Clappy’s New Crap Cinema

[Clappy]

Well this is a month late and I apologize since most of you know I've been very busy, but I'm going to make it up by doing both Wayans Brothers movies listed as Crap Cinema reviews.  However, I'm going to go ahead and get the one that won the poll the full treatment first.

 

 

So for those who don't know the history of the Wayans Brothers, let me summarize it in a nutshell.

 

PARODIES

 

Well at least Marlon, Shawn, and Keenan.  These three all got their starts with In Living Colour and their four season long sitcom on UPN, but in terms of motion pictures, these are the first series to come to mind.  Whether it be based off of movie genres or just pop culture trends (white chicks are spoiled lol), these numbskulls tried to satirize it with urban culture references and half-assed jokes.  While they aren't Friedberg/Seltzer bad when it comes to low-brow humor, the Wayans Brothers are a rather close second.

 

But of course, we can't talk about the Wayans Brothers and not bring up their biggest contribution to the cinematic universe: Scary Movie.  Now say as you may that I included Scary Movie in the category list above.  Doesn't mean I don't like Scary Movie.  It's humorous in it's own right.  I think the series got better when David Zucker took over since that man knows how to make good parody movies, but the original Scary Movie was still laugh out loud funny.  Scary Movie 2 on the other hand....eh I'll save that one for another day.  Anyway, once the Wayans Brothers left the Scary Movie franchise they made more bad parody movies to low results.  Then they faded away....that was until one day in 2012 when Marlon Wayans decided to go back to the film genre that actually gave him profit, horror movie parodies.  Thus A Haunted House was born.  Now I already gave my thoughts on this back in 2013 when it sat at the number two spot of my year end worst list.  Does it still hold up that terribly two years later?

 

Spoiler

OF COURSE IT DOES

 

This is A Haunted House.

 

The movie begins with the opening text stating that in October 2012, the footage was found at the home of Malcolm Johnson and that the recordings are still unexplained.

 

In August 2012, a young couple, Malcolm (Marlon Wayans) and Kisha, move in together to start a new happy life. On the first night, Malcolm is waken by Kisha's noisy flatulating that drives him out of the room.  Oh fart jokes, the lowest brow of all humor next to poop jokes.  Not even five minutes in and it's already giving me an obvious example of what kind of grand forms of humor are to ocme. When Kisha notices her keys on the floor she tries to tell Malcolm that they might have a ghost, which of course leads to Marlon Wayans going on an urban tirade about being black.  Oh racial topical humor, another form of humor that wears thin if not done right.  I can already guess how sick of this I'm going to get.

 

To prove to Kisha that they do not have a ghost Malcolm calls over some camera men, Dan the man Curnney (David Koechner who honestly needs to fire his agent because his whole career has been squandered potential) and his brother Bob. On the fourth night Malcolm tries to have sex with the camera on because he's our loveable douchebag, but Kisha tells him to turn it off...which I bet he won't. Before they really started, Malcolm turns the camera back on and records the whole thing....OF COURSE HE DOES. In the morning Malcolm and Kisha watch the video and notice that the door moved...and where is my stereotypical black woman smack talk tirade...OH THERE IT IS. Malcolm tries to convince Kisha that it had something to do with the vortex in which he moved his hips during sex last night.  Ah yes, it's because you think you are a sexual god.  You keep telling yourself that sir and maybe some day someone will actually believe you.

 

The next night, Malcolm notices the paranormal activity and tries to move out of the house and leave Kisha. Since he could not sell his house in the current market, they call a psychic (Nick Swardson...please save us) over to check the house. As soon as Chip, the psychic, meets Malcolm he begins to fall in love with him...and of course, Nick Swardson won't redeem this movie because he's Nick Swardson.  When you look up wasted comedic potential on the internet, you have a picture of Nick Swardson pop up first thing along with Chris Rock, David Spade, and anyone else who constantly collaborates with Adam Sandler.  

 

Before Chip can leave, after finding nothing wrong and making gay jokes because they are still relevant in 2013, Kisha confesses to making a deal with the devil for a pair of shoes...haha get it?  It's because she's a woman...oh Marlon Wayans, you never let us down with your stereotyping...bite me.  Chip tells Kisha that she is screwed and tries to invite Malcolm to a wrestling match with five guys because they are all guys and Chip is gay and QUIT KILLING COMEDY YOU BASTARDS.  THIS IS NOT FUNNY.   After Chip leaves, Kisha shows Malcolm a video of her eighth birthday in which she began to experience paranormal activity by her imaginary friend, Tony...who is also an urban stereotype as an imaginary friend...and THIS IS STILL NOT FUNNY.   

 

On the next night, Kisha awakens in the middle of the night and stands next to the bed for a couple of hours until she begins to randomly dance and twerks for another hour and slaps Malcolm's face to awaken him.  You know, I can hear a little part of me die every time I don't laugh.  Malcolm wakes up and follows Kisha to the kitchen where he catches her eating uncooked food and drinking old milk because....gross?  Kisha tells him that she's going to the store, but Malcolm tries to get her back to bed until she starts screaming crazily. In the morning, Kisha does not remember a thing from the prior night.  While we viewers unfortunately remember every unfunny aspect.

 

On another night, Kisha hears something and tells Malcolm to check it. But instead of a ghost it turns out to be Rosa (Marlene Forte), his Hispanic housekeeper, Rosa quits and Malcolm and Kisha smoke with the ghost to relieve their pain...I'm sorry let me repeat that.  The ghost and our two dimwits over here smoked weed.  Holy shit, how much more stupidity do I have to sit through.

 

*looks at DVD timer*

 

50 minutes?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Not only is this movie NOT FUNNY but this is BORINGLY UNFUNNY.  There has to be something....ANYTHING...worth redeeming about this turd.

 

The next day Malcolm's friend Steve and his wife Jenny bring an ouija board to communicate with the ghost. When they ask if it was a ghost or a demon, it responded with misspelling, calling itself a gost. Everyone began to laugh and make fun of it until the ghost throws the ouija board across the room, scaring Jenny and Steve out of the house.  Let this be a lesson kids to spell check yourself before you wreck yourself. That night, the ghost drags Malcolm out of the room and has sex with Kisha. The next day Malcolm finds out and calls his cousin Ray Ray. That same night, Kisha waits for the ghost until it gets late and leaves. After Kisha leaves, the ghost rapes Malcolm.  And I'm out of disgruntled comments because ghost rape is just impossible to commentate on the amounts of stupidity I've just witnessed.  And now we are one hour in of no laughter....BUT WHO'S COUNTING.

 

The next day Malcolm and Kisha make the ghost mad by not getting scared of what it does, leaving him to attack Kisha in the night while Malcolm listens to music on his computer. In the morning, Malcolm notices something's wrong with Kisha and calls Father Doug (Cedric the Entertainer) to do an exorcism.  FINALLY.  ENTERTAINMENT.  SAVE THIS TURD CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER.  I BEG YOU.

 

When it does not work, Malcolm calls Dan and Bobby to help. Chip also rushes into the house to help. During the exorcism, Kisha escapes and goes into the living room. Before Malcolm and Doug find her, Doug accidentally shoots Rosa, who had come to pick up her last check, and kills her...ah yes murder.  That's always funny. When they all meet in the living room, Kisha behaves very strangely and escapes to the basement. The group follows and finds her crying in a corner. When Malcolm reaches for her, she begins to attack him and the whole group begins to beat her up, apparently forcing the ghost out of her body...please end this.

