Clappy vs Billboard Hot 100

[Clappy]

I CALLED IT

What exactly did you call and where?

[Burgerpants]

What exactly did you call and where?

that song

[101 Dalmatian Street]

It's best that you won't have the all to review another Jason DeRulo song. To make matters worse, Florida Georgia Line's "This is How we Roll," featuring Jason Derulo, is currently #15. On top of that, Jason Derulo's "Trumpets" has jumped from the Top 90 and into the Top 60 and might enter the Top 40 to follow suit with his other singles if the consumer base is not careful.

[Wumbo]

Oh God this is in the Top 5. Why why why why why?

[Clappy]

I was going to do a Crap Cinema this week, but since it's been taking more effort than I thought, figured better write a quick review about some pop song that's popular right now.  So what's popular according to iTunes?

 

MAGIC! - "Rude"

 

Spoiler

 

You know this is honestly no coincidence that this song is popular.  Because 2014 has not really been much of an improvement over 2013.  It's getting to the point where I've started to listen to classic rock stations or "We Play Everything" pop stations which plays hits from yesteryear that remind me of how good music from other years were over this one.  I'm not saying this as someone who hates pop music.  I'm saying this as someone who is unashamed to admit that I like pop music.  But the stuff that has been getting popular lately has been pissing me off.  Sure we get a Happy or a Problem or an Ain't It Fun.  Three songs that I have liked a lot.  But it's honestly pretty telling that this year has sucked so far when the only artist to have multiple Top 10 hits in 2014 has been this untalented asshole:

 

 

(note: Not including Iggy Azalea who was featured in Problem)

 

So yeah, this song is a great example of how much I hate this year.  But before I do that, a little bit of a backstory regarding these artists who I've never heard of, but Wumbo probably has since....CANADA.  Magic! is a canadian reggae fusion band.  This is their first hit.  They have a lead singer named Nasri who is a songwriter who's written many pop hits.  So he has plenty of song writing experience which means he should know how to tell a compelling story in a song.  Right?

 

Enter "Rude" which while it may not be the worst song out there right now; no song on the radio is worse than Wiggle; this is easily one of the most irritating I've heard this year.  It's about a guy who wants to ask his girlfriend's father permission to marry his daughter.

 

Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life?
Say yes, say yes 'cause I need to know
You say I'll never get your blessing 'til the day I die
Tough luck, my friend, but the answer is 'No'

 

Then comes probably the whiniest set of lyrics you'll hear from a hit song this year

 

Why you gotta be so rude?
Don't you know I'm human too?
 

Yeah and so is he.  You give him no reason to believe you are responsible enough to take care of his daughter.  I mean, asshole, you say nothing about how much you love her to begin with.  I mean we the listeners get no vibe about how compelling your relationship is with this girl except later in the song when you say that she'll go anywhere you go.  Wow, that's sure a compelling reason for her to love you.  *gags*

 

Why you gotta be so rude?
I'm gonna marry her anyway
 

You know.  Nasri.  You ass.  You just contradicted the point of this song's existence.  You want to prove to this guy that you love and respect your girlfriend so much to ask her father for her hand.  Whining and bitching about him being "rude" is one thing.  But saying that you are going to marry her anyway is not exactly going to get you back into her father's graces.  It's just going to make you come off  as more of an asshole. 

Marry that girl
Marry her anyway
Marry that girl
Yeah, no matter what you say
Marry that girl
And we'll be a family
Why you gotta be so
Rude

 

This whole bit just emphasizes the whole "neiner neiner neiner" point of saying fuck you to the dad.  The whole kindergarten guitar fusion sounds of playground nursery rhymes don't help either.  You know, I can forgive this song if it was for a forbidden love element, but the whole chorus of this song is just way too whiny and hypocritical to even attempt at redeeming it.  

