Clappy Ranks The Yearly Domestic Box Office Top 100 (2003)

[Amphibia]

I never liked Chicken Little, it was not the best animated film for Disney in 2005.

 

Also, why does YTV loves Sharkboy & Lavegirl? seriously, i can't stand it this watching itt, the 3D gags were annoying a lot.

 

Anyways, ooking forward to your top 10, Claps

[Clappy]

Sigh….

 

Coming up with a best list was….surprisingly easy.  I do genuinely like all ten movies that are represented.  Are they all perfect?  No.  I’m just saying that I can already tell that other years I’ll be doing will probably have a lot better material to choose from compared to the lesser portion of good material that we got this year.  So let’s get this party started.  We are counting down.

 

CLAPPY’S TOP 10 BEST HIT FILMS OF 2005

 

Spoiler

…sigh.  Words cannot express how disappointed I was with Disney this year.  If Disney is not interested in making compelling animated movies in 2005, we had to look elsewhere.  DreamWorks?  The original Madagascar was extremely mediocre.  Thank goodness we got sequels that made the franchise more memorable.  Wallace and Gromit…..unpopular opinion alert, but Wallace and Gromit was fine.  Not the masterpiece that I know some people make it out to be….sorry Jjs and Patty, please don’t ban me =/.  What about Blue Sky……oh dear god I can’t even.  Sorry guys, but Robots has not aged well.  At all.  It should have made my dishonorable mentions list.  That movie is another good example as to how clichéd kids film were back then.  Well if the so called Big 3 can’t provide us with a memorable animated film this year, some studio had to.

Thank god for Laika and Tim Burton.

 

10. Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride

 

 

Year End Ranking: 51

 

This is honestly one of the more underrated Tim Burton movies.  He will always be one of my favorite directors, despite most of his latest films being somewhat underwhelming.  While Corpse Bride doesn’t take too many risks outside of what you expect from Tim Burton films, it’s the animation that takes my breath away.  Its characters are imaginatively brought to life and the settings are evocative.  Like this movie spoke for its own with its damn great animation.  Not to mention that Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter deliver like always in Tim Burton films.  Sure these two can be massively clichéd as their overly driven characters, but here they dial it down a bit and just simply tell a damn great morbid love story with a great twist.  And my god, the musical aspect of this is incredibly underrated.  Highly recommend checking this one out guys.

 

Spoiler

You know I can understand nominating based off of strong acting performances, but how did the Academy not even consider this for best picture?

 

9. Walk The Line

 

 

Year End Ranking: 16

 

This Johnny Cash biopic is so well done.  Maybe it’s due to the fact that I was raised in a strong country music influenced house.  The Man in Black was one of my favorite artists growing up and while modern country (and by modern I mean late 90s/early 2000s) was still good at the time, nothing could beat the classics from the like of this man.  The most surprising element from this was how damn good Joaquin Phoenix was as Johnny Cash.  Like if that was his original singing, why the hell aren’t we giving this man more credit for being one of the best actors of his generation.  Reese Witherspoon deserves her recognition as June Carter Cash btw because she was equally as strong.  Just damn good acting that translated to a damn good biopic.  It’s a shame that it got robbed of a Best Picture Nom for well…you know.  Fuck Crash.

 

Spoiler

Once upon a time, R rated comedies were standard fare in the 80s.  But then the PG-13 rating was brought into the mix and we started to see less and less film studios take a risk with R rated comedies because studios didn’t want to take that much of a financial risk.  Well if 2005 cinema did anything right, we started to get great R rated comedies again with two being massively successful.  I’ll get to the other later, but let’s start with the one that made more money but is still pretty hilarious.

 

8. Wedding Crashers

 

 

Year End Ranking: 6

 

This would have been higher if it didn’t nearly fall apart in the last third of the movie, but my god is 67% of this movie laugh out loud hilarious.  Taking such a sleazy concept and giving it tons of heart.  Ask me ten years ago and I can easily say that the best parts of the movie were Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn’s chemistry and while I still stand by how good their chemistry is, I think I love Isla Fisher and Bradley Cooper’s supporting roles far more because both just do a damn great job.  Hell, Christopher Walken is still equally as great of a scene stealer as the crazy politician father.  Btw, even with the somewhat mediocre third portion and the grating cameo (Will Ferrell btw, not one of his better roles), it still ends strong and I still love this enough to put it in my Top 10.

