Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 1

 

15. Demon

Spoiler

15. Demon 

[Metal Snake: DON’T GET TOO CLOSE, IT’S DARK IN-Nope.]
[sOF: Good thing Clappy isn't riffing this, or there would be blood.]

 

We cut back to Massan's house.

 

[Metal Snake: The camera moves to Massan’s house.]

"What do you want with me, Massan?" asked Avatardude.

"I need your help, since you are the most intelligent person around these parts," said Massan.

[Metal Snake: According to what? The results of an IQ test everyone had to take offscreen?]
[sOF: Yeah, help the guy who ordered his knight to kidnap you. I'm sure he'll accept the kind offer.]

 

"...With what?" asked a confused Avatardude.

Jss held up a device.

[Metal Snake: Not any specific kind of device, just, you know, a device.]

"This!" he said.

 

[sOF: Dude, put that thing away. There are like, children here!]

"What is it?" asked Avatardude.

"It is a device that will allow me to grab users from websites on the opposite world. We've already grabbed everybody from the SpongeBob Community site," he said.

 

[sOF: Is it a plot device?]
[Metal Snake: Cool story, bro. My favorite part was when you described exactly what this device was. Because if you hadn’t, I probably would’ve guessed that it was some kind of claw or hand you used on the users to fuel your groping fetish.]

"No! I won't help you with such an awful thing! Why can't you leave those people from the other world alone? They don't belong here."

"It was all requested from my master," Massan said. "I just do what I do."

[Metal Snake: Yeah, I just do whatever I’m told to do because like, I don’t care about nothing man.]
[sOF: So if your master told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?]

 

"I still refuse to help upgrade your machines! You are a demon!" he said.

 

[sOF: Aha, there it is folks, he said the episode title!]

Jss appeared behind Avatardude with an electric whip around the chair.

[Metal Snake: Lol at these descriptions. He appeared out of nowhere behind him with a whip around...the chair? What, does he have a grudge against the chair for getting in his way while he was walking through the room one day, or something?]

[sOF: Why does a knight need a whip anyways? An electric sword would be cooler.]

Avatardude got shocked.
 

[sOF: Avatardude is paralyzed! He cannot move!]
[Metal Snake: Oh, I see now that he was trying to shock Avatardude. By the way, I’d also like to point out that it was never established beforehand that Avatar was sitting in a chair, so trying to defend that vague description by saying that he was trying to wrap the whip around Avatar along with the chair or something is a pointless effort.]

"You don't really have a choice here my friend. It is either help me or suffer a shocking death," said Massan.

[Metal Snake: OH, THE PUNS! ...Even though that wordplay joke (I would think) didn’t make a whole lot of sense. What’s so shocking about him being shocked to death with a weapon that has an elemental affinity for electricity?]

He still got shocked, but tried to take in the pain.

"Fine-I-I'll do it!" said Avatardude. Jss let go of the whip.

[Metal Snake: The torture will stop as promised. But in exchange, the girl’s life is mine…]

He rubbed his arms from the electric burns.

[Metal Snake: Ha ha, rubbed his arms from the burns. Yeah, that’s great advice kids if you ever get a first-degree burn. Rub it! And while you’re at it, put some of your spit on it too and start scratching it! ]

"I thought you'd say that," said Massan as he smiled.

Meanwhile, we cut back to AvatarBuddy Mania..

 

[sOF: All of this cutting back and forth is eventually going to give me a paper cut.]

 

"Okay, is this good enough of a suit to impersonate Avatardude?" asked 70s.

[Metal Snake: You can totally impersonate someone just by going around wearing their clothes!]

"Looks legit to me," said Elastic.

[Metal Snake: Yeah, you look similar to him from behind. All you need now is your Avatardude mask!]
[sOF: Don't forget your Avatardude shoes and tie, sold at your local Impostor Store for only $9.99!]

 

"Don't worry about right or wrong answers, they are just about your forum." AOF said.

[Metal Snake: ...What?]

"But I don't know anything about this site either.." 70s said.

"But the people who work for IPmotion don't know anything about your board either," said AOF.

[Metal Snake: Um…]

"True, I guess. But these people could ask stuff about IPmotion that I have no idea about," said 70s.

 

[sOF: Remember, when in doubt, say "NAKED GRANDMA!" and scram.]

"Try your best. I doubt they'd shut down the site for a flawed answer," said Elastic.

 

[sOF: Even if he fails the interview, embarrasses the website, ruins avatardude's reputation, at least he tried!]

"You mean the guy who was jjs' opposite? No idea, but I hope your Admin is okay," said 70s.

[Metal Snake: Am I the only one having a hard time understanding this part of the story from this conversation? 70s is trying to disguise himself as Avatardude...to pose as him for a meeting? Four reasons why this part feels so disjointed…

1. The lack of build-up. There is none in this chapter and the only build-up I saw in chapter 14 was something about Avatardude missing an important meeting, and 70s and crew feeling sorry for the AvatarBuddyMania site. That’s it…

2. If 70s is not Avatardude’s opposite, how can he go around masquerading as Avatar just by wearing his uniform (that is what the suit is...RIGHT?)?

3. If 70s goes to this IMPORTANT meeting having no idea what the hell he’s talking about...wouldn’t that ruin Avatar’s reputation and make things WORSE for ABM than if he didn’t show up at all?

4. Big surprise here, THIS CONVERSATION. The interview is about 70s’ forum...but he doesn’t know anything...but the people interviewing him know nothing about his forum...so they expect him to know about IPmotion...because of the guy who was jjs’ opposite. It’s so jumbled and inconsistent! This part of the story would actually make MORE sense if this dialogue was omitted!]
[sOF: You're not the only one Metal Snake. Sorry jjs, but this dialogue feels very sloppy. I'm not even sure why 70s brought up Jss either, because Elastic didn't say anything about Jss. It seems like jjs forgot to put a line in.]

"But why do I have to do this anyways if we won't get shut down for wrong answers?"

[Metal Snake: Wow, I’m not the only one. Even 70s doesn’t really get what’s going on here. Too bad he also doesn’t really know what’s he talking about. “Why do I have to do this task if there’s no chance of me failing at it?” Lol, wut? Imagine him as a secret agent on a stealth mission…

Sergeant: Listen up, Agent 70s! Your mission is to infiltrate the enemy base and recover the hostages undetected. Our team of scientists have calculated the success rate of this mission to be 100%.
70s: Wait, if I can’t fail the mission, why do I have to rescue the hostages?
Sergeant: …]

"You still wouldn't want to humiliate yourself in front of important people, would you?" said Elastic.

"True," said 70s.

 

[sOF: Uh, there's a lot wrong with this scenario, in addition to what MS already said. First off, shouldn't they be worried about Avatardude as it is, instead of doing some silly interview? I know this is continuing the previous episode's events, but it doesn't seem like anybody is bothered to search for him. I wouldn't leave him alone with some psychopathic knight and then try to impersonate him Second, can't another staff member on ABM (if any) do the interview instead anyways? I doubt it's restricted to one person, and I'm sure they won't mind if he can't make it. Finally, assuming no other ABMers are in on the secret, shouldn't some of them be wondering why Avatardude/70s is there if they just saw him kidnapped? Plus, shouldn't the people interviewing him know he's been kidnapped as well, unless news doesn't get around well in this town? I never thought me of all people would be nitpicking this, but the holes are big in this boat.]

[Metal Snake: “I’ll be humiliated even though it’s Avatar’s reputation at stake!” Talk about narcissism…]

"Plus, Avatardude had planned this meeting months ago," AOF explained.

 

"Hopefully he is okay, speaking of which," AOF replied.

 

[sOF: A double post, eh? Good thing Mumbology doesn't care about double posting, then. Nobody even said anything, so the "replied" part doesn't make much sense, unless AOF likes talking to himself.]

 

"Anyways, good luck, gonna make a topic discussing Angelman," said AOF.

[Metal Snake: ...Who? There has been no mention of an “Angelman” thus far in this literature, I checked. Wait, hold on…]

"That must be your opposite of Devilman. Count me in!" Elastic said, as the two went off.

[Metal Snake: Oh, never mind. They were just talking about a little known anime. Don't you just love obscure in-jokes?]
[sOF: So AOF is the only person in the group to care on where Avatardude is, and then goes off to make a topic instead of looking for him. Wow, and here I thought the Bikini Top squad was a terrible bunch of friends.]

 

"A fucking emo kid probably took Avatardude," said a user named Sali.

[shadow the Hedgehog: Damn, what’s with the fucking DAMN language?]

"Okay, because nobody asked for your opinion," said Elastic.

"Whatever," she said as she walked off.

[Metal Snake: ...Since it’s been a while…

 ]

"Sheesh, temper." Elastic said.

 

[Metal Snake: Sheesh, scenes that add nothing to the story.]

[sOF: First we have lines out of nowhere, then forgotten lines, and now a scene that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode. Is this some strange parody of The Room?]

 

Two guys from IPmotion entered in through the site building, which both had black suits.

