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Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)


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Okay, 1973! Seriously, I love the 70's. No matter how much kitschy crap it threw at us, the good stuff was excellent. So much funk, soul, rock, even country music making the charts sing. Unfortunately, the aforementioned kitschy stuff is what we have to deal with if we want to get to the good stuff. Hey, I didn't make this rule up! Well... actually, I did, but you know what I mean! Well... maybe you don't, but... on to the list!

 

Wumbo's Bottom 10 Songs of 1973

 

Spoiler

Okay, so you're going through a year like 1973 and you expect the worst stuff to just be forgettable fluff that rightfully died out with the year it came in, right? Well... yeah, that's what you probably should be expecting, but sometimes the classic artists of that year have a way of sucking, too. So, you can all just sit back and wonder how many friends I'm going to lose with this one.

 

10. "Crocodile Rock" - Elton John

 

 

By Elton John's own admission, this song is about all the classic rock and roll of the 60's. And okay, that's a nice sentiment for a song. But when you punctuate it with

 

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/6085605

 

that, you kind of ruin the momentum of good 60's rock and roll, or good music in general, really. And I'm not gonna lie: those moments where he just does that horrible falsetto are the prime reason this song is in my Bottom 10. Take it out, and the song is... okay, I guess. I've never been the biggest Elton John fan; he's only got a few truly remarkable songs to me. So if you take a decent song and punctuate it with

 

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/6085605

 

that, you earn a spot on my Bottom 10. Sorry, Rocket Man. Better luck next time, I hope.

 

Spoiler

9. "Touch Me in the Morning" - Diana Ross

 

 

Wow, I'm really beating up on classic artists here, aren't I? (Spoilers: more to come.) I honestly don't know why this song grates on me so much; by all accounts, it's still Diana Ross doing her thing. Maybe the tempo's just off, maybe the instruments aren't quite right. Maybe it's too loud and in-your-face for the sweet, sultry song it's clearly trying to be. But damn... yeah, this is not working for me at all. Like... none of the elements are coming together for me. I feel like I'm missing something when I listen to this song, because... it was a big hit! (Spoilers: More of those to come.)

 

It's honestly just kind of baffling to me how I can hate this song so much when I put The Supremes so high in my 1967 list. But I guess that's what you get when you ditch your roots, go solo, and come out with a mess of a song. This song doesn't touch me anywhere, anytime. Next!

 

Spoiler

1973 was full of a lot of things I loved. Unfortunately, it was also full of a lot of saccharin, useless bullshit. Example:

 

8. "The Morning After" - Maureen McGovern

 

 

That's the hangup with the 70's: to get to the good stuff, you have to sift through a lot of schmaltz. (Spoilers: More of that.) But surprisingly, a lot of it didn't bother me too much because I felt it came from a real place - example: aww, listen to this guy sing about his daughter. How unbelievably precious! <3

 

But seriously, even though it's at about the same level musically, I enjoy it more because it sounds like it's coming from a real place: namely, Gilbert O'Sullivan's love for his daughter, Clair. But this? Well, this is just Splenda for the sake of being Splenda. It's cheap, it's sweet, and it causes cancer.

 

And I guess it tries to go for some kind of universal message - hold on tight with your lover, wait for the sunrise - but the song is jsut so boring, so vague and so pointless that I can't invest in anything it's trying to do. If there's a morning after, let's all work to make sure this song is eradicated from our memory.

 

*2 seconds later*

 

Boom. Done. What was I talking about? Wow, this song sounds like it sucks. Maybe I should write a review on it.

 

Spoiler

Why me, Lord?

 

Now there's a decent sentiment for a song! "Why me, Lord?" He's questioning his place in this universe. This should be interesting.

 

...

