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Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)


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Why would Todd hate Billy Joel, he's one of the most respectable musicians of the past century

 

-On his Twitter, he once said that Joel's "Innocent Man" album was terrible.

-On his FAQ, he said "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me" is one of his most hated songs from the 80's for "reasons he's not sure of."

 

It can be agreed that Billy Joel is one of the most respectable musicians in years, but those two facts are by any indication that Todd somehow personally hates Billy Joel's music. It's still his opinion though, and I can respect it.

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All right, here we go! 1980! Is it as bad as Todd says it is? Well... no. No, it isn't.

 

 

Is it one of the legendary years of pop music? No. But let's compare this year to 1990 for a second. 1990 was a year that caught the tail end of a lot of 80's pop music, while struggling to find an identity for the new decade. In some ways, 1980 is a lot the same, only it's coming off of, in my opinion, a much better decade for pop music.

 

 

So instead of getting shitty hair metal ballads and confused R&B, we get the tail end of funk and 70's rock n' roll, as well as some inventive new stuff that would continue to define the 80's as a pop entity. So, honestly? Not a bad year at all. Gotta vehemently disagree with Todd on this one.

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

That said...

 

 

The bad stuff this year was truly bad. It was boring, kitschy, annoying, and in the worst-case scenarios, a horrible combination of the three. If you were to judge 1980 based on its bad music, I could see a solid argument for it being one of the worst years ever. So let's get right on that analysis. Here are...

 

 

Wumbo's Bottom 10 Songs of 1980

 

 

Spoiler

 

10. "Steal Away" - Robbie Dupree

 

 

 

 

...what the hell is this?

 

 

Look, I get that some stuff can get lost in time after 35 years, but... huh? What is this? Who is this?

 

 

Robbie Dupree? I've... I've just never heard that name before. And this song is so boring and weak and pointless... really, people bought this?

 

 

I... I can't even think of anything to say about this, except that it sucks. What are the circumstances under which anyone would listen to this song? It offers nothing, musically or lyrically. It's not even bad enough to like ironically. Were there just a lot of boring people in love buying music at this time?

 

 

"Steal Away": I'll probably never know why it exists. Next.

 

 

 

Spoiler

 

 

 

I've always been kind of a Lionel Richie apologist. I mean, the man did create "Brick House", so I think he deserves a little more respect than he gets. And... I don't know, I think the guy just has a charm to him. You don't hear Richard Marx releasing a funk record anytime soon, so lay off of Lionel Richie, all right?

 

 

*sigh* and I wish I didn't have to say all that before doing this.

 

 

9. "Still" - Commodores

 

 

 

 

It's not that I don't understand Lionel Richie hatred, you feel me? For every "Brick House" he released, there were five more of these. And... wow, is this one boring. In 1983 I could kind of see the funk coming through in some of his slower songs, but here? Nothin'. This is just straight up boredom. I don't even think his voice is top notch here. It's kind of grating, like it's got a nasally vibe to it.

 

 

Take a look at this video for a second. You've got the guy standing there with the sax, and they don't even use him! What a waste. Did people seriously want to listen to this instead?

 

 

It's beyond me. Lionel Richie, I still respect ya and everything, but you make it difficult sometimes.

 

 

 

Spoiler

Aww, who's following in the steps of his big brothers? You are! You are!

 

 

Poorly.

 

 

8. "Desire" - Andy Gibb

 

 

 

 

In case you needed an example of why nepotism sucks, well, you can take a look at LMFAO. But this guy's also a pretty good argument for that. Dear God, what is that horrible whine? I hate to sound like a broken record (which, incidentally, is also what Andy Gibb sounds like), but people bought this?

 

 

Okay, so let's go back to the Bee Gees for a second.

 

 

 

 

Let's look at their big hit, "Stayin' Alive". Now you could absolutely make the argument that Barry Gibb sounded like a Tickle Me Elmo on that song. Hell, I'd buy it. But this song has clout, damn it. It's backed by an amazing bass riff and a great beat. The guy could sing like Future and you couldn't touch this song.

