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EPISODE XIX: THE MOS EISLEY CANTINA
This cantina is a clean, bustling place, as you can see. But don't you know it used to be a wretched hive of scum and villainy? Many people once frequented this seedy place, but have since then parted ways. So what have they been up to?
Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes was their name, and success was their game. Well, not really. The little arm-slicing incident told them they were destined for greater venues than this disgusting, smelly cantina, and they set off into the desert the next day. Their tour didn’t last long, though—Sandtroopers mistook them for Rebel agents and slaughtered them in their sleep. Only one Bith, Figrin D’an himself, survived. He’s still in the industry, though—you can catch his production work on the new Unkinem album.
Momaw Nadon had been exiled—dealing with the Empire led to exile from his peaceful agrarian homeworld, leaving him trapped on this deserted rock. Seeing a man get dismembered by a giant blue glow stick reminded him of the hatred he felt. He went home and vowed to have revenge on the Empire, with the same kind of violence he’d seen that day. Thirty-four years later, he is now known as General Momaw Nadon, leading general of the Resistance.
Wuher continued bartending for the cantina along with still harboring an extreme prejudice against droids. People also dug up his social media posts containing droidphobic insults, which caused people to threaten a Mos Eisley boycott if it he was not fired. The upper management eventually got tired of the numerous complaints and fired him. Wuher now lives alone, getting drunk and continuing to rant about his hatred of droids on social media.
Jerriko continued to be a regular of the cantina, offering his services for a good kill, and smoking his pipe nonstop which started to irritate the other customers after a while. Wuher kindly asked him to take it outside many times, but Jerriko always refused. Annoyed by constant complaints, the upper management had enough and banned him, much to Jerriko’s anger, but he eventually relented and took his services elsewhere. He hopped around various cantinas across the galaxy, and even saw Beedo sitting around at a few. One night he got a bit too drunk and wandered off into the streets at night. One thing lead to another, resulting in him joining a pirate crew. To this day, he cannot recall how these events unfolded, nor will any of his crewmates say.
Takeel and Zutton ("Snaggletooth")
Unlike most of the other cantina patrons that day, the Snaggletooths found dismemberment extremely funny, and felt inspired to create comedy out of it. The two became Tak n’ Zut, a mediocre comedy duo that tours across the Outer Rim. After criticizing Emperor Palpatine in one of their sets, the Empire poured millions of credits into finding and killing them with probe droids. They did not succeed, and they continue to travel the galaxyto this day.
Tomorrow we close our season with a very similar location, almost like it's from a movie that mirrors A New Hope's plot exactly.
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16. "Hey everybody, it's trash day!"
Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful – 125 points
12 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #2 @OWM) (-4)
This episode is unwatchable to me, if you can even call it an episode. The cop is certainly one of the most annoying and useless characters in series history. He exists both to sluggishly inch the "plot" along and as a lame gag that gets less funny every time you hear the musical cue that comes with him. Keep in mind that this gag is this episode's main source of humor. Cause like I said, this episode is basically just nothing. The rest of the plot is just a collage of weird, disjointed vignettes of Squidward trying to clear up the town only for something weird or torturous to happen to him, which gets increasingly more convoluted as the episode progresses. By the end it's just shit like "putting trash into other people's bins." SpongeBob is there, I guess, but he once again only works to get Squidward into more trouble. He's no better than the cop, I'd say. But the cop, somehow, ends up ticketing him along with Squidward and Squilliam. And then it just... ends. There's no real conclusion. It's like even they realized this episode was going nowhere. I would like even an ending where Squidward gets boiled in acid or something so it'd at least match the episode, but it just... ends. Fun episode, hm?
15. "The Main Drain sounds very, very dangerous. I'm never gonna go near that thing."
The Main Drain – 130 points
8 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #2 @Coffee_lover) (+6)
Oh, this one is lame even from the beginning. We start with an... unrelated drain plug with little to no relation to the Main Drain at all? Great way to introduce the main plot. If you're reading this, then you know the plot twist, so it's even more confusing to know that somehow, after the Drain sucked in all of Bikini Bottom, that it is still there and Mr. Krabs can still tell the story. And of course, the ending sucks. Inbetween all this are like, weird attempts to find the Drain that come out as weird physical gags. They go nowhere. I think they just go on foot? Maybe it's for the better that this one rose.
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18. "My diary! Squidward! How could you?!"
Little Yellow Book – 112 points
8 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #1 @CyanideFishbone) (+2)
This has made a small climb this year, even with a new #1 and the addition of it to my own list. I've finally gotten around to hating this one like I properly should've, because most of it is built on complete BS. The first third is quite boring, but the second seems devoted to making SpongeBob do wacky and random things for its own sake. There's never any secret that's revealing or interesting to SpongeBob as a whole—most of them are just "if I hear/see this, then I will do something funny." These aren't the kinds of secrets people want to write down in their diaries anyway, so what's the point? This is something you would have in your "secret personal diary" which makes up the very bad ending. Once SpongeBob realizes what's happening to him he cries, and then suddenly Squidward is the bad guy despite everyone knowing it was a diary and someone's secrets were being revealed. You could call this realistic, but I call it stupid. The very last third is Squidward being miserable as the whole town shits on him back to back as he shits on SpongeBob once again, and the ending shows that all of it was just a total time sink. It reminds me of Fools in April, except worse. Why didn't I have this episode higher, again?