 

Spoiler

Ugh, romantic comedies became such a massive cliché of themselves in the 2000s and are still today.  This genre can seriously blow me.  But even then, I can’t hate them all entirely.  Every now and then, we still get a damn good one.

 

7. Hitch

 

 

Year End Ranking: 11

 

And at least the one that got massively popular was a damn good one at that.  But allow me to get the obvious remark out of the way.  This movie would not work if Will Smith wasn’t involved.  Remove Will Smith entirely and you just get a bunch of awkward air space and Kevin James making a massive fool out of himself.  Every single aspect of this movie works because Will Smith is the man.  This is Will Smith bringing it the only way he knows how to deliver.  Being cool, clear, and precise.  Will Smith freaking owned this past decade and while he is still trying to rediscover himself these past few years, I’m all but willing to wait if he delivers more awesome movies like Hitch.

 

Spoiler

What can I say?  This got robbed.

 

6. Brokeback Mountain

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMPaZif99wU

 

Year End Ranking: 22

 

This was a romance far ahead of its time frame.  Release this ten years….hell release this five years down the line when gay rights started to become more focused in a modern sense, this would be a no brainer best picture.  Hell, this was a no brainer best picture winner ten years ago.  The Academy flabbergasts me sometimes.

 

Besides the obvious snub, I personally don’t consider this my favorite picture of 2005 and somewhat over glorified, it’s still a very good movie.  Everyone from Jake Gylenhaal to Heath Ledger to Anne Hathaway just brings their A games to this and sell the hell out of their personal struggles, their conflictions, their emotions.  I had to bring a box of tissues, this broke my heart.  This movie doesn’t dwell over the fact that they are typecasting their actors based off their orientations like SOME MOVIES….god fuck Crash.  Fuck it to hell.  No, this movie is about two people who are deeply genuinely in love.  That’s all I ask for in a movie is to make me feel something and my god do they make me feel.

 

If I had one minor nitpick to make, this movie does tend to drag at some points, but even then, the big scenes absolutely deliver.  I recommend this movie.

 

Spoiler

You know despite such a HUGE book following, I’m legitimately surprised most of these movies did not earn more at the domestic box office.  Oh well, DIFFICULT TIMES LIE AHEAD HARRY!

 

5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

 

 

Year End Ranking: 3

 

God I freaking love this book series.  While I don’t think the movies felt nearly as epic as the books made them out to be, I still thought they were very good adaptations.  However, it’s honestly difficult for me to rank them all because none of the adaptations really stood out for me as being the GOAT adaptation.  However, if I had to rank the upper echelon of Harry Potter adaptations, this would definitely be up there.  While Prisoner of Azkaban was my favorite of the book series, the adaptation was rather lackluster.  However, The Goblet of Fire adaptation was not disappointing.  I’m legitimately surprised that Mike Newell wasn’t asked to direct another adaptation.  Hell, even Christopher Columbus was asked back for a second one.  Mike Newell brought higher level of maturity and sophistication of its characters, plotline, writing and performances of his lead actors. 

 

Spoiler

….yeah Robert Rodriguez cut the crap out with the mediocre family dramas and just deliver the damn great action movies we all know you are capable of.

 

4. Sin City

 

 

Year End Ranking: 32

 

Holy mother of god.  Out of all the action movies we got in the 2000s, this is one of the ones that has aged the best.  Its film rendering is to die for.  Like it always blows me away with the amount of storytelling it just delivers to you by just simply being in black and white and retaining certain colors just to deliver another aspect to the ever evolving story.  And that’s not just me talking.  Every person that I know praises this movie just for the cinematography and I can’t blame them.  It’s one of the best of this decade at doing it.

 

All that aside, this movie delivers in it’s all star cast, direction, everything.  I love this movie and even though the sequel lost some of that original representation that the first movie had a ton of, it doesn’t damage everything that the original Sin City stood for.

