Clappy vs Billboard Hot 100

[Clappy]

Pretty much everything that wasn't "Perry's done this before with E.T" or anything that had to with Juicy J's verse (mostly)

For all the talk about the contradicting "why is she coming on to him I thought he was coming on to her", I'm pretty sure that entire complaint can be handwaved if you look at the song's concept as a mutual love, but the witch is just warning him that she's dangerous but "comes at him like a dark horse" anyway. J's verse wasn't even that bad aside from the Dahmer line, it was literally just a bunch of puns and one bad line does not a bad verse make.

Even if what I said didn't matter, those were just about the only complaints I could spot, and I don't think that a lyrical contradiction, a meh guest verse, and a (somewhat) similar theme to another track makes this a bad song, much less a "terrible" one. We're most likely different because I find lyrics the least important aspect of a song, but I think what I said still stands regardless. Katy makes dumb, fun music- I think this is one of those cases where you just turn your brain off and enjoy. I honestly wish Prism was more like this song and E.T- darker, more mature music like she said it was going to be originally- then what Prism eventually turned out as.

i think im one of the only people who liked kanye on et

Ok maybe terrible was too strong of a word. I don't like this song though regardless.

I don't get the vibes of mutual love from this at all, but I can see it from your perspective. Maybe if Katy Perry would show more confliction about this love than I would understand a better, but she comes off as a female Nate Dogg singing in her lower register for most of Dark Horse. It just sounds like she is bored and going through the motions.

Oh and Juicy J. You are the first to defend his part as far as I'm aware because I absolutely can't stand it just like all my other friends that I've talked to about Dark Horse. The Jeffrey Dahmer joke just absolutely ruins his part because it is too "dark" for a stupid song like this one. I mean comparing witch Katy Perry to one of the infamous serial killers of all time? Sorry, but that throws anything else he says how out the window because you just compared her to fucking Jeffrey Dahmer.

But yeah the production is good. I'll give it that, but an unmotivated Katy Perry, conflicting lyrics, Juicy J's serial killing guest verse, and just this song being done better as E.T. and I disliked E.T.

[Wumbo]

I dunno. While I enjoyed your review, I can't say I hate this song. It needs some touching up here and there, and I'm not a huge fan of Juicy J's verse, but overall, I like it, especially the chorus. Also, in case y'all are wondering, I didn't mind "E.T." either. In fact, it's one of the few songs I enjoyed from that terrible album.

[Young Nug]

The Jeffrey Dahmer joke just absolutely ruins his part because it is too "dark" for a stupid song like this one. I mean comparing witch Katy Perry to one of the infamous serial killers of all time? Sorry, but that throws anything else he says how out the window because you just compared her to fucking Jeffrey Dahmer.

 

one bad line does not a bad verse make.

 

It was a bad line, but it's not like his whole verse was comparing Katy to Casey Anthony and the like. It was just one line in an okay verse.

[Clappy]

It was a bad line, but it's not like his whole verse was comparing Katy to Casey Anthony and the like. It was just one line in an okay verse.

Sorry I disagree. I absolutely hate the Jeffrey Dahmer line.

But even if it didn't exist I don't think anything else Juicy J really says makes much of an impact because it does nothing. Although comparing Katy Perry's love to a drug and being addicted was a good metaphor. Everything else though just does nothing to warrant Juicy J's inclusion because it's all boring filler which is why I kept making all those Jeffrey Dahmer marks.

Although I have to admit you made me laugh with the Casey Anthony thing.

[Doctor Sex]

I don't really like the song much either. Katey Perry's singing I don't really care for and don't wanna analyze it to much. Same with Juicy J sorry Elastic but Juicy J is a hardcore sellout (although his flow is still pretty good). As for the beat don't hear the trap influence sounds like a wannabe Flying Lotus beat. Also pretty much every rap hit nowadays has a trap style beat (not this though)

[Ron]

Love ya Clappy, but I have to disagree with a few things here. 

 

It's pronounced "UN-con-DI-tionally." It is not "un-condi-TION-ally." Nor is it "un-CON-ditionally." Christ Katy Perry. That pisses me off so much. 

 

This pissed me off; it's such a needless nitpick imo. While I agree the song is somewhat boring, I commend Katy Perry for releasing it as a single because it was a risk in her otherwise commercially-spotless career. 

 

 

She’s a beast
I call her Karma (come back)
She eats your heart out
Like Jeffrey Dahmer (woo)

Oh comparing Katy Perry to Jeffrey Dahmer. That's a pleasant metaphor. *vomits*

 

That's a simile, not a metaphor. 

 

 

So you wanna play with magic
Boy, you should know what you're falling for

Yeah he's falling for a very unenthusiastic, yet seductive witch.

 

Baby do you dare to do this?
Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse

You are coming at him like a dark horse? I thought he was the one who wants to hook up with you? YOU ARE CONTRADICTING YOURSELF!

 

I don't think she's contradicting herself at all. I think it's more threatening than anything lol not a "YAS IM ON YOUR SACK I WANT THA D." It's like a "Know what you're doing, I'm coming at you." 

 

A dark horse in the metaphoric sense is an unknown person who comes forward as an otherwise competitive force. I think that's more or less what it's alluding it; "I'm coming forward as a boss ass bitch, know that if you're coming after me." 

 

 

At least this line isn't laughable or just flat out bad. Just stupid. Like that Jeffrey Dahmer metaphor. God I just hate that Jeffrey Dahmer reference so much. It just throws out any chance of me saying anything redemptive about Juicy J's part. I don't think Juicy J gets this song either...just like me.

