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OWM last won the day on September 23

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  1. "More seaweed medley, dear?" Any passerby may see this affectionate quote as the sign of a healthy relationship, one that may soon be tested after the aftershock of a surprise home invasion. But the average passerby is ignorant—uninformed to the struggles this couple had undergone and would continue to undergo well after the horrifying incident which would mar their lives. Incidentally enough, she'd actually known the assailant before—he was a boorish and obnoxious presence at the mandatory boating classes she'd been forced to take after her fateful DUI incident, a crash that had resulted in the death of an eight year-old lamppost. Was this something the masked man had gotten wind of, and wanted to strike fear and contempt in her heard as payback for the wretched deed she'd committed that evening? Fortunately, there was one man who'd continued to support her afterward, and that was the one licking his lips at the sight of her home cooking. He worked as a referee. It kept the lights on, yes, but it was never the kind of job he wanted. Half the time he kept getting mistaken for a burglar, and everyone else seemed to hate him for apparently giving one team extra favors. He craved care and recognition, but could never seem to have it within his reach. That is, until he met a sweet orange-finned girl who wore no clothes for some reason. But she was willing to give him her all. Regardless of their struggles, they'd stayed throughout the years, bearing the knowledge that literally no one else would take them. Just recently, they were attacked by a rabid crab with a stamp. Mild struggle was something they could never escape, yet it brought them closer together.
  3. EPISODE XXIX: THE OUTLANDER CLUB Our sources for this episode came from one Tera Sinube, who is completely delirious and lives under the impression that the Great Jedi Purge is still happening. But at least his knowledge of Coruscant's seedy underbelly is still sharp. Kalyn Farnmir Kalyn’s day took a turn for the interesting after seeing someone get their arm chopped off with a glowstick by a guy in pajamas. I mean, weird stuff happened around here, but nothing like that. She was only spending her downtime from her job as a bounty hunter, searching for those wishing to hide where they thought no one could look. But she'd definitely know if this next target was a changeling. I guess I'll have to keep looking, she thought, as she kept searching for her target, Elan Sleazebaggano. Ayy Vida After escaping the captivity of her former owner Hat Lo, Ayy Vida championed for sex worker rights across the galaxy, at one point staging a protest against the Empire’s treatment of her Twilek sisters. Many years later, during the New Republic when it looked like there was room for her to make a difference, she lobbied for them to crack down on trafficking. She also helped create the “content sharing” website known as OnlyTwileks, a safe haven for sex workers. It soon became one of the galaxy’s most famous websites, but also strife with controversy and at one point several investors threatened to pull their funding from it. This news caught the eye of young entrepeneur Zeff Lezos around 10 ABY. He offered Vida he’d invest in her website to help keep it afloat, and not having another choice, she accepted. OnlyTwileks started to lose its base after several controversial policy changes thanks to Zeff, twisting the site’s purpose. Vida was ashamed of herself for selling out the people she fought so hard for. Failed, she had, and went into exile. However, she still had the support of her Twilek sisters and other content creators, which warmed her heart. Achk Med-Beq Several rumors spread around the Outlander Club that Achk was secretly a Sith Lord or some other dark side user. How these rumors started, nobody knows for sure, but some suspect it was a joke that spiraled a tad out of control. Achk himself wasn’t aware of these rumors until his associate Faytonni informed him and was worried someone would take it seriously, but Achk paid them no mind and continued minding his own business at the club. That was until one eerie night, Achk went outside the club for a bit when he was jumped by an assassin: Fong Do, who believed the rumors. Achk tried to insist the rumors were simply an inside joke, but Do genuinely thought they were about to kill a Sith Lord. While nobody else was looking, Achk decided now was time to strike: he force choked the life out of Fong Do, and tossed their body into a dumpster. Achk smiled to himself, showing his yellow eyes in the darkness. Following that night, Achk stopped frequenting the Outlander Club, not wanting to risk getting caught, and nobody really knows where he is now, not even Faytonni. But little did they know, Achk went into the shadows deep in the