Clappy’s New Crap Cinema

[Spongepat]

This last movie seems like it was really hammy and so stupid. Was it a kids movie or was it PG-13?

Anyway, great review. I enjoy reading your past, current, and future ones.

Can you (or have you) reviewed Lockout? It was a weird movie that sci-fi wise, there was little research done and it shows.

[Metal Snake]

And thanks to JCM...I am now definitely going to look up the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Oh wow, when I first heard about the Star Wars Holiday Special, I really didn't understand all the hate because it just sounded to me like your average dated, silly, but fun to watch anyways Christmas special. When I actually took a look at it, I soon realized I was horribly wrong...

[Old Man Jenkins]

Good luck getting through the Wookie scenes.

[NegiSpongie]

Oh wow, when I first heard about the Star Wars Holiday Special, I really didn't understand all the hate because it just sounded to me like your average dated, silly, but fun to watch anyways Christmas special. When I actually took a look at it, I soon realized I was horribly wrong...

That movie makes me wanna bang my head against the desk it's so bad.

[Steel Sponge]

Speaking of the holiday special, hope your clever little head doesn't get much dimmer while watching the instructional video.

[Clappy]

Speaking of the holiday special, hope your clever little head doesn't get much dimmer while watching the instructional video.

Why would you need an instructional video on how to watch a holiday special?

[Steel Sponge]

Why would you need an instructional video on how to watch a holiday special?

The instructional video is in the holiday episode. Televisionception.

[Clappy]

The instructional video is in the holiday episode. Televisionception.

............you've got to be kidding me.....uggghhh,

[Elastic Dawg]

Good luck getting through the Wookie scenes.

Doesn't Chewbacca have a family or some such shit? I remember in elementary they had a book with his family, and the kid went off to get wookie berries and then got saved by Han and Chewie or something. lawlz.

[Clappy]

I hope to have my Super Mario Bros movie review up either tomorrow (or today depending on your time zone) or Wednesday.

[Macseed]

Ooooh! I see a bunch of Baby Sandlers.

[Clappy]

Why do video game movie adaptations usually never work? I mean it’s so simple. The material is right in front of you. You can easily beat the game and reword the dialogue and have yourself a grand movie. However, it never seems to work. Prince of Persia? You have a Jewish man portraying a Persian. Resident Evil? Need I explain more. Any Uwe Boll movie adaptation? Enough said. But yeah, you all know how bad the movie I am reviewing today fails, so let's just get it over with.

So the movie starts off with the classic Mario music, but it all goes downhill from there. Especially with the shitty opening animation sequence. Look at this:

You know a movie is going to suck when the video game animation is better than the actual movie animation.

Mario (Bob Hoskins) and Luigi (John Leguizamo) are two Italian American plumbers living in Brooklyn, New York. Mario is the elder of the two, being close to his late 30's, and Luigi is in his mid 20's. Ugh how can you screw up the material this fast movie? You have a Brit and a Latino play two Italians brothers and neither particularly succeed either. I mean I respect Bob Hoskins acting abilities, but it’s like he is trying for a Boston-New York accent mix instead of Italian.

Then we have the other strike which is Mario being the elder “brother”. Last time I checked, Luigi is the older brother in the video games. It’s hilarious how much emphasis Nintendo put on this after this movie came out because they try to make sure everyone knows it in every Mario platformer from that point forward.

The brothers are being driven out of business by the mafia-like Scapelli Construction Company, led by contractor Anthony Scapelli. Luigi falls in love with an orphaned NYU archaeology student, Daisy, who is digging under the Brooklyn Bridge for dinosaur bones. Must be digging for some extra credit, amirite?

Naturally, Luigi babbles his way into a double date with her, Mario, and what looks like Mario’s hooker. I guess it could be Peach, but she isn’t the fairest in all the land. It is at this date where we listen to a shocking revelation. Luigi claims that Mario is a father to him. WHAT THE FUCK MOVIE? HOW CAN YOU SCREW UP THE SIMPLEST OF TITLES. Super Mario BROTHERS. So based off all this logic, Mario is Luigi’s brother, father, and hell he even calls him his mother at one point too. You’re fucking messed up movie, fucking messed up.

