Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)

[Clappy]

I eagerly await your best list is seriously all I have to say at this point because this is a damn good year where I can think of more than like two handfuls of songs that could be my number one, let alone yours too lol.

 

[4EverGreen]

I actually LIKE all the worst songs you picked...other than "Sea of Love." I'd just listen to THAT if it was a choice between THAT and anything written and/or sung by Justin Bieber!  So if I liked all the BAD songs, I can only imagine how GREAT the GOOD songs are!  I am anticipating it's arrival!

[SG19]

I guess you think "We Built This City" isn't as bad as some people make it out to be

[Joe Biden]

4 hours ago, Skodwarde said:

I guess you think "We Built This City" isn't as bad as some people make it out to be

Yeah, I really don't mind that song either. It's definitely no "Somebody to Love" but I really don't see any reason to harbor any hate towards it either. It's cheesy, yet not bad cheesy either.

 

Despite my slight defense of them a few pages ago, I can't say I'm a fan of REO Speedwagon. Only that "Take It on the Run" is okay.

 

Spoiler

By the way, I think the video for #9 is a little wrong. Apparently, that's "Crockett's Theme" from the same show, but not the actual theme. This is:

 

 

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

Pretty solid list, Wumbo.

[Wumbo]

YEAH!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NMph943tsw

Welcome back to our countdowns of the best songs of each year to make it big on Billboard. Folks, I wasn't kidding. We've got a mammoth of a year coming our way. The good songs were plentiful, and the great songs were amazing. So much so that I had to make some really nasty cuts to this list. But, if I am to keep it a Top 10, it's a necessity. Just know that just because a song didn't make my Top 10 this year, doesn't mean I don't love it all the same. But if we're looking at the best of the best, that's the way it's gotta be. So here we go! It's...

Wumbo's Top 10 Hits of 1985

Spoiler

 

The way artists from previous decades attempted to adapt to the 80s came to mixed results. Some could do it fine, and some just couldn't. The ones that couldn't don't make the list. Let's look at one that defrinitely could.

10. "We Don't Need Another Hero" - Tina Turner

 

I think the main reason that Tina Turner transitioned so well between decades is because her voice is just that powerful. She is by far one of the best singers to ever grace us with her voice. I mean, just listen to her performance. Any of her performances, really. They all knock me out.

And in the 80s, with powerful voices backed by powerful production reigning supreme, Tina fit right in. I absolutely love the way this song is structured. The pre-chorus builds up wonderfully to the chorus, where Tina just totally floors you with her vocals. Hell, even the children's choir somehow works, because Tina Turner just wills it to work. It's true that we don't need another hero, because Tina Turner fills that job wonderfully.

 

 

Spoiler

 

The 80s were a great time for music videos. They were the starting point, and also the point during which some of the most famous and widely remembered videos came to fruition. So it's notable when a great music video has a song that holds up just as well. And here it is.

9. "Take on Me" - a-ha

 

Both the video and the song feed each other, which I don't necessarily see as a bad thing. While the song is great, the video makes it ten times better, and the song perfectly soundtracks the video. A match made in 80s heaven.

This song is just relentlessly charming all the way through. Even with some of its broken-English lyrics, the sentiments still ring clear and the song still works. Lines like "it's no better to be safe than sorry" are perfect subversions of clichés that give the song its sentiment. And it's just got that raw 80s power, too. Every instrument, including lead singer Morten Harket's voice, builds to a great culmination at the end of every chorus. A keyboard solo there, a riff there, you've got yourself a great pop song. Take it on.

 

 

Spoiler

 

And speaking of great music videos... this one's not on YouTube. Enjoy the song, anyway!

8. "Money for Nothing" - Dire Straits

 

All right, so I'll address the elephant in the room first. The main hangup people have on this song are its homophobic lyrics in the second chorus, where the character narrating the song rails on this "f*ggot with the earring and the makeup". Actually, in Canada, this second verse was considered so controversial that playing the unedited version on the radio was temporarily banned. The ban has since been lifted, but is the verse that bad? Well... I'm of the mind that the word used is harmful, no matter what context it's in. South Park and Louis C.K. be damned. However, given the context, I don't believe that Mark Knopfler or the song is necessarily homophobic, at least not intentionally. The song is meant to be from the point of view of a jackoff looking at rock stars with a begrudging admiration, not from Mark Knopfler himself. However, words do matter, and anyone who's offended by this verse absolutely has grounds to be.

OKAY! Now that that's over, can we just enjoy this kickass song?

That riff is killer. You'd think it would get old being played over and over for eight minutes, but it really doesn't. It feels just as fresh the 20th time as it does the first. It's a surprisingly enduring song, and I totally place that on the riff. Hnoestly, the riff carries the whole song. Mark Knopfler could be singing about anything, as far as I'm concerned. Well, Mark Knopfler and Sting.

This song kicks serious ass. Possible homophobia aside, that riff fucking rocks and I love hearing it every time. Mark Knopfler sure wasn't making money for nothing.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Surprisingly, I only had room for one Tears for Fears song on this list. Here it is.

