SBCinema

[Astro Bot]

Here's my final SBCinema, with a parody more relevant than ever. It's been an honor running the theater for the past two years.

139. Hippocracy

Film: Idiocracy

In 2022, U.S. Army librarian Corporal Hippy is selected for a suspended animation experiment as the “most average” individual in the entire armed forces. Lacking a suitable female candidate, the military hires an artist named Jane by bribing her agent (and secret crypto scammer) Spongybobgod. When the officer in charge, Illiniguy, is arrested for running his own crypto scam ring under Spongybobgod's tutelage, the experiment is forgotten. Over the next five centuries, societal expectations lead the most intelligent humans to choose not to have children while the least intelligent reproduce indiscriminately, creating increasingly dumber generations.

In 2522, Hippy and Jane's suspension chambers are unearthed by the collapse of a mountain-sized garbage pile; Hippy's chamber crashes into the apartment of CDCB. Wandering around what was once Washington, D.C., Hippy finds a population that has become profoundly anti-intellectual speaking only low registers of English and memes, wallowing in overconsumption and crass popular entertainment. Technology is still advanced but often malfunctioning, driven by garish commercialism, cryptocurrency or extreme simplicity, such as healthcare workers handling computer equipment akin to elementary education software. Believing he is hallucinating after a year of hibernation, Hippy enters a hospital and realizes the truth. Arrested for not having an NFT tattoo to pay for his doctor's appointment, he is put on trial (let’s use that loosely), presided by the Honorable Judge JCM in a cameo. Hippy is provided the incompetent and unprepared CDCB as his lawyer, who would make Saul Goodman shake his head. Hippy is then sent to prison.

Jane also leaves her chamber, resuming work as an artist, but soon realizes that people have become so stupid that NFTs are the only artwork they recognize now, thus putting her out of work. Hippy is renamed "Unsure" by a faulty speech-recognition NFT machine and takes a rudimentary IQ test, then tricks a guard by claiming that he is meant to be released, and simply runs out the door, successfully escaping prison. He finds CDCB, who reveals that a “time masheen” exists to return him to 2022, and Hippy bribes him with promises of riches through compound interest on a bank account and Nickelodeon archive he will open for CDCB in the 21st century. Leading Hippy and Jane to the time machine, CDCB takes them into a gigantic Amazon store, where Hippy is identified by a NFT scanner and apprehended.

Taken to the White House, Hippy is appointed Secretary of the Interior, as the IQ test identified him as the most intelligent person alive. President Prez introduces Hippy to the cabinet, and gives him the impossible job of fixing the nationwide food shortages, ludicrously high gas prices, dust bowls, and crippled economy within a week. Hippy discovers that the nation's crops are irrigated with Branade, a “thirst mutilator with a bold new taste" whose parent corporation owns the FDA, FCC, and USDA. When Hippy has the irrigation system replaced with water, Brandade's stock plummets, causing massive layoffs and riots, without any visible agricultural improvement.

Hippy is sentenced to die in a monster truck demolition derby featuring undefeated "rehabilitation officer" Cyanide Fishbone. However, Cyanide's oversized vehicle is crushed trying to enter the arena, and Hippy manages to defeat the other vehicles. Jane and CDCB discover that Hippy's reintroduction of water to the soil has allowed vegetation to grow. Showing the sprouting crops on the stadium's Wumbotron prompts Prez's presidential pardon.

Hippy and Jane decide to stay in the future, although later they discover they had no choice as the "time masheen" CDCB mentioned is merely a childishly inaccurate history-themed amusement ride. Following Prez's term, Hippy is elected president and marries Jane. They conceive the world's three smartest children, while new Vice President CDCB launches Nickstory, a successful archive documenting Nickelodeon’s scheduling to help set history straight. The film ends with Hippy's inaugural speech, where he praises earlier civilizations for their technology and wonders, and expresses hope this society will one day as well.

 

The series finale will be written by Clappy to round everything out, coming soon!

[Clappy]

Fin!