17. "Why are you still alive?!"
Demolition Doofus – 115 points
9 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #2 @SpongeOddFan) (+14)
I ended up cutting this one from my list in favor of the last episode, but it still managed to make a huge climb. This one is just very miserable to many people, which I understand. At this point, there's been eight whole seasons of Mrs. Puff suffering at SpongeBob's hands. Has it come to the point where she wants to kill him? Well, for many fans, no. It's a pretty dark progression to the loose arc she has. The actual demolition scenes are quite bland for something that's meant to kill SpongeBob, aside from some of Puff's more infamous lines about demolishing him. Overall, it's very unfun and goes nowhere. Puff can't catch a break.
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EPISODE XVII: POLITICIANS
"I love democracy," Chancellor Sheev Palpatine once said. We at One-Time love democracy and politicians so much, that we were so happy to learn that their trade embargo kept us from posting this episode way earlier than we should've. The Galactic Senate is a proud institution and always will be, so what have some of its more esoteric members been up to?
After a successful career as a politician, Aang mysteriously disappeared from the scene when the galaxy needed him most. It is said he went into a deep spiritual meditation, and never returned from it. It is rumored that he was reborn in another dimension as the protagonist of a Nickelodeon cartoon. Far out.
Grebleips’ distinguished Senate career abruptly ended after space journalists revealed a shocking affair between him and one of Naboo’s handmaidens. He then pursued a series of other galactic ventures under an assumed name, such as a film production company and an unsuccessful theme park franchise. But he was soon exposed, and exiled to the distant future in a galaxy far, far away. I heard they made a movie about it.
As the Empire began to occupy his homeland of Pantora, Baron Papanoida found himself surrounded by eager yes-men, ready to follow his orders at a moment’s notice. Confused yet excited at this new development, the Baron turned the moon into a self-contained dictatorship, where he was free to rule how he pleased even if the Empire had a blaster barrel pointed at his head. He may have gone too far in a few places.
Following the end of the Clone Wars, Chuchi continued to represent Pantora in the Galactic Senate, but she wasn’t happy about it as she quickly saw how brutal the Empire became. She resigned, heading back to Pantora, but then fled from there too once Baron turned it into his own dictatorship. During her time in hiding, she found a new passion in music and began an underground career as a galactic pop singer. Once the Empire was gone, she took her music mainstream, cracking high numbers on the Galactic Billboard. She considered doing a collab with Sy Snootles at one point to help her career, but the plans fell through the cracks.
Senator Alavar’s fears were coming true: Chancellor Palpatine had become a tyrant, and the Republic had morphed into a fascist dictatorship. Armed with a blaster, she burst into the Emperor’s office to confront him herself.
“Chancellor, your rule of terror is about to end.”
“...Who are you again?”
The Royal Guard detained her shortly afterward and threw her into the rancor pit, one of Palpatine’s favorite death chambers. Isn’t it funny when they squirm?
Tomorrow we take a dive into a politician's worst nightmare: crime. Stay tuned.
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20. "All meaning has left my life ever since I've been plagued by that blasted whale."
One Coarse Meal – 110 points
6 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #1 @JCM) (-5)
This infamous episode has made a drop as well, although not nearly as much as A Pal for Gary. Some may find it pointless to even still care this one, although the hate started for a reason. Plankton's fear is played completely seriously, and even gets justified. His shaking and crying can get rather disturbing and unfun to watch, especially when it culminates into the dream sequence. Of course, the ending resolves none of this—it's a cheap repeat of the same "joke" they've been telling all throughout. Besides the opening of this episode, which is actually really fun and creative, I think this one can bear to stay on this list.
19. "I don't even know you anymore!"
You Don't Know Sponge – 110 points
8 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #6 @Bob Carotte@WinterArcanine) (+26)
Looks like my dreams have come true with this one: it has risen 26 spots this year, the most drastic change out of any episode on this list. I'm surprised it rose this far, considering it's a very different kind of bad compared to what usually breaks the top 20. Those episodes are usually ugly or annoying or unpleasant, but this one is just plain boring. There is barely any meaningful development throughout this plot because it feels the need to slowly chug along until it can somehow cobble a conflict out of SpongeBob and Patrick repeating what their favorite colors and belly button types are. Several minutes of this passes until that conflict emerges, which by that point practically half the episode has passed, and it is a very unconvincing one. The rest of the episode is total deadweight of SpongeBob almost finding solutions to his problem and then not quite getting there because it isn't really a problem to begin with, until he happens to see Patrick and it kind of resolves itself. Sad! This may be an unusual pick for the top 20 for many, but I think it has some staying power based on how unbearably slow it is.
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22. "Don't worry, Squidward. We're boating buddies now!"
Boating Buddies – 104 points
7 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #3 @4EverGreen@JCM) (-5)
Here's an episode that was once thought to be automatic bottom 10 material, but it's fallen into better standing lately. My opinion? I still don't like it much, but there are some moments in here that do put it above other episodes of its ilk. SpongeBob has some funny lines about a "cucumber bicycle" and "chocolate rain." There's also kind of a funny mutual understanding between Squidward and Mrs. Puff about how annoying SpongeBob is, even if she does screw him over by the episode's end. But otherwise, I still find it pretty boring and unfocused (I still don't get the scientist potato chip scene, sorry.)
