Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)

[Wumbo]

Wow. Holy fucking God, what a year.

 

This year, more than anything, felt HUGE. In the best possible way. Just full of these amazing, wonderful classic 80s tunes. There's really no contest here. There just wasn't this level of great in any of the other 80s years I've covered, and though I'm cautiously optimistic, I doubt '88 or '89 will unseat this as the single best year of the 80s!

Man, do I have a best list for you. Honestly, the question to ask is, is there even a worst list? It's a fair question! Going through this year I definitely found more good songs than bad. At points I honestly wondered if I would have enough songs to righteously make a Bottom 10. It sure wasn't seeming that way!

But... as it always goes, when a year is as good as 1984, at the end of the day, it makes the crap songs stand out all the more. There's only about 15 songs or so on the list I honestly think are bad. But that means we do have a Bottom 10. And it sucks. So here we go, before we unlock the greatness of 1984, let's scrape the scum off the treasure chest with...

Wumbo's Bottom 10 Hits of 1984

Spoiler

 

 

The year is 1984, and new wave is officially no longer this weird alternative genre, but one of the most mainstream genres of the decade. With acts like Duran Duran and Culture Club blowing up the airwaves, it's hard to deny the staying power of new wave at this point. Of course, those are two huge names in music, period. There were, in fact, acts in this genre that didn't stick around. Like this guy!

10. "Break My Stride" - Matthew Wilder

 

This is just a downright ugly mix of new wave and reggae that doesn't belong in 1984, or anywhere, really. I don't have a clue how this reached #5 on the charts. You had so much to pick from! Why this?

What this song reminds me of the most is that stupid pina colada song.

 

Yeah, you know the one. It feels like we've stepped four years into the past and borrowed some awful, stinking 70s cheese, and slathered synth tones over it as though those two things go together. Matt... times are changin'. We don't make music like this anymore. Or if we do, we don't make it as shittily as this.

I expected a lot of things this year, but what I didn't expect was to hear honest-to-god 70s kitsch in 1980-goddamn-four. End this.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Of course, if you want to see the worst new wave of the year that actually sounds like it comes from this year, look no further than Corey freakin' Hart.

9. "Sunglasses at Night" - Corey Hart

 

My god, that chorus. Sounds like a teenager going through an angst phase. "Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades, MOM!!"

This is such an ugly, stupid, pointless song. The mixing on this feels like everything's trying to drown everything else out. It's too loud and jarring. It feels like you're being socked in the face. Not least during that terrible, terrible chorus. For the rest of the song Corey Hart just sounds like Sting with a bad head cold. But then he lets loose on the chorus, and it's easily the most annoying part of this already annoying song. Also, nice guitar riff there.

Yeah, this song can beat it. In a race to the bottom, Corey Hart may be one of the least dignified artists we've ever sent from Canada. Why couldn't you just be happy with Bryan Adams?

 

 

Spoiler

 

In 1984, I have zero patience for songs that just flat out bore me. Sorry.

8. "Hold Me Now" - Thompson Twins

 

This song's tempo has to be in the negative numbers. It is such a slow, plodding song. Even the most dreary of new wave wasn't as boring and as tedious as this. At no point does Tom Bailey sound like he's in love, or that he can carry a tune. The singing on the verses are straight amateur hour. It sounds like he's coming out of dental surgery. And I'd be remiss not to mention the ear-piercing backup vocals on the third chorus that add nothing but migraines.

This, I suppose, is the bridge between older, weirder new wave and newer, more accessible new wave. And in the middle, you get a boring, tedious song that doesn't even have anything interesting lyrically to back it up. The worst of both worlds. A dreadful song that even Mr. Mister would turn off. My mom really likes it though. Sorry Mom.

 

 

Spoiler

 

 

Phil Collins around this time was just starting to really break out into the mainstream. Of course, he had his band Genesis, and the above-linked massive hit "In The Air Tonight", but he wasn't really the household name in adult contemporary that he would be for the next five years or so. He was just too weird at this point, and it would take a big, massive ballad to launch him into the mainstream like that.

And unfortunately, in 1984... he found that song.

7. "Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)" - Phil Collins

 

Look, I'll reiterate what I've said before: I don't really have much hate to put on Phil Collins. I think that if you have to have a soft rock ballad, he's usually one of the best to go to. But this song... god, is it rancid. It never starts up and actually gets powerful, it just gets louder and more overwrought.

This song doesn't feel like a finished idea. I imagine it started with Phil singing over a piano for the entire song, and then someone realized "Wait, we can't do this". So, enter random leftover drums from "In the Air Tonight"! Actually, no. I wish the drums were that powerful. Instead, they sound like someone's first drum lesson. Just all over the place and not remotely fitting the rhythm.

Like I said, this song is a first draft. Maybe if it was punched up it could work, but as it stands, it's a sad, sorry ballad that somehow made the public go "Yes, please! More ballads from this guy!" Thankfully he would at least get better than this. Take a look at him then, not now.

 

 

Spoiler

 

 

I think to understand where I'm coming from with this next pick, you have to understand that I think pretty much all of Paul McCartney's songs from 1980 onward are... kinda shit.

I'm sorry. He's a living legend, but it's the truth. You listen to that song above, without any memory of the artist who recorded it, and if I told you that this was the solo career of a member from one of the biggest bands of all time, you'd think I was joking. Depending on how strong your faith is in the American public, I guess.  But the point remains that Paul McCartney's 80s career was baaaad. So bad, in fact, that the fucking King of Pop himself couldn't save his shitty song.

6. "Say Say Say" - Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson

 

Though give Michael credit, it's not his fault this song sucks. It is his fault he chose to collaborate with Paul McCartney again after the disastrous "doggone girl is mine" song from the year before. But he is by far the best part of the song. He is just trying his damndest to make this limp, toothless piece of music work. But it was never gonna happen. Michael Jackson just plain sounds like he should be in a different song. Which he should.

This is quite possibly the worst thing you could have done with the King of Pop at the time. Just use him to prop up your herky-jerky quicksand pit of a song. All this song does is show Paul McCartney's age and his awkwardness with this entire decade. It must suck to feel like the old man in the pop world, but that's when you don't try for hits anymore. Unless you're collaborating with Kanye and Rihanna. Then it works somehow. This doesn't work, not a second of it. Michael sounds restrained, and Paul just sounds pathetic next to him. That's all I have to say say say about this.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Ugh. I love this year, but this worst list is honestly painful, and not for the reasons you'd think. I don't hate this worst list because the songs are particularly horrendous, nor do I think this year's worst list is hard to write about. No, I am most upset about this worst list because it features a lot of artists who can do so much better than what they gave this year. I mean, I like Phil Collins! I like Paul McCartney. I LOVE Michael Jackson.