 

 

So when you try the whole Barry Gibb thing and you're backed by some third-rate disco music instead, well, you can see where the cracks start to show. Andy Gibb's voice becomes center stage and you can't ignore it, even though that's all you want to do at this point. Maybe he should have emulated one of his other brothers, then it wouldn't have been quite so painful to get through this song. I guess you could say this song doesn't GIBB me any pleasure. Heh... heh... yeah, I know.

 

Spoiler

 

The Rolling Stones! One of the best rock bands of the 60's and 70's. So, what do we have from them from the 80's?

 

 

...

 

 

What indeed.

 

 

7. "Emotional Rescue" - The Rolling Stones

 

 

 

 

Mick Jagger, what are you doing?

 

 

No, really... what are you doing?

 

 

It's honestly one of the oddest performances I've ever seen from anyone. He contorts his voice to so many weird places and I can't follow one way or another. One minute he's doing this awful whine...

 

 

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/6306351

 

The next he sounds like he's on helium with a bunch of marbles in his mouth...

 

 

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/6306353

 

And then there's... this...

 

 

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/6306354

 

Yeah, get the creeper version of Mick Jagger away from me, THANK YOU.

 

 

It's just so wildly disappointing to see such a hard rockin' band degenerate into this filth come 1980. Thankfully they would get back on their feet by 1981, but the fact remains that they will always have this piece of shit staining their résumé. Emotionally rescue me from this song.

 

Spoiler

Diana Ross... why do you keep doing this to me?

 

 

6. "Upside Down" - Diana Ross

 

 

 

It's not like I want to bash on you all the time. But... seriously, what is this nonsense? This song is awful. It never starts, it never amounts to anything, and there's no reason to come back to it. You've got these weird ass lyrics...

 

 

Respectfully I say to thee

I'm aware that you're cheatin'

 

 

"I say to thee"? Who even says that? What a forced rhyme that is.

 

 

But like I said, even thought the weird lyrics grate on me, I especially hate how there's no culmination in the music. It's just the same beat all throughout, and the chorus and verses just blend into each other like this homogenous glop pile. I don't like my music to remind me of homogenous glop piles; I don't know about you. Respectfully I say to thee, please do better in the next year-end chart you appear in.

 

Spoiler

Kim Carnes... is an interesting one, for sure. Possible spoiler for 1981: I kind of love everything about "Bette Davis Eyes", in spite of myself. That said, there's nothing I like about this.

 

 

5. "More Love" - Kim Carnes

 

 

 

 

I don't think Kim Carnes has the best voice in the world, so when she's backed by a production like the one she has on "Bette Davis Eyes", it works well. When she only has this and you have to hear her gravelly belching, it becomes unbearable. She keeps saying she'll give you more love and more joy, but after you hear this you don't want anything more from her. And there is seriously just nothing more to say about this. It's just such a boring composition.

 

Spoiler

There's no use for this.

 

 

4. "Magic" - Olivia Newton-John

 

 

 

Honestly Olivia, what are you even trying to do here? It's too early in the 80's for darker-sounding pop music, and even if it wasn't you don't do it well. Look, this is your forté:

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWz9VN40nCA

 

Not like that's a great song either, but at least it has an energy to it. This is such a boring slog that I have no idea how it got so popular, other than Olivia Newton-John apparently being untouchable in the late 70's and early 80's. But seriously, this is such a confused piece of music. The lyrics suggest it's a happy, hopeful song, but the production suggests "creepy".

 

 

I don't even know what else to say. I just can't do anything with this weird-ass song. What an odd number of choices that went into this. Somewhere along the line, somebody must have realized that all these disparate parts of a song put together sound like shit. But as far as I can tell, nobody did. Somehow this was #1 for four weeks. Four weeks! I don't get it.

 

 

You have to believe we are magic

 

 

The only magic I'm experiencing are voodoo doll pins being shoved into my ears. Next!

 

Spoiler

3. "The Rose" - Bette Midler

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oR6okRuOLc8

 

...okay, I know that Bette Midler's got that star quality. And in fact, I think she's actually quite talented. But... dear God, this is schmaltzy. It doesn't go anywhere with its lyrics or its music. The whole first verse is about what other people think of love. And it follows the same structure each time. Okay, that's... nice, I guess, but it's presented in such a boring way that I can't get invested in it at all. There is just no use for this song. Some say criticism, it is a knife. An object which stabs the performers until blood comes spewing out and they lie motionless on the floor... hmm, I'm not too good at this, am I?