Unknown Regions, biding his time to reveal himself to the galaxy… Dannl Faytonni Dannl, as one half of a con artist operation, was greatly disturbed to hear the news of his partner Achk’s disappearance. Could the power of the dark side have been the secret of their success? He was never quite sure until a fateful trip to Coruscant’s Galaxies Opera House, disguised as a high-ranking Republic bureaucrat he’d kidnapped and neutralized. Chancellor Palpatine’s mutterings about all-powerful Sith Lords and eternal life distracted him from the sea monkey ballet being performed before him, and more onto the sinister nature of the galaxy’s most powerful man. Could there really be latent dark side influence in the Republic too? But just as quickly as he noticed, the Chancellor had struck. Coruscant, along with thousands of other planets with the system, fell to tyranny. While Faytonni never regained his partnership or his past life as a con artist, he did start a new job as an Imperial assembly worker, putting together crappy little protocol droids that he hoped would ruin parties or burst into flames or make lives worse for the new guys in charge. Fight the power! Bufon Taire As the club’s chief bartender, Bufon had heard a long list of crazy stories and customers from his time serving, ranging from: divorces, heist plans, criminal underworld chatter, deeply dark drunken confessions, and rumors about a Sith Lord at the club. He respected the patrons’ privacy and never told what he overheard to anyone else. When Republic and later Imperial agents would approach him for intel on criminals, Bufon would never budge. He was a true friend ‘til the end. One day, the owners of the Outlander Club angered the Imperials because they were not playing their propaganda, a requirement for all establishments. The owners had a “civil discourse” with them, which resulted in management changes and a tightened Imperial presence. One of these changes resulted in Bufon being laid off, much to the dismay of many customers. Bufon told them to not shed any tears, as he packed his things and headed off into the Coruscant sunset, never to be seen again. Due to his firing and increased Imperial presence at the club, the customers eventually stopped coming and the club closed. Some still hold out hope Bufon is out there somewhere, and when he returns, the Outlander Club will be reborn. Our finale will delve into the stories of those who never had the chance to share one in the first place.
  4. EPISODE XXVII: EWOKS The Ewoks: one of the galaxy’s most beloved species, known for their plucky demeanor and countless merchandising tie-ins. Be sure to cuddle your favorite Ewok plushie when reading this—you’re about to hear an adorable tale of war, revolution, genocide, and mass slaughter. Kneesaa After the Battle of Endor, Kneesaa became the new chief of Bright Tree Village, taking over from her father Chief Chirpa. This newfound power let her gain supreme authority over her fellow Ewoks. Modernization efforts from the New Republic helped her transform the whole moon into a high-tech Draconian police state, watching the Ewoks at every turn and incinerating them into fine dust if they ever stepped out of line. Literally 1984. Logray Logray became the leader of the Yub Nub Resistance, a volunteer guerrilla army designed to fight against Chief Kneesaa’s tyranny. The two sides fought a horribly bloody war with sticks, rocks, and blasters until almost no one on either side remained. No one else in the galaxy really cared, though. It was kind of cute seeing those little guys fighting, to be honest. Chirpa Chirpa trusted his daughter completely. After all, he’d been teaching her how to rule the right way for her whole life. What could she possibly mess up? He simply ignored news about vast suffering and unrest in his homeland as he soaked in some sun on a distant beach planet, working on the perfect golf swing. Teebo Teebo had no time for any of this. If he was going to die, it wouldn’t be in this war. So the proud Ewok left his post as Kneesaa’s trusted shaman and fled into safety and obscurity, taking a few hundred refugees with him. For many years, knowledge of their whereabouts never surfaced until a New Republic investigation revealed they had survived—they had started a remote commune on Kashyyyk and lived in peace and quiet ever since. Somehow, the Wookiees couldn’t tell the difference. Pommet Warrick Wicket, as one of the few survivors of the Great Ewok Civil War, raised his son in a much quieter Endor, which was now absolutely swamped in dead teddy bear corpses now. Despite this, Pommet lived a happy childhood, and felt inspired to do some fighting of his own after hearing about the heroes in the Resistance. And so the cycle of violence continued. Tomorrow we’ll be exploring a furry, forest-dwelling species who lived in tribal societies in the trees. ...Wait, are we just covering Ewoks again? Stay tuned.
