Skodwarde

[Old Man Jenkins]

Neptune gives our heroes a minimum of ten days to retrieve his lost penis, but Patrick, being the bargainer that he is, narrows their days down to six ala Shanghaied. He would've settled for much lower but Scarlett flashed him her boobs in order to get him to stop. Spongebob and Patrick introduces Skodwarde to the Oscar Meyer's Weinermobile (we do product placement) which is basically this long schlong-looking vehicle. Despite not being a licensed driver and is practically a terrible driver in general, Spongebob knows how to drive dick (and that's one of our money tongue in cheek innuendos for this movie). They take to the open road with "Highway to Hell" jamming in the background. Skodwarde finds this to be Hell, indeed. They pull up to a gas station on the country line where a couple of hillbillies make fun of our trio and their Weinermobile. The hillbillies tell Spongebob that they won't last 10 seconds pass the country line, to which Spongebob and Patrick respond by literally crossing over the line and begin playing with each other (interpretation). Skodwarde, on the other hand, really hits things up with the hillbillies due to their shared neo-nazi and they begin bonding over some Hillbilly Handfishing. Meanwhile, the Weinermobile gets stolen by some poor guy who's been affected by the poor state of the economy, so much so that he's willing to jack a mobile penis in order to get a quick buck and a fuck. Spongebob and Patrick stop playing with each other and realize that the Weinermobile is gone but they're ecstatic at the fact that they lasted twelve seconds over the country line and they begin to shove it in those hicks' faces. Skodwarde bids farewell to fellow Klansmen as they continue their journey on foot.

After some nautical nonsense involving "KRUSTY KRAB PIZZA IS THE PIZZA ABSOTIVUH-LEEEEE!" and a pretty perverted game of "I Spy", our trio comes across the Weinermobile parked at a place called the "Push & Tug", which is basically The Salty Spittoon (or Suck & Blow, we've sorta lost canon on that) but for white supremacist sexual deviants. Spongebob has Patrick distract the thugs by working that pole like no one's business while he and Skodwarde retrieve the keys. The thugs are not amused by Patrick's homoerotic display due to the fact that he is pink, causing Spongebob to get his hands dirty in the process by going all Roadhouse on these neo-nazis by Roundhouse Kicking everyone as Skodwarde reads some more Mein Kampf and the Nazis in the theater audience cheer in approval. Spongebob and Patrick head to the bathroom to clean up where they come across the wonders of hand lotion and they proceed spot have some happy time (and in a public restroom, no less). Their sounds of ecstasy garners the attention of the Head Skinhead who, as the name suggests, is the leader of all the skinheads in the bar. He reminds everybody of the sacred rule of the club, "All Hand Lotion Babies Don't Deserve A Penis!" The Head Skinhead whips out a pair of hedge clippers in order to castrate the infidels and begins working that pole like no one's business to the tune of the Goofy Goober's theme song in order to draw out the slippery little buggers. Spongebob and Patrick must resist the urge to fap as Skodwarde is off flexing his buns and thighs (JAH BOONS UND TIES) to his fellow skinheads. Spongebob and Patrick are about to blow (ha) but are saved when the Siamese Twins (played by Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear respectively) beat each other off with some hand cream. The thugs begin beating the shit out of Jason Bourne and JFK as Skodwarde uses his god powers to swipe the key off the poor sap who was admiring his buns and thighs, revealing that that was his plan this entire scene. Spongebob proceeds to roundhouse kick their way out of the club and back to the sanctity of the Weinermobile, peeling off and burning rubber.

After what happened at the Push & Tug, Skodwarde states his displeasure for Spongebob and Patrick right to their faces over what has happened so far involving the Weinermobile and Push & Tug and he calls them a couple of pussies before teleporting back to Bikini Bottom to leave the duo to fend for themselves, caring less about what becomes of Mr. Krabs since he's a prick anyway. Meanwhile deep within the confines of my anus- wait a second, this isn't the chat box! Back in Bikini Bottom, with Krabs incapacitated, Plankton furthers his Plan Z by stealing the Krabby Patty secret formula. Since no one was there to shout out "Plankton no swiping" three times fast, the minuscule menace swiped it with ease before stupidly tossing it off-screen to be lost in the confines of background props. After some right clicking, Plankton retrieves the formula once again. He renames it the "Cum Pao Chicken" and it begins selling like hotcakes with sausage, booming up business for the Cum Bucket. He starts giving out free condoms to go with the meals, which is sending the wrong message to children but fuck, it's the Skodwarde Movie. Plankton is fully aware of Spongebob, Patrick and Skodwarde's journey to find Neptune's elusive penis so he gets some hired help from none other than Alec Baldwin, played by himself. Plankton tells him that had it been a few days ago, we would've just settled for any of the other Baldwin brothers since they're desperate for work and are cheaper to come by, but he now owns the best fast food chain in Bikini Bottom so he only settles for the best, which is why he's hiring Alec. Alec begins chastising Plankton for interrupting his game of Words With Friends with this phone call but is open to hearing what Plankton has to offer. Plankton offers him *pinky up* ONE MILLION DOLLARS and a chance to kill somebody who claims to be a god. This angers the most successful Baldwin Brother, who begins going on a tirade about the various violent, lewd, and inhumane things he'll do to Spongebob, Skodwarde and Patrick. He also takes time to tell Plankton his qualifications.

Alec Baldwin: I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am a board certified love doctor in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn't sleep with another man or that their daughter doesn't bleed to death from her first period or that their mother doesn't suffer acute neural trama from a really mean orgasm, who do you think they're praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, Sheldon, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might get lucky with that slut on the street corner, but if you're looking for God, he was in Studio 6A on November 17, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God.

And with that, that guy from Beetlejuice goes on the manhunt for Skodwarde, Spongebob and Patrick. Skodwarde arrives back in a town a day later after some more Hillbilly Handfishing and he notices that everyone in town are all using Planton's Cum Condoms instead of the Best Condoms In Town or the Best Condoms Around. Some loose broad tells Skodwarde that Plankton is giving them away for free with the Cum Pao Chicken at the Cum Bucket. Skodwarde, sensing a disturbance in the force, goes to the Cum Bucket to investigate. Skodwarde uses his god powers to deduce that Plankton was behind the theft of King Neptune's penis in order to separate the Krusty Krew to get to the Secret Formula. After being cursed and foiled again, Plankton reveals that this is all apart of the plan. Unimpressed, Skodwarde begins to use his god powers to to take down Plankton but the minuscule menace activates the mind control module in the Cum Condoms and everyone and their mothers who were having sex at the time all flock over to the Cum Bucket to hold back Skodwarde. Skodwarde fires some pew pew eye lazors but is overwhelmed by the sexually active Bikini Bottom populace. They hold Skodwarde in place as Plankton takes out a vibrator that he created especially for Skodwarde. He has his mindless drones shove it up Skodwarde nice and tight as it begins siphoning the power out of Skodwarde. They yank it out, tearing Skodwarde a new one in the process, and Plankton commands them insert the vibrator up his small, narrow bunghole. After some hard time pinpointing the location, they do just that and Plankton absorbs all of Skodwarde's god powers. He's all like "THE WORLD IS MINE TO COMMAND! TO CONTROOOOOLLL!!" as he displays his newly acquired god powers by rearranging the cosmos to look like himself. Plankton goes Jafar on Skodwarde's ass by breaking into a snappy song before blasting Skodwarde off on his way to the ends of the earth whoopee! Ex-prince AAAAALIIII! The skies darken as Plankton begins going mad with god power as Bikini Bottom becomes his oyster.

