? Day 6: ??? Day 7: ??? Total Drama Treasure Tour will return with a new episode on the 30th or the 31st...or later into the month, depending on how things pan out. There's also some plans to launch a week of five new premieres, but of course, I can't guarantee a date for that yet, or if I will go that route.

The Truth of Gold T’was a normal day at the Krusty Krab, when all through the day, not a Plankton was scheming, but customers were there to pay. It all seemed to be a normal day in Bikini Bottom, but the only difference was that it was winter, which of course was required to set up this story. Mr. Krabs, once again, was keeping the thermostat untouched and charged customers to be able to keep themselves warm. “Darn that crummy cheapskate for not heating up the restaurant during the coldest months,” the grouchy octopus cashier named Squidward complained. “It sure would be nice if I had some gold and then I’d never have to work again.” “If I had some gold, I’d have me business blooming,” Mr. Krabs remarked. “Why are you two talking about gold all of a sudden? Is it time for another one of our wacky adventures?” SpongeBob asked. “It would be an adventure that I would want no part of,” Squidward jeered, “but it means being far away from you, I’ll take a prospecting job in a heartbeat.” “Nice try Mr. Squidward, but the Yukon Gold Rush has been a long gone era and the deep blue has never felt a money craze of that sort of magnitude for ages.” Mr. Krabs replied. “Besides, if there is gold, I ought be the first person to know…” As tempting fate would have it, two oddly specific incidentals came bursting through the doors of the restaurant to conveniently share their exciting news. “Hey everybody, we found gold!” Nat announced. “Yeah right, you’re pullin’ me pegs!” Mr. Krabs argued. “Come and see it for yourselves and you’ll know that there’s no fooling!” Evelyn added. “Well, what are all standing here for, boys? Let’s peep this out!” Mr. Krabs said as he dragged his two employees to the site where the gold was found. As Mr. Krabs and his crew had arrived at the spot, they were already met with a large crowd, forcing Krabs to tunnel through, using his pincers like a pair of buzzsaws. “Look at that beauty, boys,” Mr. Krabs remarked as he and his employees got a closer look at the excavation filled with gold. “Soon, it will be all ours.” “What do you think we’ll do with all that gold, Mr. Krabs?” SpongeBob questioned. “I’m seeing so many dollar signs just thinking about all the ways that I could use this gold, I can hardly contain meself!” Mr. Krabs said. “I think there’s plenty enough gold to share with everyone else, do you think so, Mr. Krabs?” SpongeBob added. “Who said anything about sharing the gold, boyo?” Mr. Krabs replied as his head creepily turned 360 degrees towards SpongeBob like an owl. “With all this gold, I could press them into tributes of the $50 buffalo gold coin and sell them to suckers who’ll think it’s the real thing, struck from .9999 pure 24 karat gold and all.” “That’s a lot of nines.” “Yes, that’s four nines, boyo, and not only will I be the richest crab in the world, I can turn me restaurant into a conglomerate...no, I can make it an empire!” “I’m sure that sounds nice for you, but Bikini Bottom has a serious shortage of health clinics and recreational services for pets and children, so I think the gold could be put to good use for helping them, and we can use the rest of that wealth to give food and shelter to the homeless.” “…That be the dumbest idea I ever heard from you, boyo.” “I’m pretty sure everyone else has already thought of dumber ways to use up that gold,” Squidward remarked. “Look at all that gold, Karen. If we could get our hands on it all, we can run Krabs out of business in an instant!” Plankton said. “Didn’t you tell me yesterday that you had your single-celled eye on that anniversary USB drive?” Karen deadpanned. “Oh, but I...uh, wouldn’t forget to spend some of it on you, my darling,” Plankton replied. “I could finally buy all the things daddy wouldn’t let me have!” Pearl remarked. “I say, I think all that darn gold could make