[Metal Snake: The building had black suits? Did the site building want to dress fancy for his date with the browser skyscraper?]
[sOF: Scratch that, looks like it's a strange parody of The Interview instead. Good thing avatardude got kidnapped now, but poor 70s...]

 

70s/Avatardude shook their hands.

 

[sOF: He shook all of their hands at the same time? Does 70s have four arms now?]

"My name is Kor," said the first man.

[Kor: Like from the Legend of Korra.]

"And my name is Deez," said the other.

[Deez: Like if you tried spelling the “D’s” in Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D’s the COOL way.]

"And I'm Avatardude," said 70s.

[70s: Like a dude from Avatar!]
[Kor & Deez: Really? *chuckling* You don’t look like you’ve been Shamalized. You’d pass better for a Smurf. Ha ha ha!]
[70s: Oh great…]
["Avatardude": I should be kidnapped right now, but apparently the news folk have gotten lazy, so hey, what's up?]

"So Question 1: Do you think your forum is doing great user-wise?" asked Kor.

"Oh yes, this site has over 2,000 members! Pretty impressive if you ask me," said 70s.

[Metal Snake: A small site with a population of 2,000.]

"Indeed, and you have had over 103 posts today, which is also impressive," said Deez.

[Metal Snake: Wait, he keeps track of how many posts are made on the site...AND NEEDS TO BE REMINDED OF HOW MANY MEMBERS ARE ON THERE?!]
[sOF: 2,000 members and only 103 posts? Something about this isn't adding up...]

"Question 2: Do you like our hosting service?" asked Deez.

[Metal Snake: We aim to please.]
[Deez: "Don't worry about saying no!" but if you do we will kill you.]

"Oh yes, it has way more features than another hosting site I run," said 70s.

 

"What is the name of it?" asked Deez.

"It is a bit of a private forum, I uh, use it for testing purposes!" said 70s as he started making stuff up, but it was believable.

[Metal Snake: It was believable that 70s started making stuff up…

*sigh* Give it up story, I’m not going to make a mean-spirited Past!70s joke. >.>]

"Ah, okay, I understand," said Deez.

A minutes later, the interview finished up after 9 questions.

[Metal Snake: Nine questions? That’s only a half longer than SOF’s interview of Sabre! What kind of important business summit is this?! I wonder now if the seven questions we didn’t see consisted of Deez asking 70s what his favorite threads and forum topics were…]
[sOF: Those seven questions must have been yes or no then if they could have been done one minute. I can tell this was definitely an interview "planned months ago".]

"Thank you for your time, Mr. Avatardude," said Deez. "Excellent forum from what I've heard," said Kor as both of them left off.

[Metal Snake: From where we last left off, Deez and Kor were being polite to 70s. Do they truly want to strike up a friendship with him, or is it all a facade? Let’s find out…]
[sOF: I still think they're planning to assassinate him.]

"We'll also recommend it to our users at our support forum," said the two as they walked off.

"Oh thank god that is over," said 70s as he took off the costume.

[Kor: Oh crap, I forgot my suitcase. *walks back into the room and sees 70s* Wha-MOTHERFUCKER!]
[sOF: What, no assassination? I am disappointed.]

"Well, you spared Avatardude some trouble," said Elastic.

"Now...where is he? Where did Jss take him?" asked AOF. The 3 began pondering.

 

[Metal Snake: And THEN they start worrying about where he is? They finally start showing true concern for his safety AFTER they do his chores for him?! Prioritize, dammit!]
[sOF: 

]

 

We cut back to Massan's hideout:

 

[sOF: And I think I got a paper cut now...]

"Thank you for upgrading the two machines," said Massan. "I knew you were smart enough. Now we can break into TV.com's firewall, SpongeBuddy Mania's and even Eurobricks'!" said Massan.

[sOF: Why does jjs keep mentioning Eurobricks? It's an obscure site I doubt anyone here has been to, so unless we had some previous relationship with them I'm not aware of, this just feels out of place.]

 

"Now, can I finally leave. I have a meeting to get to," said Avatardude as he walked up.

[Metal Snake: “I REALLY need to remind Deez about the member count again…”]
[sOF: I REALLY need to finish my riff now.]

 

"No no no no! Not so fast there," said Massan.

"I thought you said I could go if I helped you?"

"Now now, I never said that...let's be honest here," he said.

[Metal Snake: “There was a cookie missing from the jar today, did you take it?”]

"Okay, fine. But why do you want me on ho-"

 

[sOF: I am curious as to what he was going to say. Was it "on hoes"? Do Massan and Jss run a strip club?]

Just then, Massan jabbed the electric whip through his stomach.

 

[sOF: Ha, I called it!]

[Metal Snake: Wow. That is one of the lulziest descriptions I have ever read in anything ever. He JABBED a whip...through his STOMACH?! You LASH, CRACK, or SWING a whip, you don’t JAB it! A jab is a poke or a type of punch! Also, he put a WHIP through his stomach?! Not a sword...not a knife...not a spear...not even concentrated electricity shooting FROM the whip...but a whip. Just...wow.]

 

He dropped to the ground, and Massan smiled.

[Metal Snake: I guess he must love messing with logic. This was a weird chapter…]

[sOF: Another cliffhanger, eh? This episode was kind of awkward, but still wondering to see where this goes next. I'm still onto those bastards Kor & Deez, though...]

[MMM]

You're getting these out pretty fast.

 

Not like i'm complaing

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 1

16. Professor Stubborn

Spoiler

16. Professor Stubborn

[OMJ: Mrs. Dr. Professor Stubborn, I presume?]

[Hayden: This title was stolen from an episode of Dragon Booster and is liable to copyright infringement.]

We see Massan staring at the dead body of Avatardude.

[Hayden:  ]

[OMJ: Just fuck it already, it's not like you haven't fucked logic yet.]

"He'll rest in piece," said Jss.

[Trophy: Wouldn't you want him to suffer and not rest in piece?]

[OMJ: At least they didn't dismember the corpse before fucking it.]

[Hayden: Was that a spelling error or a cruel pun?]

"Indeed. But first, I need you to do me a little favor, Jss..." Massan said.

[Trophy: Oh no, not this, ANYTHING BUT THIS]

[OMJ: *wink wink fart fart*]

[Hayden: Sociopaths need to release their tension too you guys.]

We see hilaryfan80 and Face arrive in the Opposite world.

[Trophy: AHHH IT'S WORSE THAN I IMAGINED!]

[OMJ: Well there goes our second line of defense against Blubber. After me, of course.]

[Hayden: Holy shit, is that a character I recognize?]

"Where on earth are we? o.o" asked hilaryfan80.

[Trophy: If I told you I'd have to kill you. Smiley count: 3 (Does this hilaryfan80 count as different than the other ATTWL one, that is.)]

[hilaryfan80: Face, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.]

[Hayden: Does the internet still count as Earth if you're being sucked from a forum into an opposite world that is also presumably virtual? Second of all, WHEN IS A CHARACTER GOING TO GET A MORE UNIQUE OPENING THAN ASKING WHERE THEY ARE?]

"I...don't know," Face replied. They then see the others.

[OMJ: Well isn't that convenient? Or "lucky" as this story puts it.]

[Hayden: How about we just have everybody appear together in a confined room at once instead of these forced as fuck entrances occurring over the span of several chapters for no reason?]

"Hey 70s and the others! Yeah um, where the fuck are we?" asked hilaryfan80.

[Trophy: I already pulled that video earlier this series so just insert highway to hell here viewers.]

[Hayden:

 ]

"As crazy as this sounds, you are in an opposite world," said 70s.

[OMJ: Almost as crazy as 70's wife being okay with him getting a blowjob from his co-worker.]

"Hey guys, I have some news," said Hassan. "Every SBC user is in the opposite world now, at least the active ones."

[Trophy: Every =/= active.]

[Hayden: So does that mean we're done or are the inactive ones suddenly going to pop up too just to create more filler time in the back half of this season?]

"Damn," said Ex.

[OMJ: Damn, that is a lot of active users, if only crushing were around then.]

"So....did you find a way for us to get back to our world?" asked tvguy.

"And what the FUCK happened to OMJ?" asked Elastic.

[OMJ: THANK YOU!]

[Hayden: Oh right, that clearly hasn't been ignored for long enough.]

"1. No, I am afraid. 2. No clue," replied Hassan.

[OMJ: For the smart guy of the bunch, you sure don't have all the answers. I'm sure hilaryfan80 would. He just arrived from our world, after all.]

[Hayden: In a world where gold fuels time travel there have to be more ridiculous solutions that Hassan can make up out of thin air.]

"Fuck, we are going to be stuck here forever..." said tvguy.

[OMJ: But let's look on the bright side, no Spin-Off Action.]

"Hold on....I did more scanning to the area and it seems there is a temple nearby." Hassan said.

[Trophy: WHERE DO YOU GET THESE MACHINES? IF THIS IS AN OPPOSITE WORLD SHOULD THEY NOT EXIST? ASS PULL POLICE!]

[OMJ: Scanned it with what? Your ass? A lot of your answers seem to come spouting out if it, that's for sure.]

