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185. Attack of the Shit That Came From Goo Lagoon!

One day, SpongeBob and friends were chilling at Goo Lagoon. SpongeBob and Patrick are dicking around in another Star Wars-esque sand castle war (see, I stayed true to my promise, there was another Sand Wars), as Patrick represents the First Order and SpongeBob represents the rebels (that's right, we're still relevant dammit!). Skodwarde is reading Mein Kampf again for the seriously-not-even-the-writers-know-how-manyth time. And yes, Larry was rubbing that "white stuff" on his nose, as everyone was having a nice old time. However, all of a sudden, a bunch of weird purple shit begins rising out of the waters! As SpongeBob and Patrick begin dueling out at sea butt-pirate style, they are risen up by a purple shit bubble, and begin riding the balls (hehe) onto the water, irritating people on the beach. Plankton (yes, because we just have to fit him into another goddamn special) is trying to sell his cum, when Skodwarde uses his god powers to make an umbrella fall on Plankton. Skodwarde then finishes ( :Laugh: )  Mein Kampf, and just sits back and laughs at Sheldon's misery, but SpongeBob and Patrick crush Skodwarde with their shit bubbles, which infuriates the god. Plankton laughs, telling him that's karma, bitch! SpongeBob and Patrick keep annoying people by bouncing on the purple shit balls, as Larry tells them that's not cool. Sandy then appears in the blink of an eye, warning everyone that after doing her fancy shmancy calculations, those bubbles are dangerous, and that if they pop, they'll coat the city in a poisonous radioactive goo. However, the citizens look at her as if Hilary Clinton just gave a new speech, not understanding her or just not caring (probably both). Sandy then dumbs it down for them, saying they'll DESTROY US ALL!!!

But naturally nobody gives a shit about what stupid squirrels have to say, so as more shit bubbles rise out of the lagoon, the Bottomites use them for their own pleasure. SpongeBob and Patrick tell Sandy to relax, because they are having so much fun, as they keep bouncing and crush an ice cream cart, causing Patrick to lick his ball. Sandy asks Skodwarde if he had to do with these bubbles, and he says it wasn't him...this time, no, it really wasn't. Did you think they were Skodwarde's jizz again? Sickos! Anyways, Plankton overheard what Sandy said, because he has to be in every special nowadays, and decides he'll go under-underwater (I know, that mindfucked me too) in a we all live in the yellow submarine high-tech submarine to find the source of the bubbles. Anyways, the purple bubbles become the newest hot attraction at Goo Lagoon, giving Stan Pines a run for his money, literally and figuratively, as Stan Pines himself makes a guest cameo (we gotta promote the Gravity Falls finale somehow), trying to take a bubble to the Mystery Shack as his new tourist attraction. Mr. Krabs tells him to fuck out of here with that shit, as he is the one using the bubbles for profit! Stan Pines then gives him the double bird, and Mr. Krabs shouts back "THESE CLAWS JUST AIN'T FOR MASTURBATIN'!", as they start tussling like men. As that goes on, people start using the bubbles for sexual acts as well (and I'll leave it there, you can use your imagination from there). Skodwarde molds the bubble into a breast and gropes it for shits and giggles, while SpongeBob and Patrick continue dicking around with their bubbles, bouncing on them like a rodeo (yeehaw!).

Perch Perkins and Johnny come to the scene and report how popular these bubbles are, as Sandy hijacks the newscast. She goes into one of her crazy Texan conspiracy theories about how the bubbles will DESTROY US ALL!! But once again, nobody gives a shit, as people keep having fun with the bubbles. Meanwhile, back under-underwater, Plankton finds a large asscrack in the ground, which is the source of the purple bubbles. Plankton takes a sample of a bubble, and asks Karen to run a scan. Karen reports the bubble is actually mutated sperm, and Plankton asks how the fuck that works. Karen explains the bubbles' DNA originates from Donald J. Trump's sperm, and that these bubbles, are in fact, his sperm, if you didn't figure it out already from the previous line. Karen reveals Donald Trump is such a popular ladies man, that whenever he finishes fucking a hoe on land, he pays the hoes money to have his sperm removed from them. To finish the job (we're just killing it, thank you, I'll be here all night), he dumps it underwater with nuclear waste barrels, which mutated into the purple goo bubbles (see, I told you it wasn't Skodwarde's jizz). Karen finishes the exposition by saying they are highly unstable, and when popped, they could destroy the city. Plankton decides to further insert his machine into the asscrack, which begins unleashing a giant purple bubble from the crack, as Plankton's submarine gropes it, and it rises up from the ocean, into the ocean (okay as you can tell this is going to get frustrating to write). The crowd stops doing whatever they are doing with their bubbles. Even Stan Pines and Mr. Krabs stop their fighting, as everyone stares at the giant bubble as if Donald Trump just won the 2016 election. Stan decides that bubble will make the perfect attraction, but suddenly, the mega bubble attracts everyone else's bubble into it, as it mutates even larger. Perch Perkins reports "This just in, we've all been fucked in the ass, literally and figuratively!", as his dildo shaped bubble that was in his ass removed itself and went into the giant bubble. The mega bubble then begins spitting out acid goo onto the beach, as the citizens scream and run around in circles. Skodwarde just laughs at it all and records it on his iPhone, sharing the video with his friends. Sandy then bitches and nags that "I told y'all, I TOLD Y'ALL SO!", and everyone agrees the mega bubble will DESTROY US ALL!! Stan Pines then decides on second thought, he shouldn't even be in this spin-off, and runs off like a baby. Sandy then asks who wants to help her save the world.

"I DO!" SpongeBob yelled.

"I DO!" Patrick yelled.

"I DO!" Mr. Krabs yelled.

"I DON'T! The Fuhrer always did predict a messy end..." Skodwarde replied, getting ready to leave town.

"Oh yes you will! No world means no money, and that means no money for you!" Mr. Krabs snapped back.

"I can make my own money!" Skodwarde replied, making a -$100 dollar bill appear with Hitler's face.

"No world also means no bitches!" Mr. Krabs argued, as Skodwarde gasped.

"OH NO! NOW WE HAVE TO STOP IT!" Skodwarde agreed, as the mega bubble began to move into the ocean sky and Plankton made an announcement.

"ATTENTION ALL MORONS, I AM GOING TO DROP THIS DISGUSTING NUKE ON THE CITY UNLESS KRABS GIVES ME THE FORMUOLI!" Plankton yelled, making a terrorist threat, as Krabs replies never (NEVER!! NEVER!!). Patrick also began playing this:

"Hey, it fits!-" Patrick said, jamming out to it, when suddenly, the mega bubble went in the gang's view, as they got out of the way, but Patrick kept jamming out and the bubble swallowed him into it, as it flew off.

"PAAATTRRRRICK!" SpongeBob yelled.

"I shoulda known that gul dang Plankton was behind this! Don't worry y'all, I got the perfect equipment to work with, come to mah treedome!" Sandy said.

"Wait, can't Skodwarde just wish it gone and have this over with?" SpongeBob asked. (probably a question people have been wondering for years)

"Actually, I don't intentionally not undo shit in episodes just to dick with you guys, I can't due to the god rules. If I resolve a conflict too fast and it doesn't fit the episode run time, I'll lose my powers," Skodwarde explained.

"God rules? Why is this the first time we be hearin' about this!?" Mr. Krabs asked.

"Nobody asked," Skodwarde replied.

"...Fair enough," Sandy said, as they went to her treedome, looking at her penal submarine from Skodtastic Voyage. Mr. Krabs complains it looks like shit, and Skodwarde says it was shit at one point (because that ship had to get out of there somewhere...), and cringes at the memory of it. Skodwarde uses his god powers to fix it up and make it pretty badass, as they all get into it. They drive it off and approach the mega bubble, which is flying through the city, headed toward the Krusty Krab. They approach the mega bubble, which was spitting acid into the city, as people ran around in circles still. A blob of goo then hits JCM in a cameo on the head, as he says "that's gross". The gang sees Patrick in the bubble, chilling there, as he waves to them. They tell him to get his ass in the submarine, but he says he likes it here, so Sandy sends a crane down and grabs his ass, pulling him back in the submarine with the gang. The gang then gets closer to Plankton's submarine, as they ram into it, and gangbang him, which causes Plankton to lose control of the bubble and it begins slipping. They tell Plankton the jig is up, as he accepts defeat, saying they won, game over, gg and all that. Mr. Krabs then wonders if they caught him too easily (no shit!). Plankton then activates an electricity bolt that he probably got from a death penalty chair, makes a pun on the electric boogaloo (haha), and it shocks the submarine, frying it into toast (GHOSTS!). Sandy says it's game over for them, as the submarine goes exploding into the ground with Michael Bay's production values. They then run like Usain Bolt and chase the bubble on foot, as Plankton stops in-between the Krusty Krab and Cum Bucket. 

SpongeBob asks Skodwarde if they could use their giant mecha from "The Clash of Tritawn!" to defeat him, and Skodwarde replies "oh yeah, that existed". Yeah, this may as well be called "Continuity Porn: The Episode". Skodwarde forms it, as all five form the Power Rangers mech and are ready to fight. "TIME FORCE, POWER UP-I MEAN, SPD EMERGENCY, WAIT NO, NINJA STORM-I MEAN, DINO THUNDER-" Patrick began blabbing, trying to mimic Power Rangers chants, but Skodwarde tells him to stfu so they won't get a lawsuit. As they launch missiles at Plankton's sub, he dodges it like a fucking ace. The mecha then grabs onto the bubble, refusing to let go, as Plankton tries jerking off from it. SpongeBob gets out of the mech in an Attack on Titan outfit and holds out a sword, as he begins swinging around the bubble like a fucking ace, going all Attack on Titan on the mega bubble. Mr. Krabs asks where the hell we had the money for that, but they all ignore him and just watch SpongeBob kick ass, because this is fucking awesome (and probably would be better than the actual ep, tbh). SpongeBob slices off one of Plankton's mechanical groping arms, as he points his sword at the window. He threatens he'll end this, but Plankton says on the contrary, because he pulls out a dildo shaped needle and threatens to POP THE BUBBLE unless Krabs gives him the formuoli. Krabs sighs, as SpongeBob tells him no, but he says it must be done. The gang accepts defeat, as the mecha holds out the formula bottle, and Plankton grabs it with one of the sub's claws. He thanks them for their patronage.

