Clappy’s New Crap Cinema

[Clappy]

I hate to be "that guy" to defend this movie, but there are some points I think need defending:

- Check out the age everyone was in the first Fantastic Four - barring Michael Chiklis, everyone was a lot younger than these guys. Chris Evans was, like, 21 or 22. These guys just look a lot younger. I mentioned in my review that they might've been going for Ultimate Fantastic Four, which would make sense given the look of everyone because in those comics everyone's a little bit younger.

- Reed's an asshole, I had no problem with him leaving Ben and his because he was on the pursuit for knowledge. That's what he does. There's a storyline in the comics where he creates an interdimensional transporter and transports himself to a council of Reed Richards' from across different dimensions and they use their combined intellect to help stop the problems in the world, but Sue tells Reed it's a stupid idea to continue that and that he should stop but he doesn't listen to her because he has a hunger for knowledge and science and understanding. It blows up in his face, like all of his things do, and there are serious repercussions (that I won't get into because we'll be here all day) and it could've been avoided if he wasn't so into science that it made him a dick.

- I have no problem with him changing his face. He's not changing his form. He's made of rubber - rubber stretches, he should be able to do that. I thought that was very Reed Richards of him to think of.

- The government mentions they're tracking Reed with satellites whenever he goes on the grid, but because he doesn't do that a lot they can't find him and they need Sue to do that because she's good at pattern recognition (which is mentioned earlier in the film), and I think Sue was looking at the code of Reed's last ping to the satellite. I dunno. I don't think it was that flimsy but it definitely could've made more sense.

- They actually did strike a bargain - kind of. The Thing is working for them because they promised him they'd find a cure, and Johnny is good at doing this so he wants to be used. I don't think Johnny needed anything in exchange for wanting to be a weapon because he liked the idea of being the best at it. Sue is hesitant and she just listens to her dad. I don't remember what her deal was, or if they offered her a deal.

- The Thing has 43 kills because he's being used as a military weapon. From what I understood he's not a serial killer. He's doing the government's dirty work. Killing terrorists and criminals, probably.

Overall though, yeah. Pretty shit movie.

Edit: OH. I forgot. This isn't even gonna be defending the movie:

- Sue doesn't even laugh at anything Reed says. Victor gets mad at them for laughing together. If you remember that scene, Reed doesn't make a joke. They're talking about Sue's adoption and Reed asks where she was from and Sue tells him whatever country she's from and Reed says "you don't have an accent" and Sue says "I don't?" in a fake accent, and then Reed laughs, and that makes Sue laugh, and then they keep laughing. Doom has even less of a reason to hate Reed because he wasn't even the one that made Sue laugh. Sue made herself laugh.

-Chris Evans and Jessica Alba were young yes and it passed my mind while making that comment but their characters, but Ioan Gruffudd was in his mid 30s too with Chiklis. I was just confused because Evans and Alba were playing older characters in the first movie and I had no clue that Ultimate Fantastic Four was about younger characters. I guess I reprimand that.

-I think it's well established Reed is an asshole. But he tells Ben that he will be there for him in the containment scene only to ditch him. There were far more instances of Reed being a dick that it just got me sick of him at all.

-I thought it was said that Reed was good at pattern recognition not Sue? Either way, that entire time hop could have made a shit ton more sense. Probably something that Fox cut out of Trank's original copy I have no clue.

-This was when I was starting to zone out to be honest and nothing repressed into my memory so thanks for establishing about Ben's deal with the government. I still absolutely hate that they made him a weapon of mass destruction though. Maybe he was unleashing rage due to the abuse he took as a child but even then, Ben has a much better moral sense of judgment than take another's life criminal or terrorist. Just how badly they fucked up Ben really pissed me off.

-Oh yeah that's right. So that makes "the love triangle" even worse or virtually non existant. Thanks.

[terminoob]

-Chris Evans and Jessica Alba were young yes and it passed my mind while making that comment but their characters, but Ioan Gruffudd was in his mid 30s too with Chiklis. I was just confused because Evans and Alba were playing older characters in the first movie and I had no clue that Ultimate Fantastic Four was about younger characters. I guess I reprimand that.

-I think it's well established Reed is an asshole. But he tells Ben that he will be there for him in the containment scene only to ditch him. There were far more instances of Reed being a dick that it just got me sick of him at all.

-I thought it was said that Reed was good at pattern recognition not Sue? Either way, that entire time hop could have made a shit ton more sense. Probably something that Fox cut out of Trank's original copy I have no clue.

-This was when I was starting to zone out to be honest and nothing repressed into my memory so thanks for establishing about Ben's deal with the government. I still absolutely hate that they made him a weapon of mass destruction though. Maybe he was unleashing rage due to the abuse he took as a child but even then, Ben has a much better moral sense of judgment than take another's life criminal or terrorist. Just how badly they fucked up Ben really pissed me off.

-Oh yeah that's right. So that makes "the love triangle" even worse or virtually non existant. Thanks.

- Ioan Gruffud is 41 now and the first Fantastic Four movie came out in 2005, so when it came out he would've been 31 - which is a year younger than Kate Mara. It's just weird because Chris Evans and Jessica Alba were so much younger and Michael Chiklis was so much older. He would've been probably 29 or 30 while he was filming it, too. Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, and Jamie Bell are all late-twenties.

- Fair enough.

 

- They said it was Sue that was good at patterns. She's good at pattern recognition because she likes music and music is a series of patterns (which she actually tells Reed). I was mostly fine with that. Reed talks about Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea during the scene too and it's when he mentions Captain Nemo and that's what helps Sue find Reed later when she's looking in the code.

 

- I think this version of Ben was just a lot darker than we're used to which was weird. He had such a crappy childhood and it seemed to be implied that Reed was his only friend (because otherwise I don't see why they'd hang out together all the time and be best friends), and then he gets his life fucked up and his only friend leaves him in a government lab for a year with no sign of coming back any time soon. The government was giving him the hope that Reed tried to give him, but the government wasn't going to leave. They were going to embrace him. Sure it was as a weapon of war, but he was at least being admired and wanted. I think in the context of the movie it made sense but in the context of the character it doesn't, because The Thing isn't supposed to be like that.