 

Asks her dad if he can marry her

Dad says no

Marries her anyway

Shoves it in dad's face

Tells dad he is rude

 

I would say no to this guy too.  Fuck you Nasri.  What even inspired you to write a song like this?

 

One day, after his girlfriend had gotten mad at him and started to become harsh, Narsi began singing the lines "Why you gotta be so rude/ don't you know I'm human too" in what he describes a "dark vibe."

 

Dark?  Please don't make me laugh even more so....

 

Nasri also said he wanted to make Magic! sound more like a modern day Police.

 

....you don't mean The Police right?  You wanted your band to sound like this:

 

 

Yet you made them sound like this:

 

 

 

This is some seriously stupid shit.  Like it's the kind of mind numbingly stupid song that gets popular and rides it's way to number one on iTunes.  So the success this song has found doesn't surprise me.  But dear god do I really hate this.  I don't mind reggae music at all, but the reggae or reggae inspired hits on the radio these past few years have not really been that great with the most recent one before this being Adam Levine's whine infested One More Night.  At least Adam Levine's unhuman voice was more bearable than this guy's.

 

Sorry to be so rude Magic! but this song blows major chunks.

[Wumbo]

I can't thank you enough for this one. I can't believe that of all the Canadian acts we have here, THIS BAND is the one to cross over this year. Such an insipid, whiny, asinine song, and I might even hate it MORE than "Wiggle".

[President Squidward]

You should see ADoseofBuckley's review for this. What he says is pretty agreeable.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GFzO3ZfVWQ

[Clappy]

You should see ADoseofBuckley's review for this. What he says is pretty agreeable.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GFzO3ZfVWQ

I actually just watched this when I came home today since I didn't expect to be on SBC at all.  How ironic.

[Burgerpants]

I used to like this

until i heard the lyrics.

[Clappy]

"Summer" - Calvin Harris

Spoiler

When I think of Calvin Harris, I think of one of the biggest names in EDM. Calvin Harris got huge because of his production in We Found Love. We Found Love is a vastly overrated song that the only reason it became as big a hit as it was was because of Calvin Harris's production more so than Rihanna being involved. Ever since We Found Love, I wanted to see Calvin Harris actually get more work. I mean if pop music wanted David Guetta to become a huge name, then I felt Calvin Harris should branch out on his own as well.

And that he did. You know there was a time I once defended Calvin Harris singing his own songs.

You know for as much crap as I give EDM, there was once a time that I actually didn't mind it. What makes Feel So Close probably one of the best EDM songs of the past couple years is that Feel So Close actually has a pulse. The production in this is wonderful. It actually makes me want to get up and dance. It makes me feel great to be alive and that's probably why no EDM song has come anywhere close to matching it with the exception of Clarity, which that chorus still bugs me a bit there. I actually didn't mind Calvin Harris's singing here. It just felt more fitting to the build up of that music in the chorus.

Ever since then though, Calvin Harris has been one of the poster boys as to why EDM has bored me to tears. I mean look no further than every single song he has released since Feel So Close.

Boring

What a waste of Florence Welch. The production makes no sense for a song this dramatic. It's absolute filler.

Speaking of waste. This song is the epitome of absolute filler. Calvin Harris's production here is the worst of the bunch.

And now Calvin Harris is back at it again with Summer.....and it's just like everything else that is wrong with EDM. Boring overused beat? Check. Lack of anything interesting whatsoever? Check. Tons of girls dancing in the video? Che...wait a minute. They are just standing there or walking around. See Calvin Harris? If you can't even get the girls in your video to dance to this, then why should we? And while I defended his "singing" in Feel So Close, his singing here doesn't make me feel like it's Summer. Hell, I don't even know if Calvin Harris knows this is a summer "anthem".

