Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)

[Wumbo]

Where would you put Safety Dance?

Juuust made it into the top half. And that's not a knock on the song, mind you. That's a commentary on the year, when awesome stuff like "Safety Dance" struggles to even reach the top half.

[Steel Sponge]

Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) is not anywhere on the best tier, I am disappoint. Regardless, what are your thoughts on that?

[Wumbo]

#56. Nothing wrong with the song, I like me some Journey (certainly better than Styx was this year, whoof). But there were simply 55 more awesome songs this year.

 

Now, if this was a music video ranking...

 

 

This would be #1.

[Clappy]

I take back anything I said about Lionel Ritchie being the worst thing in 1983.  Holy shit I forgot about Puttin' on the Ritz.  God that song's just atrocious.  Worst song from your Bottom 10 list to me.

 

Otherwise, can't really complain about your Top 10 except Billie Jean being too low, but Come On Eileen is fantastic and is a deserving number one.

[Sweat]

I take back anything I said about Lionel Ritchie being the worst thing in 1983.  Holy shit I forgot about Puttin' on the Ritz.  God that song's just atrocious.  Worst song from your Bottom 10 list to me.

 

Otherwise, can't really complain about your Top 10 except Billie Jean being too low, but Come On Eileen is fantastic and is a deserving number one.

Do you at least like All Night Long

[Wumbo]

Wow, look at that! It's a new month! And a new month for me means a new year. No, I'm not from Mercury. It's time for another Year-End list!

 

Hmm... which one, which one... oh! You know which ones are always fun to look at? The awkward teenage years of pop music. I'm talking about the first years of each decade, where the transition from one decade to the next is odd and occasionally horrifying. Just like teenagers. Now then, which one shall we do?

 

1990

 

Hmm... another year in paradise, or a year of poison? Only one way to find out. Expect Top and Bottom 10 of 1990 sometime this month!

[Burgerpants]

This year is full of guilty pleasures.

 

That Micheal Bolton tho

[Clappy]

HONEY I'LL BBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOUR SHELTER

[Steel Sponge]

YOU! GOT WHAT I NEEEEEEEED

[Sweat]

Don't Wanna Fall in Love better be in your top 10, Wumbo

[SG19]

BLACK VELVET WITH THAT SLOW SOUTHERN STYYYLE

[Burgerpants]

So uh

[Wumbo]

Busy, hectic month for me bro. Probably gonna have to wait until the very end of the month before it comes out.

[Wumbo]

Okay, so the 1990 list is all finished. And... honestly, looking over it, it's not a horrible year. I love at least a quarter of these songs, which is more than I can say for a year like 2002. But 1990 also has its fair share of problems. It's a transition year, and more often than not it doesn't seem to know what the hell it's doing with itself. Bad 80's trends stuck around, newer trends were still in their pupa stages, Milli Vanilli continued to exist. 1990 wasn't perfect, no. In fact, I'm going to say this right now: this, so far, is the worst Bottom 10 I have ever composed. Worse than 2011 or 2013. These ten songs blow chunks. So let's start wading through the manure pile, because it's time for...

 

Wumbo's Bottom 10 Songs of 1990

 

Spoiler

1990! The breakout years of Bell Biv DeVoe and Mariah Carey! Truly, no matter what you think of the year, it did have some new stars to be proud of. And which one did we give the top spot on the charts?

 

10. "Hold On" - Wilson Phillips

 

 

....ehhhhh?

 

Are there any Wilson Phillips fans left in the world? Were there ever any Wilson Phillips fans? You know, other than their famous parents? Yeah, you can't convince me that nepotism didn't play a part in the success of these warbling bobbleheads. Hell, they probably bought out the record stores. I certainly don't know anybody with a Wilson Phillips album, and I don't know anybody who likes this song. It's about the schmaltziest white-bread bullshit you can get in a pop song. Am I supposed to be inspired by these lyrics when they don't sound inspired themselves? They sound like they're singing phonetically!

 

Some DAY someBOdy's gonnamakeyouwanna turn around and say goodbyeeeeieee

 

Yes, and those somebodies are you. Goodbye, Wilson Phillips! And good riddance.