[Clappy]

- Ioan Gruffud is 41 now and the first Fantastic Four movie came out in 2005, so when it came out he would've been 31 - which is a year younger than Kate Mara. It's just weird because Chris Evans and Jessica Alba were so much younger and Michael Chiklis was so much older. He would've been probably 29 or 30 while he was filming it, too. Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, and Jamie Bell are all late-twenties.

- Fair enough.

 

- They said it was Sue that was good at patterns. She's good at pattern recognition because she likes music and music is a series of patterns (which she actually tells Reed). I was mostly fine with that. Reed talks about Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea during the scene too and it's when he mentions Captain Nemo and that's what helps Sue find Reed later when she's looking in the code.

 

- I think this version of Ben was just a lot darker than we're used to which was weird. He had such a crappy childhood and it seemed to be implied that Reed was his only friend (because otherwise I don't see why they'd hang out together all the time and be best friends), and then he gets his life fucked up and his only friend leaves him in a government lab for a year with no sign of coming back any time soon. The government was giving him the hope that Reed tried to give him, but the government wasn't going to leave. They were going to embrace him. Sure it was as a weapon of war, but he was at least being admired and wanted. I think in the context of the movie it made sense but in the context of the character it doesn't, because The Thing isn't supposed to be like that.

-Wait he was born in 1973 after double checking. So wouldn't that have made him 30 when filming? Eh either way I thought IMDB said he was born in 1970. Either way I reprimanded my age error so you win.

Also all three are now. Wouldn't that have made them mid 20s when filming? Eh who cares...xD

-I forgot the whole she likes music element and you are right since I know that it's a bunch of patterns. I remember the 20,000 Leagues discussion which made me assume that Reed was the one who was skilled with patterns because of that with Sue just remembering that discussion to track Reed.

-Exactly. The Thing isn't suppose to be like that. That's what bugged me that he would turn darker becoming a stone cold killer. I just did not like that dark character change and couldn't accept it. Even if it makes sense in theory to want to be wanted, it doesn't work in context of the original character. Hated this version of Ben for more than just that.

[Clappy]

So you guys like me reviewing newer movies, eh?  Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to do it again.  Will I ever get around to reviewing Movie 43?  ....at this rate I don't even know.  But hey, let's figure out what movie was so bad that I immediately thought that I should give the proper Crap Cinema treatment?

 

PAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, but really?  How many fucking Peter Pan adaptations is it going to take for movie studios to realize that these live action adaptations aren't profitable?

Ok let me rephrase that.  How many big budgeted blockbuster reimaginings?  I mean my god, the 2003 one cost over 100 million to make and wasn't even close to profitability.  The fact that this new one cost over 150 million to make is fucking ridiculous.  Joe Wright outright robbed Warner Brothers to make a movie this outright shitty.  Which is a shame because Joe Wright is actually a good director.  He's made some really good British adaptations of literature like Atonement and Pride and Prejudice and a criminally underrated action movie in Hanna.  I can see why Warner Brothers wanted Joe Wright to do this adaptation, he hasn't done them wrong previously.  But honestly, and I hate to say it, but Joe Wright will have a tough time writing off the stink of this flop from his resume like Josh Trank before him.

Also, just like Joe Wright, I wouldn't feel complete without mentioning development and production hell that this movie went through.  More importantly, casting Rooney Mara as Indian Tiger Lily.  Wow the backlash for that was too brutal for the movie to overcome.  Honestly, and maybe it's because of the other really bad movie I watched over the weekend, but at least Pan didn't entirely white wash like Aloha did to Hawaii.  Yeah Rooney Mara is talented, but you could have given her another role.  Hell, I can think of a few other female roles in this movie that would be more fitting for someone of her talent than Tiger Lily.  But I digress.  Controversial casting choices is nothing new.

Just like my last review, if you have any plans to actually go out and see Pan, spoilers ahead.  You've been warned.

Clappy: The movie starts with...needless exposition.  Yay!

Peter (played by newcomer Levi Miller) is a young boy who is left on the steps of an orphanage by his mother Mary (Amanda Seyfried).

Clappy: ...is it just me or has Amanda Seyfried stop trying recently?  I don't know, she is talented, but man it feels like the last few years she has phoned in way too many performances to even count lately.  At least her role here is short enough to the point that anyone can care.

The orphanage is under the care of the cruel Mother Barnabas in London. Upon learning that she is hoarding food for herself, Peter and his best friend Nibs steal it to distribute amongst themselves and the other orphans. In the process, Peter finds a letter written by his mother, declaring her love and assuring Peter they'll meet again "in this world or the other".

Clappy: I know this is written to bring across the point to give Peter the chosen one narrative, but man...that cliche has become horrendously forced.  Not saying that not all chosen one narratives are becoming bad or anything, but lately it's just become inelegant exposition checkpoints and not many chances are taken to make it really stand out.

In retaliation for the boys' mischief, Mother Barnabas summons pirates who kidnap Nibs and several others.

Clappy: 

Jesus Christ movie.  Force us right into the plot why don't ya?  Why the hell is the orphanage making deals with the pirates?  Care to elaborate on that?  Because automatically making Mother Barnabas the catalyst to bringing the pirates into the picture is just ridiculously stupid.

Peter manages to rescue Nibs, but is captured himself and taken to Neverland, a magical realms beyond space and time, where he is forced to become a slave laborer and mine for fairy dust called pixium.

Clappy: ....pixium?  PIXIUM!?!?!  Where have I heard this before?

Meanwhile, Joshua Joyce, the head of KSI, shows Darcy that he has perfected Transformium...HAHAHAHHAHAH GET IT.  TRANSFORMIUM....TRANSFORMERS....KILL ME... the codeable, molecularly unstable metal that the Transformers are made of.

....where else have I heard this before?

UNOBTAINIUM from freaking Avatar.  Hey movie studios.  Try harder to not recycle cliched shit.  And also the movie's fascination with pixium is just borderline creepy.  Like none of them shut the fuck up about it without mentioning immortality.