Meanwhile, Alec Baldwin is on the warpath as the Happy Song by The Poets of The Fall jam in the background. Having killed the two guys from Hillbilly Handfishing and subjecting their hick families and crew to venture into the swamp and get eaten by a bunch of saltwater crocodiles in an ironic cruel twist of fate. Alec later rests at the Push & Tug and is harassed by the Head Skinhead, who interrupts his sporting game of Words With Friends. And this is the last we'll hear of the Push & Tug crew...ever. Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, Spongebob and Patrick are still laughing like idiots about their victory at the Push & Tug. They say that "Skodwarde's such a jerk" as they come across a stray ice cream truck being driven by a questionable Old Man Jenkins. Jenky offers them some "iced cream to go with their hotdogs" and Spongebob and Patrick innocently take his offer. The old man starts getting restless and invites them to venture into his truck since he has "more flavors" in the back. Spongebob and Patrick rightfully yells out "stranger danger" as they retreat to their Weinermobile and Jenkins tails them in his ice cream truck. After a perverted high-speed chase, the Weinermobile and the ice cream swerve off a cliff and down a deep trench. They hit rock bottom (no, not Rock Bottom) and before Old Man Jenkins can have his way with our two immature heroes, a large sea monster swallows him up (which should help to explain my departure from Skodwarde) Before the monster can eat out Spongebob and Patrick, Skodwarde comes soaring down and knocks the monster out with all his force, inadvertently saving Spongebob and Patrick from a cruel fate. Skodwarde explains to them the dire situation going on at Bikini Bottom, saying that he feels like he's lost his manhood now that he has no god powers, putting him on the same emasculate boat as Spongebob and Patrick.

They discover the horrors that surrounds this trench and are all scared shitless for their lives moving forward. They all decide to give up and admit they're nothing but a bunch of man-children. They make a plan to move to a new town, grow pedo mustaches, change their names to Ben Dover, Mike Hawk and Mike Hunt respectively before eloping and living happily ever after. Before they can go through with this game plan, Scarlett Johansson arrives in skin-tight black latex to show them what has happened to Bikini Bottom in their absence. The economy of the city is booming, tourism is on the rise, test scores are going up, unemployment is dropping, overall morale is at an all-time high, King Neptune is on his death bed due to his lack of penis and the frozen Krabs is being used as a sex doll for Plankton's pleasures. Our trio is unaffected by this until Scarlett shows Spongebob how Plankton has adopted Gary as his pet, thus making his role as an evil mastermind come full circle, and how he's using Sandy to give him small hand jobs. Scarlett shows Skodwarde how Plankton has used his god powers to wipe the Nazis out of the history books and she simply shows Patrick her tits in order to light a fire under his ass. To further motivate them, she fashions them those pedo mustaches they were planning on growing earlier out of her pubic hairs. Feeling empowered by their newly acquired facial hair, Skodwarde, Spongebob and Patrick set out to continue their quest to become Pokemon Masters by winning the Penis Badge in Shell City. Our trio sets off beyond the Mysterious Beyond as "Carry On" by Freedom Call rocks on in the background as Scarlett breaks things off with Sean Penn, seeing something special in Patrick.


And with that Wumbo can wrap this baby up.

[Clappy]

Dear god yes! Awesome second part OMJ!

[Wumbo]

So with their pedo 'staches, no monster dares touch the trio of Skodwarde, SpongeBob, and Patrick. After some hijinx in the monster pit involving hamboning (heehee, "bone"), SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Skod make it out alive and well. Just then, the three run into Alec Baldwin. However, none of them are worried because they have their 'staches. That is, until Baldwin rips them off in a Kim Basinger-induced rage. He shows them how to grow some pubic hair, and after scarring them for life (except Skodwarde, because he's seen it all, man), he prepares to stomp on them with spiky cleats (which we've never seen before). Just then, Bigger Booty (played by Jennifer Lopez) stomps Baldwin before he can stomp the trio. SpongeBob and Patrick sing the praises of Bigger Booty, but Skodwarde is upset that Booty is stealing his thunder, and thus creates plague upon plague in rage (in his mind, anyway, given that his god powers are gone). Bigger Booty has had enough of this shit and takes the three to her "gift shop".

After a night of bootylicious orgasms, google eyes, and "glue" (we'll let them retain their dignity just once), Skodwarde is disillusioned. For he had always thought that no one could best him at the game of sex. In a shocking turn of events, he decides to give up winning back his god powers for good, much to the shock of SpongeBob, Patrick, and all the nazis in the theater. Proclaiming "That's the end of Skodwarde!" they all promptly commit suicide. But the movie does not end! God (played by Morgan Freeman) comes to give an epiphany to Skodwarde, telling him that all the gods can live harmoniously, and that there is no need to give up the search for his powers. Soothed by God's relaxing voice (it's fucking Morgan Freeman, people), Skodwarde decides that his god powers are too special to give up. With the help of SpongeBob, Patrick, and JCM in a cameo, Skodwarde defeats Bigger Booty and earns new god powers. Oh yeah, and it turns out that the penis is there too. Go figure.

With a king's penis and a confident Skodwarde, the gang is ready to return to Bikini Bottom to SAVE THA WORLD. SpongeBob asks Patrick if he knows how to use the crystal meth. Skodwarde's then all like, "bitch, please" and snorts it all, raising his god powers tenfold. Using his newfound god powers, he propels SpongeBob and Patrick home. But before they make it, Bigger Booty and Alec Baldwin have teamed up for some sweet revenge against the trio. SpongeBob uses his vibrator of doom to distract Bigger Booty, and Patrick takes a cue from Scarlett, flashing Baldwin his Balls-win. Horrified by the terrible pun, Baldwin retreats, and Bigger Booty goes off to play with SpongeBob's vibrator.

What's happening during all this? Well, King Neptune and Scarlett are arguing over whether Scarlett is Joseph Stalin for some reason. Finally, Neptune has had enough and decides to burn Krabs once and for all. Plankton is also there to watch. I think it's some sort of sick fetish or something. But before he can fry the Krabs, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Skodwarde burst in with the penis. Plankton's all like "oh HELL naw" and slaps a Cum Condom onto Neptune's royal dick. Suddenly, Neptune is in Plankton's control. Basically, he's now Plankton's bitch. Just as he is about to annihilate the trio, SpongeBob realizes that there may never be another time to fulfill his lifelong goal. Out of the blue, he shouts, "THIS SONG IS DEDICATED TO GOOFY GOOBER", and breaks into his rendition of

The rendition is so good that Plankton's condoms fall off of everybody and they start singing the praises of sexy, sexy SpongeBob. Plankton is taken to jail, Mr. Krabs promotes SpongeBob to manager, and Skodwarde decides to hit the hay, but not before reading his beloved book, Mein Kampf.

David Hasselhoff runs down the beach, reminiscing over his Baywatch days. He then thinks, "Hey, I could get back into that," and decides to singlehandedly bring back Baywatch. He then considers that he may need a certain sponge. He calls on Elaine Benes (played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus) to dive into the ocean and determine which one is sponge-worthy. Elaine returns with Harold SquarePants, but unfortunately Claire has come along for the ride. She says "GET AWAY FROM MAH MAN" while Harold appears somewhat reserved. And on that note, the story ends. Yes, they are all idiots, aren't they?

[Old Man Jenkins]

We all deserve some spanks, men! The movie is a critical and financial success (well, to me)! At least better than Battleship. Should take this time to say that since my OMJ spin-off has been shelved due to issues mentioned in my Sharing Time, I'll return to write more Skodwarde for at least seasons 4 & 5 since that's about as much as Netflix offers me to stream and I'm to cheap and lazy to buy DVDs or look episodes up on the internet somewhere.

[Jjs Goodman]

Just watch out for those Skodalgics' complaints.

[Steel Sponge]

What's the movie's approval rating on Spoiled Lettuce?

[TJ]

Lol Steel .

Good movie guys .

[Clappy]

What's the movie's approval rating on Spoiled Lettuce?

69% Fresh.

Anywho, let me be the second to congratulate the rest of the Skod crew on an awesome movie. Who cares what the critics say, this movie was amazing.

Also, let me be the first to start up Season 4. I'm currently working on the premiere and hope to have it up either today or tomorrow. Bring on the Skodstalgics.

[Wumbo]

I'l'l jump in as the third. Good work, gentlemen. Now, as Clappy said, comes the post-classic era.

[Jjs Goodman]

If you guys have any new writer spots open, I wouldn't mind joining (or guest writes).

[Old Man Jenkins]

Yeah, we can have a foursome and be COCKMATES

[Clappy]

Ladies and gentlemen, may the post Skodwarde movie episodes begin.

