Clappy vs Billboard Hot 100

[Wumbo]

What the hell is "chin music"

[Burgerpants]

What the hell is "chin music"

music by 

[Clappy]

What the hell is "chin music"

 

[Clappy]

Hey guys let's talk about 50 Shades of Grey.

 

 

Actually let's save that for another day.  Let's talk about the fact that the number one album right now is the 50 Shades of Grey soundtrack.  So you guys are telling me that the general American public would rather listen to porn music rather than Drake's new mixtape or the new collaborative rap album from two of the biggest names in rap music....

 

 

...oh man I couldn't type that out without laughing.  That song is just something else.  But seriously, 50 Shades of Grey is the number one album right now?  What?  Why?  Nothing good should come of this.

 

 

 

...wait really?  This is from the 50 Shades of Grey soundtrack?  I actually really like this.   Then again Ellie Goulding has grown on me so much in the past few years.  She's gorgeous, her voice is hypnotic, and while I don't believe in the 50 Shades of Grey love story, I do believe this song is about someone who is actually in love.  I'm not afraid to admit that I like "girly songs".  This one in particular is wonderful.  So maybe if that is a sign of things to come from the 50 Shades of Grey soundtrack, maybe another hit will spawn off the album.

 

*looks down the chart*

 

TWO SONGS?!?!  REALLY?  Hmm, maybe this one will surprise me too.

 

*listens*

 

....nope.

 

"Earned It" - The Weeknd

 

Ok so let's talk about this guy instead.

 

 

The Weeknd.  What the actual fuck is with his hair.  So I'm not going to lie.  At first I thought there were two of him because his voice sounds so overly pitched that I thought The Weeknd was a duo instead of just another R&B crooner.  And after listening to his stuff, I will say this.  I would much rather have him around than some of the guys we've gotten in the past few years.  I mean does anybody remember this guy?

 

 

Good riddance Future (I hope).  I didn't think anyone could have less talent than Jason DeRulo.  You sure proved me wrong.  I hate you so much....but that's besides the point.  Compared to some of the crappy R&B guys we've gotten trying to launch themselves to the top of the genre, I'd rather have someone who can actually sing like The Weeknd compared to some of the auto tune heavy artists we've been getting.  But does that mean he's talented?  Well....

 

 

I'm not going to deny that The Weeknd can sing....but something about his music just makes my skin crawl.  I mean I'm not trying to sound like a prude because I'm a guy who likes his sultry R&B jams.  I just don't believe The Weeknd can get as much pussy as he is singing about.  He sounds whiny about how he gets it often.  I just don't fully believe in what The Weeknd is singing about and the video for this is definitely tasteless....and slightly depressing tbh.  But hey, that was The Weeknd's biggest single to date unless you want to count his guest spot on Love Me Harder.  Now The Weeknd is back on his own with this.

 

Spoiler

 

Oh man listen to that production.  It sounds like something you would hear at a smooth jazz club with that piano, trumpets, trombones, violins, and bass.  It sets the tone for this song perfectly.....and that's all the positive I have to say about this song.

 

So where do I start?

 

How about taking back everything I said about Often.  This video is far more tasteless and this song makes my skin crawl far more than anything else.  It's distracting to watch the parade of leather ass cheeks and nip strips.  It's as tasteless as the movie it's soundtrack is for so I guess that it's fitting.  But that doesn't mean it works because we're suppose to hear how she "earned it"...with the it being The D or so I assume.  That's not really sexy.  Speaking of which, can we talk about how about how UNSEXY The Weeknd is here.  God his voice is just unbearable to listen to like he's doing that singing through your nose thing that drives me crazy on full overload that it made my dog run away from my lap.  Don't worry Murphy, The Weeknd and his voice won't get you in the other room.  I mean good lord man.  Your whiny voice is so off key that you are one step closer to being the black Adam Levine....and nobody wants to hear that.  We already have one Adam Levine, we don't want no more.

