Clappy's Top 50 Worst Songs of All Time List

[Wumbo]

If I were to add one Nickelback song to that list, it would be this:

 

[Elastic Dawg]

If I were to add one Nickelback song to that list, it would be this:

 

 

I felt bad hitting the like button, i'll admit.

[Wumbo]

TI-ime

 

is go-WING BAI

 

so much (octave usually reserved for dog whistles) FASTER THAN IIIII

[Clappy]

LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED

 

 

And I don't think anyone saw this coming....

 

 

50. "Dancing In The Street" - David Bowie and Mick Jagger

 

 

 

And since I have this song on my list, let's get the obvious Family Guy gag out of the way.

 

 

 

I remember when I was first really getting into music in high school, I was stoked to hear that two of my favorite classic rock musicians in Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones and David Bowie collaborated on a song together.  So I searched up the song and then...that happened.  Is the song bad persay?  Well it was done two previous times.  It originated in 1964 by Martha and the Vandellas and I heard that version recently and it was actually pretty good.  Then it was redone again in 1982 by Van Halen and that was actually surprisingly decent too.  

 

Where did Jagger and Bowie go wrong?  Well how about the fact that they did their version THREE YEARS LATER.  I mean come on.  I know people like to remake properties constantly in the entertainment business but it was three whole years.  Did this collaboration for this particular song have to happen right there and right now?

 

But I think it's obvious that most of the hate comes from the music video itself.  I mean it's just really really....awkward.  I mean it's just the two of them...dancing.  Neither of them are particularly good dancers.  Oh and Mick Jagger just makes the song much more awkward.  He is really getting into it....really getting into it....really getting into it...so uncomfortable.  I think Mick Jagger in particular just takes this song to over the top corny.  I never understood the song "Moves Like Jagger" primarily because what dance moves does Mick Jagger have?  I mean Jagger's dancing is so awkwardly bad and this the showcase of Jagger awkwardly bad dancing in the street.  David Bowie is bad too but I think his badness gets overshadowed by Mick Jagger's definitely.

 

So yeah, this was a massive letdown for me.  The song itself is mediocre without the video regardless, but the video definitely is bad enough for me to hate the song.

 

 

49. "Mine" - Taylor Swift

 

 

 

Did I already mention 2010 was the worst year of music I've ever experienced?  This is only the beginning of many songs to come from this year.

 

Uh, oh, oh
Uh, oh, oh

 

My sentiments exactly Taylor Swift.

 

This is my least favorite song of hers.  Yeah, you guys surprised it's not I Knew You Were Trouble?  That song is really bad too, but no where near as bad as this for me personally.  I mean just listen to it.  It's just uncomfortable to listen to cutesy Taylor Swift to be performing a song like this.  I mean just the year before last she was performing songs about being "15" and high school romance.  Flash forward a year later and she is performing a song about being....Teen Mom?  Uh, oh, oh.

 

Also this has to be the most boring, uninteresting romance Taylor Swift wrote.  I'll give her partial credit that it's not about an ex-boyfriend because obviously Taylor Swift is way too innocent to know anything about being a young mother.  Anyway, let's proceed to look at these "lyrics":

 

Do you remember, we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time.
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter.
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine.

 

What's so rebellious about dating a college guy at 17 or 18?  That's the first thing that sticks out of my mind.  I went to high school with plenty of girls that were dating college guys.  It's not really that rebellious.  Especially since she points out earlier:

 

You were in college working part time waiting tables

Left a small town, never looked back
I was a flight risk with a fear of fallin’
Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts

 

How can we know how rebellious this relationship is if she doesn't explain the college guy well enough for us to actually give a shit about how "rebellious" Taylor Swift is.  I mean we learn nothing about this relationship at all....that is until one vague moment later:

 

And I remember that fight
Two-thirty AM

 

Isn't it ironic how all fights between couples usually occur in the wee morning hours?

As everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street

 

Into the street?  Implying that they don't have a front yard to run out into.

Braced myself for the "Goodbye."
‘Cause that’s all I’ve ever known
Then you took me by surprise
You said, "I’ll never leave you alone."

 

Because I have no choice since you are having my love child. 

 

Sorry guys.  I just can't stand this Taylor Swift song more than any others.  It's one of her most bland uninspired songs ever and somehow...this managed to be a Top 5 hit.  I just don't get it and I don't think Taylor Swift gets what she's singing about in this song either.