61a. Fear of Sexual Stimulation

Mr. Krabs finishes painting a sign that says that the Krusty Krab is changing into a brothel and is open from 6:00 am to 11:00 pm. Despite being paid to fuck, Skodwarde is furious about the time change and SpongeBob is furious too, but only because he wants to start wanking it earlier. Krabs sees Plankton's sign on the Cum Bucket that says 'Cum Bucket open 23 hours, only because Plankton can’t miss his favorite soap opera Genital Hospital'. Mr. Krabs decides to take this opportunity and make the Krusty Krab a 24 hour open brothel. When Skodwarde hears it, he complains but SpongeBob creams his pants in excitement. Mr. Krabs rings a bell and announces the number day it is of the non-stop service each day.

Days later, Plankton calls and orders a thousand ounces of semen. Each day SpongeBob keeps masturbating and adding his semen to the container. As the days go on different scenes fly across the screen involving SpongeBob masturbating, Mr. Krabs ringing the bell, Skodwarde smoking weed so the sex can last longer and even including Old Man Jenkins saying "I just came." SpongeBob can't masturbate no more and begins to think that everyone is a pornstar as he keeps seeing every male character as Ron Jeremy (as himself) and every female character as Rebecca Love (as herself....with both of her humongous tits being voiced by those two girls from Shake it Up…seriously…they are so huge that they could be mistaken as actual people…well to me at least).

Anyway, Mr. Krabs tells SpongeBob to see a psychiatrist. SpongeBob goes to the Cum Bucket because it says 'Dr. P. Enis: Masturbator Psychiatrist, specializing in chronic masturbation phobias'. Plankton tries to make SpongeBob cum and repeat the Krabby Patty formula, but just like all classic cartoon comedies, they end with Plankton getting hit by a piano. Finally, Plankton hypnotizes SpongeBob and tries to make the Krabby Patty formula cum out when he wakes up. However, SpongeBob doesn't jizz when Plankton tells him to.

SpongeBob is dreaming about fucking Patrick. After a round of anal sex, Patrick gives SpongeBob an angry dragon (look it up on Google…if you dare). SpongeBob is not scared of masturbating anymore. He wakes up, thanks Dr. P. Enis and runs to the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs tells SpongeBob that the Krusty Krab is being converted back to just a restaurant and will be open for 23 hours. After that, Skodwarde takes the whores back to his place and spend the night doing acid and…watching Heavy Metal…and here you think they were going to do something dirty.

SN: The Skod Crew is not responsible for any of the following images you, the reader, decide to look up on Google or Google Image with the safe search off.

61b. Hell of a Man

In the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob is making Number Sixty Nine's order, and when he is finished, he gives it to Skodwarde so that he can give it to the sixty ninth customer. The sixty ninth customer is revealed to be SpongeBob, who grabs the order, and eats it. Meanwhile, outside the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs calls SpongeBob to go to his 'Hiney Hole', where he keeps his old Navy stuff in a treasure chest. They drag it into Mr. Krabs' office. Mr. Krabs tells SpongeBob about the Navy reunion and also tells him about his old Navy buddies: Iron Balls, Mutton Scrotum, Lockjizz Jones, and Torpedo Penis and Krabs nickname "Armor Ass Krabs". After he has heard all about the Navy, SpongeBob goes to the kitchen to get it in "shitshape." After a few minutes, he makes a perfect Krabby Patty as Skodwarde finds him delusional for giving drill sergeant orders to food. Meanwhile, Mr. Krabs molts his shell, leaving him fat, pink, and fleshy. With his exoskeleton still intact, he puts SpongeBob in it and tells him to go to the reunion, and takes Mr. Krabs' identity.

When he gets there, he almost reveals his identity by telling a penis-blowing story. So he goes to leave, but an old Navy friend of Mr. Krabs, Torpedo Penis, wants to do an anal-slam, to test if he still has "armor ass". When he butt fucks SpongeBob, he flies around the room, cracking the exoskeleton, revealing SpongeBob. When they get angry, the real Mr. Krabs pops out (he was watching from afar the whole time) and exposes himself. He then talks about how he is still the same person even though he is the fleshy fat crab he is now. Mutton Scrotum gives him a "Manly Toughness Trophy" which is a reward at the reunion that Krabs mostly wins, for admitting he lost his shell. It then turns out everyone has had a drastic change of themselves. Torpedo Penis had his torpedo penis removed. Iron Balls balls are now copper. Lockjizz Jones had a vasectomy. Mr. Krabs is still fleshy, pink, and fat, but he tells SpongeBob that his shell will grow back.

Skodwarde meanwhile takes this time to research how a simple Jon Lovitz cartoon like The Critic spawned into such a popular meme.

[Clappy]

Sorry Skod fans, but I got called into work today, so I only have 62a written up at the moment. 62b will arrive tomorrow (or today depending on your time location). BrOMJ, feel free to post 63 if you want. In the mean time, enjoy this guest star filled episode.

62a. The Lost Mattress

Mr. Krabs is very cranky and has thrown out his back after going multiple rounds with Puff Mama on his old, lumpy mattress. SpongeBob suggests that he and Skodwarde buy Mr, Krabs a new mattress, but Skodwarde would rather go figure out the mystery behind the popularity of The Critic, so Patrick joins SpongeBob in buying a new mattress instead. The two go to a massive mattress emporium, where they go on a montage of fucking each other on every mattress as the salesfish wanks to it, until they find the perfect one. The duo make a card for him, which Skodwarde uses his god powers to steal and give himself full credit for the gift in exchange for some drugs.

The next night, the trio surprise Mr. Krabs with his new mattress, and when they tell him that they threw away his old one, he is furious, revealing that all of his drug money was in the mattress. Krabs then goes into a "Cash Coma", and ends up at Weenie Hut General, where Dr. House (guest starring again Hugh Laurie) explains that only the return of his money can save his life. Skodwarde insists that it was SpongeBob's fault, but police officer Ponch from CHiPs (guest star Erik Estrada) shows him the card, which states that Skodwarde is solely responsible. Ponch says that if Krabs dies, Skodwarde will be charged for his death and sent to jail. Skodwarde was beginning to give SpongeBob a death threat but Ponch gave him his famous stare as Skodwarde stopped in his tracks. Skodwarde, SpongeBob and Patrick go to the dump to retrieve the mattress, only to find that there is a vicious guard worm sleeping on top of it.

Meanwhile, Dr. House realizes that Mr. Krabs has no insurance and cannot afford his hospital room. Using his “Doesn’t Play by the Rules” thought process, he move him into the hallway in front of the vending machines. Skodwarde tells SpongeBob and Patrick to go inside and get the mattress, but they end up overturning the fence, trapping Skodwarde inside with the worm. At the hospital, Dr. House "surgically removes" Mr. Krabs from the building and leaves him on the sidewalk in order to get to a "Nutty nut bar". Skodwarde then devises another plan, where SpongeBob and Patrick distract the worm while he retrieves the mattress. The worm becomes obedient to SpongeBob when he sees a vibrator he is holding up. SpongeBob throws the vibrator towards Skodwarde for the worm to fetch. Skodwarde picks up the vibrator and puts in his pocket for later, but Skodwarde is subsequently raped by the worm.

At the hospital, Administrator Doug Ross (guest star George Clooney...yes he was never an administrator on E.R., but this is Skodwarde and we love our guest stars) is outraged that Dr. House left Mr. Krabs outside. Dr. House uses his crazed thought process and decides to push Krabs down the hill. Next, Skodwarde has SpongeBob and Patrick dress as "bananas" so that the worm will eat them, telling them that they are in costumes, and that when the worm sees them he will realize that it is “peanut butter jelly time” and leave to get a baseball bat since the worm knows the meme (which is obviously false).

Suddenly, Mr. Krabs rolls into the dump and lands on his old mattress, reviving him. He effortlessly throws the worm aside, which lands in Skodwarde's arms. Tired of the Skod abuse and the possible Skodstalgic post movie backlash, Skodwarde uses his god powers to obliterate the worm like he should have long ago, but time constraints forbade him to do so. He then retrieves his drugs from Krabs and trips out on cocaine in a Hard Rock Café bathroom with Bruno Mars (guest starring as himself).

