Clappy’s New Crap Cinema

[Clappy]

When you do AOTC, you need to make mention of the "SLAUGHTERED THEM LIKE ANIMALS" scene. People complain about Jar Jar and CGI, but that has to be the worst part of any prequel, and it's hysterical.

I still feel that Jar Jar was the worst part of any prequel, but I do remember that scene. Hope they have the clip on YouTube.

Oh and my next review shall be up at some point this weekend (hopefully today). In this installment, I will be explaining why Temple of Doom is the worst film of the Indiana Jones franchise.

[Clappy]

For all the crap in the world that Kingdom of the Crystal Skull gets, I seriously do not believe that it was the worst installment of the franchise. Sure it was silly and it did not take enough risks that we are use to seeing from Dr. Jones, but it was still a decent movie in my eyes. Sure it wasn’t worth the long hiatus between adventures, but it did it’s job of introducing Indiana Jones to a new audience. I mean risks do not always necessarily equal to a better film, which is why I want to take the time to review the only Indiana Jones movie that I can say I dislike. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, The Temple of Doom.

So I know what you guys are thinking, what is the user known as Clappy talking about? Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is a good adventure movie, how is it a bad film? Well if I were to make a list of movies that everyone else loves, but I hate, this would definitely be on there. I just don’t like it. Sure this movie gives you memorable moments, but memorable doesn’t always mean great ones. Enough with the foreplay, time for the intercourse that is my review.

I wonder how we are going to be introduced to Indy in this installment. Is he going to be in a temple trying to uncover ancient artifacts? Is he going to be kidnap by the baddies? Is it going to…start off with a Broadway number…is this really how we are going to start off a sequel to one of the greatest adventure flicks of all time?

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This is disappointing…especially since we have to just sit there throughout the opening credit sequence, which drags this out horribly despite it being only about three minutes. Anyway, after the song and dance that never ends, we are finally reintroduced to Indiana Jones as he is having a meeting with Shanghai crime boss, Lao Che. Of course since the man is crime boss, you guys have a general understanding how these sequences go down. Indy disagrees with Lao Che, guns are pulled out, and Indy even holds up a knife to the joint’s night club singer, Willie Scott. This is another example of how Indiana Jones is such a prick to his love interests. He either let’s them be captured, threaten to hurt them, or in the case of the third movie, let them die off completely…although granted she was a Nazi.

Oh and let me get this out of the way now, since I’m probably going to be complaining about Willie’s character a lot. I hate her. Willie is the epitome of a dumb-ass damsel in distress. Her obnoxious simply breaks down barriers. All she ever does is bitch, moan, scream, complain, whine, yell….you get the point. It makes one wonder. Was Kate Capshaw’s acting in this that bad or did George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have the intentions on making Willie the worst Lucas character imaginable until the introduction of Jar Jar Binks further down the line. This mystery shall never be solved.

Anywho, the waiter ends up being shot by one of Che’s henchmen…although granted he was a decoy who apparently has been multiple of Dr. Jones’s previous adventures…which ones remain to be seen. Indiana Jones narrowly escapes the clutches of Lao Che, via falling balloons…how exhilarating (sarcasm)! We are then introduced to the second most obnoxious character in this movie, Indy’s eleven-year old Chinese sidekick Short Round. He isn’t as bad as Willie, but Short Round is still pretty obnoxious. He shouts and screams every single line at the top of his lungs. I mean someone who shouts for the sake of shouting? That’s just obnoxious. I sure hope he isn’t trying to be offensive to Asians because he is doing a good job at it.

Anyway, with that gold-digging, nightclub singing bitch Willie in tow, Indiana and Mr. Round flees Shanghai to an airport….with a pointless Dan Akroyd cameo. Indy, Short Round, and Willie all board on a plane that, unknown to them, is owned by Lao. The pilots, Che’s henchmen, come up with the most dastardly of plots. They jump out of the plane once they conveniently arrive to India to crash over the Himalayas. Let me repeat, they jump out into the middle of no where in the mountains so the plane can crash. ARE THEY THAT FUCKING STUPID? No wonder Che isn’t the main antagonist in this movie, it’s because his plans suck.

No worries folks. Our trio narrowly manages to escape via…flying out of the plane on an inflatable raft…and landing on the mountains and living? Ok you got lucky there Dr. Jones….you can’t strike fool’s gold twice...but yet again he does….as the raft manages to survive another fall, this time off the mountain into the river…..HOW THE FUCK IS THAT PLAUSIBLE? Yes, I know that Indiana Jones manages to defy logic constantly, but for all the crap the franchise gets for impossible survival after such danger, I don’t get how this one manages to get a free pass? I think I could survive a nuclear explosion via a refrigerator or not being able to melt from supernatural elements by simply not looking before falling out of an airplane on a raft and living.

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They come to Mayapore, a desolate village in northern India, where they meet up with Indian Doc Cha. He explains about how the poor villagers believe they have been sent by the Hindu god Shiva and enlist their help to retrieve the sacred Sivalinga stone stolen from their shrine, as well as the community's children, from evil forces in the nearby Pankot Palace. Why kidnap the children when adults can double their output since they are twice their size? I guess I’ll never understand such evil dastardly plots, pardon my ignorance.

This journey sounds way too dangerous to bring a small child, but Indiana manages to do so anyway…oh and of course he has to bring the annoying love interest…ugh. At least Short Round can be rather useful in this journey, but why the fuck bring Willie just so he can boink her? Once again, her purpose is to bitch, moan, and scream…and the journey manages to prove how right I am. From complaining about the elephants she rides on, to throwing a temper tantrum in a puddle, to running around the jungle that contains almost every animal imaginable scaring her. Oh and Indiana hypothesizes that the stone may be one of the five fabled Sankara stones which promise fortune and glory, but of course that is so hard to understand while Willie is being a massive pain in the viewer’s backside.

The trio receives a warm welcome from the residents of Pankot Palace…which somehow know of their visit although it isn’t really clarified? Luckily they are allowed to stay the night as their guests, during which they attend a lavish banquet attended by the Maharajah...and if you don’t know about the controversy of the next scene, you are in for a surprise. During the banquet, they are presented with culinary delicacies such as baby snakes, large beetles, eyeball soup, and chilled monkey brains. Well as someone who has learned about Indian cuisine (thank you geography and religion college courses), I can assure you viewers that this is not what they actually eat and it’s probably Spielberg and Lucas trying to gross out the viewers rather than trying to actually depict a traditional banquet in India. This is one of the two scenes that caused the film to get a temporary ban in India (the other comes later in the movie).