good use of bein’ spent for scientific research,” said Sandy. “Why, with that much fortune, maybe we could cure any disease! Although…I ain’t should be getting myself too greedy, but my treedome could use an expansion of sorts so I could have more room for my experiments.” “I don’t know what it is, but I want to exchange it for all the dried-up caramel in the world!” Patrick declared. The crowd of Bikini Bottomites continued to ramble on about what would they would plan to use the gold for, until a landowner stood in front of the gold mine alongside Nat and Evelyn. “If I could have everyone’s attention…” the landowner announced, “as it should appear, since these two were the ones who had discovered the gold, I’ve ultimately decided that I bestow this gold mine to them.” After a collection of groans and jeers from the crowd, they would be silenced once again as Nat gave himself the chance to speak… “Citizens of Bikini Bottom, we hear your concerns,” Nat spoke, “We know how much you all wanted a piece of this gold mine. Evelyn and I have decided…” “...We’ve decided that we’re going to keep this gold all to ourselves, suckers!” Evelyn finished. Nat and Evelyn’s statement was met with a wave of angry banter, while SpongeBob and Squidward watched as their boss’ spirit sank, frozen from his immeasurable disappointment. “Hey, wait a minute, that’s the guy that you bribed to say that he liked my chum!” Plankton said to Karen. “Why does he and that other background character get all the gold to themselves?” “Did you think he was going to share the gold with you?” Karen argued. “Well, that was the biggest waste of eleven minutes I’ve had all day,” one of the incidentals remarked as the crowd left the excavation site in disappointment, leaving SpongeBob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs by themselves. “What’s wrong with Mr. Krabs?” SpongeBob asked. “Whatever it is, I want no part of it,” Squidward remarked. “Boys…” Mr. Krabs said with gritted teeth, “I have a very important job for the both of ye…” “What is that, Mr. Krabs?” SpongeBob questioned. “We’re going to take away all that gold from those two no-good freeloaders,” Mr. Krabs continued, “and we will not stop...until WE GET WHAT’S OURS!” “And what do you want us to do about it?” Squidward pointed out. “I don’t even know who those two nitwits are. For all I care, they can just keep the gold.” “You know what, Squidward? I’ve changed me mind about not sharing the gold with SpongeBob or ye,” Mr. Krabs replied. “Besides…if you help me, I can help achieve your dream of being a world famous clarinet player, or whatever it is that’s got your head in the clouds.” “What’s in it for us? How much of the gold will you promise to give us?” “How’s about this? You and SpongeBob can keep one percent of the gold.” SpongeBob and Squidward shook their heads with a ‘I don’t think so’ type of scornful look. “How about I double that offer?...Triple?...Okay, fine, I’ll split it 25 to 75.” “That sounds generous enough to me,” said SpongeBob. “So, what’s our plan?” “Plan, who said anything about having a plan, boyo?” Mr. Krabs asked. “Coming up with a detailed plan is past me own budget.” “Well…I do have one idea. We could ask Nat and Evelyn nicely if they could give us the gold,” SpongeBob suggested. In an instant, SpongeBob was shown to have confronted Nat and Evelyn in front of the gold mine they were keeping watch of. “Hey Nat, hey Evelyn, I hate to pile this on you, but my boss, Mr. Krabs would really love to have the gold that you found, so I needed to ask, would you be willing to give it us?” SpongeBob asked. Nat and Evelyn looked at SpongeBob, then at each other, and burst into spiteful laughter. “Wow, get a load of this guy, Evelyn! Oh, please, please, can we please have your gold?” The last sentence Nat uttered in a mocking tone. “Yeah, run along, short-stuff, we found this gold together, so it’s ours, and ours only!” Evelyn tormented. “Like they always say, finders keepers, losers weepers!” Nat teased. SpongeBob sadly walked back to Mr. Krabs to inform him that his attempt at a civil compromise didn’t work. “Big