Clappy’s New Crap Cinema

[NegiSpongie]

I really liked the How the Grinch Stole Christmas movie and Horton Hears a Who. I thought The Lorax was just okay.

[Burgerpants]

If you're talking about the newer Lorax movie I thought it was awful I had to watch it in school.

Your school stinks.

[terminoob]

I was never a fan of Horton Hears a Who as a book or a film.

 

The Lorax was ok, but it just lacked anything distinctive or memorable.  They played it far too safe to the point of making it a movie worth remembering.

 

I have a weird love for the new Lorax movie. It's one of three movies where I wanted to rewatch it immediately after finishing it (the other two being The Fifth Element and Treasure Planet, for anyone curious), and I think I've since watched it three or four times. I'm always in the mood for it. I just loved all the designs and the songs and the characters and everything. It's bizarre.

 

Man, I wanna watch it again now.

[Clappy]

Per request of one Jjsthekid a few weeks ago, I review Transformers: Age of Extinction. Coming soon....for real....no seriously.

[I'M A TRASH CAN]

Ah yeah! Michael Bay strikes again.

[Clappy]

Time for this thing to return.

 

 

You know what, I don't think I've made it clear how much I hate the Transformers sequels.  Michael Bay has been a target of mine for many years now, but I will give him credit for making only one movie of his that I actually genuinely like.  Transformers was one hell of a good popcorn flick.  Of course it had tons of Michael Bay-isms that make me hate him so, but I genuinely enjoyed the mindless stupidity of the first Transformers film.  Ever since then though, Michael Bay has failed to catch lightning in a bottle twice.  Revenge of the Fallen was by far one of the most disappointing sequels I've ever seen.  The whole time, it felt like a giant robot was pissing on me.

 

 

It was over the top in terms of stupidity, action sequences, acting, and my god, the writing.  The writing for this one is just atrocious.  I don't think I need to go to far into why the sequel sucked since I think it's a general consensus that Revenge of the Fallen is one of the more notorious sequels ever.  Which is why once I read that Michael Bay regretted the sequel and promised that Dark of the Moon would be a lot better, it gave me hope that he would recapture the magic of the first one.  I will say this.  Dark of the Moon is better than Revenge of the Fallen, which is why at first glance, I actually thought it was ok.  But then, I got it on DVD and rewatched it.  My god.  Dark of the Moon sucked.  It really sucked.  Not worse than Revenge of the Fallen, but it was flat out terrible.  I would have rather seen Megan Fox over that Victoria Secret model that replaced her.  Her acting was hideously bad.  Oh and the Patrick Dempsey was working with the Decepticons plot twist?  Fuck me, that was bad.  At that point, I told myself, I'm done.  I'm done with this fucking franchise.  But then....wouldn't you know it....he brought me back in again with the reveal of the one thing I've been waiting to see from this franchise.

 

Spoiler

 

DEAR GOD ALMIGHTY YES.  DINOBOTS.  FUCKING DINOBOTS.  I LOVE MY DINOBOTS.  IT'S OPTIMUS WITH GRIMLOCK.  I'M SO SEEING THIS.  MICHAEL BAY CAN'T LET ME DOWN THIS TIME.

 

*one viewing later*

 

FUCK YOU.  FUCK YOU SO HARD MICHAEL BAY.  I DESERVED THIS.  I TRULY DESERVED WHAT CAME TO ME.  THIS IS WHY I CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.  BECAUSE MICHAEL BAY MANAGES TO FUCK THEM UP.  YOU FUCKED UP THE DINOBOTS.  YOU ACTUALLY DID IT.  I COUDLN'T BELIEVE IT UNTIL I SAW IT.

 

Sixty-five million years ago, during the Cretaceous Period, beings known as the Creators detonate many "Seeds" (hardy har har), wiping out most life on Earth. In the present, a geologist named Darcy discovers a dinosaur corpse covered in a strange metal.  Well gee.  I wonder what these corpses could be.  Could they be what the fucking movie is called?  Subtle Michael Bay.  Subtle.

