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Yep you read this right. Nothing like JCMovies, I promise. This wasn't my original idea, but I figured this could be a fun side project while I finalize an actual new lit or spin-off idea.

Plot: Each episode is a parody of a movie involving SBC members.

 

Edited by jjsthekid

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Here is the pilot to give y'all an idea of where I am going.

1. User Centipede

Movie: Human Centipede

Jelly and Smiles, two American tourists (or one American and one Dominican...eh screw it, leave it the way it is :P) in Germany, are drugged and involuntarily detained by crazed surgeon Dr. Elastic when they seek help at his house after their car breaks down. The women awake in a makeshift medical ward. They witness Elastic kill a kidnapped truck driver (JCM in a cameo) after Elastic informs him he is "not a match". When the women wake up a second time, Elastic has secured a new male captive, Japanese tourist Shinya (sorry Shinya, couldn’t resist :P). The doctor explains that he is a world-renowned expert at separating conjoined twins, but dreams of making new creatures by sewing people together. He describes in detail how he will surgically connect his three victims mouth-to-anus, so that they share a single digestive system. He shall call it a user centipede.

After Jelly tries to escape and fails, Elastic explains to her that he had previously experimented with creating what he called a "three-dog", also joined mouth-to-anus. However, the three-dog died shortly after surgery. Elastic tells Jelly that the middle dog of his creation experienced the most pain, and as punishment for her escape attempt she will become the middle part of his user centipede. Elastic performs the surgery on his victims, placing Shinya at the front, Jelly in the middle and Smiles at the rear. During his procedure, Elastic severs the ligaments in his victims' knees so they cannot stand and are forced to crawl, and sticks the victims together in a line with their mouths surgically attached to the anus of the person in front of them.

Once the operation is complete, Elastic attempts to train his user centipede as a pet. During one such session, he watches with great delight as Jelly is forced to swallow Shinya's excrement. However, he eventually becomes irritated after being kept awake by the constant screaming of Shinya and the realization that Smiles is dying from blood poisoning. When two detectives, SOF and Jjs, visit the house to investigate the disappearance of tourists, Elastic decides to add them as replacements for Smiles in a new creation, a quadruped. Elastic succeeds in drugging one of the detectives, Jjs, as the pair later leave the house to obtain a search warrant. The victims attempt to escape from the ward, crawling up the stairs, as Shinya also attacks Elastic in the process. Their attempt to escape ultimately fails. Shinya confesses to the doctor, in Japanese (yet again, not trying to be racist Shinya :P), that he deserves his fate because he had treated his family poorly. Shinya then commits suicide by slitting his throat with a shard of broken glass.

The detectives return to the house and forcefully conduct separate searches as an injured Elastic hides near his swimming pool. SOF finds the makeshift ward along with Elastic's victims in another room. Meanwhile Jjs begins to feel ill from the earlier drugging, and is later shot by Elastic. SOF discovers Jjs dead in the swimming pool. Elastic shoots SOF in the stomach, and SOF responds by shooting Elastic in the head, finally killing Elastic. SOF then falls in the pool, dead. Back in the house, Smiles and Jelly hold hands as Smiles dies from her infection. Jelly sobs as she is left alone in the house, trapped between her deceased fellow captives.

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And with that...you shall see more of this.

2. Anchorman: The Legend of SpongeSebastian

Movie: Anchorman

In 2011, SpongeSebastian is the famous and successful anchorman for KSBC-TV YouTube Channel 342394 News. He works alongside his friends on the news team: fashion-oriented lead field reporter CDCB, sportscaster Old Man “OMJ” Jenkins, and chief meteorologist Dragiiin, who unbeknownst to his colleagues is actually a genius. The team is notified by their boss, Jjs, that their station has maintained its long-held status as the highest-rated SpongeBob forum news program on YouTube, leading them to throw a wild party. While getting drunk, SpongeSebastian sees an attractive blond woman and immediately tries to hit on her. After an awkward, failed pick-up attempt, the woman leaves.