Also I'm not going to lie here, the most what the fuck scene this movie summary doesn't cover is that the pirates sing Smells Like Teen Spirit and Blitzkrieg Bop...you know this would be unintentionally hilarious if it wasn't for the fact that this makes no damn sense.  Not just because the music comes out a century later, but it comes literally out of nowhere that it's not funny.  I expect this from a Baz Luhrmann movie, but not from an origin story for Peter Pan.

on behalf of the ruthless pirate Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman), during which Peter befriends another miner, James Hook (Garrett Hedlund). After insulting Blackbeard's men, Peter is forced to walk the plank, but survives by flying above the water. Blackbeard then confides with him about an old prophecy that a boy who could fly would one day kill him, but Peter refuses to believe he is the said boy.

Clappy: Ok now time to dig into the acting in this.  It's god awful.  And you can look no further at atrocious acting than Hugh Jackman and Garrett Hedlund.  Both put on some of the worst acting performances I've seen this year.  Hands down.  They are unbearable every time they are on screen and even worse when they are together.  It's like Joe Wright told Hugh Jackman to try his best to be Captain Jack Sparrow mixed in with Darth Vader.  Dead serious.  Also it doesn't help when Hugh Jackman looks THIS fucking ridiculous.

But you know...despite how atrocious Hugh Jackman is...Garret Hedlund's Hook is THAT much worse. At least Blackbeard is suppose to be annoyingly over the top.  Hook is just annoying as fuck.  Picture Nicholas Cage except any sense of comedic value one might be able to get from a Nicholas Cage performance.  That's how bad Garrett Hedlund is here.  Like his performance here just makes me wish Garrett Hedlund quit acting all together.  He was always wooden as fuck and just a bore in the past like in Tron Legacy, but if this is him trying to act.  He needs to stop.  Right now.  

Peter joins Hook and his accomplice, Smee (Adeel Ahktar), in stealing one of Blackbeard's flying boats and escaping into the forest, where they are found and nearly executed by the natives led by Chief Great Little Panther, before his daughter, Tiger Lily (Rooney Mara), notices Peter's pan flute pendant, left to him by Mary, and said to belong to their people's greatest hero, the legendary Pan.

Clappy: So this is the aforementioned controversy by making a few Indian characters white.  Honestly....I would be more offended if the acting was any good because no one honestly seems to want to even try here.

Tiger Lily reveals that Peter's father was the Fairy Prince, and that Mary incurred Blackbeard's wrath by rejecting his advances, for which was forced to abandon Peter and seek shelter in the Fairy Kingdom. As part of his heritage, Peter has the ability to fly, but unable to do so because of his lack of faith.

Clappy: 

Honestly people should be more outraged over how fucking stupid this ancient fairy tribe is being portrayed over which actors are playing whom because Jesus Christ who wrote this crap?  You know I would much prefer if they actually took the time and effort to establish this tribe is rather than the unbelievable stupidity of making us believe that Peter Pan is half fairy, half pirate ancestor based off what they described about his parents.  You guys remember how I referenced Avatar earlier?  Honestly, they must have borrowed the writing staff for that movie because they did such a horrible job establishing the Na'vi tribe there.  It's one thing to try and bring about an origin story for Peter Pan, but if you are going to make up a whole other universe for the origin of the character, you need to do a better job establishing that first because this is ridiculously contrived for me to take any of this seriously.

Fearful of Blackbeard's punishment, Smee betrays the natives' location to him, and in the ensuing battle, Chief Great Little Panther is murdered by Blackbeard, who also reveals he killed Peter's mother.

Clappy: Yeah Smee honestly has no real reason to betray the natives, try hard movie, but more importantly....you turned down my sexual advances so now I must kill you....DID ANYBODY READ THIS SHIT BEFORE FILMING!?

Peter, Hook, and Tiger Lily escape in a raft and head to the Fairy Kingdom to enlist their help in defeating the pirates. Along the way, Peter falls into the river and is nearly eaten by a crocodile before being rescued by the mermaids (all portrayed by Cara Delvingne...I wish I could stare at this scene more...uhhh where were we....oh yeah), after which he has a vision of Blackbeard killing Mary as she defended the Fairy Kingdom from his offensive.

Clappy: Shouldn't Hook be the one that almost gets eaten by the crocodile?  Christ, they can't even get the source material they are writing an origin story for right.

Despondent over their chances, Hook leaves, while Peter and Tiger Lily arrive at the Fairy Kingdom only to be ambushed by Blackbeard, who uses the pan flute pendant to open their gates and launches an attack.

Clappy: Maybe I'm missing something here, but how in the hell did Blackbeard get the pan flute pendant?  Peter never lost it in the battle sequence unless I'm gravely mistaken.

Peter escapes and befriends one of the fairies, Tinker Bell.

Clappy: Pssh...Tinker Bell.  We can establish this character in the sequel that is bound to never happen.

Together, they rally the faries to battle the pirates, and are joined by a returning Hook, who fights Blackbeard's right-hand man Bishop aboard the stolen ship, which tips over, sending both falling to their deaths.

Clappy: ...who are you kidding movie, Hook is not dead as much as I wish he was.

Peter conquers his fears and flies to save Hook, while Blackbeard and his men are overpowered by the faries. Forced into an abyss, they subsequently fall to their deaths; Smee is the sole survivor having fled during the battle. Peter then has a vision of Mary, who reaffirms him to Neverland's great hero, Peter Pan.

Clappy: So Peter Pan is being reaffirmed as...himself...thanks pointless vision.

Shortly afterwards, Peter and Hook, now the captain of the Jolly Roger, return to London to rescue Nibbs and the other orphans, who become part of Peter's crew, the Lost Boys. Peter and Hook then reaffirm their friendship, certain that nothing will ever go wrong between them.

Clappy: Hur hur hur, what could possibly go wrong?  Bite me movie.  Just fucking bite me.