Listen, I want to give this song praise for trying something different, but the effort is just not that there for Katy Perry. Even if she does sound like a better singer on this than any of her other songs out there, it's because it's not challenging to go that high up in your vocal range like Katy Perry does here since her vocal range was already limited to begin with.

This song is just terrible. It's not as awful as Roar and especially not as awful as Unconditionally, but it's just E.T. version 2.0. Replace Kanye West with an obvious downgrade in Juicy J and replace aliens with witchcraft and you get Dark Horse. A song that has no idea whether Katy Perry is trying to seduce the guy or she just wants the guy to have freaky witchcraft sex with. Welcome to the shit list Katy Perry. At least you are the most attractive option on there. TOO BAD SHE'S A WITCH!

 

I don't think that line is at all bad. 

 

And actually, I don't think this song is at all different. When I first listened I wasn't like, "WOAH THIS IS RADICALLY DIFFERENT FROM ANYTHING I'VE HEARD." Trap isn't new, this style isn't new, her style isn't new. It's new to HER discography (because E.T. really isn't in this vein; in terms of concept, sure, but musically, they aren't at all similar imo), but not new to the industry. 

 

Roar is terrible. This song is not. 

 

Witchcraft and extraterrestrials are entirely different concepts; they're both "macabre" but how does that make them copies of each other (as you say, Dark Horse is "E.T 2.0") and I don't think Dark Horse is at all a carbon copy of E.T. 

 

If that verse bothers you that badly because of that single Jeffrey Dahmer reference, I don't know how you listen to much mainstream music. I don't understand what was bad about it (aside from the fact that Ke$ha already used virtually the same thing in her song 'Cannibal'); I don't know what kind of music you listen to, but I doubt it's hip hop or rap because if you can't stomach that, I doubt you can stomach a full-on hip hop song without a Katy Perry hook. 

 

Just my opinion; that post bothered me. love ya still ;D

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Clappy]

Love ya Clappy, but I have to disagree with a few things here. 

 

 

This pissed me off; it's such a needless nitpick imo. While I agree the song is somewhat boring, I commend Katy Perry for releasing it as a single because it was a risk in her otherwise commercially-spotless career. 

 

 

 

That's a simile, not a metaphor. 

 

 

 

I don't think she's contradicting herself at all. I think it's more threatening than anything lol not a "YAS IM ON YOUR SACK I WANT THA D." It's like a "Know what you're doing, I'm coming at you." 

 

A dark horse in the metaphoric sense is an unknown person who comes forward as an otherwise competitive force. I think that's more or less what it's alluding it; "I'm coming forward as a boss ass bitch, know that if you're coming after me." 

 

 

 

I don't think that line is at all bad. 

 

And actually, I don't think this song is at all different. When I first listened I wasn't like, "WOAH THIS IS RADICALLY DIFFERENT FROM ANYTHING I'VE HEARD." Trap isn't new, this style isn't new, her style isn't new. It's new to HER discography (because E.T. really isn't in this vein; in terms of concept, sure, but musically, they aren't at all similar imo), but not new to the industry. 

 

Roar is terrible. This song is not. 

 

Witchcraft and extraterrestrials are entirely different concepts; they're both "macabre" but how does that make them copies of each other (as you say, Dark Horse is "E.T 2.0") and I don't think Dark Horse is at all a carbon copy of E.T. 

 

If that verse bothers you that badly because of that single Jeffrey Dahmer reference, I don't know how you listen to much mainstream music. I don't understand what was bad about it (aside from the fact that Ke$ha already used virtually the same thing in her song 'Cannibal'); I don't know what kind of music you listen to, but I doubt it's hip hop or rap because if you can't stomach that, I doubt you can stomach a full-on hip hop song without a Katy Perry hook. 

 

Just my opinion; that post bothered me. love ya still ;D

Since my quote system is acting a bit wonky, I'm going to just do bullet points:

 

-I was going for more of a riff with my comment about Katy Perry's pronunciation of Unconditionally although it does bug me how she holds out the CON and the TION.  Do you want to know my brief thoughts since I never got to do a full review of it?  It's a ridiculously boring overproduced mess.  I have never been less convinced from Katy Perry than I have ever been with her saying she would love (insert random love interest here) than I have been here.  I just feel everything about this song comes off as trying to glorify in it's commercialization.

 

-Touche on my grammatical mistake.  It is indeed a simile.

 

-I already went over the whole mutual love thing with Nuggets.  I still believe she is contradicting herself, although Nuggets argument is convincing that I could be wrong.  I'm still standing by my interpretation, but I'm glad you two disagree with me since everyone clearly interprets music differently.

 

-Clearly you misread what I wrote about trap music.  Obviously it's not new to the entertainment industry.  It's something that I've never heard a pop artist like Katy Perry use, although I hear Lady Gaga has a trap-pop song on ARTPOP which I still need to listen to.  

 

But back to the trap genre, it's been around since the 2000s with a refocus over the past few years with more mainstream artists using trap music like Kanye West on Yeezus and on his duet with Jay-Z "H.A.M.".  Oh and also Chief Keef with "I Don't Like".  Wait a minute...I've mentioned all this already in my review.  

