Clappy’s New Crap Cinema

[Clappy]

Since 70s and Elastic are reviewing, I figured I would hop in too. However, let's make this different. I will be reviewing bad movies, so you guys don't have to watch them. First up on my slate: The 100-minute commercial for Nintendo games and Universal Studios Hollywood, aka the 1989 failure, The Wizard. Review will be coming in a couple days.

[box]

I'll tune in.

"I love the Power Glove - it's so bad."

[Wumbo]

Can't wait to read this. Bad reviews are usually more enjoyable than good ones. They're also more enjoyable to write.

[Clappy]

Without further ado, I give you

Ah 1989. Not only was this a special year because of my birth, but it was back when Nintendo was making strides in the United States with the NES. Due to the impact the NES was having on pop culture, Universal Studios and Nintendo made a film dedicated to shameless self promotion called The Wizard.

The movie is supposedly about Jimmy (Luke Edwards), a kid that is really good at video games thanks to his mental illness (no really), and his older brother Corey (Fred Savage), who breaks Jimmy out of his mental institution across the country to compete in a video game championship. Yes, you read that last sentence yet. Even better, Corey broke Jimmy out without alarming security or anything. They just walked straight out of the building and walked away. Unintentional hilarity at it's finest.

Alerted, Jimmy's mother and stepfather hire Putnam (Will Seltzer), a runaway-child hunter, who competes with Corey's father and older brother (Christian Slater) to find the boys and sabotage each other's efforts. Wait, why would Corey's father and brother be competing with a man whose job it is to locate runaway children? I mean yes men are competitive, but this is just flat out stupidity on everyone's part. You should watch some of the scenes between these three. Where they crash into each other's cars to prevent the other from finding Jimmy. That will show 'em. Oh and Corey's father and older brother start to get closer together as well on this road trip. By how you may ask? Playing Nintendo games.

Back to the A story. Along the way, Jimmy and Corey meet a girl named Haley (played by something named Jenny Lewis), who is on her way home to Reno...by herself. Such wonderful parenting. Discovering that Jimmy has an innate skill at playing video games, Haley (who nicknames Jimmy "the Wizard" after he kicked her ass in...you guessed it, a Nintendo game) tells them about "Video Armageddon", a video game tournament with a cash prize of $50,000. She then agrees to help the two reach Los Angeles to participate in it for a cut of the money. And how do they make the money to reach Los Angeles? By swindling 30+ year old men to play against Jimmy. 12 year old con artists, why not?

Then our happy trio meet the film's antagonist Lucas. Words cannot describe how bad this duel scene is, so let's take a look for ourselves...oh and fascinate at the self-promotion for Rad Racer and....the Power Glove..it's so bad.

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Oh and btw, the sexual tension that came out of no where between Corey and Haley? Too funny.

Anywho, they finally arrive in Reno, where it is revealed that Haley wants her share of the prize money to help her father buy a house. Helping out her no where to be found father? What a bitch. They reconcile soon after and help train Jimmy on several Nintendo games in the Reno arcades, using Nintendo PlayChoice-10 machines in more needless self-promotion. Oh and Putnam locates them and brings us easily the funniest moment of the movie:

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That girl must have matured fast because last time I checked, 12 year olds don't have developed breasts.

Anywho, at the tournament, which is held at Universal Studios Hollywood (at least it's not Nintendo, but promoting your own studios is just pathetic), Jimmy qualifies as a finalist after a preliminary round of Ninja Gaiden. The rest of the family also convenes at the tournament thanks to Lucas telling them where they are going, as well as Putnam, who has returned to chase the kids all around, in a completely obvious promotion of themselves, Universal Studios Hollywood. Putnam almost causes Jimmy to miss the final round, but in a moment of surprise, they escape via the witchcraft known as the elevator. Yes, Putnam doesn't know what the hell an elevator is. Money well spent Jimmy's mother.

Jimmy makes it back in time to compete with the two other finalists, including Lucas, in a game of Super Mario Bros. 3, which at the time had not been released in the United States, Falling behind, Haley tells him where the Warp Whistles are located...WAIT WHAT? THE GAME HAS NOT BEEN RELEASED IN THE UNITED STATES AND SHE KNOWS WHERE THE WARP WHISTLES ARE LOCTED???? SHE'S A WITCH!! Anywho, Jimmy comes back and wins the tournament at the last second after finding the final Warp Whistle.

