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Enter probably the dirtiest episode I've ever written.

48a. No Prudes Allowed

SpongeBob and Sandy are doing some karate roleplaying due to them having a common fetish. After some nautical nonsense involving Sandy getting very sandy and SpongeBob being a dirty boy, Sandy notices that a strip club is opening on Goo Lagoon. To get in, all you have to do is prove that you're a whore. Sandy and SpongeBob get in line behind Pole, who is attempting to get in.

"Welcome to the Salty Suck n' Blow. How slutty are ya?" the bouncer asks.

"How slutty am I? This morning I made love to a horde of nematodes on my kitchen table!"

"Heh, so?"

"With a lot of milk, if you catch my drift."

The bouncer sheepishly lets Pole inside, saying that he is sorry he kept her waiting. He then sees Sandy. "Welcome to the Salty Suck n' Blow. How slutty are ya?"

"How slutty am I?" Sandy does probably the most erotic dancing that anyone in Bikini Bottom has ever seen, to the tune of "Super Freak". The bouncer lets her in readily. SpongeBob, wanting to get it on with Sandy in there, walks up readily to the bouncer.

"Welcome to the Salty Suck n' Blow oh God I hate my life someone shoot me how slutty are ya?"

"How slutty am I?" SpongeBob replies. "You got a new bottle of ketchup?" The bouncer confusedly hands him one, and SpongeBob attempts to perform an ancient mating ritual involving ketchup. Skodwarde, who is already in the club for obvious reasons, notices SpongeBob making a fool of himself. He decides to save the bouncer the trouble by using his god powers to transport SpongeBob to Prudey Hut Jr.'s.

SpongeBob is now surrounded by prudes. "Did you catch the rerun of the documentary on censorship last night?" one asks the other.

"Oh, yes, t'was riveting!" the other answers.

SpongeBob rolls his eyes at their prudeness, then suddenly a fully-clothed robot wheels up to him (in the most non-sexual way possible). "Would you care for a *beep* Diet Kelp with a *beep* lemon twist, *beep*?"

SpongeBob realizes that the beeps are censored profanity, and realizes that he must get out of here immediately before he turns into one of them. He tries to get into the Salty Suck n' Blow again, but is rejected because his tattoos aren't erotic enough. He finally decides to enlist Patrick's help. Patrick realizes that this could be his Big Break (har har), so he readily agrees. They walk up to the bouncer and perform an exotic dance routine to the tune of "Hips Don't Lie by Shakira f. Wyclef Jean, a routine that is unstoppable, even with Skodwarde's god powers. The bouncer feels that he has seen the light and runs off to become a minister of pornography, leaving SpongeBob and Patrick to walk in freely.

SpongeBob takes one step in and slips on a wayward condom, falling into a pool of semen. As he looks up, he sees that Skodwarde has charmed all the biddies with his god powers, including Sandy. SpongeBob reluctantly accepts Pole's lap dance, who went unnoticed by Skodwarde because he assumed she was a man. While SpongeBob's Cocoa Puff gets Milky Milky, Patrick masturbates furiously in the corner to the tune of "Longview" by Green Day.

48b. Skolliam Returns

Skodwarde is reading Mein Kampf at the Krusty Krab, and vows that one day he will crush the heads of millions, much like his hero... Richard Nixon. Mr. Krabs replies, "Yeah yeah whatever, where's my Prozac?" Skodwarde, disgusted by his boss's lack of culture, leaves work and coincidentally runs into his longtime rival, Skolliam. Skodwarde uses his god powers to strip him of everything but his underwear (THIS EPISODE IS PG PEOPLE), but the joke's on him as it turns out Skolliam takes 'roids, and is therefore very muscular. He tells Skodwarde that him and his rippling pecs would love to see Skodwarde's place of establishment, which Skodwarde asserts is a 5-star restaurant. Skolliam says that it might be just the 'roids talkin', but he wants to see this restaurant up close.

Skodwarde knocks Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob out, and uses his god powers to transform the Krusty Krab into a 5-star restaurant. Patrick shows up with his own copy of Mein Kampf, saying that he would like to start training for the Army, and decides to start here. Skodwarde knocks him out as well, and throws the three into a closet. Skolliam and his posse show up, ready to eat. Skodwarde realizes that even with his infinite god powers, he's gonna need a waiter. He uses his god powers to bring SpongeBob back into consciousness, but also empties his mind so all he thinks about is fine dining, breathing, and anemone porn (which could not be wiped out even with god powers).

SpongeBob treats Skolliam to a night of ass-kissing, fine dining, and heavy breathing. Skolliam is impressed by the service, and demands to know his slave's name. SpongeBob, caught up in his heavy breathing, forgets his own name. He then goes COMPLETELY BATSHIT INSANE, because that is the Wumbo trademark. His ass-kissing turns to ass-shredding, and he runs around like a raving lunatic.

Meanwhile, Mr. Krabs wakes up from his unconscious state of mind, which told him to make an appetizer that would take over the world. Taking in his experience from head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea, he goes straight to work. In a creation that even Dr. Frankenstein would envy, Mr. Krabs' appetizer does take over the world. Skodwarde realizes that he must put a stop to this, and there is a battle of epic proportions. After Patrick runs out of time cards, the appetizer is finally defeated, and the Krusty Krab is back to normal. Skolliam takes his leave to inject more 'roids, while Mr. Krabs sits in his office with the world's smallest vibrator. And Skodwarde asserts that he is not a crook before reading one of his other favourite books, "All the President's Men".

SpongeBob, in his insane state, goes to find Kevin the Sea Cucumber to finally get the opportunity to lick his cheeks.

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While Wumbo is procrastinating...

49a. Krab Borg

SpongeBob watches a live T-Pain concert, which was about a scary man who speaks like a robot through this contraption called autotune, and becomes terrified. He begins fearing a robot invasion of artists who speak through autotune, even asking Gary if he's a robot. As he tries to go back to sleep, he has a nightmare where these robots are taking over the world and are chasing him.

