Wumbo

January 19, 2022

8 hours ago, HawkbitAlpha said:

As I said before, I hate to harp on this theme, but in the year of our Lord 2022, we need another rap song about violence, sex, materialism, and so on about as much as we need another country song about beer, ~~scarecrows~~ girls, and trucks. Both of them should be legally considered a type of grain. Now, I could probably cook up some sociological hypothesis for why this kind of rap music is what makes the biggest hits (in a nutshell: its core audience is a population for whom, much like the music, the process of getting anywhere has generally been slow as well), but that doesn't mean I would start liking it regardless.

you fucking serious with this shit dude lmfao

December 24, 2021

Mercury - Act 1

Wumbo's Review

Spoiler

Well, say this about this album… it’s not boring. I’m not entirely sure what it is, but it’s certainly not boring.

The whole reason I suggested we turn this one album review into an entire look at Imagine Dragons’ discography is so I could get some much-needed context to understand just what the hell was happening with this album. Because… oh boy, if there is any context to be gained from this endeavor, it is sorely needed. So what did I get? Well… all I can figure is that Imagine Dragons were tired of being called dull and bland. Because they try everything in their power to shed that label with this album. But rather than a cry of triumph, Mercury - Act 1 (please god let there be no Act 2) feels more like a cry for help than anything.

I mean it. All you have to do is look at these damn titles. “No Time for Toxic People”? Is Dan Reynolds subtweeting someone who dissed him on Instagram in a song title? Is this the future of rock and roll? “No Time for Toxic People”? Ay caramba.

But it goes beyond the song titles. More than a few of these songs sound like Dan Reynolds going through something bad, and, well, it’s the end of 2021 and we’re still in a pandemic, so I guess I can’t fault him if he is. But songs like “Cutthroat” have me deeply concerned more than anything. This is not Imagine Dragons. This is imaginedragons.exe has stopped working, abort the mission and turn off your computer. When I said this album got interesting, it was in all the worst ways. This was a lead single. I know, I know, I say that every time now, but this one really has no business being released in general, let alone as a single. It’s certainly not catchy, or listenable, or anything that would make anyone want to check out the band further. All I can figure is that releasing this as your co-lead single is a statement that, once again, reads as a cry for help rather than the assumed roar of triumph.

And you just make your way through the album and in even the somewhat normal-sounding songs there’s this undercurrent of uneasiness. Dan Reynolds does not sound happy and the album certainly isn’t happy even when it tries for the facade. The song “Monday” is probably the happiest the album has to offer, yet it still equates a love with the universally acknowledged worst day of the week!

So, how to rank and rate this album? I guess I can give it credit for trying something new and getting across some real, if uncomfortable, emotion. That alone should probably rank it above the last two albums for me. But man, this is something that definitely did not pan out in practice. It’s a colossal mess of an album and it’s borderline unlistenable. And even though I always maintain that boring is the worst you can be, I gotta draw a line somewhere. And it’s here. This album is not to be listened to, or admired. It is to be viewed as a cautionary tale. If you’re going to break the mold of indie rock and try something new, you still need to make sure you’re putting out good product. Otherwise, you get Mercury - Act 1. And with that, my play is over.

Rating: 2/10

“Best” Track: “Dull Knives”

Clappy's Review

Spoiler

I…I don’t know what to say.

One thing is for certain. Imagine Dragons certainly listened to the backlash. I can for sure say that this album absolutely is not boring. So that’s already one step in the right direction. But what we got is…okay I know this is going to sound really fucking weird, but Wumbo said this in our chat and it stuck with me. This is if “The Room” was made into an album.

Literally not one song sounds like the next. There are some utterly bizarre production style choices and approaches on how to perform some of these songs that absolutely had me laughing. And some of these tracks are just way too out utterly bizarre for me to take seriously. I thought we all agreed with Garfield that Monday’s are the worst day of the week, yet here’s Dan Reynolds not only singing happily about his girl but says she’s his Monday. What sort of backhanded compliment is this? Wumbo also pointed out “No Time For Toxic People”, which yes that’s Dan’s okay boomer moment right there. But on another song, “#1”, we have Dan singing about how he needs his safe space. Is most of this album just Dan looking through his social media apps? Is this what he did during his hiatus? How do you do fellow kids!?

But that’s not all. This track listing is just baffling levels of bad. They have a self empowerment anthem called “It’s Okay” (How many more times are we going to overuse this song title!?) only to have it followed up with a track called “Dull Knives”. Way to read the room guys. And wait there’s more. You have like four tracks about how Dan is coping with his depression back to back to back to back, only for that to be followed up by the single “Follow You”, which is about how he’s clearly just going to stalk this girl who broke his heart (or at least that’s my impression). And clearly Dan is positive that all this stalking will win her over because he states on the album closer that “one day, he’ll be that one thing that makes her happy”. That’s nice, how’s your sex life Dan?

As amusing and fascinating as so many of these songs are, make no mistake. Like a good 90% of these songs that I’ve mentioned are absolutely god awful. Which amazes me because a good portion of this album is executive produced by the legendary Rick Rubin. I refuse to believe that Rubin had any involvement in this because so much of this sounds like ass. And I haven’t even gotten to the most “ass sounding” song on this album, “Cutthroat”, which Rubin produced solely. Which remember when I called “I Bet My Life” the worst song Imagine Dragons has ever recorded? This might be a really close second. It would be first if I didn’t think this was done on purpose to make it as unlistenable as humanly possible. But you know what’s the most shocking thing of all? THIS was the co-lead single along with “Follow You”. What does that even say about your album that you have the clearly radio safe “Follow You” and all of its stupid humming and faux quirky mannerisms as a co-lead single with this fucking atrocity?

As stated above, Dan Reynolds was dealing with depression for a good couple years between albums and if this album was cathartic for him to find happiness again, I hope it provided him some a dose of seratonin. Because I do have to admit this was a real raw look into his emotions more so than ever before. But it’s abundantly clear that translating all this into an album experience was another thing entirely and this seriously did not work the way he probably thought it would. The only song that came remotely close to making it work was “Wrecked”, which I do legitimately think is the best single they’ve had in years. But that’s legitimately the only song I liked in a not remotely funny way.

I seriously had no clue what to expect when this project first started and I still have no clue how to comprehend this album. Like I would not be surprised to see this being viewed as a career killing album down the line. Maybe I’ll be wrong. After all, Imagine Dragons seem to be doing well for themselves on the alternative charts even if their Hot 100 hit parade days seem to be behind them. But if this is the first act, I really don’t see how we could possibly be getting a second or third one of these. Because listening to this was like listening to a band who has no real direction anymore and are just grasping for straws at this point.

Strangely enough, I do think people should check this album out if they are morbidly curious like myself. Believe it or not, this will be one of the more memorable albums I checked out this year. Just not for any remotely good reason.

Rating: 3/10

Best: “Wrecked”

Worst: “#1”, “Giants”, “It’s Ok”, “Follow You”, “Cutthroat”, “No Time For Toxic People”, “One Day”

Comedy Hour: “Monday”, “Dull Knives”, “Follow You”, “No Time For Toxic People”, “One Day”

*Yeah I know, this got the same score as the last two albums, but make no mistake. This might be the worst album they’ve ever done just because you can’t help but feel sorry for this band attempting to try again and churning out…well, this.

December 23, 2021

Origins

Wumbo's Review

Spoiler

If you had some semblance of optimism left after Evolve and thought it was just a blip on the radar and Imagine Dragons would return to their roots and make the music we all know and love (?) from them, well… Origins is not going to provide you with the happiest of news, no.

I tell ya, five songs in, I was ready to write this album off entirely. It sounded like a dulled version of Evolve, which, the only thing that album had going for it was its risk-taking which only occasionally paid off, but still. It’s better than sitting through what is essentially the same song over and over again punctuated by Dan Reynolds’ awful, awful whine. I’m sorry, I'm sure he’s a nice guy, but he needs to know and exercise his limits as a singer. What he’s doing on songs like “Natural” are not good. Speaking of which, let’s talk about “Natural”, one of the worst songs on the album and, again, inexplicably the lead single. I guess it’s one of the most explosive songs on the album, so it makes some sense, but a big screechy voice doesn’t make for a good song. (Has it ever?) And this song is certainly a stinking turd right down to its core, and actually sets the tone for much of the album. Because you see, this album is about revolution, and changing the world around you. Or at least it would be if it wasn’t so samey-sounding and inoffensive. Again, except for that fucking voice. If your only weapon to stand out in a crowd is a voice that rivals Chad Kroeger’s for obnoxiousness, maybe you need to try something different!

But anyway, “Natural”. The whole song comes off as a diss track to… somebody, I’m sure, probably the entire cold world that everyone lives in. Whatever. I guess the point of this song is it sounds cold, and detached, and unlistenable? Again, great choice for a lead single! The worst songs on the album are like this, Imagine Dragons trying to convince you that they’re not another cog in the machine, maaaan, and they’re gonna stand up and revolutionize the system, and the way rock music works! All while sounding like the most cookie-cutter, nameless band imaginable. Okay, I take it back for one song. “Digital” is actually so kooky it kind of works. But most of the album is a pain to get through. At least Evolve was intentionally meaningless, and not trying to hook you in with clichéd platitudes about revolution in its boring music.

