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Before this episode begins, a word from the author himself.

In light of recent events, I did some major recasting for today’s episode.  Which will indeed affect the SBCinema DC Parody Extended Universe.  For those of you who still remember (and I don’t blame you, I’ve written like one or two episodes of this in the last year lmao), I originally had Tron casted as Wonder Woman.  Then yeah, the last year of chronological events happened involving Metalgate, so in conclusion: Fuck Tron.  If Marvel is allowed to recast so many of their characters, so can I this once.  Get an actual deserving user this role because it’s the only good DCEU SBCinema film.


77. Wonder Homie

Film: Wonder Woman


In present-day forum life, Homie receives a photographic plate from JCEnterprises of herself and four men taken during World War SBC, prompting her to recall her past. Daughter of Queen Taylor, Homie was raised on the hidden island of Reputation, home to the AmazoniStan warrior women created to protect mankind. Queen Taylor shares the AmazoniStan history with Homie, including how Nematoad became jealous of humanity and orchestrated its destruction. When the other stans attempted to stop him, Nematoad ended all but Jjs, who used the last of his admin powers to wound Nematoad and force his retreat (thus dying in the process). Jjs left the AmazoniStans the island and a weapon, the "Toddkiller" a sword of critical praise, to prepare them for Nematoad' return.


Although she initially forbids Homie to be trained as a warrior, Queen Taylor reluctantly agrees to let her fellow stan sister, Katniss, train Homie, only more rigorously than any other warrior. In 1975, Homie, now a young woman, rescues American pilot Captain Hayden when his plane crashes off the Reputation coast. The island is soon invaded by a SBM light cruiser that had been pursuing Hayden. The AmazoniStans kill the crew, but Katniss sacrifices herself to save Homie (by taking the bullet fired from a SBM sailor that was meant for Homie). Hayden is interrogated with the Lasso of 1989, and reveals that a great war is consuming the outside world and that he is a spy. He has stolen a document of the chief chemist Cream, who is attempting to engineer a deadlier form of the red pill, under the orders of General Metaldorff from a weapon facility in the Resist Jjs Empire. Believing Nematoad to be responsible for the war, Homie arms herself with the "Toddkiller" sword, the lasso, and her armor before leaving Reputation Island with Hayden to locate and stop Nematoad for good.


In SBC, they are told to deliver Cream's notebook to the SBCCouncil, where Sir PatBack is trying to negotiate an armistice with SBM. Homie translates Cream's notes and reveals that the SBM plan to release the deadly red pill at the Western Front. Although forbidden by his commander to act, Hayden, with secret funding from Sir PatBack, recruits former admins 70s, tvguy, and Nuggets to help prevent the red pil from being released. The team reaches the front in Belgium. Homie goes alone through Krabby Land and captures the enemy trench, allowing the SBC forces to help her liberate the Discord village. The team briefly celebrates, while Homie and Hayden grow closer romantically.


The team learns that a gala will be held at the nearby SBM High Command. Hayden and Homie separately infiltrate the party, with Hayden intending to locate the red pill and destroy it, while Homie intends to kill Metaldorff, believing that he is Nematoad and thus killing him will end the war. Hayden stops her to avoid jeopardizing his mission, but this allows Metaldorff to unleash the red pill on SBC, killing its inhabitants with documents. Blaming Hayden for intervening, Homie pursues Metaldorff to a base where the red pill is being loaded into an even bigger document bound for the SBC Wiki. Homie fights and kills Metaldorff, but is confused and disillusioned when his death does not stop the war.


Sir PatBack appears and reveals himself as Nematoad. He tells Homie that although he has subtly given scientology ideas and inspirations, using Metaldorff and Cream as pawns in the process, it is ultimately their decision to resort to violence as they are inherently corrupted by not believing in the power of Xenu. When Homie attempts to kill PatBack with the "Toddkiller" sword, he destroys it, then reveals Homie to be the "Toddkiller", as the daughter of Queen Taylor. He fails to persuade Homie to help him destroy mankind in order to restore paradise. While the two battle, Hayden's team destroys Cream's laboratory. Hayden hijacks and pilots the document carrying all of Metaldorff’s bullshit suspicions and red pills to a safe altitude and deletes it, sacrificing himself in the process. PatBack attempts to direct Homie's rage and grief at Hayden's death by convincing her to kill Cream, but the memories of her experiences with Hayden cause her to realize that humans have good within them. She spares Cream and redirects PatBack’s lightning into him, killing him for good. Later, the team celebrates the end of the war. In the present day, Homie sends an email to JCM thanking him for the photographic plate of her and Hayden and reaffirms her new mission to fight and give on the world's behalf.

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Yay, another DCEU parody! I'd love to guest write again, since I haven't done one for close to three years and have a lot great non-Snark Knight-related ideas.

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5 minutes ago, JCM said:

Yay, another DCEU parody! I'd love to guest write again, since I haven't done one for close to three years and have a lot great non-Snark Knight-related ideas.

Same here. I'd love to write parodies of all my other fave films.

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On 7/15/2018 at 6:16 PM, JCM said:

Yay, another DCEU parody! I'd love to guest write again, since I haven't done one for close to three years and have a lot great non-Snark Knight-related ideas.


On 7/15/2018 at 6:22 PM, Renegade the Unicorn said:

Same here. I'd love to write parodies of all my other fave films.


Both of you feel free to message me your ideas and I’ll approve depending on if I have or haven’t done them already.

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In honor of being the first SBC users to have a movie made about them, it's only fitting that they get a SBCinema parody too.  This is how it got made.  Also this episode will be in spoilers for the time being due to it only being in theaters for ten days so far.  Go see it now and make the Titans proud.