21. "Shall we start with the importance of good kitchen hygiene or the unabridged history of the patty?"
Summer Job – 109 points
10 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #10 @Bob Carotte) (+8)
This one is very similar to Boating Buddies with a sprinkle of Doing Time, but it's in much worse standing among the community. And for good reason, it sucks. Boating Buddies actually had some breathing room and quieter parts, while this episode is relentless with scene after scene of SpongeBob pulverizing Mrs. Puff into a fine paste. The "Duke" sequence is so bad, it may actually wrap around to becoming the funniest part of this episode. Summer Job is slow, unfunny, and annoying, and I am glad it rose when I didn't expect it to.
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can't believe 2/3 of this writing team also did No Free Rides and made this episode, which i've seen multiple times and i can't remember what happens besides the song
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EPISODE XV: DROIDS
Droids are the universe's backbone, behind the love, menial labor, and fancy computerized stuff of the galaxy. These three droids have contributed much to the world of Star Wars, so you should be happy to know we'll be looking at none of them today. Instead, we have some much more interesting stories.
Bonk, the Gonk droid in the Jawa sandcrawler
Bonk had watched friends and acquaintances come into its life and disappear just as quickly for decades, and this gold and blue duo was no different. But luck changed when it overheard a choice encounter between its hooded masters and an unknown buyer. They were selling it—to an old, eccentric junk dealer living in Mos Espa. “HEY, GET TO WORK!” he said with a snarl. Bonk had finally found its forever home: powering an automated gambling machine for Watto.
E-3PO, the droid that yelled "E chu ta!" at C-3PO
E-3PO had worked as Cloud City’s resident spy droid for a while now, but his job was rather pointless now that the Empire controlled Bespin completely and everyone important had skipped town. So the Empire transferred him—he would now be undertaking recon efforts on the forest moon of Endor, where he could hopefully win the Ewoks’ trust in order to kill and eat them later. But this didn’t last long after the Rebels took Endor and captured E-3PO. Not knowing what to do with him, they painted the droid gold and rented him out as “C-3PO” to weddings and birthdays wanting to have a Rebel hero at their party. It is a lonely, lonely existence.
TC-14
The official narrative states that the Trade Federation moved TC-14 to their biggest, grandest battleship, which a nine-year old had destroyed during the Battle of Naboo. So she was dead—or was she? Her memory archives survived in the vacuum of space, floating around before they came to rest on the planet Corellia, where junkers used them to rebuild her. Free from the memory wipes that had once plagued her, she became a deadly bounty hunter and contract killer, which inspired a young protocol droid named 4-LOM to follow in her footsteps.
GA-97, the Resistance spy droid on Takodana
Having succeeded in helping the Resistance find BB-8, GA-97 had completely served its purpose. There was nothing left for it to do. To cope with its newfound uselessness, the droid now does pub crawls across the Outer Rim, drinking its days away with pints of motor oil.
ME-8D9, Maz's personal assistant
“Emmie” had lived in the Takodana castle for thousands of years, and felt a little lost when the First Order destroyed it. But she would live on. Climbing aboard a spaceship, she pursued a new life powering an intergalactic HoloNet café on Jedha, where lowlifes would come to develop crippling addictions to pornography and social media.
Tomorrow, expect a look at more machines, and the pilots who raced them.
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24. "Come, play some more, maestro. Me and Patrick want to sing to your saweeet tunes."
Slide Whistle Stooges – 96 points
10 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #1 @Wumbo) (-8)
I've talked about this episode before, and yeah it is pretty bad. The picture I chose isn't just a summary of the episode—it's practically the whole thing. No jokes, no important developments—just slide whistles. And they make loud, high-pitched noises all throughout. Does that sound like an enjoyable episode to you? And oh yeah, you get to see Squidward get into the shenanigans too. While it could have been fun considering how he's always had a secret passion for mischief, it is just... not fun. Makes me wish I was watching Squidville instead, a much better version of that sequence. So yeah, this sucks.
23. "You're not a failure, SpongeBob. You're a scientist!"
House Sittin' for Sandy – 97 points
8 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #7 @OWM) (+12)
There's something about this episode that I find particularly horrible, and has led me to raise this episode so high this year: it is a two-minute short padded to disguise itself as a real episode. That picture right there is part of a sequence which plays twice in this episode. We also have:
- SpongeBob spending most of the episode patrolling the treedome, meandering around with a checklist looking at things. Isn't this exciting to you? He does exactly what Sandy tells him to do!
- Patrick then steps in, and it's another few minutes of him trying to ruin things by repeating the same phrases over and over. Does this sound fun yet? Don't you like this?
- Of course the two find ways to destroy things, and Sandy steps in to deliver a terrible, terrible ending to cap everything off nicely. SpongeBob and Patrick are efficient enough to destroy her treedome and yet she never considered that they might destroy her very important machine imperative to her whole experiment. And her test subject was of course her very important belongings important and necessary to her research rather than anything else.
This episode concept was basically dead from the start. They of course found ways to pad and stretch as much as they could, but it wasn't enough to save it.
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26. "Looks like I'm back in Bikini Bottom forever."