Is this a worse album than Evolve? I dunno, man. It’s certainly not markedly better. If anything, it’s just duller. Most of the songs register as a four or five out of ten and it’s an unmemorable listening experience at the end of the day. Pick your poison. Do you want a dull album that very occasionally impresses and semi-occasionally infuriates? Or a dull album with even less of a sway one way or the other? Whatever, give this bad album the same bad score. I’ll tell you this - this deep dive sure wouldn't have prepared me for what came next. So I guess this whole thing was pointless, except you get to watch the two of us suffer. Yay!

Rating: 4/10

Best Tracks: “Zero” (not joking), “Digital”

Clappy's Review

Spoiler

I so badly just want to say, really? What’s the point of reviewing an album that doesn’t care about itself as much as either of us do? Then just tack on a score, share the best and worst songs, and just move on to the new album that Jjs wants to hear us talking about for his Christmas gift. But alas, here we go. Talking about Origins. Origin of what? Sucking?

No seriously. I just sat here staring at the screen of my iPad wondering what the fuck to even talk about with this album here. I mean this album was proof that maybe nobody truly gave a shit about that last album. Including the band themselves. Because they are coming off their most commercially successful year racking up four huge hits, including the tacked on lead single to this album, a successful tour year apparently, and huge cross-merchandising deals with even more major companies (shocker I know).

But with all that fame and glory, comes the skeptics. The more famous you get, the more people start to notice you and this was around the same time most of the backlash started to come out in full force. Especially after Imagine Dragons spectacularly bombed a college football halftime show. Where people on social media started questioning what do Imagine Dragon fans even look like.

Now I know I’m getting my timelines a little mixed up here, but all these results tie in around this album release, where the album underperformed in many ways. Not nearly as well in sales and in hit singles. So that begs the question. What the fuck is the point of this album to begin with?

Seriously. This project we are doing has admittedly helped me get better recognizing at least context and themes when it comes to fully critiquing albums. And I couldn’t even begin to fucking tell you what Dan Reynolds and company were trying to contextualize with this album. At least that last album, for as bad as that was, I could tell it was them trying to rack up the hit parade. Were they trying to do that again here? Because at least the hits from that last album actually had some sort of oomph to them. They had hooks and memorable choruses and elements that tried to get a reaction out of you.

Here? Just barely. Let’s talk about some of them. First you’ve got the big hit “Natural”, which sounds supremely unnatural. Hey Dan, scream shouting is not singing. Thanks. Otherwise, this isn’t nearly as forceful as “Radioactive”…the song that the Dragons are clearly trying to emulate. It doesn’t matter how many times they try to remake the success of that song. The point that they keep missing is that the former is a song that sounds like it’s about the nuclear apocalypse. That was a creative thought. Something this band has forgotten up to this point. But who cares, they got the ESPN deal out of it. So what else?

Speaking of Disney subsidiaries, Imagine Dragons made a soundtrack hit for the Disney classic, “Ralph Breaks the Internet”. And dear god this is the most phoned in crossover song Imagine Dragons has ever done. I guess this is them trying to make a self-empowerment anthem because those always sell. Well let me give you a heads up Dan. Calling yourself a zero doesn’t retroactively make somebody else feel special about themselves. This isn’t even empowering to you, thus who the fuck is this even for?

Yet that isn’t even the worst of the singles. That honor goes to “Machine”. Hearing Dan Reynolds screech that he’s not a part of the system is such a fucking joke when Imagine Dragons has been one of the biggest cogs in the commercialization of rock music for up to five years at this point. Get the fuck out of here with your faux fight the power cookie cutter crap.

Honestly the only single that I actually liked was “Bad Liar”. A song about Dan Reynolds separation from his ex-wife and you know what, that is one of the few songs on here that has any sort of legitimate passion. But even with that, I can still see the commercials or movie trailer fodder this song could be utilized for. Can’t have an Imagine Dragons single without that….haha fuck off.

Sorry that this review is so rambling and incohesive, but that’s perfect for this album. The structure makes no fucking sense and even with topic matters like separation and loneliness like above, the only topic on this album that has any sort of passion put into it. They are few and far between clearly what are Evolve rejects. After all, Dan Reynolds has said this is the sister album to that album. Fitting. Because they are both on the opposite spectrums of bad. I keep going back and forth which is worse, so I’m just going to cop out and say it depends on what sort of mood I’m in. Evolve sounds worse when it comes to music style and sound. Origins is as dull as watching paint dry. Both have their few highlights but they aren’t worth the listen in their entirety.

Rating: 3/10

Best: “Bad Liar”, “Real Life”

Worst: “Natural”, “Machine”, “Zero”, “Love”

December 22, 2021

Evolve (2017)

Wumbo's Review

Spoiler

"Good" news: I do not like Evolve! It's pretty bad! Bad news: It's bad! This album sucks! Why did anyone listen to it?

Okay, so what this album sounds like to me is Imagine Dragons simultaneously trying to keep up with the times and try something new to stand out from the crowd, and neither work. Imagine Dragons are who they are - a radio-friendly pop-rock band with an occasional song that has more effort put into it that makes you pause and say "hmm, that was actually pretty good". There are still two examples here - "Whatever It Takes", which has an impactful chorus if only to blunt the "WHIP WHIP" thing in the pre-chorus (which is at least funny rather than infuriating). The second one, "Mouth of the River", is an excellent song that is far and away the best on the album, up there with some of Night Visions' best.

But the bad stuff… oh boy, dear god.

Let's start with the choices for the two lead singles: "Believer" and "Thunder". "Believer" I guess makes sense in theory as it kind of sounds like this pump-up anthem if it was actually really badly done and sung by a castrated donkey doing a Chad Kroeger impression. But all I remember is hearing this song for the first time and thinking "Huh. So this is what Imagine Dragons are like now. Well, this sucks." It had me so far removed from the Night Visions era that I could barely remember a time when Imagine Dragons were good at that point.

And then there's "Thunder". Oh god, we need to talk about "Thunder".

When this song came out, I think my first reaction was "this is stupid" and not much more. "Believer" had jaded me so much to Imagine Dragons that I barely even cared at that point. Sure, it was an annoying-sounding chorus, but was it really much worse than most of the bad shit on the radio? Probably not, who cares, it'll pass by like most songs do.

…

It's been four years and this song is fucking terrible.

Terrible in a profoundly baffling, confounding sort of way, like… why was this made. What were you trying to do. Okay, we know what they were trying to do, get an earworm that would cause people to pay attention, but… like this?! This isn't an earworm, it's a tapeworm, eating away at you until there's nothing left. "Thunder" offers nothing positive. This is not a song to listen to for any reason other than "fuck me, maybe if I listen to it one more time to finish it'll finally leave my head". Fuck. That.

*sigh* Okay, and then we get to the less offensive songs simply by lack of airplay: "Yesterday" and "Dancing in the Dark". "Yesterday" is the song I'd be willing to play devil's advocate for here if only because it is so unabashed in how awful it is. Like, there's no tease, there's no buildup to a sucky chorus, it just hits you over the head right away. Listening to this album has made me appreciate that sort of thing. "Dancing in the Dark" is disappointing because it's the last song on the album and man, what a fucking whimper to go out on. They could have chosen anything to end their big comeback album and their choice is a clusterfuck of radiating noise that can only be described as "experimental" by the most generous reviewer? You're not James Blake, Dan. Knock this shit off.

Beyond that… the album is mostly mediocre. Like I said, it's a combination of trying new things to obviously mixed results, and blending in. And the blending in just doesn't register anything with me whatsoever, other than maybe "This Dan Reynolds guy sounds a bit shrill." Overall, a colossal disappointment and a massive step back from Smoke + Mirrors, where they sounded mostly in their element. Here is a band stumbling and struggling to stay relevant. And commercial success doesn't equal critical success, as Imagine Dragons soon found out. This is around where the "Nickelback of the 2010s" comparisons started to come into fruition. Just an annoyance of a band that seemed to linger around with bad song after bad song. Not always warranted, but I can see how "Believer" and "Thunder" would leave a bad taste in anyone's mouth, as it did mine. Ugh. Talk about a misnomer for an album title.

Rating: 4/10

Best Tracks: "Whatever It Takes", "Mouth of the River"

Clappy's Review

Spoiler

Evolve. The de-evolution of music.

What a stupid title for one of the stupidest albums I’ve come across in quite some time. I didn’t know it was possible to sellout your artistic integrity after only two albums, but my god did Imagine Dragons do just that. Yeah color me surprised that the band that has had their music appear in movie trailers, car commercials, tv shows, and every other advertisement possible; but this is a sellout in every possible sense and shape.