 

Like I mentioned also in my review, I applaud Katy Perry for doing something different with her style by making a trap pop song like this.  It just doesn't work for me though because it comes off to me as Katy Perry is bored while singing this in her lower register.  If you guys like it, great.  I just don't because I don't like this kind of Katy Perry.  If she wants to go for a different style, I wish nothing but the best, but none of these new styles have worked for me yet.  This is coming from someone who likes Katy Perry and loves her Teenage Dream album.  I can even defend her stupidest song "California Gurlz" because it's just simply enjoyable pop music.  I can't defend anything I've heard off of Prism because none of the songs I've heard from it entertain me.

 

-Obviously witchcrafts and aliens are entirely different concepts.  I'm just saying that I feel like Dark Horse was done better as E.T and that's what this song feels like when I hear it, despite all the points I've pointed out about how Dark Horse is trap-pop while E.T. is just...pop.

 

-Ok this last part bugs me a little bit.  You know I listen to a hell of a lot of music every time you've been on Turntable with me.  Just because that Jeffrey Dahmer part pisses me off and I have a problem with it doesn't mean I don't like hip-hop songs.  I've been listening to rap music since 2004 and I've heard some incredibly stupid shit over the past ten years.  Hell one of the more popular rap songs of last year didn't even bother me:

 

 

And for god's sake, that had Lil Wayne talking in depth about how he fucks his bitches.  It's disgusting, it's gross, it has Future.  It has a lot of problems and it has Future.  Yet I don't find myself loathing it like I should.

 

Just because I think Juicy J is incredibly fucking stupid for comparing Katy Perry's love like Jeffrey Dahmer as a serial killer, doesn't give him any freebies.  It's just such a fucking stupid lyric that overshadows the rest of the filler he raps about.  I mean I actually don't mind controversial lyrics.  It's just comparing it in such a stupid fashion like Juicy J did makes me hate his part because there is nothing else to make me care about because it's boring.

 

Do you want an example of controversial lyrics done right?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkZZo0XSm5s

 

I don't know if this is the best example, but I mean Kendrick Lamar says so many things like comparing himself to the Pope, selling crack, and saying that he is the King of NY and LA.  Probably missed a few parts, but my god, Kendrick Lamar just kills this part and this isn't the only time.  Kendrick Lamar is probably my artist of 2013.  He just made every single song he was in.  Bitch Don't Kill My Vibe is probably one of the best songs I've heard over the past year.

 

Also, you should remember how big a fan I am of Kanye West and Eminem, two of my favorite artists of all time.  Dylan, I have no problem debating music with you.  I actually welcome it.  But for the love of God, never question my dedication to all genres of music and whether my stomach can handle it.  Whether it be mainstream, indie, rap, rock, pop, country, electronica, etc.  I don't give a fuck what genre.  My iTunes library is 8034 songs.  I listen to EVERYTHING.

 

Still love ya too.

[Ron]

Personally, I like Unconditionally. It's "fun pop music." Can't really pinpoint something I dislike about it; it is somewhat boring, but not in an intolerable way. 

 

I don't get how you can like California Gurlz and not Dark Horse. What makes Dark Horse NOT fun pop music? Because that's exactly what it is to me. I don't think Perry really thought, "yas this is gon be a rly dark song im so artistic" when making Dark Horse. 

 

And the musical interpretation thing you mentioned, about everyone interpreting it differently... while I agree, I don't think that can be said about this fairly straightforward song. Like, I don't know how else you can interpret this song other than "A girl is warning the boy about falling in love with her." For a more complicated song that is intended to be multi-layered, sure, that can have multiple interpretations. But Dark Horse... how else do you interpret these simplistic lyrics? 

 

It's Katy Perry, and she's no musical genius (as you've said yourself). I respect your opinion, but I don't understand how you can hold that opinion. 

 

"Do you want to play with magic? 

You should know what you're falling for. 

Do you dare to do this? 

I'm coming at you like a dark horse. 

Are you ready for the perfect storm?

Because once in mine, 

There's no going back." 

 

I took out of the "Boy" and "Baby" and repetition, and those lyrics are very one-dimensional, and I don't see any contradiction. She's warning the boy... this is the same cliche love song formula you seen in countless songs. Dissecting the song structure, the lyrics are essentially:

 

Question? 

Consequence

Question? 

Consequence. 

Question?

Consequence.

 

"Do you want to play with magic?" ---> "You should know what you're falling for." 

 

"Do you dare to do this?" ---> "I'm coming at you like a dark horse."

 

"Are you ready for the perfect storm?" ---> "Once in mine, there's no going back." 

 

There's no contradiction... no confusion about who she's talking to. I don't understand where you're getting this "Everyone can interpret this differently" because it's an incredibly blunt, single-dimensioned song. 

[Doctor Sex]

But back to the trap genre, it's been around since the 2000s with a refocus over the past few years with more mainstream artists using trap music like Kanye West on Yeezus 

Trap raps been around since the early to mid 90s actually but wasn't called trap until T.I. made up the name in the 2000s. Also, Yeezus isn't a trap rap album at all, neither the beats or lyrics are trap

 but I mean Kendrick Lamar says so many things like comparing himself to the Pope, selling crack, and saying that he is the King of NY and LA.

To be honest I was really pissed when he said that how can he rep a city hes not even from

[SG19]

Since my quote system is acting a bit wonky, I'm going to just do bullet points:

 

-I was going for more of a riff with my comment about Katy Perry's pronunciation of Unconditionally although it does bug me how she holds out the CON and the TION.  Do you want to know my brief thoughts since I never got to do a full review of it?  It's a ridiculously boring overproduced mess.  I have never been less convinced from Katy Perry than I have ever been with her saying she would love (insert random love interest here) than I have been here.  I just feel everything about this song comes off as trying to glorify in it's commercialization.