 

 

I specifically posted Animals here because while I defend this song for being just too stupid to fully hate, that doesn't stop this song from being tasteless garbage.  I say that because I believe in one thing about this song.  This song is the perfect epitome as to why I hate 50 Shades of Grey.  The property is just tasteless garbage which makes this song far more fitting for the 50 Shades of Grey soundtrack.  I mean ignore the overly repetitive chorus and read the other stanzas.

 

I'm never confused
Hey, hey
I'm so used to being used

 

You know our love would be tragic
So you don't pay it, don't pay it no mind
We live with no lies
Hey, hey
You're my favorite kind of night

 

Oh man, the tasteless rapey vibes are just "stimulating"....god why is this song huge again?  I've read websites comparing The Weeknd to a modern day Michael Jackson.  Really?  What about this guy gives off any sort of MJ vibes?  At least Michael Jackson was able to show complexity as an artist.  The Weeknd has done nothing more for me than to show me that he can grow as an artist.  He has certainly not earned anything to really get my respect just yet.  Maybe someday The Weeknd will make a R&B song that I'll like but when he already have Usher and Ne-Yo who can pull of the sultry vibe a hell of a lot better, I'd rather have one of them than a guy who makes a skin crawling song about BDSM.  I'm done talking about this shit....but not about that movie....

 

CLAPPY TAKES ON THE 50 SHADES OF GREY MOVIE TOMORROW

[Wumbo]

I think my big problem with this song is... okay, yeah, she "earned it". First off, what? Second, if it's "sex with you", I'm not convinced that it's worth "earning".

[Clappy]

Hey what’s up hello.

 

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a music review.  I needed a bit of a break since my last one wasn’t one of my best.  Of course go figure that Earned It is still in the Top 10 as we speak….as well as like 70% of the songs on there right now.  I hate to beat a dead horse here, but Billboard has gotten incredibly stagnant for the past year.  Sure we get change every now and then, but the same songs stay popular for months and it just becomes boring and tedious.  Not helping the matters is the radio playing the same songs to death and people buying the same songs off iTunes.  Let’s be honest now, streaming should not be as affective on the charts as it currently is because not everyone downloads their music off iTunes.  Maybe Billboard should take that into consideration because streaming is much more versatile now than it was ten years ago.

 

But you guys are tired of me rambling, let’s take a look at probably the most surprising entry on the Top 10 right now.

 

“Trap Queen” – Fetty Wap

 

Spoiler

 

Two months ago, I didn’t even know this guy existed and now he has a Top 5 hit with a pure rap song.  That’s saying something considering how stagnant the rap genre has been for the past three years in terms of mainstream popularity.  The genre has plenty of talent like Kanye West, Kendrick Lamar, Childish Gambino, etc. but rap music just doesn’t feel important anymore.  There hasn’t been a foolproof smash hit from this genre in the past few years, unless you want to count the #2 charting Anaconda last year from Nicki Minaj.  But that song is easily a mockery of itself to the point that I’d rather have it not exist.  My point stands though that rap music has gotten way too sample heavy.  What’s even worse is that the biggest name in rap music last year hit wise was DJ Mustard.  Let’s let that sink in.

 

That’s what makes Trap Queen a breath of fresh air.  It’s not relying on an uber producer nor sampling.  It’s just a straight up rap song that has a catchy beat and is simplistic enough to be a massive earworm that won’t escape your head.  I can get behind earworms.  I mean without earworms, will.i.am wouldn’t be relevant in popular culture today.  So yeah, good on you Fetty Wap….and that’s the catchiness portion of the review.  Let’s look at the content.

 

 

 

I’ve been anxious to try "something different”, that’s not only the reason behind my name, but the motivation with Trap Queen and how I knew I had a hit.

 

OH HO HO REALLY NOW?!  Dude, your name is Fetty Wap.  Thanks to Rap Genius, I’m well aware that your name literally stands for Cash Money.  Your name isn’t that original when it’s one of the most infamous topics rappers rap about.  I mean what else is different about his style?  The fact that he’s half singing?  You know who else did that?

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aofoBrFNdg

 

But there’s a huge difference.  Biz Markie was in on the joke when he half sang while rapping.  Fetty Wap doesn’t pull that off nowhere near as well.  It’s like he is using the singing to cover up for the fact that the lyrics really aren’t that clever.