Like nearly every track I listened to, I zoned out and pictured some sort of product being attached to the song like a laptop, a smartphone, the new season of Grey’s Anatomy. You name it, Imagine Dragons has you with their trailer fodder of an album. But does that necessarily mean it’s a bad alb-

Yes. This is pretty fucking bad. Where to even start? “Believer” has made past worst of the year lists of mine, so I’m not going to acknowledge a song that has not gotten any better over the course of time. “Thunder” should have made a worst list in hindsight and I’m sorry it never did. Talk about a song sounding dated in only three years. Christ, what in the nine hells does Dan Reynolds sound like that!? And what is so thunderous about fucking chipmunk vocals and whatever the fuck this production is!? Get it out of my speakers!

At least “Whatever It Takes” is still pretty damn good. That should have made a best hit of the year list in hindsight. Or maybe I’m just saying that because it is surrounded by putrid piles of shit. Okay that’s not completely fair either because there is one other truly excellent song on here in “Mouth of the River”. And I can admit that this song stands up with some of their best. Like I might say this is a top five song in their entire discography.

But everything else is damn near hollow and soulless like Imagine Dragons is just waiting for Apple, Google, Dell, any car dealership, etc, to call them and ask for advertisement rights. Like I can’t tell you the difference between “Rise Up” or “I’ll Make It Up to You” or “I Don’t Know Why”.…honestly outside of production choices, what’s the difference? Maybe that’s why “Next to Me” might be the worst song of them all out of this bunch. Besides Dan Reynolds sounding absolutely bored on the chorus more so than usual, I can tell within seconds that this is why I hate how absolutely uninteresting Imagine Dragons have become.

Okay that’s not entirely fair. There is one spectacularly bad song on here that I actually kind of adore. Like this is the one song on the album that I can’t see any corporate company wanting to use to shill any product. That song is called “Yesterday”. Have you ever wanted to see Imagine Dragons try to be Queen while an organ keeps playing the same two to three keys over and over again? Or better yet, have kazoos sporadically appear for no fucking reason? Well boy, do I have a song for you all to listen to!

Otherwise, hard fucking pass.

Rating: 3/10

Best: “Whatever It Takes”, “Mouth of the River”

Worst: “Next to Me”, “Believer”, “Thunder”

Fascinating: “Yesterday”

December 21, 2021

Smoke + Mirrors (2015)

Wumbo's Review

Spoiler

So, this is actually a really good album, and I like it a lot.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrEJ0ccLDII

God damn it. This was not what I was expecting. This is the "I Bet My Life" album! "I Bet My Life"! By a large percentage, the worst Imagine Dragons song! This album is an improvement on the first one? What am I supposed to do from here??

Well, talk about it, I guess. While Night Visions is good, you could make the argument that even its best songs are a bit generic. They're probably still the best Imagine Dragons has ever come up with, but they don't really paint a vivid picture of Imagine Dragons as a band. This album feels very Imagine Dragons, but in the best possible way. It's the best iteration of their sound we've come to expect from them.

Yeah, it's a little more pop than their last album, but you know me, pop is not a dirty word. And as long as it's done well, I can definitely find it in myself to appreciate it. The majority of these songs are well crafted and even emotional at points! And even the ones that aren't, I can at least tell that they're trying to craft a sound that belongs to them. Except "I Bet My Life", that song still sucks and was the one I was dreading most. It's such an insipid, annoying excuse for a song that offers nothing to the listener except a headache. Imagine Dragons have a few songs like this, but this is the most glaring example to me, with that ear-wrenching chorus.

But some of them work really well, surprisingly so! There's this Mumford & Sons-esque track called "Trouble" where they actually do a better version of Mumford & Sons than most actual Mumford & Sons songs. There's this absolutely nuts track called "Friction" that may have replaced "Radioactive" as my guiltiest pleasure of theirs. And a few others that are just nice songs that still capture the "spirit" of what Imagine Dragons are all about! I think this album, save for… that song, has been a bit lost to time, but if you are genuinely curious what a good Imagine Dragons might sound like and you haven't heard this album yet… check it out! I'm not kidding.

Please don't make me like Evolve

Rating: 8/10

Best Tracks: "Smoke and Mirrors", "Dream", "Trouble", "Summer"

Clappy's Review

Spoiler

Time for some blunt honesty here. I wrote this album off for the longest time. When I first heard this back in 2015, I was colossally disappointed. Mostly due to the singles, which I hated each and every one of them. “Shots” felt like adult alternative radio fluff and “Gold” felt like them trying to replicate the experimentation of “Radioactive” and failing miserably. But both of them are better in comparison to the god awful atrocity that is “I Bet My Life”…you know what that’s too nice. Radio white noise…nah still too nice. The empty vessel of hollow nothing…that’ll do. I don’t know if this opinion will ever change, but “I Bet My Life” is the worst song that Imagine Dragons has ever recorded. I mean I’ll be shocked if they release something worse than this. It’s just fucking horrendous in every element of making music.

Look I can write an entire thinkpiece about how bad that song is, but that will be tiring to go through. My point of highlighting the bad singles was that they left a bad impression on me to the point that I let it clout my judgment as I listened to the rest of the album the only other time. And back then, to me, it felt like every track was a half-assed ripoffs of other songs from Night Visions or “I Bet My Life Part 2” or “I Bet My Life Part 3”. This is admittedly not a good way to listen to an album. Letting yourself have predetermined opinions on it from their singles as well as letting them clout your better judgment is not giving a fair shake. I’ve gotten better about doing that as time went on, but I can’t think of a more prime example of me letting by better judgment get the best of me than Smoke + Mirrors. So I’m glad to give it a second chance.

…and I’m glad I did because this album is perfectly fine. Not as good as Night Visions to me, but this was better than I remembered it to be. Make no mistake, the singles are still awful. Outside of the titular track, the other five songs are a chore to get through. But once we get through those slogs, something amazing happens. The album comes to life. It all starts at “Friction”, which is a song so inexplicably weird to the point that I just fucking love it. It’s like a shot of adrenaline and quickly became added my to my workout playlist due to being that big of a banger. From that point forward, I started to get what Imagine Dragons were aiming to do here. For this one album, they are trying to take on arena rock. Which hell, I’m all for that. Imagine Dragons are a band based from Las Vegas and that city is well known for being a spectacle in itself that comes alive at night, I can absolutely see some of these songs going off at a a live concert experience.

You know who else became an arena rock band, except later in their careers? Coldplay. And you know what, I heavily like that era of Coldplay and some of these songs are very similar to later era Coldplay. Like I can picture Dan Reynolds trying to be Chris Martin belting out some of these admittedly corny, but charmingly endearing ballads.

So yeah, I was pleasantly surprised by this album. Sure you’ll have to get through a somewhat dull and tedious first third of the album, but I’m certain you all will like the other 66%. Damn pleasant surprise this was.

Rating: 7/10

Best: “Smoke + Mirrors”, “Friction”, “Trouble”, “Summer”, “Hopeless Opus”, “The Fall”

Worst: “Shots”, “Gold”, and of course….”AAAAAHHHHH AAAAHHH BET MY LIFE”

December 20, 2021

It begins...

Night Visions (2012)

Wumbo's Review

Spoiler

Imagine Dragons' debut album came out at a time when "indie" rock was making a huge comeback in the mainstream, thanks in part to Glee. It made sense at the time. Anyway, I remember liking Imagine Dragons fair enough when they debuted. "It's Time" was a big inspirational-sounding anthem, "Radioactive" was and is still hilarious, and "Demons" was "Demons". But in starting this project, I knew I would have to re-evaluate Imagine Dragons from the very beginning, and see if their oldest work still holds up nearly ten years later. And you know what? In a few of these songs, they actually do sound like a real band!

Faint praise, I know, but I'll let you in on a little secret: the "indie" rock problems do not begin nor do they end with Imagine Dragons. There are so many bands in the past decade that have sounded like garbled, overly corporate mush that says nothing and makes you feel nothing. I'm talking about shit like Cage the Elephant, whose only musical idea in the past seven years appears to have been "slather my voice in reverb and hope that distracts from the fact that I can't actually sing". Seriously, listen to this song. What am I supposed to feel during this? Nothing, because it's a shitty song that sucks and only serves to eat up airplay on the radio and GOD DAMN IT WHY IS EVERY ROCK STATION LIKE THIS NOW AND- *deep breath*

Anyway, Imagine Dragons are kind of bad in a different way than most "indie" rock bands are, which is that performance-wise, they try way too hard. But in a way, it makes them weirdly endearing, and while I've certainly ribbed them in the past, I do have a grudging admiration for the gusto that Dan Reynolds has in his voice and performance. And if you put good music and good ideas behind it, you can actually get something that's worthwhile and emotional. That's what we got for a few of the songs in Night Visions. "Tiptoe" and "Hear Me" in particular were pleasant surprises, quite possibly the band's best songs I've heard thus far. ("Hear Me" was also apparently a single too, news to me.) They really unlock the potential for what this band could have been, and the first few singles do that too. While "Radioactive" feels like a punchline to me now, you can't deny the grandiosity and immensity of the song. "It's Time" is still a great lead single and a good introduction to the band. "Demons" sucks, but it doesn't suck in a way that signals the kind of troubling path Imagine Dragons went down as a band.

