Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000

[Jjs Goodman]

This is a work of art, right here. You guys actually made Bikini Top readable, and for that I salute you brave dudes.

If you're still offering spots, I'd be happy to join the riff squad for the next part, if only to avoid reading what will undoubtedly be an awful episode by making bad jokes and obscure references.

 

Haha, thanks! I admit my Season 1 riffs weren't as good as the later ones though, but glad to have a new fan.

 

Unforunately, 29 is really full right now. I've made the max of riffers 6, otherwise it might get too crowded. You could join in on a later one though. I'll PM you what episodes could use an extra person.

[William Leonard]

Haha, thanks! I admit my Season 1 riffs weren't as good as the later ones though, but glad to have a new fan.

 

Unforunately, 29 is really full right now. I've made the max of riffers 6, otherwise it might get too crowded. You could join in on a later one though. I'll PM you what episodes could use an extra person.

Not a problem - I'm happy to wait. ;D

[Jjs Goodman]

Bikini Top Season 2

 

21. To All of You

22. Look After You

23. Hallelujah

24. I'm Just A Kid

25. Gossip Hurl

26. Fade to Black

27. Eet

28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)

 

29. Christmas Lights (Part 2):

Spoiler

Time for part 2, which IMO is a billion times better than part 1. 

 

[Jjs: And by "billion times better", you mean a billion times more painful. Well, in order to help me out for those moments when I'm driven insane, here's special guest, Betty!]

[betty: Hello my friends. I had much better things to do, but apparently this was so painful, Jjs invited me here. Not that I really want t-]

[Jjs: You better, what else do you have to do while waiting for your next Adventure Time appearance?]

[betty: Fair enough. On with the riff!]

[Hayden: By billion times better, I'm guessing he means it now has a 1 percent approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Well, at least he admits not every episode of Bikini Top is as godly as the last.]

[CNF: 70s, your ego is showing.]

[Wumbo: Well, if it’s a billion times better than part 1 in 70s’ opinion, then it must be! When has 70s steered us wrong? For those times when he does, here’s Jesus Christ once again, everybody!]

[Jesus: See, it’s this type of thing that makes my dad regret creating humanity and stuff…]

[Clappy: And by a billion times better, you mean a billion times longer. I just copied and pasted this riff into my email and DEAR GOD IT’S 46 PAGES LONG. THIS IS GOING TO BE PURE HELL.]

[Trophy: I have a character too. *gets on phone* OK the Kraang are fighting the Ninja Turtles and Penguins, while Wander and Lord Hater were fighting Jesus for some weird reason, and Mr. Coconut is too busy on Pahkitew Island, so one more person. *gets on phone* I DON'T CARE HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES YOU HAVE TO FIND THE DAMN FOURTH CHAOS EMERALD! IT'S BIKINI TOP! IT'S TIME!]

[shadow: An Imagine Dragons song?]

[Trophy: NOT THAT! Just come over.]

[shadow: Fine fine.] 

 

S2E9 (29)- Christmas Lights (2): Previously on Bikini Top... Jake and Jackie were fighting all the time, and they broke up. And Jackie ran into her mom at the mall, and was kinda mean to her, even though her mom seemed like she had something to tell her. Jake won't deal with his feelings about his father dying. Morgan seems kind of over Liam raping her.

 

[Wumbo: Not even a PARAGRAPH in, and I’ve already thrown up a little at how ignorant 70s is. Usually, one does not “kind of get over” being raped. If you’re going to write it, grow a pair of spin-off balls and keep it in the story.]

[Clappy: You know Morgan, I tried my best to feel sympathy for you. I still do, but it’s kind of hard to feel sympathetic when the person that is behind your existence says unbelievably awful shit like this.]

 

Seth and Morgan have become really close... and Seth becomes close to Morgan's mom Heather too: they've been having sex for a while! And Temperance h been acting weird; she broke up with Bryan (but he was kind of wrong to pressure her to have sex when she's not ready), and she has been rude to Anna and Molly for being lesbians. As for Anna and Molly, well... back to them later. Mitchell is in town again, and man is he acting strange. A guy calls him, and says he wants money, then threatens him. Mitchell pays the man, and there are two other men with him. And back to Anna and Molly, their relationship is going strong, but, well...

 

[CNF: Omg just shoot me.]

[Jesus: Would anyone miss me if I left? I did it 2000 years ago without a return and…]

[Wumbo: SIT.]

 

Anna had started to become more and more suspicious of her girlfriend. So she went onto Google and searched her family name, Morrigan. She got tons of results pointing to Irish mythology. It meant phantom queen... great queen... it was once a goddess of battle, strife, and fertility... it didn't age. Could Molly Morrigan just be... the Morrigan? She didn't age, she was never hungry (perhaps craving something else), and Anna had never met her parents. In fact, every time Molly's parents were brought up she turned evasive. Anna impulsively called Molly and said, "What are you?"

 

[Jjs: Did 70s just paste what he wrote at the end of Part 1?]

[shadow: I'm more dangerous than this. CHAOS BLA-]

[Trophy: SHADOW, NOT NOW! IT'S TOO DANGEROUS!]

[betty: Pardon me if I am wrong, but how does one use Google in a supposed underwater setting? Is there no fish pun the author can think of? This is an unfortunate start.]

[Hayden: Once again, this is a very choppy and half-assed attempt at a recap. I think it's worse than the episode itself and that's saying something.]

[CNF: Lol sure haven't seen this before.]

[Clappy: If 70s is going to just copy and paste the exact ending of Part 1, then why can’t I copy and paste the exact riff I gave this sequence…..oh wait, this is 46 pages long on Microsoft Word. Gonna spend my time riffing wisely.]

 

"What do you mean?" Molly asked.

 

"You don't age, do you? And you never eat... and you don't have parents.

 

[shadow: Same here, technically I'm artificial, so the last two don't matter, and if I can survive a fall from space, I'm immortal. Heck I'm a living cure! *sees people getting sick* OH FUCK I FORGOT!]

 

They didn't leave you or anything, and you're not emancipated. You don't have parents. So Molly Morrigan, you're the Morrigan, aren't you? Some thing from Irish mythology. I looked it up."

 

[Clappy: Don’t you mean Irish fishology? Seriously, it’s already bad enough that you have supernatural sea creatures. You can’t jump the shark any harder than that, but dear god man, keep jumping further why don’t ya.]

[Jjs: Well, at least she wasn't linked to Astenias. I'm not sure if this twist is worse though.]

[Hayden: 70s is really bad at setting up characters discovering things. It's nice to not dumb down characters for the sake of plot, but over intellectually-ifying them to progress plot is just as awful. Also...]

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: something]

 

"Anna..."

 

"Tell the truth!"

 

[Trophy:

]

 

"It's late... come to my house tomorrow morning, and we can talk about all of this," said Molly on the other line.

 

[Trophy: Wait, this is a phone call?]

[Wumbo: “I confess. I’m actually heterosexual with slightly homosexual tendencies.”]

 

"No way!" Anna yelled. "I want to talk about this, now!"

 

[Clappy: Well, you spent no time talking about your sexual orientation switch, let the mythological homosexual Irish creature come out as developed as you did.]

 

"Shh, your moher

 

[Jjs: PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE!]

[Hayden: 70s was obviously referring to these... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cliffs_of_Moher ]

 

is probably sleeping," Molly said. "You don't want to wake her up and make this worse. She already doesn't like that we're dating."

 

[CNF: Jeez, not another homophobe.]

[Jesus: Christ.]

 

"We won't be dating if you don't explain yourself."

 

[Clappy: Just like you guys explained your sudden relationship to begin with? If I remember correctly, all it took was a forced kiss.]

 

"Okay, fine," Molly said. "Come to my house now and we can talk. Just sneak out."

 

"Will do."

 

[Hayden: Why didn't 70s just do a time skip to tomorrow morning?]

[Trophy: I’m sure he probably will.]

 

(Theme plays)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQv8CvP4I2A ]

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaZr9zoXJ5k ]

[shadow: That took forever. Curse you 70s.]

[Trophy: Yeah, Shadow is right. I get this is trying to be a tv show. But intros don't last this long.]

 

("Sabotage" by The Beastie Boys [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBjEcAPybsE ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Wumbo: AAH AAH 70S KILLED MCA HE DID IT FUCK YOU 70S FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU]

 

Sandy was finally getting around to seeing Arianna and giving her condolences. 

 

[Clappy: A SpongeBob character sighting is scarier than supernatural sea creatures.]

[Jjs: WHOA! *jumps back* Sorry, it just surprises me to see a SpongeBob character in this every time. It's very rare nowadays.]

[Trophy: *spits soda on Jake again, who hits Shadow*]

[shadow: CHAOS SPHERE! *kills Jake*]

[Hayden: Why the hell does Sandy care about Arianna?]

 

She had been trying to do so for a while, because she wanted her to know that she was sorry for what happened to her parents. She knocked on Arianna's door.

 

Arianna opened up. "Hello, Miss Cheeks," she said.

 

"Hey Arianna.

 

[CNF: Since when do teachers say hey to their students. Or am I missing something here.]

 

Just wanted to say I'm really sorry for what happened to your parents a few months ago. It couldn't have been easy dealing with it."

 

[Trophy: Months?]

[shadow: From Lord Hater even I know this timeline is shitty.]

[Jjs: Her parents died a few months ago and she seems to be coping with it just fine? I like how realistic these jumps through time are.]

[betty: Hey, I jumped 1,000 years into the present, and look how I'm doing.]

[Hayden: A few months ago? Sandy, you're quite slow at this.]

 

"It wasn't," said Arianna. "But when you're dead, you're dead."

 

[Clappy: Someone can sure cope with death wonderfully. I mean after all, wasn’t her parents’ death the 12039234^th fatality on this show?]

 

Then Sandy noticed bodies lying on the floor of Arianna's house.

 

[Jjs: Uh...Arianna?]

[Hayden: Finally, a vampire that doesn't clean up after herself. 70s is making progress with the villains, except in this case it might have been smart to not have those lying around ready to blow your cover.]

[CNF: Cover your tracks you idiot!]

 

"Come in," Arianna said.

 

"I... don't think so," Sandy said, and she started running, getting out her phone to call the authorities.

 

[Clappy: …..dear god…he’s not gonna.]

 

"But I insist," said Arianna, who was already caught up with Sandy. She picked her up, and brought her into the house.

 

[Jjs: So much for Sandy being a karate master-then again, these probably aren't the real SpongeBob characters anyways.]

[shadow: True true.]

[Hayden: Well of course Sandy randomly visiting Arianna's house would end this way. *claps* Congrats on finally finding something to do with her, if 70s had pulled the trigger on this sooner I might have believed this was his plan for Sandy all along, but no dice.]

[CNF: I wish Sandy could karate chop this entire show in half.]

 

She had been feeding lately. Being a newborn was challenging. You had a constant thirst. You took all the blood you could get.

 

"Please!" Sandy said. "Let me go!"

 

[Trophy: The reaction of the people that 70s forced to read this.]

 

"Sorry," said Arianna, not sounding even slightly sincere.

 

"I'm begging you!"

 

[Trophy: DON'T TEAR ME APART LISA!]

[betty: I'm begging to Grob for this to end.]

[shadow: I can always chaos control you out of here if you want.]

 

Arianna destroyed Sandy's helmet, the glass flying onto the floor, landing on some corpes. 

 

[Jjs: "corpes" PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE (2)! Did 70s just stop proofreading? I am now convinced he was too busy writing his vampires to care about anything else.]

[Trophy: Even more precise than Steel landing on CD in ATTWL 3. BOO!]

[Hayden: This is the most painful death scene yet...not because Sandy is a character we've had any time to invest in though.]

 

Sandy struggled for air as Arianna sucked every bit of blood out of her.

 

"Delicious..." she said, and licked her lips.

 

[Jjs: Wow, you actually did it 70s. You actually did it. You killed off one of your badly developed SpongeBob characters. Give this man a trophy.]

[Hayden: *picks up SBC user Trophy and hurls him at 70s*]

[Trophy: HEY! *gets into a fight sequence with Hayden* Besides that, WHY EVEN INCLUDE SANDY THEN!??! SHE WAS POINTLESS!]

[shadow: As much as Trophy and me are friends, I'll just have to tear this out now Hayden, you're lucky!]

[CNF: And business went on as usual...oh wait wrong show.]

 

Sandy lay there, dead. 

 

[Clappy: RIP Sandy. It’s a damn shame. Really it is. There goes the most recurring SpongeBob character in this spin-off. I mean why else should we care about this at all anymore? Even with as little development as Sandy has gotten, I could still feel her presence in this spin-off. Now the characters that make me feel their presence the most are all ones that give me anger and frustration. Hate to see you go Sandy. Especially this illogically.]

[Hayden: It's not every day you see a vampire fish kill an underwater squirrel.]

[Wumbo: I didn’t think a squirrel would survive a cutoff of oxygen and loss of all the blood in her body, but thanks for clarifying her death anyway, for those who may not be as perceptive.]

 

Arianna left her there for a while, but eventually got tired of the squirrel on her floor, and put her in the pile of corpses she had begun to 'collect.'

 

She was still thirsty.

 

[Clappy: Glad to see that. It’s not like we had any clue that she was killing anyone else to begin with.]

[Jjs: So uh...who else was Arianna killing? Not like they were important anyways.]

[Hayden: Will SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward meet the same disturbing and disgusting fate? Stay tuned SBC, even though it turns out none of you ever really were tuned in until you saw these riffs.]

[Trophy: When did we last see Squidward again?]

 

~~~

 

The three men who had turned Mitchell took him to Astenias.

 

[CNF: I like turning people. It makes them dizzy.]

[Wumbo: They turned him. I knew it! Another poorly written homosexual character.]

[Jesus: Sorry to interrupt your supposed gay-dar, Wumbo, but didn’t you say this was Part 2 to a Christmas special?]

[Wumbo: Just roll with it, J-Man. I’m sure they’ll get around to mentioning tidings of good joy eventually.]

[Clappy: Wait, actual men….oh wait, they are vampires…oh wait, they are FISH vampires. Well gee 70s, thanks for the clarification asshole.]

 

"Done, master," one of them said.

 

"Ah, excellent," he said. "Bruce, Fred, Nathan, you have done well."

 

[shadow: Bruce Lee?]

[Trophy: NathanJR94? The MY LEG Fred?]

[Jjs: Wow, I bet it took 70s a long time to come up with those names. Best vampire names ever tbh.]

[betty: Wow, and here I thought Marceline was a bad vampire name.]

[Clappy: Wow, and here I thought Astenias was a bad vampire name.]

[Hayden: Keep the disposable vampire characters coming, the more to kill of the merrier....oh wait, DAMNIT, THEY CAN'T DIE.]

[CNF: Does Bruce happen to be...a shark. *smirk*]

[Wumbo: Fish are food, not friends. JUST EAT THEM ALL PLEASE!]

 

"Thank you," said Fred.

 

"Thank you sir," said Bruce.

 

[Clappy: No, I insist. Thank you.]

[CNF: 

]

 

He was the one who had turned Mitchell.

 

[Jjs: Thanks for the details, it's not like these three will be of importance again anyways.]

[Hayden: So Bruce is the badass lead vampire of the trio just because he turned one person? Nice establishment.]

[CNF: Did he make Mitchell dizzy.]

[Wumbo: So Bruce is the most tempting male under the sea. With a name like Bruce, you gotta flaunt it.]

 

"Thanks," Nathan said. "But I just want to know one thing. Why was this even important?

 

[Wumbo: Coincidentally, that question can be asked about 90% of the writing in this spin-off.]

[Clappy: Why are ANY OF YOU important? You guys are probably going to be one and done characters anyway…no wait. You won’t…and you know why? BECAUSE THIS SPIN-OFF SURE LOVES ADDING AS MANY CHARACTERS AS POSSIBLE TO CONFUSE THE FUCK OUT OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US.]

 

What do you want from Bryan Errin?"

 

[Clappy: I’m glad you asked because I asked this same exact question TWO EPISODES AGO AND STILL HAVE NO ANSWER.]

[Jjs: That's still a good question.]

[betty: Maybe he has the cure to save Simon. If not, then out with him.]

[shadow: No, the cure to bring Maria back?]

[Hayden: Nathan has critical thinking skills. Perhaps he is a formidable adversary for our "protagonists" after all.]

 

Astenias looked repulsed, as if he had just consumed terrible food.

 

[Jjs: He's probably reading this spin-off.]

 

"I warned you not to ask questions. Bruce, Fred, kill him. Now."

 

[Hayden: Oh so vampires can kill other vampires? Like Jordin and Pandora. How the hell does this work exactly? BUT NO NOT NATHAN, ALL HE WANTED WAS PRECIOUS ANSWERS TO THE POINT OF HIS MISSION, YOU'RE KILLING THE ONLY GOOD ONE!]

[Jesus: All this vampire nonsense. I wish they’d get back to good Christian values, like homophobia!... On second thought, let’s see where this goes.]

 

"No!" Bruce said. "He's our friend."

 

[Clappy: Since when? Since when did ANY OF YOU EVEN HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HIM!?!?! ELABORATE 70S. THAT’S ALL I ASK FOR DAMMIT.]

 

Astenias's pupils suddenly grew, and he told them again, "Kill him."

 

They both got blank looks on their faces, and they beat Nathan to a pulp.

 

[Jjs: Why am I not surprised, it's not like he was going to be important anyways. Maybe this is why Astenias barely has any henchmen, some evil mastermind you are if you can't even keep your own henchmen.]

[Hayden: Astenias killing all his henchmen should totally wind up being his downfall. "GODDAMNIT FRED, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BLINKING? BRUCE MURDER HIM OR I'LL KILL YOU TOO!"]

[Trophy: Don't vampires not feel pain?]

[Pain Bot: Pain pain pain.]

[shadow: YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE!]

[Lord Hater: *backs away*]

 

They then threw him to the ground outside, and lit him on fire.

 

[Jjs: FIRE UNDERWATER]

[betty: I jumped through time. Anything is possible.]

[Hayden: That'll teach him to think in this story.]

 

"How did you do that?" Fred asked. "We're not supposed to be able to compel our own kind."

 

"I'm older than you, and stronger," Astenias said. "Now, go. And remember to not ask questions."

 

[shadow: I'm the all seeing eye. NO QUESTIONS ALLOWED!]

[Clappy: But they have to ask questions because all the contradiction that comes out of your mouth leads to more questions than answers, ASStenias.]

[Jjs: Questions are the vampires' greatest weakness. Mainly in this spin-off, such as asking: "Why are vampires even in this spin-off?" Uh-oh, now Astenias will kill me.]

[Hayden: "So what did you want us to do again?"]

 

"Yes, sir," they said, and left.

 

Mitchell was left on the floor, writhing in pain.

 

[Trophy: Who cares? He deserves it.]

[Wumbo: A whole night of anal will do that to a guy.]

[Jesus: For my sake, will you SHUT THE FUCK UP.]

 

~~~

 

Anna arrived at Molly's house, with a stake in her jacket. Yes, she thought she was the Morrigan, but what if she wasn't? What if she was a vampire? Anna -- regrettably -- had read Twilight,

 

[Trophy: Same for anyone sane that read it.]

 

and the vampires in Twilight didn't age. The vampires in Twilight also did not have to eat, or it was not necessary for them to. 

 

[Jjs: I think at this point 70s is just intentionally trolling us.]

[Hayden: Anna and I both have regrets about the reading material we chose to focus on.]

[CNF: Anyone who read Twilight must die.]

[Wumbo: HAHAHAHA at Twilight apparently being the expert’s guide to vampires.]

[Clappy: If Twilight is the source for anything vampire related, then no wonder everything vampire related in this spin-off has been nothing but a massive disappointment.]

 

So, it was also likely Molly was a vampire. But if she was, would a stake kill her? It wasn't the way to kill vampires in Twilight, after all. But she doubted Twilight got much right. It was worth a shot.

 

[Jjs: Well, at least 70s acknowledged the book's stupidity.]

[betty: Even Mind Games was better than this drivel.]

[Hayden: Stakes are common vampire killing lore, if you can look up what the hell a Morrigan is, you can look that up too.]

 

Molly opened the door, and Anna staked her in the heart. She was unaffected.

 

[shadow: Do you think much?]

[Jjs: That's....not creepy. She just...randomly goes into her house, and tries to kill her? What goes through these people's heads?]

[Clappy: Creepy? More like hilarious. That’s the perfect way to greet your life partner. *opens door* *stabs in heart* Brilliant. Just brilliant.]

[Hayden: So much for having that special relationship bond. Anna doesn't even bother to hear her out, if Molly was just a normal human being that probably would have also killed her so....]

[CNF: What the fuck just happened.]

 

"Sorry, no," Molly said. "Not a vampire, but nice try."

 

[Jjs: If Anna just looked up what a Morrigan is, shouldn't she know what their weakness is? What was the entire point of this scene? PADDING POLICE!]

[shadow and Trophy: Uhhhhh...]

 

~~~

 

Veera was shaking Naomi, trying to wake her up. Eventually Naomi opened her eyes.

 

"...What?" she mumbled.

 

"Get up," said Veera forcefully.

 

"What do you want?"

 

"To get you better. I know you're doing drugs again, and I'm taking you to rehab."

 

[Jjs: Uh-oh, incoming Naomi bitching in 3....2....1...]

[Hayden: NO VEERA STOP BEING A PARENT, REHAB IS NOT THE ANSWER TO THIS PROBLEM THAT YOU STARTED ENTIRELY AND NAOMI HAS NO BLAME FOR!]

[Clappy: Rehab won’t solve being a self centered egotistical bitch….but definitely the drug problem.]

 

"What?"

 

"You need help, and I'm finally getting it for you. Now let's go."

 

"But it's really late... why now?"

 

"Because," Veera said, "I was tired of just sitting there, being worried about you. I was tired of feeling like a bad, lazy parent. Now let's go and get you help."

 

[Wumbo: “In other words, I’m doing this totally for me, to show what a good parent I am. Try wrapping that around your drug-addled brain.”]

 

Naomi hesitated, but she got up

 

[shadow: The only normal thing ever done in this story.]

[Jjs: Wait...Naomi didn't bitch? I'm impressed.]

[Hayden: I think that was the most shocking twist so far this chapter.]

[Clappy: Don’t hold your breath folks, this is Naomi we’re riffing.]

[CNF: What a twist!]

 

~~~

 

Jordin was thirsty. Her throat felt dry, and there was the pain that she could just never get used to. She turned to her sister. "Would you like to come with me?"

 

[Jjs: 70s sure loves saying these vampires are "thirsty'...what exactly is he trying to imply here?]

[Hayden: Well of course Vampires are thirsty, I doubt they have Jex very often.]

[Clappy: Wasn’t this suppose to be a Christmas special? Enough with The Vampire Fish Diaries shit. Get me in the holiday spirit for Wumbo Christ’s sake.]

[shadow: They don't drink their daily 8 glasses of water, shame on them!]

 

Without missing a beat, Dora said, "Yes."

 

[CNF: That's not Spanish Dora.]

[Trophy: Si!]

 

They were just traveling for hours, when suddenly, Jordin stopped. Dora stopped with her.

 

"Hersht doesn't trust you," Jordin said. "Is he right not to?"

 

"What? Why?"

 

"Stop playing dumb," said Jordin. "You're hunting intelligent creatures."

 

[betty: From what I have read thus far, I wouldn't call anything in this realm "intelligent".]

[Hayden: Most of what's in the Land of Ooo isn't all that intelligent itself, though I'm certainly not defending your claim.]

 

"It's only on a sustinence level."

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: sustenance]

 

"You were still deceitful, and you're still hunting them," said Jordin. "So it's not relevant that it's only on a sustinence level."

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: sustenance

 

Okay yeah, 70s definitely stopped proofreading.]

[Trophy: Sorry guys, but Shadow and I are so dumbstruck that we need to skip a few scenes.]

 

"Well, to answer your question, you can trust me, and so can Hersht," said Dora. "Now, I just hunted, and I'm rather tired. So goodbye." She was out of sight almost instantly.

 

[betty: And...what did this add to the plot? I feel like flying away in my carpet now.]

[Jjs: Nope, we're sticking through this together.]

[betty: Uggggh fine, but if I get a headache from this, I'm blaming you.]

[Hayden: So when does the Christmas theme of this special come back in? This vampire shit feels like it's been going on forever.]

[Jesus: Tell me about it. No seriously, tell me about it, because I was told there’d be Christmas, and I’m not reading one more page of this shit until I get it!]

[Wumbo: There ya have it, folks: Bikini Top is enough to piss off The Lord Himself.]

[Clappy: I really have nothing for this scene. Any scene involving Jordin and Dora anymore bores the fuck out of me.]