On the way back home, the family passes by a dinosaur tourist trap, and Jimmy becomes so excited and restless that they pull over. He runs from the car up into one of the dinosaurs, his family in pursuit. Inside, Jimmy takes from his lunchbox one of his pictures of his sister, taken at the foot of the dinosaur with the rest of the family during a vacation, and Corey realizes that it was never about the video game tournament. Jimmy simply wanted to leave his sister's mementos in a place where she would be happy. He leaves the lunchbox inside the dinosaur, and together the family returns home in a heart touching moment that would bring a tear to your eye if it wasn't for the rest of the compiled shit this movie was before this scene.

As is often the case in shitty family films, this dangerous and senseless runaway jaunt somehow brings a broken family together, but it's kind of hard to tell who the movie really is about with all the cheap plugs for Universal Studios and especially Nintendo. I mean it feels like every five minutes, we get a plug for Nintendo games, accessories, and especially Super Mario Brothers 3, which was new at the time to everyone except to the mystical being that is Haley. Still, The Wizard's industrial-strength product placement makes The Wizard a unique exercise in crappy '80s moviemaking - which has now become a unique exercise in crappy '80s nostalgia. Which is why I wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone.

Now time for a unique grading scale. Of course these movies are terrible, so I will rank them on a scale of how painful these were. With the lowest score of 1 being bad all the way to 5 being I hope this movie burns in the deepest pits of hell. Oh and I don't use stars, I will be using Baby Adam Sandlers. So for The Wizard, I give this three Baby Sandlers out of five. This was more unintentionally humorously bad and the ending was somewhat touching. Still, would not recommend this movie to anyone.

[Steel Sponge]

I eagerly wait for your next review.

[Elastic Dawg]

It becomes really awkward when you realize the kid who touched her breast is apparently a registered sex offender now.

Nice review.

[Clappy]

It becomes really awkward when you realize the man who touched her breast is apparently a registered sex offender now.

Nice review.

Fixed.

Oh and thanks for the comments. Another review is coming soon. My next victim will be a M. Night Shyamalan classic...so many to choose from. Which will it be? Tune in to find out.

[Clappy]

Welcome readers! Tonight's installment will not be the M Night Shyamalan disaster that I promised since I am not in the mood to torture myself with it today. However, I did watch the following movie not too long ago and is quite fresh in my mind. Thus, I will review this following piece of crap from our friends at Happy Madison Studios (prepare for me to review a couple of their works in this thread).

Let me start off by saying that it really disappoints me how much David Spade leeches off Adam Sandler. The guy is more talented than he gives himself credit for. I mean The Showbiz Show with David Spade was hilarious and greatly under appreciated. That being said, whenever he collaborates with Sandler, he gives out half assed performances and terrible movies. The following movie, Joe Dirt, might be his worst.

Joe Dirt works as a custodian at a radio station and lives in a sewer in the basement of the facility because apparently he can't get tossed out for living in a public building. When a producer at the radio station discovers Joe getting bullied for being white trash in the hallway, the producer finds Joe's natural white trash demeanor too over the top to be believed, and insists he be brought into the studio to talk live on the air with a famous disc jockey named Zander Kelly (Dennis Miller in his usual what the hell am I doing here vibe). And let me stop there for a minute. If this is the number 1 radio station in the area, I am pretty sure they can find better guests to interview than a homeless janitor with one of the worst mullets in existence...but I digress.

Joe tells his life story to Dennis Miller...I mean Zander (sorry, but you I can't help but break the fourth wall with a name like Zander), beginning with his being inadvertently left behind by his parents at the Grand Canyon when he was eight. After growing up in a montage of bizarre foster homes, Joe finds himself living in the outskirts of the village of Silvertown, Idaho. While there, he pursues a love interest, Brandy (Brittany Daniel) whose goal it is to wear as many skimpy clothes as possible throughout the movie, but alas the local bully Robby (Kid Rock) also has a crush on Brandy...and I'm gonna pause for a minute to put emphasis on singers trying to act. It shouldn't happen. Just because it worked for Whitney Houston, doesn't mean that every singer should turn into an actor. Kid Rock's acting abilities in this movie are incredibly bad. It's not hard to outact Joe Don Baker (who is Brandy's father btw), but somehow Kid Rock just can't do it. He failed hard in this and tunes in one of the worst acting performances I've seen.