After the date, Daisy takes Luigi to the dig and witnesses Scapelli's men (who, along with Scapelli himself, had previously threatened her to end her research on that specific piece of land for their own interests) sabotage it by leaving the water-pipes open. Oh Scapelli, you troll you. Luigi tries to stop it but he does not have his tools on him so he cannot fix it. Yeah, I wouldn’t bring plumbing tools on date eitherunless you plan to unclog her pipes, if you know what I’m….eh screw it, this movie is already disturbing enough as it is. Ain’t that the truth Mario: brother, father, mother?

They rush back to his apartment where they inform Mario about the incident. The three go back to the flooding and the brothers manage to fix it but are knocked out by two strange characters, Iggy and Spike, who proceed to kidnap Daisy. By strange, I mean strange. Every time those two are on the screen together, it brings out some of the most awkward dialogue imaginable. Once again showing how weak this script truly is. Yep, the horrible script is more significant than whatever is going on with Daisy.

Mario and Luigi awaken a minute later and head deeper into the caves following Daisy's screams and discover an inter-dimensional portal through which Mario and Luigi follow Daisy. I’ll admit, the ways they travel between portals are pretty cool, but that’s just about it. They find themselves in a strange dystopian parallel world where a human-like race evolved from dinosaurs rather than the mammalian ancestry of true humans. Sixty-five million years ago, a meteorite crashed into the Earth and in doing so ripped the universe into two parallel dimensions. All the surviving dinosaurs of the time crossed over into this new realm. I guess creationism doesn’t exist after all. Fuck logic.

Mario and Luigi soon get captured for sticking out like sore thumbs and at this point, I would like to procrastinate from this review and give a special shout out to one of my inspirations for my review style, Doug Walker. When I do my reviews, I try to insert as much sarcasm and witty one liners just like Doug Walker does when he portrays the Nostalgia Critic. It makes horrible films much more tolerable when reviewing in this fashion. So as a dedication to the end of one of my favorite web series, I would like to pay tribute by inserting one of his funnier clips. Let’s just say in this clip, we find out Mario’s last name.

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Iggy and Spike turn out to be goombas/cousins of the other world's germophobic and obsessive dictator, King Koopa, descended from the T-Rex. Oh movie, now you are trying to tell us that Bowser is a human being and make these Goombas look nothing like the original game. You are seriously trying to get under my skin, but I won’t allow it. However, the two dumbasses have failed to also bring Daisy's rock, a meteorite fragment which Koopa is trying to get in order to merge his world with the real world that separated from Koopa's world during the meteor strike.

It turns out that Daisy is the Princess of the unnamed dimension but when Koopa overthrew Daisy's father (and turned him into fungus or some stupid shit like that), Daisy's mother took her to New York using the inter-dimensional portal. The portal was then destroyed, killing Daisy's mother in the process, but when Scapelli was blasting at the cave, the portal was reopened. Makes as much sense as humans evolving from dinosaurs.

When Koopa hears about the re-opening of the portal, he sends Spike and Iggy to find Daisy and the rock to merge the dimensions and make Koopa dictator of both worlds. Did I fail to mention that the man who portrays Koopa, Dennis Hopper, was an Academy Award nominated actor? No wonder his career pretty much imploded after this movie.

Spike and Iggy, however, who had grown more intelligent after being subjected to one of Koopa's experiments, decide to turn on Koopa and join forces with Mario and Luigi. Koopa thinks only Daisy can merge the worlds, but Mario and Luigi were just in the right place at the wrong time (just like everyone else involved with this). Daisy is eventually rescued by the plumbers.

Eventually, the two worlds merge and Koopa inadvertently devolves Scapelli into a primate while aiming for Mario…and that is the end of the super interesting Scapelli storyline. Bye Scapelli. No one gave a shit about you and whatever your endeavors were J., but Luigi and Daisy take back the rock and the worlds separate again. Mario confronts Koopa and eventually wins when he and Luigi devolve him, transforming him into a ferocious, semi-humanoid Tyrannosaurus. Koopa then leaps out for a final attack but Mario and Luigi destroy him by devolving him into primeval slime.

Daisy's father turns back from a fungus to normal and reclaims control over the kingdom stating he loves those plumbers. The citizens destroy anything involving Koopa and I wish I was with them. As the brothers return home, Luigi and Daisy admit their love for one another but Daisy cannot return to New York until the damage caused by Koopa is reversed and she spends more time with her father that she didn’t even know she had until just thirty minutes ago.