 

I just wanna chill, got a sack for us to roll
Married to the money, introduced her to my stove

 

Aww how flattering…wait is this about a girl or about his love for money?

 

Showed her how to whip it, now she remixin' for low
She my trap queen, let her hit the bando

 

Bando means abandoned rape shack for those who aren’t aware….at least we know it’s about a girl.

 

We be countin' up, watch how far them bands go
We just set a goal, talkin' matchin' Lambos
Got 50, 60 grand, 500 grams though

 

Quit fucking confusing me Fetty Wap.  Is it the money you love or your trap queen?

 

Man, I swear I love her how she work the damn pole
Hit the strip club, we be letting bands go
Everybody hating, we just call them fans though

 

Ok I’ve figured it out.

 

In love with the money, I ain't ever letting go

 

He loves this girl but not as much as he loves his money.  Because the money gets him his fine cars, his drugs, his trap queens.  MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY!  You know Fetty Wap, you are doing a piss poor job trying to make yourself different from other rappers because what you are doing is listing off every single cliché that rappers go through in every rap song imaginable.  There is nothing different about this song that makes me think wow this is groundbreaking material.

 

And I get high with my baby
I just left the mall, I'm getting fly with my baby, yeah
And I can ride with my baby
I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby, yeah

 

Hehe how cute.  Cooking pies with your baby.

 

 

Walter White knows what you are cooking.  At least for a thugs need love too anthem, Fetty Wap isn’t brag rapping about fucking another dude’s girl.

 

I'll run in ya house, then I'll fuck your hoe

 

 

I’m sorry I don’t understand how original this is and how it got so massive.  Maybe that’s the point.  The content just doesn’t matter here.  It’s just like everything else on the radio so it doesn’t need to differentiate itself.  Well that’s disappointing in that case because I do want to like this for the production because it’s catchy.  But god, the content here is just uninspiring and isn’t as different as Fetty Wap wants to proclaim it is.  I don’t hate this.  This is way too stupid to hate.  It's more uninspiring than anything else.

 

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/5739292

 

…um what the hell?  Did someone mix some Nyquil with his weed because he seems completely out of it.  Least enthusiastic hypeman ever.

[Wumbo]

I should really use Tubechop more often in my reviews. It would be hella useful.

[CyanideFishbone]

I can't wait to see you take down CoCo.

[Steel Sponge]

I've talked about this months ago when you did your "ode to 2013 backwash," but what you're saying about radio playing the same songs and people buying the same songs right now is why I've argued about songs being popular for "too long" months ago.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for songs like "Radioactive" and "Sail" setting new records, and I don't mind having backwash on the year-end charts. It's also not that I'm acting like this has been happening since this decade (but since the 90's). It's just that I feel songs should at least retire a little quicker than usual. I disliked the year 2014 in music mostly because I felt that year didn't have that many hits.

 

This is another story, but just look at the song "Studio." It was a hit, enough to reach the year-end Hot 100, but that song peaked at only #38. Pretty impressive. Otherwise, that speaks to me that just about ANY song with enough points can be considered a year-end success. Hypothetically speaking, say a song that peaked outside the Top 40, #41 or so, is on the year-end Hot 100 at one point after spending a whopping 30 weeks. What should I say about that? I don't know.

 

Also, I'm not just saying that I find excessive staying power iffy for songs that peaked on the Top 10, look at "Riptide" for example. It peaked at #30, but it's still on the Top 40 and it's been on the Top 40 for at least 20 weeks now.

 

In short, I feel the same way. I find the long-term popularity boring and tedious. And sadly, I'd see Billboard still doing this year after year. If you think I'm being a little too nitpicky here, then I'm sorry, but to rephrase, I wish some songs would just retire a little quicker.

 

 

In a lighter note, now that Butters has mentioned it, is it bad for me to say that I actually enjoyed "CoCo?"

