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I guest threw something together just for the holiday...

Skodwarde's Shorts: Moldy Butt

One dark and stormy night, Skodwarde worked double overtime at the Krusty Krab. His boss, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, ordered him to take out the trash full of old, moldy sponges for it started making his crotch burn up hotter than hellfire and brimstone. Skodwarde, not amused by such a command, used his god powers to kindly get Krabs to go fuck himself before going home to take it up the ass all night for all I care, thus developing the moldy butt for which this short is aptly titled while Krabs, who was kindly still fucking himself at the time, ordered SpongeBob to do the dirty work for him, but unfortunately for our porous protagonist, tonight would be the night where a bad, shit green moon was rising and coming into contact with tainted sponges tainted him as well. Moldy Sponge has arrived, it was like in that much more famous story. It was weird, it got queer, it was pure allegory. GORYYYYYY

al·le·go·ry noun \ˈa-lə-ˌgȯr-ē\

: a story in which the characters and events are symbols that stand for ideas about human life or for a political or historical situation

For example, weird and queer, for those of you fucking peasants too fucking lazy to grab a fucking dictionary at least once in their fucking lives. So did the moon or the sponges trigger the transformation, you may be wondering? Well if you have been paying attention this entire time, that makes you a nerd with nothing better to do. But what of Krabs? Well he found out he could make money by learning to recycle. And some say he's still working up a sweat kindly fucking himself til this very day. And what of everyone else? Who gives a rat's ass, they bored the shit out of me. They can catch Ebola for all I care. And what about Sir Skolliam, you may ask?





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New ep


it's incredibly ridiculous because upon rewatch this episode doesn't really have a ton to work with tbh


161b. Mr. Krabs Does America (Seabola: The New Semenal Age)


Sandy laughed as she stretched out on the beach in dumb ol' stupid  Texas. She was with her hick squirrel cousins, yukkin' it up, and having a rip-snortin' good time. Skodwarde, angered at the absence of his casual fuckbuddy, poked his head out above the ocean surface to see the buck-tooth, ugly-ass squirrel sitting under an umbrella, looking at the sun. Skodwarde scowled. He used his God powers and struck a man standing in the water with the worst thing it is possible to have.




And an intensive case of the shits.


The man convulsed and fell into the water, gagging and spitting (not to mention shitting uncontrollably), spreading ebola into the sea. Sandy hopped up and looked at the man, yelling.


"WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TA ALL MY FRANDS IN BUHKEENEE BOTTOM?!" She yelled in her godforsaken country accent.


Skodwarde smiled and sank back beneath the ocean.


= = =


Ebola, or Seabola, as it was called under the sea, had taken over Bikini Bottom, making it's already borderline braindead citizens do more, braindeadier things, such as spread their disease to others! Mr. Krabs, in an effort to stay alive, took a 1 week vacation to the only place a normal person would never go: The Bikini Bottom Mint. Mr. Krabs hops in the car, and Pole comes along too, just so she can bitch and make the episode a little bit worse. When Krabs gets to the mint, he finds SpongeBob in the trunk, a sole survivor of the Seabola crisis. Knowing SpongeBob could be the only cure, Krabs takes SpongeBob into the mint. When asked why, Krabs tells him to shut the fuck up, money heals everything me boyo believe me.


Whilst in the Mint, Mr. Krabs unfunnily fantasizes about money about 12 times, while SpongeBob goes to the side and whacks off. The Mint owner, Dill(do), is sick of not just Mr. Krabs fucking with all the money in his Mint, but is also sick of money jokes that have gotten really out of hand since Season 6 goddamnit. So, Dill recruits SpongeBob and Krabs to get out of this mint, and destroy the writing team of Luke Brookshier, Marc Ceccarelli, Nate Cash, and Derek Iversen, to end the Seabola crisis and end the onslaught of money jokes. They take a road trip, picking up fish bitches, strippers with tons of nasty transmitted diseases that are much worse than ebola, and the gang also watches a fair amount of porn- I mean, had a fair amount of bonding time, y'know? Yeah. That's it. 


The gang gets to Burbank, California, and confronts the Red Lotus four writers. The writers, anticipating the arrival of characters that were fictional, explained that it's very hard to keep ideas fresh for 5 years straight. Mr. Krabs tells them to shut the fuck up, calling them small dicked lazy ass writers who need to be kicked out of the animation industry. He continues to insult them, trashing their entire lives, until he comes to a stop. The writers stare at him flabbergasted. 


"...Our dicks are NOT small!" They protest. The writers, SpongeBob, Krabs, and Dill compare dicks, and since SpongeBob is apparently only the size of a human foot, of course his dick is smaller. SpongeBob says he'll show them his capacity, and, then, let's say Skodwarde has a wild hair up his ass and ups SpongeBob's fapping power to 11, making him fill all of California, not to mention the sea, with semen, drowning all the members of Bikini Bottom, ending the Seabola crisis, but at a cost. SpongeBob looks into the spooge filled ocean, laughing like fuck at all of his dead friends because this show has no continuity


= = =


200 years later, a young Sponge walked into the Bikini Bottom Museum that was in that mediocre episode about David Bowie. The tour guide led him and his group to a statue of SpongeBob, holding his dick and smiling. 


"This statue is in commemoration of Mr. SquarePants, who filled the ocean with semen some 200 years ago, ending the Seabola crisis, and sealing the ugly stripper portals in Bikini Bottom with the help of a fish named Dildo, who apparently had a bad case of crabs or something. This man single-handedly led this ocean into a brand-new semenal age. We now live in harmony with the bitches and whores living in this fair land. They'll literally do anything for a nickel!"


Skodwarde, from atop the highest strip club in Bikini Bottom, the Sea Needle, looked upon this new world, and saw that it was good.

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162. Little Sex Shop of Horrors
One day, SpongeBob and Patrick are jacking each other off on a hill, like they do every day at 6:30, when a ship crash lands in front of them. They walk into the ship and see aisles and aisles of sex toys. SpongeBob thinks the ship is creepy and wants to leave, but Patrick wants to stay so he can...er...check out the inventory. As they go through the aisles, SpongeBob begins to relax, but then, one of the sex dolls grabs his nose and uses it to do unspeakable things to itself. Once SpongeBob gets his nose of the doll's vagina, he screams and tells Patrick that he wants to go now, but Patrick says that that's just the doll's way of saying it likes him, and that he shouldn't worry so much.
SpongeBob and Patrick hear upbeat jazz music behind one of the aisles, and it's revealed that the jazz music is coming from none other than the evil ghost pirate Lord Porntergeist. Lord Porntergeist sings about how he's a "mean green mother from beyond the grave" and orders SpongeBob and Patrick to bring him porn lest they end up being ghost food. SpongeBob and Patrick run out of the ship and take all the porn they can find from their houses. When they return to the ship with the porn, Lord Porntergeist cries "Moar!", and his sex dolls repeat the word "moar" as SpongeBob and Patrick run back out of the ship.
SpongeBob and Patrick, desperate to appease Lord Porntergeist, decide to break into Skodwarde's home and steal his porn. Once they have all of Skodwarde's porn, they return to the ship. Skodwarde, meanwhile, is working at the Krusty Krab when his porn senses start to tingle. He leaves the restaurant just in time to see SpongeBob and Patrick running into the ghost ship with his porn. Skodwarde, who has told SpongeBob and Patrick time and time again not to touch his porn, runs into the ship after them with the intent of murdering them and taking his porn back. Before he can do so, a sex doll grabs his nose and uses it to do the same unspeakable things it did with SpongeBob's nose. However, Skodwarde's big nose gives the doll such a powerful orgasm that it explodes, and just watching the doll please itself with Skodwarde's honker causes the rest of the dolls to orgasm and explode as well.
SpongeBob and Patrick, who are about to offer Skodwarde's porn to Lord Porntergeist, hear the dolls explode and turn around to find a pissed-off Skodwarde running towards them. They scream, and a few seconds later, Lord Porntergeist appears between them and Skodwarde. Lord Porntergeist yells at Skodwarde for killing his sex dolls, then he thanks SpongeBob and Patrick for bringing him some more porn. Skodwarde, realizing what is going on, chastises Lord Porntergeist for manipulating SpongeBob and Patrick, telling him to "work for his porn like everyone else". A furious Lord Porntergeist eats Skodwarde, and SpongeBob and Patrick, shocked that Lord Porntergeist would do that, refuses to give him the porn until he spits out Skodwarde. Lord Porntergeist eats SpongeBob and Patrick and takes the porn anyway.
SpongeBob and Patrick end up in Lord Porntergeist's stomach with Skodwarde. Skodwarde gets the idea to throw Patrick at Lord Porntergeist's ghost uvula, and when he does, Lord Porntergeist vomits them out. Lord Porntergeist decides that they aren't worth the trouble anymore and gives Skodwarde back his porn. He then kicks the three out of his ship and flies off, continuing his relentless search for pornography. As they watch the ship fly away, Skodwarde says that he hopes SpongeBob and Patrick learned an important lesson from all this. SpongeBob asks him what that lesson would be, and Skodwarde pokes both of them in the eyes and screams, "DON'T TOUCH MY PORN!" Then they all walk into the sunset, laughing like a group of sitcom characters.
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163a. Mermaid Man: The Aquatic Assvenger


SpongeBob and Patrick are about to watch a Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy marathon when the cable box malfunctions, replacing all the channels with championship boxing. Frustrated, SpongeBob calls his cable company, and a representative tells him that a technician will be at his house the next day between the hours of 4am and 9pm. Or not. The representative says it doesn't matter because they're the only cable company in town and SpongeBob will pay for their services anyway. He then blows a long, sloppy raspberry through the phone and hangs up.