Mario rephrases Daisy's words, even though Luigi could easily comprehend it anyway, but he does not care. A deeply hurt and saddened Luigi kisses her goodbye and the two brothers return to New York, while Daisy watches them leave. About three weeks later, Daisy returns for Mario and Luigi's help in fighting more villains. Oh no, please, I beg of you. Have mercy on me dammit.

In a post-credits scene (yes I was bored enough to find out), two Nintendo executives talk about a video game based on their adventures but they are asking Iggy and Spike instead of the Super Mario Bros. and they decide on a title called "The Super Koopa Cousins". Har har har…fuck you.

Yep another five Baby Sandler classic. Probably the best example I’ve reviewed so far about what happens when you don’t stay true to the source material. This script is seriously horse shit. It’s like they wanted to make this absolutely nothing like Mario and instead go for an Indiana Jones-esque action adventure. Sadly, that requires you to have this in capable of good hands. Which when you have four writers, the movie shouldn’t suck this bad, but alas it does.

Oh and did I emphasize enough about wasting good actors? Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, and Dennis Hopper all deserved better than this. I can’t believe they actually even tried to put on a good performance in this. All three were incredibly laughable and just unbelievable in trying to portray Italian plumbers and a human dinosaur. I mean granted the latter would be laughable to portray anyway, but I digress.

Sorry it took so long for this review to come up, but I was incredibly unmotivated to to do this one. After watching it, I just couldn’t bare to review this. But I’ll be back to my normal routine soon enough. After all, October is almost here which means bad horror movies galore. I’ll try to squeeze out a couple more movies this month (hopefully my crossover with OMJ relatively soon too).

Anyway, if anyone feels like actually watching this, here it is below. Hopefully this makes up for the lack of pictures and video clips.

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[NegiSpongie]

Wait! I thought Mario WAS the older brother, and Luigi (despite being the tallest) is actually the younger brother.

[Elastic Dawg]

^They are. Blame the screenwriters.

As for the movie itself, apparently it was gonna be some cyberpunk epic (lawlz) that never panned out. I'll watch it at some point, can't imagine it being that bad.

[Clappy]

I feared this day would come. The day when people would start asking me to review adaptations of classic shows. Well these are pretty easy to sum up because they just never seem to work. The studios hire crappy directors, try to adapt the series into real life scenarios, and have them go through dilemmas where they have to find themselves and realize that they are meant to be who they are. Sometimes, tv adaptations work (The Brady Bunch Movie), but most of the time, we get tonight’s installment…sigh…

I don’t get it. The first movie was not too bad. It certainly wasn’t good, but I give it credit for referencing the nostalgia of Alvin and the Chipmunks. It was as middle of the road as a movie can get, but movie goers ate it up and hence we got a sequel…I mean squeakuel. What else is their to reference about Alvin and the Chipmunks that the first did not do? The Chipettes. How will the result end up? Not too well.

During a benefit concert in Paris, France, we get the Chipmunks singing their classic hit, You Really Got Me…oh wait, you mean The Kinks are the actual group behind this hit? Then why would the Chipmunks be re-recording copyrighted material? Oh wait, that’s right. Because they used up all the Chipmunks original hits in the first movie. So now we have the Chipmunks squeaking up recognizable radio hits. And it only starts here.

Anyway, Alvin is trying to entertain his fan base by doing crazy stunts, but father of the year David Seville gets injured in a freak guitar prop accident. So because of Alvin, Dave must recuperate in the hospital. You know, if it wasn’t for the third movie, I would say that this was Jason Lee’s way of trying to use an escape clause so this movie didn’t rape his career even harder. Too late now though. Arrangements are also made for them to go to school.

So now Dave has left the chipmunks in the care of his aunt. After another accident of the boys being somehow irresponsible, the Chipmunks are left in the care of Toby, the grandson of Dave's aunt portrayed by Zachary Levi. Thank goodness Zachary Levi did Tangled to try and restore some credibility. But yeah this situation presents a problem because twenty-something Toby is wildly incompetent thanks to his wildly incompetent personality. Thus, as in so many of these sordid, miscreant behavior cases, it’s left to the schools to handle these chipmunks, which, by God, is a wild stroke of luck since their new school must win a singing competition to keep the music department afloat. Massively convenient, eh?