And yes... against my better judgment... I like Lionel Richie.

5. "All Night Long (All Night)" - Lionel Richie

 

Oh, and we're not finished yet.

4. "Hello" - Lionel Richie

 

These songs represent the two sides of Lionel Richie that were so very, very wrong in the 80s. "All Night Long" shows he can't do party songs, and "Hello" shows that his ballads are also pretty terrible! And it's like, where do you even go from there?

I don't even want to talk about "All Night Long". It's honestly an even worse "Dancing on the Ceiling". You're not from the Caribbean, Lionel Richie. Can the accent. Jesus, this was better used as a sample on a damn Enrique Iglesias song.

And "Hello"? Lionel Richie is lucky that this video is so god damned ridiculous, otherwise this song would be completely forgotten today. I admit that while the song sucks, I love the hell out of this awful, overwrought, cheesy video. But I guarantee you that the video has eclipsed the song in popularity. The only reason anyone knows this song at all is because of the Lionel Richie stalker narrative, complete with the bust at the end. There's nothing to this song. It's another one of those "tempo-in-reverse" songs, but this time there isn't even any new wave flair to attempt to excite this song. It's just straight ballad, and straight dull.

And I don't think Lionel Richie is a bad artist. Really, I don't! Even this year, he had a country song and I didn't mind it! It didn't blow me away, but it was acceptable enough. But these two songs show that he was more than happy to squander his potential as an artist for the most basic, by-the-numbers pop song templates of all time. And that's beyond depressing. Goodbye.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Of course, if you wanna find someone who does Lionel Richie's sappy ballad thing even worse, look no further than Chicago.

3. "Hard Habit to Break" - Chicago

 

Uuuuuggggghhhhh.

I would normally lump Chicago in with those earlier artists I like, but Chicago has put on so much of a charm offensive over the years I honestly don't find that descriptor accurate anymore. I mean, listen to this. I know Chicago has basically been doing this for almost a decade at this point, but somehow in the 80s it became even worse than it already was. I didn't even think that was possible. But at least with ballads prior, they sounded somewhat authentic and sincere. Here, putting in those 80s synths and drums just sucks away any of the dignity these songs can have.

Peter Cetera is at about his Peter Ceteriest here, and, well, his voice doesn't work with normal ballads. It certainly doesn't work with this kind of instrumentation. I have no idea what they're going for here, with Bill Champlin sharing the vocals. Just shows how much more annoying Cetera's vocals are. But say this for Cetera, at least he's distinctive and not a discount Gene Simmons.

It's just unbelievably corny and cheesy, with those fucking horns trying to tether the band to its original roots. No. You lost the right to those horns a long time ago. Bring 'em back when you're actually gonna use them in conjunction with blistering guitar solos, not this AM E-Z Lite Rock garbage. Fuck this band. All that dignity flushed straight down the toilet. This is one habit I wish they would have broken.

 

 

Spoiler

 

God, I hate when I really dislike a song, and it ends up on this list, and then I look up info about it and the info I find makes me look like a huge asshole for putting it on here. This may be the most egregious example, but... I'm sorry, in 1984 this kind of music just don't jive with me no more.

2. "Think of Laura" - Christopher Cross

 

I mean, I probably could have stood to actually listen to the lyrics here, which allude to Laura's death and memory. And this was dedicated to a real-life person! So, I'm sorry. I'm sure Laura was very nice, and in that context, I have no problem with the tribute. But... good lord, are you listening to this?

Christopher Cross is an artist I've never, ever liked. He just happens to fall into that genre of soft rock that I just can't connect to. It's always been so dour and depressing-sounding to me. But even so, I don't remember his voice being this grating. I mean, Jesus. That chorus. It just numbs me with how bad it sounds. And... I really don't wanna talk about this song anymore. I may hate it, but I've ripped on it enough. C'mon, let's pick an easy target for #1, shall we?

 

 

Spoiler

 

So, in making this worst list for this awesome year, I thought to myself: what artists do we not need in 1984 whatsoever? If there were any artists to bring the quality of the year down singlehandedly, who might they be? We've discussed Lionel Richie and Chicago, both of whom have made songs far from their best in the easy listening-ish genre. But those bands had a history of being good. This band was just getting started in the mainstream. And oh god, if there was a song we did not need in 1984, it was this.

1. "Time Will Reveal" - DeBarge

 

This one is simple to talk about, because it just boils down to one thing: El DeBarge's awful, reedy voice. Look, you think Peter Cetera is grating? Well, he is. He's awful. But my god, this is the kind of awful that you just can't prepare for. You just have to sit back and watch it happen.

I have no idea what he was going for here, or really this whole band. The best I can figure is some ill-conceived Jacksons surrogate. Let's get this straight right away: El DeBarge is no Michael Jackson. I know, it's a controversial take to make. But I have to draw the line somewhere. And I like my singers to... actually sound good.

But more than that, he has no backing. So it's just El DeBarge's piercing vocals with nothing to distract. I can't even focus on anything else in the song because it's so prominent. El DeBarge, man. If 1984 had any bad points, they all fell back on this cheesy, unlistenable aesthetic of soft rock. And El DeBarge may have been the worst example of them all. See you in the best list.

 

 

[Joe Biden]

I'm kind of ashamed to admit that I kinda like 7 and 5. I don't know what it is but there's something about those two songs that keep me from hating it. I agree with your other choices though.

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

Well, there's a good reason I haven't heard of most of these until now.

[4EverGreen]

I've never even HEARD of songs #2 & #1 on the worst list before, so they've GOT to be bad for someone like ME to not even have HEARD of them!  All the other songs, I actually kind of like (even if I'm biased towards the 1980's). So just imagine what the BEST list is going to sound like!  I can't wait! 

[Wumbo]

ARE YOU READY?!

 

Oh, I sure am. 1984 was the year that brought back the 80's to this topic in a big way. A big, big, big way. I already mentioned how the great songs of this year were just eclipsing in their awesomeness. You can't escape them even today, no matter how hard you try. It truly was a dynamite year, not just for the 80s, but in general, too. This may be one of the most significant years for pop music, period, with all these big 80s stars releasing some of the best music of their careers. But I get ahead of myself. Let's start this awesome list off!

Wumbo's Top 10 Hits of 1984

Spoiler

 

Well, what better way to start this list off than a song that encapsulates exactly how I feel right now?