Yeah this movie was really bad.  It's not offensively bad like some of the other movies I've reviewed in this thread.  It's just....what the fuck am I watching?  This is not Peter Pan, nor any of these characters are believable in this Peter Pan universe.  It's like they were trying to set up for a Pan 2 where we eventually got Hook's deceit and learn more about The Lost Boys and especially Tinker Bell.  But for a Peter Pan origin story, this just had no real identity.  It's like the film makers wanted a hybrid of Avatar, Moulin Rouge, and nearly every Disney live action adaptation of the past five years, but what we got just ended up being a massive clusterfuck.  While this was not the worst movie I've seen this year, Pan was a massive incompetent mess.

[BoJack Horseman]

Yes, Clappy, I like when you review newer movies.

 

I can't believe the movie ended up so badly. The trailers were actually nice. Oh well, I've already picked what movie I'm going to watch this weekend, If it's possible: Crimson Peak

 

Edited October 12, 2015 by The Babadook

[Katniss]

I saw Todd and Lindsay tweeting about Pan and that pixium whatever-it-is and yeesh it seemed like a baaad movie. It looks like a weird mess of a film.

[The Crow]

I was expecting Aloha  pffft Pan, more like "Panned"amirite?

[Clappy]

I was expecting Aloha  pffft Pan, more like "Panned"amirite?

Nah as much as I loathed Aloha, my review would honestly just be:

"I'm bored."

or

"This is fucking stupid."

Over and over again.

 

[70s]

I hated the trailer for this movie and pretty much everything I ever heard about it. I hate to root for movies to fail because it seems petty but... yeah, sounds about right.

[Shark Tale]

Found this on Twitter:

[SG19]

I've never even heard of this movie until now. Guess that's a sign.

[Clappy]

It's been a fun ride you guys but once again this thread is being locked...what do you mean that April Fool's Joke has been beaten to death?  Wumbo has already done this on the forums today?  Man good thing nobody actually reads the scratched out sentences because they already know that's a running joke that has been beaten to death.  Uuhhh well this is awkward, get to the point already.

Batman v Superman review coming in the next few days.  But wait, because I'm tackling it in a bad movie review thread, does that mean I think it's terrible?  Tune in and find out.  The answer may surprise you all.  So you have been warned.  Spoilers coming soon.

[Clappy]

I know what you’re thinking.  Clappy where are your top 10 spin-off and literature lists?  Clappy why don’t you keep complaining about how awful 2016 pop music is?  Clappy what ever happened to your box office forecasts?  Clappy are we ever going to revisit the hit movies of 2003?  All of these have been long overdue.  I’m well aware.  I’ve had a load on my plate lately when it comes to juggling not just all this overtime at work, having my first girlfriend in many years, and getting consistently distracted for nearly the past two weeks by Pokemon Go.  So now that I have vacation time away from all that for the next week and a half, I’m going to do my best to play catch up with as much as possible.  So where do I get caught up with first?  Hmm….didn’t I promise a review of a certain mega blockbuster from 2016?

Oh yeah, I bet you guys are DYING to hear my thoughts on this frustrating super letdown….it was subpar?  I’ll be honest with you guys, I tried.  I tried my damndest to give you guys a Batman v Superman review that you all rightfully deserved, but…I didn’t completely hate this.  I don’t like it, but at the very least I understood what they were trying to go for.  It would have been interesting to see what Zack Snyder’s actual vision was for this without all of the heavily obvious studio meddling, but it had plenty of things that I legitimately like.  But lord knows I hated so much of this too.  My initial review I was planning on writing was a honest to god mess.  I didn’t feel comfortable sharing my mixed thoughts on this, despite already posting a mini review in the thread for this film.

And it’s not just Batman v Superman.  Most of the movies I’ve seen this year haven’t been truly terrible.  Any “bad movies” I’ve seen were at the very least redeemable, but were still disappointing.  Take a look at the summer blockbusters this year.  I wasn’t a fan of Apocalypse since it fell back into the same hole that the X-Men universe was suffering from nearly a decade ago, but it still had its moments that salvaged me from loathing it.  TMNT: Out of the Shadows was a stupid mess, but at least it had plenty of instances of pure fun that the reboot sorely missed.  Alice 2 had no real reason to even be made, but I thought the effort was there and they at least tried to make it a movie.  This has been one of the more redeemable film years in recent memory.  I mean I can’t think of a single bad movie I’ve seen this year that has gotten me frustrated to the point that I really need to write a new installment of Crap….

……………………………...............................

WOW WAY TO MAKE ME EAT MY OWN WORDS LIONSGATE.  JUST WOW.

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?  THIS IS…UN-BEARABLE.  I’ve sat through some insulting animated movies in my many years of watching them, but never have I sat through one that’s a bigger insult towards my intelligence levels.  I think I lost IQ points just sitting here watching this.  This one…guys this one hurt BADLY.  This is for sure making my worst of 2016 list.  Probably very high up there, it might even be #1.  So allow me to share my torture with you all.

Before I start, a little bit of a history lesson so I don’t have you all pointing out that I’m missing a few key things.  I’m well aware this was originally supposed to be straight to DVD, but at the last minute, Lionsgate decided to give this a theatrical release.  At this point, I’d like to point out the commonly asked simple question.  Why?  Well I know why.  It’s quite simple if you actually look at Lionsgate’s film library.  Now that The Hunger Games franchise is over, what else does Lionsgate have?  The Divergent series has plummeted to becoming a financial failure.  They don’t have any more horror franchises to beat to death.  I know we like to make fun of and point out that Hollywood is out of original ideas, but it’s quite obvious that Lionsgate, one of the biggest film studios right now, is badly in need of more profitable films.  And what are one of the biggest proven winners when it comes to profitability?  Animated movies!  And what do kids love?  Talking animals!  Talking animals doing silly shenanigans!  Millions and millions of dollars shall be made….RIGHT!?  You know, I’m going to switch up my review style for this one episode.  I'm going to go VERY in depth about every scene.  Because this movie.  It’s the worst animated movie I’ve ever sat through, and I’ve watched Foodfight.  Keep that in mind.

 

The movie starts out not only with god awful, horribly rendered animation, but with the line “Don’t listen to the haters”.

