Clappy’s New Crap Cinema

[Old Man Jenkins]

Here's to hoping Mr. Mxyzptlk makes his silver screen debut sometime this millennia.

[Clappy]

Here's to hoping Mr. Mxyzptlk makes his silver screen debut sometime this millennia.

Wouldn't that be something? I would actually welcome that thought.

Wait a minute...what's this? Two reviews in 24 hours? Didn't see this coming. No seriously, I got my DVD of 1990 Captain America in the mail today. I got around to watching it and boy was it something...something that everyone should stay far away from. Strap on your seatbelts kiddies because we have a clunker on our hands.

Let’s start off this classic story about an American superhero in…1936 Fascist Italy. Okay that is unusual? The government kidnaps a young child prodigy and kills his family. The child is needed for an experimental project to create a Fascist supersoldier that was already tested on…weird radioactive rats? Once again unusual. Dr. Vaselli (Carla Cassola) objects to using the boy, and flees this heavily armed military base by jumping out of a window…unscathed might I mention. She flees to the USA to offer her services to the Americans.

Seven years later…in 1943…since we can’t apparently do the math ourselves according to the cue cards, the American government finds a volunteer in Steve Rogers, a loyal all-American who is excluded from the draft because of his polio. As he embarks, he says goodbye to his girlfriend of at least fifteen seconds Bernice (Kim Gillingham). They only share the screen together for such a short amount of time? There is no emotional attachment whatsoever, so why should I care what happens to her later on (SPOILER ALERT)?

Back to the “interesting” stuff, they head off to a secret laboratory/base which is located…underneath a diner? At this laboratory/Denny’s, they are trying to create the perfect superhero. The transformation process literally looks like Steve is going through shock therapy. Poor sap. The formula successfully transforms Rogers into a superhero, but before any more super soldiers can be created using the formula she keeps in her head, Dr. Vaselli is murdered by a Nazi spy in ultra hilarious fashion. Watch the clip below. Easily the best scene from the movie…because of comedic purposes obviously.

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Gotta love the Psych Hitler. Meanwhile, the Italian boy has become the Red Skull and is planning to launch a missile at the White House. However, Rogers, who comes out unharmed by the Nazi attack, is sent in to defeat the Skull and deactivate the missile. If you are wondering when he becomes Captain America, it happens off screen because before you know it, Rogers is now wearing the Captain America gear without any build up whatsoever. I’m sorry, but if you don’t build up to the moment to when a superhero gets his gear, then how do you expect anyone to take this movie seriously? Apparently, Vaselli designed the uniform, made it fireproof, and didn’t try to make it camouflage because of her undying love for the red, white, and blue. Didn’t they just make it clear that she was Italian at the beginning? I’m sorry, not taking this explanation seriously.

Rogers manages to penetrate the launch compound, but after an initial battle, the Red Skull kicks Captain America’s red, white, and blue ass badly. Red Skull ties him to the missile as it is about to launch. Captain America is able to grab a hold of the Red Skull, forcing him to cut off his own hand to avoid being launched into destruction along with his "American brother". While the missile is over Washington, D.C…since we clearly can’t tell where we are with the White House right on screen…thanks again useless subtitles, a young boy named Thomas Kimball is so excited to be living in Washington D.C. that he randomly goes outside in the middle of the night to take a picture of the White House. takes a photograph as Captain America forces the missile to change course and land somewhere in Alaska…without exploding…where he remains frozen until the 1990s. I mean really now? How could America go on without remembering their American superhero for fifty years? That is something that I just never understood about the Captain America franchise as a whole. Not just in this movie.

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There is the full sequence…in Italian sadly. I just posted this so you can see how much the fight scene, the missile scene, etc. just flat out sucks. I mean take a look at this. Since when were Captain America’s hijinks so…animated…

Anyway, little Thomas Kimball goes on to become an honest politician and Vietnam War hero until being elected the President of the United States of America. In 1993, a year into his term, he is pushing for pro-environmentalist legislation that is angering the military-industrial complex, who hold a secret conference with our own U.S. general (WHAT THE FUCK? TRAITOR!) in Italy (once again, even more unnecessary subtitles since I know where the Coliseum is located…) that is led by the Red Skull. Following the war, the Red Skull had extensive plastic surgery in a partially successful attempt to alter his disfigured features…..whoa whoa whoa, slow down there. Why the fuck did they change Red Skull entirely??? I mean there is plastic surgery, but then there is fucking miracles. There is no way they would have perfectly executed this plastic surgery to completely hide the fact that he has a FUCKING RED SKULL….now where was I? No Longer Red Skull also raised a daughter, and has become the leader of a powerful crime family. In the 1960s, this American military-industrial complex hired the No Longer Red Skull and his thugs to murder various Americans who were against their militarism and No Longer Red Skull's fascism, such as Dr. Martin Luther King, President John F. Kennedy, and Robert Kennedy…wh-wh-what???? The same man who moronically cut off his own hand just to get away from a rocket was the one who assassinated three of the top historical figures of the 1960s??? DOES NOT COMPUTE! Now, No Longer Red Skull is targeting President Kimball for kidnapping and brainwashing.

Captain America's frozen body is found in Alaska (yes because it hasn’t change much in the last decade, STOP WITH THE USELESS SUBTITLES!) by researchers, and he seriously just thaws out in the tent with no fire or anything whatsoever. He just walks out like he was not frozen at all…lame. Steve meanwhile still thinks that it is the 1940s. After battling some of No Longer Red Skull's thugs, which all look like hot supermodels (couldn’t find image of them =/), he heroically cowers up with Sam Kolawetz (Ned Beatty), a reporter and childhood friend of President Kimball. So Captain America pretends to get car sick and…oh boy…quickly steals Kolawetz’s truck to make his way back to his girlfriend of 15 seconds, Bernice, in California. I’m sorry, but this guy is an All-American Asshole. When he isn’t getting his butt kicked by supermodels, he is either hiding or running away. What a douchebag.

While Bernice still lives at her old residence, she has long since married (even though she still believed that Steve wasn’t dead? Lolwut?) and raised her own daughter, Sharon (who, yes, is also being played by Kim Gillingham), who subsequently gives Rogers a series of VHS history tapes so he can catch up on what happened while he was frozen in ice. Meanwhile, No Longer Red Skull's thugs/supermodels, led by his daughter, break into Bernice's house and kill her. They also cause her husband, Kris Kristofferson in a role I wish I could have seen more of for lulz, to have a heart attack during their efforts to find where Captain America is hiding.