 

 

Okay, so it's harder than it looks. It still doesn't mean I have to like it.

 

Spoiler

You know, despite everything I love about the 70's, it did have some flaws to it. Show tunes were big, and kitsch was rampant. Unfortunately, that kitsch seeped into 1980. So let's take some time to truly hate on some smelly old cheese.

 

 

2. "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" - Rupert Holmes

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLom-87AmO8

 

Haaate. Haaaaaaate.

 

Okay, can I just start with this here: what personal ad goes like this?

 

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain

 

 

Okay, so the "punchline" is that he answers this personal ad that turns out to be HIS OWN WIFE, ALL THE SHENANIGANS COME CRASHING DOWN. So... what exactly is the deal with the "yoga" line here? Is Rupert Holmes too much into yoga? If so, why did that ad attract him?

 

 

But the real problem with this song is that it's just devoid of any believable emotion. This isn't something that actually happened, or something that ever would happen. It's just some dorky sitcom episode where hijinks occur and everyone laughs it off at the end. Well, I'm not laughing. Because it's not funny. And it doesn't fit into the realm of reality. Also, it sucks.

 

 

If I were a piña colada salesman in 1980, I would sue Rupert Holmes for defamation. You just made a tropical alcoholic drink unsexy. Shame on you. I doubt Rupert Holmes has even half a brain to comprehend just how awful his song is, but maybe he can just be stuck with his terrible wife for eternity and karmic justice will be served. Escape from existence, bud.

 

Spoiler

Sometimes you have to work to find a suitable #1 worst song. But sometimes it just falls right in your lap. Never have I decided on a #1 song so quickly, and I'm sure it's the right decision.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Please don't ever let me record a song with Toni Tennille.

 

1. "Do That to Me One More Time" - Captain & Tennille

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ry4ngf766N0

 

This song is legendary in just how bad it is. This is "Afternoon Delight" bad in terms of kitsch, unsexiness, and overall whiteness. Look, the guy's playing a recorder, for Christ's sake. He has a recorder solo. I don't think this was meant for the public to hear.

 

Listening to this song just makes me feel dirty inside. I'm trying with all my might to think of anything else this song could be talking about other than sex, but... unfortunately, that's gotta be what they're talking about. Boy, doesn't the way she sings about sexual desire make you just wanna castrate yourself?

 

 

Look, if you guys are satisfying each other sexually, that's great. But keep it out of your music, because you clearly don't know how to express it. God, a recorder solo? Really?

 

Well, that's about as bad as it gets for 1980. I'll be posting my best list before the month is up!

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Muskrat Love....I can't take any duo who has a song that legendary bad seriously.  No surprise your number one isn't that much better, but at least it's not Muskrat Love.

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Was Emotional Rescue off of Tattoo You? Because that was a good record.

It was off of the album that came right before it, titled Emotional Rescue. But yeah, Tattoo You is good and "Start Me Up" rocks.

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Okay, so the claim that I made earlier was that 1980 was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Now I'm here to back up that claim. Here are:

Wumbo's Top 10 Songs of 1980

 

Spoiler



Like I said before, with 1980 we got the tail end of 70's stuff. This included quite a bit of groovin' funk to choose from. This song and an upcoming one are what I consider some of the best that 1980 had to offer.

10. "Too Hot" - Kool & The Gang



Man, don't you just love the way this song starts? Already you can tell you're going to be taken on a ride to Funkytown with its swanky bass and its grooving rhythms.

 

Kool & The Gang were one of the great funk bands of their time, with their laidback attitudes and their soulful vocals carrying them on through the 70's and 80's. They had a couple hits this year, but I choose this one because I just love the way it opens. You hear that song's opening notes and you know you're not gonna be disappointed.

 

And disappointed you are not, as the song takes you on a four-minute groove ride, and all you can ask for is more. But let's not get greedy here. There's plenty of great music to go around in 1980! Woo!