 

Four years have passed since the Battle of Chicago...erm no.  Stop it right there.  I know movie timelines jump around like crazy and are never meant to be taken seriously, but they made it perfectly clear in the last one that Dark of the Moon took place in 2011.  I mean did no one not notice Michael Bay's hints at 2011 based topics?  That's another thing I hate about these movies.  Michael Bay has to throw in current events to let the audience know that "HEY, THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW IRL."  The first time I noticed this instance was in Revenge of the Fallen when Sam Witwicky made an off-key note about the swine flu.  Yeah, that literally just became worldwide news the month before so it just goes to show that Michael Bay does rewrites on the fly.  And the swine flu line was not funny.  At all.  And neither are any of these other instances of throwing in current events for no reason.  So bottom line, you expect me to believe that this movie is happening four years after 2011?  Bull fucking shit.

 

Markie Mark Wahlberg's Cade Yeager....(REALLY MICHAEL BAY?  CADE YEAGER?  YOU COULDN'T THINK OF ANY LESS OF A BAD NAME?  DID M NIGHT SHYAMALAN BEAT YOU TO THE PUNCH ON CYPHER RAIGE?), is a struggling inventor from Texas (Mark Wahlberg....an actor who is proud of his Bostonian roots and a noticeable Boston accent...playing a Texan....let the lulzfest commence), and his friend Lucas (T.J. Miller...what are you doing here?) buy an old truck to strip it for parts in hopes of sending Cade's daughter Tessa to college.  Oh and Tessa is played by Katara herself Nicola Peltz.  Not a good sign that this awful actress has been in two Crap Cinema installments lately, but hey somebody needed to replace Shia LaBeouf in terms of over the top acting.

 

 

Cade soon discovers that the truck is an injured Optimus Prime and repairs him. Meanwhile, Cemetery Wind (OH COME ON), an elite CIA unit headed by paranoid agent Harold Attinger (UUUGGGHHH....eh this one isn't as bad), has been tasked with hunting down the remaining Decepticons. However, he also secretly hunts down the Autobots, believing them to be a threat and intent on ridding earth of them as well. With the aid of the Transformer bounty hunter Lockdown, they ambush and brutally kill Ratchet when they found him hiding on a stern of an abandoned ship.  RIP Ratchet.  You lived such an uneventful life in the Transformers universe.  You know this is another thing that pisses me off about the live action movies and it even bugged me in the first film.  They never actually develop any of the other Autobots.  The only ones we know by heart are the ones that Shia won't shut the fuck up screaming about

 

"OPTIMUS"

 

"BUMBLEBEE"

 

"OPTI-BUMBL-MUS-BEE"

 

Or ones that are infamous for being a pain in the ass...yes of course I'm talking about the Twins:

 

 

 

After locating Optimus in Texas, the unit and Lockdown travel there and threaten Cade, Tessa, and Lucas. Optimus comes out of hiding and attacks the operatives, allowing Cade and his friends to escape.  Oh how subtle Optimus.  At least in the previous movies you actually thought before acting.  This is just useless action sequence 23 out of 2394085 other ones.  Which leads me to my next rant about this sequel.  The action sequences in this one are so boring and formulaic.  If Michael Bay knows how do one thing better than most directors, it's make eye catching action sequences.  Sure they don't save the movie from being shit, but at least they are compelling.  I can't think of one single action sequence in this one that sticks out from my mind.  They just go through the motions.  Even the gigantic climax action sequence that Michael Bay usually executes well in the past movies. 

 

Anyway, our ragtag group is saved by Shane Dyson, Tessa's secret boyfriend.  Way to build up character introductions Michael Bay.  And here I thought Shyamalan knew how to introduce characters perfectly.  After a lengthy chase they escape. However, Lucas is killed by Lockdown's grenade.  RIP Lucas...now TJ Miller can go film bigger and better things like Disney's new Big Hero 6.  Oh wait.  There I go thinking of better looking movies.