[Hayden: THERE WE GO.]

"A temple? Could it be the Mysterious Temple?" asked 80s.

"What the what?" asked Dragiiin.

[OMJ: The Legend of the Mysterious Temple is a story passed down from generation to generation, from as far back as the 30s and 20s before him. And our own 80s is now the keeper of the tale.]

[Hayden: The legend of plot devices. Then again if this goes nowhere like last time can it even be considered a device of plot?]

"The Mysterious Temple is a temple that none of us have ever visited..it is in the outskirts of the jungle." 80s said.

[Trophy: So the jungle is basically an aquarium?]

[80s: It was so mysterious that everyone DIED. The end.]

[OMJ: If only that was how this story ended.]

[Hayden: You know where it is but no one has thought to get to the bottom of it? Get off your lazy duffs already, you are the opposite versions of SBCers after all.]

"Well, I am picking up a very powerful source from it that could help us get back to the real world," said Hassan.

[OMJ: Those are some strong glutes you got there, Hassan.]

[Trophy: With what, your pinky toe?]

[Hayden: What is it this time? Silver?  ]

 

"I'll volunteer to go!" said SpongeOddFan.

"Sorry SOF, but this could be dangerous," said jjs.

[Trophy: Because Canadians can only wield hockey sticks in non-violent situations of course.]

[OMJ: Yeah, Jjs won't be volunteering to hold your hand the entire way there.]

"Holy fuck, when did jjs get here?" asked Dragiiin.

[OMJ: That is a legitimately good question.]

[Trophy: I agree, now this means he forces himself into the plot like SOF did in ATTWL 3? Do I need a police for THIS situation as well, because I'm losing track of all of them honestly.]

"I've been here, I mean all SBC users are here now..."

[OMJ: And that is a legitimately bad answer.]

[Hayden: His writing is so sloppy he can't even write a good entrance for himself.]

"Ah." Dragiiin said.

[OMJ: Are you sure it wasn't Jjs that said that?]

"So, who is going to go to the temple with me?" asked Hassan.

"I'll go," said hilaryfan80.

"Same here," said Face. "We should thank you guys for making us GFXs on SBC," said Face.

[Trophy: said Face. really likes to talk doesn't he? Then again I never did meet him, so go ahead.]

[OMJ: That's an odd way of phrasing that, but whatever gives you more risks for your rewards.]

"Alright, let's get going," said Massan.

[OMJ: Did this story lose me that much or did Jjs really wrote in the wrong character there?]

[Hayden: Massan switched sides! Story over.]

"Wait!" said 80s' wife. "People who claimed to have explored the temple said that there were a ton of traps," she said.

[Trophy: Shouldn't they be dead? PLOT HOLE POLICE A-FREAKIN-GAIN!]

[OMJ: So Spongebobiscool is the architect of this temple? Do the traps involve whoever's unfortunate (or stupid) enough to go there singing for their lives, by any chance?]

"Alright, we'll keep that in mind. We'll be careful," said Hassan as the three walked away.

[Hassan: I'll make sure to scan the place with my ass twice more, just in case.]

"And don't vanish like OMJ did," said Elastic.

[OMJ: Get off my leg, will ya.]

"Yeah, what did happen to OMJ?" asked Wumbo.

[Trophy: I was wondering what happened to Wumbo honestly.]

"No clue Wumbo since I wasn't there, but this is getting all mysterious," said Clappy.

[OMJ: Oh hey, Clappy! Didn't know you were there.]

[Hayden: Well there is a mysterious temple, captain obvious.]

A few hours later, we see Hassan, hilaryfan80 and Face arrive.

[OMJ: ...Where exactly?]

[Hayden: Again, why did so few take on the quest? It's basically our "hero" and wizkid Hassan and two people who just got there.]

"Gah, I hate walking," said hilaryfan80.

[hilaryfan80: I'd much rather be coding.]

"Well, stop being so stubborn, because you are going to have to run in the temple if we do encounter a trap," said Face.

[OMJ: Clever reference to the title there, but running away from a trap and into a temple potentially filled with traps? Not so much.]

[Hayden: hilaryfan80 complaining about a long walk equates to being stubborn?]

We see Jss a top of a cliff near the temple. He laughed.

[OMJ: I would laugh at myself if I was suddenly a top of a cliff too.]

[Hayden: TIME TO EVIL!]

"Massan, come in. I've traced the three to the temple. I overheard them talking about going to it," he said.

"They are at the Mysterious Temple!? NO! They could get back if they used the power source from the treasure..." said Massan. "STOP THEM!" he yelled as he turned off the screen.

[OMJ: Well, we've already had pots of gold. Why the fuck not throw some treasure in there as well.]

[Hayden: Can't he just do the same thing he did before to get them back?]

"Okay then," said Jss as he jumped down in front of the three.

[Jss: I mean, "ARRGH, Captain Massan!"]

[Hayden: Jumping off a cliff with no serious injuries and not choosing to ambush them. Jjs's opposite can defy gravity but can still not use common sense.]

"Gah, it is you again!" said Hassan.

[Trophy: Yes, for like the second time in what I'm sure will definitely be the last so this won't be super cheesy...]

"Who is this punk?" asked hilaryfan80. "And what is with the stupid knight armor?"

"I am a noble warrior who serves under the command of Massan_Najwa. Do not dare insult my armor, peasant or I will slice your head off!" he yelled as he took off his sword.

[Trophy: Is jjs trying to insult himself by making his opposite being cool?]

[OMJ: And by that, he means spreading his internet gonorrhea.]

[Hayden: So this is Jss?:

 ]

"Put it simply, he is a bad guy," said Hassan as he punched him in the gut.

[OMJ: You'd think he'd be smart enough to learn from AOF's mistakes.]

"Hahaha! My armor is so hard that not even lightning could strike though," he said proudly as he tossed Hassan aside near the temple steps.

[Hayden: Lightning begs to differ!

 ]

[Trophy: And I doubt that this is foreshadowing for something very groundbreaking.]

[OMJ: TMI, bro.]

Hassan's machine almost went smashing into the side, but hilaryfan80 grabbed it.

[OMJ: Gotta grab dat ass.]

Jss shocked Face with electric shocks from his hands.

[OMJ: Now that's shocking.]

"Help me, stubborn brother!" yelled Face.

[OMJ: What's up with this whole forced concept of hilaryfan80 being stubborn? Everybody else should be stubborn for not learning to accept the cc.cz move!]

"I am not stubborn!" he yelled.

[He: Who the fuck am I?]

[Hayden: Well are you at least still a professor?]

"You are, you wouldn't even let me give dad his present for his birthday!" said Face.

[OMJ: Moreso being a dick than being straight up stubborn.]

"You two better stop fighting or we will all be killed..." suggested Hassan. "Dodge!" as a fire ball nearly scorched them.

[OMJ: So is Jss a Firebender now or something?]

[Trophy: Great... now that ruined Zuko for me.]

[Hayden: Jss stole avatardude's powers of course.]

"I have all powers known to man!" he said.

[Trophy: THEN INSTA-KILL THEM OR SOMETHING AND TURN ON YOUR BOSS SINCE HE'S SO WEAKER THAN YOU!]

[OMJ: Okay God, then it shouldn't be so hard to smite three lowly SpongeBob forum nerds. Unless, of course, hilaryfan80 has a code for that too.]

"Plan B! Run!" yelled Hassan as the three of them ran to the temple doors.

[OMJ: I've got a better plan B right here: 

 ]

"Face it, you won't get in!" said Jss as he began to launch an electric bolt. 

[Jss: hilaryfan80, you and your Face will definitely NOT get in!]

[Hayden: Tag Face, you're it!]

They dodged and it hit the lock of the doors, opening the gates.

[Trophy: Wait if he has every power, can't he freeze time so they can't dodge him... oh god, I might get a migraine from this.]

[OMJ: Now THAT is lucky! Or just plain stupid.]

[Hayden: Our protagonists can't even solve their own problems.]

"Gahh!" he yelled. "You won't get the treasure!" he yelled as he chased after them through the temple.

[OMJ: I guess super speed is a power not known to man in this universe.]

A bunch of swords and sharp objects came flying out of walls, almost killing the four of them. They managed to get through the hall and came to an empty room. They eventually came into an empty room.

[OMJ: It was so empty that they came twice to fill it up.]

"I got you right where I want you..." laughed Jss.

[OMJ: Just buy all their chocolate already, why won't ya.]

"Okay, you two will have to stop you rivalry because we are about to be cooked open by an electric ball!" yelled Hassan.

[OMJ: It's not like they were arguing the entire way through the temple. And I know you're supposed to be smart, but I don't think you're smart enough to make "we are about to be cooked open by an electric ball" sound anywhere near sensible.]

[Hayden: Maybe this rivalry should have been present at the beginning of the chapter instead of now feeling tacked on to offer suspense in the fight scene.]

Face said," I am sorry for calling you stubborn, mmkay?"

[Mr. Mackey: Because calling people stubborn is bad, mmkay? Stubborn is the worst word that you can say so just you use the word "MMKAY".]