The palace rebuffs Indiana's questions about the villagers' claims and his theory that the ancient Thuggee cult is responsible for their troubles. Later that night he decides to go check on his Willie (he seriously does say that word for word…to Short Round out of all people). However, Indiana is attacked by an assassin, leading Indy, Willie, and Short Round to believe that something is amiss. They discover a series of tunnels hidden behind a statue in Willie's room and set out to explore them, facing many booby-trapped rooms and a room filled with bugs along the way…with even more Willie screaming and bitching.

From the tunnels of the palace, they travel through an underground temple where the Thuggee worship the Hindu goddess Kali with human sacrifice. And honestly, this scene is more silliness on top of silliness. Be careful though for my younger viewers if you decide to watch the scene below. It can be kinda scary. Me however, I find this lulzy, but it is one of the more memorable moments.

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The trio discover that the Thuggee, led by their evil, villainous high priest Mola Ram, are in possession of three of the five Sankara stones, and have enslaved the children (as well as the Maharajah) to mine for the final two stones, which they hope will allow them to rule the world. As Indiana tries to retrieve the stones, he, Willie and Short Round are captured and separated. Indiana is whipped and forced to drink a potion called the "Blood of Kali", which places him in a trance-like state called the "Black Sleep of Kali Ma". As a result, he begins to mindlessly serve Mola Ram….or more like just bad wooden acting.

Willie, meanwhile, is kept as a human sacrifice, while Short Round is put in the mines to labour alongside the enslaved children. Which leads me to a major gripping point about the film itself, it’s just dark and unlikeable. I mean if you are into watching people suffer, then this could be your cup of tea. However, to me, it’s just people getting whipped for the sake of getting whipped and watching children in pain. That is the whole middle of the movie. At least the other three Indiana Jones movies had clever light-hearted moments to make us forget about all the dark moments. This one, just does not. Even watching Willie and Short Round suffer is unenjoyable to me, despite me hating both of those characters.

Back to the movie though, Short Round breaks free and escapes back into the temple where he burns Indiana with a torch, shocking him out of the trance…and back to griping. How was Short Round able to break free that easily, when the other kids could have simply done the same? And how does Indy getting burned affect his brain, which is under the influence of Kali? It’s just a bunch of nonsense if you ask me. The Maharajah, who was also forcibly entranced by the "Blood of Kali", attempts to sabotage Indiana with a voodoo doll. Short Round spars with the Maharajah, ultimately burning him to snap him out of the trance. The Maharajah then tells Short Round how to get out of the mines. While Mola Ram escapes, Indiana and Short Round rescue their Willie…who sadly did not get her heart pulled out the like other victim, retrieve the three Sankara stones, and free the village children.

Which leads to my favorite part of the movie, the infamous mine car chase, which I got to admit is pretty cool. Sorry for the shitty quality, but you’ve probably seen it enough or the parodies enough to know what happens.

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After the mine cart chase to escape the temple, the trio emerge above ground and are again cornered by Mola Ram and his henchmen on a rope bridge on both ends over a gorge with crocodile-infested river flowing within. Using a sword stolen from one of the Thuggee warriors, Indiana infamously cuts the rope bridge in half, sending many Thuggee plummeting to the river below to be eaten alive. Also attached is the rest of the sequence which is summarized below it. Once again, crappy quality.

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In one final struggle against Mola Ram for the Sankara stones, Indiana invokes an incantation to Shiva, causing the stones to glow red hot. Two of the stones fall into the river, while the last falls into and burns Mola Ram's hand. Indiana catches the now-cool stone, while Mola Ram falls into the river below, where he is devoured by crocodiles. Now comes a major plot hole. Why does Indiana care so much about Mola Ram betraying Shiva when earlier in the movie he didn’t give a shit about Shiva at all? Also, the whole supernatural chanting element to set the stones on fire is even more lulzy.

The Thuggee across then attempt to shoot Indiana with arrows, until a company of British Indian Army riflemen from Pankot arrive, having been summoned by the palace maharajah. In the ensuing firefight, over half of the Thuggee archers are killed and the remainder are surrounded and captured. Indiana, Willie and Short Round return victoriously to the village with the missing Sivalinga stone and the children, while Indy whips his Willie towards him and they share a kiss.

And that is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. While this is not a horrendous movie, it’s just unintentionally bad to me. This is more of a campy movie than anything, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I sense that everyone involved didn’t make this movie with camp in mind. This movie takes itself far too seriously for the viewers to not wonder what the hell Spielberg and Lucas were thinking. Steven Spielberg even admits in interviews that this is his least favorite film of the entire Indiana Jones franchise, with his only positive memory being meeting Kate Capshaw (his future wife). However, despite all my complaining, I can see why so many other people enjoy this film. There is never a dull moment, there are good action sequences, and there are moments of this movie that leave an impression. But to me, this movie just left a bad taste in my mouth after re-watching this for the first time in a couple years. So while this is not exactly normal crap cinema material, I figure why not share one of my movies that I hate, that most of the general consensus enjoys.

Sorry for the delay of this posting, but my computer’s wi-fi wasn’t working yesterday and my posting came via my iPhone.

Now comes the next film of my review schedule: I have two movie reviews being written at once, I’ll let you guys vote on which I should review next: Alien Resurrection or The Next Karate Kid.

[Steel Sponge]

At least somebody break the tie.

[JCM]

You should do The Karate Kid remake. I'm about to watch it myself.

[Old Man Jenkins]

The remake isn't as bad as The Next Karate Kid, well to me, but it'd be interesting to see Clappy's take on the remake as well as other remakes.

[Clappy]

You should do The Karate Kid remake. I'm about to watch it myself.

The remake isn't as bad as The Next Karate Kid, well to me, but it'd be interesting to see Clappy's take on the remake as well as other remakes.

I actually enjoyed the remake a lot. Defied my expectations greatly. Looks like my next film review will be The Next Karate Kid.

[Clappy]

So with one more vote than Alien Resurrection, The Next Karate Kid it is then...for your joyful pleasure at my painful movie going experiences.

So at home, I have a nice little DVD collection. You can thank me and my father for being huge movie buffs for that. One of the box sets my father owns is a three-DVD “Karate Kid Collection”. I already saw the first two, so I decided one day to pop in The Karate Kid Part III and good lord. It was the same movie as the first one for the most part except Ralph Macchio looked like he was 28 and definitely not a kid. So as I pulled the bad movie out of the DVD player, something caught my eye. On the other side of the third movie, was another one. Yep, you read that right. The Next Karate Kid was on the other side of the third disc. At that point, I knew it had to be reviewed if it couldn’t even have its’ own disc.

SN: For those of you who love to watch the videos…well you are going to have to bear with me here. YouTube had nothing in terms of clips.