 

Optimus rallies the last remaining Autobots: Bumblebee, Hound, Drift, and Crosshairs....looks at IMDB...John Goodman?  Ken Watanbe?  John DiMaggio?  Why are all these talented actors voicing Transformers?  What a waste.  Cade hacks into a drone he took from the attack in Texas, and learns that Cemetery Wind is working with a corporation called KSI. They decide to infiltrate KSI headquarters in Chicago for information.

 

Meanwhile, Joshua Joyce, the head of KSI, shows Darcy that he has perfected Transformium...HAHAHAHHAHAH GET IT.  TRANSFORMIUM....TRANSFORMERS....KILL ME... the codeable, molecularly unstable metal that the Transformers are made of. He has imprisoned Brains to decode dead Transformers' brains (OH HOW IRONIC) and utilize their data for the human-created Transformers. He shows Darcy his prized creation, Galvatron, who was created using data from Megatron's brain.....I'M SORRY BUT THIS IS CALLED TRANSFORMERS.  AGE OF FUCKING EXTINCTION.  WHERE ARE MY FUCKING DINOBOTS DAMMIT?

 

Optimus and the Autobots storm the facility, break Brains out, and start to destroy it.  WHAT POINT WILL THIS PROVE?  THIS IS WAR?  WHAT HAPPENED TO FIGHTING THE COMMON EVIL?  OPTIMUS USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN.  Joyce stops them and explains that humans don't need the Autobots anymore, as they can create their own Transformer soldiers, and the Autobots leave.  So crap cinema viewers, destroying the facility leads to what?  If you guessed absolutely nothing, you win today's crap quiz.  Tune in next time when I gauge my eyes out with a wooden spoon. 

 

Attinger forces Joyce to launch Galvatron and Stinger to pursue the Autobots. Galvatron and Optimus battle before Lockdown wounds and captures Optimus, along with Tessa into his ship, where he locks Optimus in the middle of his trophy room, which also carries the Dinobots that Lockdown imprisoned.  FINAL FUCKING LY.  MY DINOBOTS HAVE BEEN SHOWN. 

 

He explains that the Creators want Optimus back. Before leaving, Lockdown gives Attinger a Seed, a bomb that can cyberform any area of land, giving Cade, Shane, and the Autobots time to board the ship. Cade and Shane save Tessa, and escape with Bumblebee. The other Autobots save Optimus and escape before Lockdown's ship enters deep space. Optimus and Brains reveal that Galvatron is Megatron reincarnated.....I know this was a thing in the cartoons and the comics, but I was really sincerely hoping for one movie without fucking Megatron.  I got sick of him real fast and when Michael Bay said there would be no Megatron, I thought he meant it.  This shouldn't count, but it does in my mind.  I mean how many fucking times are they going to kill Megatron?  Like fifteen more?  No wait.  That would mean like 11 more sequels.  I don't think the general public could handle that much shit back to back to back.

 

Anyway, GalvaMegatron has been manipulating KSI to make an army and steal the Seed in order to wipe out humans and create more Decepticons. Cade warns Joyce, which at the same time GalvaMegatron activates by himself and possesses all the Transformer prototypes to do his bidding. Joyce betrays Attinger and retreats to Beijing with Darcy and his business associate Su Yueming to get a military extraction.

 

As the Autobots try to retrieve the Seed in Hong Kong, their ship is shot down by GalvaMegatron's army, leaving Hound and Bumblebee to fight the battle outnumbered. Knowing this, Optimus releases and tames the Dinobots.  YES.  FUCKING YES.  TIME FOR GRIMLOCK AND CREW TO FUCK SHIT UP.  YES YES YES.  With their help, they destroy GalvaMegatron's army. Lockdown returns and uses a magnetic weapon in an effort to reclaim Optimus and the Dinobots. However, Optimus destroys it and proceeds to fight Lockdown.