 

Spoiler

Despite Brokeback Mountain being the popular consensus pick for Best Picture of 2005, I still can’t fully support it.  Because the best picture of that list of nominees was this:

3. Capote

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjvBYqp8b6U

 

Year End Ranking: 95

 

So let me put this plain and simple.  Phillip Seymour Hoffman was OUTSTANDING as writer Truman Capote.  Like his performance alone is easily better than every performance on this list.  Period.  Even then, this is just an interesting insight into the life of a man who’s greatest achievement is the surrendering of his own self-respect.  Just everyone in this movie is spot on, but this is as damn good of a one man performance as you’ll ever see in a movie this compelling.  Like this is one of the best performances you’ll ever see in a movie.  It’s up there with Orson Welles in Citizen Kane, Marlon Brando in The Godfather, Jack Nicholson in The Shining, Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption.  I mean this is the perfect example of character study 101.  At least watch that trailer and tell me that’s not a great interpretation of Truman Capote….even if you don’t know who he is.  Then watch it.  You won’t regret it.

 

Spoiler

Hmm an awards bait movie isn’t #1?  What could Clappy possibly find better than that?  Well, time for me to lose all credibility at being taken seriously:

 

 

I don’t care if you judge.  I fucking love this movie.

 

2. The 40 Year Old Virgin

 

 

Year End Ranking: 19

 

One of the best comedies of the past decade.  Who would have thought that at the time of production, this was unheard of?  A plethora of great reviews and good will translating to box office success later, now we look back at all the careers this helped launch to another level: Steve Carrell, Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen, Romany Malco, Elizabeth Banks, Leslie Mann, Judd Apatow, Jane Lynch, Kat Dennings, Jonah Hill.  I mean you could argue from that list who actually became a star and who didn’t, but dear god did this help launch so many actors, actresses, directors, writers, etc. of the past ten years.  Even if Judd Apatow movies haven’t aged well after this one, he still has being the mastermind behind The 40 Year Old Virgin on his resume.  If The Wedding Crashers was the beginning of the R rated comedy revival, The 40 Year Old Virgin secured any initial doubts that there is plenty of money to be made with actually good jokes.  

 

Spoiler

Now I know what you are all thinking.  What on god’s green Earth could be my number one?  Well if you know anything about me, you’ll remember one of my more infamous Crap Cinema reviews.  I tortured myself as I sat through a film so bad that it disgraced one of my childhood heroes.  The movie was so bad that it nearly killed one of the biggest pop culture icons in Hollywood.  Nobody wanted to touch this property in fear of having to revive the previous torture that was the last installment.   Well one brave man took on this task and delivered something that would take this icon to a whole new level that not even the 1989 installment took it towards.  So not only was my number one movie my favorite of this year, but it’s a damn good tale of redemption.  And that name is spelled B-A-T-M-A-N.

 

1. Batman Begins

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vak9ZLfhGnQ

 

Year End Ranking: 8

 

The first time watching this just felt like an absolute delight as I knew what Christopher Nolan was capable of.  Even then he still managed to defy my expectations by crafting a story that just felt real.  It was just something I didn’t expect with the superhero movies I witnessed before its time.  The emotions that Bruce Wayne felt watching his parents get murdered at a young age just felt like it was happening to me.  Watching him grow into the man he ended become felt like a real connection.  His training through Ra’s al-Ghul I felt the torture, pain, and suffering.  The story, psychological elements, and the reality just worked in ways I didn’t expect walking into the movie.  I’m not calling this a perfect by any means.  Even with it being at my number one spot, the movie does have its moments that drag, but I’m more than willing to forgive it for that by actually crafting its characters so damn near perfectly that I can love it just as much for its flaws.  This movie was a perfect start towards one hell of an excellent trilogy.

 

So there we go.  That’s my best list.  Have any questions?  See any movies that didn’t get listed that you want to know my brief input on?  Comment below and I’ll gladly answer them.

 

And while we are at it, allow me to expose what year I’ll be tackling next.  As I mentioned at Post #1, I use Random Integer.com where I pull my years literally at random.  Sure it may have given me the god forsakenly bad year that was 2005, but I can assure you guys, the year it gave me next I’m more than positive will make up for the lousy first year I tackled.

 

1994

 

Hell.  Yes.  Tune in August as I tackle this excellent year next.

[Katniss]

I definitely agree with a lot of your best choices. Corpse Bride, Walk the Line, Brokeback, Batman Begins, and Capote are all pretty dang good in their own right.

[Metal Snake]

Definitely agree with Corpse Bride, Harry Potter, and Batman Begins being on here. I understand you not being fond of Robots, it's not very good minus a few pretty funny jokes. I won't get on you about Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit not being on here, despite me loving it. I think the half-hour long animations are better.

