Clappy’s New Crap Cinema

[Metal Snake]

Good review as always. I liked the first Spy Kids movie when I was little, but I never saw any of the sequels. Kinda glad I missed out on them.

[Doctor Sex]

You should watch "The 41 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It" it sounds like perfect review material

[Clappy]

You should watch "The 41 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It" it sounds like perfect review material

Like I said Sex, if you can tell me where to find it, I'll review it.  Having watched the trailer, I bet I can find it in a trash can.

 

Also, coming soon to a review thread near you.  Happy Thanksgiving!  I'm thankful that I am taking on one of my least favorite movies of all time.

 

Spoiler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80xWiJ-0j94

[Burgerpants]

Do some CGI Gar-bitch next.

Any Weinstien Company film would do.

[Clappy]

So after much pondering, I think I have decided on what I'm going to do as my next film after Scooby Doo.

 

 

Spoiler

 

I know I have made topics about how awful this looks and how it's sole purpose is to make money.  But is Planes as awful as it's existence appears?  We all are pondering this and I'm willing to sit through this and give it my two cents.  It's on digital now so hopefully that means it will be on DVD not too long from now too.

[Clappy]

Sorry for anyone who opens this thread and is disappointed to see that there is no review, but I should have the new Crap Cinema up either late Monday or early Tuesday.

[Clappy]

Sorry this is so late.  Had a hard time getting this review up.  But I think the sentiments are all the same.  Fuck you Warner Brothers.

 

 

No seriously.  Just fuck you.  Raping my childhood just to make a few hundred million dollars….were my initial thoughts after seeing this back in 2002 and are still my thoughts today.  Of course I am used to movie studios cashing in nostalgic properties to make shit tons of money off of poor saps who want to see live action films of their childhood heroes, but Scooby Doo was different.  I don’t remember if I had it on my top shows of all time thread, but if I don’t have it on there, I hate myself for not putting it on there.  Scooby Doo is one of my favorite television franchises of all time.  The plot is repetitive, but what it makes up for is in mysterious elements, comedy, and of course thrills.  Some people consider the franchise overrated, but I enjoyed it.  Probably my favorite Hanna-Barbera property.

 

So naturally, when it was announced to become a major motion picture, I was excited.  Not only did they make it seem like a big deal for the studio, but they went out of their way to get a who’s who of rising stars during that time in: Freddie Prinze Jr, Linda Cardellini, Matthew Lillard, and the Vampire Slayer herself Sarah Michelle Gellar.  Thirteen year old Clappy was beyond excited…until the trailer came out.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80xWiJ-0j94

 

…what did I just watch?  Those were my initial thoughts of the trailer.  I was worried, but then I thought maybe this will just be a homage to the cheesy good time that was the classic Scooby Doo.  Then I watched it.

 

 

 

This movie starts with the gang being shown inside a warehouse illustrating a plan to catch the Luna Ghost who has kidnapped Daphne flying around with her bound and gagged; which goes astray but ends with Scooby and Shaggy causing the Ghost to be caught.  Why start the movie at the end of one of the goofy cases is beyond me.  Instead I want to get straight towards one of the universal complaints when it comes to this movie.  The bad CGI of Scooby Doo:

 

 

I mean look at this piece of shit.  CGI wasn’t this bad in 2002.  It doesn’t even look that much like Scooby Doo.  And it’s not just Scooby’s awful CGI.  It’s the CGI in general in this flick.  It’s horrendous.  If you told me that the first Harry Potter movie and The Lord of the Rings films came out before this, then I wouldn’t believe you.  Because those were some of the more impressive CGI films of that time period.  Hell, Roland Emmerich blowing up the White House in Independence Day is still one of the most impressive CGI sequences of the 20^th century and THAT came out six years before this.  The half-assed CGI in this live action hybrid is just inexcusable when you have as large a budget as you Scooby Dooby do for this.