 

Cade, after managing to evade and kill Savoy, tries to help but is held at gunpoint by Attinger, who is disgusted by Cade's choice to side with the Autobots. Optimus saves Cade by killing Attinger, but Lockdown gains the upper hand and impales Optimus with his own sword. Cade and Bumblebee distract Lockdown while Tessa and Shane take the sword out of Optimus, who then kills Lockdown. GalvaMegatron retreats, vowing to battle Optimus another day. Optimus sets the Dinobots free...NO NO NO NO NO NONONONNONONONO.  OK TIME OUT.  I CAN'T.  YOU KNOW, I HAVE DONE MY BEST TO AVOID WRITING ABOUT THESE ACTION SEQUENCES, BUT NO.  YOU HAD FUCKING DINOBOTS.  AND YOU ONLY INCLUDED THEM IN THE FUCKING CLIMAX.  THIS WAS NEARLY A THREE HOUR MOVIE AND YOU DRAGGED OUT ALL THESE ACTION SEQUENCES.  THE DINOBOTS WERE BARELY IN THE FUCKING MOVIE.  AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT WAS EVEN WORSE?  THEY DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE AN IMPRESSION.  MY GOD.  YOU FUCKING DID IT MICHAEL BAY.  YOU MADE DINOSAURS...ONE OF THE MOST BADASS MOVIE CREATURES....DULL AS SHIT.  LIKE I CAN'T EVEN WRITE A TRUE RECAP FOR THE CLIMAX BECAUSE I JUST DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING THE DINOBOTS ACTUALLY DID EXCEPT BE THE PETS OF THE AUTOBOTS.  WHAT A LETDOWN.

 

Optimus requests the Autobots to protect Cade and his family before flying into space with the Seed, sending a message to the Creators that he is coming for them.  You know what that means?  MORE SEQUELS.  THANK YOU MICHAEL BAY.  AFTER SAYING YOU WERE DONE WITH THE FRANCHISE MULTIPLE TIMES YOU KEEP TEASING THAT MORE ARE COMING.

 

 

 

I think four might be generous tbh.  This is why I rarely do movies in theaters for Crap Cinema installments.  It's tough to review these movies without being in front of my television screen rewatching the travesty I just witnessed.  But without a doubt this and Revenge of the Fallen are tied in my books for the worst of the Transformers sequels.  For everything wrong with Revenge of the Fallen, at least it was memorable.  The main problem with Age of Extinction is that it is dull as shit.  Nothing memorable about it all and the worst part is that it's close to three hours long.  Dear god they could have cut out so much from this movie to lower the run time.  This does not deserve to be that long and that boring.   ESPECIALLY FOR A FUCKING ACTION MOVIE.  Oh and when you have something as awesome as Dinobots, give them the screen time they deserve.  Do something with them.  Don't make them be the fucking pets of the Autobots.  Have them be just as kickass.  Oh and while four minutes may be an overexaggeration for the amount of screen time they actually got, that''s what it felt like in comparison because the movie dragged so much that four minutes felt like forever.  It was probably 20-25 but that's about 4 minutes in boring as shit run time.  

 

If I can give this movie one positive, it's Mark Wahlberg.  Mark Wahlberg has two types of acting.  Serious and seriously over the top that its' amusing.  This was definitely a mixture of both and that's why I love Mark Wahlberg.  

 

This probably wasn't my best film review and felt more like a rant as to why the Transformers sequels piss me off so much, but dammit, that's what Michael Bay does to people.  He just pisses them off.  I am not falling for Michael Bay and his so bad there is a chance it could bring entertainment to film buffs like me ever again.

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi-_-SFcqWE

 

 

Dear god.  This is probably going to suck so much.....

 

*pre-orders tickets from Fandango*

[SpongeOddFan]

dang, that was lomg?