No, the single that bothers me the most here is "On Top of the World". This is a commercial-bait song without any bite or edge whatsoever. It should not be a song that any self-respecting rock group records. And yet, here it is, on their first album. Like I said, I could almost mistake Imagine Dragons for a real rock band with this album, but it's songs like that and "Underdog" that undermine my confidence in doing so. It looks like the seeds were planted from the beginning. Now it's just a matter of seeing how bad it gets. But Night Visions as a whole? It's not bad.

Rating: 7/10

Best Tracks: "Tiptoe", "It's Time", "Hear Me", "Bleeding Out"

Clappy's Review

Spoiler

So back in 2012, I found this album from this, at the time, relatively unknown band I heard from the soundtrack of “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” performing their first hit “It’s Time”. You now know them as Imagine Dragons. Who would have thought this band would become one of the defining rock bands of the past ten years? Certainly not me and that was before their follow-up single “Radioactive” became one of the longest running chart singles of all-time.

After one listen, I found myself thinking that there is something to these guys because outside of one song, I absolutely loved every single song on this album. It quickly became one of my favorite albums that I kept listening to on repeat over and over again. I thought to myself, “Boy I can’t wait to see where these guys go from here!”

…clearly I was dead wrong about how I forecasted their future. Look I’m not going to sit here and preach to you about how their career trajectory turned out, but I will say this. These guys are more influential than I realized on the sound of modern alternative rock. Wumbo pointed out above about Cage the Elephant, but that is only one of the MANY bands that are producing this overly corporatized commercialized garbage. Not too threatening to place in an advertisement, but way too watered down that any sort of meaning is immediately hammered out of it.

I say this now because I haven’t revisited “Night Visions” in a really long time ever since my positive feelings towards Imagine Dragons went straight out the window in the last seven or so years ago. Once Wumbo suggested we take this career dive one step further than their recent album, my immediate thought was, “Please let me still like Night Visions.”

And after relistening to it, I still think this is an excellent album. When only a few songs have soured on me in the very long time since listening to Night Visions, I’d say that holds up pretty well. You can tell throughout this album in particular that they have a defined sound and ideas and not trying to sell Apple’s latest iPhone. I mean you guys know the good singles mentioned above, but these deep cuts are actually really wonderful. I’m surprised “Tiptoe” in particular never got a single push because I could have seen this being a legitimate hit if the studio executive wanted to push it.

But let’s talk about the one song that I have always hated from this album, “Demons”. It was terrible back in 2012 and still is terrible now. By a country mile, the worst song from this album and one of the worst in their entire discography. That being said, “Demons” is the song that has influenced this band’s career trajectory. Every soulless meaningless hollow piece of trash that Imagine Dragons has released since feels partially inspired by this one song. Like it or not, “Demons” will probably be this act’s career defining song. And after noticing that years ago, it has made me sour on songs like “On Top of the World”. Which I’ve heard god knows how many times over the years for movie trailers, car commercials, etc. The first time listening to this, I thought “this is cute and happy go lucky”. Now, I never want to hear it ever again.

But I’ll still go up to bat for this album. It’s still a really good listen and worth checking out if you want to see what Imagine Dragons vision was for themselves before they started to sell themselves out to corporate America.

Rating: 8/10

Best: “Radioactive”, “Tiptoe”, “It’s Time”, “Amsterdam”, “Hear Me”, “Every Night”

Worst: “Demons”…..duh

December 12, 2021

Hi everyone! Wumbo and Clappy here to present to you a Christmas present of horrendous proportions. You see, this all started when we learned beloved administrator jjsthekid had a dream that the two of us had reviewed Imagine Dragons' latest album. We decided to make that dream a reality and review it just for him. But when we listened to the album, we decided it was such an... experience that we needed further context. Enter this new Imagine Dragons project, where we will be reviewing all five of their full-length albums and once and for all answering the question: Who are Imagine Dragons, anyway? A generic, bland, rock-adjacent pop band? The confused ramblings of Dan Reynolds set to "music"? A forgotten gem? Maybe not that last one. But maybe something in between! So, starting December 20th and ending December 24th, we will try our best to piece together the career trajectory of Imagine Dragons, one album at a time. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!

August 6, 2021

July 27, 2021

Spoiler

2. "I gotta drum up a marching band fast! Drum... ha ha... band humor."

Band Geeks - 331 points

20 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #2 - @4EverGreen, @NegiSpongie, @SpongeOddFan, and @dmandagiraffe

2019 Ranking: #1 (-1)

Season 2, written by C.H. Greenblatt, Aaron Springer, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: Squidward starts up a marching band to perform at the Bubble Bowl.

The other episode which seems it's been a fan favourite ever since its inception. And you know what? I can't blame anybody for it. This is a damn good episode no matter how you look at it, and it has quite possibly the most endearing and enduring moment of SpongeBob ever. Squidward finally wins. I've talked before about how Squidward abuse is a common form of discourse when discussing the series, and may be missing the point of the series entirely, which is that Squidward's job, generally, is to get crapped on. But no matter where you fall on the debate, you can't deny that it's great to see Squidward win as well, especially in such spectacular fashion with an epic song. People were mad that SpongeBob, and Stephen Hillenburg, didn't get as much of a shout-out during Super Bowl 2019 as some people apparently felt they were owed. Honestly, I think people just wanted to hear the "Band Geeks" song. You can't really blame 'em.

But this episode is so much more than one song, and one moment. It's chock-full of great character moments and jokes by bringing the whole town together to unite toward one goal. I love all the various ways townsfolk of every shape and size contribute to the band (the Plankton harmonica joke is still a classic). This is an episode which feels epic; it could easily be a season or even series finale. It's not hard to see how it's resonated so well with people, even after all this time. Fantastic. Sweet victory indeed.

Spoiler

1. "You had to kill him. The boy cries ya a sweater of tears... and ya kill him. How are you gonna live with yourself?"

Dying for Pie - 363 points

22 of 30 lists. 4 #1 votes - @Wumbo, @Katniss, @ForgottenOne, & @Bob Carotte

2019 Ranking: #2 (+1)

Season 2, written by Aaron Springer, C.H. Greenblatt, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: Squidward accidentally gifts SpongeBob a bomb shaped like a pie.

Well, it took a decade, but at long last the CORRECT #1 episode takes its throne! "Dying for Pie" has been my favourite episode for quite some time now, and I've gushed about it so many times it's difficult to find new things to say about it. This is the greatest Squidward/SpongeBob story in existence. It's funny, heartwarming, tragic, and exciting. Squidward's shown that he really does have a heart underneath it all, but this is the episode where he really shows off how much he can care. The pie as a representation of Squidward's callousness on Employee Brotherhood day is great. I love Mr. Krabs' reaction to its explosion and when SpongeBob has allegedly eaten it. This is also an episode with a ton of great faces, much like "Just One Bite". You may have seen this image before:

"Dying for Pie" is the perfect blend of heart and humour, and always will be. It manages to be one of the funniest and one of the most touching episodes at the same time, which is very difficult to do! But the writers know when to get laughs, and when to slow things down to let the mood of the plot sink in. This is an episode where our favourite yellow friend might die. Of course he won't, but that doesn't mean we can't treat the situation with gravitas where needed. And of course, when you get to the big reveal - SpongeBob doesn't explode - it leads to the funniest moment of the show, with great banter between Squidward and SpongeBob. I marvel at the wit in the "explosion" debate, particularly when Squidward "explodes" at SpongeBob and SpongeBob commends him on it. Man, I've said enough about this episode over the years. I'm just happy it's finally reached that coveted #1 position, and I'm happy to have hosted the Top 50 list once again. Until next time!

July 26, 2021

Spoiler

4. "Remember, no employee wants to be a Squidward!"

Krusty Krab Training Video - 266 points

14 of 30 lists. 3 #1 votes - @Less_SpongeBob, @CDCB, & @JCM

2019 Ranking: #5 (+1)

Season 3, written by Aaron Springer, C.H. Greenblatt, and Kent Osborne

Plot: An instructional video takes us through the ins and outs of the Krusty Krab.

Man, what can you even say about "Krusty Krab Training Video" at this point? Easily the most creative and innovative episode the show has ever done. It's also hilarious from start to finish - a delight whenever it comes on the screen. I really admire the writers for taking such an offbeat concept when it comes to the show and running with it. There has never been an episode even remotely close to "Krusty Krab Training Video" (except "Boat Smarts" but that one sucks) and there probably will never be. It is impossible to replicate the magic that this episode produces. Everything is perfect, but what really ties it all together is the tone of the narrator as he delivers his deadpan lines. Hilarious stuff. Ace performance the whole way through. Everyone knows how great this episode is, that's why it always appears high on these lists. Just go back and watch it again if you're unconvinced. It is a masterpiece.

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3. "You rub it on your skin, and it makes you live forever!"

Chocolate with Nuts - 328 points

21 of 30 lists. 3 #1 votes - @NegiSpongie, @SpongeOddFan, & @dmandagiraffe

2019 Ranking: #3 (=)

Season 3, written by Paul Tibbitt, Kaz, Kent Osborne, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: SpongeBob and Patrick sell chocolate bars.