 

The next night, Malcolm and Kisha have sex with the camera on for about 3 hours. In the middle of the night, Kisha wakes up and stand next to the bed for a few hours before walking out of the room and making a big crash and screaming Malcolm's name for him to investigate. When Malcolm comes out of his room, Kisha throws him back and he hits the camera, knocking him out. When Kisha enters the room her shirt is bloody. She crawls to Malcolm and sniffs his body until he farts in her face...oh boy, another fart joke. As Kisha lunges at the camera, her face takes on a demonic appearance. Then, the title of the movie appears.

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah four Baby Sandlers sounds about right.  I didn't laugh once.  Cedric the Entertainer was at least amusing in his parts because the guy knows comedy, but his part was wasted potential.  This was another instance of boringly bad comedy.  And of course the offensive humor was just predictable.  If they were trying to promote shock value, it wasn't that shocking.  I don't know how much worse the sequel was, but this was just really fucking stupid.  Which is exactly what I signed myself up for by reviewing another Wayans Brothers flick.  But at least this wasn't as bad as some of the other shit the Wayans Brothers have done.  Because guys, if you think a shitty parody of Paranormal Activity was bad, you haven't seen enough of any movie involving these two nitwits because the Wayans Brothers are capable of far worse than this.

[Old Man Jenkins]

This movie is still a guilty pleasure of mine for some reason. I found Swardson's Chip Coffey parody funnier than I probs should've. And having seen the second one, yeah, the only real bright spot in that is Gabriel Iglesias and if you thought Cedric was wasted in this one...

[Clappy]

Gabriel Iglesias being the bright spot of anything really doesn't speak to me since I'm not really a fan of his.

[Clappy]

Now for a special treat for all of you Crap Cinema fanatics.  This process took about a month of hard work so hopefully this is greatly appreciated.  I would like to give extra thanks to Wumbo for the suggestion of doing this idea and I would gladly collaborate with him (or anyone else for that matter) on a Crap Cinema crossover again.  Now what special turd of a movie brought this idea into motion?  I'm glad you asked.

 

 

 

Clappy: "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice." Take a few minutes to let that statement sink in guys because it makes about as much sense as the movie "Cool As Ice" does. 1991 was a big year for Vanilla Ice...WHY WAS IT A BIG YEAR FOR VANILLA ICE?  Guys the success behind this douchebag is mind blowing looking back.  He was already enjoying success from having rapped his way up the charts, making cameos on television programming as well as movies. Amazingly, he was denied an Oscar too.  Like his success is just inexplicable and I don't know who his agent was, but he must have made millions off having one of the most impossibly successful careers in the history of Hollywood.  The Ice Man had another ice up his sleeve in the form of his first starring role in a movie: Cool As Ice. Sadly for the Winkle man, it would be his last starring role as well. So let's excavate this buried treasure about a rebel rapper who's gonna show the world what he's made of... ICE...but I can't do this alone.  I need help.

 

 

 

Wumbo: GO WHITE BOY GO WHITE BOY GO!

 

 

 

Clappy: Wumbo.

 

 

 

Wumbo: Clappy.

 

  

*stinkeyes for a hour straight*

 

 

 

Clappy: Well, what do you have to say for yourself? 

 

Wumbo: Crossover?

 

 

 

Clappy: Ok...but no funny business.

 

 

Wumbo: Fine, have it your way.

 

 

 

And you're right, there's nothing funny about how Vanilla Ice was one of the biggest music stars of the early 90's. In an era which gangsta rap wasn't quite mainstream just yet, Vanilla Ice threatened to kill a trend before it even started. Not only was his flow weak, his rhymes terrible, and his voice nails on a chalkboard, he took the beat from "Under Pressure" without paying royalties in his hit song, "Ice Ice Baby". Thankfully, his success and, god forbid, "street cred" did not last throughout the 90's and he was soon labeled as the thief and poser he is. I mean, his music is just so terrible that any career change can only be an improvement... right?

 

 

Clappy: Well let’s find out.  This is.  *groans*  Cool as Ice

 

 

 

 

Johnny Van Owen (starring everybody’s favorite white boy Vanilla Ice) is a carefree rapper who drifts from city to city performing. As the film begins, Johnny is performing at a nightclub rapping and dancing with his crew and a club background songstress (Naomi Campbell….what the fuck are you doing here?) playing "Cool as Ice (Everybody Get Loose)".
 

 

Clappy: …where’s the movie.  If I wanted to watch a music video, I would be watching MTV or VH1…or if this was more modern day, YouTube.
Wumbo: Going on for 5 minutes longer than necessary. Seriously, I want to see Vanilla Ice doing anything but a music project.

When the club closes for the night, Johnny receives a phone number from a female audience member. They then head out on their motorcycles to their next show.
 

 

Clappy: You know if I wanted to watch douchebags do motorcycle tricks, I would tune in to the X-Games…or Vanilla Ice Goes Amish.
Wumbo: So at this point we go from a music video to a motorcycle showcase. How about starting a MOVIE?

While the group passes through a small town, 

 

 

Wumbo: with trees that look like they came straight out of Minecraft, 

 

 

the rebellious Johnny falls for honor student Kathy Winslow.
 

 

Clappy: Who was riding horses in the suburbs?  You know movie, city life and suburb life are not a complete 180 like you are making this out to be.
Wumbo: And this romance is brought to you by falling off horses and kicks to the nuts! Gee, I hope this isn't supposed to be a vanity project.

The crew is stranded in the town after a member's motorcycle breaks down and has to be left at a local repair shop.

Wumbo: Okay, so here's my personal pick for the worst aspect of the movie: THESE REPAIR SHOP PEOPLE ARE NOT FUNNY. They don't serve a purpose, they slow everything down, they're not entertaining, they are just unneeded characters. And the movie just loves to pick random moments to focus on them, too! Like they're these characters that we're supposed to love and, god forbid, respect! I'm sorry, I'm not buying it! I'll buy it about as much as Vanilla Ice being a potential love intere... oh, dear lord.

 

Clappy: Well said Wumbo.  I didn’t go into this amount of detail, but unneeded comedy characters in a Vanilla Ice movie of all things kills the comedic vibe.  You already have your walking talking comedic character in the lead actor.  When you are unfunnier than him, you know you are doing something wrong.

While waiting for repairs, Johnny uses the opportunity to see Kathy. Unfortunately for him, she already has a boyfriend named Nick, whom he advises Kathy to dump ("Drop that zero and get with the hero").

 

 

Clappy: Unintentional best line of the movie for all the wrong reasons.

 

 

Acting on a tip from Kathy's younger brother, Tommy, Johnny shows up with his crew at a local club frequented by Kathy and her friends. Noticing that no one was enjoying the live music playing at the club, Johnny and the crew decide to perform a musical number ("People's Choice") by unplugging the other band's instruments and taking control.

 

 

Clappy: You know, that’s saying something if you have the set musical standards in a movie lower than Vanilla Ice.

 

Wumbo: So I guess their calling in life is to replace shitty music with even shittier music. They're like an early 90's Kidz Bop. 

 

Clappy: Btw, holy mother of god this song though.  This has to be the worst Vanilla Ice song I’ve ever heard….and that’s saying something with Vanilla Ice’s musical library.  This song makes him come off whiter than mayonnaise.