 

anyways, i hope you can spot SB Movie 2 trailer in August, Claps

[ThatoneSpongebobfan]

Oh boy 

[Old Man Jenkins]

I still think it was better than Dark of the Moon, at least. I need to re-watch Revenge of the Fallen in full again. The human characters were actually not as grating this time around. Wahlberg was being Wahlberg, of course they kill off the most likeable one early on tho, the whole thing between Cade's daughter and her Irish boyfriend could've been worst tbh, Joyce had a few moments and I love Kelsey Grammer and Titus Welliver so that made them a big step up from Patrick Dempsey on villain side. It felt like a refreshing change of pace from Shia & Pals. I even think they made more of an effort to actually put some of the spotlight on the autobots that aren't BUMBLEBEEEE and OPTIMUSSSSS this time around. Of course, there are the things that make a Michael Bay film a Michael Bay film, but I came into this expecting a Michael Bay film from the explosive action, to the stereotypes, to the lackluster story, to how he tries to make these things as fucking long as he can possibly make them be (like I finally rewatched DotM a few days ago on FX and it was like four hours long, which is more than likely what this'll be once it hits the airwaves. That's almost like watching Titanic on TV).

I can't imagine something Transformers without Megatron being thrown in somehow, but I felt he didn't have that big of a role compared to co-big bad, Lockdown. He seemed mostly in the shadows this time around. He had just like that one fight with Optimus on the highway in the middle of the movie and that was pretty much to show Optimus that "I'm back mothafuckaaaa!" and goes off to keep up with the charade that he's still under the government's control (that whole "you have no soul" bit was pretty badass too, if you ask me) while articulating his grandmaster plan from behind the comfort of our government. He was also pretty much a non-factor during the final battle, just watching from the sidelines off-screen as the Dinobots fuck up all his new toys and Lockdown dry humps Hong Kong I guess, and only showing up the very end to pretty much say "I'm still here muthafuckaaaaa!" literally from behind their backs.

I do agree that the Dinobots weren't utilized as well as they could have, but at least they left the door open for more from them in more inevitable sequels. I mean what, they're just gonna release them out into the world, go off to Jurassic Park or some shit and not have them come back? Also, it's ridiculously funny to see how much product placement and stuff you can point out in this one. There was even a pony at one point.

I'm more than likely in the minority, but what can I say, I'm easily entertained

[Clappy]

I still think it was better than Dark of the Moon, at least. I need to re-watch Revenge of the Fallen in full again. The human characters were actually not as grating this time around. Wahlberg was being Wahlberg, of course they kill off the most likeable one early on tho, the whole thing between Cade's daughter and her Irish boyfriend could've been worst tbh, Joyce had a few moments and I love Kelsey Grammer and Titus Welliver so that made them a big step up from Patrick Dempsey on villain side. It felt like a refreshing change of pace from Shia & Pals. I even think they made more of an effort to actually put some of the spotlight on the autobots that aren't BUMBLEBEEEE and OPTIMUSSSSS this time around. Of course, there are the things that make a Michael Bay film a Michael Bay film, but I came into this expecting a Michael Bay film from the explosive action, to the stereotypes, to the lackluster story, to how he tries to make these things as fucking long as he can possibly make them be (like I finally rewatched DotM a few days ago on FX and it was like four hours long, which is more than likely what this'll be once it hits the airwaves. That's almost like watching Titanic on TV).

I can't imagine something Transformers without Megatron being thrown in somehow, but I felt he didn't have that big of a role compared to co-big bad, Lockdown. He seemed mostly in the shadows this time around. He had just like that one fight with Optimus on the highway in the middle of the movie and that was pretty much to show Optimus that "I'm back mothafuckaaaa!" and goes off to keep up with the charade that he's still under the government's control (that whole "you have no soul" bit was pretty badass too, if you ask me) while articulating his grandmaster plan from behind the comfort of our government. He was also pretty much a non-factor during the final battle, just watching from the sidelines off-screen as the Dinobots fuck up all his new toys and Lockdown dry humps Hong Kong I guess, and only showing up the very end to pretty much say "I'm still here muthafuckaaaaa!" literally from behind their backs.

I do agree that the Dinobots weren't utilized as well as they could have, but at least they left the door open for more from them in more inevitable sequels. I mean what, they're just gonna release them out into the world, go off to Jurassic Park or some shit and not have them come back? Also, it's ridiculously funny to see how much product placement and stuff you can point out in this one. There was even a pony at one point.