10. "I'm So Excited" - The Pointer Sisters

 

Oh my god, if this song is at my number ten spot, you know we've got a good list ahead. Because this song is just... a miracle. This is one of the danciest songs of the 80s, and that includes both songs from Flashdance.

The Pointer Sisters are not one of the most-remembered acts of the 80s, but this is certainly one of the most-remembered songs of the 80s. And for good reason! It oozes that fun 80s feel, using this almost Hall & Oates-esque orchestration to drive the song along. It's definitely the best Hall & Oates song here this year.

But the real star here is Anita Pointer. This is an absolute fireball of a singing performance, right up there with some of the most powerful, dynamic voices of the 80s. The backing vocals aren't half bad, either. Everything works. It's just a completely fun experience to listen to this song. What a treasure this list is going to be.

 

 

Spoiler

 

People use "over-the-top" frequently as a pejorative, to describe someone who's making a bigger deal out of something than they should be, or feels the need to show off. In my case, usually, over-the-top can be a very good thing when it comes to music, especially in the 80s. Hell, I'd rather have over-the-top than boring. 1984 definitely brought that flavour to its charts, and of all the songs on this list, I couldn't find one more unnecessarily dramatic yet wonderful as this one.

9. "Love is a Battlefield" - Pat Benatar

 

WE ARE YOUNG

This song was actually conceived as a ballad before its release. I literally could not imagine this as a ballad. And that's not to knock Pat Benatar's ability to perform ballads, one of my favourite songs by her falls into that category. But this song? This had to be pumped up with all the 80s guitar and synths you can muster. And it was, and that's why we still love it today.

Christ, the song title is "Love is a BATTLEFIELD". If you're going to make that comparison to love, you'd better have some fire to back it up! And Pat Benatar, as usual, comes through, riding this 80s groove right to the end effortlessly. And of course, because it's the 80s, there's a ridiculous video to back it up.

DANCE BATTLE! We're gonna boogie him out of this... brothel? I have no idea. It's wonderful. Because you need a ridiculous video to complement a ridiculous song. And this video fits the bill. And as always, Pat Benatar is amazing. That's all.

 

 

Spoiler

 

As you might gather, I don't have much use for novelties in music.

 

Songs that only work within a specific context, about a specific pop culture artifact. Those don't do it for me. I prefer my songs to be more relatable and universal. That said, I'm willing to let this one slide. And once you see what it is, you'll know why.

8. "Ghostbusters" - Ray Parker Jr.

 

It is weird as hell to be putting "Ghostbusters" of all things at the top of the hit list of 1984. But you know what? This song fuckin' deserves it. I don't care what it's about, it's just plain fun.

This is a song I got into well before actually seeing the movie. That's the kind of song it is; one that really doesn't need that extra context in order to be good. I mean, I knew of the Ghostbusters, but this song doesn't really hinge on you knowing any more about them than that they... bust ghosts. Maybe there's a line here or there that probably requires knowledge of the full movie to understand, but they don't take away from the enjoyment at all. And that's because this song just has this infectious groove that will not leave your head after hearing it once. It's about that groove, not really about the movie. It's just a funky song about busting some ghosts.

I hate to relegate this man's career to one novelty soundtrack song, but I certainly haven't heard a better Ray Parker Jr. song than this. It's weird to have "Ghostbusters" as your magnum opus, but hey, that's the life of a soundtrack artist. Speaking of which, this song lost the Oscar for Best Original Song to...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwOU3bnuU0k

I love ya Stevie, but "Ghostbusters" should have won this battle all the way. Oh well, still won my heart.

 

 

Spoiler

 

It's... difficult for artists to traverse decades, I'll give 'em that. You want to stay relevant between decades so you have to change your entire sound to do so. It happens. But when artists do this sometimes, they just become a more boring version of their previous selves. And if an artist doesn't survive, you typically don't hear from them again.

That's why this chart success is so... perplexingly wonderful to me.

7. "Owner of a Lonely Heart" - Yes

 

I mean, I guess on some level it makes sense. You just have to admire Yes for being able to survive into the 80s with this one hit. And what a hit it is.

Yes had been progressive rock darlings in the 70s, but they switched up their sound with a new lineup in the 80s. This is definitely a tune tailored to the changing times of the 80s. It may still have those rock elements in there, but this is what happens when you have to change with the times. But to be fair, Yes kept their rock edge and honestly wound up sounding more accessible than they had their entire careers. Not as though prog rock was meant to be accessible, but you get me.

You can probably thank the guy from The Buggles for this ever getting big at all. Trevor Horn heard the demo and basically punched it up with all these weird, earwormy oddities that just fit the 80s aesthetic. Video may have killed the radio star, but Trevor Horn probably saved this song. And it's a good thing he did.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Oh, ballads. Sweet, sappy ballads.

 

I'm starting to sound like a broken record with this, but slow ballad type music has never been my go-to. I just like my music to pump me up for the most part, rather than slow me down. That's not to say that there aren't slow ballads I like! I like this song above, and I liked a fair number of ballads this year. Now, did any of them make my Top 10? Well, that's a tall order. But I can safely say that yes, even in this fantastic year, one of those ballads was good enough for my top 10. In fact, it might be my favourite song by this singer, period.

6. "Time After Time" - Cyndi Lauper

 

Cyndi Lauper is just a goddess among singers. She's gained notoriety as one of the most inclusive and nicest people in the business. Just a stand-up gal to be around. It helps that her songs are almost always on point. And who would have thought that the love ballad would win out over the crowd favourite "Girls Just Want To Have Fun"? Well, that's the way it worked out. I legitimately consider this Cyndi Lauper's best song. Fight me.

It's just so... packed with emotion, exactly the way a good ballad should work. Cyndi Lauper feels every syllable she sings. It's such a sweet, peaceful song. When it gets to that point at the end where she's reduced to whispers, I get chills. And now you can see why I hate the 1998 version so much after listening to this one. There's literally no comparison. Cyndi Lauper tapped into her emotions and the cover just sapped it all away for a shameless ride along. "808's on time." Blow me.

But we're not talking about 1998. We're talking about '84, and what a year it was to have such a great ballad top the charts. The success was well-deserved. Cyndi Lauper gives it her all, and it shows. Fantastic song.

 

 

Spoiler

 

So, in my commentary for my 1985 list, I made a pretty damning statement...

"The Power of Love": Sooo close. So freakin' close. Unfortunately, if this Huey Lewis song couldn't make it to the Top 10, I doubt any will.