At work, he is very paranoid, and is under the impression that these autotuned robots are "everywhere"(one turning out to actually a trolly full of sea potatoes, and another a red light that was actually the warning light for the fat). He later sees Mr. Krabs "speaking" in a robot language (actually humming to a song called "I’m In Luv Wit A Stripper" on his iPod) and wearing batteries in his pocket (his fleshlight broke and he was planning give the batteries to Pole for her Christmas present), and suspects that he is a robot impostor. SpongeBob uses this opportunity to try and persuade Skodwarde into believing that Mr. Krabs is a robot. SpongeBob calls out Mr. Krabs and tells him that Skodwarde told him a hilarious joke, which Skodwarde made up a dead baby joke, with Mr. Krabs not laughing, thus the first sign that he is a robot. SpongeBob then calls out Mr. Krabs again, cries and tells him that Skodwarde’s father never loved in, which Mr. Krabs snarkly replied that Skodwarde can make love to himself on his break, thus with no crying as the second sign. SpongeBob calls out Mr. Krabs again and tells him that Skodwarde loves him, which Mr. Krabs tells him that the feeling is not mutual, which is the third and final sign that he is a robot.

With all those nonsensical distractions out of the way, Mr. Krabs decides to check himself and make sure he didn’t catch any STDs from that stripper he saw last night. SpongeBob screams Mr. Krabs name again, when all of a sudden Mr. Krabs comes running out not looking like himself. SpongeBob sees Mr. Krabs with metal pinchers (tongs he was holding his penis with) and red bumps from Mr. Krabs scratching himself (herpes flares), which "confirms" his suspicions. After collecting enough evidence, he convinces Skodwarde that Mr. Krabs is a robot. Skodwarde tries contacting the Nazis, but this automated voice message told him that the Nazis have disbanded, which Skodwarde assumes that robots have taken over the Nazis. Skodwarde and SpongeBob then man up and decide to torture Mr. Krabs and defeat the robot race.

They go into his office, send Mr. Krabs into a panic and tie Mr. Krabs up, accusing him of being a robot and interrogating him on the location of the "real" Mr. Krabs. When he gives them no answers and becomes annoyed, they begin interrogating his machines, such as a sybian, a vibrating playmate, and a penis pump. By destroying them (except for the vibrating playmate, which Skodwarde sexually violates), this greatly upsets Krabs, as the machines cost him money. When they come to the artifical vagina, Mr. Krabs cries for it, which robots are incapable of doing, revealing that he isn't a robot. He also mentions laughing with it and making love to it. Skodwarde then asks SpongeBob how the movie ended. SpongeBob reveals the end of the movie, in which the robots were all in their imagination, and runs off, leaving Skodwarde in trouble when Mr. Krabs becomes enraged and yells at the top of his voice "Grrrrrrrrr, SKODWARDE!!!".

49b. Rock-a-Bye Bivalve

SpongeBob and Patrick are playing with condoms when all of a sudden they hear this loud chirping. They spot a baby scallop in a coral tree, which they name "Clamela Anderson", although he is a boy, and decide to adopt, with SpongeBob as the Mom and Patrick as the Dad. SpongeBob and Patrick put the cherry on top of their relationship by having coitus. However, SpongeBob has to do all the work to care for the baby, as Patrick has to go to work. Patrick promises to take a turn caring for the baby, which he repeatedly fails to fulfill. Eventually, SpongeBob angrily lashes out at Patrick and beats him violently. Patrick then gets fed up and decides to go back to "work" to avoid the abuse. SpongeBob follows him, and finds out that "work" consists of Patrick watching Desperate Housewives under his rock. Then SpongeBob opens up Patrick's briefcase and dumps lubricant and tissues all over Patrick, then the two begin to fight, until they see Clamela jumping a two story window out. They try to catch him, but fail and begin crying for him, believing he is no longer alive and proclaiming themselves "bad parents". However, they realize that Clamela's alive and well, and has learned to fly. After Clamela kisses SpongeBob and flies away, Patrick asks " Hey! what about Daddy?" Clamela drops a used condom on Patrick's head, who responds "That's my boy". After the parents say goodbye to their son, Patrick says "Let's have another", and SpongeBob and Patrick head back to the bedroom to fuck.

Meanwhile, Skodwarde decides to figure out whatever happened to Tom Green. So he flies out to Canada and discovers him sucking the breast milk out of a llama and wondering if anyone likes him yet. Skodwarde decides to help Tom Green get his life back together by telling him that he needs to become best friends with Adam Sandler. By doing that, his career will still exist no matter how many flops he is in. Tom Green does this and becomes successful. He gets a universally panned sitcom on CBS about Tom Green marrying into an Irish family. And get this…stereotypes ensue as Tom Green has a hot wife and drunken in-laws because…wait for it…they are Irish. Rob Schneider then dies a little on the inside that Tom Green has figured out how Rob Schneider’s career still has a pulse after so many bad movies.

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While we prepare the new episode, let's take some time to look back at the formerly lost Season One with this Pilot Commentary!

Episode 1. Help Wanted/Reef Blower/Tea at the Treedome

Spongebob wakes up early to get himself a job at the Krusty Krab. Skodwarde finds and summons anchovies to ruin his job interview."I like how Skod was a lot more straightforward with his plots at the beginning." After Spongebob foils his plan to the tunes of Tiny Tim"I also like how things were a lot more vague compared to how they are now. You can blame my shitty budget back then, but I at least retained the rights to have Livin' In The Sunlight, Lovin' In The Moonlight play in the background. If we didn't had Tiny Tim, I'd have cancelled production then and there.", Skodwarde flings Krabby Patties at Patrick with his god powers before finishing his shift and listens to Tiny Tim records at home."Patrick decided to do his own stunt for this particular simply for the free cheeseburgers. Skodwarde was amused, to say the least."