After a bizarre twist of events leads to the death of Brandy's beloved dog, Charlie, a reflective Joe feels the need to seek out his parents. The search for his parents leads Joe on a series of adventures, meeting colorful characters along the way like: Kicking Wing the Native American fireworks salesman (Adam Beach...someone who had loads of potential) and Charlene the gator farm owner (Rosanna Arquette because she can't find work). Joe Dirt lives by working odd jobs. Parodying the lotion scene from The Silence of the Lambs, Joe narrowly escapes death when captured by Buffalo Bob. Honestly, this parody almost makes any Wayans Brother parody movie a piece of gold. Let's take a look:

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Sorry you guys had to see that, but that was beyond painful.

He then ends up in New Orleans where he works as a high school janitor/handyman for a former mobster in the Witness Protection Program, Clem (Christopher Walken in a huge waste of talent). However, Christopher Walken easily gives the best moment in the movie by insulting a fire extinguisher.

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While Dennis Miller and the listening audience initially seek amusement at Joe's expense, his optimistic outlook on life and good-natured self deprecation lead to Dennis Miller and the audience falling in love with him because I too would feel sympathetic over a janitor. Eventually, Joe lands his janitorial job at the Los Angeles radio station where he recounts how, at one point, he decided to give up the search and return to Silvertown to be with Brandy. When he got there, Robby informed him that Brandy found Joe's parents, but instructed Robby not to tell Joe. Robby produced and reads a note from Brandy to prove it (SN: Kid Rock acting like he can't read is probably his worst instance of acting in this). Hearing this, Zander insists on getting Brandy on the phone to find out why she did this. Brandy admits to writing the note to Robby. She did it because she wanted to tell Joe in person, but never had the opportunity. Brandy goes on to tell Joe that his parents were killed the day they were at the Grand Canyon and pleads with Joe to come home. Well geez, what a bitch. Your parents are dead so come and I'll show you how easy I am.

Joe is unaware that recounting his story on the radio has won the hearts of listeners and made him an overnight media sensation. An appearance on TRL with Carson Daly results in a phone call from a woman claiming to be Joe's mother. Joe goes to meet her, but is disappointed to discover that his parents (Fred Ward and Caroline Aaron) are really just using Joe's publicity to help sell her homemade clown figurines, and that they intentionally abandoned him at the Grand Canyon because they are self-centered bastards. No seriously, I actually felt bad for Joe after hearing how big a bunch of pricks his parents are...until those creepy clowns kept popping out everywhere. Angry and sad, he destroys the clown figurines and storms out, effectively cutting his ties with his parents. Depressed, Joe goes to a bridge to commit suicide, but Brandy appears and says that she had told Joe his parents were dead just to protect him when she found out what horrible people they were.

A policeman on horseback lassoes Joe's legs with bungee jumping cord to stop him from jumping, in the process he inadvertently unbalances Joe causing him to fall off the bridge. The bungee cord saves Joe from the fall, but bouncing back upward, he hits his head on the underside of the bridge and is knocked unconscious. Joe wakes up in Brandy's house surrounded by Brandy and other friends he has met on his journey (Kicking Wing, Charlene and Christopher Walken (under the name Gert B. Frobe because Adam Sandler clearly wanted to knock down Christopher Walken's pedigree a couple notches)).

Brandy pays the impound lot to get Joe's Plymouth back and she has a new dog, who is the offspring of her deceased dog. Just as they get ready to drive away, Robby suddenly drives by and immediately taunts Joe, saying that no one wants him around in Silvertown, no matter how famous he is. Badass Walken comes to Joe's defense and threatens Robby as Charlene taunts Robby's car. At that point, they all realize they are like a family to each other. With his new family he rides off into the sunset, leaving a frustrated Robby in the dust, his car now damaged by the rocks Joe's car deflected from the ground.

Wait, where are all the fart jokes and gross out gags? This is an Adam Sandler movie no? Well no worries readers. There are tons of gross out gags and fart jokes galore including vomit, shit, dogs humping, and a scene involving Joe Dirt and possible incest, just to name a few. Yep, you can't have a Happy Madison movie without trying to make the audience as disgusted as possible. However, as bad as this movie is, there are instances where I could feel some emotion being put into this. That is why I give this movie 2 Baby Sandlers out of 5. While this is the worst I've seen from David Spade, at least he hasn't starred in some of the worst Happy Madison has offered...Rob Schneider, I'll get to you at some point, I promise.

[Wumbo]

So is more Baby Sandlers better or worse?

[Clappy]

So is more Baby Sandlers better or worse?