"And I am sorry for being stubborn," said hilaryfan80. They jumped on Jss and caused him to throw his electric ball into the surface, causing the floor to shatter. They all fell through!

[Trophy: That's nice.]

[Hayden: Why did hilaryfan80 even apologiz-*falls through floor* ]

[OMJ: Wonder Twin Powers, another power that Jss doesn't have.]

They landed at the bottom of the temple! At the center of the room was a giant green diamond!

[Trophy: DIAMONDS ARE NOT GREEN, THE TERM IS EMERALD YOU MOTHA *rest gets cut off*]

[OMJ: Looks like the Hassan without a brain, the Face without a heart and the stubbornly Mr. Dr. Professor have finally arrived at the Emerald City.]

[Hayden: Was anything else in the room? Seems like a waste of architecture.....]

"Okay, that was way too easy, even for a temple..." said Face.

[OMJ: Temple Run made this look loads harder.]

[Hayden: Maybe that should have been referenced since they're still online.]

"Well, it is an opposite world after all. Easy = Hard for them probably," explained hilaryfan80.

[OMJ: At least somebody is smart enough to call upon some opposite logic, and it ain't even Hassan.]

[Hayden: Opposite logic seems to like picking and choosing where it applies.]

"And now I am going to finish the four of you off!" yelled Jss as he grabbed hilaryfan80. Hassan was at the top of the stone tower with the diamond.

[Trophy: Emerald......]

Jss was about to slice hilaryfan80's head off with his sword.

[OMJ: What's up with this story and cutting people's heads off with swords?]

[Hayden: Must be a disturbing death fetish the writer had.]

"Hey Hassan, I hate pressuring people, but um....if you don't do something, my head will be cut off!" yelled hilaryfan80.

[Trophy: How do you have time to say this?]

[OMJ: At least he's not trying to be stubborn about it.]

"Stay still!" said Jss.

[OMJ: Spoke too soon.]

[Hayden: Damnit hilaryfan80, just lay down and die, god stop being such a stubborn mule.]

Hassan was stuck: Grab the gem and let his friend die? He then had an idea, but knew it would cause the loss of the gem.

[Trophy: Or toss the gem to Face...]

[OMJ: While I'm overjoyed by the fact that an idea finally popped up in Hassan's head, is Face just gonna stand there looking pretty while his brother's head gets chopped off?]

[Hayden: Face doesn't have arms, he's just a face.]

"This is going to pain me to do, but I have to save hilaryfan80!" said Hassan as he took the gem and put what he could of it into his device.

[OMJ: And by that, he shoved as much of it as he could up his ass.]

The machine went crazy. It began glowing.

"Uhh....."

[OMJ: Well, visualizing what I just said, that'd be my reaction too.]

It blasted a laser beam at Jss, making him teleport away. Hassan managed to turn it off.

[OMJ: With a couple gallons of Pepto Bismol]

He then saw the gem crumbled to dust, and sighed.

[Hayden: Not the Gemerald that's also a diamond!]

"Don't worry, it was for the best. Saving me was more important than getting back to our world.

[OMJ: Says you, butthole. *shoots*]

[Hayden: Can someone explain to me why it turned to dust after one measly blast? Some treasure that is. In fact....it wouldn't have gotten everyone back to SBC then anyways.]

Plus, the gem was thousands of years old, if everybody in this world couldn't get to it for that long," said hilaryfan80.

[Trophy: So it would only send like 3 people back?]

[hilaryfan80: It's not like it could've been worth a fortune back in our universe or anything.]

"Hey look, a piece of the gem is on the ground!" said Face.

[OMJ: How lucky.]

[Hayden: Oh hey, Face did something by not being completely blind.]

Hassan picked it up.

"Hey, it has the same energy reading as the previous one!" he said as he picked it up.

[OMJ: Maybe because IT'S A PIECE OF THE PREVIOUS ONE.]

[Hayden: Is everyone else as astounded as I am by the genius we have in front of us?]

"Looks like it wasn't a total loss; it left a bit of a shard behind."

[OMJ: My god, the repetition in this chapter.]

[Hayden:  ]

Face and hilaryfan80 apologized to each other for fighting again and the three headed off.

[OMJ: Repetition aside, I hope they kissed while they were at it. It wouldn't exactly be SBC fan fiction without some twincest.]

[Trophy: Yeah, I'm getting some aspirin, I'm going to need a lot after that mess.]

[Hayden: Well just because "the plot has picked up" doesn't make it any less illogical or hastily written. If they immediately get back home now after all the time it has taken for everyone to get there I'm going to be at my wit's end. Maybe I should hope for that over everyone sitting around though, because it might answer why our buddy OMJ lost his big star spot these past few episodes. Thanks all, I'm the SBC enigma and I riff it so you don't have to!]

 

Edited April 20, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 1

 

17. SBC Chronicles

Spoiler

17. SBC Chronicles

[Jjs: Ah, this episode. One of the few SBCPU episodes I was actually proud of. Does it still hold up? Let's find up.]
[OMJ: "The Chronicles of SBC: The Blubber, The Captain and The Old Man." I sure as shit can't wait to find out too.]

We take a flashback and see what has happened to SBC while everybody is in the Opposite World. We see WhaleBlubber has taken over SBC and renamed it "UTC", which stands for United Trolls Community.

[OMJ: Thanks for elaborating, I thought it stood for Coordinated Universal Time.]
[Jjs: How did he take it over? Did he hack his way using spam this time? Or is this 70s impersonating Wh-sigh, no, give it up story, I won't make a mean-spirited Past 70s joke. OMJ, on the other hand...]
[OMJ: The chances of me making a mean-spirited 70s joke are about as likely as Prudence being born. But now that I think about it, Super Aquatic Villain Team-Up Is Go would've been a better name. Or EV.I.L.]

A bunch of his friends have joined. He has messed up everything on the site; The banner, graphics and even forums.

[Jjs: In the wise words of SOF: I think forumaation might be experincing technical ussues.]

 

"Ah, sweet revenge at long last! After months of thinking of a plan to take down this nerdy site, I have finally succeeded!" declared WhaleBlubber.

[OMJ:  ]
[Jjs: Months of thinking? I didn't know it took months to plan out that you would make new accounts daily to have an underwhelming spam attack, but alright.]
[OMJ: It's good to know that college education paid off.]

"Great job," said Captain. "By the way everybody, there are no rules! You can say any swear and insult everybody!" he explained. Everybody cheered.

[OMJ: It's not like that already?]
[Jjs: 

]

 

"Now, let's take this conversation to our new xat," he said.

[OMJ: Every SBC troll/hater has to have one: King Boo, Team Rage and now Dumb and Dumber.]

"Fuck SpongeBob, why did we take over a shitty site about him?" asked BoringKid.

[Jjs: I actually agree with BoringKid here. Is taking over a SpongeBob site really WhaleBlubber's ultimate goal in life? Does taking SpongeBob websites turn him on?]
[OMJ: Oh look, another bad guy for the sake of bad guys. Why not throw in this King Boo while you're at it or the other no names on the troll/haters wiki page.]

"Because I had been wanting revenge on this site for months, and now it is all mine!" he laughed.

[Captain: I think you meant ours, jackass.]

Also, the current staff positions were this:

Admins = WhaleBlubber and Captain
Mods = Birdette and BoringKid
GFXs and Good Noodles no longer exist.

[Jjs: Uh... thanks for the info? Did Steve and Hobo from the Bus Station give us this strange and out of nowhere info as usual?]
[steve: Yeah, the viewers are too stupid to figure it out and need to be spoon-fed.]
[Hobo: Yeah, you paid me to advertise it in hopes I'd get change, but I still didn't. ]
[OMJ: I think the other no names on the troll/hater wiki page could've filled those GFX positions quite nicely.]

"But hmm...what happened to OMJ? He could be lurking..." said Captain.

[OMJ: Or, ya know, could be out having a life you obviously lacked? Oh, who am I kidding.]
[Jjs: Like I said, OMJ's gonna hunt you down and eat you alive.]

 

"Well, we could delete his account," suggested Birdette.

[OMJ: Pretty sure I beat you to the punch back then.]

"True, but what fun would that be?" said Blubber.

[Jjs: And it's not like he can't make another account or anything.]

They all continued to chat on their xat.

 

[Jjs: I wonder what fascinating discussions they have. Could it be their plan to spam attack SBM or a random baseball site?]

"Well, he can't hack us, so we don't need to worry much," said Captain.

[OMJ: Haha. I know, I'm mobile!]

Meanwhile, we see OMJ lurking the site as the only guest (as they scared off everybody else who came on and didn't see the portal).

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE! Now here's where this episode loses me a bit. I remember 2011 was a pretty active and strong year for SBC, with tons of new members joining daily (in the first half, at least). I highly doubt a bunch of trolls can just scare everyone off, and even before they took over, couldn't new people post and ignore the portal? Or would the deadness have scared them off? I have to admit what happened to SBC could've been summarized better, but I guess it's only a minor flaw.]
[OMJ: I ain't afraid of no whale shit.]