78. Teen Titans Go! to SBCinema

Film: Teen Titans Go! to the Movies


In SBC, the Teen Titans arrive to stop The Red Pill. However, when Metal cannot figure out how many of these users are Jjs secretly, the Teen Titans jump into a SBC Rap Battle to introduce themselves and become distracted, forcing the Injustice League to intervene. They criticize the Titans for being childish and not taking anything seriously, and bring up the fact that they do not have a SBCinema parody of their own to prove their legitimacy.


Supergameman: Titans!  You aren’t actual SBC members to get realistic episodes written about you.

Beast Boy: Hey Mama, didn’t you replace someone?

Wonder Homie: I did, but we don’t talk about that.


While at the premiere of Cameo Man Again, Robin humiliates himself, after assuming that there will be a SBCinema parody about him, but it ends up being about Limelover and is laughed out by the audience. At the rest of the team's suggestion, Robin resolves that in order to get a SBCinema parody made about him and the Titans, they need an arch-nemesis.

Nearby, Steve breaks into Star Labs to redact a crystal because he can see his reflection in it and no images of him are allowed to be on SBC anymore. The Titans arrive and attempt to stop him, but he swiftly defeats and redacts them. The next day, Beast Boy, Starfire, Cyborg and Raven create a SBCinema episode to cheer up Robin, but he turns it off prematurely declaring that they will go to Clappy to have a parody made about them.

Upon arriving, they encounter Aurora, who is responsible for all the superhero parodies being posted. She turns down the Titans' request to be in a SBCinema episode, but explains that the only way she would make one about them is if they were the only superhero parodies on the forum. The Titans take her words literally by going back in time to prevent Clappy from writing parodies of the other superheroes.

Steel: I am Steel Man.

Raven: I’m from the future.  I can tell you Clappy’s DCEU continuity parodies are better than his Marvel ones from Season 1.

Tvguy: :awkward:


Ren: Hey!  Only Banpool can break the fourth wall.

Starfire: Only after Clappy let you do the guest write.

Robin: Which means you’ve lost your guest writing privileges!


JCM: I can’t wait to tell Clappy that The Snark Knight is ready to be posted!

Cyborg: Not anymore fool!


But this only ends up ruining the present, forcing them to go and undo their blunder.



Steve next arrives at JCMTech to redact the crystal's power and the Titans arrive to stop him, this time putting up an actual fight. They secure the crystal, but Steve escapes, resolving to split Robin from his teammates. The next day, Aurora invites the Titans back to the forums and announces that she will make a movie about them due to their recent fight with Steve. While Robin is given a tour of the premises, Raven, Beast Boy, Starfire and Cyborg venture out and cause mischief. They find the OAXIS that is heavily guarded by Butch Hartman and try to destroy it, but Aurora arrives and reveals that O.A.X.I.S., is just a terrible acronym for a new streaming service he is making. She resolves to drop the rest of the Titans from the SBCinema parody and make it solely about Robin, which he happily accepts, much to the consternation of his team, who wish him luck.

Robin finishes making the SBCinema parody himself, but during a scene where he interacts with the Titan Tower door panel, a light falls and knocks him out. He awakens and finishes the scene where Aurora reveals that they are in the tower for real, and that she is actually Steve himself in disguise. He gets the crystal back and tells Robin that his making so many SBCinema episodes was a plan to keep the heroes busy while he took over SBC. Robin escapes and calls his friends back, who join him with open arms.

Steve unleashes the crystal's power to control the other episodes and sends them after the Titans. Robin goes after Steve while the rest of the team leads off the countless Clappy creations. However, Steve uses his new power to control Robin, and tells him to redact his friends who show him the rest of the SBCinema episode they made for him. Robin comes to his senses, and the team takes out Steve together, defeating him and his giant tool of a brother too.

The heroes all congratulate the Titans for their heroic efforts with Robin admitting that he has learned to be himself. When he tries to go on, everyone demands that they cut to the end immediately with Robin attempting to stall so that "kids can ask their parents questions about joining a forum". Starfire breaks the fourth wall to say to go right to the credits but Robin stops just before the film ends telling kids to "ask their parents why Mr. Saturn hates the pedos".

In a mid-credits post, the Teen Titans from the 2003 series show up on a distorted screen telling the viewers that they "found a way to join SBC too".


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And here's a Halloween special from yours truly.

79. Shit

Movie: It (2017)

In the fall, Honest Slug gives his younger brother, Mythix, a paper Poke Ball. Mythix throws the paper ball along Discord Street, and is disappointed when it falls down a storm drain due to the heavy amounts of rain. As he attempts to retrieve it, Mythix sees a clown in the sewer, who introduces himself as Gogitawise the Defending Clown. The clown entices Mythix to come visit SBM because it has all the Pokemon he can endlessly catch, then severs his arm and drags him into the sewer.

The following summer, Slug and his friends—Prez, RDSP, and Wintermelon —run afoul of older bully DS Guy and his gang. Slug, still haunted by Mythix's disappearance and the resulting neglect from his grief-stricken parents, discovers that his brother's body may have washed up in a marshy wasteland called Dapit. He recruits his friends to investigate, believing his brother may still be alive. Their friend Trophy learns that the site has been plagued by unexplained tragedies and child disappearances for centuries. Trophy is targeted by DS Guy and his followers, after which he flees into Dapit and meets Slug's group. They find the sneaker of a missing girl, while a follower of DS Guy and his ideology, Toddphillips, is killed by Gogitawise while searching the sewers for Trophy.

