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Here's my final SBCinema, with a parody more relevant than ever. It's been an honor running the theater for the past two years.

139. Hippocracy

Film: Idiocracy

In 2022, U.S. Army librarian Corporal Hippy is selected for a suspended animation experiment as the “most average” individual in the entire armed forces. Lacking a suitable female candidate, the military hires an artist named Jane by bribing her agent (and secret crypto scammer) Spongybobgod. When the officer in charge, Illiniguy, is arrested for running his own crypto scam ring under Spongybobgod's tutelage, the experiment is forgotten. Over the next five centuries, societal expectations lead the most intelligent humans to choose not to have children while the least intelligent reproduce indiscriminately, creating increasingly dumber generations.

In 2522, Hippy and Jane's suspension chambers are unearthed by the collapse of a mountain-sized garbage pile; Hippy's chamber crashes into the apartment of CDCB. Wandering around what was once Washington, D.C., Hippy finds a population that has become profoundly anti-intellectual speaking only low registers of English and memes, wallowing in overconsumption and crass popular entertainment. Technology is still advanced but often malfunctioning, driven by garish commercialism, cryptocurrency or extreme simplicity, such as healthcare workers handling computer equipment akin to elementary education software. Believing he is hallucinating after a year of hibernation, Hippy enters a hospital and realizes the truth. Arrested for not having an NFT tattoo to pay for his doctor's appointment, he is put on trial (let’s use that loosely), presided by the Honorable Judge JCM in a cameo. Hippy is provided the incompetent and unprepared CDCB as his lawyer, who would make Saul Goodman shake his head. Hippy is then sent to prison.

Jane also leaves her chamber, resuming work as an artist, but soon realizes that people have become so stupid that NFTs are the only artwork they recognize now, thus putting her out of work. Hippy is renamed "Unsure" by a faulty speech-recognition NFT machine and takes a rudimentary IQ test, then tricks a guard by claiming that he is meant to be released, and simply runs out the door, successfully escaping prison. He finds CDCB, who reveals that a “time masheen” exists to return him to 2022, and Hippy bribes him with promises of riches through compound interest on a bank account and Nickelodeon archive he will open for CDCB in the 21st century. Leading Hippy and Jane to the time machine, CDCB takes them into a gigantic Amazon store, where Hippy is identified by a NFT scanner and apprehended.

Taken to the White House, Hippy is appointed Secretary of the Interior, as the IQ test identified him as the most intelligent person alive. President Prez introduces Hippy to the cabinet, and gives him the impossible job of fixing the nationwide food shortages, ludicrously high gas prices, dust bowls, and crippled economy within a week. 🤔 Hippy discovers that the nation's crops are irrigated with Branade, a “thirst mutilator with a bold new taste" whose parent corporation owns the FDA, FCC, and USDA. When Hippy has the irrigation system replaced with water, Brandade's stock plummets, causing massive layoffs and riots, without any visible agricultural improvement.

Hippy is sentenced to die in a monster truck demolition derby featuring undefeated "rehabilitation officer" Cyanide Fishbone. However, Cyanide's oversized vehicle is crushed trying to enter the arena, and Hippy manages to defeat the other vehicles. Jane and CDCB discover that Hippy's reintroduction of water to the soil has allowed vegetation to grow. Showing the sprouting crops on the stadium's Wumbotron prompts Prez's presidential pardon.

Hippy and Jane decide to stay in the future, although later they discover they had no choice as the "time masheen" CDCB mentioned is merely a childishly inaccurate history-themed amusement ride. Following Prez's term, Hippy is elected president and marries Jane. They conceive the world's three smartest children, while new Vice President CDCB launches Nickstory, a successful archive documenting Nickelodeon’s scheduling to help set history straight. The film ends with Hippy's inaugural speech, where he praises earlier civilizations for their technology and wonders, and expresses hope this society will one day as well.


The series finale will be written by Clappy to round everything out, coming soon!

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