"Damn, they messed this place up. I have to stop them!" he said.

[Jjs: "It's time for a goddamn hero!]
[OMJ: Could you exclaim that louder? I don't think they heard you.]

He wondered for a few minutes as he thought of a plan at his computer.

[Jjs: Part of me wants to nitpick the fact OMJ was still using an iPad as far as I know in 2011, but part of me can't think of a good joke for this, so I'm just moving on.]
[OMJ: I haven't used a computer since the computer famine of 2011.]

"But I also need to rescue everybody from the Opposite World! But..how?

[Jjs: Maybe you could open the portal again? Actually... that does make me wonder if the PM portal even stays after they use it. Another plot hole found? This has more issues than I remembered...]
[OMJ: Why would you want to save them? They should've high tailed it with you when they had the chance in the first place.]

Ugh, I need to take down Blubber and his gang first. And I just know how. If he made a xat, then he must be the Main Owner, and he must have a password.

[Jjs: Wait, how does OMJ know about the xat? Is WhaleBlubber that stupid to just put a link to it on his forum? It also seems like he caught the "talking to himself" disease from ATTWL 3 Jjs and tvguy.]
[OMJ: How else would they have gotten there that quickly?]

Now, knowing his history, I think I might have figured it out..."

[Jjs: ImAShark? Bucketsofpoop34? Spongebob_fan17? Zeis85? So many possibilities, good luck trying them all before you reach xat's failed password limit.]
[OMJ: OPEN SESAME! Well, I've done all I could do.]

We see the next day a new user register called "SmokinBob", who was really OMJ. He went over to their xat.

[Jjs: Looks like Jss has a smoking buddy.]
[OMJ: That's the best I could think of?]

"Hey guys, I registered for your forum. Thank god you took that shitty SpongeBob one down," OMJ/SmokinBob said.

[OMJ: This guy must have done some hardcore lurkin, Halibut-level lurkin.]

"Well, welcome fellow troll!" said SkullDuggery.

"We always welcome new members for our army," said Birdette.

 

[Jjs: I also have the perfect flag for their army:

]

"If you need any basic guidelines, ask us." Rallyistracer said.

[OMJ: I take it back, some of those no-namers are actually here.]

"Well, thanks guys. Any new features coming to the site?" he asked.

[OMJ: These are some highly sophisticated trolls to be continuing to make new features for the site they just took over.]

"Well, I might add some Arcade with some badass and violent games." Blubber said. "Maybe even a poop throwing one-"

 

[OMJ: Still better than Roblox.]
[Jjs: If they were hacking Roblox, it wouldn't make a difference since everyone's a hacker there, according to the raging 12 year-olds.]

 

"What is it with your poop fetish?" asked Birdette.

 

[WhaleBlubber: "It all started...when I was born."

]

"Well,-" just then, SmokinBob threw off his disguise.

[OMJ: Must've got that disguise from the same place that was selling CDCB and avatardude suits.]

"And I caught you all red-handed!" said OMJ.

[WhaleBlubber: "And I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that meddling Old Man Jenkins and his cannon!]
[OMJ: Why'd you have to "catch them red-handed"? It seemed fucking obvious from the get-go!]

"YOU! Trolls, ban him!" said Blubber. But it was too late; OMJ had made himself a Main Owner.

"W-What....IMPOSS-IMPOSSIBLE!" yelled WhaleBlubber.

[Jjs:  ]
[OMJ: And Blubber would proceed to shat a brick house right after.]

"While you were all talking, I got cracking. You should have came up with a more difficult password than "poopinguy"," OMJ said.

[Jjs: Some genius troll WhaleBlubber is if that is the best and most secure password he can think of. But he did spend months making his "genius plan" to spam SBC for a week...]
[OMJ: Ehh, I was close enough.]

"Gahhh no! But then again, you can't ban me since I am also a Main Owner!" WhaleBlubber boasted.

OMJ banned rally, Birdette and SkullDuggery forever,

[OMJ: Goodbye more people I don't care about.]
[Jjs: I really hope someone draws Ex and OMJ swinging a banhammer now.]

 

but him and WhaleBlubber had a banning dogfight. OMJ banned Captain, who, ended up being left as a Mod. In the end, OMJ exited out and fled to UTC.

[OMJ: So in other words, I demoted Captain?]

"Gah! Captain, ban him on UTC ASAP!" said an angry WhaleBlubber.

[OMJ: Hey, I demoted him! He should be Lieutenant now.]

"Yes sir!" said Captain, but OMJ/SmokinBob had logged out.

"Okay, I guess I haven't used a forum AP in a while, because I can't find out how to ban him!" said Captain.

[Jjs: In other words, this seems like convenient Idiot Ball to let OMJ win.]
[OMJ: It's good to see his obliviousness hasn't changed between fandoms.]

"Oh you dimwit, "Ban this Member" is on his profile! No need to go to the Admin Panel!" said Blubber.

"Dimwit? Excuse me, I am very intelligent!" boasted Captain.

[Jjs: Well, you did believe WhaleBlubber about his opposite world story despite no proof or evidence...]
[OMJ: If posing as a girl is not considered intelligent, I don't know what is.]

"Oh shut up you pile of delicious shit, lemme ban his ass," said Blubber.

[OMJ: ...Cabber confirmed...?]

"Not so fast...when you insult me...you face pain," said Captain as the two began to fight on the xat.

[OMJ: "You pile of delicious shit" sounds pretty flattering to me.]
[Jjs: "When you insult me...you face pain". Probably the most hilariously threatening line of this whole lit so far.]

"Ah, just like I planned!" said OMJ. "Okay, not really as that was more unexpected...now to call the forumotion police."

[Jjs: Backtrace it and send it to the forumotion police!]
[OMJ: So I'm a snitch now?!]

"Hey guys, while in the midst of your childish fighting, OMJ-" BoringKid was then cut off.

 

[Jjs: Always cutting off the most interesting lines in this lit.]

"Oh shut the fuck up, you little brat,"

[OMJ: Now that's insulting.]

said Blubber as he de-ownered him and banned him forever. "Now where were we?"

[OMJ: Good question. You "de-ownered" him, so are we still on xat or what?]

"Hey, don't ban him!" said Birdette; he was re-banned too.

[OMJ: Still on xat or what?]

"Okay Blubber, I think we stayed out our alliance too long you little fat piece of whale shit!" said an irritated Captain.
 

[OMJ: Nothing like the good ole villain team up that eventually goes sour!]
[Jjs: Tonight on Community Deathmatch...

 

 

VS.

 

]

 

"Ohh! I have horse shit steaming out of my ears now! I might have to rename myself to "HorseBlubber"!

[OMJ: Or, y'know, HorseMeat?]
[Jjs: So he has a horse fetish now too?]

I knew working with you would be an awful idea; you are nowhere as near as da troll as meh!" said Blubber.

"How so? I have spammed up SBC once,"-

"Oh please, that was half-assed. I did MUCH better than that!" said Blubber proudly.

 

[Jjs: There's probably a penis comparison innuendo hidden in there somewhere.]

"Oh, you are going to get it now you little shit! You are worse than the idiots who run TV.com! 

[OMJ: And that's saying A LOT.]

The biggest, baddest troll can't take an insult lightly, can't he-" Just then, the forumotion cops arrived.

[Jjs: 

]

[Forumotion Police: We serve, protect and give out failing grades to the citizens of the SpongeBob Community.]

"Alright, that is enough. I got a call saying you gang had hacked this forum." Cop #1 said. 

[OMJ: Or in other words, attempted murder of an Internet forum.]

He arrested Captain and Blubber.

"Wha?! No! I am good, I don't want to be stuck with him!" said Captain.

"Nice try, but we aren't that stupid." Cop #2 said as he arrested the other trolls.

[OMJ: Stupid enough to not know your own names, apparently.]
[Jjs: At least these cops are more competent than the Bikini Top Police, Mumbology, and imaginary ATTWL 3 ones.]

"Can I get set free, since I didn't really do anything," asked SkullDuggery.

 

[Jjs: And to show what a troll he is, he asked without a question mark! Looks like he'll have a word with the Grammar Police soon as well.]

"Nice try, but the good old innocent act doesn't effect us," said Cop #1.

[OMJ: So much for being innocent until proven guilty. Then again, it's the Internet.]

"Fuck." Skull said.

"Thanks officers," said OMJ.

[Jjs: Just have one of them eat a donut while you're at it.]
[OMJ: And go spank yourself for being a snitch while you're at it.]

"No problem. We've restored your forum back to normal. Well, the skin at least. Why are you the only one here though..?" asked Cop #1.

"Eh, it is a long story. You wouldn't believe it." OMJ said.

[Hank Hill: You just wouldn't understand. That boy ain't right.]
[OMJ: "It's about as believable as ACS having friends. I'm sure you've already crossed paths with 'them', officers." What, expected a mean-spirited 70s joke?]

