Clappy’s New Crap Cinema

[Clappy]

I just can’t imagine an actor out there who has underachieved more than Robin Williams. This guy is legit hilarious and is a good actor. However, he keeps picking some of the worst projects that don’t show off his talent. For every Dead Poets Society and Good Will Hunting, we get an Old Dogs or a Death to Smoochy. But here is the thing, the audience keeps eating it up anyway. So he keeps chewing up the same bad movies and spitting them back out underneath a different title and premise.

The more shocking name I saw attached to this though was the recently deceased John Hughes. The man behind The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles, such timeless classics, had a hard fall from grace in the late 90s. He even changed his name to Edmond Dantes not too long after today’s victim. Now that’s surprising, thanks IMDB.

But enough about the two listed above. I’ve never seen The Absent-Minded Professor, but I do know about its’ history. It was the first Disney movie to ever get a sequel, Son of Flubber. The original was also one of the first live action Disney films to be colorized. This film was attempted at a remake in the late 80s for television, but was not successful. However, like modern Hollywood these days, if at first you don’t succeed, reboot the hell out of a franchise. Let’s see how bad things got.

Professor Philip Brainard (Robin Williams), a professor at Medfield College, is developing a new energy source in an attempt to raise enough money to save the college from closure. He lives in his own little scientific house hold with an unoriginal breakfast machine, a button that launces trash cans in the air for no apparent reason, and Weebo (voiced by Jodi Benson aka Ariel from The Little Mermaid), Philip’s robot assistant, whose sole purpose is to be a flying robot that spews out public domain movies and Disney cartoons. Yay blatant self promotion Disney…but wait a minute. Why doesn’t Philip just sell copies of your flying robot? Oh wait, that’s because it would easily resolve the plot and we would get a much shorter movie. Let’s move on.

His preoccupancy with his research distracts him from his fiancée and the president of Medfield College Doctor Sara Jean Reynolds (Marcia Gay Harden). He has missed two weddings in the past as a result of this, much to the anger of Sara. This brings us to complaint number one. I know it’s a family comedy and maybe somewhere kids laugh at the fact that it’s taken them three times to get married. However, I find this just ruins the romantic interest from the get go. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times? Then what the fuck is the point? I’m pretty sure even kids know it doesn’t take three weddings for a relationship to not falter out.

On the day of the third attempted wedding, Philip is approached by his fiancée who already has to refresh his memory that their wedding is today. Oh geez, foreshadowing perhaps? Philip also gets approached by his former partner Wilson Croft (Christopher McDonald), who has profited from ideas he has stolen from Brainard and now desires to steal Sara from Philip and make her his wife, which he declares directly to Philip. While it is different for the antagonist to just come straight out and reveal his whole plan, it’s kinda anti-climatic.

Before Philip can go fulfill his holy matrimonial commitment, his latest experiment shows fast development, forcing him to miss…you guessed it, another wedding. At least it’s for a good cause, right? The resulting substance created from the experiment is a green slime that proves to be difficult to control and wreaks havoc on the neighborhood before Brainard finally manages to capture him. After causing probably thousands of dollars of property damage to the rest of the neighborhood, Weebo classifies the substance as "flying rubber", leading Philip to christen him as "Flubber".

Philip discovers that as he bounces, Flubber increases in speed rather than decreasing. After he relays this information to Weebo, she informs him that he has missed the third wedding. Are we seriously suppose to feel sympathetic for this guy yet? Philip goes to Sara's office and attempts to explain the situation to her, but she thinks he made this up. As he manages to make it sound like he still has a valid explanation for missing all these weddings, not once or twice, BUT THREE TIMES!

Meanwhile, Medfield College sponsor Chester Hoenicker (who I first thought looked like Joe Biden) is unhappy that Philip flunked his son Bennett (uuuugggghhh Wil Wheaton) in chemistry class. And of course, since Wil Wheaton is involved, the credibility of the project goes down. That night, Chester sends his two security guards Smith (Clancy Brown aka Mr. Krabs) and Wesson to Philip's house in an attempt to persuade Philip into giving Bennett a better grade. When they get there, they spy on Philip testing the Flubber and are suddenly knocked out unconscious by a Flubber-coated golf ball and bowling ball…yeah I’m pretty sure a bowling ball flying around at such velocity would not give someone at least a concussion. Poor Mr. Krabs L.