 

~~~

 

Molly was in the kitchen, making she and Anna coffee. She brought it in, and handed Anna a mug.

 

[Clappy: Someone got over the apparent assassination attempt quickly.]

[Jjs: Making coffee for the girl who tried killing you...does everyone in Bikini Top have a bipolar disorder? It would explain a lot.]

[Hayden: "Maybe if I make her coffee she'll like me again. Oh god, what if I'm being too desperate?"]

[CNF: We all know Molly just wants Anna's body.]

 

"So really, what are you?" Anna asked.

 

[Jjs: That's like the 5th time you have asked that now.]

[Hayden: What the hell are you Anna? Oh that's right, a recurring attempted murderer. .....Wait how did they arrest Anna without Hersht's body? Do the police not care about where the heck it went? Never mind too many questions, Astenias might be watching.]

[Clappy: Not only is she a recurring attempted murderer, but she is also a sexually confused lesbian with trust issues….but enough about that, what are you for the umpteenth time.]

 

"Whatever I am, you seemed completely willing to kill me with this," she picked up the stake. "Where did you even get a stake?"

 

"Sloppy writing," Anna said.

 

[CNF: Wut.]

[Clappy: At least Anna is aware of 70’s awful writing.]

[Jjs: ...Nah, too obvious. Does anyone think 70s wrote this just so it could be riffed in the future?]

[betty: In that case, I could've written a few more books with Simon.]

[Hayden: I'd imagine a stake isn't very hard to find, since it's just made of wood, but self deprecation is only a good thing to combat your ego 70s.]

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Anyways, you're avoiding my question," said Anna. "What are you?"

 

[Jjs: OH MY GOOD STOOPP]

[Trophy: A female.]

[shadow: An artificial hedgehog.]

[Hayden: I think the real question is "When are you?", my dear]

[CNF: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.]

[Wumbo: Talk about your sloppy writing.]

 

"Your first guess... was right," Molly said. "I'm the Morrigan."

 

[Clappy: BBBBBOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!]

[CNF: THE MORRRRRRRRIGAN! OH THE HORROR!]

[Wumbo: I’m personally more put off by The Morgan, and everyone else in this shit-off.]

 

"Should I be... scared?"

 

[CNF: Be very VERY afraid.]

[Trophy: If she's related to Morgan, then yes. Unless if it's Morgan Freeman.]

 

"Oh, no," Molly said. "And actually, I'm not the Morrigan. I'm a Morrigan. There are actually very many of us. We don't age, so that's why that old lady recognized me from way back when. We come from above the water, in Ireland."

 

[Clappy: Seriously, for the love of God. There are not multiple Morrigans 70s. Do your actual research on shit like this before including it into your shitty fan-fiction because this is just awfully forced and just a horrendous plot twist.]

[betty: The One Who Claps is right, my dear 70s. If a loser like me can do research, so can you.]

[Hayden: I'm Irish. That's just as relevant to this riff as that Molly backstory was.]

 

"Why are you underwater?"

 

[Clappy: WHY IS ANY OF THIS UNDERWATER!?]

 

"I can transform into lots of things," said Molly. "Like a wolf, a cow, and a horse. But most importantly, an eel

 

[Trophy: That's important?]

[shadow: How? I'm out. *runs off*]

[Trophy: NOOO....dangit, well, I'm on own from here on out.]

 

or a regular old fish, which is what I am now. Or I can just be a human."

 

[Anna: "So anyways, what are you?"]

[Hayden: These characters could have all just been humans.]

[CNF: I just imagine them all as humans when I'm reading.]

[Wumbo: I tend to imagine them as 70s’ tortured puppets, but sure, humans, whatever works for you guys.]

[Clappy: What would a wolf be doing underwater? Or a cow? Or a horse? Or a human? I’m done asking questions.]

 

"Can you turn others into those things?"

 

"Yeah, but it's not easy."

 

"So... what can you do?"

 

[Wumbo: She can transform into a bunch of animals! What, is that not GOOD enough for you?]

 

"I'm pretty much a witch, but better," Molly said. "I'm also -- or was, I guess -- a goddess of battle, strife, and fertility... which is why I knew that Naomi was going to have a miscarriage as soon as I met her." 

 

[betty: If that were the case, I could've predicted the Mushroom War much sooner.]

[Hayden: Well that's one *coughterriblecough* way to expand an LGBT character into something more than just a token lesbian.]

[Clappy: Witches are now in this spin-off? Why not? Let’s include minotaurs next because why the fuck not. It’s quite clear that 70s wants to include as many mythical fucking creatures as possible. No, but really. I bet you guys anything that he will have werewolves appear the fuck out of nowhere and that’s the day I officially lose my mind.]

[Wumbo: I knew the gays would start aborting our babies! This is a Republican’s worst nightmare.]

[Michael Moore: You called?]

[Wumbo: Michael Moore?! Renowned liberally-minded documentary maker?]

[Michael Moore: No, Michael Moore, the pizza guy you called about an hour ago? Hey, how do you know my-]

[Wumbo: Pizza’s here, guys! And unless you’re gonna riff, get out.]

[Michael Moore: But I still need to get pai-]

[Wumbo: GET OUT! Ahh, nothing like the sweet smell of mozzarella to offset the bad taste this spin-off puts in my mouth.]

 

"Then why didn't you stop it?"

 

"While I can stop things like that from happening, I don't like to," Molly said. "It's better to let things just happen on their own.

 

[Wumbo: How about you don’t Doc Brown us with bullshit and tell us that you hated that bitch.]

 

Long story short, I'm nothing to be afraid of."

 

[Clappy: I’m afraid of you. I’m afraid of all of you. Bikini Top is starting to appear in my nightmares.]

 

"So, are you the only myth that's real?"

 

"Oh, no, no, no..." said Molly. "There are plenty more."

 

"How about vampires?"

 

"Oh, they're very real."

 

"Could a stake kill them?"

 

"Yeah, if used correctly," said Molly. "Has to be right in the heart, like you did to me. So nice job."

 

[Wumbo: “Your brute violence skills are impeccable.”]

 

"Speaking of that, how do you kill... you?" Anna asked.

 

[Jjs: Anna, you little murderer. You already went to Juvie once...]

[Hayden: Anna STAHP. Why the hell would she or should she have to tell you that after what you did five minutes ago?]

[Clappy: Why would Molly kill herself? She’s not Temperance.]

 

"I think I've told you enough for tonight, Anna," Molly said.

 

"Please tell me."

 

"Really, no. I'm sorry, but I wasn't planning on telling you anything, at least not yet."

 

"Why?"

 

"Because I want to be normal, especially now that I've met you. You're this amazing person, and I'm a monster."

 

[Clappy: Oh Molly. None of you are normal. None of you are amazing. You are all monsters.]

 

"You're not a monster," Anna said. "You're a goddess. And even if you were a monster, you'd be my monster."

 

[Hayden: What a sweet sentiment that means jack shit.]

[boo: Kitty.]

[Wumbo: “My monster that I want to know how to kill, for… reasons.”]

 

"You seemed pretty determined to kill me with the stake."

 

[Clappy: Well she is an ex-convict for a reason.]

 

"It was just an impulsive thing," said Anna. "If it would have worked, I would have regretted it for the rest of my life."

 

[Trophy: Considering the lifespans of everyone in Bikini Top, that probably wouldn't have been long.]

[Hayden: No you wouldn't have, because she'd never have had the chance to explain anything to you and you'd think your vampire hypothesis was correct since it killed her...]

 

Anna kissed Molly.

 

"I love you, my monster," Anna said.

 

[Clappy: I love you so much I want to stab you in the heart some more.]

[Hayden: Somehow I doubt she wanted you to keep calling her a monster.]

[Wumbo: Plot twist: Molly is a Lady Gaga fan.]

[Jjs: ("The Monster by Eminem ft. Rihanna [listen here-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8DzY2gNMrQ ] plays throughout the scene)

 

This would've been a perfect choice for the scene if it came out then.]

 

Molly was shocked Anna was taking this so well. She smiled, and her entire face lit up.

 

"I love you too."

 

[Hayden: I'm not sure if this is the most tolerable romance the show has attempted or the worst.]

[Clappy: I would vote for the worst if it wasn’t for the out of nowhere Seth/Heather romance.]

[sully: Kitty's gotta go now.]

 

~~~

 

("A Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives [listen here- 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

[betty: I wouldn't call this "Holly Jolly" so far.]

[Jjs: Oh yeah, this is a Christmas episode.]

[Hayden: HOLLY JOLLY MOLLY. FINALLY. Unless that song is the only thing Christmas-y about this entire episode.]

[CNF: HOW DARE YOU USE THIS CLASSIC ON YOUR PIECE OF SHIT 70S! I will now have to sacrifice 70s.]

[Trophy: It's completely opposite, now that even Shadow left.]

[Jesus: Oh good, some Christmas finally. Of course, 70 never matches the mood with his songs, so for all we know, this is a Halloween scene.]

[Clappy: This is a Christmas special? I almost forgot with all this vampire shit.]

 

SIX DAYS LATER

 

[Jjs: At least 70s forewarned us about a time skip this time.]

[Hayden: I wonder if Sandy's disappearance was noticed in any of those six days.]

 

Jake and Bryan finish unwrapping presents from Tori, and thank her.

 

"You really went all out, Mom," Jake said.

 

"Yeah, thank you so much!" said Bryan.

 

"Well, it's you boys' last Christmas here..." Tori said, starting to cry. "I'm really going to miss you."

 

[Jjs: I like how Tori is more upset over them instead of Larry.]

[Clappy: Well Jjs, since this is Bikini Top, she is afraid they won’t live for another five episodes.]

 

"It's okay, Mom," said Jake. "We'll visit when we're in college. We'll be here."

 

[Jjs: I'm surprised they even got accepted into college to be honest.]

[betty: It must not be a high ranking one.]

[Clappy: If they live to make it to college.]

 

"Really?"

 

"Of course. You need that, and honestly, I do too."

 

"That means a lot, Jacob," said Tori. "More than you can imagine."

 

"Well, we have to go," Bryan said. "We have to go visit Naomi at rehab."

 

"Oh. How's she doing?"

 

"We don't know," Jake said. "But we're about to find out."

 

"Well, have fun, I suppose."

 

[Jjs: Yeah, because rehab sure is a fun place.]

[Hayden: Don't have too wacky of a time visiting your mentally sick "friend".]

[Wumbo: Warms the cockles of me heart, especially in between the vampire sacrifices.]

[Clappy: Have fun visiting your painkiller obsessed drug addled whore of a friend.]

 

~~~

 

("Jingle Bell Rock" by Bobby Helms [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpxNNalLTB4&NR=1 ] plays througout the scene)

 

[Clappy: Ah, what a light-hearted holiday tune to play throughout a scene....at a drug rehabilitation center?]

 

Bryan, Jake, Seth, Anna, Molly, Temperance, Jackie, and Morgan go to Naomi's room in the rehabilitation center.

 

[Jjs: Speaking of Seth...is 70s actually going to do anything with him other than having him follow the gang and bang Morgan's mother...actually, I want to forget that happened.]

[Hayden: Christmas in rehab, seems appropriate for these characters.]

[Jesus: At least it’s finally Christmas for more than one scene in a row.]

 

"Hey guys," she said. She seemed pretty happy.

 

[Clappy: Because she’s back at the Disney World for drug addicts.]

 

"Hey Naomi," Morgan said.

 

"Why so happy?" Anna asked.

 

[Wumbo: “Yeah, I mean, you have no reason to be happy, you psycho bitch! Am I doing the friend thing right yet?”]

 

"Well, remember where I was this time last year?"

 

[Clappy: At the same place wasn’t it? Oh, some things never change.]

 

"Oh, yeah..." Anna said.

 

[Jjs: Uh....no, I don't remember. *rereads Season 1* Oh, she was in rehab last year as well..so why was she being so vague about it?]

[Trophy: I thought she was doing cocaine still.]

[Hayden: "Spending Christmas in rehab every year is the best, I don't have to be near that bitch Veera."]

 

"Where was she?" Molly and Seth asked in unison.

 

"It's a long story," said Jake.

 

[Clappy: *gives Molly and Seth copies of the first season of Bikini Top*]

[Hayden: As new members you don't get to know anything.]

[Wumbo: She was in rehab. What’s so long about that? I know one of the words is multisyllabic, but you seem to have a handle on it, I think.]

 

"Anyways, how are you doing?"

 

"Pretty good," Naomi said. "My mom's been here to see me every day. And if you think about how we were acting towards each other last year, that's good too. So I don't really have much to complain about."

 

[Jjs: At least Naomi isn't being a bitch to her mother anymore. Should we call that character development?]

[betty: I'm not sure if any of this counts as development.]

[Hayden: The miscarriage baby miraculously fixed their relationship, that totally counts as character development Betty.]

[Clappy: I thought it was Naomi bullying Veera into submission that changed their relationship?]

[Jesus: It’s all part of my master plan.]

[Wumbo: What? You made her have a miscarriage?]

[Jesus: But don’t you see? It made her happy!]

[Wumbo: I guess… say, you don’t seem much like the Jesus type! All this swearing, and laziness, and debauchery… who are you, really?]

[“Jesus”: Hahahaha! It’s me, you fools! Wearing yet another disguise on the Internet! You can’t escape… The TRAVISDOME!]

[Wumbo: *casually picks up 70s and tosses him out the window* Thank God that’s over. See guys? It was never really Jesus! So I’m totally not going to Hell! Heh heh…]

 

"You're right," Jackie said. "Last Christmas I was worried sick about being pregnant and I got kicked out of my house. This Christmas I have an awesome daughter and awesome friends, one of whom I'm even living with."

 

[CNF: Everything is NOT awesome. See what I did there.]

[Trophy: Stop ruining an awesome song.]

[Clappy: Talk about….improvement?]

 

"Last Christmas my dad died," Bryan said. "This Christmas... or at least, a few months before this Christmas... my adoptive dad died. So this isn't a great Christmas either."

 

[Jjs: I can definitely tell Bryan cares about both.]

[Hayden: Maybe next Christmas his mother will die.]

[Wumbo: Nobody cares, Buzzkill Bryan.]

[Clappy: He won’t even be alive by next Christmas at this rate.]

 

"I'm having a great Christmas," Anna said. "I'm with my beautiful monster."

 

"...Beautiful monster?" Seth asked.

 

"Oh, you had to be there," said Molly.

 

[CNF: So much for keeping it a secret to the world.]

[Clappy: What? No recap about how Anna became a murderer and turned into a lesbian…ok.]

 

"Doubt it," said Temperance. "This still seems totally inappropriate. We're here to visit someone who did drugs, and that's wrong. And we're here with two lesbians -- also wrong! I'm leaving."

 

[Jjs: You know, there's the option of...just not going near them or talking to them. It's better than this passive-aggressive bitch routine.]

[Wumbo: Actually, I’d count this one as aggressive-aggressive. All that’s missing is the “God hates fags” protest sign.]

[Hayden: What the fuck did you come for then Temperance? You didn't even try to preach to them.]

[CNF: Temperance go fuck yourself. Oh wait, you wouldn't do that.]

[Clappy: You know Temperance, I’m pretty sure you tried to commit suicide which also makes you wrong. You are quickly catching up to Naomi fast on my awful character list.]

 

"Peace, bitch!" Naomi called to her as she left.

 

[CNF: That's the best line that has ever come out of your mouth.]

 

~~~

 

("Santa Baby" by Eartha Kitt [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7T0IK99ELs ] plays throughout the scene)

 

Heather was home when she heard the doorbell ring. She went to see who it was, to see Seth standing in front of her with a wide grin.

 

[Jjs: OH BOOOY. So tempted to skip this scene.]

[betty: Nope, we're going through this together.]

[Jjs: Fine..I'm going to need some of the pizza Wumbo ordered to make it through this on. *grabs a slice*]

[Trophy: SHADOW, HELP ME! *grabs a pizza slice as well*]

[Clappy: FFFUUUU……I’m tempted to take this scene off.]

[Hayden: "Let's get out that mistletoe, honey cakes."]

[CNF: Wouldn't it be great if Heather's Christmas present was that she was pregnant?]

[Wumbo: Christ, not another “wide grin”. I know the prospect of having sex just totally brings you unbridled glee, but stop with this creepy imagery.]

 

"Seth!" she said. "What are you doing here?"

 

[Hayden: What the hell do you think he's there for?]

[Wumbo: Candygram.]

 

"Everyone's at Jake and Bryan's place,

 

[Trophy: Wait, weren't they at rehab one scene ago?! Unless Doctor Who is messing with this show's timeline as well...INCONSISTENCY POLICE!]

 

so I figured I'd come and see you," he said. "I wanted to wish you a merry Christmas."

 

"Oh, well merry Christmas, Seth," Heather said kindly.

 

"Merry Christmas, Heather," Seth said. He kissed her passionately. For once, she did not protest. After the kiss, Seth said, "I love you, Heather."

 

"I love you too, Seth."

 

[Jjs: Right now I don't know what is creepier: The fact we have pedophilia, or the fact I'm trying to process a Seth MacFarlane x Heather from Total Drama shipping in my head.]

[Hayden: Heather, you can do so much better than this.]

 

Seth got down on one knee. "Heather Reid... will you--"

 

Heather looked extremely surprised. "I-I don't know what to--"

 

[Trophy:

]

 

"--be my girlfriend?"

 

Seth opened a black box containing a beautiful diamond ring.

 

"Oh," Heather said. She cried tears of joy. "...Yes! Yes, of course I will!"

 

[betty: Okay...on second thought, maybe Jjs was right about skipping this scene. See you guys next scene.]

[Hayden: Who buys a diamond ring to ask someone to be their girlfriend? Let alone some creepy middle aged woman?]

[CNF: Well that was a bullshit reveal.]

[Wumbo: Is this just… completely okay in 70s’ head? He has no problems with this whatsoever? If there’s going to be a homophobe in the spin-off, can I be the pedophobe of the riffers?]

 

"Awesome!" Seth said, and he kissed her again.

 

"How much did this cost?"

 

"A lot..." said Seth. "But you're worth it. I wanted to get you a great Christmas present."

 

[Trophy: Shouldn't he have gotten a discount for it?]

 

"You did," Heather said. "You really did. I really haven't been this happy in a long time, and it's because of you. I do love you."

 

"I have even better news," Seth said. "January 22nd is my eighteenth birthday. Then, what we're doing here will be legal, and maybe we can even start telling people!"

 

[Jjs: Yeah, because telling people about a young man dating a woman sure is a great idea...]

[Hayden: "We can even change our Fishbook statuses!"]

 

"We'll see..." said Heather. "But I don't know if Morgan will like that."

 

[Wumbo: I certainly don’t. What makes you think she might?]

 

"You're right," said Seth. "Maybe we should wait a little longer."

 

"Maybe."

 

[Hayden: Seth, Heather, Morgan, and Liam can all go on one disturbing double date together.]

[Wumbo: Yes, WAITING to tell your daughter that you’ve been banging the only guy she trusts sounds like a novel idea. While you’re at it, why not wait to tell her she’s adopted too? Is she adopted? I don’t know, whatever.]

[Clappy: …..so much for taking this scene off. I unfortunately read every single moment of this awkward creepy as fuck mess. What happened to the Seth that didn’t want to get involved with this circle five episodes ago? Why can’t we have that Seth back instead of the creepy pedophile bait that this Seth has become?]

 

~~~

 

("All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXQViqx6GMY] plays throughout the scene)

 

[CNF: You know what I want for Christmas? For every character on this show to burn in hell!]

[Wumbo: NOOOO SWEET MARIAH WHY WOULD 70S DO THIS TO YOUUUU]

 

Naomi is sitting on the couch in her room at the rehabilitation center. She had enjoyed seeing her friends visit... minus Temperance, who she didn't really consider her friend anymore. An employee at the rehab walked into her room and said, "Miss Duncan, there's a visitor here for you."

 

"Who is it?" Naomi asked curiously. Her mother had been there to see her right before her friends, so she doubted it was her.

 

"Someone named Trevor," said the employee.

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, he exists.]

[Hayden: How long before Trevor becomes group member number 10? They don't seem very picky.]

[Clappy: You mean Trevor isn’t already a member of this group? He sure seems like it.]

 

"Let him in," said Naomi.

 

The employee went and got Trevor, let him in the room, and shut the door.

 

"Hey..." Trevor said.

 

"What do you want?"

 

"You."

 

"What?" Naomi asked.

 

"I've missed you, and I went to your house earlier to say merry Christmas, and that's when I really realized it. Your mom told me you were here, and I came as fast as I could to tell you I love you, and I missed you, and I was a real jackass for not being there for you when you were pregnant, and when you had the miscarriage."

 

[Jjs: Wow, that had to have been the most half-assed apology, like ever.]

[betty: You want an apology? Try Simon's from my debut episode. Of course, there's the whole fandom backlash over that one, but that's a story for another day.]

[Hayden: To be fair, Naomi needs to apologize to him first for being a raging bitch.]

[Clappy: These two really deserve each other.]

[Jason Derulo: Man, this guy’s a douchebag.]

 

Naomi sighed. "Well, you tried to be there for me when I had the miscarriage, and you were there for a while. But I kind of pushed you away."

 

"And you had every right to," said Trevor. "You were upset, and you had every right to be. We were going to have a child, and it was taken away."

 

[Trophy: So this is 70s whenever he gets a girl pregnant. Note taken.]

 

"Well, you're right," said Naomi. "I should have been upset. But not at you."

 

"Yes, you should have been! You were obviously going through a really tough time when you were pregnant, and I wasn't there. I was just thinking about myself, and what it would do to me, and not what you were going through, so I deserve for you to be upset at me. I'm upset at myself."

 

"I can't argue with that," Naomi said. "But you need to stop being so hard on yourself. It couldn't have been easy, me telling you I was pregnant the way I did... so suddenly, and in front of so many people. I didn't give you much time to deal with things either."

 

[Jjs: THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD EVERYONE IN THE FIRST PLACE. *eats more pizza*]

 

"We both had faults with this..." Trevor said, and nodded his head. "But the fact is, I don't like the way we ended things." He sat on the couch next to her, and kissed her. "I love you, and I'm not letting you go."

 

[Jjs: So he's going to bang her in a rehab center? Well...

 

Hohoho...Merry Christmas?]

[betty: I don't think this is the same Christmas we used to celebrate.]

[Trophy: Or in our or Shadow's worlds.]

[shadow: STOP MENTIONING ME! IT'S JUST AS BAD AS THIS BEING MENTIONED WITH IT! *zooms off again*]

[Hayden: That was a semi-decent conversation, too bad Trevor and Naomi pushing each other way was barely a thing anyways.]

[Clappy: Wow, I actually have no complaints here….it’s a Christmas miracle.]

 

~~~

 

("Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnIqLlBwzrc ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: Regardless of this being a "Christmas" special, does 70s know that upbeat Christmas songs don't fit into his whiny drama scenes?]

 

After everyone was gone, Bryan and Jake cleaned up the house. There was gift wrap everywhere. While they were doing so, Mitchell walked in.

 

"Grandpa, you're back!" Jake said.

 

[Hayden: From paying people to kill your father and then turning into a vampire.]

 

"Yes, I am, Jacob!" said Mitchell, and he gave Jake the same awkward hug as usual, and Bryan the same more-awkward handshake.

 

[Wumbo: Haha, because he’s old, get it? Get with the times, Gramps!]

 

"Where've you been, Dad?" Tori said, when she saw him walk in.

 

[Clappy: He’s been gone for nearly a week and just now you are wondering where he went to? After all, he was staying with you.]

 

"I had to leave rather suddenly because there was an emergency at the company... no need to worry though, everything is fixed," Mitchell said.

 

"Oh," Tori said. "Well... welcome back."

 

"Thank you dear," he said, and hugged his daughter. "You boys need some help picking up?"

 

"Sure," said Bryan and Jake simultaneously.

 

[Jjs: Pointless. Next scene!]

[Hayden: How goddamn long does it take to pick up wrapping paper?]

[Clappy: Another week.]

 

~~~

 

Molly was driving Anna home, when Anna asked, "So... am I in any danger being with you?"

 

[betty: Being with anyone in this spin-off is a danger.]

[Hayden: No, but she's in danger being with you nutjob.]

 

"No," Molly assured her. "Being with me is perfectly safe right now."

 

[Clappy: Except for occasional stabs from stakes.]

 

"It's the 'right now' part that worries me," Anna said. "I mean... could it ever come to be dangerous for me or my friends and family?" 

 

"I'm not going to lie," said Molly, "it's possible."

 

[Clappy: I bet Anna loves her little monster now even more doesn’t she?]

 

Anna sat there silently for a while.

 

"But I will keep you and everyone you love safe, even if it does come to that," Molly said. "You are the most important part of my life, Anna. I'll do anything for you."

 

[Clappy: Even more so than her parents….if she has any…that haven’t been murdered yet.]

 

"I'm... the most important part of your life?"

 

"Of course," Molly said. "Haven't I told you that?"

 

"I don't think so," Anna replied. "But... you're the most important part of my life too."

 

"Good to know," Molly smiled.

 

"I'm serious!" Anna said. "I love you."

 

[Clappy: No one in this spin-off knows what love is. Not even the writer.]

[betty: They should ask Jay T. Dawgzone for advice. Sure, they aren't the best, but the romance tips are hundred times better than this drivel.]

 

"I love you too," Molly said.

 

"My monster..." said Anna.

 

[Jjs: Maybe this lesbian relationship would be more interesting if anybody in this spin-off was actually interesting, but everything surrounding this relationship is forced.]

[Hayden: But all that forced dialogue is so mushy and romantic. They've got to be the real deal! All the trials and tribulations have brought them together, and oh that part about liking music being in common, that's a pretty big thing that few people really share.]

[CNF: whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.]

[Clappy: God this “my monster” pet nickname is getting absolutely disgusting. And not in a cute way because this lesbian relationship still feels shoved down our throats for absolutely no reason except for 70s making us think “OH LOOK HOW EDGY MY SPIN-OFF IS”.]

 

~~~

 

("Christmas Tree" by Lady Gaga [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cP8RzHHhVI ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: Oh, of course. Please show me how a Lady Gaga song is going to fit into this..wait...taking off clothes....OH GOD, DON’T TELL ME THIS IS WHAT I THINK IT IS...]

[Hayden: Oh, oh a Christmas? My Christmas Tree is delicious?]

[Wumbo: So all that “monster” bullshit was in fact an allusion to the Lady Gaga song coming up. Bravo, 70s.]

[Clappy: …OH YEAH THIS SONG….IT’S SO HILARIOUSLY BAD…..]

 

Seth and Heather are lying in bed after having sex.

 

[Jjs: FUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKK. I'm gonna need more pizza.]

[Clappy: Thanks for the commentary Jjs. They did fuck. It’s illegal as fuck too.]

[Trophy: WANDER, HELP US!]

[Wander: Sorry, my hat is being fixed and my limbs are bandaged for today only.]

[Trophy: Why did I have Lord Hater leave to fight Jesus after last episodes comments?]

[betty: I haven't even made it there yet with Simon. Crazy kids these days.]

[Wumbo: That’s KID. Crazy KID. As in, only ONE of these people are underage.]

[Hayden: Light me up put me on top let's fa-la-la-la let's go?]

[CNF: Welp, I called the Christmas Sex.]

 

Seth gets out of the bed and puts his clothes back on.

 

"So... I'm not your first, am I?" Heather asked.

 

"Of course not," Seth said. "At my old school... well, let's just say I got around."

 

[Clappy: No wonder he fits in so perfectly with this group.]

[Hayden: I would have never guessed the kid sleeping with an older woman was a man-whore.]