"Now, as for you man 

[OMJ: This is the second time you've said "you" instead of "your", officer. If I were you, I would not take the call to break up a neo-grammar nazi rally.]

who smells like blubber and the other man who has a weird haircut, since you two were the main honchos

[OMJ: At least he got honcho right.]

behind this hacking, I suggest you two find a good lawyer soon as I AM taking you to court for hacking a forum we host," said Cop #2.

[OMJ: I heard Waddles & Waddles has a good track record.
 ]

"Can I pretend to be my own lawyer?" asked Captain.

"No, now get in the van!" said Cop #2.

[Jjs: I've got some yummy treats for you...]
[OMJ: Well, if you word it like that, of course you're not gonna be your own fucking lawyer.]

"Well, the forum is back to normal." OMJ said. "But hey...what is this?" he asks as he finds an odd silver watch on the ground.

[Jjs: Are we riffing the SECC finale again?]

"Hey FailBlubber, is this your watch?" asked OMJ.

"What the shit? How did you get that? Well, I stole it from the cave before we were teleported away. I thought it looked kinda cool, so I took it. But I guess you can have it now.." Blubber said from the cop car.

[OMJ: What a nice guy after all. Don't worry Blubber, I'll return the favor at your first parole meeting.]

[Jjs: A random watch that had no hint at all in episode 13 now being addressed to add mystery. Can I call the ASS PULL POLICE here?]

"So...whose is it?" asked OMJ.

 

[Jjs: I think I've might've dropped a watch in a cave with a fairy who is a leprechaun in an opposite world and loves to disguise spam as gold. If you see my SBCPU self whenever they return, feel free to hand it to him.]

"No idea," replied Blubber as he and the others were taken away in the forumotion vans.

OMJ then looked at the watch in wonder.

[OMJ: Just fuck it, why won't ya? Closest thing you ever gonna get, son.]
[Jjs: 

 

I have to admit, this was a hard one to riff. I actually liked how this one turned out, and it's one of the few episodes I'd salvage from the series. It wasn't without its flaws, but I actually had fun writing it and it's not too terribly dated either. Plus, it did further the whole goddamn hero meme. Let's see how the rest of the show holds up...]
[OMJ: Besides me being a snitch bitch at the end, I can deal with being a badass. Hopefully with the whole Blubber nonsense out of the way, we can really get into the juicy stuff that is not whale shit.]

[Metal Snake]

Yeah, I agree that 17 was one of the better ones. 16 was so bad it was good. Oh yeah, and Trophy...

 

""Gah, I hate walking," said hilaryfan80."

 

This reminded me even more of ATTWL 3.

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 1

 

18. Dark Age

Spoiler

18. Dark Age

[Metal Snake: WELCOME TO THE DARK AGE. Yeah, no interruptions this time, I legitimately wanted to say that.]
[OMJ: So we're fast forwarding to early 2012 now?]

We see Massan in his liar.

[Metal Snake: THE LAIR IS A LIE. Seriously, why did none of these lulzy typos ever show up on the “Notes/Trivia/GOOFS” section jjs added?]
[OMJ: So his hideout is in 70s? I'm sure 70s consented to that.]

"They...took the Emerald Gem. I must get it back...before they use their energy to teleport themselves back to their world!" said an upset Massan.
 
[OMJ: Oh, now you call it an emerald. And do you mean "their energy" as in the users' actual energy? Because they didn't pick up more than one piece. Do they have to collect seven in total in order to transform into Super Sonic?]
[JCM: I...must use ellipses...as much as humanly possible.]

"Don't worry, we'll somehow get it back!" encouraged Jss.

[Metal Snake: Great encouragement there, buddy. “We JUST MIGHT save the world from being blown up by the alien invaders!”]
[OMJ: Just use your power of teleportation to whisk the piece away from them. Or is that yet another power not known to man in this universe?]

Just then, we see Massan's TV screen turn on.

[Metal Snake: MAIN SCREEN TURN ON.]
[OMJ: SO HIS TV IS THE MASTERMIND BEHIND ALL THIS! Remember kids, television is bad. Or good in this universe??]
[JCM: I'm turned on by TV screens, too! We were made for each other!]

We then see a scene of someone in a chair, but they are shadowed out.

[Metal Snake: Shadowed out with...what? Dim lighting? Special effects? A guy standing in front of the person in the chair? Thanks for at least establishing that they were “in a chair” this time, unlike in episode 15…]
[OMJ: Just have him pet a cat while you're at it.]

"Boss!" said Massan.
 
[JCM: When was his name "boss"? I thought you called him "master". If you're gonna be vague, at least be consistently vague.]

"Hello Massan. Have any of the SBC users gotten back yet?" he asked.

[Metal Snake: “Greetings, subjects! Have you failed me yet?”]

"No. But...they found something that could teleport them back. The Emerald Gem." Massan said, panicking.

[OMJ: Umm, I got back.]
[JCM: Yeah, but Massan's too busy pissing his pants to remember stuff like that.]

"No worries." Massan's boss replied.

[OMJ: So his boss is Timon from The Lion King?]

"Wait, huh?" asked Massan and Jss.

[OMJ: Jinx, you owe me a soda!]
[Massan: I finally know where the DAMN fourth Emerald Gem went!]

"Don't worry - everything will be just fine, as long as that70sguy92 is still alive." Massan's boss said. "My master plan is coming into play soon."
 
[JCM: His master plan is to watch reruns of Glee all day.]
[OMJ: So 70s just got a hell of a lot more important, apparently. Time to prepare some more mean-spirited jokes.]

The screen turned off.

"I wonder why boss has such a grudge against this that70sguy92 person?" wondered Jss.

[Metal Snake: “Looking at the subtext, I thought the dialogue tag would’ve been “pondered Jss”. Oh wait, that still would’ve made sense.” thought Metal Snake.]
[OMJ: Maybe your boss is that guy he beat up at Best Buy.]

"I wonder too, but we got to get that gem back!" said Massan.

[OMJ: It's good to see the mindless sheep knowing their play in opposite life.]
[Metal Snake: GOT TO GO FAST!]
[JCM: Your boss just said that the gem wasn't important. Don't you have better things to waste your time with?]

"But first - I must set up the device to bring users from SpongeBuddy Mania here..." he said as he turned it on.

[Metal Snake: ...Hmm?]
[OMJ: Great. As if this wasn't already a clusterfuck as it is. Or should I say, cluster::dolphin noise::.]

He then left the scene.

We cut to SBM, and we see a portal appear on the banner.
 
[JCM: Nothing conspicuous there.]
[Metal Snake: No way…]
[OMJ: That was fast.]

"What the ::dolphin noise::?" wondered SBRoxMan.
 
[Metal Snake: For real this time…]
[OMJ: I honestly can't imagine him saying that, even if it is censored. But it does get me another dollar, so why am I even complaining.]
[JCM: I hope he's not as much of a potty mouth as a mod.]

He and a few others were sucked in.

[Metal Snake: ...Yeah, believe it or not, while I was riffing episode 15, I actually thought that the “Angelman/Devilman” line was a SBM in-joke before a good friend corrected me. But now...wow. It’s official. Jjs did it before SOF, and as far as I know, this is the first plot-heavy SBC lit...to feature SBM members. I honestly don’t know what else to say except that these callbacks to shows like ATTWL 3 are getting spookier than ever… O_O]
[OMJ: It's alright, we don't need to know who they are til' later when they'll somewhat matter. Like the majority of everyone else already in this story.]

Meanwhile, we cut back to the SBC users.
 
[JCM: Is it asking too much for an important scene to last more than three lines?]

"So um, how will we get out of this place?" asked teenj.

[OMJ: Did you try switching it to Wumbo?]

"No idea at this point. I guess we might eventually have to adjust and just...move in here?" suggested tvguy.

[OMJ: Soon to be called "SpongeBob Universe: Parallel Universe"!]
[Metal Snake: LET’S MOVE IN HERE TOGETHER!

*everyone sits around*

So uh...this is a great place, huh?]

"Okay, no." 70s replied.
 
[JCM: Yeah, screw making the best of a bad situation!]

"I know, it was a dumb idea.." tvguy reply.

[Metal Snake: Because that sounds like a classic “tvguy reply”.]
[OMJ: Sounds more like a classic 70s/Tvguy exchange to me.]

"Before you two start to bicker, I need some help with trying to get this device to work." Hassan said.
 
[OMJ: You're smart, figure it out yourself.]
[Metal Snake: Bicker? I witnessed tvguy and 70s bickering a lot back in the day, and that was NOTHING like the arguments they would have. Just...holy crap.]

"I really feel bad that there are no Muppets in this world..." Deli sighed.
 
[JCM: Just the opposite version, Jim Crimson's Humppets.]
[Deli: I feel that not even the Muppets could save us. :/]
[OMJ: But there can still be Avatar: The Last Airbender? Way to fuck with opposite logic, Jjs.]

"Okay, I kind of need people to stay on-topic here." Hassan said.

[Hassan: We don't want a repeat of the last 17 or so chapters.]

"I need to carefully cut this gem piece into 4 equal parts so it will fit into the slots of the device. Now, this is solid crystal, so I'll need patience and carefulness." Hassan said.