However, Plankton then yelled "SURPRISE!", as he pops the bubble anyway, which destroys the mecha, pissing Skodwarde off majorly because he just remembered its existence! The goo covers the whole town, as people scream and run around in circles, with the goo being everywhere. The heroes get out of the destroyed robot, all covered in goo. Patrick then licks it and says it tastes like racism. Plankton then laughs, as he opens the formula to reveal it says "boom". He is confused, as he then reveals there was a trademarked Michael Bay stick of dynamite (DYNOMITE!) in there. He then goes "aw shit-", as his ship explodes and he goes falling to the ground. Patrick continues eating the goo, and says it actually doesn't taste that bad. In fact, nobody even died (!). Sandy says she must have miscalculated, and Mr. Krabs laughs, yelling "SO LONG, SHRIMP!", as he picks up Plankton, covered in Donald Trump's lovely goo, and throws him into the Cum Bucket, as he yells "I WENT TO COLLEGE!". He says everything is back to normal, but Sandy points out THE ENTIRE TOWN IS COVERED IN GOO! Skodwarde says he has it covered, and makes it all disappear with his god powers, making the town spotless clean again (well, for now, because...you know). Patrick then asks "but where does it go?", as Skodwarde smiles.

Donald Trump is seen at a Republican debate, blabbing "Not all terrorists are muslims, but all muslims are terrorists!", when all the goo appears above him in a portal and rains down on him, as he turns into basically a human grape. The crowd laughs their asses off, as many Americans did that day. 


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Well here's my first ep as an official guest writer...even though it was written practically a year ago and spaced out to fit Nick standards :P


186a: Mr. Krabs and the Money Prostitute Factory

  It was an average day in Bikini Bottom. Skodwarde was bored at the loneliness. What else to do than fuck with his boss by making a new bank with a redundant title? Coincidentally, this was already done as a commercial comes on for the Bank Of Bikini Bottom Bank (which means it's a bank for another bank? Don't ask me I'm just a narrator, this was in the original show as well). For some reason it's giving out FREE INTEREST TO THE FIRST 100 CUSTOMERS THAT JOIN! YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, FREE INTEREST HELL YEAH! PLOT CONVENIENCE! So Mr. Krabs runs like Usain Bolt down to the bank of redundancy, and he gets there in time for FREE INTEREST! But he gets kicked out by God Of Supremacy Orange Cop, filling in for the Funky Cops, because he's a fucking psychopath. So what does he do? Dress in drag of course. He gets kicked out again because the God Of Supremacy Orange Cop has been given god powers to fuck shit up. He then dons the Imitation Krabs suit, and when that fails horribly, he just uses the tickle belt *AS SEEN IN EPISODE 17* to get his way through. Remember kids, nobody can stop the tickle belt. ;)

  Well now that he's in the safe because Skodwarde wanted to speed this clusterfuck up already, WE GET TO THE PART WHERE THE TITLE KICKS IN! Mr. Krabs finds himself surrounded in a vault of... MONEY! ALL KINDS OF MONEY! He then can't control his urges and goes fucking all the money, to the point where it scars Penny for life from his wonderful singing career. Then after a Charlie Sheen cameo where they all smoke cocaine, he builds a world full of... money. He even builds someone named Mrs. Greenback and gets on in some wild action which sadly can't be shown as the writer remembers he has to force SpongeBob into this somehow.

  SpongeBob is closing down the KKK (CONSPIRACY CONSPIRACY CONSPIRACY) building, when he discovers that... MR. KRABS IS MISSING! He asks Skodwarde what the hell he did to mess with Mr. Krabs this week, and he says nothing. Then SpongeBob resorts to using torture with a god-awful singing voice.


Skodwarde caves in within 5 seconds because nobody wants to remember that shit and we don’t have time to, so he says go ask Pole if he's home. SpongeBob does but Pole declines because, BEING A TEENAGER AND ALL, she doesn't give a shit about her daddy today. Patrick appears out of thin air and says he saw him at the bank,somehow, so they decide to break in BATMAN STYLE! They get a grappling hook, then climb up through a vent, which leads them right into the front of the bank's doors... yeah don't ask me again, this episode was flawed enough originally as is. They break in the vault with the help of Wile E. Coyote’s WRITER’S PLOT HOLE SOLVING ACME BANK ROBBING KIT USED SPECIFICALLY FOR CONVENIENCES! And during all of this, Mr. Krabs was oxygen deprived, to the point where he imagined he could actually fuck a fragile money “person” to the point where Mrs. Greenback spontaneously combusts and is killed due to all the pelvic thrusting within a 6 second sequence, and then it was re-made into popular vines everywhere because that’s what’s popular on there. Then there’s a funeral for the great Mrs. GreenBack, and all she did to end men’s lousy sex lives everywhere, as they will now just have to go back to PornHub like every lonely 35 year old fat bald person does. Mr. Krabs gets kicked out by God Of Supremacy Orange Cop yet again, who finally recovered from therapy over a child’s tickle toy. Feeling like he can beat Mr. Krabs’s ass another day, he promptly kicks him out, and Mrs. Greenback miraculously comes to life, so he has sex right in front of Mr. Krabs’s eyes. Adding insult to injury, Skodwarde makes it so that Mr. Krabs never deposited anything, so he cries like the little baby he is. Remember kids: the moral is to never be in a vault with a Krab who wants to fuck a prostitute he made out of money. R.I.P. Penny’s beautiful singing career, he coulda been the next Michael Jackson. :(

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186b. Plankton's Prick (feat. Future & Young Thug)

It's another cummy/slutty/man who gives a fuck day in Bikini Bottom, and Plankton is on the internet, bored. Karen walks in, and asks Plankton what he's doing. Plankton replies that he's been waiting a month for a new Skodwarde, but some fucking black kid has denied him the pleasure. Karen feels bad for Plankton in his moment of boredom, and decides to show him the joys of internet porn. She decides to start him off with Hot Wet Eels XXX 6, but Plankton accidentally stumbles upon some snail porn and is scarred for life, because that shit'll really fuck you up, man. 

Don't do it.

Plankton, now completely afraid of the internet, has sworn off of all porn forever. However, this makes him perpetually horny. One night, he tries to fuck Karen, but he quickly figures out that dicks and electrical sockets (or "cyber vaginas", as his wife called them) don't mix. Like, at all. So, one surgery on his criminally tiny penis (Editor's Note: Plankton's penis is actually like 12 inches long and he's fucking amazing this episode is blasphemy) Plankton returns home, to cry in penis pain for a few hours. However, Skodwarde hates the sound of people crying in penis pain (it's a distraction from fap time), so he uses his God powers to make Plankton's penis become disattatched from his body, and also sentient! In honor of this new development, Plankton decides to keep it as a pet, and name it (Cum) Spot. Plankton ropes SpongeBob in to help him train it, and the two bond over the course of 11 minutes (but "bond" is a word which here means, "had intense sex while Plankton's dick floundered in the background"). During this bonding, Cum Spot gets lost, and Plankton and SpongeBob have to find him! oh boy fake tension im sure you care a lot So Plankton and CumBob end up at Future's underwater trap house, and like usual, a huge party is bangin' out there.

SpongeBob and Plankton knock on the door and Future comes out. SpongeBob asks him where Spot is. 


"What was that? Again, please?" Plankton asks.


"Alright, he's just saying rap lyrics now. There's no way we're getting in there." Plankton sighs. SpongeBob gets sad and the two leave, right as a pimp fish enters the party. He tells Future that his party is fire and that he hopes Young Thug is there. Suddenly, Young Thug bursts from inside the trap house.

"NO HOMO WE SMOKIN' PENISES" he yells. He holds up a very small, very strange looking blunt. "NO HOMO BUT MY BLUNT LOOK LIKE A DICK"

"Hey, that's MY DICK!" Plankton yells. He runs up and snatches it from Young Thug, and proceeds to chastise him for thinking his dick was a drug. "Damn, now it's all burnt at the end," Plankton grumbles. Young Thug apologizes. Plankton asks him if his dick was passable for weed, and Future pats Plankton on the back and says that his dick was


Plankton, (Cum) Spot, and SpongeBob leave, laughing all the way. Now prepare for the show to embrace continuity as (Cum) Spot appears in every episode following this one!

hahhahahahaha just fucking kidding bitches you must've forgotten what show you're watching 

Edited by jjsthekid
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Note that 187a was posted on the previous page, feel free to read it in its proper order.

187b. The Poltergasming

One day, SpongeBob and Skodwarde are watching a quality program on the Krusty Krab television about a lady seeking help from a creepy fortune teller. They need to perform a seance to contact ghosts from beyond, as she states her husband hasn't been "doing his duties" well in bed, and now a pissed off and horny spirit is haunting their house, which she calls a... POLTERGASM! Kind of like that one American Dad! episode (well not "kind of", I mean word for word BUT ANYWAYS). Skodwarde says "this is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen", while SpongeBob keeps watching, either out of legit curiosity or in a so bad, it's good kind of way. The fortune teller tells the lady that she needs to fuck the living shit out of her husband and make him experience the zenith of orgasms to drive it off. After doing the deed, Skodwarde is unimpressed, but the fortune teller then says: "Come back next week as we try to get rid of a poltergasm haunting a Sorority House!" Skodwarde says now this is something he could be interested in, while SpongeBob is scared upon hearing ghosts (TOAST!). He says whenever this spin-off fucks with ghosts, it usually never goes well. Skodwarde tells him to stop being a big pussy, because if he can survive whatever ungodly (haha god puns) crap this spin-off has thrown their way, he can handle ghosts, especially considering he's met the motherfucking Flying Dutchman. SpongeBob claims that the Dutchman is a different story though, because "they are on good terms" (or so he thinks). Anyways, after that nonsense, Old Man Jenkins makes his first appearance on Skodwarde in what feels like forever, as he wishes to have an order.

"What up young whippersnappers?" OMJ asked.

"Hey dickwad, didn't you try killing me? :stinkeye:" Skodwarde asked, referring to the events of "Who Killed Skodwarde Testicles?".

"I did lad, I did! But over a year of traveling around a fictional spin-off setting makes me realize things my man. I've seen...life. I'm sorry brotha for my dark misdeed, I just wanna live the rest of my days as an old washed up man, and spread peace everywhere-" OMJ was rambling.

"On a scale from one to ten, how stoned are you right now?" Skodwarde asked.

"Probs over ten. :Laugh: Anyways sonny, I'd like me the nice ol' Krusty on Dank Rye to go," OMJ said, telling his order, as Skodwarde and SpongeBob looked at him with "not sure if serious" looks.

"We serve shit here, sir. Now order something on the menu." Skodwarde reminded.