 

After solving the mystery and an incredibly pointless Pamela Anderson cameo, constant arguments among the members of Mystery Incorporated about their roles for the team run amuck.  I hate to compare to the show, but they never really specified roles to begin with in the original series.  Velma was the smart one yes, but was Daphne ever technically “the damsel in distress”?  No not really.  Was Fred “full of himself”?  I always considered him a leader, not an egotistical ass.  Maybe it was a request from the douche that is Freddie Prinze Jr.  Just you wait until we reach the Shaggy and Scooby characters very shortly.  Anyway, all these egos cause the gang to go their separate ways, much to the sadness of Shaggy and Scooby.  I mean for god’s sake, this whole segment is just way too rushed.  These five were a perfect team.  Not once did they ever let their egos get in the way.  This forced conflict is just what it is.  FORCED!

 

Two years later…

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9_XaFYu_P4

 

Oh just fuck this scene.  Fuck this scene so hard.  Just because Shaggy looks like a pothead doesn’t mean you have to go for this god awful marijuana innuendo.  I mean this is a children’s movie….right?

 

Shaggy and Scooby-Doo are approached by a stranger to solve the mystery of the popular horror resort Spooky Island.  After multiple no’s, get what finally makes them change their mind?  FREE FOOD OF COURSE.  Thus this leads to them reuniting with Fred, Velma and Daphne, although none of the latter are thrilled to see each other, except for Shaggy and Scooby who still want Mystery Incorporated to re-unite.  Oh and of course we get bad comedy galore with Scooby cross dressing, but I’d rather not want to picture that again….

 

 

*quivers*

 

On the island, the gang meets Emile, the park's owner portrayed by Rowan Atkinson because this guy has always needed a better agent.  What a waste of comedic talent.  Emile explains his theory that visitors are being cursed. Shaggy falls in love with a girl named Mary Jane (Isla Fisher before her career arose from being best known as weed), while Scooby is mysteriously targeted by demonic creatures that are also horribly animated thanks to awful CGI. Velma meets a man named N'Goo (no seriously, that’s his name), the famous luchador Zarkos (the fuck?), who explains that demons once ruled the island.

 

The gang visits the island's abandoned ghost castle, where Daphne finds a tetrahedron-shaped artifact called the Daemon Ritus and Velma and Fred find a strange classroom with videos designed to address non-humans and Scooby and Shaggy find…

 

 

God really?  Do I even have to acknowledge that this scene exists as well?  IT STINKS!

 

But anyway, the gang returns to the hotel and we get this flashback to the old days…and Scrappy Doo:

 

 

I hate to reuse quotes from the Nostalgia Critic, but this is just far too mean spirited.  Me?  I really didn’t give two shits about Scrappy in the animated series, but I feel this is far too harsh especially on Scooby’s part.  Who indeed was his caretaker.  Plus dog excrement jokes.  That’s something I don’t miss from the early 2000s.

 

Soon after that flashback, they are attacked by the island demons, who kidnap numerous tourists including Fred, Velma and Emile. The next day, Daphne is captured by Zarkos because we are still being spoon fed this awful damsel in distress persona, while Shaggy and Scooby discover Fred, Velma and the tourists are now possessed by the demons.

 

The two flee with Mary Jane, until Scooby realizes she is possessed as well. In the midst of an argument between Scooby and Shaggy, Scooby falls down a hole, followed by Shaggy, who dives in to save him. Shaggy comes across a cauldron containing the protoplasmic souls of everyone who was captured, including the rest of the gang, and releases the gangs' souls to their bodies. Velma discovers the demons are destroyed in sunlight, while Daphne and Fred's souls end up in the wrong bodies.

 

 

Once again, this is a kid’s movie?

 

Shaggy steals the Daemon Ritus and reunites with the gang after their souls correct themselves. Coming across Voodoo Maestro, the gang learns that if the leader of the demons absorbs a pure soul through the Daemon Ritus, then the demons shall rule the world for the next 10,000 years. The pure soul belongs to Scooby, while the demons' leader is Emile. The gang puts their differences aside and finally work together to save Scooby, due to Shaggy. They form a plan but it fails and Scooby's soul is extracted. Scooby is saved by Shaggy, wounding Emile in the attempt. Fred and Velma discover he is actually a robot, controlled by none other than Scooby's nephew, Scrappy-Doo.