Clappy: And with that you can already tell how pandering this movie is to try and appeal to our current demographic.  Why not have Norm say “Tell the haters to shake it off”…oh wait, we already have Norm twerking to this song already in the movie…spoiler alert, but not really if you saw the commercials.  It’s one of the MANY overplayed pop songs this movie has Norm and friends dance to because…why not?  It shamelessly rips off Happy Feet a lot in this movie, but I’ll give the movie credit though, it doesn’t compose its own original song material.  God knows I want to hear Rob Schneider sing.  The guy can barely act.  Go on movie.  Continue to wow me.

Norm does not know how to hunt.

Clappy: Ok stop again.  How the hell does Norm not know how to hunt?  Polar bears are carnivores.  Polar bears eat and hunt to survive.  Norm doesn’t like to eat other living beings and we never know what Norm actually does do for food, so Norm shouldn’t even be a living being.  But this one logic defying error in a movie chalk full of them.  But alas, go on.

As Norm spots a seal, he chases it across the Arctic.  He runs into his girlfriend Elizabeth before finally capturing the seal.  But Norm doesn’t eat the seal in front of a bunch of angry tourists due to the seal giving Norm the puppy dog eyes.

Clappy: I added the brief sentence about Elizabeth because I want to point out how absolutely nonessential her character is to this movie, yet she gets one of the top billing spots.  She might as well not have served a single purpose in this movie period because she’s such a clichéd character that only serves as an essential kids film cliché that the main character has to get the girl at the end.  And before I really dive into how FUCKING STUPID it is to have tourism at the Arctic, you wasted at least five to ten minutes chasing this seal because…why?  If you were never going to kill him, then what was the fucking point?  To just show us how incompetent you actually are?  That’s just baffling to me.

Norm then tells the seal that he has the ability to speak human….

Clappy: NOT ENGLISH.  NOT SPANISH.  THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE OF HUMAN.  Wow movie, just wow.  You really don’t give a shit do you?  But wait, it gets better/worse depending on how you decide to view this.  Norm actually tells the seal the origin of how he speaks human and it involves a flashback to his childhood, where he learns how to speak human in front of a little girl whose parents stupidly allowed to run in front of a pack of bear cubs (that seemingly looked vicious).  Wow, either way you look at it, that’s just unnecessarily dark movie.  But even more important, fuck you, I can talk to humans just cause I can.  I don’t need an interesting backstory.  I just can.  How fucking lazy.

Norm goes to see his grandfather to learn about his kingdom he will inherit in the Arctic and that his grandfather has the same ability to speak human.

Clappy: Disney, please sue.

Norm is depressed because he’s self-conscious about the way he is viewed not only by his fellow polar bears, but his family as well.

Clappy: You know this is the only moment of the movie I can even attempt to show any sort of empathy for our main character.  This could have been heartwarming.  This could have lead to some sort of character arch where we could watch Norm grow in front of our very eyes…but instead it leads to this:

What.  JUST WHAT.  This serves ZERO purpose in the entire movie and it also leads to Norm twerking some more so forget all that growth that could have happened for our main character.  It just leads to more pure rage and frustration that NOTHING IS HAPPENING.  How far are we into this piece of shit?

*looks on DVD player*

FIFTEEN MINUTES!?  DAMN YOU MOVIE, JUST DAMN YOU.

So we get back to that whatever the fuckery to see Norm being counseled of some sort about why he twerks to tourists.  His psychiatrist?  A sea gull named Socrates (voiced by Bill Nighy…what are you doing with your career).  They walk around and suddenly find a tourist home set up in the arctic.  So they go straight to the King (who I think is Norm’s father?  I don’t know and I don’t care) to inform him of this, but for some unexplained reason, nobody believes him.

Clappy: Ok slight unintentional laugh about being counseled over twerking, just goes to show how fucked up this movie really is.  But for real, who might I ask, would ever want a vacation home in the arctic.  That makes zero logical sense since the place might as well be inhospitable.  But more importantly, nobody believes Norm why?  He has an eye witness with him in Socrates that saw this same vacation home.  Yet Socrates doesn’t even bother to show up and stick up for Norm, what a dick.  But this movie just does a poor job elaborating why Norm’s word should not be trusted.  Because he can speak human?  The king speaks human yet he’s worshipped on the ground he walks on.  Clarity is all I ask for movie.  Give us a reason to understand why speaking human means nobody listens our values your truth.

Socrates reappears and he and Norm spot a commercial being filmed by a tourist named Vera (Heather Graham, who use to be a respectable actress) about making vacation homes in the arctic.  The movie also cuts away to Vera’s daughter, Olympia, who is honestly such a worthless character that contributes absolutely nothing to the plot, yet is one of the main characters because it’s a kids movie).  Socrates tells Norm that to stop the commercial, he’ll need reinforcements.  Enter the Minions….oh whoops, I’m sorry, I mean the Lemmings.

Clappy: Seriously Lionsgate, if you want to be Universal that badly, it couldn’t be ever more apparent.  But instead of trying to come up with clever humor, the writers go for the lowest brow humor every time.  Burps, farts, poop jokes, urination…after you are done watching this movie, you’ll grow to appreciate the Minions if you thought they were the worst thing on the planet like so much of the internet claims them to be.  I would say these Lemmings are the worst part of the movie, but no, it gets even worse than these characters.

Norm and the Lemmings decide to destroy the set to scare away tourists.  As Norm relaxes in his hot tub made out of water and lemming farts (fuck off movie), the ice starts to collapse around Vera and crew so Norm chases Vera down to get her away from the breaking ice, which Vera decides to film as a commercial opportunity for her boss Mr. Greene (Ken Jeong…what are you doing to your career too?).

Clappy: Is that really a good way to sell vacation homes?  You are running from your certain death not only by polar bear, but cracking ice, and ice falling from the mountains as well as snow.  Come to the Arctic, where death is all but inevitable!

But Mr. Greene sees Vera’s video and after the director apparently quiting, he needs a new selling point.  For some god awful reason, he thinks Norm equals money and tourism spiking up.  So Mr. Greene wants Vera to find an actor that looks like that bear.

Clappy: WHAT!?

Socrates tells Norm that he’s got to use the Arctic to save the Arctic.

Clappy: HUH!?

So Norm hops into the portable house (with the Lemmings) to be transported back to New York.