  5. Why did he leave you Eugene
  6. EPISODE XXV: REVENGE OF THE BOUNTY HUNTERS There are too many bounty hunters in this world. We didn’t understand just how many people had bounties on their heads until we started this. But they are characters too, and with characters, there are stories. C-21 Highsinger C-21 Highsinger snagged the occasional bounty throughout the Empire’s rise and fall, but he was essentially the bargain bin pick compared to the big guys like Fett and Bane. Clients didn’t seem to want to hire someone who could only communicate in ones and zeroes. Frustrated at his lack of opportunities, Highsinger decided to broaden his line of expertise along with fellow bounty hunter Robo-Dengar. For a sizable fee, the duo would take care of any job you wanted—they were robotic jacks-of-all-trades. They had hoped they’d get to do lots of killing, but they only managed to find work painting hangars and fixing people’s HoloNet connections. How boring. Amanaman After Jabba’s empire collapsed, Amanaman managed to hightail it off of Tatooine, never looking back. Amanaman continued taking jobs into the New Republic era and slowly made a bigger name for himself. One day during a job, he came across the abandoned, regenerated Baby Bossk, all alone...what a tragedy. He decided to take the baby in and nurse the fallen bounty hunter back to health. Amanaman: father by day, and hunter by night. He has his work cut out for him now, to say the least. Although he bears some similarities to the creature, please do not mistake him for the giant yellow bird from Sesame Street, which does not exist in Star Wars. Fong Do One night, Fong got drunk with his fellow bounty buddies in level 1313 of the Coruscant Underworld. He heard a rumor passed around about a Sith Lord at the Outlander Club. Half of them thought it was a bad joke, while others thought there was truth to it, and were scared to find out. Fong Do told them he’d investigate this for himself, to which his buddies cheered him on. He sobered up and went out to the Outlander Club to investigate the claims. He was never seen again by anyone else afterwards. His mysterious fate has been the subject of many myths and legends among other bounty hunters, but most can agree someone, or something, killed him...perhaps there will be more to this story later in the season (cough). Djas Puhr Djas Puhr had seen it all. He’d watched Han Solo shoot Greedo, clear the bounty on his head, and beat the most powerful Hutt on Tatooine within the span of just a few years. So why wasn’t he just as famous? As the bounty hunter took a long walk to try and ponder this, as the scalding Tatooine suns shone, he felt his thoughts grow hotter and hotter until he could no longer think, and he dropped to the ground dead. Puhr somehow never considered the poor logistics of having a shiny, black head while living on a desert planet. Chata Hyoki & Robonino Following the knuckleheads’ arrest, Hyoki and Robonino plotted their grand escape from prison, Alcatraz style. The two thought their plan was pure genius and that it had no chance of failure. They tried to gather several other inmates for their plan, but they laughed it off, saying it will never work. However, much to their surprise, and by sheer luck, their plan did work. It was a plan so stupid nobody saw it coming. The two escaped and ran for the hills, never looking back. It’s rumored from here they contacted an identity eraser who relocated them and the two have been off the grid ever since. The duo are now idolized by their former inmates who laughed at them, with many attempting to remake their escape attempt to no avail. A terrible, terrible profession to pick up these days, as you can see. At least they aren't as evil as some of the guys we'll learn about tomorrow.