 

"Oh..." Heather said.

 

"That's okay, right?"

 

"Of course," Heather said, slightly meaning it. "I just wasn't expecting that, that's all."

 

[Hayden: I'm sure you've gotten around Heather, though you've had 20 or so more years to accomplish such.]

 

"Yeah, most people don't" said Seth. "I was just going through a hard time, and well... I had a lot of sex during that time. But this, it's not just for the sex -- even though the sex is, like, AWESOME -- and I hope you know that."

 

[Jjs: HO HO HO UNDER THE MISTLETOE YES EVERYBODY KNOWS WE WILL TAKE OFF OUR CLOTHES]

[Clappy: None of these people sound like they’ve had sex…EVER.]

 

"I know it's not just for the sex," Heather said. "But you're right. The sex is... awesome." And she took his shirt off.

 

"But... I just got dressed," he said, then shrugged and took off his belt.

 

[Jjs: And 70s' sex fantasies continue to be as weird as you expect. Next scene!]

[betty: I've read Adventure Time porn more interesting than this. Whoops, did I say that one out loud?]

[Hayden: What? More sex with you? But taking off my clothes again is such a hassle...]

[CNF: Them balls gonna be dry.]

[Clappy: 70s needs to quit writing porn and just watch it.]

 

~~~

 

("12 Days of Christmas" [listen here- 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Wumbo: Well, this is one of the worst, most repetitive, most overrated songs in the history of Christmas music. Naturally, it would show up here.]

 

Morgan and Jackie were driving home, with Charlea in the back seat.

 

[Clappy: Oh yeah…Charlea…she exists. Almost forgot.]

 

"Jackie... I have to tell you something, and please don't be upset with me," Morgan said.

 

"What is it?" Jackie said.

 

"Like I said, don't get upset."

 

"Fine, fine," Jackie said, and nodded her head. "I won't get upset."

 

"Promise?"

 

"I promise."

 

"I kind of still have feelings for Jake."

 

[Jjs: Yup, it's official. Everyone in this spin-off has a bipolar disorder.]

[betty: And I'm not curing it.]

[Hayden: Where's Liam when you need him to beat some sense into this girl?]

[Trophy: I know a 2 year old named Liam... THIS IS SO DISTURBING MAN, STOP REMINDING ME!]

[CNF: Oh for fuck's sakes just die already.]

[Clappy: Well gee….that came out of nowhere.]

 

"Go for it."

 

"What?"

 

"You heard me," Jackie said. "Go for it. I'm done with Jake. We're better as friends."

 

[Clappy: I mean it’s not like we have a kid together and it will make things less awkward for you two.]

 

"Really?"

 

"Really."

 

"Thank you!"

 

"You're welcome," said Jackie.

 

"Well... we're here."

 

[Clappy: That’s it? The dialogue couldn’t have been even more redundant?]

[Hayden: The End. Morgan and Jake lived happily ever after and Jackie was their maid of honor.]

[CNF: So you're allowing your bestie to likely get herself fucked by the guy who had a child with you. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.]

 

The two got out of the boatmobile, Jackie carrying Charlea in her arms. They walked inside.

 

"Mom's probably asleep," said Morgan. She went to her mother's door opened it, and saw her and Seth in the act.

 

[Jjs: HA, YOU CALLED IT HAYDEN.]

[Hayden: WOOHOO I'D LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY OF OBVIOUSNESS.]

[Clappy: What? No sock on the door? Come on Heather, I thought everyone knew that.]

 

"Mom!" Morgan yelped.

 

"Seth!" Jackie said, and covered Charlea's eyes.

 

[Wumbo:  ]

[Jjs: Hey, Charlea needs to witness it. She'll probably grow up as a hungry sex addict like everyone else.]

[Hayden: I hope that's Charlea's first memory.]

[Clappy: I hope Morgan files a police report…oh wait they’ll deny her again for not having enough evidence.] 

 

"This is disgusting!" Morgan yelled.

 

Seth quickly got under the blankets and said, "We're in love!"

 

[Wumbo: “I’m sorry, I just love the way she dutch ovens me! That’s why I’m under the blanket, in case you were wondering about that.”]

 

"You're in WHAT?" Morgan asked.

 

[betty: Love. Definition: an intense feeling of deep affection.]

[Trophy: I've heard "dove" used in this situation.]

[Hayden: Seth, you coward! Just face the music and the same aged daughter of your love affair like a real man.]

 

"Love," said Heather. "I'm sorry for not telling you."

 

[Clappy: But you were so busy trying to figure out if the police are going to accept your rape request.]

 

"How long has this been going on?" Morgan asked.

 

"A few months..." said Seth.

 

"Oh my GOD!" Morgan said. She stormed up to her room.

 

Jackie said, "For the record... I'm kinda happy for you guys. So yeah, good for you." She walked upstairs.

 

[Clappy: Yeah, I’m happy that you Heather are going to be a registered sex offender. FOR LOVE.] 

[Wumbo: This is the spin-off that breaks me. I can feel it coming soon.]

[Hayden: Jackie, please go kill yourself.]

[CNF: I'm with Hayden on this one.]

[Trophy: Jackie's last line was more disturbing than a penguin giving a kid a wedgie.]

 

"Well, that was awkward..." Seth said.

 

[Jjs: Creepy as hell, and yet also unintentionally hilarious. This scene is probably the only thing I'll laugh at in this spin-off. Though, I am going to still consider calling the Pedophile Police soon.]

[Hayden: No Seth, that was amazing. Especially that totally realistic reaction from Jackie.]

[CNF: I have heard rumors that Heather and Seth continued fucking after this but it was cut out of the show because it was too "awesome."]

[Heather: *fart*]

[Wumbo: FART IMAGERY: HIGH ART… wait, that one was mine.]

[Clappy: I would feel awkward too if someone was completely fine with my illegal relationship.]

 

~~~

 

Bryan, Jake, Tori, and Mitchell were sitting in the living room watching Christmas specials and drinking hot cocoa.

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, this is a Christmas episode.]

[Hayden: Where's this scene's designated Christmas song?]

[Wumbo: I’m just disappointed that “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” wasn’t the theme for that last scene.]

 

Mitchell got a call on his phone.

 

"Hello?" he said as he walked outside.

 

"You home?" Astenias asked on the other line.

 

"Of course," said Mitchell.

 

"And you know what you must do?"

 

"Yes, master."

 

"Bring me Bryan Errin."

 

[Jjs: Astenias keeps wanting Bryan Errin...but never explains why. Is 70s trying to imply something here...? I'm not going to assume anything, but... *calls Pedophile Police* I...might need you guys soon, we have one pair, and a potential second one. Stay close by.]

[Clappy: Maybe Astenias wants Bryan as badly as Heather wants Seth.]

[betty: I hope not, we already have one grob-awfully developed homosexual pair.]

[Hayden: Astenias is a pedophile too? Too bad Bryan's barely been focused on and thus not much of a major player in this story anymore for this to feel like it matters.]

 

~~~

 

Temperance was home with Brenda, Tristan, Mikayla, and Alex. She was starting to feel sad about the way she was treating her friends, particularly Anna, Naomi, and Molly. She sent a text to the three of them that simply said: "Sorry."

 

[Jjs: Wow, that was quite possibly the most lamest resolution to anything, ever. I'd rather take more Temperance being overly religious now.]

[Hayden: I'll say, this had so much potential. 70s could have had Temperance try and sacrifice one of the three to Jesus. More missed opportunities.]

[CNF: Nope, doesn't cut it Temperance.]

[Wumbo: srry but ur gayness still offends me lol plz don’t be upset

Also, when was Molly ever her friend? I’m pretty sure she hated her from the start because of her orientation.]

[Clappy: ….is this Temperance’s way of repenting for her sins? May the power of Christ compel you then Temperance.]

 

~~~

 

Jackie was in her room putting Charlea into her crib when her phone rang.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Jackie... it's me, your mother."

 

"What do you want, Sarah?"

 

"I wanted to say merry Christmas," Sarah said. "And tell you that I kicked your father out and I want you to move back in with me."

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Hayden: Well, it only took you a year to decide your daughter was more important then living with an asshole husband.]

[CNF: This show is so full of twists, it could be a pretzel by now...that is, a pretzel found in the garbage and full of mold.]

[Wumbo: “Sure Sarah, right after I compliment Seth on his doggie-style technique.”]

[Clappy: I bet we’ll never find out why she kicked the husband out because it’s Bikini Top.]

[Trophy: And where is he supposed to go to now? Calling it right now: He either joins Astenias, or he's never mentioned again. Both seem like fair and possible guesses.]

 

~~~

 

("Christmas Lights" by Coldplay [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1rYmzQ8C9Q ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: Wait....the title as the end song...is this a montage? YES!]

 

Temperance prays for her mother.

 

[Jjs: *prays for a less painful episode*]

[betty: *prays to Grob*]

[Hayden: *prays for Temperance to stop being written so badly*]

[Trophy: *prays for it being over and not needing - the thing that doesn't want his name mentioned again in this*]

[CNF: *prays for this show to get the axe*]

[Clappy: *prays for this episode being almost over*]

 

Naomi and Trevor kiss, and Trevor leaves for the night, promising to be back tomorrow.

 

Anna and Molly cuddle on Molly's couch, watching TV.

 

[Trophy: CUDDLE TIME!]

[Clappy: At least there is no vomit-worthy pet names being dropped.]

 

Jake and Morgan talk on the phone, Morgan slightly flirting, while her mother tries to apologize outside the door.

 

[Hayden: Flirting with a boy while your mother tries to apologize for sleeping with your classmate? That's....not odd or anything.]

[Wumbo: Morgan… recovers from a lot of things oddly well, doesn’t she? Could she be A SUPERNATURAL BEINGZZZZ????!]

[Heather: *in a muffled voice* Morgan, I’m sorry I fucked your friend. Don’t file a police report.] 

 

Seth leaves Heather's house, feeling sorry for hurting Morgan, but at the same time being happy because Heather accepted his ring.

 

[Trophy: Meh, Morgan deserves pain for what she's doing now.]

[Hayden: Not like Morgan can blow up your inappropriate relationship now and make that ring useless.]

[“We all know what you meant” Police: Did you mean: cock]

[Clappy: I mean especially after telling Heather how many girls he slept with before her. Seth is really starting to get up there on the douche-meter.] 

[Jjs: With all the sex jokes and the naughty pairing, this must really be Seth MacFarlane.]

 

Bryan got a call from his mother, who is wishing him a merry Christmas, and letting him know she'll be visiting soon.

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, she exists.]

[Hayden: How nice of her to not even come down for Christmas.]

 

Jackie lies in her bed, wondering if she should move back in with her mother.

 

Arianna burns all the corpses in her house.

 

[Jjs: FIRE UNDERWATER]

 

She starts to feel something. She's not thirsty... just sad. She actually misses her parents. This is her worst Christmas ever.

 

[Hayden: But I thought becoming a vampire made you super evil forever and not be able to feel anything or do anything besides serve Astenias?]

[CNF: Oh NOW she's removing the evidence, but only 6 days after you murdered Sandy. Are the police that stupid?]

[Wumbo: Well, at least someone’s miserable.]

[Clappy: Wumbo, we are all miserable….and not because of what’s happening with any of these characters.]

 

Morgan gets off the phone with Jake, and starts to cry. Seth was supposed to be her friend. Why would he have sex with her mother?

 

[betty: The same reason my boyfriend was cursed, be grateful you twat.]

[Jjs: You know, I just realized something...

 

Where's Liam?]

[Hayden: Will she be upset if Liam starts banging her mom too?]

[Wumbo: ….actually, no, I’m not going to comment on Hayden’s line. No joke here, move along, move along.]

[Trophy: HAYDEN, STOP REMINDING ME OF THE 2 YEAR OLD I KNOW!]

[CNF: Morgan I have already explained this: Seth thinks your mom is a milf. Okay?]

 

Anna and Molly get Temperance's text and decide they will forgive her.

 

[Clappy: Wow, that was sure fast to get over discriminatory eternal damning quickly.]

[Hayden: Boo.]

[CNF: jfjfadjsjfksjlsjlkdls fuck this shit.]

 

Naomi gets Temperance's text and rolls her eyes.

 

[Jjs: And that's all folks! Uh...Merry Christmas?]

[Hayden: Feliz Navidad. Wishing you a safe vampire free holiday.]

[CNF: Naomi actually has some common sense left in her.]

[Clappy: Naomi vs Temperance….now that would be a deathmatch….in my nightmares.]

 

---

 

I spent a lot of yesterday and most of today writing and editing this

 

[CNF: You edited? Cause I didn't see any evidence.]

[Wumbo: What a waste of time.]

[Jjs: Wait, no "MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP" section? I am disappointed.]

 

and picking out music so it would be perfect,

 

[CNF: Sorry nope, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.]

[Wumbo: Your spin-off does not deserve perfect music.]

 

so reviews would be absolutely adored. 

 

[Jjs: I'll give yah a review boy:

 

70s, these were by far your most tedious, idiotic, and offensive episodes yet. Please don't try to write about religion, mythology, lesbians, and pedophilia ever again. I complained about last season's "Christmas" episode not having a Christmas theme, and it looks like 70s didn't learn for this two-parter. At least we got this two-parter riffed in time for Christmas in July. Also, this "epic dramatic" supernatural stuff has officially crossed the line. I could tolerate it at first, but now it is getting ridiculous. Still, at least I can somewhat say I'm interested in what happens next...not really, more in a bad way.]

[betty: I've read a ton of books throughout my lifetime, and holy Glob I must say this gave me a headache. See you later, I have a cure to find. *flies off in magic carpet*]

[Hayden: Nice try lying 70s, but we both know you didn't edit this. I feel like 70s keeps introducing plots and then half-assedly resolving them because he doesn't know what to use them for anymore. I'll give him this, I'm surprised the episode didn't end on Bryan getting kidnapped by Mitchell, guess that's for next episode. Wouldn't want this becoming a three parter now would we?]

[CNF: Welp, I finally get to take a break from riffing this piece of shit after 3 straight episodes. Till next time, stay gold

 

*flies into the sunset*

 

Bang.]

[Wumbo: God, what a pile of shit that was! Just… I can’t even talk right now. I need a break. *eats pizza* Anchovies?! All right, Jesus may not have been riffing with us, but somebody up there doesn’t like me one bit.]

[Trophy: It was so bad, that I can't even do a long detailed review anymore on this. I'll just say when even Shadow the Hedgehog himself can't finish riffing this, there's a problem. Later hater!]

[Clappy: *notices that all this took 51 pages in Microsoft Word*

 

Wow…just damn. 51 fucking pages? You know, I take back anything positive I said about how interestingly bad this show was getting. This was pure absolute hell. Somehow he made Part 2 much worse than Part 1. Congratulations 70s. You edited and picked out music perfectly for everything that was occurring? You sir are a liar…oh wait, I bet you are use to us calling you that by now…right? Har har har….seriously this was painfully bad. I can’t believe I spent nearly two hours figuring out ways to describe how atrocious this holiday special was. If I read one more episode involving “vampires” or “witches” or “little monsters”, it will be far too soon. Thank you and good night everybody.]

[Wumbo]

In 70s' world, "better" apparently means "longer".

[Metal Snake]

Good riffing. You got to give Molly credit, Anna TRIED TO KILL HER, and she's just like "Lol, no big deal." I think this is what would've happened if she were any other supernatural monster...

 

Molly: AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! *breathes heavily from pain from the stab wound*

Anna: Oh shit...

Molly: ADIOS, ANNA! *sucker-punches her through the heart*

[Wumbo]

But she's not any other monster. She's Anna's monster <3

[Clappy]

But she's not any other monster. She's Anna's monster <3

I was literally nauseous after reading that line umpteen times.

[Jjs Goodman]

Bikini Top Season 2
 
21. To All of You
22. Look After You
23. Hallelujah
24. I'm Just A Kid
25. Gossip Hurl
26. Fade to Black
27. Eet
28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)
29. Christmas Lights (Part 2)
 
30. Dream a Little Dream of Me:

Spoiler

S2E10 (30)- Dream a Little Dream of Me:
 
[Jjs: Well everyone, we're back to just the same old normal episodes now. I'm kind of glad, I need to recover from that ridiculously long Christmas two-parter.]
[sOF: I'm also back to riffing! Hopefully it doesn't bore me, which it probably will.]

 

Last time on a special Bikini Top... Anna discovers what Molly is. Read the episode to catch up on that. It was amazing. Basically, she's this thing called the Morrigan. Yeah, awesome.
 
[Metal Snake: Yeah, I love rubbing my ego, awesome.]
[sOF: What if I don't want to read it, and follow-up question: What if I don't think it was amazing?]
 
Anyways, it's Christmas. Naomi is in rehab, and Temperance is being rude to her for using drugs, and rude to Anna and Molly for being gay. She apologizes to them all, but Naomi doesn't accept. Naomi and Trevor get back together. Seth and Heather's romance continues, and Seth gives her a ring. They seem to make each other very happy. Seth admits that at his old school he slept around, but promises Heather it won't happen again, and that his relationship with her is not based on sex. Morgan and Jackie walk in on them having sex (after Jackie gives Morgan the okay to date Jake), and Morgan is upset, since she and Seth are close friends. Arianna kills Sandy, and starts to feel bad about what she's become. Molly promises that being the Morrigan won't put Anna and her friends in danger, and if it does she can easily handle it. Bryan gets a call from his mother letting him know she's coming to Bikini Top to visit. Jackie's mother wants her to move back in with her after a year of being apart: she tells Jackie she kicked her father out, and Mitchell is now a vampire, and he's back in Bikini Top. His mission from Astenias is to bring him Bryan. The question is... Why?
 
[sOF: Thanks for that recap, but also no thanks. So glad I missed all of that.]
[Metal Snake: Better question. Why should we care?]
 
"Ugh," said Temperance. "Naomi won't text me back! I've apologized to her a billion times."
 
[Metal Snake: Holy crap, I’m shocked she’s not texted you back to tell you to stop spamming her.]
 
"Maybe she doesn't think you deserve her forgiveness..." said Mikayla, who was in the kitchen with her, making pancakes for breakfast. "I don't."
 
"Excuse me?" Temperance asked. "God says you should forgive people,
 
[Metal Snake: Hmm, that’s the most sensible thing PostRescuedByAsspull!Temperance has said. Maybe she’s not completely unlikable…]
 
which is why I forgave HER for being a... heathen. She's a heathen. And I forgave her for that. To do that, I had to apologize to her; if I meant it or not isn't relevant, since she's wrong and I'm right."
 
[Metal Snake: ...Son of a bitch.]
 
"You know what?" Mikayla said.
 
"What?" Temperance asked.
 
"You need to shut up," Mikayla said.
 
[sOF: This can be said to every character in the spin-off.]
[Metal Snake: Man, Temperance could have a chance of being a likable (or at least tolerable) character if she just listened to this girl.]
 
"I moved back here to be closer to you guys--"
 
"--Excuse me?"
 
[Metal Snake: --The Dash disease--IT’S SPREADING THROUGH THE AIR!]

"If you say excuse me one more time, I swear..."
 
[Vickie Gurrero: EXCUSE ME?!]
[Temperance: Excuse me, can you please pass the salt…*Mikayla punches Temperance*]

[Jjs: The ... ellipses... disease is... spreading ... again...]
 
"You came back here because you're not intelligent, and you didn't do well in college, so you're going to procrastinate until Bikini Top University opens next fall, and fornicate with any man with a pulse until then!"
 
[Metal Snake: Ha ha, of course. The only “Christian” character in the main cast is being intentionally written to be the most unlikable. That is in no way a reflection of 70s’ views. A ha ha…]
 
Mikayla scoffed. She picked up the pancake batter, walked over to her sister, and poured it on her head.
 
Temperance ran to the bathroom, crying.

 

[Jjs: Oh no, not another anorexic plot...]
 
"Bitch had it coming..." Mikayla said to herself, and got out a box of cereal.

 

[sOF: CEREAL! Forget your sister's emotions, because I have a bowl of cereal to eat, bitch.]
[Metal Snake: Wow, thank God Jesus isn’t guest riffing this, or he’d be pissed.]
[Jesus: Seriously, what is so difficult about showing one’s cheek?]
[Jjs: Oh hey 70s.]
["Jesus": 70s? Child, what are you talking about. I'm the real deal, whoever that Jesus was last episode was definitely an impostor...]
[Jjs: Hey look, I see Chord Overstreet!]
["Jesus": WHERE!?]
[Jjs: *locks 70s!Jesus out of theater* You didn't learn anything last time pal? On with the riffs!]
 
(Theme plays)
 
[sOF: I’ll post this for jjs:

]
 
That night was New Years' Eve. I now present to you... First moments of 2011 montage! Brought to you by Fish Shark's New Year's Rockin' Eve!
 
[sOF: We're at New Years' Eve already?]
[Jjs: I am now fully convinced Doctor Who is speeding up time in this spin-off. That's for the best, whatever gets this done sooner.]
[Metal Snake: Uh, who the hell is talking here? Those last three lines weren’t treated as character dialogue. Who’s announcing this, Steve and the Hobo from the Bus Station?]
[steve: Yeah. Hey, it was basically a free dollar.]
[Hobo from the Bus Station: I wish 70s had given me my pay in change. ]
 
("Hello Sunshine" by BarlowGirl [listen here- 

] plays throughout the montage... BROUGHT TO YOU BY FISH SHARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE!)
 
[Metal Snake: Who’s “Fish Shark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve?” A band? A group of street performers? The new “cool” name for New Years Eve? EXPLAIN!!!]
[sOF: Oh haha I get it, it's a parody of Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve. How clever...not.]
 
Jake, Bryan, Morgan, Mitchell, and Tori all shout, "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Jake impulsively kisses Morgan.
 
[Metal Snake: Okay, I’ve got to ask now. What is up with this “impulsive kissing”? Why not just “kissing”? I wouldn’t find it cute if someone kissed me on impulse, that implies it was an involuntary action and that they need help… O_O]
 
Heather and Seth passionately kiss and smile at each other. They say "Happy new year," in perfect unison, and kiss again. They tell each other how happy they are, and how they're in love.
 
[Metal Snake: 70s had himself a pencil and notepad ready as he read those romance novels…]
 
Anna and Molly clap as the ball drops in New Kelp City
 
[Jjs: New Kelp City? What a strange place to watch...oh right, underwater.]
[sOF: Possible research failure here folks...wasn't New Kelp City known to be a scummy and deadbeat place in Whatever Happened to SpongeBob, so why would it host a countdown? Then again, not like 70s cares about the SpongeBob world.]

 

and they get to view it extremely clearly on Fish Shark's New Year's Rockin' Eve...
 
[Metal Snake: I’m sure this band/group/whatever appreciates being stood on. So much that they gave you enhanced vision.]
 
the BEST way to ring in the new year under the sea!
 
[Metal Snake: Wow, even in the descriptions, I can feel 70s’ pretentious attitude. And ring in? Did this mystery group also teach them how to sound like bells?]
 
Tristan and Brenda kiss as Alex and Mikayla sleep and Temperance is in her room, with her bed neatly made, and everything neat and tidy... though she feels empty.
 
[Metal Snake: Cleanliness is next to emptiness.]
[Jjs: And I want a better plot, and I want some better character development, and I want something interesting to happen...]

 

Everyone in Naomi's rehab cheers.

 

[Everyone in rehab: "Woah, we are suddenly being mentioned now?"]

 

Naomi does as well: one day closer to getting out and being with Trevor.
 
[Naomi: *tunnels through passage with spoon* And they said breaking out was hard to do...MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!]
 
Jackie is with her mother, Sarah. She just moved back in with her. As the ball drops in amazing quality
 
[Metal Snake: BEST. DESCRIPTION. EVER. The ball DROPPED in amazing quality. Yeah, the quality was so amazing that everyone ignored the fantastic stunt it did jump over the shark tank afterward.]
 
thanks to Fish Shark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, Sarah cuddles Charlea and Jackie smiles. This feels right. She thinks she made the right decision by coming back.
 
Arianna watches Fish Shark's New Year's Rockin' Eve... but does not feel any joy... BUT IT'S NOT THE SHOW'S FAULT.
 

[Jjs: Wow, ALL THESE CAPS sure show the emotion. Say what you will about 70s, but at least he was showing joy while writing it!]

[sOF: Funny, since I'm not showing any joy reading this.]
[Metal Snake: ...I take it back. THAT was the best description ever beyond a shadow of a doubt, for three reasons...
 
1. The double use of “but” was lulzy enough, but 70s went the extra mile by having the second “but” statement be in allcaps to emphasize the lulziness. Give him a hand.
 
2. We already had it figured out that the show wasn’t what was making “poor poor” Arianna feel joy-deprived, but 70s wanted to make absolutely sure we knew so we wouldn’t be confused. That was really nice.
 
3. We finally got an explanation of what Fish Shark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve was. A show. While one would assume it refers to the live event of the ball dropping on New Years (70s could’ve just told us that from the start, but he cared about the suspense obviously), the ambiguity of the noun allows the show to be whatever the reader desires it to be. It can be comedy, action, romance, or even an entirely new genre all together. May 70s be praised. ]
 
She doesn't want to be the monster that she is. She's a monster, she is.
 
[Redundancy Department: Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you 70s in that house which is a house on the street on this block, in this town, which also has lots of drama, with lots of drama.]
[sOF: You're a vampire. You killed people. Sorry, you're a monster.]
[Metal Snake: I don’t want to be the riffer that I am. I’m a riffer, I am. Was 70s trying to parody Hamlet?]
 
She is the first to admit it. But she wants to make the fish who made her become a monster pay. The fish who killed her parents. The fish who made her so thirsty. The fish who made her kill so many other fish.
 
[sOF: I like how 70s kept saying "fish", it's like to remind us this is underwater.]
[Metal Snake: Arson, Murder, Jaywalking, and Murder. Redundant? You bet. “Become a monster” and “Made her so thirsty” have the same point...she was made a vampire. Way to drive it in.]
[Redundancy Department: Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you 70s in that house which is a house on the street on this block, in this town, which also has lots of drama, with lots of drama.]
[Jjs: For shame 70s, calling the Redundancy Department twice in a row.]
 
It was terrible.
 
[sOF: So is this spin-off.]
 
That fish had to pay. Dora had to pay.
 
[Metal Snake: Pay...pay...you’re all going to pay…]
 
~~~
 
There is a ring on the doorbell,
 
[Jjs: Why would someone put a ring on the doorbell?]
 
and Bryan goes to get the door.
 