 

Spoiler

You know what really gets me about this song? That awful audio skip in the beginning, telling me "we don't give a fuck about creating a good song, so why should you give a fuck about listening to it?" Well, nice try, but you don't escape my list that easily.

 

9. "She Ain't Worth It" - Glenn Medeiros and Bobby Brown

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBdduYqdy3s

 

To my benefit, that's not the only thing wrong with this song, so I have more to talk about. First off, listen to that beat. Not the synths, just the beat. I got sick of that beat pretty quickly, not because it's particularly bad, but because I swear to god I heard that beat on at least ten other songs this year. To be fair to those other songs, though, this one is easily the worst of them, with Glenn Medeiros doing his best to... emulate a douchey George Michael, or something, and Bobby Brown putting on a rap performance that I can only assume inspired the 12-year-old on "Want U Back". Hell, that kid's got him beat. Too bad he wasn't around in 1990.

 

Look, Marky Mark perfected the douchiness of the early 90's, and once we had him we had even less reason for this song to exist. This is just pathetic. You guys ain't worth it, and you ain't worth further commentary.

 

Spoiler

I... don't even know where I'm supposed to go with this one.

 

8. "Sending All My Love" - Linear

 

 

Who the hell are these guys? A boy band? A Eurodance act? A... a hair metal group? They're certainly not a dance act, you just have to watch the video to see that.

 

Okay, so after some preliminary research, Linear are a freestyle pop group, a popular form of music within the Latino community. I'm not familiar with my freestyle, but I'm going to go right ahead and assume that these guys are not a good representation of their genre.

 

I mean, this song, man. It's so painfully muddled. I guess with the ear-piercingly high frequencies, I'm supposed to take this as a fun song. Okay, cool. Could someone tell the singer that?

 

What's the point of this song? What am I supposed to feel during it? Love? Energy? Burning hatred? I'm leaning close towards that last one. A love song mixed with peppy dance beats mixed with a singer on melatonin... none of it comes together. and if this is what that genre sounds like overall, then I'm sorry. It's not the genre for me. But if it's just Linear, then for the love of god, stop ruining your probably wonderful genre's reputation! Wherever you're sending your love, they should probably send it back.

 

Spoiler

7. "Ice Ice Baby" - Vanilla Ice

 

 

All right, I'm just going to take this time to be grateful that Eminem exists, because without him we might still be thinking about this guy.

 

When I made a bottom 50 songs of all time list, many of the songs I now just find tedious and boring, and I can't bring myself to hate them. This one was on there though, and a good three years later, it's completely justified. Vanilla Ice still fucking sucks.

 

Miami's on the scene, in case you didn't know it

 

No, I didn't know Miami was on the scene. Are you putting Miami on the scene? That's a laugh. I'm pretty sure Sean Kingston did more for Miami than you ever will, pal.

 

Look, if you're a white rapper, you're already treading dangerous waters, so you have to prove yourself and find a place in hip hop. Eminem? Definitely. Beastie Boys? Found their niche. Vanilla Ice? No freaking way. I know I've bagged on other rappers in the past, but Vanilla Ice will probably be my least favourite rapper until the day I die, because he simply doesn't belong there. Aerosmith has more rap cred than Vanilla Ice does!

 

I could probably go over every moment in this song and discuss why my skin crawls each blistering second, but there's six other songs that I have to get to, and I'm not about to waste any more time on this thieving, dweeby douchebag. Yo, let's get out of here. Word to your mother. Ugh.

 

Spoiler

So I was pretty harsh on "Ice Ice Baby", rightfully so. But get this: There's still six songs I found worse than that one! Worst Bottom 10, I'm telling you. Anyway, hair metal ballads!

 

 

There were a metric fuckton of hair metal ballads this year. I guess they tried to squeeze them all out before the 90's really began. Some were okay, like the Skid Row one above. Some were terrible, like Mötley Crüe's offering. Mötley Crüe always seem to be that hair metal band that does everything just a little bit worse. But my pick for the worst one of the bunch isn't really a hair metal ballad at all... but it may as well be.