 

zzzzzzzz

 

7. "Why Me" - Kris Kristofferson

 

Okay, I'm sorry. I tried to look at this song through the best light I could give it, but it just does not do a thing for me. It's about the vaguest, most useless message to God I've ever heard in a song. Just... ugh! He's not saying anything! This is one of those prayers that a 5-year-old makes up because his parents force him to pray before bed. Usually I can't think of what exactly to add to a song to make it better, but this one needs detail and specificity. No question about it. There's no story here; he's just saying "Lord" so the God-lovin' country-lovin' public would eat it up like a bowl of yesterday's soup. Jesus, help me to be a better man and not be quite so petty about these sorts of things. But even so, help Kris Kristofferson with his lyric writing.

 

My soul's in your hands

 

Yeah, well, it should have been in your music. Next!

 

Spoiler

Paul Simon, not you too.

 

6. "Loves Me Like a Rock" - Paul Simon

 

 

Look, I don't know what's wrong with me, okay? Maybe I just have no taste. Maybe it's something more primal, like I was dropped on my head as a kid. Whatever it is, though, I can safely say that this song just does absolutely nothing for me. And that shouldn't be! For God's sake, it's got a good beat to it, and the lyrics actually tell an interesting story. So where's my beef? Well... beyond the beat, honestly, the song does not have a lot going for it musically. And I just can't get behind the sentiment of loving somebody like a rock. I mean, it was the 70's, so pet rocks were in. But I don't think that's quite the point of this song.

 

And it just keeps on going, over and over again. Loves me like a rock, loves me like a rock... what does that mean?! I'm beginning to think this is about pet rocks.

 

 

Stop pet rock abuse. Make better songs for them. This has been a PSA.

 

Spoiler

You're so vain, you...

 

I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE WHO THIS SONG'S ABOUT! I. DON'T. CAAAAREEE.

 

 

You stay out of this!

 

5. "You're So Vain" - Carly Simon

 

 

Ugh. Yeah, I've never liked this song, partly based on the idea that it's this big, wonderful mystery wondering who this song is about. Who cares? it's not even actually about them... at least, that's what this song says. Which... doesn't make any sense, because it is about them. Stop hurting my head!

 

This big, fat mystery apparently plagued the American public so much that Carly Simon actually auctioned off the secret to who this song is about. I'm sorry, are you kidding me? Spend your money on better things, like Easy Bake Ovens. Mmm... it almost tastes like food.

 

I just find this song more irritating than anything. Every time it comes on the radio, I want to turn it off. The smugness of it all just really gets to me. It's being all coy without any of the charm. Who wants that in a song?

 

I hope the person who this song really is about never finds out, because not only is it an insult to them, it's an insult to whoever listens to it. This song sure is about something: it's about to make my head explode.

 

Spoiler

Okay, so in this Bottom 10 thus far, I've tackled Elton John, Diana Ross, and Paul Simon. Anyone else I'm missing? Another legendary artist that deserves to be taken down a peg?

 

bc9b7f76efd01e49473330d85427dc9a.jpg

 

Whoa. I'm really asking for it this time.

 

 

Okay, so we all know Paul McCartney as the guy who played guitar for Kanye West on "FourFiveSeconds", but believe it or not, he had a pretty successful career before then, too! There was this band. They were called The Beatles and they rocked! Then he had this band called Wings and...

 

 

they did not rock as much.

 

Now, Paul's post-Beatles career has gotten a lot of flak from the critical eye, but I'm a little more lenient on his stuff, especially with Wings, who could crank out an enjoyable song now and again. But even I had limits.

 

4. "My Love" - Paul McCartney & Wings

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKuFyHwG188

 

I really wish Linda McCartney didn't have this boring song in tribute to her, because I know Paul loved her very much and was just trying to make a good song for her in tribute. But like I said... damn, is it boring. Just this meandering, slow song that doesn't go anywhere with its melody and just feels like a wet blanket draped over a microphone. At least Paul wrote "Maybe I'm Amazed" as well, which still isn't a great song but better and with more energy than this.

 

Spoiler

Ladies and gentlemen, witness the greatest stage presence of all time, Helen Reddy.