Already explained in my first review, but I guess it wasn't entirely clear. 1 Baby Sandler means it was just a bad movie. The more Baby Sandlers a movie gets represents the painfulness of it with the max amount being 5 Baby Sandlers. If a movie gets 5 Baby Sandlers, the movie should just burn in hell.

[Clappy]

So throughout the month of May, I am going to try to watch as many bad superhero movies as possible and have reviews written for them.

Current possible targets:

Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

Batman & Robin (definitely doing this one for sure, probably the first review of the bunch)

Spider-Man 3 (expect quite the in-depth analysis on the Peter Parker dance scene)

Ang Lee's version of The Hulk

Green Lantern

X-Men: The Last Stand

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Catwoman

Daredevil

Either one of The Punisher movies

Either one of the Fantastic 4 movies

[Elastic Dawg]

Can I suggest Spawn? It's...not very good.

Maybe 3 Dev Adam, too, for shits and giggles.

[Clappy]

Can I suggest Spawn? It's...not very good.

Maybe 3 Dev Adam, too, for shits and giggles.

I'll consider it since I've heard some pretty terrible shit about it.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Howard the Duck. That is all.

[Elastic Dawg]

Live-action Justice League, too.

[Clappy]

Well I'm going to go ahead and get a start on these multiple Craptacular Cinema superhero reviews. I am going to aim to do at least five of these in a row. No clue on how many more bad superhero movies I will do after that, but let's get this review session into motion with the granddaddy of the bad superhero movies. Yep, I am talking about.

I remember seeing previews for this back when it first came out in 1997. I was so excited since I was a huge Batman fan as a child. Never got to see it in theaters or in general since my parents didn't let me watch PG-13 movies until a few years later. I actually didn't understand how bad it was until Batman Begins came out in 2005. I wondered why it took so long to make another Batman movie, until I read the incredibly terrible word of mouth about this movie. I feared watching this movie someday, but now is just as good a time as ever with the release of The Dark Knight Rises looming in a couple months. So let's take a look back at the movie that killed the Batman movie franchise for many years.

Let's start off with the opening credit sequence which consists of Bruce Wayne (George Clooney) and Dick Grayson (Chris O'Donnell) changing into the most erotic Batman and Robin costumes ever created complete with Bat-Nipples and Bat-Asses. And you wonder at this very moment, why modern day George Clooney now picks his film projects very carefully.

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You guys wish you could unsee that? Now you are in my boat. Oh and Robin's bitching about a car is the first of many stupid one-liners and bitchy Robin moments.

Anyway, in Gotham City, Batman and Robin attempt to stop Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) from stealing a cache of diamonds. Oh and let's stop for a moment and get this out of the way.

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YOU ARE KILLING ME WITH YOUR PUNS! I am serious. His puns are painful. Sadly, this video is only a small sample of the amount of puns Ahnuld has in this movie. But believe it or not, Ahnuld is not the worst actor in this movie...more on that later.

Now where was I...oh yeah. Batman and Robin try to protect the diamond by how you may ask? By using their Bat blades (ugh) and playing ice hockey with Dr. Freeze's henchmen in a battle sequence that not even Adam West would have partaken in back in the Batman tv series. It was really that cheesy. Anywho, they try to catch Freeze in his rocket with Batman getting caught by...you guessed it...ice. Robin comes to rescue him as they surf their way down from the rocket...with Robin shouting "COWABUNGA!" (fuck me). Freeze ends up freezing Robin and flees, warning Batman he has 11 minutes to thaw Robin...and this whole opening sequence is 11 minutes in. At this point, I had to take a break from watching this movie to give myself a moment of sanity. It was seriously that bad. Not often do I give myself a break when the moment was not necessary, but I had to before I could go back to reviewing.

Anyway...once I got back, Batman was able to unfreeze Robin within the time limit and they learn that Freeze was a scientist named Victor Fries who became dependent on a diamond-powered subzero suit following an accident in a cryogenics lab he was using to find a cure for his wife, Nora, who was suffering from a terminal illness called MacGregor's Syndrome. Which btw, Freeze keeps his wife frozen in the safety of a neon lit ice cream pub...I mean I would totally make it obvious that I am hiding in something that sticks out like a sore thumb. Come at me Bats, my location is just screaming for attention. Oh and at the same time, take at look at what Freeze has his henchman do:

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I mean come on now, that's just fucking stupid.