He uses Flubber to give his car the ability of flight. During a test run, he creeps on Wilson making the moves on Sara. Oh and he throws an apple on Wilson’s head causing Wilson to fall on his ass. Yes you read that right. Not everything thrown on impact resolves in a 1920s style comedic fall.

Afterwards, Weebo attempts to confess her love of Philip, only to be shrugged off as a computer. In response, a scene far too disturbing for a Robin Williams Disney family comedy. She secretly creates a holographic human version of herself in hopes of winning him over. But that’s not all, holographic Weebo proceeds to take off his belt and unzip his pants and plans to do the dirty with Philip in this form as he sleeps. This whole sequence is far more fit for a sci-fi thriller, not a Disney family film. Since I can’t find the sequence on YouTube, I’ll share this lulzy mash-up of Weebo and Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid.

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Philip awakens before things can get far more creepy kinky with another idea for Flubber. He enters an empty basketball court and tests the effects of Flubber on a basketball. Once again, instead of selling his inventions to make profits to save the school, he wastes it on another unneeded subplot. Oh and if you guessed far more comedic hijinks ensue with the ball of Flubber bouncing around and causing someone physical pain, then congratulations, you are just as good a screenwriter as John Hughes. Later, he gives Flubber-padded shoes to the unskilled Medfield basketball team (clearly since they are all wearing glasses, they are losers) to increase their abilities.

Back in Philip's home, a spiteful Weebo unleashes Flubber from his case, allowing him to dance around the house and cause general mayhem. I’ll admit, back in 1997, this would have been impressive stuff for computer animation in general, but you bring that to today’s technologically advanced age, this looks nothing more than a poor man’s Super Bowl commercial. To add onto this rant, this whole sequence is obviously made for the kid’s to enjoy and be entertained because the critic in me finds this to be absolutely pointless. It adds nothing to story.

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Philip watches in enjoyment as the Medfield basketball team unknowingly cheats their way to victory, but hey, it’s all for a bigger picture right? To raise money to save the school? Nope, it’s Philip's attempt to win Sara back, but guess what? She decides to use her fucking brains and turns him down. Philip dumps all of his emotional baggage onto Weebo, saying his absent-mindedness is due to his love of Sara. Weebo records Philip's ramblings and shows the footage to Sara, who then reconciles with Philip because she is the sympathetic dumbass who figures that this guy deserves a FOURTH CHANCE?? Ugh….

As they go on a magic flying car ride, Philip demonstrates Flubber's abilities to Sara and they discuss how it can be used for profit…nnnaawww, you think? I mean that’s only what smart people would do. It’s not like I’ve been suggesting this for the first two pages of this review. However, Chester discovers Flubber's existence and sends Smith and Wesson to break into Philip's house and steal Flubber. Weebo attempts to fend off the goons, only to be struck down with a baseball bat. Ouch, Mr. K, very ouch.

Philip and Sara return home and find that Flubber is gone and Weebo is destroyed. While this whole scene is touching, another logical loophole is revealed. He created her from scratch, so WHY DOESN’T HE SIMPLY REBUILD HER? I mean clearly he remembers how to make such a valuable contraption, so it’s not like he is that absent-minded. However, Philip discovers that Weebo created back-up data of herself onto Philip's computer in the event of her demise. So once again, the robot manages to outsmart her creator…even posthumously. Maybe this is why we need to enforce the three laws of robotics a bit more.

Philip and Sara confront Chester and try to retrieve Flubber, only to find that Wilson was behind the whole scheme. Le gasp. You mean the guy who admitted in the very first scene he was in that he was the antagonist is the antagonist this whole time? Please excuse me as I try to act more surprised. After a battle of incredibly uninspired slapstick, including a scene of Wilson farting Flubber out of his anus…JOHN HUGHES WHY???? This scene is so bad, that I’m going to show you a very poor copy of it just so you can bask in it’s craptastic-ness.