 

 

shocking the audience and ending with Johnny sweeping Kathy off her feet, humiliating Nick. He offers to forgive Kathy and take her home, but she refuses and walks home by herself.

 

 

 

Wumbo: Nick does what any man would do, which is bang his car in frustration.

 

Nick: You’re tearing me apart Kathy!

 

 

 

Unbeknownst to Kathy, she is stalked by two strange men in a car. She is saved by Johnny, who takes her home. At the club's parking lot, a jealous Nick and his friends smash up motorcycles belonging to Johnny's friends. Nick's friends attack the rapping biker who fights back, leaving Nick and his buddies unconscious and Nick himself in the hospital with a broken nose.

 

 

Clappy: Holy crap.  That whole sequence.  It couldn’t get any more white if it tried.  And when did Vanilla Ice become such a vigilante of justice?
 

 

Kathy's father, Gordon, becomes suspicious of Johnny, and warns Kathy to stay away from him because they can't trust strangers. Despite her protests, her father insists; for her safety as well as that of the Winslow family. The next day, Kathy goes for a ride with Johnny against her father's wishes. They ride all over town, including a construction site, paying no heed to the time (the song "Never Wanna Be Without You" is played).

 

 

 

Wumbo: Because... construction sites are breeding grounds for romance now!

 

Clappy: And this leads to my biggest problem with this movie.  The transition sequences.  This isn’t the only time as there are other instances that start from the very beginning with that music video onward.  They annoy the ever living fuck out of me.  It’s like they are trying to commercialize this movie without having an exact product in mind.  Is this an ad for Vanilla Ice’s clothing line?  Some sort of food product?  Motorcycles?  Make up your damn mind movie because this is a movie.  Not a fucking commercial. 

 

 

 

When they finally return home, they are greeted by an angry Gordon, who coldly warns Johnny to stay away from his daughter.

 

 

Clappy: It’s because he’s black, isn’t it?

 

 

 

Gordon, under pressure from his wife Grace, reveals to Kathy the secret of his past—he was once a police officer before he met her mother. They were on the run from two corrupt cops (who claimed they were owed money by the Winslows) and were able to escape using fabricated documents, explaining why he kept his life a secret from Kathy all these years. Kathy criticizes her father, saying it was not fair that he lied to her in order to protect her, yet refuse to permit her to see a total stranger.

 

 

Clappy: One hour in and you finally decide to have a plot, movie?  It’s too late now.

 

The next day, Johnny agrees to give Tommy a ride on his bike. They cruise through the streets, and finally back to the Winslow home where Tommy is kidnapped. At the repair shop, the crew prepares to leave town since the bike has been repaired, but they tell Johnny to say goodbye to Kathy for the last time. When Johnny arrives at the Winslow house, he finds an envelope meant for the family. It turns out to be a message from the crooked cops with Tommy recording it. Fearing the worst, Gordon accuses Johnny of criminal involvement, much to Kathy's dismay.

 

 

Clappy: He does have a point though.  These criminals didn’t nonchalantly cause all this chaos when the Ice Man wasn’t in town.  He was hiding this secret for all these years and they just so happen to seek revenge this day?  Logic. It’s as cold as ice.

 

When Kathy asks Johnny to play the tape left behind by the kidnappers, he hears a loud clanging noise from a construction vehicle, revealing the message was recorded at the construction site.

 

 

 

Wumbo: THE CONSTRUCTION SITE, where all the shit goes down except... construction!

 

 

 

The gang ambushes the kidnappers and rescue Tommy.

 

 

 

Wumbo: And when kidnappers are defeated by Vanilla Ice, it's time to switch careers to like... a secretary or something.

 

Clappy: Well now the kidnappers can go get their joint they wanted after this whole incident…IN THE JOINT!  PUNS LOLOLOLOL.

 

 

 

When the police arrive, the gang return Tommy to the Winslows, and Gordon apologizes to Johnny. The rapper tells Kathy he has to move on, but she decides to follow him.

 

 

 

​Wumbo: And Johnny says "let's G-O." Was that a thing that people said? I can't tell which decade the fashion sense or the slang are supposed to be from, or maybe which planet.

 

Clappy: But wait, we need the full cliché circle to make it’s complete 180 because here comes Nick.

 

 

 

Around the same time, Nick arrives in his car, telling Kathy to get used to being a biker chick because she will never see him again. Not discouraged, Kathy holds on as Johnny uses the car as a ramp, much to Nick's shock.

 

 

Clappy: Ah yes.  Now we have reached maximum douche-a-meter. 

 

 

The two new lovers then ride off into the big city.  The film ends with Johnny finally reaching his destination, rapping ("Get Wit It") and dancing with his crew to an audience at a night club.

 

 

Clappy: GO DUMBASS GO DUMBASS GO!  

 

Wumbo: And we end the shitty movie on a shitty note. Congratulations, everyone! Would you like that hour and a half of your life back? Well, too bad! The Iceman took it!

 

 

 

Kathy, who is among the audience, joins him on stage after the show is over, dancing alone in the spotlight.

 

 

Clappy: Oh thank god this is over.  This movie has more plot holes than a city has potholes, horrible acting, terrible script, cornball sound effects, etc. It stayed in theatres for a whopping 3 weeks, which in most people's opinion was 3 weeks too many. How Universal thought this would even do well in theatres is beyond me.  I will say this though, I’ve sat through far worse. 

 

Wumbo: Even with Vanilla Ice's inexplicably flourishing rap career, this film did not sit well with critics or audiences, and it's easy to see why. This movie exposes everything wrong with Vanilla Ice's persona: he's not a black guy, but he plays one. And he plays it rather badly, might I add. Throw in some nonsensical editing, irritating characters, and an all-around sightseeing tour of how not to film a movie, and you've got yourself Cool as Ice, a film that actually rivals Ice's rapping career in terms of atrocity. So go, white boy, go. Go away for good.

 

 

Both of us agree that the FINAL RATING is:

 

 

 

 

[Metal Snake]

Hmm. I like this style of reviewing. Both you and Wumbo riffed this well.

[Clappy]

Hmm. I like this style of reviewing. Both you and Wumbo riffed this well.

Metal Snake brings up a good point.

Anyone out there think I should convert to this style of reviewing?

[SpongeOddFan]

Metal Snake brings up a good point.

Anyone out there think I should convert to this style of reviewing?

yes please

[Clappy]

Well, let's see if this works. I'm going to give the "Riffing Theater style" of reviewing another chance. How you guys support this will determine if this will be how future Crap Cinema installments are made. Now let's introduce today's victim.

You know it feels like just yesterday when I wanted to go see this movie. After watching this the other day....WHY. This movie clearly is going to be left behind in times as a terribly outdated comedy. That's bad that a four year old movie is already outdated. Maybe it's because R-rated comedies have evolved over the years to the point that it's more than just jokes about drinking, drugs, and sex. Or maybe it's because I've realized how bad Cameron Diaz movies have been over the past decade or so. Guys, I just don't see the appeal of Cameron Diaz anymore. Sure she is attractive, but looks can only get you so far. You have to learn to adapt with the times otherwise you'll be left high and dry and start losing your audience. Take a look at Jennifer Aniston. She was going through this same problem and she's been able to revive her career. Cameron Diaz, it's not too late. But after all the bad crap you've made in the nine years, it's going to take a lot. So let's take a look at this horrible comedy, Bad Teacher.