SpongeBob and Patrick go to Skodwarde's house to watch his television instead, but Skodwarde uses his god powers to make his house sink underground so that SpongeBob and Patrick won't bother him while he masturbates to anemone porn. SpongeBob wonders what to do next, and then he gets the idea to go to the Mermalair to watch the real Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy in action. SpongeBob and Patrick find a cave, which apparently leads to the Mermalair, but when they walk in, they fall into a sex dungeon where Mermaid Man, dressed in lingerie, has Barnacle Boy tied up with a gag in his mouth. Mermaid Man asks SpongeBob and Patrick why they barged into his "spermalair", and SpongeBob says that he wanted to see them fight bad guys. Mermaid Man says that the only bad guy he's fighting is old age, and no longer horny, he unties Barnacle Boy and takes the gag out of his mouth.


SpongeBob apologizes for intruding, and Mermaid Man waves it off. He then offers to tell SpongeBob and Patrick his origin story if they promise not to tell anyone about his sex dungeon. SpongeBob and Patrick, excited to hear Mermaid Man's origin story, promise to keep their lips sealed. Mermaid Man then recites liberal propoganda about the big bang and evolution, but Barnacle Boy stops him and says that he'll scare off the episode's sponsors. Mermaid Man then goes a different route, explaining that he was a beatnik who lived in Hawaii in the 1950s. After a long day of being hip, he decided to take a nap on the beach, where he was caught by a tidal wave and sucked into the ocean. While he was drowning, he was found by a pair of mermaids, who gave him the gift of life underwater so they could fuck him, somehow.


SpongeBob interrupts Mermaid Man's strange and graphic description of his threesome with the mermaids to ask him how he and Barnacle Boy got together. Mermaid Man responds that he felt lonely being the only human underwater, so he kidnapped a sailor boy who was scraping barnacles off the bottom of a ship. He replaced the boy's lungs with the barnacles so he could breathe underwater, which made no biological sense but still worked. After that, they teamed up to become Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. SpongeBob thanks Mermaid Man for the story, and then he looks up and realizes that there's no way out. Mermaid Man says that he and Barnacle Boy just fly out, and they proceed to do that.


SpongeBob cries out that they forgot him and Patrick, but they don't hear him. SpongeBob and Patrick find dildos in a corner of the sex dungeon, and they use the dildos to dig their ways out of the dungeon. On the way to the surface, they bump into Skodwarde's house, and they peek into the windows to find him watching the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy marathon. Skodwarde sighs that he might as well watch this since there isn't any good anemone porn on, and he hears SpongeBob and Patrick knock furiously on the windows. Skodwarde begrudgingly lets them in, and he notices the dirty dildos in their hands. He asks them where they got the dildos from, and remembering their promise to Mermaid Man, they both say "nowhere". Skodwarde says they shouldn't mind if he confiscates their dildos, then, and he does just that, storing them safely in his anus as he, SpongeBob, and Patrick watch the marathon.

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57a. Krabby Land

SpongeBob bursts through the doors of the Krusty Krab, singing about the joys of balmy nights at Makeout Reef, throwing used condoms around for all to enjoy. Skodwarde maintains that he's not much of a Makeout Reef person, but we all know that this isn't true. Meanwhile, Mr. Krabs hears about balmy nights and whatnot, and realizes that it's summer, which means it's time for him to watch for children... so they can spend money at his restaurant, of course. Gleefully putting his face up against the window, he anxiously waits for the children to eat out of his big meaty claws.

A day passes, and Mr. Krabs sees no children. Frustrated, he decides that he must find the children himself. He goes to the playground to spy on them, when suddenly, it hits him: if he wants children, he has to build a playground by himself. He builds an immaculate replica of Six Flags, but Skodwarde, just for shits and giggles, god powers it up and transforms Krabs' park into a shitty death trap.

The next day. Mr. Krabs unveils his new playground to the children that he mustered up. But before doing that, he picks up one of the children and asks what his name is. The kid replies "AAAAAAHHHHH" and Mr. Krabs says "Nice to meet you, Aaaaaahhhhh!", putting him down.He then finally reveals Krabby Land, complete with a Dildo Rodeo, Orgasm Fantastica, A Jizz'N'Slide, and the like. The kids are appalled, and so is Mr. Krabs. He decides to draw attention away from the park by teaching kids never to read over contracts as he hands them out. He then promises the children that Krabby the Clown will be here soon. The kids look confused, in a "Who the fuck is Krabby the Clown?"-type manner. As Mr. Krabs ducks out, SpongeBob realizes that it's time for him to teach the kids about safe sex. He goes on and on about how you should practice abstinence if in doubt, and use a condom, and blah blah blah...

Naturally, the kids find this lame. SpongeBob, trying to win back his audience, slips on a condom he used for a demonstration and unwittingly grabs the ass of a female fish walking by. The fish slaps SpongeBob with her purse, and SpongeBob finally realizes that he must use lewd acts of sexual misconduct to win these kids back! After hijinx involving boob-grabbing, underskirt-peeking, and a very erotic dance involving lima beans, SpongeBob has won the kids over. But now he is tired, and goes to ask Mr. Krabs when Krabby the Clown will get here. Mr. Krabs realizes that SpongeBob is trying to upstage him, and so, putting a dildo on his nose, Mr. Krabs IS Krabby the Clown!

SpongeBob won't let Mr. Krabs upstage him with such a lame act and decides to become a pimp, grabbing Mr. Krabs's money and giving it to hoes in exchange for their service. SpongeBob finally realizes that it's not all about Makeout Reef... it's about erotic pleasure wherever and whenever possible!

57b. The Threesome Episode

Skodwarde is settling down for the 7th day of rest, glad that SpongeBob and Patrick have gone off to become fuckbuddies or whatever. Suddenly, he hears giggling just outside his house. Unable to sleep, he comes out and demands to know what the fuck is going on. He spots SpongeBob and Patrick having a l'il bit of foreplay. Skodwarde activates Cockblock Mode and asks why the two aren't off in some God-forsaken forest or something. SpongeBob, a little upset that skodwarde interrupted the foreplay, curtly replies that it's not all about the forest... it's about erotic pleasure wherever and whenever possible! Skodwarde just warns them to keep it down before he smites them. SpongeBob replies, "Okay... have fun inside."

"Have fun inside" echoes through Skodwarde's head until he realizes the undertone in SpongeBob's voice means that he thinks that he can't do it like a dude! Irate, Skodwarde decides to set up his own tent outside and become a part of SpongeBob and Patrick's special night.

SpongeBob and Patrick are a little annoyed, but eventually decide, "Hey, the more the merrier", and let Skodwarde into their club. SpongeBob decides to commemorate Skodwarde's entry into the now-threesome party by making a romantic dinner over a campfire. Patrick then blows it into Skodwarde's face as part of a starfish mating ritual. Skodwarde, annoyed, wipes it off and uses his god powers to heal his third degree burns, asking SpongeBob and Patrick what is next on the agenda. SpongeBob and Patrick decide to show Skodwarde their rendition of "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye.

After they finish, SpongeBob asks Skodwarde if he found that erotic. Skodwarde curtly replies no, and decides to show them how it's really done, with his own rendition of "The Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang. Horrified, SpongeBob strangles Skodwarde until he finally stops playing. Skodwarde asks what the fuck that was for, and SpongeBob replies that sea bears come out around this time of night, and they hate Waffle House hashbrowns. Skodwarde replies that he doesn't believe in sea bears, and SpongeBob and Patrick tell him that they're true, holding up tabloid magazine covers cleverly disguising their porno magazines. Skodwarde still maintains his non-belief in sea bears, but then one comes along due to hearing Skodwarde's rendition of "The Bad Touch". He proceeds to maul Skodwarde, and casually swims away. Skodwarde once again uses his god powers to heal himself, and maintains that he is immortal, so he will never be affected by sea bears. SpongeBob and Patrick decide that it's therefore time for the threesome, and the three have a jolly old time in the tent.