Clappy: STOP STOP STOP!!   HOW IN THE HELL IS ANY OF THIS A GOOD IDEA!?!?!  NORM IS GOING TO NEW YORK TO BE AN ACTOR FOR MR. GREENE’S COMMERCIAL!?!  DID THE SCRIPTWRITERS EVEN READ THROUGH THE MAIN FOCAL POINT OF WHAT IS PUTTING THIS PLOT INTO MOTION!?!?!?!  IF NORM DOESN’T GO TO NEW YORK, THEN MR. GREENE CAN’T MAKE HIS COMMERCIAL.  HENCEFORTH, THE ARCTIC WON’T BE FLOODED WITH TOURISTS.  THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID.  I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW LITTLE THOUGHT WAS ACTUALLY PUT ONTO PAPER HERE.  OH MY GOD MOVIE, YOU CONTINUE TO PISS ME OFF.

Norm wakes up and finds himself in New York to much shock.

Clappy: WHY ARE YOU SHOCKED?  YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING YOURSELF INTO IDIOT.

Norm freaks out at first as he tries to escape two henchmen who are trying to hunt him down, but he notices a guy in a polar bear suit and follows him.  The henchmen, being as stupid as dirt, think the guy in the polar bear suit is Norm and chases him down instead.

Clappy: I know this is a kid’s movie, but how dumb do you think your audience is movie?  The guy in the polar bear suit couldn’t look any less convincing if he tried.

Norm and the actor hit it off.

Clappy: Because EVERY.  SINGLE.  FUCKING.  PERSON.  IN THIS.  MOVIE.  THINKS HE IS NOT A POLAR BEAR.

The actor directs Norm to Mr. Greene’s office so Norm and his Lemmings go into the office.  He waits in the waiting room with all the other actors.

Clappy: Oh and while he’s waiting, the Lemmings pee in a fish tank for a combined total of at least two minutes.  They cut back to this joke three separate occasions and the Lemmings keep peeing…and they let the movie drag when this occurs.  This movie has A LOT of jokes like this.  Honestly, a good fifth of this movie’s “humor” is full of these vulgar immature jokes that just infuriate the living piss out of you.

Vera come into the office and tells Norm to come into Mr. Greene’s office.

Clappy: And because this movie is as dumb as rocks, Vera doesn’t recognize the bear that was chasing her down in the Arctic.  Then she calls him Norm of the North.  HOW?  NOT ONCE IN THIS MOVIE DID HE EVEN GIVE HER HIS NAME.  HOW DOES SHE KNOW IT?  Unless the writers took that one off Family Guy joke about movies having to reference the title of the movie too literally.  No…even then that would be giving these lazy nitwit movie writers way too much credit.

So Norm finally meets Mr. Greene, who is a germaphobe because what else would you make the evil environmentalist villain in this movie about saving the environment?  And then they break into another pop song dance number…at least there is no twerking in this one.  But then, just so the audience doesn’t forget that dancing to a pop song makes bad guys good, we see that Mr. Greene kidnapped Norm’s grandfather.

Clappy: ……………………………………………

Norm and Vera then go out for sushi

Clappy: I don’t care about having these characters doing something random because the plot tells it too…I’M STILL DUMBFOUNDED NORM’S GRANDFATHER WAS KIDNAPPED.  WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY HOW MOVIE.  WHAT DOES NORM’S GRANDFATHER HAVE TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS?  WHEN DID NORM’S GRANDFATHER DECIDE TO GO TO NEW YORK CITY?  WHERE WAS THE BUILD TOWARDS THIS?  WHY DID MR. GREENE DO THIS?  HOW DID HE GO THROUGH WITH THIS?  JUST BECAUSE HE’S THE VILLAIN DOESN’T MEAN HE HAS TO DO EVERY SINGLE THING IMAGINABLE.  ELABORATE.  PLEASE.

Norm and Vera then go out for sushi and discuss the pro environmental message that should be more hammered in if it wasn’t for the fact that this movie can’t keep focus on one scene at a time without having something stupid occur…and right on cue.  Mr. Greene comes in with a tranquilizer gun to shoot Norm, but misses his shot and shoots himself in the ass.

Clappy: ….are the police on vacation in this movie?  Not trying to dive into recent events where this year, in particular, sees a lot more calling for stricter gun control laws.  Let’s focus on how mind numbingly stupid Mr. Greene is here.  WHERE DID THIS MUST KILL NORM MINDSET COME FROM?  HE STILL BELIEVES HE’S AN ACTOR.  HE DOESN’T THINK HE’S A REAL POLAR BEAR….well at least yet anyway.  Was this scene edited into the wrong spot or something?  I…I just don’t get the plot structure of this movie.  My god is it messy.

Yet despite trying to be gunned down, Norm is still there when Mr. Greene wakes up along with Vera.  Vera tells Mr. Greene that his bizarre act of batshit insanity is actually driving the approval ratings up for having vacation homes in the Arctic.

Clappy: ….SDJLFKSJAFLK DJFLDSKFDFLASDKF HHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW

Mr. Greene slips out that he has another polar bear in his office, which makes Norm suspicious that it’s his grandfather is being held captive….I’m not going to even bother with this.  Norm then makes a deal with Mr. Greene that he’ll be in his commercial just as long as he can stay in the vacation home model, which is chalk full of security cameras to keep eyes on Norm and his Lemmings at all times. 

Clappy: Ok…but hey it’s not like Norm is going to blow his cover or anything and…OH FUCK YOU MOVIE JUST FUCK YOU.  Norm asks the Actor from earlier to stay in the vacation home for him and the Actor stays in there without his mask on.  Seriously movie, go fuck yourself.  Just go fuck yourself.  You are purposely blowing your own cover with just batshit stupidity.  Is everyone in this movie stupid on purpose or just stupid for the sake of being stupid?  STUPID STUPID STUPID!  This movie is just torture.  Pure torture.