Skodwarde woke up one day to find a shell causing a blemish on once flawless lawn, so he used his god powers to fling it onto Spongebob's perfect lawn."Because he's too damn lazy to kick it away out of his own power like originally planned." Spongebob takes notice of it and whips out his trusty reef blower to get rid of it. After some nautical nonsense involving god powers and reef blowers"Talk about vague again. Again, our budget back then was terrible so we made do with what little we had.", Skodwarde uses his god powers to suck out the water dry. He puts it back after finding out he needs water then goes back inside to listen to more Tiny Tim records."Those things cost us a fortune to get shipped to the studio, but it was well worth it."

Skodwarde is lurking around Bikini Bottom one day when he finds a strange creature he has never seen before. Looking to cleanse Bikini Bottom,"And by this, he wanted to kill her. I originally planned a whole story arc for the Sandy eps to have Skodwarde go on a vendetta to kill the land critter, but plans changed to tone down his bloodlust a bit. Doesn't mean we won't revisit at some point in the future." Skodwarde summons a giant clam"Played by Michael Beck in a clam suit. Loved the guy in The Warriors, but Xanadu ruined his image so we had no choice but to make him don the suit. He's expected to return in Season 3 so stay tuned!" to dispose of her. His plans are foiled when Spongebob intervenes. Sandy invites Spongebob over to her treehouse. Skodwarde arrives to stir shit up but is thwarted yet again."Gosh dang budget." He heads back to his tiki to play some Rock Band."The best damn motherfucker on the crew to rock on that game, might I add."

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Sorry for le delay, my Internet was down for a while. Here's Episode 50!

50a. Wet Painters

SpongeBob and Patrick, fueled by their success in front of the Salty Suck n' Blow, perform another erotic dance in the middle of the Krusty Krab to attract customers. Skodwarde, meanwhile, has his enormous nose in the middle of "All the President's Men". Mr. Krabs walks out of his office to ask what is going on, and SpongeBob and Patrick reply as to what they're doing. Mr. Krabs, vaguely repulsed by their outfits, tells them to get dressed and meet him outside. SpongeBob and Patrick, thinking that Mr. Krabs is about to suggest that they headline Vegas, gleefully get changed.

Nope. Mr. Krabs just wants them to paint his fucking house. SpongeBob asks if they can use their jizz, to which Mr. Krabs replies no. SpongeBob and Patrick reluctantly get started, and Skodwarde sneaks out to observe their misery. He uses his god powers to create two giant paint bubbles just to add to the lulz. SpongeBob starts going COMPLETELY BATSHIT INSANE and pops the bubbles. But miraculously (though having nothing to do with Skodwarde intervention), the paint goes on the walls and nowhere else... except of course, Mr. Krabs' first dollar.

SpongeBob, Patrick, and Skodwarde collectively contemplate who would be loony enough to hang a dollar, and then they remember that this is Mr. Krabs they're dealing with. SpongeBob and Patrick try to get the paint off, but to no avail. Patrick insists that they have technology, reminding SpongeBob that his anemone porn special is on, and he flees, leaving Patrick to take the heat from Old Man Krabs. While Mr. Krabs tans Patrick's hide, Skodwarde secretly follows SpongeBob to get a glimpse of DAT ASSnemone.

50b. Krusty Krab Training Video

This is a tutorial on how not to completely suck at everything. But first, let's take a look at Mr. Krabs when he was in his mother's womb.

Mr. Krabs is eagerly pushing his way out of his mom's hoohah in order to start his own business. Once he's out, he leaves immediately, leaving his mom to cry over the thought of losing her only child. She then gets over it and moves into an anchor or something. ANYWAY... Mr. Krabs fought in the Vietnam War, where he picked up a copy of Mein Kampf from a war nostalgic. "These new wars are so gay!" the nostalgic complains.

Mr. Krabs reads Mein Kampf and realizes that in order for his business to be successful, he needs to use propaganda. Failing that, he realizes that he needs to cram a bunch of people into a tight space... and feed them shit. He does so, and the public eats it up like it's actual food. Thus entering the Krusty Krab (formerly the Rusty Krab, which was a retirement home, but all the old people died because of salmonella or something).

Okay, enough history. Now we're going to tell you, yes, you, yes, I'm breaking the fourth wall, deal with it, how to not totally suck at your job! First off, let's start with that morale of yours. What's that motto? That's right, Sincere Service with a Smile! And don't you forget it, you little fucker.

Now we are dealing with cleanliness. Did you remember to wipe the jizz off your pants this morning? If you did, then congratulations! You've passed inspection. Let's see how Skodwarde keeps his personal hygiene hygienic:

Skodwarde: Who are you kidding, I don't even wear pants. GET THAT CAMERA OUTTA MY FA-

Remember: No employee wants to be a Skodwarde!

Let's move on to how organized your workspace is. Are the porno magazines secretly stashed under the grill? Are the XXX-rated videotapes rightly placed next to the onions? Let's take a look:


Good job, Mr. SquarePants! Not a dildo out of place! Now, let's see how Skodwarde...

*Skodwarde is popping pills and involuntarily twitching*

...on second thought, let's not. Now, we come to the most important lesson: SHIT!

SpongeBob: What does that stand for?

It doesn't stand for anything. The main idea is that everything served at this wretched place is shit. Mr. Krabs knows it, Skodwarde knows it, and you should know it too. The underlying message is that people are stupid and will eat any crap that's advertised to them.

SpongeBob: Ohhh... SHIT!

Looks like Mr. SquarePants understands the concept! Let's move on to the soul-crushing part of this entire tutorial: Interfacing with Mr. Krabs.

SpongeBob: Hey Mr. Krabs, where the fuck is my CHECK?!

Mr. Krabs:

Good job, Mr. SquarePants! Luckily, Mr. Krabs has terrible aim. You probably think that you're ready to make a Krabby Patty now, don't ya?

SpongeBob: *starts hyperventilating in excitement*

Whoa there! We haven't even covered HOOPLA yet! Now this is actually an acronym, standing for Have Orgasms Over Porn-Loving Anemones. But I think you're pretty much the expert on that already, Mr. SquarePants. So... yeah. I guess you're ready. But just for the lulz, let's see how Skodwarde deals with the common customer:

Patrick: Good morning Krusty Krew!