The Top 4 is pretty predictable at this point, with beloved episodes making their rounds again. So here's "Chocolate with Nuts", an episode that feels like one of two permanent fan favourites. And it's hard not to see why when you re-watch the episode and see just how many funny moments they were able to squeeze into this premise. Helping SpongeBob and Patrick out along the way are the various townsfolk they meet door to door, particularly Tom, the shady salesman, and Mary and her mother, but everyone seems to get at least one great moment. Memorable one-liners like "BACK UP JACK" from Incidental 37B keeps the episode going. I love the determined nature of SpongeBob as he tries in vain to find ways to sell candy bars. Finally, "It's my only night to be fancy!" is one of the funniest and saddest Squidward lines ever. It's just enjoyable throughout, a real crowd pleaser with a sweet tooth.

July 25, 2021

Spoiler

6. "That's it! Squidward, this ship belongs to the Red Baron!"

Shanghaied - 249 points

14 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @hippythehippo

2019 Ranking: #6 (=)

Season 2, written by Aaron Springer, C.H. Greenblatt, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward board The Flying Dutchman's ship.

The Flying Dutchman is such an exciting character, and after his first arrival in "Scaredy Pants", it seemed only natural we should eventually dedicate an episode to exploring his ship. SpongeBob and Patrick definitely bring the laughs throughout with their constant annoyance of Squidward and the Dutchman alike. And the atmosphere of the Dutchman's ship is so cool and creepy; I love how everything glows in that green, ghostly light like he does. Another notable thing about this episode is that it has three separate endings, each of which are hilarious in their own way. The one that gets commonly shown is the SpongeBob ending, but my favourite is the simplicity and stupidity of Squidward's ending. An action-packed, fun episode that frequently finds its place in the Top 10, and for good reason. It earns every minute of its elongated screentime.

Spoiler

5. "Two giant paint bubbles!"

Wet Painters - 259 points

15 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @kev

2019 Ranking: #9 (+4)

Season 3, written by C.H. Greenblatt, Kaz, and Mark O'Hare

Plot: SpongeBob and Patrick paint the inside of Mr. Krabs' house.

A lot of great episodes of SpongeBob curiously take place in one location. This one has SpongeBob and Patrick almost entirely confined to Mr. Krabs' house, which is the best setting for probably the tensest, most stress-filled episode of SpongeBob ever written. In a good way! And funny, too! I love how the stakes are simultaneously so ridiculous and so high, due to Mr. Krabs' seemingly impossible demands. Every minute of this episode is exciting, from when they first try to open the paint cans, to the slow attempts to actually painting the house, to the eventual paint on the dollar and how they can get rid of it before Krabs comes home, lest their rear ends be mounted on his fireplace. Of course, Mr. Krabs reveals he was just messing with them at the end, but he gets his just deserts. This episode has a ton of laughs and memorable moments. It gets a lot of mileage out of this frankly ridiculous storyline. But that's what makes kid's cartoons so great, right? Making a whole lot of something out of a whole lot of nothing. SpongeBob and Patrick carry this episode to the very end, and Mr. Krabs is there to add that extra level of tension. Fantastic stuff.

July 24, 2021

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8. "SpongeBob, it's not camping if you're ten feet from your house."

Squid Gets Mauled - 223 points

13 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @Clappy

2019 Ranking: #8 (=)

Season 3, written by Jay Lender, Sam Henderson, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: SpongeBob and Patrick go camping on the front lawn, much to Squidward's dismay.

Well, I've already talked about late Season 3 episodes that get retconned into being Not That Good because of what came afterwards. This is probably the most infamous example of them all, because of dreaded Squidward Abuse. Squid Abuse has to be the most overused, hackneyed criticism of the show. Yes, maybe some episodes go a bit over the top. But if you really think about it, so what? Squidward is typically the antagonist of this children's cartoon series. He is going to be the butt of most jokes and the recipient of most pain. Now, if you want to argue whether certain episodes are funny or not, then we can get talking. But hating an episode solely for "Squidward abuse" is like hating an episode for SpongeBob Happiness. Maybe you just don't like the show anymore? That's fine! Go find something else to do.

God, sorry. It's just... this episode gets criticized as the harbinger of Squidward abuse because of the final scene in which he gets attacked repeatedly by the sea bear. And thus, it's frequently ruffled a few feathers here as we get into revisionist criticism of Season 3's latter episodes. But... it still frequently appears in the Top 10, so it must be doing something right, right? Of course it is. It's funny as hell. But let's address the "Squidward abuse" first. Firstly, Squidward gets himself into this situation through repeated actions, such as taking SpongeBob's innocent comment to heart and spending time with them outside in the first place, and not heeding their warnings about sea bears. You see, if he took their advice to begin with and didn't flout it, he wouldn't have gotten into that mess. Second, the scene is just plain funny. Classic line after classic line here. "I should have warned you about crawling!" "Pretend to be somebody else!" "That was an oval!" Why are you getting angry at a farce for being a farce?

I'm sorry this write-up has turned into an angry defense of this episode rather than a celebration. It's just that the narratives around these episodes have gotten so ridiculous to a point, and I admit I got sucked in too at some points. But we gotta draw the line here. Squid Gets Ma-... er, Camping Episode is hilarious and fun, and has a good storyline with a classic SpongeBob song. And if you don't like it, well, have fun inside!

Spoiler

7. "I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts."

Christmas Who? - 240 points

14 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @OWM

2019 Ranking: #4 (-3)

Season 2, written by Walt Dohrn, Paul Tibbitt, and Doug Lawrence

Plot: SpongeBob spreads the joy of Christmas to everyone in Bikini Bottom.

This is not only my favourite Christmas episode of SpongeBob and my favourite SpongeBob special, it's also one of my favourite Christmas specials, period. That's how special this episode is. SpongeBob is the perfect ambassador of Christmas to Bikini Bottom; I can't think of anyone more suited for the job. His relentless optimism and hope make him the prime candidate, and it makes the episode all the more heartbreaking when Santa doesn't show and Squidward gets proven right. And of course, as in all the great Christmas specials, evil Squidward has a change of heart when he sees SpongeBob's gift and decides to make it up to him. Awww. This has everything you could possibly need in a Christmas special. A great song, in fact the greatest song of the series, don't at me, a healthy dose of Christmas cheer, snow, a heartwarming and magical ending, and Patchy the Pirate, of course! I could totally get this being someone's favourite episode ever - it's that good, and it actually was my favourite for a year. This is the episode that always gets me in that Christmas spirit through its optimism and sweet character moments. As magical as a genie!

July 23, 2021

Spoiler

10. "We've been smeckledorfed!"

Nasty Patty - 202 points

14 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #3 - @hippythehippo & @kev

2019 Ranking: #15 (+5)

Season 3, written by Paul Tibbitt, Kaz, & Mark O'Hare

Plot: SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs create a tainted Krabby Patty.

This is definitely one of the darkest episodes of SpongeBob. The mood is set right away with it being a daaaark and stormy night... until it's not, of course, and the scene shifts to a perfectly normal day at the Krusty Krab. Yeah, I'm happy to see this episode get the attention it deserves. I think this is its first time ever placing in a Top 10. It combines the incredibly gruesome story of SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs killing a man with great humour and character moments to make it palatable. I love the ever-growing uneasiness of the episode as the police appear to be hotter on SpongeBob and Krabs' trail. I love the increasingly flimsy excuses and staged conversations used to delay that suspicion. And I love the poor health inspector, who has to get knocked around like ten times in this episode. Remember, budding restaurants! If you want to pass a health inspection but aren't sure how, just maim the health inspector until he provides you with a passing grade! Yes, they are all idiots, aren't they? Wouldn't have it any other way.

Spoiler

9. "It's the apocalypse! Office products falling from the sky!"

Have You Seen This Snail? - 222 points

14 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #2 - @Less_SpongeBob & @CakeCup

2019 Ranking: #14 (+5)

Season 4, written by Aaron Springer and Paul Tibbitt

Plot: Gary runs away when Spongebob neglects to feed him.

Ah, yes. Another staple episode on this list, if not in the Top 10, then at least the Top 20. What is there left to say about Have You Seen This Snail? It's an episode well worth its runtime as Gary runs away and we get to see just how much SpongeBob loves and cares for his pet. He moves heaven and earth to try to get Gary to come back home as he realizes the huge mistake he made. It's a heartbreaking journey best summed up by that image above. We get to see what Gary's journey is like as well, as he nearly gets overstuffed by his temporary new owner, adding a bit more action and urgency to the plot. It's a classic episode, one of the best Season 4 has to offer. It has enough emotion and laughs to make for an always thoughtful sitting.