So our hero, Mr. Miyagi, travels to the city of Boston to attend a commendation for Japanese American soldiers who had fought in the 442nd Regimental Combat Team during World War II. There, he meets Louisa Pierce, the widow of his commanding officer, Lieutenant Jack Pierce. At Pierce's home, they catch up on old times and talk about Chinese food...very subtle. Miyagi is then introduced to Pierce's granddaughter, Julie (Hilary Swank…whose career got much better after this travesty) an angry teenage girl who is full of pain, sorrow, and resentment because of the death of her parents in a car accident.

Yes, she let’s everyone know about the exposition of the movie in one loud message directed at her grandmother. How much more to the point can you get? If you couldn’t tell by one of the worst expositions of all time, Julie’s anger and violent behavior have led to friction between her, her grandmother, and fellow students.

Julie also sneaks into the school at night to care for an injured hawk, named Angel, whom she keeps in a pigeon coop on the roof. The height of troubled teendom my loyal viewers is by simply breaking into school to visit a bird. Remember that as we watch the cops try to stop the illegal bird feeding from proceeding. How does Julie try to defeat the cops? By shining her flashlight on them and throwing it at them. Someone please tell me how that makes any sense because it stops the cops right in their tracks?

Hoping to mend matters with the family, Miyagi invites Louisa to his own house in California to spend time enjoying peace and quiet tending his garden while he stays in Boston and appoints himself as Julie's caretaker. This exchange just makes so much sense for a woman Miyagi just reacquainted himself with. At school, Julie meets and befriends Eric McGowen, a kindhearted security guard in training (uh oh, I smell future love interest) and a pledge for a shady school security fraternity known as the Alpha Elite, who oddly enough act like they are a part of a communist military regime.

The members of this organization are taught to strictly enforce the school rules, even using physical force if necessary, by a vicious mentor, Colonel Dugan (Michael Ironside) who punches his students in the face, kicks them in the gut, and flat out chokes them. Which brings us to this review’s edition of PARDON MY LOGIC. If this movie had any sense of morals, Colonel Dugan would be fired instantly for being caught doing any of these offenses onto a student, but PARDON MY LOGIC.

But yeah, in this group is Colonel Dugan's strongest and most aggressive student Ned, who makes repeated, indiscreet, bullying and unsuccessful sexual advances on Julie. Which brings us this odd love triangle: boy (Eric) meets girl (Julie), other boy (Ned) makes claim on girl, other boy challenges girl to a fight on the docks? Hmm, something is not right here. Anyway, Eric learns of Julie's hawk, Angel and promises to feed and water it while Julie is with Miyagi.

However, Miyagi tries to play father of the year and tells Julie to do her homework. This causes Julie to freak out because she clearly doesn’t need math to get where she is going and insults Miyagi by telling him that he can’t even speak proper English. HEY! THAT’S MR. MIYAGI YOU’RE TALKING TO BITCH! As Julie storms out of the house, she survives almost being hit by a car by jumping into a tiger position, then running back inside? Yeah you know how I mentioned the exposition was horribly presented? Well the rising actions aren’t being presented that much better either.

Julie reveals to Miyagi that she was taught karate by her father who learned from her grandfather who was trained by Miyagi…hey wait a minute. That makes NO FUCKING SENSE. Wouldn’t that mean Miyagi would be in his late 80s/early 90s? Last time I checked, he wasn’t, so you got some explaining to do movie….welp nevermind because instead Miyagi is waxing a car. Julie wants Miyagi to teach her some more karate lessons, but once Miyagi decides to pull out the “wax on, wax off” technique, Julie bitches up a storm about doing manual labor and storms off again. I swear, you can inset any of Julie’s lines with any form of bitching, yelling, and then running away, and you’ll have at least 75% of her entire dialogue in this movie.

This leads to Miyagi going for plan B, which is his way of saying, training boys were much easier. He gets Julie a babysitting job, which consists of wasting a few minutes with bad slapstick, kids throwing stuff at Julie, and…you guessed it, Julie running away. What the purpose of this whole sequence is? Absolutely none, it has no pay off. Which the same comment can honestly relate to most of this movie.

Next time we don’t see Julie getting harassed by little kids, she sneaks into the school to feed her bird. However, she is detected by Ned and the rest of the Alpha Elite and gets chased through the school. Julie hides in the cafeteria until Ned trashes the cafeteria in an attempt to finds her. Wait a minute, as school security shouldn’t he be you know…NOT TRASHING SCHOOL PROPERTY? Julie decides to run up the cafeteria stairs, but Ned locates her and grabs her leg. She hits a fire alarm with her backpack, causing Ned to let go of her…and once again throws her flashlight? Jesus Christ, and she wonders why she takes so long to escape this damn school? Once she finally gets out of the school she gets apprehended by the police and suspended from school for two weeks.

So how does Miyagi punish her for disobeying his rules? By taking this time to take Julie to a Buddhist monastery in order to teach her the true ways of karate? Nope, I’m sorry, but as her legal guardian, her punishment should be more severe. Why give into her demands of having him teach her karate, when she should take the time to think about her rebellious teenage ways. I mean sure we figure out that the monastery helps change her character, but this is what she wanted all along. To be taught karate. Ugh, I’m sorry, but that just gripes me.

As they make their way to the monastery, Miyagi has to run into a bunch of assholes, just so he can kick their asses with staged puppetry like he does in every movie. I love how he says he hates fighting and tries not to do it, yet he ends up doing it in every single film anyway. So after that pointless scene, they make their way to the monastery where Julie still just can’t seem to get Miyagi’s teachings down.

So they decide to go eat dinner with the other monks, but alas, Julie sees a cockroach and attempts to kill it with her shoe. But the monk pulls it away because he is a monk and he respects all living things…except Julie because all the monks end up leaving the dinner table after her attempted cockroach murder. Julie says it’s a stupid role, so Miyagi leaves her to join the other monks. Thus, Julie gets shunned for being the bitch she is. While I get what they are doing here, didn’t Miyagi kill a fly with a pair of chopsticks in the first Karate Kid movie? Kind of hypocritical to have him say that line about respecting all living things when one of the most iconic scenes in the fucking franchise was him killing a fly.

Oh no, how will Julie get Miyagi and the rest of the monks to start talking to her again? By bringing a mantis into the monastery? Ok…Julie learns, through direct lessons, balance, co-ordination, awareness, and respect for all life (tries to withhold repeating my whole rant about everything I just pointed out). She befriends several monks including the Grand Abbot. Eventually, the monks hold a birthday party for her, giving her a cake and an arrow that Miyagi had caught while it was in flight in a demonstration of Zen archery...WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FUCKING KARATE.