 

Spoiler

9. "Heartache Tonight" - Eagles

 

 

The Eagles had a few hits this year too, but honestly out of all of them I only really liked one. The other two were just too boring for me. But this one? This hits me right in the rock n' roll center of my brain, which I'm fairly certain I have somewhere. Again, the song just starts out with a blast of energy, but unlike Kool & The Gang, it brings that energy down a bit for some hand-clappin' and such. And you know what? I eat it up.

 

And the song just keeps taking you on the journey of this wild party where everybody wants to touch somebody if it takes all night, and everybody wants to take a little chance, and make it come out right. Tying it all together are Glenn Frey's powerful vocals and the sliding guitar of Joe Walsh. There might be a heartache tonight, but let me tell ya: there ain't no headache. Break my heart.

 

Spoiler

So now that we've established that there'll be a heartache tonight, why not bring on the guy suited for the job?

 

8. "Heartbreaker" - Pat Benatar

 

 

Okay, I'm of the mind that you can call any song "Heartbreaker" and it will turn out sounding excellent. It turned out to be one of my favourite Zeppelin songs, one of my favourite Mariah songs, and it's also definitely one of my favourite Pat Benatar songs. There's something about the term "Heartbreaker" that just evokes so many different images.

 

Pat Benatar chooses to take the route of temptation and desire, and it pays off so well, making this her first big hit, and for good reason: it has rock star quality. It's bursting with a thundering guitar riff throughout the song, and Pat Benatar's vocals just hammer the song in even harder. It's songs like this that make me really miss hard rock music on the charts. Don't you mess around with Pat Benatar.

 

Spoiler

7. "Cars" - Gary Numan

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ldyx3KHOFXw

 

God, this guy's a fucking weirdo. I love it from beginning to end.

 

What I love about songs like this is that they come in layers of enjoyment. On the surface, you can just enjoy it as a catchy song with an awesome synth riff. But then you actually take a look at the lyrics and it's just the most bizarre look into this man's psyche.

 

Here in my car

I feel safest of all

I can lock all my doors

It's the only way to live

In cars

 

... Jesus. Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get him.

 

But that's what I especially love about this song. On the surface, it's catchy. Listen to the lyrics, and it's psychotic. A lot of early 80's pop was like that, actually. Huh. Well, what we've got here is a catchy song with a creepy premise. Rock on, and lock your doors.

 

Spoiler

So I was talking in the last entry about songs that are catchy, and then you listen to the lyrics and you wonder just how the artist managed to taint your mind in this way. But sometimes a song is just catchy. ridiculously catchy. IT WILL NEVER LEAVE YOUR MIND catchy...

 

6. "Funkytown" - Lipps, Inc.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSmj1E-3ep8

 

Not that I'd ever really want it to.

 

Man, I love "Funkytown", and I don't care what anyone says. This song seriously just gets me going and pumps me up for the day. You've got the guitar lick in the chorus, the versatile singer, the insufferably catchy "do-do-do-do-do do-do-do-do-do"...

 

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/6316075

 

Yeah, exactly that.

 

I don't know, I guess I can see why some people would find it annoying, but for me, it's definitely earned its place in pop culture. It's an ambitious song musically, and a fun song lyrically. Won't you take me tooo... Funkytown... god damn, who wouldn't want to be taken there?

 

Spoiler

Well, you wanted it. A Pink Floyd song in the Top 10, here ya go.

 

5. "Another Brick in the Wall, Part II" - Pink Floyd

 

 

I know this video sort of encompasses multiple parts of the song, but I couldn't resist. Anyway, "Another Brick in the Wall" is iconic in the way that "Money", for me, is just not. Maybe it has something to do with the movie, or maybe that it was the only Pink Floyd song to ever hit #1, but whatever it is, it rocks my world into next week.

 

You've got "Cars", which if you're not paying attention to the lyrics you could easily mistake it for a catchy pop song. There's no way this could be mistaken for such. Right from the beginning it's got this dark tone about it, and when the children's voices kick in it starts to sound like a cry for revolution. It's dark, it's edgy, it's creepy, it's Pink Floyd.