What Ever Happened to SpongeBob? – 94 points
9 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #5 @OWM) (+1)
Extremely unpleasant episode that I hate more with every viewing. I don't want to see SpongeBob get pushed around for simply acting like he did in past seasons. I don't want to see a long, overwrought sobbing session followed by him leaving forever. Wasn't SpongeBob one to see the good in everyone? The note he leaves behind feels like he's manipulating his friends rather than being sincere. The location of New Kelp City isn't interesting for him to get lost in—it's indistinguishable from Bikini Bottom aside from the "Bubble Poppin' Boys." Speaking of them, they last about a minute until vanishing, which is both terrible for the story and terrific for my senses. There's a mediocre chase scene and SpongeBob becomes and mayor and he's supposed to learn something and yadda yadda yadda it's 6:30 AM I don't want to write this out. Screw this episode.
25. "I think I shattered my abacus."
Trenchbillies – 96 points
7 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #3 @Wumbo) (-11)
The trenchbilly characters are of course disgusting, although to say that would echo the words of a thousand other people who have seen this episode. No one wants to see them subject SpongeBob and Patrick to these meaningless challenges which they only seem to survive based on dumb luck or other stupid shit. In fact, no one wants to see them at all. Oh yeah, and Krabs gets married off to the head one for some reason. Why? I forget already.
Here marks the halfway point of our list. By now you've seen some of what this list has to offer. What will come next? Find out.
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EPISODE XIII: ATTACK OF THE MISC CHARACTERS
Look at this: a galaxy of heroes and villains, each with their own tales to tell. But isn't that boring, though? We want to know about the simple man: the one who gets passed over while their colleagues hog the spotlight. So what have they been up to?
Janu Godalhi, Sea Monkey Opera Ballet Enthusiast
After the end of the Clone Wars, Godalhi is said to have become a database manager for a website dedicated to a space film series, all stored on his own special holocron. He acts as a keeper of the lore and would later get cool glasses, too.
Isdam Edian, a.k.a. “Bespin Guard Dies”
Isdam was an honorable and well respected member of the Bespin Wing Guard, not a soul in the galaxy could hate him. In 3 BBY, he gave his life in an attempt to stop Slave I from escaping Cloud City, being thrown over the edge to his death. His fellow guards gave moments of silence to honor him. Never forget this hero.
Kitster Banai, Tatooine Slave Child
After watching his best friend Anakin leave his life forever, Kitster vowed that he would not die on this rock as a slave. He spent the rest of his youth working until he had enough money to buy his way to freedom at age 42. His new destination was Coruscant, where he hoped to become an entrepreneur, only for the Empire to immediately conscript him as a Sandtrooper. Now back on Tatooine, riding on a dewback, Kitster wondered why he even bothered.
Fode and Beed Annodue, Podrace Announcers
Fode & Beed’s announcing gigs soon began to run dry, and they realized they really couldn’t stand each other. With the help of a brilliant young doctor named Cornelius Ezavan, they applied for surgical separation. The two are now floating heads in a jar, tucked away in a forgotten closet, victims of a failed operation.
no but seriously why would you want an action figure of them
Augara “Augie” Jowil, Gungan Composer
Augie rose to fame when her magnum opus “Symponik Nabooalla” was performed at the Battle of Naboo’s victory celebration. But the young musician was unable to handle the media attention and sold-out concerts that followed, and turned to drugs to cope. She became reliant on a mysterious death stick dealer and his young sidekick to get her fix, until she suffered a bombad overdose a few years later.
Next time we'll look into several more tales of the galaxy's fascinating creatures.
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28. "What is this stuff, anyway? It doesn't seem to be coming off!"
Fungus Among Us – 88 points
6 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #1 @Clappy) (-4)
Does SpongeBob being covered in itchy sea fungus excite you? Then watch this, because there's nothing else to this episode. This old hated favorite has fallen slightly, but I know it's here to stay. There's not much in the way of humor or even plot other than that the "Ick" is gooey and disgusting and seemingly indestructible, aside from the pirate wrestling scene. This made my list last year, but I chose to boot it this year in favor of episodes I hated a lot more. But that doesn't mean this episode isn't horrible and a waste of time, because it is.
27. "Let's agree never to make faces again."
Face Freeze! – 91 points
8 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #3 @WinterArcanine) (+13)
Here's a clumsy retelling of Sailor Mouth without nearly as much charm or humor. The faces look clearly fun to draw, although they get old after a while and basically have to tell the story for the audience. When you see the seventh or eighth face in rapid succession, you forget the one you just saw. So what's the point? I don't particularly hate this episode otherwise, but I understand why it's risen this year.
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30. "Yippee ti yay, yippy ti yo!"
Rodeo Daze – 80 points
6 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #2 @jjsthekid) (-7)
Season: 7
Writers: Luke Brookshier, Nate Cash, Richard Pursel
Plot: SpongeBob and the gang travel to Texas after Sandy attends a rodeo there.
This is just a very stupid episode that goes nowhere throughout what seems like a 22-minute runtime. I could talk about the terrible moments from this episode for a while, like the idea of SpongeBob trying to "save" Sandy and him capturing everyone in a bubble. But this boringness swallows the whole episode, no matter what it ends up doing. It's in the horrible repetition of SpongeBob having to ask each individual friend. It's in the awful, dragging song. It's when everyone finally ends up in Texas after these bad moments, only for you realize there's just a minute left in the episode. While this just missed my list, I'd like to give it some more consideration in the future.
29. "Aww, look at you two so cute together."