"SURPRISE!" Zoe and Zack say as they open the door.
 
[Metal Snake: Wait, how could Bryan, Zoe, and Zack all open the door at the same time? And yes, I dare 70s to answer that question with “Sloppy writing.” >.>]
[Jjs: Oh yeah, Zoe and Zack exist. You know, I'm still wondering why Zoe seemed fine being separated with Bryan back in Season 1, along with leaving him here. She didn't even bother to take him in after Gordan died (along with the fact she was at his funeral)...mother of the year, or do we have some INCONSISTENCIES?]
 
"Not quite..." said Bryan. "You told me you were coming."
 
"But not when," Zoe said, and winked.
 

[sOF:  ]
[Metal Snake: Proofread Neglect Police! But not when. BUT. NOT. WHEN. Not only does that statement show a lack of respect for the English language, it also shows a lack of respect for BASIC LOGIC. NO CREATURE WOULD EVER RESPOND TO WHAT BRYAN SAID WITH “BUT. NOT. WHEN.”! Is this story turning into a TROLLFIC? Seriously, let’s count the signs...
 
1. Lack of proper spelling/grammar
2. Out of place fourth wall breaks
3. Self-awareness of bad writing
4. Completely WTF death scenes
5. Entirely unbelievable dialogue
 
That’s my new theory...Bikini Top became a trollfic after 70s was disappointed with the less-than-stellar feedback of Season 2. 70s, you sly, sly man…]
 
"Yeah..." Bryan said. "Anyways, come on in."
 
Tori beamed.

 

[Metal Snake: Lasers from her eyes.]
 
"Oh, we have company!"
 
"Hello," Zoe smiled at Tori.
 
"Welcome to our home," said Tori. "I'll show you to your room."
 
[Metal Snake: When was it established they were staying over for the night? Imagine…
 
“Hey guys, just stopping by to say hi…”
“Wonderful, I’ll show you to your room!
“Huh? But I’m not…
“GET TO YOUR ROOM!”]
[sOF: So Tori runs a hotel now? Sweet, another new development for me to remember that I'll probably forget anyways.]

 

~~~
 
("You've Got the Love" by Florence + the Machine [listen here- 

] plays throughout the scene)
 
Upstairs, Jake and Morgan are sitting in Jake's bedroom.

 

[sOF: Oh god, please no more sex scenes...]
 
"So... we have to talk about what happened last night," said Jake.
 
[Metal Snake:  ]
 
"Gah, it's last year's prom all over again," Morgan joked.
 
Jake laughed.

 

[Jjs: It's a good thing Jake is laughing, because nobody else is.]
 
"You know, it's just fun to be with you," said Morgan. "Even though we had our differences, we've both grown a lot,
 
[Metal Snake: Ha ha, it’s funny because it’s not true.]
 
and I think it would be wrong for us not to give this thing another go, you know?"
 
"Totally..." Jake agreed. "I didn't know you wanted to be with me."
 
"How could I not?" Morgan asked. "You're funny, and sweet, and... hot."
 
[Metal Snake: Mostly the last part. The rest is just, well you know. Alright to have around.]
 
She unzipped his pants, and took off his shirt and his belt.
 
[Metal Snake: Then she put his thingy in his you-know-what.]

 

"Wow..." Jake said. "You really have changed."

 

[sOF: I...do not think a person changes just by undressing...]
 
Morgan kissed him, running her hands through his hair, and then took off her shirt.
 
[sOF: And 70s' sex fantasies continue to get worse and worse. Moving on!]

[Jjs: Poor Charlea...oh well, she deserved a better father, mother, and name anyways.]

 

~~~
 
Anna was sitting there in Molly's house while Molly made lunch.
 
[Metal Snake: A witch’s brew, I’ll assume.]
 
"So can you eat?" Anna asked her.
 
"I can," said Molly. "It just doesn't do anything."
 
[sOF: How does that even work? Does she just eat food and it disappears in her stomach?]
[Metal Snake: Not even make you go to the bathroom? Actually, I’m surprised 70s didn’t use this scene as an opportunity for some bad toilet humor. He probably has other plans for trolling us…]
 
"Oh," Anna said. "Cool."
 
"Cool?"
 
"Yeah, cool. Just learning about what the Morrigan does is... cool."
 
[Metal Snake: COOL AS IIIIICCCCCEEEEE!]
[sOF: Cool story bro...actually no, none of this is "cool".]

 

"Well I'm glad I'm so cool."
 
"You should be."

 

[Jjs: Molly is one cool Morrigan.]
[Metal Snake: That entire scene of dialogue was not pointless and getting Molly oriented with modern slang will certainly contribute to a crucial part of the story. What, it’s good to take a break from being cynical every now and then.]
 
~~~
 
Naomi was sitting in the rehab, absolutely giddy. Her bags were packed next to her. Her mom was on her way to pick her up, and take her home. She would get to be with her friends again, and see Trevor. But, she would also have to see Temperance, who apparently thought that a simple "sorry" over a text message would be enough to earn back her friendship. Yeah, right.
 
[Metal Snake: Wait, A simple sorry? Did the other billion apologies just vanish into thin air? And oh please, you’re no better than Temperance. You’re both detestable drama queens who wouldn’t even be in the shit you’re in if you just cared about people other than yourselves. Makes me sick.]
 
She watches 56784 while she waits for Veera to come. After the episode is over, she listens to music on her FishPod. She taps her foot to the music,
 
[Metal Snake: Which foot? Her right? Her left? Even if she has two left feet, you still got to specify.]

[Jjs: Oh right, 70s' parody of 90210 returns, and FishPods...wait, are people even allowed to bring electronics like iPods in rehab anyways?]

 

waiting for her mother to arrive. Eventually, Veera knocks on the door.
 
"Mom!" Naomi said, and smiled.
 
"Ready to get out of here?" Veera asked.
 

[sOF: Of this episode? I wish.]
[Metal Snake: We’re busting outta this taco stand wide open… *cocks gun*]
 
"Oh, definitely," said Naomi.
 
"Sorry I couldn't be here for New Year's Eve," Veera said. "I fell asleep on the couch at home.
 
[Metal Snake: ...That’s her excuse? Wow, no wonder she doesn’t have a job.]
 
I was planning to come."
 
"It's okay, Mom."
 
"Great," Veera said, and smiled.
 
[Metal Snake: Great that it’s okay you slept on the couch. What.]
 
"Let's go."
 
"Yeah, let's."
 
[sOF: Yeah, let's move the episode forward already, I don't feel like calling the Padding Police...]

 

The two of them walked out as Naomi bid farewell to the friends she had made at the rehab, and reflected upon how rehab had changed her.

 

[Jjs: Too bad the audience will never get to know these friends.]

 

She wasn't going to worship God like Temperance -- she wasn't an atheist or anything, she just didn't want to really overdo it like Temperance.
 
[Metal Snake: ...Two things.
 
First, how do these fish know who God is? Where in the world did Neptune go? Did he die and go to heaven where he met God who resurrected him so he could convert all the fish to Christianity?!
 
Second, how can there be atheists in the universe of Spongebob (granted SB is still relevant in Bikini Topiverse) if they have Neptune, the established God of the sea who’s also established to be real? This...just doesn’t add up.]
[Jjs: Metal Snake, you forgot the #1 rule: Don't think about anything in this spin-off.]
 
She was just going to try to be a better person. No more drugs, for sure. And maybe she could start volunteering for the community or something.
 
[Metal Snake: And maybe she could help make the world a better place or whatever.]
[Jjs: Maybe she can start by cleaning Bikini Top of its stupidity. But that would be almost impossible to accomplish.]

[sOF: Or she could pick up litter, only to get a billion tickets from the orange fish cop. Would be a great punishment for her.]

 

"Hey mom, do you think that I could volunteer?"
 
"I think that would be a great thing to do, babe," said Veera.
 
[Metal Snake: Pfft….wut. It’s “honey”, not “babe”. It’s a mother-to-daughter conversation, not boyfriend-to-girlfriend.]
 
"Thanks," said Naomi. She liked the dynamic she and her mother had now.
 
[Metal Snake: If you mean a dynamic character, then you’re right about your mother technically, for her personality changed. You, on the other hand, are still flat as cardboard because you’ll always be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Beating people up and bitching at your mother ring a bell?]
 
They had never been this close.
 
[Jjs: 

]
 
~~~
 
("Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars [listen here- 

]
 
[Jjs: Where's the "plays throughout the scene"? 70s, now this could mean anything. We need to know what it is playing for!]
 
Jake and Morgan lay in Jake's bed under his covers, panting and sweating.
 
[Metal Snake: Bruno Mars is a decent artist, but I would not play his music while having sex…]
[sOF: More awkward sex scenes? Well, I'm skipping the rest of this one.]

 

"I can safely say that was the best I've ever had," Jake managed to say.
 
[Jjs: AND WE FUCKED ALL NIGHT, TO THE BEST SEX EVER! WE KNEW EVERY SOUND, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER!
 
...Come on, that was perfect.]
 
"Same..." Morgan said.
 
Jake got out of bed and put on his clothes, and gave Morgan hers'. "So..." he said as he combed his hair.
 
[Metal Snake: I LIKE IT WHEN I COMB MY HAIR.]
 
"So..." Morgan said, putting on her shirt.
 
"Do you want to go on a date tonight?"
 
"I thought you'd never ask." She got out of bed and kissed him tenderly.
 
[Metal Snake: Never cared much for the adjective “tender”, but at least it’s far less unfitting for a kiss scene than “impulsive”.]
 
"Awesome."
 
"Jake?" Morgan said.
 
"Yeah?"
 
[Metal Snake: Is it finally time to say something stupid to destroy this moment?]
 
"I'm sorry for hurting you."
 
"I'm sorry for hurting you too."
 
They kissed again.
 
[Metal Snake: Man, does 70s have a fetish for kissing scenes? That’s the fifth time this episode characters have kissed. I wonder if he finds them more stimulating than sex scenes…]
[Jjs: Wow, because couples totally get back together after two lines of apology.]

 

~~~
 
Tori was out buying food with Mitchell and Jake and Morgan were out on a date, so Bryan was alone with Zoe and Zack.
 
[Metal Snake: I’m hungry, and speaking of which, two people are out on a date, so some dude is alone and I like run-on sentences.]
 
"So... have you been to your father's grave lately?" Zoe asked.
 
"Yeah, I went last week," Bryan said.
 
[Metal Snake: Actually, you didn’t. Because THAT wasn’t your father’s grave!
 
 ]
 
"Oh."
 
"Bryan, there's something your mother wanted to tell you," Zack said.
 
"What is it?" Bryan asked.
 
[Metal Snake: “She wants you to check your e-mail. She said she has some interesting stuff for you to read now that you’ve not checked in it over twenty-five episodes."]
 
"We want you to..." Zoe said.
 
"Want me to what?" Bryan asked when she stopped talking.

 

[sOF: "We want you to stop getting STDs from all the sluts here, now stop asking stupid questions."]
 
"We want you to move to WaterFalls," Zoe said. "There's not really anything here for you, is there?"
 
[Metal Snake: "Well, there's the drama and the vampires I'm sure I'll find out about in the near future."]

 
"What?" Bryan cried. "How about my friends and my school?"
 
"You can make new friends," Zoe said.
 
[Metal Snake: You sicken me… Friendship is the most powerful force in the universe. Friendship is forever.]
[sOF: Hey, I'm all for it, whenever gets Bryan away from these so-called "friends".]

 
"I'm in the middle of my senior year," said Bryan. "It's too late for me to move."
 
"It's never too late," said Zoe.
 
[Metal Snake: Never too late to flunk your senior year?]
 
"Meh..." Zack said. "Maybe he's right. He's almost done with school. We could wait. He could come visit this summer."
 
"I suppose you're right," Zoe said, and she sighed. "Well, we can enjoy our visit while we're here."
 
[Metal Snake: And of course, you say that right after “It’s never too late.”. Fickle much? Imagine having Zoe as a leader in battle.
 
Zoe: WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER!
Zoe’s Advisor: The enemy does have an advantage.
Zoe: Guess you’re right. Let’s give up.]
 
~~~
 
Mitchell and Tori were driving home from shopping with the radio turned on. "Bottoms Up" by Trey Songz ft. Nicki Minaj (listen here- 

) played on the radio.

 

[sOF: Yes 70s, please show me how a Nicki Minaj song is going to fit here.]
[Metal Snake: Whoa, a song is actually playing in the story? What sorcery is this?]
 
"What the hell?" Mitchell said. "What happened to good music?"
 
"I don't know..." said Tori. "This is terrible."

 

[sOF: Oh wait, it was just there to lead into a very forced joke. Carry on.]
 
"It's absolute horse shit," Mitchell said. "Over-produced, nonsensical horse shit."
 
[sOF: *seahorse shit]
[Metal Snake: Ooh, now we have hipsters in this show, sweet.]
[Jjs: And the award for the Most Pointless And Off-Topic Joke That Pads Out The Story goes to...]
 
"Agreed," Tori said, and changed the radio. "How Soon Is Now?" by The Smiths began playing.
 
"Now this is music," said Mitchell.
 
"Agreed," Tori said.
 
[sOF: Tori approves this song.]
[Metal Snake: “I AGREE!” “I AGREE!” Is Tori possessed by ATTWL 3 teenj?]
 
They rode for a few minutes in silence, leaivng

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: leaving]

 

Mitchell to his thoughts. He had done a lot of thinking lately, and something was just wrong with what had been asked of him.
 
[Metal Snake: NO. It took you a lot of thinking to figure out an evil demon is asking you to do things that are WRONG?]
 
He had been asked to hand over his adoptive grandchild to be killed... and he had no desire to do that. So, he decided he wouldn't.
 
[Metal Snake: I’m sure Astenias will be fine with that...once you’re in your grave.]
 
"We're here," Tori said.
 
[Metal Snake: Nowhere in particular, just...here. Descriptions are for losers.]

Mitchell had to get Bryan out of Bikini Top, at least for a while.
 
~~~
 
SpongeBob and Patrick were sitting in the grapefruit they currently lived in together
 
[Metal Snake: HUH?! WUH WUH-WHAT?! GRAPEFRUIT?! GRAPEFRUIT, WHAT?! Where the hell Spongebob and Patrick even find a grapefruit that was also a house in the style of Spongebob’s pineapple, let alone find a landlord who has fruit houses for rent?!]
[Jjs: WHOA! *falls out of chair* Sorry, seeing their names honestly scared the shit out of me. Go on 70s, let's see how you mess them up this time...]
[sOF: Oh yeah, this is a SpongeBob spin-off.]
 
...and that they shared with Sandy. She had been missing for a week.

[sOF: I know SpongeBob and Patrick are lonely naive boys, but even they should be able to notice one of their best friends has been missing...]
[Metal Snake: I love how 70s included three periods, like he wanted it to be a surprise Sandy lived with them too. Much as I love periods, they need to be used within reason.]
[Jjs: Okay, I know I said to not think about anything in this spin-off, but...
 
What happened to Squidward?]

"SpongeBob..." Patrick said.
 
"What, Patrick?" SpongeBob replied.
 
"I don't think she's coming back."
 
[Metal Snake: Took you a week to come to that conclusion? Actually, gotta give 70s credit. That was in character for Patrick.]
 
"D-Don't be silly Patrick," SpongeBob said, and his lip began to quiver. "Why wouldn't she come back? I... uh... Of course she'll c-come back, Patrick."
 

[Porky Pig: B-b-b-boy, I-I-I do-don-don't think so-so!]
[Metal Snake: ...But not in-character for Spongebob. I doubt the boundlessly optimistic yellow guy would just sit around secretly worried while his friend could be dead. He would try to do something to find Sandy at least, sheesh.]
 
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. It was Arianna.
 
[Metal Snake: How did Arianna even find out where they lived? Let me guess, the power of GPS?]
[Jjs: Maybe the grapefruit house filled her quench for "being thirsty".]
 
"Who are you?" Patrick -- who had answered the door -- asked.
 
[Metal Snake: Someone please invent a vaccine for the Dash Disease virus…]
 
"Someone who's sorry," said Arianna, who was crying. "Someone who's really, really sorry."
 
[Metal Snake: ...No. OH GOD NO. YOU ARE NOT…]
 
"What are you sorry for?" Patrick asked.

 

[Jjs: "I was the one who halted your presence in this story for so long, sorry."]
 
"I killed Miss Cheeks, Sandy, I mean," Arianna said. "I'm a vampire."

 

[Jjs: Way to keep your identity secret. Man, these vampires really are letdowns...]
[Metal Snake: ...I am not being cynical...I am just pointing out a great lack of common sense and logic on Arianna’s part is that if you’re a monster feeling guilty for killing someone with friends and family, the first rule is that you DON’T KNOCK ON THEIR FRONT DOOR AND ASK FOR THEIR FORGIVENESS. EVEN THE KINDEST, MOST FORGIVING SOUL ALIVE IS NOT GOING TO IMMEDIATELY FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO JUST MURDERED THEIR FRIEND! GOD 70S, DOES YOUR TROLLING KNOW NO BOUNDS?!]
[sOF: Yeah, I have nothing else to add here, MS nailed it.]

~~~
 
Molly went to the store to buy some food for Anna. Anna was sitting in the house patiently, watching a movie and texting Molly, who promised to be home soon. Suddenly, she heard someone banging on the door. She screamed.
 
[Metal Snake: Paranoia and xenophobia, much? What, was the person trying to send a threatening message by banging on the door in Morse code?!]
 
The banging continued, and the person started trying to break the doorknob.

[sOF: The doorknob knows too much.]
[Metal Snake: Hehe, I’m sorry. Break the DOORKNOB? How is the person going to open the door if the knob’s broken?! Does ANYONE in this story have any common sense?]
 
She screamed again, and ran upstairs. The banging continued. She texted Molly: "911"
 
[Metal Snake: She’s scared for her life, yet asks her friend to call 911 for her because she’s too lazy. *Points to 70s trolling*]
[Jjs: Okay, why is Anna flipping so much shit? It could just be that annoying pizza delivery guy or mailman. Has she never had company before?]

~~~
 
("Your Love's A Drug" by Leighton Meester [listen here- 

] plays throughout the scene)
 
Jake and Morgan were having a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant. There was a candle burning
 
[Jjs: FIRE UNDERWATER...oh what's the use?]
 
in the middle of the table, and they were gazing into each others' eyes, waiting for their food.
 
[Metal Snake: I take it back, 70s was TEARING PAGES from those romance novels.]
 
When the food arrived, they thanked the server and ate.
 
[Jjs: Two questions:
 
1) What food did they even order?
2) Is it the same waiter from ATTWL 3?]
[ATTWL 3 Waiter: Yup, I gave them pizza.]
 
"This has been a great day," Morgan said.
 
"Definitely."
 
[Metal Snake: Okay, 70s intentionally made these conversations between Morgan and Jake normal to avert suspicions of his trolling.]
 
"Being around you is so... fun."
 
"You too," said Jake. "And honestly... being around Jackie kind of felt like work sometimes. And being with you is just so effortless. I know you and Jackie are best friends and you might not want to hear that, but it's the truth."

 

[sOF: "Kind of felt like work sometimes", aka "Kids ruin everything."]
 
Morgan actually liked hearing that. She grinned and said, "Thank you."
 
[Metal Snake: Forget Jackie, I never liked her anyway. I just hope Jake doesn’t find out I’m cheating on him with Jerry…]
 
"You're welcome."
 
"I think we're gonna have more fun after we're done eating," she said. "If you know what I mean."
 
[Metal Snake: Ooh! Ooh! Are we going out for ice cream next?]
[sOF: More Jex?]

"Again?"
 
"Again."
 
"Cool..."
 
Morgan laughed. "You're such a dork."

[sOF: Dork isn't the word I'd use. Dumbass, maybe, Knucklehead McSpazzatron, definitely.]
[Metal Snake: He’s a dork for calling sex cool?]
 
"And you're a slut," Jake said, and laughed.

 

[sOF: "You're also a whore, skank, and you can stop me whenever now."]

Morgan looked offended for a second, then realized he was kidding, and laughed with him.
 
[Metal Snake: So Morgan likes shock humor now. Finally, character development!]
 
"Let's get out of here," she said.
 
"Already?" Jake asked.
 
"Yeah."
 
So they left, and went to Jake's boatmobile, where they had lots of fun.

[Passing Kid: Look mommy, that car is shaking! Is it some kind of a bouncy house?]
[Passing Parent: ...Yes, sweetie.]
[Jjs: Okay, so I really don't care that 70s decided to make Morgan and Jake a thing again, regardless of how forced it is, but here is what bothers me...
 
Where's Liam? Is...he ever going to pay? Does...anyone care a rapist is still on the loose? Is 70s abandoning this plot...
 
He's abandoning that plot, isn't he.]

~~~
 
("Hot Mess" by Cobra Starship [listen here- 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: Hey, just like this spin-off.]

 

Seth and Heather were enjoying some nice takeout food.

[sOF: Another dinner scene? And with the creepiest couple on the show? Oh boy.]
[Metal Snake: Enough with the food already. This episode is boring me and making me hungry now…]
 
"You know what we should do?" Seth asked.
 
"Not talk with our mouths full?" Heather joked.
 
"Very funny," said Seth. "But really, we should play Monopoly. I used to always play it with my family before I moved out--"

[sOF: Normal Monopoly underwater? What about Codopoly, Fishopoly, or whatever fish pun you can think of?]
[Metal Snake: Oh come on, Monopoly is a fun game, but this is just not a good character of Seth.]
 
"--You moved out?"
 
"Yeah..." Seth said. "I thought I told you."
 
"You didn't..." Heather said. "Why did you?"
 
[Metal Snake: Oh boy, another thing no one cares about is either going to create another boring filler scene or another boring filler subplot. Can we just go back to the vampires, please?]
 
"My parents were fighting all the time, and my mom was being a bitch, and I got emancipated, and moved out," Seth said. "I live in an apartment on my own."
 
"With what money?"
 
"My parents are rich," Seth said. "They send me tons of money every month. That's how I get these jeans that you say show off my ass so well."
 
[Metal Snake: Okay, what is up with the so-called “bitch” mothers in this spin-off? I’d love to see these characters have to put up with parents who actually are abusive…]

[Jjs: *to Pedophile Police* Yeah, now she's supposedly saying the minor has a nice ass...you may wanna still stand close by.]

 

He showed off.
 
She laughed. "Seth, we're eating."

 

[sOF: So he just flashes his ass in her face at dinner. That's nice.]
 
"Darn..." he said. "When we're done? Super sexy fun time?"
 
[Metal Snake: Hey...hey wait a minute…]
[Jjs: So uh, is there anybody else in this restaurant? Do they not have a problem with a woman and young teenage boy sitting at a table together? Or is this a situation of cardboard cutouts again?]

"Super sexy fun time," Heather said.
 
"Oh..." Seth said, intrigued.
 
"Indeed."
 
[Metal Snake: WAIT A MINUTE! That was essentially the SAME scene Jake and Morgan had! They were eating food, had a drab conversation, then agreed to go have sex! So now these useless filler scenes aren’t even original, great.]
 
~~~
 
("The Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson [listen here- 

] plays throughout the scene)
 
Naomi was in the Smoothie Shack, and Temperance walked in.

 

[sOF: Oh of course, when we randomly introduce two non-smoothie restaurants, we have to bring back the original! THE SMOOTHIE SHACK IS HOLY!]

[Jjs: Aha, so the Smoothie Shack is their church. It explains why Temperance is in there.]
 
"Damn it," Naomi said. "Not you."
 
[Metal Snake: And hello to you too…]
 
"You're out of rehab?" Temperance said.
 
"Yeah," Naomi said. "Why? Wanna fight about it? Think it's too soon or something?"
 
[sOF: 

]

[Metal Snake: Fight about you being out of rehab too soon? What, did her teacher use to fight with her about handing in her homework too soon, or something?]
 
"Why are you being so mean to me?" Temperance asked. "I apologized."
 
"You sent me a half-assed, one-word apology OVER A TEXT!" Naomi yelled. "That makes up for nothing you prissy little bitch!" She splashed her smoothie in Temperance's face.

 

[Jjs: Naomi used bitching! IT WAS SUPER EFFECTIVE!]

[sOF: Whoa whoa, take it easy Naomi! Don't waste the smoothie, they are of great significance to Bikini Top!]
[Metal Snake: Loving this Black and Grey Morality. And by the way, Naomi is the Black.]
 
"You bitch!" Temperance yelled, then she lost control. She pulled Naomi off the chair she was sitting in.
 
"Oh, so that's how you want to do this?" Naomi asked.
 
[Metal Snake: You want to throw down, put ‘em up, put ‘em up.]
 
"What do you mean?" Temperance yelled.
 
Naomi punched Temperance in the face. Temperance screamed, and slapped her.

 
"I see this is your first fight," Naomi said, and punched her again.

[sOF: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEvvRfuVk30 ]

[Metal Snake: Naomi Tyson’s Punch-Out!!!]
 
An employee at the Smoothie Shack rushed to them and separated them, then kicked them out. The two of them left in a huff.
 
[Jjs: A fight without any crowd attention it seems. Did everybody decide to disappear today hence why nobody is at these restaurants/food places?]
 
~~~
 
Mitchell was talking with Zoe.
 
"So... you miss Bryan?"
 
"Oh, very much," she said.
 
[Metal Snake: We’ve only been apart for a few hours, yet it feels like it’s been years…]
[Jjs: I just assumed she was there to make sure Bryan was brushing his teeth.]

 

"Maybe he could visit WaterFalls for a few months," Mitchell said. "I'm sure he could take his classes there."

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, WaterFalls was the place in 70s' Patrick spin-off. Loving the self-promotion.]
 
"Oh yes, he could," said Zoe. "I offered to let him move in with him, and we decided he'd visit this summer."
 