57a made me laugh for 5 minutes straight

My head kind of hurts now lmfao

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163b. Plankton's Dope Dick


One day, Mr. Krabs is jerking off to his money for the umpteenth time, while whistling with some pickles. SpongeBob enters in and is concerned Mr. Krabs has a money fetish. Mr. Krabs says that's a load of bullshrimp, and SpongeBob says okay. They both leave the room, and one of the pickles in the jar turns out to be Plankton. He breaks out of the jar, and hops up to the safe combination. He tries to pry it open, but he is a weak shrimp and falls to the ground. Mr. Krabs enters back in and sees Plankton on the ground, and thinking he is a pickle, eats him.


After "nature takes it course", Plankton is seen going into the Cum Bucket like a miserable loser for the umpteenth time. Karen suggests that Plankton gets a second eye to improve his vision. Plankton says that's a load of bullshrimp, and that his vision is perfect. Karen then holds up a picture of seaweed, and asks him what he says. Plankton says it looks like green shit. Karen groans and says it is time Plankton considers growing a second eye. Plankton agrees, and tries some experiments with advanced machinery and shit, but they all fail and cause him to grow too many eyes. Elsewhere, Skodwarde is seen doing a ritual with his Nazi Squid cult, watching the events through a portal. Skodwarde is bored out of his fucking mind with this episode, and annoyed that Plankton gets another episode, so he uses his powers to spice it up. He then makes Plankton self-aware he doesn't have a penis! (I think...there's no way to see it) Plankton says he needs to grow a larger dick along with a second eye to become the perfect plankton. Karen agrees to these decisions so she can experiment in giving computer head. She explains that he needs a tear sample from someone with two eyes, and an ejaculation sample from someone with a decent-sized penis. Plankton considers Mr. Krabs or Skodwarde, but knows he won't be able to convince them. He then decides to hunt down SpongeBob and calls up his buddy Mussel Airhead.


SpongeBob is seen having a picnic in Jellyfish Fields and wanking to the beautiful jellyfish. Plankton appears with Mussel and asks if SpongeBob would like to play a game. SpongeBob immediately says no, knowing Plankton is trying to trick him into getting the formula. Plankton says he has no intentions to, because he is clean. Mussel says Plankton is telling the truth and that they are here to admire the jellyfish with him. SpongeBob is then relieved and decides to play. Mussel tells SpongeBob to stand up and take off his clothes, explaining this will allow him to admire the jellyfish better. SpongeBob stands naked, as Mussel gets his "magic clam" ready. Mussel begins to give SpongeBob a clamjob, as he yells "OH MERCIFUL NEPTUNE!" He starts to cry, which Plankton gets a sample from, and SpongeBob also ejaculated all over Mussel, which Plankton gets a sample from as well. SpongeBob then runs away into the fields crying, and still bare naked. Plankton gives an evil laugh and heads back to the Cum Bucket with the samples. Mussel stands there alone and asks where his money is, when a jellyfish floats by him. He then gives a naughty look and gets his magic clam ready...


Plankton goes back to the Cum Bucket and gives Karen the samples. She sets up a machine which injects the DNA into his eye and crotch, causing him to grow a second eye like SpongeBob's and a yellow penis. He then yells eureka, calling the experiment a success. Karen admires his new features and asks if she can give him head, and applies, even though that probably is physically impossible, but screw it, this is Skodwarde! After that is said and done, Plankton decides to brag about his new features to the world. He attempts to steal the formula, when suddenly he is distracted by the beautiful scenery of Bikini Bottom, calling it a beautiful day. He greets the mailman, Skodwarde smoking some weed with his Nazi Squid friends, and even greets JCM in a cameo. JCM says to him, "dude, put that thing away, there are like, children, here". Plankton laughs like SpongeBob and continues walking. He also begins to commit strange acts he'd never do before. He picks up litter, helps arrest a robber, finds a cure for Ebola, stops the war in Syria, and even changes the lives of some deadbeats, convincing them to get jobs and finish school. He then scratches his head after doing all of this and wonders what he originally wanted to do.


He heads back to the Cum Bucket and tells Karen he thinks something is off. She does a scan and discovers the new body features are giving Plankton a split personality like Psycho, making him half good, something she calls "Neevil". Plankton says this is complete bullshrimp and attempts to steal the formula to prove it. As he is walking to the Krusty Krab, he hears a loud "HELP!". He sees Bubblebath is getting gang banged by his hoes at the top floor of his home. He arrives outside the house, seeing Bubblebath at the top window, as his hoes are trying to fuck him. Plankton tells him to jump, and Bubblebath does so, but his big bubble butt crushes Plankton, thanking him anyways. Walking away again, Plankton then finds the formula bottle on the ground. He picks it up and gives it to Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs says he smells some bullshit, and it's not from his pants. SpongeBob tells Mr. Krabs how Plankton's friend sexually assaulted him, but Plankton says he was just giving the formula back to his best friend and walks away with a creepy smile. 


Plankton then finally has an epiphany and realizes the eye and penis are a curse, so he tries to get rid of them, but fails. He returns to the Cum Bucket and finds a surprise orgy party for his good deeds. Karen, Mr. Krabs, Bubblebath, SpongeBob, Skodwarde, Sandy, Hunka Hunka Larry, and even JCM are all there. They all begin to hug Plankton, and they squeeze him so tightly it causes his eye and dick to pop off, returning him back to his normal self. He then activates a security defense alarm, and tells everyone to get the fuck out. It begins shooting pew pew lasers everywhere as they all flee. He has a good laugh, and bangs his head into the door due to being half-blind again.

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164a. Barnacle Faise
One day, Pole is showering with one of her friends in the girl's locker room when the friend points out that Pole has a disgusting barnacle growing out of her vagina. Upon seeing it, Pole cries so loudly that the resulting earthquake kills hundreds of Bikini Bottomites and causes millions of dollars in property damage. Pole runs to the Krusty Krab in a towel and complains to Mr. Krabs about the barnacle. Mr. Krabs says it can't be that bad, so Pole opens her towel to reveal the barnacle in all its glory. Mr. Krabs vomits, then he orders SpongeBob to come up with a fix for whatever is going on down there.
SpongeBob and Pole walk to Mr. Krabs' house, where SpongeBob tries giving the barnacle a handjob, a blowjob, and a porejob (where he sticks it in one of his pores) to no avail. Pole manages to wash the barnacle off with soap and water, but several more barnacles sprout up in its place, making her as distressed as she is aroused. SpongeBob calls Patrick and asks if he can get Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick to help with a medical emergency, but Patrick says that Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick is busy professoring or doctoring or whatever, and that only his twin brother, Faise, is available. SpongeBob says that that will do, and he gives "Faise" the directions to Mr. Krabs' home.
Skodwarde notices Patrick leaving his rock dressed like a doctor again, and knowing that Patrick is still on parole due to the last time he impersonated a gynecologist, Skodwarde follows him with the intention of busting him. When Patrick gets to Mr. Krabs' house, he finds Pole desperately rubbing her vagina with soap. SpongeBob thanks "Faise" for getting to them so quickly, then he asks him what to do about the now-multiplying barnacles. Patrick, as Faise, spits into both of his hands, then he aims them at the barnacles and says, "Barnacles, be gone!" The barnacles don't be gone, so Patrick gives up. At that moment, Skodwarde storms into the house and tells Patrick that the po-po will be there to arrest him any minute now.
Patrick claims that he's Faise and that he has no idea what Skodwarde is talking about, but Skodwarde doesn't believe him. Patrick starts to run, but Skodwarde uses his god powers to make Patrick's legs (and raging boner) stay in place. Skodwarde hears a car coming, and he says that it must be the police, but it turns out to be Mr. Krabs instead. Mr. Krabs asks Pole if she's feeling better, and Pole, still rubbing her vagina with soap, tells Mr. Krabs to fuck off. Mr. Krabs walks into the basement, muttering about teenagers, and Pole tells SpongeBob to go in after him to get her more soap.
When SpongeBob walks into the basement, he sees Mr. Krabs jacking off into a machine. When he ejaculates, the machine turns his cum into freshly made soap. Mr. Krabs tells SpongeBob to marvel at his newest cost-saving measure, which he has been using to make the house's soap for the past week. Pole, who is now in the basement with them for some reason, yells at Mr. Krabs for his cheapness, and suddenly, baby crabs pop out of her barnacles, and the barnacles disappear. Mr. Krabs realizes that he impregnated his own daughter, and he, SpongeBob, and Pole agree to never speak of this again. Skodwarde, however, has been listening in on them this whole time, and as he watches "Faise", whose legs are unfrozen but whose boner is still raging, get driven away in a police car, he posts the deets to all his social media accounts.
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164b. Pet Fucker Pat


Guess what kiddies? No, seriously guess. GUESS ALREADY YOU LITTLE-



Okay, uh...moving on.... It's SpongeBob's grandmother's birthday, she's getting even older and wants SpongeBob to be there for what might be her last day to go out on the town. But too bad that Gary exists for SpongeBob. He needs a pet sitter, so what else to do but GO TO THE INTERWEBZ! SMARTEST IDEA SINCE THE LIGHTBULB AMIRITE? Well, he goes onto www.petsittersareimbecilsyetyouhirethemanyway.com and finds out Patrick is great with snails. After many positive reviews, SpongeBob goes over to Patrick's and sees that he has a business, and unknowingly Skodwarde is his partner in crime. :o SpongeBob asks why he never found this out until now, and Patrick says "there's so much about me you don't know".