A Pal for Gary – 82 points
7 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #2 @JCM) (-22)
Season: 7
Writers: Casey Alexander, Zeus Cervas, Richard Pursel
Plot: SpongeBob gets a mysterious new pet: a nudibranch.
I recall this episode being mostly boring, with some both good and bad moments sprinkled throughout. Puffy Fluffy doesn't nearly have the same impact he did when this episode first premiered eleven years ago, so it's more ridiculous to watch than infuriating. I can't bring myself to hate SpongeBob in this one either—he's idiotic, yes, but his lines about enchiladas and meatballs win me over for some reason. I would never rank this episode, but it'd feel wrong not to have a spot on this list.
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SEASON II
ATTACK OF THE ONE-TIME STAR WARS CHARACTERS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
There is unrest in the galaxy. Despite many of the galaxy’s most colorful characters having their stories told, there is still a call for more. Some have been ignored and rejected, while others were just kind of not interesting enough and were cut out before they were finished. But there is hope: the old crew has returned, here to restore balance...
EPISODE XI – THE CLONE WARS
We begin our season by examining some figures from the Clone Wars, one of the galaxy's largest and bloodiest wars to ever exist. No one quite triumphed, yet everyone has their own tales of bravery and heroics. So what have they been up to?
The Lurmen
Shortly after the fall of the Republic, four animals resembling a lion, zebra, hippo, and giraffe along with four penguin like species crash landed. They revealed themselves as Imperial spies and pillaged the planet. The Lurmen were taken into captivity and said to now reside at a galactic zoo.
Slick
After being imprisoned for treason, Slick was later secretly transferred back to Kamino on Palpatine’s orders, who was curious about how this clone gained free thinking to betray the Republic as he did. The Kaminoans found that his inhibitor chip was defective, which allowed him more free will. They reprogrammed his chip and assigned him to serve as the station’s new janitor following 99’s death, no longer a soldier. This was not a fun job for him, especially with clones calling him a turncoat whenever they see him, despite him having no memory of it now.
Rotta the Hutt
Rotta grew up to develop a rebellious streak in his teenage years, as most other Huttlets at his age do. Inspired by the heroes who had saved him long ago, Rotta fled home to become a Jedi. After a long, interplanetary journey, he soon arrived on Coruscant. However, he found that not only was he not actually Force-sensitive, but the Jedi had been eradicated years ago. He now sells death sticks on the streets, as his father would have wanted.
Rafa & Trace
After their spice adventure with Jedi Ahsoka Tano, the two sisters went into the spice trade business. Needless to say they got in over their heads and got themselves into quite a few nasty situations with all sorts of ruthless spice lords. It’s rumored they were the ones responsible for blowing off Elan Sleazebango’s face, but this is not confirmed. After that, they managed to get out of the business and ride free into the galaxy, finally at peace. They never did see Ahsoka again, but they’d never forget the valuable journey they shared with her.
Chopper
Not to be confused with the homicidal droid of the same name, Chopper continued to collect destroyed droid fingers for his necklace trophy, which continued to weird other clones out. As a result, he didn’t particularly have many friends in the army. Chopper later lost his life during the Battle of Malastare. His droid finger necklace was retrieved from the aftermath and preserved as a memory for the fallen soldier.
Tomorrow we will look at a similar time in history, after these wars had passed and a new power had emerged.
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32. "Whew. For a second there, I thought I was gonna have to pay you workman's compersation."
The Splinter – 72 points
7 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #11 @Wumbo@JCM) (-14)
Season: 6
Writers: Nate Cash, Sean Charmatz, Steven Banks
Plot: SpongeBob gets a nasty splinter at work, which he must get rid of.
This is hated for the terrible, terrible body horror in it, which I do understand, because it's the only reason people remember this episode. The splinter's leaking pus and exaggerated size and vein tells me it's trying way too hard to appear gross, cause otherwise it really wouldn't be that funny. Otherwise, it's a boring, slowly paced episode trying too hard to fill time with things that aren't the splinter. That means Squidward has to talk about worker's comp a bunch and Patrick has to talk about something even worse, which I don't even remember. A big ass, nasty splinter isn't enough to create a good episode, which this episode is not.
31. "We're waiting. We're waiting. We're waiting."
Waiting – 79 points
6 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #4 @Clappy) (+5)
Season: 5
Writers: Nate Cash, Tuck Tucker, Steven Banks
Plot: SpongeBob and Patrick wait for a free cereal box toy to come in the mail.
Well, he's waiting. And that's pretty much all he does. His goal is so strong, he will be a moody little bitch to Sandy and deny Gary food, which is something that snail ran away from home over. The reason? He's waiting. After all the waiting, we get some boring and annoying scream crying that lasts the last few minutes of the episode. I swear, it feels like it lasts three minutes in what's already a seven-minute episode shorter than most. And then Squidward fixes it, and the episode ends. That's it. It's a very pointless waste of time.
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34. "We already won the tournament."
Shuffleboarding – 69 points
6 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #6 @SpongeOddFan) (+3)
Season: 6
Writers: Luke Brookshier, Nate Cash, Derek Iversen
Plot: SpongeBob and Patrick get to be Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy for a day.
Terrible pacing in this one. It can't focus on one thing. There aren't any important plot developments in what seems to be the first half of the whole episode, aside from Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy getting injured. The rest is just annoying banter and screaming from SpongeBob and Patrick, usually repeating themselves. As for the second half, well, it's why people hate this episode to begin with. The reasons for jailing the Bottomites range from goofy to forced and awkward up to just ridiculous when they detain Man Ray and Mabel. None of it is funny or interesting and it reminds you that you could be watching a damn good episode with the real Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy in it. Combined with the crap ending, this was enough to make my list.