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Philip and Sara get Flubber back, raise enough money to save the college and finally get married…but wait a minute. He isn’t actually at the fucking wedding. Sara may now kiss the robot because Weebo’s daughter Weebette is at the wedding in Philip’s place. I mean what a sick of shit. He can’t even make it to the altar. I hope they enjoy their honeymoon in divorce court because that is where this half-assed marriage is going.

What a horrible ending to a bad movie. I just don’t see how this movie was successful. I can’t even imagine why John Hughes was involved with this project. One of the greatest writers of the 80s working on a piece of shit Disney family comedy. However, despite all my ranting, I’ve reviewed much worse on this thread. Hell, there are far worse Robin Williams comedies that I haven’t even begun to watch and review yet. That still doesn’t excuse this movie from its’ unmotivated slapstick, poor comedy, and bad acting. I think three Baby Sandlers sounds fair enough. It could have been so much worse, but it’s still a pretty bad movie.

As you can tell, I was desperate for visual aids for this movie, but sadly there wasn’t too much on Flubber for me to use. Anywho, tune in next time as I start my horrible/disappointing sequel month.

[Wumbo]

I have to admit, I actually liked this movie when I was younger. Emphasis on "when I was younger".

[Old Man Jenkins]

I total forgot about that Weebo hologram scene until you mentioned. I need to re-watch this.

[Clappy]

Decided to start this month of terrible sequels off right. I am actually going to do a review based off a request from the previous page by Steel. It is the 3rd worst movie ever on IMDB's Bottom 100 and I've been intrigued to see if this is as horrible as advertised. Ladies and gentlemen, my review of Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 will arrive tomorrow.

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And if you looked at the end of the trailer and saw an advertisement for NickJr.com, then you are not mistaken. They helped heavily promote the movie. Never a good sign.

[Clappy]

So per special request by Wumbo today in the Ice Age series thread, he felt that I should do a review of the latest installment. Well…it is technically a sequel and this is a month dedicated to bad sequels, so I figured why not. Thus, for the first time in the Crap Cinema thread’s short existence, I have a review of a movie that is still playing in theaters. Introducing, my thoughts on the latest Ice Age movie, Ice Age: Continental Cashgrab. I mean come on, after the last one made over 800 million worldwide despite being poorly received, you had to figure that this one was only being made for the purpose of cashing in.

As in the previous films, the protagonists are the mammoth Manny, the sloth Sid, the saber-toothed cat Diego, and, in a parallel storyline, the saber-toothed squirrel Scrat. With this installment, Scrat's hunt for acorns triggers the break-up of the Pangaea landmass into the continents as we know them today. Normally, you would see me complain about how backwards the historical accuracy of this film is, but if you’ve seen Dawn of the Dinosaurs, you are well aware how backwards this movie franchise is when it comes to history.

In the meantime, Manny and his wife Ellie deal with their teenage daughter Peaches (Keke Palmer) who has a crush on Ethan (rapper Drake). Voice acting. It’s so easy, even a rapper can do it (thanks for help on the joke Termi). Oddly enough, Peaches was originally suppose to be voiced by Jennette McCurdy, but she had to drop out due to her iCarly commitments. Of course, they had to replace her with her Nickelodeon counterpart Keke Palmer. It’s only fitting.

Peaches' best friend, a molehog named Louis (Josh Gad), appears to have a crush on her. Ah predictable movie plot #1. Only 324356 left to go. Sid's family (who had abandoned him), appear to have been looking for him, but it is revealed that they only want to leave Sid's annoying Granny with him and leave him again, leaving Sid to wonder whether his family loves him or not. Are kids suppose to find this pondering funny? Because my movie theater was cracking up when they revealed that they were going to leave his annoying granny with him. It’s honestly more frustrating than it is funny.

