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Wumbo
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Spoiler
36. "...Mr. Plankton?"
The Algae's Always Greener - 87 points
9 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #5 - @Funyarinpa
2019 Ranking: #21 (-15)
Season 3, written by Aaron Springer, C.H. Greenblatt, and Merriwether Williams
Plot: Plankton switches lives with Mr. Krabs.
All right, we need to get this out of the way first: this plot absolutely has been done to death. People switching bodies, people experiencing the "mile in my shoes" storyline - it's been done. It's not an original plot by any means. But tropes exist for a reason: they're effective at conveying certain things about your characters. So, what do we learn about Plankton here? Well, he's unhappy with his life. You can probably surmise that already from his multiple failed attempts to retrieve the Krabby Patty formula, but I think this is the first episode that flat-out states it. He has to eat holographic meatloaf instead of real food. He's not nearly as successful as his adversary. So what might life be like if he switched places for one day? Well, SpongeBob and Squidward are still here to show just how much Mr. Krabs must go through on a daily basis, in the most hilarious fashion possible. I love how neurotic SpongeBob is in this episode; Plankton definitely gets to see the most annoying side of him, being his boss. Squidward doesn't help much either, griping and complaining and turning in "OH MY GOODNESS" patties. I also like the shift of Krabs being naked and the general surreal nature of this episode. I think what makes Plankton episodes work on the whole is that Plankton is such a fun, over-the-top character. You can mess with him in so many different ways because his reaction will always be priceless. He definitely gets kicked around in this episode, as he does most episodes, but that's what makes them so great. And if Plankton can learn to be happy with his holographic meatloaf, we can learn to be happy with ourselves as well.
Spoiler35. "Barnacles to the customer!"
Friend or Foe - 88 points
6 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #6 - @Aquatic Konquest
2019 Ranking: #39 (+4)
Season 5, written by Casey Alexander, Zeus Cervas, Mike Mitchell, Steven Banks, and Tim Hill
Plot: We get to see Mr. Krabs' and Plankton's backstory.
Here it is, folks. The lone entry on my list from the dreaded "post-movie" era. Honestly, it's not that I dislike anything past Season 3 on the whole, or even that there are no episodes that could contend for spots on my list. But I'm naturally going to have affinity for the episodes that I grew up with, namely Seasons 1 through 3. So you really have to amaze me to break through on this list if you are not from those seasons. Sorry, that's just how I roll. But it also speaks to the excellence of this episode that it broke through. I can't think of a better way to tell a Krabs/Plankton backstory. It seems like all the pieces fall into place, and it's told so well and adds new layers to the characters that make you feel sympathy for them. I love that they started out as friends; it seems cliche, but their friendship is so adorable that you don't care. The story follows very logically, even as it's corrupted by the different minds telling the story (luckily, the talking computer sets things straight in the end). I like this backstory of Mr. Krabs the best; it makes sense towards his money-making ways that he would start out so poor and be bullied for it in school. The misfit storyline with him and Plankton leading to their eventual triumphant creation of the Krabby Patty is told beautifully. It just goes to show that the SpongeBob writers, as many as there are on this episode, can come together and make something truly marvelous and reminiscent of those classic episodes of Seasons 1-3. What a great story, and what a worthy episode to put on a Top 25 list.
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38. "I must fulfill the prophecy while you untie Patrick and the royal doofus!"
Dunces and Dragons - 84 points
9 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #3 - @SpongeOddFan
2019 Ranking: #18 (-20)
Season 4, written by Zeus Cervas, Erik Wiese, and Tim Hill
Plot: SpongeBob and Patrick go back to medieval times.
This is certainly a change from your typical episode, isn't it? We've seen time travel episodes before this one, to be sure. But this is one that feels like it has an actual cohesive story to follow, and a mission with high stakes. It's interesting to see all the Bikini Bottom residents we know and love in their medieval forms. Squidward as the Royal Fool particularly shines (that "great-great-grandson" line is a classic). And it's always cool to see SpongeBob and Patrick in a new environment to see how they react to it. This has been a staple of the list for years now. With some fun songs and some great action sequences, it's definitely one to remember.
Spoiler37. "Balloon *pppfff* has *pppfff* enough *pppff* air! *pppfff* Thanks! *pppfff*"
Rock Bottom - 86 points
7 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #6 - @The Helpful Mexican
2019 Ranking: #23 (-14)
Season 1, written by Paul Tibbitt, Ennio Torresan, Jr. and David Fain
Plot: SpongeBob gets trapped in Rock Bottom on his way home from Glove World.
You ever have one of those days where everything goes wrong for you? SpongeBob's had some of those days. This is certainly one of them. Very few episodes are as cruel to SpongeBob as this one. It's agonizing to experience. Everything going wrong, always missing the bus, not being able to understand the locals, and most of all, being in a dark, unfamiliar place. But of course, that's what makes the episode so enjoyable. Not only because of the comedy, but also because by this point SpongeBob is a character we definitely want to root for, and his frustration and determinism are things we feel watching the episode. You want SpongeBob to succeed and get back to Bikini Bottom, that's why you tune in for the whole thing. To take a generally optimistic character like SpongeBob and place him in this situation can only make for a captivating episode. Will he make it out of Rock Bottom? And how? Rock Bottom itself is brilliantly designed as well, this seedy underbelly of Bikini Bottom that mixes the unfamiliarity of a new town with the real-life implications of deep underwater. A truly memorable episode that deserves an annual spot on this list, for sure.
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Spoiler40. "Well, back to the old grind!"
Big Pink Loser - 83 points
6 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #2 - @Clappy & @Katniss
2019 Ranking: #37 (-3)
Season 2, written by Jay Lender, William Reiss, and Merriwether Williams
Plot: Patrick tries to win an award.
It's weird that in my last write-up concerning Patrick, I characterized him as lazy and unambitious. It's still true, to be sure. But then we come to this episode, which is probably Patrick at his most go-getter and ambitious he's ever been. Granted, it's all in pursuit of a dumb trophy, and he ends up winning one BECAUSE of his laziness anyway, but still. This is one of the best, if not the best, Patrick character studies out there. It's remembered as this wacky episode where Patrick does everything wrong working at the Krusty Krab, and then decides his best course of action is to be like SpongeBob to get an award - like, exactly like him. See picture above. But we really get a sense of what makes Patrick tick in this episode. He would certainly be the type to get motivated by an extrinsic, ultimately meaningless award to better his own life and the people around him. But we also get to see that he is in fact horribly self-conscious about his lack of ability and motivation. They may be character traits we see exclusively tied to an extrinsic reward, but still, quotes like "What's so great about being a big pink loser?" and "Patrick's not here!" hit hard coming from the happy-go-lucky starfish we've all come to know and love. Episodes which tear away the fabric of these characters and get into their inner core fascinate me, particularly with Patrick as we more frequently see it with SpongeBob. It may be a simple episode, but Patrick is generally a simple guy, so it all fits. A marvelous character study that provides some depth to a character typically in the shallow end.
Spoiler39. "Not A sandwich. THE sandwich."
Clams - 83 points
7 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #5 - @jjsthekid
2019 Ranking: #33 (-6)
Season 3, written by Jay Lender, Sam Henderson, and Mark O'Hare
Plot: SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward go clam fishing.
Is Mr. Krabs a nutcase? He may genuinely be a nutcase. Mr. Krabs has been criticized over the years for his big character shift into only caring about money and nothing else. But is that really so much of a shift? Look at this episode. He obsesses over his millionth dollar, takes his employees on the cheapest getaway possible to celebrate, and then when his millionth dollar gets eaten by a clam, he starves his employees for motivation to find it and then ties them up as live bait. Yeah, he's insane. But now we run into the problem of "oh, if this aired in Season 5, people would be tearing their hair out, going KRABS IS SUCH A CHEAPSKATE."
Well, see, the difference between those episodes and this one is that this one is funny. And it's funny precisely because of Krabs' sadism and insanity being turned up to 11. You cannot argue that this episode does not have stakes. It's got a damn orchestra spelling out the tense moments, for crying out loud. It's an exciting and hilarious episode that proves as yet another example of why Season 3 is so great. I hold Season 2 as the best season, but damn if Season 3 doesn't make a good case as well with episodes like these. SpongeBob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs are such a great team of comedy. The way they interact with each other is always ripe for some good laughs, particularly in high-stakes situations like these. Krabs is a nutcase. But as long as it's funny, that's okay!
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42. "Ah, notice the scavenger crab eating garbage, unaware he is being stalked by his natural predator, the puffer fish."
Feral Friends - 75 points
5 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @4EverGreen
2019 Ranking: #38 (-4)
Season 10, written by Mr. Lawrence
Plot: A strange moon turns all of Bikini Bottom into wild animals.
When your series gets to Season 10, no matter what it is or who it's for, you have to do things to shake it up. I admire the gumption of this episode to really play with our conceptions of the characters we know and love, by turning them all into more feral, animalistic versions of themselves. Look at that Squidward in the image. Just look at it. It's grotesque. But it's also kind of the point. You could call this episode many things, but things you couldn't call it are "boring" or "unambitious". Another boon to this episode is that after 10 seasons, it has the French narrator in his biggest role, which is another something that separates this episode from the pack. It's amazing how, regardless of perceived drops in quality, SpongeBob still has the ability to massively shake it up now and again, and in cases of episodes like these, it pays off.
Spoiler41. "How could I possibly be angry when my taste buds are swimming in Christmas cheer?"
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It's a SpongeBob Christmas! - 83 points
4 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @Aquatic Konquest
2019 Ranking: #49 (+8)
Season 8, written by Luke Brookshier, Mark Ceccarelli, Derek Iversen, and Doug LawrencePlot: Plankton turns everyone into jerks before Christmas so he can comparatively get on Santa's nice list.
After eight seasons, regardless of whether you've had a Christmas episode or not, it's about time for a new one. While I vastly prefer the first Christmas episode, this one is certainly not without its charms. The stop-motion animation is a bold choice that really pays off and makes the episode stand out, as well as calling to mind those classic Rankin-Bass Christmas specials of of yore. The plot is pretty simplistic, but it's a kid's show, and it's a Christmas episode, so it works well enough. SpongeBob not being affected by the Jerktonium is certainly in line with his character and does good to bring about Christmas cheer (plus, if he was affected then you wouldn't have a resolution to the episode). All in all, a worthy successor to the first Christmas episode that does enough new things to keep it around in people's minds.
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44. "Six hundred. You need six hundred to pass. You got six."
No Free Rides - 70 points
5 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #2 - @Wumbo
2019 Ranking: #34 (-10)
Season 2, written by Aaron Springer, C.H. Greenblatt, and Doug Lawrence
Plot: Mrs. Puff passes SpongeBob so she doesn't have to deal with him anymore.
This is the most fun episode of SpongeBob to watch. It has it all; action, comedy, carjacking. I think what makes this episode work so well for me is the fact that Mrs. Puff is secretly my favourite character. The turmoil she goes through is amazingly dark, and you could argue her life, not Squidward's or Plankton's, is the one most negatively affected by SpongeBob. Why else would she want to pass him fraudulently? Now, the key to these episodes is that SpongeBob is a naïve participant in Mrs. Puff episodes. Particularly when driving, he's like a tropical storm - unaware of what he's doing, but nonetheless causing destruction wherever he goes. SpongeBob may never learn to drive properly. But as long as he's willing to learn, he will continue to torment his teacher until the end of time. Obviously the best part of this episode is the chase sequence (though a close second is the uncannily sensual scene previously where SpongeBob goes to check on Boaty). The "EDUCATIONAL TELEVISION" line is a classic, and might be one of the funniest lines in the show for me. This episode never gets stale upon rewatch; I always find something new to appreciate and it's because Mrs. Puff and SpongeBob make such a good pair. Not a typical choice for #2, as evidenced by its low placement on this list, but it's an underrated classic in my view and another example of why Season 2 is the best.
Spoiler43. "You're right. If I was a mom, this would be kinda shocking. Just call me Daddy!"
Rock-a-Bye Bivalve - 72 points
6 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #8 - @ForgottenOne
2019 Ranking: #43 (=)
Season 3, written by Jay Lender, Sam Henderson, and Mark O'Hare
Plot: SpongeBob and Patrick take care of a baby scallop.
I've talked about character duos a lot in these write-ups thus far. It's something that's very important to me as we rank episodes, which you'll see when more of my picks inevitably end up on this list. Many character duos, obviously, involve the titular character, SpongeBob. This episode pairs him with Patrick. Now, obviously, these two work well together, being best friends and all. But when another character gets thrown into the mix, like Squidward or Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, you don't really see their character dynamic shine as much as they kind of become two halves of a whole idiot. Put them together alone, or with an incidental character like the scallop, and you get to really see what makes each of them tick and how they can get on each other's nerves, which is a lot more interesting. Like I said before, it's also a great way to highlight the differences in their personalities. SpongeBob, as we've said, is a bit dumb and naïve, but he's a hard worker and genuinely cares about people. Patrick has many more vices as as a character. He's lazy, ignorant, and even belligerent at times. This gives way to the dreaded "Patrick's a Prick" episode distinctions, and while I do think sometimes the characterization goes too far, it's kinda just who Patrick is at some points. Anyway, exploiting these character differences makes for a great episode, particularly one in which SpongeBob and Patrick (well, mostly SpongeBob) have to deal with being new parents. It's kind of hilarious to think about the backlash this episode got for promoting gay relationships or whatever. First off, so what if it was, and second, this is just a step above Ernie and Bert being gay in terms of actual viability. Take away the manufactured controversy, and you get a great episode with lots of good character moments and classic jokes. The previous seasons building to this is kind of like watching a baby grow, or a scallop fly.
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Spoiler46. "Your butt's all better."
I Had an Accident - 68 points
4 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #2 - @Steel Sponge
2019 Ranking: #46 (=)
Season 3, written by C.H. Greenblatt, Kaz, and Merriwether Williams
Plot: SpongeBob breaks his butt, which scares him into staying indoors.
A common criticism of the later seasons is that SpongeBob and Patrick have essentially become the same character. It's nice to have episodes like this where the character differences are clear and presentable. SpongeBob is a bit on the dim and naïve side, true, but he also has a tendency to be completely neurotic. Now, I can understand an accident like he suffers in the episode to shake him up a bit, but he clearly goes off the deep end when he starts talking to inanimate objects (apologies to Penny, Chip, Used Napkin, and I'll assume Cha as well). This is why SpongeBob is such a great foil to so many characters; he is multi-dimensional and can be molded to fit many different plots, and it never feels forced or out of place in the great episodes like this one. Heck, maybe SpongeBob was ahead of his time before the pandemic, har har har. This episode boasts a great character study of SpongeBob with that notable Season 3 wackiness, particularly towards the end. A sometimes-forgotten classic in its own right.
Spoiler45. "Sir, I'll give you a million dollars for that hat!"
One Krabs Trash - 68 points
5 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #3 - @Funyarinpa
2019 Ranking: #47 (+2)
Season 3, written by Paul Tibbitt, Kaz, and Mark O'Hare
Plot: Mr. Krabs tries to get back the hat he sold to SpongeBob after learning it is worth much more money.
There's something to be said about a good shaggy-dog story, that is, a story that really seems pointless and fruitless once you reach the end of it. That perfectly describes Mr. Krabs' efforts to retrieve SpongeBob's hat, and all the trials and tribulations he went through, only to have it end up worthless in the end. Such is the life of a man always on the make. Now, that's not to say the episode isn't worthwhile. It certainly is. For such an ultimately pointless endeavor, it gets a lot of surprising laughs and memorable moments in. This is the "Foxy Grandpa" episode. The "floating shopping list" episode. Squidward's hopes and dreams. Defiling a grave for money. Smitty Werben Jaeger Man Jensen in general. It's a goldmine of fun moments. Such is the power of Season 3. Even when telling a story that is ultimately pointless, it makes you feel fulfilled having watched it. If we have to trade a story end for laughs, then this episode is one smart shopper.
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48. "I'll bet if he had just one friend, he wouldn't be such a meanie."
F.U.N. - 66 points
6 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #9 - @Steel Sponge
2019 Ranking: N/A (+5 from HMs)
Season 1, written by Sherm Cohen, Aaron Springer, and Peter Burns
Plot: SpongeBob decides to try to befriend Plankton after he gets humiliated once again.
This episode is like the perfect blueprint for how to write a basic SpongeBob/Plankton episode, taking into account their conflicting personalities. The episode reaches its full comedic potential through the contrast. The first few moments where SpongeBob attempts to become Plankton's friend are hilarious with the communication issues. The F.U.N. song, as well as Plankton's reworking of it, are classic moments of SpongeBob that should alone guarantee it a spot on this list. Everyone who grew up with SpongeBob can sing along to both parts of the song with ease. It's interesting that this early into SpongeBob's run, they were already looking at how to play with character dynamics and try new things. SpongeBob becoming Plankton's friend feels like an episode that shouldn't have happened until at least the latter half of the season. But it did, and they pulled it off spectacularly, right up until the bait-and-switches at the end. It's also refreshing to see a Mr. Krabs in Season 1 that genuinely cares for his employee and isn't quite so money-obsessed. The three of them together make an excellent episode.
Spoiler47. "SpongeBob? In art class? Wait! This is cooking! Come back!"