Currently, they are watching over Plankton for Karen so she can go out on the town. Sound familiar, right? Apparently that poor green loser can't look after himself. SpongeBob drops off Gary, as Gary gives Plankton a mean look for previously impersonating him, but Plankton suggests to "let bygones be bygones" or whatever the fuck that means. After going on a long morning jog, even without feet, Plankton tells Gary that...


A: Patrick is a genius *drools*

B: Skodwarde is accidentally turned into a snail eater like in the real life Have You Seen This Snail? due to Patrick driving away his love life and is brainwashing him to get his revenge *gets hit with a brick for breaking the 4th wall*

C : *insert stupid meme here*


If you guessed A, that is SO FRIGGIN 'WRONG! If you answered C, good luck with your love life, you bitch. IT'S B!


Now onto the other plot just for suspense, because why not? It turns out SpongeBob's Grandma is at a strip club, enjoying all the guys there.  :Laugh:   Karen is also a stripper and left Plankton there just for the sake of attention, and she steals grandma and finishes the night out even though it was implied that it was morning earlier, so SpongeBob is going home.


Back at Patrick's house, Gary and Plankton are both boiling in a pot so that Skodwarde can smoke em, then eat em both! Well, guess what? Nothing? Wow, you guys are horrible at this. SpongeBob and Karen both arrive, and are both put in the pot, but surprise, Patrick makes it worse by using a flamethrower on Skodwarde. However, it begins to melt Skodwarde, and it turns out that this isn't Skodwarde, but it is his long lost half step sister "No Name Is Required"! She takes the fall for Skodwarde, while he watched the whole thing from underground, and loved watching them fight without doing anything himself. Because his half step sister was still so young (1,982, which is like 23 in fish years, do the math yourself), her powers were only occasionally effective. Now, Skodwarde is the one who is smoked by Patrick. To make up for being used even if she enjoyed it a bit, No Name Is Required is taken out on the town to become a pro stripper on tour with Karen and Grandma, who is now their tour manager. Oh and Plankton sadly never got to see his wife in action, so he was raped by Patrick, revealing that he ended the pet business for a sexual harassment agency and forced Skodwarde to be his main employee, the main example so that the victims struggle even more!   :hands:  Now you've all been the worst audience ever for just following this and not even paying attention.  :patrick_crying-308: Your horrible actions have called Patrick to your house, and he will get you... *gets knocked out with a brick and is harassed by Gary*

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165a. Sittin' On Sandy's House Reveals The Cure For AIDS


Sandy realizes that she's scheduled for a popular pornstar convention in the nearby town, Slut-In-A-Tiny-Bikini Bottom, so she decides to get SpongeBob to watch her house in what is totally not a rehash of Wormy at all, no sir. Sandy goes and entrusts SpongeBob to watch her stuff while she's gone for...Several hours, contracting all sorts of horrible diseases and letting men feel her body BUT ANYWAY, SpongeBob watches her house for her. He walks around and observes all her wonderful items. He takes a look at her preserved dildo collection, with so many dildos, SpongeBob can't even fit them all in his pores!


...Not that he put all her dildos into his pores or anything.


He takes a step into her robot hall to see all her robots, which he learns have all been programmed to fuck her violently in different ways! SpongeBob gets spooked after looking at a robot that vaguely resembles Mr. Krabs, and decides to leave after an uncomfortable experience with the Fisting Machine. SpongeBob then decides to check out the greenhouse, which is strangely normal, until SpongeBob finds the huge stash of Playsquirrel Magazine underneath a pot. SpongeBob smiles, takes out his dick, and begins to get to work. He's having a great time!


However, at the mention of great porn, especially as prestigious a magazine as Playsquirrel, Skodwarde's porn senses tingle, and he warps to Sandy's House immediately. Upon finding SpongeBob jacking to squirrel porn, Skodwarde is outraged that SpongeBob didn't offer to share. SpongeBob holds out a magazine to his God pal, and Skodwarde and the Sponge have a hearty jack session. Afterwards, SpongeBob shows Skodwarde around the thongTreeDome. Skodwarde finds something curious in Sandy's dildo collection, noting that the pink dildo is quite realistic, but seems much too thick for Sandy's thin frame. As it turns out, the dildo was Patrick, who is in this episode for some reason. 


Everything is going well for the three friends, until Patrick inevitably fucks something up, and activates all the sex robots at once. Things get incredibly chaotic, especially when the SquirtMaster 5000 and the Anal Pulverizer go haywire and attack everyone in the treedome. It's complete, sex-crazed madness, and everyone involved gets some robot parts lodged in places they'd rather not say, although Patrick screaming "There's NUTS AND BOLTS INSIDE OF MY ASS" implies otherwise. Skodwarde intends to use his God powers to end the madness, but suddenly Sandy comes through the door with several doctors who are all telling her that living with AIDS can be okay and maybe she shouldn't have been such a slut in her teenage years.


All the robots turn on Sandy and began fucking her vigorously. SpongeBob and Patrick turn away in horror, but Skodwarde captures it all on film ("Hey, some people are into this kinda shit"). After the insane, two-hour fuck session, Skodwarde decides he has enough footage for the porn sites, and uses his God powers to disable all the robots. The Deepthroatron X and the 3 Foot-Long Super Dildo take a while to power off, but they eventually do. Sandy, who's been stretched open wider than the Grand Canyon on a hot day in June at this point, should in be in tatters just like her vagina, but she's actually very happy, since through the power of mechanical intervention, the robots beat the pussy up like they name was Mike Tyson managed to remove AIDS from Sandy's system! Sandy, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Skodwarde laugh, knowing that they've managed to beat an STD out through the power of systematic fucking, and they all walk into Sandy's bedroom for a little post-AIDS love/cuddle/hard-fucking session, but SpongeBob and Patrick's dicks shrivel up due to air exposure. Sandy comes up with a new invention following this: Dick water helmets!


"Now you'll always be wet!" Sandy says, laughing.


Skodwarde, SpongeBob and Patrick all contemplate killing Sandy or giving her AIDS again after that godawful pun, and eventually decide on both as the episode ends.

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New episode time!


165B. Slimy Jizz at Bikini Bottom

One beautiful day at the Krusty Krab (gee where have I seen this before), SpongeBob, being an annoying dick, was cooking up some Krabby Patties while Skodwarde was being lazy, listening to his favorite radio station KCUM.


After the current song finished, the station announced that an orgy convention would be held in Bikini Bottom, with the star attraction being the famous prostitute, Kelpy G-Spot! Unfortunately, the tickets are sold out...but KCUM is giving out 2 free tickets plus VIP passes to Kelpy G-Spot's famous porn star bachelor pad!


Luckily for Skodwarde, he bought a ticket in advance, so he has no need to play such silly contests...that is, until Patrick ends up sticking Skodwarde's ticket up his ass so far that it won't ever come out. After trying multiple times without success, Skodwarde fails at winning the KCUM contest. Ironically, SpongeBob does end up winning the tickets and VIP passes, and offers Skodwarde the chance of a fucking lifetime.


However, through a series of unfortunate events (heh), SpongeBob ends up ruining the entire pre-show experience for Skodwarde (what SpongeBob did was so mindfuckingly stupid that it cannot be written on paper).


And thus, the show begins. Things go good at first for Skodwarde, but this is shortly ruined by Patrick and his Jizz Nacho addiction. Patrick, being the idiot that he is, gets up on stage and causes a ruckus, disrupting the entire show, and causing Skodwarde to get kicked out for using his god powers to attempt to shoot Patrick off the stage.


Depressed as fuck, Skodwarde rethinks his life. He comes to the conclusion that he has regretted NOTHING and proceeds to use his god powers to get into the VIP area. The act was a rousing success and Skodwarde finally lived happily ever after...


Until SpongeBob came in and started playing with his dick, to which Kelpy G-Spot is impressed by. Kelpy decides to take SpongeBob onto the stage to help Kelpy with his various naughty deeds. Skodwarde is kicked out of the VIP area and is arrested by the Bikini Bottom Police Force, COPS style.



And everything went back to normal...(cause, you know, fuck continuity in this show).