Skodwarde: You have three seconds to get the fuck out of my face before I smite you.

Patrick: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Skodwarde then smites Patrick, leaving him vacuum-packed inside a can of tuna. He helplessly asks for a can opener, and Skodwarde laughs maniacally at Patrick's plight.

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It feels like it's been forever since I wrote one of these, but here we go....

51. Skodwarde's Raging House Party

Skodwarde uses his god powers to prevent Tom Kenny's alternate personality from interfering with his half hour special.

While shopping at the local ABC store for his best friend Jack Daniels, Skodwarde finds a "Plan Your Own Party Kit", and decides to throw a party using the kit. Despite the kit advising to invite "only your closest friends", Skodwarde invites nearly everyone in Bikini Bottom. When all his guests arrive and start partying, SpongeBob stops them from doing what they want and forces them to follow a very elaborate and specific schedule of events that he thinks they should consider. After suggesting discussion cards and reading the Sunday comics as wild ideas, Skodwarde grabs SpongeBob, hollers “THIS…IS…SPARTA!” and kicks SpongeBob down a seemingly bottomless pit, finally allowing the guests to have fun. Instead the party goers decided to play beer pong, smoke medicinal marijuana, and “mingle” with the opposite sex.

After finally making his way out of the seemingly bottomless pit, SpongeBob decides to take a look and see how Skodwarde’s party is going. However, the sight of Sandy being in an orgy with Larry, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, Plankton, and every other male cast member makes SpongeBob green with envy. Especially since SpongeBob (now in a bunny suit) was suppose to “hop” on the opportunity to get lucky with a drunken Sandy. SpongeBob grabs a pickax and attempts to break in. The police find him and place him under arrest, but when SpongeBob explains everything, they don't arrest him. However, the police arrest him for not inviting them to this orgy.

After some music and drinking, Skodwarde gets into a dance off with the guys behind the House Party movies, Kid and Play (guest starring as themselves). Kid and Play attempt to break up the party after Skodwarde defeats them, but they are kicked out and then arrested after the police takes pleasure in beating them up for having shitty sequels to the first House Party movie. Kid and Play spend the night in the same jail cell as SpongeBob.

Once the morning breaks, the whole town is passed out at Skodwarde’s house. They all leave hungover and Patrick tells Skodwarde that they should do this again next weekend. Skodwarde finds Gary wearing a lamp shade over him and turns him off to end the episode.

Oh and just to make it clear, everyone involved in the orgy jizzed on Sandy. And there we go, we have our usual semen oriented joke for the episode.

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52a) Sexual Chocolate With These Nuts

One day, Spongebob and Patrick tamper with Skodwarde's mail (which is a federal offense, kids) and they come across Skodwarde's latest monthly issue of Fancy Living Digest. They read about how this one dude built a basketball court on his football field and Spongebob and Patrick are easily amused at this. Skodwarde catches them and they make a run for it. Skodwarde picks up the magazine and says he doesn't remember subscribing to Fancy Living Digest, but he just brushes it off knowing he's saved money from having to buy toilet paper. Spongebob and Patrick want to start making some dolla to help pay bills since Patrick is still unemployed and Krabs is a fucking cheapskate, so they decide to sell their bodies for science, but after finding out that it involves certain death, they decide to sell their bodies for sex. They first come across a dude who offers to help them out by teaching them how to do it doggy style. He offers to be the pitcher as he instructs Spongebob and Patrick how to bring it around town. Once they do their thing, he sends them on their way fulfilled. Spongebob and Patrick head to the house next door where the same guy answers the door. They ask him about it but he says he doesn't recall before offering to teach them how to perform fellatio. He once again shoots a load (this time into their mouths) and Spongebob and Patrick leave, masters of their craft. They head to another house where after some nautical nonsense involving some moaning, groaning, miscues, and biting, Spongebob and Patrick are kicked out without pay. They head to another house where they offer to spoon a guy. He asks if they said "spooning?" which Patrick replies, "with or without the G-Spot?" The guy begins chasing after them yelling "SPOONING SPOONING!" and would continue doing so for the rest of the ep.

Spongebob and Patrick then head to house where they come across another guy who tells them that unprotected sex will lead to bubbling coral reefs on their hoohas, which Patrick proudly shows off. They then knock on the door of a seemingly sweet old lady who says she has a friend who hasn't had an orgasm in years. She calls her even older mother-in-law to the door and tells her that Spongebob and Patrick want money for sex. The old fish reminisces the days when they first invented sex and how she always hated it. Spongebob brings up the results of a recent study that casual sex will add more years to her life, the old fish asks Spongebob in for some coffee and they have themselves a conjugal before Spongebob realizes that she is only a head and spine. Spongebob and Patrick get paid and they decide to bring up recent studies about the benefits of casual sex when it comes to dealing with potential customers. They proceed to go to town with a bald guy, a bearded lady, a redneck, a hippie, a loser and some guy that looks like Patrick, but Patrick considers that to be masturbation on his part. Spongebob and Patrick have amassed themselves quite a fortune when they knock on the door of a man who was born with glass bones and paper skin. He says he doesn't have enough money to pay his hospital bills so Spongebob helps him pay bills before the man mentions that due to his ailments, he could never masturbate properly before so Spongebob and Patrick give him a hand job for free. They leave and the man reveals himself to be the dude who taught them earlier and faps to his newfound fortune.

Spongebob and Patrick are back to square one when the SPOONING guy from earlier finally catches up to them and tells them how he has been trying to find them all day. Things start getting sticky in more ways than one until the guy offers to pay them big money for the best spooning threesome of his life. They proceed to have a chocolate orgy and Spongebob and Patrick celebrate their newfound fortune by buying themselves a couple of escorts on the way to the Fancy restaurant. Skodwarde decides that this will be his only night to be fancy but is disappointed to find out that the restaurant has been rented out for private party. Inside, Spongebob and Patrick treat their escorts, who are the two old jags from earlier, to food, sex, drugs and all that good stuff. Meanwhile, Skodwarde spends the rest of his night eating some fun dip over blowing off his only chance at being fancy for one night.