I'm more than likely in the minority, but what can I say, I'm easily entertained

Appreciate the feedback mang.  Love a good debate.

 

Didn't really get to put feedback on Kelsey Grammer's performance, but I think he did fine as the human antagonist.  Definitely a lot better than Dempsey did and he was a more believable antagonist because of how he acted.

 

I should have realized that having a Transformers movie without Megatron in some format was impossible for the fanbase's part since Megatron is the epitome of the big bad guy.  However, they've killed him off so many times, that I would definitely be far more open to just a new bad guy in general which was why Lockdown was definitely a breathe of fresh air.

 

I dunno if I would say that the other Autobots were as well built compared to the big two, but they definitely did a better job introducing them this time around with aforementioned side quest to get the band of Autobots back together.

 

Oh and thank you for pointing out the product placement.  Something I didn't touch up upon.  By far the biggest whoring out Paramount has ever done for a Transformers movie.  Almost as unsubtle as Man of Steel's product placement last year within the movie.

[Burgerpants]

I know it'll be only 3 years until Bay comes out with

[Clappy]

With perpetual lateness, I present my latest film review...ignore the October comment.  This was meant to be posted last weekend.

 

So since it’s October, I guess that means I should be reviewing a horror movie….right?  Over the course of the past year, I feel like I’ve been reviewing movies less and less in favor of more music reviews.  Well that’s because I feel like music reviews are much easier to write since it is easier to summarize my thoughts on a three-four minute song than a hour and a half movie.  BUT that doesn’t not mean I prefer music over movies because I still adore movies and I am constantly fascinated by them. Which I can’t say the same about music because lord knows that I can get rather bored with listening to the same hit songs multiple times.

 

Plus I’m still the only fool who keeps his movie reviews thread alive.

 

Anyway, it’s October and I should be reviewing something scary.  Well guys, I have something scary for ya.

 

 

Yep, it’s about time I tackle The Twilight Saga.  I mean it’s only one of the most successful film franchises of all time.  I have never seen such a successful franchise get so much venom spewing hatred as this one.  But I want to tackle this film review differently compared to previous ones.  Instead of writing full length reviews of every single film, I want to make this more of an opinionated piece….while still inserting my thoughts on every single Twilight film.  So I want to ask you all this question.

 

 

IS THE TWILIGHT SAGA REALLY THE WORST THING EVER?

 

Now I know what some of you guys are thinking.  Doug Walker asked something similar to this in one of his editorials.  Well, he has a point.  Something that he touched upon that really proves how minimal our hatred of this film series truly is in retrospect.  How long of a lasting impact these films will have on society growing up.  I mean it’s only been two years since these films have ended and I’ve been noticing things in those two years.  No one really gives a damn about Twilight anymore.  Like I don’t see the fandom brought up nearly as much.  It’s like once Part 2 of the finale was released; the series quickly disappeared from people’s subconscious.  Heck, when I mentioned last night on the XAT that this was what I will be reviewing for my next Crap Cinema installment, that was the first time I’ve seen anybody really talk about how bad Twilight was in those two years.  So with that I say to you people.  Do you really hate Twilight as much as you say you do or is it quickly fading from your minds as a stupid series you grew up with that really won’t last with you forever and ever?  Sit back as I give my quick thoughts on every single one of these movies before I ask my readers the same question again.

 

Twilight

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxjNDE2fMjI

 

So let’s begin with the movie that started it all and honestly….it’s the most mediocre of them all.  As you will soon see, half of the series will get much better while the other half gets much worse.  Director Catherine Hardwicke deserves a lot of credit for keeping Twilight away from the crash and burn other films in this series rightfully deserve. This movie is fairly shallow material that we have all come to expect years later.  Unfortunately Hardwicke didn’t have a bigger budget and was forced to do the best she can with what she has. The result is a film which feels more like the pilot for a television series than a movie going experience. There’s just not enough going on here. On television Twilight could have been the new Beauty & the Beast and critics might have hailed it as one of the best things ever. As a movie it’s merely not terrible. It’s just simply forgettable but not particularly painful.