The next day, Jjs informs the team that he has been forced by the network to hire Deli, a female news reporter from the Spandy boards – and the same woman SpongeSebastian had tried to pick up the night before. The news team attempts to seduce Deli using various inept, arrogant and sexist methods, all of which backfire. SpongeSebastian ends up asking her out under the guise of helping out a new co-worker, which she accepts. During their date, SpongeSebastian woos Deli by playing jazz flute in his friend’s club. Deli goes against her policy of not dating co-workers and sleeps with SpongeSebastian. The next day, despite agreeing with Deli to keep the relationship discreet, SpongeSebastian tells the entire news room that he and Deli are in a relationship (and later announces it on the air).

The next day when SpongeSebastian is on his way to the station, he throws a burrito out his car window, accidentally hitting a motorcyclist in the head, causing him to crash. In a fit of rage, the biker (JCM in a cameo) retaliates by punting SpongeSebastian's cat, who is Unlimited, off a bridge. A distressed and incoherent SpongeSebastian calls CDCB from a pay phone and tells him what happened. Since SpongeSebastian is now late, CDCB frantically tells him to come to the station because SpongeSebastian is about to take his place. Despite SpongeSebastian 's efforts to arrive early, Deli goes on air. After SpongeSebastian arrives, he has an argument with Deli about the situation and they break up. The next day, Deli is made co-anchor, much to the entire news team's disgust. The co-anchors soon become fierce rivals and argue with each other both on and off the air.

One day while feeling down on themselves, the News team decides to buy new suits. However on the way to the suit shop Dragiiin, who was leading the way, gets them lost ending up in a shady part of town. They are then confronted by rival ssj and his YouTube news team for SBM. Tired of their sarcasm and petty anger, SpongeSebastian challenges them to a fight. All armed with crude weapons the two teams are about to fight when they are joined by YouTube news team for iNick with lead anchor, hilaryfan80, the tv.com news team and their lead anchor, and only member, pajoe, and the Canadian news with lead anchor, Wumbo (and you guys thought I was going to say SOF, am I right?). A full on melee ensues between the five teams until they all flee when police sirens are heard.

While in a restaurant celebrating Deli's success, one of Deli's co-workers tells her that SpongeSebastian will read anything that is written on jjs scripts. Later, Deli sneaks into the station and changes the words in Jjs's script. The next day, instead of SpongeSebastian saying his signature "Hey there, SpongeSebastian here!" opening, SpongeSebastian begins the broadcast with, "Go fuck yourself, SBC!" Everyone in the studio, except SpongeSebastian, is speechless. An angry mob gathers outside the studio and Jjs must fire SpongeSebastian. Deli sees that she has gone too far and attempts to apologize, but SpongeSebastian angrily dismisses her while being led through the mob by security, yelling at her that she had "reduced him to rubble".

Three months later, SpongeSebastian is unemployed, friendless, hated by the city, and is a slovenly drunk. In this time, Deli has become very famous, but is hated by her male coworkers for sabotaging SpongeSebastian; Jjs even told OMJ, Dragiiin, and CDCB, that they are not to talk to SpongeSebastian or he will fire them if they do. When it is announced that Pinkie Pie the pony is about to give birth, all YouTube news teams head to the zoo to cover the story. In an attempt to sabotage her, pajoe pushes Deli into a honey badger enclosure. When Jjs cannot find Deli, he calls the bar where SpongeSebastian spends most of his time and reluctantly asks him to return. SpongeSebastian then summons the rest of his team by blowing the "News Horn", despite the fact that they were all standing a foot away playing pool.

Unlimitedcat, who has miraculously survived, hears this call and follows the voice to find SpongeSebastian. Once at the zoo, SpongeSebastian jumps into the pen to save Deli, with everyone else at the zoo watching. The Channel 4 news team then jumps in to help SpongeSebastian. Just as the leader of the honey badgers is about to rip SpongeSebastian and Deli apart, Unlimitedcat shows up and convinces the honey badger to let them live by mentioning that she is a friend of the honey badger's cousin, whom she met in the wild.

After SpongeSebastian and Deli reconcile, it is shown that in years to come, CDCB becomes the host of a Fox reality show named Intercourse Island, Dragiiin is Barack Obama 's top political adviser, OMJ is a commentator for the NFL before he was fired for sexually harassing Tom Brady (the only reason I made OMJ a parody of Champ), and SpongeSebastian and Deli are co-anchors for the CNN-esque World News Center, taking over after the narrator retires and it is shown to be some time later as SpongeSebastian and Deli are shown looking dashing.