52b) Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy, brought to you by the letter V

One day, due to the continued closure of the broccoli and meatloaf lines from the first MM & BB episode, our senile crusaders decide to whine and dine at the Krusty Krab once again, not learning their lesson from last time apparently. Skodwarde compares penis sizes with Barnacle Boy aagain and he tells BB that he should get those barnacles on his crotch checked out. Mermaidman orders himself a Krabby Patty (with extra mayo) and orders another Silly Meal for his not-so-young ward. Barnacle Boy throws a tantrum about wanting a regular Krabby Patty, but Mermaidman sticks a dildo in his mouth like a pacifier to calm his nerves. Fed up with being treated like a child by a man who wears a D-cup bra, he rebels like a teenager and says that he's going to go out in the world and cross over to the dark side before literally stepping into the dimly lit portion of the restaurant that Krabs refuse to light up due to his penny pinching. Suddenly, a van pulls into the restaurant and it is being driven by Manray and the Dirty Bubble. They offer Barnacle Boy some candy and they get him into their van before speeding off. They proceed to "make a man" out of Barnacle Boy and they proceed to wreak havoc throughout Bikini Bottom like a bunch of bikers who are having a mid-life crisis. Word of their crimes breaks out on the news about ten seconds later that involves but are not limited to, "littering, loitering, stealing eggs, milk, and toilet paper, and stealing candy from babies." The news say that they have formed an alliance dubbed "F.A.G." short for and otherwise known as "Fiends Against the Grain". Spongebob urges Mermaidman to stop them, but says Barnacle Boy is just going through a phase and he'll be over it, son. A few days go by and the F.A.G.s crimes are escalating to the point where they are harassing teenagers at make out reef. Mermaidman says "those fiends!" before finally deciding to get off his ass and do his job for once. He says he'll need Spongebob and the other's help. Skodwarde bitches about it before Mr. Krabs threatens to have him fired since emotionally scarred teenagers means no money!

The Chef calls in Mermaidman, Skodwarde, Spongebob, Patrick, and Sandy and informs them about the situation before demonstrating to them the various lewd acts that occur at Makeout Reef such as fingering and the Chef proceeds to finger himself as Skodwarde reminisces about the good times he spent at Makeout Reef and how he used his god powers to kill off his entire graduation class there. Mermaid introduces them to the IJLFB uniforms, which they all seem to fit in rather nicely for one reason or another. Skodwarde finds it redundant considering he already has god powers but gives up, saying he hasn't really used them much in the last few episodes anyway. With his super suit, Spongebob becomes Sloppy Seconds, who can run far distances in a matter of seconds. Patrick becomes Bend Over, with the power to touch his toes. Sandy becomes Miss Period, with the power to go missing. And Skodwarde becomes Captain Orgasm, with the power to...you know. The Chef orders them to fight those F.A.G.s before fingering himself some more.

The International Justice League of Friends with Benefits arrive at the scene of the crimes, Makeout Reef, where they see the Fiends Against the Grain tormenting this dude by pulling the feathers out of his love pillow. The dude is all like, "Hey man, that's not cool" as Mermaidman finally confronts the F.A.G.s. Manray calls him names like "Milk-made Man" (whatever the hell that means) as Mermaidman tells them to stop what they're doing. Barnacle Man is like "you and what army?" and the Friend with Benefits make their presence felt, striking fear into each F.A.G. like a cat at a dog show. Captain Orgasm shows of a stunning display of his power but Sloppy Seconds gets caught up in his demonstration and starts orgasing like no one's business. Bend Over tries to help Sloppy out, but is caught up in the heat of the moment. Mermaidman tries to cool down their sexual tension with one of his sweaty balls, but his bad eyesight cause him to shoot Captain Orgasm, who is drenched with sweat, pubes and ashes. Miss Period decides to take matters into her own hands and tries to catch the F.A.G.s from behind but she goes missing before she has the chance at doing so. With all his friends with benefits defeated, Mermaidman plops down like a pussy. Barnacle goes to rub it in his face before declaring his demands to the fallen hero. For starters, he wants to be called Barnacle MAN from now on. Second, he wants more independence and freedom to buy Playfin magazines as much as he pleases. Manray tries to peer pressure him into demanding world domination while Dirty Bubble pressures him to make Mermaidman eat his dick. He and Manray exchange glances as Dirty Bubble tries to recover from that awkward moment. Barnacle Boy finally demands that wants to wear Magnum condoms before helping Mermaidman up to his feet. Manray is all like "hey man, what the hell?!" while Dirty Bubble tells him how this reminds him of the time he went to Cancun and lost his virginity to the Killer Shrimp. Manray tells him "TMI" before face palming.

Back at the Krusty Krab, Mermaidman asks Barnacle MAN (although the Barnacle Man schtick wont stick for later eps) how it went with that hooker last night to which Barnacle MAN replies, that the Magnum was too big and slipped off mid-intercourse. He says he may be that baby's daddy. Everyone all share a good laugh as the Chef stops fingering himself and joins in too.

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They first come across a dude who offers to help them out by teaching them how to do it doggy style. He offers to be the pitcher as he instructs Spongebob and Patrick how to bring it around town.
It would be a sin not to sig this. You've done it again, OMJ.
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Since I have nothing better to do...