[Clappy]

62b. Krabs vs Plankton vs Skodwarde

A depressed Plankton unconfidently goes to the Krusty Krab one morning without a plan to steal the formula, telling Karen that he will "fuck it." When he goes inside, he gets t-bagged by Mr. Krabs. Two on-looking customers comment that this is an example of sexual harassment in the workplace and that they would sue Krabs if that happened to them. Plankton then pretends to be emotionally scared, and threatens to sue unless Mr. Krabs gives him the formula, but Krabs obviously refuses.

Fearing that he will lose the case, Mr. Krabs hires Perry Mason (yep, we are going vintage law dramas Skod fans) who tells him that he won't charge him anything unless they win and that they will countersue Plankton for everything he owns. Mr. Krabs creams his pants at the thought of that. Later, in Mr. Krabs' office, SpongeBob wants to read his testimony speech to Mr. Krabs. However, Mr. Krabs tells SpongeBob he could be a liability. As they prepare to leave for the court hearing, Perry Mason gets a call saying that he has a more important client to serve and that Krabs is out of luck. He gives SpongeBob his briefcase, saying, "The one thing you need to win this case is in this here case." SpongeBob takes Perry Mason's suit and arrives late to the hearing, dubbing himself "The Good Wife." When the first witness takes the stand, however, SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs realize that Perry Mason didn't give him the lock combination for the suitcase.

Plankton comes to court in the iron butt earning the sympathy of the jury. Meanwhile, SpongeBob desperately attempts to open the case, but to no avail. Plankon uses the fact that Krabs does have a giant dick and that his dick tore him up leaving him in the iron butt, while SpongeBob only demonstrates Krabs' unhealthy practices in his attempts to defend him, accuses Plankton of being a fake, but the courtroom goes against Krabs. He then calls Skodwarde to the stand, but Skodwarde testifies against Mr. Krabs, saying that this is his only day off in three years and he has better things planned as he leaves the courtroom.

Mr. Krabs tells SpongeBob to give up, but SpongeBob gives a short sermon telling him that they can't quit now. When he finishes, he hits the case lightly and it opens. They peer inside, only to find a Krabby Patty. Realizing that they can win the lawsuit with this, SpongeBob calls Plankton to the stand and seduces him with the Krabby Patty, eventually getting him to confess. Plankton then jizzes all over himself and starts humping the Krabby Patty, but is quickly stopped. The jury goes into deliberation, but suddenly Perry Mason comes back into the courtroom with Skodwarde. Skodwarde sues both Mr. Krabs and Plankton for the lack of screen time on his show. Skodwarde uses his god powers to sway the judge and the jury onto his side as Skodwarde wins the lawsuit and takes Krabs and Plankton for everything they own. Skodwarde then sells all of Krabs and Plankton’s possessions on Amazon and purchases a new home entertainment center as he continues to watch The Critic as he still tries to figure out why Jon Lovitz’s show has spawned into a meme.

[Old Man Jenkins]

German Narrator: Patchy ze Pedo Prezuntz!

The door to Patchy's home opens, with a stop-motion Patchy lounging on the love couch applying some hand lotion.

Patchy: A BOY!?! It's a Skodwarde Special! *raepface*

Since statistics show that nobody loves Patchy, the Skod crew decided to cut his budget exponentially and kept the opening skit short, sweet and to the point. Rejoice, Skodalgics. That's right, Skod faithful. Only three episodes into our fourth season and we already have a half-hour special on our hands. It's a hit or miss at this point. Interpret that as you may. Let's pry this baby open!

63. Have You Seen This, Bitch?

One day, Spongebob was walking home carrying a heavy load of Snailagra for his pet, Gary, who needs a little alpha male enhancement if he wants to break into some shells around the neighborhood. Patrick, who casually leans against his rock whenever school gets out, greets Spongebob with a "Yo". Spongebob greets him back but bitches days on end about how he has to carry this heavy load of Snailagra all the way home even though he's like ten feet from his house. Patrick says he wouldn't be having this problem if he just got his license. Spongebob tells Patrick about the time he probed him during a driving test and Patrick shoots back that if Spongebob didn't pussied out, he wouldn't be in this predicament. After about ten minutes of this nautical nonsense, Patrick realizes he had something to tell Spongebob but Spongebob had already up and left to his house, causing Patrick to trip out and ponder as to why he was arguing with a piece of cheese. Sponge hauls his load of natural snail enhancement to his front door and plops it on the ground without a care. He notices a tiny form letter taped to his door. Spongebob is offended that they refer to him as "Sir or Madam" but can you blame them? The letter is from the Untied Delivery Service, which sounds very promising, about how they apologize that Spongebob's package hasn't grown in yet (and that's your tongue in cheek innuendo for this episode) and that they'll get it to him ASAP. The package then conveniently gets delivered right then and there and Spongebob jizzed in excitement. Spongebob left the Snailagra on the doorstep and ripped into that package like a kid on Christmas morning to reveal a box full of Playkoi. The box says that it's all apart of "The Beat-Off Challenge" in which the participants must fap 69,069,069,069,069 (we're just killing it) times non-stop. Spongebob boldly accepts the challenge and gets right to work on the January issue and faps 1.9 seconds in. Meanwhile, Skodwarde receives the Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy Paddleball Challenge distributed by Nickelodeon Productions (yup, we kiss ass like that), wondering what happened to his Playkoi subscriptions. Skodwarde decides to take it up with the postal service but decides to use his god powers to play some paddleball in the meantime.

Spongebob continues his challenge, hurting himself due to the overexertion from his countless beat sessions. The little square dude has no hope of completing the challenge but just says "Damn it" before starting all over again. Gary is back from knocking upnall the neighborhood snails and plans to recharge. He puts on a white speedo and awaits his natural snail enhancement, but Spongebob is too busy playing with himself to give Gary piece of mind. Gary checks his watch and his eyes widen as notices that he's wasting some valuable sexytiems. He meows at Spongebob, who notices that that annoying sound is coming from Gary. He rolls up some newspapers and whacks Gary to Kingdom Cum for his insolence, saying that Miss March needs him! After some nautical nonsense ivolving meowing, interruptions and hyperextended genitals, Spongebob proceeds to sound off on Gary about how Gary doesn't want him to "beat the Beat-Off Challenge!" and how this is the closest he gets to a real sexual experience in his whole life or some shit like that. He whips Gary around some more before Gary jumps up and humps Spongebob's face. Spongebob yanks him off and scolds Gary that despite how much he likes it when Gary does that, it's the farthest thing from his mind right now. Feeling heartbroken at his neglect and insecure about his libido, Gary decides to run away, far away. Away from this place. Like the Skodalgics might be doing right now if they haven't already. Right as he's about to leave the kitchen, Spongebob's all like "Hey!" causing Gary to rush back in joy until he hears Spongebob say "This is quite the centerfold! I can beat plenty to this in a hot minute or two!" Disheartened once again, he literally goes Away (as it says on the street sign). He floats downriver on a makeshift raft as the Bananas In Pajamas come marching down the stairs. He then hitches a ride on the bus and jus like that, a common household pet is let on unattended on a public transport vehicle.

The next morning, Patrick wakes up, scratch his balls and downs a whole bottle of whiskey before consuming the bottle whole. He leans against his rock again as the school kids make their ways toward school for about twenty minutes before strolling along to the Squarepants residence. He says that he hasn't seen Spongebob in a couple of days but should be glad to know that he finally figured out what he previously wanted to tell him. He knocks on the door but notices that something is amiss. He looks down at the package of Snailagra and says to himself that he "usually knocks the door with my left hand, my fap hand." He let's himself like usually does and helps himself to just about everything like usually does, as well. After clearing out the cupboards, he searches the house for Spongebob and barges into his man cave, interrupting his non-stop beat session. Patrick is appalled at his conditions, immediately pointing out that his dildo is in crooked before fixing it himself. Spongebob's eyes are bloodshot and he's lying in a pool of his own semen and drool. Patrick tries to snap him out of his ecstasy-induced catatonic state. Patrick performs mouth-to-mouth for about five hours straight before resuscitating the playful sponge back amongst the land of the living. Spongebob tells him that he tried to complete the the Beat-Off Challenge. Patrick nearly has a heart attack that doesn't stem from his morbid obesity. Spongebob asks him what's wrong and Patrick replies that many years ago in a galaxy far, far away...HE TOOK THAT CHALLENGE! He tells Spongebob that he won but he lost the congratulatory crunk cup they sent him, giving us no real reason to actually believe Patrick's bullshit and retconning the events of Big Pink Asshole in the process. Patrick has a mental breakdown but promises of brownies and vodka easily brings him peace of mind. Spongebob comments that those two things help the calm the nerves when he loses something (haha irony).