140. SBCinema

Film: The Truman Show

 

Jjs is the unsuspecting star of SBCinema, a parody program filmed 24/7 through thousands of hidden cameras and broadcast to a worldwide audience.  Clappy, the program's creator and executive producer, seeks to capture Jjs's authentic emotions and give audiences a relatable every The Kid.  Jjs has been the star of SBCinema since he was born and Clappy officially adopted him from his Chather.

 

As Jjs was selected from birth, Clappy claims that Jjs came to be adopted not just by the show, but by the whole "world".  Jjs's hometown Community is a complete set built within an enormous dome, populated by forum members, who are actually actors, who highlight the product placements that generate revenue for The Truman Show parody.  Speaking of which, today’s episode is sponsored by NordVPN. Staying safe online is an ever growing difficulty and you could be exploited by hackers. NordVPN allows you to change your IP address, making you harder to track, securing your privacy. Check out the link at the end of this finale to get 20% off for the first two months and thank you to NordVPN for sponsoring this episode.

 

The elaborate set allows Clappy to control almost every aspect of Jjs's life, including the sponsors.  To prevent Jjs from discovering his false reality, Clappy manufactures scenarios that dissuade Jjs's desire for exploration, such as what shows he chooses to binge watch, by constantly broadcasting his opinions and the opinions of his idols like Irate Gamer, Cr1TiKaL, and everyone’s favorite, Douglas Funny Walker.  However, Clappy cannot predict all of Jjs's actions.  During his college years, Jjs was intended to be shipped with WhoBob, but fell for an extra named Kat.

 

Although Kat was quickly removed from The Truman Show parody before she could disclose its nature to Jjs, he continues to remember Kat, and secretly dreams of a life outside the internet walls.  In the real world, Kat is a part of "Free Jjs", an activist group that seeks to cancel the parodies and have Jjs released.

 

As SBCinema approaches its 10th anniversary, Jjs begins discovering unusual elements, such as the emote reactions falling out of the sky in front of his house and a Discord channel that precisely describes his movements.  These events are punctuated by the reappearance of his Chather, who had infiltrated The Truman Show parody, with the crew believing the Chactor was somehow recast.  Jjs begins questioning his life and realizes that the Cinema somehow revolves around him.  WhoBob's stress from attempting to uphold the charade in the face of Jjs's growing skepticism and hostility causes their shipping to deteriorate.

 

One day, Jjs takes WhoBob by surprise by going on an impromptu Jeopardy game, but increasingly implausible emergencies block their way.  During an argument ignited by WhoBob attempting to promote another show for Jjs to watch, Jjs determines that WhoBob is a part of the conspiracy and holds WhoBob at chat point.  WhoBob breaks character and is taken off the film parody.

 

Hoping to bring Jjs back to a controllable state, Clappy re-introduces Jjs's Chather to The Truman Show parody properly, under the guise of having lost her memory after an accident.  This helps the parody regain the views lead with audiences, and Jjs seems to return to his routines, except he begins sleeping in his basement. One night, Jjs secretly disappears through a makeshift tunnel in his basement, forcing Clappy to temporarily suspend the parody for the first time in its history.  Audiences around the world are captivated by this unexpected event, and record numbers login to view the finale.

 

This finale was made possible by audible. Audible is the leading provider of audio books. They have over 180,000 of audio books to choose from. Visit www.audible.com for one free audio book! This is the best place for audio books and I cannot recommend it enough.

 

Clappy orders a community wide search for Jjs and is soon forced to "GIVE IT UP FOR DAY 260" and break the production's day-night cycle to optimize the search.  Clappy discovers Jjs running away from SBC.  He resumes the transmission and, unable to fetch Jjs, creates a violent storm in an attempt to capsize Jjs.  After nearly losing Jjs but failing to break his spirit, Clappy ends the storm.  Jjs continues to run until he hits the wall of the dome between fact and fiction.