 

3. "Delta Dawn" - Helen Reddy

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afsp7MU-nTI

 

Watch the way she staggers from foot to foot while also standing still. Look how she maneuvers her eyes around the room, not having a clue where to actually look. It's a master performance in the art of "what the fuck am I doing here". Also, this song is useless.

 

Another melody that goes nowhere, and therefore a song that serves no purpose. I feel like songs like these just get popular because they're easy to play on the radio and nobody will object to them. Well, I object! I object to boring, useless music like this getting popular! Who's with me? Let's start a Helen Reddy hate group!

 

No one? Hmm... I guess my fanbase is a lot more fickle than I thought. Whatever. Helen Reddy hater group of one! Who's with me? That's right, me. I love me.

 

Spoiler

The number one song in America for 1973. I hope you're all proud of yourselves.

 

2. "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree" - Tony Orlando and Dawn

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NCZ4l8FCFc

 

The first moment I heard this song, I knew it was destined for my Bottom 10, if not my #1 worst. Holy crap, this is 70's kitsch at its worst. The worst kind of 70's music sounded just like this: music that you could end up hearing on kid's cassette tapes, with no substance and nothing of interest.

 

Maybe if the yellow ribbon represented something more than just something to tie around a tree to signify that you want the guy you're with to come back home, but as it is, it's just meaningless. And the song ends, and it turns out there's actually a hundred yellow ribbons tied around the tree! Yay...?

 

There should be a multitude of ribbons tied around this song to fix it, but I don't even think that would save it. There's only so much you can do to save a disaster like this. This oak tree's going down, and Ke$ha's yelling timber.

 

Spoiler

Okay, I was pretty sure that "Yellow Ribbon" was going to be my #1, which would be an interesting twist: The #1 song of the year would also be my #1 worst song. But then... well, I might have just heard the creeper anthem of 1973, and I'm still not sure I've recovered.

 

1. "Playground in My Mind" - Clint Holmes

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFONCfjewgM

 

This is the type of song that you just scratch your head to and wonder why it ever became popular. Who is this Clint Holmes guy? Are our children safe from him? He's imagining a playground in his mind where he just...

 

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/6086716

 

...what is this?

 

Yeah, in the middle of the song comes probably the weirdest and creepiest thing in this Hot 100. He starts singing along in the first person with this little boy. Why? I guess so he can marry the childlike persona he wishes to give off with an actual child, but then he sings along with this lyric:

 

I'm gonna buy you

All kinds of candy

 

AAAAH AAAAH CREEPER ALERT CREEPER ALERT

 

Did this guy seriously not see the implications of singing along with a little boy to a lyric like that? Holy crap, this is...

 

My girl is Cindy

When we get married

 

OH MY GOD DON'T START SINGING ABOUT MARRYING A LITTLE GIRL. EW. EW.

 

I... can't even begin to find the words to describe how unpleasant, and creepy, and awful this song is. There is no way any other song was worse than this one this year. Thankfully, this one didn't survive the ages, probably because it's awful. But it's music like this that keeps the 70's from being perfect. Clint Holmes, stay away from playgrounds and stay away from me.

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So it looks like people feel differently than me about "Crocodile Rock". Well, I'll be an alligator's uncle! No, but seriously, I get that people might like it. Heck, I honestly don't think it's that bad of a song. I just find it average without the "LALALALA"s, and bad with them. This was also one of those years where I was reaching to find badness, because damn, this year rocked!

 

 

It also funked.

 

 

And souled.

 

 

Make no mistake, '73 was a killer year on the year-end chart. All these great genres of music coming together for one big happy year. In fact, I'm going to say it: it's close, but the king has been dethroned. This is now the best year of music I've reviewed so far, beating out '83. So let's get to the best of the best. The cream of the crop. It's...

 

Wumbo's Top 10 Songs of 1973

 

Spoiler

I like to keep myself informed on the pop music of different time periods, but I have to admit that I knew next to nothing about this man. Looking on his Wikipedia page, he was a session player for The Beatles, Sam Cooke, Ray Charles. Say, that's a pretty impressive catalogue! I hope I'm not disappointed.