"This summer?" Mitchell asked, and cursed under his breath.
 
[Zoe: Mitch! Language!]
 
"That's not for a while. Maybe he could visit now."
 
"Nah, he can do whatever he wants."
 
[Metal Snake: Boys will be boys.]
 
Mitchell turned her around, and looked straight into her eyes.

 

[sOF: Oh god, not an incest pairing now.]
 
He compelled her. "You will ask him to come back to WaterFalls with you and visit for a few months."
 
"I will ask him to come visit..." she said.
 
[Metal Snake: Oh, the vampires have hypnosis powers now. I wonder what other superhuman abilities they’ll pull out of their asses next. How about the power to fart nuclear bombs?]
 
"Good," Mitchell said, and walked out.

 

[Jjs: So instead of having a cliche Mitchell kidnapping Bryan plot, Mitchell somehow gets sheer willpower to have a change of heart. Oh well, I guess Bryan Errin will never be brought to Astenias.]
 
~~~
 
"Sandy's dead?" Patrick asked, sobbing.
 
[Jjs: Holy shit, how long did it take for Patrick to say that? I feel like I'm watching The Room with all these mismatched and out of place scenes.]
 
"You killed her?" SpongeBob yelled. "HOW COULD YOU?"
 
[Metal Snake: YOU MEANIE!]
 
"I'm sorry," said Arianna. "I'm a--"
 
"--Vampire..." Patrick said. "Like Edward Cullen."
 
[Metal Snake: Okay, I’m sorry. I can in no universe imagine Patrick reading Twilight.]
[Jjs: Yeah, 70s is just trolling us now. Confirmed.]
[sOF: I'm surprised Patrick could even remember his name.]

 

"Haha, no," Arianna said. "Like a vampire, not Princess Sparkles."
 
[Metal Snake:  ]
 
"Oh."
 
Arianna compelled both of them. "Sandy left town to pursue a science career. You guys through a big party for her. You'll miss her."
 
[Grammar Police: Did you mean: throw]
[Metal Snake: What.]

"We'll miss her..." they both repeated.
 
[Metal Snake: Uh…]
 
Arianna left.

[Metal Snake: SERIOUSLY?! Arianna came all this way to (very stupidly) confess out of remorse, explained to them the truth, and then out of nowhere hypnotized them into believing a lie?! THAT’S TERRIBLE STORYTELLING! 70s, please, at least try to write coherent plots. It is so obvious that he changed his mind at the very last minute to keep Arianna evil longer.]

[sOF: Can we have more whiny overdramatic scenes? It's better than these boring scenes, and once again what Metal Snake said.]

 

~~~
 
Molly saw the man outside her door, and punched him. Then she zapped herself into her room, where Anna was hiding.
 
[Metal Snake: So much for 911.]
[Jjs: Three things:
 
1) No description of the man/fish/whatever at all? 
2) How long was this guy banging on the door?
3) Zapped herself into the room?]
 
"How did you do that?" Anna cried.
 
"No time to explain!" Molly yelled. She punched the window, and broke it open. "Run! Get out of here! NOW!"

 

[sOF: My Molly, what strong hands/fins you have.]
[Metal Snake: YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!]
 
Anna did so.
 
[Metal Snake: I like to think that was the second story window and Anna just fractured a bone.]
 
"Far away! Drive!" Molly screamed at her.
 
[Metal Snake: Further away! Go back!]
 
Anna cried as she drove away.
 
[Metal Snake: Anna stole Molly’s teleportation powers to get in a car.]
 
She hoped Molly would be okay. She wondered what was going on.
 
[Jjs: Maybe Anna can use her car to run over the man again.]
 
~~~
 
Temperance got home. Mikayla was sitting on the couch.
 
"I'm sorry," Mikayla said. "If that makes things any better.... I overreacted."
 
[Metal Snake: If my apology makes things any better, I overreacted. Huh?]
 
"No, you didn't," Temperance said. "You were fine. I'm terrible."
 
[Metal Snake: Now THAT was the most sensible thing PostRescuedByAsspull!Temperance has said. Actually, that’s the most sensible thing she’s said the entire spin-off.]
 
She went to her room.

 

[sOF: That's it? Where's the overdramatic whining?]
 
~~~
 
("Dream a Little Dream of Me" by Mama Cass [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4T3tMkjRig ] plays throughout the end montage)

 

[Jjs: Not even halfway into the season, and this running gag is getting old.]

 

Tori stared at a picture of Larry, then threw it away. She had to get over his death. She had been putting on a happy face... but she was broken. She had to be fixed.
 
[Metal Snake: Tori is a machine now as well.]
 
Jake drove Morgan home, and kissed her. Morgan tidied up her air as she walked in.

 

[sOF: WHO GIVES A DAMN POLICE!]
[Metal Snake: Proofread Neglect Police! Tidied up her hair. Unless Morgan is the Last Airbender all of a sudden. Simple typo though, so I’ll forgive it.]
 
Seth decided to spend the night with Heather as they lay in bed together.
 
[Metal Snake: Proofread Neglect Police! Laid in bed together.]
 
Temperance was in her room, crying.
 
[sOF: Oh, there the whining is.]

[Jjs: Is she crying over her mother having cancer (bet you forgot that didn't you) or Naomi?]
 
Zoe asked Bryan to visit WaterFalls.

 

[Jjs: What was his answer? Find out next time!]
 
Arianna slowly walked home, feeling a pain in her heart. She wanted it to go away.
 
[Metal Snake: Oh, you wanted it to go away? THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LIE AFTER YOU TOLD THE TRUTH?! I’m NOT getting over that.]
 
Molly fought the man at her door, and he teleported away. She said, "Crap."
 
[Metal Snake: Shit. He stole my Fucking. teleportation powers.]
 
MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP
"Hello Sunshine" by BarlowGirl
"You've Got the Love" by Florence + the Machine
"Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars
"Bottoms Up" by Trey Songz ft. Nicki Minaj
"How Soon Is Now?" by The Smiths
"Your Love's A Drug" by Leighton Meester
"Hot Mess" by Cobra Starship
"The Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson
"Dream a Little Dream of Me" by Mama Cass
 
---
 
Definitely not my best, but necessary setup. Reviews appreciated as always.
 
[Metal Snake: Definitely not your best? Aw, how modest. Seriously, I was genuinely annoyed and bored a lot of the time while reading this episode. I’d even go as far to say it’s one of the worst ones. All those needless and drab filler scenes, the bland dialogue, and awful storytelling made this a painful experience. Shame, and I was liking this season a little better than the first for giving me more lulzy laughs. What else lies in store?]
[sOF: This was just booorrring, and not even a good setup. Sorry I didn't have much to say guys, but I'll have more to say next time hopefully. And I hate to use an NC joke, but this sums up the episode:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5gMfe1mY94 ]

[Jjs: *yawns* This was the most boring episode yet, and not much of a breather after the Christmas two-parter. It felt like a leftover Season 1 episode, and honestly...was this a filler? It sure felt like one, because nothing was advanced whatsoever (other than a man threatening Anna and Molly, and Zoe returning). Oh well, we have bigger episodes to fry.]

[Wumbo]

Lol, so apparently Trey Songz is overproduced horseshit but Cobra Starship is perfectly acceptable music. Good one 70s.

[Metal Snake]

Oh no, I'm sorry... XD

 

 
[Metal Snake: Okay, maybe it’s just me barely remembering who the heck these people are, but...this is a pretty big proposition to be making to your son through “mediators”. Is Bryan’s mom a queen sending messengers to deliver important news? Has she ever heard of a phone?!]

 

 

That really was my bad memory. It was established from as early as the pilot that Zoe was Bryan's mom, not a "mediator". I realized I messed that up a short while ago, so I tried replacing that riff with this...

 

[Metal Snake: "Well, there's the drama and the vampires I'm sure I'll find out about in the near future."]

 

But I guess it didn't go through. By the way, you and SOF did good.

[Jjs Goodman]

Oh no, I'm sorry... XD

 

 

[Metal Snake: Okay, maybe it’s just me barely remembering who the heck these people are, but...this is a pretty big proposition to be making to your son through “mediators”. Is Bryan’s mom a queen sending messengers to deliver important news? Has she ever heard of a phone?!]

 

 

That really was my bad memory. It was established from as early as the pilot that Zoe was Bryan's mom, not a "mediator". I realized I messed that up a short while ago, so I tried replacing that riff with this...

 

[Metal Snake: "Well, there's the drama and the vampires I'm sure I'll find out about in the near future."]

 

But I guess it didn't go through. By the way, you and SOF did good.

 

Fixed.

[Metal Snake]

Fixed.

 

Thank you.

[Jjs Goodman]

Bikini Top Season 2
 
21. To All of You
22. Look After You
23. Hallelujah
24. I'm Just A Kid
25. Gossip Hurl
26. Fade to Black
27. Eet
28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)
29. Christmas Lights (Part 2)
30. Dream a Little Dream of Me

 

31. Express Yourself:

Spoiler

 

[Jjs: Cool image. That's probably the only positive I'll be giving this episode though.]

[Hayden: He should make these for every episode, it might trick viewers into thinking the following imagery they read won't be awful.]

[Clappy: I’ve seen better art skills from a preschooler.]

 

S2E11 (31)- Express Yourself: 

 

[Jjs: Hopefully 70s does what the title says.]

 

Morgan, Jackie, Naomi, Anna, and Molly are on the stage at Zinka's Party Emporium singing "Express Yourself" by Madonna (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsVcUzP_O_8 ). When it's over, the audience, who includes Bryan, Jake, Seth, and Trevor, clap.

 

[Jjs: Wait what, where's the recap?!]

[JCM: The one time I actually need a recap and I don't get one. That's beautiful.]

[Hayden: Maybe he finally decided to trust the viewer's intelligence....or he's just lazy. Probably the latter.]

[Clappy: Don’t you mean, whom?]

 

Wait, back up.

 

[Jjs: ...Huh?]

[Hayden: A flashback? Haven't you learned that your time distortions only lead to bad things by now 70s?]

[Clappy: It’s like 70s realized that he forgot to include his lousy recap so he had to stop the episode….*looks down*…or not.]

 

~~~

 

It was the day after Valentine's Day: a Saturday.

 

[Jjs: So...what was the point of that? Usually a cold open is supposed to dramatic...but that wasn't dramatic at all. Just seemed like a weird way for 70s to build "suspense". And holy shit, February already? I guess the events of January are never important then, since 70s also skipped January last season. Also, no theme song either? Boo.]

[Hayden: Seth's birthday was January 22nd. Guess 70s didn't consider that an important point to address for his Seth/Heather storyline anymore, or maybe he dropped that entirely. Would we be so lucky?]

[Clappy: Besides the time hopping, does he automatically think all Valentine’s Days are on Fridays?]

[JCM: At least he didn't dedicate an episode to Valentine's Day like last season. That would have been brutal.]

 

Morgan and Jake were laying in Jake's bed and Jake was running his fin through Morgan's hair.

 

[Jjs: "fin" Hey, another reminder this is underwater.]

[Hayden: How the hell do fish grow hair anyways?]

[Clappy: You don’t want to know Hayden, but I bet it involves jex.]

 

"You know what we should do before we go back to school on Monday?" Morgan asked.

 

"What?"

 

[Clappy: I bet it involves jex.]

 

"Something fun."

 

"Such as...?"

 

[Jjs: The ultimate level of...Jex.]

[Hayden: I'm supposed to believe these two went a whole month and a half without imploding their relationship?]

 

"Ooh, remember when we did karaoke last year?

 

[JCM: No, I've intentionally been trying to forget.]

[Jjs: Karaoke...*rereads Season 1* Oh yeah, that weird Zinka place where they all sang in Season 1, Episode 7.]

 

That was really fun, we could do it again!"

 

[Clappy: Come on Jake, it can be ultimate fan service to 70s since he is the only one who really cares about Glee on SBC. And everyone who is anyone has the same fandom as 70s on SBC.]

 

"Meh..." he said.

 

[Jjs: For once, I'm on Jake's side. I wouldn't want to hear their singing either.]

[Hayden: These girls sure love their singing, why didn't Anna get it on with Morgan since they share that passionate detail about themselves just like her and Molly do?]

 

"Oh, come on!" Morgan pleaded. "I want to do something fun."

 

[JCM: WE ALL WANT THINGS.]

 

"Fine, fine," Jake said. "Text everyone and give them the place and the time."

 

"Yes!" she said.

 

"Isn't it kind of inconceivable that we can all sing extremely well?" Jake asked. "I mean, even Seth and Molly."

 

[Jjs: Sounds like lazy writing to me.]

[Hayden: When was any of that established? Fantastic, the only talent anyone in Bikini Top seems to have is singing.]

[Clappy: To be fair, they make everyone on this spin-off to be extremely talented at sex so it’s just not singing.]

 

http://onemansblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/inconceivable.jpg pops up on screen, with the words: "This one's for you, Wumbology."

 

[JCM: I think my brain just exploded.]

[Jjs: ...What....did you....just...reference Wumbo...underwater? That wasn't even funny...at all. First SOF, and now Wumbo is apparently underwater. So I guess Bikini Top loves Canadian SBCers.]

[Hayden: When is he going to shoehorn a reference in for me? Some people I tell you, total assholes who only think about themselves.]

[Clappy: I’m surprised he didn’t shoehorn a reference of me whenever someone claps.]

 

"Anyways, um... stop it!" Morgan said. "We can all sing. What of it?"

 

Words can be heard from behind the camera. Then we hear, "THE SCRIPT!"

 

[Jjs: Is 70s trying to break the 4th wall intentionally? Too bad he's not doing it right. At all. SOF my buddy, I'm so sorry for ever finding you 4th wall breaks in ATTWL 3 bad.]

[Hayden: What script? 70s doesn't outline what he plans to do for this in advance. Ba dum tsss.]

 

Jake clears his throat. "Anyways, text everyone with where and when."

 

[JCM: No "anyways"! You can't just come back from that! Whatever suspension of disbelief I had left is now gone.]

 

"Zinka's Party Emporium in three hours," Morgan said.

 

[Hayden: Not sure when we were there last, but it doesn't sound like a place a bunch of high school seniors would be hanging out at.]

[Clappy: Wow, talk about impulsive.  What if everyone else has plans like jex….or smoothies…or even more jex….I guess none of these people really have any hobbies outside of Naomi’s drugs and Temperance’s religion.]

 

"You don't need to tell me!" Jake said. "I'm with you! Text."

 

"Oh, yeah," she laughed. She texted everyone.

 

[JCM: Everyone in the world? I imagine her fingers would hurt a lot after that.]

 

"Done and done."

 

[Jjs: That was fast.]

[Hayden: That's the point Jjs, isn't using technology so hip, quick, cool, and easy to use?]

 

"Okay, so now what?"

 

"I need to call Zinka's, rent it out, then buy a buttload of decorations."

 

[Hayden: That all sounds very expensive and pointless. Is there no other way for you idiots to have a karaoke night?]

[Clappy: I wonder how Jake can afford to do such a thing. Doesn’t he have…oh I don’t know…A CHILD TO SUPPORT AND AN EDUCATION TO PAY FOR?]

[JCM: It's actually Morgan saying that, but 70s is so crappy about attribution that even I thought it was Jake at first.]

 

"Do I have to go with you?"

 

"Of course."

 

"Fun..."

 

"Shut up," she said, and playfully punched him.

 

Jake laughed.

 

[Jake: Oh look how joyful I am. Can’t you tell from this bland dialogue that I’m a sarcastic fun guy?]

 

"Hey, I didn't text Temperance... Should I?"

 

[JCM: She probably went Amish and threw away all her cell phones.]

[Hayden: Fuck no, please don't, she'll berate you for all this underage Jex. Speaking of people they texted, did they text Seth? I can't imagine that would be awkward for Morgan to do at all.]

 

Jake pondered for a second. "Hmm... I'd say yeah."

 

Morgan texted Temperance.

 

"Alright, get dressed, Nudie."

 

"Do I have to?" Jake asked. 

 

[Jjs: Wait, so Jake was naked this whole time?]

[Hayden: They should all wear their birthday suits to Zinka's.]

[Clappy: I wonder if 70s jacked off to his characters? It’s the only reason he writes so many sex scenes for them and to acknowledge their nudity so often.]

 

"We have three hours. We can have morning sex."

 

[Jjs: Jex in the morning, Jex in the afternoon, and Jex...AT NIGHT.]

[Hayden: All these people do is kiss and then do the deed, NO REAL CHEMISTRY IS BEING PRESENTED AT ALL DAMNIT.]

 

"That is tempting..." Morgan said.

 

"Please," said Jake, dragging the word out.

 

[JCM: "Pretty please with sprinkles on top...of you while we're having sex?"]

 

"Fine," Morgan said.

 

[Clappy: Wow, I’m starting to think that my joke thoughts on this matter were actually true.]

 

~~~

 

("Two Is Better Than One" by BoysLikeGirls ft. Taylor Swift ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxffT9lwHOY ) plays throughout the scene)

 

Molly called Anna.

 

"So, are you going to the party?" she asked.

 

"Of course..." Anna said. "No need to say hi or anything."

 

[Jjs: Wait...what about the man from last chapter? Where did Anna even drive to? Looks like those will never be answered. This is why 70s needs to seriously keep track of his time skips, or we get inconsistencies like this.]

[JCM: And are we going to ignore the fact that Molly has super-speed and super-strength all of a sudden?]

[Hayden: The impending threat is now on hold for this super important karaoke party chapter, brought to you by the letter Zzzzz.]

[Clappy: You have to be kidding me.]

 

"Oh, sorry," said Molly. "Hi."

 

[Hayden: Well, while she's apologizing for not doing a formal greeting, why don't you apologize again for a certain inappropriate greeting of your own. Bitch.]

 

"But yeah, I'm going," Anna said. "Are you?"

 

"If you are."

 

[JCM: Way to think for yourself, Molly!]

 

"You need to trust me. I'm okay. I love you, but you're getting on my nerves. You're all worried about me, but you won't even tell me who in the world that man was."

 

[Clappy: She’s getting on your nerves? I guess the vomit inducing nickname, the informal greeting bitching, and the stabbing to the heart weren’t enough for you to get on Molly’s nerves, the overprotection gets on yours?]

 

"It's safer for you if you don't know."

 

[Jjs: It was probably the IRS. I wouldn't want to know either.]

[Hayden: It's been a month Anna, drop it, that's what 70s wants to do with it for now after all.]

 

"You told me it was safe for me to be with you," said Anna. "But by now, screw that. I don't care if it's dangerous, I can accept that. I just want to be with you."

 

[Hayden: "I'll be with my monster even if it kills me."]

[Clappy: I hope it does kill her…seriously.]

 

"I'm coming to your house."

 

[JCM: What if she doesn't want you to come to her house? Will you break in like Mr. Mysterious?]

 

"Why?"

 

"I want to see you. Is that an issue?"

 

[JCM: No, the Palestinian-Israeli conflict is an issue. This is a petty grievance.]

 

"No, but I'd rather come to your house. I haven't even met your mother."

 

"I know, but you don't need to. It's better to just keep going to your house. Meet you there."

 

"Let me just teleport to your room," said Molly. "Your mom doesn't even have to know."

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, Anna's family exists. I guess we'll never know how they feel about this relationship.]

[Hayden: Or how they'll feel about this sweet teleporting trick Molly gained to sneak into their daughter's room.]

[Clappy: Since when did she have the capabilities to teleport….oh wait, the last episode. Yeah, I think 70s has no fucking clue what the Morrigan can actually do.]

 

"What if she comes in?"

 

[JCM: Threesome.]

 

"I can be invisible."

 

[Clappy: Oh wait…she now has the power to become invisible too. *facepalms*]

 

"What?"

 

"What do you mean? There are things I haven't told you."

 

[Jjs: So Molly can turn invisible now too? I am not an expert on this Morrigan creature, but from what I am getting at in my research, it doesn't seem like they can turn invisible or teleport. Critical Research Failure, folks!]

[Hayden: Things she hasn't told you so that 70s can write whatever he feels like making her capable of doing as he goes along.]

[JCM: It's great that they have a nice, open relationship where one person keeps secrets and the other just has to deal with it.]

 

"Whatever," Anna said. "Come on."

 

Molly hung up on the other line, and suddenly she was inside Anna's room.

 

Anna jumped. "Wow."

 

[Clappy: *rolls eyes*]

 

~~~

 

("Sexy Chick" by David Guetta ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9hazmsUxrM ) plays throughout the scene)

 

[Clappy: FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU]

 

Seth got Morgan's text.

 

[Jjs: *sees Seth's name* *sees Sexy Chick*

 

Yeah, I'm probably gonna skip this scene.]

[JCM: Your willpower is greater than mine.]

[Hayden: So Morgan did text Seth but hesitated about Temperance a whole lot more....YES, THAT MAKES SENSE.]

 

"Morgan's having a thing at Zinka's," he told Heather, who was sitting on the couch with her fin wrapped around him. "Want to come?"

 

[Jjs: So, it's safe to say 70s sees nothing wrong with this whatsoever and is advocate of pedophilia. I guess that explains him getting "married" at 18.]

[Hayden: Holy shit Seth, you and your great ideas. I didn't think it was possible for 70s to make a guy character worse than Jake this fast.]

[Clappy: Brilliant question Seth. Why don’t you ask that question to Morgan again with her in the room at the same time. God your character became frustrating super fast.]

 

"Well... I think that would be a little weird," Heather said. "Kind of like me finding out what's going on with my daughter via text. She's been spending all of her time with Jake. I've hardly seen her this past month."

 

"But we've been seeing a lot of each other," Seth said. "And last month I turned eighteen."

 

[JCM: Wait, Heather was sleeping with him while he was underage? This is even more messed up than before.]

[Jjs: And 70s couldn't be even bothered to show Seth's joyous birthday. I bet it consisted of more inappropriate sex.]

[Hayden: Oh goodie, at least 70s bothered to remember that and didn't let the time skip get in the way of this beautiful plot. He'd be better off remembering Liam at this point.]

 

"True," said Heather.

 

"We're still not completely public. It's legal now and everything."

 

[Hayden: Perhaps we need to revise our laws. Oh wait, this is underwater, 70s could have made the age of consent 5 if he wanted.]

[Clappy: I seriously hope he doesn’t do that Hayden. Poor Charlea.]

 

"But I just don't want to be judged."

 

[JCM: Too late. I'm judging you.]

 

"That's understandable..." Seth said. "But be brave. It won't hurt."

 

"Well, how can we reveal it?"

 

"Sex in public?"

 

"Haha... no."

 

[Jjs: Well, it is 70s, wouldn't surprise me.]

[JCM: At least that's one law she's not willing to break.]

[Hayden: Hilarious, can this asshole jump off that bridge next? It changed Temperance for the worse, maybe it can change Seth for the better...or it can actually kill him this time instead of a random save by Vampires. Either works for me.]

[Clappy: You know, I was going to think of some smartass reply to this, but Hayden’s riff is just too perfect for words.]

 

"Kissing in public?"

 

"That could work," Heather said. "But sex in private right now is suitable."

 

[JCM: More than suitable. I'd say preferable.]

[Hayden: That goes for any relationship. But I wouldn't expect either of you to be socially aware enough to understand that. Oh 70s, wrote you? It's not your fault? Fair enough.]

 

"That could work too."

 

Heather removed Seth's shirt and started to kiss him.

 

[Hayden: Save it for the public.]

[Clappy: Save it for Morgan to walk in on again.]

[Jjs: And hopefully Jackie has Charlea so she can witness it again.]

 

~~~

 

Naomi called Trevor after receiving Morgan's text.

 

"You want to come with me to a party?"

 

"Sure," he said.

 

[Jjs: So is 90% of this episode just going to be calling people?]

[JCM: The other 10% will be them charging their phones, I assume.]

[Clappy: Well so far, it’s been 50%. Let’s see how much further it can go with such an “amazing” episode idea premise.]

[Hayden: Wow, this episode is accomplishing so much. 70s should make these scenes where people decide whether or not to go to a party extra lengthy, so it doesn't take away from their brilliance.]

 

"Can you sing?"

 

"Of course, I live in Bikini Top."

 

[Jjs: Yeah, everyone apparently can just magically sing in Bikini Top. The Glee vibes are strong, boys.]

[Hayden: Everyone can sing anywhere. But if you're suggesting that living in a certain place gives you automatic talent then you're on crack.]

[Clappy: Hey now. One of these characters just got off crack…again.]

[JCM: Maybe it's crack that makes them sing well.]

 

~~~

 

"Mom, I'm going out," Jackie said. "Can you watch Charlea?"

 

"Of course," said Sarah.

 

"Thank you."

 

Jackie went upstairs to get her makeup and hair done.

 

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #1.]

[Hayden: The count has to be higher than that by now Jjs. Anyways, looks like Jackie's transitioning well back home, I'm glad such an important turn for Jackie got the proper focus.]

[Clappy: Yeah, glad to see she instantly forgave Sarah for kicking her out of the house. Not even two minutes could be dedicated to such a drastic plot?]

[JCM: I'd rather have a bunch of pointless short scenes than a bunch of excruciatingly long scenes.]

 

~~~

 

Temperance got Morgan's text, and sighed. She longed to be a part of the group again, but doubted it would happen. She decided not to go.

 

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #2.]

[Hayden: No one wants any of your damn Christian music there anyways.]

[Clappy: Praying for actual scenes.]

[JCM: At least we've established that she still has a cell phone.]

 

~~~

 

Bryan is talking with his mother when he gets the text. He replies, "Sure," then continues talking.

 

"Mom, I just don't really want to go to WaterFalls," he said. "Even just to visit."

 

"Please, Bryan," Zoe said. "It would mean the world to me."

 

[Clappy: Just like it would mean the world to you for you to actually visit your son to begin with?]

 

"No," Bryan said. "Now I need to get dressed. I'm going to a party."

 

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #3.

 

I can't believe it...literally 3 scenes in a row were...POINTLESS. PADDING POLICE!]

[JCM: At least this scene was longer than a paragraph.]

[Hayden: Not even for a visit? But she's the only family you have left Bryan, that's rude. Then again she never visited you up until now...]

[Clappy: I guess we’ll never find out what the vampires want with Bryan, will we?]

 