Spongebob notices he's forgetting about something and snaps his fingers when he realizes that he almost forgot about his dildo for their conjugal later on in the day. Patrick mentions he came across a box of Snailagra on his doorstep earlier, making Spongebob realize he's forgotten all about Gary. He heads out to retrieve the box and takes note that it has accumulated an abundance of dust in "just a few hours". He takes it inside And calls Gary over but gets no response. He asks Patrick how long he's been taking the Beat-Off Challenge to which Patrick replies about a week. Spongebob wants Patrick to clarify, prompting Patrick to take a clump of Spongebob's dried up semen from the puddle and proceeds to take an unusually long timemconsuming it in order to determine just how old and dry the jizz is (Skodalgocs, eat your hearts out). He then clarifies his point that it has indeed been a week, ten days tops. Spongebob starts going mental, scouring the place for his lost snail by checking under the bed, in the cupboards, in the "torture chamber", his leather and lace room, even going so far as to crack each individual egg in the egg carton. Patrick has fallen asleep from all the brownies and dried up jizz at this point but Spongebob slaps him around and tells him that he can't find Gary to which Patrick responds, "Maybe a dingo ate your Gary."

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Gary is out in some wasteland dying of hunger and keeps finding himself falling prey to some Wile E. Coyote Worm, dodging some falling rocks and various trademarked items you can find at an As Seen On TV Store before beeping the Worm off. Interpret that as you may, as well. Back in Bikini Bottom, Spongebob tries to lure Gary out with some Snail-PO, but Patrick had already ate it all. Spongebob asked him "why'd you eat Snail-PO?" and Patrick replies "you really wanna go through this again?" The snail enhancement goes straight to his libido, providing them with a soothing sound to lure Gary over whenever Patrick shakes his balls. They head outside and cause quite a ruckus, enough to distract Skodwarde from being busy playing with himself in his tub (by playing with the paddleball, people. Not his hooha). Skodwarde continues badmouthing them behind their backs until they come crashing through his bathroom door. Skodwarde spends a good twenty seconds being unphased by this. They proceed to flip the place over and cause some pretty bad property damage, but as usual, they're never held accountable and Mrs. Puff finds herself dropping the soap in their place. Patrick tells Spongebob there's one place left to check that no Bikini Bottomites dare to check; the mail. After sifting through the anemone porn subscriptions and spam, they come across a letter from Gary himself but it's no use since snails can't write for shit. Spongebob laments over what pain he's caused his beloved pet as Patrick brings up the events of Dumped, inciting another petty argument.

Gary reaches what looks like Bangkok's abusive father. He crawls the lonely streets and even watches as a prostitute performs fellatio on the "My Leg!" guy. Yeah, he's here too, apparently but the joke here writes itself. A guy offers to help Gary "feel boss" for five dollars but Gary doesn't need to feel boss to be boss. Gary tries to eat some nachos but is (sexually) harassed by a bunch of stray, fugly-looking snails, asking him if he "wanted to use protection?" This scares Gary off as the others snails are all like, "Guess he didn't want our help, punk ass bitch." Gary takes a left and then BAM! There's a huge shadow figure with claws for hands reaching out for him! But it ended up being Betty White making a guest appearance playing that same character she always plays in roles like these, that sweet old lady with some spunk or something along those blurred lines. She confuses Gary for a "Mrs. Nesbitt" apparently not feeling Gary's junk as she picked him up, I suppose. She says that she feels lighter than she last remembers, but reassures him that "we'll fix that." and you can only just imagine Betty White doing her best rapeface at this point. She takes him back home and and gives him a dildo saying that Mrs. Nesbitt likes it when her Mr. Meaty is applied in extra cozy. Haha, Betty White with a dildo. She notices that he's almost out of cocaine and goes straight to her meth lab to get him some more. Gary takes in his surroundings and even notices a nice little picture of Betty White with a bunch of snails. What a sweet lady. She lines the coke up and goes to play some music on her sweet stereo system which turns out to be a record player. It plays "Baby Got Back" and Betty white comments on how it reminds her of her days as a Golden Girl and says that "Grandma knows how to drop it like it's hot" and she does. Just let the mental images flow in. She tells Gary how he makes her feel so young and picks him up so that they can do the "Boogie Woogie". She throws him to the ground but before she can get into position, she throws out her pelvis and says "that's quite enough of the boogie woogie for now." Meanwhile, Spongebob is out on the streets looking for Gary alone because Patrick needs to defend his title of being the only person in Bikini Bottom who does nothing longer than anyone else but enough of that, back to Betty White!

Betty and Gary are watching some Hotel Erotica on Cinemax (or is it HBO?), saying she knows how Mrs. Nesbitt loves these "late night crime drama programs." Okay. She notices how late it's gotten, 7:30 p.m., and says that it's time for sleep. Gary gets into a pissing match with a picture of Spongebob he brought along with him before giving Spongebob some tongue and joining his new owner. Betty shows him his new room, which is almost like newborn's nursery. I don't know about you, but me thinks Betty's got problems. She tucks him in and gives him a big, slobbery, messy good night kiss. The next morning, Spongebob drags himself to work in a bad way. Mr. Krabs gets on his case for being 2 minutes late. Spongebob begins telling him about his plight but Krabs says something about Spongebob seems different. He snaps his claws and sticks a dildo in one of Spongebob's hole, saying that wasn't hard to figure out before Ar Ar Arring off. Spongebob is put to work and an angry customer demands a refund, saying her patty is covered in...SEMEN! Krabs confronts Spongebob and gives him some pretty advice, prompting Spongebob to tell Eugene to go fuck himself because that's basically all this scene was conveying. Spongebob awakens Patrick, who fell asleep while he was leaning up against his rock again, by throwing a bunch of office supplies and sex toys at him. Patricks says that his dream came true until Spongebob tells him that we have work to do! They have that belated conjugal to get things started. Back at the White residence, Betty feeds Gary breakfast by giving him some fresh milk, straight from her titties as a self-proclaimed "labor of love" (sounds like a date show on VH1. Remember those?). She asks Gary if he wants some whipped cream on those pancakes and her breasts covers those, as well. They go out to do some errands (errands errands errands) and get into Betty's Ferrari. She tell Gary to "shift into Turbo" and that makes our first Power Rangers reference, from Betty White of all people. They head to the Martha Stewart Show (she's still alive?) and pick up every scented pinecone they have in stock. Conveniently, Spongebob and Patrick are there too putting up signs and posters for Gary. Patrick takes note of the sale on scented pinecones and nearly jizzed himself as he heads inside to buy some for whatever reason hey may or may not have. He inquires Betty about the pinecones but she snidely tells him to "buzz off, buster!" and tells him she has all the scented pinecones. He asks her if she can't even spare one cone and she replies that she has no cones to spare. Patrick leaves, disappointed and unfulfilled, and bids farewell to Gary. Being the idiot that he is, he messes up all of Spongebob's signs as he made his way out and fails to tell Spongebob about his encounter with Gary. And cue the musical montage by special guest, Art Garfunkel, culminating in Spongebob and Patrick ruining a steady relationship and them once again nosediving into Old Man Jenkin's marijuana patch.