Artist Unknown - 67 points
7 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #7 - @sbl
2019 Ranking: N/A (New!)
Season 2, written by Walt Dohrn, Paul Tibbitt, and Mark O'Hare
Plot: SpongeBob joins an art class and Squidward is the teacher.
Season 2 is so very good and does so many things right that sometimes the straight-up funny episodes get lost in the shuffle. That sometimes happens with Artist Unknown, which didn't even make the list last year and only barely squeaks in this year. And that's a shame, because this is an episode that does so much with its premise. By now, you would know the characters enough to accept that SpongeBob and Squidward together are a dynamite team. You would also know that Squidward's love of art and questionable talent at such are well-established parts of his character. With all the legwork out of the way, you have the foundation to create some very funny moments. And from the initial art lesson to SpongeBob's "reworking" of his masterpieces, it really delivers. Artist Unknown is an episode that really speaks to the strengths of the characters, particularly how Squidward's envy and pride get him in trouble. A truly bold and brash episode.
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Alright its a couple days early woohoo woohoo im just like doug ford reopening ontario
SBC'S Top 50 Best Episodes Ever (for 2021)
Spoiler50. "Oh yeah? What if I said... 'blargen fedibble no-hip?'"
Sandy, SpongeBob, and the Worm - 64 points
4 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #6 - @E.V.I.L.
2019 Ranking: N/A (New!)
Season 2, written by Jay Lender, Dan Povenmire, and Merriwether Williams
Plot: Sandy seeks revenge, and her tail, from an Alaskan bull worm that has threatened Bikini Bottom.
A good way to start off the list is to look at one of the series' most endearing character dynamics in SpongeBob and Sandy. These two aren't always the funniest pairing, but it's never a dull story pairing them together. Throwing an existential threat like an Alaskan bull worm into the mix just raises the stakes that much higher, as does Sandy longing for her tail. It is genuinely sweet to see how much SpongeBob cares for the safety of his friend, and contrasting that with Sandy's usual gung-ho approach makes for some great comedic and emotional moments. I wouldn't begrudge anyone if they cited this story as their favourite Sandy episode. It really ticks all the boxes for what you want from an episode starring her - it's adventurous, quirky, and provides great character relationships that propel the story. Of course, the townsfolk are great too, letting their mob mentality push them to... push Bikini Bottom somewhere else. This is an episode I feel gets overlooked coming at the tail end (ha-ha) of Season 2, but it drummed up enough support this time around to squeak into the list after being absent from even honourable mentions last time. Such is the power of big, scary, and pink, and I'm not talking about Patrick's belly button either.
Spoiler49. "The shell knows all!"
Club SpongeBob - 65 points
6 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #5 - @Clappy
2019 Ranking: N/A (+15 from HMs)
Season 3, written by Walt Dohrn and Mark O'Hare
Plot: SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward are stranded in the Kelp Forest and must seek guidance from an unlikely source.
I think when Seasons 4 and 5 rolled around and people started turning sour on the show, a couple of Season 3 episodes got some (mild) pushback as being the progenitors of Squid abuse or whatever. This is one I recall as one of those episodes. And, you know, everyone is entitled to their own opinion of course, but as this list shows the episode is popular again, and rightfully so. I genuinely do not know how you can get mad at this episode. It's a goof! Everything about it is goofy. It has an entire plane of supplies fall right out of the sky for SpongeBob and Patrick, for crying out loud. And as a goof, it does its job extremely well. Using the magic conch shell as a crucial decision maker for SpongeBob, Patrick, and reluctantly Squidward, is such a great decision. It's exactly the kind of stupid thing that could captivate SpongeBob and Patrick, and simultaneously cause grief for Squidward. There's a danger that an episode where three characters are stuck in a forest can risk becoming dry, but the conch shell element completely erases any notion of that. It drives the comedy and the stakes of the episode, and concludes it perfectly with the rescue ranger having his own magic conch shell, and Squidward, as always, resigned to his fate. As is the case for every eleven minutes of his life.
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List submission is now CLOSED. This means you can no longer submit a list nor edit your list. Thank you to everyone who submitted a list - we DID crack 30 so I will NOT settle for 29! Great participation! Thanks to:
SpoilerWumbo (I'm too kind to myself. really)
Now, as you can imagine, tallying 30 top 25 lists takes time. So please give me some time and I promise I'll have the first entry ready by America Day. Sound good? Great! Sit tight as our new Top 50 list awaits!
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"Squidcano!" and "Rodeo Clowns" - two episodes so terrible they don't even exist
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Hello my friends and foes. After a weird hiatus from a weird year, Uncle Wumbo is here to go on this ride once again. What SpongeBob episodes shall we not only deem the best of the series, but also endlessly fight over in the comments section? Will Cheap Walk Cycles finally reach that elusive victory? I can't wait.
Submit a Top 25 list of your best episodes, IN ORDER, preferably from 25 to 1 for consistency's sake. PM me either here or Discord. Feel free to edit your list after you send it, at any point before the deadline, which I am tentatively making June 29. That gives you pizza toppings a month to cobble 25 episodes together, that oughta be enough.
One quick rundown of how the scores will be tallied:
Episodes will be awarded points on an inverse scale. An episode ranked at 25 on someone's list will get 1 point, an episode at 24 will get two points, and so on until a #1 episode gets 25 points. Order matters!
After all lists are tallied, any tiebreakers will go through a 3-tier system:
First tier: The episode on more lists wins. If still tied...
Second tier: The episode with the highest individual ranking on a list wins. If still tied...
Third tier: I pick my favourite, because what are you gonna do about it
Get those lists in! Remember, it's about getting as many lists as possible to represent the best consensus possible. Lemme know if you have any questions. Happy listin'!
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22 hours ago, 4EverGreen said:
To quote a "Robot Chicken" sketch; "THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!!!" What is WRONG with Bob Camp and Nickelodeon?! You never, Never, NEVER, make an episode about a character eating ANOTHER character! It's NOT funny, it has NEVER been funny, and it NEVER will be funny, no matter how much you WANT it to be! How much, how MUCH did Bob Camp have to PAY Nickelodeon to let him MAKE this horrible atrocity, and DEFILE Stephen Hillenburg's creation?! Characters need to be written CONSISTENTLY, and not do HORRIBLE things to each other! This isn't "Drawn Together", where people EXPECT things like that! This is a CHILDREN'S CARTOON SHOW!!!! Think of the CHILDREN who could watch this! If Bob Camp wanted the censors to BAN an episode OTHER than "Mid Life Crustacean", CONGRATULATIONS! You just accomplished in ONE viewing, what it took TWENTY years of Society Marching On to do to "Mid Life Crustacean"! I think we can all agree by this point, that MY story ideas are TRILLIONS of times better than what THIS thing is! At least I NEVER allow any characters in MY stories, to eat any other characters, and at least MY characters are written with a CONSISTENT characterization! To quote from "Dave The Barbarian"; "There must be SOMETHING worse than an F. Z, Z, Z!!!!!" I hope Bob Camp is NEVER allowed to write ANOTHER episode of "Spongebob Squarepants" EVER again; no matter HOW much he PAYS Nickelodeon! No amount of money is WORTH it! I'd give THIS episode a NEGATIVE INFINITY out of a POSITIVE INFINITY, if that's even possible! Enough said!
I agree, a despicable episode that has no place in the SpongeBob canon. 5 stars.
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IT'S HERE
TOP 10
Spoiler10. Beyoncé
Is it possible for an artist such as Beyoncé to be underrated? I'm actually gonna go with yes, as no one has received more unnecessary flak for just… existing than Beyoncé. If you ever need proof that racism and misogyny are alive and well, you need only look at the way some people turn their noses down at Beyoncé, but can't quiiiite put their finger on why. You'd assume that some of this is just jealousy, but I think it's a very specific type of racist jealousy that absolutely hates the idea of a black woman becoming this powerful and successful. But Beyoncé very clearly deserves it. And despite what I said, she has gotten a fair share of praise and acclaim as well, deservedly so. I think it's her album Lemonade that absolutely ended up winning me over, putting me on her side permanently. I started to come around once I grew up and realized there was more music out there than grungy shit, but Lemonade is an absolute delight of an album, cementing Beyoncé as the type of artist that will forever have a legacy. And she deserves it. She deserves to be even more loved than she is right now. She deserves the world and more. She is simply #Flawless. I love Beyoncé, and she can do absolutely no wrong. She deserves a spot in my Top 10 and so much more. Fuck the haters, man.
Best Song: "Formation"
Spoiler9. The Tragically Hip
The Tragically Hip is Canada's band. I'm pretty sure that upon entry to our country, you are required to make a statement of declaration saying that you will listen to at least five Tragically Hip songs within the week. And given that they're mainstays on the radio thanks to CanCon laws, you won't have a hard time doing so.
But is the music any good? Well, absolutely. They wouldn't make it so far on my list if it wasn't. What I appreciate about The Tragically Hip, and Gord Downie in particular, are the storytelling abilities. The Tragically Hip are not just Canada's band by fame. They get there due to their keen understanding of this country, and their songwriting capturing the aesthetic of the country to a T. It really makes you feel like a Canadian listening to them, just as something by Tom Petty feels quintessentially American. This band is full of so many weird quirks, yet they remain a staple on Canadian radio to this day because people can't get enough of them.
I posted my Top 10 Tragically Hip songs in honour of Gord Downie, who had then been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and was in the middle of his last tour. Gord knew what it meant to be a good Canadian. He was smart and savvy, and had a heart of gold. He was always looking to highlight issues in Canada, particularly within indigenous communities, even up to his death. I only wish I got to see these guys in concert before he died. I did watch the final concert on TV and it was amazing. The energy, the performance, the effort. Canada loves this band. And I do too. They are the best musical representation of the country, for me. Canada was lucky to have these guys around.
Best Song: "Bobcaygeon"
Spoiler8. U2
U2 gets a lot of shit for being preachy. But I have to imagine the majority of that comes from Bono himself. Not even his music, just his admittedly obnoxious personality. But if you take a step back and look at the music, it is stunning just how well U2 holds up. Even in a decade as immediately dated as the 80s, they stand out by sticking to their principles and morals, and making the music they want to, which comes off timeless even today. And say what you will about Bono; he is a hell of an emphatic singer. He puts ultimate power into any mood he's trying to convey, which admittedly most of the time seems to be anguished rage. But he sells it well. And The Edge's guitar licks are consistently some of the most simultaneously hard-hitting and soothing sounds in music. They're just a great band. I think they deserve a hell of a lot more respect than they get. You go back to any one of their albums in the 80s and it's just fire-in-your-belly hard rock. You look at Achtung Baby and it's probably one of the best transformations this side of David Bowie. I've loved U2 since I was a kid, and unlike other bands that I loved during that time, they never got embarrassing or unbearable for me. Just more awesome.
Best Song: "Acrobat"
Spoiler7. Kanye West
Speaking of obnoxious personalities… so much has been said about Kanye West's escapades and controversies, which I personally find deeply uninteresting at this point. At some point it feels like punching down, like we're just making fun of this guy who clearly has serious mental health issues. So let's instead focus on why he became such a superstar to begin with: because he makes damn good music.
Find me an artist more positively influential on the rap scene today than Kanye West. You can't, because he's done so much over the past two decades of his relevance. He's an amazing producer, probably one of the best ever in the business. And he is a very emotional rapper. Even if his lyrics get a little "out there" at points, they are undeniably Kanye. He accomplishes the most important goal as a rapper, which is that you couldn't picture his words coming from anyone else. He is probably the biggest personality in hip hop, for better or for worse. And when it comes to his music and memorability, it's definitely for the better. Point is, there is simply no other artist on the planet like Kanye West. Yeah, he's egotistical, but he's earned it, and he's earned a place in hip hop fame, and he's more than earned a Top 10 spot on this list. There's only one Kanye. Because I don't think the world would be ready for two.
Best Song: "Jesus Walks"
Spoiler6. Kendrick Lamar
What is there left to say about Kendrick Lamar? It's such a cliché to even talk about him at this point. He saved rap music, he's the only good rapper, yada yada yada. Old head opinions aside, Kendrick Lamar is such a stunning presence in the hip hop world. It really feels like he rips the curtain away and really shows you what's going on in Black communities, all while being enough of a personality to garner mainstream attention. It's been so difficult for me to talk about hip hop over the years, because, let's face it. I am not the target demographic. And especially at the start of last decade, I was in way over my head trying to understand what made the rap artists of the day popular and why people like them. I still don't! I'm a white dumbass, leave me alone.
But I still know what I like. And though it took me a while to warm up to Kendrick Lamar's weird deliveries, now I can't imagine my life without his music. Because even though it's mainly centred around issues that I can't begin to understand through firsthand experience, I understand mental health. And I understand the anguish that you go through when you feel like you have to prove yourself to so many people, but feel like you're falling short every time. That's the real pathos and energy I get from his work. Kendrick is such an amazing writer and performer; I can't think of a song of his where I felt like he totally dropped the ball. Some questionable choices maybe here and there, but the emotion and the energy always shines through. Kendrick Lamar is my favourite rapper, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that opinion.
Best Song: "u"
Spoiler5. Stevie Wonder
Stevie Wonder is like if God himself came down from Heaven and started recording music. And no, I don't mean Danny DeVito. It is impossible to describe how much joy a Stevie Wonder song gives me. He's had the gift ever since he was a child, releasing that "Fingertips" song in 1963 to rousing success. And he just got better and better through the 60s and 70s. And despite his generally sunshiny demeanour, he also had a hell of an acid tongue when necessary. He wasn't afraid to get righteously pissed and put it into his music. And he managed to do this while still making it danceable as well. That's something that most can't do for more than one song before flaming out, but Stevie Wonder found a way. He was almost guaranteed to appear in a Top 10 every time he hit the Hot 100 for two decades. And even though he considerably fell in quality in the 80s, he was still a nice guy to keep around and "Part-Time Lover" is still a jam. He's just someone you're wired to like; his overall personality and knack for great songwriting make him a mainstay in the music conversation. Nothing but respect for this man, truly one of the greatest talents in music history.
Best Song: "You Haven't Done Nothin'"
Spoiler4. Green Day
What was the first album you bought? Who am I kidding, half of you have probably never bought an album. Look at me showing my age. Uh, anyway. For me, it was Green Day's American Idiot. Probably the first time I really started to appreciate a band. And indeed, they exceeded my expectations with that album. An amazing rock opera from beginning to end. But I still wasn't cognizant of their earlier stuff. Eventually, I checked it out and now Green Day stands tall as one of my all-time favourite bands.
Green Day is the snot-nosed punk group everyone can appreciate. They have a flawless run of albums through the 90s, and went in different directions in the 2000s to great success as well. Warning is actually my favourite album by them, which is not an opinion held by many. But it was the perfect chance to show off their versatility after a decade of familiarity, and they pulled it off beautifully. Tons of hidden gems on that album, for real. This paved the way for them to really experiment with albums like American Idiot and 21st Century Breakdown, both of which are also excellent. Green Day's music always feels righteous, purposeful, and meaningful, no matter what they're singing about, even if it's jerking off from boredom. The rhythm section is unbelievable, just the perfect example to back up Billie Joe Armstrong and hold the listener's interest.
Yes, it's true they fell off HARD in the past ten years or so, probably even more than Weezer. I dare not mention their PURE UNCUT ROCK phase last year, which made them come off like sad old grandpas more than anything. But there's simply way too much for me to love about Green Day to not justify a spot for them in the Top 5. They were one of the first bands I ever became a fan of. I bought and listened to all their 90s albums and loved every single one of them. I'm still looking for hidden gems, even in projects that overall miss the mark. They're just a fun band to keep around. They make me happy. It also helps that green is my favourite colour, so they had a leg in the door to begin with.
One of the first things I bought music-related, even before the Green Day album, was a Green Day poster. It was the first poster of any kind I had, and it found a place on my bedroom door as a symbol of quite possibly the first band I ever fell in love with. I don't care how hard they fell off, that's a feeling you simply cannot take away from me. Green Day are simply a band forever etched into my psyche. My blood is type Billie Joe Positive. And I will keep listening to their all-time classic records for years and years to come.
Best Song: "Misery"
Spoiler3. Prince
Prince is the ultimate pop star. He is unmatchable in personality, talent, creativity, and musicianship alike. It is simply not enough to write about why Prince is so amazing, and if this were an objective list of, like, the best artists, Prince would be #1 without a doubt. I don’t think anyone even comes close to being purely as great a musician as Prince, at least in the mainstream. But this is my personal list, and I came to Prince a bit later than my Top 2, so at #3 he sits. But really, for how late I came to him, his spot at #3, over Green Day, a band I've loved unconditionally since childhood, is a major accomplishment.
We will never get a Prince ever again. The Weeknd serves as a great Michael Jackson replacement. There is no Prince replacement. It's impossible. When I think 80s pop, I think Prince. He revolutionized funk, pop, R&B, soul, and rock music to make it his own, and his personality through his music and outside of it is simply infectious. It's impossible not to appreciate the guy at least a little. I can't think of one person who doesn't like Prince. If you find them, please don't let me know.