 

-Touche on my grammatical mistake.  It is indeed a simile.

 

-I already went over the whole mutual love thing with Nuggets.  I still believe she is contradicting herself, although Nuggets argument is convincing that I could be wrong.  I'm still standing by my interpretation, but I'm glad you two disagree with me since everyone clearly interprets music differently.

 

-Clearly you misread what I wrote about trap music.  Obviously it's not new to the entertainment industry.  It's something that I've never heard a pop artist like Katy Perry use, although I hear Lady Gaga has a trap-pop song on ARTPOP which I still need to listen to.  

 

But back to the trap genre, it's been around since the 2000s with a refocus over the past few years with more mainstream artists using trap music like Kanye West on Yeezus and on his duet with Jay-Z "H.A.M.".  Oh and also Chief Keef with "I Don't Like".  Wait a minute...I've mentioned all this already in my review.

 

Like I mentioned also in my review, I applaud Katy Perry for doing something different with her style by making a trap pop song like this.  It just doesn't work for me though because it comes off to me as Katy Perry is bored while singing this in her lower register.  If you guys like it, great.  I just don't because I don't like this kind of Katy Perry.  If she wants to go for a different style, I wish nothing but the best, but none of these new styles have worked for me yet.  This is coming from someone who likes Katy Perry and loves her Teenage Dream album.  I can even defend her stupidest song "California Gurlz" because it's just simply enjoyable pop music.  I can't defend anything I've heard off of Prism because none of the songs I've heard from it entertain me.

 

-Obviously witchcrafts and aliens are entirely different concepts.  I'm just saying that I feel like Dark Horse was done better as E.T and that's what this song feels like when I hear it, despite all the points I've pointed out about how Dark Horse is trap-pop while E.T. is just...pop.

 

-Ok this last part bugs me a little bit.  You know I listen to a hell of a lot of music every time you've been on Turntable with me.  Just because that Jeffrey Dahmer part pisses me off and I have a problem with it doesn't mean I don't like hip-hop songs.  I've been listening to rap music since 2004 and I've heard some incredibly stupid shit over the past ten years.  Hell one of the more popular rap songs of last year didn't even bother me:

 

 

And for god's sake, that had Lil Wayne talking in depth about how he fucks his bitches.  It's disgusting, it's gross, it has Future.  It has a lot of problems and it has Future.  Yet I don't find myself loathing it like I should.

 

Just because I think Juicy J is incredibly fucking stupid for comparing Katy Perry's love like Jeffrey Dahmer as a serial killer, doesn't give him any freebies.  It's just such a fucking stupid lyric that overshadows the rest of the filler he raps about.  I mean I actually don't mind controversial lyrics.  It's just comparing it in such a stupid fashion like Juicy J did makes me hate his part because there is nothing else to make me care about because it's boring.

 

Do you want an example of controversial lyrics done right?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkZZo0XSm5s

 

I don't know if this is the best example, but I mean Kendrick Lamar says so many things like comparing himself to the Pope, selling crack, and saying that he is the King of NY and LA.  Probably missed a few parts, but my god, Kendrick Lamar just kills this part and this isn't the only time.  Kendrick Lamar is probably my artist of 2013.  He just made every single song he was in.  Bitch Don't Kill My Vibe is probably one of the best songs I've heard over the past year.

 

Also, you should remember how big a fan I am of Kanye West and Eminem, two of my favorite artists of all time.  Dylan, I have no problem debating music with you.  I actually welcome it.  But for the love of God, never question my dedication to all genres of music and whether my stomach can handle it.  Whether it be mainstream, indie, rap, rock, pop, country, electronica, etc.  I don't give a fuck what genre.  My iTunes library is 8034 songs.  I listen to EVERYTHING.

 

Still love ya too.

8034 songs?! Damn and I thought my library had a ton of songs. Right now, the number is only 2330, but that number is continuously increasing.

[Clappy]

Well you ask me how I find California Gurlz to be a fun stupid pop song and not Dark Horse.  Because I can find myself singing along with it and "car dance" to it if you know what I mean.  I just don't find Dark Horse to be that fun.  If you do, good for you.  I don't.  Even if Katy Perry wasn't trying to be all dark and edgy.

 

Now for interpretation.  You do a REALLY god job going into this much analysis and descriptions.  I applaud you Dylan.  You love this song and you are fighting for it.  You've proven to me tonight how much you love Katy Perry because I've seen you say it in the past and I've kinda wondered how serious you were about your Katy Perry fandom amongst all your Gaga avatars.

 

My problem with my stance is she DOES include boy, baby, all that repetition, etc. and it gives me that now clearly overanalyzed second view that I mentioned in my review.  She may be warning the boy about falling in love with her, but:

 

Make me your Aphrodite
Make me your one and only
Don’t make me your enemy, your enemy, your enemy

 

She wants him to make her his Aphrodite and to make her his one and only and not to make her his enemy.  

 

If she wants to be as straight forward as you've described in your analysis, then by all the power invested in me, I WISH she just pointed it out that simply without all of this unnecessary repetition.  As you've pointed out and I've said in the past, Katy Perry is no lyrical genius and the repetition to point out all of this as straight forward as you have.  My problem is that I've taken the extra step and overanalyzed such a stupid song.  I'm thinking about the boy's perspective.  Katy Perry may be warning him about all this but she gives those subtle hints that she wants him despite all of these subtle warnings.  Now I'm left wondering in the boy's shoes, "either it's love her or be her enemy".