Upon Julie's return to school, she finds that Angel is now able to fly, and is assisted by Miyagi in releasing her back to the wild. Thus, this is the sad ending to Julie’s midnight bird escapades. In preparation for the upcoming school prom, Miyagi then teaches Julie how to dance and also buys her a prom dress…which I would certainly find creepy that an elderly man knows my dress size. So while Julie goes to the dance with Eric, Miyagi and the Buddhist monks go bowling, which sounds even more stupid as I type this. A boastful and undisciplined local player challenges them, loses the match, and accepts their tutelage, which only furthers the point that almost every background character in The Karate Kid movies are random assholes.

Meanwhile, at the prom, under the orders of Colonel Dugan, the Alpha Elite bungee jump into the dance…for reasons I can’t even begin to explain. When one of the members breaks his arm (gee, I wonder why?) Ned angrily tells Eric to mind his own business. Ugh, I really wish I could have shared this scene with you guys. It’s just so mind numbingly horrible that it doesn’t surprise me that the writers decided to not have the antagonists answer the point to why they bungee jumped for the sake of it.

Eric drives Julie home and kisses her as she apologizes for what happened at the dance. No seriously Julie, can you explain why they bungee jumped into the dance because I’m not sure what the fuck just happened? I really want to know…but Ned follows them and damages Eric's car with a baseball bat. School security my ass, these guys are further my point that they are a rowdy group of extremists that only think with their penises. Ned then challenges Eric to…where else, but a fight at the docks. Finally we get to see these damn docks, which are a favored Elite hangout.

At the fight, Ned is joined by Colonel Dugan and the rest of the Alpha Elite. They set fire to Eric's car, and severely beat him. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK? THIS IS SCHOOL SECURITY, NOT FUCKING GANGLAND. Dugan disturbingly tells them to "finish it"…IT’S SCHOOL SECURITY FOR GOD’S SAKE! YOU WRITE HALL PASSES AND MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO RUNNING IN THE HALLWAYS. WHERE THE HELL DOES MURDER FALL UNDER ANY OF THOSE?

Before they can Mortal Kombat it, Eric is saved by Julie and Miyagi. As they prepare to leave, Ned provokes Julie, who challenges him to a fight. She holds her own, using the karate she has learned, until Ned cheats by throwing sand in her face. Despite her disadvantage, Julie defeats Ned and turns her back on him. At least I found that scene….

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Oh wait…that’s not The Next Karate Kid? You say that’s Bloodsport? You mean The Next Karate Kid ripped off a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie? To be honest, I’m more surprised that they didn’t rip off any of the other Karate Kid films with their fight.

This prompts Colonel Dugan to desperately bully the rest of his group, urging them to continue the fight. JESUS CHRIST, WHY DID NO ONE DO A BACKGROUND CHECK ON THIS GUY? Miyagi then challenges Colonel Dugan to fight...oh wait I already pointed out the whole how he fights in every movie already…nevermind. Miyagi wins the fight with even more staged puppetry, blows on him (not that kind of blowing perverts), and then departs, accompanied by Julie and Eric. He then reveals to Julie a tenet of his practice, at which he had hinted en route to the monastery: "Fighting not good. But if must fight, win." The film concludes with a scene of Angel flying freely above sunlit waters.

Wow, what else can I say? The Karate Kid movies just got worse and worse as the series continued with this one being the last one until the remake helped install some nostalgia and credibility to a franchise that was in much need of some good will after this shit sandwich. While some people said that they had a feeling that Hilary Swank was going to make it big after this movie, I honestly did not see it. Her character was intolerable and her acting was borderline laughable. That same sentence can be applied to just about every element of this movie. What hurt it the most was probably the ludicrous plot and writing. Every time they had a chance to take the ball and run with it, the movie just manages to run it to the ground some more.

Btw, this was the closest thing I could find to any YouTube footage of the movie, so enjoy the montage scene below filled with that one song that appears in every other girl powered movie.

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So here is my current schedule. I am going to try and have my Alien Resurrection review up by (or hopefully before) the end of this week and then finish this month off with a review of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. After that, we go to September where I go back to just reviewing random bad films. I have some very special projects in the works for this month that I think you guys will enjoy. I will not spoil too much for you, but you guys will have to wait to be surprised.

[Clappy]

I’ve been meaning to review this film for quite a while now. My original trajectory was for before the release of Prometheus, but I couldn’t get my hands on the movie until just a few weeks ago. But hey, better late than never. So get ready Whedon fanboys, I'm going to show you that not everything Whedon touches turns into gold.

So yeah, show of hands. How many of you guys knew that Joss Whedon, one of the geek gods of sci-fi, wrote this clunker? Yep, before Whedon went on to write one of the big cult tv series of the late 90s/early 00s, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, he wrote the movie that ended up killing the Alien franchise for fifteen years. While technically, Alien 3 was suppose to be the final Alien movie, fans were not satisfied with the ending of that movie, so 20^th Century Fox decided to make one more Alien movie to try to end the franchise on the strong note, and oh boy did they fail big time. Let’s take a look at this now, shall we?

Two hundred years after the events of Alien 3, military scientists on the outer space vessel USM Auriga create a clone of Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver). So yeah the movie wastes no time on the resurrection portion by using DNA from blood samples taken before Ripley’s death, which is way too convenient of a loophole for my tastes. They extract the embryo of an Alien queen that had been growing inside her at the time of her death, raise it, and collect its eggs for further use.

Meanwhile, that leaves the Ripley clone is placed into a plastic bag and thrown into a holding chamber, until she can regain consciousness. Now they are just dicking around with her to be kept alive for further study. As a result of her DNA being mixed with the Alien's during the cloning process, she develops enhanced strength and reflexes, acidic blood, and an empathic link with the Aliens. Oh and she can mispronounce words like saying “fuck” instead of “fork”. Hehe she said fuck...I think I’m going to just say fork throughout this review from here on out.

Apparently things have changed a great deal in the past two hundred years since Ripley’s death like: they have acid proof cells to keep the aliens in, scientists who aren’t too busy fucking around with the aliens instead of doing actual research, a general who at least understands that implications at stake, and not having to rely on space pirates to take care of their precious cargo. Of course I am being incredibly sarcastic because instead we have the exact opposite of everything I listed off. This operation is anything but air tight, which means the aliens are bound to break loose and have their way, right? Btw someone get Brad Dourif some help. He is getting too involved with his research (sorry for the Evanescene music):

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Anyway, since I already implied how air tight this operation isn’t, a group of space pirates arrive in their ship, the Betty, delivering several kidnapped humans in stasis. The military scientists use the kidnapped humans as hosts for the Aliens, raising several adult Aliens for study. You’ll see plenty of recognizable names here including Johner (Ron Perlman, who honestly has some of the most unintentionally lulzy lines in this flick (see below)), Christie (Gary Dourdan, whose special talent is making impossible gun shots) and Call (Winona Ryder, who I honestly can’t stand). She seems to always have the same pout face in every scene.