Rogers and Sharon visit the secret underground base where Rogers gained his superpowers in the hopes that Dr. Vaselli's diary is still there and contains the original name of the man who once had a Red Skull. Although Rogers and Sharon find the diary, No Longer Red Skull's supermodels attempt to grab it. Rogers and Sharon vow revenge as well as the rescue of the kidnapped President Kimball…who wasn’t kidnapped in a cut scene? I mean he is only the president dammit, give him some justice. They travel to Italy (you guessed it readers, USELESS FUCKING SUBTITLE) and locate No Longer Red Skull's home and an old recording of the murder of his parents. Afterwards,…ugh…again? Steve pulls the same shtick again about being carsick to abandon Sharon. Luckily, Sharon is able to catch up with Steve, who was having a hard time trying to speak Italian with his English language they can’t comprehend. Also luckily, Sharon speaks fluent Italian. Thus making the entire past five minutes…you guessed it. Pointless.

Steve and Sharon have another run in with No Longer Red Skull’s supermodels, which consists of the following derp moments:

-Steve saving children from a car that was driving straight at them, but were not moving anyway.

-Steve pushing Sharon out of the way of a motorcycle, only to wait three or four more seconds for the motorcycle to eventually hit him.

-Steve stealing a bike and riding him and Sharon off a cliff…are you surprised at this rate?

-The supermodels glare into the water for two seconds and not wait for Steve and Sharon to come up and grab some air two more seconds later.

Oh and Sharon agrees to be kidnapped to allow Steve Rogers, to once again dons his costume, to enter No Longer Red Skull's castle. Quick Steve! Get carsick and abandon her again! Wait you are going to let her go through with this even though you just said you don’t want her to get harmed twenty minutes ago? Captain America: Super Douche!

Steve heads off to the castle as the president escapes. Alas the president is cornered by the bad guys…who actually look intimidating for a change. What does the president do? If you say kill himself by jumping out of the castle, you are correct. Not so fast though, Captain America conveniently was climbing up the wall at the same time of the president’s suicide. How convenient. Oh and the president wants to help Captain America save the day. Good thing because he could probably do a better job kicking ass than this superhero can.

In the midst of their battle, No Longer Red Skull pulls out a remote trigger for a nuclear dirty bomb…in a piano? Ok…, but Captain America uses Sharon's recording of the murder of No Longer Red Skull's family several years earlier to distract him. While No Longer Red Skull is lost in thought, Capt. America uses his shield to send No Longer Red Skull off a cliff before the bomb can be set off. As No Longer Red Skull's daughter prepares to kill Captain America, she is then decapitated from behind by his returning shield. Oh hey, I just killed a hot chick. I’m a grand American hero!

More like a grand American toolbox...

The United States Marines (who look like ninjas) show up to save the President and arrest the Americans involved in the kidnapping. The credits roll with a comic book image of Captain America in the background and a plea to support the United States Environmental Protection Act 1990…oh great. Another fucking superhero movie with an agenda??? And here I thought I would no longer have to sit through another one of these after just watching Superman IV the previous night. FUCK!

You know what, I don’t even care how much I laughed at the Hail Hitler bit and the fact that Red Skull’s henchmen all looked like people that could be located in an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. This movie blows chunks. I mean seriously, a 90s movie shouldn't like a crappy B-movie from the 70s, which is what the production of this looks like. What kind of superhero constantly gets his ass kicked, steals other people’s vehicles, and constantly hides to avoid confrontation? Pussy superheroes, that’s who. And this version of Captain America is the biggest pussy superhero I’ve seen. This is my first time ever watching this and I guarantee this will be my last. For a minute I thought there would not be another 5 Baby Sandler superhero flick during this mini-review marathon, but this just managed to accomplish the feet. WORST SUPERHERO MOVIE EVER!

What do you think of the new Baby Sandlers? Got to give credit to Adam...whoever the hell he is for this version of Baby Adam Sandler. I prefer it over the other picture.

Three bad superhero movies down, two more to go. Expect my review of Catwoman in the coming days.

[Clappy]

Well, the end is almost near on this month of bad superhero movie reviews. This is currently number 4 with number 5 coming in the next few days. I still can’t say which movie I am going to do, Ang Lee’s Hulk or that new crappy version of the Fantastic 4. But let’s focus on today’s installment. This movie is so bad that it is often referred to as one of the worst movies of the past decade. A movie that is so bad, that the star accepted her Razzie in person and spent at least five minutes bashing the movie. Yep, I am talking about…

For this movie, I have decided to change my reviewing style somewhat. Instead of my usual summarizing of the movie with side commentary, I’m going to try something a bit different. Why am I doing this differently you may ask? Well, Catwoman is not the all out disaster I was expecting, although it is not being a particularly good movie either. There are multiple flaws with this movie, trust me.

First let me get the obvious out of the way. Yes, they completely ignored the fact that Catwoman was never Selina Kyle. It is always a flaw in superhero movies to erase history, but I can’t think of a superhero movie that has made it as obvious as this one. The least they could have done is to show an image of Michelle Pfeiffer’s Selina Kyle as Catwoman, but they couldn’t even manage to do that. Let’s see how Patience Phillips does as the second version of Catwoman now, shall we?

I actually started enjoying the film, right up until Halle Berry’s mousey Patience Phillips turns into the titular hero. Her meek, artist character comes close to working on realistic level, while the film’s production design and soundtrack choices through these opening sequences were pretty solid. But once Patience picks up her whip, the script unravels into a weird mess of kitschy cliché’s and unforgivably bad dialogue. Thus this question came to mind while viewing. Is Catwoman trying to be campy or are we supposed to take all of this seriously? I still don’t know and what’s scary is that I don’t think the movie’s lulzy one-named director Pitof knows either.

Patience is a graphic designer murdered by a corrupt cosmetics company when she stumbles onto the terrible secret of their newest product…harsh. They’re shipping out a face cream that turns people into monsters (no really) and what’s strange is that they don’t seem to be afraid of retribution when the government eventually finds out. Rather, they only want to keep it quiet enough to turn a profit, somehow assuming that once people use it, no one will care that it disfigures. Yep, their motives unbelievably suck. More unbelievable still is Patience’s resurrection at the paws of an Egyptian house cat named Midnight, who solely for the purposes of Patience’s revival is rendered in bad CGI and made to look like a gray, thinner version of the cat we saw eating lasagna in a movie like Garfield.