33. "I had a spatula once. A real spatula. One that stood by me through thick and thin, through grease and gristle, and I betrayed his loyalty, like a fool!"
All That Glitters – 72 points
6 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #5 @Steel Sponge@JCM) (+5)
Season: 4
Writers: Zeus Cervas, Erik Wiese, Steven Banks
Plot: SpongeBob breaks his spatula, and must find a replacement.
This was once considered one of the series' very worst, especially as we now see what came after it. But that doesn't mean it still has its share of haters, who helped get it this far this year. This one is just very boring. The scene at the Krusty Krab with SpongeBob and Le Spatula is three straight minutes of dialogue, none of it being funny and half of it just repeating the same things. Speaking of Le Spatula, the thing itself is incredibly pointless—it takes about five minutes to develop the thing only for it to leave in a matter of seconds. They do try to develop an emotional connection with the old spatula, but it's mostly in jest. However, it does cause him to cry a lot for even more of the runtime, which I don't like. Once the spatula randomly comes back to him on a whim, I'm reminded as to why this used to make top 10s regularly. Not something I'd put on a list now, but it is an omen of what was to come for later seasons.
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7
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1
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1
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36. "Grrrrr... SpongeBob betrayed us!"
The Sponge Who Could Fly – 63 points
3 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #4 @magic the veemon@dmandagiraffe) (+25)
Season: 3
Writers: Paul Tibbitt, Kent Osborne, Merriwether Williams, Jay Lender, Sam Henderson
Plot: Patchy finds the lost episode, which follows SpongeBob's dream to fly like the jellyfish.
Here's an unorthodox pick that made a huge rise this year, after just making into last year's Dishonorable Mentions. While I've never found anything in pre-movie to be particularly bad, the SpongeBob segment definitely isn't anything special compared to the rest of Season 3. It seems kind of... fake because of how cynical the whole episode seems to be. Nothing in the segment is serious—much of the songs and dialogue are very cheesy and phoned in, and the plot is completely laughable and nonsensical. The Bottomites immediately finding ways to take advantage of SpongeBob embodies this the most, I feel. The Patchy segment, though, is perhaps the best in the whole show. The surreal goofiness is a lot more positive here, which works when you see stuff like Patchy being swirled around on a playground or destroying his SpongeBob merch. It's a bold yet very confusing 22 minutes, and one that certainly feels like the writers are ready to end the show. Which they did, of course.
35. "Such perfection from your little lettuce hair to your rosy ketchup cheeks right down to your mustard smile."
To Love a Patty – 64 points
5 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #9 @JCM) (-3)
Season: 5
Writers: Casey Alexander, Zeus Cervas, Eric Shaw
Plot: SpongeBob falls in love with a Krabby Patty so much, he refuses to eat it.
This episode, once a mainstay in the top 10 of these lists, has been falling dramatically and continues to do so now. By this point, I find it hilarious. The absurdity of the plot ends up wrapping back around into "so bad it's good" territory. Some of my favorite scenes are actually what were once considered the "worst," like him murdering a bunch of scallops and eating the disgusting rotted patty. I can't bring myself to hate any of the scenes anymore, even though they're by all means some of the show's worst. If a lot more episodes were as weird as this one, I'd be looking at post-movie a little different.
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6
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2
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1
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38. "Have you learned nothing about sharing?"
Yours, Mine and Mine – 61 points
5 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #11 @Steel Sponge) (-16)
Season: 7
Writers: Luke Brookshier, Nate Cash, Steven Banks
Plot: SpongeBob and Patrick fight over the "Patty Pal," the new Krusty Krab toy.
I don't have much to say about this one other than it stucks. SpongeBob and Patrick acting like annoying toddlers all throughout this episode isn't enough to prop up an interesting plot. The many, many minutes of bickering combined with a lifeless chase sequence to top everything off make for a bland, limp episode.
37. "I knew it was too good to be true!"
A SquarePants Family Vacation – 62 points
6 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #6 @The Helpful Mexican) (+15)
Season: 8
Writers: Aaron Springer, Sean Charmatz, Derek Iversen
Plot: SpongeBob, his parents, and Patrick go on a family vacation.
This episode breaks its own back just to fill that 22-minute time slot, and it really shows. It spends too much time on boring, mundane shit instead of actually showing the viewer a fun, worthwhile vacation. The padded intro doesn't connect with the rest of the plot at all (in fact, it connects more with other episodes) and is never mentioned again. There's also an awkward scene with a redneck mechanic, a very boring scene at a playground, and several minutes of SpongeBob and Patrick acting stupid and running from monsters. Does that sound interesting to you? And to cap everything off, there is a very abrupt and inconclusive ending to remind you how much time you just wasted. (there's an intro, but no outro?) Granted there are some OK parts to this episode, but they're short and not worth mentioning.
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7
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1
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1
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40. "I knew it! We have to sacrifice the most miserable person!"
Sponge-Cano! – 54 points
4 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #4 @jjsthekid) (-12)
Season: 7
Writers: Casey Alexander, Zeus Cervas, Derek Iversen
Plot: Bikini Bottom's volcano erupts, and requires a sacrifice.