Yeah. Let's just say, I've never been more happy to be proven wrong.

5. "I Want a New Drug" - Huey Lewis and the News

 

God, I forgot all about this song! I certainly didn't expect it to be that big of a hit that I would ever cover it. But I'm so happy I get a chance to, because in my opinion, this is the best song this band has ever released.

I feel like I really don't have to say much to supplement this. Huey Lewis is awesome. This song is awesome. I realize I've shafted Huey Lewis a lot of times from making my list, but here he and his News totally deserve it. There's just something so uniquely homogenous about Huey Lewis. That doesn't sound like a compliment, I realize, but this is music for everyone.

I can't imagine anyone disliking this. It's just so relentlessly peppy and happy, but is also grounded in Huey Lewis's gravelly, rough voice that also carries such power. I love the song. It gets me going every time. And it also sounds a lot like "Ghostbusters"... so much so that Huey Lewis became Suey Lewis and slapped Ray Parker Jr. with copyright infringement. The similarities are there, but y'know, all music comes from somewhere, and at the end of the day, both songs still rule. This one a little more so because being in euphoric love is more relatable than busting ghosts, but both stand the tests of time. No need to fight when we can just have both songs and be happy about it! But yeah, Huey might have gotten ripped off. It happens.

 

 

Spoiler

 

I've said numerous times that I respect Bruce Springsteen's music more than I actually enjoy it. There's nothing bad about Bruce Springsteen, obviously. He's a fantastic lyricist and he has a knack for tapping into the heartland rock he's best known for. It's just not typically music I would see myself coming back to or remembering very well. It's usually a bit too slow and mellow, typically those songs don't have as much replay value for me as others.

Now, in 1984, he had one of his biggest hits ever, and it's quite possibly my favourite Springsteen song. Am I a sheep? Maybe. But I dare you to tell me this song isn't great.

4. "Dancing in the Dark" - Bruce Springsteen

 

Now here's just an awesome 80s tune from an awesome dude. His lyrics still deliver poignant messages of listlessness and dissatisfaction, but backed with a wicked 80s groove. And it's not too far removed from some of his other big hits, either! Okay, maybe "Born to Run" is my favourite Springsteen song. But regardless, you see that the theatrical, powerhouse music fits him well.

That is a killer hook. The entire song really just lodges in your brain. It's a toe-tapper. And it really does a lot to show off Bruce Springsteen's big voice. Some people may see it as just a silly pop song, but I think it's a masterful piece of work. It's fast, it's fun, but it's still unmistakably Springsteen. And this is exactly the kind of spark you need to start a massive fireball of a song.

 

 

Spoiler

 

You ever have a song so awesome that it breaks up your band? Well, you're probably not in a band, so you can't say. But for Van Halen, it was "Jump".

3. "Jump" - Van Halen

 

Yeah, the 80s were certainly cruel for some bands, and Van Halen was one of them. Eddie wanted to continue with the times, Roth didn't, they split up soon after this album. And then came... *shudder* the Hagar years.

 

I just don't like this guy's voice, I'm sorry. But hey! We're talking about Van Halen now, not Van Hagar. What were Van Halen doing at the time?

Well, they were in the middle of their commercial peak, and "Jump" was right up there as their only #1 hit to date. and for good reason! Van Halen, despite creative differences within the band, ushered themselves right in to this era, flashy glamorous metal and all. You can probably thank them for all the pretty boys to come soon afterwards later in the decade.

And "Jump" is just a monstrous, relentlessly fun song. The guitar may be sharing the stage with synths, but it's still got that Van Halen charm of just being off-the-wall goofy and flamboyant. I love Van Halen, and this song proved that if they could resolve their internal differences, the band could have stood the test of time for the entire decade.

I mean, I guess they did. But... Sammy Hagar? Really?

 

 

Spoiler

 

God. I love Prince so much, and I wish "Purple Rain" got the notoriety on this chart that it deserved.

 

It is god damned ridiculous to me that Prince's "Purple Rain" did not make the year-end. That should have been the year when Billboard realized that maybe their ranking system for hits was slightly flawed, and they should have changed it. "Purple Rain" is just a monster of a song, quite possibly one of the best songs of the decade. No, I don't think I'm exaggerating. You want a ballad, here's your fuckin' ballad.

Sorry, what was I supposed to be talking about? Oh yeah! Thankfully, Prince did actually have songs that charted. And despite "Purple Rain" not making the list, I think it's safe to say that this one ruling the year was an acceptable choice.

2. "When Doves Cry" - Prince

 

I don't think this song even needs an introduction. But hey, I didn't really introduce it that well anyway, rather using the space provided to gush about another Prince song. That's how good Prince was; I can't pick which song I should be focusing on. Probably the one actually on my list. Yeah, let's go with that.

Prince's Purple Rain (the album this time, not the song) was a monster hit, and quite probably the best album of the 80's. so it's no surprise that this song is ranked so high. Why not #1? Well... we'll get to it. But for now, let's just focus on how great this song is. First off, that fucking guitar lick.

Well, don't I feel like the big man now, cutting Prince clips and using them as my own. But yeah, that guitar. Captivating. Instantly, you're hooked on this song. No question. The song is so weirdly constructed, actually. With no bassline, this idea could have tanked. But Prince sells it. It goes all the way with that beat and melody. You'd think it would get old, but it doesn't. such is the magic of this wonderful, wonderful man.

Prince was such a captivating performer and the stage loved him. Every second of his songs, you could feel the intensity and passion of his lyrics. Prince was a god among men, and as I've said before, we are poorer having lost him. The Weeknd may be trying to replace Michael, but even he should know he could never hope to replace Prince. And that's what it sounds like when doves cry.

 

 

Spoiler

 

*sigh* I feel kinda bad. This was Prince's year to get on the #1 spot. His best-selling album, and "When Doves Cry" could only reach #2 on my list. "Kiss" couldn't do it. "Little Red Corvette" couldn't make it. Maybe "Purple Rain" could, but, well, we've already talked about that. So... let's take a look at my #1 song, by the only artist that could have possibly eclipsed Prince this year.

Prince and The Revolution!

1. "Let's Go Crazy" - Prince and The Revolution

 

Actually, it's weird that "When Doves Cry" is credited only to Prince, when I'm pretty sure The Revolution worked on that full album. But whatever, I don't care, Prince finally got to the top! And it is well, well deserved for this song.