~~~

 

Cut to everyone clapping after the girls (minus Temperance) singing the end of "Express Yourself" and everyone applauding.

 

[Jjs: Okay, what was the point of that flashback for half the episode? If you wanted to build suspense, fine. But this didn't build suspense at all. All they are doing is singing, unless there's some epic twist that is going to happen at the party.]

[JCM: "Everyone clapping and everyone applauding." Can somebody please get the Redundancy of Redundancy Department on the line?]

[Redundancy Department: Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you 70s in that house which is a house on the street on this block, in this town, which also has lots of drama, with lots of drama.]

[Hayden: *looks up at the top* He forgot Morgan being a part of the singing in his introductory scene that was apparently in the present.]

[Clappy: So was the point of these last seven or so pages just to show everyone having sex and getting texts? Wow. Just wow. Just when I thought this spin-off couldn’t get any more stupid, it just keeps surprising me.]

 

"Who's next?" Morgan asked as all the girls left the stage.

 

"That would be me," said Jake, and he winked at Morgan.

 

Jackie was disheartened... she actually felt uncomfortable because of him winking at her.

 

[Clappy: Hmm, do I sense a bit of regret? Maybe next time you shouldn’t push someone into a relationship, you stupid bitch.]

[JCM: I don't understand this Jake-Jackie thing at all. Jake kisses Morgan at the dance, so Jackie breaks up with him. Jake goes to extreme lengths to win her back, and even though he does, she breaks up with him again six episodes later for no real reason. Now he's moved on and she's wanting to get back together with him? When will the insanity end?]

[Hayden: STOP BEING BIPOLAR, YOU EDGED MORGAN ON TO DO IT, JESUS CHRIST.]

[Temperance: You should never take the lord's name in vain.]

[Hayden: You're the vain one, twat. *shoves Temperance off a bridge*]

[Temperance: *Hersht saves her from falling* Jesus protected me again! I really must be a special snowflake!]

[Hayden: AGHHHHHHH!]

 

Jake started singing "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry ( 

) straight to Morgan.

 

[Jjs: For some reason I'm trying to imagine Jake with Katy Perry's voice now.]

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Y5rH7cN7s4 ]

 

Morgan said to the girls, "Isn't he amazing?"

 

[JCM: What's your definition of "amazing"?]

 

"Yeah..." Jackie said, then realized she had sounded like she was still into Jake, and hoped Morgan didn't notice. Luckily, Morgan was too busy staring into Jake's eyes to notice.

 

[Clappy: Staring into his eyes because his singing is bleeding out her ears probably.]

 

At the end of the song, Temperance walked in.

 

"Temperance, you decided to come!" Morgan said. "Welcome!"

 

"Hey," said Temperance. "Can I sing?"

 

[Jjs: Maybe she can sing about how much she loves God.]

[JCM: Maybe she can sing about how much she hates homos.]

[Hayden: What was the point of telling us she decided not to come up above? As a dramatic mislead? Amazing. HOW DOES THIS MAN DO IT?]

 

"Of course," said Jake as he walked off the stage.

 

"Just wanted to show you guys I can still be really cool..." she said. She got onto the stage and sang "Like a G6" by Far East Movement ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4s6H4ku6ZY ). During this, everyone struggled not to laugh... except Naomi. She was full-on laughing at Temperance.

 

[Jjs: 70s, you really are pushing my buttons by having one of your awful characters sing that awful song. Not to mention, WE HAD THIS SAME EXACT SCENARIO AND PLOT IN EPISODE 7 IN SEASON 1! 70s' originality is getting lazy.]

[Hayden: But I thought everyone in Bikini Top was magically gifted with singing?]

[Clappy: Because Like a G6 is the perfect song to show how cool you are to begin with.]

[JCM: *gasps* That song contains drug references! And swearing! I thought you were a Christian woman, Temperance!]

 

"Come on," Trevor said. "Don't be rude."

 

[Clappy: Trevor, you are asking this group of twats to not be rude? You should know better by now that they’ll be the exact opposite of polite.]

[Jjs: So I guess Trevor is officially a part of their gang now? Whatever balances out all of the estrogen, I'm all for it.]

 

"She thinks this song is cool!" she pounded her fist on the table, laughing hysterically.

 

[Hayden: But this is on par with all the other awful songs 70s has posted or makes you listen to...]

[Clappy: Glad to see the return of Bitch Naomi. It only took two episodes for her to convert back. What a relief to know she is still the horrible character I’ve always hated. Was getting worried for a minute there.]

 

"She's singing it really well, though."

 

[JCM: That's the crack.]

[Hayden: Oh, it's the song choice, not her ability. *rolls eyes* Apparently Katy Perry music is "cool" then.]

 

"We live in Bikini Top! Of course she is! It's the town of rich people, plastic surgery, and music!"

 

[Jjs: You also forgot to mention sex, drama and vampires.]

[Clappy: Don’t forget teen mothers.]

[Hayden: Then why are you so damn hideous Naomi?]

 

"The first two things aren't true, but the third, yeah," Trevor said. "But she's still doing a good job, and Temperance is your friend."

 

"She was my friend."

 

"She apologized."

 

"Half-assed."

 

[JCM: Don't insult the woman's ass! She spent a lot on plastic surgery for that ass! I mean-never mind.]

 

"So? Still an apology."

 

"She didn't mean it."

 

Neither realized that Temperance was done singing, and that she was crying. She ran out.

 

[Jjs: Finally some mediocre drama. It's better than a re-used plot.]

[Hayden: Go run back to your Holy Bibble.]

[Cat: WHERE'S THE FUCKING BIBBLE, GIVE IT TO ME.]

[Hayden: Sorry, typo. Now go back to Sam and your cancelled show.]

 

"Well..." Seth said. "Awkward."

 

[Hayden: Are you the guy who tells people when things are awkward now? That's ironic.]

[JCM: He has enough experience with awkward to know it when he sees it.]

 

"Yeah..." said Jackie.

 

"Next?" Morgan asked after a few moments of silence.

 

Jackie beckoned to Bryan. He nodded, and they both got on the stage.

 

"We're both single, so we arranged this for you guys." Jackie explained.

 

[Clappy: Please don’t make this foreshadowing to a Bryan-Jackie relationship. I don’t think I can take another round of uninteresting, underdeveloped chemistry.]

 

"Hope you guys like it," said Bryan. The two of them started singing "Somebody to Love" by Queen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxzoB4GA3zs ).

 

[Jjs: So originally I thought this was an actual musical episode, but it turns out I was wrong. Don't worry though, we still have two musical episodes this season...so we won't have to suffer 70s' made up songs just yet.]

[JCM: At least I can have a couple of more days without night terrors.]

[Hayden: Are they going to be paired together now that they're the only characters left that are single besides Temperance? Oh and of course our friendly neighborhood vampires, who at least seem to have their own special blend of uninteresting non-relationship drama.]

 

Everyone watched intently, and there was applause as it ended. Both were exhausted, and before Morgan could call for the next person, Molly stepped onto the stage.

 

"This obviously goes out to Anna," said Molly. She began singing "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBrWNbjw3RA ) with the name "Annie" replaced by Anna's name.

 

[Jjs: NO FUCK YOU 70S YOU RUINED MJ]

[JCM: If Conrad Murray didn't kill him, this rendition of his music would.]

[Hayden: So did everyone forget about Temperance? I mean I know it's Temperance, but is your annoying karaoke night more important? What wonderful friendships this show has made.]

 

The gang thought this was just a joke, and laughed as she sang. She cracked a smile when it was over, and everyone but Anna cheered. Anna was beginning to become very annoyed with Molly. She decided she knew the perfect song to sing. Anna got up onto the stage and sang "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yv-Fk1PwVeU ). Everyone laughs.

 

[Clappy: Is this a jab at Temperance? Hayden is right once again. They are such wonderful friends. The absolute best….or is this a jab at Molly actually caring about her? You guys decide. Either way, Anna is getting up there on my annoyance level after Naomi and Temperance.]

 

During the song, Seth gets a text from Heather: "changed my mind. on my way now. <3" He replies with, "Cool. see u then "

 

[Hayden: Oh hell naw.]

[Clappy: I h8t whn peple txt lik dis]

[JCM: There's nothing funner than having your mom crash your karaoke party. I can't wait for Morgan's reaction when it happens.]

 

Morgan was the next one on the stage. "I'm gonna sing two songs, if that's okay. First of all, this one goes out to Liam." She roughed up her hair, and started to sing "Kiss With a Fist" by Florence + the Machine ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SmxVCM39j4 ). 

 

[Jjs: So I guess we're just never going to see Liam again. 70s seems to think rapists just go away and that the issue "resolves itself". Man, if this ever happens to you, I hope this isn't how you think the real world works...]

[Hayden: 70s exceeded my expectations, I never thought Morgan would even mention him again, but here we are.]

[Clappy: Whoa, 70s acknowledging Liam is more rare than an actual SpongeBob character appearing here.]

 

Everyone roared with applause. After it was over, she said, "And this one is to Jake... I love you." She started to sing "When You Say Nothing At All" by Alison Krauss (

).

 

[Clappy: Lol these kids and their thoughts on what love actually is.]

 

She sang to Jake the entire time, and he smiled. By the time she was done, Heather was there, clapping for her.

 

"Oh, hi Mom."

 

[JCM: It was worth the wait.]

[Clappy: Ohai Mark.]

 

"Nice to see you," Heather said. "I thought you were dead."

 

"Funny," Morgan said.

 

[Jjs: Funny, but not the "haha" kind of funny. So nothing has changed.]

[Hayden: Funny in the disturbing sense that your mother chose fucking your classmate over you, her daughter.]

[JCM: Funny in that I'm laughing my freakin' head off right now.]

 

"Anyways, Seth, you know what to do," said Heather. Seth stood up, and the two of them walked onto the stage, hand-in-hand.

 

[Clappy: Since I know what song it is right underneath me, let me just say that of course 70s chose the most cliché song for a new couple to sing.]

 

They started to sing "Time of My Life" ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMoMBFhMdDw ). Everyone politely clapped when they were done, though it was admittedly awkward after they were done.

 

[Jjs: If I were them, I'd call the cops.]

[Hayden: *tosses rocks at the stage*]

 

"So... are you guys dating?" Bryan asked.

 

[JCM: Looks like stupidity runs in Jake's family.]

[Clappy: YOU guys? I think you mean THOSE TWO? We already have one forced LGBT couple. We don’t need a second.]

 

"Yeah," Morgan said. "They asked me and Jackie to keep it a secret."

 

"We walked into them having sex on Christmas," Jackie said.

 

[Jjs: I still hope that is Charlea's first memory.]

 

"Lovely," said Naomi. "Thanks for that."

 

"Yeah..." Trevor said.

 

[Hayden: *crickets chirp*]

 

"Anyways... let's sing, Trevor." Naomi and Trevor got on the stage and they sang "Guilty Beauty Love" by Vic Mignogna  ( 

). Everyone clapped, and then yawned.

 

[JCM: So it's just like me, without the clapping.]

[Jjs: Can we go back to the over dramatics now?]

[Hayden: PLEASEEEEE?]

[Clappy: At least make these songs have a point. Even if it’s a overproduced spectacle like Glee. These cutaways to what the cast are singing is fucking pointless.]

 

"Wow, this has been fun," Jake said. "But I'm exhausted."

 

"That was a blast," said Morgan. "But maybe you're right and it's time to go home."

 

Everyone said goodbye.

 

As Jake and Morgan were walking out to Jake's boatmobile, Jake asked Morgan, "So, is this a thing now? Like we're gonna do it every year?"

 

[JCM: Please say "no". Please say "no".]

 

"Oh yeah," Morgan said. "This is a thing now."

 

[Hayden: That's unfortunate.]

[JCM: That's very, very unfortunate.]

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP

"Express Yourself" by Madonna - Sung by Morgan, Jackie, Anna, Naomi, and Molly

"Two Is Better Than One" by BoysLikeGirls ft. Taylor Swift

"Sexy Chick" by David Guetta

"Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry - Sung by Jake

"Like a G6" by Far East Movement - Sung by Temperance

"Somebody to Love" by Queen - Sung by Bryan and Jackie

"Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson - Sung by Molly

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin - Sung by Anna

"Kiss With a Fist" by Florence + the Machine - Sung by Morgan

"When You Say Nothing At All" by Alison Krauss - Sung by Morgan

"The Time of My Life" by I Don't Know Who - Sung by Seth and Heather

"Guilty Beauty Love" by Vic Mignogna - Sung by Naomi and Trevor

 

---

 

Reviews appreciated. If you do review it, please include either rankings of the songs or just your favorite and least favorite. Because remember, this is a thing now.

 

[JCM: WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME?]

[Jjs: ...That's it?! Did anything happen in this episode...at all? I don't know how you did it 70s, but you made the most pointless episode yet. At least the previous one tried to move the plot forward. Oh well, at least this one's for you, Wumbology.]

[Hayden: This might be hands down my least favorite episode of the series, there was so little to comment on that I had to reference a lot of past events. Hope the next one is better......I mean slightly less worse.]

[Clappy: Oh hell no. Why would I rank these songs? They served no purpose to any of these scenes. This is by far the most useless episode yet. Like what was the point of any of this? I would have riffed this better if Hayden didn’t make me laugh so much with his riffs. Jjs and JCM were pretty good too. I have nothing original to say, other than that the next two official musical episodes are probably going to be just as painful, if not more.]

[Wumbo]

I've been immortalized in an episode of Bikini Top. I can die a fulfilled man now.

[Metal Snake]

I can not be the only one having a hard time understanding what the hell was going on in the "INCONCEIVABLE!" scene where Wumbo got referenced. If 70s wrote "THE SCRIPT!" and the line that "messed with the story", why is the "cast and crew" confused? Oh, and just like in ATTWL 3, there's a cameraman in this tale, awesome.

[SpongeOddFan]

I've been immortalized in an episode of Bikini Top. I can die a fulfilled man now.

same here, Wumbo.

[So Sejima]

Now if you won't mind realizing that I probably signed up for an episode like this, I have to go cry in a corner now. 

[Jjs Goodman]

Bikini Top Season 2

 
21. To All of You
22. Look After You
23. Hallelujah
24. I'm Just A Kid
25. Gossip Hurl
26. Fade to Black
27. Eet
28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)
29. Christmas Lights (Part 2)
30. Dream a Little Dream of Me

31. Express Yourself

 

32. Pray For You:

Spoiler

 

[Jjs: This is a work of Da Vinci.]

[Hayden: Screw the title card. The title alone already makes me want to punch him in the face.]

 

S2E12 (32)- Pray For You: Temperance has left herself in her room when she's not at school. 

 

[Jjs: No more recaps? 70s, I am disappointed.]

[Hayden: You've got the right idea, Temperance. Just go mope in the kitchen though like the Bible commands.]

 

When she is at school, she sits alone. Her old friends have come to her, and told her to come sit with her, but she declines. Mikayla has become annoyed with her, and leaves her alone. Brenda has become concerned.

 

[Jjs: How much longer does Temperance's mother have to live anyways? Bet you guys still forgot she had cancer didn't ya.]

[Hayden: 70s is so great at writing adults, why hasn't he given any screentime to Brenda for her to cry about having cancer?]

 

"I'm going in there," she said one day. It was February 23rd, a Monday night.

 

[Jjs: Wait a second...

 

*goes back and rereads the previous episode*

 

In the last episode, it was said Valentine's Day was on a FRIDAY. Do the math. The 23rd couldn't be a Monday with that logic. INCONSISTENCY POLICE! 70s really has lost track of time with his annoying time skips.]

[Hayden: He should probably just stop trying to clarify the time at all, all it does is give his writing another chance to "flounder".]

 

"Bad idea..." Tristan told her. "It's best to just let her go through what she's going through on her own."

 

"But none of this would have happened if it weren't for me. She was upset because I have cancer."

 

[Jjs: Cancer just ruins everything.]

[Hayden: It's almost like that information gave Temperance cancer herself, that's just how close Brenda and Temperance are.]

 

"You can't help that," said Tristan. "Trust me, it's okay." He kissed her.

 

She sighed. "Tristan, I have something to tell you."

 

"What is it?"

 

"I'm dying."

 

[Jjs: You mean she never told him before? Because you know, you always wait until the last minute to tell someone you have cancer.]

[Hayden: NO FUCKING SHIT, if Tristan knew about Brenda telling Temperance about the cancer, he already knew about her state of illness, that last line was a mediocre attempt to induce drama as we head into the episode after he's ignored this plot for half a decade.]

 

(Theme plays)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lzqRVuRqN0 ]

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sC6d1z8z-U ]

 

("I'm a Terrible Person" by Rooney ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZubL_l_rHw ) plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: Yes you are 70s. So is everyone else in this spin-off.]

[Hayden: HE FINALLY FOUND A SONG THAT MATCHES THIS SHOW PERFECTLY. Likely the only one.]

 

Jake and Morgan woke up the next morning.

 

"You're my teenage dream..." said Morgan. "Just so you know." She kissed him.

 

[Hayden: That shit happened 9 days ago timeline wise, move the fuck on. Scratch that, you probably already had Jex again.]

 

"You know... you should move in with me."

 

"What?" she laughed.

 

"Next week is your eighteenth birthday," Jake said. "You're always here anyways. You should move in."

 

"What, so we could have sex more often?"

 

"This relationship isn't just about sex," Jake said.

 

"Oh, really?" Morgan asked.

 

[Jjs: Wow, I think that is the smartest thing to ever come out of Jake's mouth.]

[Hayden: You had me fooled Jake.]

 

Jake got on top of her. He kissed her. "I," kiss, "want," kiss, "to," kiss, "spend," kiss, "as," kiss, "much," kiss, "time," kiss, "as," kiss, "I," kiss, "can," kiss, "with," kiss, "you." Long kiss.

 

[Jjs: Thanks 70s, I wouldn't have gathered from all the "kiss"es.]

[Hayden: Damn, can this relationship get any steamier?]

 

"You do know I love you?" a breathless Morgan said after the kiss(es).

 

"I do."

 

"Well... you and Jackie rushed into things, and that didn't work out."

 

[Jjs: I'm still not even sure why she broke up with him.]

[Hayden: I wouldn't say a baby is really rushing into anything. At least in Bikini Top it isn't.]

 

"But me and you are so much better 

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: you and me]

 

than me and Jackie," said Jake. 

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: Jackie and I]

 

"Me and Jackie work better as friends. 

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: Jackie and I

 

We're gonna need the Proofread Neglect Police to counter this one.]

 

There was never this... electricity between us, like there is between you and me. I didn't feel this intense need to always be with her, to always be with her in bed, naked -- but really, this isn't just about sex, I swear. You're the love of my life, and what happened between us is ancient history. It was forever ago. What matters now is that I want to be with you. Forever."

 

[Jjs: Scratch my earlier comment, THAT is the smartest thing to ever come out of Jake's mouth.]

[Hayden: Wow, Jake has become so suave. Is this character development?]

 

"You're not proposing, are you?"

 

"I already told you," said Jake, "I want you to move in."

 

"And how would your mother feel about that?" Morgan asked.

 

"Don't know, don't care. If she doesn't like it, I'm 18. I can take my money from my trust fund and buy my own place."

 

[Jjs: So much for that ring he bought for Jackie.]

[Hayden: So even though you have no conflict with your mother that I can remember, you're just going to bail out on the free ride with her and move in with Morgan with what little money you have? Dumbass Jake is back folks.]

 

"Wait, if you have the money from your trust fund then why are you still working at the Smoothie Shack?"

 

"Meh, I like it there," Jake said.

 

[Jjs: The Smoothie Shack really is holy. Maybe 70s will pull a great twist with it, like Astenias is running it. ZOMG.]

[Hayden: Because even with a trust fund you aren't set for life and should keep earning the dough regardless? What kind of stupid question was that? Why is everyone apparently rich? Do they all have some stock in the Smoothie Shack that they invested on?]

 

"Well... I can give your offer some thought, okay?"

 

"That's all I ask."

 

And they kissed again.

 

~~~

 

Anna was asleep when her phone started ringing. It was Molly.

 

"For the last time, I'm fine!" she yelled. "No one is trying to kill me!"

 

[Jjs: We are.]

[Hayden: Anna, you forgot to say "Hi", you stupid rude bitch.]

 

Suddenly Molly was in her room.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"For what?"

 

"The way I've been acting the past couple of months," Molly said. "It's irrational to think you wouldn't be fine. He was obviously after me."

 

[Jjs: Wait, past couple of months? But the incident happened on January 1st or so. INCONSISTENCY POLICE!]

[Hayden: Because I totally buy that the guy would just show up and then leave for two straight months, and what are the stupid Vampires doing over all this time? Nevermind, I don't want to know...]

 

Anna sat up. "Who was he?"

 

"His name is Rainn," Molly said. "He is my brother."

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Hayden: ....Did you know that the whole time? Did 70s know that the whole time? Or did he just make that man show up to add suspense and intrigue to Molly/Anna's story and then decide what to do with it later? >_>]

 

~~~

 

Bryan was up, and he went downstairs to find Mitchell drinking coffee and watching the news. "Good morning. Just getting ready for school."

 

"Good morning, Bryan," said Mitchell.

 

Bryan yawned.

 

[Jjs: So are the riffers Bryan, so are the riffers. Seriously, that line added so much plot importance.]

[Hayden: Why hasn't Astenias killed Mitchell for not doing what he asked yet?]

 

"So... I have to talk to you about something," said Mitchell.

 

"What is it?" Bryan asked.

 

"You should really visit your mother," said Mitchell. "It would mean a lot to her and Zack. She misses you; you're her son."

 

"I know, I just... I have friends here, and I don't want to leave them, even if only for a few months," Bryan said. "Plus, I don't want to miss that much school, even if I do it there. I'm sure they're not learning what we are, and I'll fall behind when and if I get back."

 

[Jjs: You won't miss much here Bryan, other than vampires, sex, and drama. I'd leave too.]

[Hayden: Because after all that's happened, it's totally believable that you'd want to stay in this shithole. Who does Bryan even talk to in one on one scenes besides Jake?]

 

"Speaking of missing school... you don't have it today, apparently," Mitchell said. "Snow day."

 

"Awesome," Bryan said, and he slowly walked back up the stairs, stifled another long yawn, and went back to bed.

 

Mitchell was fighting an intense thirst. He knew what he had to do. He grabbed the keys to Tori's boatmobile and took it to the blood bank, where he compelled the employee that was there and convinced her that he was never there. He stole an abundance of bags of blood, and left. On his way home, he drank three bags.

 

"Tasty," he said.

 

[Jjs: Haha, vampires like blood! Wait, was this supposed to be funny, or even important?]

[Hayden: If Vampires don't want to harm "intelligent creatures", why haven't they all been visiting this magical blood blank?]

 

~~~

 

("The Saddest Song in the World" by Meiko ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lx8ktH_HvO0&feature=related ) plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: Two for two? Maybe this will be the first episode where all songs fit into the episode.]

[Hayden: 70s might be on a roll with these for once. Oops, better not jinx it.]

 

Temperance got out of her room later that morning, to see Brenda, Tristan, and Mikayla all at the table, crying.

 

"What is it?" she asked. She became worried. "What's wrong?"

 

"It's Mom..." said Mikayla.

 

"The cancer spread," Brenda told Temperance. "It's inoperable. The doctor said I have four months left to live, if that."

 

[Jjs: So how much you guys wanna bet she'll live past four months due to 70s' brilliant time skills? Or maybe earlier, whatever floats your boats.]

[Hayden: The cancer that you knew you were diagnosed with how many fucking months ago has finally spread? Did you think to try chemo or jump on it sooner Brenda? Oh wait, you've been too concerned about Temperance's white girl problems to get around to that.]

 

Tristan beat the table, prompting the sleeping Alex to wake up and start to cry.

 

[Jjs: You bastard, the table did nothing wrong! Oh, and Alex still exists.]

[Hayden: Poor little Alex, trying to get a little sleep around here.]

 

"No..." Temperance said. "No..."

 

"Honey..." said Brenda.

 

"No!" Temperance yelled. She ran out of the house. Mikayla ran after her.

 

"Just leave me the hell alone!" Temperance yelled.

 

[Jjs: HEY, BAD CHRISTIAN!]

[Hayden: SHE'LL LEAVE YOU THE HEAVEN ALONE WHEN SHE FEELS LIKE IT!]

 

"Why are you swearing?" Mikayla yelled. "If there was ever a time we needed you and your religious crap, it would be now! You should be praying for Mom!"

 

"I've been praying for Mom for months!" Temperance cried. She started sobbing uncontrollably, and after a while, she said, "There is no God."

 

[Jjs: Well, finally now she blames God for her mother having cancer. And honestly, why are they still forgetting Neptune exists...oh who cares. This spin-off really shows how much 70s cared about SpongeBob, if you guys haven't noticed by now.]

[Hayden: Welcome to the Atheist club Temperance! Though I was hoping it wouldn't be because of a temper tantrum induced by "God" robbing your mother of her life.]

 

"Of course there is," Mikayla said. "Don't say that."

 

"There is no God," Temperance said, and she ran to her boatmobile.

 

[Jjs: There must be a God if Temperance is no longer an over-religious annoyance.]

[Hayden: Don't worry, she'll become a new type of annoyance.]

 

"Don't go out driving right now!" Mikayla said. "The roads are terrible!"

 

"I need to get away from here!" Temperance screamed. She drove away.

 

[Jjs: Will she drive off a bridge again? Or pull a 70s and drive her car into the river?]

[Hayden: That's definitely where 70s got the inspiration for this scene from. From his own "experience". If he kills off Temperance, I don't know whether to clap or just be pissed off her last attempt didn't work and 70s dragged this out.]

 

Mikayla started to cry. She walked back into the house.

 

"She's gone," she said.

 

"Gone?" Brenda asked. "Where?"

 

"All she said was that she had to get away..." Mikayla said as she cried. "And then she just drove off."

 

"Does she have her cell phone?" Tristan asked.

 

Brenda pointed to Temperance's cell phone on the counter and said, "Oh Lord, please help this family."

 

[70s!Jesus: Of course I will! All of these characters are godly and have nothing wrong with them. Hehe, I am so awesome...]

[Jjs: WOULD YOU GET OUT OF HERE 70S. *locks out of theater again*]

[Hayden: Yeah, they're fucked.]

 