Meanwhile, in South America, botanist Dr. Pamela Isley (Uma Thurman) is working under Dr. Jason Woodrue, a mad scientist who recently had his funding cut by Wayne Enterprises and is experimenting with the strength serum "Venom". Isley discovers Woodrue subjecting a diminutive convict to the experiment, transforming him into the muscular "Bane"....whoa whoa whoa. WHAT THE FUCK? Woodrue is not responsible for making Bane. Just no..Woodrue and Isley argue over the use of the drug and, when she refuses to join him, Woodrue overturns a shelf of various toxins onto her. She transforms into the seductive Poison Ivy before killing Woodrue with a kiss from her poisonous lips...because in the comics he frees her. Yet, she kills him in the movies? Awkward. She leaves with Bane for Gotham, intending to use the chemicals produced by Wayne Enterprises for her schemes.

Oh and let's get this out of the way. Bane's depiction in this is fucking horrible in case you couldn't tell by my earlier comment. Bane is a devious, intelligent villain, but his character got incredibly dumbed down in this movie. He is barely even capable of speech and uses growls and roars for most of his communication. Oh and no way in hell would he let Poison Ivy make him his bitch. To say that Joel Schumacher's adaptation of Bane is terrible is a bit of an understatement. I am positive that Chris Nolan will give audiences the Bane that we deserve.

Back in Gotham, Barbara Wilson (Alicia Silverstone), Bruce Wayne's butler Alfred Pennyworth's niece, makes a surprise visit from England and is invited to stay at Wayne Manor until she returns to college. Remember how I said Ahnuld wasn't the worst actor in this movie? Well those honors belong to Alicia Silverstone. She doesn't even bother to try and come up with a British accent. She speaks perfectly fluent English. Oh and she rebels by getting into dangerous motorcycling stunts that never gets tied up from lose ends because...Alfred is revealed to be suffering from MacGregor's Syndrome as well...awkward.

Poison Ivy interrupts a Wayne Enterprises press conference unveiling a new observatory, to propose a project that would turn Gotham City into a lush rainforest, but Bruce turns down the offer. Later, a charity event is held by Wayne Enterprises with special guests Batman and Robin in attendance. Ivy seduces them as well as several other men with her pheromone powder she blows at victims and has the men bid on her...and you guessed it. Batman and Robin go into a bidding war, where Batman pulls out the worst trump card in superhero movie history...a bat credit card.

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Watch it in all it's glory because no other superhero movie has a scene so disgraceful. Not the floating head of Ryan Reynolds in the Green Lantern CGI suit on Earth, not throwing the giant silicon S in Superman 2, not even the jazz club scene from Spider-Man 3. Nope. While Batman & Robin has many frustrating scenes that could top some of those, the bat credit card scene is simply raping my childhood (quote thanks to the Nostalgia Critic).

Freeze crashes the party and steals a diamond from the event. Freeze is captured by Batman with a simple cloak to the face and detained at Arkham Asylum. Robin bitches about how he wanted to capture Mr. Freeze and how he feels disrespected and bitch bitch bitch, moan moan moan. During Robin's bitching, Poison Ivy and Bane help free Dr. Freeze from Arkham and steals the subzero suit. Ivy agrees to help get the diamonds back to charge up Freeze's suit, but at the same time pulls the plug on Freeze's wife leaving her to die.

Robin becomes smitten with Ivy and begins to rebel against Batman as they both start to lust over her...again. In the mean time, Ivy reveals to Freeze that it was Batman who pulled the plug on his wife and now Freeze wants revenge. "First Gotham, THEN THE WORLD" (because every cliche in the book must be used). Ivy later imprisons Robin when he does not give in to her charms thanks to rubber lips and subdues Batman when he confronts her. Who is going to save them? Barbara, who finds out that Bruce and Dick are actually Batman and Robin by screwing around on the computer. Oh and nice troll face when she finds out.

Virtual reality Alfred knew she would find out and discover the bat cave. He even prepared her a crime fighter suit in the form of Batgirl...well of course. So Batgirl puts on her suit...without the bat nipples...saves Batman and Robin from the fierce Poison Ivy. In possibly the worst catfight ever, Batgirl defeats Poison Ivy by knocking her into her own man eating plant..."CURSES!" (Now every cliche in the book has been covered). Oh and Batgirl reveals who she is to Batman and Robin...because clearly he can't tell who she is with only her eyes being covered...