I *love* "When Doves Cry". I think it's a masterpiece of a song. But "Let's Go Crazy" is one of my favourite songs, period. It is quite possibly one of the most uplifting, soulful songs I've ever heard. Every time I hear it, it manages to get me in a better mood than I already was. If I listened to this on my wedding day, I think I might, like, explode from happiness or something.

Prince basically owned this already-stellar year. Like I said, Purple Rain definitely ranks up there for me as one of the best, if not the best, albums of the '80s. And I'm not sure many would pick this as their favourite song from the album. But I would! Well, maybe tie it with "Purple Rain". Like I said, Prince ruled the year.

Everything about this song. You can just feel the good vibes coming off of it. It is an indisputable party jam about having a good time in the face of uncertainty and the fear of what comes after this world. I feel every word of this song. It is my go-to party jam. And not even an elevator could bring me down from the high this song gives me. Prince: the perfect artist to cap off a retrospective of a perfect year for pop music. Go crazy.

 

 

Full List of pure '80s goodness:

Spoiler

 

1. "Let's Go Crazy" - Prince and The Revolution

2. "When Doves Cry" - Prince

3. "Jump" - Van Halen

4. "Dancing in the Dark" - Bruce Springsteen

5. "I Want a New Drug" - Huey Lewis and the News

6. "Time After Time" - Cyndi Lauper

7. "Owner of a Lonely Heart" - Yes

8. "Ghostbusters" - Ray Parker Jr.

9. "Love is a Battlefield" - Pat Benatar

10. "I'm So Excited" - The Pointer Sisters

11. "The Reflex" - Duran Duran

12. "Self Control" - Laura Branigan

13. "Oh Sherrie" - Steve Perry

14. "Jump (For My Love)" - The Pointer Sisters

15. "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" - Cyndi Lauper

16. "Somebody's Watching Me" - Rockwell

17. "Missing You" - John Waite

18. "Thriller" - Michael Jackson

19."What's Love Got to Do with It" - Tina Turner

20. "Holiday" - Madonna

21. "She Bop" - Cyndi Lauper

22. "The Glamorous Life" - Sheila E.

23. "Borderline" - Madonna

24. "The Warrior" - Scandal

25. "You Might Think" - The Cars

26. "Lucky Star" - Madonna

27. "Uptown Girl" - Billy Joel

28. "Tonight" - Kool & the Gang

29. "Legs" - ZZ Top

30. "Automatic" - The Pointer Sisters

31. "Drive" - The Cars

32. "Round and Round" - Ratt

33. "Head over Heels" - The Go-Go's

34. "The Longest Time" - Billy Joel

35. "Nobody Told Me" - John Lennon

36. "Breakin'... There's No Stopping Us" - Ollie & Jerry

37. "Here Comes the Rain Again" - Eurythmics

38. "Magic" - The Cars

39. "Eyes Without a Face" - Billy Idol

40. "Pink Houses" - John Cougar Mellencamp

41. "On the Dark Side" - John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band

42. "Let the Music Play" - Shannon

43. "I Still Can't Get Over Loving You" - Ray Parker Jr.

44. "Dance Hall Days" - Wang Chung

45. "Cum on Feel the Noize" - Quiet Riot

46. "Footloose" - Kenny Loggins

47. "Adult Education" - Hall & Oates

48. "Rock Me Tonite" - Billy Squier

49. "State of Shock" - The Jacksons

50. "Twist of Fate" - Olivia Newton-John

51. "An Innocent Man" - Billy Joel

52. "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues" - Elton John

53. "Major Tom (Coming Home)" - Peter Schilling

54. "When You Close Your Eyes" - Night Ranger

55. "The Heart of Rock & Roll" - Huey Lewis and the News

56. "Breakdance" - Irene Cara

57. "Cruel Summer" - Bananarama

58. "Wrapped Around Your Finger" - The Police

59. "New Moon on Monday" - Duran Duran

60. "Sister Christian" - Night Ranger

61. "Give It Up" - KC & the Sunshine Band

62. "Cover Me" - Bruce Springsteen

63. "Infatuation" - Rod Stewart

64. "Almost Paradise" - Mike Reno and Ann Wilson

65. "Stuck on You" - Lionel Richie

66. "If This Is It" - Huey Lewis and the News

67. "Church of the Poison Mind" - Culture Club

68. "Let's Hear It for the Boy" - Deniece Williams

69. "Union of the Snake" - Duran Duran

70. "Say It Isn't So" - Hall & Oates

71. "Yah Mo B There" - James Ingram and Michael McDonald

72. "Dancing in the Sheets" - Shalamar

73. "Love Somebody" - Rick Springfield

74. "Talking in Your Sleep" - The Romantics

75. "Undercover of the Night" - The Rolling Stones

76. "They Don't Know" - Tracey Ullman

77. "Running with the Night" - Lionel Richie

78. "Sad Songs (Say So Much)" - Elton John

79. "Caribbean Queen" - Billy Ocean

80. "That's All" - Genesis

81. "Islands in the Stream" - Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton

82. "I Can Dream About You" - Dan Hartman

83. "99 Luftballons" - Nena

84. "To All the Girls I've Loved Before" - Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson

85. "Got a Hold on Me" - Christine McVie

86. "Miss Me Blind" - Culture Club

87. "Joanna" - Kool & The Gang

88. "Karma Chameleon" - Culture Club

89. "I Just Called to Say I Love You" - Stevie Wonder

90. "If Ever You're in My Arms Again" - Peabo Bryson

91. "Break My Stride" - Matthew Wilder

92. "Sunglasses at Night" - Corey Hart

93. "Hold Me Now" - Thompson Twins

94. "Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)" - Phil Collins

95. "Say Say Say" - Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson

96. "All Night Long (All Night)" - Lionel Richie

97. "Hello" - Lionel Richie

98. "Hard Habit to Break" - Chicago

99. "Think of Laura" - Christopher Cross

100. "Time Will Reveal" - DeBarge

 

 

[Joe Biden]

All of these songs are fucking awesome, good thing I didn't get to sleep yet or else I would've missed on commenting on this list

 

Thoughts on:

Karma Chameleon

99 Luftballoons

Magic

That's All

Round and Round

Dance Hall Days

Footloose

Somebody's Watching Me

Sister Christian

Uptown Girl

 

And I'll let the others take it away from there.

 

Spoiler

Also, I totally agree on you with Let's Go Crazy being the best song from Purple Rain (Hell, my favorite Prince song in general.), thank god that's your #1.