"I already told you boi, I want me a Krusty on Dank Rye!" OMJ said.

"Is that some sort of Hawaiian slang? That's not on the menu, now get some glasses old man, cause you need them! (so does the writer)" Skodwarde snapped back.

"It was once me favorite sandwich, and it was number nine (yes, not 69 this time) on the menu! Now, y'all better give it to me or this old feller's gonna sue your ass cheeks off!" OMJ complained.

"No worries, I'll make it! ...Except I don't know how!" SpongeBob said, not sure what a "Krusty on Dank Rye" even is.

Customers began to bitch and whine that the old man won't move, so Mr. Krabs storms out of his office, sensing potential customer complaints in the bottom of his wallet. Mr. Krabs kindly asks OMJ to get the fuck out of his restaurant. OMJ then refuses, saying that if African Americans can protest for rights, so can old men, as he does the equivalent of a sit-in by refusing to move out of the line, as the customers were getting more pissed off. SpongeBob asks Mr. Krabs what exactly the hell a Krusty on Dank Rye is, as Mr. Krabs goes into one of his boring ass stories about how a long time ago, exactly 20 years ago, there was a restaurant called Rusty's Krusty Rib Eye, owned by a dude named Rusty Shackleford who died. The Krusty on Dank Rye was one of the most dankest food items in the sea, which for some reason OMJ thinks the Krusty Krab will have, but I guess that's his memory getting to him. Anyways, Skodwarde says not even his god powers could give him the sandwich, just because he's a dick like that, and says he is a disgruntled customer. SpongeBob says they can never deny a guest, even the most ridiculous request, stating he wish there was some way he could contact a ghost from beyond. He then hatches an idea in his pants to form a seance, as he asks Skodwarde to which he accepts if he can talk to some ghosts, hoping they have some powerful supernatural drugs.

Later that night, SpongeBob calls Patrick up because why not, as he comes to the ritual for a threesome with Skodwarde and SpongeBob. Before Mr. Krabs leaves, completely oblivious about what they are going to do, he tells them no wild raunchy parties or orgies or other whacky shit while he's gone that could summon a potential poltergasm. Skodwarde is appalled Mr. Krabs believes in that bullshit, but Mr. Krabs ignores him and tells them to have a nice night as he leaves. SpongeBob then is ready to perform the seance, as he pulls a crystal ball out of his ass and places it on the table. Patrick then acts odd, as he asks if he can balance the ball on his head. Skodwarde asks if this is some kind of new sexual act, but Patrick promises it isn't. They both shrug it off, as Patrick is spread out on a table with the ball on his head. SpongeBob pulls a mustard container out of his ass with ingredients on how to summon the spirit of an undead chef, and Skodwarde asks how many ass pulls he has in his ass, because he has more than him! SpongeBob also says to summon an undead chef, he needs two people in a sexual position. Skodwarde tells him to fuck out of here with that shit, as he ain't do any of that shit with him. Patrick tells him to shut the fuck up and just do something that looks kinky. Scared of Patrick's strange and sudden harsh out of character language, Skodwarde makes a dildo appear and he tickles Patrick with it. SpongeBob then recites some gibberish from his book, as the crystal ball begins glowing. The spirit of Rusty Shackleford appears before them all, as he asks what time it is. Patrick gasps, as suddenly some dark essence transfers out of his body into the crystal ball, as it explodes open to reveal... PATHULU! They all give reactions probably like this:


Pathulu laughs, as he is now separated from Patrick. Skodwarde is confused, as he thought he was defeated back in "Skod-Cano!'. Pathulu tells Skodwarde he was not fully defeated, he was only sealed away inside of the pink fatass. He's been slowly regaining control over Patrick and forcing him to do evil acts for a while now at random (which connects back to his mini-arc from episodes like "Barnacle Faise", "Pet Fucker Pat", "Bubble Buddy II", "Faise, Freeze!", and "Patman: The Pink Pimp Rises"). He then says he is going to unleash hell upon the world now that he is separated from Patrick's body. SpongeBob asks how Pathulu even formed inside of Patrick. Pathulu explains he is an ancient evil galactic overlord who blew up planets and shit, gaining attraction of ladies across the cosmos. One day however, a powerful wizard fought him and turned him into a condom, as he went falling down into the sea. Patrick then found the condom and used it on his first time, as upon usage, Pathulu's soul fused with Patrick's. SpongeBob asks why he never knew any of this about Patrick, and Patrick replies he didn't know either. Skodwarde is not amused by this plot twist, saying this clusterfuck of ghosts and aliens in one episode seems like the plot of some shitty M. Night Shyamalan movie. Now enough exposition, Pathulu says he plans to kill all three. Skodwarde says it was not nice knowing them, as Patrick runs out like a big fucking baby, smashing through the windows and off to get Mr. Krabs.

SpongeBob asks Rusty Shackleford to make the Krusty on Dank Rye sandwich now, as Skodwarde fights off Pathulu, saying this time he is going to slay his pink evil ass for good. As the battle goes on in the background, Rusty tells SpongeBob to write the recipe down, but he keeps breaking his pencil, so Rusty just decides to show him. He puts it together out of driftwood, ass crust, beer, WD-40 and marijuana. Wala, it's done. He asks SpongeBob to try some, but he vomits upon trying it, and takes the sandwich. The scent of the Krusty on Dank Rye summons some moar ghosts, as they circlejerk around the restaurant, causing mayhem, shit to float around, and other 3spooky5u stuff. Skodwarde keeps fighting off Pathulu, as Pathulu shoots evil tentacles from his mouth, which shoot dark blasts, and Skodwarde cockblocks them with his sword. SpongeBob asks the ghosts to kindly leave, but they tell him to fuck off, and keep making spooky shit happen. Patrick then comes running back in, as he screams and runs around in circles. Everyone stops what they are doing and is confused. Mr. Krabs enters in very pissed off, as he transforms into Armor Ass Krabs!

Armor Ass Krabs pulls a vacuum cleaner out of his ass from Luigi's Mansion, as Skodwarde asks how the hell people keep hiding all this shit up their asses. Krabs tells the undead motherfuckers he's going to show them what happens when they mess with Armor Ass Krabs's restaurant, as he begins succing all the ghosts into the vacuum, including Rusty. Pathulu tells him he will not be sealed away again, but Armor Ass Krabs punches him right in the kisser (Did he just punch out Pathulu???), as he succs him into the vacuum. As he goes in, Pathulu yells he will return and devour their souls, but nobody really gives a shit, as he goes in with the rest. Skodwarde then takes the vacuum cleaner and opens the Fly of Despair, as he throws the vacuum through it and it closes. Skodwarde says that takes care of that, even though he is pissed off he didn't get any supernatural drugs due to the shenanigans. SpongeBob asks if that truly is the end of Pathulu, and Skodwarde replies it should be, probably... for now. SpongeBob then asks if Patrick is okay, and he replies with "Is it 3am?". SpongeBob laughs, saying that's Patrick, but Mr. Krabs isn't amused. He told them to not do any whacky shit over night, and what do they do? Whacky shit! Although he is relieved it wasn't a disgusting orgy or raunchy party, at least. SpongeBob and Patrick apologize (Skodwarde doesn't because apologizing is for squares), as SpongeBob says he just wanted to get the sandwich for the crazy old coot. Krabs tells them to never have seances without his permission again, saying "ghosts are like women, once they are in your life, they never leave".

The next day, SpongeBob gives OMJ his sandwich, as he enjoys it, giving it the OMJ seal of approval. Both are satisfied, as OMJ says this is some of the dankest shit he has ever had, so he gives them dank cash in return. SpongeBob is glad everything is back to normal. Suddenly, a loud moaning sound is heard through the restaurant, as OMJ gasps, saying they've been poltergasm'd! Everyone panics, as little do they know the noise is just Patrick in the bathroom jerking off to some supernatural pornos he got off-screen from a ghost.

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188a. Penny the Pornstar

One day, SpongeBob is in the Krusty Krab kitchen masturbating to pictures of a cat with large breasts. He cums right onto the back on Skodwarde's head, causing Skodwarde to turn around and yell at SpongeBob for jerking off while handling food. The customers, hearing this, look at their contaminated burgers and immediately vomit. Mr. Krabs comes out of his office to see the customers leaving in droves. He asks Skodwarde what the fuck is going on, and Skodwarde points to SpongeBob, who is still masturbating. Mr. Krabs tells SpongeBob to "stop scarin' off me money with ye sexual deviertions". SpongeBob apologizes, saying the pull of Penny the Pornstar was too hard to resist. Mr. Krabs wonders what the big deal about Penny the Pornstar is, and SpongeBob says that she's been able to swallow record-breaking amounts of cum, making her the most famous pornstar on the planet. A dick-shaped lightbulb appears over Mr. Krabs' head, and he realizes he can take advantage of Penny the Pornstar's fame by getting her to visit the Krusty Krab, ensuring her adult fanbase will want to come, too. Mr. Krabs tells SpongeBob of his idea, and he jizzes his pants in excitement.

Later that day, SpongeBob stops by Sandy's treedome for a fuck-session. He asks Sandy if she would consider swallowing today, and Sandy asks where in tarnation he got that idea. SpongeBob tells her about Penny the Pornstar, and Sandy, who is very racist against cats, claims Penny's swallowing capacity is as real as her tits. SpongeBob, who is offended by her insults, cuts their fuck-session short, and he prepares for a fuck-session with Patrick as they wait for Penny the Pornstar to ride into Bikini Bottom on her cum-mobile. When SpongeBob tries to paint his and Patrick's testicles to resemble cats, though, Patrick runs away in horror, leaving SpongeBob to wait for his idol by himself.

The next morning, Penny the Pornstar rides into the city as promised, drinking a large bottle of cum as crowds of people cheer. SpongeBob overhears her complaining that she's still hungry, and he says that she should get a bite to eat at the Krusty Krab. Figuring that she might as well listen to the advice of a total stranger, she goes to the Krusty Krab and orders a Krabby Patty. Her fans follow her there, though, chanting "Swallow! Swallow!" She looks at a secret cumpartment hidden under her fur and decides to empty it before doing any more stunts. She runs into the restroom and opens a stall to find SpongeBob masturbating to a picture of her. SpongeBob looks up from the picture to find the actual Penny the Pornstar holding her cumpartment. SpongeBob asks her what it's for, and she reveals that she spits all of her cum into it. SpongeBob, horrified to learn his favorite pornstar doesn't swallow, runs out of the restroom in tears.