[Hassan: Don't want it puncturing my rectum on the way in.]
[Metal Snake: Don’t you mean “care and patience”? And lol at Hassan complaining at people needing to “stay on-topic” when he basically did the equivalent of double-posting by establishing that “he said” his dialogue twice.]
[JCM: Diamonds are literally the hardest things on Earth. It'll take more than "patience and carefulness" to cut it.]

"Sounds like a plan," said Fa.

"You can use my house for concentration," said Familyguyfa.

[Metal Snake: What, is he going to meditate there?]
[OMJ: Or push real hard...]

"Thanks." Hassan said as Familyguyfa escorted him there.
 
[JCM: Once they were alone in the house together, instant buttsex.]

"Hassan is pretty good with this stuff, so I hope he can figure it out," Claps said.

[OMJ: If you say, Claps.]

"Yeah." Jjs replied.

[Metal Snake: ...Okay. Despite me referencing it, these characters do NOT sound ATTWL 3 bad...but good lord, I’m starting to understand why some of the other riffers are complaining about their blandness. I know that with such a large cast of characters, you can’t give EVERYONE a well-rounded, three-dimensional character, but at least show the reader that they have some unique personality traits. I’m not trying to be mean to jjs, but too many of the characters here are just dull and wooden. I can only think of a few that are at least two-dimensional…]

Just then, we see SBRoxMan and Mechwave walk into the town.
 
[JCM: You spelled Mechawave's name wrong on his first appearance? This lit always finds new ways to frustrate me.]
[Metal Snake: Just strollin’ along in, doodley-doo.]

"Mechawave and SBRox! How did you two end up here?" asked tvguy.

"Hey tvguy," said SBRox.
 
[sBRox: Turns out that “Hey tvguy” was the password to get in!]
[OMJ: They're not gonna ask "Where the ::dolphin noise:: are we?"?]

"We saw a trippy lookin'
 
[JCM: No.]
 
portal on the SBM banner and it teleported us here." Mecha said.

"Wow, so they are striking SBM too.." tvguy said.

[OMJ: You would think 2011 Tvguy would cream himself at the thought of that.]

"Who is they? Where are we? Why are SBC users here? Why am I asking you all of these questions?" asked Mecha.

[Metal Snake: SpongeBob references because…? Oh yeah, and…

“No one has found BROMJ since the Chum Famine of ‘59.”

More ATTWL 3 callbacks...]
[OMJ: Sounds like a lotta hoopla.]
[JCM: You've done the impossible, Mecha. You've ruined my favorite SpongeBob episode.]

After an hour, 70s explained everything to the two.

[Metal Snake: An hour? 70s has been taking notes from the boring economics teacher from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off…]
[OMJ: I hope he told them about the part when he spent the night in opposite jail and turned his bitch into his cellmate.]

"lolopposites," Mecha said. "I bet the opposite version of SBM sucks."

[OMJ: If it helps you sleep at night, kid.]

"The opposite version of SBM is called AvatarBuddy Mania," 70s said.
 
[JCM: Which sounds awful. Why don't they call it Avatar: The Last Airbuddy Mania? Oh God, that sounds even worse! Never mind. Stick with that name.]

"Oh god, I am seriously about to throw up," Mecha said.
 
[Metal Snake: ...Is he throwing up because he doesn’t like Avatar, or was jjs self-loathing?]

"Here, you can use this doggy bag," said Elastic as he handed it to him.

[Metal Snake: HAHAIGETIT! He’s Elastic DOG!]

"Thanks Elastic Wasteband," Mecha said. "Or should I say the Elastic Trashcan?"
 
[JCM: Mecha's opposite must be the nicest person ever.]
[Metal Snake: HAHAIDON’TGETIT! Is it funny because waste is trash? Do bands have a secret relation to cans I don’t know about?]
[OMJ: Does he carry that around for anything that isn't b-level art house?]

We see Hassan cutting the gem.

"1 piece down so far," Hassan said.
 
[JCM: This is so exciting. I'm on the edge of my seat.]

"I hope you can figure it out and your friends can get back," said Familyguyfa.

[Metal Snake: Figure out...what? I’d ASSUME he’s talking about them getting back to their world...but HE DIDN’T ESTABLISH THAT IN THE CONVERSATION. Good lord, this lit is starting to feel to me like a poorly translated retro video game that was rushed to release, like Castlevania II or Metal Gear…]
[OMJ: I'm sure it takes plenty of careful and patient thinking when it comes to shoving sharp objects up your butt for the sake of your e-friends.]

"Don't worry, I'll be fine." Hassan reassured.

[OMJ: He must have Dr. Sex as his proctologist.]

We see Massan spying on Familyguyfa's house from a hill.
 
[JCM: *singsongy* Pervert.]

"Ah, there he is!" said Jss.

[Metal Snake: Oh yeah, the “stealth” elements as well...

It’s definitely NES Metal Gear…]

"He looks a bit like me..." Massan said.
 
[JCM: It's hard to replicate those good non-looks.]

"Maybe he is your opposite," Jss suggested.

"Opposite or not, I am getting that gem back." Massan said as he jumped off the hill and into the alley. He smiled.

[Metal Snake: He then tripped and got his face slammed into the dirt. He cried.]
[OMJ: Jumped off the hill and into the alley? So he leaped from the countryside all the way to the big city?]

"I feel like we're being watched...." said Familyguyfa.

[OMJ: I'm sure they just want to sell you something.]
[JCM: Nothing worse than having a voyeur ruin your intimate moment with someone you barley know.]

"If there is a crook out there, he'll get his ass beat. I have one more piece left to put in!" Hassan said.

[Metal Snake: “If that crook comes, I know EXACTLY where I’m gonna put that piece...hee hee…"]
[OMJ: Taking into account what I've been saying, that line is fucking hilarious.]

"That's good-"

Just then, Massan busted down the door.
 
[Metal Snake: WITH. WHAT?! A battering ram? His fists? The Death Knock?]
[OMJ:  ]
[JCM: Voyeurism is one thing, but property damage? I'm afraid this is going on your permanent record.]
 
"Well, hello children!" said Massan as he entered in with Jss.

[Massan: Are you ready for story time with Massan? ]
[OMJ: Storytime would have to be in this story first.]

"Massan! I should have known-"

Just then, Jss blasted him with an electric shock into the fridge.
 
[JCM: Blasted who? There are three other people in the house. We aren't psychics.]

"I'm okay!" Familyguy reassured.

[Familyguyfa: I wish I could say the same for a month’s worth of groceries…]
[OMJ:  ]

"Well, well, well...I see you are my opposite and the one who has been causing trouble in this world," Hassan said as he stood up.
 
[JCM: Yes, you do see that. Thank you for enlightening us with that observation.]

"Yup, we finally meet face to face." Massan said.

[Jjs: Here tonight, in Community Deathmatch!]

"Can I blast him?!" Jss said, but Massan relaxed him.
 
[OMJ: Pause.]
[Metal Snake: I am curious to know exactly how he relaxed him. A comforting speech? A shoulder massage? Herbal tea?]

"No, this shall be between me and him," he said.
 
[JCM: I love how he was just kicking doors down and is now using Shakespearean English.]

"As you wish," Jss said as he grabbed Familyguyfa.

[Jss: Just allow me to drag this other guy into it first…]
[OMJ: He then proceeded to blast him in the corner.]

"Let him go!" Hassan said.
 
[JCM: Well, since you asked nicely...]

"This is simple really: Give me the gem pieces and I will give you your friend," Massan said.

"Ugh, not these deals again." Hassan said.

[Metal Snake: Hassan has been offered deals to buy friends for gem pieces in the past? I guess he always gets turned off by the “twelve monthly payments” part.]
[Hassan: I already have enough free deals on AOL!]

"If you refuse, I use brutal force to take the gem and Jss shocks Famiyguyfa to death. What is your choice? And choose carefully." Massan explained.

"You are quite a devious man....but I choose neither!" said Hassan as he kicked Jss in the face, grabbed his whip and shocked his armor.
 
[JCM: Unless Jss is three feet tall, kicking that dude in the face would require some Bruce Lee-style acrobatics.]
[Metal Snake: “Money and friendship will get you nowhere, Massan!”]
[OMJ: So he chose not to give it to him.]

"Hah, foolish boy! My armor is as hard as-"

[Metal Snake: A vagina?]
[OMJ: Between this, the blasting and Hassan's ass, I'm glad to see this story finally cooperating with me.]
[JCM: His armor is as hard as his armor. Chew on that for a while.]

Hassan wrapped the electric whip around his face.

"UGH! Now that burns- (BZZT!)" Jss managed to get it off, while putting water over his face.
 
[Metal Snake: IT BURNS BURNS BURNS!]
[OMJ: At least water bending is known to man in this universe. Well, Avatar does exist while the Muppets don't, after all.]

"Now you've done it.." Massan said as he charged for him, and Hassan kicked him over the table and he went flying out the window.

"Hey, my window!" Familyguy said.
 