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3. Members Like Us

Movie: Spies Like Us

Storytime is a pony loving, basement-dwelling codebreaker for The Pentagon who aspires to escape his under-respected job to become a secret agent. Steel Sponge, a wisecracking, pencil-pushing son of an envoy, takes the foreign service exam under peer pressure. Storytime and Steel meet during the test, on which Steel openly attempts to cheat after an attempt to seduce his immediate supervisor in exchange for the answers backfires. Storytime, however, was forced to take the test, having had only one day to prepare after his supervisor gives him a notice that was two weeks old.

Needing expendable agents to act as decoys to draw attention away from a more capable team, the Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) decides to enlist the two, promote them to be Foreign Service Operatives, put them through minimal training, and then send them on an undefined mission into Soviet Central Asia. Meanwhile, professional agents are well on their way to reaching the real objective: the seizure of a mobile SS-50 ICBM launcher. The main team takes a loss, while Storytime and Steel miraculously escape enemy traps, attacks, and other certain perils. Eventually the bumbling pair encounter Science Girl, the only surviving operative from the main team.

In the Pamir Mountains of the Tajik Soviet Socialist Republic, the trio overpowers a mobile missile guard unit using hastily constructed extraterrestrial outfits and tranquilizer guns. Following orders in real-time from the intelligence agency (operating from a military bunker located deep under an abandoned drive-in theater), they begin to operate the launcher. At the end of their instructions, the vehicle launches the ICBM into space, targeting an unspecified area in the United States. Thinking they have begun a nuclear war, the American agents and their Soviet counterparts pair up to have sex before the world ends.

Meanwhile, the military commander at the operations bunker, JCM (in a cameo), initiates the conversion of the drive-in theater to expose what is hidden beneath the screens and projection booth: a huge black-op "Star Wars"-esque laser and collector/emitter screen. The purpose of sending the agents to launch a Soviet/Russian ICBM is thereby exposed as a means to test this anti-ballistic missile system. Unfortunately, the laser fails to intercept the nuclear missile, which is heading for the U.S. and will almost certainly trigger a global thermonuclear war.

Back in the Soviet Union or Russia depending on your interpretation, guilt-ridden and horrified at the thought of having launched a nuclear missile at their own country, the American spies (and their new Soviet Russian friends) use Storytime's technical knowledge to force a malfunction in the launcher vehicle and transmit junk instructions to the traveling missile, sending it off into space where it detonates harmlessly. Immediately after, the underground bunker back at the drive-in theater is stormed by U.S. Army Rangers, and the intelligence and military officials involved in the covert operation are arrested. For their part, Storytime, Steel, and Science Girl go on to become nuclear disarmament negotiators, playing nuclear versions of Risk and Trivial Pursuit against their new Soviet Russian friends.

Notes:

-In case no one has noticed by now, JCM has appeared in his third cameo. Is this becoming a recurring thing? Perhaps.

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4. The Banned Club

Movie: The Breakfast Club

The plot follows five banned members of SBC as they report for counseling on a Saturday at the XAT. While complete strangers, the five members are each from a different clique or social group.

The five members—ACSBehemothHellcat (ACS), jenna (Jenna...derp), rallyistracer (Rally), HornySponge (Horny), and WhaleBlubber (Blubber) —who seem to have nothing in common at first, come together at the XAT, where they are harangued and ordered not to speak or move from their seats by the administrator supervising them, 70s. They are to remain for a period of eight hours and fifty-four minutes. He assigns a 1,000 word essay in which each person must write about who he or she thinks they are and then leaves them unsupervised since it is only a chat room, returning only occasionally to check on them. Blubber, who has a particularly negative relationship with 70s, disregards the rules and riles the other members; mocking ACS and Rally, and sexually harassing Jenna. Horny remains oddly quiet except for the occasional random outburst.

The members pass the hours in a variety of ways like going XAT hopping, getting high, and of course dancing in front of their webcams off SBC’s tinychat, which they are not banned from. What kind of dancing you may ask? Well since this is obviously a parody of The Breakfast Club, then I, the author, must oblige and make them do this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRMrMzw0t20

Gradually they open up to each other and reveal their inner secrets (for example, Horny is a compulsive liar, Blubber comes from an abusive household and ACS and jenna are ashamed of their virginity, which is shocking because jenna got banned for sexual PMs to SBC users). They also discover that they all have strained relationships with their parents and are afraid of making the same mistakes as the adults around them. However, despite these developing friendships the members are afraid that once the counseling is over, they will return to their very different cliques and never speak to each other again.