Skodwarde asks SpongeBob why he was in the women's restroom, and SpongeBob tells him and everybody at the Krusty Krab that Penny the Pornstar is a fraud. Penny the Pornstar comes out of the restroom with her cumpartment and confirms SpongeBob's accusations, saying she's already made her money and has no reason to lie anymore. Her fans, however, blame SpongeBob for ruining their fantasies and beat him to a pulp before leaving. Penny the Pornstar throws the cumpartment away for good and thanks SpongeBob, who is near death at this point, for letting her be her true self again. After she leaves, Mr. Krabs comes out of his office to see that everyone is gone. He then returns to his office, not wanting to know what SpongeBob did to fuck it up this time. Despite Penny the Pornstar being a phony, SpongeBob accepts that she's still hot and goes back into the restroom to masturbate to her. Skodwarde is about to tell him he went into the women's restroom again, but then says "fuck it" and goes into the men's restroom to masturbate to pictures of his idol, Adolf Hitler.

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Finished the guest write ep in time for SOF. 

188b. Ratings Jumpscare

It was a normal day.

A very normal day.

A day so fucking normal that I'm getting bored writing about it. Hell, who even cares about this episode anyway? Nothing even happens so I might as well just end this episode here. I mean blah blah yeti, who cares? Nobody even reads this spin-off anyway. Hell, nobody even uses this forum. Nobody even uses the internet. NOBODY EVEN EXISTS. It's just an illusion. You're not real. I'm not real. Hell, this episode's not real.

...but since I signed up for this crap, I'm gonna have to do it. Skodwarde was just sitting there, reading magazines or some shit, when Mr. Krabs started yelling about some crap he had to do. Skodwarde obviously could care less, so he just let the old fart yell and scream cause his shitty magazines are better. SpongeBob decided to every possible chore around the Krusty Krab, because he's a completely flat optimist character that no one at all can relate to. So when Mr. Krabs asked Skodwarde to do work, he had nothing to do. So Mr. Krabs just kept yelling about some crap, until they just decided to shoot him because GOD THIS STORY IS MOVING SO SLOWLY. So Mr. Krabs devised a plan to get Skodwarde off his ass and doing whatever he wanted. 

He told a tale of the Ball Knocker Krab, a crab that rips your balls off if you're not working. SpomgeBob knew of he lost his balls, he would have to get a uterus. This struck him with so much fear that he kicked in to mega action turbo drive, which basically means he does everything faster and shittier. Skodwarde still couldn't care since he didn't believe the story at all. Neither did Krabs, so he thought it was just some act. Besides, even I'd the Knocker was real, he could just regrow his balls using his god powers

MEANWHILE, somewhere out in the west, a real Ball Knocker Krab was pretty hungry. Normally, after being told to by Patrick, he just eats the sperm he rips from people. But today, he was actually hungry for some real food. So he went to the Cum Bucket. But he soon found out Plankton wasn't in this episode, so he went to the Krusty Krab. And when SpongeBob saw him, he did start working faster. But of course, the Ball Knocker didn't give a shit, and neither did Skodwarde. But he did when SpongeBob destroyed his crappy magazines. Then he said "Fuck you Krabs, I'll show you". And he made a shitty disguise as a Ball Knocker Krab which was so fake it was laughable. And the Ball Knocker did laugh, and then got really mad because he's schizophrenic or something. Just then for no reason Krabs walked in the door, which makes no sense since he was already in the Krusty Krab before, although viewers are goldfish so who'll even know or care? Right? *insert greedy corporate laugh here*

So now the Ball Knocker Krab has SpongeBob, Skodwarde, and Mr. Krabs tied to a chair while he sharpens his claws and gets ready to do away with their sperm machines. Skodwarde knows this is bad, because ratings show that series with male characters in the main roles get higher ratings! So he tries to use his god powers to escape, but they don't work when he's under pressure since now cause I don't fucking care about the amount of plot holes that brings up in continuity because I just want to finish writing this god damn episode already! So now, in the last moments of being men before they're all transformed, Krabs says something about a new world order and the Ball Knocker becomes gay for Krabs and they all become friends and live happily ever after as men.

Aaaand, now we wait for common sense media to call this episode sexist or something like that. Because it probably is, but I don't care. I wrote this episode in like 5 minutes. You're probably just glad this is my last planned guest write because it's not as funny as jjs' episodes or whatever. I don't know. Just quit reading already.

Edited by Lana Loud
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Meant to get this out during the spin off festival, but I suppose the day after isn't too bad neither. Also realized during my time writing this that this month (June 11th, to be exact) marked the fifth anniversary of Skodwarde! So even better, a fifth anniversary special. Well, here you go.


Episode 189: Skodwarde, You're Fucked (also known as Forever Skod in different regions since that's what puts them in their happy place)

One day, it was a pretty run of the mill day at the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs was paying alimony to his own money, SpongeBob was paying alimony to his fresh off the grill Krabby Patties in the most halfway annoying way possible before sending them off to their alimony paying customers, and Skodwarde was hard at work reading, laughing and flaunting the diary of Anne Frank to everybody within earshot for a fucking change of pace. The mental clock in SpongeBob's brain told him that it was time to ruin Skodwarde's day. A couple of plungers and beach thongs later, and day officially ruined. Not amused for the last time, Skodwarde used his god powers to conjure up a Slice-O-Matic (AS SEEN IN EPISODE 189!). Then he just goes ahead and shoves SpongeBob right up in there, chopping him up into oblivion. It was over. It was finally fucking over. After 189 episodes of this shit, ding dong, the bitch is finally dead! Just like that! Even Skodwarde couldn't believe that worked, he expected some sort of nautical nonsense like talking sea cucumbers or Neptune's dildo to get in the way, but they never did. Even Mr. Krabs had to make sure for sure that SpongeBob was really dead by examining every last nook and cranny left of him with the best forensic science his money could afford. Think about that. Mr. Krabs willingly spent his own fucking money out of his own fucking wallet just to make sure. It was that big of a deal. An eerie calm descended upon the fast food establishment. When the results of his findings finally came in, Mr. Krabs only had three things to say.

Mr. Krabs: "Skodwarde, yer fucked."

Skodwarde demanded an explanation as to why he was being fornicated, to which Mr. Krabs explained by literally fucking Skodwarde and making the squid nazi call him "Pappy". Old Man Krabs goes on saying that Skodwarde is fucked, SpongeBob is fucked (as explained by Krabs fucking his remains), he's fucked (as explained by Krabs molting his shell and then fucking it), every other character on the show is fucked (as explained by Krabs knocking door to door of every other character on the show and fucking them in the doorway) and all because Skodwarde decided to jump the shark (which Mr. Krabs didn't want to literally explain because sharks eat crustaceans like him for breakfast, after all). Now that Skodwarde has finally killed SpongeBob, it may rake in some ratings and money now but everything from here on out will be fucking nothing, man. Game over. They'll have to re-do the opening sequence by replacing it with one that's about as soulless as the one Fairly Oddparents is using now. What else can we possibly throw in there that'll make viewers come back for more? A Skodwarde pregnancy? The talking dog from the fucking Shell Shack?! More Skolliam, a proverbial Mary Sue!??!? This has already taken up two paragraphs of our six paragraph runtime, this is how serious this should be built. News of this has even hit the Yahoo homepage! We haven't been doing this spanning 9 seasons over 5 years for nothing!

Having officially gone downhill from here, the rights to Skodwarde gets abandoned by each of the writers, who have almost all moved onto the next big thing in SBC showbiz: SBC Lits. As a result, Skodwarde is sent packing to Davy Jones' locker where he wallows in gin, juice, of course cum, as well as self-pity. Then one day, Pathulu escapes the blackhole known as continuity and comes over to get something off his chest, which Skodwarde removes with his god powers. Pathulu is also there to remind him that Pathulu once had his own spinoff lined up for him once many a moon ago, but that he was fucked by two dipshits at the last minute and was sent into the locker much like how Skodwarde is now, but that he managed to bounce back by landing a role on Skodwarde instead. He tries motivating Skodwarde by telling him that he needs to "put himself out there" if he really wants to return to relevancy. No longer unamused, Skodwarde does just that by whoring himself out to anybody that's anybody willing to claim this living, breathing sloppy second (or is it sloppy twentieth by now?) as their own. Unfortunately for him, SBC Lits are spreading faster than that thing in It Follows and he's a fucking spinoff character. go figure. And soon enough, he finds himself back on the road clinging to former glory by making appearances at Spin Off Festivals held all across creation, signing autographs that cost an arm and taking photo ops that cost a leg, to the most raucous of crowds.


Skodwarde continues this vagabond life of a hustle, disloyalty and disrespect until one day, Clappy gets two of his cohorts, WhoBob and Katniss, to abduct Skodwarde during a pubic appearance and bring him back "home". Once back home in Clappy's back pocket, Clappy orders Skodwarde to "work dem spinoff corners and make me mah likes, ya dig!" But before Skodwarde could dig anything, he's immediately sprung free by Wumbo, who wants to use Skodwarde for his music reviews because it might give people an actual reason to check out his blog, ya dig. But before Skodwarde can even direct site traffic, he's liberated by Nuggets, because a squid nazi being written solely by the polar opposite of a white person is SpongeBoard ironic gold. But before Skodwarde can even bust out the noose, he's busted out by JCM, who has a legally binding contract that permits him to appear in everything in creation. But before Skodwarde can make any cameos within cameos, Jjs finds a loophole and frees Skodwarde from the JCM treatment. But before the next Skodwarde/Storm Racers crossover can even take place, he's shot out of Storm Racers canon by Trophy, who wants to make Skodwarde a trophy like the plethora of other badges in his collection, as well as because his seemingly wiki-exclusive spinoff hasn't taken off quite yet, but the NBA Finals are on so fuck all. Then comes in CNF, CDCB and Fa as one person! SOF tries to get a piece of dis hot Skod on Skod writer action, because his typos are fully accepted in this spinoff. Then Box comes in the mail, who then uses his world championship kickboxing skills to disappear. Jelly comes in swinging, misses and then goes back out the way she came. Rev up those fryers breaks his leg in the ensuing chaos. Halibut stakes a claim at the rights to Skodwarde, but is debated into submission. Cha's too busy binging Gintama to appear here! Fred finally arrives and he's regretting it already! Then suddenly

???: This looks like a job for a goddamn hero!