 

God, maybe it's the exhaustion getting to me, but I'm going to admit I overlooked this Katy Perry song when it comes to lyrics.  I still don't like Dark Horse, but Dylan job well done proving me how straight forward this is.  I just went an unnecessary mile about analyzing the boy she is warning to. xD 

  

[Elastic Dawg]

I'm gonna have to defend "Dark Horse" here. It's a decent pop song, and Juicy J's Jeffrey Dahmer verse reminds me of his classic Triple Six Mafia stuff (this isn't the first song he's done referencing Dahmer; see "Stomp" off of "The End". I think there's a couple more but i'm not sure). And comparing Katy Perry to a gay cannibal who tried to make sex zombies using bleach and a powerdrill makes me laugh. 

 

...okay, I just like hearing aging black men yell about murderers in modern pop music. 

[Clappy]

Per request by Sex since this song is on the cusp of Billboard's Top 10.

"Drunk in Love" - Beyonce (featuring Jay-Z)

Spoiler

Now before I get into my review, I just want to put out this plea to whoever reads this review that I do like some Beyonce songs. I promise I do despite how most of my reviews involving her music has been pretty negative. But this? Dear god...

Well I guess I should get the easiest comparison out of the way first. To me, this song is a NC-17 sequel to Beyonce's smash hit "Crazy in Love". Also it's about Beyonce and Jay-Z having drunk sex. I mean let's be honest here. If a married man or woman does a R&B song about sex, the easiest connection to make is that it's about his wife or her husband. Of course, it's even more obvious the song is about Jay-Z since he guest spots.

Believe it or not, I don't entirely hate this song. The chemistry is obviously there since it's a married couple rapping about their sex life. Beyonce and Jay always have the chemistry working for them. It's the positive about all of their collaborations from Crazy in Love to Deja Vu. I can feel their chemistry coming from all the sultry lyrics.

My problem just steams from the lyrics. These are easily the stupidest set of lyrics from a Beyonce/Jay-Z collaboration ever.

Cigars on ice, cigars on ice

Feeling like an animal with these cameras all in my grill

Flashing lights, flashing lights

You got me faded, faded, faded

Erm...what does the paparazzi have to do with your sex life? Better question is that is Beyonce turned on by them? Or is she turned on by the fame and the spotlight? Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Beyonce the one who told the paparazzi off about invading her personal life after the birth of Blue Ivy? I mean Beyonce definitely was out of the public eye for awhile after Blue's birth. I'm just sensing that this set of lyrics is kind of fabricated.

Baby, I want you, na na

Can't keep your eyes off my fatty

Don't really have a problem with these lyrics. Just want to say that Beyonce does have a nice ass.

We woke up in the kitchen saying,

"How the hell did this shit happen?"

I'm pretty sure you've already answered this question multiple times in this song because you were drunk in love.

Oh baby, drunk in love we be all night

Last thing I remember is our beautiful bodies grinding up in the club

But didn't you just say you woke up in the kitchen saying how the hell did this shit happen? I mean I know alcohol impairs your mind, but I would hope that you'd remember getting home from the club...which why would a happily married woman want to go out to the club when she has a kid at home? Sorry that's my personal opinion since I wouldn't consider going clubbing in my mid-late 30's...and winding up in the kitchen.

Park it in my lot 7-11

Oh for god's sake Beyonce. I thought you would have more class than referring your vag to a 7-11 parking lot. Just no.

I'm rubbing on it, rub-rubbing, if you scared, call that reverend

Horrible rhyming scheme aside, why would someone call that reverend? I call that oral sex. Ugh.

Boy, I'm drinking, I'm singing on the mic to my boy toys

Boy, I'm drinking, I'm singing on the mic til my voice hoarse

You know, all these double entendres. I get that a majority of these lyrics are double entendres for sex. I just wish they were better. Easily the worst part of this song is Beyonce. Her rapping in this is either love it or hate it. I clearly hate it. She is an awful rapper and she has absolutely no flow going for her in this song. I mean isn't there one double entrende that is actually clever?

Then I fill the tub up halfway then ride it with my surfboard, surfboard, surfboard

Graining on that wood, graining, graining on that wood

I'm swerving on that, swerving, swerving on that big body

Been serving all this, swerve, surfing all in this good, good

FINALLY! Yeah sure, Beyonce repeating the word "surfboard" is laughably unnecessary, but comparing the surfboard sex position to surfing is actually very clever. It's like all those bad entendres to foreplay lead up to the actual sex which wasn't that bad. I mean by no means do I think this part saved the song, but at least the song finally went somewhere...oh and then there's Jay-Z.

Hold up

That D'USSÉ is the shit if I do say so myself

If I do say so myself, if I do say so myself

Hold up,

Stumbled all in the house time to back up all of that mouth

That you had all in the car, talking 'bout you the baddest bitch thus far

Talking 'bout you be repping that third, I wanna see all the shit that I heard

Know I sling Clint Eastwood, hope you can handle this curve

Foreplay in the foyer, fucked up my Warhol

Slip the panties right to the side

Ain't got the time to take draws off, on site

Catch a charge I might, beat the box up like Mike

In '97 I bite, I'm Ike, Turner, turn up

Baby no I don't play, now eat the cake, Anna Mae

Said, "Eat the cake, Anna Mae!"