 

6. "If Wishes Came True" - Sweet Sensation

 

 

The closest thing I can use to describe this song is if Wilson Phillips went hair metal ballad. It's a bizarre anomaly of a song, but not in a good way like "Come on Eileen". Instead, it's like a mish-mash of popular musical ideas that just don't come together and don't do any justice to any of the elements. It's a complete mess.

 

Belinda Carlisle uses similar musical ideas in some of her work, but the difference is she has the pipes to back it up. This schmaltzy, weaksauce vocal performance does nothing for the song and that's what gives it the cheesy hair metal sludge, rather than the good kind of cheese. Quality cheese. Fresh from the fromagérie... hmm, I'm getting hungry.

 

So the verdict is that this sweet sensation ain't so sweet at all. If I had to give this song a taste, it would be dirty gym socks on an anchovy pizza. And if you were initiated into a frat house, you know exactly what that tastes like. Anyway, moving on.

 

Spoiler

What's that? Wilson Phillips had another hit this year? It's even worse? Oh, tell me more!

 

5. "Release Me" - Wilson Phillips

 

 

For all of "Hold On"'s faults, at least it tried to attempt to try to sound upbeat. This is like if "Hold On" gave up. I mean, "Hold On" was boring enough. Are you really telling me that we needed this to be a hit as well? This song is so... nothing!

 

Look, I don't know where the genes mixed up, but Wilson Phillips don't exactly measure up to their roots. I mean, they've got some pretty impressive roots, but still. It's like they're not even from the same family. Brian Wilson and The Mamas and the Papas wouldn't dare create something this boring. Though I suppose in a way, they did. Anyway, I'd write more about this song, but I got distracted by my off-white wall. Staring at the wall is a release of sorts, you could say. A release from Wilson Phillips, one of the most tepid groups of all time.

 

Spoiler

..sorry, what? This wall is just so interesting. You'll have to really jar me to get me back into the groove...

 

Been around the world and AYYYEAYYYYEAYYYYE

 

Yikes! Okay, I'm back.

 

4. "All Around the World" - Lisa Stansfield

 

 

In addition to all its faults, 1990 seemed to be the year where we just let anybody walk into a recording studio, sing, and release a record. I'm sorry, I don't know who this is. Apparently she's been around the world and AYYYEAYYYEAYYE since 1981, but I have absolutely no interest in checking out her work with Blue Zone, or anything else, because this vocal performance is wretched. While composing this list, I went through a few terrible songs in a row, and this was the one that broke me for the day. I almost gave up hope for 1990 to ever get better. Thankfully, it did. But unfortunately, AYYYYEAYYYEAYYYYE also found three songs this year that were even worse than this one. And this song is terrible. It's loud, obnoxious, and maybe you can't find your baby because he's hiding from your goat-bleating performance! So, what could be worse than this? Let's find out.

 

Spoiler

Remember the duets I complained about in 1983? The ones by older artists that had no business being around new artists like MJ and Prince? Well... perhaps I should offer an apology to all of those particular songs, because 1990 showed me just how bad they can get.

 

3. "Don't Know Much" - Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UE5hLOSEB3Q

 

This is the song I listened to right before "All Around the World", and it was originally just above it but I made a last-minute change-around because this really is worse than "All Around the World". I mean, at least "All Around the World" was upbeat. I'd call this one a snore, but I don't know how I could ever fall asleep to this because oh my god, Aaron Neville's voice sounds awful with an adult contemporary ballad. This warbling, wavery, shaky vocal performance is what pushed this one over the top for me. Also, this cheesy lyric scheme doesn't help.

 

Look at this face

I know the years are showing

Look at this life

I still don't know where it's going

Look at this stuff

Isn't it neat?

Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?

 

Whoa, I just gave this song far too much credit. Sorry, Ariel. Keep doing you. As for this song, well, you claim that you don't know much. Could you learn a little more about not creating godawful music? Thanks!

 

Spoiler

Okay, that does it. Keith Sweat, you're on the list.