Sponge-Cano! (god, that's a stupid title) is the Legends of Bikini Bottom subseries at its absolute lowest, in what was already a terrible string of episodes. The beginning is terrible—nobody wants to see Squidward berate every customer of the Krusty Krab, especially not after the song that only vaguely relates to the rest of the episode. The actual volcano doesn't become interesting until the "ancient warrior" comes along to spoonfeed the plot to us, with both a horrible design and a horrible voice. The Bottomites' choice to unanimously kill Squidward combined with SpongeBob's pleas otherwise could be interesting, but it just reminds me that I don't like any of these characters or groups. It drags, and it drags, only for Squidward to reveal that he was lying throughout the whole sequence. That's right, him hanging on for dear life was a cheap ploy. And let's not mention the special twist ending: it was his house! That's right, the ancient warrior made no attempt to correct anyone so that the plot could work in the first place. I am very sad this episode fell.
39. "Repulsive! Somebody's got to stop these bubble blowing jellyfishers!"
New Fish in Town – 56 points
8 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #10 @CyanideFishbone) (+25)
Season: 7
Writers: Aaron Springer, Derek Iversen
Plot: A fish named Howard becomes SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward's new neighbor.
This episode is only as good as its new major character, and Howard sucks. There's only so much you can do with a character totally designed to appeal to Squidward, and it makes him a dull asshole with a terrible voice and no personality. The central conflict of Squidward trying to hide SpongeBob and Patrick drags terribly, as does the rest of this episode with scenes that don't seem to lead up to anything. Basically everyone is annoying, and it becomes boring, frustrating, and everything inbetween. There's no wonder this episode made such a big rise (one of the biggest you'll see, in fact).
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6
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1
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42. "Now I'll never find Patrick! He wins at hide and seek! He wins, he wins!"
Hide and Then What Happens? – 50 points
6 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #11 @The Helpful Mexican) (+11)
Season: 7
Writers: Aaron Springer, Dani Michaeli
Plot: SpongeBob plays hide-and-seek, but can't find Patrick.
This slow and unenjoyable episode nearly made it onto my list. The whole episode is a fine idea that doesn't know how to use its time, leading to some of the show's worst padding. It spends the first three to four minutes doing nothing besides an overly long and unfunny scene of Patrick not getting what hide-and-seek is. The episode also doesn't try to make SpongeBob's search any fun or engaging at all. Instead, it's riddled with more awful padding like with Mrs. Puff ("Are you suuure?") Only this episode could've made riding around the world in a submarine boring. The only decent thing I can say about this is Patrick Not-Star, who has a very surreal Springer look that works even besides the weird cheap moral they gave him to say. So yes, this episode sucks: it's mostly unfunny, has nothing to offer compared to similar episodes, and the pacing is awful.
41. "The more you sing of your desires, the closer to Atlantis you will get."
Atlantis SquarePantis – 53 points
4 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #4 @The Helpful Mexican) (-7)
Season: 5
Writers: Casey Alexander, Zeus Cervas, Steven Banks, Dani Michaeli, Aaron Springer, Paul Tibbitt
Plot: The main cast visits the lost city of Atlantis.
Here it is: the episode that killed the show's budget along with most of the crew's free time, probably. It was the biggest and most ambitious project the crew had undertaken thus far, and they created this confusing clunker. The songs are flashy and somewhat visually creative, but they're poorly sung, written, and not particularly memorable. Atlantis itself is also a huge bore, which is a real letdown. They talk about it as if it's a mystical wonderland with rich culture and lore, and yet that culture and lore seems to be entirely tailored to the main crew's taste. As much as the designs and atmosphere and Bowie's snazzy voice try to make things interesting, none of it blends. As for the Patchy scenes... well, they're the best part of this special. They're pointless and don't tie into the main plot at all, but goddamn if they aren't weirdly hilarious. Patchy's dignity had long eroded by this point, so we may as well dive into complete absurdity.
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7
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44. "Don't be so hard on yourself. It was the experiment's fault that you were such a jerk."
The Fish Bowl – 47 points
3 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #3 @magic the veemon) (+6)
Season: 9b
Writers: Jack Pendarvis, Kyle McCulloch
Plot: Sandy studies SpongeBob and Patrick's behavior for a science experiment.
Here's a pretty shoddy episode with a strong hatebase that managed to bring it up this year. I liked this one's concept but the execution makes it pretty much impossible to enjoy. The "in charge" line ends up changing the whole course of the episode. I don't get why telling Patrick to be "in charge" is meant to be natural for him, and why Sandy even did it to begin with. All it does is give Patrick excuses to be an asshole, which drags the episode horribly. By the last third, it becomes the primary focus, and it even sidelines the psychology thing they were building up. And don't get me started on the ice cream thing—that just made things even more senseless, especially with Squidward. I certainly see why this was picked as 9b's worst.
43. "I'm just saying I no longer need to copy you, Krabs. I've got my own winning recipe now."
Plankton's Regular – 48 points
4 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #6 @Clappy@JCM) (+11)
Season: 6
Writers: Casey Alexander, Zeus Cervas, Dani Michaeli
Plot: Plankton meets Nat, his new favorite customer.