When Patience awakens she’s given all sorts of strange cat abilities, including a typically feline attraction to catnip. And yes, only Halle Berry could manage to make rubbing catnip all over her face look vaguely sexy. Soon Patience is sleeping on shelves and strutting around town with unseemly confidence. Miss Phillips never really seems to be bothered or perplexed by any of this and instead inexplicably compartmentalizes it and just goes on with her life. Somewhere in the second act, shortly after she beats up some noisy heavy metal bikers, Patience decides it might be nice to go after her killers and does so with such determined vengeance that you’d think she would have thought of it earlier.

To find out who committed her murder, she must of course wear leather since that fabric is required in any tale of revenge. Spider-Man, for example, is driven by guilt, and thus wears only spandex. Once she cuts up some pants to make an appropriately cat-like costume she becomes Catwoman, a heroine who steals a few diamonds and foils a robbery just to prove it. Most importantly, she looks good doing it because the movie notes that it’s incredibly significant. But then this IS Halle Berry in that slinky costume, so looking hot is practically a given. When she doesn’t look good it’s because she’s being rendered in CGI, as she always is whenever Catwoman does anything more complicated than walking. One would think Halle could manage to duck under a swing, but Pitof or perhaps CGI Halle’s manager decided that it was CGI Halle who was right for almost every non-speaking job. Speaking of CGI Halle, let’s watch a couple scenes of her donning the stimulating suit.

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I would say bonerific, but listening to that dialogue kind of kills it.

Somewhat as an aside, Catwoman has a nearly romantic relationship with a detective gifted with the too cinematic name of Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt). For the purposes of this movie, Lone has been substituted in for Batman and whenever the two are playing cops and robbers games together, the film approaches something that might be called good. But then they stop for a game of basketball and soon it’s back to the plot, which has Catwoman battling a villain played by Sharon Stone. She’s got super-powers, the worst super-powers to appear on screen since Daredevil’s Kingpin (whose primary power is being fat and lazy). Sharon in fact is a total waste of time and gives one of the worst performances she’s ever given. That’s saying a lot for a woman whose career sports gems like primarily known for baring her breasts. Had Halle not won an Oscar, that’s probably something they would both have in common.

However, most of the movie’s problems are caused by a script so bad that it must have been intentionally written to stink. I mean come on, the plot revolves around naughty beauty products… give me a break. The rest are caused by laziness on the part of Pitof, who can’t even bother to have Patience’s office co-workers wear different outfits from one day to the next…yes I was bored enough to notice that. Weirdly enough, he has no problem changing the wardrobe of Patience’s best friend while she crosses the street. Black undershirts don’t normally appear to cover a woman’s bosoms just because the traffic light turns red.

What’s sad is that Halle honestly tries to give a pretty solid performance. That’s something she would never be able to achieve, not when forced to utter laughable lines like, “It’s over time!” But let’s give her credit for the effort. The movie ought to be a huge humiliation for her and having now seen it, I’m frankly shocked that she didn’t find a way to refuse to promote it. There’s nothing the least bit resonant, interesting, or even exciting in Catwoman and the best way to enjoy it is to watch only to pick out all of Pitof’s stupid mistakes. There’s not a single good action sequence in the film, most of them being simply awkward and slightly embarrassing.

So yes, this isn’t as bad as I thought it would be since it isn’t the worst movie ever made. Hell, I can think of even worst movies that came out in the year 2004, since that was the year of many clunkers (The Village, Van Helsing, Alone in the Dark, Christmas with the Kranks, all who could be up for Crap Cinema treatment). It is however a total failure, from story to execution a colossal blunder that you’d think someone would have had the sense to sweep right under the rug rather than to hyper-promote it as Warner Bros. did. Catwoman is not necessarily a terrible movie, but just rather pathetic in execution.

Yeah I am just as surprised as you are, but like I said. It wasn’t exactly god awful like I thought it would be and I am going to be modest about that.

[Elastic Dawg]

I don't think changing her name from Selina Kyle into whatever is a flaw. A stupid move, but not a flaw.

As for this movie, i'll probably never watch it all the way through, but the bits and pieces of it i've seen on tv aren't that bad.

[Clappy]

So remember when I said that the final superhero movie reviewed was going to be either The Hulk or Fantastic Four? Well, I lied. Today I ended up re-watching this installment’s punching bag and figured that this movie deserved a full on review. Plus, a former user of this site told me on the XAT the other day that I should review this for him, so in dedication of sir ExKizuna, I give to you,

We all say that we go into summer movies for the explosions, the fight scenes, and the chance to turn our brains off while gazing at guys with chiseled biceps or girls revealing their…features. But X-Men Origins: Wolverine is proof that we don't really mean it. For a summer movie to achieve that popcorn-munching high, there's got to be some level of attention to narrative coherence, character arcs, and all that hoity-toity stuff that you think just comes in the Oscar bait movies. An Oscar-winner himself, Gavin Hood acquits himself well with the action sequences but leaves the story burnt up somewhere in the multiple explosions. If you think all you need to enjoy a superhero film is some well-directed action, try suffering through Wolverine and Sabretooth's endless, pointless attempts to beat each other up.

You see, in case you're not all that familiar with Wolverine, Hugh Jackman (who definitely has more talent than being typecasted), he and his half-brother Sabretooth (a snarky but one-note Liev Schreiber) are both invincible. They were born in the 19th century in Canada but stopped aging in their 30s for some reason, fought for America in all the major wars for some other reason, and survive everything from executions to giant logs rolling on their heads for some other other reason. Now why can’t we get more explanation besides “because they are invincible”? That would make for just as much of an interesting backstory besides how they became the famous mutants that they are today. But I digress. They make an odd pair of vigilantes for a while until getting picked up by Stryker (Danny Huston), a covert government guy who is rounding up mutants to go on all sorts of secret missions in third-world countries. Now why can’t we get more detail about how Stryker’s covert government agency came to be? We are barely ten minutes into it and they throw all these details at you wily nilly with only vague explanations that make you longing for more.