Meanwhile, Ian Hawke lives in the basement of JETT Records. Ok I’m sorry, but I got to bitch about this. So losing the Chipmunks made him lose all his money? The guy was already an uber successful talent agent in the first movie had millions upon millions. This big a drastic downfall two years is downright impossible. Even for a kids movie, I don’t think anyone would buy that logic.

Anyway, while Ian is off being somehow miraculously poor, three singing female chipmunks, Brittany, Jeanette, and Eleanor, also known as the Chipettes, emerge and sing…you guessed it, even more chipmunked versions of yesteryear’s Top 40 songs and Ian hires them as plot to get back at the Chipmunks and revive his career. DUDE! YOU BRAGGED IN THE FIRST MOVIE ABOUT HAVING THE BLACK EYED PEAS AND JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE! YOU AREN’T THAT BAD OFF.

While at school, the Chipmunks are also bullied by jocks and visit the principal's office. How convenient is it that the principal doesn’t punish the Chipmunks since she is a die hard fan? Meanwhile, Ian is shocked to find the Chipmunks on the front page of his newspaper. After he reads a story about him, he quickly sends the Chipettes to school to infiltrate the enemy forces.

When the Chipmunks meet the Chipettes, not only do they sing another relevant song at the time (Single Ladies), but they fall for their counterparts. However, all parties are soon forced to have a rivalry after discovering that they are with Ian. Meanwhile Dave finds out Toby is watching the boys, and he quickly leaves the hospital. Why? Because we are suppose to feel that Toby is doing an incompetent job when all he does is stand around and have no character purpose.

At the concert, the Chipettes sing and Alvin fails to show for the Chipmunks - who then forfeit. Why you may ask? It’s because Alvin is too busy becoming a football star and impressing Bridgit Mendler. Pointless Disney cameo aside, the whole Alvin football star bit is unamusing. When Alvin finally shows, he finds the auditorium empty and is ignored by his brothers at home. Soon, the Chipettes are hired. The concert is on the same night as the school contest, so Ian decides to blow off the battle and make the Chipettes perform at the new concert, opening for Britney Spears. Which I wouldn’t call an honor back then, since she was a public relations nightmare failing at making a comeback.

Alvin finds out that Ian has locked the Chipettes in a cage, which is actually quite clever to reference the first film in this fashion. So Alvin races off to rescue them while Simon tells Jeanette how to open the cage over the phone. The Chipettes manage to escape with Alvin, and they arrive just in time to perform at the contest. The Chipmunks and the Chipettes perform together “We are Family”….of course they do…and they win. Dave returns during the contest as him and Toby somehow rekindle when their really wasn’t any problems to begin with. Meanwhile, Ian gets into more trouble at the concert he set up for the girls when he attempts to imitate them…David Cross, you deserve much better. After the contest, Dave allows the Chipettes to stay with them…so what are they now? Brothers and sisters with benefits? Yeah I'm not going to waste my time bothering to figure this out.

In two post-credits scenes, the principal has the jocks scrape gum off from under the bleachers in the gymnasium, while Ian is thrown into a dumpster.

Needless to say, the Squeakuel is pretty painful. I mean it’s clearly not my target audience, but I know of many other ways I would rather spend my hour and a half if I could get my time back:

-I would rather read The Hunger Games for the third time

-I would go see one of those unnecessary 3D re-releases of established films

-I’d climb a tree

-Go play Scrabble instead of Words with Friends

-Scrape my knees

-Get dirty

-Order from that new pizza place that just opened up down the road that all my neighbors have been raving about

-Eat a full container of cookie dough

-Throw a football around with Tommy Wiseau and friends in The Room

-Giggle with modesty

-Try a cartwheel for the first time since elementary school

-Bond over an old Beatles record with Jelly

-Give my dog a bath

-Read my encyclopedia of movies and replace other words with the word “Sauce”

I WOULD RATHER USE MY TIME AS A MERE DISTRACTION TO INTERACT WITH SOMEONE, SOMETHING, OR THEMSELVES THAN RATHER WATCH ANY OF THE ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNK SEQUELS EVER AGAIN!

So with that out of the way, we will hit horror movie month in October. I got plenty of treats in store, I will start this horror movie madness off right by having my next review out by the first? What will it be you may wonder? The Wicker Man remake. Hope this all goes well.