7. "Head Over Heels" - Tears for Fears

 

In 1985, Tears for Fears released their sophomore album, Songs from the Big Chair. It proved to be by far their most successful, spawning two number 1 hits as well as this one, "Head Over Heels". This ended up being my favourite of the bunch. It just seems to have the most going on. It's the most exciting to listen to, and it has the most replay value. I just love every musical moment of this song. The piano riff, the powerful vocals, and just the overall arrangement. This is a pop marvel, and in a year with many big-sounding songs, this was definitely one of the biggest. What can I say? I'm head over heels for "Head Over Heels".

 

 

Spoiler

 

 

I swear, I don't hate Phil Collins, okay? I just hate some of the choices he makes, is all.

Regardless of my feelings on him, 1985 proved to be a very successful year for Phil, with the release of his bestselling album No Jacket Required, spawning a plentiful amount of hit singles. None really struck a chord with me except this one... except it's not even really his song. Not really.

6. "Easy Lover" - Philip Bailey and Phil Collins

 

I can hear some Phil Collins in here, mostly in the arrangement and well, obviously, Phil Collins himself, but this song I feel is primarily a Philip Bailey song. It appeared on his album, and he's simply the more dynamic presence. I like Phil Collins, but he can't hold a candle to an Earth, Wind, and Fire member. Not that he really needs to. This song works just fine.

I just love the chemistry between these two performers. They sound like they're having so much fun performing together, and it comes through in the song. It's a wonderful track, and the best thing Phil Collins has done all year.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Sometimes you just need a pick-me-up song. nothing more, nothing less. This year, I can't think of a better song to fulfill that simple task than this one.

5. "Walking on Sunshine" - Katrina and the Waves

 

If there was ever a song that toed right up to the line where it would be too perky to annoy me without crossing it, it would be this one. And thank god it doesn't, because I wouldn't want to be the only one in the universe to dislike this song. How can you? It's so... relentlessly happy. Of all the songs of 1985, this is by far the most chipper and upbeat.

I honestly don't even think it belongs in the 80s. This feels like some kind of Mighty Mighty Bosstones jam with all the happiness of late 90s pop. But whatever era it's from, it kicks ass with its happy attitude and its effervescent beat. I never get tired of it, in spite of myself. It's a great song.

 

 

Spoiler

 

 

FFFFFFUCK YOU BRYAN A-ehh, you're okay, Bryan Adams.

Yeah, I just can't bring myself to hate on the guy. It might be conditioning; Bryan Adams' songs are a huge part of my childhood. But I don't know; there's just this sincerity every time he performs in his music. Now, that's not to say many of his songs are that great, but they're not that bad either. But if you wanna make this list, you have to be much, much better than "not bad". And one of Adams' singles managed to pull it off.

4. "Summer of '69" - Bryan Adams

 

I think even diehard haters of Bryan Adams couldn't bring themselves to hate this song. I can understand where the hate for Bryan Adams comes from, though. His songs can come off as schmaltzy, and his voice grating. But this song takes those complaints and turns them completely around. His voice fits perfectly with this hard rock groove, and the song pumps you up with its excitement. I honestly don't think Bryan Adams ever wrote a song this good since.

This is more interesting than "Heaven", a generic love song, and more charming than "Run to You", a song about cheating. It's a song about wistful nostalgia, and we can all relate to that. It's just got a great groove with a great storyline. There's a reason it's held up so well over the years, even as '69 gets farther and farther away. Despite the specific year, we can all relate to a story like this. It's told in an interesting and exciting way, and the song just rocks. Bryan Adams, you're all right. But this song in particular? Awesome.

 

 

Spoiler

 

 

We meet again, Wham!

Now, I talked earlier about how "Everything She Wants" failed for me because it was a middle-ground song that didn't utilize George Michael very well. Well... this next song is kinda like a middle ground, but I prefer to think of it as toned-down cheese. Just the right amount to make a catchy, fun pop song that i honestly don't feel embarrassed to listen to. That kind of freedom- oh darn, I just gave it away, didn't I?

3. "Freedom" - Wham!

 

It's honestly not a surprise to me that George Michael wanted to distance himself from this song when he released his solo "Freedom". And while I do love that song, I think this song is pretty damn great in its own right, too. "Freedom just seems like a good word for George Michael.

This is probably Wham! at their best. Making catchy pop music that has just the right amount of cheese to fit into the scene, but not so much that you get "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go". Like, seriously, that song is so lame. This one actually feels competent, like adults wrote it. But they still had a lot of fun doing it, and that's the perfect balance for Wham! there. I may not be the hugest fan of this band, but I think it's great that they had at least this one song in them to really knock me out with its pure pop fun. Wham!

 

 

Spoiler

 

I like to think that by this point I'm well-versed in pop music. I know all the big names, I know what I'm getting. So I feel pretty confident when I scroll through the list before ranking it in which songs have a shot at making my Top 10. But this one kinda suprised me. I knew next to nothing about this artist or this song before doing this list. All I know is I fucking love it.