To its credit, the script doesn't linger too long on the typical origin story development, but neither does it bother to explain much to newcomers. Within these ten minutes we've seen Wolverine and Sabretooth tossed in with a new group of mutants, but we don't understand why they're unsurprised to meet all these guys, or why they're willing to follow Stryker when they seem perfectly happy beating up Nazis and Commies. Among their new crew are much-hyped characters like Wade Wilson/Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds), Frederick Dukes/The Blob (Kevin Durand) and John Wraith/Kestrel (Will.i.Am….yes you read that right. The autotuned human-robot hybrid from The Black Eyed Peas was casted as a superhero. Humanity is weeping.), but don't get too attached to them because...you guessed it, the script doesn’t either. I mean this scene is pretty much the epitome of the amount of time this short lived team got to spend together (although I got to admit, Ryan Reynolds steals it).

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About 10 more minutes later Wolverine gets ahold of his moral conscience and abandons ship, heading off to spend five years living in the Canadian Rockies with a hot teacher (Lynn Collins) and his sideburns of wonder.

The real story actually gets going in a way not seen before, unless you’ve seen Watchmen, then you have seen this before. Sabretooth is killing off the old members of the mutant gang, and when he gets Wolverines's sexy teacher, Stryker enlists him to seek revenge. Injecting Wolverine's already-invincible body with adamantium for…you guessed it…some reason, Stryker makes him an even greater killing machine-- and then immediately commences to try to kill him when Wolverine gets wise to Stryker's evil, genetic-tinkering plan. The fight scene that ensues, which involves Wolverine single-handedly taking down a helicopter, is admittedly sexy eye candy that would make Michael Bay cream in his pants, but makes no sense within the story. Not only is Stryker trying to kill the creature he just created at great expense, but he sends his right-hand man, some guy named Zero who doesn’t have a real purpose either, to kill him, knowing fully well that bullets made of adamantium are all that can take down Wolverine.

Unfortunately that's only the first of many irrelevant fight scenes, from a boxing match that Wolverine must have with The Blob for no real reason, to a battle royale in a New Orleans alley against Gambit (Taylor Kitsch), a fellow mutant who's actually on the same side as Wolverine making this fight scene…you guessed it. Completely pointless. Then of course there are the three or so confrontations between Wolverine and Sabretooth, which all begin with the brothers galloping toward one another, claws bared, and end with both of them walking away. The basic formula gets a nice twist in the grand finale, when Wolverine discovers Stryker's genetic mutation factory and we get the much-anticipated appearance of Deadpool. But nothing in this movie ever deals with immortal characters in a meaningful, interesting way, and no amount of fight choreography can lend the scenes genuine tension.

Jackman is hamstrung by his snarling and sulky character, while Schreiber just vacillates between sassy one-liners and open-mouthed rage. Ryan Reynolds lights up the whole thing with his early appearance as Wade, but the story loses him early on, and the less said about his final act return as Deadpool, the better.

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Crap I said it. Sorry for the crappy quality, but it was a crappy fight scene.

Kitsch, terrible Cajun accent aside, makes you wish for more Gambit and less John Carter and Battleship (too soon?), but all the other mutants amount to no more than cameos. There's such thing as too much Hugh Jackman and this movie overachieves in that aspect. Jackman could have done everyone a favor by ceding the screen once in a while and giving the other characters the attention they deserve.

Wolverine is a bad, maybe even terrible movie, but it's also has it’s moments of dumb entertainment. A lot of credit goes to Jackman, but also to Hood, who puts clear effort into staging the action scenes, maybe to compensate for the CGI budget and the ludicrous script. Go for Jackman's biceps and the promise of explosions; stay to laugh at the most ridiculous lines and the increasingly implausible fight scenes. Oh and Patrick Stewart cameos as well at the end in a lulzy Benjamin Button-esque scene. Shame I couldn’t find that to share with y’all.

This review in a nutshell though. If you are a fan of the X-Men franchise, I would proceed with caution. I can tolerate The Last Stand on one viewing, but this Origins tale is easily the worst of the franchise. Hated it when I saw it in theaters and I hate it more even now. Maybe if they focused more on developing the script and put more focus on the details, they would have done the story of Wolverine more justice. I will give Ryan Reynolds all the credit in the world though. He steals every scene he is in, even as poor CGI version of Deadpool. Oh and that Taylor Kitsch fellow showed so much promise as Gambit. If only he knew how to pick his projects better and not star in two of the biggest bombs of 2012. But I digress.

And that is all for superhero month. Thank goodness this is over. For those of you who are wondering what movies I am going to torture myself with next, here is my current plan.

Without a doubt, I am going to do my review of Alien Resurrection in the next week or so in celebration of the release of Prometheus next Friday. Afterwards, I am going to review the following films in order, but with no exact timeframe for the month of June.

Howard the Duck

Godzilla (1998)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

The Adventures of Pluto Nash (since the 10th anniversary of this bomb is close)

Junior

Yep, a bunch of disasters financially and/or critically…and a pregnant Arnold Schwarzenegger “comedy”. Boy am I in for a rough month.

[Old Man Jenkins]

You should give the Super Marios Bros. Movie the craptacular treatment one of these days.

[Clappy]

You should give the Super Marios Bros. Movie the craptacular treatment one of these days.

I definitely will consider that. And alas, Prometheus is already out, but I didn't post my review of Alien Resurrection. I have failed . I will post that next regardless though. Gonna watch it and have it reviewed by this weekend hopefully.

[Clappy]

Ok so Alien Resurrection clearly didn't happen. Also, took a bit of a break from watching so many bad movies. However, this short hiatus is over. I will return tonight....but not with one of the installments listed above. Nope. My return will be with something special...

[ClassicNickelodeon Fan 1]

Gee, I wonder what it could be?

[JCM]

I will return tonight

is it tonight yet

[Clappy]

Thank you for pointing out that it is indeed tonight JCM. Sorry to keep you folks waiting, but without further ado here is the victim of my long awaited return….

Oh Adam Sandler. You are often the punch line of one too many jokes around these parts. Do you really deserve it though? Once upon a time, I use to enjoy your movies. I was sincerely a fan. Sure they were always poorly received, but you knew your target demographic well and nailed it every time. You really did deserve being one of the most bankable stars in Hollywood. However, over the last five years, something suddenly happened. Your target audience grew up, or at least I did. I started seeing past your shlock and realized you weren’t even trying anymore.