[Burgerpants]

Where would you put these on your list?
- Star Wars Episode III (Because, yanno, Star Wars and it being #1 movie of the year)

- King Kong (Great popcorn movie IMO)

- Are We There Yet? (Looks shitty)

- Be Cool (heard it was shit)

- Hoodwinked (The only movie I noticed was absent from your animation talkings.)

- The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (Personally thought it was fine except for wasted potential)

- House Of Wax (Aka the movie where Paris Hilton dies with nothing else of notice)

- Serenity (It's Josh Whedon. That is all.)

[Clappy]

Where would you put these on your list?

- Star Wars Episode III (Because, yanno, Star Wars and it being #1 movie of the year)

- King Kong (Great popcorn movie IMO)

- Are We There Yet? (Looks shitty)

- Be Cool (heard it was shit)

- Hoodwinked (The only movie I noticed was absent from your animation talkings.)

- The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (Personally thought it was fine except for wasted potential)

- House Of Wax (Aka the movie where Paris Hilton dies with nothing else of notice)

- Serenity (It's Josh Whedon. That is all.)

While I don't have actual numerical rankings for the rest of these, I'll gladly let you know if it's good, bad, etc.

Episode 3 - I love Star Wars and the prequels honestly get way too much hate, but even then, I still think the prequels could have been handled a lot better. Revenge of the Sith is definitely the best of them and I enjoyed it. Way too many complaints though for a movie I like regarding unfocused subplots, dragging, and too many minor characters. My main complaint is being how laughably bad Hayden Christensen gets here. Like his turn to the dark side is just executed so hilariously and my god, him killing the children I can't take seriously at all. But yeah, I genuinely like 70% of this movie. I would give it about a 7/10.

King Kong - I use to really like the recent remake, but man, it has not held up well. The CGI still holds up pretty well though and Kong himself is just a sight to behold. However, three whole fucking hours and you hesitate for nearly 30-40% of the movie to finally reveal King Kong after so much mediocre writing. I also think that Adrien Brody has not held up well as our main male lead. He gets near Jeff Goldblum Lost World levels of tediously boring. Hell, I didn't even mind Jack Black in his somewhat serious role. He's actually decent here. But yeah, I would probably give King Kong the same 7/10 rating as Episode 3.

Are We There Yet - Mediocre family comedy. Ice Cube gets neutered badly, but at least there is some heart behind this and I actually feel like the kids here are not grating little twats because they actually expose the reason behind them being brats. 4.5/10

Be Cool - Massively disappointing shit. However, The Rock steals in his minor role and really made me forgive how humiliating trite the rest of the movie is. Probably should have been one of my dishonorable mentions in retrospect. 3/10.

Hoodwinked - Very boring and uninspired. Animation hasn't held up well. Definition of a 4/10 movie because at least some of the jokes were ok.

Hitchhiker's Guide - As you said, it was harmless. But holy crap this could have been executed 10 times better and could have actually had a lasting impression. The source material alone deserves a far better adaptation and I seriously hope this gets revisited for remake material someday. 5.5/10

House of Wax - Honestly Paris Hilton's death was amazing. It was so bad it's good. Rest of the movie was bland af, which is disappointing because I wasn't expecting it to be good with the talent involved, but at least memorable outside of that one death scene because the original is a horror classic. 4/10.

Serenity - I know I'm going to piss people off, but maybe if I actually watched the show I would get the movie a lot better. Because I tried watching it without the show and I was lost. I mean it was fine for a sci-fi flick. Not really harmless. Just confusing. I still think the acting was fine for what it was and I love me some Nathan Fillion. I might have to revisit this someday when I actually watch the show because I can't really rate this.

[Wumbo]

Capote <33

 

Awesome lists, Claps! Can't wait to see 1994 in August.

[BoJack Horseman]

I'm glad Batman Begins was #1. I loved that movie so much. Great list.

[Less_SpongeBob]

Just as a question, when would you say you'll do the rankings for this year, and what are your qualifications for it?

[Clappy]

Just as a question, when would you say you'll do the rankings for this year, and what are your qualifications for it?