2. "Lovergirl" - Teena Marie

 

In a year where Prince both penned and released songs, I would name this the best Prince song of the year. Actually, that's not fair to Teena Marie. Sure, there are definite shades of Prince in this song, but she also has a powerhouse voice that Prince could only dream of. Not saying that Prince has a bad voice, he's excellent. But Teena Marie brings a unique voice to 80s funk that sounds like a cross between Madonna and Pat Benatar. And it is fucking fantastic.

Like I said, I knew nothing about Teena Marie before this list. And right after listening to "Loverboy" by Billy Ocean, I was expecting this song to be just as cheesy and forgettable. But instead, it blew me out of the water. Every second of this song has such power, force, and groove packed into it. I wouldn't change a thing. This is a fucking pop masterpiece that the big names at the time wish they wrote. I gotta listen me to some more Teena Marie.

 

 

Spoiler

 

This year, I felt that importance was more directed on longevity than anything. A lot of songs this year stood the test of time and are still being played even today. They weren't just hits then, but even hits now. So for my top 10, I kept this in mind. And my #1 reflects this. The moment I saw it on the list, actually, I had a pretty good feeling it would top it. And here we are, and here it did.

Hey

hey

hey

HEY

OooooOOOoooOOOooooooohh ohhhhhhhh

1. "Don't You (Forget About Me)" - Simple Minds

 

To my mind, there is no song on this list that has stood the test of time better than this one. And I actually find that surprising. Listen to this song! It oozes 80's. You'd think that it would seem a little dated. But no. It feels as fresh as it did back then. I think a big part of that can be attributed to its use in the classic film The Breakfast Club, which I'm sure improved its longevity significantly. But I also think the song stands on its own as a pop masterpiece.

I think what really keeps it together is that drumming propelling the song forward, making space for the synths and Jim Kerr's voice. He's been described as Bowie-esque in his tone, and I can definitely hear it. He's got the inflections and the tone to justify that praise. This song, more than any other this year, has stuck with me over the years, because it's such a delightful, perfect pop jam. And I won't be forgetting about it anytime soon.

 

Full List:

Spoiler

 

1. "Don't You (Forget About Me)" - Simple Minds

2. "Lovergirl" - Teena Marie

3. "Freedom" - Wham!