The saddest thing about this is that we allowed Adam Sandler to get to this point. The former SNL star started strong with raunchy silliness like Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison, then descended into a series of increasingly lazy and self-serving movies like 2010’s Grown Ups, a.k.a. When Former Cast Members of SNL Got Paid to Take a Vacation and Conveniently Filmed It or 2011’s Just Go With It, a.k.a. Adam Sandler Gets Paid to Take a Vacation to Hawaii and fuck Brooklynn Decker (which I admit to enjoying this movie). For 15 years no studio executives (especially Sony) have told Sandler no, and when it comes to his Happy Madison produced films, nobody has bothered to challenge him. Well ladies and gentlemen, this is where Sandler’s career took a nosedive.

Tonight we have Jack & Jill, in which Sandler plays two equally detestable characters, one of them in drag, and threads the thinnest of plots through a series of sketch set-ups that almost instantly wear out their welcome. Jack is a successful Los Angeles advertising exec -- speaking of which, when was the last time any Sandler character didn't live in a giant house and was super rich? -- whose twin sister Jill comes from the Bronx for Thanksgiving. Jill's character traits are pretty much the entire plot: she's fat and pushy, speaks in a nasal quasi-New York Jewish accent, doesn't understand any form of technology, can't get a date with her life depending on it and just wants twin brother Jack's love, which he withholds to a degree that would make him the villain in any sane family comedy, but doesn’t because he is Adam Sandler and we aren’t suppose to intentionally hate him.

The only attempt at any actual plot whatsoever comes in the unlikely form of Al Pacino, whom Jack is trying to convince to star in a Dunkin' Donuts ad (more on that later), and who inexplicably takes a liking to Jill, inviting her to his house for homemade cakes, a poorly planned indoor stickball game, and eventually a helicopter ride to the Spanish castle where he's preparing to play Don Quixote in Man of La Mancha. Now I would pay to see that. I’ll admit that it's kind of brilliant to have Al Pacino bring his gonzo, nutbar performing style to a comedy, but Jack & Jill doesn't provide the goods, sticking Pacino in situations with limited potential, like answering a cell phone call in the middle of a Shakespeare performance, or speaking unfunny poor French to his waiter. Sandler doesn't make much of a sparring partner either -- even as the rambunctious Jill, he's weirdly reserved and unwilling, like an improv actor who won't pick up what his partner is offering.

It's not so much that the jokes in Jack & Jill aren't funny, which they uniformly are not, or that the premise is silly. It's that there's absolutely no effort at creating characters on which to hang this flimsy story, saddling Jill with a bunch of annoying quirks that don't add up to any real human being, and letting Sandler react to her with such hostility and unaware, shmucky selfishness that you start to assume this must be a reflection of him in real life. The movie is too lazy to even come up with supporting characters-- Katie Holmes is the standard-issue scolding wife that is way too hot for Adam Sandler, and then the rest of the cast is either Sander favorites with a handful of lines (David Spade, Nick Swardson, Tim Meadows, Norm MacDonald, Allen Covert, usual cameo from Rob Schneider, the unfunny Farley brother, even a surprising, yet wasted appearance from Dana Carvey) or some of the most random celebrity cameos you've ever seen, from Shaq to Jared the Subway Guy to Kris Jenner to, I swear to God what was he thinking, Johnny Depp. Nobody is acting, or even seems to particularly care they're onscreen. They're collecting paychecks and tossing the result at the audience they're confident will lap it up.

Oh and speaking of paychecks, Sony is doing endorsements out of the ass with this one. From Dunkin’ Doughnuts to Royal Caribbean cruise lines, it is hard to not be able to indicate commercializing when you see it. It’s like at every turn, Happy Madison has some sort of conveniently placed product placement that it gets you frustrated and wonder what it has to do with the storyline. Jack and Jill almost makes The Wizard look bad in that area, but at least Sony didn’t promote themselves by having Jack and Jill play Playstation Move or PSVita…or whatever you PS fanboys are into these days.

Directed with the customary lack of effort by Dennis Dugan and slopped over with sticky sentimentality in its final moments to mask its overall meanness, Jack & Jill is so bad that you know the people who made it knew better, but simply didn't care enough to fix it. They're pandering to anyone who ever bought tickets to a Happy Madison production, and by buying into this one, you'd only be encouraging them to get worse. Stop the madness. Avoid this.

You stopped the madness? You avoided this? Good news, you have helped put a well deserved knife in Sandler’s box office magic. I refuse to even give this movie any Baby Sandlers because that would be rubbing Adam Sandler’s ego into thinking someone actually admired him for doing this movie. At first, I thought there was no way that Jack and Jill could be this bad. There is no way that it deserved to clean sweep the Razzies. Well ladies and gents, out of all the 2011 releases this year, it actually deserved that honor. Fuck this movie, fuck Adam Sandler, fuck Happy Madison, fuck Baby Sandlers. I give this piece of shit 5 somethings out of 5. Probably the second worst movie I’ve ever reviewed on this thread.

Sorry for the lack of videos, images, and what not, but I was in a rush to write this so I wouldn't disappoint whatever audience I have. Hopefully I'll get around to reviewing some of the movies I listed last time, but I'll let the element of surprise take place into what I review around these parts.

[Clappy]

Going back to my request list for my next craptastic review. Coming at some point tonight after work or tomorrow, I present to you all the next victim:

[Clappy]

I dedicate this next review to my awesome friend, Old Man Jenkins. This review is based off your request.

How to start off this review? Should I point out that George Lucas was heavily involved with this film? Should I rip off the Nostalgia Critic’s duck tits joke? Should I mention that this was somehow a Marvel comic? What should I do? Should I point out this was suppose to be a kid’s film? Should I mention all the non-kid references like Playboy parodies, alcohol, etc.? Should I just point out the laziest universe ever is all ducks? What should I do? Looks like I’m starting this review off with a very poor and unnecessary LeBron James Nike parody.

Let's start looking over this massive piece of shit.

Howard (voiced by Chip Zien…who has appeared in nothing significant since this) lives on Duckworld, a planet just like Earth but inhabited by anthropomorphic ducks because the universe was running out of half-assed dimensions. One night, as he reads the latest issue of Playduck Magazine, his armchair begins to quake violently as Howard thinks it is an earthquake…what, no duck puns this early? No earthquack? I’m actually ashamed. Howard ends up getting propelled out of his apartment building and into outer space. I wish I had a visual sequence of this. Not only to show off the disturbing duck tits, but to show the narrator is mentioning the deep universe of space and Howard flying and screaming…IN SPACE, WHERE NOT EVEN A DUCK CAN BREATHE…as the opening title drops. These whole first ten minutes alone show you that this is going to be an incredibly bad movie.