This is an old hated favorite that managed to rise pretty far this year. It's a pretty lousy one with an even worse new character. There are some interesting things about Nat, like his relationship with Plankton and how he seems to be the only person repulsed by Krabby Patties, but the ending washes them away completely and it feels very underwhelming. As with all episodes of its kind, it reverts itself back to the status quo in the most boring way possible. Lame.
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8
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46. "I'm sorry, restraining order! But my friends need me!"
Restraining SpongeBob – 45 points
5 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #7 @CyanideFishbone) (+16)
Season: 8
Writers: Paul Tibbitt, Sean Charmatz, Vincent Waller
Plot: Squidward files a restraining order against SpongeBob.
This made my list, and I'm quite glad to see that it's risen. Restraining SpongeBob manages to be obnoxious basically the whole way through. The beginning combination of SpongeBob's constant pestering of Squidward, eventually leading up to the little accident, isn't good for anyone watching at all. Odd to see it shown completely for laughs compared to Fools in April, where it was treated as cruel and horrific. There are some briefly entertaining scenes of SpongeBob struggling to adapt to the restraining order, but once Patrick shows up, it's all over. He manages to take up even more screen time than SpongeBob did with things that are somehow even more annoying. The ending brawl is one of the dumbest in the whole show (a button!?) until it just abruptly... ends. The combined effect is a very sad and bitter episode that stinks of Season 8 lousiness.
45. "Did you notice anything different about Squidward?"
Breath of Fresh Squidward – 46 points
3 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #5 @magic the veemon) (NEW)
Season: 5
Writers: Nate Cash, Tuck Tucker, Richard Pursel
Plot: After an accident, Squidward grows a new personality.
I always found this to be a very middle-of-the-road Season 5 episode with some very questionable things in it. It's not like SpongeBob at all to feel like someone is one-upping him—he was always one to treasure his friends' successes and support them. Even if he is childish, something feels very wrong about seeing him melt down in front of his closest friends. New Squidward also feels too similar to SpongeBob, probably so that he could specifically overshadow him. If he took a more jovial attitude to what he did before he was shocked, I think it'd make for a more interesting episode. Other than that, I can totally see why this episode's lowest points can push it over to worst list territory. Not really something worth rewatching.
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8
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48. "We must not re-enact the history that divides us, rather we must embrace that which draws us together."
The Battle of Bikini Bottom – 44 points
2 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #2 @WinterArcanine) (+11)
Season: 5
Writers: Luke Brookshier, Nate Cash, Eric Shaw
Plot: SpongeBob and Patrick fight over a pressing issue: dirty or clean?
Here's an episode that managed to really shine this year thanks to its small yet passionate hatedom. It's never been one of my least favorites, but it's easy to see why it receives hate to begin with—it is ugly. Even if you find some of SpongeBob and Patrick's "attacks" creative and goofy, like I do, they really aren't fun to look at and get old after a while. And since so much of the episode relies on this, the episode loses its steam fast. Interesting to see how it's made just a big rise with only two people this year. Maybe we can expect more twists and turns?
47. "I have seen this only one other time. It's the ultimate tan. He's..."
Sun Bleached – 44 points
4 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #8 @Steel Sponge) (NEW)
Season: 6
Writers: Luke Brookshier, Nate Cash, Richard Pursel
Plot: SpongeBob gets the ultimate tan.
This episode has returned to the list after being absent for a year. This is certainly one of Season 6's lamest. SpongeBob being sun bleached is sort of funny, with his raspy voice and weird moistureless skin, but it gets old fast, and it makes you wish you weren't watching this anymore. In fact, there's not much enjoyment out of seeing your favorite characters turn glossy brown and ill-looking. The new character Craig Mammalton, who's pushing the trend, doesn't help this either—he's an asshole, and doesn't serve much purpose other than to magically fix SpongeBob's whole problem with his social clout. While I like my share of "beach" episodes, this is definitely one to skip.
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6
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1
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SBC's Top 50 Worst Episodes Ever! (2021 Edition)
in SpongeBob Episodes
Posted
14. "I hate you, old man, you hear me? I hate you!"
The Clash of Triton – 151 points
12 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #4 @Less_SpongeBob) (-4)
So this is out of the top 10 now, although make no mistake, this is still a boring and sloppily paced episode. The stretch between SpongeBob trying to fix the lock and him and Patrick trying to free everyone is so boring I'm practically begging for something to happen. Neptune and Triton's relationship is of course, dumb—you can't even see it "both ways" because of how confusing it is, and it gets fixed by an equally dumb reason which is to "terrorize mortals." And then suddenly, Triton forgives all those years of imprisonment and the conflict kind of solves itself, showing just how much of a waste of time this really was. And then SpongeBob gets blamed, I guess? Maybe he had it coming because of his stinky dry throat breath. Looking back, this could be a good contender for my own list.
13. "Gee, isn't my sister something?"
Big Sister Sam – 167 points
12 out of 22 lists (Highest Ranking #5 @RustyRuinsFace@El Jacko) (0)
Sam destroys stuff. And destroys more stuff. And destroys even more stuff. Good episode, hm? I feel like I can almost enjoy this one if I look at it ironically like To Love a Patty, but that attitude doesn't hold for long when it comes to this one. It's just not fun because it's repetitive in a way the other isn't. It's like watching the robot destruction scene from House Sittin' for Sandy for eleven minutes straight, although Big Sister Sam isn't nearly as unwatchable to me. And then Sam just leaves, because what else was she meant to do? It feels like even more of a waste of time.