53a) New Student Starfish

One day, Spongebob gets up bright and early to go to boating school when Patrick invites him along to go Jellyfishing for about the umpteenth in the show. Spongebob declines, saying he has to go waste more tax payers' money by going to boating school. Patrick starts being a Debbie Downer when Spongebob asks him what he usually does when he's in class. Patrick says he mostly jerks off for about six hours with the occasional feeling of ecstasy knocking him out for a good hour or two. Spongebob, pitying Patrick over his apparent lack of a normal social life, invites him to class like some show and tell project. Skodwarde catches wind of this developing story and for the first time in what seems like in good couple of episodes, decides to stir some shit up. They get there by 6:20 when the class actually starts at 9:00. When Spongebob questions Spongebob about this, the playful sponge replies that he "gets in class by 7:00 but in home by 9:00". Patrick doesn't get this sexual tonge-in-cheek joke so Spongebob goes ahead and shows him the Good Noodle Board, Mrs. Puff's way of playing favorites. Spongebob goes on to explain that everyone in class is listed by the amount of times they noodle (urban dictionary is your friend) Mrs. Puff, and seeing as how no sane person would ever get turned on half way by the Puff Mama or let alone touch her with a ten foot pole, Spongebob is the undisputed Good Noodle of the class, I mean, how else can Spongebob still be enrolled after all the failed tests and run-ins with the law? Spongebob begins unnecessarily gloating about this before etching Patrick's name onto the board because apparently, that's how you register into "Mrs. Puff's boating school". Spongebob lastly shows the bad egg of the class, Roger. Spongebob tells Patrick that rumor has it, if he were ever to hatch, bad things would happen so that's why Mrs. Puff keeps a lightbulb lit over him at all times to confine him to his hard boiled prison. Skodwarde takes note of all this and decides to use it to his advantage and drive a wedge in Spongebob and Patrick's friendship.

Mrs. Puff comes in, fashionably late as always, and begins telling a joke about how she was driven away from a Starbucks at gunpoint on the way to school because she was wearing a hoodie but it was in bad taste. She notices a new student starfish (THERE IT IS!) in class and without consulting her records or anything, she asks him to tell the class his name. Brainfarting like crazy, he blurts out "24". Skodwarde then uses his god powers to make everybody in the class like the show "24" and Mrs. Puff tells him he has good taste before giving him a Good Noodle star, saying that hearing him say that almost gave her an orgasm. Patrick becomes the cool catfish in class in the eyes of his peers and Spongebob, in a jealous stupor, says that he watches a show even better than 24, "25". Everybody calls Spongebob a square and Mrs. Puff tells him to GTFO and get steppin' to the back of the class. The desk he's forced to sit at is old and smells something fierce. He notices a crudely drawn doodle of himself being fucked in the butt on the desk and asks himself, "why does that seem so familiar?"

Mrs. puff goes on with her long winded lesson about applying makeup behind the wheel as Patrick tries to get Spongebob's attention so he can tell him something. He chucks spitballs at him before flashing Spongebob his moobs. This gages Spongebob's interest as Patrick begins telling him about all the money he saved by switching his boat insurance to Geico. Spongebob explodes in anger, jizzing all over Mrs. Puff in the process. Skodwarde uses his god powers to ring the bell for recess to further his devious plot to drive the two friends apart. Spongebob calls Patrick out in the halls and Patrick gives him shoutout back. Spongebob confronts Patrick about having one of his noodle stars removed and having him moved to the back of the class and asks Patrick if he "like beef?!" Patrick replies, "No, I like chicken!" before they begin circling around the hall, sizing each other up before their fight. Skodwarde, sensing the fun and death in this, uses his god powers to attract a crowd of students as they all bust out their cameras and phones to tape the fight and upload it straight onto YouTube and entitle it "Puff Scraps". Spongebob attacks first with a flying heel kick that Patrick blocks before laying in a couple of rights and left onto the Sponge that's Bob. Spongebob backsteps the punches before kneeing Patrick below the belt. Before Spongebob can finish him off with his patented Karate Chop, Mrs. Puff steps in and disqualifies Spongebob for an illegal blow and puts them both in detention while videos of the fight make their way on the Internet.

In detention, Spongebob tells Patrick that he hates him to which Patrick responds by saying "tell that to your mother." Spongebob asks if he like beef again before Patrick once again affirms that he likes chicken. Spongebob tells him that he'll still hate Patrick even if the lightbulb keeping Roger at bay goes out. Skodwarde then uses his god powers to make the bulb go out over Roger. Spongebob and Patrick try to save face for about ten seconds before fearing for their lives as they begin telling spilling their guts over how much they love each other (as friends, ppl). They then work together to keep Roger at bay as Patrick runs off to get a spare bulb while Spongebob blows on the egg to keep Roger from coming out. Patrick reaches the supply closet but Skodwarde conjured up a mountain of lightbulbs to hinder his path to the only working lightbulb that is lighting the room, knowing full well Patrick would be too stupid to notice. But, in a brief flash of brilliance, Patrick grabs a spare lightbulb from the bottom of the huge pile, proving Skodwarde wrong and causing the mountain of glass and mercury to topple over the squid nazi.

Patrick returns in the nick of time but trips over his two left feet and runs into Spongebob, causing both the bulb and Roger to go flying across the classroom. Spongebob and Patrick go full on bullet-time and they both catch the bulb and egg before either could hit the ground. They put plug in the bulb and place Roger back on his pedestal before wan king each other off. Mrs. Puff comes in and reveals that she saw the whole thing unfold while fapping to it all behind her one-way chalkboard. For a fap well done, she awards them both a Good Noodle star. Skodwarde beams onto the scene, ranting about what this all has to do with Boating Lessons. Patrick says "Boating lessons? I thought this was a pole dancing class." before dropping out, adding more reason as to why Puff should get her teaching license revoked. Roger conveniently starts to hatch and blurts out "Did I do that?" as everybody tells him to "Go home, Roger!" Spongebob spends the rest of lunchtime earning himself some more Noodle points, Patrick spends the rest of his day working that pole like no one's business, and Skodwarde treats himself of mercury poisoning after being foiled once again. Spongebob and Patrick meet up at some makeshift boxing ring later in the night in full-on boxing gear. Patrick says they don't need to do this considering they already kissed and made up, but Spongebob feels Patrick let him off easy during their fight earlier. Spongebob asks Patrick if he like beef to which Patrick responds, "Nope, I like ding ding" sounding off the bell as the shot freeze frames on them clubbing each other with "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor playing in the background.