Anyway, our hero Bird Man eventually ends up on Earth, in Cleveland, Ohio. Upon arriving, Howard encounters a girl being attacked by thugs and decides to help her out with his unique brand of "Quack Fu". Oh sure, out of all the duck puns, you go for the easy to predict ones. Btw, this leads to one of the problems. The annoying duck puns. This movie is chalk full of bad ones. It’s like the writers were on quack while coming up with this script…see what I did there?? Of course you did. George Lucas probably pissed his pants with laughter reading every single one of these.

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Go ahead and count the amount of duck puns made in these two minutes and watch this horribly choreographed fight scene. Give yourself all the time in the world to make as many quacks at this scene as you want.

Anyway, after the thugs scamper from the brawl for no reason, the girl introduces herself as Beverly (Lea Thompson from Back to the Future), and she is quite the bimbo. You are forewarned that all her dialogue is facepalm worthy. Lorraine Baines, you deserve better than this. Anyway, Beverly was going to leave the duck that saved her life behind, but thanks to the awkward 80s love soundtrack in the background, she has a change of heart and decides to take Howard to her apartment and let him spend the night.

The next day, Beverly takes Howard to a “supposed” scientist by the name of Phil Blumburtt (Tim Robbins), who Beverly hopes can help Howard return to his world. Btw, if there is any annoying actor in this movie, it’s Tim Robbins. Sure he would go on to star in The Shawshank Redemption and Mystic River and make himself out to be one of the most underappreciated actors of the past generation, but he hams this character up big time. I get they are trying to make him out to be a goof, but Tim Robbins can’t even do a proper quacking sound correctly. He and his character are just way too frustrating.

After Phil is revealed to be only a lab assistant, Howard resigns himself to life on Earth and rejects Beverly's aid because hey, he’s a duck. He can go live out by the pond and feed off of worms like any other animal, right? With the help of a no-nonsense secretary, he soon lands a job cleaning up sweat and semen at a local romantic spa. Due to unfair treatment by his boss, Howard ultimately quits his job because there is no such thing as animal resources and returns to Beverly, who plays in a band called Cherry Bomb. At the club where Cherry Bomb is performing, Howard comes across the group's sleazy manager, and confronts the manager when he badmouths the band. Wow, this guy is worse than AW when it comes to promoting his talent (wrestling fans, that reference was for you) Uh oh, I got that feeling again. A BRAWL FOR NO REASON ensues in which quack-fu master Howard is victorious, and he then forces the manager to release Cherry Bomb from their unfair contract.

Howard rejoins Beverly backstage after the band's performance, gives the band their money and accompanies Beverly back to her apartment, where Beverly chooses Howard to be Cherry Bomb's new manager. The two begin to flirt and mess with the idea of sexual intercourse and by this point, I lost all hope in humanity. Thank goodness we are interrupted with Blumburtt and two of his colleagues, Dr. Walter Jenning (Mr. Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) and Larry (I’m not going to even pretend I know who he is), arrive and reveal how Howard came to Earth: earlier, the scientists had been working on a dimensional-jumping device that just happened to be aimed at Howard's universe and brought him to Earth when it was activated. They theorize that Howard can be sent back to his world through a reversal of this same process, so they drive Howard to the lab with the intention of sending him back. At this point, I was hoping that the movie was over because I thought that this movie could not get any worse than smartass talking ducks, stupid humans, horrible puns, and especially hinting at possible animal bestiality, but boy was I wrong.

The device malfunctions upon being used a second time, and Jenning's body is taken over by a life form from a region of space called the Nexus of Sominus. And holy shit at this point I had to stop watching the movie for a while. I was losing sanity. I mean this thing is so fucking stupid. Spoiler alert, but it’s terrible CGI mixed in with the voice of Cobra Commander. It’s just the absolute worst. Look at it!

When the police arrive, the resulting chaos leads Howard, Beverly, and Jenning to escape from the police as Jenning's transformation becomes more apparent. After eluding the police, they arrive at a Cajun sushi diner where the life form introduces itself as a "Dark Overlord of the Universe" and demonstrates its developing mental powers by causing the table condiments to explode. Yes, a big fuck you to ketchup and mustard. Chaos ensues when a group of truckers in the diner begin to insult Howard, resulting in yet another BRAWL FOR NO REASON, which leads to Howard's capture and near-decapitation at the hands of the diner chef. This is a kid’s movie right? Meanwhile, the truckers are scared off when the Dark Overlord destroys the cafe, kidnaps Beverly for whatever reason, and escapes in a semi truck.

Howard then finds Phil and frees him from the police car he had been held in after being arrested for his role in the science center explosion that I almost forgot about due to the absurdness of everything after. On the run, the two discover an Ultralight aircraft, which they use to search for the Dark Overlord and Beverly. I mean come on? Everything is just way too convenient. Now they know how to fly an aircraft? I mean it’s a duck and a dumbass scientist we are talking about people.

Meanwhile, having returned to the lab, the Dark Overlord ties Beverly down to a metal platform, hoping to transfer another one of its kind into her body with the dimension machine. I hope she dies. Howard and Phil return to the lab and apparently destroy the Dark Overlord with an experimental "neutron disintegrator" laser. We get the whole, is he dead or not cliché, but alas he is alive.

However, the weapon only succeeds in extracting the entity from Jennings' body, and the Dark Overlord reveals itself as a monstrous creature. No seriously look at this thing. Terrible CGI at it’s best.

Howard fires the neutron disintegrator at the beast, obliterating it, and destroys the dimension machine, preventing more Dark Overlords from being brought to Earth, but also removing Howard's only chance of returning to his planet. Once again, we get the whole, is he dead or not cliché. I mean twice in one movie is simply pushing it and this movie has already pushed so many buttons already. Once again, he pretends to be possessed, but he is just joshing us. Oh Howard. Howard then becomes Beverly's manager and hires Phil as an employee on her tour. And finally this movie ends.

HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH!

Howard the Duck, the movie, is as bad as you've heard. Actually, it's worse. But its failings as a film have overshadowed the frequently brilliant 1970s comic book that inspired it. Using only the most superficial elements of its source material while discarding most of what made the comic interesting, the film serves as a textbook example of how to turn something into nothing. From bad puns to horrible acting to one of the shittiest scripts I’ve ever seen, one has to wonder what the hell George Lucas was doing when agreeing to produce a travesty like this.