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The Betty crew soon encounter Ripley in a lulzy basketball sequence which is posted below and also watch people mosey around being boring. I get that they try to use these sequences as character development, but since they fail to develop shit, this is taken more as a menu for future alien chow. Call recognizes Ripley and tries to kill her, believing she may be used to create more Aliens. But of course, every single scene involving Call and Ripley is played off as a giant lesbian tease.

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Anywho, Call is too late on her thoughts and beliefs; the Aliens have already matured due to the dumbass scientists messing around with them too much and quickly escape confinement via alien acid. So let me get this straight. The acid of a dead alien causes the chamber to disintegrate and it only took two hundred years for a single alien to even ooze acid? And while we are at it, WHY THE FORK AREN’T THERE ANY GUARDS TO WATCH OVER SUCH DANGEROUS CREATURES? Sure the guards can make sure that the space pirates aren’t doing anything dangerous, but not alien life forms. The logic in this movie is appalling.

So the aliens start breaking loose and damaging the Auriga and killing most of its crew. What is the resolution of our space general? To runaway of course, fuck the space pirates, they can stay as alien chow. But of course, the aliens end up killing the general and the rest of the guards leaving only our dinner buffet remaining. Military scientist Dr. Wren reveals that the ship's default command in an emergency is to return to Earth. Realizing this will unleash the Aliens on Earth, the mercenaries, Wren, a marine named DiStefano, and surviving Alien host Purvis decide to head for the Betty and use it to destroy the Auriga.

As the group make their way through the damaged ship, we witness some of the dumbest ideas in survival horror/sci-fi history. Instead of leaving the vessel, they decide to ignore the exit route and walk down the complete opposite hallway because we have to make the movie run time even longer. Oh and the aliens witness this, but what do they do? They stalk their prey for an obnoxiously long time before Ripley returns, kills the two aliens, and says probably the most facepalm worthy one liner of this movie.

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This is a huge griping point for me. Not the line, but that THE ALIENS PRACTICALLY LET THEIR PREY GET AWAY. It’s not just this scene, it’s every single one from this point forward. Maybe it’s because they are two hundred years out of the game, but you do not let your prey get away so easily. Maybe they should have taken a lesson from the Joseph Stalin school security team leader from The Next Karate Kid. I mean you still don’t believe me? How about this next scene where Ripley locates a bunch of deformed clones of herself (see pics below)? What does she do? She destroys all of them with as many explosives as possible. I have no clue why the fork she would do this? It’s like inviting the aliens to come and get them, but these aliens wouldn’t probably take advantage of this opportunity any way.

We then enter another bad sequence with so many open plot holes that it’s incredibly irritating. Anywho, if you want to locate this sequence, just type up Alien Resurrection Underwater Sequence because I can’t find it to share with you in its’ entire stupidity. But to give you the main points you need to take from it:

-The facehugger aliens from the first movie who would attach to faces and kill them via suffication are treated like flies in this installment. You could just flick them off your face instantly when it was impossible to do so in the first.

-Christie can’t shoot a straight shot at the alien target right in front of him when he makes all these bounce of walls, floors, and ceilings.

-Christie cuts himself away from the group and falls into the water and dies, when he could have easily made it up the ladder alive, but the bottom half of an alien was stuck to him.

-Wren betrays the group by shooting Call in the chest and she falls into the water to die….or does she?

-Spoiler alert, but not too much longer later, Call comes back and is revealed to be an android. Ok I need to bitch about this last sequence from the whole underwater sequence. She was shot in the chest and falls into the water and still makes it out alive. Why did the bullet hurt her android self? If she made it out of alien infested waters and lived after being shot, then why the fuck couldn’t Christie who just fell right in not even harmed?

So to sum up that whole sequence in one word, take it away Danny Webb from Alien 3:

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It’s ok for Danny Webb to use it.

Using her new found android abilities to interface with the Auriga's systems, Call sets it on a collision course with Earth, hoping to destroy the Aliens in the crash. WHY THE FORK COULDN’T SHE HAVE DONE THIS BEFOREHAND? Wren takes Call hostage, demanding she abort the collision. Purvis holds Wren's head to his chest just as the Alien embryo he is carrying bursts through his ribcage, causing it to go through Wren's head and kill him. Probably the funniest death of the movie…for now, just wait we are almost at the best one.

Ripley discovers that the Alien queen has gained a human ability from her DNA as well: now possessing a womb, it can give birth to live offspring without the need for eggs and human hosts (this is far too late into the movie to throw in such a pivotal plot twist). The resulting newborn, bearing a mixture of human and Alien traits, recognizes Ripley as its mother and kills the Alien queen and Brad Dourif ( ).

Ripley and the surviving mercenaries make their way to the Betty, but so does the newborn. As they launch, the newborn hybrid attacks Call and kills DiStefano. What’s worst of all is that we are supposed to feel for this creature that was just introduced into the movie ten-fifteen minutes before hand. Ripley kills it by using her own acidic blood to burn a hole through a viewpane, causing the creature to be sucked violently through the hole and into the vacuum of space….

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THE VACUUM OF SPACE PEOPLE! FOR GOD’S SAKE HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REVIEW A BAD MOVIE WHERE PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF DEFYING PHYSICS AND BEING ABLE TO NOT HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS OF BEING PERFECTLY FINE IN SPACE!

The survivors escape in the Betty as the Auriga collides into Earth. The end.

For the love of God this movie sucked. This Alien should have never been Resurrected. There is not a single instance in this movie that has me filled with wonder and intrigue. When your favorite part of movie are minor characters unintentional lulz appeal, you know you are dealing with a piece of shit. It was about time they quit killing aliens and just killed the Alien series altogether. I don’t think they could manage to fuck up any more Ripley stories anymore after killing her off at the end of Alien 3 (which I really didn't think was all that bad of a movie), but wow I was wrong. Maybe I might look back and wonder if my rating for this is a tad harsh, but for someone who loves the first two Alien movies so much, this sequel was just a massive failure to me.

[Clappy]

So I don't know if I'm going to have my Episode II review up by tonight or not. I'll try to, but if it doesn't come up tonight, then expect it as early as Labor Day.

[Clappy]

What else can be said about the prequels except they are absolutely disappointing. I can't think of any original material for how much of a letdown the prequels are, but I'll say this. Phantom Menace may deserve the ridicule it often gets, but Attack of the Clones is much worse and often gets a pass by for the worst installment of the Star Wars franchise. I'm going to keep this introduction short, so let's get going now.