53b) Clams

One day, some poor sap happens to be the guy who gives Mr. Krabs his one millionth dollar. He asks what he wins for such a milestone and Mr. Krabs shouts out that he wins nothing before surprisingly telling all the Krustomers to GTFO to that the dollar and him can have their privacy, with exception of Skodwarde and Spongebob of course, who are subjected to watching Mr. Krabs fondle himself with his million. To commemorate this momentous occasion, Mr. Krabs decides to take his employees out on a trip as a way to say "Fuck you, I'm a millionaire". Mr. Krabs says it'll be a surprise as Skodwarde begins fantasizing himself being pampered and dolled up at the Playboy Mansion. Well, it shouldn't come off as a surprise to them by now that Eugene is fucking cheapskate since he takes them out on a trip on some smelly old boat in some stinking lagoon to fish for clams. Krabs tells them they won't keep their catch either since that will surely cost them more of me money. Pissed off beyond belief, Skodwarde summons a giant clam (played once again by special guest star, Michael Beck of "The Warriors" fame) to devour Krabs millionth dollar as he once again fondled himself with it as a way to say "Fuck you, you crustaceous cheapskate".

Krabs begins breaking down like a baby as Skodwarde comments, "What a baby." Krabs undergoes a mental breakdown and tells his crew that they won't be going anywhere without me millionth dollar. Curious to see how it plays out, Skodwarde extends his stay. Captain A. Krab forces Spongebob to descend into the grimy blue in a cage in order to lure out the great white clam. A. Krab begins calling Skodwarde by "Skodquay" and arms him with a speargun to slay the beast as they raise Spongebob from the water. A. Krab begins shouting out aimlessly about how Moldy Dick took me one millionth dollar away. Spongebob takes notice of Krabs' deteriorating sanity so he suggest that Skodquay give him a dollar he has in his pocket. Skodquay takes Spongebob's dollar and presents it to A. Krab, who begins fondling himself with it some more until he notices that the dollar feels crispier than me millionth dollar and notices that it was kissed by someone with Blu lipstick, which Spongebob says was from that hooker he laid the night before, trying to cover up his secret affinity for lipstick. A. Krab dunks Spongebob and Skodquay into the water for their treachery as Moldy Dick comes their way at lightning fast speeds. A. Krab takes his speargun and shoots Moldy Dick right as it came for Skodquay and Spongebob before diving in to retrieve me one millionth dollar. Skodquay uses his god powers to raise them from the water as all hope seems lost for Captain A. Krab. Spongebob begins bawling while Skodquay began to care less right as A. Krab ascended from the grimy blue with me one millionth dollar in hand. They help him back onto the ship where A. Krab tells them that me dollar came at the price of his penis, which he says it's nothing money cant buy. But says it was well worth it.

They set a course for home as Skodwarde uses his god powers to unleash a great white near the shores of Amity, but that's a movie for you to watch on your own.

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^Great stuff, Bromj.

Okay, here's a new episode from me! :D :D :D

54. Fuck (or, Skodwarde BC: Before Condoms)


Patchy the Pirate: Go away! Can't you see that I'm- I'm- oh, what the hell. I'm playing with myself, kids!


Patchy the Pirate is now in a caveman suit. "Hey, kids!" he says. "You know what I thought would be great? Let's take the focus off of me and tell a story about Skodwarde before condoms were invented!"

Potty the Parrot cums in and tells Patchy that that's a stupid idea and we should tell a story about futuristic condoms instead. But Patchy tells Potty that whoever wears the jizz-covered loincloth makes the rules. And so, the journey begins.

In the beginning there was darkness. Perfect, perfect darkness. Perfect for Skodwarde to masturbate without anyone seeing. But then, Skodwarde's nemesis, Skolliam, comes along and creates light, so Skodwarde's jizz is on public display. Skodwarde is so enraged by this that he takes away Skolliam's god powers for eternity. And there was evening and morning, the first day.

The next day, Skodwarde fapped so hard he created the universe. And there was evening and morning, the second day.

Fast forward to the Mesozoic Era, where Skodwarde lives in a tiki head that... is more stone-like, because it's in the past. Anyway, back in his rebellious teenage years, Skodwarde liked to go by the name "Skog". So that is what we shall call him. Anyway, Skog is rudely woken up by SpongeGar's overgrown snail jizzing all over his property. Outraged, he storms outside to give SpongeGar a piece of his mind. He speaks in the most sophisticated language at the time, Tabanga-Dooese. While SpongeGar wonders what the fuck he might be saying, Patar burtst onto the scene with his new stripper dance. Skog tells Patar to fuck off, so he does, furiously masturbating in the woods.

Miraculously, Patar's jizz causes a chemical reaction with some flint, thus creating fire. (Think about that when you're roasting marshmallows.) Anyway, Skog comes by, keeping a journal of his thoughts while trekking through the wilderness. He sees that Patar has discovered fire, and takes it. Patar is too busy jizzing to notice.

Skog sees the potential in fire, unlike Patar. He uses the fire to create eggs florentine over easy, with parsley seasoning and white wine reduction. SpongeGar notices that Skog has created a culinary masterpiece, and tries to take his fire. Skog uses his god powers to create a forcefield, effectively blocking SpongeGar from the fire. He also conjures up a barbershop quartet of women wearing fake mustaches, which helps to set the mood somehow. SpongeGar tries pushing against the forcefield, but to no avail. Suddenly, Patar finally realizes that Skog stole his fire and uses a pelvic thrust to break Skog's forcefield. After a series of hijinks involving god powers, playing with fire, blackmailing with photos, and sexual intruder vines, it starts to rain. But because the fire was created with the power of jizz, it does not go out. Instead, it thrives, and Skog ends up with it because he's just that awesome. He uses it to burn SpongeGar's porn magazines.

Oh, yeah. We should probably resolve the whole Patchy thing. Well, Patchy realizes that the future is far sexier than the past, and follows Potty on a journey into a futuristic porno shop, where the anemone porn is interactive.