 

It honestly kind of baffles me how this even got so popular in the mainstream. I think this is just as weird as Gotye having the #1 song of 2012. It just doesn't mesh that well with the pop music of 1980. Of course, "Come on Eileen" was my #1 of 1983 for almost that exact reason, so I don't necessarily view that as a bad thing, ya dig?

 

Whatever the reason for its popularity, it's a staple in rock and pop music alike. But hey, maybe it's just another brick in the wall. Maybe deep down, that's all we all are. All in all. I have to move on to the next song now because these thoughts are bummin' me out.

 

Spoiler

 

Looking back on pop history, the "disco sucks" movement was probably one of the stupidest things that has ever happened. Disco music is awesome, man! What's not to love? (Besides its affiliation with gay clubs and black music and let's be real here it was the 1970's and people were bigoted.)

 

No, if you're expecting me to join in with that ludicrous crowd, I couldn't find a right place to step in, because I love disco. Example:

 

4. "The Second Time Around" - Shalamar

 

 

I feel like the lead singer of this song is what Lionel Richie could be if he stopped being so damn boring. Then again, this was apparently his "fun" song, so maybe his potential has already been reached. Regardless, we still have this song to show the awesome potential of disco, which meshes the best of catchy pop music and the best of groovy funk.

 

Every moment of this song is so enjoyable. It starts out with a great blast of keyboards and beats, and the whole song is just like a journey to a peaceful land. Even the lyrics are uplifting: don't give up on love just because you got burned once. There'll always be another to make you happy!

 

Hmm... wait a minute...

 

And I'll make it better than the first time

 

Okay, this whole song is just a pickup line. Oh well! It works so well that I'd let the guy take me home with him. As long as he kept playing that sweet, succulent disco music that we were apparently craving in 2013. I can think of worse throwbacks, that's all I'm sayin'.

 

Spoiler

 

Bad cinematography aside, Michael Jackson's career since his inception has been virtually flawless through the 60s, 70s and 80s.

 

 

That song doesn't exist.

 

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that Jackson was a music star long before the release of Thriller. So it should really be no surprise to find a few songs by him on the Year-End chart this year. And it should also be no surprise that one of them rocked hard enough to make it this far.

 

3. "Rock with You" - Michael Jackson

 

 

Granted, listening back to this it does kind of sound like a beta version of Michael Jackson's music to come, but hey. That's still pretty awesome when you're talking about the King of Pop!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho7796-au8U

 

Even at the tender age of ten, I'm pretty sure people could see that Michael was the breakout star of the family. The kid was born with charisma. And you can definitely see that throughout his body of work.

 

 

Again, that song doesn't exist.

 

So even after Jackson's monster smash Thriller, I do still think this song holds up. Is it as good as some of his later stuff? No. But for what it is, it still manages to rock my world. Michael Jackson: truly a legend.

 

Spoiler
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pm4fQRl72k

 

Something people forget about Queen is that they tried on a lot of different hats during their career. I mean, there they are up there doing hair metal. Here they are doing glam rock. And say, how about a little rockabilly in that mix?

 

2. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" - Queen

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EE34cSvZCd8

 

So here you've got one of the most bombastic, powerful bands of all time doing probably one of the safest genres in music you can find. And it's fuckin' awesome.

 

Surprisingly, Freddie's voice works really well with the genre. He doesn't sound restrained or restricted or anything; he sounds right in his element. I guess that's what you get when God hands you the vocals of a superstar.

 

If you hear the phrase "Queen does rockabilly" before this song, you would probably be shaking your head. But it's pulled off so well I think they probably should have done it more often. I kinda like it...

 

Spoiler

Now, up until this point in my listmaking gig here, the #1 song on the chart has never been #1 in my books. It's always been just short of the prize, somewhere in the middle, or even down at the bottom. Well, folks: this year, when it comes to #1s, Billboard got it indisputably right.

 

1. "Call Me" - Blondie

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6QBaZHltJw

 

Blondie was the face of where rock was heading in the early 80's. New wave was taking the public by storm, and to prove it they had the #1 song this year with "Call Me".