 

Edited March 25, 2018 by Turd Ferguson
HOW COULD I FORGET RATT

[Katniss]

Thoughts on:

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Thriller

Holiday

Lucky Star

 

[Steel Sponge]

Yet another couple of solid lists. For your bottom 10, I'll admit having a spot for 10 and 7, while I'll also admit that I regret not putting "Time Will Reveal" as my #1 worst (which was usually because there wasn't as much I could say against it at that time). For your top 10, I agree with everything on there...except "Owner of a Lonely Heart," which I'm still divisive towards, I'm sorry.

And because I need to get my request line out of the way before anything else gets taken...:

You Might Think
Drive
Self Control
Church of the Poison Mind
Caribbean Queen
I Just Called to Say I Love You
Cruel Summer
The Reflex
Rock Me Tonite

[4EverGreen]

There were literally like only TEN songs in that whole list that I had never heard of! Everything else (in my books) was a HIT!!!! Since I have to pick just fifteen maximum, I'll pick these ones.

"Undercover of the Night; Talking in Your Sleep; Say it Isn't So; Union of the Snake; New Moon on Monday; Wrapped Around Your Finger; Sad Songs (Say so Much); Dancing in the Sheets; Almost Paradise; Infatuation; State of Shock; The Heart of Rock and Roll; I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues; Adult Education;" and "Pink Houses". Take as much time as you need to in your response.

[Wumbo]

Well, here we go!

"Karma Chameleon": I just... don't like Culture Club. Not even this song. I find Boy George to be an insufferable presence as a lead singer. Thank god George Michael came to wash his star away.

"99 Luftballons": I'm not sure I get this song, really. I mean, I get what it's about. But I don't get the musical choices here. I guess the chipper sound of it all is supposed to be ironic? I dunno. This song has never resonated with me. Gimme "Zombie" any day of the week.

"Magic": This is just a cute little song. I've heard The Cars do better, but this is fine.

"That's All": I don't hate this song (despite my low placement of it, that's how good the year was, y'all) but more and more I find myself thinking Genesis' quirks are more annoying than anything.

"If This Is It": Huey Lewis and the News have never released a bad song in their careers. As such, nothing wrong with this one, either. A bit bland, but I'll take it.

"Round and Round": Okay, first off, did I imagine Fred requesting that Huey Lewis song? Anyway, "Round and Round" is damn great. Exactly the cheese I need from 80s hair metal.

"Dance Hall Days": See, now this is just a fun song without feeling the need to dive into head-on stupidity. Wish they kept up these sensibilities come 1987, but hey.

"Footloose": A bit corny, but catchy enough to save that.

"Somebody's Watching Me": Deliciously creepy song that, yes, I find myself coming back to more often than "Thriller". And I love "Thriller", I do. But if we're really going to tap into the unfounded fears of the common man, I think it actually works better if the frontman has no talent whatsoever. Of course, Michael Jackson's part and the production help the song to actually sound good on top of that.

"Sister Christian": This is okay. It's never really a song I come back to, but as hair metal ballads go it's got the bombast it needs.

"Uptown Girl": Billy Joel has consistently ridden that line of being a dependable songwriter. I haven't really heard a bad song from the guy (I mean, except that one), and when you pair his knack for songwriting with an incessantly catchy melody, you have yourself a damn great song.

"Girls Just Want To Have Fun": I love this song a lot. Apparently it had really misogynistic lyrics before Cyndi Lauper changed them. Thank god, because the only way this song works is with the autonomous perspective. Damn great party pop song for a girls' night out. Love Cyndi Lauper to death.

"Thriller": What can I even say at this point? This is such a pop culture icon it kind of eclipses any sort of criticism or commentary. I will say that the song does hold up, even without the video. Michael just gives it his all in this performance; the conviction keeps the concept from being too corny.

"Holiday": Another fun party song. Madonna really had a great year in 1984 with just some quality pop songs.

"Lucky Star": Case in point. Really not much to say here except damn great pop song.

"You Might Think": This ended up being my favourite Cars song of the year. It's fun with a tight groove and melody, what more could you want?

"Drive": Oh, but I do love this song too. One of those great 80s ballads that just feels larger than life. Benjamin Orr really was the heart and soul of this band.

"Self Control": I was surprised by just how much I love this song. 1984, as I said, seemed to have a lot of larger than life tunes, and this one fits the bill. It's over-the-top in the best possible way. Love it.

"Church of the Poison Mind": This is probably my "favourite" Culture Club song, in that I don't find it insufferable. Honestly, I might even say I like this song on a good day.

"Caribbean Queen": Oh, Billy Ocean. Your little song really couldn't stand a chance on this chart. It's not even that it's bad, it's that everything else was so much better.

"I Just Called to Say I Love You": Again, Stevie, I love ya man. But even you must have known you didn't deserve that Oscar for this. If "Ebony and Ivory" didn't exist, this would be by a pretty large margin Stevie Wonder's worst song. Also, the tune in which he's singing on the verses reminds me way too much of Creed's "With Arms Wide Open". That is never a good thing.

"Cruel Summer": It's a good song. I prefer "Venus", though.

"The Reflex": Duran Duran take their annoying traits and put them against one of their best grooves yet, and it just plain works. This song is a burst of energy, and I do love it. Unfortunately, it just missed my Top 10. With "Rio" failing to make '83's year end, it looks as though my Top 10s will be Duranless.

"Rock Me Tonite": I love the way Billy Squier throws himself haphazardly into this song...and that's to say nothing of the video. Man, what a disaster that was. In the 80s, you could be a pretty boy just so long as, y'know, you weren't too flamboyant about it. And Billy Squier prancing around like Richard Simmons pretty much destroyed his image. I'm not saying it was right, but it was the 80s and people were staunchly homophobic. Kind of a shame, really, as I would have liked to see where his career went from this song.

"Undercover of the Night": Not the Stones' best by a long shot, but hey, I'll take anything that isn't "Emotional Rescue".

"Talking in Your Sleep": This song has a nice groove, but it's... also kinda icky. I can only picture some creepo sitting outside this girl's window with a radio placed right by her bedside to hear her sleep talking.But hey, it does have that groove, so it's not all bad... right?

"Say It Isn't So": Hall & Oates were not my favourites of this year, but this song isn't really bad. Just kinda... there.

"Union of the Snake": What even the hell is this song? See, this is what I mean when I talk about Duran Duran's annoying traits. They seemed to really want to tap into the weirdness of new wave while maintaining their image, and it comes off as very phony and forced. I don't know, looking back, this should have been much lower.

"New Moon on Monday": See, this is perfectly inoffensive Duran Duran. Nothing wrong with it.