Elizabeth Halsey (Cameron Diaz) is an immoral, gold-digging Chicago-area teacher at the fictional John Adams Middle School who curses at her students, drinks heavily, smokes marijuana, and shows movies while she sleeps through class.

Clappy: Haha get it guys? She's a "bad teacher"...then why get in the profession in the first place. You know, this is our protagonist. She's suppose to be likeable in some way. Even in other R rated comedies of this mold, you have one redeemable likeable trait that's suppose to make us root for the hero....and not once do we see anything to like here. So you're already off to a bad start here movie. Let's see what else you can throw at us.

She plans to quit teaching and marry her wealthy fiancé, but when he dumps her after realizing she is only after his money, she must resume her job.

Clappy: And you know what's worse. During this whole scene, we are suppose to feel bad for her that her life has turned upside down. Because she is now super low on cash and having to room with a guy she found on Craigslist. How do we feel bad for her? She had all this coming from a mile away the moment we were introduced to her. Hey movie. Your pacing sucks. You're suppose to make us feel bad for her which means make us like her.

Our "hero" tries to win over substitute teacher Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake), who is also wealthy. Amy Squirrel (Lucy Punch), a dedicated but overly enthusiastic teacher and colleague of Elizabeth, also pursues Scott while the school's gym teacher, Russell Gettis (Jason Segel), makes it clear that he is interested in Elizabeth romantically. She, however, is not interested in him. She is also best friends with fellow teacher Lynn Davies (Phyllis Smith) who she knows no respect for.

Clappy: And this is our supporting cast of characters. Why did I group all of them together? Because all of them are just plot devices. Justin Timberlake's character is terrible as the goody two shoes rich substitute, Lucy Punch is just a massive annoyance, Jason Segel clearly deserved better material since he is wasted here as the obvious guy our lead will end up with, and Phyllis Smith as underutilized as she is, actually shows off some good comedic chops, despite the fact that she is nothing but our stereotypical loser punching bag.

Early in the film, Elizabeth plans to get surgery to enlarge her breasts, and becomes all the more motivated to do so once she learns Scott's ex-girlfriend had large breasts. However, she cannot afford the $9,300 procedure.

Clappy: Well...no shit. You just admitted you don't have any money to your name and you make teacher's salary. Teachers don't get paid well...hence why the fuck are you a teacher?

To make matters worse, Scott admits that he has a crush on Amy, only viewing Elizabeth as a friend. Elizabeth attempts to raise money for the surgery by participating in her 7th grade class car wash in provocative clothing and by manipulating parents to give her money for more school supplies and tutoring, but her efforts are not enough.

Clappy: ....OUR HERO PEOPLE. Making middle school boys aroused and unethically extorting parents for money.

Amy, acting on the growing resentment between them due to Elizabeth pursuing Scott and ignoring school rules, attempts to warn the principal about Elizabeth's embezzlement scheme, but he dismisses her claims as groundless.

Clappy: ....you know as annoying as Amy gets in this movie...she has a point. She's the movie's actual moral compass. She actually provides proof of all this and yet the principal only thinks of the money. Hey principal....let me just point something out to you. If these claims are "groundless", where is the money earned from these fundraisers? Why don't you keep track of your school's funding? Do you notice that all these charities lead to nothing? Not only do we have a bad teacher, but you have no right to consider yourself a school principal either.

Elizabeth later learns from Lynn plot point device that the teacher of the class with the highest state test scores will receive a $5,700 bonus. With this knowledge, Elizabeth decides to change her style of teaching, forcing the class to study intensely for the upcoming test. However, the change is too late and insufficient. The students have low scores on their quizzes, frustrating her even more.

Clappy: ....so we are nearly a hour into the movie at this point and she finally realizes that actually teaching will help her earn her boob money. Laziness can't even begin to describe how stupid this is. Which brings me back to my earlier question....HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL A TEACHER? The movie already makes us well known that she has been doing this for nearly ten years. Shouldn't she know by now that good teachers get rewarded with good scores? This is an insult to my intelligence.

Meanwhile, she befriends Russell the gym teacher as Amy and Scott start dating.

Clappy: The predictability. It hurts.

Desperate to pay off the enlarging of her breasts, Elizabeth steals the state test answers by disguising herself a journalist and seducing Carl Halabi (Thomas Lennon), a state professor who is in charge of creating and distributing the exams. Elizabeth convinces Carl to go into his office to have sex, but instead drugs him with alcoholic beverages and steals the test answers. A month later, Elizabeth wins the bonus, completing her needed funds, and pays for the appointment to get her breasts enlarged.

Clappy:.....once again....OUR.

FUCKING.

HERO.

God the only way she can be any more loathsome is if she tries to do something out of pure spite to Amy for being a good person...oh no...please don't prove me right movie.

When Elizabeth learns that Amy and Scott are chaperoning an upcoming field trip, she gets her revenge on Amy by smearing an apple with poison ivy and leaves it for Amy, who ends up with her face breaking out and cannot go. On the trip, Elizabeth seduces Scott. They dry hump and Elizabeth secretly calls Amy using Scott's phone leaving a message recording all the action, ensuring she knows about the affair.

Clappy:.....

.......

.......

.......

You know...they clearly have this movie all wrong. Let's go over everything she's done wrong here.

-She drinks in school.

-She does drugs in school.

-She is a gold digger.

-She doesn't teach.

-She treats others terribly.

-She steals money.

-She plagiarizes.

-She commits identity fraud.

-She commits major felonies.

-She steals.

-She poisons others.

-She commits infidelity.

-She is a homewrecker.

Guys, we aren't dealing with a bad teacher. We are dealing with a bad person. This character is one of the most despicable protagonists I have ever seen. She is simply awful. There is a special spot in cinema hell for the likes of someone like this. Right there next to The Garbage Pail Kids and Pauly Shore.

And how can I go about commentating on all this without even pointing out how painful this scene is.

How is any of this funny? Justin Timberlake gizzes his pants and implies he is going to give himself a hand job (in the unrated version of this). WHERE'S THE JOKE? That's another thing this movie does bad is that all of this stuff. All of these despicable actions could be funny if there was a joke behind this. God, I can't even.

However, Scott's peculiar behavior, which was subtly exposed by Russell when Scott would agree with anything even if it's contradictory, disappoints Elizabeth. Elizabeth later gives advice to one of her students Garrett who has an unrequited crush on the superficial Chase in class, who is also too busy being bullied by Tristan.

Clappy: Too late now to give Elizabeth a conscience movie. With everything I've listed this act of kindness comes literally out of nowhere. Was the fact that she found out Scott is an opinionless dumbass suppose to mean she is now a good person? Fuck this....also the guy who plays the bully Tristan is none other than Gibby. GIBBY is a bully. Now that's the biggest joke of the movie.

Left behind at the school, Amy switches Elizabeth's desk with her own to trick the janitor into unlocking Elizabeth's sealed drawer. Amy finds Elizabeth's journalist disguise and drugs, which leads her to suspect Elizabeth cheated on the state exam. Amy informs the principal and gets Carl to testify against her. However, Elizabeth took embarrassing photos of Carl while he was drugged and uses them to blackmail him to say she is innocent.