I'm nice, for y'all to reach these heights you gonna need G3

4, 5, 6 flights, sleep tight

We sex again in the morning, your breastases is my breakfast

We going in, we be all night

You know, as a fan of Jay-Z....this year has not been good to him musically. His skills are deteriorating to me. I mean Magna Carta Holy Grail was not a good album. His guest spots outside of Suit and Tie and the remix to Bitch Don't Kill My Vibe were pretty awful. Then we have this. A guest spot on his wife's song. You know, all he could have done was rap about how awesome it is to have sex with Beyonce. Not too hard right? Well...

-I like the Clint Eastwood analogy. Well done.

-The foreplay in the Foyer line makes me laugh.

-Her breastases is your breakfast? You know Jay, if a word doesn't rhyme with a word...just think of a better rhyme scheme

-Please tell me for the love of God you did not just compare you and Beyonce to Ike and Tina Turner?

I don't want to picture you being a domestic abuser to your wife. Yet you make it even harder for me to picture that you aren't by saying "Eat the cake Anna Mae."

Like I mentioned to Dylan above, I don't mind controversial rap lyrics. I really don't. I do have a problem when they are referenced in such a stupid fashion like comparing Katy Perry's love to getting your heart eaten out like Jeffrey Dahmer. Or now by Jay-Z, a happily married man with a beautiful wife and a child, domestically abuses Beyonce in the same fashion as Ike Turner did to his wife Tina. Sorry Jay, but as far as I know, you aren't that kind of guy. So you don't even get points for that.

So yeah, while I do think Drunk in Love has some points going for it like the trap elements incorporated into this song and the sometimes clever double entendres for sex, this is easily Beyonce and Jay-Z's worst collaboration yet. Beyonce's freestyles in this are mediocre and Jay-Z's part was hit or miss. But yeah, this just doesn't work for me. I don't hate it, but I don't like it. At least we can tell that the chemistry is there between these two and the music video for this is pretty sexy, so it's got that going for it. Now that I got that out of the way, I want to support Beyonce's other radio single she has out right now:

Spoiler

XO is a much better song than Drunk in Love. It's just an enjoyable celebration of life and love and this song just makes me feel so happy. Plus, Beyonce seems much more happy to be living and in love than she does here. Also, despite the controversy over the sampling of the space shuttle Challenger disaster, I think Beyonce is using it in an appropriate manner. Also, I want to give a shoutout to Ryan Tedder and that this song writing is getting much better.

[Burgerpants]

Let me guess what's the next review:

[Clappy]

Let me guess what's the next review:

Nope.  I have the next review coming out in a few days and Wumbo knows what it is

[Wumbo]

I think I'm done with Jay-Z. It might be time for him to step aside and let non-exhausted rappers take the reins.

 

ETA: 4777 songs in case anyone cares

[Clappy]

I swear there are songs I like on Billboard's Top 10.  I swear.  But this is easily the worst hit song of 2014 so far for me.

 

 

“Talk Dirty” – Jason DeRulo (featuring 2 Chainz)

Spoiler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbtPXFlZlHg

 

HOW IS THIS UNTALENTED TURD STILL MAKING HIT MUSIC!?

 

Did you guys really want Jason DeRulo back on the radios that badly?  Couldn’t we just leave him in 2010 with Taio Cruz, Iyaz, Jay Sean, and all those other Chris Brown wannabes?  I mean one Chris Brown is more than enough.  We don’t need anymore of him.  Chris Brown, as despicable a person as he is, at least is capable of making good music when he isn’t trying to destroy his image any further.  All these other Chris Brown wannabes are just incredibly boring and release the most generic crap.  All of them are just flash in the pans who we’ll probably never hear from again.  And for the most part, that last sentence was right…but no.  The music buying public clearly still wants Jason DeRulo around.  I mean did anyone know this is his third album?  May I ask why?  Why does he have three albums?  I think the more important question out there is this? 

 

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO JASON DERULO IS!? 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ULIqFZgdlc

 

I DON’T EVEN THINK HE KNOWS WHO HE IS.  WHY ELSE WOULD HE SAY HIS NAME IN ALL HIS SONGS?  THAT DOESN’T HELP MAKE UP FOR THE LACK OF A PERSONALITY!  Seriously, Jason DeRulo takes the star out of the word pop star.  I bet I wouldn’t even recognize this fucking clown if he came up to me on the street and sang his name to me.  This guy is godly boring.  Yet, he has some how found his way into the Top 5 of Billboard Hot 100.  HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?

 

Spoiler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHqHNrynzJo

 

Of course…it all makes sense now.  Granted, this is just a trailer, but I know that some of the celebrities have filmed their versions and posted it online.  One Direction already has put in their part and it’s them dancing around shirtless and in just as little clothing as possible to get those young girls tingle.  But I’d like to point out that Ariana Grande, Robin Thicke, Fifth Harmony, and others are to help Jason DeRulo finally get another Top 10 hit.  YOU KNOW IT’S EVEN WORSE IF FLO RIDA HAS TO HELP AN EVEN MORE BORING ARTIST THAN HE IS GET ANOTHER HIT.  No but seriously, is Talk Dirty supposed to be a dance craze or something?  I don’t get it.  Why are so many people uploading videos of themselves Talk Dirty-ing?  I mean yeah I will admit there is no way in hell I could dance to this so the choreography is impressive.  Also it’s pretty easy to dance to trumpets and saxophones.  But the choreography and the instruments are the only praise I can give this because my god is this song atrocious.  This sounds like a song Timbaland threw away in his trash bin back in 2004.  I mean it’s even more sad that Jason DeRulo has posted ON the music video that it has over 100,000,000 views.  That’s incredibly sad and pathetic.