Prince is essentially David Bowie in his final form, a musical virtuoso larger than life and able to swing from genre to genre. What elevates him above Bowie for me is that sometimes I find Bowie's performances slightly detached-sounding, which is part of the aesthetic and nothing wrong with that, necessarily. But you'd never find that problem with Prince. He oozes passion and soul. Every note he sings, he completely means it. He is the perfect example of what a superstar looks and sounds like.
Losing Bowie and Prince in the same year was mind-boggling to me. Two of the greatest musical talents who ever lived, gone. But Prince's death absolutely knocked the wind out of me. I felt almost detached from reality for a few days. There's just no way Prince could be gone. It was unbelievable. And it was then that I realized how lucky I was to live in a world where he did exist. Where he put on the greatest Super Bowl performance of all time. Where he churned out classic song after classic song without ceasing. The personality, the legend. The prince of music.
I only wish I could have seen him live in concert. But he will live on forever in music fame, and he deserves it. Prince is an eternal treasure.
Best Song: "Darling Nikki"
Spoiler2. Aerosmith
Aerosmith are 70s rock for me. Grimy, grungy, unwashed, 70s rock. This is stuff that was recorded in a basement with all different kinds of rodents running through. Rats in a cellar, if you will. Aerosmith feel like the most real picture of what living as a rock star in the 70s was actually like: Drugged-up, dirty, but able to tear the roof off with every performance. Of all the bands my parents grew up with, this is the one that sticks with me the most. Every song of theirs, you can picture yourself in the crowd, watching them live, broken beer bottles and Mary Jane littering the air.
There's just something captivating about the way Steven Tyler leans into all of his songs with such gusto. Even when they got a little goofier in more recent decades, Steven Tyler always seems like he's having the time of his life performing. It makes you want to root for the band wherever they go, and even though the 70s was clearly the best time for them, I think they held their own for decades to come and can still rock pretty hard today. I saw them around six years ago, they were still amazing and killed their live performance. Like they haven't missed a step after all these years.
Whenever I think of a rock n' roll band, Aerosmith is the first one that comes to mind. They have such an extensive catalog of classic songs and albums, and it all holds up to this day despite being etched very firmly in the 70s. I don’t know how unpopular this opinion is today, but I hold Steven Tyler up there with the rock gods. He is simply a captivating presence on stage and off, and has enough of a sense of humour to keep things interesting after all these years. Sweet, emotional, but will melt your face off given the opportunity. Awesome.
Best Song: "Nobody's Fault"
Spoiler1. Red Hot Chili Peppers
The #1 pick for this list is one that shouldn't be made lightly, especially if I'm giving it the weight of it forming my general opinions on music for years to come. I hemmed and hawed, paced and pondered, dithered and dathered over who deserves the spot. And I'll be honest: I could probably see anyone from Bowie onward having a chance at the #1 spot. It was tough to order these last 12 or so. I could come up with an argument for each of them to sit upon the highest part of the podium.
But, in the end, what will stick with me the longest? What will I still be listening to, not years, but decades to come? What will be the soothing sounds on my deathbed? And for me, it has to be Red hot Chili Peppers. They're just too iconic in my life to ignore. And they deserve my #1 spot.
I think it started when I heard "Suck My Kiss" and "Around the World" back to back. I was certainly aware of the Chili Peppers up to that point. I had heard the occasional song on the radio, "Under the Bridge" over and over. But I had never heard these two songs before, from two different albums spanning the 90s. And I think this was the band that genuinely got me interested in music. Sounds crazy, right? Red Hot Chili Peppers? Not exactly the most highbrow or intellectual of groups, or even necessarily creative. But something about them just clicked with me, and I knew I had to listen to both Blood Sugar and Californication right away. They both slap to this day, as does their double album Stadium Arcadium. As does pretty much everything they've released. Even their oft-forgotten One Hot Minute I think is massively underrated. They just hit a certain vibe with me, one that is carefree and coasting. I feel like I'm sailing down a California highway whenever I listen to them, and I've never even been to Cali!
Some things are just not fully explainable in words. The Red Hot Chili Peppers being my #1 is not going to win me any Pulitzers or notoriety. But it's my choice. And I can simply say that I have not yet found a Chili Peppers song that doesn't instantly improve my mood. Not one. I really got into them once I entered my teens, and they've pretty much been my favourite band since then. So it only stands to reason that they still hold that spot in my heart today. Disagree? I'd love to see your list and compare. But the Chili Peppers stay put at the top of mine. I was fortunate enough to see them in concert a few years back, and I hope to be fortunate enough to do it again someday. That's my list, peace out.
Best Song: Nope. Sorry. Can't do it. Tell ya what. You think of YOUR favourite Red Hot Chili Peppers song, and that is my favourite Chili Peppers song. Peace.
THANK YOU EVERYONE, THIS BIG DUMB PROJECT IS OFFICIALLY OVER. I could not, and would not have kept going without your continued encouragement and support, and I'm happy that it has finally concluded triumphantly. Much love to you all, and remember, fuck Paul Anka.
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Spoiler20. Stone Temple Pilots
I don't claim to buck trends or anything - just look at the rest of my list for examples - but Stone Temple Pilots over the likes of Soundgarden, Nirvana, and Alice in Chains - not to mention in the Top 20 - must be considered some kind of a hot take, right? Well, it's my list, and this is how I genuinely feel. Despite the very real angst Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley portray in their music, and Chris Cornell's absolutely dynamite voice, it is Stone Temple Pilots that win the day over for me. And again, it all comes down to that versatility. Stone Temple Pilots have made a lot of songs uncommon to the grunge genre and have outlasted their peers by managing to stay relevant into the 2000s. They have two distinct eras, in my view: pre- and post-Tiny Music. A lot of it has to do with how Scott Weiland has changed his voice and persona to match the changing times of rock music. Before, he sounds just as dirgey and grungy as any of his peers. But Tiny Music brings forth a new side of the band where they're allowed to have a little fun and play around with the grunge sound. And to be clear, I love both sides of this band. If I hated one side, they would not have made it this high. But it's exactly that versatility and adaptability that elevate them above their peers for me. They weren't afraid to try new sounds and it paid off marvellously for them, and yet they still manage to hold their own among the grunge greats when it comes to classic tunes. Core and Purple are such classic grunge albums and unfairly get overlooked in the face of Nirvana or Pearl Jam. I think it's finally time Stone Temple Pilots get their due, and I'm here to give it to 'em.
Best Song: "Sex Type Thing"
Spoiler19. Goo Goo Dolls
…All right. So hopefully we've reached the last part of my list where one of my picks is a flat-out embarrassment. Your mileage may vary. Nah, but putting Goo Goo Dolls on this list at all, never mind #19, is just a recipe for disaster when it comes to my credibility. Not that I've ever really cared about that, so let's go!
To be honest, I never understood the lumping in of Goo Goo Dolls with your standard boring adult alternative bands of the mid-to-late 90s. Well, I understand it, but I don't agree with it. A big hit like "Iris" does a lot for your reputation, I understand, although for the record I absolutely love that song. But I think we gotta turn the curtain back a little and look at where the Goo Goo Dolls came form. Namely, the start of their career as the Sex Maggots. No, I'm not joking.
These guys started out as a punk band. The "Iris" guys. No kidding. And you thought Green Day sold out. Eventually, Johnny Rzeznik became too much of a pretty boy to stay in that scene very long, and they developed into a more palatable band with only a slightly more palatable name. I really sound like I'm bashing these guys left and right, but to be clear, I think they tread the line between their old selves and their newer ambitions extremely well. Most of the time a compromise just makes no one happy, but the marriage between punk rock Sex Maggots and non-threatening dreamboats Goo Goo Dolls worked. I think it's because they weren't afraid to get a little sappy amidst the crunchy guitars, but also weren't afraid to let Robby Takac, who has a much less pretty voice, sing on some of the B-sides. Again, I recognize some, or a lot, of this may be from my parents' influence - my mom's a huge Goo Goo Dolls fan and we both saw them live in concert. But if they didn't hold up for me today, they would not be on this list at all. And they do, because I still think they rock. Now stop me before I put The Wallflowers at #17 or something.
Best Song: "I'm Awake Now"
Spoiler18. Linkin Park
Man, talk about not getting your flowers while you can still smell 'em. Chester Bennington's death is obviously a tragedy, and it forces the conversation of thinking about what we really say about these stars and celebrities, remembering that at the end of the day, they are people too. Now, I'm not saying Chester's death was due to bad fan reactions from recent albums; that's ridiculous and no one deserves that guilt for saying they didn't like "Heavy". But listening to the album, and indeed Linkin Park's overall sound in general, you can really feel the pain Chester Bennington was going through his whole life. It's heartbreaking, and it also speaks to how great of an artist he was to be able to express that pain so thoroughly and evocatively in his music.
Linkin Park get pigeonholed way the fuck too much as just an "angry white boy band". Guilty as charged. But you look back on their work and it's a marvel of thoughtful songwriting and masterful performances. I've gushed about Chester Bennington enough, but it can't be forgotten how much Mike Shinoda brings to the group. He serves as an excellent counterpart to Chester's wailing; consistently tight, menacing flows that help to ground the songs he's on. They are so much better than I think they're remembered, and deserve so much more of a legacy than they've gotten. I hope to see them in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame someday; I sincerely think they deserve it. They were the voice of a lost, disillusioned generation, and helped a lot of people, including me, through some tough times. Let's give them that credit they deserve for being such a dependable and even innovative band.
Best Song: "In The End"
Spoiler17. Hole
Hole is the best grunge band. Hole is the best parts of Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, and Stone Temple Pilots, with the most hard-hitting and versatile discography of them all. Live Through This is an eternally great album, and Celebrity Skin's pivot is one that veers even further and works even better than STP. Their debut also crushes as raw, snotty grunge music that Cobain could only dream of matching. You can chalk up their relative lack of legacy today to general misogyny and ridiculous rumours surrounding Love and Cobain, which I'm not even going to dignify here.
We so desperately need more female voices in rock music. There's a perspective that you just can't get from bands like Nirvana that you can with Hole. There's a certain pathos that just comes with existing as a woman in a male-dominated society and genre, and Courtney Love consistently leans into that with such success in her own way. She's such an infectious personality as a frontwoman; her energy carries the sound of the band to levels of excellence.
There was a meme floating around Twitter a few years ago that went along the lines of Female Artist could do Male Artist's Song, but Male Artist couldn't do Female Artist's Song. It was to make a point about the versatility of female musicians and them generally being overlooked, and clearly some of them were over-the-top jokes but a lot of them had legs. And one I always think of is this: Courtney Love could do Smells Like Teen Spirit, but Kurt Cobain probably didn't have a Malibu in him. And that's okay! I don't think I would necessarily want to hear a Malibu from Nirvana, particularly when Hole already does it so well. Because at the end of the day, it's unfair to even speak of Hole in comparison to other bands. Hole is their own wonderful entity with tons of iconic songs, and they can make a name for themselves without any comparisons necessary.
Best Song: "Violet"
Spoiler16. Smashing Pumpkins
Smashing Pumpkins are a sneaky beautiful band. They have a great handle on songwriting and crafting melodies in just the right way to capture a mood, whatever it takes. They're like Queen in a sense, if Queen was angstier and more industrial-sounding. They can't really be bound by genre, particularly on their magnum opus, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. It feels like Smashing Pumpkins just sit on another level of rock music, being wildly ahead of their time and certainly influential to those who wanted to experiment more in the 2000s and beyond. A band with Billy Corgan as its singer should not sound as gorgeous as they do on songs like "Tonight, Tonight". But they do, and they are unparalleled to this day. Nothing really sounds like them, and they managed to be a mainstay in the minds of a disillusioned 90s generation. Shame Billy Corgan turned out to be a dick, but that can't take away from my fond memories of this band.
Best Song: "Cherub Rock"
Spoiler15. The Weeknd
Everyone, say hello to the Michael Jackson of this generation. Musically. Yeah, I've been completely won over by The Weeknd at this point. It's amazing, he just keeps topping himself with every new release and new singles. He feels like the next Michael Jackson not only in sound and talent, but also in longevity. I have a feeling he'll be able to be a star for a long time to come. He just has that staying power and pop knowledge to make him an instant classic of a performer, not to mention the meme potential. You all saw that Super Bowl performance too, right? Yeah, The Weeknd is not only a great musician and immense talent, but a fun personality as well. It warms my heart that talented artists from Canada can still make it big like The Weeknd has. Sometimes I even forget he's Canadian; I just assume anyone with that level of fame not named Drake or Bieber is American. Again, shouldn't matter, but you take what you can get. And The Weeknd is a pretty damn great ambassador for this country.
Best Song: "Starboy" (ft. Daft Punk (RIP))
Spoiler14. The Cars
The Cars are a perfect rock band. I don't mind them coming here and wasting all my time. A wonderful example of power pop and new wave harmonizing together to make the catchiest rock music of the late 70s. Benjamin Orr is truly one of the most underrated singers out there, and Ric Ocasek provides exactly the weird counterpart that the group needs. Not a single miss with this band, amazing. What more can I say? Go listen to their debut again.
Best Song: "You're All I've Got Tonight"
Spoiler13. Lorde
I don't think any artist has made such an impression on me with only two albums as Lorde has. She is an incredible pop star. Her songs are so evocative and emotional, and more than a few of them bring me to genuine tears when I listen. It is so wonderful to have music to move me in this way, and remarkable that it comes from someone so young. Lorde speaks with an undercurrent of both aged wisdom and reckless young immaturity. Her two albums are both perfect, running the gamut of emotions and vibes and parties. Every song, it feels like you're right there in the moment. They paint such vivid pictures of what it's like to be the voice in the song. I don't know when that third album is coming, but I cannot wait for the next chapter. It's been so sweet thus far.
Best Song: "Ribs"
Spoiler12. David Bowie
The most famous chameleon of music, David Bowie has seen, heard, and done it all. He is an absolute delight with any costume he tries on, which earns him his reputation. It's not as though he's trend-hopping, more so that he's able to keep up in his own way by adapting to the times and releasing whatever David Bowie music sounds like at that time. Part of that is due to his ethereal nature of always being a little offbeat from everyone else. There's certainly a lot of artists inspired by David Bowie, but few to really match him. He stands alone as a beacon of brilliant songwriting, melody, and showmanship. David Bowie is so effortlessly cool, whatever he does. No skips in his catalog, and a great inspiration for countless artists to come. So many artists on this list alone… they likely owe a huge debt to Bowie. It really feels like Bowie just… is music. Few artists feel like the definition of music as much as Bowie does. It's like he re-wrote the book for everyone. Fantastic artist, can't praise enough. Always a delight.
Best Song: "Ashes to Ashes"
Spoiler11. Our Lady Peace
Once upon a time, Little Wumbo was just beginning to understand different kinds of music for himself and responding to what got played on the radio. Around his Grade 7-8 years, he really latched on to this bitter, cacophonous Canadian alt rock band called Our Lady Peace, and bought all of their albums. He was so enamored that when an assignment in Grade 8 required him to write a letter to an actual, real life celebrity or band, he chose Our Lady Peace as his letter recipient and wrote a ridiculously gushy letter praising each and every band member. Of course, due to incorrect postage, the band never received that letter. So let this be a lesson to you all: throw out all your stamps to avoid severe embarrassment.
ANYWAY. Yeah, Our Lady Peace are a very, very important band to me. I'd say they were probably my most formative band as a kid and teenager. I would first hear them on radio constantly thanks to CanCon rules, and all their angsty, loud, raucous music really appealed to me. But more than that, the dark, despairing lyrics spoke to me. I guess if there was a reason I latched onto the post-grunge sound of rock music in the 90s and 2000s, Our Lady Peace was it. They're like a Canadian Live, but less esoteric and more impactful with their lyrics. They were still a deranged group, don't get me wrong, particularly in their early days. But they struck a chord with me at an early age and have remained with me since, even through their mellowed-out phases through the late 2000s. This band probably isn't for everyone, but that's the beauty of lists like these. Everyone has their own story behind their favourite artists and bands, and my story makes sense to me.
I still blast any of their first five albums whenever I get a chance, and the emotions still hit me in the gut all these years later. I could have certainly done worse when picking a formative band. Sometimes you need music to kick you into a pit of despair and derangement to feel something. And sometimes you need that same music to provide messages of hope, which OLP has plenty of among the chaos. and sometimes you just need it to rock. Which it does. God, I love this band. Amazed they didn't crack my Top 10. But that… will have to wait one more week.
Best Song: Seriously? Not a chance. I'll give a shortlist of "Clumsy", "Superman's Dead", "Naveed", "Julia", "Carnival", "Big Dumb Rocket", "Is Anybody Home", "Life", "Automatic Flowers", "Thief", "Middle of Yesterday"- I am being told that my shortlist is too long and just pick a damn song already. Fine. "Clumsy" it is.
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Spoiler30. Queen
I don't need to explain to you why I like Queen. If you need an explanation for why someone likes Queen, you're already beyond help. No one can guide you to the magical powers of Freddie Mercury and his band. It's nigh impossible.
…But, because this is a write-up about Queen, I suppose I'll do my best. Queen are simply an exhilarating band; their songs are always full of such power and might. They really put their all into whatever they're doing, whether it's rockabilly, power ballads, or a mini-rock opera. And of course, it all stems from Freddie Mercury. What a powerhouse of a lead vocalist and what a frontman presence. He might be the best-known frontman of all time, and for good reason. He simply commands your attention. That's not to discount the rest of the band's efforts, they are really good at genre-hopping and mixing, and it always sounds authentic. But let's be real here. Freddie Mercury simply is the band. He is an eternal superstar showman, and he is the reason this band places so high. What a masterful singer and performer, and a pretty damn good group to back him up.