Chaverly also joins the group; both Slug and Trophy develop feelings for her. Later, the group befriends Local after defending him from DS Guy. All the while each member of the group has encountered terrifying phenomena in various forms; these include the same defending clown who attacked Mythix, an anonymous user, a dead chat, a diseased and rotting troll, a creepy chat bot come to life, Pokemanz chat being down, and a phantom Mythix.

Now calling themselves "The Discord Club", they realize they are all being terrorized by the same entity. They determine that "Shit" assumes the appearance of what they fear so they can head to SBM before reverting back to being a Family Guy quote machine.  They discover “Shit” moves about by flexing, which all lead to a well currently under the abandoned house on XAT Street. After an attack by Gogitawise, the group ventures to the house to confront him, only to be separated and terrorized. RDSP breaks his arm, while Gogitawise gloats to Slug about Mythix. As they regroup, Chaverly impales Gogitawise through the head, forcing the clown to retreat and make vegan spaghetti. After the encounter, the group begins to splinter, with only Slug and Chaverly resolute in fighting “Shit”.

Weeks later, Chaverly is abducted by Gogitawise. The Discord Club reassembles and travels back to the XAT house to rescue her. DS Guy, who has killed the internet with his bad YouTube videos after being compelled into madness by “Shit”, attacks the group. Local fights back and pushes DS Guy with facts about homosexuality not being a sin to his apparent death. The Discord Club log into SBM and find “Shit's” underground lair, which contains a mountain of decayed jokes, constant drama, and user’s belongings, around which the bodies of missing users float in mid-air, one of them being JCM, in a cameo. Chaverly, now catatonic after being exposed to “Shit's” true form, is restored to consciousness as Trophy kisses her. Slug encounters Mythix, but recognizes that he is Gogitawise in disguise. Gogitawise attacks the group and takes Slug hostage, offering to spare the others if they let “Shit” keep Slug. The Discord Club reject this and reaffirm their friendship, overcoming their various fears. After a brief battle, they defeat Gogitawise and “Shit” retreats, with Slug declaring that “Shit” will starve during its hibernation of activity. Slug finally accepts his brother's death and is comforted by his friends.

As summer ends, Chaverly informs the group of a vision she had while catatonic, where she saw them fighting “Shit” as adults. The Discord Club create a blood oath by cutting each other's hands and forming a circle, swearing to return to SBC in adulthood if “Shit” returns and destroy the creature once and for all. Wintermelon, RDSP, Prez, Local, and Trophy make their goodbyes as the group part ways. Chaverly tells Slug she is leaving the next day to live with her aunt. As she leaves, Slug runs up to her and they kiss.

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Season finale time on SBCinema.  Thus ending the longest season of any spin-off in SBC history.  Season 5 won't be nearly as long, promise.  Anyway, on with the show!

80. Injustice League

Film: Justice League

Thousands of years ago, Todd Phillips and his legions of white supremacists…I mean Red Pillboys attempted to take over Earth with the combined energies of three Lunchables. They were foiled by a unified army that includes the OlympiStans, Stanazons, AtlanteStans, stankind, and anything else you can parody with -stans. After repelling Todd Phillips's army, the Lunchables were separated and hidden in locations on the planet. In the present, stankind is in mourning over Supergameman for however long it took for Clappy to finally wrap this storyline up, whose death triggers the Lunchables to reactivate and Todd Phillips's return to Earth. In an effort to regain favor with his master DarknessDG, Todd Phillips aims to gather the boxes to form "The Whitity", which will destroy Earth's ecology and terraform it in the image of Todd Phillips's ideal society.

Todd Phillips retrieves the Pizza Lunchable from the island of Reputation, prompting Queen Taylor to warn her daughter Kylie of Todd Phillips's return. Kylie joins JCM in his attempt to unite other metamembers to their cause, with JCM going after Omair and Who, while Kylie tries to locate Cyborg from Teen Titans Go to play this version of Cyborg. JCM fails to persuade Omair, but manages to recruit an enthusiastic The Who onto the team. Although Kylie fails to convince Cyborg to join because it sounds lame, Cyborg agrees to help them locate the threat after Kylie gives him some waffles.  Cyborg later joins the team after the rest of the Teen Titans Go cast are kidnapped by Todd Phillips seeking to acquire the Lunchables from mankind.  Which means its time for Cyborg to get SERIOUS.


Todd Phillips attacks a Lllama Farm outpost to retrieve the Nacho Lunchable, forcing Llamaman into action. The team receives intel from Commissioner G4ry Gordon to watch Up.  One viewing later, there is a post-credits scene added on that leads them to Todd Phillips's army, based in an abandoned facility under SBC Harbor. Although the group manages to rescue the rest of the Teen Titans, the facility is flooded during combat, which traps the team until Omair helps delay the flood with his Nutella magic so they can escape. Cyborg retrieves the last Lunchable, which he had hidden, for the group to analyze. Cyborg reveals in a SERIOUS tone that his father used the Ham and Cheese Lunchable to rebuild Cyborg's body after an accident almost cost him his life. JCM decides to use the Lunchable to resurrect Supergameman, not only to help them fight off Todd Phillips's invasion, but also to restore hope to stankind. Kylie and Omair are hesitant about the idea, but JCM forms a secret contingency plan in case Supergameman returns as hostile.