Poor Baby Sandlers. I have been raping them lately with 5 Baby Sandler pieces of shit. Maybe I should find a somewhat more tolerable film next time? Or maybe I won’t. Btw this review ends with the Top 10 most disturbing Howard the Duck scenes. Especially since I couldn’t find any other scenes to show throughout this review. You’re welcome.

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[Clappy]

Let me post the teaser trailer for the next movie I am reviewing. This will arrive on Saturday or Sunday.

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You got to admit that the teaser for this makes this look super exciting, amirite? Well boy was I wrong...

[Old Man Jenkins]

Ah, the American Godzilla, or simply "Zilla" as the Japanese calls em in Final Wars. Can't wait to revisit this. For some reason, my mom really likes this movie.

[Clappy]

Once again, I’m sorry for the delay of this review. But let’s skip right onto my victim this time.

I remember seeing this movie for a belated birthday party when I turned nine. I was so excited to watch this due to my love of dinosaurs. As a kid, I loved anything involving dinosaurs and of course back then I loved this too. Then, I grew up and became the huge movie fan that I am today and had to re-watch this due to how bad I heard this movie was. Which leads me to my next target: Roland Emmerich.

You sir are fucking horrible. I hate your movies. You are no better than Michael Bay when it comes to randomly blowing shit up with natural disasters without a coherent storyline. Sure, I enjoyed Independence Day, but that doesn’t mean you still have a bunch of shit movies on your resume. Fuck Stargate, fuck The Patriot, fuck The Day After Tomorrow, fuck 10,000 B.C., and fuck 2012. I haven’t bothered to watch Anonymous yet, but if you got as serious as you tried to do with The Patriot, then it’s probably going to be horrible too. Still, when I heard that Godzilla was probably the worst film on your resume, I thought to myself that it just couldn’t be that bad.

Will I be disappointed? Of course I will be since I’m reviewing it on this thread, but let’s start this thing already.

The movie starts by following a nuclear incident in French Polynesia. A lizard's nest is irradiated by the fallout of subsequent radiation. Decades later, a Japanese fishing vessel is suddenly attacked by an enormous sea creature in the South Pacific ocean. Wow, the Japs getting attacked by a monster, how original. Only one seaman survives…hehe semen, sorry I just had to. Traumatized by the attack, he is questioned by a mysterious Frenchman in a hospital regarding what he saw. As he waves a lighter, the elderly seaman replies, "Gojira". Thus the movie title Gojira…nah I’m just kidding.

We are then introduced to one of the more frustrating last names in cinema history, Dr. Niko Tatopoulos (Matthew Broderick). Interesting factoid here, but Emmerich wanted the lead character to have the last name Tatopoulos because of how impressed he was by the special effects artist, Patrick Tatopoulous, work on this film. I want to know what the hell Emmerich was smoking because the special effects in this movie kinda sucked ass compared to other films during this time. Hell even Stargate and Independence Day had much better special effects in those films compared to this shit.

Anyway, Niko Tatopoulos…ah fuck it I’m just gonna call him Nick from here on out, is an NRC scientist, who is in the Chernobyl exclusion zone in Ukraine researching the effects of radiation on wildlife, but not just any wildlife. It’s worms! Which is why Nick is referred to the worm guy by his peers; also because he is socially awkward. Which might I point out is one of the common themes in any Roland Emmerich movie: a nerdy white guy who is socially awkward. You just can’t break stereotypes like Michael Bay having a hot sexy woman who is smart and powerful, but has to wear as little clothing as possible and Paul W.S. Anderson constantly trying to make Milla Jojovich happen, when she clearly can’t act worth a damn. I could sit here and point out director’s movie stereotypes all day, but I digress.

Nick is suddenly interrupted by the arrival of an official from the U.S. State Department. He is sent to Tahiti and Jamaica, escorted by the military, to observe the wreckage of the recovered Japanese fishing trawler with massive claw marks on it. The French are also present, observing the scene, and the most important to us of all these French introduces himself as Philippe Roaché (Jean Reno), an insurance agent.

Ok, time out. One too many lolwuts have happened in one sitting. Where to start? First of all, isn’t Nick the worm guy? Why the hell is his special presence required to observe attacks by radioactive giant lizards or fishing vessels? This wouldn’t have bugged me if it wasn’t the whole team, but nope, it was just the worm enthusiast. Secondly, why the French? This doesn’t involve them whatsoever, but then again, it doesn’t involve Americans either. But an insurance agent is the most important of the French? What’s he going to do? Tell the elderly Japanese man that he saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico? Oh and on a less important note, Jesus Christ! How many different locations are they going to take us in the first ten minutes of this movie?

Aboard a military aircraft, Nick identifies skin samples he discovered in the shipwreck as belonging to an unknown species. He dismisses the military's theory that the creature is a living dinosaur because he clearly knows all since he is the worm guy. Instead, Nick deducts that it is a mutant created by nuclear testing. The large reptilian creature dubbed as "Godzilla" by the media, definitely not the Japs, travels to New York City leaving a path of destruction in its wake. Oh and New York City is enduring one of the most sustained rainfalls in movie history. because it never stops raining during this. The NYC mayor tells the citizens to evacuate as the military attempts to kill it, but they fail in an initial attempt as Godzilla gets away.

Sigh..where to start? First, how can you lose a 20 story high dinosaur in one of the biggest cities in the world? I mean it’s not like Godzilla can just throw on his invisibility cloak and just hide. How can he hide here anyway? It’s a city of at least 8 million fucking people. I am pretty sure someone would notice a fucking radioactive lizard. Also, wasn’t it a little too soon to reference the 1993 World Trade Center bombings as the second worst event to happen to the city? A little cold-hearted to have that line in there (note: 9/11 happened three years later). Oh and the set destruction was poor at best. I mean there are buildings still standing with giant holes in them. Logically, buildings should collapse entirely when radioactive lizards attack them, but the MetLife building below does not.

Oh and as for the mayor and his assistant, I see what Emmerich did there. He named them Siskel and Ebert as a jab at the two critics who constantly bash his movies. Spoiler alert, they both end up living. However, if Emmerich really wanted to take a jab at two of America’s most beloved critics, he should have had Godzilla kill off both of them. What a missed opportunity.