 

 

Seriously, this is a massive slap in the face not only to the franchise, but common logic.  You force us that awful Scrappy segment only to justify the means to make him the villain because they couldn’t come up with a better one.  Not only does it not work in context, but it is just a general spit in the direction of Hanna-Barbera.  Scrappy Doo may have been unintentionally obnoxious, but if you are trying to parody the old cartoons by making it someone you never saw coming, you failed miserably.  Not only in tribute, but as a film maker. 

 

Now vengeful, Scrappy transforms into a giant demon to destroy the gang and rule the world using the tourists' souls he absorbed.  I’m not going to even bother mentioning how fugly he looks because I’ve already pointed out to death how disgusting it is.

 

Daphne fights Zarkos above the island's caves, knocking him through the roof, which exposes the demons to sunlight and kills them.  Thus ending this obnoxious subplot about Daphne being a damsel in distress.  Why it ever existed in the first place is beyond me when Shaggy was the one who always got captured in the cartoons. 

 

Shaggy confronts Scrappy and rips the Daemon Ritus from his chest, freeing the souls and reverting Scrappy to his original self. Shaggy finds the real Emile trapped in a hole and frees him. Scrappy and his minions are arrested. Daphne and Fred kiss, Shaggy and Mary-Jane hug along with Scooby, and Velma hugs a man she met earlier then punching him while laughing….wait….DAPHNE AND FRED KISSED!?

 

Not only was this shipping nonexistent in the cartoon, but it was non-existent in the film.  Not once did we get any sort of vibe that a possible relationship even existed.  I mean I get that there were shipping in the fanbase for years, but the only time I even came close to remotely seeing such a thing happen was in an episode of Mystery Incorporated that happened after the movie.  The chemistry in this film was nonexistent until this point which has to say something since Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar were married at this point IRL.

 

When Mystery Incorporated answer to the press, Velma thinks that Fred will take credit for her ideas again (which also happened at the start of the movie), however Fred lets Velma get the credit she deserves after feeling bad for her.  Oh hey look, Fred wasn’t a douche for a change.  Mystery Incorporated is then re-united after Scrappy-Doo and Zarkos are arrested.

 

At the end, it shows Scooby and Shaggy eating food at the Spooky Island hotel. They both eat hot peppers and scream as smoke comes out of the hotel.  And I want to scream in misery.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is just a cluttered, unfocused mess. The effects are horrible, the jokes fall flat, and the characters (except for Lillard who does a good Shaggy impersonation) aren't identifiable unless you watched the show. Even then, they're not that loyal to those characters.  It's incredible not only how much this movie misses the point and the ideas of the original show, but how many different moods it's trying to attack it with and how many of them don't work.  When a film is created SOLELY because it's a marketable product, soulless and ugly movies like this are the result. Let your silly childhood nostalgia slumber unmolested.  Plain and simple.

 

It just hurts me to see one of my favorite shows of all time ruined this badly.  Sometimes, fond memories should stay in the past: a lesson this film teaches all too well.  They would've gotten away with it if it weren't for that meddling director.  Raja Gosnell is one of the worst directors of all time.  Don’t believe me?  Take a look at his IMDB page:

 

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0331532/?ref_=tt_ov_dr

 

He is the same guy who fucked up The Smurfs, started the series of shitty Home Alone sequels, and is behind Alvin and the Chipmunks 4.  He’s always been a hack director and he will never change.  Stay the fuck away from Raja Gosnell films.  They aren’t worth the viewing time.  

[Metal Snake]

Strange thing is, as much I disliked the Scooby-Doo live-action movie when I was a kid, I watched some of it when Cartoon Network aired it not too long ago and actually enjoyed it. Hilarious review though.

[terminoob]

Are you kidding me? That movie is gold.

[NegiSpongie]

I actually really like this movie.

[Sweat]

Honestly, I found this movie okay. I can see why you hate it, though.

[Clappy]

Strange thing is, as much I disliked the Scooby-Doo live-action movie when I was a kid, I watched some of it when Cartoon Network aired it not too long ago and actually enjoyed it. Hilarious review though.

 

 

Are you kidding me? That movie is gold.

 

 

I actually really like this movie.

 

 

Honestly, I found this movie okay. I can see why you hate it, though.

 

Glad to see you all voicing your opinions.  I appreciate honesty when it comes to my movie critiques and if you disagree then I can respect that.