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166a. Bubble Pickles

SpongeBob and Patrick are being annoying as usual, fucking in Skodwarde's front yard and making him contemplate mass genocide, so to rid himself of these thoughts, Skodwarde uses his God powers to give SpongeBob and Patrick lava semen infused with the burning power of pickle juice so that they'll fuck off and ruin everyone else's day. SpongeBob and Patrick practice their newfound power on the Krusty Krab, burning it to all hell, and Plankton's Cum Bucket, melting it, killing Karen, and putting Plankton in the hospital with first degree burns. In their stupidity, SpongeBob and Patrick jack off to Sandy doing science and karate at the same time, something that has never been seen before! The two reach climax and jizz all over Sandy's treedome, melting it, and subsequently killing her air supply. Sandy screams that she'll die without air, but SpongeBob and Patrick say they don't really give a fuck and continue with their day. Sandy sneaks into their houses in the middle of the night and kidnaps them, taking them to the surface, so she can finally get some air. When Sandy takes that first breath, she's back to normal, and she hops back in the submarine to get back to the ocean. But upon entering the submarine, she finds Sponge and Pat sleep-jacking, and she's too late to escape the submarine before they let off, melting the submarine into a big, gooey, lava-jizz mess. Because SpongeBob and Patrick are generally immune to plot things like this, they escape the submarine, and when they realize that they could get arrested, they take Sandy's dead body and try to find a way to revive it.

They run into the Krusty Krab and ask Mr. Krabs how to bring Sandy back to life, and he suggests fucking her. SpongeBob and Patrick stare at Mr. Krabs, flabbergasted that he would suggest necrophilia, something too dark and fucked up for even Skodwarde. Mr. Krabs shrugs and kicks Sandy in the face, saying she was a stupid slut anyway before skittering back into his office. Patrick drops some pickles into Sandy's mouth, hoping that since the first part of pickle rhymes with dick, Sandy will wake up and enjoy her favorite thing, but no dice. but now the title of this episode makes sense right? haha no SpongeBob and Patrick ask Skodwarde what to do, and Skodwarde drops an 80-pound pair of testicles on Sandy's face, saying it should bring her back to life since she likes nuts so much. Nothing happens, and SpongeBob begins freaking out, not wanting to go to jail. However, Pole walks in, and Patrick has the genius idea to shove Sandy's dead carcass inside Pole's big whale mouth, and then kick her ass to the surface, where no one will ever find her. Mr. Krabs has no objections to his only daughter being shot into the atmosphere, so up she goes, never to return again. SpongeBob and Patrick laugh.

"I can't wait for her to be back in the next episode!"

166b. Way of the Spooge: The Next Episode

Sandy, fresh out of the hospital from the events of the previous episode, is paid a visit from the director of her very first porno, Mark Wahlberg! She and Mark reminisce on their first film, "Give Me The Nutshot, Baby", when SpongeBob comes over for a fuck session. He thinks Mark is a rapist, so he sneaks up behind Wahlberg, penis out, ready to give the rapist a lil' booty action, but Wahlberg turns around and slaps SpongeBob in the face with his penis. Mr. Wahlberg finds SpongeBob a pencil-dicked weakling, and prepares to do the nasty to him, but Sandy tells Mark to back off, since he can't say anything about anyone due to his performance in Transformers 4. Sandy then says that SpongeBob could film the best porno Wahlberg has ever seen. Wahlberg laughs, and says he'll believe it when he sees it.

SpongeBob goes home and faps all night, and thus, when he returns to Sandy's house the next morning, his loads are weak, and the porno he tries to film sucks. Wahlberg throws down his camera and tells SpongeBob that he doesn't even deserve to look at his own yellow balls, pulling up his pants and sending him away. Skodwarde notices SpongeBob's insufferable depression, and uses his God powers to make SpongeBob super horny all day at work. SpongeBob's increased sex drive leads him to do super sexual things at work, and when Sandy and Mark Wahlberg stop in for a visit, Mark's intrigued. He follows SpongeBob around with a camera, watching him as he jizzes on the patties, oils up his dick with fry grease, and gives a whole new meaning to the term "condom-ents". Mark has struck underwater porn gold, and he's finally accepting of SpongeBob, and while he does still think that he has a small dick, he commends him on his great porn chops. Mark walks out the door to deliver his new moneymaking porn, but slips on a puddle of SpongeBob's jizz, and everyone laughs while Mark begins bleeding from excessive head trauma.

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Hooray! I got off my lazy ass and completed this!


One day in an executive meeting, a CBS executive gets on a table and shouts, WE WANT A SKODWARDE SPECIAL AND WE WANT IT NOW!


The CBS peeps went wild. So, they went storming over to greedy ole Scrooge, the runner of the worst company in the world, Viacom. CBS shouted their demands at the old geezer, loud and proud. Since Scrooge knew Skodwarde was a big hit, he agreed to produce a special for CBS. However, Patchy The Pirate had to be in it, since you couldn't have a special without him!


But CBS was like, "fuck no bitch we ain't showing that crap." Scrooge replied, "Well then, I ain't making that shit then! Patchy is swag man, you can't have no Skodwarde special without him nuh-uh!"


So CBS was like, "fine u win this round ass." And thus, It's A Skodwarde Christmas was born.


175. It's A Skodwarde Christmas!: Tis The Season To Be Slutty


As the special commences, we see a mail truck sliding on thin ice, crashing into a conveniently  placed telephone pole. Out of the mail truck comes a drunk Patchy The Pirate, telling all ye kiddies out there that he hijacked a mail truck so he could get his letter to Santa Claus: The Ultimate Sex God (yes, this is a thing now)! Potty comes hopping out of the truck to commence his daily bitching at Patchy, this time about where the fuck Santa Claus: The Ultimate Sex God could be found. Patchy is like, "fuck no little birdie you ain't bitchin at me no mo." So, Patchy puts duck tape around Potty and threw him in the back with the mailman (don't ask you don't wanna know). Patchy then gets back into his mail truck and proceeds driving again...but only reaches 1 inch before hitting another conveniently placed telephone pole. Patchy roles out of the truck and mutters these words: "something...something...Skodwarde...watchy...time."


We zoom into the creepy realm of the Squarepants residence, seeing a familiar Sponge sleeping in his bed. Then, just at random, SpongeBob pops out of bed and starts singing...


Oh, it's drawing very near.

My favorite time of the year.

The snow is falling and the cold wind blows.

Christmas is almost here.


In his home, Skodwarde overhears this blatant attempt at plagiarism. He decides to end this before it gets out of hand.


And I know that Santa, Santa. Santa-


Just then, Skodwarde uses his god powers to FUCKING ROAST THAT IDIOT ALIVE stop the god awful singing. Thankfully, Skodwarde has not only helped out himself by placing this spell, but has helped the writer as well, who is too lazy to Skod-ify these songs.


SpongeBob then skips around to all his friends, but Skodwarde uses the fast forward button so we can get to the juicy butt sex parts of the special.


Inside the Cum Bucket, 1% evil genius Plankton (expressing his 99% hot gas) has just concocted a new element: Slutonium! As the name suggests, it will turn anyone who consumes it into a fucking slut.


Plankton loads his Slutonium into fruitcake and stuffs them into a machine. He proceeds to give his "joy" to everyone in Bikini Bottom, when he runs into SpongeBob. Since SpongeBob is soooooooooo happy and full of actual joy, the Slutonium has no effect on him, despite being given over 100 pieces of fruitcake.


Seeing this as another failed plan, Plankton decides to scrap his plans and continue to mope on the ground. SpongeBob asks if he can stroll around the fruitcake machine all across town, to which Plankton says "eh, what the hell."


So SpongeBob does just that, spreading the joy and cheer of the Slutonium Fruitcake to everyone in Bikini Bottom. To Plankton's amazement as he strolls around on a unicycle, the effects actually work on everyone else!


Now Plankton needs to somehow figure out how to make SpongeBob appear to be a slut so he can get his presents from SANTA CLAUS: THE ULTIMATE SEX GOD. He decides to do the obvious: make a slut robot of course!


Patchy then interrupts the special to say that being drunk is a good thing...yeah...


Moving on, eventually Santa Claus: THE ULTIMATE SEX GOD comes riding in on his FLYING CARPET OF AWESOMENESS to see who's been naughty or nice this year. To his surprise, EVERYONE made his nice list this year...except Plankton (turns out being a slut gets top billing on Santa's list!)


Everyone proceeds to continue being sluts while Skodwarde proceeds to wipe this awful special from our memories...but not before Patchy comes out for one last time and calls out the writer for finishing a Christmas Special the first week of January, to which the writer replies, "better late than never, my friend."


*back in the Viacom executive room*


Scrooge: So, how was it?

CBS Executive #1: ...I am so *beep*ing glad we split up from you.