deal, if they’re not going to be civil, then we’re just going to have play dirty!” Mr. Krabs said. “I’m going to bring out the big guns for this one!” It was then that Mr. Krabs’ attempt of plan was to have his whale daughter Pearl show up in front of Nat and Evelyn. “Hey, daddy says he wants you two to give him the gold, or I’ll have to make things difficult,” said Pearl. “Oh yeah, and what are you going to do about it?” Evelyn asked. Pearl then proceeded to assault the two with her signature wail. However, Nat and Evelyn were able to ignore her crying by plugging up their ears until Pearl couldn’t cry anymore. “Cry all you want, but we’re not letting up,” said Evelyn. “Better luck next time,” Nat tormented. “Hey, why didn’t you come back with me gold?” Mr. Krabs asked Pearl. “Forget the gold, dad! You should be getting me some eye drops!” Pearl scowled. “Okay, if that’s how it is, then we’re just going to have rely on dirtier schemes,” Mr. Krabs said while rubbing his claws together. “If we can’t get Nat and Evelyn to move, then we’ll make them move, and I just thought of the best possible plan to do that, ar-ar-ar-ar!” “Nope, no way, I refuse to comply…” said Squidward. SpongeBob and Squidward were then shown carrying a large cake towards Nat and Evelyn. “A cake, just for us?” Nat wondered. “Wait a minute...what is in that cake?” Evelyn asked. “All the ingredients of an ordinary cake, I’m sure,” “It’s got buttercream, candles...frosting, and absolutely nothing inside of it that’s suddenly going to take take away all your gold. It’s specially made just for you two, so don’t worry about sharing!” “Wow, you didn’t have to do this for us,” said Nat. “Mr. Krabs said to tell you that this is his way of saying sorry for all the times he tried to steal away the gold that you both deserved to keep,” SpongeBob replied. “No, I mean you didn’t have to this because we already have the precautions to make sure there isn’t attempts of betrayal of sorts.” Evelyn said as she sent called for a pack of guard worms to inspect the cake. SpongeBob and Squidward then both exchanged looks of instant regret. “So what of cake is this anyway? Crab cake? As you should know, they have a pretty good nose for crabs,” Nat taunted. With no other option than to reveal himself, Mr. Krabs popped out of the cake. “If you were expecting me, then ye’d be right! There’s nothing in it except a gold-snatching crab and some explosives!” On cue, the cake exploded right in Mr. Krabs’ face before he could be able to do anything. “SpongeBob...I thought I told ye to set a timer for that,” Mr. Krabs deadpanned. “Chase em’ way, guys, make sure they never get anywhere near our gold again!” Evelyn instructed towards the guard worms, prompting for the Krusty crew to run off and brainstorm yet another plan. “They’re just going to keep all that loot to themselves and I won’t sleep until I get it all of their greedy little fins,” said Mr. Krabs. “What are we going to do now, boys?” “What can we do? You were so petty that you had to resort to recycling one of Plankton’s schemes,” Squidward pointed out. “That’s enough backtalk from you, Mr. Squidward,” Mr. Krabs replied. “I’d hate to do this, but there’s one other method we can use to trick Nat and Evelyn into giving up their gold. We’re just gonna have to scare it off them. SpongeBob, you know those cheap costumes from our last Krustoberfest we kept in the supply room?” “Huh? But I thought this isn’t a spooky-themed story-” SpongeBob said. “No, I mean, we’re going to have to drag out the Dickens,” Mr. Krabs clarified. Minutes later, the Krusty crew were prepared to launch their next scheme unto Nat and Evelyn when they approached them in costume. “Nat...Evelyn…you two have both met a terrible fate,” said Mr. Krabs. “I be the Ghost of Bank Statements Past to warn you of what will become of your lives if you kept the gold.” “We know it’s you, Krabs,” said Evelyn. “Oh yeah, then how do you think I know about what happened that fateful day when you called the firemen to save your little Jimmy from a fire?” Evelyn let out a small gasp and responded, “You did?” “Oh I know many things that happen to people who will lead a miserable life,” Mr. Krabs continued. “Nat, I know for sure how guilty you must feel for the one time you wasted all your money on Plankton to contract food poisoning to prove a certain someone right.” “Even if you are really Mr. Krabs, then feel free to enlighten us. Why you think we don’t deserve all this gold,” said Nat. “That’s where one of my other ghostly pals will have to come in.” “Hello, I’m Johnny the Ghost, I’m a wisecracking, trumpet-playing friend!