[CyanideFishbone]

I've talked about this months ago when you did your "ode to 2013 backwash," but what you're saying about radio playing the same songs and people buying the same songs right now is why I've argued about songs being popular for "too long" months ago.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for songs like "Radioactive" and "Sail" setting new records, and I don't mind having backwash on the year-end charts. It's also not that I'm acting like this has been happening since this decade (but since the 90's). It's just that I feel songs should at least retire a little quicker than usual. I disliked the year 2014 in music mostly because I felt that year didn't have that many hits.

 

This is another story, but just look at the song "Studio." It was a hit, enough to reach the year-end Hot 100, but that song peaked at only #38. Pretty impressive. Otherwise, that speaks to me that just about ANY song with enough points can be considered a year-end success. Hypothetically speaking, say a song that peaked outside the Top 40, #41 or so, is on the year-end Hot 100 at one point after spending a whopping 30 weeks. What should I say about that? I don't know.

 

Also, I'm not just saying that I find excessive staying power iffy for songs that peaked on the Top 10, look at "Riptide" for example. It peaked at #30, but it's still on the Top 40 and it's been on the Top 40 for at least 20 weeks now.

 

In short, I feel the same way. I find the long-term popularity boring and tedious. And sadly, I'd see Billboard still doing this year after year. If you think I'm being a little too nitpicky here, then I'm sorry, but to rephrase, I wish some songs would just retire a little quicker.

 

 

In a lighter note, now that Butters has mentioned it, is it bad for me to say that I actually enjoyed "CoCo?"

Why?

 

I don't mean to sound rude by saying that, but I'm just asking. 

[Steel Sponge]

Why?

 

I don't mean to sound rude by saying that, but I'm just asking. 

 

It's nowhere near the best song of 2015. It's incredibly silly, I know that. To me though, it's an incredibly stupid single and a memorable one at that. I remember more verses from that song than verses from the likes of "Fancy," "23," "My Hitta," etc. In fact, as weird as sounds for me to say it, I rather listen to this rapper describe his love for cocaine in a rather awkward manner than listen to rappers brag about how rich they are. Anyways, I kinda liked it, but I do appreciate that you hated it.

 

I also don't think Claps is going to give "CoCo" a full review since the song just left the charts, but it will be nice know what he thinks of the song.

[Wumbo]

"CoCo" is enjoyably stupid.

[CyanideFishbone]

Now that I think about it, it's kind of got that "so-bad-it's-good" vibe, but I still think it sucks.

 

IMO, the worst songs of 2014 were CoCo, Hangover, No Flex Zone, Booty, and *flame shield up* Ain't It Fun. 

[Wumbo]

and *flame shield up* Ain't It Fun. 

I'll set aside my flamethrower if you'd explain why, s'il vous plait.

[CyanideFishbone]

I'll set aside my flamethrower if you'd explain why, s'il vous plait.

Most of my hatred for Paramore comes from the fact that I can't STAND Hayley William's voice. That's really as far as it goes.

[Clappy]

Most of my hatred for Paramore comes from the fact that I can't STAND Hayley William's voice. That's really as far as it goes.

Dude your reasoning sucks in that case. I can't stand Meghan Trainor's voice but I don't let that affect my reasoning for not liking every one of her songs. Open your mind a little.

[SG19]

Haley Williams' voice isn't that bad IMO.

[CyanideFishbone]

Haley Williams' voice isn't that bad IMO.

I personally can't fucking STAND it, but hey, to each their own. I dislike Paramore, but hey if you like them, go ahead. 

[Clappy]

So I'm in a bit of a funk with the whole job loss thing. But as you can tell I have a few tricks up my sleeve to get out of this funk with the Worst Episode Countdown coming, my first television review this weekend, and my special Crap Cinema project with Wumbo (spoiler alert) that will hopefully be ready soon as well as getting back to spin-off and lit writing. So I'm going to do something with this thread as well to lighten the mood.

Yep, it's that time again. Time to take the WAYBACK machine and visit some random song year and do a Top 10/Bottom 10 countdown. This time let's go to.....

Yeah Wumbo, I'm going to go one year further than you just did. 2008! Plus I notice this thread gets more activity when you visit a year that members tend to remember fondly so please don't stop the music. It's too late to apologize. LYRICS!

[Wumbo]

LYRICS, SO MANY LYRICS