"Wrapped Around Your Finger": I'd definitely call this a lesser Police song, but I love The Police so even a lesser song by their standards is still decent.

"Sad Songs (Say So Much)": You can be as earnest as you want, Elton John, but it's not gonna do much for you in this year when it comes to my lists.

"Dancing in the Sheets": CALLING OUT AROUND THE- wait, wrong song? 

"Almost Paradise": Ann Wilson basically carries this song. I'm not sure why they got the lead singer of Loverboy of all people to do a ballad duet, but there ya have it.

"Infatuation": Relatively inoffensive Rod Stewart. I'll take it.

"State of Shock": The Jacksons prove to still have staying power even after Michael's breakout.

"The Heart of Rock & Roll": Again, it's Huey Lewis. You think you're gonna catch me saying I hate Huey Lewis? Dream on, man.

"I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues": I like this a fair bit more than Elton John's other song this year. It's certainly more memorable.

"Adult Education": I really don't have a clue what Hall & Oates are going for half the time, but that's when their music is so captivating all the same.

"Pink Houses": This is a weird song to be in 1984, the year of synths and new wave. But it's also a welcome break from all that, and a pretty nice song in its own right.

[Joe Biden]

5 hours ago, Wumbo said:

Okay, first off, did I imagine Fred requesting that Huey Lewis song?

For the record, I did, but I forgot that "Round and Round" charted that year and I didn't want to break my 10 song limit so I replaced it with that.

[SG19]

You don't like Culture Club? Guess we'll have to agree to disagree there.

[Wumbo]

Okay, now that the Worst Day of the Internet, AKA April Fool's, is over, I can reveal my new year proper without having to play the game.

So, lately, I've been getting comments (mostly from Steel) about how my years covered thus far have included almost no years ending in "9". And it's true, it is a weird phenomenon! So far, the only year I've covered ending in "9" has been 1959, and that was of my own volition before I used the RNG. Weird stuff, huh?

So, in the interest of breaking the "9" drought, here we are with the first "9" year the RNG has chosen for me. Fitting that it's also in my favourite decade, I suppose.

1979

I guess the only question here is: will anything beat The Knack for the top spot? Tune in later this month to find out!

[Joe Biden]

i'll be awaiting the smashing pumpkin jokes now

 

In all seriousness, I can't wait. Hard to believe that you're almost done with the '70s.

[Clappy]

Enjoy covering 1979 man.  That was easily the best year I’ve covered so far.

[4EverGreen]

Bunch of disco in the year 1979. Although I think there was also Blondie, The Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, and Michael Jackson SHOULD be representing for this year! (If he isn't, than I would OFFICIALLY not TRUST the Billboard 100 Music list ANYMORE!)  Enough said!

[Wumbo]

So, we've returned to a familiar decade in this series. So familiar, in fact, that after this there's only one year left in this decade to cover. The RNG loves it and so do I. It's the 70s, y'all!

 

Oh God, how I love thee, 70s music. You never fail to impress me with your sheer level of quality across the board. I have said time and time again how much this decade soars above the others, but it's also worth noting just how many styles and genres the 70s traversed over the decade. For example, this was a heavy year for disco. The middle child between the funk of the 70s and the dance music of the 80s. I definitely consider myself a fan of this music, as I do with a lot of dance music. And this decade was full of it! So, as I just asked last list, is there even a bad list? Well, as I've always said, when the good stuff is real good, it makes the bad stuff stand out all the more. And you know what we have to do first. Let's get it over with.

Wumbo's Bottom 10 Hits of 1979

Spoiler

 

 

I kind of gave Ray Parker Jr. a pass for this song in 1984. It wasn't exactly bad. It had that creepy, Police-ish vibe in the lyrics, but I assumed that's what he was going for. In the midst of all his songs, one slightly offbeat song about  creepy, unrequited love is acceptable.

Two, on the other hand, is not.

10. "You Can't Change That" - Raydio

 

I have to draw the line somewhere. The Police could pull this sort of thing off because the majority of their catalog is creepy and unsettling to some degree. Raydio and Ray Parker Jr. are not those kinds of artists. I mean, I'm sure the creepiness of the lyrics in this song is intentional. At least, I hope so. But it's presented so poorly that I can only see it as being dangerous. It's presented as this bro-y R&B jam which doesn't work for the song's content at all.

I mean, I want to believe that they understand how awful this song's content is. But every time I hear that, my belief shrinks, because the song is just so... blissfully unaware of how creepy it really is. Blech. It just leaves me feeling icky inside. We really don't need any more songs like this, especially if they're not presented with a hint of nuance or subversion. I'd definitely be inclined to change the station on this Raydio.

 

 

Spoiler

 

You know, I like to think that over the years I've built up a tolerance to sappy, pointless ballads. But that's really not true. They still get under my skin, especially if they're as blandly awful as this.

9. "Don't Cry Out Loud" - Melissa Manchester

 

This is baaad. This is really, really fucking bad. I don't even know what to say here.

This is a cover of the original version by The Moments a few years earlier. and while that version isn't exactly great either (I think the song's dead on arrival honestly) at least it had elements of soulfulness to it. Melissa Manchester goes through the verses on this half-whispery tone that does nothing for me at all. And when she belts on the chorus, I just don't feel it.

And look, I said the song was dead on arrival and it is. These lyrics are just crap. I don't care if you're not supposed to take them at face value. If you are, it's terrible advice, and if you're not, then the song is fucking pointless. Cry your heart out if you want to. Especially if you're listening to terrible music from a decade that you love. *sniff* It's heartbreaking.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Can I... make a suggestion for a second here? Maybe the Bee Gees were... a tad overrated...

 

Oh come on, come on, sit down. All right. Certainly they have their fair share of good songs, like "Stayin' Alive", and "Night Fever", and... um... "Stayin' Alive", but I just can't get into a lot of their stuff like I'm apparently supposed to as a disco fan. I think a lot of it has to do with Barry Gibb's voice; he can hit those high notes, for sure, but his nasal tone just kills any resonance a song of his may have for me. So their slow songs usually do absolutely nothing for me, and here's one of them.

8. "Too Much Heaven" - Bee Gees

 

This is apparently what the public wanted with the Bee Gees after "Stayin' Alive", and if you're a Bee Gees fan, I guess I can see the appeal. But god damn, Barry Gibb's voice. I really don't understand how he got a complete pass in the music world. Sure, it's impressive, but it's grating.

But more than that, this song is just boring. I don't want to talk about it, because I don't have anything to say about it. It's so slow and sappy. I just don't have the patience to listen to it. It feels like it goes on for hours. If you're going to write a song like this, keep it brief. Jesus.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Now this... this right here is an affront to human dignity.