 

...

 

I was not disappointed.

 

10. "Will It Go Round in Circles" - Billy Preston

 

 

You gotta admire a song that can hook you from the beginning with the way one instrument is played. That keyboard plunking just sucks you right into the song. Billy Preston's singing isn't half bad, either. It doesn't really get too outspoken until the end, but he's also got just the right intonation and rhythm to keep the song flowing. It's funny, he says he's got a song but no melody, yet I can definitely find myself humming to this. Until I listen to it again. And then it happens again, and it just ends up going around in circles.... cosmic. Anyway, great song by a great performer. Died too soon, by the way.

 

Spoiler

9. "Long Train Runnin'" - The Doobie Brothers

 

 

Again, it's just one instrument that has to hook me with this, but the guitar riff really helps to get the song going. The Doobie Brothers have started other songs with guitar riffs, but I think this one is quintessentially Doobie; kind of folksy-sounding, but still chugs along for an awesome riff to lead into the song.

 

I gotta say, it's nice to hear some relaxed, laid-back rock in contrast to the hard rock we usually get. The Doobies make it sound so effortless, and that's admirable in a sense. Rock on and chill out.

 

Spoiler

 

I'm probably going to take a look at the show Louie sometime soon. I love Louis C.K.'s comedy, and I've heard that his show is pretty groundbreaking. Worth a check-out. But until then, let's just enjoy that awesome theme song in its entirety!

 

8. "Brother Louie" - Stories

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exl0oSfTSoY

 

You gotta love sharing a name with the name in this song and being able to use it for the theme song. i wish they had done a similar thing with the name "Eric". Oh well, my sitcom career will take off anyway.

 

Actually, this isn't even the original version. The original version was by British soul band Hot Chocolate, who were probably better known for this song. Honestly, I kind of prefer the Stories version. It's got more energy and flavour in its chorus, and I can see why it was chosen by Louis C.K. to represent his show over the original. LOUIE LOUIE LOUIE LOO-WEEEE-EEE...

 

Spoiler

Funky.

 

7. "Superstition" - Stevie Wonder

 

 

Aw hell yeah. don't you dare tell me you don't like Stevie Wonder. The man has some legendary-status songs, this being one of them. It's just such a breath-taker with how funky and fresh and cool it is. Right down to the screaming Stevie does before the end of the chorus. God damn, I love this song and this man. You just listen to this song and you instantly start grooving. you know what I'm talking about. you're probably doing it right now!

 

Stevie Wonder was one of the undisputed stars of the 70's, and it's easy to see why with songs like this. He drove funk music right to its very essence, smooth as butter and cool as ice cream. Boss level of music right here.

 

Spoiler

For my #6 spot, we're going to turn things down a notch. It's a slow song about lovin' and kissin' and infidelity... wait, what?

 

6. "Me and Mrs. Jones" - Billy Paul

 

 

Yeah, typically it's not the slow songs that make it onto my Top 10 lists...

 

 

Well, except that. But anyway, usually my songs are upbeat, or dark. But this one? Just a straight-up slow soul song. Why is it here? Well... there's a certain "je ne sais quoi" to it. Actually, i know what it is: Mrs. Jones is a cheater.

 

Billy Paul's lyrics here are smart. He's not cheating to be malicious, and he's certainly not happy about the circumstances. For God's sake, just listen to his voice! He sounds like he's going to burst out crying at some points!

 

He knows what he's doing is wrong, but he can't stop anyway because he is just so massively entranced by this woman. It's goddamn heartbreaking, is what it is. I'm just glad that this song inspired a legion of pop stars to take this matter as seriously as he did...

 

 

Oh yeah. Well, we still have Billy Paul. God bless his naughty soul.

 

Spoiler

So these songs so far have not only had great melodies, but also interesting lyrics that, more often than not, tell a story. There just aren't as many good lyricists as there once were penning pop songs. With that in mind, anyone care for an instrumental?