When Manny catches Peaches hanging with Ethan, after he told her not to, Manny and Peaches argue, then fall out. I mean come on Peaches, have you seen what this guy is capable of? Ask Chris Brown and his posse after a dark night at a New York night club. Soon after, Scrat’s fuck up of the continent separates Manny from his family. Manny gets stuck on a floating ice raft with Sid, Diego and Granny. A large moving landmass drives Ellie, Peaches, Crash and Eddie, Louis, Ethan, and a herd of other animals towards a land bridge, where Manny had told them to go and wait as they were splitting. Only because the rest of the animals have no mind of their own, so why not listen to Ray Romano try to get all serious about the dangers of this situation.

Manny and his friends survive the rough sea and hurricane which drives them further away from the continent. They also find the granny who was sleeping inside the tree trunk in the same floating ice rack. Oh boy, I smell a whole lot of irritable sassy Wanda Sykes one liners ahead. Seriously, I am not a fan of her and even if it’s just voice acting, I find her character to be the most irritating in the movie.

Meanwhile, Scrat, also lost at sea, comes across an island and finds a skeleton of his form. The skeleton points towards a acorn-shaped map at the bottom of the ocean, which leads to a mysterious acorn-filled island. Scrat decides to follow the map and find the island. As he begins his journey, he is captured by a gang of animal pirates on a large ship-shaped iceberg, who are sailing the oceans.

Manny and his friends are also captured by the pirate gang, led by a Gigantopithecus (I’m not even going to bother pretending that I know what type of prehistoric animal he is) named Gutt (who I have to admit is wonderfully voiced by Peter Dinklage) and the first mate, a female saber-toothed cat Shira (Jennifer Lopez). Oh and unless you were impervious from the trailer, it’s obvious that the two saber tooth tigers were going to end up together from the get go. Gutt and the pirate gang attempt to shanghai Manny, telling him to forget his family and former life and join the pirates, but he refuses as the family man Ray is. Gutt takes this as an insult…I have no clue why, and attempts to make the herd walk the plank, but they (along with Scrat, who continues his poor subplot) manage to escape, in the process destroying the pirate ship. They rescue Shira, who had been left behind by the pirates.

The group reaches an island and encounters a group of hyraxes (which of course Sid talks gibberish to and they understand), as well as the pirates, who are building a new ice ship elsewhere on the same island. The herd plan to steal the ship and use it to get home. The next morning, as the herd is preparing their plan, Shira escapes and rejoins the pirates, but gets choked and threatened to be killed by Gutt, after Gutt realizes that she had not attacked them but she had tricked Gutt into saving Manny and the herd. Once again, a little cold-hearted for a kids’ movie to threaten and kill, but eh. The herd and the hyraxes overtake the new ice ship and, with some help from Shira, sail away. Gutt, in anger, quickly turns a new iceberg into a ship, propelled by narwhals…missed meme opportunity here, and chases Manny's gang, determined to get revenge. But wait? If he could compose an ice ship that fast, then why did we waste so much of our time watching them just slack off…oh wait, cause our heroes needed to take it. Silly me.

Meanwhile, Peaches has been still hanging with Drake/Ethan as his posse of teenage mammoth rappers (and yes, one of them is Nicki Minaj…much to my displeasure), but after realizing that they don't care about the danger and thinking that being a best friend with a molehog is ridiculous, she leaves them and returns to Louis. That’s wiggidy wiggidy whack. But by then, Louis has become convinced that Peaches doesn't consider him a friend after she told Ethan and his friends that they weren't friends. Peaches is heartbroken because clearly she is a bitch who we are suppose to sympathize with for being a massive ass to her real friends. I never understand this aspect of family films.