Batman, Robin, and Batgirl go after Freeze together. When they arrive at the observatory where Freeze and Bane are, Gotham is completely frozen from Freeze's ice ray. Robin and Batgirl confront Bane and defeat him, while Batman and Freeze fight, with Batman winning. Freeze destroys the observatory with a set of bombs Bane planted that causes a terrible CGI explosion, but Batman escapes. Batgirl and Robin unfreeze Gotham by repositioning the observatory's satellites, which use their mirrors to reflect sunlight, in order to thaw Gotham from outer space with rubber icicles still in tact (sadly I could not find a picture of this because this is the only case where unintentional humor is achieved).

Batman ends up showing Freeze a recording of Ivy during her fight with Batgirl, in which she brags about killing Nora. Batman tells Freeze that his wife is not dead; she was restored and moved to Arkham, where he could complete his research. Batman asks Freeze for the cure he created for the first stage of MacGregor's Syndrome for Alfred; Freeze atones for his misdeeds by giving him the medicine he had developed. At least that plot hole was rapped up because it was bugging me that Freeze couldn't use the medicine on his own wife.

Ivy is detained at Arkham with a vengeful Freeze as her cellmate. Alfred is eventually healed, and everyone agrees to let Barbara stay at the mansion...because let's face it. Why go back to school when you can simply become the third wheel of a crime fighting team? Good lesson for the kiddies that you are trying to target this movie towards.

THE END....HALLELUJAH!

How can I sum this up simply? This movie is fucking terrible. No wonder Warner Brothers was scared about rebooting the franchise. It would have to take a lot of hard work and effort to recover from a franchise killer like this. Quick Batman, pull out a Bat Bomb because that sums up this movie as a whole. I don't know if this was trying to be a throwback to the Batman of yesteryear, but this was simply awful all around the board. The acting, the script, the CGI, the directing. It amazes me that George Clooney was able to rebound from this travesty and become one of the most powerful names in Hollywood today.

Congrats! This is the first movie in my column to ever get the shitty honor of 5 Baby Sandlers. I couldn't think of a more deserving first candidate. Fuck you Joel Schumacher. Just fuck you for raping my childhood hero. You really deserve it.

[Clappy]

Well here is my future installment list (no dates added)

Next: Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

Followed By:

Catwoman

Captain America (1990)

Fantastic Four (2005) or Hulk (2003) / Haven't decided which one of those two

After all my superhero renditions, I am planning on reviewing:

Alien Resurrection

Howard The Duck

Godzilla (1998 Roland Emmerich hunk of shit)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Bucky Larson: Born To Be a Star

Junior

Theodore Rex

A couple Robin Williams comedies (Haven't chosen which ones yet)

[Old Man Jenkins]

Oh gawd, the Snow Miser part. "Ding! Ding!" Me and my somewhat perverted mindset as a child. I always wondered if he was smoking an...ice cigar.

Can't wait to see your thoughts on Howard the Duck.

[Elastic Dawg]

Alien Resurrection's the only Alien flick I haven't bothered to watch. I hear the gave the alien some weird hybrid genitalia.

[Clappy]

^ Didn't know that. Only makes my potential viewing of Alien Resurrection even more untolerable.

Anyway, onto tonight's review of a timeless classic. Oh Superman. Out of all the superhero movie franchises out there, you are the one that has a mixed bag of results...well to me at least. The first one is a timeless classic. Then we have Superman II. Most of the movie was really good, then we had the silicon S and the memory erasing kiss, which made this just an alright movie overall. Then Richard Donner left and Richard Lester stepped in. Thus leading to the release of Superman III. Words cannot describe how big a drop off this was. No Gene Hackman? Bad. Inclusion of Richard Pryor and trying to make this Superman more comedic? Even worse. Maybe somewhere down the line, I will give Superman III the Craptacular Cinema treatment. But tonight, we have the abomination that killed the Superman movie franchise for 19 years. A movie so bad that Christopher Reeve warned others that this one was going to be a trainwreck. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I am reviewing:

Let’s start with the opening credits. Oh boy! The whole sequence looks like it had a 2 dollar budget. I mean it was the 80s and opening credits weren’t as high def as they are today, but this is so bad. I mean it looks like they were flying right at you like a transition on Microsoft PowerPoint.

After saving a group of Russian astronauts whose spaceship is jeopardized by a rogue satellite….and I’m gonna stop right there for a minute to critique this opening scene more in depth due to multiple flaws. It is so horribly executed. A rogue satellite? Really? I’m pretty sure "rogue" satellites don’t fly out of no where and attack spaceships. That’s not what I hate about this scene the most though. It’s the fact that Superman flies right into the camera (which happens in just about every flying scene in this movie)….IN SPACE. How the hell does he even breathe in space? I don’t want to hear the crap about how he is not really human because if that was the case, then he wouldn’t have needed a capsule to make it to Earth as a baby. Oh and in this dark vacuum, there is clearly a nice wind tunnel where his cape flows swiftly in the breeze. Wind in space…it’s apparently possible…or so they say.