 

5. "Frankenstein" - Edgar Winter Group

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIldF-pGUCU

 

Man, you just gotta love a song that just has a bunch of guys in the studio jamming out on whatever instrument gets into their hands. I posted the video above for those who want a more digestible version of the song, but I recommend this one:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8f-Qb-bwlU

 

Hair like a Barbie doll, skills like a legend. But seriously, sometimes all you have to do to notch a hit is just jam. That's what they did here, and it worked. This song also really worked as an advocate for synths and keyboards in rock music, something that would continue to get more and more prevalent. Nice to see where it all stemmed from, or at least where a major stepping stone was to be had. Seriously, just watch the nine minutes of bliss. There's not much more I can say here.

 

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNtO91LJ_f0

 

As a lot of you may know, my favourite band is the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Their blending of funk music with rock and groovy California vibes just works so well. They embody music for me. But because they didn't exist in 1973, I'll talk about their predecessors and influences instead. Now I love the Chili Peppers, but I gotta say, I think they owe a lot to this band right here:

 

4. "The Cisco Kid" - War

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEDB62oKv2M

 

The Chili Peppers took a lot of influence from 70's funk artists. But when I think of the melding of funk with rock and roll, I think of War, one of the most laid-back yet politically conscious bands of the era.

 

Take this song, for example. It's about an outlaw character drinking whiskey and chasing gringos, yet it sounds like the lead singer's just chilling out with him. That's exactly the kind of thing that the Chili Peppers can do with their music: just chill out. War had to have been an influence on the guys, and it's no wonder that they make my best list as a result. Groovy.

 

Spoiler

Oh, and speaking of the Chili Peppers...

 

3. "Higher Ground" - Stevie Wonder

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wZ3ZG_Wams

 

Yeah, that segue went nicely. Here's an awesome cover of an awesome song. But hell, let's talk about the original, one of the greatest and most memorable funk songs of all time.

 

It was a good year for Stevie, with both Talking Book and Innervisions notching hit singles on the chart. This is his Innervisions single, and it's the best of them this year. There's such an energy to it. It just sounds like Stevie's having the time of his life performing this song. Damn it, that's what music should be! You should enjoy playing it!

 

Just listen to that progression on the chorus. He is just plowing his way through this song, and it's an enjoyable listen all the way through. Definitely one of Stevie's best songs, and one of the best songs of the 70's. Damn, what a year.

 

Spoiler

2. "Let's Get It On" - Marvin Gaye

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6QZn9xiuOE

 

A song that needs no introduction... probably because it's been beaten into the damn ground. But oh god, what a good song to beat into the ground.

 

Some might recall that I put "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" surprisingly low on my 1967 list. I gave the excuse that it's basically become a cliché at this point, which is true. But if that's the case, why is this song on my Top 10 list, when it's pretty much the biggest cliché of all when it comes to sex songs?

 

Well... "Ain't No Mountain" might just be a little corny.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcZZlQ4Tmrc

 

Oh, come on! You know it's true! Anyways, I still like the song, but there's a reason why that one wears on me and this doesn't. Take away the overplay, overuse and overexposure, and you've still got an undeniably awesome song with "Let's Get It On".

 

I mean, this song didn't get to be the go-to sex anthem by accident. Not only is it a sexy song, it's also a really sex-positive and socially conscious song. When's the last time you heard a guy sing "I won't try to push you" when talking about sex? That's really a message that needs to be heard!

 

Actually, if we're being totally honest here, the song should probably be titled, "We Can Get It On if You Want to, But It's Totally Up to You, No Pressure or Anything". Hmm. Seems wordy. Oh well. Awesome song from an awesome artist.

 

Spoiler

I... I have a confession to make. This #1 song is not really from 1973. It's from 1969. But because it was released in the US in 1973, that's when it entered the charts, and that's why it qualifies for this list. To the American public, this is a 1973 song. And I may as well join the crowd if it means I can talk about this awesome piece of music and put it as my #1 of 1973. Here ya go.