Clappy: Hey Amy. I know you are trying to give the movie some sort of rising climax here by trying to prove that Elizabeth is in the wrong, but you are missing one thing. You switched the desks you stupid bitch. Elizabeth is a manipulative bitch, we've already pointed this out. She is going to be two steps ahead of you and bust your ass. I didn't even need to watch the rest of this movie to know that.

Having noticed her desk was switched with Amy's,

Clappy: SHOCKER!

Elizabeth informs the principal that some teachers in the school are doing drugs. When the police arrive and bring their sniffer dog to search the school, they find Elizabeth's mini liquor bottles, marijuana and OxyContin pills in Amy's classroom, in Elizabeth's desk, unaware that while Amy switched the desks, she framed herself.

Clappy: ....might as well add deceitful criminal to that long list I wrote earlier.

Amy is arrested and transferred to the worst school in the county by the superintendent. Scott asks Elizabeth to start over, but Elizabeth rejects him in favor of a relationship with Russell. When the new school year starts, Elizabeth is kinder to her co-workers, has started a relationship with Russell, and did not get the breast enlargement because she feels that she looks fine the way she is. Elizabeth also has a new position in the school as the new guidance counselor.

Clappy:

YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR? KIDS ARE GOING TO COME HER FOR CONSULTATION AND ADVICE? FUCK ME. I'M DONE.

Four Baby Sandlers is probably way too nice. This would be a 4 1/2 movie if I could give it one because despite all the bad things I've said about this, Jason Segel and Phyllis Smith save this movie more than I give it credit for. They get some genuine good lines in and I don't hate either of them. That's more so to say than everyone else in this movie which range from either annoying to despicable. None of the students even bother to stand out because all of them are just cliches. This movie would have also worked better if they had a stand out student or two but the ones they try to give personalities are just jokes. I can't believe this movie made 100 million dollars, are you fucking kidding me America? I'm so glad that R rated comedies have evolved over the years because this genre deserves better.

....I think it's time to tackle this next.

[Katniss]

Nice work, Claps. Cameron Diaz's main character is simply awful and this comedy fails, hard.

 

*sees that Movie 43 is next on the list*

 

 

Good luck. 

[Burgerpants]

(looks at next movie)

I cannot feel sorry for you enough.

I mean, I guess I could make fun of a movie with you in the future but...

Really, THAT movie?

[Metal Snake]

Wow, that movie sounds awful. As always, good review. I'm getting more into it with this reviewing style.

[terminoob]

Cameron Diaz doesn't really have any appeal. The general consensus is that she peaked in The Mask (her first movie) and her voice acting was good enough in Shrek but other than that she hasn't done much of note. I guess Something About Mary would be her other good movie? I dunno. There are plenty of other funny and attractive women in Hollywood and she doesn't really bring anything unique to the table (aside from The Mask I don't really know any movie of Diaz's where I wouldn't have rather seen someone, like, Jennifer Aniston instead, for example).

[Clappy]

Cameron Diaz doesn't really have any appeal. The general consensus is that she peaked in The Mask (her first movie) and her voice acting was good enough in Shrek but other than that she hasn't done much of note. I guess Something About Mary would be her other good movie? I dunno. There are plenty of other funny and attractive women in Hollywood and she doesn't really bring anything unique to the table (aside from The Mask I don't really know any movie of Diaz's where I wouldn't have rather seen someone, like, Jennifer Aniston instead, for example).

I agree.  With everything.  Cameron Diaz has nothing going for her except her looks.  I don't even really find her all that funny.  She use to be back in the 1990s but now she is a great example of an actress who just takes roles just for the paycheck.  I haven't seen her try in anything in quite some time to actually be funny.  And if she is actually trying...she's just not funny anymore. 

[Clappy]

Sorry guys.  The Movie 43 review is still in the works, but sometimes a movie just comes along that is so irritatingly bad that plans change.  Granted Movie 43 is far worse than what I’m reviewing today, but at least I walked into that knowing what to expect.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAgnQdiZFsQ

 

Fuck this movie fuck this movie fuck this movie so hard…instead of rambling about how much I hate this, let’s take a look at where it all went wrong.

So back in 2012, The Avengers came out.  It’s one of the biggest event movies of all time and while it’s easy to go on and on about how genius it was for Marvel’s strategic planning that lead to nearly 2 billion dollars in worldwide profit, other movie studios were put on notice.  In no particular order: Warner Brothers, Sony, and 20^th Century Fox.  Warner Brothers is currently replicating the Marvel Cinema Universe strategy with their own DC Comic Universe.  It remains to be seen how effective their strategy will be especially since they only have two movies in 2016 to build up to the Justice League in 2017, but Sony and 20^th Century Fox were in a different situation.  Both movie studios had Marvel Properties in their franchise libraries that Marvel wanted back so they can build up their universe even more.  Sony owned the rights to the Spider-Man Universe and Ghost Rider Universe, while 20^th Century Fox had the entire X-Men universe, Daredevil, and of course, the Fantastic Four.  Sony and Fox had no problem giving back the rights to Daredevil and Ghost Rider since both properties flamed out badly, but the other three had proven to all be financially successful at one point in time that they pretty much gave Marvel the proverbial “fuck off” and kept making movies.

 

Anyway, it was obvious that Sony and Fox had massive envy over the amounts of money Disney/Marvel were making with this cinematic universe that they decided to take advantage of what Marvel properties they owned and do their own universes.  Let me be perfectly clear, this concept was doomed from the get go.  Sony realized this immediately after the massive disappointment that was Amazing Spider-Man 2 which was trying to plan out three-four more Spider-Man movies, a Sinister Six spin-off, and according to the Sony studio leaks from back in December 2014, an Aunt May spin-off.  Who the fuck would actually pay money to see Aunt May?  Either way, Marvel did not like what Sony was doing to one of their flagship comic characters and Sony was so desperate for money that they came to an agreement to allow Spider-Man back into the MCU while still being a property of Sony.  Smart move by Sony to be completely honest because every time Spider-Man appears in a future Avengers movie or another Marvel franchise, that’s easy profit.

 

Even before the Sony leaks, Marvel Studios understood Spider-Man and X-Men since both film franchises kept making new movies every 2-3 years, but they didn’t understand why 20^th Century Fox was so hesitant to give the rights back to the Fantastic Four.  Fox announced that they were going to reboot the series back in 2009, but did absolutely nothing with it.  So soon after the massive success of The Avengers, Marvel gave Fox a deadline to make a movie or else they will get the rights back.  So Fox put the Fantastic Four reboot on the fast track, hiring director Josh Trank, who was just coming off massive critical and financial success with found footage superhero movie “Chronicle”, which for the record I love that movie.  Fox also decided to go completely young with the cast instead of being in their 30s like they are supposed to be because Fox was apparently envious of the moody dramatic elements of The Amazing Spider-Man movies as well.  And you know what in concept, I get it.  They wanted to reboot the franchise entirely because let’s face it.  The Fantastic Four have never had a good movie.  I’ve never seen the 1994 version with Roger Corman, but I hear that never released version is so bad it’s good.  I’ve already said enough about the 2005 version in my Best/Worst countdown thread and the 2007 sequel is only a slight improvement.  So I get what they were going for with this new version and why they did it…but man…I can’t believe I didn’t see this build up to how bad it was going to be sooner.  I knew about the production troubles while filming.  All the internal clashes between director Josh Trank and 20^th Century Fox.  Marvel halting production on future Fantastic Four comics and pulling out of their toy deal.  Miles Teller’s awful Esquire interview where he admitted to how big of a pretentious asshole he is didn’t help matters either (Spoiler alert fam.  Most celebrities are assholes.)  This was a massive disaster coming and the end game is the train wreck I should have expected the moment I read the atrocious reviews.