Anywho, when Ellie, Peaches, Louis, Crash and Eddie reach the land bridge, they find it to be destroyed. Thus making the whole existence of their plot….pointless. Meanwhile, Manny, Sid, Annoying Minor Character, and Diego encounter sirens, depicted as sharp-toothed creatures who take the shape of loved ones and attempt to lure the sailors. Oh and of course, the sirens are also female rappers like Ester Dean. Fortunately, Manny realizes this and manages to steer the ship away from the sirens. Later, Scrat meets a siren, which uses the shape of his former girlfriend from the third film, Scratte, to attempt to lure him. Scrat blows a raspberry and ignores it, however the siren takes the shape of an acorn, causing Scrat to cream himself and hug it. The siren changes back and attack Scrat, but he is able to get away because this disappointing subplot must continue.

The next morning, Manny, Sid, Diego and Diary of a Mad Black Woman finally reach home, but, much to their horror, find out that Gutt and his pirate gang had beaten them to it and captured Ellie and Peaches. Manny attempts to turn himself in to Gutt in exchange for releasing his family, but Gutt doesn't keep his side of the bargain and prepares to kill the family. Louis, Crash and Eddie, come to their rescue, starting a battle, during which Peaches saves Manny, Diego distracts Gutt , and Sid and Granny are saved by Granny's presumed imaginary pet Precious, a gigantic Livyatan melvillei, defeating the pirates by spraying them after Sid blocks her blowhole. This would have been funnier if they built up this moment, but Sid and Granny’s rescue was just more head shaking by your’s truly. Shira tries to save Ellie but she is hurt by Gutt, as the heroes are about to escape, Manny realizes he left Ellie in the sinking ship with Gutt goes on to kill her. However Peaches uses her abilities as half possum to save Ellie. WWWHHHHAAAAATTTT???? I mean she is a fucking mammoth and was raised as a fucking mammoth. Are we suppose to find this cute that she is taking after her mother in The Meltdown?

But when Manny saves them from the sinking ship, Gutt attacks, making them engage in a final fight atop a ice raft. Manny manages to defeat him with his heavy body and using a log as a bat to smack Gutt far away. But wait, if he is a massive mammoth, shouldn’t the top of the ice raft, collapse instantly? Oh yeah, it’s an animated movie. Pardon my logic, until he finally falls from the ice raft, but he is saved by Sid, Granny, and Precious. Manny then arrives in time to pick up the other animals including Ethan's gang, who are caught between the moving landmass and the ocean at the location where the land bridge once existed.

Meanwhile, Gutt is killed when he ends up being tricked and devoured by a siren, taking on the shape of a female of his species. After sailing over the ocean, the herd and all the animals find another continent (where the hyraxes have gone, too) which they accept as their new home…until Ice Age 5: The Settlers comes out a few years later. I kid, but hey the Ice Age franchise doesn’t follow historical timelines, so why not? Manny and Peaches reconcile (after not talking out their dilemma?), Manny finally admits that Sid is not the screw-up after all (which don’t they make up at the end of the previous three movies anyways?), Sid fixes Granny's problem of having no teeth (but not their dysfunctional family issues?), Diego and Shira become a couple (to the surprise of no one), and Louis is finally allowed to be with Peaches whenever she hangs out with Ethan's gang (because they never resolved the Peaches is a bitch issue).

The film ends with Scrat finally reaching the island on the map, Scratlantis (a Scrat version of Atlantis); a floating city filled with other sabre-toothed squirrels and nuts. However, Scrat, due to his nut obsession, grabs many nuts in a frenzy and eventually attempts to grab a giant one blocking a hole. He grabs it, despite the sabre-toothed squirrel leader's warnings, causing the city to sink to the bottom of the ocean, leaving Scrat in the middle of a desert in North America. Scrat's eyes burn, and he screams in pain and frustration. How he ended up in North America is what I assume we were suppose to find ironic, but I found it more facepalm worthy.

During the credits Manny, Sid, Diego, Ellie, Crash and Eddie, Peaches, Louis, and the whole gang dance to "We Are Family". Because, you know, Sister Sledge has been around since the Ice Age. Am I right? Oh no no no no. I understand that most kid films these days end with a musical number, but this? None of the previous Ice Age movies sunk this low, but you pushed it Continental Cashgrab. You pushed it.