 

2. "Make You Sweat" - Keith Sweat

 

 

After Keith Sweat released this, I have no idea why we decided to keep him around for the rest of the decade. I mean, it's not like he went on to prove himself or anything. He didn't have any hits as repulsive as this, but still, we didn't need more Keith Sweat, especially not after hearing this nonsense.

 

You say no

I say yes

Girl I bet

I can make you sweat

 

Wait, wait a second. What were those first lyrics?

 

You say no

I say yes

 

...do you hate these blurred lines, Keith Sweat?

 

Okay, let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the girl is just doubting that he can... make her sweat. The song is still unfathomably stupid and sleazy though. And having the rapey connotation lodged into my brain doesn't help matters at all. Seriously, why did we keep this guy around? He's the Jeremih of the 90's. I say no, no, no, to Keith Sweat. I hope his perspiration has an expiration. Ha ha! I crack me up. The song still sucks, though. *sigh*

 

Spoiler

The bad music this year was really, really bad. Like, there's a lot of songs I didn't even get to. It seemed like every corner I turned, there was a formerly killer rock band devolving into a horribly boring waste, or some guy trying to emulate Lionel Richie, or Paula Abdul singing with a goddamn cartoon cat, or Michael Bolton. There was a lot of Michael Bolton. God damn Michael Bolton. I think the fact that I didn't have any room for that donkey-rooster hybrid speaks volumes about this year's bad points.

 

But even so... I was not prepared for the level of bad, awful, unbearable music that was this. And this, my friends, is why I diligently go through the entire list. Because if not, I might not have been introduced to the worst hit song of 1990.

 

1. "This One's for the Children" - New Kids on the Block

 

 

You've got to be kidding me.

 

This is a very serious message so all of you please listen

 

No, no, no. You lost me, New Kids. You're a stupid boy band. You don't get to do a "serious message". You're not qualified, you're not talented, you're not allowed!

 

And if you haven't already been lost by that point, listen to the rest of this song to see my point. It's... is this a joke? There has to be some sort of self-awareness in here. They cannot possibly believe that they are communicating any kind of serious message.

 

Many people are happy 

And many people are sad

 

What... what kind of inane point are you trying to make? What is this song?

 

Say what you will about those big, stupid charity singles, at least they have an objective! And I'm not even talking about the charity aspect; the songs have clear messages, like "help out the dying people in Africa", or "look at me, I'm Bono". This... this is downright baffling. Why would they release a song like this? What purpose does this accomplish? You say it's for the children, but you don't say anything to the children!

 

Thankfully, this was nowhere near the biggest hit of the year, it's only #90 on the year-end chart. But its existence in the world will probably haunt me forever. I don't understand why anyone would listen to this, or record this, or write this, or do anything with this awful, awful song. New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, and this is easily their worst, and easily the worst song of a year full of bad songs. Seeya tomorrow when we look at the good stuff.

[Burgerpants]

Did you just diss Opposites Attract

how dare u

[Joe Biden]

Looking back on #7, it was a pretty crappy song. All I like about it is the bass line from "Under Pressure", but that was pretty much a sample, sooooooooooooo...

 

(Un)Fun fact: When I was a child, I thought that the original bass line came from "Ice Ice Baby" and that "Under Pressure" stole it. 

[Sweat]

(Un)Fun fact: When I was a child, I thought that the original bass line came from "Ice Ice Baby" and that "Under Pressure" stole it. 

You suck

[Wumbo]

Did you just diss Opposites Attract

how dare u

He likes Paula Abdul songs and I not a one

But when we get together we have nothing but fun

 

You suck

Now now, it happens to the best of us. The important thing is that we acknowledge our terrible mistakes.

[Sweat]

He likes Paula Abdul songs and I not a one

But when we get together we have nothing but fun

 

Now now, it happens to the best of us. The important thing is that we acknowledge our terrible mistakes.

YOu have to admit that Straight Up is awesome, right?

[Wumbo]

"Awesome" is a bit of a stretch. It's probably Paula Abdul's best song, but it's just okay for me at best.