7. "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" - Rod Stewart

 

No, Rod Stewart. No I don't. Actually, I don't really even understand what you're asking. This is literally the first moment I learned that the song is actually called "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy". That's... stupid, but I wish it were the worst part of this song.

Okay, so I used a Simpsons clip before showing Ned Flanders doing his own version of this song. Here, let me find it again for you:

 

I legitimately think this version is sexier than whatever Rod Stewart is doing here. I'll be straight with you: I've never enjoyed Rod Stewart's voice. He needs to have a good melody behind him to back up his sandpaper singing. Like "Young Turks", that's a good song by him.

 

Nice, bouncy 80s melody. This song, however, is Rod Stewart trying on disco as a costume and utterly failing. He has never sounded older and more out of touch than he has here. And that's really sad. There's nothing to this song, except an admittedly catchy synth riff, which is lifted from another song. So just go listen to that and let Rod Stewart continue his delusions alone.

 

 

Spoiler

 

6. "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" - Neil Diamond & Barbra Streisand

 

God damn it. God fucking damn it. Here we go again. Two artists who are way more talented than I'm giving them credit for, appearing on a worst list of mine. And maybe this song isn't that bad. But I just have no use for this music. It's technically perfect sounding, but Streisand and Diamond have never been my favourite performers, as you probably know. And I don't feel anything from this song. Sorry. On to the next one.

 

 

Spoiler

 

 

What a fucking stupid, ridiculous time in music history the "disco demolition night" was. Like I said, I enjoy disco music, so I disagree with this based on music preference alone. But even if we were doing this with some reprehensible genre like bro-country, I'd be going "Come on, guys. Isn't this a bit much?"

Anyway, the late 70s' affinity for disco is also when the disco backlash started becoming fully known publicly. And, well, if you didn't like disco, the late 70s was admittedly not a good time for you. Basically every #1 hit in that year up until "My Sharona" had at least some level of disco influence to it.

But I'd argue that while the airwaves may have seemed overstuffed with disco at the time, it was ultimately a necessary evil. Because if you didn't have disco or "My Sharona" topping the charts... you had this.

5. "Sad Eyes" - Robert John

 

Yeah. I doubt even the staunchest of "disco sucks" screamers were defending this. I bet they were scrambling to their telephones to call their airwaves, saying "Bring back Bee Gees! BRING BACK BEE GEES!"

Good lord, what is this shit? This sounds like if Styx's worst songs and REO Speedwagon's worst songs had babies together. It's got that awful, bland, lifeless quality to it that I just can't say anything about. I hate these fucking songs. They suck and they give me no material. Even the guy's name is boring. "Robert John". No one with that name should be famous. Although this is exactly the type of song someone named "Robert John" would record. Good lord. If 1979 didn't have so much personality, this song would actively suck it away from surrounding songs. What a bland piece of shit.

 

 

Spoiler

 

*sigh*

This is definitely the hardest part of this list for me. Because I have to talk about an artist I really like on here. Not only that, but it's an artist whom I haven't put on a best list yet. He's come close a few times, but he's never gotten there. And it's a shame that his first appearance on one of my lists is on a worst list, but if I'm keeping it honest, that's the way it needs to be.

So, without further ado... let's talk about my least favourite Billy Joel song.

4. "My Life" - Billy Joel

 

I just... could never stand this song. Is it a bad song? I really don't think so, I don't know if Billy Joel is capable of making a bad song. But there's a certain attitude this song gives off. And I'm not sure what it is, because Billy Joel has certainly had more arrogant songs. But this one seems the most tonally dissonant. I don't like the upbeat nature of this song coupled with the haughty nature of some of these lyrics. This is Billy Joel's least justified song to write lyrics this way.

And it's always thrown me off. So yeah, send the hate mail my way. But even though I love the guy, I could never get behind this song. Sorry. Hopefully he had some chart success in '78, that previous album was really good. Ugh.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Every time I hear a new single from this band they get more and more perplexing to me.

3. "Sharing the Night Together" - Dr. Hook & The Medicine Show

 

Okay, seriously: aren't these guys supposed to be a joke band? Why are so many of their songs like this? What is this proto-pina-colada shit?

Maybe they were never a joke band. Maybe they always just sucked. This song certainly shows proof of that. The singing on this is awful. There's no passion or life in these vocals, and it's got this awful tone that makes everything worse. At the very least, this piece of shit is mercifully short, but I still think it's about five minutes too long. Hopefully after this I can wash my hands clean of these guys for good. Just terrible.

 

 

Spoiler

 

2. "Just When I Needed You Most" - Randy VanWarmer

 

Nope, I'm not touching this one. It's just more stupid soft rock garbage that I have no patience for anymore. I'm so tired of this list. On to #1.

 

 

Spoiler

 

This list has been one of the most difficult to write about, as you can plainly see. Not only were these bad songs bad, they were the kind of bad that I find exceptionally hard to talk about: wastes of time. Whether they were boring or annoying, I felt absolutely no sense of joy listening to these: only dread. And it feels only fair to me to end with the most dreadful song on this list.

1. "Ring My Bell" - Anita Ward

 

It all just boils down to one thing for me here: I hate this singer's voice. It's like she's hepped up on helium and the chorus just brings her ear-piercing voice to eleven, which does the song no favours. The production sounds so chintzy too, it sounds like you could have won it in a gumball machine.

It doesn't help that this song comes out at a time when disco was at an all-time peak. This awful song most decidedly sits at the incompetent kids' table. Bad bad stuff. It's like I'm being punched in the sides of my head. Everything about this is wrong, and even in the time of disco, this still had absolutely no reason to get as big as it did. Keep this bell un-rung.

 

 

[Joe Biden]

Spoiler

I can't listen to "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" again without thinking about the DNCE remix that plays all the time at my job.

 

[4EverGreen]

Unpopular opinion time; I don't think "Too Much Heaven; Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?; My Life"; and "Ring My Bell" were bad songs! I mean, they're STILL better than anything Justin Bieber has put out during his entire musical career!  Can't wait for the best songs of this year!  Enough said! 

[SG19]

1 hour ago, 4EverGreen said:

Unpopular opinion time; I don't think "Too Much Heaven; Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?; My Life"; and "Ring My Bell" were bad songs! I mean, they're STILL better than anything Justin Bieber has put out during his entire musical career!  Can't wait for the best songs of this year!  Enough said! 

And that comparison never gets old