We fell in love

As the leaves turned brown

Calvin Harris, I believe the season you are referring to here is autumn. So it took you until autumn to realize that you are in love with this chick? Plus your "singing" makes me wonder if you are even in love with her. For all the crap I gave John Legend for the vastly overplayed All of Me, at least he sounded like he felt some sort of emotion for her, whether it's love or not is arguable. I get that Calvin Harris is a DJ and not all DJs are meant to be singers, but if Calvin Harris's singing lead to some sort of production that made the wait worth it, then it would be redeemable but nope, what we get is:

BA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DAH DAH DAH DAH DA

And repeat this until those same chords until the end of time. That's the chorus.

You know not all EDM is this repetitive but I can't honestly tell it all apart it feels like these days. This doesn't differentiate itself from anything that Afrojack, Avicii, or David Guetta would do. It's just all samey sound to me now and I'm just sick of this genre in general lately. Hopefully some EDM song comes along in the next few months to prove me wrong, but I'm getting pretty close to done with this genre at this point.

So yeah, this song doesn't make me feel like Summer. It just makes me want to have another cold harsh Winter.

[Ron]

Calvin Harris and David Guetta make very cheap EDM. Check out Zedd, Madeon, DJ White Shadow, etc. for some legit EDM. 

[Clappy]

Calvin Harris and David Guetta make very cheap EDM. Check out Zedd, Madeon, DJ White Shadow, etc. for some legit EDM.

Zedd is good from what I've heard from him and I actually heard of Madeon on one of the satellite radio stations at work and was rather impressed. I want to hear more of his stuff over other EDM that I hear on the radio. I just hate how "cheap EDM" is what's becoming bigger on the radio. Less of that same soundy shit and more songs that make me feel like dancing.

[Ron]

Zedd is good from what I've heard from him and I actually heard of Madeon on one of the satellite radio stations at work and was rather impressed. I want to hear more of his stuff over other EDM that I hear on the radio. I just hate how "cheap EDM" is what's becoming bigger on the radio. Less of that same soundy shit and more songs that make me feel like dancing.

 

I prefer atmospheric, hard EDM versus the kind that makes you want to dance, but I think you'll like these: 

 

 

This is my favorite of his, even though it's a mashup.

 

And this one:

 

And this one is amazing (listen to at least 4:20) 

 

https://soundcloud.com/martyrforfame/the-artpop-project-we-could

[Wumbo]

His singing sounds like really bad karaoke. Like, I'm talking a few too many beers bad.

[Clappy]

I prefer atmospheric, hard EDM versus the kind that makes you want to dance, but I think you'll like these:

This is my favorite of his, even though it's a mashup.

And this one:

And this one is amazing (listen to at least 4:20)

https://soundcloud.com/martyrforfame/the-artpop-project-we-could

Out of those three, Finale was the one I enjoyed the most, but I would prefer any of this EDM over what has been getting popular lately from the genre on pop radio stations.

His singing sounds like really bad karaoke. Like, I'm talking a few too many beers bad.

At least he is trying to make his music different from other DJs but he should really stop doing that tbh.

[Wumbo]

Yeah, like I commend him for singing his own songs but at the same time stop it.

[President Squidward]

All Calvin Harris songs sound the same to me

[Ron]

Yeah, like I commend him for singing his own songs but at the same time stop it.

 

Swerve.

 

[Clappy]

Coming later today.

This thread has become me reviewing songs that I don't like. I don't think I've reviewed a song positively since "Happy" six months ago. That needs to change.

I'm going to review one of the better songs on the radio today. The artist who I will be reviewing I have said some less than kind things to in the past. As a matter of fact, I went as far to call him out for being, in other terms, a poser.

This song is currently not in the Top 10, but it is in the Top 20 and at the rate it's rising, it wouldn't surprise me at all if this reaches the Top 10. As a matter of fact, I hope it does. He hasn't been relevant for nearly three years because his last hit pretty much killed his career at that point because he hasn't had a popular hit until this point, so this is probably his comeback single in a way.

Spoiler

It's Enrique Iglesias new song "Bailando" if you are tired of me being a tease about this.