[G.G.]

Is this still continuing?

[Clappy]

Is this still continuing?

Yes it is. I've been rather lazy about reviewing lately. I actually am not going to review The Wicker Man since I kinda liked how horrible it was. It's one of those movies that is so bizarrely bad that I was entertained. However, expect a new target very soon.

[Clappy]

Like I said earlier, sorry for delays. Let's finally start the horror movie reviews. I'm going to get the worst done with first.

In 1999, the original Blair Witch Project came out. The movie got a lot of hype for creating a lot of scares with a microscopic budget. It was shot mostly on a video camera and starred three film students in the middle of the woods out in Maryland. While I consider it as a shaky-cam vomiting mess, there’s no denying it had a huge impact. Not only did the movie make a shit-ton of money, but it also inspired the found footage horror genre. Well a year afterwards, Artisan decided to make a sequel…and surely enough…this is what we got.

Anyway, this movie starts off with…a bunch of late night talk show hosts talking about the original movie? Oh self promotion of the original material, that’s already a mating call for the mute button. After we hear from Conan O’Brien, Jay Leno, David Letterman, many random news stations, some nameless interviewee who is definitely a Tom Arnold doppelgänger, and...Jesus Christ, enough with the self promotion! We get the original was a massive hit, bring on the fucking movie already.

Once the movie finally starts, we are in a psychiatric ward with some guy getting fluid drained through his nose. Random? Then we go back in time to November 1999. Wait that's it? How can they just cut away from some guy getting his nose congested with fluid in a psychiatric ward? If this becomes a recurring theme in the movie of me asking questions that the movie never answers, I swear that I will be one unhappy camper (which I will become).

A group of young tourists arrive in Burkittsville, Maryland after seeing The Blair Witch Project and are inspired to film their own documentary in the exact woods where the movie was filmed. The group includes Stephen and his pregnant girlfriend, Tristen, who are researching the Blair Witch; Erica, a wiccan; Kim, a goth psychic; and Jeff, their local tour guide. And these guys can’t be any more undesirable, unoriginal, and just unlikeable. Seriously, take any horror movie involving college students and they are the same here. Only caring about sex, drugs, and alcohol.

And let me get this out of the way now since I forgot to mention since this starts out rather early and keeps happening continuously. The directors cut endlessly to the sacrificing of these people that we don’t see yet. They don’t tie into what’s going on at the moment, like…at all. They just show it out of nowhere completely at random and then cut back to the movie like nothing’s happened. Sometimes it’s just a microsecond, but irregardless it is incredibly frustrating.

But back to the story. Our film group’s first stop, where they camp for the night, is the ruins of Rustin Parr's house. Jeff places cameras to catch any sightings that may occur. That evening another tour group from Berlin approaches their camp and claims to have jurisdiction over the ruins. Really? Berlin? They don’t have shitty movies and even shittier sequels to investigate out in Germany? Jeff and his tourists lie and convince the other group that they saw something horrifying at Coffin Rock earlier. The other group leaves to investigate.

Jeff and the others wake the next morning with no memory of the previous night. Tristen and Stephen's research documents are shredded and strewn about, and Jeff's cameras are destroyed. Their tapes are found unharmed in the same spot the Blair Witch Project footage was discovered. As they debate why the tapes were spared, Tristen notices that she is bleeding and has miscarried. See future parents? This is why you shouldn’t drink alcohol, smoke weed, and perform Satanistic rituals while you are pregnant.

Later, at the hospital, Tristen sees a ghostly young girl walking away backwards. After she is discharged, Jeff takes the group to his home, an abandoned Civil War broom factory in the woods. It has an elaborate security system, including a deep trench and bridge to the entrance, many surveillance cameras, and a front door that plays the sound of barking guard dogs whenever it is opened. And how much did our good friend Jeff pay for this elaborate housing area? A buck. They sold you a historical haunted artifact for a buck? Who would put together such a stupid deal?

They review their tapes and find hours of footage are missing. At one point, they see a naked woman swinging around a tree backwards. Jeff enlarges the video, revealing her to be Erica. Erica remembers no such event and runs to a nearby room to pray. And let me tell you something, if you’ve ever watched Saved by the Bell, you instantly get flashbacks to Jessie’s pill addiction. And it’s not just because Erica looks exactly like Jessie from Saved by the Bell

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Still some of the most laughable acting I’ve ever seen.