Anyway, since they barely learned anything the first time they failed, they want to lure Godzilla out from hiding. But wait a minute, how are they going to try and get a giant lizard to come out of hiding in his secluded 8 million populated location? By a large quantity of fish. LIZARDS DON’T EAT FISH YOU IDIOTS! THEY EAT BUGS! COME ON WORM GUY, YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS! But all Nick can say about that is:

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Definitely one of the worst movie quotes I’ve ever heard. Someone should have told Godzilla that lizards don’t eat fish because the trap succeeds and for the first time, we get to finally see Godzilla in all his 90s CGI glory.

As you couldn’t tell based off my earlier paragraph, the CGI in this movie blows compared to previous Emmerich films. For a man who made aliens look very lifelike just two years before this, he and his motley crew manages to make Godzilla look more like a poorly constructed Muppet than a vicious radioactive lizard.

Anyway, as the creature from Jim Henson’s reject bin is devouring his illogical meal, the military attacks and once again Godzilla goes on a rampage. But alas, Godzilla starts to defy logic again as he breathes fire, something that lizards once again should not do. Even then, his fire breathing capabilities don’t do as much damage to the city as the military does. These guys seriously have some of the worst aim ever. He is 20 stories tall, how the hell can you miss this walking target, which walks away unharmed? Btw, if you want to watch the military’s attack sequence, just insert any other action movie from before Godzilla’s time period. You really aren’t missing much. But of course, after the military causes three times the damage that Godzilla does, the radioactive lizard gets away again.

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Side note: Godzilla dry humping the building is probably the funniest thing in this movie.

However, not all is lost. At least they feed him and Nick was capable of collecting a blood sample. However, we get one of the worst twists I’ve ever seen as Nick learns that Godzilla reproduces asexually and is collecting food for its offspring. Words cannot describe how hard my palm hit my face when I watched this. Producing asexually? Really? Why bother to go this route? Can’t they have come up with something better than the whole pregnant creature route? The Alien series is a repeat offender of this, but at least those movies are good because thought goes into most of the movies from that franchise. All Emmerich just wants to do is destroy CGI buildings that won’t completely collapse.

Anyway, aspiring journalist and ex-girlfriend of Nick, Audrey Timmonds (Maria Pitillo), uncovers a classified tape in his provisional military tent which concerns the origins of the lizard. Of course, they touch upon their past, before she uses him to further her career, but this whole love story is so half-assed, why should we even bother to care? Her superior Charles Caiman (Harry Shearer) however, declares the tape as his own media discovery. The tape is broadcast on television embarrassing the military on the sensitive nature of the situation. Honestly though, he should have used the tapes of the military failing at damaging Godzilla, that would be even more embarrassing.

Nick ends up getting thrown off the team because how dare he be responsible for the military failing at doing their jobs. But, he ends up getting kidnapped by insurance agent Roaché, who reveals himself to be an agent of the French Secret Service. He and his colleagues have been keeping close watch on the events and are planning to cover up their role in the nuclear accident that spawned the creature. Suspecting a nest somewhere in the city, they cooperate with Nick to trace and destroy it.

Following a chase with Godzilla…again, the creature dives into the Hudson River where it is attacked by a Navy submarine. After sustaining head-on collisions with torpedoes, the beast sinks after being incapacitated. Good job seamen, you are doing our country proud. Believing it is finally dead, the army celebrates for the navy succeeding in what they failed at doing. Nick and Roaché's special operations team, covertly followed by Timmonds and her cameraman Victor "Animal" Palotti (Hank Azaria with one of the worst New York accents I’ve ever seen), make their way through underground subway tunnels to Madison Square Garden. There, they locate numerous eggs, having finally found the nest of asexually produced offspring. As they attempt to destroy them by planting explosives, the eggs suddenly hatch. Sensing the human intruders as food, they begin attacking them.

It was at this point, that it finally occurred to me where I’ve seen this movie before. It is a half-assed version of Jurassic Park. I mean you can watch this sequence and realize that Jurassic Park already did all of this, even the sequence of opening every door to see a baby Zilla. Nick, Roaché, Timmonds and Palotti take refuge in the coliseum's broadcast booth and send a live news report to alert the military of what will happen if the lizards escape, which is pretty much make the military look like damn fools again. Just because they don’t want to make themselves look like even bigger dumbasses who can’t aim worth a damn, a prompt response involving an airstrike is initiated as the four escape moments before the arena is bombed. At least they could make that target.

Uh oh, Godzilla however, survived the torpedo attack earlier underwater and emerges from the venue's ruins. Godzilla: Resurrection, he truly is a holy radioactive mutant. Discovering all of his offspring dead, it roars in anger and chases Nick, Roaché, Timmonds, and Palotti through the streets of Manhattan. In pursuit of the quartet in a hilarious chase scene where they outwit the lizard one too many times to make this too convenient, Godzilla eventually makes its way to the Brooklyn Bridge.

The creature helplessly becomes trapped in its steel suspension cables, making it an easy target...but you can never tell with this military. After being attacked by military aircraft, it falls to the ground and slowly dies. Of course they have the whole sequence where we are suppose to feel bad for the monster, but Nick and everyone else start to celebrate soon after. Meanwhile, amidst the Garden's ruins, a lone egg has survived the aerial bombardment and begins to hatch. This opens the potential for even more sequels, but who gives a shit because this movie sucked ass bad enough to kill the franchise stateside for 14 years and counting.

This was easily one of the most, idiotic blockbusters I have ever watched. It’s like spitting into the wind, then having the saliva fly back and hit you in the face. It contains a stupid story, inaccurate science, and basic implausibility. Oh and let’s not forget the bad acting. Most of this cut rate cast was easily plucked from a 1998 edition of TV Guide. Hell, this contains three Simpsons voice actors alone (Azaria, Cartwright, Shearer). However, despite all the griping, this just isn’t a five Baby Sandler movie. It was painful, but the more I look back as I write this review, the more I can’t help but laugh at how horrible this was. Don’t get me wrong though, this movie was absolute horseshit and I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone.

Oh and to make matters worse, we even got a Godzilla music video as a special feature on the DVD. I had to watch just for the lulz and of course it just has to be Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Diddy behind it. I attached it to emphasize the mediocrity of this film. Sorry sir, but you can’t save this heaping pile of dino droppings.

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[SG19]

Can you critique The Day After Tomorrow? I honestly liked it.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Clappy, "No Holds Barred", brother!

[Steel Sponge]

Do you do animated bad-films?

[Macseed]

Do you do animated bad-films?

He did Howard the Duck, right? (Is that animated?)

I'd recommend Planet 51, but that movies seems great compared to the ones you reviewed.