[Metal Snake]

This is very reminiscent of Wumbo's list. I actually like both of those songs (both are silly, but fine for what they are).

[So Sejima]

I like David Bowie so I did not expect this at all. I probably won't know any songs on here as I'm not that into music

[Elastic Dawg]

Pretty much everything Mick Jagger did post-1980 is fucking death. Glad to see someone who agrees!

[Clappy]

This is very reminiscent of Wumbo's list. I actually like both of those songs (both are silly, but fine for what they are).

Well I decided to do it in Wumbo's review style...somewhat.

 

 

Pretty much everything Mick Jagger did post-1980 is fucking death. Glad to see someone who agrees!

Oh you just wait til the next update then.

[Wumbo]

Hahaha, Dancing in the Street. That's actually a guilty pleasure of mine for how awful it is.

 

But that Taylor Swift song just sucks. I'd pick "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" as her worst, though.

[Metal Snake]

Hahaha, Dancing in the Street. That's actually a guilty pleasure of mine for how awful it is.

 

But that Taylor Swift song just sucks. I'd pick "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" as her worst, though.

 

Eh...I also don't mind "We are Never Ever Getting Back Together" and "I Knew You Were Trouble". Taylor Swift's stuff is stupid, but nothing unbearable to me.

[Elastic Dawg]

 

Oh you just wait til the next update then.

 

 

...am I psychic or what?

[Wumbo]

I'll bet anything T.H.E. is somewhere on this list.

[Sweat]

I hate both of those songs.

[Sabre]

I have mixed feelings towards "Dancing in the Street". It's not a song I'd necessarily choose to listen to, I often skip it when listening to Bowie's greatest hits, but when I do hear it I don't have any strong feelings towards it. It's very meh.

 

Don't know the Taylor Swift song. Don't want to.

 

 

 

P.S. I hope "Start Me Up" isn't on this list, I love that song,

[Jellatine]

Alright, alright...well, yeah #50 is kind of silly and it's a let down to know that 2 of the best artists out there felt short on this song, their voices doesn't even sound too pleasant, so I'm with you. #49, eh, don't know this song too much, listening to it right now, sounds like yet another generic Taylor Swift song, something I'd skip in a heartbeat. 

[Clappy]

I'll bet anything T.H.E. is somewhere on this list.

Somebody give this Wumbologist a medal.

 

48. "T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever)" – will.i.am featuring Jennifer Lopez and Mick Jagger

 

 

Believe it or not, I don’t have any Black Eyed Peas songs on here at all.  Don’t Stop The Party was a honorable mention.  But no matter how much I hate the later years of The Black Eyed Peas, I couldn’t find myself hating them enough to put them on here…as a group.  Hello will.i.am.  How are you doing?  How’s that solo career?

 

Somehow since the BEP hiatus, will.i.am has gotten even worse.  Scream and Shout is boring, #thatpower is #awful, I don’t even think his duet with Miley Cyrus even charted, and don’t even get me started on ruining Ke$ha’s new song with his mumbling bit.  That pisses me off so much.  Yet, this was the song that I think defines how bad will.i.am has gotten.  I’ve already gone in depth in the past about how much I hate this song.  I think it was #4 on my worst songs of 2012 list.  But I want to point out that he killed two birds with one stone due to this song.

 

Has Jennifer Lopez had any hits after this song came out?  I think she tried to promote one with Pitbull but was it a hit?  No.  How about Mick Jagger?  Of course not.  Why was Mick Jagger even on here?  Is it because he gets name dropped in songs all the time now?  Mick, I have a little secret for you.  Your name rhymes with swagger.  Artists are awfully lazy now and since swagger is somehow still culturally relevant, they will rhyme Jagger with swagger.

 

Oh and speaking of lazy artists, this is current will.i.am in a nutshell.  His mindset is if he can make a catchy earworm beat, it can cover up for half-assed lyrics.  And boy oh boy is the music terrible in this.  It sounds like a car alarm going off key.  Like my ears hurt every time I hear the audio from this.  It’s painful and it makes me focus more on the lyrics and we get gems like these:

 

Now everybody want my recipe

Tell a jealous chicken I don't know what the beef is

 

I wait out like NASA, I'm way over here I done past ya

I get stacks of cash, you get cashews, I go hard, statues

 

 

But yeah, this song is absolute...actually there is one coherent lyric on here that I agree with

 

This beat is a shit, feces

 

Couldn’t have said it any better myself.  Thanks for making my point for me William.