 

Initially horrified, Jjs discovers a nearby staircase leading to an exit door.  As Jjs contemplates leaving his world, Clappy speaks directly to Jjs through a speaker system and tries to persuade him to stay, claiming that there is no more truth in the real world than in his artificial one, where he would have nothing to fear.  After a moment of reflection, Jjs says his catchphrase: "welp, back to the old grind clocks out", bows to his audience and logs off. The forum members celebrate his escape, and Kat races to greet him. Clappy's supervisor JCM, in a cameo, finally ends SBCinema on a shot of the open exit door, leaving Clappy to mourn over the truth of his defeat. Jjs's fans—the viewers of SBCinema—cheer upon his successful escape and then, after transmission ceases, ask what happens next.

 

 

 

Epilogue - SBCinema Cast Members: Where Are They Now!?

 

-We of course start off with Jjs, now ending the SBCinema once and controlling his fate for the first time in his life.  He has decided to attend law school and dreams of becoming the next Saul Goodman.

-OWM has taken this opportunity to become a future jedi in training.  Rumor has it that he has now adopted the last name, Skywalker.

-Everyone’s favorite Chather continues to be the most beloved member of this community and hopes that everyone knows how much they love her.   She also becomes a wildly successful artist.

-Fred has become a one million plus subscribed YouTuber with his own series where he talks about retail music playlists…which in this writer’s opinion is a very fascinating topic because he also can’t stand what retailers choose to overplay constantly.

-SBL gets picked up by a major news network and continues to produce the finest newscasting this world has ever seen.  An unnamed high level network executive renames his channel to SBLNN and it becomes the number one rated news network.

-OMJ, now rich from his Deathmatch royalties, purchases ROH from Tony Khan and actually gives its own weekly episodic television series.  He names Luigi Primo, the Pizza Guy, the first Ring of Honor World Heavyweight Championship.

-Trophy sells his cannon…thus beating this ten year dead joke into the ground once and for all.  He uses his cannon money to buyout Kirk Cousins contract, thus fixing the core of the Minnesota Vikings problems and why they will not win a Super Bowl with him at quarterback.

-Katie moves to New Zealand.  Need I say more?

-tvguy, a famous politician, continues to ask Nuggets to get on Skype.  But Nuggets is too busy topping the Billboard Hot 100 with Dinghy Freestyle.

-WhoBob, also now free from the SBCinema, decides to purchase a podcast set from Amazon and launches his own podcast with WhoBro, where they talk about movies and television shows.  The title is appropriately named The WhoCast Show.

-And just like the above, Kylie and Kevin also top the podcast charts with their music takes.  Taylor Swift regularly guest stars.

-Rusty is the new owner of all Tennessee sports franchises.  Although Rusty still can’t fix what is wrong with the University of Tennessee college football program.

-SB&P finally figures out what the eggplant emoji on Discord stands for.

-Wintermelon enters the Pokemon league and is now a league champion with his Level 100 perfect IV Arcanine.

-Jelly starts up a Beatles tribute band with her family.  Their tribute band becomes so big that even Paul McCartney is impressed and Jelly finally gets to meet her idol.

-Fa inherits the Pittsburgh Steelers from the Rooney family.  Fa's first job?  Train Kenny Pickett to be the next great Steelers QB.

-Steel becomes one of the biggest animation YouTubers and launches a GoFundMe to start his own cartoon.  Mr. Enter gets pissed off that more contribute to Steel’s GoFundMe than they did his.

-Sauce continues to live life to the fullest and is now a social media influencer with hundreds of millions of followers.  Rumor has it that the her followers are divided as to whether her eyelashes are real.  

-Danny DeVito has officially signed on to play The Thing in Marvel’s Fantastic Four reboot.

-Wumbo enlisted in the MLB draft and is working his way up the minor league farm systems as a five tool prospect.  The Toronto Blue Jays are going to call him up this weekend.

-Ex’s redemption arch is complete christening it as one of the best arches in SBC history.  As he continues to stay in touch with his friends while also going to making one of the longest running animes, Kamen Rider Kizuna.