 

So before I start, time for the usual SPOILER ALERT tag.  Granted, this is my third Crap Cinema review where I reviewed a movie presently in theaters.  So if you have plans to go see this and don’t want to be spoiled, avert your eyes now.  I'm not tagging it.  Although, why should you spend your hard earned money unless you are a true Fantastic Four fan boy through and through.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friends Reed Richards (Miles Teller) and Ben Grimm (Jamie Bell) have worked together on a prototype teleporter since their childhood.

 

Clappy: Ok stop.  Five minutes in and the time hop problems aren’t the only thing glaring.  First of all, the origin story of the friendship of Reed and Ben is not what it really is.  They were close friends in high school yes, but they didn’t know each other in elementary school.  Also yes Reed Richards was a child prodigy, but no way in hell did he start experimenting on teleporters at that age of 11.  He’s not fucking Jimmy Neutron.  Second, we see that Ben has a rough home life.  Why are we shown this?  Because his abusive older brother use to say it’s clobberin’ time.  Haha, child abuse isn’t funny…dicks.

 

Now at 18 years of age they are presenting their teleporter at an all ages science fair only for things to go awry.

 

Clappy: So what the hell was the point of showing their childhood?  Because Reed and Ben became friends?  To show the origins of clobberin’ time?  What the fuck was the point?  Also this whole wacky science fair shenanigans bullshit came off as Meet the Robinsons-lite except without all the charming elements because who the fuck would actually be showing a TRANSPORTER TO OTHER DIMENSIONS at a school science fair?  I mean hell, the kid right next to him had a model airplane thing.  I get that Reed’s a show-off, but teleportation…that’s the kind of shit you show to the national government you idiots.  Low and behold though, their transporter fails and causes an explosion….derp.

 

So all these “crazy shenanigans” eventually attracts the attention of Professor Franklin Storm (Reg E. Cathey), director of the Baxter Foundation, a government-sponsored research institute for young prodigies who ironically enough has also been testing interdimensional travel.

 

Clappy: So Professor Storm is patrolling science fairs for kids who can help him achieve this breakthrough?  Wow, what a lazy asshole.

 

Reed is recruited to join them and aid Storm's children, scientist Sue Storm (Kate Mara) and technician/street racer/crash test dummy Johnny Storm (Michael B. Jordan), into completing a "Quantum Gate" designed by Storm's wayward protégé, Victor von Doom (Toby Kebbell), who begrudgingly agrees to help due to his unrequited feelings for Sue and hates Reed for getting along so well with Sue.

 

Clappy: Multiple things I’d like to point out here fan boys.  First of all, Johnny Storm also gets begrudgingly added to the project due to totaling a racecar, but his father implies that Johnny is a master technician.  If he’s such a master technician, why can’t he make an engine that doesn’t explode?  Either way, the whole arrogant asshole thing.  That works for Johnny Storm because that is Johnny Storm.  At least they got that right.

Oh and of course, since it was such a big deal during the casting decision, it’s actually Sue that is adopted.  So you have no problem changing the race of Professor Storm and Johnny, but you decide to keep Sue white?  I get that Michael Jordan is the “next big thing” when it comes to male leads, but why not just make Sue black too if you are going through this many racial changes to critical characters.  Also if you’re going to make Sue the adopted one, perhaps you shouldn’t have the white kid be the do-everything-right academic superstar and the black kid be the disobedient, chip-on-his-shoulder lawbreaker because stereotypes.

 

While I’m at this nitpicking, what the hell did they do to Victor von Doom?  They turned his character into a fucking cyber punk hipster.  Like he’s the epitome of an emo scene kid here and I fucking hate this character change.  By the way, remember how noteworthy the whole Reed/Sue/Victor love triangle is from previous editions?  Well this is pretty much the only time in the movie that you see any sort of love triangle tension.  Kind of disappointing because Reed and Sue’s chemistry is actually rather important to the series and Reed and Sue in this version really don’t have any sparks whatsoever.  They argue because they are polar opposites and Reed thinks Sue is hot.  That’s pretty much it.  But Sue did laugh at one of Reed’s jokes and gets Victor jealous.  Thus that is the only valid reason Victor has for hating Reed at all.  Reed’s character may be an asshole, but he always treated Victor with the sincerest of intentions.

 

If I sit here and nitpick the actual origins story compared to this turd, then I’ll be here all night.

 

The experiment is successful, and the facility's supervisor, Dr. Allen (Tim Blake Nelson…aren’t you already in like three different Marvel movies bro?), assembles a group of astronauts to venture into a parallel dimension known as "Planet Zero". Disappointed at being denied the chance to join the expedition, Reed, Johnny, and Victor recruit Ben to help them commandeer the Quantum Gate and embark on an unsanctioned voyage to Planet Zero.

 

Clappy: So these guys are pissy that they don’t get to go space when Dr. Allen says they’ll contact NASA about getting trained astronauts to help them explore this brave new world—which is, of course, the entirely reasonable thing to do dumbasses.  Oh and of course just like reasonable dumbasses, they go drink and act like fucking idiots….our heroes everybody.  Reed of course is supposed to be a super genius with photographic memory and I’m supposed to believe, even in a buzzed state, that he knows next to nothing about the 1969 space mission?  I know this nitpicking again, but come on guys. What am I nitpicking too much?  Here’s nitpicking that’s actually vital to the story…

 

WHY IS BEN ONLY NOW BEING ADDED TO THIS PORTION OF THE MOVIE?  He should have been there the whole time.  He was just as important to the “success” of the teleporter.  Not just any teleporter.  “THEIR” teleporter.  I mean Reed only admitted that umpteen times throughout the beginning.  I mean this would be the perfect time to actually strengthen his character relationships with Johnny, Sue, and Victor.  It’s like the writers just told Ben to stay at home until he’s needed to get his powers.

 

Our “heroes” learn Planet Zero is a world filled with otherworldly substances. Victor attempts to collect a sample of the substances, causing the entire structure they're in to collapse and the ground to erupt with green lava-like substance.

 

Clappy: …….

 

This is Chronicle.  Our director literally ripped off his own movie.  In that same movie, three teens after a night of partying investigate an object they found in a hole and are given their superpowers.  In this, drunken idiots go check out a planet and check out a structure that causes their powers to be given to them.  Sound familiar now?  Granted I know that the Fantastic Four got their powers from otherworldly substances, but come on.  You didn’t have to rip yourself off in this fashion Trank.

 

I’m warning you guys.  Turn back now.  Despite my constant rounds of nitpicking I’ve been doing so far, this is just your regular amounts of bad movie instances.  I was able to tolerate everything I’ve listed off.  What’s coming up though….you’ve all been warned.

 

Reed, Johnny, and Ben return to their shuttle just as Sue brings them back to Earth. Victor is left behind after he falls into the collapsing landscape. The machine explodes, altering Reed, Sue, Johnny, and Ben on a molecular-genetic level, affording them super-human conditions and abilities beyond their control.