And thus, CBS never ran It's A Skodwarde Christmas again (but Dickelodeon continues to suck money out of it. Remember kids, Dickelodeon is run by a bunch of corporate bastards. Merry Christmas. :))

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167a. The Krabby Patty That Ate Out Bikini Bottom
One day, Mr. Krabs is dragging a giant magnet through the sand in pursuit of spare change (instead of just using a metal detector like a sane person) when he notices a giant dildo in Sandy's treedome. He rings Sandy's doorbell, and after she lets him in, he asks the obligatory questions, like why her treedome is bigger on the inside than it looks on the outside and how the fuck she has breasts when she's a squirrel. He then asks about the giant dildo, and she says that it's the result of a growth serum designed to give her dildos maximal pleasure potential, a statistic measured in orgasms per hour with plenty of cold hard facts to back it up. Mr. Krabs, realizing that he can use the serum to give his Krabby Patties maximal profit potential, jizzes at the thought of all the money he can make, and before he can even call his fry cook, SpongeBob appears at the treedome, patty in hand, sensing that another greedy Krabs plot is underway.
Sandy refuses to let Krabs test her serum out on the patty, saying it should only be used on dildos, but Krabs, not giving up so easily, responds with a daring and clever tactic: he points behind her and says "look over there!" Once she looks away, he grabs the serum, which was sitting in a beaker next to the dildo, and runs off with SpongeBob, his middle finger raised at the scientist. They stop outside the Krusty Krab, and Krabs pours the serum onto the patty, gives it to SpongeBob, and tells him to do his thang with it. SpongeBob takes the patty into the Krusty Krab, and Skodwarde notices it growing larger by the second but says nothing, preferring to read his issue of Tentacle Porn Monthly. SpongeBob gets the patty into the kitchen, scrapes pieces off and cooks them, not noticing it slowly filling the kitchen.
One of the cooked patties make it to a female customer, and just as she's about to eat it, the patty slips out of her sandwich and then fucks her, causing her to orgasm so loudly that a nearby family gets up to leave in disgust. Another patty fucks the mother of that family, and she becomes incapacitated from the sweet, greasy sensations. SpongeBob runs out of the kitchen, screaming that the giant patty's come alive, but Skodwarde's too busy reading his magazine to hear him. Suddenly, the giant patty squeeezes out of the kitchen and takes Skodwarde's magazine. Skodwarde, deprived of his precious tentacle porn, tries to destroy the giant patty with his god powers, but the giant patty deflects them with the power of love, baby.
The giant patty then leads the female customers, who have now all experienced the joy of being fucked by a piece of meat, out of the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs, sensing a disturbance in the force, runs out of his office to find his female customers deserting his restaurant under the influence of the giant patty. Krabs, who now has a bad feeling in the pit of his wallet, turns into Moar Krabs and chases the giant patty. Plankton, who orgasms just at the sight of the patty, runs in front of it and lets it fuck him in the ass. While the giant patty is doing so, Moar Krabs catches up to it and grabs it with the intent of taking it back to the Krusty Krab, but it simply turns around and starts fucking him in the ass. Plankton tells Moar Krabs to wait his turn, and a mob of women gather behind him, each hoping to be assfucked by the giant patty next.
SpongeBob and Skodwarde go to Sandy's treedome in search of an antidote, but Sandy has left her home along with every other female in Bikini Bottom. It turns out that the patty has gotten so large now that it has its own gravitational field, one that only attracts women and that threatens the city's population as the women leave their partners for some red hot patty loving. SpongeBob notices a hypnotized Sandy walking towards the patty like a zombie, and Skodwarde punches her in the gut, snapping her out of it.
SpongeBob asks Sandy how to stop the giant patty, and she says it can only be stopped with a virgin sacrifice. Skodwarde says that means he's out, and Sandy says it disqualifies her as well. They both look at SpongeBob, and he asks if there's another way to stop it. Sandy tells him that on the bright side, he'll be remembered as a hero, and on the not-so-bright side, he'll be dead. They then take him to the patty, who's currently boning Mrs. Puff. SpongeBob jumps onto the patty, and it absorbs him. A few moments later, the patty turns yellow, then it melts. The female fish break out of their hypnotic states, and Mrs. Puff, who's laying on the ground with her skirt hiked up, says, "Uhh...I can explain."
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167b. Bubble Buddy II: Back in Black


One day, a bubble begins to float through Bikini Bottom with a message inside of it. It knocks over a fish who is trying to eat his shit soup, and his face falls into the bowl. The bubble continues to float through the town and bump into people, causing them to get very furious, apparently Bikini Bottomites are sensitive about their space. The bubble then floats into Skodwarde's house, and he is seen taking a snooze on his bed, when it pops and the letter lands on his face. He then wakes up and sees nothing but darkness, and is about to have a heart attack, but gets up and the letter slides off his face. After making a rant on how mail service has gone downhill, he opens it up to reveal it is a letter from his old creation Bubble Buddy from Season 2! The letter reads:


"Dear Skodwarde,


Hello my old friend, it's been forever since I've talked to you. I am living a good life, fucking bubble bitches and getting bubble money. I forgive you for our previous conflict, and I hope you can do the same. I've missed you every single day my brotha. I've decided to return to Bikini Bottom with my son Shinya for old time's sake. See you soon!


From your old pal,

Bubble Buddy"


Skodwarde then realizes he has missed Bubble Buddy for so many years, and eagerly welcomes his return. Within seconds, the doorbell rings, and Skodwarde isn't feeling that shit, but he uses his god powers to float out of the bed and comes to the door, opening it to reveal Bubble Buddy and his bubble son Shinya, jamming out to this song on his headphones:



Bubble Buddy laughs with Skodwarde, and they shake hands (he washed Skodwarde's hand!). Skodwarde lets Bubble Buddy inside and they both sit on the couch, as Skodwarde wishes up two bottles of beer. Shinya just floats there, still jamming out to Bubble Pop. They begin to reminisce over shit, like when Skodwarde got into that battle with Bubble Buddy so many years ago, when he fucked up shit at the Goo Lagoon, when he washed Pole's flipper, and how he still owes Old Man Krabs money. "Ah, good times, good times," Skodwarde replied. Bubble Buddy then gets a serious face on and tells Skodwarde the true reason he returned is because a "great evil is lurking in Bikini Bottom". Skodwarde puts on a "tell me more" face, and Bubble Buddy explains that while he has been traveling the oceans, he has been slaying evil monsters, keeping his son safe out of danger. He says he knows an evil beast is lurking within Bikini Bottom, and that he also came here to discover who the evil one is. Skodwarde asks if it is him, but Bubble Buddy says it isn't, confusing Skodwarde. He then says he needs someone reliable to babysit Shinya to keep him out of danger, while he searches around Bikini Bottom for the evil motherfucker. He suggests SpongeBob and/or Patrick, but Skodwarde says "hell to the fucking no". After Patrick attempted to sexually assault Gary and Plankton, and since SpongeBob is... SpongeBob, Skodwarde decides he'll babysit Shinya for him.


Bubble Buddy agrees to this, and they shake hands again. Bubble Buddy says he is going to vanquish the evil demon, and rides off in the bubble-mobile. He then crashes into a pole, and gets out, yelling "I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME DARK ONE, I AM COMING FOR YOU! YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THIS TO MY CAR?!", thinking the evil caused his crash (but to be fair, it is a bubble car, and he is a bubble driving). Unknown to him, a hooded figure is seen watching from behind a bush, and Bubble Buddy continues to drive off. Meanwhile, Skodwarde is seen chilling with Shinya at his home, when the doorbell rings. He opens to find SpongeBob and Patrick, and then shuts the door. They ring it again, and opens it again to see SpongeBob and Patrick begging with puppy faces. He sighs and lets them in, introducing them to Shinya. Patrick asks who the fuck this is, and he reveals he is babysitting Bubble Buddy's son. SpongeBob orgasms that Bubble Buddy is back, and begins to reminisce about his first episode again, saying "Good times, good times". Patrick asks where Bubble Buddy is, and he just shrugs, saying he went off to look for "something evil". Skodwarde then offers to them if they want to play Cards Against Humanity, as they all agree.


Bubble Buddy is then seen visiting the Krusty Krab, as the customers begin to reminisce of how he reminded them of their friends, such as boo boo keys, a pair of fuzzy snake eyes, and Scooter's lucky condom. Mr. Krabs is even touched by his return and pulls a lucky dollar bill out of his sweaty pants, hugging it. JCM (in a cameo) even begins to cry, and then realizes it is because of a bowl of onions someone left. Mr. Krabs then realizes he has some unfinished business, and asks Bubble Buddy to pay up the money he still owes him from so long ago. Bubble Buddy then smites his claw, thinking Mr. Krabs is the evil one. He says "money is the root of all evil" and pulls out a bubble sword onto Mr. Krabs, as everyone gasps. He reveals he has come to slay an ancient evil in Bikini Bottom, and knows it is Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs then looks at him thinking he had too much soap, and raises his claws in the air. He then warns Krabs that he is onto him, and will be back, threatening "his reign ends tonight". He drives off in the bubble-mobile, and Mr. Krabs still thinks Bubble Buddy must be high from soap. The crowd then think Bubble Buddy has gone evil again, and demand to "POP THE BUBBLE!", as they pull out sharp objects. As Bubble Buddy floats off into the parking lot, a note is flung at him, which almost pops him. He reads it and it mentions to "meet us at the Anemone 69 Avn. alley, we believe you". He gets the fuck out of there, avoiding darts and knives being thrown (what the fuck is wrong with Bikini Bottom).