Ice Age: Continental Cashgrab isn’t as terrible as I thought it would be. In fact, it’s far better than the third movie (which I would consider a three Baby Sandler film). This is still a bad movie regardless. There was absolutely next to no effort put into this. The Ice Age series (or at least the first two installments) have always worked best when it balances good one-liners and zany shenanigans with chaotic excitement. Continental Drift makes the occasional joke, but none of the humor feels particularly fresh or memorable. There’s already been talk of a fifth installment. Given how well the film is performing, I think it’s likely we will get another Ice Age movie. All I ask Blue Sky and 20^th Century Fox is to make a concerted effort to have a little more fun while making this next installment. Theatergoers need reasons to smile and jokes to laugh at. An animated movie has to be more than pretty exciting, and this one just isn’t. While this is probably the best movie I’ve reviewed on this thread so far, this is still a movie I would recommend to no one.

Btw on a complete side note, my Superbabies review is still in the works and I might have that up in a couple days.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Well, in Drake's defense, he was on Degrassi for like seven years.

[Clappy]

Well, in Drake's defense, he was on Degrassi for like seven years.

Good point OMJ. I completely forgot about that.

[NegiSpongie]

I really like your reviews, Clappy. They're very entertaining to read. If I can make a request, after you're done with Sequel Month, can you do a review of The Last Airbender? It's a bad movie that's deserving to be reviewed of how bad it is, you think?

[Steel Sponge]

Clappy reviewing an animated movie!? A little too early for opposite day?

I await your Superbabies review.

[Clappy]

Clappy reviewing an animated movie!? A little too early for opposite day?

Well you didn't post a review last week, so I was covering for you .

I really like your reviews, Clappy. They're very entertaining to read. If I can make a request, after you're done with Sequel Month, can you do a review of The Last Airbender? It's a bad movie that's deserving to be reviewed of how bad it is, you think?

The worst part of that idea would require me to rewatch that shitty movie. Otherwise, I've been requested by others to review that too. So next month sounds like I need to make a date to acquire this movie for review.

[box]

It very much does sound like it.

These reviews are great, Clap.

[Clappy]

For my second sequel reviewed this month, I am doing a movie Steel requested. A movie so god awful, that Nick Jr. was it's primary sponsor. Ladies and gentlemen, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2.

I have not so fond memories of watching the original Baby Geniuses when I was younger. I can’t tell you who starred in it or the exact plot details, but what I do remember of it was just my parents leaving the room and telling me that it was just not good. Will I ever get around to reviewing the original Baby Geniuses on this thread? I am considering it, but at this time, let’s take a look at the god awful sequel that is being highly considered as one of the worst movies of all time.

Following on from the plot of the last movie, if anyone saw the last movie, four babies can communicate with each other using 'baby talk'. I will give them credit though, they could have done worse with having the babies lip sync. However, it is still a shit job when you have the technology in front of you. CGI is a wonderful tool and 2004 was not that long ago, so there are no excuses.

So what interesting topics of interest are these babies going to talk about? Poop? Food? Games? World War II? If you guessed the last one, you weren’t that far off. One of the babies (I really didn’t care enough to bother figuring out which one) decide to talk about the story of Kahuna. So let’s go on a flashback to the 1940s in Nazi Germany. YOU SEE MOVIE? YOU’VE ALREADY LOST HALF OF YOUR AUDIENCE. Do you think little kids actually cared enough about what was happening back then in Berlin to completely understand this flashback? It’s like they wanted to make a Disney version of Schindler’s List. Anywho, Kahuna is off to foil the plots of his nemesis, Kane, who is portrayed by the only credible actor in this movie, John Voight. And by credible, I mean even Robert DeNiro realized that his floundering career shouldn’t stoop this low. Seriously, John Voight’s character reaches awkward levels of silliness. I don’t know if it’s the horrible German accent or just his character’s mannerisms, but I have no clue how Voight came out of this unscathed. Anywho, Kahuna is saving the children at the camp at the Berlin Wall and in the process beating up henchmen whose job is to get paid to get their asses kicked by a flying 25 year old stunt double with shitty wire work. And when I say getting their asses kicked, I mean watching some of the most painful (to the viewers) fight scenes ever with bad slapstick and just unrealistic movements. I had an idea at this point of the movie that this movie is heading towards

Spoiler

5 Baby Sandler territory

.