[Clappy]

"Bailando" - Enrique Iglesias

 

Spoiler

 

OR

 

Spoiler

 

So I'm going to be reviewing both versions because to me, both of them are one in the same.  But before I go into why I think this is a good song, I want to do a career retrospective on Enrique.  Previously when it came to commenting on anything related to him, I had these following words:

 

I’m probably going to come off as a massive hypocrite for having this on here.  Especially since there is a song that many consider worse than this, but I’ll get to that in a bit.  But I need to get this out of the way right now.  Enrique Iglesias is not the nice heartwarming guy all you ladies think he is.  Nope, Enrique Iglesias….well, how about I post that other song now?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUwSZY8sGR4

 

Yeah Enrique Iglesias is a massive sleazebag.  One of the more obvious ones out there.  Listen to Enrique as he talks about wanting to fuck you and not consensually either.  Tonight he is fucking YOU.  No ifs ands or buts about it.

 

Now I know what you guys are thinking.  Clappy, why have Escape on here and not the obvious rapey song Tonight I’m Fucking You?  Well, I have to admit.  Despite what I said, Tonight I’m Fucking You is so bad, it’s good.  I kinda dig the techno beat and Ludacris has a thing for saving bad songs.  His guest spot probably saved that song the most.

 

As for Escape, well that’s not the case.  Nope, Enrique sucks the life out of this song so bad with his blandness that you can feel no sympathy for this sleazebag whatsoever.  It ruined all of Enrique’s other songs for me and to me stained his image.  I can’t listen to any of his songs without thinking that this so called “man of romance” is just as full of shit as a white guy playing an acoustic guitar on the street.  Don’t believe me?

 

Here's how it goes, you and me, up and down

 

Yeah, “up” and “down” alright. 

 

Then he throws out some bullshit about how she means something to him.  Yeah she means so much to him that he can’t even talk about their actual “love” enough for us to actually care about her.

 

I mean hell, look at the chorus:

 

But soon you'll be finding

You can run, you can hide

But you can't escape my love.

 

I feel genuinely bad for this girl.  She’s going to be caught by Enrique and “his love/penis”.

 

I'm not gonna beg you to stay (you can't escape my love)

 

See?  You can see it however you want it, but Enrique just wants to really really fuck this girl.  I can dissect this song more if you guys want me to, but you can’t escape the inevitable.  Enrique Iglesias just wants to fuck you.  I mean this song wouldn’t be as bad if it wasn’t so boring.  But even with all the rapey lyrics, this song just really really bores me to tears.  I mean it’s one thing to be a bad song, but a bad boring song sometimes can be worse…and you guys will see more of that later on.

 

I don't like Tonight I'm Fucking You by any means, but the song is not unbearable.  I wouldn't call it good by any means anymore, but I probably wouldn't place it in my Bottom 10 of 2011 or anything like that (which I might end up doing now since Wumbo swiped 2010).  However, there is one thing I didn't call Tonight I'm Fucking You that does apply to what it did for Enrique.  It nearly killed his career.  Want to know what he's released since then?

 

Spoiler

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eww, that last one is especially brutal.  Not saying that all these songs are bad (key word: "all"), but all these either flamed out or peaked at one point and completely fell flat on it's face down the charts rapidly like Finally Found You (#24 then skyrocketed down the charts fast).  And believe it or not, there were many more failed singles that I didn't even bother posting like Heart Attack, There Goes My Baby, Loco, Heartbeat, El Perdedor....to name a few and how many songs is that?  Ten?  I bet Enrique really regrets releasing Tonight I'm Fucking You because it harmed his image and he really can't pull off the sleazebag artist at all.  I mean I bet he is a freak, but Enrique.  You are a man of romance.  That's what your fanbase thinks you are good at.