Kim drives to the same store from earlier to buy beer and has several unpleasant encounters with the same locals that were in the store earlier. Do they have a life outside of there? My god. This confrontation ends in a heated argument with the cashier and Kim being ordered to leave the store. Back at Jeff's, she reaches into her shopping bag and pricks herself on a nail file the cashier was using. She doesn't recall grabbing it and it has blood on it. Oh geez, the foreshadowing can’t be any more obvious.

Erica goes missing the next morning. She isn't indoors but nobody heard the front door. Kim discovers Erica's clothes surrounded by a circle of lit candles. Shortly after, the sheriff calls to say that the other tour group was found gutted and laid out in the shape of a pentagram on Coffin Rock, and that he believes Jeff is responsible. This wouldn’t have happened if they actually stayed in Berlin and tried to locate the Deutsch Witch.

That night Stephen sees Erica through a window, naked and swinging backwards around a tree just as in their tapes. He runs outside, where she tells him he knows what he must do. BOW CHICKA WAH…ugh I’m still thinking of “I’m So Excited” to kill my arousal. She runs off and the bridge collapses under him. He avoids falling by grabbing a ledge, and while climbing he sees the same ghost girl Tristen did in the hospital. She repeats Erica's statement before vanishing. COME ON HAVE A FUCKING POINT ALREADY.

The sheriff calls again and tells Jeff he's outside and has some questions. Jeff doesn't understand since the bridge is out, but a security monitor shows it is now intact. He opens the front door, but the bridge is once again broken and the sheriff isn't there. Instead, across the chasm there is a pack of barking dogs. He grabs a rifle but the dogs are gone. When he returns the gun to the closet, he finds Erica's corpse inside. I swear this sequence gave me an absolute headache. While this movie is a massive mind fuck, I can’t fully explain how big a pain it is to follow what happened during these ten-fifteen minutes. Which if you haven't found out by now, that's what this movie is. A hell of a lot of questions but not enough answers. This movie better have a gigantic payoff for all the shit I'm sitting through.

The group sits in the loft trying to make sense of the situation. Tristen suggests everything is backwards. They are confused, but Kim tells Jeff to play the tapes in reverse to view the lost footage. This works, and the new footage shows Tristen leading them in an orgy and the ritualistic murder of the other tour group. Once the video ends, Jeff begins taping Tristen and demands a confession. She asks Stephen for help, but he turns on her and claims that she deliberately killed their baby. Definitely not because she was pro-choice about that decision. I mean hello? Satanistic rituals?

Tristen ties a rope around her own neck while deriding the others for letting fear drive them to a witch hunt. She focuses especially on Stephen, who pushes her over a railing in a moment of rage, causing her to hang by her neck and die. “Man, I can’t believe I was about to have a baby with that bitch.”

The group is arrested and interrogated separately. In Kim's room, they play security footage from the store of her stabbing the cashier in the neck with the nail file (called it). In Jeff's video, he arranges Erica's clothes and stows her body in the closet (still makes my fucking head hurt). In Stephen's video, they show him lynching Tristen and cursing her as a witch (bitch…witch…eh I was close). All three claim they never did those things. The End?

I’m serious, that’s where the fucking movie ends. But wait I have a couple more unanswered questions movie! Was that the Blair Witch who was behind it the whole time? Did that ghost girl have anything to do with anything? Was Tristen or Erica possessed or behind it at all? Actually, whoever it was, what was the motive? Why kill all these people? Were they under a spell or just crazy off the marijuana and alcohol? Hey, how come they saw crazy images sometimes and then didn’t at other times...like the ghost girl, the sheriff, the barking dogs, etc.? Was there ever a reason to it, or did they just do it out of nowhere? For that matter, how do we know the video footage is really what we’re seeing? I mean, is that really what happened, or did the witch or whatever play with that, too? We saw clearly he/she/it can mess with the footage. Speaking of which, why was the footage only playable when being played backwards? I mean, even then, how did they see the snippets of it when they were playing it forward? Hey, is there any chance that you can explain why they were cutting to those bits of those people being murdered out of nowhere?! Did it add anything to the story because last time I checked they didn't run into anyone else besides those Germans? Oh and now that I look at the title of this movie…WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MOVIE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE BLAIR WITCH? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE BOOK OF SHADOWS? I MEAN BOTH ARE IN THE TITLE AND NEITHER ARE ASSOCIATED WITH THE FUCKING MOVIE.