4. "Summer of '69" - Bryan Adams

5. "Walking on Sunshine" - Katrina and the Waves

6. "Easy Lover" - Philip Bailey and Phil Collins

7. "Head Over Heels" - Tears for Fears

8. "Money for Nothing" - Dire Straits

9. "Take on Me" - a-ha

10. "We Don't Need Another Hero" - Tina Turner

11. "The Power of Love" - Huey Lewis and the News

12. "Raspberry Beret" - Prince and The Revolution

13. "Careless Whisper" - Wham! ft. George Michael

14. "St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)" - John Parr

15. "Would I Lie to You?" - Eurythmics

16. "A View to a Kill" - Duran Duran

17. "Material Girl" - Madonna

18. "One Night in Bangkok" - Murray Head

19. "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free" - Sting

20. "The Boys of Summer" - Don Henley

21. "What About Love" - Heart

22. "Lonely Ol' Night" - John Cougar Mellencamp

23. "Shout" - Tears for Fears

24. "Saving All My Love For You" - Whitney Houston

25. "Fortress Around Your Heart" - Sting

26. "Obsession" - Animotion

27. "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" - Tears for Fears

28. "We Belong" - Pat Benatar

29. "Axel F" - Harold Faltermeyer

30. "Better Be Good to Me" - Tina Turner

31. "Voices Carry" - 'Til Tuesday

32. "Jungle Love" - The Time

33. "Born in the U.S.A." - Bruce Springsteen

34. "Freeway of Love" - Aretha Franklin

35. "Some Like It Hot" - Power Station

36. "Private Dancer" - Tina Turner

37. "Who's Zoomin' Who" - Aretha Franklin

38. "Fresh" - Kool & the Gang

39. "Lay Your Hands on Me" - Thompson Twins

40. "I'm on Fire" - Bruce Springsteen

41. "Angel" - Madonna

42. "Method of Modern Love" - Hall & Oates

43. "Misled" - Kool & the Gang

44. "Solid" - Ashford & Simpson

45. "Nightshift" - Commodores

46. "Missing You" - Diana Ross

47. "Out of Touch" - Hall & Oates

48. "Too Late for Goodbyes" - Julian Lennon

49. "Neutron Dance" - The Pointer Sisters

50. "I Feel for You" - Chaka Khan

51. "Suddenly" - Billy Ocean

52. "Part-Time Lover" - Stevie Wonder

53. "Like a Virgin" - Madonna

54. "Run to You" - Bryan Adams

55. "Glory Days" - Bruce Springsteen

56. "Don't Lose My Number" - Phil Collins

57. "All Through the Night" - Cyndi Lauper

58. "I Can't Hold Back" - Survivor

59. "The Heat is On" - Glenn Frey

60. "Dress You Up" - Madonna

61. "I Want to Know What Love Is" - Foreigner

62. "You Give Good Love" - Whitney Houston

63. "Things Can Only Get Better" - Howard Jones

64. "You Belong to the City" - Glenn Frey

65. "Valotte" - Julian Lennon

66. "Loverboy" - Billy Ocean

67. "The Wild Boys" - Duran Duran

68. "In My House" - Mary Jane Girls

69. "Smooth Operator" - Sade

70. "No More Lonely Nights" - Paul McCartney

71. "Heaven" - Bryan Adams

72. "All She Wants to Do Is Dance" - Don Henley

73. "Separate Lives" - Phil Collins and Marilyn Martin

74. "Everytime You Go Away" - Paul Young

75. "Oh Sheila" - Ready for the World

76. "Who's Holding Donna Now" - DeBarge

77. "Be Near Me" - ABC

78. "Rhythm of the Night" - DeBarge

79. "California Girls" - David Lee Roth

80. "Do What You Do" - Jermaine Jackson

81. "Sentimental Street" - Night Ranger

82. "Cherish" - Kool & the Gang

83. "Sussudio" - Phil Collins

84. "Crazy for You" - Madonna

85. "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" - Wham!

86. "Strut" - Sheena Easton

87. "The Search Is Over" - Survivor

88. "Never Surrender" - Corey Hart

89. "Penny Lover" - Lionel Richie

90. "We Built This City" - Starship

91. "You're the Inspiration" - Chicago

92. "Miami Vice Theme" - Jan Hammer

93. "Cool It Now" - New Edition

94. "Everything She Wants" - Wham!

95. "We Are the World" - USA for Africa

96. "One More Night" - Phil Collins

97. "All I Need" - Jack Wagner

98. "Can't Fight This Feeling" - REO Speedwagon

99. "Sugar Walls" - Sheena Easton

100. "Sea of Love" - The Honeydrippers

 

 

[Katniss]

This best list was a delight to read! The top 10 is very solid IMO. 

Your thoughts on:

Material Girl

Careless Whisper

The Power of Love

The Boys of Summer

Everybody Wants to Rule the World

Like a Virgin

[Joe Biden]

I think Bryan Adams said at one point that the number 69 in the title stood for the sexual position and not just 1969 but I'll let you guys find out by yourselves.

 

Anyways, awesome year, awesome list. Thoughts on:

Raspberry Beret

St. Elmo's Fire

Axel F

Voices Carry

Method of Modern Love

BOOOOORN IN THE USA

Don't Lose My Number

The Heat Is On

Things Can Only Get Better

Part-Time Lover

[Steel Sponge]

seriously man, Everybody Wants to Rule the World, only at #27???

Very interesting list, with some surprising choices, I'll have to admit. I'm not surprised by your #1, but I'm one of few who don't see so much from it after so many re-listens, but hey (hey HEY), it's still a very solid track.

Anyways, you know what to do:

 

Would I Lie to You?

Loverboy

We Built This City

Never Surrender

You Belong to the City

Who's Zoomin' Who / Freeway of Love

Sussudio

Run to You

Crazy for You

Shout

Too Late for Goodbyes

Smooth Operator

I Want to Know What Love Is

One Night in Bangkok

Edited June 7, 2017 by Steel Sponge

[4EverGreen]

Unpopular opinion time; first off...what the actual H***?!!!  How DARE you put "We Built This City" by Starship ONLY at #90?!!!  It should be in the top THREE, minimum!!!!  "The Power of Love" should be in the top three to, over Teena Marie's "Lover Girl!" /

Phew...okay, rant over! Thoughts on:

16. "A View to a Kill" - Duran Duran

19. "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free" - Sting

24. "Saving All My Love For You" - Whitney Houston

25. "Fortress Around Your Heart" - Sting

26. "Obsession" - Animotion

28. "We Belong" - Pat Benatar

35. "Some Like It Hot" - Power Station

36. "Private Dancer" - Tina Turner

67. "The Wild Boys" - Duran Duran

68. "In My House" - Mary Jane Girls

70. "No More Lonely Nights" - Paul McCartney

71. "Heaven" - Bryan Adams

72. "All She Wants to Do Is Dance" - Don Henley

74. "Everytime You Go Away" - Paul Young

75. "Oh Sheila" - Ready for the World

76. "Who's Holding Donna Now" - DeBarge

78. "Rhythm of the Night" - DeBarge

79. "California Girls" - David Lee Roth

82. "Cherish" - Kool & the Gang

85. "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" - Wham!

86. "Strut" - Sheena Easton /

(I'm a BIG fan of this year, in case you hadn't noticed!)

[Wumbo]

I'll get to my thoughts soon but lmao we built this city in the top 3 give me whatever you're smoking

[Wumbo]

"Material Girl": For me, Madonna's most memorable and best song of this year. It's got the best groove to it and is just the most interesting overall.

"Careless Whisper": It's kind of nice for Wham! to just let the song breathe so George Micheal can really show off his vocal chops. This song works really well for that reason alone.