Back at Skodwarde's house, Shinya and Patrick are tied at 9 points, they both need one more to win. Patrick says he has to take a shit, and says to pause the game until he returns. He walks off, and Skodwarde decides to take SpongeBob and Shinya down a walk through Bikini Bottom, which causes some nautical nonsense involving pitchfork factories, dildo factories, and keeping Shinya out of danger from sharp objects. Bubble Buddy continues driving, and looks at a picture of Shinya, vowing to keep him safe. He then parks into a shady alley, and meets a gang of four fish, including JCM, Scooter, Fred and Tom. They reveal to him they agree Mr. Krabs could be the evil they are looking for, and that they have evidence to "poop on him with". Patrick is then seen at his rock, and begins to chant in some weird language, and has magic shit set up. He then whispers "show me the nemesis..." and he begins to glow. The walls in-between his rock begin to form some acid trip plane, and he begins to float through it, turning into a glowing soldier of some sort. He then sees Bubble Buddy through the plane and raises his sword, charging to Bubble Buddy. Bubble Buddy then turns around, flashing an object of some sort, and Patrick pops out of thin air in the alley. Bubble Buddy then realizes Patrick is the evil one, as the gang seems confused. Fred says that Patrick's cool, and Bubble Buddy disagrees, as he traps Patrick in some sack. Tom then activates some device with chocolate on it, and it releases Patrick from the bag, and he throws smoke everywhere. Patrick threatens Bubble Buddy to meet him outside the porn store at midnight, and Bubble Buddy promises he'll be there. As Patrick mysteriously disappears, the other four fish think Bubble Buddy has gone insane, and pull out pins, saying to "POP THE BUBBLE!" Bubble Buddy then gets the fuck out of there.


Back at Skodwarde's house, Skodwarde and SpongeBob return home. Skodwarde then asks where Shinya went, and SpongeBob says he thought Skodwarde had him. Skodwarde is then pissed, and we see Bubble Buddy appearing with a badass bubble cape and cowboy hat outside the porn store. Patrick appears in his hood that stalked Bubble Buddy, and reveals Shinya. Bubble Buddy gasps, warning Patrick to let Shinya go. He says he will, but only if Bubble Buddy surrenders all of his mystical items. Bubble Buddy refuses, so Patrick's hands begin to glow and he pops Shinya, rebirthing him from the soap as Psy!




He begins to start jamming out to Gangnam Style, and Bubble Buddy is horrified. He then caves in and tosses all of his mystical items and shit to Patrick, as he laughs. He then asks Bubble Buddy to pull down his pants and- but then Bubble Buddy says he has no pants, so Patrick then tells him to eat shit, as he makes a pile of shit appear, and Bubble Buddy says he can't eat either. Patrick then tells him to- Bubble Buddy then cuts him off and just says he won, and says he'll never come back here again. Patrick is most pleased.




Later on in the night, SpongeBob and Skodwarde are smoking some seaweed and Bubble Buddy arrives with Psy, saying it is time he bids farewell again. They ask what happened to Shinya, and he reveals Shinya decided it was time to move on with his career, and thus transformed into Psy. They fly off into his bubble-mobile, as Patrick finally arrives back. Skodwarde asks what the fuck Patrick ate, because he was in the bathroom for at least 5 hours. The last black card in the CAH game asks:


"In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of ____."


Skodwarde is the Czar, as SpongeBob and Patrick play their cards. Patrick played "Kanye West" and SpongeBob played "an orgasm". Skodwarde chooses Kanye West, and Patrick wins the game. They call it a night and leave, as Patrick walks off with a creepy smile.


"Mwa ha ha ha, those fools don't know what I have planed...  :hands: " Patrick said.

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168a. Repelling SpongeBob


It was yet another Season 8-y day under the sea, and when I say Season 8-y, I mean that it was another day at the goddamn Krusty Krab. SpongeBob, in a state of boredom, had taken to fapping and jizzing all over Skodwarde's head through the order window, and this young God didn't appreciate that. Skodwarde tried to listen to some of his classical Godly tunes, but SpongeBob felt the need to blast the newest song from Bikini's Bottom's hottest rapper, Young Tuna:



After a few replays of that, Skodwarde begins to go insane, and uses his God powers to destroy SpongeBob's radio, and tells SpongeBob to shut the fuck up. When SpongeBob asks Skodwarde how exactly he's supposed to shut a fuck, Skodwarde begins contemplating mass genocide of the oceanic race. Deciding to tell Mr. Krabs about this injustice, Skodwarde floats into his office to sees Mr. Krabs inserting coins into his rectum practicing oral sex on his safe.


Don't ask me how that works.


Skodwarde complains to Krabs that SpongeBob is being an annoying fuckhole and should be fired, but Krabs keeps SpongeBob on the staff, because SpongeBob's cooking continues to give Krabs an endless supply of cum tissues. Which is, y'know, money. Skodwarde leaves, but slips on SpongeBob's leftover jizz from a fap session, crashes into the stand of skin mags in the front of the store, crashes into the newly added bondage section of the Krusty Krab, before sliding into the kitchen and burning his ass on the grill.


Later, in the hospital, Skodwarde takes a moment to relax and think about his life, and realizes that SpongeBob has been annoying him for 8 seasons years now, and that it's time to do something about it.


It's time to take a stand.


The last stand.




Skodwarde enters the Krusty Krab later that week with a brand new God power, learned from Satan himself - the power to repel! SpongeBob runs at Skodwarde, trying to get an anal quickie in before his shift starts, but he is repelled by Skodwarde's incredible godly force field. SpongeBob stops being such a slut at this point, and begins to do his work like a normal fucking person, his jizzloads going down tremendously.


However, it's this jizzy flavor in the patties that keeps the customers coming back! So, in order to get more money, the sweaty greedy red fatass hires the obese stupid pink fatass to work at the Krusty Krab. Patrick hasn't had a good jack in a few days, so he's constantly trying to seduce the female customers, and keeps trying out pick up lines on Skodwarde. Skodwarde gets fed up with this constant annoying bullshit after a few hours.


"Hey Skodwarde, I have a new pick-up line for you."

"Get the fuck away from me."

"Hey baby. I don't have a pick-up line, but do you think you can pick up this dick?"


That one is the last straw for Skodwarde, and he and Patrick engage in a violent duel to the death, bloodying up the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob sits and watches with Mr. Krabs eating popcorn, since he can't intervene and help because of Skodwarde's new God power. Patrick is about to be sacrificed on a cross, when SpongeBob asks if it'd make more sense for Skodwarde to just stretch his God power to repel SpongeBob and Patrick. Skodwarde comments that this makes a lot of sense (more than what happened in the actual episode, anyway), and it is done. Skodwarde enjoys his first good night's sleep in years due to the repellance of his two most hated enemies.


The next day, Skodwarde wakes up, well-rested and ready to take on the day ahead. He turns in his bed, but feels something. He gets out of the covers and sees Patrick and SpongeBob magnetically bonded to him. 


"How the fuck did this happen?"


SpongeBob and Patrick point at a book on the ground.


"Reversing Spells," it says.


Skodwarde sighed.



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The author of 168b has been inactive lately so I am skipping that for now and posting 169a


169A: Asshole Day


It's that time of the month again, the one where SpongeBob decides to be the world's biggest asshole for a day. Several of his activities include: locking Sandy and Pearl in a funbox to have sex, and not telling Shadow where the hell to find that damn 4th Chaos Emerald or the computer room. That's not the evilest thing though, want to find out? Well here's the story, of a sp- no we're not going in that direction.  :P Today is the day he makes Skodwarde use his powers for GOOD (AAAAHHH!) and make rainbows so he can have his Fucky Charms yeah I totally didn't run out of ideas for a cereal name here! Sounds like a recipe for deliciousness amirite, because if it's not, you motherfuckers reading this have no taste in talent. I'm looking at you, Clappy   :stinkeye:.  So, how the hell does SpongeBob even make Skodwarde go good without driving him insane? Well, of course he uses fake Nazi ads, and for this, the great God of all Gods, Charmy Bee, the annoying voice pitched 6 year-old that nobody remembers, takes away Skodwarde's powers for a week to get back into his inner god. So Skodwarde mopes around all day with suicide jokes because why the hell not? So SpongeBob tries to cheer him up with, what else but music in German? Except the guitar player has a bomb in his guitar that he somehow gets past the strings and into Skodwarde's big nose, where it blows up. Then SpongeBob tries to make it up by showing his porn art judged by Matt Keezer, who of course is on roid rage so he destroys the beautiful porn. Skodwarde adds him to his hate list. 