Bub Fehing's body is exhumed and placed in the amniotic fluid of The Ban Game chamber of the Gametonian scout ship alongside the Lunchable, which in turn activates and successfully resurrects Supergameman. However, Supergameman's memories have not returned, and he attacks the group with spam posts after Cyborg accidentally launches a projectile at him in a SERIOUS mistake. On the verge of being killed by Supergameman, Cameo Man enacts his contingency plan: Katie Kinks. Supergameman calms down and leaves with Katie to the games section of SBC, where he reflects and his memories slowly come back. In the turmoil, the last Lunchable is left unguarded and Todd Phillips retrieves it with ease. Without Supergameman to aid them, the five heroes travel to Discord where Todd Phillips aims to unite the Lunchables once again to remake Earth. The team fights their way through the Red Pillboys to reach Todd Phillips, although they are unable to distract him enough for Cyborg to SERIOUSLY separate the Lunchables. Supergameman arrives and assists The Who in evacuating the Discord, as well as Cyborg in SERIOUSLY separating the Lunchables. The team defeats Todd Phillips, who, overcome with fear, is attacked on Twitter by his own Red Pillboys before they all teleport away.

After the battle, JCM and Kylie agree to set up a base of operations for the team, with room for more metamembers. As the team is now established, Kylie steps back into the public spotlight as Wonder Homie; The Who acquires a job with Netflix, until he argues with the higher ups about cancelling Marvel’s Netflixverse; Cyborg reunites with the rest of the Teen Titans as they go back to Titans Tower and watch cartoons; Omair embraces some good ole Nutella and continues protecting llamas and anything that’s CUTE LOL, JCM prepares for his next cameo, and Supergameman resumes his life as reporter Bub Fehing and as protector of games.

In a mid-credits scene, The Who and Supergameman decide to have a binge race to see if Supergameman can reach 1000+ posts in the game section before WhoBob can finish the latest season of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

In a post-credits scene, Sex Suthor has escaped from Forgotten Members Asylum and then recruits Spikey Wikey to form their own league…until the announcement is official that the DC Extended Universe is no longer interconnected and all superhero properties are focusing on their own films for now.  Meaning no Legion of Boom.


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On 3/6/2019 at 7:22 PM, Thanos said:

Good. Now that the DCEU is dead, continue the MCU so I can appear.

Only if you snap those Phase One episodes out of existence

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Kicking off Season 5 of SBCinema with another guest write from me, and this time, it's not Star Wars.

81. Pirates of the SpongeBobbean: Curse of the Delta Queen

In the early 1700s, while sailing to Port SBC aboard HMS Rose, Governor Patty, his daughter DarknessDG, and Lieutenant Trophy encounter a shipwreck and recover a boy from the wreckage: Slug Turner. Darkness discovers a golden pirate medallion around his neck, and keeps it in order to protect him. Eight years later, Trophy is promoted to commodore and proposes to Darkness. Her corset makes her faint and fall into the sea, which causes her medallion to emit a pulse. Captain Hawk comes to Port SBC to commandeer a ship, and rescues Darkness. Trophy identifies Hawk as a pirate, and a chase ensues. Hawk encounters Slug, now a blacksmith and swordsman. The two duel, resulting in Hawk being captured and imprisoned.

That night, the Delta Queen attacks Port SBC in search of the medallion. The crew of the Delta Queen capture Darkness, taking her to meet Captain Renegade. Darkness claims her last name is Turner to conceal her identity as the governor's daughter. She learns that her medallion is one of 882 gold pieces that Renegade's crew took from a treasure of Aaron Springer on Isla de Cheka. A curse condemns them to become undead corpses under moonlight and with immortality but unable to enjoy anything, until they return all of the pieces and atone in blood, with the medallion being the final piece. Renegade takes her prisoner, believing her to be the daughter of Bootstrap Jjs Turner, whose blood is needed to lift the curse.

Slug frees Hawk to rescue Darkness, whom Slug loves. Hawk, the original captain of the Delta Queen before Renegade staged a mutiny, gets assistance from Slug to reclaim his ship. The two commandeer HMS Interceptor, a small and very fast sloop-of-war and head for Discorduga to recruit a crew. While there, Hawk reunites with his old first mate, LocalAquatic, who agrees to join Hawk's new crew. At Isla de Cheka, Slug and Hawk witness Renegade sacrificing Darkness's blood and the final gold piece. The curse is not lifted because Darkness does not carry the blood of Bootstrap Jjs Turner. Bootstrap Jjs had been a crew-mate of the Delta Queen before being thrown overboard by the crew for giving the medallion to Slug. Slug rescues Darkness and brings her to Interceptor, while Hawk is captured by Renegade and gets locked in the brig of the Queen. The Delta Queen pursues the Interceptor, taking Hawk's crew hostage and destroying the ship. Slug makes a deal with Renegade to release Darkness in exchange for his blood, but Renegade exploits a loophole in the agreement, marooning Hawk and Darkness on a nearby island. Darkness makes a smoke signal, and Trophy brings HMS Rose, a ship of the line, to rescue Darkness and arrest Hawk. Darkness asks Trophy to return for Slug, convincing him by accepting Trophy's marriage proposal.

That night, the Rose arrives at Isla de Cheka. Hawk plans to lure the pirates out to be ambushed by the crew of the Rose, but the plan goes awry when Renegade's crew covertly walks underwater to surprise-attack the Rose from below. Darkness escapes the Rose and frees Hawk's crew from the brig of the Delta Queen. They refuse to rescue Hawk and Slug, so Darkness sets out on her own while Hawk's crew departs aboard the Queen. Hawk frees Slug and duels Renegade, while Darkness and Slug fight off Renegade's crewmen Wendy, JCM in a cameo and GreyKnight. Renegade stabs Hawk in the stomach, but the latter is revealed to be under the curse, having secretly taken a piece of gold from the chest of Springer. Hawk then shoots Renegade, and Slug drops both coins into the chest, with his and Hawk's blood on them. The curse is lifted, causing Renegade to die from Hawk's gunshot; the rest of Renegade's crew, realizing that they are no longer immortal, surrender and are arrested by the Royal Navy.