The Galactic Republic is in turmoil…what else is new? Following the invasion of Naboo ten years earlier, the former Jedi Knight Count Dooku (Christopher Lee who is usually pretty awesome) has now organized a Separatist movement against the Republic. This brings me to a bitching point already. What kind of power does this guy think he has to be able to form a Separatist movement to begin with? He wasn’t that high ranking of an official in Phantom Menace and what exactly does he have as proof to be able to persuade anyone to leave the Jedi Council? I just felt that this could have been given a little more development.

The Galactic Senate debates a plan to create an army for the Republic to assist the Jedi against the Separatist threat. Senator Padmé Amidala, the former queen of Naboo and now a politician (all before she can even legally gamble, how convenient), returns to Coruscant to cast her vote. Upon her arrival, she narrowly escapes one of the cheesiest assassination attempts I’ve seen and I can’t believe it’s in a Star Wars movie. Come on now, wasn’t this the reason she had that body double in the first prequel? The consistency of ideals is mind boggling.

Supreme Chancellor Palpatine assigns Obi-Wan Kenobi and his apprentice Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) to protect her. Obi-Wan and Anakin subdue the assassin, Zam Wessell, during another assassination attempt. However, before she can give them any information, the assassin is killed by her employer using a poisonous dart. Which leads to me wonder, if a poisonous dart can have that fast of an effect on the assassin, then why not just shoot a poisonous dart at Padmé? You’re welcome George Lucas.

Obi-Wan learns that the dart was manufactured on the remote ocean planet of Kamino, and is assigned to investigate, while Anakin is assigned to escort Padmé back to her home planet of Naboo. Anakin relishes the opportunity to spend time with her, and they fall in love. In investigating Kamino, Obi-Wan discovers that it has been removed from the navigation maps of the Jedi archives. Yoda reveals that such a thing could only have been done by a Jedi, suggesting that a conspiracy is afoot.

Before I keep revisiting the plot and continuing down this review, I have to side track myself for a minute and make the main rant of this review. Do you guys want to know why I am unmotivated to insert most of my usual sarcasm and other material into this? This movie can’t possibly be a Star Wars movie. Sure it contains bad writing and some loopholes that we, the viewers, are use to from the prequels, but good god this can’t possibly an installment in one of the most valuable franchises in cinematic history. I mean is what we are watching even a Star Wars movie? What say you Vader?

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Vader is correct. The action scenes are uninteresting, the romantic plot is absolutely forced and contains no attraction from either side (most of my blame goes to Hayden Christensen’s acting abilities that he has none of), and you have to constantly remind yourself that you are watching a Star Wars movie because this just does not have that Star Wars feel. I mean I keep sitting here and waiting for me to wake up and realize, NOW THIS IS A STAR WARS MOVIE….but sadly I am just sitting here, waiting…hoping…just biding time.

Obi-Wan heads to Kamino, where he discovers that an army of clone troopers is being secretly produced for the Republic, using a bounty hunter named Jango Fett as their genetic template. Realizing that Jango is the assassin's employer, Obi-Wan tracks Jango and his son Boba to Geonosis, a rocky planet where a new droid army is being created…and I’m still yawning. Seriously they succeed at introducing one of the primary antagonists of the franchise (Boba) in the most uninteresting of fashions. You’d expect better from someone who introduced to Han Solo in such a badass fashion as well as Yoda. But then again, this is the same guy who also introduced us to Jar Jar Binks in such a horrible fashion, but luckily he is barely in this installment.

Meanwhile, on Naboo, Anakin becomes troubled by premonitions of his mother Shmi in pain. Despite Obi-Wan's orders to remain on Naboo, Anakin and Padmé go to Tatooine. After meeting his new stepfather, Cliegg Lars and stepbrother Owen Lars (who ends up becoming Joel Edgerton…thanks IMDB), Anakin learns Shmi had been kidnapped by Tusken Raiders some weeks earlier. Anakin heads out alone to rescue Shmi, but the Jedi snaps after witnessing the death of his mother at the hands of the Tuskens. He kills the tribe in a rage and buries his mother's body at the Lars homestead. This was actually rather lulzy trying to watch Hayden Christensen show emotional depth, but that’s just a slight guilty pleasure.

Having learned that Count Dooku authorized the assassination attempt on Padmé and that the Separatists are developing a new battle droid army, Obi-Wan relays this information via hologram to Anakin, who transmits it to the Jedi Council...and Jar Jar. However, Obi-Wan is captured by Dooku mid-transmission. Dooku unsuccessfully attempts to make an ally of Obi-Wan, and reveals to him that the Republic is being secretly controlled by Darth Sidious.

While Anakin and Padmé head to Geonosis to rescue Obi-Wan, Chancellor Palpatine is granted emergency powers to organize the clone army and send them into battle. Shortly after arriving on Geonosis, Anakin and Padmé are captured and sentenced to be executed along with Obi-Wan. Anakin and Padmé profess their love before being led into a large gladiatorial arena.

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Are you feeling it now? Because I’m feeling something…nausea from the bad acting. The two “lovebirds” and Obi-Wan are pitted against gigantic beasts in a public execution. However, Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson) and a team of Jedi appear and lead a strong defense against the beasts and the Separatists.

WITH THAT INSTANCE. FINALLY! THIS STARTS TO FEEL LIKE A FUCKING STAR WARS MOVIE!

Windu kills Jango Fett in a brief battle, but then the Jedi find themselves outnumbered by the Separatists' droid army. As Dooku demands their surrender, Yoda arrives with the clone army and rescues the survivors of the battle. After the arena is emptyed, Boba recovers the decapitated head of his father, and swears revenge for him.

As a large battle erupts between the Republic's clone army and the Separatists' droid forces, Obi-Wan and Anakin engage Dooku in a lightsaber duel that is actually legit badass. Dooku defeats them both, injuring Obi-Wan and severing Anakin's right arm, but then Yoda arrives to challenge the Count. Oh and this is by far the best battle scene of the movie. Watching Yoda duel is just beyond epic. Unable to defeat Yoda, Dooku flees in his ship to Coruscant, taking the blueprints for an ultimate weapon with him.

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He is met in an isolated hangar by his Sith master, Darth Sidious, who states that everything is going as planned now that the galaxy is at war. As the Jedi gravely acknowledge the start of the Clone Wars…and the animated series that will soon follow after, Palpatine oversees the launching of several battalions of clone troopers. Meanwhile, Anakin– now fitted with an artificial arm– and Padmé secretly marry on Naboo, with C-3PO and R2-D2 as witnesses.

And that’s Star Wars Episode II in a nutshell. It ends once the movie actually starts to become good. Otherwise, what we get before all that is just horrendous. I think my rant earlier explains all my disappointment with this movie. It’s an absolute letdown. You get 3/4 disappointing action sequences, dull dialogue, and a horrendous romantic subplot, then the other 1/4 feels like a fucking Star Wars movie. With all the crap Episode I gets, at least that movie has more of a Star Wars feel to it. This one is more like a bad romance with unintentional comedy…in space.