Anywho, Superman visits his hometown of Smallville disguised as Clark Kent, and checks in on the now uninhabited farm where he grew up because his mom passed away. Timing sure is everything right? I mean it’s not like his parents were so important that they had to kill them between movies…right? In an empty barn he uncovers the space-capsule that brought him to Earth, and removes a luminescent green Kryptonian energy module. A recording left by his birth mother, Lara, states that its power can only be used once. This is pure bullshit by the way because Clark clearly pulled this out in the first Superman movie as well and used it. Oh I’m sorry, just wearing my logic glasses.

WARNING: THE REST OF THE MOVIE CONTAINS A NUMEROUS AMOUNT OF SUBPLOTS THAT ARE EITHER: NEVER RESOLVED OR POORLY EXECUTED. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Unwilling to sell the farm to a mall developer (and not resolve what sounded like an important subplot), Superman returns to Metropolis. Returning to the Daily Planet as Clark Kent, he learns that the newspaper has been taken over by David Warfield, a tabloid tycoon who looks so much like Rupert Murdoch that it is creepy. Warfield fires Perry White and hires his own daughter Lacy (Mariel Hemingway) as the new editor. Lacy takes a liking to Clark and tries to seduce him for some reason. Clark agrees to go on a date with her.

Following the news that the United States and the Soviet Union may engage in nuclear war...for the umpteenth time in 40 years, Clark is conflicted about how much Superman should intervene. After receiving a letter written by a concerned schoolboy (I wish I could post this scene, but I couldn’t find it. I’m positive that a teacher would talk to her elementary level class about modern news and politics. #sarcasm), Superman travels to the Fortress of Solitude to seek advice from the spirits of his Kryptonian ancestors…not like Superman has listened to them in any of the other movies. They recommend that he leave Earth and find a new home.

After asking Lois Lane's advice…oh god, I’m about to facepalm reminiscing this part…they proceed to walk off Clark’s patio, execute one of the worst green screen effects, have Superman appear. rip off the first flying scene from the original Superman movie (I don’t mean copying it, I mean note for note the same damn scene), have Lois consult about this nuclear missile dilemma, then reuse the memory erasing kiss from the second Superman movie. Wow, they sure love reusing the same material over and over again, don’t they?

Anyway, Superman attends a meeting of the United Nations (which is now conveniently relocated in Metropolis…interesting?), announcing to the assembly that he will rid the Earth of nuclear weapons…words cannot describe how stupid this scene is. Everyone…and I mean everyone…starts applauding wildly for this. Was everyone impervious to international politics during this time period? Clearly, countries like Israel, North and South Korea, the United States, and the Soviet Union were all involved with threats of nuclear warfare. But nope, Superman says that he is here to get rid of every countries nuclear weapons. What did the ambassadors of those countries do? Clap wildly. Fuck them and fuck this scene. Here is a more accurate representation of how they would actually act.

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All that is missing are crickets chirping and someone saying “Is this guy serious?” But of course that doesn’t happen. Superman collects most of the world's nuclear stockpile in a gigantic net in Earth orbit, then hurls it into the sun. What good PR these countries must be getting thanks to Superman and his ingenious idea.

Meanwhile, a teenaged Lenny Luthor (Jon Cryer, who pretty much acts like a flamboyant Keanu Reeves, no really) breaks his uncle, Lex Luthor, out of prison. Returning to Metropolis, the pair steal a strand of Superman's hair from a museum (which a single strand can lift over 1000 pounds, but can be easily cut off with a hedge clipper), and create a genetic matrix which Lex attaches to an American nuclear missile. After the missile is test launched, Superman intercepts it and throws it into the sun. A glowing ball of energy is discharged from the sun’s...vagina? Fetus and everything which develops into a super-human (male model Mark Pillow with the voice of Gene Hackman) named Nuclear Man. This "Nuclear Man" makes his way back to Earth to find his 'father', Luthor, who establishes that while his creation is powerful, he will deactivate if isolated from light (further explanation is needed because there are plenty of scenes where he is activated while isolated from light).