Anywho, once that horrible flashback ended, guess who just so happens to show up in present day? It is media mogul Bill Biscane, which of course if you even paid attention to the horrible flashback, is our villain Kane. DO YOU THINK YOUR AUDIENCE IS SERIOUSLY THAT STUPID MOVIE?? You are trying to pass of John Voight as a completely different character when the only noticeable difference is that his hair has gotten more gray? Congrats for fooling the 1% of the audience that doesn’t pay attention to hair color. Well at least they don’t keep this a secret for too long. Now what is Biscane’s evil plot? To introduce a state-of-the-art satellite system to control the world’s population by brainwashing them and forcing people to not be active and watch TV the rest of their lives. He calls this evil channel Kidz Everywhere….which I admit is a clever jab at 4Kids Entertainment.

We are then introduced to our heroine, a teenage girl named Kylie who is far too attractive to not locate a boyfriend, but when she does find boys, they are far more interested in her brain then body. Wow, role reversal much? Seriously, that’s her dilemma throughout all this movie. Not why does the children she babysit have special abilities, but why can’t she locate a boyfriend. The babies try to be entertaining throughout all of Kylie’s romantic dilemmas, but they fail so hard, that it makes my head hurt.

Anyway, Kylie and the geniuses go out for a walk, but trouble strikes when the bad guys drop a disk in Kylie’s stroller. Instead of kindly going up to Kylie and ask for the disk back and saving this movie from further existing, the baddies decide to unnecessarily scare the teenage girl and chase her and the babies. But as they get her down an alley way with no escaping, guess who just so happens to show up? Kahuna…who doesn’t look a day over 7 (thankfully, the movie gives us the pleasure of explaining why he doesn’t age later). Kahuna and his 25 year old stunt double beat up the baddies with shitty special effects and horrible stop motion effects as Kahuna takes the geniuses and Kylie to his secret location afterwards. Now how special is this secret location you may ask? It seriously looks like Gene Wilder’s Willy Wonka chocolate factory modernized with technology and little kid toys. Oh and it just so happens that a random teenage boy happens to live with Kahuna in his secret location. Why? They never fully explain it. But alas, he is an attractive male teenager for Kylie to get her hormones all crazy…but wait, why does this boy look familiar?

Grrrr…..DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION GOKU!!!! Fuck that movie, why haven’t I reviewed this giant turd yet? You can tell this movie sucks when I have to reference a movie as equally terrible, if not worse.

Well besides eye candy, there is also a machine that just so happens to reveal every single superpower of the baby geniuses…..uuuuuggggghhhh. Instead of listing off every baby’s name and what their power is, I’m going to let a picture speak a thousand words:

How does it not surprise me that they would give the girl the useless super power of shooting arrows into people’s butts? Oh and how is bouncing around in a ball a super power? Oh wait, for future slapstick routines of course. At least the other two can fly and have super strength. Oh and guess who is there to phone in a cameo?

I have to give Whoopi Goldberg credit, she had to make me Google search her name to grab a picture of her since she had any clips of this cameo taken down and there was no photographical proof that she was in this piece of shit. It’s like she was trying to hide the fact that she was ever associated with this movie. Oh and we also get another cameo from a George W. Bush look alike. I’m surprised they didn’t get the real Bush because the sad thing is that he would take advice from a baby.

Also in a surprising turn of events, they give Kahuna an actual legit backstory. Do I care for it? Not really, but at least they tried. It involves Kahuna accidentally drinking some formula that gives him superhuman powers and stops him from aging, although it is quite obvious that he was able to age a bit. The fact that this makes him so much cooler than his older brother causes his older brother to abandon him at a baseball game. What a dick, if I were his older brother, I would become an evil villain and stop Kahuna from….ah shit, I just spoiled the movie for you guys…not like any of you are actually going to watch it.