 

Clappy: Besides even more Chronicle like happenstances, this is where the movie just blatantly pisses me off.  For the rest of this movie, we are supposed to side with the ridiculously immature drunken kids who did this onto themselves and Sue, who was an innocent bystander to three fucking idiots (and another still stuck on Planet Zero…gee I wonder where we’ll see him transform into the villain?).  Let me also point out that the whole scene showing off their powers is fucking awful.  Reed’s elastic powers have always been fucking ridiculous, but here the CGI is so unbearably bad that it just doesn’t work even now more than ever.  Sue keeps fading in and out of transparency.  Johnny keeps spontaneously combusting that it looks like pure torture, and Ben keeps screaming for help from a pile of rubble until he realizes that he is the pile of rubble.  And I wouldn’t blame him because what on god’s green earth did they do to The Thing:

 

 

Even 2005 Thing didn’t look like CGI ass like this one does.  And here’s what I especially hate about this whole sequence.  The movie becomes from here on out self-serious, grim, dark, and boring.  Like you’ll tell from the tone of this review here on out that I become increasingly bored of the Failtastic Four because they start to treat a movie that’s not supposed to be these levels of serious as such and it’s bad.  Really bad.  They are trying way too hard to be The Dark Knight mixed with David Cronenberg.  Don’t believe me?  Josh Trank even says that himself in one of his many interviews bashing his own movie.  I understand him being pissed off about Fox meddling as heavily as they did with this, but dude.  David Cronenberg?  Fantastic Four?  That concept sounds stupid from the get go.  What makes Cronenberg movies work in their tone is because the whole movie is his directorial tone from beginning to end.  You had a scene of frat boys getting drunk and rambling about Buzz Aldrin.  You had a scene of illegal street racing.  You can’t suddenly force a self-serious tone on to a superhero movie nearly half of the way into it.

 

Anyway the Failtastic Four are then placed in government custody and confinement to be studied and have their conditions and abilities tested. Blaming himself for the accident after hearing Ben’s cries for help, Reed escapes the facility by…changing his face….and becoming a fugitive.  The film then…jumps one year later, Reed is located in Central America by Sue and captured by Ben, who has become a military asset along with Johnny and Sue.  Johnny and Sue have been outfitted with specialized suits, one of which Reed later receives, designed to keep up with their conditions and abilities and to help them stabilize, control, and contain their abilities.

 

Clappy: Whoa whoa whoa wait a minute movie.  You can’t be serious.  So many questions here that don’t make any fucking sense what so ever.  Fine movie, you want to play 20 questions.  Game on.

 

Reed now has the ability to change his face?  Are you fucking kidding me?  He’s not Mystique dammit.  That’s an entirely different ability.  You can’t make up abilities on the go for a character that has existed for nearly a hundred years.  Second, with all of the self-pity you just had about hurting your friends this way, you leave Ben to get tortured and escape?  What a super douchebag.  Third and most importantly, what the hell was with that out of nowhere time jump?  You left us with nearly a year’s worth of questions that go completely unanswered?  Why is Reed in Central America?  Finding a cure for his friends?  What kind of cure would possibly be in Central America? How did the government track Reed?  If so, why did they take a whole year to find him as easy as they found him in that instance?  Why are the rest of the Failtastic Four military assets?  Did they strike a bargain so they can serve less jail time (I had to throw in a Suicide Squad reference, just had to)?  Why does The Thing have 43 confirmed kills in a single outing?  Why did Fox decide to make The Thing a serial killer?  Did they not remember that The Thing is supposed to be someone who knows he’s hideous on the outside and has internal conflicts about his appearance?  Why is Sue upset that Johnny enjoys being a military asset?  What is with Johnny’s recent obsession with not being a tool?  When did this character change happen when he was a tool for the first half of the movie since that’s Johnny’s character trait?  Why is Sue the most reasonable character out of all of them?  Why isn’t she the leader since clearly Reed is a jackass?  Seriously why isn’t she slapping any sort of sense into Reed because clearly someone has to.

 

 

But you know despite all these questions….I just don’t care.  This whole series of rants is as phoned in as the rest of this movie because it’s flat out boring.  It felt like the first half of the movie was at least trying to be important.  It may have been trying badly but at least it was trying to be a movie.  This whole second half doesn’t make it feel like a movie at all.  It feels like a series of extended trailer sequences that Fox is trying to piece together to lead us to infinite amounts of spin-offs and endless sequels and a possible X-Men crossover.  The reason this worked for the Marvel Cinema Universe is because they were at least attempting to plan long term one piece at a time.  This is falling under the same series of sequences The Amazing Spider-Man 2 did in one movie except at least The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was able to remain watchable.  This is the first film in your extended sequence only to plot out umpteen films in the next five-ten years.  At least establish the universe your trying to set up instead of thinking about how much money you’re going to make and having the rest do itself.  It doesn’t work that way.  Our film maker and 20^th Century Fox just don’t care at this point anymore, so why should I and the rest of your viewing audience?  But I at least care about my viewing audience here on this silly SpongeBob forum.  So I’m going to finish what I started.

 

After being told off by the rest of his “family”, Reed is brought to Area 57, where Dr. Allen conscripts him to open another portal to Planet Zero in exchange for giving Reed the necessary resources to find a cure.

 

Clappy: You mean have the trained professionals do what they should have done in the first place?  Go figure. 

 

Arriving in Planet Zero, Dr. Allen's explorers find Victor, who has been fused to his spacesuit and can now control the elements, as well as having telekinetic abilities to make people and objects explode, and bring him back to Earth.

 

Clappy: So you’re telling me this whole time, not a single one of them thought, “Hey we should go back and save Victor.”  I mean hell this is pure laziness on behalf of the writers.  It’s like they forgot about Victor themselves, but then realized.  “Hey we need a villain.  Well Victor is still stuck on Planet Zero.  How about him despite the fact that he was more inclusive to the actual team than Ben Grimm?  Yeah sure why not.  His last name does have Doom after all.  Perfect.”

 

Fail.  And speaking of fail, I may have said some nasty things about The Thing’s CGI, but can we talk about Victor?  He looks like the tin man wrapped in aluminum foil.  It’s embarrassing honestly.  You have a budget of $120 million and you can’t make believable elastic arms, a rock man, or an enticing villain.  Bite me movie.

 

Victor now believes the human race needs to be destroyed so he can rebuild Planet Zero in his image, Victor escapes, killing scientists and soldiers in the base including Dr. Allen and Professor Storm. Victor returns to Planet Zero using the Quantum Gate, with Ben, Johnny, Reed, and Sue in pursuit.

 

Clappy: Ok if Victor’s superpower is THAT O.P. then why is there an actual fight between him and the Fantastic Four?  He could have just blew them the fuck up.  That’s just insulting.  Oh and what’s even more insulting is that it took the death of Professor Storm to actually have them become a team.  No organic growth.  No realizations of how important it is for them to work together.  Just clumped together like this movie.  Forced.  Just like Ben’s inclusion into the team.  Forced.  Just like Victor Von Doom’s transition into becoming a villain.  Forced.  Just like Victor Von Doom’s reason for suddenly wanting the world to die?  Why should the world die?  Why not Planet Zero?  What the hell did that planet ever do for you?  Forced forced forced forced forced FORCED. 