 

Twilight would be the same movie with or without vampires. Edward is attracted to Bella because she smells delicious, but he could just as easily have been attracted to her because she’s attractive...because that’s the only thing Kristen Stewart has going for her since we all know how great of an actress she is.

 

 

Bella on the other hand, is attracted to Edward for the same reason all teenage girls seem to be attracted to bad boys. I don’t know what that reason is, but the female lust for jerks is something of a universal constant, and it’s on full display here. This is a story of a nice girl attracted to a brooding, edgy, asshole. The vampire stuff is there only to provide a little extra eye candy, because it’s obviously a gimmick.  Vampires don’t sparkle.

 

But yeah, I think in the chronology of this series, the original Twilight isn’t as bad as it could have been.  Besides the lousy acting, terrible screen writing, and lack of chemistry between our two leads, I can’t think of any other complaint than it’s boring; and all of the complaints I did list off we all grew accustom to as the series progresses.

 

 

New Moon

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bs79_5n848Q

 

Now the second film on the other hand is easily the worst.  Like dear god this movie is just terrible.  The characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan. Never have teenagers been in greater need of a jump-start and it all falls back on the character of Bella once again.  This movie takes everything that made the first film bad and multiplies the extremities of every single character by triple.  But do you seriously want to know what makes this movie so unbearable?  Bella.

 

Bella is a reactive character and her every action is based on what either Edward or Jacob does.  She behaves recklessly, not as a way to escape from her pain, but so she can keep seeing ghost-Edward.  Later, she tries to kill herself and then cover it up with the excuse she was cliff-diving.  But even that isn’t as disturbing as when Jacob confesses to Bella that now because he’s a werewolf, just a split second of anger could cause him to lose control and seriously hurt her.  Her response: “That will never happen because I will always tell you how special you are.”  This is a girl who will never argue or even question a man she loves because otherwise he may lose control and beat her to within an inch of her life.  It won’t be his fault; he just has a monster inside him he can’t control.  And why does Edward leave?  Because he’s afraid his presence will hurt Bella.  Of course, his big realization is that by leaving Bella, he put her in more harm.  Because Bella is too one dimensional as a character to even think for a second that she is her own person.

 

And that’s not even what I find most offensive!  I am appalled that there’s not even a hint of a moment where Bella has an interest of her own other than whether or not a man can protect her and what she can do to serve him.  I find it offensive that Bella is so selfish that she doesn’t care if she hurts her kind and devoted father or pulls away from people who were supposedly her friends.  Is this really the kind of role model you want for your child?  And women who see this as fantasy, is this really what you find exhilarating?  I guess the female psyche thinks about their attraction to hot guys but plenty of other movies and stories offer that without the repulsive moral values.  You know this wouldn’t be as bad in the other films if 90% of the entire film focuses on Bella’s male dependency, but that’s exactly what New Moon does and why it fucking blows.  Worst of the Twilight films easily.

 

 

Eclipse

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CScK6D3KROM

 

Now I have to admit something quite embarrassing.  I found myself enjoying Eclipse a lot more than I should have.  Since I know this is Crap Cinema and you guys want me to focus more on the bad than the good, so I’m probably going to keep this summary on my thoughts rather short.  What works for Eclipse is easily the direction of this.  David Slade is one of the better horror film directors working today and has made multiple vampire flicks in the past.  Highly recommend 30 Days and Nights for those of you who are interested in a very good vampire flick.  What makes this one stand out above the rest are all the action sequences.  Sure we get the same shit that we all constantly complain about from The Twilight Saga, but I’m willing to forgive that for some decent action sequences and we actually get some decently done ones.  Am I saying that I like this movie?  Eh, not really.  But I think it’s actually ok.  Probably the best thing I’ve reviewed for Crap Cinema which is really saying something about how much this one surprised me.