 

 

 

47. "Escape" – Enrique Iglesias

 

 

I’m probably going to come off as a massive hypocrite for having this on here.  Especially since there is a song that many consider worse than this, but I’ll get to that in a bit.  But I need to get this out of the way right now.  Enrique Iglesias is not the nice heartwarming guy all you ladies think he is.  Nope, Enrique Iglesias….well, how about I post that other song now?

 

 

Yeah Enrique Iglesias is a massive sleazebag.  One of the more obvious ones out there.  Listen to Enrique as he talks about wanting to fuck you and not consensually either.  Tonight he is fucking YOU.  No ifs ands or buts about it.

 

Now I know what you guys are thinking.  Clappy, why have Escape on here and not the obvious rapey song Tonight I’m Fucking You?  Well, I have to admit.  Despite what I said, Tonight I’m Fucking You is so bad, it’s good.  I kinda dig the techno beat and Ludacris has a thing for saving bad songs.  His guest spot probably saved that song the most.

 

As for Escape, well that’s not the case.  Nope, Enrique sucks the life out of this song so bad with his blandness that you can feel no sympathy for this sleazebag whatsoever.  It ruined all of Enrique’s other songs for me and to me stained his image.  I can’t listen to any of his songs without thinking that this so called “man of romance” is just as full of shit as a white guy playing an acoustic guitar on the street.  Don’t believe me?

 

Here's how it goes, you and me, up and down

 

Yeah, “up” and “down” alright.

 

Then he throws out some bullshit about how she means something to him.  Yeah she means so much to him that he can’t even talk about their actual “love” enough for us to actually care about her.

 

I mean hell, look at the chorus:

 

But soon you'll be finding

You can run, you can hide

But you can't escape my love.

 

I feel genuinely bad for this girl.  She’s going to be caught by Enrique and “his love/penis”.

 

I'm not gonna beg you to stay (you can't escape my love)

 

See?  You can see it however you want it, but Enrique just wants to really really fuck this girl.  I can dissect this song more if you guys want me to, but you can’t escape the inevitable.  Enrique Iglesias just wants to fuck you.  I mean this song wouldn’t be as bad if it wasn’t so boring.  But even with all the rapey lyrics, this song just really really bores me to tears.  I mean it’s one thing to be a bad song, but a bad boring song sometimes can be worse…and you guys will see more of that later on.

[Sauce Mama]

Bahaha I can't stand will.i.am in general. He's a poser.

[Metal Snake]

The lyrics for both of those songs made me laugh. And I'm going to make a guess too. The song from 1968 on this list is Revolution 9. Please tell me I'm wrong.

[Clappy]

The lyrics for both of those songs made me laugh. And I'm going to make a guess too. The song from 1968 on this list is Revolution 9. Please tell me I'm wrong.

Don't get me wrong.  I heavily considered putting Revolution 9 on here.  It's absolutely awful and is hands down the worst Beatles song ever.  But then I realized something.  It's not music...or at least it's not to me.  I don't even think The Beatles were even trying with Revolution 9.  I blame that acid.  

[Metal Snake]

Don't get me wrong.  I heavily considered putting Revolution 9 on here.  It's absolutely awful and is hands down the worst Beatles song ever.  But then I realized something.  It's not music...or at least it's not to me.  I don't even think The Beatles were even trying with Revolution 9.  I blame that acid.  

 

Well thanks for heavily implying that I was wrong. I totally respect your opinion but...I'm not even a fan of The Beatles and that's my all-time favorite song of theirs aside from Octopus' Garden and A Day in the Life.

 

Favorite Moments:

Spoiler

"He went to see the dentist for an extra set of spare teeth! Which wasn't any good at all!"

 

"El Dorado. Take this brother, may it serve you well!"

 

"Right! Right! Right! Riiiii *voice fades out then comes back louder* IIIIIGGGGGHHHHHTTTTT! RIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHTTTTT!"

 

"I'M GONNA DIE! AH AH AH...UH UH UH UH..."

 

"*singing in the shower as steam starts to blow* YOU CAN COME NAKED. OFF TO JAIL!"

 

But yeah, I totally understand why you don't like it. It took me a few listens to get into it myself. Stuff that requires you to "test your patience" in order to get into is definitely not for everyone.