Best Song: I know the one answer I'm not supposed to say is "Bohemian Rhapsody", but let's be real, it's fucking "Bohemian Rhapsody".
Spoiler29. Foo Fighters
Man, Foo Fighters are simply THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST- alright, fine, I'll write some more. You'd think after 70 of these entries, I could cut myself some slack, but nope! As the list goes on, it gets even more important to justify why these artists have ranked so high. So here goes.
One thing I really admire about the Foo Fighters is their consistency. They always seem to have songs under their belt that not only work on their own, but work within the time that they're released. They feel timeless and of their time, at the same time. A lot of the reason many Foo Fighters songs work is because of Dave Grohl. He just has such a powerful voice ready to scream at any given opportunity, but can also be restrained enough to mellow out if needed. Dave Grohl really does come off as a master musician throughout his storied career. First drummer for Nirvana, then lead singer of his own band along with part-time drummer for many other rock bands along the way. I wonder how different the rock landscape would look without Dave Grohl's influence. He was drummer for one of the most influential bands of all time, and went on to have his hand in many a band through the 2000s, not just the Foo Fighters. But I think Foo Fighters is where he does his best work. There's just such a chemistry and consistency there that make them a comforting band to listen to, even amongst all the screaming. Dave Grohl was a familiar presence through my childhood, and I have no doubts he and his rock band will continue rockin' for years to come.
Best Song: "DOA"
Spoiler28. Jay-Z
Hov! Jay-Z is simply the epitome of cool in rap music, even outmatching Snoop Dogg, who, let's face it, has become a bit of a punchline in recent years. Not Jay-Z, though. He's been working hard for the better part of two decades now, trying to maintain relevance in an ever-changing rap landscape. He does this by consistently being good at what he does. There's something familiar about a Jay-Z song, and yet he's also tried to change things up a little to stand out from the crowd. That 4:44 album released a few years ago is still a masterpiece in my view. The thing with Jay-Z is that it's so admirable that he continues to try when he really doesn't have to. I'd say most people would still know who he is if he stopped releasing music in 2010. But he kept on pushing himself to greater heights and working hard to maintain his relevance without question. It is simply impossible to overstate the amount of good music Jay-Z has left us with over the course of 20 years. And I have a feeling he's not done yet. Whether the topic is massive opulence, massive regret, or both, Jay-Z nails it nearly every time.
Best Song: "The Story of O.J."
Spoiler27. Guns N' Roses
I feel like no one really sticks up for Guns N' Roses. It might be because they've taken this awkward middle ground between hard rock and hair metal. It might be due to their prolonged hiatus only to come back with a supremely lackluster album in 2008. Or it might be that Axl Rose is kind of a dick. But whatever the case, I think that Guns N' Roses deserve to get the roses while they can still smell 'em. They're a lot more interesting of a band than you might think, and a lot of it has to do with Axl Rose's creative songwriting. Especially on the Use Your Illusion albums, it feels like you're taking a descent into madness when you listen to Guns N' Roses. The grimy sort of madness that can only be truly felt if you're an incredibly lucrative rock star with no idea what the hell to do with yourself. Seriously, some of the stuff gets so dark you'd swear you were listening to an alternate universe version of Nirvana. What really elevates Guns N' Roses, though, is Slash. He's another distinctive guitarist who you can tell from just a note or two. So many memorable riffs and moments, and it's no wonder so many people want him on their songs. But the two work best together. Axl Rose without Slash is ungrounded and overly pretentious, and Slash without Axl is, let's face it, creatively bankrupt. Not Slash himself, really, but, like, does anyone remember Myles Kennedy? Exactly my point. Guns N' Roses at their peak were seriously some of the finest and most interesting rock music you could find in the mainstream. I stand by that.
Best Song: "You Could Be Mine"
Spoiler26. Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson was likely a very disturbed person who had severe boundary issues. He is not someone to be looked up to as a person. But the music scene would likely be very different were Michael Jackson not a part of it. He doesn't wear the "King of Pop" moniker for no reason. His career spanning an impressive four decades (five if we're being generous) wasn't by accident. Even as a child, he was a musical legend, and he only got more influential and famous as he progressed through the 80s. There's so much interest and intrigue to his brand of pop star; the one not afraid to be a little creepy and unnerving, the one not afraid to star in his own mini-horror film. Again, hindsight states that more than a bit of this is harder to look at. But it's still fascinating to view in a vacuum.
I suppose now's as good a time as any to trot out the whole "separate the art from the artist" thing. I don't think anyone really has a good grasp on how they feel about this, even if they claim to. I certainly don't. For me, the best way I can describe it is that it's a case-by-case basis on whether I choose to uphold or ignore this principle. And it's not an easy decision to make, with any artists I really like. I mean, look through this list. It's full of assholes who did bad things. Axl Rose, John Lennon, 2Pac, James Brown, Gene fucking Simmons. And don't get me started on Noodle from Gorillaz. Little shit knows what she did. It's not like I'm blind to these issues. But if I were to go through and take out every artist who did a bad thing, I would be left with a pretty empty music catalogue. And you probably would too. So a little bit of cognitive dissonance is needed to stop me from going insane. Was Michael Jackson a bad person? Maybe, yes. But his music simply holds too much of a good history with me to let go completely. And he was a superstar that cannot just be left out of music history. He was a showman, a personality, and a talent to the highest degree. And maybe respect or admire isn't the word, but I do have to marvel at the legend that is Michael Jackson, the musician. And I wish I didn't have to spend so much time on the other thing, but it's basically woven into music discourse at this point. So here we are. Michael Jackson - Great musician, probably wouldn’t have invited him in for tea. That goes for a lot of this list and many others, but it is what it is.
Best Song: "Dirty Diana"
Top 25
Spoiler25. Led Zeppelin
Anyway, it feels good to get back to just talking about music thieves on this list! Yeah, Led Zeppelin are notorious for lifting ideas from musicians in the past. But this never bothered me as much as it probably should, because all music comes from somewhere at the end of the day. And Led Zeppelin just happened to be the band that broke into the mainstream, being pretty great musicians in their own right. They're definitely the quintessential dad-rock band; you won't find many 50 year old+ men who aren't familiar with Led Zeppelin. There's just something with the amount of complexity they put into their songs without ever coming off as pretentious. John Bonham and John Paul Jones may be the greatest rhythm section in rock this side of Rush. So many classics in their catalog - I dare say I grew up knowing more Zeppelin songs than Beatles. Again, dad-rock radio staple. But there's a reason for that; their songs have legitimate bite and menace to them. A lot of this comes from Robert Plant's howling vocals. He may be an acquired taste, but once you have it's captivating. And unlike a lot of classic rock bands that have cooled on me, I still have great appreciation for Led Zeppelin. They have a real head of the class feel, the cream of the crop, what all great rock musicians in the 70s should aspire to be. The personality, the showmanship, the talent, the intrigue, the… well, maybe not creativity. But damn, what a great band.
Best Song: "Heartbreaker" (that's twice now from two different artists; clearly if you want to impress me, a good foot in the door is simply naming your song "Heartbreaker")
Honourable mention to "Whole Lotta Love"
Spoiler24. Earth, Wind & Fire
Earth, Wind & Fire are the embodiment of joy and happiness. They are such a breath of fresh air whenever I listen to them, like taking a huge weight off your shoulders every day. They are so glittery and shimmering, making for a fun experience listening to them every time. The kind of band that always makes you want to get up and dance, even if it happens to be like this.
But that's the beauty of Earth, Wind & Fire. They're the dance band for everyone, even those who can't dance. It doesn't matter how poor your skills are, simply join in on the fun because Maurice White and Philip Bailey are more than happy to let you join the party. The world needs more expressions of pure euphoria and delight like Earth, Wind & Fire give us every time.
Best Song: "Shining Star"
Spoiler23. Eminem
Oh, Eminem. What happened to you, man? It's hard to think of a rapper in recent memory with a rockier track record than Eminem. But he ranks so high on this list because when he is at his peak, it is simply unmatchable. He blows the competition away with his incredible flow, lyricism, and song-crafting. It's not always pleasant to listen to - in fact, it rarely is. Basically the polar opposite of Earth, Wind & Fire here. But what you get from Eminem at his best is a fascinating character study into this lower-class white boy from Detroit. Eminem paints such intriguing pictures in his lyrics and his rhymes are so clever they suck you right in. He really is a technically perfect rapper, but that only works when he has the pathos to back it up, like he does on his earlier work. That talent, mixed with that creativity and angst, makes for artistry that is simply not to be ignored. Unfortunately, he got old and started to suck after that. But peak Eminem? God, it's a trip.
Best Song: "The Way I Am"
Spoiler22. Tom Petty (& The Heartbreakers)
Tom Petty is a nice tall glass of iced tea on a hot summer's day. The perfect chillaxin' music. Music straight from the heartland, from one of the coolest cats ever to grace rock n' roll with his presence. It's impossible to state just how catchy, memorable, and timeless every Tom Petty classic is. He has such a way with melodies that stick in your brain and resonate so long after you hear them. I've really come around to John Mellencamp, but he was never going to compare to Petty. There's a certain energy to Petty's songs that keep me coming back; whether on his rougher tracks or his more sunshiny ones, he has that "X factor" in his music that makes it a joy to listen to every time. Whether with his backing band The Heartbreakers or without. Tom Petty was a tremendous loss a few years ago. His music will always resonate with me as something to put on while on a summer drive down the highway. The perfect Americana act for this Canadian doofus.
Best Song: "Here Comes My Girl"
Spoiler21. Soundgarden
Chris Cornell.
Okay, fine, I have more to say. But really, can't I sum up my reasoning for placing Soundgarden so high with those two words alone? It wouldn't be a stretch to call Chris Cornell the greatest voice in grunge history. The amount of range and power he has is incredible, and is enough to carry any Soundgarden song. The fascinating thing about him is that he could easily be an opera singer, but his talents are just as wisely used on grunge. His piercing howling is the perfect centerpiece to elevate Soundgarden above their peers. It also helps that Soundgarden started out sounding much more intense than many of their peers. That first album could just as easily be heavy metal as it is grunge. And with a voice like Chris Cornell's, you need heavy music to back it up, and heavy subject matter. Soundgarden have always been a beacon of powerful, shattering emotion, and every one of their albums absolutely crushes. What more can I even say? Fantastic band, absolutely breathtaking… and yet, there are two grunge giants I like even better. And you'll see both of them next time. But that shouldn't take away from Soundgarden's accomplishments at all. What a powerhouse of a band.
Best Song: "Outshined"
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Spoiler40. Beastie Boys
The Beastie Boys are the best example, and the cleanest conclusion, of that early rap from the 80s. The stuff that didn't really need to be about anything, but sounded cool and novel at the time. Beastie Boys took that style and ran with it, creating some of the goofiest and catchiest raps this side of Humpty Hump. The three had such great chemistry, with MCA's rougher, more matured voice contrasting with Mike D and Ad-Rock. They all knew how to have a good time, and showed it in their music. We need artists that don't feel the need to take themselves all that seriously, and instead primarily exist as fun entertainment. The Beastie Boys are a prime example of this, and while some of their songs can sound samey, each one of them is an old school rapper's delight, with some great rock influences mixed in to their best work.
Best Song: "So What'Cha Want"
Spoiler39. Taylor Swift
If there's an artist that has simultaneously been so underrated and yet so popular throughout their career, it might have to be Taylor Swift. She's now garnered critical and commercial acclaim, yet continuously gets underestimated. A good part of this can be chalked up to good ol' sexism, which seems to be a pervasive problem particularly for Taylor Swift. No joke, I've never seen an artist get so much unnecessary shit thrown at them as her before. She.. writes music about ex boyfriends?! That harlot! Meanwhile, you get the eleventy thousandth shitty breakup song written by a dude and no one cares.
Go back to those songs. Those songs are incredibly well-written and evocative, particularly from an artist as young as Taylor. Taylor is a master of detail; she feels like a perfectionist writer, making sure that every line evokes exactly the right feeling. Sometimes this can lead to overwritten lines, but most of the time it creates a very specific picture that tugs at the heartstrings and has you singing along. Taylor Swift has basically been the perfect pop star for over a decade now, even when she was technically country. She's smart enough to write genuinely emotionally affecting songs, and pop-savvy enough to sell them. And even today, she deserves a lot more credit than she gets.
Best Song: "Style"
Spoiler38. R.E.M.
R.E.M. is the first band that comes to mind when I think of "alternative rock", which is such a vague nothing of a term that really no band should come to mind when thinking of it. But if there's one band that exemplifies both terms to a T, it's R.E.M. Even when they got big, it felt as though they were bucking trends of rock music rather than succumbing to them. Right around the mid-90s when we were getting a glut of Pearl Jam and STP wannabes, R.E.M. was still doing their own thing, making the music they wanted to make. I love Michael Stipe's voice; it's so hauntingly unhinged and perfect for this quirky group. What really amazes me about R.E.M. is their ability to be so offbeat and yet run the gamut of emotions that everyone should be able to relate to. It's not every band that can make a schmaltzy song like "Everybody Hurts" and yet still retain all their credibility. R.E.M. just follow their muse wherever it takes 'em (or E.M.), and I am here for it every step of the way.
Best Song: "The One I Love"
Spoiler37. Barenaked Ladies
And speaking of bands following their own muse, I've always admired Barenaked Ladies for the way they toe the line between being a goofball band and being earnest and heartfelt. It's not an easy line to thread, but there's something about the makeup of the band that make both faces of it so easy to recognize and appreciate. A lot of the heavy lifting comes in Steven Page's voice, and you can really tell this after he left the band. He was the heart and soul of the group, and I don't know if many of the songs would have been as effective without him. Of course, I don't want to discount Ed Robertson either, who served as a worthy counterpart to Steve's voice and kept the band running through its later years. Really, they were most magical when goofing off together, like on their eternal smash hit "If I Had $1000000", an all-time Canadian classic that I hope to God y'all at least have a passing familiarity with. It is the most Canadian song to ever exist, and that includes anything by Stompin' Tom. IT HAS KRAFT DINNER IN IT FOR GOD'S SAKE.
Anyway, again, what I like about this group is their ability to have their cake and eat it too; be a goof while still having enough credibility to be taken seriously as a band, even with that name. They're like the final level of a really great garage band, the type who would let you join right in and jam. They seem like such a fun group of guys, which made the departure of Steven Page all the more disappointing. Still, a legendary Canadian band that should never be swept under the rug.
Best Song: "It's All Been Done"
Spoiler36. Van Halen
This band rocks, man. Their level of debauchery is off the charts, and they are by far the best of many, many, hair metal bands, which makes sense given they were the main inspiration for said bands. Eddie Van Halen was a god on guitar and it absolutely crushed me when he passed away last year. It takes a special kind of guitarist to be instantly recognizable from a single note, and Eddie managed to do it. David Lee Roth is the perfect Van Halen vocalist, and the band needed him just as much as he needed them. Not that I hate the Sammy Hagar era, but at the same time, c'mon. Peak Van Halen is absolutely untouchable, even when the synths started coming in. There's just such a fun energy to this band that makes you want to get up and dance. The harmonies are incredible and soaring. This is the kind of band you want to put on for a thrashing house party or maybe a Satanist ritual. They sort of run the table here with possible uses for hard rock. Absolutely killer, wish I could have seen them live.
Best Song: "Ain't Talkin' Bout Love"
Spoiler35. The Beatles
There is no good place to put The Beatles on a Top 100 list. You are going to piss off someone. If I put 'em too high, it's too obvious. If I put 'em too low, it's contrarian. If I leave them off at all, well, what the hell am I doing? So, in the end, I decided to please no one and place them at #35. Enjoy.
The Beatles are such a weird band to talk about, namely because there's not much more anyone can say. They are the most storied, talked-about band in existence; even now it is nigh impossible to find someone who doesn't at least have passing familiarity with The Beatles. McCartney, Lennon, Harrison, Starr. The three Gospels. I could go into some long diatribe about what makes The Beatles so special, or why they are so celebrated. But even a meta-commentary on the band's fandom is overdone; they are simply an exhausting band to discuss anymore. It's not even clear what level of irony you have to be on to like or dislike them at this point. So, what is there left to say?
Well, I like their variety. I like how, like R.E.M., they were a band unafraid of following their muse. It must have been wild at the time to see The Beatles go from sheepdog dorks singing love songs to tripped-out hippies singing about acid. We all just kind of lump it together now, growing up able to listen to the entire Beatles catalog, but I can't imagine living through it. But all Beatles eras are good in their own way. They can put on a lot of hats - or hairdos, as it were - and sing about a lot of things convincingly. Each of them has an important role to play in the band, and this becomes accentuated when you see their varying solo careers. John the political one, Paul the goofy one, George the spiritual one, and Ringo the drummer. But they all did their best work together, in my view. And now I feel like I've already gone on too long about a band that no one seems to be able to talk about. So I don't know whether to feel triumphant or defeated. Oh well. The Beatles.