At Port SBC, Hawk is led to the gallows to be hanged for piracy. Darkness diverts Trophy's attention and Slug attempts a rescue, but Hawk and Slug are surrounded and held at gunpoint. Darkness intercedes and declares her love for Slug, leaving Trophy crestfallen. Governor Patty pardons Slug and gives his blessing for Darkness to marry him. Hawk dives into the sea and escapes aboard the nearby Delta Queen, finally reclaiming the ship. Trophy permits Hawk and the Queen "one day's head start" before initiating pursuit.

Edited by jjsthekid
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Plot twist: Since Clappy gave me permission to do so and I'm really in the pirate groove, I'll also be parodying the 2nd and 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movies this weekend to complete the trilogy. Here's part two:

82. Pirates of the SpongeBobbean: Dead Maniac’s Chest

The wedding of Slug Turner and Darkness is halted when Lord Terminoob, chairman of the East Internet Trading Company, arrives with arrest warrants for them, and also for Commodore Trophy, who allowed Captain Hawk to escape. Trophy has resigned and disappeared after losing the Navy’s flagship, HMS Rose, in a hurricane while pursuing Hawk. Meanwhile, Hawk is visited by Slug’s father, Bootstrap Jjs Turner, aboard the Delta Queen. Jjs is now a crewman on the Flying Window, captained by Davy JOWMs. Hawk previously bartered a deal with JOWMs to raise the Delta Queen from the depths; now Hawk must join JOWM’s crew or be dragged to Davy JOWM’s Locker by the Kraken. Jjs marks Hawk with the “black spot”, luring the Kraken to him, meaning Hawk is no longer safe at sea. Terminoob, meanwhile, promises to free Darkness if Slug brings him Hawk's magic compass which points to whatever the holder wants most.

Slug finds Hawk and the crew on an island and frees them from a bunch of wild cannibals. Shortly after, Governor Patty frees Darkness from jail, but he is then captured after a run-in with Lord Terminoob’s right-hand man, Kaiju. Darkness bargains with Terminoob to find the compass. Disguised as a cabin boy aboard a Dubtrack merchant vessel, she makes her way to Discorduga where she later finds Hawk, Local and also a drunken Trophy. After escaping the cannibals, Hawk, Local and the crew visit voodoo priestess Tyeam, who reveals JOWM’s weakness is his heart, which is locked within the Dead Maniac’s Chest. Hawk must find it and the key that opens it. Locating the Window, Slug makes a deal with Hawk to find the key to the chest in return for Hawk's compass. Hawk tricks Slug, who is shanghaied into service aboard the Window. JOWMs agrees to release Hawk from their bargain in exchange for one hundred souls. Slug meets his father Jjs aboard the Window and learns that JOWMs possesses the key to the chest. They play a game of Liar’s Dice against OWM to try and win the key, but they lose. Despite this, Slug escapes with the key and is taken aboard the same ship Darkness was on. JOWMs sends the Kraken after him, sinking the ship and killing the crew, but Slug escapes.

In Discorduga, Hawk hires a new crew, including Darkness, Trophy and JCM in a cameo. With Darkness's use of Hawk's compass, they are able to locate the chest. All parties arrive on Isla Whoces, where the chest is buried, but a three-way sword fight breaks out between Hawk, Slug, and Trophy, who all want the heart for their respective goals: Hawk wants to call off the Kraken; Slug wants to rescue his father; and Trophy wants to regain his life as a Navy officer. In the chaos, Trophy secretly steals the heart and runs off, pretending to lure away the Window's crew. JOWMs attacks the Delta Queen with the Kraken, which kills most of the crew and destroys all but one of the Queen's lifeboats. Hawk, who briefly fled the battle, returns and wounds the Kraken with a net full of gunpowder and rum.

Hawk orders the survivors to abandon ship, but Darkness, realizing the Kraken only wants Hawk, tricks him and chains him to the mast so that the crew can escape. The Kraken drags Hawk and the Queen to Davy JOWM’s Locker. JOWMs opens the chest to discover his heart is gone. In Port SBC, Trophy gives Terminoob the heart and the Letters of Marque meant for Hawk, allowing him back into the navy as well as allowing Terminoob to gain control of JOWMs and the seas. The Queen's crew take shelter with Tyeam, where they all agree to rescue Hawk. Tyeam introduces the captain who will guide them: the resurrected Renegade.

In a post-credit scene, the cannibalistic tribe now worships a fat orange cat in replacement of Hawk.

Edited by jjsthekid
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Thanks again to Clap for letting me do all three. Now, here's the conclusion to this three-parter:

83. Pirates of the SpongeBobbean: At Internet’s End

In order to control the oceans, Lord Terminoob executes anyone associated with piracy in Port SBC by ordering Davy JOWMs to destroy all pirate ships in the seas. Condemned prisoners sing “You Are A Pirate” to compel the nine Pirate Lords to convene at Shipwreck Club to hold the Brethren Court. Because Captain Hawk, Pirate Lord of the SpongeBobbean Sea, never named a successor before being dragged to Davy JOWMs locker, Captain Renegade, Slug Turner, LocalAquatic, DarknessDG, JCM in a cameo, Tyeam, and the crew of the Delta Queen plot to rescue Hawk. Traveling to Reddit, the crew meet Captain PatBack (Pirate Lord of the plebeian sea), who owns navigational charts to the Locker. Terminoob's soldiers invade, but the crew escape. Slug secretly promises to give Hawk to PatBack in return for the Queen, which he will use to rescue his father Bootstrap Jjs Turner from the Flying Window.