 

Talk Dirty in essence is Jason DeRulo talking about how he travels around the world and gets laid by girls from around the world.  See Jason?  Didn’t I tell you when I bashed “What’cha Say” that fame just leads you to sleeping around even more?  It’s even more ironic that this song came out right after he released a song about asking Jordin Sparks if she can marry him, which they still aren’t even engaged.  Oh and he has another song about how he wants to sleep around with his drunk female friend so they can be more than just friends.  Even more proof that this guy has absolutely no personality.  But you know what, it’s ok unnamed foreign female love interest.  If you don’t understand what Jason DeRulo is saying to you,

 

Your booty don't need explaining

 

Apparently, “the booty” speaks a universal language.  Who cares if you don’t speak English when you can just stare at one’s booty.  But that’s besides the point, WHY THE FUCK DOES JASON SAY THIS IN AN AWFULLY FAKE JAMAICAN ACCENT?  The cultural insensitivity in this song doesn’t help the matters that these lyrics are pretty awful.

 

I'm that flight that you get on, international

First class seat on my lap girl, riding comfortable

 

So what you are saying is that hooking up with you is like an airline flight?  Because I find air travel to be a long, nauseating experience that brings me incredible discomfort and requires me to have a lot of alcohol in my system to try and numb the pain….ok nevermind.  This actually also implies to me every time I hear your songs.  Speaking of your songs:

 

You know the words to my songs

No habla inglés

 

Are you implying people know who you are?  Because last time I checked, no one even gives a shit that you are still making music besides me.  Oh and you can also speak Spanish.  Good for you.  At least you didn’t try to offend Spanish stereotypes:

 

Uno, met a friend in Rio

Dos, she was all on me-o

Tres, we could ménage à three-o

Cuatro, ooh

 

…nevermind.  God I don’t even think Jason DeRulo could be any more subtle if he tried.  You know what’s even worse?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YUIgWluA7o

 

Oh dear god 2 Chainz, I know I’ve mentioned in the past I can’t take anything you say seriously and that you are just a giant joke that I always laugh at, but please…just stay away from this trainwreck:

 

Dos Cadenas, closed the genius

Sold out arenas, you can suck my penis

 

BAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Oh yes 2 Chainz, you are a “genius”.  You are the epitome of the word “genius”.  UGH.  Oh and yes we should all just suck your penis because you can sell out arenas.  Try notching a number one hit first dumbass because you still haven’t done that yet.

 

Gilbert Arenas, guns on deck

 

Ah yes a Gilbert Arenas gun incident reference.  Haven’t we left those behind back when they were mentioned almost all the time in rap music back in 2009?  I guess not.

 

Chest to chest, tongue on neck

International oral sex

 

Yes 2 Chainz, this song is about international flings.  Please just write comprehensible lyrics dammit.

 

Every picture I take, I pose a threat

Boat or jet, what do you expect?

Her pussy so good I bought her a pet

 

Wow, none of these three things have anything in common.  Just when I thought 2 Chainz couldn’t get anymore nonsensical.

 

Anyway, every day I'm trying to get to it

Got her saved in my phone under "Big Booty"

Anyway, every day I'm trying to get to it

Got her saved in my phone under "Big Booty"

 

You know, as much as I want to hate this line…I just can’t.  Because 2 Chainz reminds his audience of the same Big Booty in Birthday Song and I think it’s clever that he is referencing…dare I say it…a song that I actually enjoy more than this one.  Yep, I loathe Talk Dirty if it isn’t obvious enough.  While I can’t see myself dancing to it, I can see why others would.  The only thing I can defend here is the instruments.  I like trumpets.  I like saxophones.  They do a good production job with that.

 

This song just flat out sucks and it’s the same kind of stupid garbage that gets popular.  But it does an awful job at trying to give Jason DeRulo an identity because he’s the same half-assed R&B/pop douchebag he’s always been whose appeal I just don’t get.  He must be feeling pretty damn lucky that YouTube has managed to turn this song into a dance craze by other celebrities.  Congratulations Jason DeRulo.  You managed to get another Top 5 hit song.  Too bad nobody still knows who you are.  Now just go the hell away and fade into irrelevancy like all the other Chris Brown wannabes from 2010.  

[Wumbo]

"International oral sex" reminds me of Kanye West's "TELL ME WHAT'S NEXT ALIEN SEX" line in "E.T."

[Clappy]

Pharrell Williams - "Happy"

 

Guys I've been a fan of Pharrell for the longest time.  He's an awesome producer with The Neptunes, he is a talented singer, and sometimes he can help save bad songs.  I mean I for one think "Blurred Lines" would be much worse without his assistance and woo-ing.  Yeah he's had his share of misses, but more often than not, I've been impressed with Pharrell's work and accomplishments in the music industry.  I feel like around 2000-2010, I heard a lot of songs on pop radio were produced by either The Neptunes, Polow Da Don, or Timbaland.  But as a solo artist, it feels like he has been relatively out of that field work since 2010 when he did the theme song for Despicable Me.  So it's only fitting with his second official album coming out in 2014 that his first single for it would be this song he wrote for Despicable Me 2.