Best Song: It seems so reductive to just pick a "best song" for The Beatles, but it's been reductive for at least the past thirty entries now, so why stop? "A Day in the Life", take that, whoever
Spoiler34. Rush
Neil Peart is one of the greatest drummers who ever lived. He is rock n' roll, all on his own. The fact that we lost one of my favourite drummers at the very beginning of 2020 made me brace myself for what was going to be a very tough year. Of course, I wasn't expecting mass chaos or anything, but it wasn’t going to be a good year regardless. Because we just lost an icon of rock music in Canada.
Rush is one of those bands you're at least obligated to like a little as a Canadian. You may not totally buy into their shtick, but it's good to have a Canadian band represent the classic rock scene even down south. And the weirder, more esoteric they got, the more they were able to carve out a unique identity for themselves. I talked about Neil Peart already, but we can't discount Geddy Lee's absolutely unmistakable voice, either, nor Alex Lifeson's puncturing guitar work. They really were one of the best rock n' roll trios Canada had to offer, playing by their own rules and making the music they wanted to make, no matter how weird it got. Admittedly I'm not sure how well the 90s worked out for them, but they managed to rule both the 70s and the 80s with varying styles and sounds, so good for them. There's such passion to the weirdness; they put so much soul into whatever they sang about, whether it's the Manhattan Project or Tom Sawyer. Always a delight, love to have this band as representation of my Canadian roots. Awesome.
Best Song: "Tom Sawyer" (look at that drum set, man)
Spoiler33. No Doubt
Ah, No Doubt. The best example of a ska punk band you could possibly have. It's hard to remember now, but Gwen Stefani was once a credible rock n' roll singer. She had exactly as much sneer as the boys at the time, but also knew how to have fun with it, which kind of influenced the rest of the group's mood. They're just fun to listen to. They have a lighthearted, airy quality about them, but also enough sass to retain credibility as a 90s rock band. Their style is also versatile enough to credibly portray many different emotions - you wouldn't hear a "Don't Speak" coming from most other ska punk bands, for example. A lot of that I feel does have to do with Gwen Stefani, who is the rock that carries the rest of the band. Her voice injects so much personality and life into the band's songs, and she knows how to convey an appropriate mood for each song. Whether that's heartbreak or angst or… whatever this is, she's got it every time. A super fun band that I love to come back to in a good mood, or to put me in a good mood.
Best Song: "Spiderwebs"
Spoiler32. The Rolling Stones
The Rolling Stones are like The Beatles' wastoid older brothers. They feel like if The Beatles did a bit harder drugs and had it influence their music. Not that The Rolling Stones were the hardest thing ever or anything (will.i.am songs notwithstanding), but they had a sneaky level of edge, even for the 60s. I said earlier that The Doors were probably the edgiest mainstream band of the 60s, but The Stones do give them a run for their money at points. They sing about some seriously dark shit and get away with it, I assume because their hooks are so memorable and haunting. People make fun of Mick Jagger and his lack of range as a singer, but I think he works perfectly as the unhinged, deranged frontman of the group singing about devil worship along with honky tonk women. They're definitely not one of the most consistent bands on this list, but when they're on they're on, up there with some of the best rock n' roll has to offer, the seedy underbelly that no doubt inspired many rock bands of the grimy 70s to come.
Best Song: "Gimme Shelter"
Spoiler31. Missy Elliott
Missy Elliott songs make me happy. They are so fun and goofy, yet they carry an edge with them that only Missy Elliott can pull off. She's the kind of lady you can joke around with but would absolutely kick your ass given the opportunity. I debated putting Busta Rhymes on this list too but I decided to go with more personality over more skill. Missy Elliott is like listening to a master improviser at work. You never know where she's going to go next, whether it's her wacky videos or bizarre musical choices. It's like a guessing game where you're always wrong. She always has something up her comically inflated sleeves, and she is a joy to listen to every time. Indeed, it is worth it.
Best Song: "The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)"
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Top 50
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Spoiler50. P!nk
P!nk feels like she should be a more embarrassing artist than she is. On paper, her resume doesn't seem all that impressive. She's an edgy punk girl with questionable forays into black culture who eventually evolved into making the ultimate Mom Music? Yeah, needless to say her career is fraught with half-baked ideas and disappointments. So why rank her on this list at all? Well, for the majority of the 2000s, she just got it. There was a certain edge to her sound that made her more dangerous than Avril Lavigne but still accessible to the modern listener who wants to kick things up a notch. Plus, the woman can fucking sing. Her voice may not be for everyone, but at her peak, she puts full emotion into her vocal range and it just kills every time. I would love to see her live some day; I bet despite her pivot into adult contemporary she would still kill at live shows. So, yeah. Accessible, a little punk, and unabashedly in-your-face and brash for the good part of her career. Fucking great.
Best Song: "Who Knew"
Spoiler49. Weezer
I talked about Bruno Mars being the most flawed artist on this list. I may have to take that back, because we've gotten to Weezer. It honestly surprises me that I've chosen to place Weezer on this list, let alone so high, because I haven't liked their music for years now. I think they've devolved into something completely embarrassing, like a band made up of balding dads going through a mid-life crisis. That "Africa" cover makes me want to tear my ears off. So, why so high?
Well… that first album, man. I can't deny it. It hits all the right notes for me, and might be my favourite album of the entire decade. It feels like a night summer breeze wafting in the garage (which, incidentally, is the title of a song on this album). It's goofy, but not in a way that's completely embarrassing, in a way that's endearing. Weezer used to be really good at balancing their credibility as a band with being a bunch of goofs. They were able to offset their goofiness with a surprising amount of angst. That line has clearly been crossed by this point, but it's one of the things that made them so relatable and enjoyable back in the day.
Sadly, I don't think that Weezer is ever coming back. Maybe, but I doubt it. What I do know is that I can still look at Weezer like I look at The Simpsons, another piece of media that has gone way off the rails into badness in recent years. Remember them for all the good times that they gave me, and their track record before circa 2005 of making dependably good, easygoing rock music that provides enough emotion to hold up on repeated listen.
Best Song: "Undone - The Sweater Song"
Spoiler48. Heart
Ann and Nancy Wilson are a dynamic tandem of sisterhood in rock not yet matched. Also unmatched is Ann Wilson's golden voice which adds so much power to every Heart song. Without Ann, there is no band. They're still quite good individually; that chugging riff on "Barracuda" is one of my go-to kickass guitar rumbles. But Ann is simply a superstar; her voice is so adaptable to any situation the band calls for and runs the gamut of emotions. But you know, just as the band needs Ann, Ann needs the band. I still appreciate her presence on songs like "Almost Paradise", but they were never gonna hold up to a classic Heart song. No chance. Heart is one of those bands that feels like a miracle to have, in a genre that can be as meatheaded as rock, particularly in the 70s, it's nice to have Ann Wilson and Heart provide a breath of fresh air with her piercing vocals coupled with excellent band chemistry and rhythm, and a little crazy as well. Fantastic band, and I don't think they get the proper love and recognition they deserve despite several of their songs as rock staples. It took them until 2013 to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Come the fuck on.
Best Song: "Heartless"
Spoiler47. Pat Benatar
But if we want to talk about female-fronted rock of the 80s, Heart needs to step aside momentarily to make room for Pat Benatar. And I still love 80s Heart, despite the clearly different feel it has. But Pat Benatar feels like the appropriate bridge that Heart could have taken to get to the 80s. She's spunky and playful, while still filling the need for those big power choruses. She's basically the perfect 80s rocker chick, threading the line between hard-hitting songs and radio-friendly pop. There's a surprising level of depth to her as well; her ballads never feel meaningless or frivolous. Part of this comes from the intensity and emotion in the vocals, but part of it also comes from the sharp, evocative songwriting. I've never heard a Pat Benatar song where it sounds like she's singing about nothing, and both writer and performer deserve credit here. Like I said, this feels like the logical next step for Heart to take and still maintain all their rock cred. That didn't happen, but at least we got Pat Benatar to substitute and, honestly, probably pull off the role better.
Best Song: "Heartbreaker"
Spoiler46. INXS
In an era of overproduced cheese, INXS took a slicker approach and became one of the sexiest bands of the 80s. A lot of it comes from Michael Hutchence's captivating vocal performances, but there's also something about that somehow Aussie-sounding guitar that really gets the heart pumping. INXS feel like the very best conclusion of new wave fully embracing pop. You get to keep the slick production while appealing to the masses with good times and sizzling heat. It feels like the perfect music to listen to with sunglasses on. Lots of 80s music feels dated, and this does too to some extent, but I still feel a rush of joy listening to INXS, and they remain one of the best examples of pop rock in this time. Never a miss in their catalog. Supreme stuff.
Best Song: "Need You Tonight"
Spoiler45. John Cougar Mellencamp
Of all the artists on this list, this one surprises me the most. John Cougar Mellencamp, or JCM as I should call him with no immediate comparisons coming to mind, is a real oddball entering into this list. He never really struck me on the surface as anyone remarkable; kind of a middle ground between Bruce Springsteen and Tom Petty when looking at artists of Americana. But the more I listen to Mellencamp's stuff, the more I really appreciate it. That middle ground is really something to hold precious and dear; he pulls off his role extremely well. He's got just the right type of voice to pull off the various topics he sings about, whether it's suckin' on a chili dog outside the Tastee Freez or discriminatory urban development plaguing Black Americans to this day. That's not a range everyone can pull off, but Mellencamp is talented enough that he can tackle both with ease. He's really a lot more soulful and thoughtful of a singer than people give him credit for, likely because of artists like Springsteen hogging the limelight. And I like Springsteen fine, but the grandiosity of his big hits gets to be a little much at times for me. Mellencamp consistently plays it cool, and that's what I love about his music. There's very little theatrics; he seems very true to himself and what he writes about. It's that authenticity, particularly in an era of glitz and glamour, that really sticks out to me; I don't think you could ever accuse Mellencamp of "selling out". A dependable artist that has a lot more great music than I initially recognized. Glad I'm able to rectify that now.
Best Song: "Rain on the Scarecrow"
Spoiler44. 2Pac
In my best songs list I mentioned how Biggie won the battle against 2Pac. Well, 2Pac wins the war. And I feel kinda bad about using such terms where literally both guys died in violent shootouts. But such were the dangerous times of the 90s rap scene. And while Biggie is a more dependable rapper, 2Pac is definitely more versatile and exciting. There's a certain level of unhinged terror that comes through in his music, yet he is also capable of making uplifting and braggadocious songs too. Feels like the gangsta rapper that dipped his toes into everything and nearly always came out successful. That speaks to his powerful, husky voice being able to communicate a wide range of emotions. One minute he can sound like your dad, the next a violent criminal, the next a partying playboy, the next vulnerable and unsure. He runs the gamut, and is truly a talent we lost way too soon. I would have loved to see how both he and Biggie adapted to the changing sounds of rap by the 2000s. It's a curse we will never get to know, but a blessing that we had both these exceptional talents to write the book of 90s gangsta rap.
Best Song: "Hit 'Em Up" (ft. Outlawz) - with apologies to, well, Biggie
Spoiler43. Matchbox Twenty
I want to reiterate here that this is an honest list, and if I'm going to be completely honest, then some of the picks here are going to be incredibly dweeby. This is one of them, and there's at least one more to come. So, Matchbox Twenty! The favourite band of no one, right? The milquetoast, middle-of-the-road band that never amounts to anything above a low growl? Well, hold on a second.
Not every band has to be loud and raucous to be emotionally affective. It's true that you could likely to go a Matchbox Twenty concert without your ears ringing when you get home. But I think their reputation of blandness is vastly overstated. It's adult alternative music, you either like it or you don't. And if you dig a little deeper, you'll find a lot to like about Matchbox Twenty. Rob Thomas is a severely underrated vocalist; he has just as much angst and emotion in his voice as any grunge singer, but with better enunciation and more poise. He can hold his own in a sneering contest, which is half the battle of a 90s rock band. Seriously, though, Matchbox Twenty have simply been a solid, dependable act with tons of great songs that tend to get overlooked due to incomplete perceptions of the band. Or maybe you just need a better stomach for mid-90s alt rock. Your mileage may vary, but I still encourage you to revisit this band if you haven't. You might just discover a song that sticks with you, or three.
Best Song: "Long Day"
Spoiler42. Billie Eilish
The newest pick on this list, Billie Eilish wasted no time breaking through in late 2018-2019 and becoming the next household name of pop. I love that pop music is so much weirder now; it makes for a much more interesting listening experience combing the Hot 100. Billie Eilish feels like the ringleader of a whole new era of pop music that really isn't afraid to pull back the curtain on the truth about teenagers: namely, that they're fucking terrifying. This kooky girl has so many interesting ideas that would have seemed taboo to the pop world even five or six years ago, but she manages to win over the public simply by being the dynamic and likeable personality that pop music wants people to be, just in her own way. The creepiness of her singles is the point, and it's wonderful that we live in a time now where songs like "bury a friend" can become hits.
You could likely credit certain artists with paving the way for Billie, but she feels like a very well deserved end result as well. A little more unhinged than most artists we've seen break through. But Billie Eilish doesn't operate on shock value alone. Her songs can also have a surprising pathos to them; she has a very versatile voice that works to be emotionally affecting and mood-capturing for all her music. Moody. That's a good word to describe her music on the whole. Sad, twisted, creepy, euphoric, dreamlike. Moody. This girl is an absolute superstar, and she's only going up from here. If she doesn't burn out from exhaustion and stardom, that is. Maybe 2020 represented a much-needed break for artists in some respects. What I'm saying is Billie is allowed to pace herself, because she's given us so much already.
Best Song: "xanny"
Spoiler41. The Killers
What you need to understand about me is that for me at one point "Somebody Told Me" was just the coolest thing in the universe and The Killers were the most awesome band who ever lived. And by "one point" I mean "from when I heard the song until now". But seriously, what can I even say about The Killers? They just rule, man, particularly that first album which is the peak of 2000s rock to me. Every track perfection. But The Killers have remained in the conversation for years, still, well, killing it with each new hit they release. I don't think they've ever matched the sheer exhilaration I felt with Hot Fuss, but I appreciate them for constantly experimenting and never staying stagnant, shifting with the times to find a sound that is authentically them no matter the era. Brandon Flowers is a killer vocalist that anchors the killer guitars and rhythms. The Killers have basically killed my ability to write in anything other than lame puns. Killer.
Best Song: Can I just nominate the entire Hot Fuss album? No? Fine, you've twisted my arm - "Jenny Was a Friend of Mine"
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Spoiler60. Outkast
Outkast is what every great hip hop act should aspire to be. Fresh, exciting, innovative, thought-provoking, and eclectic. It's hard to think of a duo in recent memory that inspires so much creativity. André 3000 and Big Boi are magic together; complementing each other on every track they collaborate on. It's no secret that one has eclipsed the other in fame, but let's not forget that they're a partnership for a reason. The player and the poet. They're able to span such vast avenues of hip hop together through their differing styles coming together in electric ways. Never a dull moment with this group.
Best Song: "Ms. Jackson"
Spoiler59. The Police
And speaking of duos, let's talk about a trio of talented musicians. That made no sense. Anyway, The Police are certainly one of the more interesting bands of the late 70s. It's hard to pin 'em down; they sound so drastically different from everything else around them. It's like they toe the line between accessible arena rock and edgy new wave. Right in between Genesis and Talking Heads. It looks well on them, coupled with songs that are continually pushed up right to the edge of depravity. Seriously, most of The Police's songs sound deranged when you listen to the lyrics. I don't know what people were smoking to get "Every Breath You Take" as a wedding staple, horrifying even Sting. But a simple stalker anthem like that really only scratches the surface of this band's capabilities to be sneaky creepy. Look at the despondent narrator of "Can't Stand Losing You", or the very nature of their songs to repeat sticky phrases over and over until it sounds downright kooky. Someone belting "so lonely" over and over can't be quite right. But that's what I love about The Police; their ability to be completely off-the-wall deranged in their subject matter while still maintaining enough pop sensibilities to be completely accessible to the everyday listener. It's the best of both worlds.
Best Song: "Message in a Bottle"
Spoiler58. The Doors
To me, The Doors simply are the 60s. Specifically, the drugged-out, dangerously psychedelic version of the 60s. You can keep all your hippy-dippy crap. The 60s is about death and destruction to me. And that's exactly what Jim Morrison's deranged growling and wailing sounds like to me. You don't really hear about The Doors that often when considering highly influential bands, but it's hard to think of a band that was more popular and contributed more to the edginess of rock to come. Maybe The Rolling Stones, but even they never sounded as consistently depraved as these guys did. Music that sounds this downbeat and depressing getting a shot at the Hot 100 alongside wearing flowers in your hair really speaks to the different levels of music listening people had in the 60s. Myself, I'll take The Doors any day of the week. Music to listen to when you've just stopped giving a fuck.