"The Power of Love": Sooo close. So freakin' close. Unfortunately, if this Huey Lewis song couldn't make it to the Top 10, I doubt any will.

"The Boys of Summer": Of the two Eagles releasing solo stuff this year, Don Henley got the nod for the best song for me. Now here's a song that should have been a theme song to something. It's so infectiously 80s.

"Everybody Wants to Rule the World": I dunno, like, I love Tears for Fears and I like the song fine, but every time I listen to it I always expect it to go somewhere with the melody and it... never does. Just leaves off where it started, with maybe an amplification of everything and that's it. Still a good song, but not Top 10 worthy.

"Like a Virgin": Compared to "Material Girl", this song actually kinda falls a bit flat for me. It's still decent enough, I guess, but it's a little too slow of a melody for me. Not really much going on. HEY!

"Raspberry Beret": You know it's a good year if Prince can't make it to the Top 10, This is still an awesome pop jam, but Prince has done better.

"St. Elmo's Fire": 1985 was rife with burly white dude songs, many of which I ended up liking in spite of myself. This was one of them.

"Axel F": Any version without Crazy Frog is good enough for me.

"Voices Carry": Even with all the instrumentation, this feels like one of the more lowkey songs of the year, which isn't necessarily a good or bad thing, but regardless of that this song is pretty damn good. Love the singer.

"Method of Modern Love": I can't imagine how this could make anyone's list of the worst songs of this year. Is it Hall and Oates' best? No. But it's still a decent track.

"Born in the USA": God dammit Double Agent you are such a twit what was THE DROP not enough for you stop doing videos with 40 year old men

"Don't Lose My Number": Phil Collins plays off like a slightly more energetic Lionel Richie on this one. Still better than whatever the hell he's doing on "Sussudio".

"The Heat is On": I like Glenn Frey, but in the shuffle of pop rock this year, he kinda got lost.

"Things Can Only Get Better": Get me in the wrong mood, and this is the most annoying thing in the universe. Get me in a good mood.... eh, it's okay.

"Part-Time Lover": One of the better songs from Stevie's 80s catalog, unfortunately that really doesn't say much.

"Would I Lie to You?": Eurythmics are always a good thing. Always.

"Loverboy": Extremely mediocre. It's no "Lovergirl".

"We Built This City": This is bad in exactly the same way "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" is bad. It's cheesy and stupid without purpose. What's worse is that it comes from Jefferson Airplane members, which... holy crap, the drop in quality is unbelievable. It actually makes me upset just thinking about it.

"Never Surrender": Corey Hart was never really any good. I'm allowed to say that because I'm Canadian.

"You Belong to the City": Another Glenn Frey song that's just okay to me. Nothing special.

Aretha Franklin: Her output in the 80s was noticeably cheesier than previous work, but I still give it a pass because it's Aretha, and Aretha is awesome.

"Sussudio": Unlike the Howard Jones song, catch me in any mood and this is the most annoying thing in the universe. Phil... why?

"Run to You": I give points to Bryan Adams for at least displaying passion in the vocals, but this song has always kinda rubbed me the wrong way at the same time. Lyrically, it just comes off as really douchey, even for a song about cheating. I'm down with "O.P.P.", but not with this. If the song didn't sound as good as it did, it would be much lower.

"Crazy for You": I've completely forgotten about this Madonna song. How was this her biggest hit of the year?

"Shout": More interesting than "Everybody", but less interesting than "Head Over Heels". In the middle of them you go.

"Too Late for Goodbyes": I was never thrilled with John Lennon's solo work near the end of his career, and Julian appears to be going for the same style. Honestly, I think he does it a little better, actually.

"Smooth Operator": Points for at least being different, but my god is this tedious. CHICAGO IS NOT ON THE COAST!

"I Want to Know What Love Is": I love Foreigner, but this is definitely one of their lesser tracks. If Lou Gramm didn't have such a great voice, this would be much lower.

"One Night in Bangkok": I gotta catch Chess one of these days, if only to see what the hell it's all about. Go figure that this is one of my favourite ABBA tracks and it's not even performed by ABBA.

"A View to a Kill": Duran Duran are one of the most slick and polished acts of the 80s when they want to be, and it definitely works in their favour.

"If You Love Somebody Set Them Free": Sting's solo output is so ridiculous, but I can't help but find charm in its earnest weirdness.

"Saving All My Love for You": Probably one of my favourite Whitney Houston ballads. See, I don't think they're all bad!

"Fortress Around Your Heart": While I think this fails to have the star power that the Sting song above does, I still find it quite enjoyable. The buildup to the chorus in particular sticks with me.

"Obsession": This is probably one of the more disposable songs of this year for me, but it's still got a groove I can dig.

"We Belong": I love Pat Benatar, but this is probably one of her lesser songs. She still carries it, but give me early 80s Pat Benatar any day.

"Some Like It Hot": Kinda forgettable, but I do remember liking it.

"Private Dancer": The least of the Tina Turner songs this year is still a Tina Turner song.

"The Wild Boys": I don't think this is Bottom 10 bad, but it does get grating after a few listens. Like I said, Duran Duran are best when they're sleek and polished, and this is anything but for the most part.