Once all that nonsense is dealt with, Betty takes Gary back to their house and gives him a bunch of flyers some fat pink punk gave her to go shit on. Gary notices that these are Spongebob's flyers, assured of it because he spelt "sorree" wrong. Dumbass. Gary decides to make a break for it with imaginary Spongebob cheering him on, but the door he opens only leads to a room full of hollowed shells of lies, of lies and deceit as the hollowed shells of old pet snails come tumbling down on him. See, Betty White doesn't ALWAYS recycle the same character for each of her guest appearances. Horrified at this sight, Gary opts to leave even more. Betty comes back out, however, and says it time to "do the Boogie Woogie!" She pulls off some far out cookie-style Cookie Shuriken jutsu but Gary manages to evade them and heads out the real front door. Betty chases him out to the streets, but is so old and ancient that even a snail can outrun her. She continues flinging cookies and throws Mrs. Nesbitt's Mr. Meaty as a last resort but Gary loses her in the alleyway where he comes across the stray snail from earlier who's all like, "Hey, you're the guy that didn't wanna use protection!" In a pretty dick move, Gary shoves the poor bastard into Betty White's field of vision because hey, he's just some homeless stray, what does he have to live for? Betty grabs Mr. Meaty and approaches the stray but things are off-camera at this point, anything could've happened.

Back at the Spongebob residence, Spongebob can't let it all out anymore because the combination of that stupid Beat-Off Challenge and Gary's disappearance has taken his jizz away too. Patrick then realizes something from earlier today and tells Spongebob how he met Betty White at the Martha Stewart Store. Having enough of Patrick's stupidity and insolence for one episode, he decides to go out for a walk but still can't get Gary out of his mind since he pretty much spammed about his disappearance all over Bikini Bottom. Ongebob begins having a pissing match with a Gary billboard he had recently put up, telling it to say something to him. The real Gary casually crawls up to him and meows. Apparently, Patrick's stupidity has rubbed off on Spongebob (more Skodalgics fuel, I suppose) and he doesn't bother to notice despite Gary making it quite obvious that he's there. No wonder why he left him. After ten minutes of this mindless filler, Spongebob finally notices Gary and strokes him where loves tithe most asking "do I have to repeat myself or should I start over?" Gary just meows and Spongebob re-enacts the scene again before taking Gary back home to finally feed him for once since Missing Identity. Meanwhile, Skodwarde becomes the King of Paddleball by crushing the Dirty Bubble Challenge using his god powers but never gets his Playkoi magazines. Betty White continues doing her thang, doing some guest spots here and there and playing the same old character she always plays in Hot In Cleveland. And in case you didn't know, Spongebob sings a pretty catchy tune during the end credits since Nick never shows the credits in their entirety. So your ass better call somebody!

[Wumbo]

Damn, great episodes, men. I'll take the next one (watch your head for Skodwarde abuse).

[Wumbo]

64a. Skill Crane

Mr. Krabs, because he's turning into an eccentric old fart, has decided to get a skill crane machine. He maintains that because the motion of the lever simulates sexual pleasure, the machine will make big bucks. Skodwarde is skeptical, so Mr. Krabs urges him to try, even giving him a quarter because he's so damn desperate. Skodwarde, suddenly feeling a sense of pity for this Krusty old Krab, decides to give him a larf and puts the quarter into the machine.

Skodwarde nostalgic: "oMG like Skodword would never do that in the classic seasons. this show has been going downhill since that Krabby Pattie ep."

That's enough of that. Anyway, Skodwarde tries to win a handsome-looking cowboy doll, but the machine resists his god powers and so therefore he is powerless against it, failing. SpongeBob tries it, and wins the cowboy doll on the first try due to dumb luck. He also finds a space ranger along with it. He says, "All right! Double prizes!" At the end of the day, he takes the two dolls home, saying, "Let's go home and... play." Unspeakable filth ensues.

Skodwarde, frustrated by his inability to even win one of those cheap dildos, bets the farm. And thus we take a look inside the harrowing life of a compulsive gambler. Skodwarde finally decides that enough is enough and sues Mr. Krabs to get his money back. Mr. Krabs just laughs and laughs, and Skodwarde is almost at the point where he is ready to admit defeat. But then SpongeBob comes along and tells Skodwarde that there's a secret trick to getting a prize. Skodwarde asks SpongeBob what it is, and SpongeBob simply replies, "Beg."

Now, Skodwarde usually ain't nobody's bitch. But he is willing to make a rare exception this time if only to learn the way of the crane. After a night of porous sex as requested by the 'Bob, SpongeBob takes Skodwarde through a spiritual journey and makes him at one with nature... specifically, cranes. Skodwarde realizes that the crane operates under Buddhism laws, rather than monotheistic ones. Finally cracking the code, he grabs the lever with only the loosest of grips, and finally wins a cheap dildo. After rubbing it a little too closely in a kid's face, he goes out to celebrate by wreaking havoc on the town.

64b. Jesus Christ, These Neighbors Are Fucking Terrible

Skodwarde wakes up to the sound of Barry White, just the way he likes to start off his Sunday morning. (Who knew?) After pouring himself a glass of sexual mango juice, he contemplates his schedule for today. High priority on the list: You guessed it, Master Q. Bation. He decides to get started right away, but is interrupted by some incessant moaning coming from outside. He opens his window and demands to know what the fuck is going on. SpongeBob and Patrick reply that they were practicing public indecency, and would Skodwarde like to join them? Skodwarde replies "Fuck no", and shuts the window. SpongeBob and Patrick shrug, and get back to doing what they do best, when they notice that Skodwarde left a box of Kleenex out on his porch. (Boy, wonder what he needs that for, heehee.) Being the supposed good neighbours that they are, they decide to hand-deliver it to him (heehee, "hand").

What they don't know is that Skodwarde doesn't masturbate on just any tissue. He needs 4-ply! 4-ply! But that's another story. Anyway, when Sponge and Pat bring him his Kleenex, Skodwarde orders them to get the fuck out of his house before he jizzes on both of them. Sponge and Pat appear somewhat receptive, so Skodwarde has no choice but to roundhouse kick them out. (Apologies to Chuck Norris.)

Seeking vengeance, SpongeBob and Patrick decide to take their anger out on the town by dismembering people and using their blood to paint all the trees. Meanwhile, Skodwarde jizzes it up to the tune of

by The Lonely Island. Unfortunately, some of the blood from Sponge and Pat's rampage flies into Skodwarde's house, and hits him in the head. Furious, Skodwarde steps outside, but some city folk mistake him for blood-splattered steamed broccoli, and send him off to the blood-covered vegetable museum. But obviously no fortress can hold Skodwarde, so he escapes pretty easily. Skodwarde now wants to get back at SpongeBob and Patrick for wasting too much of his goddamn time. So he uses his god powers to bring his house to life and makes it terrorize the two fuckers. A police officer witnesses this and, thinking of the children. he destroys the house with his brute strength. He then demands to know who's responsible, but Skodwarde has fled to Tahiti to hit it up with the landlubbin' babes. The police officer arrests SpongeBob and Patrick, sentencing them to hard labour (heehee, "hard").

[Old Man Jenkins]

66. Douches and Dragons

One day, Spongebob and Patrick skipping gayly (as in happily) and merrily down a hill full of ice cream and jellybeans! They have themselves a little game of tag as they try not to be late for the joust at the local renaissance fair called "Medieval Moments". They reach the entrance and hear a recording say that they are just 20 wizard spaces away from "Swords! Sorcery! And Promiscuity!" They come across the bouncers dressed as a royal knight and jester. The jester is all like "knocketh knocketh!" and the knight asks "Who though art there?" The jester says "A sponge and a starfisheth!" The knight asks "A sponge and starfisheth who?" and the jester is all like "I shalt strike thee in the cranium with thou sponge and starfisheth!" and the knight is flabbergasted before the jester grabs Spongebob and Patrick and batters up before using them to hit the knight in the head. AND THAT WAS MEDIEVAL MOMENT!! Aha aha aha aha! The knight points Spongebob and Patrick to where they should go from here but they ride his balls over his lack of a medieval accent. The knight contemplates suicide because he obviously hates his job but decides that now was not the time (srsly, he did contemplate suicide).