 

Which is why Bailando is a breath of fresh air.  It's different than most of Enrique's recent string of shitty club music or corny love songs from yesteryear.....and by different I mean a better version of his past latin pop/reggae songs.  He's done this genre in the past multiple times, but this song makes me want to do something that his other past entries haven't done.  It makes me want to get up and dance.  So congrats Enrique you accomplish.....wait a minute, slow down Clappy.  Just because Enrique has finally released a good song for the first time in forever, don't get ahead of yourself.  Enrique does nothing different here that he has ever done in the past.  Proof?

 

You look at me
And, girl, you take me to another place
Got me feeling like I’m flying, like I’m out of space

 

Cliched lyrics are cliched

 

Something ‘bout your body says ‘come and take me’

Got me begging, got me hoping that the night don’t stop
 

....ok this doesn't help me not change my stance that you are still a massive piece of sleaze.

 

Girl, I like the way you move
Come and show me what to do
People tell me that you want me
Girl, you got nothing to lose
I can’t wait no more
(ya no puedo mas)
I can’t wait no more
(ya no puedo mas)

 

Ok this isn't too bad.

 

I wanna be contigo

And live contigo, and dance contigo
Para have contigo una noche loca (una noche Loca)
Ay besar tu boca (y besar tu boca)
I wanna be contigo
And live contigo, and dance contigo
Para have contigo una noche loca
Con tremenda loca

 

Neither is this.  The chorus is easily Enrique's best part because he falls back into the same cliche traps in the next verse he does.

 

I look at you and it feels like paradise
You got me spinning, Got me crazy
Got me hypnotized

 

So Enrique's part in general is just meh.  His part in the chorus is fine, but everything else he does reminds me why I dislike him as an artist.  Now at this point, you guys are wondering why I like this song?  Well this isn't just an Enrique Iglesias song.  It features someone who the pop world has absolutely missed.

 

 

Oh Sean Paul.  How I have missed you so much.  I don't know who I love more.  Sean Paul or Lil Jon.  Both of them are absolute nonsense and they both know that they can't be taken seriously as actual musical artists.  Which is why I can't hate on Turn Down For What.  It brings a smile on my face to try and make out what Lil Jon is saying except for the phrase "Turn Down For What" and "shots".  And that's what helps out Bailando a lot.  Sean Paul's presence on anything reggaeton is just perfect.  It's a match made in heaven and it makes me give Enrique kudos that if he wanted this to crossover to the pop world he had to enlist someone with reggaeton/pop credibility.  Sean Paul's inclusion on this is a stroke of genius hearing him shout "baby girl" and "it's gonna be alright".

 

And speaking of genius collaborators, I don't know who either Gente de Zona or Descemer Bueno outside of looking them both up on Wikipedia, but Gente is the one that belts "BAILANDO" and it's incredibly smooth and just wonderful while Descemer is the one who produced this song and the production on this is just great.  I also have to say another reason I like this song so much is the music video.  The choreography is pretty much perfect with all the latina dancers dancing so in sync and especially the soccer ball kickers/headers.  The fact that they got those sequences down so perfect is a work of art.  Easily one of the best music videos I've seen this year.  Both versions.

 

So yeah, if you haven't figured out by now, the reason I like this song so much is for nearly everything but Enrique Iglesias.  Which I will have to give Enrique credit for picking out one hell of a supporting cast and filming one hell of a music video.  This is currently at #17 and with the amount of music video views both versions have and how much radio airplay this is picking up, I think it's safe to say that this song is going to be Enrique's first Top 10 hit in nearly four years.  If I'm wrong, so be it.  But this song is definitely one of the better ones on the radio right now and this music video is easily one of the better ones out there.  It's always nice when artists actually put effort into making great music videos...isn't that right Lorde?

 

 

I'm sorry, but this video is not artistic.  This is just uncreative.  Lazy.  Boring.  Worst video I've seen in years.  Thought I'd get that in there since no way this song becomes a hit.  I better be right on that one.