- I mean, I also happen to be the Ghost of Money Present,” SpongeBob said. “I am here to remind you of the harsh realities of when you don’t share the gold to other fish. There are plenty of children and animals in need of the gold, just like this fellow named Tiny Tim…” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcSlcNfThUA “No, wait, not that Tiny Tim, I meant this guy!” SpongeBob corrected, showing Squidward dressed in the specific attire, with one of his tentacles on a crutch and all. “Food, shelter, medicine, nourishment! All those things that I need to make myself better and be able to walk with all tentacles like normal again! But alas, I’m afraid that I don’t have much time left to live in this world, and it’s all because no one could give a single dollar to poor ol’ me…” Squidward acted out in his usual over-dramatic flair. “So, have you both changed your minds about the gold yet? Yes or no, we can all agree that you wouldn’t want to have to consult the Ghost of Money Future…” Mr. Krabs warned. On cue, SpongeBob’s pet snail, Gary slithered over to Nat and Evelyn while donned in a black cloak, letting out a single and solemn ‘meow.’ “So, what do you say? Will you put an end to your greedy ways?” Mr. Krabs inquired. Nat and Evelyn looked at Mr. Krabs and then at each other, once again letting out a laugh. “Yeah, right, like anything bad will happen to us,” said Nat. “What’s next, you’re going to tell us that our terrible fate will be getting crushed by our own gold? Evelyn joked. “You don’t even care about the dire consequences of your selfishness, or of the unforeseeable future?” Mr. Krabs asked. “Yeah, we are jerks, and so what about it? Most people in Bikini Bottom are,” Nat replied. “We found the gold and we decided that we’re going to keep it. Deal with it,” said Evelyn. “I’ll make ye deal with it!” Mr. Krabs provoked as he lunged toward the two greedy fish. “Mr. Krabs, I don’t think that was in our script,” SpongeBob intervened. Before any violence could be dealt, however, they were all met with the landowner. “Break it up, all of you, I hate to make this confession now, but it appears that there was never any gold,” he said. Mr. Krabs, Nat, and Evelyn, all froze with disbelief, with the crab then saying, “What...what do you mean there was no gold?” “Look for yourselves,” the landowner continued as he showed the group the spot where all the gold was struck, being completely emptied out all of sudden, with nothing in sight except a certain pink starfish, feeling dizzy from a full stomach. “Turns out all that gold was actually a giant pile of dried-up caramel.” “It was all so...delicious,” Patrick groaned. “It was a bunch of worthless caramel and no one bothered to correct us on that?” Nat rejoinders. “I’m no gold expert, I just owned the plot of land that supplied it,” the landowner ensured. “You should all go home now.” The group of characters just sat in silence in misery over all the time they had wasted fighting over dried-up caramel that was now all inside Patrick’s stomach. “Hello? Can somebody help me?” Patrick asked. “I’m feeling kinda hungry again. I don’t think there was enough salt in that caramel.” Finally, SpongeBob spoke, “So...what have we learned?” “Absolutely nothing,” Squidward deadpanned. “Well, we did have ourselves yet another wacky adventure we could look back at fondly,” SpongeBob pointed out. "I guess you could say that was...the truth of gold!" “Put a sock in yer mouth, boyo,” Mr. Krabs chided. Because there was no other better way to end this crazy tale, the story ends with SpongeBob, of course, putting a sock in his mouth.