An underwhelming battle ensues between Luthor's creation and Superman. First, they fight in Italy, where Nuclear Man activates a volcano, but Superman throws a giant boulder over it to stop it. Then, they fly to China where Nuclear Man blows up the Great Wall, but Superman uses his “wall repairing” abilities to make the Great Wall seem like silly puddy. Finally, while saving the Statue of Liberty from falling onto Metropolis, Superman is infected with radiation sickness by a scratch from Nuclear Man's radioactive fingernails. Nuclear Man kicks Superman into the distance with such strength that his cape is torn away.

To Lois' disgust, the Daily Planet, reformatted as a tabloid newspaper, publishes the headline, "Is Superman Dead?". Lois indicates a desire to quit, and seizes Superman's recovered cape for herself. Lacy is also upset, and reveals to Lois that she cares for Clark. Lois ventures to Clark's apartment where she proclaims her love for Superman. Felled by radiation sickness, Clark staggers to his terrace, where he retrieves the Kryptonian energy module and attempts to heal himself from his rapid aging gene. Hear that Robin Williams and Francis Ford Coppola? Jack just needed the Kryptonian energy module to decrease his rapid aging...speaking of which, this Robin Williams comedy deserves to be the first Craptacular Cinema treatment of his...sorry I'm rambling. My mind wandered a lot while watching Superman IV too...

Having developed a crush on Lacy, Nuclear Man threatens mayhem if they are not introduced. The newly-restored Superman agrees to take him to her to prevent anyone else from being hurt. Superman lures Nuclear Man into an elevator, trapping him inside and then depositing the elevator car on the dark side of the Moon. Lol Pink Floyd. As the sun rises, Nuclear Man breaks free due to a crack in the elevator doors and Superman is forced once again to defend himself after fixing an unconvincing American flag. At the end of the battle, it appears as though Superman has been defeated, and he is driven into the moon's surface by his opponent.

Nuclear Man forces his way into the Daily Planet and abducts Lacy and takes her into space….WHERE SHE CAN BREATHE TOO. WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS? IT’S BAD ENOUGH THAT SUPERMAN AND NUCLEAR MAN CAN BREATHE IN SPACE, BUT NOW A REGULAR WOMAN CAN TOO? THIS IS ELEMENTARY SCIENCE PEOPLE!

Superman frees himself from the moon's surface and pushes it out of its orbit, casting Earth into an eclipse which nullifies Nuclear Man's powers. Sigh…MOVING PLANETS/MOONS NOW TOO? NOW THAT”S PUSHING HIS SUPER STRENGTH TO FACEPALMING LEVELS. Superman rescues Lacy, then recovers Nuclear Man and deposits him into the core of a nuclear power plant, destroying him???? Shouldn’t that make him more powerful? Whoops, I’m using logic again. Superman also recovers the fleeing Luthors, returning Lex to prison and placing Lenny in Boys Town...since they clearly won’t be able to escape again and again. Am I right?

Perry White secures a loan to buy a controlling interest in the newspaper, making David Warfield a minority shareholder and protecting the paper from any further take-overs. In a press conference, Superman declares only partial victory in his campaign, saying, "There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them". Oh, of course. We just don’t want peace hard enough. Silly us. Peace doesn’t come from economic interdependencies and the spread of similar ideas. It’s just wanting it hard enough….BBBBBUUUUULLLLLLLSSSSSHHHHIIITTT.

Bad morals, multiple unresolved subplots, shitty special effects, a lack of physics, and terrible acting? Yep, yep, yep, yep, and yep. This is inches away from getting the dreaded 5 Baby Sandlers, but one thing saves this for me. The unintentional lulz of Nuclear Man. Yes he is flawed, yes he is poorly acted, yes his existence is from loads of nuclear bullshit. However, the unintentional stupidity of him makes it the lone bright spot from this heap of shit that is Superman IV.

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Oh and one last note. Why use superheroes as a way to promote hidden themes and agendas? I just didn't get that. I mean it's not like Spider-Man's appearances in front of the American flag was used as a way to promote patriotism or The Dark Knight was used as a way to represent thoughts on the War on Terror. Oh they were? Well at least they were damn good movies (minus Spider-Man 3). If you are going to have hidden themes and agendas, just make sure you put more focus on the actual product. And with that, I say good night (resists temptation to say God Bless America to be punny).

SN: Sorry I couldn't torture you with more footage from the movie Superman IV. You would be surprised with the lack of movie clips for this on YouTube. Most of the clips I could find were re-edited and that wouldn't be as "fun" as watching the original in it's craptacular glory.