"In My House": Barely remember this. Pointer Sisters you are not.

"No More Lonely Nights": God, it's sad how much of The Beatles' solo work is just so crushingly dull.

"Heaven": Speaking of crushingly dull...

"All She Wants to Do Is Dance": This song has always annoyed the crap out of me. "The Boys of Summer" it is not.

"Everytime You Go Away": Speaking of crushingly dull...

"Oh Sheila": Ready for the world it doesn't even sound like you were ready to record this song

DeBarge: I will never understand how, in the era of Prince, we let El DeBarge have hit songs. Lionel Richie at his corniest still had more dignity than this joker.

"California Girls": Look I may not like The Beach Boys that much but even I wouldn't wish this upon them. Almost all of David Lee Both's solo songs only prove how much he needs his band.

"Cherish": More like uncool & the gang

"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go": Any song that starts with "You put the boom boom into my heart" needs to be flushed down the toilet and restarted. A grown man wrote this. Think about that.

"Strut": Look Sheena, maybe it's best if you just stuck to being a background vocalist for Prince.

[Wumbo]

All right, with that all finally said and done, on to the next year! Say, you know what decade I, or rather my RNG, has been severely neglecting? The 90's. Let's fix that with a hefty dosage of the 90's at possibly their strangest. Let';s go with...

1991

As the first person on SBC to cover this year in music, I'll do my best. Top and Bottom 10 hopefully at the end of this month!

(luv u fred)

[Joe Biden]

I'M SUING YOU SEE YOU IN COURT

 

From a year with Bryan Adams to a year with more Bryan Adams, this'll be fun. Hopefully, I can give you some ideas. 

 

 

Spoiler

 

 

[4EverGreen]

I wonder where YOU will put "Everything I do, I do it for You", on YOUR 1991 list? It will be interesting to read, that's for sure!

[Wumbo]

Ohhh, man. 1991 was quite the year.

 

What do I mean by this? Well, not necessarily good or bad, but certainly strange. I could pick up a few themes with R&B going through this year, but it mostly just seemed like a total mish-mash of stuffs. There seemed to be few instances of longevity for these artists; I couldn't tell you much about many of these guys apart from the fact that they had at least one hit in 1991. Beyond that, I'm a little stymied. But one thing I can do is present to you the best and worst this year had to offer. Starting with the latter, as we always do. Let's go!

Wumbo's Bottom 10 Hits of 1991

Spoiler

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGoWtY_h4xo

Okay... maybe I need to re-think my guilty pleasures list entirely, because... god damn, this song. It really is a stinker. But is it Bottom 10 worthy? Well... no. I honestly do think there is some genuine sincerity put behind these painfully vague, clichéd lyrics, and somehow that makes it a little easier to swallow. On the other end of the spectrum, you have this.

10. "Every Heartbeat" - Amy Grant

 

I have very little use for Amy Grant, and songs like these are the exact reason why. They're just so saccharin without any substance. I can feel my teeth rotting just listening to this. This sounds like an overly enthusiastic commercial for Tide or something.

And maybe that shouldn't be enough to put it on a worst list. Certainly, being chipper isn't a bad thing unto itself. But for some reason, Amy Grant just hits the bullseye of wrong for me. Something about her performance just pisses me off. It's simultaneously too chipper and too mellow. How do you do that?

Well, she found a way, and we're all the worse off for it. What a dumb little song.

 

 

Spoiler

 

You kind of had two classes this year with R&B songs. You had your actual R&B superstars, Prince, Boyz II Men, what have you. Then you had... the wannabes.

9. "Hold You Tight" - Tara Kemp

 

This is a limp R&B jam if I've ever heard one. I have no idea how this got so big. It gives off the exact same vibe to me that Silver Convention did back in the 70's: boring, cheesy, and pointless. At the very least, Tara Kemp seems a little more lively behind the mic, but not much. That chorus is weeeeak.

http://ytcropper.com/cropped/Be594f2bb9de10d

The passion. The emotion. The enthusiasm. None of it exists here.

"Hold You Tight" is like if you took all the leftovers of 1991 R&B and made a song out of it. It seems to be only half-trying, and not putting in full effort is definitely a musical crime in my books. Then there's that point near the end where she appears to be channeling Jerry Lewis.

http://ytcropper.com/cropped/Be594f2c52307a6

IIIIII just wanna hold you tight with the nice LAAAAADYYYYY

I don't even know what else to say. This was clearly one of the rightly forgotten artists of 1991. What a fucking trash song.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Hey, guys! Are you religious? Or maybe not? Well, it doesn't matter. This song blows either way.

8. "From a Distance" - Bette Midler

 

Now, in all fairness to Bette Midler, she didn't write this. If I wrote this, I would never want to show my face again. These lyrics are just complete garbage. Is this supposed to be inspiring? Having a God which watches over us but not close enough to see the problem in the world and fix them? Omnipotence indeed.