So after agreeing to let the actor stay at his place, Norm and the Lemmings break into Mr. Greene’s building to locate Norm’s grandfather.  I still don’t get how the hell Norm automatically knows it’s his grandfather, but with the amount of other fucking stupid errors in this movie, this one doesn’t cause as much head pounding.  But this whole scene is the least stealthy scene imaginable when it comes to breaking into the villain’s lair.  Like they make so much commotion, get spotted on so many cameras, knock over so many items loudly.  Yet NO ONE DOES ANYTHING.  NOW YOU’RE DELIBERATELY TRYING TO GET UNDER MY SKIN MOVIE.  The Lemmings do find Norm’s grandfather though so I guess the scene serves some purporse…despite how INEXPLICABLE IT WAS THEY DIDN’T GET SPOTTED.

But hey it’s time for Norm to be filmed for the whole world to see and guess who we run into again?  Olympia!  Remember her?  Vera’s daughter that we can all relate too.  Norm gets to spend some actual time with Olympia, who admits that she wishes her mother didn’t work so much, wishes she would get fired, and spent more time with her.

Clappy: All in favor of this cliché?  Nobody?  It’s 2016.  Can we please ditch this overused storyline?  I actually was considering complimenting this movie for actually making Vera a strong female character who supports a single income family, in New York City which is expensive as fuck, and while she is bland as dirt, seems to be a hard worker.  But with this one complaint from Olympia…I can already tell you where this movie will be going by the end of it for this cliché.  I think they single handedly added Olympia to prevent me from even remotely liking Vera.

So Norm goes on the talk show to be interviewed and we get a clip show of earlier scenes from the movie.  Because you know, we have the attention span of a peanut and want to be reminded of such fantastic scenes like Mr. Greene bringing an open gun into a public place, the Lemmings peeing, and Norm twerking….oh god I spoke too soon.  Norm then breaks out into song and dance with everyone from New York City to another pop song.  And by this movie’s logic, of course Norm twerking launched the approval rating up to 90%.

Clappy: I swear half of this movie’s budget had to have gone to soundtrack royalties for Taylor Swift, Walk The Moon, Silento, and every other artist you can think of that had a hit song in the past two or three years.

But wait a minute, Mr. Greene is in cahoots with a crooked government official.  How uninspiring.  So apparently to get the full support of making homes in the Arctic, the government official states Norm has to say it himself that he supports having homes in the Arctic.  Isn’t that what he’s doing right now you fucking morons?  Guess what we haven’t had in three whole minutes?  ANOTHER POP SONG DAMMIT!  After that pointless dreck, Norm is about to say he doesn’t support having Greene Homes in the Arctic, but UH OH, Mr. Greene used previous audio clippings to make it sound like Norm says he supports it instead of being against it.

Clappy: OH NO!  You know what would have stopped this from happening?  If you STAYED IN THE FUCKING ARCTIC AND DIDN’T GO TO FUCKING NEW YORK CITY YOU FUCKING MORON!  WHAT DID YOU EXPECT TO HAPPEN!?!?!?!?!?!

Somehow…this movie….gets even…dumber.  After Mr. Greene gets the 100% approval rating that he needs to legally build homes in the Arctic, he decides to build them illegally.

Clappy: …..ASDLFKDJFLKDJSFLADSFDLFDASF

*head explodes*

HOW IS HE GOING TO MAKE THEM ILLEGALLY?  HE DOESN’T EVEN EXPLAIN WHAT ILLEGAL MEASURES HE’S GOING TO GO THROUGH TO GET THEM BUILT.  ELABORATION.  THIS MOVIE HAS NONE.  IT DOESN’T EXPLAIN HOW NORM HAS THE ABILITIES TO TALK TO HUMANS.  IT DOESN’T MAKE LOGICAL SENSE AS TO HOW NORM GOING TO NEW YORK WILL STOP THE VILLAIN.  IT DOESN’T EXPLAIN WHY MR. GREENE TAKES NORM’S GRANDFATHER.  IT DOESN’T DESCRIBE WHAT MR. GREENE IS GOING TO DO ILLEGALLY.

YOU HAVE VERY LOW STANDARDS FOR YOUR AUDIENCE’S INTELLIGENCE LEVELS MOVIE.  FIVE YEAR OLDS AREN’T THIS STUPID.

Vera decides to invite Norm over for dinner where slapstick occurs.  Olympia encourages Norm at dinner to not give up on his hopes and dreams.

Clappy: Is Olympia even a part of the same movie?

Norm convinces the investors to pull out of Mr. Greene’s plan to build homes in the Arctic, but Mr. Greene decides to follow through with this anyway.

Clappy: SEE MOVIE?  NOW WOULD HAVE BEEN THE TIME FOR MR. GREENE TO DO HIS ILLEGAL PLAN.

So from out of nowhere, Norm comes into a fork in the road where he must either save the Arctic or save his Grandfather.  Even after his Grandfather tells Norm to save the Arctic, he saves him instead.

Clappy: Norm's grandfather served literally zero purpose in this movie.  You could have replaced him with his girlfriend, or his brother, or the King.  All of which serve zero purpose too and it would have still made Norm out to be selfish because the whole reason he is in NYC in the first place is to “save the Arctic”.

Norm and his Grandfather end up trying to escape the city but a helicopter shoots them down with tranquilizer darts.  They end up on a helicopter above a boat on its way to the Arctic.  Mr. Greene tells his henchmen to shoot the bears when they wake up. 

Clappy: Don’t you want the bears away from the boat?  WHY WOULD YOU PUT THE HELICOPTER ABOVE THE BOAT?  ALSO WHY DID YOU WAIT UNTIL THEY WOKE UP?  WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST SHOOT THEM WITH AN ACTUAL GUN INSTEAD OF A TRANQ GUN.

The movie decides to cruelly spare Norm’s life by having the Lemmings minion themselves into tipping the boat over with everyone falling to their death in the ocean.

Clappy: What a happy redeemable ending to this garbage….oh how I wish.

Norm and his Grandfather survive the boat tipping over and hijack the second boat with the Arctic homes on it so they can tip that boat over too.

Clappy: Forget the fact that they are killing so many lives by tipping all these boats over.  What violent means to spread your environmentally friendly message.