It has to be in the Top 100 of the yearly domestic box office. So for example since I'm tackling 1994 next it has to be one of the Top 100 grossing films of that year. Which you can find that here:

http://www.boxofficemojo.com/yearly/

And if you are curious as to what the 1994 list is, here:

http://www.boxofficemojo.com/yearly/chart/?yr=1994&p=.htm

[Less_SpongeBob]

It has to be in the Top 100 of the yearly domestic box office. So for example since I'm tackling 1994 next it has to be one of the Top 100 grossing films of that year. Which you can find that here:

http://www.boxofficemojo.com/yearly/

And if you are curious as to what the 1994 list is, here:

http://www.boxofficemojo.com/yearly/chart/?yr=1994&p=.htm

 

Yeah, but what if Star Wars Episode VII still ends up selling well in theaters through March

[Clappy]

Yeah, but what if Star Wars Episode VII still ends up selling well in theaters through March

That's why I'm only visiting past years in this topic.

[MMM]

1994 was quite the year for film.

 

Forrest Gump, The Lion King, Pulp Fiction, etc.

 

Excited for this

[Clappy]

1994 was quite the year for film.

Forrest Gump, The Lion King, Pulp Fiction, etc.

Excited for this

Well contain your excitement. I should have the Worst List at least finished this week.

[kylie]

OMG how dare you say anything negative about Shark Boy & Lava Girl?! 

[Clappy]

So we’re in the year 1994 now and this was my freaking childhood.  I am a proud 90s kid.  Yeah our generation is so much better than yours….*sits through most of the list*….is it really now Todd Phillips?

 

Was the 90s really that god-tier when it comes to movies?  I mean I guess with this project I’ll eventually find out.  Make no mistake though, 1994 was a pretty good year for a majority of this list.  It was the year that the prestige award bait films were fantastic.  I will be hard pressed to find a year were I can’t disagree with any of the Best Picture nominees.  Not all of the five will make my personal best list, but I fully supported all five being nominated.  Damn good films.  But of course, you know where I have to start.  It’s the area that gets me the most amount of likes: the worst list.

 

This worst list wasn’t anywhere near as cringe levels of bad that 2005 was, but the movies that ended up or were in consideration for this list I found weren’t just bad, they were boring.  Forgettable.  Bland.  You name a synonym and that was how I felt. 

CLAPPY’S TOP 10 WORST HIT FILMS OF 1994

 

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PPf3aaZmUw

I freaking love The Flintstones.  One of the best classic cartoons.  Hands down.  One of my biggest regrets on this site is my Top 50 television shows of all-time list where I under ranked, over ranked, or completely forgot so many television shows from my lifetime.  Trust me when I say you’ll never see me do another countdown like that EVER again.  But back to The Flintstones, I freaking love this show and the best thing about it is that it has aged well that even my youngest of cousins find amusement over Fred, Barney, Wilma, Betty, etc. and their shenanigans.  That’s why it’s being considered for a reboot by Seth MacFarlane, that’s why we still see them sponsoring vitamins and Fruity Pebbles, that’s why….Hollywood keeps making shitty live action movies.

 

10. The Flintstones

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMnEbfzllso

 

Year End Box Office: 5

 

God why does Hollywood keep trying to sabotage such a classic property like this.  While we did get plenty of shitty animated direct to DVD films, crap spin-offs, and more, I hate this version the most.  Why did Steven Spielberg feel that all the main film topics such as embezzlement, family drama, office politics, cheating on your significant other would work on a children’s movie like The Flintstones?  Hey kids, let’s introduce you to real world problems while shameless plugging our corporate tie-ins and shoe horn so many prehistorically bad puns.  Oh and so many what the hell casting choices.  Who in their right mind thought Rosie O’Donnell should be Betty Rubble?  Why did Rick Moranis keep sabotaging his career with so many bad 90s family films?  What in god’s green Earth inspired one of the best actresses ever Elizabeth Taylor to sign on for this movie?  How many bad movies does Halle Berry have to be involved in to consider her one of the worst best actress winners of all-time?  I will give one actor some credit to saving this movie from being lower on here.  I was actually impressed with John Goodman as Fred Flintstone.  He at least seemed to try here and remind us that he is actually a good actor.  I mean no way in hell could he save such a lifeless script and awful everything else.  But hey, the shitty Flintstone movies didn’t stop here because this was one of the most financially successful movies of the 90s.  Which you know what that means:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqCBEzzXbtY

 

Even shittier sequels….YAY………..fuck me.