It's the OG Skodwarde writer, Old Man Jenkins! And he's here to #MakeSkodGreatAgay- wait, no, he's just here to do what he should've done in SBCPU and that's to tell everybody to get their asses back into gear because the Talking Dog at the Shell Shack is the true mastermind behind not only the Silent Hill series


But also this elaborate, convoluted episode. And it's revealed that it has also systematically taken over the remaining remnants of the Atlantean Empire following the untimely coup and execution of their lord royal highness, Ziggy Stardust (I hope that's not too soon), hoping to use their lust for revenge against Skodwarde & friends for fucking up their shit (see, continuity aint dead) as well as use their vast wealth of knowledge of how to stay relevant over the decades, little china girls and top of the line non-painful (therefore non-pleasurable) sexual torture instruments to indeed insert itself into the Skodwarde formula (because if Pixar can have one, then we can have one too! And we also make people cry, with laughter. Or cringe)  in order to truly #MakeSkodGreatAgayn because nobody's ever made a spinoff based off him, goddammit as far as I'm aware. Fuck Kenny the CatPenny the Pornstar, a talking dog is SpongeBoard gold! Guided by the combined writing credentials of each member of the writing staff (besides Jelly, Box, Cha, Trophy and Fred) Skodwarde leads the Skod Squad (or God Power Rangers, whichever gets you off) into battle against the Talking Dog at Shell Shack and the Atlantean Empire.


And they all bust out their copies of the infamous diatribe and fap to it furiously, fantasizing that Hitler is giving them all mustache rides. Jjs obviously gets a mustache ride the highest as he gets to deal the final blow (hurrhurr) because he's the current show runner as of this writing (which makes him our Cole for you Power Ranger enthusiasts). And then this happens because we now have the budget and we're blowing it, literally.


But just imagine Skodwarde and all the Skod writers in their place cuz our budget still ain't that top dollar. Also imagine jizz, lots and lots of jizz. The Atlanteans bring back their canine ruler by "making their monsters grow" but little do they know, we can make our monsters grow too, heheh. Pause. So ready or not, here it cums


So Giga Skodwarde takes the fight back to the Talking Dogzilla and after some maritime lunacy involving eyebeams and doggy style, Skodwarde finally neuterlizes the Talking Dogzilla from Shell Shack by pee pee eye lazoring it doggy style, which forces the Atlanteans back into obscurity never to be brought back up again. I hope. The squad return home to Clappy's back pocket, where they finally put the equilibrium of the universe back into order by having Skodwarde use his god powers to bring SpongeBob back to life because fuck all. Fast forward to E3 2016, and the Skod Squad are on dick to announce that Skodwarde is still alive and well and that he will indeed be a new playable character in Skylanders to hype up 5 MORE YEARS OF PURE, UNADULTERATED SKODWARDE! 


And meanwhile, the Talking Dog at the Shell Shack...IS FUCKIIIIIING! Cum on! And we all rush over to the Shell Shack and don't take a good, hard look at our lives for keeping this shit going for so long. So yeah, thanks for getting Skodwarde this far, everybody! Who'd've thunk? Now special closing credits montage of all the reactions to Skodwarde when it first premiered!






Oh wait, a post-special closing credits montage scene. Skodwarde returns to his humble tiki head commode, but is unamused to find that Flats the Flounder has already been inside waiting for him. Flats commends Skodwarde on somehow bouncing back into relevancy after that convoluted jumping of the shark, but the sharks, well, lets just say The Sharks ain't too amused about that. He informs Skodwarde that The Sharks want to see his cephlagod ass dead and will go to any lengths to can his tail fin, vacuum-packed like tuna. But even yet, that's still the least of the squid nazi's worries. Flats then confronts Skodwarde with the fact that we're already halfway through season 9 and that there's no way he can possibly buy himself anymore time, especially not with Jjs' high demand. He'd be most likely to burn through posting the rest before the unstoppable force that is Skodwarde inevitably comes face to face with the immovable object that is running out of good fap material. Skodwarde sends down a well thought out and organized list of Ten Commandments as to why that day will never come, but Flats remains unconvinced, telling Skod that 

Flats: There's no way you can Game of Thrones it here! Every story reaches its end eventually, a lot moreso with these adaptations, and when they do, THEY'RE FUCKED!

Skodwarde asks just what he is cuz no one can be this thick headed, to which Flats replies simply, "The Fucker." Flats cryptically and suggestively warns Skodwarde that he may have denied him glory in the past, but that was back in season three or some shit. This is season nine now, bitch. His libido has only gotten stronger since then. His flat dick has only inched more and more as Skodwarde inches more and more to his end.

Flats: No amount of god power can save you from the absolute fucking that's in store. Your end is mine.

Skodwarde: Nein if I fuck you first.

Skodwarde goes to smite flats, but the lights in the house flickers on and off, on and off, and Flats is nowhere to be seen. Skodwarde turns back to see that Nosferatu isn't tampering with his electric bill this time.



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190a. Lost in Da Hood

One day, SpongeBob and Skodwarde walked to work. SpongeBob says this is taking too long, and Skodwarde tells him to stop his bitching, because this is the same path they have taken for the past 9 seasons. SpongeBob says that it has been 9 damn seasons of taking the same route to work every day, and he wants to shake up the formula. He says he'll take a shortcut to work! Skodwarde replies "good luck with that" in a twist of delicious irony. Literally and figuratively, as Skodwarde is smugly eating a doughnut he got from Drug Funnie's Dank Donuts while saying that. He then makes his Pimp God Boat appear out of thin air, and hops in it, driving it off through the path. SpongeBob then takes the path to the right (TO THE RIGHT TO THE RIGHT TO THE RIGHT). After hearing that joke in the parenthesis, SpongeBob keeps on shuffling to the tune of Cupid Shuffle. As he keeps shuffling, he is too fucking stupid to notice Skodwarde's Pimp God Boat approaching him. Skodwarde honks his horn, very pissed off, because not only is SpongeBob listening to a song with the lyrics "brand new dance" when it came out in 2007, BUT HE IS ALSO STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN ROAD! Skodwarde then decides to run him over, but SpongeBob quickly shuffles to the left and gets out of the way, as Skodwarde keeps on driving off. SpongeBob decides to take another route, and a few seconds later, he ends up in a part of Bikini Bottom he has never been to before, looking like Detroit. He hears gun shots, cries for help, and sees lots of run down buildings. SpongeBob then smiles, thinking he took the right path. 

However, SpongeBob is unfamiliar to this setting, so he starts to piss his pants a bit like a baby. Sandy then appears in some memory cloud, reminding SpongeBob of his wilderness training. I don't know how wilderness training will help the kid out in a trash town, but whatever. She reminds him to find and label landmarks in case he gets lost, or some bullcrap like that. SpongeBob thanks the Dream!Sandy for the reminder, and he swats her away, as she cusses at him in Texan slang. SpongeBob then explores through the strange city. He sees a sign called "Da Hood" on a run down building, and decides this must be the name of the place. He then sees...A BUSTED FIRE HYDRANT (cue Steve's friends' voices)! SpongeBob names the hydrant "Helga" (may or may not be a Hey Arnold! reference, take your pick), and marks it as a landmark. SpongeBob keeps walking through the street, when a hooded teenage fish appears, holding a gun. He tells SpongeBob to give him all his fucking money Denny, and proceeds to ask him if he is with the popo. SpongeBob tells them to fuck off (!), thinking they are stoned out of their mind. He warns them he knows karate, and gets ready to kick some ass. The kid then hears a police siren and runs off. SpongeBob laughs, saying that'll teach him. SpongeBob then sees the police siren was actually the Funky Cops, as they pass by. SpongeBob tries to wave them down, but they are in a high-speed chase. SpongeBob then sees a sign resembling the Krusty Krab's in the distance, and deduces it must be the Krusty Krab, so he runs to it. Meanwhile, back at the Krusty Krab, Skodwarde is seen reading Mein Kampf for the I-really-don't-know-how-manyth time, and Mr. Krabs tells him to get off his lazy ass and get to work. However, Skodwarde points out that there are no krustomers in the restaurant! Mr. Krabs then feels like a dumbass, but then realizes SpongeBob is missing. He asks Skodwarde where SpongeBob is, as he is always early to work, but Skodwarde reassures him not to worry. He says that he may have been distracted by a variety of things on the way, such as an orgy, stripper, Patrick, or he decided to take off. Mr. Krabs laughs, reminding Skodwarde nobody has taken off at the Krusty Krab since the Cum Famine of '59.

Meanwhile, back in Da Hood, SpongeBob makes his way to what he thinks is the Krusty Krab. However, he is disappointed when he sees the sign says "Krusty Lust" instead of Krusty Krab. He sees it is a stripper club, and a hooker is outside, smoking it up. She asks "hey there sweet cheeks, want to make me happy? :hands:". SpongeBob asks where the Krusty Krab is, and the hooker replies she doesn't, but she can show him something "krusty". SpongeBob thanks her for her help, and gives her two Krusty Krab coupons. She then starts to take off her clothes, and SpongeBob doesn't like where this is going, so he goes to the right (TO THE RIGHT TO THE RIGHT TO THE RIGHT), and keeps walking, pretending he never saw that. He feels lost, so he cries like a fucking baby and runs back to where he started. He tries to find the hydrant he marked as Helga, but he notices there are tons of broken fire hydrants! He then notices a dead body that wasn't there before though, so he marks that. SpongeBob then sees a payphone (I'M AT A PAYPHONE, TRYING TO CALL HOME-), and in a complete moment of sheer stupidity, apparently doesn't know what a payphone is. He manages to figure it out and inserts a coin to call Skodwarde. Skodwarde answers on the other end and starts saying "he'll pay back soon enough", but SpongeBob says it is him. Skodwarde asks why the hell he is calling him, and SpongeBob says he is lost in somewhere called "Da Hood". Skodwarde replies "Ha!", and the call disconnects before SpongeBob can continue. Skodwarde assumes SpongeBob either got raped, murdered, mugged, or all three, and goes back to reading Mein Kampf. The pay phone operator says SpongeBob needs to insert another dime (but which kind (smirk)) to continue the conversation. He looks around and sees... AN ABANDONED SOFA (cue Steve's friends' voices)! He sees three tough-looking fish on it, smoking blunts. SpongeBob then carefully puts his hand under the cushions, searching for coins. He grabs some dimes, but one of the fish feels SpongeBob's hand under their ass, as the three see him. SpongeBob begins to walk back like a pussy, as the fish in the center gets up, approaching SpongeBob angrily. He asks what the hell he was doing. SpongeBob replies he was just looking for money so he could call a friend, since he is lost. The fish then laughs, and introduces himself as Scott. Scott tells SpongeBob he is a pedicab driver, and SpongeBob is confused, asking if he lives here. Scott replies he doesn't fuck with Da Hood, he was just chilling out on this couch to take a smoke break, since it gives him the kick to start his busy day. He says he'll give SpongeBob a ride to wherever he wants to go, and SpongeBob is happy, as he has found Jesus. SpongeBob hops in the pedicab with Scott. The two other fish on the couch (which includes Scooter for some reason) clap for Scott, and the other says he'll have saved enough money to attend community college next year. What a guy.