But since they are out on the vicious Atlantic Ocean, of course a giant tidal wave comes to knock over the boat where Norm sacrifices himself to save his Grandfather’s life again as well as the Lemmings.  As Norm sinks to the bottom of the ocean with Greene homes, a giant tower comes out of nowhere in the middle of the ocean to fall over and pin Norm to the bottom of the ocean.

Clappy: Well since clearly that first fake out ending didn’t kill Norm, this one won’t either.  How many times is this movie going to end?

Back in New York, so we can build up to the awfully predictable ending of Norm not dying, we see that Vera has quit her job to spend more time with Olympia.

Clappy:  I wish you the best of luck on your future endeavors into poverty.

The crowd turns on Mr. Greene.

Clappy: I wish you the best of luck on your future endeavors into becoming an actually compelling villain.

And Norm wakes up back in the Arctic surrounded by everyone that he loves.

Clappy: And I wish you the best luck on your future endeavors into becoming a Razzie award winner for Worst Movie of 2016.

 

Guys, do I even need to post my rating for this movie?  It’s fucking horrible.  Not only is this a near lock to be my Worst Movie of 2016, this is the worst movie I’ve seen from the 2010’s and the second worst movie I’ve ever reviewed on this thread.  It’s amazing how awful this movie is.  Hands down, Norm of the North is the worst animated feature to ever be released in theaters; the writing is an abysmal unfinished product, the environmental message is obnoxious, the story is predictably unpleasant, the animation is disgusting, the humor is at its worst and the characters either have no brain or no purpose!  I know for a fact, that I don’t even have to say to you to not watch it, because anybody had some of form of intelligent would even tolerate ten minutes of this embarrassment.  You’re seriously going to lose IQ points just by watching this movie.  If there’s anybody that would even attempt to defend this with the “It’s just for kids” excuse may I ask, who the fridge are you talking about? Kids of IQ 5 and under? Any child will look at this and say that “This is stupid!”   So please.  Nobody ever speak to me of this movie ever again.  I would like to forget about it from my memory banks until the end of the year rolls around and I’m subjected to remember the awful scars I picked up while sitting through this pile of garbage once more.

[BoJack Horseman]

Mfw you expected a Batman v Superman review when u saw Clappy posting it's trailer  but no need to talk about same stuff that people covered up so many times

Damn, u have guts to watch a movie like this. It really sounds so dumb. Nice review.

[Amphibia]

holy crap, Norm of the North sounds like dumb movie to watch. Anyways, nice review, Claps

[The Simpsons]

I think it's safe to assume that this movie came to fruition when some people from Lionsgate read the scripts of movies like Ice Age, Despicable Me, and Happy Feet and wanted to create a similar movie with traits that those movies had. Takes place in the Arctic, features talking animals that dance, along with the main character's "minions" who try to serve as the comic relief of the movie. It was a story about how some workers wanted to take over the Arctic and expand the United States, but Norm, the protagonist of the movie, got political and fought against the takeover. It turned out to be a pretty simple plot at first. Then, some crackhead stopped by the studio and offered the writers some crack and then, they rewrote it and made it this bullshit story that doesn't even make sense at all. Then, one of the workers' two immature nephews came in and sabotaged the script by adding in fart jokes and juvenile humor into the lemmings' dialogue. They also thought it would please the younger audience if they added in hip songs like "Shake It Off" and "Watch Me" into the movie for Norm to dance to. They just said fuck it, got a very talented cast (and Rob Schneider) to do voices in the film, put it to animation, and voila. There's the finishing project.

 

At least, that's how I wish the process went.

[BoJack Horseman]

8 minutes ago, Fred Rechid said:

I think it's safe to assume that this movie came to fruition when some people from Lionsgate read the scripts of movies like Ice Age, Despicable Me, and Happy Feet and wanted to create a similar movie with traits that those movies had. Takes place in the Arctic, features talking animals that dance, along with the main character's "minions" who try to serve as the comic relief of the movie. It was a story about how some workers wanted to take over the Arctic and expand the United States, but Norm, the protagonist of the movie, got political and fought against the takeover. It turned out to be a pretty simple plot at first. Then, some crackhead stopped by the studio and offered the writers some crack and then, they rewrote it and made it this bullshit story that doesn't even make sense at all. Then, one of the workers' two immature nephews came in and sabotaged the script by adding in fart jokes and juvenile humor into the lemmings' dialogue. They also thought it would please the younger audience if they added in hip songs like "Shake It Off" and "Watch Me" into the movie for Norm to dance to. They just said fuck it, got a very talented cast (and Rob Schneider) to do voices in the film, put it to animation, and voila. There's the finishing project.

 

At least, that's how I wish the process went.

God bless

[The Guy With the Computer]

Never watched Norm of the North, but it looks like a pitiful mess of a film.

[Cha]

ty, seeing you review this made my day

[Clappy]

At the beginning of this year, I made a resolution in regards to my activity around this site.  Keep coming up with content to share with you guys.  It’s what brings me the most joy when it comes to logging on here.  Material for you all to read and discuss.

I’ve already done so with my music thread.  Wumbo and I collabed on the seasonal chart rankings, Nugs and I are supposed to be doing the rap charts, and I did a year end chart ranking (and spoiler, another one is on the way too).

Now those music projects are easier to write than these ones, but I made a promise to myself and I’m going to follow through with it.  It’s been way too long since my last Crap Cinema installment and I’ve been trying to find material to revive this but nothing is bringing that creative juice a flowing.  But this thread has been around way too long to just let it go into the abyss like that.  

So I’m bumping this thread to tell you all that Crap Cinema is going to go under some side projects in this thread to keep it alive.  You’ll all see in the coming months what I have in store with this thread, but a new idea is in store that will hopefully be up in the coming week or so to give you guys something to read and hopefully enjoy.  I tried this out a few years ago where I reviewed and discussed if the Twilight series is the worst thing ever.  It was one of my more ambitious projects that I was quite proud of.  So I’m going to try that again with another commentary review:

Is the DC Extended Universe really that bad?

Yep, I’m going to review all the phase one projects so far, even the good one like Wonder Woman, because not all movies are perfect.  Coming soon.