At the request and consensus of the members, ACS is asked to write the essay 70s assigned earlier (the subject of which was to be a synopsis by each student detailing "who you think you are"), which challenges 70s and his preconceived judgments about all of them. ACS does so, but instead of writing about the assigned topic, he writes a very motivating letter that is, in essence, the main point of the story: that each of them (or any person, in that matter) is a bit of everything and not the whole of what people see in them. He signs the essay as "The Banned Club" and leaves it at the table for 70s to read when they leave. There are two versions of this letter, one read at the beginning and one at the end, which are slightly different; illustrating the change in the users' judgments of one another and their realization that they truly have things in common.

The beginning letter is as follows:

ACS:

70s,

I AM IN RAGE MODE! I CAN”T BELIEVE YOU ARE MAKING ME WRITE THIS SHIT. ON A SATURDAY NONE THE LESS. WHAT DID WE DO THAT WAS WRONG? YOU ARE CRAZY FOR MAKING US WRITE THIS DAMN PIECE OF SHIT ESSAY. HOW EXACTLY ARE WE SUPPOSE TO SEND IT TO YOU? THROUGH PRIVATE MESSAGES? WE ARE BANNED, REMEMBER? AND WHY DO YOU CARE ANYWAY? YOU SEE US AS THE WAY YOU WANT TO SEE US. YOU SEE US AS A REBEL, AN EGOMANIAC, A CYBERSLUT, A TROLL, AND ONE OF DOOGLE’S FRIENDS. IS THAT NOT? THAT’S THE WAY WE SAW EACH OTHER THIS MORNING TOO.

The end letter is as follows:

ACS:

70S,

I AM STILL TYPING IN ALL CAPS LYKE DIS EXCEPT THIS TIME I CAN ACCEPT TEH FACT DAT WE HAD TO WASTE OUR SATURDAY HERE...YOU ARE CRAZY FOR MAKING ME WRITE DIS ESSAY ASKING WHO THE HELL ARE WE. YOU SEE US AS YOU SEE US... TROLLS, BANNED MEMBERS, AND ASSHOLES. BUT WE FOUND OUT THAT EACH ONES OF US IS A REBEL...

Rally: ...an egomaniac...

Jenna: ...and a cyberslut...

Blubber: ...a troll...

Horny: ...and one of Doogle’s friends...

ACS: DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION NOW?

SINCERELY YOURS,

THE BANNED CLUB.

The episode ends with the members meeting up in real life at the Super Bowl since that is culturally relevant at the time this episode was written. Horny and Rally are shown kissing, since they hooked up after Jenna gave Horny a makeover. As well as Jenna and Blubber, who appears to be turned on by "alleged" bad boys. Jenna gives Blubber her earring, which he puts on after she leaves. Blubber walks onto the football field and pumps his fist into the air, and is freeze framed…then escorted out by the police for interrupting the Super Bowl.

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This episode reminded me that I'm still miffed that jenna never sent me anything. >=(
Sorry Wumbo, but you really weren't missing much.

Oh and OMJ, I am touched.

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5. SOF's Day Off

Movie: Ferris Bueller's Day Off

The following events take place from this past Thursday, a.k.a. the day where SOF, Wumbo, and Cat raped SBC in posting. This is what happened when they were not posting on here. They had a life changing adventure.

As the story begins, Canadian student SOF, decides to skip school on a nice winter day by faking an illness to his parents, then encourages his girlfriend, Unlimitedcat, and his pessimistic best friend, Wumbo, to spend the day on SBC, as one of their last flings before they have to go back to school on a regular basis. SOF persuades Wumbo to let them use his father's prized convertible 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California to drive into the city of Toronto to grab some maple syrup because they are Canadian…EH? The rest of SBC and many other residents learn of SOF' exaggerated illness and offer donations to help "Save SOF". Only two other people are not convinced by SOF's deception: his often sarcastic rival GBF (GooseBumpsFan), outraged at SOF's ability to defy authority easily, and one of the consultants of SBC, Tvguy, who believes SOF to be full of it.