 

 

Breaking Dawn Parts 1 and 2

 

No trailers here.  Not even splitting both of these into the movies they rightfully are.  I’m absolutely sick of this cash grab attempt that studios are doing these days.  Not even going to show bias to the Harry Potter series which I adore both parts.  I hate the trend it started.  For everything that the last Harry Potter movies did right, both Breaking Dawns did wrong.

 

I will admit though, at long last, “The Twilight Saga” sinks utterly into camp with both Breaking Dawns.  When you’re not laughing at the unintentional jokes — and this is the first film in this absurdly self-serious series to take itself lightly — you’ll be rolling your eyes at the dull melodramatics, or rolling on the floor at the big doggie debate amongst the digital wolves.

 

If I can give both movies any credit whatsoever, it’s for the twist ending trying to differentiate itself amongst the books.  That’s clever and it actually works.  Granted I’ve never read any of the books and don’t plan to anytime soon, I like it when things work out when trying to differentiate itself from the source material.  Maybe that’s why I wish, as much as I love the Harry Potter series, the movies took more risks.  I heavily enjoyed the movies, but at times, the movies were way too faithful to the source material.

 

Otherwise, I have to give my condolences to the bed where Edward and Bella had sex in.

 

 

What a brave soul for sacrificing itself in the line of duty like that.

 

 

So yeah, that’s the Twilight series in a nutshell.  If I must use Baby Sandler rating systems, I will for each movie.

 

Twilight – 2 Baby Sandlers

 

New Moon – 4 Baby Sandlers

 

Eclipse – 0

Breaking Dawn Part 1 – 3 Baby Sandlers

 

Breaking Dawn Part 2 – 2 Baby Sandlers

 

 

So yeah, that probably averages itself out to about 2 Baby Sandlers as a whole.  Which means Twilight Saga is not the worst thing ever.  As a matter of fact, as I stated earlier, I think everyone hates Twilight more for being an awful fad in our time period.  But as we’ve grown to learn over the years, awful fads fade from our memory banks over time.  I mean it wasn’t so long ago that people were considering the object below the worst thing Nickelodeon has ever conceived:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RN9xYUwctLk

 

But now, I actually have seen people say once or twice on the XAT that they actually liked Mr. Meaty in retrospect.  I mean hell, let’s flash forward two or three years into the future and I think people were start defending Fan Boy and Chum Chum for not being entirely awful.  You see my friends, this is what I like to call “nostalgia”.  We become nostalgic for things of yesteryear no matter how bad they may be.  I mean I don’t see people really bitching about Twilight as much anymore.  In due time, I think people will look back at Twilight and just shake their heads thinking I can’t believe this shmuck made so much money.  So ladies and gentlemen, please save your disgust and anger for something that is far worse than Twilight is and ever will be:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfZWFDs0LxA

 

I’m the Nostalgia Clap and I remember it so you dont have to….dear god please do not go see this mommy porn.  

[President Squidward]

I'm just going to put this here.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNv1P_lrgzw

[Sweat]

I'm just going to put this here.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNv1P_lrgzw

That made me laugh more than it should have.

[Fat Lenny]

You just have to review Zombeavers. I saw it yesterday and it truly has to be seen to be believed.

[Clappy]

It's January.  You know what that means?

 

IT'S WAYANS BROTHERS MONTH!

 

Yep, I'm going to review at least one of the Wayans Brothers awful awful movies.  But I can't make up my mind on which one I want to review so that's why I want you, my loyal readers to pick my poison.  Each of these is on Netflix or for streaming, so please vote in the poll above as to which one of these atrocious movies you want me to suffer through.  Heads up, I've already seen all of them.

[Burgerpants]

You know that the sequel to A Haunted House is bad when they have to salvage TWITTER POSTS in the advertisements just to say something good about the film.

[Wumbo]

Little Man, holy shit Little Man.

[Guest]

Little Man, holy shit Little Man.

I second this. I was gonna say something else, but y'know I kept that to myself.

[Doctor Sex]

But I like Scary Movie