Scott asks where to. SpongeBob replies the Krusty Krab, and within 5 seconds, Scott arrives outside of it. SpongeBob thanks Scott for his services. He bids farewell, but he sees he was actually taken to "The Krusty Krap", not the Krusty Krab! Seriously, Mr. Krabs needs to trademark the Krusty Krab so these bootleg places can stop popping up. SpongeBob begs for Scott to come back, but he drove off (wah wah wah). He then notices he is running out of time, and panics. He then takes another shortcut, by running like Usain Bolt. He goes over the cliff, through the toxic runoff, make a right into an STD filled sewer pipe, over a garbage pile, fall down a mountain of shit, up a hill, and wala! The Krusty Krab is in the distance (YAAAAAY!)! He still has two minutes to go, and makes his way into the Krusty Krab, covered in garbage, but alive! SpongeBob cheers and cries, as he looks around. Skodwarde is surprised he is alive, as SpongeBob hugs two random customers, saying how he has missed them. He then kisses an old lady, saying how he has missed their youthful faces. He then goes into the bathroom, stating how he has missed that too, and the customers run out in privacy violation. But most of all, SpongeBob has missed that choking guy, as he hugs him so tight, he spits out the food! SpongeBob then brags to Skodwarde that he made it, and Skodwarde replies "Once again, congratulations". SpongeBob then notices Patrick, and he asks how Patrick got here. Patrick says he got a ride from Scott, saying he is a cool mofo. Scott is seen outside in the pedicab, and SpongeBob stops him. He asks Scott why he took him to the Krusty Krap and not the Krusty Krab, and Scott replies he thought he heard him say "Krap", and Skodwarde says he doesn't blame him. SpongeBob forgives him for the misunderstanding. Mr. Krabs then overhears customers leaving due to SpongeBob's stench, as he comes out of his office to see the commotion.

Mr. Krabs tells SpongeBob he looks and smells like shit. Skodwarde deadpans "we serve shit here, so it fits". Mr. Krabs tells SpongeBob he must go home right away and get cleaned up. SpongeBob replies "aye aye captain!", but Skodwarde is pissed that SpongeBob gets to skip work and take a bubble bath. Mr. Krabs tells Skodwarde he is as neat as a pin, and tells him to get back to work. Skodwarde tells him "he'll show you as neat as a pin, old man!". Skodwarde goes outside and starts acting like a maniac, rolling around in dirt, and drenching himself in jizz. He tells Mr. Krabs he is ready for his bubble bath. Mr. Krabs pulls out a hose used to stop civil rights protestors, and sprays it at Skodwarde. He tells him to get his ass back to work, as SpngeBob and Patrick laugh. Scott drives over a puddle with his pedicab, which soaks Skodwarde even more, who lays in the puddle. Scott stops and looks at the scene. Mr. Krabs asks who the hell this dude is, and SpongeBob and Patrick explain he is Scott, one of the coolest motherfuckers in the seven seas. Skodwarde is not amused by him however, but Mr. Krabs doesn't give a shit, asking if Scott would like to work for him. Scott replies that he appreciates the offer, but he already has a decent paying job. However, he says they are a chill gang, and wouldn't mind being their friend. SpongeBob and Patrick call him their friend, and SpongeBob tells Scott he can stop by for lunch break. Skodwarde, while not totally on board with Scott, says a new reoccurring main character could be useful for when the ratings get low, so this could shake up the same formula the spin-off has had for 5 years now. The same hooker SpongeBob met in Da Hood then appears, holding a coupon. She asks who fucks the best here, and the gang points to Skodwarde, including Scott. The gang laughs, saying Scott is getting the hang of it already. Skodwarde then uses his god powers to vaporize the hooker on screen (damn, an on-screen death AND a new character, we really are going all out for 9.2). Scott asks if this is a normal thing, and they assure him it is. Scott then hops onto his pedicab, promising he'll hang out with them. He drives off in his pedicab, and Mr. Krabs admires him from the distance, saying "aye, there goes a true American hero". Skodwarde says he is still not that impressed by Scott, but Mr. Krabs tells him to shut the fuck up and get back to work.


Yes, Scott will be a reoccurring main character now. Scott is love, Scott is life. :squilliam2:

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190b. Tutor Sauce

It’s just another goddamn Tuesday in Puff Mama’s School For Shitbrained Drivers, and SpongeBob is yet again putting the Shitbrained in Puff Mama’s School For Shitbrained Drivers, this time surviving suicide threats by running over a black fish, resulting in him being mistaken for David Duke in disguise, to where he runs sobbing to his job as a fucking mess that he is. Of course nobody wants another All That Glitters or Funny Pants, so Mr. Krabs shuts him the fuck up by chopping his lips off so he can’t sob, then shoves towels into his eye sockets so they don’t get flooded again, despite being underwater of course, gotta love the logic here. After figuring out that it’s the driving test, Mr. Krabs decides to teach SpongeBob himself to save us the trouble and efforts, but they have to go pick up his car from the dealership. Unfortunately….this is the guy at the dealership: 

Unfortunately, they failed the pissing challenge which they needed to get the car back, and as SpongeBob didn’t want to get neutered or have his ass penetrated, they went to the arcade for some reason. Mr. Krabs decided that there was a perfect test there for SpongeBob while he got the car himself, which turned out to be... POLE POSITION! 

YES, POLE POSITION, EVERY CLASSIC GAMER’S WET DREAM! Unfortunately, SpongeBob kept on leaving skid marks on others souls, as he kept on crashing as per usual. On his 9,258th try, out of nowhere Jeffrey the Jellyfish is thrown into the screen, amidst a bloodbath between him and Patrick that is to be continued at a later date.

Clearly Mr. Krabs is not going to work at this rate, so to move on with the actual plot, Skodwarde zaps him into another dimension where he can’t dry hump money, and suffers from cynical depression. Skodwarde strikes a deal with SpongeBob: He’ll help SpongeBob learn to drive, if he can help Skodwarde in his all out zeppelin war against Skolliam, due to god rules. The Titans are strict bitches who also love to see the gods suffer, and have given Skolliam the same powers as Skodwarde, which cancel out both of them for the time being. If Skodwarde wins and gets ownership of Skolliam’s billionaire playboy empire, SpongeBob will magically be given the ability to drive without being a perfect fit for Clustertruck’s vision. Believe me, he’s where they got the animations from. Once inside Skod’s lead zeppelin, he meets a young woman who looks to be around 20 years old as the commander of the fleet, nicknamed Sauce Mama for her combat experience in making sauces out of thin air to use on enemies by stinging their eyes and burning their nostrils as a distraction for Skod’s army to drop Zyklon B pellets down below, not giving a damn about any civilian casualties. Skod showed Spongey the controls, and gave him the rights to fly the ship that Sauce just happened to be on, expecting immediate results.

Of course, SpongeBob has to be shown the controls again by Sauce at a painstakingly slow process, due to him taking out half of Skod’s army in a huge explosion that can only exist in Michael Bay’s sweet, wet dreams, right after avoiding her threatening to wedge a huge lemon right up there in his rectum. Then he goes too slow in fear for his ass in the 2nd time today, and falls behind the army, then keeps on rotating sideways that looks like a log rolling over a fire to where it makes Sauce hurl, then spout threats of shoving a katana in his retinas if they didn’t speed up. He did just that...but instead due to crying like a baby, his vision is blurred by his own tears, that he destroys the rest of the ships including his, Skolliam’s head, and Skodwarde’s! He also crashed directly into Skolliam’s house, which held his assets. Skolliam stormed out while Sauce fled to get Skodwarde, leading to a fight between the new god, and...this guy:

Skolliam raged about how he hasn’t gotten used to the powers yet so he’d have to wait a long time to get his bitches back, and as sweet payback he’d keep SpongeBob alive in the worst possible physical condition. He tried punching him in the throat, but SpongeBob absorbed his blows like he was made of spongy material, or something like that. Then Skolliam went again for the neck...until he realized SpongeBob didn’t have one or any solid bones for that matter. Since he wasn’t used to the powers he decided to try them out, until he got hit with hot sauce in his eyes! Skodwarde and Sauce have returned! :o Skod takes advantage and thanks to the timing, he strips Skolliam of his powers to get over to the more important aftermath.

Sauce was still chastising SpongeBob...but differently. She said that she wanted to murder SpongeBob as a way to avoid a crush for him that was placed by Skolliam! :o She wanted to fuck the virginity straight out of him, and proceeded to do so, but Skodwarde was having none of Skolliam’s plot. Sauce tried dearly to slash Skodwarde with a kitchen knife, but god powers rule everything. She had no chance, and was thrown away like a lifeless rag doll, swearing a revenge including a bloody rampage at a later date. Skodwarde laughed it off, until he remembered he also had another bloodbath to stop in PatrickvJeffrey, but only after SpongeBob got insertive and threatened to jerk off into his copy of Mein Kampf if he didn’t bring back Mr. Krabs for status quo. Oh and since SpongeBob destroyed his Le(a)d Zeppelin, he never learned to drive from any of this, and everyone had to go to boating class for causing a huge traffic meltdown on the highway which this all conveniently took place in. Gotta love the attention to details, huh?

Unbeknownst to them...Sauce still had the connection with Skolliam, who still had a multimillion industry left over...this wasn’t the last, or anywhere near the worst she would get, so stay tooned kiddos...well you probably don’t want children to see her wrath and what she’d do. ;)

Edited by jjsthekid
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191a. Skod Plus One (Dick)

Skodwarde is just chilling at his house, questioning the meaning of life and the very point of existence like usual, when there's a ring at the doorbell. Skodwarde gets up and goes to get it, expecting to see SpongeBob, but he quickly becomes excited because this is Season 9B and there are new writers with new ideas! He opens his door, praying that it's not SpongeBob...

Guess who it fucking is.