 

Spoiler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM#t=142

 

Pharrell is transitioning into Cee Lo Green territory.  That's the main impression I get from this song.  That and it's very redundant.  I mean do you really need to see the lyrics?  We get two separate four stanza verses.  Otherwise the song mainly consists of this chorus:

 

Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do

 

...and this bridge:

 

Hey, come on:
(happy)
bring me down
can't nothing bring me down
your love is too high
bring me down
can't nothing bring me down
i said (let me tell you now)
bring me down
can't nothing bring me down
your love is too high
bring me down
can't nothing bring me down
i said

 

I mean I'll be the first to admit, that a song like this should never have became a massive hit.  I mean it's nearly eight months old and was pretty much out of the public eye until this past December.  You guys remember how surprised I was to see Royals become a number one hit?  Well I'm even more surprised a song that didn't even get promoted when Despicable Me 2 came out is suddenly one of the biggest songs in the world and is nominated for an Oscar along with songs from Frozen.  I'm speechless.  And you know what's even more shocking?  I love this song.  I love it's simplistic nature.  I love it's insane catchiness.  I love how Pharrell made a 24 hour music video of people just dancing to it.  I just love everything about this.  It's what a pop song is suppose to be.  Catchy and easy to sing along to.

 

So what is it about the song that has made it so insanely catchy without it becoming irritating?  Definitely the musical reiteration and the instructional lyrics.  Like I said, it's a simplistic song that expressly invites you to clap along. It is literally inviting you.  I mean it's like if you are happy and you know it clap your hands.  There is something about having a song that is literally about being happy that is using this technique that makes people happy. It just feels good and I always feel good about myself whenever I hear Happy.  That's what music is suppose to make someone feel and I feel Happy whenever I hear Happy.

 

I hope that this becomes a number one hit on Billboard.  That will make this surprising success story complete in terms of being the biggest surprise hit of 2014.

[Clappy]

Since I'm about to go on another hiatus in a few days, I want to try something different here.  There are A LOT of songs I haven't reviewed yet that have made Billboard's Top 10.  Some by choice I have not reviewed.  Others I just haven't gotten the time to do so.  So instead, I'm just going to do some Quick Takes on the songs I've missed and that I might not get time to review between now and whenever my break may end:

 

"The Monster" - Eminem featuring Rihanna

 

I skipped this one by choice.  Not that I personally have a problem with it.  It's Jay-Z's "Holy Grail" except the song has a pulse.  Which resolves a lot of the problems I had with Holy Grail.  I liked this song originally, but after hearing how much better a lot of the songs on Marshall Mathers LP 2, it's kinda went down a bit.  Still I prefer this over a lot of the songs on the radio at the moment and Rihanna should collaborate with Eminem more often.  That's when she is usually at her most tolerable.

 

 

"Counting Stars" - One Republic

 

Also another song I skipped to review by choice.  Definitely a lot better of a song than other OneRepublic songs.  Ryan Tedder is incredibly talented.  However, this song is just meh to me.  I don't particularly like it, but I don't particularly hate it.  At least it has a future of being a reality competition song for aspiring singers.

 

 

"Let Her Go" - Passenger

 

Yep I'm commenting on this again.  My disgust for this song has grown since I originally placed it on my year end worst list.  I'm highly considering placing this on the year end worst list for 2014 too.  IT JUST WON'T GO AWAY!!!  Although I can finally say something positive about it:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TCiI4rXAMo

Aww.  Such a cute commercial.  The puppy has a best friend in the horsey.  Such a heartwarming commercial.  The song still absolutely sucks massive amounts of suck though.

 

 

"Pompeii" - Bastille

 

I was originally going to give this one a full review, but I couldn't come up with full review material for it.  At first I absolutely loved this song and wished it had a better future on the charts.  And that it did cracking into the Top.  But thanks to so much replay on the radio, I've started to thoroughly analyze it more.  Now, I have no idea whether I like this or I just think this song is absolutely silly nonsense.  I think it's the former more than the latter, but man does this song have some absolute silly moments trying to compare life to the downfall of Pompeii.  The music video is still great regardless.

 

 

"Story of My Life" - One Direction

 

Boring.  There are definitely far more boring songs on the chart and I have to give One Direction credit for actually starting to make more mature sounding music compared to the crap over the past two years.  However, this is just VERY boring.

 

 

"Burn" - Ellie Goulding

 

Boring.  Also fire metaphors have to be one of the most overused cliches in song.  Ellie Goulding is an interesting artist, but I'm starting to doubt that we'll ever get another song as great as Lights from her ever again.

 

 

"All of Me" - John Legend

 

VERY BORING.  I get that John Legend is a man of romance, but my god.  The video for this.  If Kanye West gets crap for Bound 2 and him making love to Kim Kardashian on a motorcycle, then this video shouldn't get a pass for John Legend making love with his fiancee Chrissy Teigen twice.  I'll give the video credit for this though, it emphasizes how hot Chrissy Teigen is.

 

 

"The Man" - Aloe Blacc

 

I actually kinda like this.  Fun fact, did you know Elton John is one of the credited writers?  Just like I mentioned with Happy, this song is simplistic and enjoyable for it's simplicity.  Hope this eventually cracks the Top 10.

 

 

"Can't Remember to Forget You" - Shakira (featuring Rihanna)

 

Can I just watch the music video for this?  Very sexy.  Very attractive.  But man, this is underwhelming.  I might have to give this a full review if it is still around on the charts when I get back.

 

 

"Show Me" - Kid Ink (featuring Chris Brown)

 

Is it bad that I find this interestingly bad?  I mean from Chris Brown repeating the same thing over and over again about "mami" reminding him of something and that he doesn't know what it is.  Kid Ink's lines are incredibly cheesy.  "Mustard on the beat ho"?  There are so many problems with this song, but I can't entirely hate it.  The melody as repetitive as it is I find very catchy.  Like when I'm blanking out at work, I find myself saying "you remind me of something I don't know what it is, you better show me".  It's bad I know.