They enter the arena and Spongebob asks Patrick "how's that Whopper?" Patrick replies "it's Whopperiffic! BK, have it Your Way!" (Burger King, sponsor us! PL34ZE!!!) The King and Queen of Cheese (played by Connie Chung and Maury Povich respectively) preside over the evening's jousting events. Connie Chung wakes Maury up and tells him he has to announce the jousting tournament, startling Maury and making him shout out "YOU'RE NOT THE FATHER!" Maury announcers that he would like two guests from the audience to volunteer for the joust and Spongebob and Patrick swear like sailors and flail their arms around like idiots (ya know, like on the Maury Show), not knowing what they're getting themselves into. Maury tells them to come on down and has them take a lie detector and a paternity test before having them sign waivers saying that the Maury Show won't be held accountable for any injuries and/or deaths. At this point, Spongebob and Patrick realize they won't be watching the joust from the front lines but they'll be partaking in one. They're all prepped up and given their giant dildo-shaped lances (because Skodwarde won't be complete without a couple of dildos thrown in for good measure). Skodwarde, who's spectating these events in the comfort of his own skybox by means of god powers, sees the potential of this episode and decides to use his god powers to make the seahorses wild and reckless. Spongebob and Patrick charge at each other, each armed with their blunt object. Some old lady shouts out "take his head off" and that just couldn't match this moment more than it already does. Their heads collide, sending them off in opposite directions outside of the arena. Skodwarde takes advantage of this and rips open a portal in time and flings them into the past where evil is law! Now, the fools will seek to return to the present and undo the future that is Skodwarde. Cue the rap music!

They land near a haystack in an awkward 69 position when the royal guard comes clip clopping towards their general direction. A 1973 Oldmobile Delta 88 also lands near them for some reason, startling the knights. Spongebob and Patrick mistake them for park workers but the knights accuse them of public indecency, oh, and witchcraft by...falling out of the sky! In an attempt to dissuade them from arresting them, Spongebob shows them his "BOOMSTICK" which turns out to be the dildo lance from earlier and the knights are not impressed, saying theirs' are much bigger. They're thrown into the torture chamber, chock-full of sexually-related torturing devices because you should know us by now. As you can imagine, this is like the Garden of Eden for Spongebob and Patrick and they compliment on how these "props almost look legit." Suddenly, a horrible noise rings through the chamber that startle Spongebob and Patrick but it only turns out to be what looks to be Skodwarde having trouble playing with himself due to his lack of a penis. He then uses his god powers to curse his great great great great great great great great great grandson's father's uncle's cousin's neighbor with the same plight ten-fold. Poor Skodwarde. Spongebob greets Skodwarde, but this look-a-like looks around and asks "Dost thou knave talketh to me?" Spongebob laughs and laughs and openly mocks his accent. The look-a-like introduces himself as Skodly and tells them that they must mistake him for another before asking them if they want to do some squat thrusts. They decline his offer so works those buns and thighs (JAH BOONS UND TIES) while he starts singing about how he was the King's favorite scepter polisher but he did one bad stroke and the king...had a stroke (shut up, I know that doesn't rhyme!) so that's why he's taking it up the ass every hour of the day from up ye olde rafters but Skodly isn't that opposed to his punishment, jyah. This cheery and happy Skodwarde disturbs Spongebob and Patrick, nearly making Patrick shit himself. Skodly tells him they'd be lucky to partake in ye olde restroom sometime in the 12th century before offering to help Patrick move his bowels, but Patrick thought he said 'balls' and tells Skodly to stay the fuck away from him. Loud rumblings can be heard but Spongebob blames Patrick's stomach again until Skodly brings up the Dragon Jellyfish and gladly sings about how it will destroy everything in the valley; sex shops, bars, retirement homes and even ye olde brothels (I know that doesn't rhyme neither!). The destruction of the brothel strikes a nerve in the male populace as you can expect.

Knights? Jesters? Dragons? Medieval strip clubs?! This is when Spongebob finally realizes that they really are in the middle ages and Patrick freaks out about how old he feels since he left the water running at home! The torture chamber's dominatrix (in full on leather and lace) arrives and commands the three to head to the throne room for the king has requested their presence. Spongebob asks "do we really have to bring him?" referring to Skodly, and the tortue masterr proclaims that the king has demandeth it. Against their better judgment, Spongebob and Patrick are forced to take their punishment alongside Skodly as the dominatrix whips them on the ass on their way to the throne room. In the throne room, the king, who turns out to be an ancestor of Mr. Krabs (I guess that'd make him, King Krab, y'know like the seafood?) nearly has a hernia over the thought of having no citizens to tax due to the evil lord Vold-er, Planktonimor and his insidious (good movie) dragon. His daughter, Princess Pole, who is also a whale, warns him that he should watch his blood pressure, lest thou wanteth another suppository up thy rectum again. Krab's not so loyal knight arrives and says that the dominatrix has brought the prisoners, your highnessssssssssssssss. After about five minutes of the repetitive "s" sound and an awkward exchange of glances between King Krab and Princess Pole, our trio finally graces thy liege with their presence. Spongebob's all like "Yo, she-bitch!" which offends King Krab and says he should be addressed with respect, you little dung. Spongebob informs him that it was directed towards Pole and King Krabs let's the entire matter slide this time. Skodly eases things by saying that thou hath written a new song for his majesty and begins working those glutes as he sings all about how the town's destruction is all the King's fault and who can blame him with Krab's track record of these things throughout this entire series. Freedom of speech is a far cry in Krab's rule so he has all three of them sent to the guillotine. Spongebob tries convincing him that he and Patrick are not from here and that they travel through time and yada, yada, yada, but King Krabs accuses them of being bitches sent by Planktonimor to destroy him. Spongebob and Patrick beg for their craniums but the King says "Not THOSE heads, me boys. Ar Ar Ar Ar!" Realizing that the stakes have been raised, Princess Pole brings up the prophecy with that annoying sound that she claims to be her voice. King Krabs is apparently too cheap to pay attention to the stain-glass windows that lies above his own throne room that specifically prophesizes that two brave knights, specifically shaped like a square and a star, will fall from the sky and are then sent by the king to free the lamenting town from the evil dragon that is controlled by the one-balled wizard. It's elementary, my dear father. King Krabs is about to have his daughter stoned for being such a smartass but they're interrupted by said evil dragon, who backhands the King off to the side before taking Princess Pole away in what looks like a scene out of Mario. The royal knights are apparently too busy executing Spongebob, Patrick and Skodly to do a damn thing about it even though they're in like the same room. Krabs is sent flying into the guillotine right as Spongebob was about to get his Wang beat off literally, saving him from his fate. The King apologizes to Spongebob and Patrick and proceeds to give them both a blow job. Patrick comments, "I guess this is what you call getting the royal treatment." King Krabs discovers a lost piece of the prophecy conveniently lying in the debris mid-blow job and he says that it states that he has to kick them out for no reason like when people kicks other people majority of the time on the Xat. Spongebob and Patrick claim they're manly enough to kick themselves out and they go ahead and do that. Skodly sticks around to play with himself some but the King sends him out with them, saying they could use his "pleasurable company". Skodly tells the King that it's "his loss" before playing with himself out the door. The King wishes them Godspeed and may the froce be with them but knowing the man Krabs is, he doesn't really mean it at all.

They take the Oldsmobile Delta 88 and peel out towards their destination, making things a lot more faster. Spongebob says "we'll need protection!" and Skodly uses his god powers to take them to the town iron man (play by Robert Downey Jr., no less). Spongebob greets iron man but he strangles him, saying "I won't take your drugs! I've been sober for years!" They managed to clear this issue up sooner or later and Robert delightfully agrees to fit them with all the protection they may need. He gives Patrick a dental dam that went right over the one he was already wearing and a cock ring for "better endurance" (wink wink fart fart). He gives Spongebob and iron penis sleeve and of course, his sword, a dildo made of pure iron the likes of which is only bestowed upon the most sexually active of warriors, but it proves to be too much for the playful sponge to handle and he accidentally lodges it into Robert Downey Jr.'s butthole, to which Robert said "that's gonna need some stitches!" in that sarcastic Tony Stark tone he does. Spongebob then settles for a double sided iron plated G-Spot Vibrator which can be used against both males and females. For Skodly, thou shalt taketh thy Hitachi Magic Wand to better "output" his god powers (I suggest you look it up for you curious thrill seekers) since Skodly is apparently the White Mage of the group, and NOBODY FUCKS with the White Mage. Skodly uses his sexually enhanced god powers to enchant all their newly acquired protection, like in Minecraft, before asking Robert Downey Jr. how he's managed to stay sober for almost 1000 years. Chronic masturbation, zumba dancing, oilseed and Wing Chun Kung Fu does wonders and surprisingly intertwines with everything Skodwarde has done in his spare time throughout the entire series (see, we do have some continuity). Spongebob places three Krabby Patties in the Fifi Bag Rob gave them (Jelly can look that up) and they peel off in their Oldsmobile yet again to Eureeka's Castle.