Best Song: "The End"
Spoiler57. Ariana Grande
Wow! Okay, that got a little depressing. What say we liven things up with some good old-fashioned pop music? It really does seem like Ariana Grande is the last pop star of the 2010s. Pop has gone in radically new directions, and Ariana has certainly changed her direction has well, but there's no denying that no matter what era, everything about her screams star. Even from her early years, she had an electric voice comparable with Mariah Carey and a dynamite personality. She oozes charisma, even when her songs are decidedly anti-charismatic. She's one of the last traditional pop stars of last decade because her personality and charisma have made her so appealing. And I guess I'm beating around the bush here with all these buzzwords, so let me just say she's super hot. What? I survived almost half the list without being a horndog, I get at least one shot here. Plus, it translates well into her music. Confidence is sexy, and nowhere does Ariana ever sound unsure of herself. Insecure sometimes, yes, but always purposefully. She's a fascinating performer and artist, and even though I'm not too keen on her latest album, I am still excited to see where she goes.
Best Song: "Into You"
Spoiler56. TLC
TLC are my favourite R&B group of the 90s, and it's not close. Something about them always felt so real and raw, particularly when they came into their own on CrazySexyCool. It helps that they have a legit rapper on their side too, rather than a guy who just talks in smooth bass tones like Boyz II Men. Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes is clearly the breakout star of the group, with her quirky flow and personality stealing the show nearly every time she's on the mic. But I can't discount the smooth, syrupy tones of T-Boz and Chilli's voices either. Each of them need each other, and they work best as a trio. They really do function as this unique, distinctive group that is unmatched by others when they're firing on all cylinders. Whether it's social commentary or love jams, TLC manage to knock it out of the park every time with their mature yet creative takes. A real gem of a group.
Best Song: "No Scrubs"
Spoiler55. The Notorious B.I.G.
With Biggie, you pretty much always know what you're gonna get. But when what you get is as good as a Biggie song, well, you don't really mind either way. Biggie is simply one of the most consistently great rappers of the 90s. There's not a song of his where I thought he seriously missed the mark. He knew his strengths, and performed to the top of them every time. He had a certain edge to him, but his flow always stayed on level and conveyed appropriate menace and bravado. It's difficult to believe he had his career and died so young, because he sounds so seasoned you'd think he'd been underground for years. That just speaks to his consistency and competence on the mic, never missing a beat. Maybe he's not the most exciting or diverse rapper, but he doesn't need to be. His aura of coolness, prestige, and badassery wins me over every time. It's almost enough to forgive Puff Daddy for being a thing.
Best Song: "Juicy"
Spoiler54. Nirvana
Another lowballed highly famous act. I mentioned six big grunge acts on this list, and, well, here's the fourth-place finisher. And I love Nirvana. I think they're one of the most interesting and important bands of the 90s. But all the same, there are some who I think do Nirvana's thing better. But you won't see them for a while yet, so let's talk about the hair metal murderers themselves.
Nirvana tapped into something that got out into the mainstream and teenage kids ate up like candy. Nevermind is simply one of the most important albums of all time, and "Smells Like Teen Spirit" one of the most important songs. So rarely do you see an entire musical genre change on the dime of one song, but Nirvana was the one to do it. It changed the landscape of rock as people knew it, with Kurt Cobain screaming bloody murder and Dave Grohl crashing those drums. It really sparked something of a revolution in popular music, where it was finally okay not to be okay. The extravagance and glamour of the 80s was officially over, or at least it had to make room for new faces. Now, I'm not saying there weren't acts like this before Nirvana. Of course there were. But Nevermind really felt like the dam being burst open, and I truly believe it's Kurt's wild personality and riotous lyrics that made the message resonate. I think back to the screeching on "Drain You" or the dullard build-up to the explosive final verse and chorus of "Lounge Act". Kurt Cobain was a superstar, and though he may not have liked it, he certainly knew it and knew how to play with it. It's difficult to say what the music landscape would have changed to had Kurt not died by suicide. But he certainly left a lasting impression on music from his short time here. Rest in peace, Kurt, and thanks.
Best Song: "You Know You're Right"
Spoiler53. Fleetwood Mac
Is there any band out there whose personal drama got mined into more musical gold than Fleetwood Mac? It's the entire basis of their Rumours album, which, the title is all you need there. Just an incredibly messy band hiding under tons of talent. That's Fleetwood Mac's identity, and I am all for it. Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham are two of the most compelling frontpeople in rock music, not least because of their personal drama and transparent sniping on the aforementioned album. But more than that, Stevie Nicks simply has a hauntingly wonderful voice and Lindsey Buckingham is a dependable second voice of the band. They're magic together, obviously, as all messy duos are. Fleetwood Mac are simply a consistently solid band with more tricks up their sleeve than meet the eye. Something about them resonates all these years later, and the songs hold up like they're brand new. Can't think of anyone who would or could dislike this band.
Best Song: "The Chain"
Spoiler52. Mariah Carey
You can't talk about Ariana Grande without talking about Mariah Carey, The Elusive Chanteuse. Okay, so maybe she's a bit full of herself. But really, with a voice like that, how could you not be? Mariah Carey has a voice so powerful that it's really become redundant to talk about at this point. Everyone knows that Mariah Carey is one of the greatest singers of our time, but it means nothing if the songs aren't also top-notch, which they are. Always resonant and emotional, Mariah Carey got us feelin' emotions every time. It should be almost illegal for a pop star to be this perfect. Well, outside of one questionable movie. But yeah, Mariah Carey absolutely is the voice of a generation and a clear inspiration for many young artists to come.
Best Song: "Vision of Love"
Spoiler51. Jimi Hendrix
Jimi Hendrix is just plain cool, man. He glides through his songs so effortlessly it's like he was taught to play guitar from birth. It's remarkable to look back and see just how far ahead of the game Jimi was at his craft. The way the guitar just chugs along on songs like "Manic Depression", or the all-out solo on "All Along the Watchtower". He really sounded like the next generation of rock to come, and I'm sure inspired a lot of guitar virtuosos to hone their craft. A true star and inspiration.
Best Song: "Foxey Lady"
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My pooch is a Havanese, so I'm horribly biased. But all dogs are good.
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Happy Valentine's Day! Boy, I sure do LO
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Spoiler70. Garbage
Garbage is basically Pretenders to me, but add a lot of 90s angst to the mix. It comes from an assertion that Shirley Manson is the most effortlessly cool queen of rock of the 90s. All of Garbage's songs feel like an edgy 90s party that you want to be in on. A lot of that comes from Shirley Manson, who absolutely sells every song she is on. I don't think the songs would be nearly as successful without her presence; she adds exactly the level of angst and venom that is needed amid the upbeat, almost bubbly guitars. It's a perfect amalgamation of gritty industrial rock, snotty punk, and danceable pop rock. The late 90s rock band for everyone.
Best Song: "I Think I'm Paranoid"
Spoiler69. Hall & Oates
When I was really just starting to get into music, like actually looking back through the decades and all that, my initial conclusion of Hall & Oates was that they were a couple of dorks. I think a lot of that came from Daryl Hall's voice, which to be fair sounds like it's straining most of the time to me still, like if Lou Gramm pulled a muscle. But hey, they made the list and Foreigner did not, so clearly over the years Hall & Oates must have won me over. How? Well, through the late 70s to mid 80s they've remained a highly durable, solid band, which makes it sound like I'm describing furniture. But Hall & Oates really are like that lovely piece of furniture you've kept in your house for years. Not something you think about very often, but you're happy it exists. And I am very happy Hall & Oates exist; they've made quite the handful of lasting, enduring songs in the 80s that have snuck on me with how pitch-perfect they are. Sure, Daryl Hall isn't really my favourite singer, but his voice tends to work with whatever mood they're going for all the same, which is mostly pop with a bit of an edge. I'm talking that kind of "edgy" that keeps you looking over your shoulder, to be clear. Boy, this really sounds like I'm browbeating the group rather than praising them, doesn't it? Let me start over.
Ahem… Hall & Oates are a perfectly solid band with many sneaky good songs. I actually went to see them in concert a couple years ago and it's undeniable just how much they can pump up a crowd. They're just that band that's nice to have around, and nice to remember. Their songs are enduring, and they are all catchy as hell,. There. Is that any better? Geez, you know this project has drained me when I'm trying to compare artists positively to furniture…
Best Song: "I Can't Go for That (No Can Do)"
Spoiler68. Def Leppard
Before I really started getting into music, like when the extent of my music knowledge was listening to the radio, Def Leppard was one of my favourite bands of all time. This seems like an absurd opinion to have now on a band that many would regard as middle-of-the-road at best, but you know what? I'm gonna stand up for them, hopefully better than I tried to stand up for Hall & Oates, sheesh.
Def Leppard are the best example of Mutt Lange being used well. They are a rock band that is actually enhanced by the production value of Mutt Lange, using the fuzzy echoes to pump up their sound. Like I said before, there's nothing wrong with sounding a little cheesy if you can do it right, and Def Leppard just lean into it, particularly with their most successful album, Hysteria. They may not ever be retroactively recognized critical darlings, but something just resonates with me about their music. Again, with a lot of music on this list, this can be heavily influenced by my big dumb-brain opinions as a kid, but there are also plenty of artists I liked then that I can't stand now, so Def Leppard must have done something right to stick in my brain. I think it's the fact that they were always able to teeter on the edge of goofiness without ever really losing their rock side at their peak. You look at a song like "Pour Some Sugar on Me", which is a total goof song that still manages to have a pretty good riff and chorus for people to shout in concert. It's totally ridiculous, but then again, what 80s band wasn't a little ridiculous in the 80s? I say Def Leppard deserves a fair shake for staying true to their sound through the 80s and making song after song that surprisingly endures to this day. We don't talk about 90s Def Leppard, though.
Best Song: "Animal"
Spoiler67. Pearl Jam
Pearl Jam is aamuhrahmuhremadiwanabuderenajahmedahna I UHHHHH IM STILL ALIVE. Yes, many a joke has been told about the illegibility of Eddie Vedder's lyricism and voice. I mean, you might get riled up about the kids doing mumble rap today, but that's nothing compared to the advent of "mumble rock" that started in the 90s and carried on to the 2000s. And perhaps no one was more tied to that "hunger dunger dang" phenomenon than poor Eddie Vedder and his marble-mouthed voice. But it's time to separate Pearl Jam from that discourse once and for all, because in the sea of meaningless grunge and post-grunge, Pearl Jam are a damn thoughtful band with plenty of good songs to their name. You might not be able to understand Eddie Vedder half the time, but I'd be hard-pressed to find a song of his where I didn't feel the emotion seeping through all the same. Eddie Vedder is obviously well known for his wailing through his grungy, unintellgible voice, but I think it's important to note that he can be soft-spoken when the situation calls for it as well. That's what I mean by "thoughtful" when I talk about this band; you don't normally hear grunge bands writing songs like "Jeremy" or "Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town". Their songs feel a lot more in touch with the world around them and a lot more available to invite commentary. I love grunge music, but sometimes the artists tend to disappear up their own ass and it makes it difficult to root for them at times. Yes, we get your issues, but write about something else. Pearl Jam does just that, and the results are quite successful, even if you can't always understand what he's saying. Pearl Jam very much feel like the observer grunge band, with just enough personal angst to still join the club. A refreshing change of pahmanarogabadahbudiweenodarhmadan EVEN FLOOOW sorry I couldn't resist.
Best Song: "Better Man"
Spoiler66. Blondie
Debbie Harry is a glamorous, flawless being. She's like Chrissie Hynde with more glitz, Madonna with more edge. And Blondie is a fabulous band that has a long list of worthwhile songs in their catalog, even if their heyday was cut short by a breakup in '82. They seem like the perfect band to catalog the changing landscape of pop music right from the late 70s to the early 80s. They were the glamorous face of new wave, and deserved to be with the tunes they had to back it up. They seemed very versatile, like a mini-version of David Bowie. They could do hard rock, new wave, disco to some extent, rap…? Okay, jury's out on rap. But nevertheless, they were a versatile, exciting band with a ton of enduring pop songs in their discography. Debbie Harry is a literal goddess. That's all.
Best Song: I promised myself I would stay away from cover songs, but their rendition of "Hanging on the Telephone" is absolutely perfect and is the song that made me really fall in love with the band. So, rule broken.
Spoiler65. Alanis Morissette
The most infuriating, frustrating thing about Alanis Morissette is that I can never remember how to properly spell her last name. Other than that, she's pretty much perfect. She represents the absolute best of Canada's contributions to the female-led rock scene in the 90s, and she provides enough bravado and raw emotion to cement her name as a worthwhile artist. That Jagged Little Pill album… man, it should be illegal for an album to be so perfect. It's simply not fair to other artists trying to make their mark. But hey, Alanis deserves it. Her music carries a lot of emotional pathos and colourful lyrics that tell captivating stories. For someone who doesn't get irony in one of her biggest hits, she sure uses it effectively to convey just the right amount of deserved venom. I love that sarcastic edge; it really ties together the facets of her musical personality, sweet yet sour. She certainly doesn't sound like someone to mess with, if her unbridled anger on songs like "You Oughta Know" are anything to go by, so I'd stay on her good side by placing her on all your lists as well. Or, y'know, just do it for the music.
Best Song: "You Oughta Know"
Spoiler64. Alice in Chains
It seems odd that I'm putting grunge bands above Pearl Jam in this list after I just gushed about how much their subject matter makes them stand out among the pack. But, truth be told, of the six big grunge bands, the ones I feel were integral to the 90s biggest rock music aesthetic, Pearl Jam ranks sixth, though I still love them a lot. The thing is, while writing songs about other people is nice, and a change of pace from the genre, it's specifically the insularity that does make these moody bands so great. I talked about my desire for these bands to write about something else, but really, when you already have one band doing it, the rest exploring their own psyche for the majority of their discography just makes plain sense.
So we start with Alice in Chains, quite possibly the harshest of them all. Layne Staley's voice is like a freight train that just pierces through on choruses, best capturing an unwashed, howling cacophony that is emblematic of great grunge music. It definitely feels the most outwardly unhinged of the bunch and strikes some powerful chords. It's a shame that Staley died so young and left the band without a rudder. They made an attempt to come back in the late 2000s, but it just wasn't the same. It's like trying to do Queen without Freddie Mercury, or INXS without Michael Hutchence. Both of which also happened. Time is a flat circle. In any case, Alice in Chains are a consistently great band with a fiery presence that makes them stand out even among their grunge peers in the 90s.
Best Song: "Rooster"
Spoiler63. James Brown
James Brown feels like the beginning of music to me. I know he had his influences too, but it feels like the type of music I really like didn't kick off until he came onto the scene. Simply put, James Brown is funky. Real funky. There's a good case to be made that he is the progenitor of funk music, that's how influential he is. And listening to how advanced he was in the 60s and how everyone else felt light-years behind? Yeah, I can dig it. Basically, without James Brown music might have been more boring on the whole. That earns at minimum a spot on this list. Now, clearly he wasn't the end of the story. But every story does need a beginning.
Best Song: "Cold Sweat"
Spoiler62. blink-182
It’s hard to find a more balanced example of pop punk than blink-182. They've certainly had their share of re-inventions, but at their core they're a couple of snot-nosed punk brats that prefer to skateboard rather than incite revolution, which is perfectly fine by me. To me, blink-182 simply is the sound of late 90s/early 2000s rock. It's bubblegum enough that it can be played along Britney Spears on pop stations, but also nasty enough that it might shock your grandmother. Tom DeLonge's whine is simply emblematic of the era, it's basically the perfect voice for this band and this time in rock history. The fact that they were able to make believable pivots into more mature music speaks to their versatility as well. As much as I love their punky, bratty side, their self-titled album in 2003 might be my favourite of the bunch. Nice to see the boys grow up a little, while still retaining their rock edge. A song like "Stay Together for the Kids" is a fantastic tune that only could have been done by this band. It combines real emotional pathos with childlike, bratty innocence. I wouldn't blame anyone who had blink-182 as one of their main bands growing up; this would include my sister who for a solid five years had blink-182 as her favourite band ever. The songs hit hard, man, even the goofy ones. I feel like they get underestimated now as part of this era of rock that was never to be taken seriously, but they had the sound and the simple yet effective lyrics to back their tunes up, to make themselves a surprisingly emotionally affecting and resonant band.
Best Song: "Always"
Spoiler61. Metric
Metric is a modern miracle. Their songs are pristine, perfect, and exactly the type of music I eat up for breakfast. So rare is it to find a band that so consistently pushes all of my musical buttons, but Metric do it. From Emily Haines' absolutely angelic yet sarcastic voice, to the consistently catchy synth riffs, to the darkness of the lyrics, to the… to the… hang on, Jesus, I'm losing it just talking about this band.
I have yet to find a bad Metric song. Scratch that. I have yet to find a Metric song below, like, an 8/10. They have this tendency to lean on what has already worked for them in the past, so I can't exactly call them a constantly evolving band. But by the same token, if the shoe fits, wear it. Metric is just plain and simple a band that gives me joy to listen to. I can always use a Metric song to cheer me up, even if the subject matter itself isn't the cheeriest. Music is weird like that. Wonderfully weird. God, it's hard to believe this band only ranks #61. Somehow 60 artists rank above this. It's getting real exciting, folks.
Best Song: "Stadium Love", with a good seven or eight songs right behind it
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Spoiler80. Live
Ed Kowalczyk is a raving madman, and that's the way I like it. There appears to be a growing acceptance of post-grunge bands that many have long accepted as terrible. You got your Nickelbacks, your Creeds. With Creed it's interesting, because in addition to being shitty grunge music, they were also shitty "Christian" music. and I might be able to stand up for Creed wholeheartedly if there wasn't a much better example of quasi-Christian post-grunge in Live. This band takes away any reason to listen to Creed, and that alone should put them on this list.