  7. https://spongebob.fandom.com/wiki/Incidental_118C its a knuckle bar bag ya british cigarette
  8. Even #43 himself ensured that his era of cartoons was the greatest to ever exist
  9. EPISODE XXIII: PIRATES Some people here on Earth believe a pirate’s life is for them. But they wouldn’t agree if they learned about the life of a space pirate. It’s a lot more gross, trust us. Kuimi Enissa Kuimi was once a member of the Lumini pirates, a proud gang of pillagers, plunderers, riflers, and looters. But a First Order attack devastated the clan, and all were slain except her. This didn’t stop Kuimi, though—joining the Resistance, she travelled to Ajan Kloss to help them take down their mutual enemy once and for all. But afterward, the ex-pirate felt directionless. There was nothing left to “resist” anymore with the Resistance, and returning to a life of crime didn’t feel right. To cope with the utter uselessness of her character, Kuimi decided to blast off into the Outer Rim to make a name for herself, to find the Bacta Tank of Youth or the Dead Man’s Camtono or something. Where is she now? No one really seemed to care. Goru Before the end of the Clone Wars, Goru had committed mutiny against Hondo yet again, coming to realize he was a weak leader. He took a handful of crew members with him to start his own pirate gang, but Hondo laughed and predicted they’d come crawling back in a week. Some time later when the Empire took over, Hondo’s group fell apart, much to Goru’s delight. He saw this as the perfect chance to become the dominant pirate crew in the new era, wanting to stick it to the new Empire. Unfortunately, his crew barely lasted long before it was quickly wiped out by the Empire, all dying in a fiery death. RIP. Parsel Parsel had gone the whole nine yards with Goru, spending his last days aboard a jolly Weequay sloop before its brutal incineration by an Executor-class Star Destroyer. But before his demise, he had done the deed that all pirates dream to do: bury his own treasure, deep within the dusty deserts of his home planet of Sriluur. It remained hidden for many years afterward, as people spun tales and fables of Parsel’s treasure while also having no clue where to look. After many years, a humble worker dug it up while running a mining operation on the planet for businessman Zeff Lezos. But Lezos would never see that money—the mysterious digger took their cache of money and drugs and vanished into the dunes, never to be seen again. Quiggold Quiggold, as he would say, was only “along for the ride.” He’d spent his early life as a junkie, addicted to death sticks on his home planet of Gabdor. This habit had nearly killed him before he was saved by Captain Sidon Ithano, to whom he now owed a life debt. Since then he had been the captain’s loyal first mate, serving with honor until that fateful day at Takodana Castle. He never saw Ithano again, who had abandoned him with a new first mate, Pru Sweevant (who would soon abandon him in turn). Feeling betrayed, Quiggold formed his own band of miscreants and travelled the galaxy in search of vengeance. It took many years, but soon, Sweevant and Quiggold reunited. But after so many years, Quiggold had forgotten why he was even mad in the first place. And so, claiming opposite sides of one ship, the Quiggold-Sweevant Gang set sail as one. Gwarm Due to the collapse of the Ohnaka Gang, Gwarm also ended up forming his own pirate crew to survive the Empire. Unlike Goru though, his crew was actually smart and plundered a prosperous life. Gwarm’s pirate gang are also the ones who shanghaied former Mos Eisley regular Jerriko into their service, managing to convince him while he was drunk. They all got a laugh out of never telling him how he truly ended up in their crew. Gwarm proved himself a remarkable captain, as the gang survived into the New Republic era. They even formed quite a fierce but respectable rivalry with Sidon Ithano’s crew, getting into quite a few ship battles. Tomorrow we’ll explore the lives of a class of one-timers with the Disney spirit. Interpret that how you will.
  10. SEASON III REVENGE OF THE ONE-TIMERS War! The Star Wars franchise is crumbling under the overabundance of underdeveloped characters. There are one-timers on both sides. Memes are everywhere. In a stunning move, the fiendish Disney CEO, Bob Iger, has announced a glut of new Star Wars series exclusive to Disney+, further ignoring the stories of these characters. As brand new Star Wars media attempts to pretend these characters never existed in the first place, jjs and OWM lead a desperate mission to give these one-timers justice.... EPISODE XXI: LEGO CHARACTERS We begin this season with something unorthodox: tales from the Lego universe. Scholars have debated if these characters are truly canon or worth including, but we are here to tell you their stories are as valid as everyone else’s. Jedi Bob Poor Bob was never quite the same after boarding that Republic gunship to Geonosis. The sight of his fallen comrades along with hordes of stinky dead Geonosians haunted him every waking moment, until he could no longer tolerate it. Turning in his lightsaber, Bob left the Jedi Order as the Clone Wars began to forge his own path in the galaxy. Hopping from universe to universe, he adopted countless different roles in countless different realities: a medieval knight, a scruffy pirate, an unspecified civilian driving a car. “Jedi” Bob was more than just that, of course. He had become an all-powerful entity, able