~~~

 

"What do you mean, your brother?" Anna asked. "I thought there was only one Morrigan."

 

[Jjs: So is there some delayed response everyone has until their particular scene? Wouldn't surprise me if Doctor Who froze them too.]

[Hayden: We're supposed to believe all these events are happening at the same time I would figure. Also, excellent job Anna, there is only supposed to be one Morrigan but 70s laughs in the face of logic and research.]

 

"That's not true," Molly said. "He's just like me, except he's evil."

 

[Jjs: INCONSISTENCY POLICE! Molly said there were MULTIPLE MORRIGANS (which isn't true, but I digress) in Episode 29, which SHE SAID TO ANNA!]

[Hayden: Evil? What an amazingly unique trait to give her sibling.]

 

"What does he want from you?"

 

"I don't know," Molly said.

 

"Are you telling me the truth?"

 

"Of course."

 

"You're not lying to me to keep me safe or anything?"

 

"Well, why would I do that?"

 

"Whatever," Anna said.

 

[Hayden: This. Is. So. Repetitive.]

[Jjs: Sorry to steal your gag Metal Snake, but...

 ]

 

Then Anna heard someone walking up the stairs.

 

"My mom!" Anna said. "Turn invisible!"

 

And Molly disappeared.

 

Anna's mother, Helen, walked into the room. She looked around and eventually said, "Who were you talking to? I could've sworn I heard you talking to someone."

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, her mother exists. At least her entrance didn't involve her walking in on a Molly and Anna make out session.]

[Hayden: I wish this plot would turn invisible.]

 

"Oh, no one," Anna said. "I was just watching TV."

 

"But... the TV's not on."

 

[Jjs: A wizard did it.]

 

"I didn't want to be rude," Anna said, and laughed. She was a terrible liar. "I heard you coming upstairs so I turned it off."

 

Helen sighed. She started pacing around Anna's room when she bumped into the invisible Molly. She jumped. "What is that?" she yelled.

 

[Jjs: It's a new form of air that looks like a person. Or it's an invisible Morrigan. Take your pick.]

[Hayden: Invisible Molly didn't think to move? Guess those Morrigan powers are only good in the hands of capable individuals, probably like Rainn who hopefully kills the entire cast.]

 

~~~

 

Mitchell's cell phone started to ring. It was Astenias. He walked outside to answer.

 

"Hello?" he said.

 

"You," Astenias said.

 

[Jjs: Me.]

[Hayden: Who?]

 

"Yes?"

 

"I need Bryan Errin," Astenias said. "And soon."

 

[Jjs: Astenias' anal rape skills are growing weak...]

[Hayden: "How about in six months, does that sound good?"]

 

"I'm doing the best I can," Mitchell lied.

 

[Jjs: So three months then?]

 

"His mother and step-father are here."

 

"And why exactly would I care about that?" Astenias growled. "Get him to me." He hung up.

 

[Jjs: For such an ancient leader, he sure must suck if he can't tell when his henchmen are lying. WAIT, ASTENIAS ASKED A QUESTION! OOOOOH, HE'S IN TROUBLE!]

[Hayden: Bad Astenias bad. *squirts with water bottle*]

 

~~~

 

Brenda put Alex in bed for her nap, still crying. After doing so, she asked Tristan, "Do you think Temperance is okay?"

 

"Of course she is," he assured her, and kissed her forehead.

 

[Jjs: Who knows, maybe Dora will save her this time.]

[Hayden: Don't go after her or anything.]

 

Brenda breathed heavily. "I just need her to be okay. I don't know what I would do with myself if she wasn't."

 

"She'll come home all safe soon," Tristan said. "Don't you worry."

 

"I don't believe you," she said, and she cried harder.

 

"Shh, shh," he said, and put his fins through her hair. "This is going to be okay. Everything is. It's all going to be okay. Just trust me, babe."

 

"I wish I could," she said, and walked to their bedroom.

 

[Hayden: All of these "It's going to be okay" conversations are so freaking creepy and fake.]

 

~~~

 

("I'd Rather Be With You" by Joshua Radin ( 

) plays throughout the scene)

 

Seth was in his apartment, watching some TV and having lunch. Oh, how he loved snow days. There was a knock on the door, and he opened it to see Heather.

 

[Jjs: UH OH]

[Hayden: 70s, stop trying to make this a thing, you backed out of Liam, you can still back out of this without anybody noticing/caring.]

 

"Heather," he said. "What are you doing here?"

 

"We're always at my house, and I wanted to see what your apartment was like," she said. "I love it. I figured it would be some dingy mancave, but it's actually really nice, and surprisingly large."

 

"Didn't I tell you my parents were rich?"

 

[Hayden: Because everybody's rich but has parents who split up, STOP COPYING/PASTING THE SAME BACKSTORY ONTO EVERY CHARACTER.]

 

"Well, yeah. But I'm still impressed."

 

"Come on in," he said, and took her coat and put it on the coat rack. Once it was off and the door was closed, he started passionately kissing her.

 

"I actually came to discuss something with you," she said.

 

"What is it?" Seth asked.

 

"I..." she stopped talking. She took his ring off her finger, and gently set it on the coffee table.

 

[Jjs: Oh finally, no more pedophilia.]

[Hayden: So what made Heather finally pull her head out of her ass? 70s just had no idea what to do with this plot anymore right?]

 

~~~

 

"Anna!" Helen said. "What in the world is this?"

 

"Molly..." Anna said, "just show yourself."

 

And Molly became visible.

 

Helen screamed.

 

[Jjs: Don't worry, she's probably just playing hide and seek.]

[Hayden: Helen, she isn't that ugly, show some manners.]

 

"Mom, this is my girlfriend, Molly," said Anna. "She's the Morrigan."

 

Helen screamed louder.

 

[Jjs: So which part is she screaming about? The lesbian part or the Morrigan part?]

[Hayden: Oh, just because she's a lesbian, you homophobes are all the same...]

 

"This is useless," Molly said. She placed her fins on different sides of Helen's head, and Helen collapsed onto the ground.

 

[Hayden: More Deus Ex Machina powers!]

 

Now Anna screamed.

 

[Jjs: 

]

[Hayden: *stabs Anna in the heart* Okay, I think that finally shut everyone up.]

 

~~~

 

Jake, Morgan, and Bryan ate lunch.

 

[Jjs: Where?]

[Hayden: At the Smoothie Shack, keep the hell up Jjs.]

 

"So... have you given my offer any thought?" Jake asked Morgan.

 

"Yep..." said Morgan.

 

"...And?"

 

"I still don't know."

 

[Jjs: That sums up everyone's reaction to what the hell the plot is of this spin-off.]

 

"Please," said Jake.

 

"Can we maybe talk about something else?" Bryan asked.

 

"Like what?"

 

"Like... Temperance. What's up with her lately?"

 

[Jjs: Nothing, she's probably just going to drive off a bridge and be saved by either Hersht, Dora, or Jordin, take your pick.]

[Hayden: She isn't about to die, I assure you Bryan. But good job asking about her 10 days after the karaoke incident.]

 

~~~

 

("Look What You've Done" by Jet ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjPb2HJl0Co ) plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: Yes 70s, look at what you did to this story. LOOK AT IT, I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT IT!]

[Hayden: Pretty sure whatever is about to happen was only brought on by Temperance herself.]

 

Temperance stopped to get gas. Her makeup was smeared because of all the crying she had been doing. Then she decided to buy some beer at the gas station.

 

She walked in and grabbed a six-pack of beer and put it on the counter.

 

[Jjs: From anorexic to depressed suicidal to over-religious and now to an alcoholic atheist! Temperance really is the Meg Griffin of Bikini Top.]

[Hayden: She really has done it all. It's so obvious 70s has no idea what the hell to do with her....which is why she's about to die.]

 

"Can I see some identification?" the cashier asked.

 

"Please..." Temperance asked. "Just, please..."

 

"How old are you?" the cashier asked impatiently.

 

"Seventeen," said Temperance. "But please, my mom has cancer and she doesn't have long to live and all my friends hate me and I turned to God for help and he's done absolutely nothing, and I just don't know what to do.... Just please give me the beer."

 

[Jjs: Because when God fails you, beer will come through for you. #GodFailed #BeerWins]

[Hayden: She must be an American now too.]

 

The cashier now looked sympathetic. "I'm genuinely sorry to hear that."

 

[Jjs: I wish I had the care of this cool cashier to say the same thing.]

"That does me no good."

 

[Hayden: Sorry your sob story didn't let you get around the law, gosh you guys, I just feel so bad for Temperance.]

 

"Drop the attitude and listen," said the cashier. "I'm sorry. We all go through tough times. God is truly, truly busy. Busier than anyone can understand. And as hard as this may be for someone as young as you to hear, everyone has to die sometime."

 

[Hayden: Is 70s trying to make this cashier sound wise? They're a gas station cashier for fuck's sake.]

 

"That doesn't help!" Temperance yelled, and she ran out of the gas station and kept driving.

 

Where was she driving? She didn't know. She was just driving. She thought for a while, and decided her next destination was her father's grave.

 

[Hayden: Maybe she can also visit her own grave. HA.]

 

~~~

 

("Musicbox" by Regina Spektor ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkSwF42cOm8&feature=related ) plays throughout the scene)

 

"Did you kill her?" Anna yelled.

 

"Oh, of course not!" Molly said. "I just wiped her memory and knocked her out. We can just lay her on her bed and she'll have no idea what happened." Molly picked Helen up with no difficulty.

 

[Jjs: Morrigans can wipe memories too? 70s really didn't do his research.]

[Hayden: Morrigans can also shoot lasers from their eyes and fart rainbows. Talk about overpowered.....]

 

Anna gaped. "I don't like saying this, but, well... my mom's fat. How are you carrying her so easily?"

 

[Jjs: Good thing Helen can't hear this or she would pull a Temperance.]

 

"When will you realize there's a lot of things I can do?" said Molly matter-of-factly. "Things I haven't told you about?"

 

"I suppose I just didn't realize there were this many..." Anna said.

 

[Jjs: Many that 70s pulled out of his ass.]

[Hayden: Write down a list of everything you can do Molly and then spend no less than 24 hours drilling it into Anna's head, then she MIGHT remember half of it.]

 

"I'm sorry," Molly said. "I'm just not quite comfortable sharing the extent of my powers with others yet, even if I care about them as much as I care about you, I simply don't like it."

 

"I guess that's okay," Anna said.

 

[Hayden: If I had 5,385 different powers to choose from, I'd brag about them all.]

 

The two of them walked in silence for a while and Molly gently lay Helen on her bed.

 

"She won't remember a thing," Molly said. "I apologize for that fiasco."

 

"No need," Anna said. "At least we're both safe, my monster." She gently kissed her.

 

[Jjs: EWW NOT "MY MONSTER" CRAP AGAIN NEXT SCENE]

[Hayden: Still not cute, at least make the lesbian sex scenes hot 70s, instead of cringeworthy.]

 

~~~

 

("Everytime We Touch" by Cascada ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mM6ywgCLEms ) plays throughout the scene)

 

Seth picked up Heather's ring from the table. He frowned. "You... want to break up?"

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"Why, though?" Seth asked. "Things between us have been going great. We love each other, we have fun together, we have great, hot sex, we're out in the open.... What more could you ask for?"

 

[Pedophile Police Officer: Jjs, I thought you said they were going out.]

[Jjs: They did! I'm not sure why she wants to break up with him now, she must be trying to cover her ass.]

 

"People are gossiping about me..." Heather said. "And I don't like it. They're calling me a cradlerobber and a slut."

 

[Jjs: Well they aren't wrong.]

[Hayden: Heather from Total Drama has more of a spine than this poser.]

 

"Who cares what other people think?"

 

Heather sighed. "I do."

 

"Well... I don't," said Seth. "We love each other, and that's all I care about: you and me. Why should I care what people say? Why should you? You're a strong, confident woman, and you're way above being defined by what people think."

 

"But..."

 

"People will talk," Seth told her, "so we may as well give them something great to talk about." He took his belt off quickly and took off Heather's shirt, then his own. He kissed her passionately.

 

[Pedophile Police Officer: WHAT IS THIS SHIT. GET THE BACK UP MEN, NOW!]

 

"You're right," Heather said after the kiss, and she kissed him again.

 

[Jjs: And so, this absolutely did nothing to the story. Instead of maybe breaking them up, 70s goes back to the status quo after a pointless "will they or won't they" scene.]

[Hayden: ......................*jumps off a bridge*]

 

~~~

 

("Shout It Out Loud" by KISS ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16cEJ-CBejA ) plays throughout the scene)

 

Astenias sat in his chair, pondering his next move. Suddenly, Arianna walked in.

 

[Hayden: He's been pondering for a long ass time. This is why you don't kill the people with critical thinking abilities Astenias.]

[Jjs: 

]

 

"Master," she said, "I can't do this anymore."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"This life... being a vampire," she said. "I cannot handle it any longer."

 

[Jjs: Really? Because we've barely seen you do anything as it is.]

[Hayden: She killed Sandy and it had an emotional toll on her...for absolutely no reason.]

 

"That's fine," Astenias told her.

 

"What?"

 

Astenias seized a stake from right next to him, and stabbed Arianna in the heart with it. She fell down on the ground, dead.

 

[Jjs: ....YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS. Ugh, I'm too tired to rant. No wonder Astenias has no henchmen, he can't keep them for more than 5 or 6 episodes. Deadly leader my ass.]

[Hayden: Let's just take a moment to realize Astenias has the one thing that can kill him right next to him at all times apparently, oh right and Arianna Grande died. *yawns*]

 

"Now, I suppose I could visit Bikini Top..." Astenias said. "Stay in her house... see what Mitchell is up to."

 

[Hayden: Well about goddamn time you got off your ass and did something close to advancing your ultimate goals.]

 

He threw Arianna's body into a nearby stream. It floated away....

 

[Jjs: Row row row your body gently down the stream...]

[Hayden: Merrily merrily merrily this spin-off is a really bad dream.]

 

~~~

 

Everyone was out of the house doing something.

 

[Jjs: Well that's specific. Leaves things to the imagination...]

 

Everyone but Bryan and Mitchell. Bryan was sitting on the couch when Mitchell walked up to him.

 

"Hello," Mitchell said.

 

"Er... hi," said Bryan.

 

"There's something that must be worked out between us," said Mitchell.

 

"About...?" Bryan asked.

 

[Jjs: "Boy, I'm just going to say that you shouldn't be scared of my boss, anal rape isn't as bad as it seems!"]

 

"You'll be staying with your mother and Zack in WaterFalls," Mitchell said.

 

"No, I don't want to."

 

"I wasn't asking you, I was telling you," Mitchell said. He compelled Bryan. "You'll be staying with your mother and Zack in WaterFalls."

 

"I'll be staying with my mother and Zack in WaterFalls..." Bryan repeated him.

 

[Jjs: How does Mitchell manage to compel these people? He must have a beautiful face like Jake's.]

 

"Good boy," Mitchell said.

 

[Jjs: Bad boy.]

[Hayden: *rolls eyes*]

 

~~~

 

("I Miss You" by blink-182 ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2yStD2GWhU ) plays throughout the scene)

 

Brenda was in her bedroom, in bed. Suddenly, she didn't feel like sitting still anymore. She went to Temperance's room, and sat on her bed, and cried some more.

 

[Hayden: .....I was kidding when I said Brenda needed some crying focus.]

 

Mikayla walked in. "Mom..." she said, trying to comfort her. "I'm sure Temperance is fine."

 

"Oh, I know s-sweetie," said Brenda.

 

"She's fine," Mikayla said again.

 

"I know..." Brenda assured her. "I'm not worried."

 

Mikayla wasn't convinced, but she gave in. "Okay, just making sure." She walked out of the room and lightly shut the door for her mother.

 

"How's she doing?" Tristan asked her.

 

"Not good."

 

"I'm sure she'll feel better soon," said Tristan.

 

[Jjs: Yeah, because someone who is about to die will totally get better. Husband of the year folks.]

[Hayden: Tristan, you are so fucking useless. You make Trevor look like the most important character in this spin-off.]

 

"Hopefully."

 

"You do think Temperance will be okay, don't you?" Mikayla asked.

 

"Of course I do," Tristan said.

 

[Hayden: If Temperance doesn't die, all these annoying conversations are for naught.]

 

~~~

 

("Love Story" by Taylor Swift ( 

) plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: Why am I not surprised this song would end up here sooner or later?]

[Hayden: None of the couples in this show can really be called a true love story, especially the one in this scene.....I jinxed poor 70s and his song selecting skills.]

 

Jake and Morgan were at the Smoothie Shack.

 

"So, have you come to your decision?" Jake asked her.

 

Morgan was silent for a while as she drank her smoothie. "Hmm..."

 

"I love you," said Jake. "Please."

 

"I love you too, but--" Morgan said.

 

"--Please."

 

Morgan laughed. "Yes."

 

"Yes?"

 

"Yes! Now come here and kiss me!"

 

He did so.

 

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #1.]

[Hayden: I'm glad we got so much from Morgan's perspective about this, I was totally scared she'd say no.]

 

~~~

 

Tori, Zoe, and Zack got back from shopping. Bryan helped them carry in the groceries, and then he talked to his mother.

 

"So, will you come to WaterFalls?" she asked him.

 

"Of course I will," Bryan said. "I'll come to visit you and Zack."

 

"Oh, that's great!" she said. "I'm so excited!"

 

"Yeah," said Mitchell. "I'm sure you'll have a great time with your mother, Bryan. I guarantee it, in fact."

 

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #2.]

[Hayden: You stay here and be killed by Astenias, okay Mitchell? Good, as long as we all remember our roles in this poorly plotted piece of crap.]

 

~~~

 

Anna and Molly were watching TV when Molly checked the time.

 

"Your mother will be getting up soon," she said. "I'd better get going."

 

"Fine," Anna said. "Goodbye."

 

"Bye," Molly said, and she kissed Anna's cheek. Then she was gone.

 

A few minutes later, Helen got up.

 

"Good morning," she said to Anna.

 

"Actually, it's about three o'clock," Anna told her.

 

"What in the world?"

 

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #3. Three strikes, and you're out once again. PADDING POLICE!]

[Padding Police Officer: We're going to have to write a ten page sentence for Mr. Calvin Reynolds.]

[Hayden: 70s has backed out of several opportunities to have something happen in this episode, what will he back out of next?]

 

~~~

 

("Pray For You" by Jaron and the Long Road to Love ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atBg9zLI2bA ) plays throughout the scene)

 

Temperance cried as she was at her father's grave. "Dad... you weren't the best guy in the world. But I really, really miss you. I just have a feeling you'd know what to do now. I sure don't know what to do. This is the hardest time I've ever gone through, and I just... I don't know anymore. With everything happening to Mom, I just hate it." She laid a rose on the grave, and got in her boatmobile.

 

She was driving home when she noticed there was a lot of traffic, so she decided she would take the back way home. She starts driving down a hill when the boatmobile starts sliding quickly. She panics, and slams her foot on the brake. The boatmobile starts to swerve at a rapid rate, and it hits a tree. Hard.

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Hayden: *gives standing ovation* YES YES YES FUCK YES WOOHOO HE ACTUALLY WENT THROUGH WITH IT, THIS IS THE BEST OCCURRENCE IN BIKINI TOP HISTORY, NOTHING CAN RUIN THIS!]

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP

"I'm a Terrible Person" by Rooney

"The Saddest Song in the World" by Meiko

"I'd Rather Be With You" by Joshua Radin

"Look What You've Done" by Jet

"Musicbox" by Regina Spektor

"Everytime We Touch" by Cascada

"Shout It Out Loud" by KISS

"I Miss You" by blink-182

"Love Story" by Taylor Swift

"Pray For You" by Jaron and the Long Road to Love

 

---

 

Leaving people hanging is fun.

 

Reviews desired.

 

[Jjs: No.]

[Hayden: I'll leave you hanging....over a bridge. If Temperance isn't really dead next time.]

[Metal Snake]

Ha ha. There's another inconsistency too. Mitchell had no reason to ever hypnotize Zoe into convincing Bryan to come to WaterFalls if he was just going to hypnotize Bryan into wanting to come.

[Jjs Goodman]

Sorry for the delays...

 

Bikini Top Season 2

 
21. To All of You
22. Look After You
23. Hallelujah
24. I'm Just A Kid
25. Gossip Hurl
26. Fade to Black
27. Eet
28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)
29. Christmas Lights (Part 2)
30. Dream a Little Dream of Me

31. Express Yourself

32. Pray For You

 

33. Under My Bed:

Spoiler

 

 

[Jjs: This is a work of Raphael.]

 

S2E13 (33)- Under My Bed:

 

[box: ...do I even really want to know what happens? alsoimbackforthisonehellomerrychristmas]

[Jjs: GET ALONG WITH THE VOICES INSIDE MY HEAD]

 

Brenda sat on the couch. She just sat there, like she had been doing for so long. She couldn't believe her daughter was in a coma.

 

[Trophy: Hitting a tree in a car gets you a coma? LOGIC POLICE!]

[Jjs: So instead of assuming Temperance died, and maybe building up to this in a better way, we just jump right ahead and say she has a coma. Thanks for ruining the suspense.]

 

She might not be alive tomorrow. For all she knew, she wasn't alive right now.

 

[Trophy: HOW IS SHE IN A COMA THEN!??!]

 

The hospital had told her they would do the best they could.... But would that be enough? She didn't know what she would do if her Temperance died.

 

"Honey," Tristan said, "you need to get out somewhere besides the hospital and do something."

 

"Why?" Brenda asked. "What's the point?"

 

[Trophy: Our boredom.]

[Jjs: You need to get out somewhere besides the hospital and do something. What else is there to it?]

 

"These are your last few months of life," he said to her. "You shouldn't spend them worrying about Temperance."

 

"How could I not worry about my daughter?" Brenda said to him. "She is my family, my flesh and blood. I can't stop worrying about her. I don't have time to worry about myself."

 

[box: This is from a SpongeBob fanfiction. A+. Good job. You did it.]

[Jjs: Temperance is Brenda's flesh and blood? JCM, that's gross.]

 

"If only you knew how much it hurts me to say that,"

 

[Jjs: Are we riffing ATTWL 3 again?]

[Trophy: THE ATTWL REFERENCES ARE KILLING ME!]

 

Mikayla said. She had just entered the room.

 

"Honey..." said Brenda.

 

"Mom, I'm worried about Temperance too. Extremely worried, in fact. She's my sister, of course I am.

 

[Jjs: "Yeah yeah, I HAVE to be worried, since she's like, family, and stuff."]

 

But you're my mother, and you're dying. Please do something worthwhile and don't just think about Temperance. Why would you want your last days here to be worrying over someone else's last days."

 

"That someone else is my daughter."

 

"So am I."

 

"I'm going to visit her." Brenda got up off the couch.

 

[Jjs: The number 1 step to accomplishing things folks: Getting off the goddamn couch. *applauds Brenda*]

[box:  ]

 

"It makes no difference!" Mikayla yelled. "Mom, she's in a coma! It makes no difference if you're there!"

 

"You can tell yourself that all you want," Brenda said. "Maybe it makes it easier for you to deal with this trauma. You haven't been there to see her once, and that's a shame. You don't see how fragile she is... how hopeless and lifeless. I need to be there for her. It's not you two's job

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: your jobs]

 

to tell me how I should spend my last days alive. It's my decision and I want to be there for Temperance. That's what I choose, and you two should leave it alone."

 

And she left.

 

[Jjs: Try again. Two hops this time, now to the right...]

 

Tristan sighed.

 

"Do you think she's right?" Mikayla asked. "Should we be worried about Temperance? Is she going to die?"

 

[box: ...Nah, she crashed her car into a tree and is in a coma. She'll be fine.]

[Jjs: Sister of the year folks. I vaguely remember Temperance used to hate this bitch back in Season 1. Now I remember why.]

 

"You know as much as I do," Tristan said. "But maybe you should visit her. She is your sister."

 

[Jjs: MAYBE you should visit her? Yeah, I'd ponder about visiting a potentially about to die family member, as well.]

 

Mikayla ran outside so she could go with Brenda.

 

(Theme plays)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lzqRVuRqN0 ]

[Trophy: Wait, THAT WAS ALL THE OPENING AGAIN?! Whatever this theme song is, it must be five seconds long.]

 

("We R Who We R" by Ke$ha ( 

) plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: *sprays 70s with water bottle* Bad, bad.]

 

Jake and Morgan were at Morgan's house, putting things into boxes, preparing to get her moved into Jake's house.

 

Heather was standing there. "You're really moving out?"

 

[Trophy: I am! *gets brick'd*]

[Jjs: Moving out when neither are married...then again, Bikini Top has screwed logic as it is.]

 

"Mom, it's nothing personal."

 

"Oh, really?" Heather said.

 

"Really," Morgan assured her.

 

[Jjs: "Really, it is a lot personal."]

 

"I don't believe you."

 

"Good for you," Morgan said. "Have you called Seth? I'd love his help. I know he's the hot piece of ass you claim to love for some reason besides his looks, but he's still my friend."

 

[box: "Hot piece of ass". *you tried*]

 

"Sure, I'll call him," Heather said, ignoring her daughter's comment about her lover's amazing appearance.

 

["We all know what you meant" Police: Did you mean: ass]

 

While Heather was outside talking to Seth, Jake asked Morgan, "Please, stop being so rude to your mom, okay? This can't be easy for her."

 

[Trophy: Or us riffers either.]

 

"Why do you care?"

 

"You're 17. She doesn't have to let you do this."

 

"I don't care. I'll go anyways." She scoffed.

 

"Morgan..."

 

"Fine," Morgan said. "I'll play nice. I'm just upset because I can't stop thinking about Temperance. She reached out to all of us at the party, and we rejected her... and now she might die. She was driving because she was upset about being rejected by us--"

 

[Jjs: THE DREADED DASH AND ELLIPSES DISEASE HAS STRUCK AGAIN!]

 

"--and because of Brenda's cancer."

 

[Trophy: Brenda who? Oh right, Temperance's mom has cancer, I keep forgetting.]

[box: Maybe it's Brenda Song, or whatever other celebrity whose name starts with Brenda.]

 

"But still, if she had us to talk to about it, she wouldn't be hurt. She would be with us right now."

 

"It's not going to help to blame yourself," Jake told her, and kissed the top of her head. "I love you. Now be nice."

 

"Fine."

 

They continued packing, and Heather walked back in later with Seth.

 

"Hey Mor," Seth said.

 

[Jjs: Set.]

[Trophy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99KZfOgOtu4 ]

 

"You're not allowed to call me that!" Morgan protested.

 

[Jjs: Okay Mor.]

 

"Morgan..." said Jake.

 

Morgan sighed. "Hi, Seth. Thanks for coming to help."

 

"No problem."

 