July 22, 2021

Honourable Mentions

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60. Procrastination

51 points, 7 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #8 - @Katniss

2019 Ranking: #56 (-4)

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59. My Pretty Seahorse

54 points, 4 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #4 - @jjsthekid

2019 Ranking: N/A (New!)

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58. Employee of the Month

55 points, 5 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #10 - @Coffee_lover

2019 Ranking: #58 (=)

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57. Pranks a Lot

56 points, 3 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #3 - @4EverGreen

2019 Ranking: #61 (+4)

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56. Suction Cup Symphony

58 points, 4 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @Coffee_lover

2019 Ranking: N/A (New!)

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55. Krusty Love

61 points, 4 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #4 - @sbl

2019 Ranking: N/A (New!)

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54. Mimic Madness

61 points, 4 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #2 - @ForgottenOne

2019 Ranking: #54 (=)

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53. The Fry Cook Games

61 points, 5 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #5 - @Wumbo

2019 Ranking: #44 (-9, fell off Top 50 )

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52. Naughty Nautical Neighbors

61 points, 6 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #8 - @sbl & @Aquatic Konquest

2019 Ranking: N/A (New!)

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51. Snowball Effect

63 points, 7 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #3 - @E.V.I.L.

2019 Ranking: #22 (-29, fell off Top 50)

July 21, 2021

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12. "Try one of those radioactive sludge-balls you call food? Next I suppose you'll want me to go square-dancing with Patrick!"

There I am Gary there I am!

Just One Bite - 189 points

14 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #3 - @WinterArcanine

2019 Ranking: #12 (=)

Season 3, written by Jay Lender, Sam Harrison, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: SpongeBob tries to get Squidward to eat a Krabby Patty.

Messing with the status quo, huh? Well, "status quo", anyway, because Squidward has eaten Krabby Patties in the past, however involuntarily. This episode is on my list for one reason and one reason only: it is an absolute goldmine for screencaps and funny faces. The one above you can see, as well as SpongeBob's "you like Krabby Patties" face, Squidward's "unsure" face, the list goes on. Props to the storyboard artists and animators here, just brilliant work. It's also a well plotted episode. Anything that involves sneaking around and keeping secrets is sure to be fun; throw a little inappropriate gasoline into the mix and it's a roller coaster. I love how Squidward provides his own undoing here through his pride, and then has to sneak around in myriad ways to get another Krabby Patty without SpongeBob noticing. Great, well-rounded character, that Squidward. A classic episode with lots to enjoy. Does this look unsure to you?

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11. "Ow! I burnt my hand!... at night."

Graveyard Shift - 200 points

15 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #5 - @JCM & @kev

2019 Ranking: #11 (=)

Season 2, written by Doug Lawrence, Jay Lender, and Dan Povenmire

Plot: SpongeBob and Squidward work the night shift at the Krusty Krab.

Spooky episodes are the best ones for atmosphere, and this one oozes frightening and unnerving atmosphere just as the walls of the Krusty Krab ooze green slime. A wonderful little ghost story told by Squidward slowly gets realized as he and SpongeBob work further into the Krusty Krab's first night shift. It reaches a point where it becomes too much to be a series of coincidences... until it is, of course. And these types of plots are always contrived to some extent, but the explanation is so silly that it doesn't matter. It also helps that they lampshade it with Nosferatu at the end. Squidward and Spongebob so consistently make a good pairing, as evidenced by these last two episodes and many others on this list. They bounce off each other so well in so many different ways, and their contrasting personalities can make any episode entertaining. This one, with its spook factor, certainly fits the bill as well. It's funny, it's intriguing, it's creepy, and it rocks.

July 20, 2021

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14. "Here you go. It's alphabet soup. I made it special."

Can You Spare a Dime? - 160 points

9 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @sbl

2019 Ranking: #7 (-7)

Season 3, written by Jay Lender, Sam Henderson, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: Squidward loses his job and is down on his luck, so SpongeBob invites him into his home.

I love episodes where the facade of SpongeBob cracks like this one. SpongeBob is usually a pretty easygoing and helpful guy. But even he has his limits, and Squidward stomps all over them in this episode. Then we get to see how SpongeBob reacts to such adversity. With a heaping helping of passive aggression, it turns out! Actually, this episode is surprisingly sour all around for SpongeBob. No one really seems happy, or seems to get along with anyone else. If it wasn't so damned funny, I'd imagine it would actually be a pretty unpleasant affair to sit through. But it is funny, and that's what matters here. SpongeBob's passive aggression is hilarious, as are Squidward's whiny neediness and Mr. Krabs' stubbornness. It may not be a very fun episode for the SpongeBob characters, but it's definitely a fun one for most of us.

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13. "You just sprinkle it over anything you say, and Wham-O! You've got yourself a spicy sentence sandwich!"

Sailor Mouth - 179 points

9 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #3 - @Bob Carotte & @The Helpful Mexican

2019 Ranking: #17 (+4)

Season 2, written by Walt Dohrn, Paul Tibbitt, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: SpongeBob learns a bad new word.

"Sailor Mouth" is one of those episodes that you're amazed the writers got away with. I think a big part of it is the use of all the funny sound effects in place of the swear words, whatever they may be. What also helps is it kind of works as a moral tale, with Mr. Krabs as the teacher on which words are bad. SpongeBob and Patrick don't mean any harm using *dolphin noise*, it's all in good fun until they figure out what it means. That's what keeps the episode going and what makes it so endearing. Its childlike innocence, culminating in an explosion of swear words from - you guessed it - Mr. Krabs himself. A totally fun episode that always holds up upon rewatch, if only to hear all the creative and funny sounds used to mask the naughty language. And I know it goes thematically with the episode, but how they snuck a George Carlin reference in there I'll never understand. Fantastic.

July 19, 2021

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16. "Everything is chrome in the future!"

SB-129 - 153 points

12 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #2 - @WhoBob

2019 Ranking: #16 (=)

Season 1, written by Aaron Springer, Erik Wiese, and Doug Lawrence

Plot: Squidward freezes himself into the future and experiences complications with a time machine.

You can't really call "SB-129" the first experimental episode of SpongeBob, as "Reef Blower", a silent short, was literally in the first airing. But man, is it a weird one. And that's what I, and I'm sure many others, love about it. It takes Squidward on this existential journey through time and existence and non-existence as he just tries to find a place to play his clarinet. It's definitely a ballsy move to do such a high-concept episode this early in the series, and it speaks to the brilliance of the writers that they were able to pull it off. This is one of the show's most memorable episodes for its plot alone. That word... alone. The depiction of "alone" and "nowhere" in this episode is haunting, and you can tell why Squidward would be perturbed by this, longing to even have SpongeBob and Patrick back. The fact that the episode all ends on the mindfuck of the century tells us that you don't want to mess around with time and space. You could end up alone like Squidward. Amazing episode, can't praise it enough.

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15. "Finland!"

Frankendoodle - 154 points

12 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #3 - @CDCB & @NegiSpongie

2019 Ranking: #10 (-5)

Season 2, written by Walt Dohrn, Paul Tibbitt, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: SpongeBob creates DoodleBob.

What separates man, or sponge, from God? Is it our ability to create? Then how do you explain the madness that is "Frankendoodle"? I love episodes of animated shows that play around with different media of art and animation. It's always so much fun to watch the artists' interpretations of what the characters' interpretations of art are. Such is the case with DoodleBob (and various other doodles such as the one above). It's a crude drawing of SpongeBob (as Patrick would be happy to point out to you) but it takes on life of its own thanks to the magic pencil. And what happens when your drawn creation attacks you and wishes to become the real you? Well, you have to erase it, of course! "Frankendoodle" is the perfect blend of comedy, intrigue, and action. It's a super exciting episode with a lot of laughs (mostly thanks to Patrick) and it also has that high-concept feel of creating and destroying life. But maybe I should take it easy. It's just a drawing.

July 18, 2021

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18. "Is that the cheese?"

Pizza Delivery - 144 points

13 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #3 - @CakeCup & @Katniss

2019 Ranking: #13 (-5)

Season 1, written by Sherm Cohen, Aaron Springer, and Peter Burns

Plot: SpongeBob and Squidward deliver a pizza.

Well, here's one that's certainly earned a long stay on these lists. You could argue that "Pizza Delivery" is the first excellent episode (I'd argue it's "Naughty Nautical Neighbors", but that's neither here nor there), one that truly realizes the true comedic and dramatic potential of SpongeBob, and one that can mine so many jokes and memorable moments from such a simple premise. SpongeBob's eccentricity is in full form here, as he babbles on about the pioneers while steadfastly refusing to give up delivering this pizza. The perfect pairing with this, of course, is Squidward, as his cynical nature contrasts perfectly with SpongeBob's optimism. And of course, there's the heartwarming moment at the end where Squidward sticks up for the little yellow guy, which I imagine is one of many reasons it so consistently makes people's lists. This is the first time we see Squidward show sympathy for SpongeBob, and it really helps to round out his character from just being a grumpy curmudgeon. "Pizza Delivery" is a sing of real growth and ambition from the series, and it all pays off.

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17. "And welcome back to championship boxing!"

Idiot Box - 145 points

10 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #2 - @OWM

2019 Ranking: #19 (+2)

Season 3, written by Paul Tibbitt, Kent Osborne, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: SpongeBob and Patrick have fun with a box.