It makes no sense. The characters are obnoxious, the editing is beyond annoying, which is frustrating because this wasn't even found footage like the original; it’s just a crazy, stupid, half-assed sequel. The idea of doing a sequel based around the phenomenon of Blair Witch is kind of clever. However, this is just ungodly dumb! It really pisses you off at how much they don’t explain or don’t explain very well! It’s just a pain in my ass! I hated the original, but my god, the sequel....if it even is an actual one is just unfathomably bad.

Luckily, this was the worst of the horror movies I’m going to review this month. I may have started off late, but I will do at least three to four more horror movies this month.

[Clappy]

So I have only reviewed one movie from the year 2012 so far, Ice Age: Continental Drift. Was it bad? Yes. Did it deserve to get the Crap Cinema treatment though? That is arguable. I mean it wasn’t as horrible as all the movies on this thread that have been reviewed. It was reviewed primarily due to a request from our good friend Wumbology. But let’s be honest, there have been more worthy movie titles that have been released this year that deserve a Crap Cinema treatment far more than the latest Ice Age movie. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you today’s victim The Devil Inside.

So you know what the most common recurring theme has been for movies this year? No, not unnecessary sequels, no not massive superhero epics, and no not strong animated films. It is the found footage genre raping. I swear we get at least one or two of these films a month during 2012. I don’t blame movie studios for making them. They are cheap to make and usually make a profit. Are they good though? Well for every Chronicle, we get a Project X or a Silent House. However, I can’t think of a found footage movie…or just any movie in general this year, that was worse than this one I’m reviewing at this moment. So let’s get this out of the way now.

This movie was based on the “real life events” of Maria Rossi and her daughter Isabella Rossi. Which Hollywood often stretches the truth on the phrase “real life event”. It is usually paraphrased to “real life event equals suckering movie-goers out of their hard earned money”. Which it worked since it made 32 million dollars on its opening weekend, so Paramount was successful in raping our wallets.

On October 30, 1989, Maria Rossi committed a triple murder during an exorcism performed on her. I really wish we had video footage of that because it is one of the funniest sequences of the movie. It’s not really scary, it’s just hilarious. Those last two sentences apply a lot to this movie because it’s unintentional comedy rather than horror.

The Catholic Church became involved, and she has since been in a Catholic psychiatric hospital in Rome. The film shows a news story and police investigation showing the three members of the clergy whom she murdered. Her daughter, Isabella, learned of the murders from her father, who died three days after telling her.

Twenty years later, Isabella is in the process of filming a documentary about exorcisms and, to find out more about her mother, she visits a school in Rome. She meets two priests, Ben and David. Ben and David take Isabella with them on an exorcism performed on Rosalita. They bring along medical equipment to determine if it's possession or mental illness. Yeah, because actual doctors can easily sum up if the issues are mental that fast.

Rosalita attacks the crew after spouting out obscene remarks in different languages and accents. She calls Isabella by her name, despite not knowing her. Eventually, they get her under control. For an alleged scare scene, this was an absolute fail on so many levels.

Like I previously mentioned, one of the biggest falters in this movie is just the cheesiness of everything. I mean you had a perfect opportunity here to conjure up some scares, but instead my mind is left wandering if they hired some of these actors/actresses off of some Italian soap opera because this is just some of the worst acting you can possibly find in mainstream filmmaking. And this is coming from an industry that has produced some of the worst actors imaginable like: Tom Green, Rob Schneider, Dane Cook, Pauly Shore…I’m going to stop there because Pauly Shore just kills anything he touches and this list died as soon as he was mentioned.

Back to the movie; enough of my mind wandering. When Isabella goes to visit her mother, Maria, in the asylum, she finds that her mother speaks in different accents and has paintings all over the walls. Sadly, none of them are English…which btw movie, why do you have subtitles sometimes, then other times you don’t? IT’S FUCKING FRUSTRATING. She has inverted crosses carved into her arms and her bottom lip. Maria tells Isabella that killing a child is against God's will, then lets out an ear-shattering scream. I busted a gut during this scene. Best unintentional comedic moment of this movie.