~~~

 

("Everybody Hurts" by REM ( 

) plays throughout the scene)

 

[box: Everybody hurts. Including me. Help.]

 

Anna was crying in her room when Molly popped right in. Anna jumped.

 

[Jjs: I guess Helen will never get the answer of why time froze for her, or as I'd like to call the events of the previous episode: "The Day Helen Stood Still".]

[Trophy: Or why I'm doing this at 10:30 AM.]

 

"Aren't you used to me doing that by now?" Molly asked. "Hey, why are you crying?"

 

"Temperance in the hospital... she's my friend, and... well, it brings up some bad, bad memories from last year."

 

"Memories of what?"

 

[Jjs: When I riffed this last year.]

 

"My boyfriend, Trey," Anna said. "I've told you about him."

 

"Yes, you have," said Molly. "He was killed." 

 

At the word 'killed' Anna cried more violently.

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, that guy. I keep forgetting Trey existed. Anna cried more about juvie and Dora than Trey, that I seriously forgot.]

[box: He was killed? Oh. Well, this is a teen soap paradise, everyone dies eventually.]

 

"I'm sorry," Molly said.

 

"Make me forget."

 

"Make you forget what?" Molly asked her.

 

[Trophy: This entire spin-off that barely involves SpongeBob.]

 

"Make me forget all about Trey, and that he ever existed. That will make all of this better. Do it, just like you made my mother forget that you're the Morrigan."

 

[Jjs: ...What? Two things wrong here:

 

1) You can wish you'd forget a loved one? Yeah, great lesson, 70s...

2) You mean Morrigans have mind wiping powers now? BULL. SHIT. Critical Research Failure Police!]

[Critical Research Failure Officer: This guy needs to stop believing Ask.com.]

 

"Are you sure?" Molly asked, arching an eyebrow.

 

"Positive," said Anna. "Just do it."

 

Molly took a deep breath and said, "Okay."

 

"Thank you." Anna wiped the tears from her face.

 

Molly walked towards Anna, and placed her fins on opposite sides of her head. She concentrated, and Anna fell, unconscious on her bed.

 

[box: .. she died, too?]

 

For a while, Molly sat on the bed with Anna's unconscious body. She hoped that Helen did not come in the room and see her daughter lying there.

 

[Jjs: "Girls, please don't reenact 2 Girls 1 Cup."]

 

~~~

 

Bryan was lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. How could this happen? Temperance... in a coma. It didn't seem possible. He didn't like that he was still madly in love with her after her personality went south, but he was still completely, head-over-heels in love with her -- and she might die. She might already be dead.

 

[Jjs: THE DREADED DASH AND ELLIPSES DISEASE STRIKES YET AGAIN! We're gonna need airborne cure-then again, I'd be fine with these characters suffering.]

 

He walked downstairs, wanting to think of less depressing things. He had the house all to himself. That was a good thing. He sat down and watched TV. After a while, the doorbell rang. He got up to find Jackie.

 

[box: Bryan found Jackie! He put Jackie in the Items Pocket.]

 

"Oh, hey Jackie."

 

"Hi Bryan," Jackie said. "You're not Jake. Why are you crying?"

 

[Trophy: The whole guys don't cry thing is brought up. HEY, THERE'S "BOYS WHO CRY" FOR A REASON MISSY! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aC1OWgCeHgA ]

 

"Just Temperance..." Bryan said, wiping off the tears. "So what do you need?"

 

"I was coming over to pick up the last of my stuff... since Jake and Morgan are moving in together." She said 'moving in together' unpleasantly, like it pained her to say it.

 

[Jjs: Then why did you break up with him? I'm getting really tired of Jackie's bipolar attitude.]

 

"Oh," said Bryan. "Sorry about that. I know you guys didn't end things in the best way."

 

"It's okay," Jackie said.

 

"Good, good," Bryan said. "Well, let's get upstairs and you can get your stuff."

 

"I'd like that. Thank you."

 

[box: This sounds like it's going somewhere I don't think anybody will like, or can fathom. Please God no.]

[Trophy: BLAND VOICE ACTING POLICE MUST BE A THING NOW, SO I CALL THEIR POWER!]

[Jjs: Please don't tell me this means Bryan x Jackie is happening...please don't...]

 

~~~

 

Brenda and Mikayla were in Temperance's room at the hospital. Suddenly, a nurse walked in.

 

"Hello," the nurse said. "Are you Mrs. Shilling?"

 

[box: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ]

[Jjs: Just when I thought it couldn't get better than Mrs. Shank.]

[Trophy: *hits jjs with a baseball bat* HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!]

 

"Yes, I am," said Brenda.

 

"We have news for you," said the nurse. "About your daughter, Temperance. Simmera, correct?"

 

[Jjs: Looks like we missed the episode where 70s decided "Simmera" was a last name now.]

 

"Yes," Brenda told her. "What is it?"

 

The nurse looked at Mikayla. "It's been requested I say this to just the family."

 

"This is my other daughter," said Brenda. "What's the news?"

 

[box: inb4 she's dead]

[Jjs: She kicked the bucket. She pushed up daisies. She joined the choir invisible. She-]

 

~~~

 

[Jjs: CURSE YOU SQUIGGLY LINES!]

 

Naomi was riddled with guilt. Ever since getting out of rehab, she had been trying to be a good fish. She did community service, she had a good relationship with her mother, she was comforting to her friends. All but one friend: Temperance. She was a bitch to Temperance. And now, because she was a bitch to Temperance, Temperance was in the hospital. She knew she shouldn't blame herself, at least that's what everyone said. But why not? It was her fault.'

 

[Trophy: No, it's 70s fault. DON'T BLAME YOUR OWN ACTIONS ON YOUR STORY BASED ON CHARACTERS TURNING SIDES!]

 

She stood up. Veera looked at her and said, "What are you doing?"

 

"Leaving."

 

"Where are you going?"

 

"Out." And Naomi grabbed her keys and stormed out.

 

"Yay," said Veera. "Fun. Back to that Naomi."

 

[Jjs: You mean the Bitch Naomi? Great, just great.]

[box: Definitely worth it's own scene.]

 

~~~

 

Bryan and Jackie were rummaging around Jake's room for the remainder of her things.

 

"So... how's living with your mom?" Bryan asked her.

 

"It's gone surprisingly well," she said with a grin. "Did you notice that you and I don't talk much?"

 

[Trophy: Yes, now, WHO GIVES A DAMN POLICE!]

[WGAD Police Chief: Sorry boy, but we're still retired. Also, why are we purple this time?]

[Jjs: More scary wide grin imagery, thank goodness Wumbo isn't riffing.]

 

"We talked when we planned on singing 'Somebody to Love' together," said Bryan. "And we've talked plenty before that."

 

"It's just... I was your best friend's -- practically your brother's -- girlfriend. I'm the mother of his baby. You'd think you and me would be close."

 

[Jjs: More dashes...oh no..wait, please don't tell me...]

 

"I guess we've just never interacted much. Don't know why."

 

[Jjs: NO NO PLEASE DON'T...PLEASE DON'T....DON'T DO A JACKIE AND BRYAN PAIRING...]

 

"Hmm," Jackie said. She changed the subject. "Doesn't it totally suck being the only single ones in the group? Besides..."

 

[Jjs: PLEASE, DON'T! I'LL DO ANYTHING! I'LL STOP RIFFING IF I HAVE TO!]

 

"Temperance..." said Bryan. "Yeah, it's weird."

 

"Listen, I'm sorry about Temperance," Jackie said to him. "I know how you feel about her."

 

"It's okay," said Bryan. "Trust me. It is."

 

[Jjs: PLEASE STOP...DON'T....DON'T YOU DO IT MAN...]

 

"I want to believe you..." said Jackie. "But it just doesn't sound like you're okay." She stood up, and walked towards him. She discovered he was lightly sobbing. "Oh, Bryan."

 

[box: Shit, shit, I knew it, I knew it, hide the children, oh God, I don't think anyone reading this'll survive it.]

 

"It's fine," he told her.

 

"No..." she said, "it's not."

 

She started feeling drawn to him. Being this close to him made her realize how very attractive he was.

 

[Jjs: *sigh* It's going to happen isn't it. I can't fight it anymore, can I?]

[Trophy: You had to jinx it for us, didn't you J-Man?]

 

Bryan was noticing the same thing. Being this close to Jackie made him realize that even after popping out a child, she was smoking hot. Suddenly there was this electricity between them.

 

Their lips pressed against each other. Soon they were passionately kissing, and taking off each other's clothes. When Bryan was down to just his boxers and she was down to only her bra and panties, Jackie said, "We're not going any farther without a condom. "I'm not making the same mistake twice."

 

[Jjs:  ]

 

Bryan got his wallet out of his pants and took out a condom. "I always keep it with me... just in case."

 

[box: In case of emergencies.]

[Trophy:  ]

 

And they started kissing again, Bryan unwrapping the condom while they did so.

 

[box: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants! *sobs uncontrollably*!]

[Jjs: YOU DID IT! YOU ACTUALLY DID IT! HOLY SHIT, CLAPPY CALLED IT! WOW 70S, YOU ARE A MAN OF PREDICTABILITY! YOU COULD NOT MAKE A MORE FORCED PAIRING! HALLELUJAH, GIVE THIS MAN ALL THE SMOOTHIES! Seriously though, can we go to the next scene? It beats 70s' awkward porn scenes.]

[Trophy: *spits all smoothies on Jake's face* Oh hey 70s, we forgot yours.]

[70s: I hate you all. *leaves to Glee Forums to see final season was cut down* FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-]

 

~~~

 

[Jjs: THANK YOU SQUIGGLY LINES!]

[box: I've never enjoyed seeing a ~~~ more.]

 

Molly sat down, waiting for Anna to wake up. She wondered if she could speed up the process. She teleported home, got her grimoire (spellbook) from the coffee table, and started to look for a way to speed up Anna's recovery from her memory wipe. She eventually found a spell, and started speaking rapid Latin.

 

[Jjs: Spellbooks now? I thought Molly had every pulled out of 70s' ass power imaginable, why would she need a spellbook?]

[Trophy: And why speak RAPID Latin? Is that a new language that I missed out on? I NEED TO KNOW MAN, JUST HIT ME WITH THE KNOWLEDGE!]

 

Anna sprung up immediately. "Wow. Must have dozed off."

 

"Hey, how's Trey doing?" Molly asked, testing if her memory wipe worked.

 

"Who's Trey?"

 

[Trophy: ...I hate you so much right now that I can't explain it. Well EXPOSITION/PADDING POLICE!

]

[Jjs: And this rendered most of Season 1's story completely useless now. Who gives a barnacle about Trey now if Anna was just going to eventually forget he existed? Great storytelling.]

 

Molly felt triumphant now. "No one."

 

"Oh... okay," Anna said. "What do you want to do today?"

 

[Phineas: Hey Ferb, what do you want to do today?]

[Ferb: Read a shitty spin-off?]

[Phineas: You bet!]

 

~~~

 

Jake, Morgan, Seth, and Heather continue packing Morgan's things up in silence. Seth is annoyed by this silence.

 

[box: He's the god of chaos, naturally he's bored as crap.]

 

"So..." he says.

 

"Morgan, I don't want to be rude..." said Heather, "but why are you leaving? Really, is it me? Is it my fault? Am I a bad mother?"

 

[Jjs: You're Heather. You belong with Alejandro, not this man-whore!]

[Trophy: Or a rapper, or a future The Room character found out later in the series.

Spoiler

]

 

"No," Morgan said. "You're really not. In fact, I'm pretty much fine with you and Seth. Sure, it took some getting used to, but it's okay. Really, it is."

 

[Jjs: "Really, you are a bad mother."]

 

"Then why are you moving in with Jake?"

 

"I love him, Mom," Morgan said.

 

"You loved him at the beginning of last year, too! Look what happened, then. You two broke up on the beach, he got a girl pregnant, then you got back together!"

 

[box: Why does this town seem to attract the worst of shit all the time?]

 

"I'm right here..." said Jake.

 

[Jjs: Yes. Yes you are. Sadly.]

[Trophy: Sadly not Squidward. Wait, that's good, now he doesn't have to suffer too!]

 

"We've both changed," Morgan said. "We've grown. We're more mature."

 

[box: Hey, can you help me hold all of these LIES?]

 

"Well... I will agree with you there," said Heather. "You never would have gone to live with a boy a year and a half ago. Things must have changed. You are growing up."

 

"You really think so?" Morgan asked.

 

[Jjs: *rereads Season 2* ...Nah.]

 

"I do," said Heather. "Maybe it's time I let you spread your wings and just fly from the nest."

 

[Jjs: And then she was eaten by a bigger bird, thus a bitter end to the food chain.]

 

"Really?" Morgan said, shaking with sheer joy and excitement. "I was already going to leave, but it means a lot to have your blessing."

 

"Really."

 

"Oh, Mom!" Morgan said, and ran to her mother and hugged her. "I love you. I'm going to miss you."

 

"I love you too, babe," said Heather. "And it's no big deal. You're not moving very far away. Bikini Top is a small place."

 

[box: If I were her, I'd have tried to get the hell out of this town a long time ago. Bikini Top, though? Really?]

[Jjs: Hey, family bonding! Too bad I still can't care, but I guess this felt more believable than 70s' other over the top "heartwarming" scenes.]

 

"Yeah, it is," Morgan said, and smiled a large smile. But then she realized... she shouldn't be smiling. Her friend was dying. She should be sad. She was sad, in fact, but she couldn't help but be happy that everything was going well with her family. She wondered if everyone should go see Temperance. Perhaps they could all go tomorrow, when she would be settled into Jake's house.

 

[Jjs: Pssh who cares, MOVING OUT, FUCK YEAH!]

 

~~~

 

("A Bad Dream" by Keane ( 

) plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: What I wish this spin-off was.]

[box: Same here jjs, same here...]

 

"Your daughter..." the nurse began, then stopped, struggling to find the right words.

 

[Jjs: It took her that long to think of an answer?]

 

Brenda and Mikayla both exchanged worried looks.

 

The nurse sighed. Mikayla and Brenda took this as a very, very bad sign. "There's nothing we can do. I'm sorry."

 

[box: That's one less crappy name off the paper. *crosses out*.]

[Jjs: Don't cross her off yet, 70s will probably reveal she's alive 5 episodes later through some lame twist.]

 

"What?" Brenda said loudly. "What do you mean, there's nothing you can do!?"

 

[Trophy: Do you need a fishtionary now? OH MY GOD, WHY AM I BECOMING 70S JR.?]

[Jjs: It means...there's nothing they can do?]

 

"I apologize," the nurse said, genuine sincerity in her voice. Brenda and Mikayla were both too upset to detect that sincerity. "We've done all we can... the damage done is much too severe to operate on, and even if we tried to operate, she's much too fragile, and would die during the operation. I know this is difficult to hear, but I don't want to give you any false hope."

 

[Trophy: IT WAS JUST A MINOR CAR CRASH! DO YOU KNOW THE DEFINITION OF... Oh forget it, I'm skipping this.]

[Jjs: To be fair Trophy, a car crash into a tree can be unfortunately severe. Of course, 70s is so vague, so we have no idea if she wore a seatbelt or not.]

 

"False hope?" Mikayla yelled. "That's the biggest load of crap I've heard in my life! There's no such thing as false hope! Just HOPE! Hope is what we need to live, day by day. We live in a world that's full of imperfection, and we need hope to live in this world."

 

[box: Ouch, that was so edgy, I need to get a band-aid, ooh.]

 

"I'm sorry," the nurse said. "I assume she'll live for the rest of today, if you're lucky." She walked out of the hospital room.

 

[Jjs: So...70s actually killed Temperance off. For good? What do you guys think?:

 

A) She'll come back through the powers of an M. Night twist

She'll stay dead but be reborn

C) She'll turn into a vampire

D) 70s finally seriously had the balls to kill her off.

 

Take your pick.]

[box: I pick E, all of the above.]

 

Brenda and Mikayla cried like they had never cried before. They embraced each other, sobbing uncontrollably. This wasn't allowed to happen. It simply couldn't. After they had been crying for a while, Naomi walked in.

 

"I'm here to visit Temperance..." Naomi said. "Is it a bad time?"

 

[Jjs: Nah, they are just crying over some spilt milk.]

 

"You bet your ass it's a bad time!" Mikayla screamed, possessed by pure rage. "There's nothing the doctors can do for her. She's practically already dead, and it's all your fault, YOU BITCH! So how about you do the world a favor and just get the fuck out! Better yet, you go crash your boatmobile into a tree and die."

 

Naomi ran out of the hospital room, crying.

 

[Jjs: thank you have a nice day]

 

~~~

 

("Begin Again" by Colbie Caillat ( 

) plays throughout the scene)

 

Jackie is taking a shower while Bryan is washing his bed-spread, since he thinks they smell like sex, and no one can no that he and Jackie had sex.

 

[box: If my face could be described right now, I would in full detail, because holy god this is priceless.]

[Trophy: I'm skipping this one too.]

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: no one can know]

[Jjs: Also, Sex is a smell now?]

 

Passionate, lustful, amazing sex, at that. Jackie had said Jake was his brother, and she was correct in saying so. He had had sex with his brother's girlfriend. The mother of his brother's child... which meant he had slept with his niece's mother... somewhat his sister-in-law. Gross.

 

[box: Looks like they had to BRING IT AROUND TOWN in this situation. Get it because SpongeBob and there's none of it here.]

[Jjs: Haha, nice try, but nope. Bryan was ADOPTED by Tori and Larry, that doesn't mean they are blood related. I suppose to an extent it could be considered incest, but it isn't blood related. Bad attempt at trying to be edgy, pal.]

 

He wanted what he did to be right, and to be good, but that didn't change the fact that it wasn't. He and Jackie had had sex just to do it, and that was wrong. They did it for shallow reasons... they weren't in love. They were close friends, and that was the extent of their relationship. He continued trying to wash the scent of sex from his sheets and comforter, hoping that Jake would never, ever know what they did.

 

[Jjs: I wanna know what this "sex smell" smells like.]

 

Jackie walked down, covered in only a towel. "Hey," she said.

 

"I don't think it's appropriate for you to be dressed that way..." Bryan said.

 

"Oh, what's the big deal?" Jackie said. "No one's here. And it's not like you didn't just see me naked. And I just saw you naked... and if I do say so myself, hot damn."

 

[box: brb dying]

 

"Jackie, what we did was wrong."

 

[Jjs: Two season of jex and you finally came to that conclusion?]

 

"No one has to know," Jackie said.

 

"No one will know," said Bryan. "And it stops here. Get dressed and get out. Take your stuff with you."

 

"Fine, fine..."

 

~~~

 

Tori, Mitchell, Zoe, and Zack were at the mall.

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, let's touch on this plot again. Not like it'll go anywhere, calling it now.]

 

Tori, Zoe, and Zack had all become close friends since they had arrived to town, and Mitchell decided to come with them to the mall. Zoe and Zack went to the bathroom, and he wondered if perhaps this was the time to tell Tori what he was... what he had done to Larry as well. She was, after all, his daughter, and he cared about her. She deserved to know the truth. He started to say something, but stopped.

 

"What was that, Dad?" Tori asked.

 

"Oh, nothing dear."

 

[Jjs: Called it. This was beyond...POINT. LESS! PADDING POLICE! Honestly, you could remove this entire scene from the episode and nothing would change.]

[box: Oh my God. That.. was beautiful.. ly... amazing. Just fantastic. Great scene. Made the show. Hold on while I steam my tears.]

 

~~~

 

Mikayla is sleeping on the couch in Temperance's hospital room while Brenda calls Tristan and notifies him they will be staying the night at the hospital.

 

[box: Holy run-on sentence, Batman!]

 

"Okay," he said. "I'm so sorry about Temperance."

 

"Me too." She hung up. She had one thing to be thankful for: Temperance was still alive. The nurse had said they would be lucky if Temperance lived the rest of the day.

 

[Jjs: So she's alive, but she's going to die anyways? What was the point of that overdramatic tension then?]

 

~~~

 

("Amen Omen" by Ben Harper ( 

) plays throughout the scene)

 

Bryan, Jake, and Morgan were standing outside of the hospital the next day, waiting for the rest of their friends to arrive. Eventually, the entire group (along with Trevor and Charlea) arrived. Naomi led them to Temperance's room in silence.

 

[Trophy: Now would be a good time for Liam to come along and rape them.]

[Jjs: But Liam doesn't exist anymore Trophy. We need to focus on Temperance's potential death first, ad then come back to Liam 6 episodes later, only for him to be killed by Astenias!]

[box: No Seth? Then again, Heather and him would probably have Jex on Temperance's dead body. What? A little necrophilia wouldn't hurt!]

 

"Hey, you guys..." said Mikayla. She was staring at her sister. "Mom just left. I made her... she hasn't been home in forever. She didn't even eat lunch today."

 

"Ah," said Naomi.

 

"Naomi, I'm sorry for the way I talked to you yesterday," said Mikayla.

 

"It's really no problem. I understand."

 

[Jjs: "Really, I do have a problem."]

 

"Guys, Temperance is going to die," Mikayla told everyone.

 

[Jjs: NO SHIT.]

[box: Wow, that was the most intelligent and important line of this entire spin-off.]

 

"What?" Bryan said in shock.

 

"She's going to die," Mikayla repeated. "The doctors are actually really surprised she's still alive. They can't do anything for her, and they thought she'd be dead by the end of yesterday."

 

[Jjs: So how did she live? PLOT HOLE POLICE!]

[Plot Hole Police Officer: We haven't been called in forever! What took ya so long?]

[Jjs: Eh, the Inconsistency Police kind of took most of your role until now. Sorry, we just didn't really need you.]

[Plot Hole Police Officer: Oh...*walks away crying*]

[Jjs: Hey, get back here! We'll still probably need you! The rest of the riffers can move on, I'll deal with this.]

 

Everyone just started crying, right then and there. They started saying their goodbyes, everyone but Bryan and Naomi.

 

Bryan stared at her. "Temperance..." he said. He continued staring at her. "You don't deserve this. You really don't. I love you, Temperance. You were so... good. So pure. So amazing. You deserve better than to die this early in your life, and I'm sorry it has to be this way. Goodbye. I love you."

 

Bryan left the room so his friends didn't have to see him cry even more than they all were.

 

Naomi was sobbing uncontrollably, letting it all out. "This is my fault. I know it is. I was a total bitch to you... No matter what I said about you, you were a good friend, and you have to know that. Don't go to Heaven thinking I hated you, because you would be wrong. You were one of my best friends, and I'm going to miss you. Bye, Temp."

 

Bryan walked back into the room, Brenda behind him.

 

[Jjs: Wow, I actually didn't have a problem with this portion...]

 

For a while, everyone just sat there and exchanged stories about Temperance. They laughed, they cried, they reflected on her life.

 

[Jjs: ...up until that half-assed sentence at the end, but I'll forgive it.]

 

Eventually, everyone but Mikayla, Brenda, Bryan, and Naomi were there. They all could not will themselves to leave.

 

[box: Judging by the ~~~ below me, looks like they did.]

 

~~~

 

("Under My Bed" by Meiko ( 

) plays throughout the scene)

 

[Trophy: No end montage, just a scene? Boo!]

 

Tristan drives to the hospital with Alex and joins his family.

 

[Jjs: It's too bad Alex is nothing but just a name, or she'd have more of a reaction to her sister's possible death.]

 

He decides he has to say his goodbye to his step-daughter. He stops on the way, realizing he forgot her rosary beads. He drives straight home and grabs them, and drives back to the hospital. He runs to her hospital room, rosary beads in his pocket, Alex in her stroller. He busts into the hospital room, glad to see that Temperance's heart is still beating... slowly, but beating nonetheless. He slips the rosary beads into her fin.

 

[box: Thank you 70s for that multi-step process.]

 

"Glad you finally came," Brenda said, and she rested her head on his shoulder. "I know it wasn't easy."

 

"It wasn't," he said.

 

And so while Alex was sleeping, Brenda, Mikayla, and Tristan just watched Temperance in her final hours. Suddenly, her heart stopped. They were all crying.

 

[box: Oh....well...RIP Temperance. *crosses her name off the list again*]

 

The nurse came in and apologized for their loss, and said she wondered how Temperance had remained alive for as long as she had.

 

"Because," said Mikayla, "she was waiting for everyone to say goodbye."

 

[Jjs: ...70s actually did it. He actually killed her off. Wow.

 

Or will this be another Brian Griffin? You decide.]

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP

"We R Who We R" by Ke$ha

"Everybody Hurts" by REM

"A Bad Dream" by Keane

"Begin Again" by Colbie Caillait

"Amen Omen" by Ben Harper

"Under My Bed" by Meiko

 

[box: More songs I can never listen to thanks to this fanfic. Great job, by the way.]

 

---

 

Reviews appreciated, as always. 

 

I know it was short-ish, but I felt like this was an episode that needed to be short. And it's not like nothing happened. 

 

[box: For a "short-ish" episode, I still cried and left as much of an imprint on my desk as any other. Good job.]

[Jjs: Not one of the worst episodes, I actually didn't mind this one that much. Sure, it had some stupid stuff as usual, but it was a lot more tolerable than 70s other drama attempts this season. Still not great by any means though. Oh, and RIP Temperance...maybe for good....ehh, probably not, it is 70s. We'll see next time folks.]

[Trophy: What was that mess?]