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Here is my guest write ep:

55a. The Great Hooker Race

SpongeBob is taking Gary out for a walk. He sees Skodwarde getting a package in the mail, with the mailfish mistakenly pronouncing Skodwarde's last name as "Tentacles", and Skodwarde reveals his last name as "Testicles" to the mailfish, who delivers a snicker, but Skodwarde uses his god powers to blow him up. He opens a huge cage, which contains a hooker snail named Snellie. SpongeBob sees this and tells Gary that he has a new playmate. However, Skodwarde immediately protests and explains that Snellie is no ordinary snail, and tells SpongeBob she is a hooka snail. SpongeBob asks what a hooker is, and Skodwarde gives a lengthy and dirty explanation that has been cut out due to the FCC.

Skodwarde says that Snellie is going to be entered in the Bikini Bottom Hooke-I mean Snail Race on Sunday, where the most wealthiest pimps in the sea compete with their bitches. Patrick reads Snellie's certificate and misreads Skodwarde's name as "Titpoles", which makes Skodwarde angry, yet again. SpongeBob says that he would like to enter Gary, but cannot because Sunday is laundry day, and Gary is not a bitch. Skodwarde then tells SpongeBob that he can't enter Gary and says that it's because Gary is not slutty enough, which offends SpongeBob, who decides to enter Gary into the race. Patrick also decides to enter the competition with a sex doll named Carrie.

SpongeBob (wearing a fake mustache and a coach's outfit) begins brutally training Gary in preparation for the race. When SpongeBob calls Gary a "dirty skank", saying that it's "to humiliate and demean him". He makes Gary the dirtiest snail ever.

On the day of the race, Gary is exhausted from SpongeBob's brutal training. During the race, his eyes and shell explode, revealing a car engine, and he spirals out of control like a race car. SpongeBob, seeing the error of his ways, tells Gary that he can stop now, but Gary keeps on going. SpongeBob runs onto the track, where the announcer says that it's an "automatic disqualification". Gary hits the wall and explodes completely. Snellie, who is almost at the finish line, turns around to help Gary, and the two instantly fall in love. Skodwarde is shocked at this and walks onto the track, and SpongeBob says to him, "Looks like you and me are in-laws, eh, Skodwarde?". Skodwarde then sees that, much to his surprise, Patrick's sex doll won the race. Skodwarde is very upset by this, but Patrick then tells Skodwarde that he had the trophy engraved to him, and gives it to him, knowing how much Skodwarde wanted to win. Skodwarde thanks Patrick, but then reads the trophy, which reads "The 1st place Hook-I mean Snail Racing (dang my keyboard has a naughty mind) cup presented to Skowarde... TORTELLINI?!" He groans and says "Will I ever win?", and they all start laughing and then Sandy appears onscreen kicking SpongeBob offscreen yelling "That's for yesterday SquarePants, YOU SEXIST ASSHOLE!".


55b. Mid-Life Pedophiles

One morning, Mr. Krabs wakes up and looks at the mirror as he hears a song on the radio. In a satire of a mid-life crisis, Mr. Krabs begins to worry that he is older than he thought, and asks Pole if he's cool. Pole says that no-one says cool anymore, they say coral, and that when he says it, it sounds so un-coral. Pole then talks to her friends on the phone and said coral is definitely out, because of her crusty old father.

Mr. Krabs walks around Bikini Bottom, and he begins walking slowly. Someone behind him keeps telling him to pick up the pace, and Mr. Krabs sees he somehow has a blinker on his ass, and tears it off. He then meets some little kids who throw a ball at him, but he can't catch. He turns around to pick it up, but the kids get mooned from seeing Krab's ass and runaway in panic. Mr. Krabs then gets stuck in a line, and sees they are headed toward the cemetery. He goes COMPLETELY BATSHIT INSANE, thinking he is going to be buried. He then yells "I AIN'T OLD!" and runs away, with his ass flashing at the crowd. It is then revealed they were all in line for an ice cream stand. One old person asks, "What crawled up his ass and died?" as he gets his ice cream.

We see Mr. Krabs at the Krusty Krab, and a boy fish says his patty tastes funny. His mom says," Well, no wonder. It's all old and dried out. Like that pedophile right there," pointing to Mr. Krabs. She then tells him to throw it in the trash, and Mr. Krabs is shocked to see them throw away a perfectly good krabby patty, and he keeps it for sentimental value, because hey, why not. Mr. Krabs overhears SpongeBob and Patrick planning something that night, so he joins them. They start off by picking up used condoms, tampons and other sexual products that were tossed under the highway. They then come to a traffic light, and the three are on their bike called "The Underwater Ball Breaker". The fish to the side of them says, "Hey, you guys must be lost. Doofus Dicks Drive is around the corner!" SpongeBob and Patrick say thanks, and Mr. Krabs is shocked, as he says, "We used to kick people's asses for saying things like that!"

Their first destination was The Wash. They watch people's clothes be spun in a cycle in the washers while Mr. Krabs tries to observe some panties. They then have a montage of them doing "cool" things with the end result of the three being called pedophiles. For example, we see them at a little kid's pool and Patrick takes a nice mighty piss in the pool, with the little kids running out. They go back to The Wash where Mr. Krabs steals some underwear, bra and panties out of the washers with a woman slapping him with her purse.

Mr. Krabs tells SpongeBob and Patrick they are lame fuckers, all the things that they did was for immature teenagers, geeks, ect and with the children thinking they were pedophiles. Patrick then tells Mr. Krabs he will then miss the panty raid. Mr. Krabs then changes his mind and decided to come with them again. Mr. Krabs takes back all those nasty things he said about them. Everything went fine with the raid, until Mr. Krabs found out that he was in his mother's house. Her mother woke up, as we see Skodwarde in bed with his mother. Mama Krabs then sends him up to his room and grounds him for the rest of the night, while Skodwarde and Mama Krabs continue with their "business"...if you know what I mean.

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