 

Spoiler

The man.  The myth.  The legend…eh it’s honestly not as terrible as it’s proclaimed to be but still being a shit movie.

 

9. Street Fighter

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsTKoGcFS78

 

Year End Box Office: 42

 

Yes.  Street Fighter isn’t terrible.  It’s fascinating.  Like I wonder what kind of shit they were on while adapting this.  Its so many bad action sequences and so little talking that I found myself scratching my head over how this is so deeply loathed.  This is just a bad 90s cheese movie with Jean Claude Van Damme hamming it up to tolerable amounts of extremities that he’s fully aware this movie sucks.  It’s a decent amount of self-awareness that I can bear when it comes to these sorts of movies (trust me, I’ll follow up on that later).  But that does not excuse the fact that so much of this movie is still shit.  Horrible writing, irritating characters, but at least subtle about the fact that they know this movie sucks so have fun while doing it.  Like I can’t explain how this isn’t lower.  Maybe because I didn’t find myself as bored, or cringing nearly as much as the rest of this?  Oh and Raul Julia is unintentionally great as M. Bison and spawned us such a wonderful meme.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ

 

Of course I love of course.  Next.

 

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kiJtZUPvJxY

 

Oh wow.  This trailer looks fantastic.  I can’t wait to see this.

 

8. Stargate

 

 

Year End Box Office: 17

 

…oh this is a Roland Emmerich movie isn’t it?  I knew it.

For those of you who haven’t seen my tangents on this guy in the past….and it’s been at least three-four years since I last spoke of the guy….he’s a special sort of talent.  He knows how to sucker in audiences with great trailers only for his movies to be total pieces of shit (except Independence Day, that was an actual great popcorn flick…but it doesn’t need the two sequels it’s getting in the next year or two).

 

So what’s so bad about Stargate?  After all, this movie spawned the television franchise.   Well the movie is just special effect rape-age that even Michael Bay would be totally jealous.  At least Michael Bay movies have plots.  Yes subpar plots, but they are still plots dammit.  Stargate’s plot is just so thin that it can fall through the crack of the floor.  It’s about wormholes, which should give you tons of material to spread it out on, but they don’t do anything exciting with the plot.  At all.  Thankfully, the television series lead to actual effort with a plot this intriguing because the movie is just an absolute special effect raped bore.

 

Spoiler

I know it’s controversial to speak ill of the dead, but this series needed to stop when it did.

 

7. Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQ3p19A1mbw

 

Year End Box Office: 23

 

Leslie Nielsen will always be one of the kings of parody to me. Him and David Zucker were always gold together.  Even when parody started to dry out because you guys won’t tell me otherwise that Scary Movie 3 and 4 were not funny.  And the Naked Gun movies were always freaking hilarious, but maybe this is due to another event that transpired in 1994 with Naked Gun co-star OJ Simpson…but this one felt rather uncomfortable to watch.  Granted he was in the other Naked Gun movies so I have no real reason to hate the others, but at least the other ones were funny.  This one…just wasn’t.  Nothing about the movie was really that funny and I sat there bored more often than not thinking about the OJ incident.  Yeah, the comedy here was straight up bad and wouldn’t you know it, it ended the Naked Gun series as we watched Leslie Nielsen move on to try and find another comedy series to continue his legacy.  So yeah, Naked Gun’s true final insult was just being an absolute unnecessary waste.  Next.

 

 

Spoiler

6. Color of Night

 

 

Year End Box Office: 70

 

Basic Instinct was a very influential movie of its time period.  It showed that sex sells and since it made an obscenely large amount of money doing so, movie studios tried their damn best to replicate that.  So for nearly the next decade or so, we kept getting multiple sexual erotica thrillers and almost all of them were pretty fucking terrible.  Like if you look at the history of the Razzies, the next ten-fifteen years you could probably find a sexual thriller in contention for Worst Picture.  I don’t know if I would consider Color of Night the worst of the genre, but it was pretty fucking awful none the less.  I can totally see why it won worst picture of 1994, but I’ll give it this.  At least it was memorable in how bizarrely bad this was.  There are far too many goofy off the wall moments that this movie is unintentional comedic gold.  Hell, Bruce Willis isn’t even trying here.  Like I can’t tell if he’s trying to be sexual or if he’s trying to overact.  It’s just hilarious.  Don’t get me wrong, this absolutely deserves a place here on the worst list because it’s just a massive failure as cinema, but if I had to recommend any of these worst list contenders for a bad movie night, I would check this one out.