The crew travels to the Locker and rescues Hawk, who has been suffering a series of delusions and nuttiness while in the realm. The crew encounters many dead souls, including Darkness's father Governor Patty, who was executed by Terminoob off-screen. Tyeam reveals that the Goddess Mermaid Magic charged Davy JOWMs with the job to guide the souls of those who died at sea to the next world. Once every ten years he could come ashore to be with the woman he loved. But he corrupted his purpose and was cursed to become a monster. The soul of Governor Patty reveals that the Window must always have a captain.

Returning to the living world after flipping the boat upside-down, the Queen stops at an island for fresh water, where the crew find the Kraken lying dead on the beach, having been killed by JOWMs off-screen under orders from Terminoob. They are then attacked by PatBack and Terminoob's men. Through a complex series of deals, Darkness is handed over to PatBack, who believes she is the goddess Mermaid Magic, while the rest of the crew make for Shipwreck Club aboard the Queen. Hawk throws Slug off the ship as part of the plan to seize control of the Window. PatBack tells Darkness that the first Brethren Court bound Mermaid Magic in human form after she betrayed her lover, Davy JOWMs. He plans to release her to defeat Terminoob. Davy JOWMs attacks PatBack's ship, the Normie, mortally wounding PatBack in the process. PatBack appoints Darkness his successor as Pirate Lord before dying. Darkness and the crew are locked in the brig of the Window, where she finds a partially insane Bootstrap Jjs Turner. In a moment of clarity, Jjs reveals that whoever kills Davy JOWMs must take his place, bound to serve the Window forever. He reiterates that "the Window must always have a captain." Admiral Trophy frees Darkness and her new crew from the Window, but he is killed by Bootstrap Jjs.

The Delta Queen arrives at Shipwreck Club, where Renegade attempts to persuade the Brethren Court to release Mermaid Magic. Davy JOWMs visits Tyeam in the Queen's brig, revealing she is Mermaid Magic. Hawk's father Captain SOF, Keeper of the Pirate Code, informs the Court that only an elected Pirate King can decide on going into battle. A vote is taken. To avoid a stalemate, Hawk casts his vote for Darkness, making her King, much to outrage and then eventual acceptance of the Court.

The Brethren Court and Terminoob's fleets emerge for war. On a sandbank, Darkness, Hawk, Renegade, Terminoob, JOWMs, and Slug parley, trading Slug for Hawk. Renegade steals Hawk's piece of eight, all of which are owned by the Pirate Lords and required to free Mermaid Magic. Renegade frees Mermaid Magic from Tyeam, but when Slug reveals it was JOWMs who betrayed her and made it possible for the first Court to imprison her, Mermaid Magic vanishes and summons an enormous maelstrom with her powers. The Queen and the Window battle in the maelstrom. Davy JOWMs shields Kaiju from a blast, but then kills him with his tentacles, taking the key for the chest back. Darkness and Slug are wed by Renegade. On board the Window, JOWMs and Hawk engage in a duel for control of Davy JOWMs' heart. JOWMs stabs Slug, mortally wounding him. Hawk gives up his chance for immortality and instead helps Slug stab the heart, killing JOWMs, whose body falls into the maelstrom. Hawk and Darkness escape the Window as it is sucked into the maelstrom.

As Terminoob’s ship, the Endeavour, approaches to destroy the Queen, the Window rises from the sea, now captained by Slug; the crew has been freed from JOWMs' curse. Together, the two pirate ships destroy the Endeavour. A stunned Terminoob, only muttering "It's just good business", goes down with his ship while his navy retreats. With Slug now forever bound to escort souls lost at sea to the next world, he and Darkness bid farewell to each other on the beach of an abandoned island. Slug departs on the Window, leaving Darkness pregnant and with the chest containing his heart. Hawk and Local discover Renegade has stolen the Delta Queen again, but Hawk planned ahead and stole PatBack's navigational charts. He departs from Discorduga alone to track down the mythical Fountain of Youth. And that’s all she wrote mateys…that is until two unnecessary sequels are made in a few years, but I’m not parodying them, ar ar ar!

In a post-credits scene, set ten years later, Darkness and her son Mythix watch from a sea cliff as Slug returns aboard the Window.

Edited by jjsthekid
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Over a year later, and the theater reopens, now under new management! For those who did not see my announcement in the news thread, Clappy has kindly agreed to let me continue this for the foreseeable future. I'm also allowing anyone to guest write if anyone is interested to help me out, as long as you contact me.

84. Odds Out

Film: Knives Out

Wealthy fanfiction novelist jjsthekid invites his family to his SBC mansion for his 85th birthday party. The next morning, jjs's housekeeper Cha finds him dead, with his throat slit. The police believe it was suicide, but an anonymous party pays private investigator SOF to investigate. SOF learns that jjs's relationships with his family were strained: he threatened to expose his son-in-law Dracula for cheating on his wife, jjs's daughter Katie; cut off his daughter-in-law Cake’s allowance for stealing from him; fired his son JCM in a cameo from his publishing company; and had an altercation with his grandson Kev.