The problem I have with Creed is they're just not interesting. Connecting your music to Jeezus isn't going to do much for me if the music doesn't move me. Live's music is a lot more out there at points. Ed Kowalczyk can turn from rambling to screaming to strangely calming and soothing, all in a matter of minutes. Do I always know what he's saying? No. But I can't deny the ride that Live albums tend to take me on. You still basically know what you're gonna get, but at the same time there's a lot more variety, and a lot more heart too. I believe every moment of angst that Ed goes through in his songs because it sounds like he believes it. And while their lyrics can get a bit out there, I see Live's music as a theatrical presentation, written by playwrights who might be just a bit too far up their ass, but then again, this music without pretention might be missing the point. It's not like Live can't just go out and rock either; "I Alone" is a fantastic song. So, yeah. Message to take away? Stop listening to Creed and better yourselves.
Best Song: "Lightning Crashes"
I'm also gonna give an honourable mention to "Waitress", which has some of the most batshit lyrics of the 90s and leaves me mystified as to what the point is or why this song was made or god what the hell. Love this band.
Spoiler79. Avril Lavigne
Who was your first celebrity crush? I'm not afraid to admit that my 9-year-old self was in love with Avril Lavigne. Something about her seemed otherworldly cool, like pop music could sound like this blew my mind back in the day. And indeed, many of Avril Lavigne's songs hold up. I stand by Under My Skin as being one of my most fondly remembered rock albums of the 2000s. Avril Lavigne tapped into something that not many artists did before Paramore. These felt like real, raw emotions coming from someone so young, and I'm not going to pretend that it's not all manufactured like the Britney Spears and Christina Aguileras were. We've heard enough of those conversations to last a lifetime. But for Lavigne's music to cross the gender barrier and reach me, she has to be doing something right. The fact that each of her singles are absolutely infectious in nature is just a bonus selling point. I think when I first started getting into music, "My Happy Ending" was my favourite song ever. The fact that it still kinda is says a hell of a lot. Love this girl, always good memories whenever I hear her music.
Best Song: From here on in it's going to get harder and harder to choose one song. I already talked about "Happy Ending", but "Don't Tell Me" has probably superseded it at this point. Tough as hell, though. Legitimately five songs just off the top of my head could go here.
Spoiler78. Pretenders
Chrissie Hynde is the queen of cool, and The Pretenders are the perfect band to back her. There are various levels of regard people hold new wave bands in, but I eat this up for breakfast. I'm not even sure there's much to The Pretenders other than they're tight, controlled, and absolutely perfect-sounding. This may seem like cynical praise, but it really isn't. I love how focused and slick this band is; it makes it all the more rewarding when they do go a little off the rails and rock out. Even though they do have such a controlled edge to their groove, they still make a wide variety of songs and Chrissie Hynde is versatile enough a singer to sell any emotion. She's bratty and soulful all in one. Underneath all the oversaturation of 80s music, The Pretenders are a good reminder that you don't need a lot of gloss to still sound glamorous.
Best Song: "Back on the Chain Gang"
Spoiler77. Matthew Good
Much can be said about the Canadian 90s alt-rock scene that never really took off anywhere else. You had a few bands that generated some buzz occasionally, but for the most part this trend was particularly insular to Canadians. And that's a shame, because so many of these bands and artists provided a different flavour that you simply wouldn't get if you just listened to the American mainstream. Enter Matthew Good and his band… the Matthew Good Band. Names are hard. Now, this is an interesting case because I love both Matthew Good's solo work and his band, so it was a conundrum to decide how to credit the music on this list, as putting both on would be hilariously redundant. In the end, I decided to credit the artist solo, but it's worth talking about both. Matthew Good Band had a certain edge to them that also allowed for a surprising amount of soul, which more so defined the man's solo career. It's kind of like growing from a punk teenager into an adult alternative artist. Sounds normally like a recipe for growing into boring, but Matthew Good excels at both through memorable melodies and sharp songwriting, as well as a voice that caters to both styles of music. Some guys just have enough musical talent to carry any sort of genre. Matthew Good may very well be… Matthew Great. Hmm, maybe I should edit that one.
Best Song: "Apparitions"
Spoiler76. Snoop Dogg
I talked earlier about dangerous musicians who turn out to be lovable teddy bears in the end. Is there a better case of this than Uncle Snoop? His personality has been so memed and ingrained in our collective minds that it's difficult to remember that he actually did seem legitimately dangerous at one point. He wrote a whole damn song about his very real murder trial. But the fact is, he's less of a criminal threat than his good pal Martha Stewart, and grew up to be everybody's lovable Snoop Dogg.
There are definitely distinct eras with the Snoop Dogg saga. You have his early days with Dr. Dre where he very much fit the archetype of a gangsta rapper, still standing out with his distinctive voice and delivery. Then you move on to the 2000s where it's not so much about being gangster as just evoking this air of otherworldly cool and chill. This would go on to define Snoop Dogg's further career to a comical degree, as he became Teflon to embarrassment and ridicule. Starring in songs with Katy Perry and Jason Derulo failed to even blemish his reputation. Trying to be a reggae artist failed to halt his momentum. Snoop Dogg is eternal, and he is eternally a chill dude who smokes copious amounts of marijuana. Fo' shizzle.
Best Song: "Gin and Juice"
Spoiler75. Bruno Mars
I feel like Bruno Mars shouldn't be on this list. Not because I don't like his music, but because… well, he's not really an artist, at least not like the others on this list. He's a Vegas showman, like Wayne Newton. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but when your best musical asset is your ability to be other people, do you really deserve a spot among other artists with established personalities, particularly if your gimmick has already gotten old two years ago?
Then I listened to "Uptown Funk" again and my criticisms magically vaporized.
Yes, Bruno Mars is very likely the most fundamentally flawed artist on this list, in that he has a lot of songs that I dislike, hell, even entire eras where he was popular I've disliked. And yet he made the biggest heel-face turn simply by refusing to be himself for any longer. I have to imagine that the façade is part of the persona at this point. It's kind of a tragedy, really, to get your best hits by not being yourself. But I can't knock the guy by being really, really, good at being other people. Prince, Morris Day, the god damn Police. It's astonishing just how versatile Bruno has proven to be, and he made some really damn great pop songs while doing it. It's here I realize that Bruno Mars belongs on this list because he's more of a pop music nerd than I am, and he has the musical chops to pull off so many different styles. Gotta respect the hustle if nothing else. Any artist that can recover from making "The Lazy Song" is alright by me.
Best Song: "Locked Out of Heaven"
Spoiler74. Travis Scott
Yeah, this is another weird one, I'm aware. I feel like I've been tricked into allowing Travis Scott on my Best Artists lists, like his music hypnotized me into putting him here or something. Particularly above other artists who probably deserve the oversaturated recognition more. But I can't help it, man. Something about his vibes are addictive. It's something to just chill out to; it's mind-melting in a non-intellectual way. Nearly every one of his songs is engineered in such a way that it puts me right in the mindset of a hazy, tipsy party. It's very rare for music to be so consistently evocative in the same way. Now, of course, there's the question of versatility which I've highlighted as a specific point of interest when discussing the artists on this list. Well… Travis gets about a C- on that front. Sorry, dude. But hey, a C- is better than nothing, and when he switches it up, it can get amazing. And anyway, lack of variety can be made up for with something that consistently works. And if his eternal ad-libs don't bother me through half a decade of listening to his music, well, he has to be doing something right. Straight up, it's lit!
Best Song: "90210" (ft. Kacy Hill)
Spoiler73. Charli XCX
Charli XCX will probably never get the widespread love and acclaim she deserves. But for her to remain an under-the-radar darling while consistently pushing the envelope with new ideas and new music? Hell yeah, I'll take it. Particularly with the album released last year, recorded and released during quarantine, I got to see a side to Charli XCX that really warmed me to her, and I think allowed her to grace this list. She's shown a consistency and a knack for hauntingly beautiful melodies with this album, that complement her more synthpop and bubblier tunes. I dunno, maybe she'll be another Eternal Pop Star of the Future, but I am truly curious to see where she goes from here. An intriguing artist still with lots of potential.
Best Song: "Nuclear Seasons"
Spoiler72. The Who
YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH
I don't know if The Who are particularly notable in the large lexicon of rock bands today, but they were highly groundbreaking and certainly do know how to rock. When I think of rock n' roll, Keith Moon's crazy antics are something my mind immediately jumps to. It feels like The Who were one of the top tier rock bands of their time for just how loud they dared to be. Even before Zeppelin, even before The Beatles really started experimenting, The Who rocked the joint with songs like "My Generation" which admittedly sound quaint today, but were near revolutionary at the time. They continued to set the standard with songs that would blow the roof off of the place. The energy doesn't just reflect in onstage antics, they effectively convey this in their music as well. It's full of energy bursts and excitement; even the studio versions of their songs sound like a rock concert. The raucous drums, the killer riffs, Roger Daltrey wailing on the mic. What more could you possibly need from a rock band?
Best Song: "Won't Get Fooled Again"
Spoiler71. Pink Floyd
It's a shame that Pink Floyd's legacy now has a taint on it from a certain critic of nostalgia, but that shouldn't stop anyone from seriously checking out their music. Indeed, it should encourage them to do so, to spite said critic. But anyway, Pink Floyd simply stand in a class all their own with songs of mystery, dark despair, and melancholy bliss. The perfect band to get drunk to, really. They run the gamut of emotions. There's a certain beauty to their work, it feels orchestral but not fluffy, each decision in their work feels artful. This leads to iconic moments and songs from their discography, from the harsh, angry, sarcastic tones of "Money" to the blissful numbness of, well, "Comfortably Numb". They may have fallen off a bit from their peak, but even their least acclaimed albums have moments in them that just blow me away. Pink Floyd feel like a very important band with every release, one that commands attention. And attention is clearly what they got from me.
Best Song: "Time"
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Spoiler90. CCR
We're happening to hit a spell of folksy 60s/70s artists right now, so I feel like I should promise you it's not the whole list. (Once you get to #89 your suspicions will be fully unrealized.) But anyway, Creedence Clearwater Revival! No doubt one of the more volatile bands towards the end of their reign, but when they were on top they were just unstoppable. It really feels like these songs just came out of the ground one day, more so ancient discoveries than man-made creations. They're like old blues songs that feel like they've been around forever, yet still feel fresh to this day, with the exception of "Fortunate Son"'s relentless use in every Vietnam War media piece ever. They feel like songs that have just been passed down through time, like everyone knows a Creedence song even if you think you don't. You turn on a classic rock radio once, you've heard a Creedence song. I won't lie and say that my music taste isn't at least partially influenced by what my parents listened to when I was a kid, but I also can't deny the stunning simplicity and yet resonant effect of these songs. Their best songs are the ones which just evoke a feeling of being down on your luck but scraping to get by, grinning and bearing it. A fitting feeling going into their later years, but we don't need to talk about Mardi Gras. Instead, I'll say that Fogerty is the man. His voice, while definitely a grower, is iconic. He adds so much personality to the songs and, to his credit, it really is his band. Were it Joe Schmo singing and writing for CCR, I don't know if they would resonate. Hell, we already have a test run of that with, again, that one album. Still, CCR at their best, that's John Fogerty and the band, are fucking great.
Best Song: "Born on the Bayou"
Spoiler89. Bon Jovi
There! What did I tell you? It's only going to get more insane and embarrassing from here, I'm sure. Though, in a list of Top 100 artists, you can't get much more embarrassing than carving out a spot for Bon freakin' Jovi, even if it is relatively low. Remember when I said that my music taste includes significant remnants from what my parents listened to? Well, my mom is a big Bon Jovi fan, and all these years later, I can't blame her. Hair metal never sounds quite as fun as it does with Bon Jovi. Most of the bands seem way too caked up in their own makeup and hairspray, while Bon Jovi is the hair metal band you could get a beer with at the end of the day. I think, especially with songs like "Livin' on a Prayer", they try to toe the line between the glam and glitz of 80s rock and, say, John Mellencamp. It's not a middle ground that should work but it does, and significantly better than bands like Poison or Warrant ever will. It also helps that Jon Bon Jovi seems like a genuinely nice dude to be around and has eased into a country rocker pretty well. Yeah, they're cheesy. But it was the 80s, a decade filled with cheese. Eventually, you learn to shut up and eat it because cheese is good. So I'm not too cool for Bon Jovi, and I have absolutely no problem admitting that.
Best Song: "Born to Be My Baby"
Spoiler88. Electric Light Orchestra
These guys are lower than I thought they'd be. I bet most of you wouldn't put Electric Light Orchestra and Bon Jovi in the same warehouse, let alone right next to each other. But this is how the list shook out, so here we are. Electric Light Orchestra are a very pretty band. They make lovely songs that I always enjoy listening to. I can't think of an ELO song that I've heard and thought "wow, this sounds like crap, what the hell were they thinking?" As far as I'm concerned, Jeff Lynne can do no wrong. There's something ethereal about ELO's music, otherworldly. So why so low? Well, despite the objective quality of their music, it just doesn't resonate with me like it should. These are very good pop songs in a vacuum, but I would never turn on an ELO song to experience the feels. Unless we're talking happy feels with "Mr. Blue Sky", then all bets are off. They're more like an art exhibit to look at than a musical act to experience. Nothing wrong with that, of course. It got them this far, after all. But ultimately, I just need that "X Factor" that make bands worth coming back to more, and ELO falls a bit short on that front. Still undeniably a wonderful, charming group with plenty of classic songs, and more than deserving of a spot on this list.
Best Song: "Telephone Line"
Spoiler87. Peter Gabriel
When making a list like this. tough decisions inevitably have to be made. I WANTED to put both Peter Gabriel and Genesis on this list, but the redundancy just killed me, even though they grew into very different musical acts. If I do put both acts on, what's to stop me from doing the same with other bands? Tom Petty and Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers? Gladys Knight and her Pips? Where do you draw the line?
And ultimately, if I had to choose between one of the two, I would go with Peter Gabriel solo. Love ya Genesis, but Peter Gabriel simply scratches those musical itches for me, without sounding like he's explicitly trying to go for mainstream sounds. Which is odd, because a lot of his most revered songs are ballads, something you'd think would get a foot in the door of the Billboard Hot 100. But Genesis had proven to be the mainstay in the mid-to-late 80s. It's a shame, because despite Genesis' big, bouncy pop tunes and soaring choruses, I always found Peter Gabriel's music to be much more resonant with me. There's a weirdness to him, for sure, but there's also a quiet dignity that Genesis just doesn't seem to have. It's like if Genesis dressed up for a party with songs like "Sledgehammer". Or maybe I just like Peter Gabriel's voice more than Phil Collins. That could be too.
There's a more timeless quality to Peter Gabriel's music. Despite everything from the 80s being slathered in 80s to some extent, Peter Gabriel makes his way out of the muck to deliver some really great tunes. They feel like songs that have staying power and aren't stuck in some shitty 80s soundtrack. Which… yes, I am aware of the irony there. But "In Your Eyes" is still a great song, so ignore that. Overall, despite the pop appeal of the latter, I find Peter Gabriel's music easier to go back to and listen to than Genesis. It's the kind of pop music that goes with a nice red wine and a crackling fire.
Best Song: "Red Rain"
Spoiler86. Janelle Monáe
Ah, Janelle Monáe: The pop star that never was. And that's a damn shame, because we could certainly use more stars like Janelle Monáe breaking into the mainstream. With the departure of Prince in 2016, it felt like a lot of artists were stepping up to fill the void. And I'd argue that Monáe with her album Dirty Computer in 2018 did more than anyone else to meet that target. Of course, it will be nigh impossible for anyone to fully replace Prince. But to get a fully female perspective with eternal jams like "Make Me Feel" in the mix of pop culture is something to be celebrated. Yeah, full disclaimer: Janelle Monáe is entirely on this list because of one album. It's one of my favourite albums of the decade, and it brought us a lot of what we'd been missing from pop music and R&B the past few years, which was creativity, fun, and bravado. So of course, in one of the sleepiest times for the Billboard charts, Janelle Monáe struggled to find success. Trends are weird. And I don't know how well this album will stand the test of time, but it will always be a firecracker of a moment in an otherwise lackluster year for music, and I have to give Monáe ultimate props for that.
Best Song: "Django Jane"
Spoiler85. The Cult
Sometimes there's just not much to say about a band that appears on this list other than that they're a rockin' band who has a cavalcade of good tunes to keep me occupied. And that's exactly what The Cult is: a damn good band who know what they're about and have a fiery lead singer in Ian Astbury. "She Sells Sanctuary" is a bonafide classic, and a staple on rock radio for good reason. One of the most recognizable riffs by a band you only tangentially know exists. Yeah, despite their prowess, The Cult never really get mentioned along the giant rock stars of classic rock. Maybe they broke too late, or maybe their music just wasn't resonant enough with the general public. And that can all be true. But what's also true is I have yet to find a dud in their catalogue. There's something about being a slicker, better, more hyped-up version of AC/DC that makes all their music resonate with me. And there's something to the energy consistently emanating out of this band as well; they never sound like they're out of breath or gassed. Every one of their songs is either a runaway train or the most powerful of power ballads, or something in between. But it all rocks, and I'm all for it.