 

Spoiler

One of the things you’ll quickly learn about some of the bad movies of 1994 if you haven’t figured out already is that they are just what the hell were studios thinking.  But at least some of these studios didn’t try to pitch some of these movies to kids….WHAT THE HELL DISNEY!?

 

5. My Father, the Hero

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgEPKXcY5qs

 

Year End Box Office: 54

 

Granted this is a remake of a French foreign film, did ANYONE in the studio look over the plot for this?

 

Plot: A teenage girl on vacation in the Bahamas with her divorced father tries to impress a potential boyfriend by saying that her father is actually her lover.

 

 

The moment I read that plot, I knew I would hate this.  Little did I expect that this bizarre plot gets even more disturbing when nearly EVERYONE believes this and this just gets into absolute pedophile territory.  Especially with one of the more infamous scenes with 14 year old Katherine Heigl wearing a near see-through thong bathing suit showing off roughly 90-95% of her ass.

I’m sorry, but this is a Disney movie?  I….I just don’t believe this.  The same company that made some of the purest family films of this decade thought it would be ingenious to consider this as family entertainment.  Like this is levels of cringe that I never thought was possible.  Next thing you guys will tell me that there is a film about kids hiring prostitutes….oh no dear god, please….

 

Spoiler

4. Milk Money

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZnjmteJqrw

 

Year End Box Office: 78

 

 

Everyone involved with this needs to get their collective heads checked.  This is as gross of a movie as I’ve ever witnessed.  Kids hiring a prostitute and even worse trying to get the main kid’s father to hook up with the prostitute is just excruciating.  What’s even worse is that this is one of my father’s favorite movies.  He laughs at it hysterically every time saying that it’s cute, but no.  It’s gross.  It’s boring.  It’s just painful to watch that they tried to make a sex-upped version of Full House.

While we’re at it, this is the perfect opportunity to point out Hollywood’s odd fascination with making movies about prostitutes in the 1990s.  Yes, Pretty Woman was a good movie.  I can’t think of any others since then that were even remotely as good as that.  The 90s tried and tried again to replicate that success and while I’ve seen some pretty bad ones that I’ll get to when I explore other years from this decade, I’m almost positive that none of them will be as cringeworthy as watching an eleven year old boy touch and sexually explore a prostitute like what happened in Milk Money.  Fuck this movie….not literally. 

 

Spoiler

You know as cringe worthy as the last couple were about everyone involved and their collective spirits…at least they didn’t have something as repulsive as this:

 

 

3. Junior

 

 

Year End Box Office: 40

 

At least the other two made me feel something.  This is without a doubt one of the most boring movies I’ve ever sat through.  I really hate to rehash the Nostalgia Critic, but damn how could they fuck up something this out of left field?  Especially with the talented director involved with this project: Ivan Reitman.  This was the beginning of a drastic decline because you can tell that Ivan Reitman thought reteaming Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito would make him as much money as Twins did.  But no.  Twins may have been amazing, but you need to actually make a compelling movie here instead of banking on chemistry.  All this does is make Arnold go through the stages of pregnancy like any other woman would do…except not even remotely interesting.  Come on movie, you have one of the cheesiest actors of all time and one of the strangest plots ever as well.  The jokes write themselves dammit.  Why are you missing them?

 

I’m sorry this is so short, but god this movie is just a fucking bore.  So instead I would like to spend the time to talk about that image above.  WHAT THE HELL!?!  WHO IN THERE RIGHT MIND THOUGHT DIGITALLY TAKING ARNOLD’S FACE AND PUTTING IT ON A BABY WOULD BE FUNNY.  GROSS GROSS GROSS.  That reason alone should make this the worst movie of 1994….and honestly it probably knocked this movie up two spots past the two family films about children and sex. 