The lyrics are either inane or insane, and that's not a good combo. It doesn't help that the melody and performance are both so bare-bones that these lyrics are all you have to focus on. The theme of this song is what is viewed "from a distance"; it's in the god damn title, for God's sake. I'm sorry, that doesn't make for a very inspirational message. Being out of focus to the problems in the world isn't inspirational, it's lazy. This is a song with a lazy message. Maybe to Bette Midler it sounded inspirational, but to me it just sounds like malarkey. Next.

 

Spoiler

 

I don't have much faith in the American public. Sorry, y'all. Donald Trump got elected president, there's really not much hope left to muster. But maybe I should have seen it coming. In 2016, the public fell for Donald Trump. In 1991, they fell for this.

7. "Justify My Love" - Madonna

 

That's how I view this song: as a prank played by Madonna and Lenny Kravitz to see just how readily the public would be able to accept any oversexed horseshit she pushed out upon us. The public responded with resounding acceptance, and this song reached #1. I don't get it. It doesn't even sound finished. It sounds like a demo version of a song, or maybe trailer music to a low-budget late '80s porno.

1991 still had the 90's sort of struggling to find an identity, with genres like hair metal still being able to notch hits. I'm not sure where this fits into the mix, but I feel pretty safe in calling it complete crap. I have no idea why not only the public, but the critics readily accepted this. Different doesn't always mean better, and this song is proof of that.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Oh, god...

6. "Baby Baby" - Amy Grant

 

I really don't like to repeat myself so much in these countdowns, especially with the same artist appearing twice. But... really now, this is ungodly lame, right? This overproduced, undersung piece of cheese that has no business being a hit.

This doesn't feel like a real relationship. This feels like a song. Let me explain what I mean. If I can see the wires and lights behind the movie, unintentionally, then it's a bad movie because I have failed to be captivated by anything happening in the movie. It works the same with music. If you give me nothing to jump onto, I have no emotional attachment to it and it leaves me feeling cold and cheated. Bottom line: Amy Grant may not be one of my favourite artists of all time. I think it's safe to say that I hate this artist.

 

Michael W. Smith, the other contemporary Christian artist of this year, even with his broken dentist's drill voice, at least sounded sincere and wanted to get across a message that makes sense for him to convey. Here, Amy Grant is simply trying too hard to write a typical love song, and somehow even with the simple task of that, she's still out of her depth. Why did we let such wanton mediocrity get big? I don't understand. This song inspires the opposite of any love in me.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Well, it was inevitable that we'd get to this garbage heap of a band eventually.

 

UB40 are just flat crap, okay? I refuse to even acknowledge their existence unless I'm obligated to do so through the means of making one of these lists. It just so happens that the time has come. So here we go.

5. "Here I Am (Come and Take Me)" - UB40

 

I will never, ever understand how this band got so many hits. Every single one of their songs, or rather, versions of other people's songs, sound like absolute garbage. Why would you ever choose to listen to this when you could listen to Al Green's version instead?

 

Listen to these versions back-to-back. Doesn't one sound like such a watered-down, sterile version of the other? It doesn't help that Ali Campbell has potentially one of the worst voices in music history. I mean ever. His voice always sounds like a toddler on the verge of a temper tantrum.

You really think you can replace Al Green with Ali Campbell? Just because their names start the same doesn't mean they have anything to do with each other! Well, other than one shamelessly waters down the others' music. But ya get me. Bottom line: UB40 are a garbage, garbage band, and to promote them in any way is to be okay with garbage music. Next!

 

 

Spoiler

 

1991 had a penchant for just making the straight-up talentless famous. Even if it was for only one hit song, 1991 had a plethora of talentless blowhards much bigger than they ever should have been swarming the charts. Why this year in particular? I can only presume in attempts to fill the void ever since the 80s left, leaving only its worst remains. But the fact remains: the main theme of this Bottom 5 is simply looking at artists with negative amounts of talent. Artists that have no business being in the public consciousness whatsoever. Here's one of them.

4. "Rico Suave" - Gerardo

 

I know I could have posted the official music video for this, but I wanted to post this one just to illustrate how big Gerardo was. The Oprah Show. He was on Oprah Winfrey's show. This man. Rico Suave.

I think Todd said this already, but pretty much the only saving grace of the song is that half-hook in which he says his alter ego name ever so... lusciously. Rico... Suave...

Beyond that, though, you've got some jackoff alternating between English and Spanish without appearing to have much of a grasp on either language, talking about subjects like puking up your mom's cooking and infidelity... sounds like a catch!

But what really puts it over the top of badness for me is this guy's voice. Beyond the hook, Gerardo sounds like a 15-year-old boy in way over his head. Like mommy and daddy told him to pursue a rapping career and no one else did. And no one should have. This is the second-worst rap song of this year, truly.

http://ytcropper.com/cropped/Ek59594ba06e4b9

But there ain't no comin' back from this, Oprah. Sorry.