Best Song: "Fire Woman" (I cannot explain the Tommy Wiseau resemblance of the lead singer)
Spoiler84. Alice Cooper
It's funny the way that artists that seemed so dangerous back in the day are cuddly teddy bears now. Hope you die before you get old, and all that. So maybe Alice Cooper was before my time, and I'm not really equipped to understand how instrumental he was in changing the face of rock n' roll. But to my ears and eyes, he seems more like a snotty punk kid than anything, with - dare I say - a little bit more glitz thrown in. And hey, he made the list, so clearly I don't mean any of this as insulting. He has songs called "School's Out" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy", for crying out loud. This is not the guy that's going to come into your home and eat your babies. He's the guy that's going to stay after school for mouthing off to a teacher. He's the John Bender of 70s rock music, and I absolutely love it. It does make the times where he does seem to be going for macabre a bit disingenuous to me, though. He's far more effective playing a little shit, and that's all I need him to be. Everyone has a role to play in music, and Alice Cooper fills his perfectly.
(And yes, I know it's both a band and a person, but you always think of the guy before the band.)
Best Song: "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
Spoiler83. Boston
There's much that can be loathed about the bloated arena rock of the 70s and 80s, I'm aware. But I think there's importance in distinguishing between bands like Air Supply who have to borrow their most awesome moments from someone else, and Boston, who are more than capable of being an awesome band on their own. It still strikes me today how cohesive Boston was as a group in the 70s: they seemed like that logical through line between prog rock of the 70s and arena rock of the 80s. Too talented for the latter, but enough mainstream appeal to eclipse the former. They hit that sweet spot of mass audience resonance and pure talent. I can't think of a song of theirs off of their debut album I wouldn't choose to listen to. It is pure rock perfection. Yeah, it's a little cheesy, but I'll take it over a lot of cheese and lack of talent, which was plaguing the airwaves by the mid-70s into the 80s. Incredibly solid group with tons of replay value for me.
Best Song: "Foreplay/Long Time"
Spoiler82. Lenny Kravitz
Lenny Kravitz is the funk rocker that everyone can appreciate. He's the type of guy who will bring on Slash as an assist on one song, and cover The Guess Who on the next. In this way he's also quite versatile, with chameleon skills rivalling Bruno Mars at his peak. But it never sounds inauthentic; Kravitz just seems like a guy who wants to make the music he wants to make. Pretty much all of his songs are great; I think what really ties them together is his versatile voice that can go from crooning to growling in the span of a second, with ever-present funky guitar to back him up. Despite his penchant for sounding like other artists at points, Lenny Kravitz really does feel singular as an artist. It's as though if he existed in this parallel universe, more artists would sound like him. That said, I think it's best that the world has only one Lenny Kravitz. The singularity is part of what makes him special. That's what his mama said, at least.
Best Song: "Fly Away"
…no, no wait, sorry, I mean "It Ain't Over Til It's Over"
Spoiler81. Alannah Myles
Another Canadian artist that you'd probably only know for one song, if that. Yeah, I don't think Alannah Myles has the same resonance with Americans that even The Guess Who does. Hell, in Canada, I don't think she's really become a household name like some of our other homegrown talents. But I'm here to say that's a shame, because Alannah Myles might be one of the more underrated artists even by Canada's standards. It's like she recorded "Black Velvet" and just went away. She had a little more staying power in Canada, but not by much. So what gives? Beats me. For me, she scratches an itch that not many artists do. There were a glut of female adult alternative performers that made their way to stardom in the mid-to-late 90s, and I like to think of Alannah Myles as the mother to all of them. She made songs ranging from hard rock to soothing crooning, and it's the two sides here that really come together to make an interesting artist. I think I'm starting to find that, particularly with these artists near the bottom of the list, it's versatility that makes them stand out. If you're good at more than one thing without sacrificing either, it makes you that much more special. I should also point out that Alannah Myles makes it work because she has an absolutely gorgeous voice. She has this full-bodied flair to her singing that gives power to whatever she chooses to sing about. And as said before, it's suited for full-on rock n' roll or crooning. The versatility combined with power makes her a true gem, and you should check her out if you're into a bluesy gal with fire in her belly.
Best Song: "Love Is"
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It's here, it's here, it's finally here! I decided to premiere this on my eleventh anniversary on this danged site, and totally not because I meant to premiere it on New Year's Day and missed my deadline or anything, and wanted 23 more days of wiggle room. What? Quit being so suspicious! Yes, I'm talkin' to you!
Anyway! This is the final capper of my big, giant, stupid music project. I will be counting down my 100 favourite artists of all time in this thread, which I carefully have been curating over the past couple months. I am hoping that this list remains with me for the rest of my life, regardless if I may find new artists to appreciate in the future. I'm 25. Time is running out for me to change my opinion, guys. Well, not really, but I figured this would be a good testament to how my opinions have changed over the years, and hopefully serve as a permanent window into my general music tastes.
With all that said, a few guidelines for how I would appreciate you interacted with this thread:
- Please, please, PLEASE keep the "where is this artist" comments to a minimum. I promise you, there are literally hundreds of artists that failed to make the cut for me, but could reasonably be considered runner-ups. I do like music. If your favourite artist doesn't happen to crack the top 100, I'm sorry. What I would encourage you to do is, and I'm being genuine here, make your own list! My opinion is not the be-all and end-all of musical taste on SBC, and I'm sure plenty of you are way cooler than me anyway. Have at it! I didn't invent the "Top 100 Artists" trope.
- If you would like to make predictions, guesses, or wishes, that is fine. I humbly request you put them in spoiler tags, as some of you may know my music taste better than others, and I would like this to be as unpredictable an experience for everyone as it possibly can be.
- I will be listing my favourite song by each artist after each entry. I have ranked sixty different billboard year-end charts over the course of six years. Opinions change over time. Anyone who comes at me with "but you ranked x song higher than this one in the summer months of 2017" is going to get a stink-eye from me. And you will feel it burning through your monitor, I promise you. Don't do that.
There! Now that I've finished my tyrannical rant, here we FINALLY go:
Wumbo's Top 100 All-Time Favourite Artists (100-91)
Spoiler100. Fugees
Amid the rise of gangsta rap through the mid 90's, there was also a seedy underbelly of "alternative" hip hop. You had your Arrested Developments, your Commons. But none really lived up to the potential for me until Fugees, simply because none had Lauryn Hill. The woman is a master on the mic, spitting dope rhymes and sweet melodies alike. If I dared, I might have just put Lauryn Hill on this list and left the gentlemen out to dry. But I can't deny the harmonies that Wyclef and, yes, Pras brought to the table. Fugees worked best as a trio, and while each of them would go off to have varying degrees of success and failure, the mid-90s were a magical time in which they all came together to record some of my favourite hip hop songs of the 90s.
Best Song: "Fu-Gee-La"
Spoiler99. Billy Joel
Billy Joel is that kind of artist who everyone knows is good, but maybe more people have only a passing reference to him than you might think. Nevertheless, he is making this list because of his sheer output of music through the decades and his knack at staying relevant. Unlike so many artists who faded out because their music got old or dated, Billy Joel has near-remained timeless. You could listen to a song like "Uptown Girl" at any point in time and it would still sound as fresh as it did back then. When some artists can't even stay relevant through one decade, you have to give this man credit for making it through three.. Obviously, there are other artists whose music I prefer to listen to more, he's only at #99, after all. But I can't knock the man for maintaining the relevance and timeless quality in his music, and to be fair, it is usually feel-good music, even if it's not always presented that way. Maybe the legend outweighs the man here, But I'd argue Billy Joel definitely deserves the accolades he's been given by the general public.
Best Song: "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant"
Spoiler98. Elton John
I group Elton John and Billy Joel together a lot, so it makes sense that they would appear side by side on a countdown like this. Like Billy Joel, Elton John is a timeless, enduring artist who first came into prominence in the 70s. Also like Billy Joel, it took me a while to fully appreciate his gifts to the musical world. I'm not really sure what caused the disconnect; maybe the music just wasn't my style at the time. Maybe I viewed other 70s artists as doing his thing better. But regardless, he did make this countdown, so I'm going to talk about him. Elton John is such a big presence in music that you could do the crappiest caricature of him and still have enough defining features to work out who he is. He is obviously mega talented, with a powerful, emotional singing voice and timeless classics in his catalogue of music. I think what ultimately ends up endearing me to Elton John is bravado mixed with sincerity. Many artists were better at either, but few combine both quite the way Elton John does. He deserves to be the icon he is known as today.
Best Song: "Tiny Dancer"
Spoiler97. Sheryl Crow
The 90s was not short on soulful female singers filled with angst. And while Sheryl Crow isn't the cleanest example of this - she has a song that goes "All I wanna do is have some fun", after all - she is certainly one of the most balanced performers of the bunch. Her performances toe the line between fanciful stories about wanting to get some sunshine and diatribes of depression. She's the Lilith Fair performer for everyone. I think what also draws me in is her soothing voice. The sweet songs sound like lullabies and joy rides, and the heart-wrenching ones are even more so. The perfect artist to read comics in bed and eat mold-free French toast to.
Best Song: "My Favorite Mistake"
Spoiler96. 3 Doors Down
Something you should know about this countdown is that it is going to tap into a lot of nostalgic feelings for me. Thus, you may look at an entry like this and think "Wait, this is above Elton John and Billy Joel?" And what can I say? Yes, yes it is. I don't apologize, and I don't feel any shame. Okay, maybe a little.
But this is not the place for that, so let's talk about what works for 3 Doors Down. Post-grunge is typically looked at as this ugly, borderline unlistenable genre. You think of artists like Puddle of Mudd and Saving Abel and you think "Who could possibly want to listen to that crap?" Well, the answer is me, once upon a time. Okay, not Saving Abel, they were always garbage. But ANYWAYS, post-grunge had a legitimate audience. And for me, the band that truly stood the test of time was 3 Doors Down. Mainly because there was an air of conviction to their performance. Brad Arnold's voice is noticeably "prettier" than a lot of his peers, and he can be a lot more versatile thanks to that. He's able to sound grungy but also have a softer side as well, something that notably, not every post-grunge artist can pull off. Yeah, there are a few duds in the catalogue, but that happens with nearly every band. No one bats a thousand. And for what it's worth, the good songs by 3 Doors Down I honestly find really great, and they hold up today. It's nice to have one souvenir from that era I wouldn't mind showing off.
Best Song: "When I'm Gone"
Spoiler95. Gorillaz
Gorillaz are a musical… thing… that simply commands your attention. It cannot be understated how ambitious an art project like Gorillaz is. It is only due to marvelous minds that it became as revered as it continues to be. Even if you don't like every Gorillaz song out there, and there are ones that don't quite hit the mark, you have to admire the gumption that allows the mythos of a project like this to exist. To not only have a completely animated musical "group" but also for each of them to have distinctive characteristics and personalities? The music almost seems beside the point. It's a good thing the music is so damn good though. A perfect blend of electronic, hip hop, and rock that many fusion artists can only dream of living up to. A true masterpiece of a "band".
Best Song: "Feel Good Inc."
Spoiler94. Foster the People
What the hell happened to Foster the People? It's true that the indie rock boom aftermath of 2015 and beyond left a lot of artists like these in the lurch, but I think Foster the People deserved to survive beyond a muted "comeback" in 2018. They seemed to have all the sensibilities of a pop act while still maintaining their indie label to some degree. "Indie" is such a garbage, meaningless term anyway. It just matters to me if the music is good. Which, in Foster the People's case, it absolutely is. They use the technology of today to their complete advantage, creating songs that almost sound otherworldly but still manage to be incredibly catchy. It's like if The Black Eyed Peas used their powers for good. Just a fun, enjoyable group that I wish had more staying power.
Best Song: "Houdini"
Spoiler93. Kiss
You may look at Kiss and see them as a brand more than a band. And you'd probably be right. But I'm going to stand up for their music as well, because they deserve a little more credit than they get. You're never going to find someone who calls them the greatest musicians in rock history, but they manage to carve out a unique identity not only through their makeup but through their sound. They give a perfect combination of glam rock and hard rock through their music, which no doubt fits their image as well. A Kiss party is a fun party.
In order to stand out, showmanship is half the battle, too. Kiss have done the best they can to stand out among the crowd, and clearly it's paid off. How many artists could you dress up as for Halloween and have people instantly recognize who you are? Elvis Presley? Maybe The Beatles? Sure, but those guys were seen as pioneers of the genre, some of the most important musicians who ever lived. Kiss, for all intents and purposes, are just another hard rock band. But they make it work through brilliant design of their image, wild live shows, and a keen awareness of who they are. A rockin' good band with some crazy makeup.
Best Song: "Shout It Out Loud"
Spoiler92. The Guess Who
Every now and then on this list you'll get a lil sprinkling of some Canadian talent. Obviously the American and British artists will dominate because they've dominated the conversation in pop music since forever, but I would be remiss if I didn't carve out some room for some of my home turf favourites. And we start with The Guess Who, a 60s/70s rock band that commanded more versatility than you might think upon first listen. There were very specific categories that you could lump many classic rock bands into, but it felt like The Guess Who dipped their toes into multiple subgenres and blended them together quite nicely. On the surface they appear folksy, but I'd argue they command a lot of psychedelic and even prog influence in some of their best songs. Burton Cummings is a seriously underrated singer, he can liven up a song with the best of them and is quite versatile, from somber crooning to furious frustration. They're actually a Canadian band that you may have heard of over the border, likely due to "American Woman", but they still deserve so much more recognition, if only for completely changing the game for Abbott and Costello routines with their name. All in all, I prefer the Canadian Steppenwolf a little more. Well, fully Canadian.
Best Song: "No Time"
Spoiler91. Neil Young
Of course, it would be sacrilege to wax nostalgic about 60s/70s Canadian artists and forget about Neil Young, one of the most revered Canadian artists of all time. His whine might not be for everyone, but you can't deny his knack for sharp songwriting and his ability to amplify it with somber, resonant melodies. There's something about Neil Young that just makes you feel comfy, even when he's singing about the Kent State shooting or a heroin addiction. So maybe he wouldn't want me to call him a "comfy" artist. But I don’t care, I'm a sucker for this kind of music when it comes down to it. It's the stuff I grew up with, hearing it played at a folksy restaurant by a cover artist or falling asleep to the classic rock radio on the long drive home. It's not how anyone would typically come at Neil Young critically, and I do respect him a hell of a lot, but to get on this list all he had to do was sound familiar. Like your grandpa had a music career and was cool as hell. It helps, of course, that his songwriting is consistently on point and he can really rock out when he needs to. Rad, man.
Best Song: "The Needle and the Damage Done"
Well, there you go! Look for a new entry every Sunday until we get to #1!
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SBC's Top Fifty BEST EPISODES EVER... this year (2021)
in SpongeBob Episodes
Posted
34. "How tough am I? You got a new bottle of ketchup?"
No Weenies Allowed - 89 points
6 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #3 - @ForgottenOne
2019 Ranking: #40 (+6)
Season 3, written by Paul Tibbitt, Kent Osborne, and Merriwether Williams
Plot: SpongeBob tries to prove he is tough enough to get into The Salty Spitoon.
SpongeBob's toughness, or lack thereof, is a common theme seen in episodes. Sometimes it's played straighter, like in MuscleBob BuffPants. But sometimes it serves as a great vehicle for a gag-fest, like here. If Season 3 succeeds at anything, it's being plain funny, and finding new ways to be funny. Every moment of this episode is a riot as SpongeBob tries desperately to get out of Weenie Hut Jr.'s and into the Salty Spitoon. Weenie Hut Jr.'s itself is a great setpiece, with three characters we'll never see again detailing exactly the kind of life SpongeBob doesn't want to have. Beyond that, it's your standard Season 3 wackiness, which is always welcome in the show. The SpongeBob clone, Patrick beating himself up, the three-day potato salad. Definitely a fun and funny episode.
33. "Hi there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it?"
Squidville - 93 points
7 of 30 lists. 2 #1 votes - @E.V.I.L. & @CakeCup
2019 Ranking: #28 (-5)
Season 2, written by Aaron Springer, C.H. Greenblatt, and Merriwether Williams
Plot: Squidward moves away to Tentacle Acres.
Squidward is such a fascinating, multi-faceted character. On the surface he's just a grumpy old neighbour who doesn't like it when SpongeBob and Patrick have any fun. But is that really who he is? This is such a great episode because it finally fulfills Squidward's biggest dream: that he gets to move away from SpongeBob and Patrick. And the new town he moves to has everything he wants, from interpretive dance to clarinet recitals to CANNED BREAD. So, basically, he gets to live his dream life, series over, so long Squidward. Except... he's not fulfilled. And we get to see this in what I think is one of the greatest sequences of the show - his happy face slowly turning bored and languished as he goes through his daily routine. Too much paradise, indeed. This episode reinforces that Squidward kinda needs SpongeBob, to make his life more interesting and to keep him in balance. It's a pretty good summary of what makes the show work, which is conflict. And it's why I believe there's more to Squidward than meets the eye. Episodes like this are a great reminder that characters work best when they're three-dimensional and have motivations beyond basic character traits. Squidville is successful in showing us the full Squidward, gardening tools and all.