 

On Planet Zero, Victor activates a portal, using a structure he made while in the realm, that begins consuming the landscape of the Earth. He is confronted by the four and, after a destructive battle, the Four punches Victor into the portal's energy beam, disintegrating him, and close the portal.

 

Clappy:  No.  You guys read that right.  All four of them punch Victor to defeat him.  HOW?  WHY WERE THEY A CHALLENGE TO BEGIN WITH?  HE COULD HAVE BLOWN THEM UP WITH HIS MIND.  I don’t know.  I don’t even care anymore.  Just end this damn thing.

 

Returning to Earth, the group is rewarded for their heroics by being given a new base of operations by the United States military. They decide to use their powers to help people and adopt the mantle of the "Fantastic Four".

 

Clappy: What not Fan4stic?  Because it’s all over your fucking movie posters, commercials, etc.  Bite me movie.  Fucking bite me.

Do I even need to rate this with a goofy Crap Cinema branded image.  5 out of 5.  Worst movie I’ve seen this year.  I don’t know if I’ll see any worse this year, but any other contenders will have to really try hard at not being a movie at all like this one.  The writing sucks.  The acting sucks.  The characters suck.  The directing sucks.  The editing sucks.  The CGI sucks.  This movie is just an all-out disaster of epic proportions.  Sure I’ve been animated all weekend about how bad this is, but you know what?  I’ve seen worse.  Guys there have been far worse movies out there in the extensive Hollywood collection of them.  Hell, I’ve covered far worse films in Crap Cinema and will be revisiting far worse in my Best/Worse Domestic Box Office Random Year project.

 

But that does not excuse this project.  It is massive amounts of trash.  It’s going to rank up there for a long time as one of the worst superhero movies along the likes of Catwoman, Batman & Robin, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace and rightfully so.  I think what’s leading to the massive amounts of backlash against this is we as consumers have been treated to far better.  Superhero movies have done a lot of evolving in the last ten years and Marvel Studios have been at the forefront of the evolution for the past decade.  Audiences know what Marvel is capable of making and are being treated to excellent superhero movies.  They know what a good movie is and use Marvel or Nolan’s The Dark Knight trilogy as examples as to what entertainment is from the genre and how more movies should be like that.  Fox has all the materials right in front of them to be able to replicate that success.  They are doing it damn well with the X-Men movies right now.  They could have had similar if they weren’t rushing to make a Fantastic Four movie just to keep the property rights. 

 

I have no clue if this means the rights are going back to Marvel/Disney, but if the dominos do fall, then what?  It’s just the rich getting richer and more of an extensive library of trophies for Marvel to use at their expense.  The Fantastic Four will just become another cog in their billion dollar system.  Which I think the franchise is far more capable than just being another piece.  I think the Fantastic Four can still be a very profitable franchise on their own for any movie studio.  Plus Marvel’s line-up for the next five years is so stacked right now that they don’t need the Fantastic Four.  They have a shit ton of other options at their expense.  I doubt Marvel is hurting that badly for the Fantastic Four, although having the rights to characters like Silver Surfer and Galactus would be tempting seeing how well Guardians of the Galaxy was received.

 

But as for this movie, I honestly don’t know if Josh Trank was the right fit for this project either because while I think Fox shouldn’t have messed with his movie, what Trank was giving us A LOT of retread from Chronicle as well as subpar stuff anyway.  But he did have a great cast at his expense.  He just didn’t give them reason to care about this project.  Good luck getting work for the next few years btw Trank.  Venting your frustrations on Twitter about your employers is an awful career move.  I don’t know if this cast will get hurt by this failure because all four have bright futures in Hollywood.  Jamie Bell is still making a good niche in the indie film market, Kate Mara still has House of Cards working for her, and Miles Teller and Michael B. Jordan still can be A-listers in 3-5 years, although someone should really slap Miles Teller for his asshole antics with Esquire.

 

 

That GIF is never getting old.  I might have to utilize this more than Baby Sandlers.

[Katniss]

You surely put that gif to good use

 

Holy crap this movie has more holes than Swiss cheese. Definitely not gonna waste my money on this.

[Metal Snake]

Easily one of your best reviews, you did a great job explaining how much of a waste of time this movie is. My only line of criticism is that I've gotten bored of the Baby Sandlers and would like to see that slapping gif be utilized more.

[The Guy With the Computer]

I liked the review.

 

Yeah, this movie was awful.

[Wumbo]

Yes, please use the gifs in place of Baby Sandlers. Natural evolution occurs with time. xD

 

Stellar review, Claps!

[WhoBibbles]

Great review, Clappy. I liked it. Man, I've had high hopes for this movie but it turned out to be garbage. With great crew and cast behind this, it's impossible for this movie to be bad but nope. It was garbage and Josh Frank's Twitter post only made things worse. Can't wait for your Movie 43 review, which I've heard tons of crap about it.

[terminoob]

I hate to be "that guy" to defend this movie, but there are some points I think need defending:

 

- Check out the age everyone was in the first Fantastic Four - barring Michael Chiklis, everyone was a lot younger than these guys. Chris Evans was, like, 21 or 22. These guys just look a lot younger. I mentioned in my review that they might've been going for Ultimate Fantastic Four, which would make sense given the look of everyone because in those comics everyone's a little bit younger.

 

- Reed's an asshole, I had no problem with him leaving Ben and his because he was on the pursuit for knowledge. That's what he does. There's a storyline in the comics where he creates an interdimensional transporter and transports himself to a council of Reed Richards' from across different dimensions and they use their combined intellect to help stop the problems in the world, but Sue tells Reed it's a stupid idea to continue that and that he should stop but he doesn't listen to her because he has a hunger for knowledge and science and understanding. It blows up in his face, like all of his things do, and there are serious repercussions (that I won't get into because we'll be here all day) and it could've been avoided if he wasn't so into science that it made him a dick.

 

- I have no problem with him changing his face. He's not changing his form. He's made of rubber - rubber stretches, he should be able to do that. I thought that was very Reed Richards of him to think of.

 

- The government mentions they're tracking Reed with satellites whenever he goes on the grid, but because he doesn't do that a lot they can't find him and they need Sue to do that because she's good at pattern recognition (which is mentioned earlier in the film), and I think Sue was looking at the code of Reed's last ping to the satellite. I dunno. I don't think it was that flimsy but it definitely could've made more sense.

- They actually did strike a bargain - kind of. The Thing is working for them because they promised him they'd find a cure, and Johnny is good at doing this so he wants to be used. I don't think Johnny needed anything in exchange for wanting to be a weapon because he liked the idea of being the best at it. Sue is hesitant and she just listens to her dad. I don't remember what her deal was, or if they offered her a deal. 

- The Thing has 43 kills because he's being used as a military weapon. From what I understood he's not a serial killer. He's doing the government's dirty work. Killing terrorists and criminals, probably.

 

Overall though, yeah. Pretty shit movie.

 

Edit: OH. I forgot. This isn't even gonna be defending the movie:

 

- Sue doesn't even laugh at anything Reed says. Victor gets mad at them for laughing together. If you remember that scene, Reed doesn't make a joke. They're talking about Sue's adoption and Reed asks where she was from and Sue tells him whatever country she's from and Reed says "you don't have an accent" and Sue says "I don't?" in a fake accent, and then Reed laughs, and that makes Sue laugh, and then they keep laughing. Doom has even less of a reason to hate Reed because he wasn't even the one that made Sue laugh. Sue made herself laugh.