 

 

Spoiler

 

The second-worst rap song? What could be the worst? You have to ask? GO WHITE BOY GO WHITE BOY-

3. "Play That Funky Music" - Vanilla Ice

 

This song is an affront to human dignity. Every single person involved in this should be ashamed of themselves. The very idea of this guy making his own version of one of the greatest funk songs of all time should have been taken out and shot before it ever came to fruition. Real talk: what was anyone thinking when they made this? At least Gerardo, with all his faults, had some bite to his voice. This is... this is just pathetic.

Why even invoke "Play That Funky Music" into your song? As history showed, you clearly didn't have the rights to invoke the song, it really doesn't add anything to a song already dead on arrival, so why do it? Did you really think you could put yourself on the same "white people doing black music" level that Wild Cherry did? That is a laugh and a half. Try scrounging up some actual talent within yourself first, will ya?

The whole song just sounds so weak. Not even just Ice himself, although he is a major problem. This beat is worthless. Not distinctive in any way, and it almost feels like it's turned down ten notches lower than it should be. All the better to hear Ice's "dope rhymes", I suppose. *shudder*

Look, if you want to hear funky music in any way, shape or form this year, listen to Prince, for God's sake. Don't waste any time on this decidedly not-funky white boyeeee, and let's let him rot into obscurity once more. Sound good? Alright then.

 

 

Spoiler

 

And speaking of fading into obscurity, my number 2 pick.

2. "One More Try" - Timmy T

 

See, Timmy T didn't need any scandals or embarrassments to fade into the pop music ether. He did it all on his own by having a song that just sounds like wretched stale dogshit. Yet another "freestyle" hit, by the way, a genre I still don't get and I don't think will ever really get. I just know it completely sucks.

I don't even know where to begin. I could talk about Timmy T's wretched, undersung, not-giving-a-shit performance, I could talk about this overwrought musical track clearly trying to make up for everything he lacks, I could point out these incredibly weak, vague-as-shit lyrics, or I could just forget about this song like everyone else has. I kinda want to go with option 4 at this point.

 

And obviously, I would be remiss not to mention Timmy T's soul sister of weird 1991 hits, Stevie B. While that song is pretty much garbage as well, there's one striking difference between the two to me: Stevie B is trying very, very hard. It doesn't work, but I can at least hear the effort in his performance. This clown, however?

http://ytcropper.com/cropped/hc595950c4301f5

Wow. How fuckin' romantic. No, really, did you record that in multiple takes? I really hope not, because there's no way you could have delivered that part any flatter with any less effort. What a waste of breath. Go cry in your mullet, Timmy T. No more tries for you.

 

 

Spoiler

 

And to top off our list of shit, in particular our list of pathetic, talentless shit, we bring it back to the affirmative shitstain of 1991's music, UB40. Go to hell.

1. "The Way You Do the Things You Do" - UB40

 

Yes. Of all the pathetic, wretched wastes of space of the charts this year, this one belongs at the top for me. And I'll tell you why. Of all the songs this year, even the other UB40 song, this is the one I feel is simply the most sneering in its incompetence. It's in that realm where I could almost buy it as a parody of stiff lame white music, if not for my firm assertion that UB40 just plain sucks and would never do something that subversive. Why are there so many screaming fans at this concert?! THEY'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING! THIS COVER GOES NOWHERE! There's no fucking cadence in Ali Campbell's wretched toddler voice, the music sounds as stiff and sterile as ever, and everything great about The Temptations' version is completely stripped away. Fuck this cover. Nothing sours me more than a wretched cover of a classic song, and honestly, this may be one of the worst examples yet. God, just... fuck UB40. Somebody get me some red red wine so I can completely forget about their existence.

 

 

[Joe Biden]

Interesting choices here. Seeing as how I did my 1991 lists too, I figured that I should compare.

Spoiler

- "Hold You Tight" was ranked around the 60s on my list. That's basically the area where I lost track of most songs and artists in 1991. Both of her songs this year were quite forgettable.

- "Rico Suave" was quite close to making my Bottom 10. Honestly surprised he missed my list but I think I was too fixated on other bad artists.

- I honestly find Stevie B's song worse than Timmy T's but I think that's probably because of Stevie's voice and the production of the song. To go with the obnoxious or the dull, I guess I chose the former. "One More Try" is still pretty dull though and deserved a spot on my list.

- Glad to see both UB40 songs on the list. Also glad to see "Way You Do the Things" as #1. While the song I made my least favorite was only just life-less and numbing, that song was at my #2 spot and would've probably made my #1 spot had it not been for "Sadeness".

Anyways, can't wait for the best list!

[Burgerpants]

After all these years, i'm still not sure why that was what Timmy Turner did after he lost his fairies.

[4EverGreen]

Wumbo, if it's any consolation to you, "Justify My Love" was actually PANNED by critics as being the creative LOW point of Madonna's career! I can't wait for the top ten!

[Wumbo]

37 minutes ago, 4EverGreen said:

Wumbo, if it's any consolation to you, "Justify My Love" was actually PANNED by critics as being the creative LOW point of Madonna's career! I can't wait for the top ten!

Huh. From what I read, they seemed to love it when it came out. Maybe a retcon as time went on?