If you had to pick one episode to best showcase SpongeBob and Squidward's contrasting outlooks on life, this would probably be the one. Even this image above nearly spells it out perfectly. SpongeBob can make a cardboard box sound appealing using imagination, Squidward can't even find enjoyment out of the TV he purchased. This episode is just a ton of fun, as episodes encircled around imagination should be. SpongeBob and Patrick go on many adventures within that box, and get a lot of laughs and good lines out of them. But what makes the episode so great is Squidward's mounting frustration at their fun, not believing that the "imagination" tells the whole story. Such is the cynicism of Squidward that drives many conflicts in SpongeBob. Of course, the funniest and saddest part is the end, where Squidward thinks he gets the box working, but turns out to just be down in the dumps instead. This is an essential episode of SpongeBob to watch. Such simplicity with a cardboard box - an episode that definitively proves less is more.

July 17, 2021

Spoiler

20. "Hey, you guys wanna hear a bathroom joke?"

Something Smells - 137 points

10 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #5 - @Katniss & @Steel Sponge

2019 Ranking: #29 (+9)

Season 2, written by Aaron Springer, C.H. Greenblatt, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: SpongeBob develops bad breath after eating a rancid sundae.

This is a sneaky funny episode, but I'm not even sure it really has that many jokes, per se. I think other than the "Ugly Barnacle" thing and "Look at it!", it's a pretty unremarkable episode as far as memorable moments go. But the permeating storyline of SpongeBob (and later Patrick) believing that their ugliness is what is driving people away, and not the bad breath, is the comedy that drives the whole episode. Consistently great animation as well, I love all the myriad ways a random fish passerby bursts into flames or runs away whenever they catch a whiff of SpongeBob's breath. It's clearly an episode that resonates with people, to which I have to say you're all beautiful, and if not, you can still be ugly and proud. But this episode is still fun for lots of laughs.

Spoiler

19. "We shall never deny a guest, even the most ridiculous request!"

Krusty Towers - 137 points

11 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #3 - @Clappy

2019 Ranking: #20 (+1)

Season 4, written by Luke Brookshier, Tom King, and Steven Banks

Plot: Mr. Krabs turns the Krusty Krab into a hotel.

When people used to praise select Season 4 or 5 episodes, they would do it under the caveat of "oh this feels like a classic/Season 3 episode". Which is fine and everything, but as a series moves on, it should be given room to evolve from where it was. This was one of the most acclaimed episodes of Season 4 from the time it came out, and lots of those comments came to fruition. While it's certainly as funny as any Season 3 episode, it still feels very much in line with Season 4's quick-paced and eccentric style of humour. All four main characters do a great job here in their own way. I love the shifting power dynamic when Squidward figures out how to game the system. Nice to see him on the winning side for a change, at least for a while. Patrick is the perfect element of chaos to put in any story, but particularly this one, as he requests a room full of cheese and has a suitcase full of rocks. SpongeBob somewhat takes a backseat but is good in a supporting role. And Krabs' scheme is hilarious throughout, particularly when it (figuratively and literally) blows up in his face. Still to this day, it is one of the funniest episodes of Season 4 and does a lot with an admittedly thin premise. It would be a ridiculous request to leave it off the list.

July 16, 2021

Spoiler

22. "How about this one, bodyguard? Too overbearing?"

SpongeBob Meets the Strangler - 113 points

8 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @The Helpful Mexican

2019 Ranking: #26 (+4)

Season 3, written by Paul Tibbitt, Kent Osborne, C.H. Greenblatt, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: The Tattletale Strangler tries to get revenge on SpongeBob.

The later episodes of Season 3 are interesting because with many of them you can draw a clear line between them and some of the traits that people hate about later episodes. Here, we see SpongeBob's annoying nature on full display, so much so that he makes a criminal turn himself in just to get away from him. But once again, the difference is that it's funny. This episode is hilarious from start to finish. What also makes the episode work is that SpongeBob is doing all this from a point of naïveté; he genuinely believes that this man is his bodyguard and will help him stay safe. Does this make him as dumb as Patrick? Well, he doesn't turn himself in to the police for being the Strangler, so he's still got a leg up in that regard. Sometimes you don't need much of a plot to make a great episode as long as the jokes and funny moments are front and center. They absolutely are here. This is one you can come back to every time and find a new thing to laugh at. The (22nd) best episode around, and in town!

Spoiler

21. "A stove is a stove, no matter where you go..."

Welcome to the Chum Bucket - 130 points

8 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @Funyarinpa

2019 Ranking: #24 (+3)

Season 2, written by Walt Dohrn, Paul Tibbitt, and Doug Lawrence

Plot: SpongeBob is forced to work at the Chum Bucket.

Oh yeah. This is a mainstay on the list for many, many good reasons. It's hard to think of a plot more heartbreaking than this one. Mr. Krabs may be cheap, but episodes like this show despite his wanton stupidity and arrogance, he does genuinely care for SpongeBob and is upset to see him taken away. SpongeBob, of course, is upset that his job at the Krusty Krab is history. This culminates in one of the best "show tunes" in the series' history. "This Grill is Not a Home", "A Stove is a Stove", "Without You", whatever you want to call it, it's a great song. Then the episode pivots and we get some more Plankton trauma as he tries to do everything he can to make SpongeBob make Krabby Patties, but his efforts prove more and more futile. This episode does a great job switching from drama to comedy. It all hinges on SpongeBob's character; he's childish at heart, but will make an effort for the ones he loves. Even putting his brain in a robot won't change that (side note: pretty under-the-radar dark twist for this episode). I love this one. It's certainly memorable with all its great moments of comedy and heartbreak, and it's fun to watch every single time.

July 15, 2021

Spoiler

24. "Krusty Krab is unfair! Mr. Krabs is in there! Standing at the concession, plotting his oppression!"

Squid on Strike - 108 points

8 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @jjsthekid

2019 Ranking: N/A (+35 from HMs)

Season 2, written by Walt Dohrn, Paul Tibbitt, and Mark O'Hare

Plot: SpongeBob and Squidward go on strike.

Once again, what makes Squidward such a fun character is how principled he can be. He's usually ignorant or mildly annoyed by plot elements, given that most of the stories revolve around SpongeBob. But when he leads a story, you can't get him to quit. Organizing a strike against his cruel oppressor Mr. Krabs feels exactly on brand for Squidward, and honestly something I'm surprised hadn't been done sooner. Of course, bringing SpongeBob into the mix, who is woefully ignorant of what a strike is for the majority of the episode, brings the laughs. SpongeBob obviously loves his job and only joined the strike due to hype and idiocy, but when he comes around to what Squidward is saying, it's fun to see how much he gets into it as well, literally destroying the Krusty Krab board by board. Of course this would happen as Squidward and Mr. Krabs finally reach a deal. (All right, Mr. Krabs!) This one, coming at the end of Season 2, I feel like people forget about a lot. You can tell by the way it missed the list last year. But it's an episode full of fun, laughs, and great character moments from SpongeBob, Squidward, and Krabs alike. About all you could ask for from a strike episode.

Spoiler

23. "I'm so cold that... I'm shivering!"

Survival of the Idiots - 108 points

9 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #5 - @almy

2019 Ranking: #32 (+9)

Season 2, written by Aaron Springer, C.H. Greenblatt, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: SpongeBob and Patrick are trapped in Sandy's treedome during the winter.

Let's ignore all the meteorological questions that arise from a treedome that shifts through the four seasons and focus on the episode. SpongeBob and Patrick are ignorant boobs. I feel like every time there's a SpongeBob and Patrick episode on this list, I find a way to insult them. But come on. How can you not fault them for breaking into Sandy's treedome during her hibernation season and ripping off her fur for warmth due to being stupid enough to enter in the first place? At least it makes for an entertaining and exciting episode. I love the design of hibernating Sandy. It's really funny but also legitimately threatening when it comes to the climactic moments. It's impressive how so much action can take place in what is essentially a bottle episode. Yeah, SpongeBob and Patrick are jerks in this one, but they get their comeuppance by the end. Don't disturb a squirrel when hibernating. This should be a lesson you don't have to learn by trial. Pinheads.

July 14, 2021

Spoiler

26. "You planted grass?"

Plankton's Army - 103 points

7 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @WhoBob

2019 Ranking: #48 (+22)

Season 3, written by Jay Lender, Sam Henderson, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: Plankton enlists the help of his relatives to steal the Krabby Patty secret formula.

I've said it already, but Plankton is such a fun character. His villainy combined with his diminutive stature and relative powerlessness makes for a lot of great, comedic conflicts in episodes. But even Plankton deserves a little help now and again. Enter Plankton's Army, the episode where we finally get to meet Plankton's relatives, and they're about a 30-watt bulb if you put all their brainpower together. You can see why Plankton's distanced himself from them thus far. Nevertheless, they combine to create one of Plankton's best plans yet. The Plankton clan is so much fun to watch here; the way they stand in such sharp contrast to Sheldon makes for some great moments of frustration for him. Not only that, but the scheme nearly works and it provides for a great climactic moment at the end. Exciting, fun, and at times, a real pain in the fanny.

Spoiler

25. "We're not talking about some dumb mail fraud scheme or hijacking here. WE STOLE A BALLOON!"

Life of Crime - 107 points

7 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @El Jacko

2019 Ranking: #41 (+16)

Season 2, written by Jay Lender, William Reiss, and Doug Lawrence

Plot: SpongeBob and Patrick are on the run after they stole a balloon.