to assume any role he pleased thanks to the powers of mysterious plastic blocks and a childish imagination. This, of course, made him the most powerful Jedi to ever exist. Oni Jass Oni Jass was a man of mysterious origins. Few even knew of his existence to begin with, and those who did described him as only “the individual.” No one seemed to agree on what he did for a living. But we at OTSWC know perfectly who he was: he was a big game galaxy hunter. You could catch him on Dathomir slaughtering the mightiest rancor he could find, just so he could rest its plucked teeth atop his trophy case, or on Twon Ketee spearing rahtars for his dinner. It’s even been said that he had bested a Zillo Beast on Malastare in an epic eighty-day battle. But a trophy hunter’s life does not sustain itself for long. After meeting his husband Hugh, he realized this life wasn’t for him anymore. They live a quiet life together now on a peaceful, uncharted planet. Growly Growly had quite the tough time fitting in on Corellia, often being mocked for having three eyes. But there was hidden potential deep inside the misunderstood, young lad. Due to his third eye, he was naturally gifted with maneuvering in a ship, a talent he would show off in street races. One day, a mysterious blue man approached Growly. He noticed the stranger had blazing red eyes and wore a fancy white Imperial outfit, but wasn’t quite sure who he was. Growly feared for a moment he was in trouble with the Empire, but on the contrary. The man was impressed with his talents after an informant alerted him of Growly’s flying capabilities and made him an offer of a lifetime. The man offered him a role in a mysterious organization known as the Chiss Ascendancy. Growly was never seen on Corellia again after that offer. Kinn Zih The people of Jakku always found Kinn to be an oddball on a planet filled with them. He had an extensive gun collection and many labeled him as a gun nut, but in truth, he was secretly an arms dealer. He made quite a living off of it, since Jakku didn’t have much else to offer. Some of his clients included: the Hutt Cartel, pirates, various other scum, and an infamous spice kingpin known as “The Danger”, who rose to prominence after Elan Sleazebaggano’s death. Kinn eventually amassed a fortune of credits and left Jakku, affording his own private home on the tropical planet of Sesid, living the good life. Jay Jay, Jo Jo, and Jee Jee Binks As Naboo’s first Senator, Jar Jar Binks met more Gungans than he could ever hope to comprehend. Staffers and well-wishers came pouring in to greet and thank him for his victory against the Trade Federation. But there was one alien he may have gotten a little too close with: Queen Julia of Bardotta. Yes, the Gungan statesman and the Bardottan royal defied physiology to create three little triplet freaks of nature. Their births led to “Jargate,” a political scandal sensationalized enough to strip their father of his position as Senator. While the triplets had otherwise normal childhoods on Naboo, they soon found their places in the world once they reached adulthood: Jay Jay relocated to her mother’s homeland of Bardotta, where, as the oldest, she soon inherited the title of Queen. You might think this would’ve brought Naboo and Bardotta closer together, but it just reminded everyone of those really awkward times. Expect the planet to overthrow her soon. Jo Jo felt the need to support his father, who was now working as a disgraced street clown on the streets of Theed. Mooching off Jay Jay’s lucrative business, he was able to buy a cheap freighter in order to take the act to the next stage. Keep your eyes peeled for “Jo Jo’s Circus,” a travelling show touring the Mid Rim later this fall. Jee Jee, who has somehow enabled the Binks family’s glorious return to public service, is now Supreme Glorious Minister of Naboo serving alongside Supreme Glorious Savior and Minister for the People Juan Juan Guaidó. Rumor has it that Jee Jee may be taking things over soon after a very convenient assassination. We hope you did your summer re-watches, because we continue our tales tomorrow with some characters from one of Star Wars' many series.
  11. S/O to the best Pokemon Basculin
  12. I awoke one brisk summer night in a cold sweat, thinking about this duo. They are instantly recognizable by their distinctive spin and sparkly, enduring charisma, and this is why the people love them so. But is this all the world will ever know of them? For many around the globe they are nothing but tools for their own amusement⁠—no one thinks to ask about why they spin, or what sacrifices they made to crawl their way to the top, or what kind of relationship they pursue when the cameras cease to roll. Hasn't anyone thought to look? When combined, the square and triangle form one unique shape, and yet it seems they are always referred to as different entities rather than one. The great Greek mathematician Euclid described complex manners of constructing this shape, called a pentagon, in his master work Elements. And yet the emphasis lies on combining the separate polygons into one. Why is this? I believe the square and the triangle are worshipped precisely because of what they represent: they may be weak and unremarkable on their own, but combined, they form such a beautiful shape in the pixels of the TV screen, standing proud and tall next to the similarly 3D house and bird. Perhaps this is something we can all learn from.
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