This movie was actually pretty hard to critique. I guess that’s what happens when you fall asleep during a movie you are suppose to review . And with that delay, this bad sequel month is over. Does that I mean I won’t review any more sequels later on? Of course not.

Anywho, I got a couple surprises in store for this upcoming month including a special review crossover with Old Man Jenkins, me getting around to a couple recommendations previously listed in this thread, and more that you’ll have to wait and see.

End of review….oh wait:

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You’re welcome Elastic, lulz.

[SG19]

3 baby Adam Sandlers? Ouch. Well, to me, Episode II is kinda middle-of-the-road. It's good for an occasional watch, but definitely the weakest of the franchise. I also agree that the Yoda battle is quite riveting.

[Elastic Dawg]

This is probably my "favorite" of the prequel trilogy because of the unintended comedy. Hayden Christensen is one of the worst actors evar.

[Metal Snake]

If my sources are correct, the actual reason why Alien: Resurrection was so terrible is because the original script was written as a parody, but was made into a serious film. And the Star Wars prequel films aren't that bad, they're just far inferior to the original trilogy.

[Clappy]

If my sources are correct, the actual reason why Alien: Resurrection was so terrible is because the original script was written as a parody, but was made into a serious film. And the Star Wars prequel films aren't that bad, they're just far inferior to the original trilogy.

Didn't know about the Alien Resurrection script, but I do agree about the Star Wars prequels.

I do think Episode I gets way too much flack, when it is actually ok, at least to me it is. I hate Episode II, clearly . While I think Episode III is actually really good and is much better than people make it out to be.

[Clappy]

So I have some catching up to do thanks to Star Wars Episode II being delayed. Expect my next film review to come either today or tomorrow depending on if I can sit through this one. Like I said, I'm going through my requests: either through here or from conversations on the XAT. This one was recommended on the XAT months ago by Boxxy. All I can say is I accepted his challenge.

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[NegiSpongie]

I too like Episode I, I never really hated it like everyone else. But I do agree that Episode 2 is really bad. To me it was really boring, up until the ending it had me falling asleep

[Clappy]

So yeah, often regarded as one of the worst films ever made. This should let you guys know how bad this movie is going to suck. John Travolta, long time Scientologist, sought out for years to get this project made, even going as far as to give up millions of his own to get this off the ground. Studios backed off this project due to concerns of the controversy of scientology and the novel by L. Ron Hubbard. Well, let me get this out of the way now. This movie pretty much has nothing to do with scientology at all. It’s more of a stupid sci-fi movie. Enough stalling, I can't have access to this on Blockbuster On-Demand for too much longer. It's wasting valuable space, so let’s get this over with already.

In the year 3000, Earth has been ruled for 1,000 years by the Psychlos, a brutal race of giant humanoid aliens…I’m sorry, but really? Who the fuck would name their species Psychlos? It’s like they asked a preschooler to help create their advanced name. Whatever, the remnants of humanity are either: enslaved by the Psychlos and used for manual labor or survive in primitive tribes living in remote areas outside Psychlo control. All of this because the Psychlos want our gold.

Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper), a member of some unnamed tribe, leaves his home in the Rocky Mountains on a journey of exploration after hearing the Gods took his father away. Wow movie. You are already throwing this big of an emotional turmoil for a character we just met for a character that we never saw before. This is always a good sign this movie is going to suck. Oh and you know what else is a good sign this movie is going to suck? The directing. Every shot of this movie is a slanted, annoying camera angle and every dissolve has the same effect, a curtain wipe. It is noticeable pretty quickly and it remains this way 100% of the time. Fuck you (*goes to IMDB*) Roger Christian.

Jonnie departs on his trip to the forbidden land to locate one of the beasts as he joins forces with Carlo (Kim Coates), a hunter, so they can move their camp to another location. Along the way, we finally meet these gods that they were referencing to earlier, which…I’m not kidding…are marketing statues. I’m not kidding, marketing statues. One’s a golf ball, another is a guy holding a wrench, one is an abandoned car…this movie is starting to reek of stupidity.

However, both men are captured by a Psychlo raiding party with lame ass gun effects and transported to a slave camp at the Psychlos' main base on Earth, a giant dome built over the ruins of Denver, Colorado for high altitude pain and pleasure. We finally get to see what the fuck these Psychlos look like…and oh boy…trying not to laugh…

Please stop it, you can’t be kidding me. God, I don’t know how John Travolta could have taken any of this seriously while coming up with so much of this crap. These guys look like a cross species between Fozzie Bear and Bob Marley. I am dying of laughter, stop it movie. Stop it. I have a hour and thirty more minutes to go, I don’t want to bust a gut.

While I am busy composing myself, we meet Terl (John Travolta), the Psychlo security chief on Earth. Let’s get this out of the way now, before I continue. John Travolta’s acting in this is ridiculously over the top. It puts any overacting that Jim Carrey, Eddie Murphy, or Robin Williams have ever done to shame. I mean what the hell does he think he’s doing? Does he consider this Oscar material? It’s just too goofy to be taken seriously. Especially since he looks like a Rastafarian clown while doing it.

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Anywho, Terl has been condemned by his superiors to remain indefinitely at his post on Earth as punishment for an unclear incident involving "the Senator's daughter." Bow Chicka Wa Wa. Aided by his deputy, Ker (Forest Whitaker, in another what the fuck did I do to deserve this performance), Terl devises a plan to buy his way off the planet by making a fortune using human slaves to mine gold in radioactive areas because like I said, clearly America is chalk full of gold if the 1849 Gold Rush didn’t teach these guys anything.

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Psychlos are unable to visit such areas due to the explosive interaction of the gas that they breathe with radionuclide particles (I’ll save this in the bitch later folder). Terl selects Jonnie as his "foreman" for the project and gives him a Psychlo education using a rapid-learning machine. So wait a minute, you can teach them the language now, why didn’t these guys do this before? Especially since just a few minutes before all this, they were having some conversation pretty much admitting to not knowing anything about the English language or the way humans live. Well, if I’m not mistaken, these guys speaking more English in this film than Psychlo. At least make the humans out to be dumb, so that there can be some sort of sense behind all of this because except for false God worship, these humans at least seem like they have half a brain to understand while the Psychlos are too fucking stupid to realize any of this makes no sense.