SpongeBob and Patrick overreacting to things. Name a better combo. It's just like them to steal a balloon unwittingly on Free Balloon Day, and then feel the need to upend their entire lives after the fact. It's always fun to see SpongeBob and Patrick get on each other's nerves, especially over something as stupid as an already-eaten candy bar. I suppose it figures that a stupid conflict would be a stupid situation's undoing. The key takeaway here is that SpongeBob and Patrick are still very childish, and have a childlike view on many things, including morality. Why else would they unquestioningly listen to the advice of master "borrower" Eugene Krabs? Maybe some day they'll learn. But until then, at least we have fun episodes to enjoy like this one. Now get out.

July 13, 2021

Spoiler

28. "I never thought I'd say this, but SpongeBob, let's get that poop!"

Krab Borg - 99 points

7 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #4 - @Katniss

2019 Ranking: #25 (-3)

Season 3, written by Paul Tibbitt, Kent Osborne, and Mark O'Hare

Plot: SpongeBob and Squidward think Mr. Krabs is a robot.

Normally when we see SpongeBob and Squidward together in an episode, Squidward is antagonistic towards SpongeBob. Here, they form a team-up halfway through, and it is so refreshing and fun to see. It kind of makes you wonder why they don't team up more often until you realize it would destroy the fabric of the show. But here, as a little taste? It's delightful. I love seeing SpongeBob and Squidward on the same side, misguided as it may be. We've seen flashes of this before, but this is the first episode I can think of where they really work together as a duo. This is all, of course, in vain, as SpongeBob's fears are severely misplaced and Squidward is left to deal with the aftermath. But the character dynamic here allows for a fun and hilarious episode. I love all the convoluted ways that Mr. Krabs becomes more and more like a robot in SpongeBob's eyes. That "Electric Zoo" song is infectious, who wouldn't be doing The Robot to it? It becomes so crushingly coincidental that even Squidward can't deny it. This culminates in a great interrogation scene - I love when Squidward really gets into something like this, you get the sense he's watched a lot of cop shows. A wonderful episode that annually makes the list for good reason.

Spoiler

27. "Ahh, Makeout Reef. Good times, goood times."

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V - 101 points

7 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #2 - @almy

2019 Ranking: #27 (=)

Season 3, written by C.H. Greenblatt, Kaz, and Merriwether Williams

Plot: Barnacle Boy joins the dark side, and Mermaid Man must form a team to stop him.

Ahh, the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy episodes. A staple in any loyal SpongeBob fan's diet. A Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy episode always feels like an episode that's just a little bit more special, like a Sideshow Bob episode of The Simpsons. They don't always show up, but when they do, you know you're in for a wild ride. The very concept of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy is hilarious - a geriatric superhero duo that are made-for-TV superheroes but also still kind of... actual superheroes? It allows the writers to reach into their big comic book bag of tropes and twist them to fit the characters. This episode tends to stand out among the pack because of its dramatic tension. Sure, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy get on each other's nerves sometimes, but they always remain a duo. Until now. This episode has everything you could possibly want from a SpongeBob superhero romp - it gets the two main villains together to aid Barnacle Boy... er, MAN, on his new quest of evil, and it manages to dress up the main characters in superhero garb as well! Throw in an overly excited commissioner and you have yourself an action-packed, fun, hilarious plot that reigns king among SpongeBob's superhero fare. Krakatoa!

July 12, 2021

Spoiler

30. "Warning! This ride may cause: Crying, screaming, projectile vomiting, amnesia, spine loss, embarrassing accidents, uncontrollable gas... and explosive diarrhea."

Roller Cowards - 98 points

10 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #4 - @The Helpful Mexican

2019 Ranking: #35 (+5)

Season 5, written by Luke Brookshier, Tom King, and Steven Banks

Plot: SpongeBob and Patrick are afraid of the new roller coaster ride at Glove World.

SpongeBob and Patrick are babies. It's precisely why their exploits and adventures in the movie are so daring and notable. Their kiddish, squeamish, fraidy-cat nature is on full display in this episode, where they are afraid to ride the new coaster at Glove World, the Fiery Fist O' Pain. Now, to be fair, it looks like a pretty terrifying coaster. But what's funny is that it shocks SpongeBob and Patrick so badly that it causes them to freak out over meeting a mascot or riding the comparatively tamer Mitten. Ya gotta love the set design for Glove World in this episode; this is a location that was teased very early on in the show (and earlier in this list!) and they did everything they could with it when we get to see SpongeBob and Patrick visit. It's just a fun episode with a lot of funny moments and a great climax as they finally ride the coaster. A thrilling one to watch, for sure!

Spoiler

29. "Remember when Sandy and I got married?"

Truth or Square - 99 points

5 of 30 lists. 2 #1 votes - @magic the veemon & @WinterArcanine

2019 Ranking: N/A (+22 from HMs)

Season 6, written by Luke Brookshier, Nate Cash, Steven Banks, and Paul Tibbitt

Plot: SpongeBob and friends are locked in a freezer for the Krusty Krab's eleventy-seventh anniversary.

Well, here it is. The big controversy, the only episode that ever has a chance of making both best and worst lists. And it did. What is it about Truth or Square that gets people so opinionated one way or the other? Well, if you want the other way, go read OWM's Worst Episodes thread. But here, it is my duty to defend it. And to be fair, there is quite a bit to defend.

People complain that the episode fell short of their expectations. I'd argue that rather than the episode falling short, it simply shifted to something that we didn't expect. Complete with Patchy, it turned out to be a 10th anniversary spectacular in the way that older TV shows might have celebrated it - by getting a whole whack of guest stars and by doing new and crazy things. I'd argue that the Patchy stuff is actually where the episode shines - it has a new, fresh, variety show atmosphere that the show had never really tried before, and you can argue how well each segment worked individually or not, but the point is that it was definitely ambitious. You can't argue that the episode didn't try. And through its ambition, even if you don't like the episode on the whole, you're bound to find at least one or two segments from the Patchy stuff that you enjoy. I'm really fond of the "what if SpongeBob was about someone else" opening sequences, as well as the old-timey sequence which is sincerely charming.

Now, the main plot... well, it's a functional bottle episode and a clip show of sorts. This part is a bit weaker for me personally, but I can see its charms through having the main characters reminisce over past events that we may have not gotten to see otherwise. Between the main plot and the Patchy segments, there is an air of grandiosity to the special that still has it justify its 10th anniversary status. It's a divisive episode, and it may always be. But I wouldn't necessarily call either side wrong as I fall in the middle. There are definitely a lot of reasons to justify placing it on your own list, and it's episodes like this that make these countdowns so much fun in the first place.

July 11, 2021

Spoiler

32. "But we did everything you said, I followed all the rules! I even ate 105 black licorice jellybeans through a straw!"

Imitation Krabs - 94 points

6 of 30 lists. Highest Ranking: #2 - @Funyarinpa & @El Jacko

2019 Ranking: #29 (-3)

Season 2, written by Walt Dohrn, Paul Tibbitt, and Doug Lawrence

Plot: Plankton disguises himself as a phony Mr. Krabs in order to get the secret formula.

This is one of those ideas that should come so naturally to this show, you're surprised it's not, like, one of the first episodes. Well, it's a good thing they waited until Season 2 to do it, because I think its full potential was realized here. This is such a funny idea, and they make it work with all the character interactions with fake Mr. Krabs. The trials and tribulations SpongeBob puts "Mr. Krabs" through are hilarious, as is the final showdown between him and the real Mr. Krabs. Squidward plays a minor but, in my view, very memorable role in this episode as well. We need to acknowledge the voice actors at some point for getting so much comedy mileage out of pedestrian lines like "you're not Mr. Krabs". Kills me. Every time. What tipped you off, Squidward? Such a brilliantly simple idea realized to its full potential, culminating in a great story with lots of laughs.

Spoiler

31. "K-R-A-B-B-Y P-A-T-T-Y says I!"

Fear of a Krabby Patty - 98 points

6 of 30 lists. 1 #1 vote - @Steel Sponge

2019 Ranking: #42 (+11)

Season 4, written by C.H. Greenblatt and Paul Tibbitt

Plot: SpongeBob becomes fearful of Krabby Patties after working for days on end at the Krusty Krab.

Well, here it is. The episode that started the "post-movie era", whatever that is. Fear of a Krabby Patty is a real important moment for the show, to see if it could keep going at consistently high quality even after a movie. If Fear of a Krabby Patty was any indication, it absolutely could. I like this episode because it follows such a convoluted Plankton plan, even for him, that it keeps you interested throughout and has a lot of twists and turns. It's also a pretty big watershed moment for SpongeBob as he becomes everything he hates: afraid of Krabby Patties. He's certainly had his problems with work before, but nothing quite to this degree. Enter Dr. Peter Lankton, psychiatrist. The episode is exciting and funny throughout, but the real payoff comes from this scene, where despite Plankton's best efforts, SpongeBob's mind is just too wacky for him to crack. Man, what a way to kick off Season 4. Maybe it fell a bit short of expectations, but with an episode like this leading the way, those are some lofty expectations to live up to to begin with.

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