Isabella tells David and Ben that she had an abortion years ago and her mother had no way of knowing that—another sign that showed possible possession. As the crew prepares to perform an exorcism/analysis on Maria, David worries about losing his job, since the Church does not authorize exorcisms without undeniable proof that the patient is indeed possessed. Maybe she should perform that shlocky scream? That’ll give you the Pope’s permission to do it asap. But they do the procedure anyway rendering that whole contemplation sequence to be…pointless. Maria mentions knowing what Ben did in the past, as well as Isabella's child. She breaks free of her restraints and sends Ben flying into the door, also knocking David to the ground. The doctors rush in shortly after.

After analyzing the data from the video and audio files, they present the evidence to the Church. David shows many signs of stress, as Ben plays the audio files over and over, listening to the part where Maria says "I know what you did". Ben then finds that there are four different demons speaking in unison in a different clip. David is to perform a baptism at his church, in which Michael tags along to record. The service starts without incident until he holds the baby to start the Immersion Baptism. He then mutters some lines from the Bible and starts forcefully submerging the baby in the holy water, staring blankly at the camera. Wait, so Maria simply telling him “I know what you did” causes him to blatantly snap? What the fuck did he do? The movie never makes it clear, thus we can’t feel sympathetic for David’s blatant dead baby joke.

The crowd of people rush up to save the baby as he passes out. Soon after, Ben finds David at home with blood all over his forearms, eyes rolled back into his head, much the way Maria was during the exorcism. Aww you got to be kidding me. It’s not like he was doing any fucking spiritual rituals to become possessed by the devil. He was just doing a fucking video project. This movie frustrates me. The police arrive, and though it doesn't show on film, David somehow acquires an officer's handgun and holds it in his mouth. Ben tells him to fight it, but he begins to weep, reciting The Lord's Prayer, stopping; forgetting the last few words. He laughs and then shoots himself. Just then, Isabella begins having a seizure. And if it couldn’t be any more obvious where this is going…

Ben hysterically comes to the realization that the obvious plot twist that couldn’t be more obvious. Isabella is possessed. I mean it’s not like she was related to the subject they’ve spent most of their movie documenting. At least this possession makes more sense than throwing that David subplot. As they wait in the hospital, nurses rush into the emergency room and find a nurse on the floor, blood spewing from her neck as other nurses fight to restrain Isabella. Ben and Michael drag Isabella into the hallway and restrain her. They leave with Isabella in a car, heading to get help for a potential exorcism.

While Michael drives, Isabella speaks of also knowing the horrible act Ben committed, scaring Ben. She then tries to strangle Michael and Ben is able to pull her off before Michael loses control of the car, but not before she breathes into Michael's mouth. He instantly shows signs of possession….ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? BEING POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL IS NOT THIS SIMPLE! Acceleration can be heard as Michael speeds into oncoming traffic, headlong into another car. The camera goes black, and cuts in with short sequences of chaos, most likely of Michael, Isabella and Ben flying through their car windshield, leaving the outcome unknown.

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After the screen finally cuts to black and the credits start rolling, a title card is shown informing that the case of the Rossi family is still unresolved, followed by another title card directing viewers to a website (www.therossifiles.com) "for more information on the ongoing investigation."

Yes, this is where the movie ends. We never get a resolute outcome. The directors are so fucking lazy that they tell the audience to go to a website to figure out Thus, the whole third act just doesn’t exist. Honestly, I could rant on and on about how this has to be one of, if not the worst, ending I have ever seen to a movie, but this movie fails too much that a simple ripping of this bullshit ending would make you guys forget about how horrible everything else was. This picture sums it up.

I mean what else is there left to say? The Devil Inside is just a cheap, crappy, not scary disaster; featuring one of the worst endings in recent cinema history. I guess that’s why it came out in January which is often considered low-grade horror season. Still you can’t get as low grade as this. From the amateur acting, writing and directing to an ending that is shocking only in its stupidity, The Devil Inside will make you want to puke for all the wrong reasons. I mean if you want to watch The Devil Inside, watch this one instead.

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[Old Man Jenkins]

No mention of the dog scene, the only part in this movie that actually got a scare out of me? That alone says alot about how not scary this movie is. That aside, yeah, this movie was a heaping pile of shit. I can't believe I watched this in theater, then again, I didn't pay so no skin off my bones.