Image result for donald trump

yeah boy does this muhfucka look like spongebob i didnt fuckin think so bitch hoesack

If you guessed Presidential candidate Donald Trump (although I don't know why the fuck you'd ever do that) then you guessed it. U was right. Skodwarde asks what the fuck Donald Trump is doing underwater, and Donald tells him that he's expanding his campaign to the murky seas below. Skodwarde doesn't really know what that means, so the Donald tells him that he's going to spread his special brand of honesty to the sea floor so he can rack up hella votes, and he's gonna try to build the wall under here too. Trump hands him an invitation to his special event, the Galleria Dicktheria, and says there will be plenty of fuckin' and suckin' as long as he brings a plus one. Skodwarde agrees and asks Trump if he wants to get on his knees and suck the dick of a God, and Trump reacts like this

Image result for donald trump funny face gif

and he leaves with his face even whiter than before. Skodwarde then debates who he's gonna take to this very special event. SpongeBob smashes through Skodwarde's door, begging to be a part of the plot, but Skodwarde tells him to go fuck himself into oblivion, and decides to pick an even better partner to go with: the first black President of the United States!

Image result for bill clinton

Skodwarde and Bill really hit it off, especially when they discover that they share some of the same pastimes, such as jacking off, masturbating, yanking it, pulling the pud, beating the banana, and crocheting! Bill asks Skod if he engges in fun acts, such as having sex with white women they aren't supposed to, and.... Yeah that's pretty much it. Skod can't relate, but they have a lot of fun together, but SpongeBob is lowkey getting sick of all this political shit in his cartoons, you feel? While Bill and Skodwarde are up in Skodwarde's God palace of a room, SpongeBob sneaks in and jacks all over Bill's special jacket. Later, when Hillary comes underwater to pander to the underwater citizens, she stops by to have a threesome with Skodwarde and Bill because she's a freak like that dog. When she finds dried cum on Bill's jacket she has PTSD flashbacks to the Lewinsky days, and turns into a vengeful bitch who goes on to devise a plan that will divide the Avengers forever that decides to bring Bill back up to the surface so she can use the cumstain to gain points with her gay voters. Skodwarde, now alone, looks for more political figures to latch on to. He tries to get John Boehner to be his plus one, because his name sounds like boner.

John Boehner sits down and has a long talk with Skodwarde and says that if he wants to take a government representative down underwater to a fictional event led by a fictionalized version of a maniac, that he's better off just taking the hunk of yellow dick cheese that he hates so much to the party instead. Skodwarde thinks about this for a minute, and decides that this is the sad truth. He returns underwater and curses the shitty situation he's in, until he realizes that there's a way to get exactly what he wants. He just has to run for president.

Coming soon: The Rise of A Wall - Skodwarde 2016.


pls just fuckin kill me 


Edited by jjsthekid
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191b. DJ Patrick

Story by: Trophy

Ah, we open at the Krusty Krab…again, which at this point in the series, I'm sure nobody gives a fuck about. Patrick walks in to tell Skodwarde his order, who is pretty pissed off right now and doesn't feel like talking to Patrick. Before Patrick orders, he asks Skodwarde what we are doing in this episode. Skodwarde facepalms, reminding him that we were supposed to do some shit with businessmen or whatever. However, Patrick hates the idea, and Skodwarde also surprisingly agrees with Patrick for once in his life, realizing it's a pretty "plain" and "boring" idea. It's not Skodwarde-ish enough. He instead suggests to Patrick that he could become... "DJ Patrick". Yup, the same DJ Patrick some knucklehead made up on Tv.com over 10 years ago. Patrick likes the idea, saying he's always wanted to be a DJ, so he goes into the DJ business, granted by Skodwarde's god powers. Patrick gets some cool ass jammin' skills, and delivers some sick sparks beats across the Bikini Bottom radio stations, becoming praised. While jamming his turntables at his rock, a shady recording manager visits him. He has a suggestion to make him one of the best DJs who ever lived, and DJ Patrick begs him to tell him his ways. The recording manager tells him to throw one of the raunchiest, wildest, biggest, and jam-packed parties in history at his house. DJ Patrick agrees, and he invites multiple people there for a jamming party. He invites SpongeBob, Scott, Mr. Krabs, Larry, JCM in a cameo, some asshole off the street, various other fish that don't need to be named, and Skodwarde, who becomes a co-DJ with Patrick, as they raise the roof. Even Pinkie Pie arrives in a cameo (this was the guest writer's choice, don't question it), bringing her party cannon. However, something strange happens at the party. People realize Skodwarde spiked the alcohol. Really fucking hard. I mean... really damn hard. SpongeBob and multiple people get extremely drunk and tipsy, acting like wild animals. DJ Patrick keeps jamming though, oblivious to how dangerously drunk everyone is. However, out of nowhere, the Funky Cops make a surprise appearance outside Patrick's rock. They knock on the rock, asking to open up, claiming they got reports of a loud party. The rock opens, as they walk in to see a few drunken fish in an orgy party, even DJ Patrick. Skodwarde admits this is has to be one of best episodes we've ever pulled it off. DJ Patrick agrees. The Funky Cops, hearing DJ Patrick's jams, decide to get in on the party and dance off with everyone.

T-T-That’s all folks!

Edited by jjsthekid
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192a. Cumpany Picnic

One day, SpongeBob is playing with patties on a grill. One of the patties is a man with a large patty penis and the other is a woman with large patty tits. As he makes them have hot, greasy sex, Skodwarde watches and, against his better judgment, masturbates to it. Mr. Krabs walks out of his office to find Skodwarde pleasuring himself to patties fucking, and after applying the appropriate amount of brain bleach, he tells SpongeBob and Skodwarde to stop slacking off. SpongeBob says that he has nothing else to do because business is slow today, and Mr. Krabs comes up with a bunch of bullshit errands for him to keep himself busy with. SpongeBob ain't about dat lyfe, so he convinces Mr. Krabs to take him and Skodwarde out for a picnic instead.

Meanwhile, at the Cum Bucket, Plankton is eavesdropping on the Krusty Krab because he doesn't have a life. Hearing about the picnic, he decides to go there and cause trouble because, again, he doesn't have a life. In Jellyfish Fields, Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, and Skodwarde are sitting on a pile of jizz-stained tissues. Skodwarde asks where the food is, so Mr. Krabs takes out a bunch of mayonnaise packets and tells them to go nuts. SpongeBob squirts mayonnaise onto his fingers and starts to lick them off suggestively, prompting Skodwarde to say that he's getting the fuck outta there.

Suddenly, a bus appears with the words "Cumpany Picnic" on it. Plankton walks out of the bus, and Mr. Krabs asks him what he's doing. Plankton says that he's simply having a picnic with his employees, and robot versions of SpongeBob and Skodwarde walk out of the bus. Plankton gives the robots food and porno magazines, and Skodwarde steals the food and dirty mags when Plankton isn't looking, eating and masturbating at the same time in a rush of pure euphoria. SpongeBob watches Skodwarde in agony, and Mr. Krabs asks him if he wants to join his coworker, which SpongeBob insists he doesn't. Mr. Krabs says "more for me," and he starts eating the food and masturbating to the pornography Skodwarde has scattered around him. SpongeBob, deciding porn is more important than integrity, joins them.

After an hour, the porn and food disappears, turning out to be issues of cosmopolitan and Plankton's cum, respectively. SpongeBob, Skodwarde, and Mr. Krabs vomit as Plankton, sitting on the projector that fooled them, laughs, one of his robots massaging his antennae and the other jerking him off. As Plankton walks back to the bus, SpongeBob, Skodwarde, and Mr. Krabs catch up to him. He asks them how they're doing, and they step on him repeatedly. He says it's so totally worth it right before he dies. At home that night, SpongeBob takes out an issue of Cosmopolitan and says no one will ever know as he masturbates to it. Gary, who is right under him, meows wearily.

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192b. Pirates of the Arrgibbean 

One nice day at the Krusty Krab, Skodwarde was ready to get his ass out of there. Suddenly, the day turned not so nice, as Neptune whipped up a wicked storm. This storm is so wicked, Skodwarde can't even teleport himself out of there, also because of the god rules that prevent him from being a part of what is about to happen. Seeing how pretty shitty it is outside, Mr. Krabs offers the two lads to pull out some barrels and listen to one of his old man stories, reminding him of a day like today's storm. Skodwarde doesn't feel like hearing another one of his boring ass stories after "Faise, Freeze!" and "The Poltergasming", but SpongeBob is eager to hear. Mr. Krabs decides to share a story from his days as a swashbucklin' sailor in the navy, as Armor Ass Krabs! Skodwarde shrugs this off and reads Mein Kampf again.

One day a long time ago, on a stormy day just like in the present, a cargo boat is seen being fucked side to side by the strong winds. Inside the ship, Mr. Krabs is seen in his younger days, with his Navy buddies Iron Balls, Mutton Scrotum, Lockjizz Jones, and Torpedo Penis (yup, the same ones from "Hell of a Man"). Mutton Scrotum hopes they get some of that "pirate booty" (if you catch my drift (smirk) ) across distant lands. Mr. Krabs is seen cooking food for his friends and crew, when suddenly, Captain Scarfish (who bares an uncanny resemblance to Patrick) bursts into the room. His nose smells a smell, that smelly kind of smell, that smells...smelly. He says someone on board is cooking something actually good. Captain Scarfish ain't having that shit, who seems pissed off, scaring the crew and even Krabs's navy friends. Scarfish tells Krabs that this isn't a ship for any of his weird ass food, they are pirates, and they are gonna eat like pirates. He orders Mr. Krabs to make some shit on a single at once or he'll throw his ass overboard. Krabs tells him "aye aye, captain", and makes some shit on a single (aka chipped beef). Scarfish says this weather better cool its ass down, as it is shown their ship has a shit ton of viagra they need to deliver to distant lands.

Mr. Krabs gives the chipped beef shit on a shingle to a crew member, who vomits after eating it. Iron Balls says that Armor Ass Krabs needs to grow some iron balls of his own and makes whatever food he wants. Krabs agrees, saying he is not going to serve them shit food anymore, and that he will make what he wants. The crew cheers in excitement. Mr. Krabs starts making actually good food, and sharing it with the crew. Scarfish gets word of people being happy over the food, and is not happy when he sees this. As a result of this, he has Krabs thrown into the brig, much to his protest. Scarfish orders the guard, an Ensign (who bares an uncanny resemblance to SpongeBob) to keep an eye on the prisoner. Krabs says they don't call him Armor Ass Krabs fer nothing, so he tries to use his armor ass to break out of the prison. He rams his ass against the prison bars, but they won't break. The Ensign is seen eating some cotton candy, and Krabs hatches an idea in his pants. He asks him to build something cool with the cotton candy. The Ensign replies he built a dildo out of the cotton candy if that counts. Krabs facepalms, but then realizes this might work. He asks if he can have it, and the Ensign gives it to him, not seeing a problem. Krabs ponders if he should do this, thinking about his Navy code. One thing makes up his mind though, as suddenly...