-Kieran gets the role as the re-casted Ursula in 2023's live action Little Mermaid movie.

-Aya, revealing himself to be the real Jon Moxley, goes on to win the AEW heavyweight championship this coming Wednesday on Dynamite Grand Slam.

-Terminoob becomes the new head of the DC Extended Universe.  Finally, the 29046^th time is the charm as Warner Bros Discovery merges with NBCUniversal. (This was added in last minute due to the rumors yesterday, holy shit what a trainwreck WBD is now)

-4EverGreen’s next season is Total Cartoon-rama.

-SOF becomes the new head of Nintendo as SOF finds a way to appease all the Nintendo die-hards by doing away with DLC add-ons and releasing fully made games at launch.  For once, Nintendo fans finally are pleased with their semi-annual directs.

-Hawk decides to retire early with all the money he has made from owning all those talking heads out there like Ben Shapiro and Alex Jones.

-PatBack goes on to write his own television series from his own life experiences and ends up winning an Emmy for Most Outstanding Programming.

-Patty being the best graphic artist in the game today, decides to get digitized and finally gets to meet Amy Rose for the first time ever.

-Kat is now a world famous journalist and regularly attends award shows, but despite all the renowned fame and glamor, she still gets weak when around her husband, Charlie Puth.

-Illiniguy now hosts his own Chicago based sports talk show where he has a weekly interview segment with Justin Fields.

-Storm gives Titania her own show on HBO Max while it is still up and running before it becomes a hit on whatever the name of the streaming service will be when it merges with Peacock (I still can’t believe this is happening).

 -Someone finally becomes Somebody.  Thus making this annual reoccurring joke dead.

-After years of keeping the forums alive, Prez is now the head administrator of the SpongeBob Community.  He is rewarded gratefully by Anthony Fantano reviewing Plaid.

-Salmon and Dman team up to run for President of the United States and abolish the two-party system.  Thus leading to the resolution of our political landscape.

-Honest Slug becomes the new lead writer of Family Guy after Season 24.  He finally puts the show out of its misery and gets applauded by the fan base everywhere.

-BobCarotte becomes a professional tennis player and wins the 2023 French Open dethroning the king of the clay, Rafael Nadal.

-Maroon 5 finally break up.

-Teenj succeeds Kevin Feige as the new head of the MCU.  His first action is to reduce the oversaturation and focus on quality instead of quantity and not treating its graphic artists and writers like shit.  The MCU goes back to reliving its glory days once more.

-Omair becomes a famous photographer and even after all these years, he still has a soft spot for Nutella and llamas.

-70s names his first child, Prudence.

-CDCB and CNF meet up and start a weekly episodic television series about classic cartoons and animation.  They go on to have a huge cult following.

-Mythix buys King Neptune and follows through with his Winx Club Jeopardy idea this time.

-Clappy finally wraps up this overlonged epilogue and goes to have a glass of milk and eats brunch.

-And last, but certainly not least. JCM, no longer in a cameo, moves into the leading man role.  He watches over us all and is the hero when SBC needs him to be.  Because sometimes the cameo isn’t good enough.  Sometimes the cameo deserves more.  Because sometimes cameos deserve to have their faith rewarded.  He's the hero SBC deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So, we'll cameo him, because he can take it.  Because he's not our hero.  He’s a silent guardian.  A watchful protector.  The Snark Knight.

[Katniss]

Wonderful work, Clap. Especially a certain cameo

[Danny DeVito]

I am honored to have made one last cameo in SBC's filmography, beautiful ending good sir

I am also honored to take on the role of The Thing in the MCU, and if for some reason it doesn't pan out, I'm suing

[GAYLE]

12 hours ago, Clappy said:

After years of keeping the forums alive, Prez is now the head administrator of the SpongeBob Community.  He is rewarded gratefully by Anthony Fantano reviewing Plaid.

lmao godly

[Old Man Jenkins]

Can’t think of a better movie to send this lit out on (except maybe The Mask). Bravo, braddah, bravo!