 

I've always liked Blondie. Every one of their songs gets me fully invested. But even I know that there's no song of theirs that rocked harder than this one. Well, maybe "One Way or Another". But you get my point! (God, it's painful to see the One Direction version take precedence.)

 

Apparently, what the public wanted more than anything in 1980 was new wave blasts of energy. And who could blame them? This song has star quality, and I'm so glad I can finally make a #1 song my #1 song. Rock on, Blondie. Rock on forever.

 

Well, there they are! Agree? Disagree? Comment below!

 

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"It's Still Rock and Roll to Me" - #19. I do like this song, but it doesn't offer me much other than being catchy and having sax.

 

"Please Don't Go" - #85. Um... uh... *runs*

No, for fuck's sake. Can somebody tell me how one of the most iconic and best artists of the 70s can make this boring schlock in the year I choose to cover? Because I'd much rather hear... any of KC's other hits than this. This is the way, uh huh, uh huh, I hate it.

 

"Babe" - #71. I swear to God I love Styx, but when they're boring they're death.

 

"Pop Muzik" - #70. Just irritating to listen to. I don't exactly know what these guys were going for here, but I don't get it.

 

"Brass in Pocket" - #11. THIS close. I'm sorry Chrissie Hynde </3

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And so it is:

 

Both of Air Supply's songs that made this chart.

Both Boz Scaggs songs (since I've seen you talk about him on one of your status updates)

Give Me the Night

Let My Love Open the Door

I Wanna Be Your Lover

Fame

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"All Out of Love" and "Lost in Love" - #77 and #83 respectively. I think I remember saying once that "All Out of Love" was the worst song of the 80's, but then I forgot other shit existed and now here we are. It's not even my least favourite Air Supply song now. Regardless, both are still incredibly boring, useless songs.

 

"Breakdown Dead Ahead" and "Jojo" - #43 and #50 respectively. It's not that I hate this guy's music, but if you hear the name "Boz Scaggs", does "discount Billy Joel" pop into your mind for what this guy's music would sound like? Well, it didn't for me, and I was pretty disappointed with what I got.

 

"Give Me the Night" - #34. Woo, funky.

 

"Let My Love Open the Door" - #20. Now here's the weird entry from a rock legend that paid off this year. I don't know what it is about this song, but something about it just kicks with me.

 

"I Wanna Be Your Lover" - #33. First off, God damn it Prince, make your songs available on YouTube. Second, much like "Rock with You", I feel this is beta Prince more than anything, but like I said with Michael, that still makes it good.

 

"Fame" - #30. It's no "What a Feeling", but it ain't bad.

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Here we go...

 

Ride Like the Wind - #31. Yep. That song sure does exist. I honestly don't know how it ended up so high.

 

Little Jeannie - #88. I think I'm starting to discover that I don't like Elton John nearly as much as everyone else does.

 

On the Radio - #24. Donna Summer pretty much solidifies her "queen of disco" status here.

 

I Can't Tell You Why - #78. I think this song more than any other is what gives the Eagles their bad reputation. How can anyone even listen to this, it's like half a song.

 

Don't Do Me Like That - #29. Catchy Tom Petty tune that is catchy and is also rather infectious.

 

You May Be Right - #32. Billy Joel is that artist that I like but don't really love.

 

Off the Wall - #25. More beta Michael Jackson, "Rock with You" was just better.

 

Refugee - #18. Songs like this and "Here Comes My Girl"  make Damn the Torpedoes one of my favourite albums.

 

Take the Long Way Home - #61. I love Supertramp, but this song is a fucking drag,

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All right folks, now for my next list, just like every other one, I'll be doing a year that nobody has ever covered here, ever...

 

2005

 

Yeah, this is going to be a fun ride, especially given that... wait, what?

 

http://www.thesbcommunity.com/forums/index.php?/topic/11758-steels-best-worst-of-year-end-billboard-hot-100-2005/?p=665623

 

How can this be?! I'm the music guy on this site! I should have gotten this first! Now it'll look like I'm merely a sad ripoff of someone else! I mean, more so!

 

Well, time to dust myself off and plow through this year anyway. My Top 10 and Bottom 10 sometime this month!

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