BOOM!!! The ship becomes under attack by other pirates! The Ensign panics like a baby, as Krabs manages to get himself out of the prison, realizing they need help. In the distance, a pirate ship was firing canons at them, led by a Pirate Queen (who bares an uncanny resemblance to Sandy). Krabs notices several Navy men stranded on an island. He goes into a cabin, seeing his Navy buddies and crew all too fattened up from their food to do anything (what a bunch of lazy bums). The pirate ship fires at the Navy ship, as several holes are poked in it. Scarfish threatens to have Krabs "in irons", but Krabs tells him they need to attack back, pointing out how a smaller boat is headed towards their ship. Scarfish says that their cannons are ornemanetal at best, or oralmental, pointing out how it resembled a dick. Krabs gets an idea to break open their viagra supply, which will float out to the island and give the Navy men strength. Scarfish says his idea is way too risky and is mutiny, when Engisn tells him to do as he says, threatening him with a slingshot. Krabs ask what his ammo is. Ensign replies he took some old sandwich crusts and turned it into ammo. Krabs says this is surprisingly genius, as they get a bunch of old ones, and put it into the cannon. They fire it at the pirate ship, sinking it. However, the Pirate Queen and her crew have already boarded.

Krabs fights them off Pirates of the Caribbean style, as Krabs tells Ensign to poke the viagra barrels. Ensign does so, as he manages to break open a viagra barrel while Krabs keeps struggling to fight the pirates. The viagra floats out to the island and revives the sailors. As Krabs loses his weapon, a telescope, he is threatened by the Pirate Queen. He says to himself she doesn't look half bad. However, the stranded Navy men appear, and manage to overpower the pirates. The crew cheers for Armor Ass Krabs, shouting that exact name. The Pirate Queen is seen behind bars, and Krabs gives her a pie. Inside of it was a cotton candy key to help her get out. Krabs and the Queen keep winking at each other suggestively, confusing Ensign.


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193a. The Humpback of Bikini Bottom

The scene starts with a huge heavenly chorus above the flower clouds of Bikini Bottom, the screen goes through Bikini Bottom before arriving at Conch Street to three neighbors' houses. Patrick hops out of his rock home. After a nice long game of (insert recent trendy console game here) he scratches his backside and stands there for a good solid 42 hours. The author throws a brick at his head, only causing minor brain damage.

"Morning on Conch Street, the city awaits to the balls of Bikini Bottom! The jellyfishers squirt their jelly, the fry cook makes special sauce, to the balls of Bikini Bottom. To the vaginas as wide as Bubbleass, to the little balls as small as Plankton's dick. And some say the soul of the town's the toll of the balls. The balls of Bikini Bottom!" Patrick sang while taking a breather after reading the author's Google doc she sent to him for this episode. 

"Listen, they're beautiful no? So many uses, so many changing erotic moods. Because you know they aren't made by themselves. Up in that pineapple under the sea lives a mysterious snail hoarding sponge. His origin is a tale, a tale of a yellow tampon and retired game show host." Patrick sung again and literally pulls a flashback scene out of his ass.

SpongeBob, Puff Mama, Mr. Krabs and Sandy are scene trying to smuggle marijuana, smelling Sharpies, hemp, shrooms and basically any other thing you've seen off of SpongeBong HempPants.

"Dark was the night when our tale was begun in a street of Bikini Bottom.." Patrick sung as he narrated the scene.

"Shut it up will ye lad!" Mr Krabs. quietly got angry at SpongeBob who was jingling his boo boo keys to his door really loudly as he tried to unlock it as soon as he could.

"We'll be spotted!" Sandy whispered in a state of fear.

"Hush little one!" SpongeBob said tenderly to his Jellyspotters membership key chain card with a picture of him flashing the camera man. 

"Four frightened smokers silently opened SpongeBob's door, at the street of Bikini Bottom." Patrick sung in a karaoke microphone. "But a TRAP had been laid for the stoners and they gazed up in fear and alarm... At an old man's who's clutches were powerful as much as the balls of Bikini Bottom." 


"Animal caretaker Bob Barnacle longed to clear the world of unspayed and unneutered pets and citizens. And he saw hornyness with everyone except within." Patrick continued as the chorus joined in.

"Bring these puffers to my humble abode." Bob said at literally no one. He had forgotten to take his daily old man medicine and thought he had actual guards. "You there! What do you have?! Fertile reproductive organs, bring him to me!"

"So the sponge ran.." Patrick said as SpongeBob tried to hauled butt inside his pineapple to get another hit of some LSD drugs to fully enjoy this experience. Bob Barnacle rode on his money wheel.

"SANCTUARY! PLEASE GIVE US SANCTUARY!" SpongeBob pounded on his door even though he unlocked it just a few paragraphs ago. But he was so high on everything he bought from the Barg "N Mart (for all your stoner needs!) that he forgot. Bob attacked him and begun the genital mutilation.

"My golden coral bits!" SpongeBob screamed and fell on the floor. Bob was ready to gut out SpongeBob's entire body for the hell of it when..


Cried the Dr. Gill Gilliam, the only Bikini Bottom doctor ever shown regularly, Snail Disease Expert and Snail Expert yelled. "Haven't you spilled enough blood near the entrance of this druggie's home?" 

"He ran, I pursued." Bob Barnacle simply said to the random stranger.

"You may lie to yourself and your live studio audience. You may claim that you haven't an erotic thought. But you can never can run from nor hide what you done from the eyes.. the eyes of Bikini Bottom.." The doctor sang as Skodwarde's house had been staring at them the entire time but quickly resume it's place. 

"And for once in his life Bob Barnacle felt a twinge of fear in his wang below.." Patrick narrated once again. "And Bob took care of the sponge and gave it a hideous nickname that no nose knows to this day. Tell me now who's the monster and who's the man-" 

"Move the fuck on already with this story." Skodwarde said, clapping his hands as the scene changed.

Bob Barnacle had been slowly removing the citizens and their pets lower eras in hopes of bringing down the population. With all the billions of nematodes and anchovies around every second in the city, who could blame him. SpongeBob had not been allowed to go outside. It was the broken butt story all over again. Bob Barnacle was forced to go to the festival as it was a requirement of a person who worked for the city.

One day SpongeBob sneaked out the Bikini Bottom Hug & Fucc Fest where everyone got orgy crazy. He was about to get busy with Harold the fish and was already naked. But Patrick the part-snail citizen suddenly crowned him the King of Fools for being so fugly without dick. At first they seemed cheerful at how ugly he was. But soon they made fun of him and pelted him with Free Day Zoo peanuts. SpongeBob was sorrowful and regretted he ever went out of his pineapple for the first time in 2 hours.  However there was one snail who showed him kindness, despite how old it was and how much it resembled Ozu. (Like just look at those bitch's eyebrows, no joke.) The snail untied SpongeBob from the sexy gags and bonding the citizens had done to him. Bob Barnacle who had been watching these events was furious at this snail for not letting SpongeBob be punished for being outside. Bob charged the snail with indecency and not being spayed. She mocked him and ran away.  

  With much appreciation, SpongeBob decided to take the snail in, Senor Poopus aka Esmeralda into the pineapple where he knew Bob wouldn't be able to harm them with all the fumes of  illegal smoking shit burning in there. SpongeBob decided to wear a drag blue weave and pink gown for now on and be the self proclaimed Snail Lady of Bikini Bottom. Not because of the lack of a penis, he just really enjoyed being comfortable to wear anything. 

Meanwhile Skodwarde was getting bored of this poorly written adaptation. So instead of some random main character like Larry the Lobster or someone as Phoebes the leader of Bob's knights, Skodwarde took the role. He killed all others who tried to take it away from him. But then he realized five minutes in, holy shit! He's allergic to snails now!!! So he sat this one out until he felt it necessary to end this story and got out his allergy medication ointment. Bob Barnacle waited for ages for Esmeralda to come out so he could not only spay (despite how she was old and infertile she was), but he would kill her the first chance he got.

SpongeBob and Bob also all fell in love with Esmeralda but it was pretty nasty. A story only worthy for the Hug & Fucc Fest indeed. They both later sing songs about their undying boners for the elderly snail's love. With Bob's song being located in the recently and conveniently added fireplace of the Price is Right studio. Bob was ashamed for his burning (hahahoho) passion for a pet and asked for god for forgiveness. Though Skodwarde really didn't give a fuck to listen, as he was busy binging on Once Upon a Time.


Esmeralda's snail home was hidden from the town finding it. It was called the Court of Miracles where hundreds of more snails remained hidden from Bob Barnacle.  When she safely made it back her home from the pineapple with help from SpongeBob, Bob was furious that she escaped and started burning all the shit in the town down. Thanks to gracious Skodwarde once again for allowing fire underwater, mind you. SpongeBob went to warn Esmeralda and the other snails of Bob's plans to kill them all but it was too late, Bob had secretly followed him there.

 When he found the snails' hiding place, he had all of them chained to his Neuter Scooter. Esmeralda was tied up in the middle of the town to a building as citizens and snails were forced to watch her about to be destroyed. Bob Barnacle got out his Hydro-Dynamic Spatula with Tying Tubes and Spadeboard Attachments. He menacingly walked towards the frightened pet. Seeing this SpongeBob like Tarzan swings in and grabs the poor snail. He runs over roof tops all the way back to the pineapple. He stands on the roof with her.

"SANCTUARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" SpongeBob cried out holding Esmeralda over his head.

"OH NO YOU AIN'T." Bob Barnacle screeched like a chimpanzee and teared off his shirt to reveal beautiful and powerful old man abs.

SpongeBob and Bob Barnacle dueled each other on the roof with light sabers resembling the cross until Skodwarde got bored enough finally. He made Bob fall and break his old spine into mini bite sized pieces.

From the money SpongeBob stole from his wallet, they were able to do whatever they want now and Bikini Bottom was free to make as many children and get horny as much as they wanted to. (yay!?)  Soon afterwards with the late Bob's funds, SpongeBob got his dick stapled and taped back on by Dr. Gill Gilliam. SpongeBob and Esmeralda through hormone medicine by Gilliam,had many children after this and they lived happily for years. That is until Skodwarde remembered the Victor Hugo original novel's ending on how most of the main characters die. So on their fourth honeymoon, he poisoned their drinks. 

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