SOF and his friends arrive in Toronto to take a break from posting on SBC and leave the Ferrari with two garage attendants, who drive off in it a short time later to take a joyride. SOF, Cat and Wumbo enjoy many sights of the city, including a Toronto Raptors game, visits to the CN Tower, Nathan Phillips Square, and the Eaton Centre as well as taking part in the Leif Erickson Day Parade (why not?), where SOF lip-syncs to Phineas and Ferb songs "Backyard Beach" and "Gitchi Gitchi Goo" while riding on a parade float. SOF even uses his ploys to pretend he is Tom Green to dine at an upscale restaurant, Le Kensington Bistro, while narrowly avoiding his father, who is on his way to lunch with business associates.

Meanwhile, Mr. Tvguy goes off SBC to try to find SOF, first at a local Canadian hangout, then at SOF's home. He tries to gain entry, but gets stuck in the mud and loses his shoe while being chased by the SOF family's dog. He eventually gains access, but GBF comes to the home of SOF, trying to find him, and discovers Mr. Tvguy in the kitchen, mistaking him for a burglar. He high-kicks him in the face and decides to run upstairs to call the police. This forces Mr. Tvguy to flee the scene, dropping his wallet in the process. When the police show up, they take GBF in for prank calling, and while at the police station, he talks to a drug addict (JCM in a cameo…who wasn’t in the last episode for the first time), who tells him that he needs to stop worrying so much about SOF and more about himself. GBF becomes increasingly annoyed with JCM, but is found talking down to him when his mother arrives to pick him up. That way it seems like GBF is making good choices.

At the end of the day, SOF and his friends retrieve the Ferrari, but discover on the way home that hundreds of miles have been added to the odometer. This sends Wumbo into a panic; SOF says to the audience, "This where Wombo go goofy" just before Wumbo emits a scream of terror, fearing his father's reaction. Wumbo goes temporarily catatonic, and tries to drown himself in his neighbor's pool, before SOF saves him. After calming him down, SOF comes up with a plan to run the car's engine in reverse inside Wumbo's father's hillside garage, hoping to undo the mileage on the odometer. When they realize this is not working, Wumbo unleashes his pent-up anger against his father, kicking and damaging the front of the Ferrari. He realizes it is high time to stand up to his father and vows to accept the consequences of the damage he has done. He calms down and leans against the car, which is still running, in reverse gear, but it falls off the jack, races in reverse and crashes through the glass wall of the garage, landing in a ravine behind the house. Despite SOF' offer to take the blame, Wumbo still plans to "take it" and admit his actions to his father and get grounded for life. But at least Wumbo still has SBC.

SOF walks Cat home, before realizing he must get home within five minutes. He then races through the backyards of his neighborhood to get back home before his parents. Along the way, he has several close encounters with his family members driving home, but his parents do not notice him. When he arrives home, he is unable to find the house key under the doormat and instead finds Mr. Tvguy with the key, saying "Looking for this?" Mr. Tvguy then explains to SOF how he has waited for this day and tells him to expect to be given negative reputation. However, GBF finds the two, thanks Mr. Tvguy for driving SOF back from the hospital and shows him the wallet that he left behind when he broke in earlier, throwing it in the mud. Mr. Tvguy leaves as SOF confronts Goosey and thanks him, leaving SOF with enough time to get back into bed just before his parents check on him.

As things are rolling, Mr. Tvguy, in his disheveled state, is invited by a bus driver to hitch a ride back to California on a bus as it drives Americans back pass the Canadian border. Later, at the end, SOF emerges from the bathroom, speaking directly to the readers of this installment, "You here? It over. Go home. That’s all folks!"

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6. Two Cops WHO DON'T GIVE A FUCK

Movie: Bad Boys

*Title homage to the short lived lit from me and Ex

Teenj and Metal Snake are best friends and detectives in the narcotics division of the SBC Police Department. One night, $100 million of seized heroin is stolen from a secure police vault. This is a major blow to Teenj and Metal Snake, because it was the biggest drug bust of their careers. Internal Affairs warns SBC PD that if they do not recover the drugs in five days the narcotics division will be shut down.