That's not all, now SpongeBob takes Skodwarde on a balloon ride to hell, except that Skodwarde hates sunsets due to Twilight mentally scarring him for life. Then they fall down to Mt. Bikini, the only mountain which everyone on it automatically has a bikini for some reason. Nice Sponge Ass view for Skodwarde. After bickering whether the bikini looks better on who, another climber who also calls them amateurs and says that they both look awful, causes an assholelanchevalanche. Now, all that's left in the day, the sacred ritual where Skodwarde gets his asshole powers back because we were too lazy to find anything eventful. First off, Skodwarde casts an asshole spell on himself which lasts five minutes, yet that's all he needs. He first eats all the Fucky Charms, forces Sandy and Pearl to have hot sex with Patrick, has Matt Keezer physically scar SpongeBob and himself for life, then to top it off, he kills revives and kills SpongeBob all over again, right in front of him. So you think Skodwarde got all of his revenge, WELL YOU'RE WRONG MOTHAFUCKAS! He has the bomb violin guy and climber rape SpongeBob, which is what REALLY causes the soap to be dropped if you get what I'm saying.  ;) So he thanks the all powerful Charmy Bee for everything, and now he's more of an asshole than ever! Oh and SpongeBob was so scarred from all the sex stuff that he cancelled the asshole list, and rightfully told Shadow where the computer room and Chaos Emerald were, and everyone lived happily ever after, well as much as they could because this isn't a freakin' Disney movie for Christ's sake. 

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169b. Poon of the Jellyfish


SpongeBob and Patrick are watching the mating habits of jellyfish in Jellyfuck Fields, when out of nowhere, some aliens or some shit appear. These aliens have been analyzing Bikini Bottom for years now, and these special aliens have a problem- the women of their planet have some dry ass pussies. So these Jellions have arrived under the sea to harvest Bikini Bottom's incredibly horny fish specimen and transfer their libido and life energy to their planet by kidnapping them and I dunno it's more of a backstory than was actually given in the episode


So the Jellions go around Bikini Bottom, luring Bikini Bottomites into their lair (which is a shitty looking cave with a sign saying "Free Buttsecks" on the outside) and they begin transferring the lusty energies to their home planet. To keep up the ruse, the Jellions replace the people they kidnap with sentient effigies made out of alien pussy crust that imitates the kidnappees. SpongeBob, being his normal, incredibly oblivious self, doesn't notice that his friends have become black-eyed, and this time, it's not because their abusive spouse has been drinking again. SpongeBob works like normal, but then notices something different. He looks outside and sees his friends jacking off. Normal. Skodwarde is immune to the obvious crisis going on and is laughing at the obviously fucked up citizens. Normal. Patrick wants a patty, but tells SpongeBob that he wants no jizz on it.


That's cause for alarm.


SpongeBob figures out there's something up, and runs out of the Krusty Krab, to the only person who knows how to stop this madness: Sandy Squirrel Cheeks. Sandy takes SpongeBob into the treedome and gives him a blowjob to test if he's really SpongeBob- when he cums after less than 2 minutes, she knows it's the real Sponge. The two return to the Krusty Krab, where the source of these Jelly-kidnappers has... relocated I guess? The original episode didn't make this clear so whatever let's say they have teleportation. Yeah, that's cool. Kids love teleporting, right? Sandy and SpongeBob arrive in the freezer, where he finds the pods of all his friends and their sexual energy being drained. SpongeBob knows he has to stop this.


...But he's also got a super-high sex drive from not jizzing all day, so he finds some porn and gets busy. Sandy asks him why he doesn't just do her since she's right there, and SpongeBob replies that he'd rather not have AIDS. SpongeBob busts all over the Jellion leader, who....


Does absolutely nothing. He wipes it off. SpongeBob is completely surprised. Sandy is surprised. Even Skodwarde is surprised. This is how the original episode went, right? Well, right. He eventually succumbs to the power of jizz.


The alien powers down and the pods release all their friends. SpongeBob is about to go and make the "11 Minutes Later" meta-joke, when he feels a fleeting feeling of remorse for the poor aliens. They just wanted poon that wasn't similar in appearance to a desert, after all. SpongeBob goes into Skodwarde's locker, pulls out all his KY Jelly, and gives it to the Jellion leader. 


"Here ya go, buddy. This should help." 


The Jellion leader smiles and leaves Bikini Bottom with a lifetime supply of KY Jelly. SpongeBob, Sandy, and the whole gang wave to him as he goes off above the sea, to a planet where hopefully, the women will be wetter. The crew looks at each other smiling. Everything's really been wrapped up.


"Hey," Skodwarde yells, "Where's my lube?"



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And now, for the lost episode, 168B! However, here's a twist: jjs and I co-wrote this episode via Google Docs! Hope you enjoy!


168b. Matt Keezer and the Porn Fiasco!


One day, Patrick takes a walk into the Krusty Krab in a fancy ass suit and he asks where he can get some fine ass food and bitches to eat out. Skodwarde appears out of thin air and tells him that the place he seeks these two cravings is located none other than at the Krusty Krab (big shock right)! Then, out of nowhere, Mr. Krabs (with his big fat “krab kock” hanging out) appears in a orgasm-enticing leotard. SpongeBob then comes in free falling from a waterfall of cum, with Skodwarde by his side, riding and raping a dolphin at the same time. Skodwarde holds up a magical plate containing some fine Krabby Patties and bitches, and Patrick eats them out. SpongeBob is then seen with Mr. Krabs in front of a storyboard panel for the commercial (mindfuck). Mr. Krabs says he has three problems with it. One, the bitches aren’t slutty enough. Two, where did the dolphin come from? And three, why the hell is he wearing a leotard? Mr. Krabs then rips up the storyboard, stating that he needs his “masterpiece.” Mr. Krabs then begins to sigh a lot as if he is about to orgasm, and the sighing starts to annoy the fuck out of Skodwarde. After 5 straight minutes of listening to his orgasm-sounding sighs, Skodwarde decides to listen to Mr. Krabs’ problem (but Skodwarde still doesn’t give a shit like a boss).


After hearing Mr. K go on about the leotard and the bitches shit, Skodwarde notices a rather erotic-inducing man jizzing on a pile of Krabby Patties. The man ends up eating the Krabby Patties and vomits off-screen (high art). After the gross incident, the man asks one of the bitches from the commercial to jizz on his plate. The man finishes whatever the fuck he was doing and leaves his mess on a plate. Skodwarde thinks whoever the hell this was must have been stoned out of their mind, so he goes to throw the pile of shit away, when he stops and orgasms. He recognizes the pornographic artistic style from famed Pornhub.com creator Matt Keezer! Skodwarde thinks he has given birth...TO ART!


People from all over Bikini Bottom hear this and instantaneously crowd Skodwarde, wishing to purchase Mr. Keezer’s delightful mess. Mr. Krabs sees this as an opportunity to make some big bucks and steals the masterpiece out of Skodwarde’s hands. Chaos then ensues as everyone bitches on who owns the god damn thing. Suddenly, Fuckfel Dickbridge, a famed porn evaluator, comes in and says nobody will be touching that work of art. He labels it as a national treasure, meaning nobody owns the dope work. Mr. Dickbridge forces Krabs to allow patrons to view the...thing for free in his established place of eating. Krabs agrees, but only under the condition that customers buy 2 Krabby Patties at full price and the females must give him blowjobs free of charge.


However, this is a Season 8 episode, so guess who is watching? Charlie Sheen? Ha, I wish! Plankton is spying on the Krusty Krab as usual, and sees the beautiful…thing. He wonders why everyone is orgasming over a pile of shit. Plankton decides he will reverse-engine the formula or some shit by stealing the work. So, in the blink of an eye (no pun intended), he steals it, and the po-po (ft. Funky Cops) are hot on his trail (Scooby-Doo style), as Plankton gets away on a small...unicycle. Well, gotta start somewhere. Plankton wonders why the cops are chasing him, and wonders if the cops are racist against plankton now. He gives them the middle finger, as they continue chasing him Grand Theft Auto style. Their chase takes them to a movie theater where teenage girls are orgasming over 50 Shades of Grey, to a porn store, and all the way to a space station. I don’t know how that works, I really don’t.


At night, Plankton knocks on Patrick’s rock, but only receives a loud moaning, as the pink tub of fat is masturbating to the Playboy Channel. Plankton moves onto SpongeBob’s house, breaking in and holding them hostage...WITH A SPOON! He asks why the fuck the cops are on his trail, and asks if it has to do with his drug st-I mean, he asks if what he has actually has drugs in it. SpongeBob explains what he has is a priceless work of pornographic art. He then decides to sell it on the black market, and forces SpongeBob and Gary to be his partners in crime for when the po-po show. The pink tub of fat then shows up out of nowhere, yelling at all three of them for not letting Patrick concentrate on pleasuring himself. He is seen eating something, which...turns out to be Keezer’s priceless masterpiece (facepalm). Plankton says Patrick will be an accomplice too, when suddenly the police and Skodwarde bust down the door and charge into the house. The police, confused as fuck, end up arresting Plankton and Skodwarde until they figure out the meaning of life. Gary, SpongeBob, and Patrick are let off the hook, thanks to Cheapy McCheapSkate. Since the art is now in Patrick’s big fat stomach, Mr. Krabs decides to show him off as an attraction at the Krusty Krab, using an x-ray to show the art inside of his stomach. Keezer begins to cry, saying he will never fuck again, and begins to destroy his porn equipment. Skodwarde is also still in jail with Plankton, oh well. But don’t worry, they’ll be out next time, because this show just loves continuity.

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