[Clappy]

This returns this weekend with something I've been promising to review for awhile now.

[CyanideFishbone]

Can't wait!

[Clappy]

So this is a week late, but you guys try writing a review like this in this format:

 

 

I hate this so much that I tried something special.  If you guys find this to be too cheesy for you, then I absolutely understand.  This is probably the worst Crap Cinema review I've ever written which is why I'm going to write another installment very soon.  Probably in the next week soon.  But I've been tempted to review this for quite some time since the original Crap Cinema run.  And of course since this is a Dr. Seuss adaptation, I figured I better review this in Seuss-ian format.  So without further ado, here comes the most pandering thing I've ever done for my loyal readers.  The Cat in the Hat review.  Rhyming style.

 

I am going to see The Cat in The Hat on the television screen.

 

For the first time in years, my friends who sat through this thought I was mean.

 

Universal, Dreamworks and Imagine Entertainment too

Have created this live action tale for me and you.

The story begins, with Sean Hayes as a germ-a-phobic boss

 

Kelly Preston, as a single-mom who is full of sauce.

Her two children , Sally (Dakota Fanning) an uptight girl

And Connor (Spencer Breslin) a boy who is always making a chaotic swirl.

All seems right until the moment that The Cat (Mike Myers) steps onto the scene.

Hes unfunny, painful and full of struggle to please me that fiend.

Ill wait says me. Ill wait and see.

Madlibbing is not Myers thing.

The Cat played a repertoire of characters from Austin Powers to the Cowardly Lion

With no zing.

He has no redeeming qualities, not a one.

This movie is anything but fun.

Alec Baldwin as Lawrence a neighbor bent on marrying the Mom.

He is looking for a military school for Connor, the son.

These two are not friends, I can claim.

Alec's character is quite lame.

Lawrence is sub-par toilet humor that makes me want to leave the theater sooner.

This sadness wont end, with the writing style of Berg, Schaffer and Mandel

Who I doubt have ever seen a pen.

They couldnt write a bank check says me,

They couldnt write it properly, the entire audience agrees.

I am disappointed, I am.

That Dr. Seusss beloved story has been made to offend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This review is my first,

because this movie is the worst.

I gave it one star,

but that's too many by far.

It's so very bad,

Dr. Seuss must be sad.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Enough of my lousy rhyming, this movie is the absolute epitome of why these Dr. Seuss adaptations should end.  It's fucking awful.  Yes Dr. Seuss has a built in audience and they can adapt every single last one, but none of these films work because they lack the passion that Dr. Seuss gave while writing these stories.  The studios just want to make money without putting any sort of effort into them.  These are stories that we are continuing to read even today. They're stories that we remember years later, even when other stories fade from our memory. They're stories that we'll never forget - and for good reason! They're stories that helped shape our childhoods, through well thought-out writing, imaginative drawings and endearing morals.

 

The Cat in the Hat is none of this.  This is just pandering bullshit.  Now to get rid of this awful review from your memory banks, sit back and watch Beans from Even Stevens hit The Cat in the nards.

 

[Cha]

Nothing says selling out than cheap innundeos in a movie meant for young children as well.

[Clappy]

Nothing says selling out than cheap innundeos in a movie meant for young children as well.

 

[Metal Snake]

Nice review, but...

 

Enough of my lousy rhyming, this movie is the absolute epitome of why these Dr. Seuss adaptations should end.  It's fucking awful.  Yes Dr. Seuss has a built in audience and they can adapt every single last one, but none of these films work because they lack the passion that Dr. Seuss gave while writing these stories. 

 

I disagree. I thought that the animated film of Horton Hears a Who was awesome and I like The Lorax movie from what I've seen of it.

[Clappy]

Nice review, but...

 

I disagree. I thought that the animated film of Horton Hears a Who was awesome and I like The Lorax movie from what I've seen of it.

I was never a fan of Horton Hears a Who as a book or a film.

 

The Lorax was ok, but it just lacked anything distinctive or memorable.  They played it far too safe to the point of making it a movie worth remembering.

[Doctor Sex]

If you're talking about the newer Lorax movie I thought it was awful I had to watch it in school.