 

Spoiler

So one of the most often asked questions is who are some of my least favorite actors of all-time?  I’ve never given a clear precise answer to this question.  I think that on any given movie, any actor can put on a noteworthy performance.  Yes, even some of my notorious punching bags like Adam Sandler and friends.  But even then, I do admit that some actors can push my patience with that expression.  One of the biggest examples of that in the 1990s was Steven Seagal.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my cheesy 90s actions movies as much as the next guy.  But when we had Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, hell even Jean Claude Van Damme at times doing better jobs at that….we didn’t need Steven Seagal.  Granted, some of his latter works ended up becoming so bad, they’re good.  Plenty of his 90s stuff was pretty bad guys.  And my number two worst movie of 1994 is probably my least favorite Seagal movie.  Period.

 

2. On Deadly Ground

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxgu_VxKKHs

 

Year End Box Office: 37

 

What kind of movie critic would I be if I am not amused by an easily made to be enjoyably bad movie?  Well I would enjoy this a lot more if it wasn’t aware of how stupid this movie is.  Sometimes self-awareness can make a bad movie so bad it’s good, but good lord does this push that limit into overdrive and makes it so bad that it’s bad.  I blame that entirely on Steven Seagal who not only is the lead, but is also the director, producer, and even though he’s not credited, I swear he has to be one of the writers.  No way are his lines of dialogue not written by him.  Especially that massive what the fuck is that speech at the end of the movie.  How the hell did Seagal get the funding for this?  Even more curious is how the hell did he get Billy Bob Thornton, R Lee Ermey, Joan Chen, and ESPECIALLY MICHAEL FUCKING CAINE in this?  Dude, you’re Michael Caine.  You can do far better than this.  But this movie is not only a horrible action movie, but it’s just an absolute bore by adding in a not so secretive moral about drilling oil rigs in Alaska.  It displays this message in the absolute worst way possible because Steven Seagal isn’t subtle about it.  At all.  Maybe because this is a passion project?  Well trust me, I passionately hate this.  I would rather watch any other Seagal movie in his library on repeat more than sit through this again.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqaCBDy39KU

 

Once again, Family Guy having a parody for everything….next.

 

Spoiler

As I always say, my number one choice will always be the one that was the biggest waste of my time.  And the biggest waste of my time is quite possibly one of the worst movie franchises in cinematic history.  Does anyone remember Three Ninjas?  That absolute waste of a movie that combined Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Home Alone?  Well, I hated that movie so much as a child and it hasn’t aged well growing up and rewatching it causes me unbearable twitching.  Somehow it reached cult status and spawned a franchise that impossibly got worse and worse.  And guess what ended up there right at #100 on the year end list for 1994?

 

1. 3 Ninjas Kick Back

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2qG3hdbfPk

 

Year End Box Office: 100

 

Seriously.  Fuck this sequel.  Who asked for this?  The first one was only “moderately” successful somehow because I guess people enjoyed the campiness of unintentional racial stereotyping, bad 90s clichés, and fat jokes.  But god, this just has absolutely nothing redeemable.  It’s just all the bad elements from the first one and actually taking them overseas to make bigger fools out of themselves.  Let’s actually take these characters to Japan and figure out for themselves if actual ninjas, sumo wrestlers, martial artists shout AI-YA.  Because the idiots behind this movie make Japan out to be one giant fuck off to cultural stereotypes that sends society back over a decade.

 

Now I know what you guys are thinking, you should appreciate the “camp factor” Clappy.  It’s so bad, it’s good.  NO.  This is not camp.  This came from TriStar.  One of the biggest production companies of the 90s.  If this was direct to VHS, I would have considered believing this was intentionally bad.  But no, they wanted to make more money off this franchise and thought that it would have a bigger following for their first direct sequel.  They actually tried to replicate what made the original not work and did so horribly.  This movie is shit.  This franchise is shit.

 

http://www.tubechop.com/chop/D2qG3hdbfPk

 

Yes.  I hate all of you.  I’m getting out of here.

[MMM]

Was expecting North to be here, but good list

[Wumbo]

I remember watching NC's review for Milk Money and learning the plot of the movie, I was downright stunned to see how tame the review was. I was fucking disgusted with this concept.

 

Also, Flintstones at number 5?! Really?!

 

Great list, Claps! Looking forward to the good ones.
 

Was expecting North to be here, but good list

As far as I can tell, North didn't make the Top 100 cut.

[Clappy]

Was expecting North to be here, but good list

What Wumbo said.  North didn't crack the year end Top 100 grossing movies domestically.

[MMM]

What Wumbo said.  North didn't crack the year end Top 100 grossing movies domestically.

OOOHHHH, didn't really understand that part