 

1. "Space Oddity" - David Bowie

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYMCLz5PQVw

 

When I saw this song near the end of the chart, I just knew it would end up being my #1 on this list, even in a year as great as 1973 was. In fact, forget 1973; this is one of my favourite songs of all time.

 

You just know that Bowie could be the only one to perform this song and make it a hit, even if it's only a modest one. The song is quintessentially Bowie, with offbeat subject matter, an unnerving yet soothing atmosphere, and just all-around great music. I love those guitar breakdowns. I love the "can you hear me Major Tom?" repeated. I love the countdown. I love everything about this song. David Bowie, God bless you, and may you someday make it back home to whatever wonderful planet you came from. That's 1973, folks. God damn fantastic year. Happy to talk about it. As always, feel free to comment on the songs I put in and the ones I left out. Seeya with a new year in June!

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You know what to do:

 

-Reelin' in the Years

-Smoke in the Water

-Stuck in the Middle With You

-Live and Let Die

-Funky Worm

-Papa Was a Rollin' Stone

-Money

-Drift Away

-Killing Me Softly with His Song

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On 5/30/2015 at 11:57 PM, Halibut said:

Wait, Money was on the top 100? Oh boy, Wumbo's got a lot of explaining to do on why it wasn't in his top 10 :smirk:

I dunno, going back to it, it doesn't really mold in with the rest of DSOTM

Still a great song, but still

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I dunno, going back to it, it doesn't really mold in with the rest of DSOTM

Still a great song, but still

Well it was released as a single, it kinda had to stand on its own for it to work. :P

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"Reelin' in The Years": #27. There's a lot to love about "Reelin' in the Years". It's got that guitar solo after the second chorus that just rocks, the vocals in the verses that seem to roll right off the tongue. I'm gushing about this song, yet it barely cracked my top 30. Use that as evidence to show how awesome this year was.

 

"Smoke on the Water": #28. Coming in just behind "Reelin'" with one of the most iconic guitar riffs of all time. Definitely found its place in rock history, though I think Deep Purple has even better songs than this one.

 

"Stuck in the Middle with You": #25. The aping of Bob Dylan's style as parody ironically gave this band its image. Give 'em a slap on the back and say pleeeease...

 

"Live and Let Die": #47. Definitely a better song than "My Love", and honestly anything making it into the top half of this year is doing a lot right.

 

"Funky Worm": #58. This one's definitely out there. i don't know if it works all the way through, but it's definitely memorable. I can't help but think that this is essentially the Ohio Players performing "Disco Duck", though.

 

"Papa Was a Rollin' Stone": #24. For my money, the best Temptations song. Give the full version a listen and see why.

 

"Money": #18. Yeah, so this is one of Pink Floyd's iconic songs, everybody knows it/loves it. And this placed pretty high on my list in an awesome year, so I love it too. But even so, I just don't think it measures up to the tracks in my top 10. While there was a lot of great rock this year, funk ended up taking center stage save for a few blisteringly awesome rock and soul songs. I love Pink Floyd, but compared to a complete instrumental breakdown like "Frankenstein" or the god-tier "Space Oddity", there just wasn't any room for this song in my top 10. Sorry.

 

"Drift Away": #11. So close and yet so far. For the record, I can't stand Uncle Kracker's version of this song.

 

"Killing Me Softly with His Song": #31. I grew up with the Fugees' take on this song, and listening to this version I think both do the song justice.

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All right, it's June! (Seriously, already? Where does the time go?) Now that we've covered a year from the 70's, let's step directly out of that decade and move on to...

 

1980

 

Hmm, is this year really as bad as Todd says it is? To put in other words, are the charts magic, or will they make me want to escape? Let's find out together! Top 10 and Bottom 10 sometime this month!

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The only clues I know of why Todd said 1980 is cuz' Air Supply and Billy Joel.

 

 

As for my own small thoughts on said year, gotta love me some Gary Numan.

Why would Todd hate Billy Joel, he's one of the most respectable musicians of the past century

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