Inside the castle, Planktonimor is being cocky (haha cock) and overconfident in thyself as he blows his crystal ball wife, Karen, into submission as Princess Pole is forced to watch. He has his dragon, Magellan, come hither (pfft hither) towards him and has it send a message to Krabs before coughing up a lung due to overexertion. Outside the castle, JUMP SCARE! as our trio are confronted by a dark figure near the entrance to the troll bridge. Skodly tells Spongebob and Patrick that it is the nefarious Dark Knight (another good movie) before pussing out and singing about how he'll give the Dark Knight a hand job with his suction cups if thou spares him and taketh thee Spongebob and Patrick instead. Spongebob uses the male side of his double sided vibrator but to to no avail as the Dark Knight reveals that it is actually...Medieval Sandy, who can breathe underwater! After Spongebob karate chops all her limbs off, he puts her into corner and askeths thee "dost thou liketh a little rub down?!" before using the female side of the vibrator to beat Medieval Sandy into submission, apparently killing her. Cue the acid trip and our trio manages to awaken Sandy by jizzing all over her more than needed. They give her some improvised makeshift limbs made out various iron dildos before Medieval Sandy thanks them for not going farther than they did while she was unconscious. In gratitude, she decides to join our heroes' party on their journey to Eureeka's Castle. Who shall we switch out from our party? Patrick, since nobody likes the defensive guy in these RPGs. They cross over the troll bridge, but the Grumpy Old Troll pops out and trolls them about how they must solve his riddle in order to pass. Medieval Sandy goes, well, medieval on his ass and throws him off into the lava as Dora and Boots should've done every time they come across this guy in the show. Back in Medieval Bikini Bottom, King Krabs is having a money orgy in his honor when Plankton's text message reaches him, telling him that if Krabs doesn't surrender thy village and thy throne, Planktonimor shall kill Krab's first born son. Krabs says the jokes on Planktonimor since he doesn't have a son before getting back to his money orgy. Our party finally reaches Eureeka's Castle and Medieval Sandy pretends to take Spongebob, Patrick and Skodly in as her jailbait in order to get to Planktonimor. The castle's guards question her about the identities of these heathens and Medieval Sandy tells them that she caught these three having a threesome outside the castle gates and you know how Planktonimor gets if he doesn't get a piece of that pie. She tells them about the punishments Planktonimor will put them through ranging from having thy penises ripped off by a herd of reckless seahorses to painfully plucking each and every one of their pubic hairs individually, robbing them each of their pride! Spongebob throws a bitch fit all the way as they enter the castle. Sandy releases them from their hogties and complements Spongebob on his acting skills as Spongebob improvises and claims that it was all apart of the plan. Princess Pole screams in terror and Spongebob let's everything go to his head (ha head) and claims that HE must fulfill the prophecy while Medieval Sandy babysits Patrick and Queen Bitch over there, Skodly casually reminding him that he's the royal scepter polisher. They rush up an unusually long staircase (as cliche as it may sound) and after thirty minutes of this nautical nonsense, they finally reach the roof of the castle where Planktonimor hasn't bothered to kill Princess Pole yet for whatever reason. Spongebob asks for some hand cream and Planktonimor offers him "Lubricating" or "Scented" before tossing the bottles away and going "psycheth!" This act of treason brings to light just how evil Planktonimor really is, prompting Spongebob to charge at him arms flailing. Planktonimor tells him to "Cometh at thee, brethren!" Spongebob ends up squishing him under his foot and taunts Planktonimor about how he forgot how little his penis is. Planktonimor retaliates by shooting out some laser beams that does very little to no damage to our noble hero. While Sir Spongebob has Planktonimor distracted, Medieval Sandy, Skodly and Patrick work behind the scenes to free Princess Pole from her harness. Pole's fat ass causes her to fall through the roof and down the 100+ floors below. She even pulls a Eugene by saying "I beeth okay!" Planktonimor continues to torture Spongebob by way of tickling but Magellan comes roaring in and zaps the playful sponge into sub,ission before setting it's sights on the rest of our party. Skodly performs a lap dance to soothe the foul beast but gets zapped. Medieval Sandy tries going medieval on it with her dildo limbs but gets zapped as well. Patrick gets zapped for doing jack shit (and rightfully so) before getting tossed aside. Planktonimor sics Magellan on Spongebob, who busts out the Fif Bag carrying their Krabby Patties and uses it to cover the beast. After whipping his dick in it's face for a good minute or so, the dragon burns itself free of the bag before scaring Spongebob back into a corner. Magellan catches wind of the Krabby Patties and takes one from Spongebob, devouring it with much delight. Planktonimor orders his pet monster to stop fucking around and kill him, but Spongebob simply offers it more Krabby Patties, incentive enough for Magellan to turn on his master in an ending you probably didn't see coming. Curses, foiled again (which Planktonimor pretty much states in the actual episode), gives up his quest for power.

Patrick, who is none too pleased about the loss of his precious lunch at the hands of the dragon, has Skodly use his god powers to conjure up a Deathcoaster out of the Oldsmobile Delta 88 and jams out to "Rock of Ages" by Def Leppard before using the killing machine to slay the dragon once and for all, startling everyone, even Planktonimor. Patrick's one liner, "Puff goes the Magic Dragon!" is sure to trend on Twitter once this concludes. Back in the Land Called Honalee, Skodly uses his god powers to summon the village idiots for a huge bonanza celebrating our heroes' victory, the dragon's demise and the Princess' return but who cares about that whale? King Krabs has decided to steal the Krabby Patty formula (ironic, isn't it?) and markets it as his own for centuries to come in a take on the origins that contradicts other Krabby Patty origin stories, but hey, we don't ALWAYS follow continuity. Skodly's lap dance appalls the villagers, who flings their own feces at him, agitating the seahorses carrying Spongebob and Patrick to buck them off (hurrr), sending them flying. Skodly tries to use his god powers to save them but simply opens up another wormhole that sends our heroes back to their proper timeline. Connie Chung and Maury Povich wake them up by jizzing all over them (you seen that coming). Spongebob comments on how high he must've been during that trip. Patrick tells him to "tell the Skodly.", who turns out to have travelled through the wormhole along with them somehow. This creates a paradox that destroys the space-time continuum but Skodwarde, trying to keep things canon for once, uses his god powers to undo the events of this past episode, simply making it...history. This episode sinks into obscurity and everybody moves the fuck on with their lives as it should be.

Meanwhile, back at the Krusty Krab, Skodwarde works the register like a boss as he tells Spongebob how he could've stayed back in Medieval Times and became king. Spongebob is unimpressed as Sandy waltz in, questioning Skodwarde on the validity of his claims of almost becoming a king. They're interrupted by Plankton, who is back to steal the secret formula. Skodwarde tosses Sandy into harm's way before firing some pew pew eye lazors at the minuscule menace. Plankton is relentless as Skodwarde conjures up Spongebob's patented double-sided vibrator, finally halting Plankton and once again foiling his attempts at the secret formula. Skodwarde sticks the vibrator up his ass as Sandy embraces him. Skodwarde declares "All Hail The King, Baby." before making out with Sandy in front of Spongebob, no doubt crushing the hearts of Spandy fans everywhere.

[Steel Sponge]

I'm beginning to catch up with Skodwarde...I'm currently at Season 2. Because Glove World is down for obvious reasons, and that this seems like a good enough context to express this, I would hopefully guest write a Skodwarde in the near future. Whale of a Birthday/Karate Island comes to mind for me.

[Old Man Jenkins]

I'm cool with ya guest writing. I'd even let ya go about it free of charge.