One thief, a former cop, JCM in a cameo, is found dead at a hotel suite, shot to death by his boss, British drug kingpin Doogle. Doogle also kills NegiSpongie, who was hired by JCM. It is revealed that she is also one of Metal Snake's ex-girlfriends and one of his major informants. The only witness to the crime is NegiSpongie's best friend WWESponge, who watched the crime from the upper balcony of the suite.

Although she has not met Metal Snake, because of NegiSpongie's relationship with him WWESponge will only trust and deal with Metal Snake. However, he is away when she contacts the police about the murders, threatening to run if she does not speak to Metal Snake. Terminoob, the Captain, forces Teenj to impersonate Metal Snake to get WWESponge to cooperate. In order to continue the deception, Teenj and Metal Snake switch lives. Teenj tells his family he is going to SBM for a case, leaving Metal Snake to stay with them. Teenj then moves into Metal Snake's apartment with WWESponge and her dogs nicknamed Randy Orton and John Cena. In WWESponge's presence, Teenj poses as Metal Snake while Metal Snake poses as Teenj.

The investigation proceeds with Metal Snake and Teenj calling in on their old informants, including CDCB, a former chemist who now works at a tire store. Later, WWESponge identifies one of NegiSpongie's killers, Tvfan while looking through mug shots. The two cops then head off to Club Hell, one of his known hangouts. Unbeknownst to them, WWESponge has followed, eager to dish out revenge on NegiSpongie's killers. Her presence alerts the criminals, resulting in Tvfan fleeing. After a brief fight and car chase in brand new Ford Mustangs, Tvfan is killed and his car EXPLODES. The incident is caught on camera by a news helicopter before THE HELICOPTER EXPLODES. The subsequent report is later seen by Teenj's family as their reactions EXPLODE.

Metal Snake and Teenj decide to visit CDCB again. After an aggressive and convincing good cop-bad cop act from Metal Snake and Teenj, CDCB tells them the location of the chemist who is cutting the stolen drugs. After staking out his house, they follow him to where Doogle is hiding the drugs. They return to Metal Snake's apartment with WWESponge, where they are confronted by Teenj' wife, Xtreme Nights, who blows their cover, causing WWESponge to try to run. Doogle and his gang arrive at Metal Snake's apartment and kidnap WWESponge and rig Metal Snake’s apartment TO EXPLODE. Because of this, Internal Affairs reassigns all members of the narcotics division, effectively shutting them down, but Captain Terminoob delays the order to give Metal Snake and Teenj a chance to get WWESponge and the drugs back.

Teenj, Metal Snake, and two other SBC PD members, Ssj and Hasfarr, organize a plan to stop the criminals from killing WWESponge and selling the drugs. A final shoot-out erupts between the group of cops and the drug dealers at an abandoned air field. Teenj is shot in the leg after saving WWESponge from Doogle. Doogle also shoots Metal Snake while escaping the building, which is NOW ON FIRE AND READY TO EXPLODE, but he is rescued by Teenj and WWESponge who left to get Metal Snake's car and leave as THE BUILDING EXPLODES.

The cops and WWESponge chase Doogle's Shelby Cobra AC 427 in Metal Snake's Porsche 911 Turbo and the full car details are fully described just like in any Michael Bay movie. After Teenj bumps him off the road, Doogle crashes, HIS CAR EXPLODES, but Doogle manages to escape the wreckage. Attempting to run, Doogle is shot in the leg by Metal Snake and HIS LEG EXPLODES. Doogle, knowing he is beaten, tries to goad Metal Snake into killing him, which he almost does as revenge for NegiSpongie's murder, until Teenj prevents it. While on the ground and crippled, Doogle then pulls out a concealed weapon and aims at Teenj, but seeing the reflection on his partner's forehead, Metal Snake spins and shoots Doogle numerous times, killing him and DOOGLE EXPLODES.

Later, after Teenj and Metal Snake profess their MUTUAL PLATONIC LOVE EXPLOSION for one another and their relief in surviving the gun fight, Teenj handcuffs WWESponge and Metal Snake's hands together and hobbles away hoping for some much needed "quality time" with his wife. WWESponge and Metal Snake wonder if he has the keys to the handcuffs in AN EXPLOSION OF CONFUSION.

Note: I feel that there could have been more EXPLOSIONS. Maybe that will be saved for the sequel to this episode? If that ever comes. :P

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