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Terl gives Jonnie a party of slaves and a Psychlo flying shuttle and orders him to go out and find gold. So wait a minute, now the Psychlos are supplying us with not only knowledge of their history and language, but supplying us with transportation and materials? HOW THE FUCK DID THESE GUYS TAKE US OVER? THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE! NO LOGIC! LACK OF COMMON KNOWLEDGE! GAH I CAN’T BITCH ABOUT THIS ENOUGH! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU GET ME INTO BOXXY?

After learning the Psychlos' language, history, and myriad other educational forms from the rapid learning machine (*deep breath*), Terl takes Jonnie and others to some random open field to mine for gold. However, while Terl is too busy gloating about how he graduated as top marksmen in his class, he ironically gets taken out by the humans right behind him. Jonnie has the perfect chance to kill Terl since he has his gun and Terl is weak and defenseless, but like a fucking idiot he goes on some speech about how he wants to hold out and destroy the entire race together. Glad you have your unrealistic priorities in order dumbass because Terl finds his girlfriend, takes her hostage, and puts an exploding collar around her neck if Jonnie doesn’t cooperate. Aren’t you glad that you let Terl go now? That was such a brilliant move. I’m glad you are leading the human race you fucking moron.

Jonnie plots a human uprising against the Psychlos after getting cheered for by other captured humans because he can speak the Psychlo language. Um, it really is not that big a deal you guys. So what he can speak their language? How the fuck is that any credential worthy of making one a leader?

But you know what’s even worse than making Jonnie leader for stupid reasons? Terl continues to educate other humans the same way he taught Jonnie everything. He continues to show them how to fly their spaceships and use their weaponry as well. And you know how these advanced aliens keep track of their humans as they mine? Via a very small camera that occasionally flies over and takes a picture every couple of hours. HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE THESE ALIENS? But I guess they are too busy making love to their “attractive women”:

And yes, that is John Travolta’s real life wife, Kelly Preston.

Jonnie obtains gold from Fort Knox to satisfy Terl's demands, instead of mining gold as ordered. Wait a minute…you gotta be fucking kidding me? How doe the Psychlos have no knowledge of Fort Knox? IF THESE GUYS ARE SO SMART, THEY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT THIS IS WHERE ALL THE GOLD IS LOCATED AT. I MEAN HELLO? DID THE PSYCHLOS NOT KNOW THAT WE HARVESTED GOLD BEFORE TOO?

Jonnie and his followers find an abandoned underground US military base with working aircraft, weapons, fuel, and nuclear weapons. They use the base's flight simulators to train themselves in aerial combat. Their agenda? To get to a teleporter so they can beam a bomb and blow up the entire planet since the Psychlo planet atmosphere is entirely radioactive. YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. This military heavy planet full of trigger-happy alien life forms has never experienced an explosion EVER? I’m sorry, I don’t believe that. This movie is making my brain hurt. All these logical flaws are driving me to the edge. I don’t know how much longer of this shit I can take.

After a week of training, the rebels launch a mass uprising against the Psychlos using Harrier jump-jets and other weapons. And let this be the day when six people were able to take out an entire alien armada, when an entire military in the past couldn’t stop these aliens from taking over. Carlo sacrifices himself to destroy the dome over Denver, and the Psychlos inside suffocate in Earth's atmosphere, which they are unable to breathe.

Jonnie blows off one of Terl’s arms, captures a Psychlo teleportation device, and uses it to teleport an atomic bomb to the Psychlo home world. The ensuing detonation causes the entire Psychlo atmosphere to explode, wiping out the planet. Ker and Terl survive on Earth but face different fates: Ker sides with the victorious humans because let’s face it, the Psychlos are so stupid that anyone with half a brain wouldn’t pass on the opportunity to jump sides, while Terl is imprisoned as a hostage within a vault in Fort Knox…because get it? He was so stupid to not realize that their was gold here all along. The film ends with the humans in control of Earth but facing an uncertain future...well trust me, I know my future. TV off.

Worst. Movie. I've Ever. Reviewed. Too put this plain and simple, it’s horrendous. Horrible camera angles, bad scene shifting, over the top acting, just everything about this movie is shit. What the hell was John Travolta thinking trying to even get this project off the ground? Was this to please L. Ron Hubbard? If he was still alive today, I don’t think Hubbard would make it through one sitting. It’s a miracle that I even made it through. Stay the hell away from this movie my loyal viewers. It’s as painful as advertised. Boy do I need a break from the sci-fi genre.

[Clappy]

^ Glad to see my fans enjoyed that one .

Well out of boredom, decided to give you all a sneak peek of my upcoming schedule for the rest of 2012. Note: My schedule is subject to change, so nothing is set in stone. Hell, I don't even have an exact order of when I'm going to review what .

September:

-Super Mario Brothers (requested by OMJ, probably going to do this one next since its on YT)

-Special crossover with OMJ (not gonna spoil what this is, but let's just say it's something that has been requested a lot)

-Total Recall remake

-Mr. Nanny (Hopefully this satsifies your Hulkamania request OMJ....brother)

October (Horror Movie month):

-Special crossover with Steel

-Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows

-Alone in the Dark

-Child's Play 3

-Planning special crossover with Elastic, but if he can't locate this suggested film then....

-...one of Michael Bay's horrible remakes of classic horror icons (Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street)

November:

-The Cat in the Hat

-Twilight (another heavily requested film, saving this one for the exact week of the release of the final Twilight film)

-Waterworld

-Patch Adams

-Garbage Pail Kids (once again, another heavily requested one)

-Possible crossover with Wumbo, although nothing is set in stone yet and this could not happen

December: (even MOAR Christmas movies)

-Jingle All The Way

-Home Alone 3 (not really set during Christmas...but eh )

-The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause

-Christmas With the Kranks

-I really want to do the Star Wars Holiday Special...but that's only if I can actually find this. Got to take this challenge just for the sake of hearing how horrible this thing is.

Like I said, this list is subject to much change. I could see a bad movie in theaters or on DVD and want to share my thoughts, thus bumping something off my schedule. Or I could rewatch something I've constantly heard bad things about, but don't remember (for example, we were talking about the Scooby Doo live action movie on the XAT the other day). But yeah, that is my current set up, but it could all change.

Oh and if you guys want to do a crossover with me, just let me know the movie, I'll let you know if I'm interested in this suggested film, and when you want to do this crossover. I'll try my best to locate the film and watch it.

[JCM]

I really want to do the Star Wars Holiday Special...but that's only if I can actually find this. Got to take this challenge just for the sake of hearing how horrible this thing is.

Oh god, the holiday special. It makes Attack of the Clones seem like a masterpiece. I would not recommend looking it up.

[Clappy]

Oh god, the holiday special. It makes Attack of the Clones seem like a masterpiece. I would not recommend looking it up.

And thanks to JCM...I am now definitely going to look up the Star Wars Holiday Special.