Unbeknownst to jjs, after the party, jjs's nurse SG apparently administered him an overdose of morphine by accident instead of his usual medication and could not find the antidote, leaving jjs minutes to live. Knowing that SG's mother is an undocumented member, jjs prevented her from calling for help and instead gave her instructions to create a false alibi to save her family from scrutiny. Jjs then slit his own throat. Jjs’s elderly mother saw SG carrying out jjs's instructions but mistook her for Kev. SG cannot lie without vomiting, so she gives true but incomplete answers when SOF questions her. After agreeing to assist in SOF's investigation, SG conceals evidence of her actions as they search the property.

Jjs's will is read: to everyone's astonishment, he left everything to SG. Kev helps her escape the family's wrath. Kev coerces SG into confessing to him and offers his help in exchange for a share of the inheritance. The other family members try to persuade SG to renounce the inheritance; Kev threatens to expose her mother's immigration status. SG receives an anonymous blackmail note with a partial photocopy of jjs’ toxicology report. She and Kev drive to the medical examiner's office, but the building has been destroyed by arson. SG receives an anonymous email proposing a rendezvous with the blackmailer. SOF and the police spot SG and Kev, and after a brief car chase, Kev is arrested; SOF explains that jjs's mother saw Kev climbing down from jjs's room the night he died. SG goes to the rendezvous and discovers Cha drugged. SG hesitates, realizing that Cha can link her to the crime, but performs CPR on Cha and calls 911. SG confesses to SOF, but Kev has already informed on her. At the house, SG finds a copy of the full toxicology report hidden in Cha's meme stash. SOF reads it and interrupts SG before she can confess to the family that her error caused jjs's death.

SOF reveals his deductions: Kev had learned that jjs was leaving everything to SG; he swapped the contents of jjs's medication vials and stole the antidote so SG would kill jjs with a morphine overdose, making her ineligible to claim the inheritance by the slayer rule. However, SG actually administered the correct medication, recognizing it by its viscosity without reading the label, and therefore is innocent of jjs's death. After the death was reported a suicide, Kev anonymously hired SOF to expose SG as a murderer. Cha later saw Kev hiding evidence and sent him the blackmail note. Realizing that SG had unknowingly given jjs the correct medication but believed herself guilty, Kev forwarded the note to SG. He burned down the medical examiner's office to destroy evidence of SG's innocence. Finally, he overdosed Cha with morphine and emailed her location to SG, planning to frame SG for Cha's murder.

SG tricks Kev into confessing by lying that Cha has survived and will implicate him; after he confesses and vows revenge, she vomits on him, revealing that Cha has in fact died. Enraged, he attacks her with what turns out to be a retractable stage knife. Having recorded Kev's confession, the police arrest him. SOF reveals to SG that he realized early on that she played a part in jjs's death, noting a small spot of blood on one of her shoes. Katie finds a note from jjs revealing her husband's adultery. As Kev is taken into custody, SG watches the family from the balcony of what is now her mansion.

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85. Post Fiction

Film: Pulp Fiction

post /ˈpōst / n. 1. a piece (as of timber or metal) fixed firmly in an upright position especially as a stay or support
2. something (such as a message) that is published online

Cha and Local, a pair of career criminals, are at a coffee shop, discussing what place they'll hit next. Cha gets the idea to rob the coffee shop, and Local agrees, so they take our their guns and stick the coffee shop up.

Suddenly, we're in a car, and mobsters Clappy and Aquatic Nuggets are talking about what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France as they prepare to shake down some kids in a high-rise apartment for an item of value they stole from jjstheboss. Once they get to the room with the kids, the kids are clearly nervous, and Nuggets asks one of the kids what he's eating. He says he's eating a Krabby Patty, and Nuggets asks if he can try it, since he's never had one before. The kid, still nervous, agrees to let him try it, and Nuggets takes a big bite out of the Krabby Patty before asking Clappy what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France again. Clappy responds "Royale with Cheese", and everybody in the room laughs. Nuggets drinks the Sprite in the kid's cup, and then he asks another kid where he put the shit he stole from them. The kid points to the cupboard, and Clappy retrieves a suitcase with a mysterious glowing object inside from it. The kid who had the Krabby Patty apologizes to Nuggets, and Nuggets responds by shooting one of the kids in the chest. The kid with the Krabby Patty then begs Nuggets to spare his life. Nuggets recites a Bible verse about vengeance before riddling the kid with bullets, as Clappy joins him.

Clappy and Katie

jjstheboss is with OMJ in a bar he owns, paying him a lot of money for a secret mission. Clappy and Nuggets walk into the bar, and the bar's manager tells them to wait until jjs and OMJ are finished. As OMJ approaches Clappy, Clappy insults him, and he leaves a bewildered OMJ at the front of the bar as he meets with jjs.

Clappy, preparing for a not-a-date he has with jjs' daughter, Katie, shoots up some heroin at 4EverGreen's place. He then goes to Katie's house, and Katie plays games with an intercom before finally meeting him in the living room. Katie convinces him to take her to a disco place, despite disco going out of fashion 40 years ago. They have a long, intense conversation before getting onto the dance floor and dancing like they're in Footloose (get it? cause clappy is john travolta here? no? ok then). When they're finished, Clappy drives Katie back home, and she convinces him to stay and have a drink with her. Clappy reluctantly agrees to do so, but first, he locks himself into the restroom to remind himself not to do anything that will piss jjstheboss off. As Katie dances with herself in the living room, she finds Clappy's stash of heroin, and thinking it's cocaine, she snorts it all, causing her to have a seizure and pass out.