During this deep complex backstory, Kane and his henchmen arrive, kidnap Kahuna, and place him in a cage that he can easily get out of. Kahuna makes it back to his layer and frees the other babies and then…you guessed it, slapstick ensues. The babies activate their powers and fight the henchmen. One baby beats people up, the other flies around, the black baby bounces around, and the girl baby makes the male henchmen profess their love for one another. Yeah, sorry for the vague descriptions, but like I said, if they actually cared enough to give these babies personalities, I would call them by their names that I would pay closer attention for.

Anywho, the big reveal that I spoiled shows up as Kane reveals that he is Kahuna’s older brother. I’ll admit, I did not see that twist coming at first, but I will give them credit for the unpredictability. Too bad I don’t care for it because this movie sucks for the umpteenth time. Anywho, Kahuna, Goku, the babies, and Kylie run off and try to make their dastardly escape. Kane tries to stop them, but guess what? In the worst plot twist, even worse than the one in The Wizard, he can’t climb the stairs. Why? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. KANE SIMPLY CAN’T GO UP THE STAIRS TO CATCH THEM. WHAT THE FUCK?

So since that horrible twist doesn’t work, Kane instead thinks that he can give himself super powers to stop them, so he heads off to that machine that gave the babies super powers, but alas, the machine turns Kane into a baby filled with the usual toilet humor joke. GGGAAAAHHH, PLEASE TELL ME THIS ENDS SOON.

All is saved, Jon Voight has to get his diaper changed, the babies save the day, Kahuna is still a hero, Goku accepts Kylie’s invitation to the dance,….oh and apparently, Goku is reunited with his mother? WHAT THE FUCK? They tried to go for the sentimental route to end the movie, I get that, BUT THERE WAS NO PRIOR BUILD UP TO THIS SCENE TO MAKE IT ACTUALLY NECESSARY. You know what? They should have just had Kahuna and Kane make up. If the movie did that, there would be actual emotional attachment. Not some boy we don’t really care for and his mother reuniting with no story whatsoever.

Finally this movie is over. This was absolutely excruciating if you couldn’t tell based off my lack of commitment. The action sequences blow, the dialogue sounds largely improvised on the fly, the laughs are nonexistent, and the acting ... is, to put it kindly, wooden. Superbabies is living proof that bad jokes still aren't funny when coming out of a toddler's mouth. I don’t know if I can come up with any more original material to describe just how awful this movie was. Is this the worst movie I’ve reviewed on this thread? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY. I’m never doubting IMDB ever again with it’s Bottom 100. Thanks for the recommendation Steel.

[Elastic Dawg]

The great Bob Clark sure did fall from grace.

[box]

well.. Maybe I should've been glad i've never heard of this cinematic picture.

It sounds awful. Must've been a pain just.. looking at it.

[Clappy]

The great Bob Clark sure did fall from grace.

Yep and just imagine how it wasn't too long ago when we were praising him for Black Christmas, Porky's, and A Christmas Story.

[Elastic Dawg]

I still need to see Porky's. My trash diet won't be complete until then.

[Clappy]

I still need to see Porky's. My trash diet won't be complete until then.

You won't be disappointed. Probably one of the best sex comedies of all time.

[Clappy]

On a complete unrelated note, here is what sequels you can expect me to review:

-Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

-The Next Karate Kid

I am looking for the following movies to review and plan on doing:

-Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

-Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

-Alien Resurrection

If I have time for more sequels, I really want to do Grease II after hearing about it.

[Old Man Jenkins]

If I have time for more sequels, I really want to do Grease II after hearing about it.

Squee!

[Elastic Dawg]

When you do AOTC, you need to make mention of the "SLAUGHTERED THEM LIKE ANIMALS" scene. People complain about Jar Jar and CGI, but that has to be the worst part of any prequel, and it's hysterical.