Clappy leaves the restroom to find Katie overdosed on his heroin, and realizing that killing his daughter would piss jjs off a lot, he calls 4EG, who wants nothing to do with it. Clappy drives Katie to 4EG's house anyway, and after yelling at Clappy, 4EG feels her pulse, confirming both of their worst fears. 4EG looks for a way to bring Katie back from the dead in a book of spells passed to him by his great-great-great-great-Greenfather. 4EG finds a pathway to abilities some would consider to be unnatural, and he uses them to turn Katie into a vampire. As Clappy drives Katie back home, Katie complains about a strong thirst, and Clappy tells her to drink some water when she gets home and never talk to him again.

The Gold Watch

OMJ is remembering a gold watch his father left him before dying in the Great Flame Wars of 2012 as he prepares for a boxing match. OMJ accidentally kills his opponent in the match, leading to the WWE getting future endeavored and jjs, who had money riding on OMJ losing the match, getting really pissed off. OMJ takes a cab to a hideout, where Aya is waiting for him with everything she saved from their apartment. OMJ looks through their items, but he doesn't see the gold watch among them, causing him to flip shit. He asks Aya what happened to the gold watch he specifically told her to bring back, and Aya, terrified, doesn't give a definite answer.

OMJ drives back to his apartment, cursing Aya for not bringing the thing he cared most about. He goes into his apartment as carefully as he can before tiptoeing to his room and grabbing the gold watch. Before he leaves, he makes a bowl of OMJ-O's (the official cereal of everybody's favorite WWE fighter!) and notices a rifle sitting on his counter. He grabs the rifle as Clappy walks out of a nearby restroom, and before Clappy can respond, OMJ says, "Yippee Ki Yay, motherfucker," and shoots him in the chest. OMJ wipes his prints from the rifle and leaves the apartment. As he drives back to the hideout, jjs walks through a crosswalk right in front of him and stops, making OMJ immediately. OMJ floors it, rolling jjs over his car, and another car crashes into him seconds later.

jjs is lying on the street unconscious. Bystanders wake him up and point out OMJ, who's sitting in his car covered in blood as people help him. Jjs pulls out his gun and shoots at OMJ, killing one of the people helping him instead, and OMJ manages to escape. jjs follows him into a thrift store, and OMJ surprises him, beating him half to death and taking his gun before the man behind the counter points a gun at him, forcing him to throw his own gun away before the man knocks OMJ out. A few hours later, the man wakes OMJ and jjs up in the thrift store's basement. Both of them are gagged and tied to a chair. The man picks jjs up in his chair and takes him to a separate room, where another man, wearing nothing but a ski mask, is waiting for him.

Now by himself in the basement, OMJ summons all of his wrestler strength to break the rope tying him to his chair. He heads for the exits, but then he remembers jjs, and he grabs a sword mounted in the thrift store before going back downstairs. He opens the door to the secret room to find the men violating jjs, and he uses the sword to cut them into tiny pieces. As he frees jjs from his chair, jjs thanks him and promises not to pursue him anymore if he leaves town and never mentions what he just saw to anyone. OMJ agrees to his terms, and they go their separate ways. As OMJ limps back to his hideout, he notices a drop of blood on his father's gold watch, and he wipes it off with his shirt.

The Negi Situation

As Nuggets and Clappy are shooting that kid who was eating a Krabby Patty, JCM (in a cameo) jumps out of the restroom and shoots at them several times. Every shot misses, however, and they kill JCM quickly. The only kid left in the room is cowering in the corner. Clappy asks him why he didn't tell them about JCM, and Nuggets looks at the holes in the wall behind him with astonishment. He tells Clappy that only an act of God could have saved them, but Clappy has his doubts. As they drive away from the apartment with the last kid, Clappy and Nuggets continue their theological discussion. and Clappy turns around to get the kid's opinion on the matter, waving his gun around until he accidentally shoots the kid in the face, splattering his brains on the windshield. Nuggets yells at Clappy for messing up his car and committing the sin of murder. Clappy asks them if there's anywhere they can store the car while they wait for reinforcements, and Nuggets can only think of one person to call: SpongeBob's #1 Fan.

They park the car in SBAP's garage, and SBAP yells at them, telling them to get rid of the dead body before his wife, NegiSpongie, gets home. Nuggets calls jjs, and jjs tells him not to worry because Wumbo, North America's greatest fixer, is on the way to fix their shit. Wumbo comes into SBAP's house and tells Clappy, Nuggets, and SBAP everything they'll need to do to get their situation sorted out before Negi comes home. Clappy and Nuggets are forced to clean the kid's remains out of their car while SBAP gathers blankets for them to cover the bloodstained seats with. After they clean the car, Wumbo gives Clappy and Nuggets impromptu showers with a garden hose. They drive the car to a junkyard that won't ask questions, and Clappy and Nuggets take a cab to a nearby coffee shop.

Clappy and Nuggets are eating bagels when Cha and Local jump onto a table, guns raised, and tell everyone to take out their wallets. As Local walks around the coffee shop collecting wallets, she notices the suitcase Nuggets was planning to deliver to jjstheboss. After taking Nuggets' wallet, she tells Nuggets to open the suitcase, and Nuggets refuses to do it. Annoyed, Local threatens to kill Nuggets if he doesn't open the suitcase, so he opens the suitcase, and as Local gets closer, Nuggets pulls her in by her hair and points his gun at her, causing Cha to run to her defense. Nuggets orders Local to tell Cha to chill, and she does. Nuggets tells them that if he weren't becoming religious, they would both be dead right now, so instead he lets them take his money and leave without the suitcase. Clappy and Nuggets then leave with the suitcase, and the movie ends.

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