[JCM: He didn't care about his door, but his window!]
[Familyguyfa: Thanks for saving my life! But I really think you should pay for that window.]

"Master!" Jss said as he jumped out the window to aid him.

[Metal Snake: Yes, aid him by falling to severe injury!]

"I'm fine." Massan said. "Come get me, Hassan!" Massan said.

[OMJ: Well, Jss jumped out a window for nothing.]
[Metal Snake: Massan said this, Massan said that. Bossy, bossy, bossy…]

He pulled out a gun, but Hasan
 
[JCM: Has an]
 
dodged the gun fire and he punched him the face. He kicked the gun out of his hand.
 
[Metal Snake: Woah, Hassan’s got ninja skillz! He dodged gunfire that hadn’t even been fired yet! Incredible!]
[OMJ: Somebody went to the OMJ School of Badassery.]

"Quite strong and brave you are,
 
[JCM: said Yoda.]
 
but you are not smart enough to outsmart me!" said Massan

[OMJ: I don't know, it's a pretty tough call.]

as he activated a button on a switch.

[OMJ: Try picturing that, a button on a switch.]

It caused a brick tile Hassan was standing on to eject him into the air, and he went flying and crashing down on Familyguyfa's roof.

[Metal Snake: So the ace up his sleeve was...a trap right out of a Saturday morning cartoon. Seems strangely appropriate…]
[JCM: If that didn't work, he would have dropped an anvil or a safe on Hassan.]
[OMJ: So he managed to rig Familyguyfa's house before they got there? That's thinking ahead of the curve.]
 
"Ugh..." Hassan said as he slid off, but Familyguy caught him.

[OMJ: The whole idea of what just transpired sounds pretty "ugh" to me.]

"The g-gem piece!" said Hassan as he reached for it, but Jss stepped on his hand and grabbed the last gem piece.

[Metal Snake: Wait...if Hassan slid off the roof, shouldn’t the gem piece have slid off the roof too? Are they on the ground or on the roof?! EXPLAIN!]
[JCM: Wouldn't it have been easier just to pickpocket Hassan? It certainly wouldn't have required as much wacky technology.]

"You think I didn't have a back-up plan?" Massan laughed. "I am truly the smartest criminal in the world!"

[OMJ: Don't you mean "opposite world", genius? At least now I know my skepticism about Hassan's smarts has some opposite logic backing it up now.]

"I honestly didn't know that tile was trapped..." Familyguy said.

[OMJ: There's an ellipses, he must be telling the truth.]
[Metal Snake: Pfft...please stop calling him just Familyguy. The temptation to make a Seth MacFarlane joke is getting too great…]

"Wait - where are the other 3 pieces?" asked Jss.
 
[JCM: in ur mum]
[OMJ: Need I even say it?]

"Gone, but no matter. We have 1 piece that will prevent them from teleporting back!" Massan laughed as he escaped.

"Until next time, adios!" Massan taunted.

[Metal Snake: He taunted them with the Spanish word for “goodbye”? That was...surprisingly tame…]
[OMJ: Now you know there's definitely gonna be a next time.]

We see Hassan moaning.

[OMJ: To be honest, I feel pretty bad for Hassan. That was a whole lotta butt plugging for nothing.]
[JCM: You need to spend less time moaning and more time using your kung-fu skills to get that piece of the gem back.]

"Ugh, he got away..." Hassan sighed.

[Metal Snake: “Ugh, we may never be able to get back home…”]
[OMJ: Should've said "Massan no swiping!" when you had the chance.]

"No worries - at least you still have the other 3 gem pieces," said Familyguyfa as he pulled them out of his pocket.

[OMJ: You mean ass, dammit.] 

"I grabbed them in the midst of the fighting," he explained as he handed them to him.

[OMJ: So he just...grabbed them from his...in the middle of...no wonder why they lost!]

"Thanks. We'll get the 4th gem piece back, no matter what!" said Hassan.
 
[JCM: If only you applied that optimism to actually getting the piece back when you had the chance.]

The screen faded black.

[Metal Snake: Oh, not again...I still can’t find my seat… ]
[OMJ: I sure hope this whole "Dark Age" thing gets more backing in the next few chapters, because there sure was a lot of literal ass pull instead.]

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 1

19. The 4 Gem Pieces

Spoiler

19. The 4 Gem Pieces

[sOF: Long ago, the four gems lived-Nah, too easy.]

We see Massan in his liar and the screen turns on.

[JCM: He's in 70s again?]
[OMJ: You're in the guy you're looking for, story's over. Can I go home with some brain cells intact now?]
[steel: Back for some more hot screen action? Speaking of back, I finally got back from getting a popcorn refill to do some more SBCPU riffing.]

"Hello Massan, I see you've prevented Hassan_Bajwa from having all four gem pieces. Without this piece, they will not be able to get back. Good job." Massan's boss replied.

[Massan: Someone's earned himself a good noodle star.]
[sOF: Will we finally find out who's been behind this crazy ride? I've been waiting 19 chapters.]
[OMJ: More like one chapter. And even then, I'm sure even Massan's boss has a boss.]

"Keep one thing in mind, I am working with you, not for you," Massan said.

[sOF: So who are you working for again?]
[JCM: That's why you call him "boss" and "master", words that don't at all imply you're working for him.]
[steel: Anyways, request me anything you wish, master.]

"Indeed. Prepare a counter-attack in case they come looking for the gem piece." Massan's boss said as the screen turned off.

[OMJ: And by counter-attack, he wants to cut their heads off with swords.]

We cut back to the Town Square and see Hassan breaking to everybody the bad news.

[JCM: That word order much confusion causes me.]
[sOF: I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you, too: The place is seriously just called Town Square? First Wourlot Town and now this. The opposite world town names are very disappointing.]
[OMJ: Square Town would've been much more original.]
[Hassan: "Bad news, I am breaking your limbs for some reason!]

"Dammit, but at least you tried Hassan," said Clappy.

[sOF: You get an F for effort!]

"Well, I am sure they couldn't have gone too far..." teenj said.

[OMJ: Well, they are inside a member of your very group.]

"You should backtrace it and sent it over to the cyber police," suggested Elastic.

[JCM: And then I'll report your inconsistent verb tenses to the grammar police.]
[OMJ: Back trace it how, exactly? With Hassan's ass again?]
[steel: And consequences will never be the same. Couldn't resist.]

"Where could he be though?" asked Jjs.

"Want to help me look, Jjs?" asked Hassan.

"Sure, since I haven't done anything really," said Jjs. The two ventured off somewhere.

[sOF: Somewhere must be where Someone lives. At least jjs is finally giving himself some spotlight for once, surprised it took him this long.]
[OMJ: So it's Jjs' turn to have a lil character building adventure with Hassan?]
[steel: In a nutshell, this lit at this point is 50% Hassan, 20% OMJ, 20% Massan and Jss, 7% Blubber and Captain, and 3% everyone else. Needless to say, it's nice to see something come out of Jjs in this lit.]

"Why are we always out and about?" asked Wumbo.

[steel: This I'm wondering, without a doubt.]
[sOF: Good question.]
[JCM: Many philosophers have tried, and all have failed, to answer that question.]
[OMJ: Wumbo just wants a lil' character building adventure with Hassan too.]

We see Hassan and Jjs come to a beach.

"Well, I guess this isn't a bad start..." Jjs said.

[JCM: Yeah, if you don't find the missing gem piece, at least you'll find some awesome seashells.]
[OMJ: Maybe you'll be able to find David Hasselhoff and hopefully have him take you guys home.]
[steel: Or they can have a talk with the guy with five heads.]

"Hmm, looks like a storm is brewing," said Hassan as he pointed to the sky.

We see Massan and Jss under a boardwalk.

[JCM: Just because.]
[sOF: Hopefully they find a Rock Lobster there.]
[OMJ: "(Under the boardwalk) We'll be falling in love. Under the boardwalk, boardwalk!]
[hilaryfan80: "Gah, I hate walking!"]

"You sure we'll be fine here?" asked Jss.

"Who would bother to look under a boardwalk?" Massan said.

[JCM: I don't know, a boardwalk inspector?]
[sOF: That's a good point, why are they looking under a boardwalk? Do people drop a lot of money there? Why are they even searching a beach anyways? Part of me wants to make an ATTWL 3 reference, but eh...that'd be unfair, so I'll leave the other riffers to those.]
[OMJ: Who would bother to even hide under a boardwalk.]
[steel: Especially if no one apparently suspects anything "under the boardwalk".]

Jjs and Hassan walked onto the beach.

[OMJ: DO DO DO DO DOOO!]
[steel: I thou...I thought they were already at the beach.]

"Well, this is a good start. Lots of things get buried in the sand," said Jjs.

[JCM: I had no idea! It's a good thing you brought Jjs along, or you wouldn't have known that things get buried in the sand.]
[OMJ: So is he just assuming they buried it in the sand or that Jss and Massan lost it and it somehow ended up buried in the sand?]
[sOF: I hope Hassan brought a metal detector, since he has every machine up his ass.]

"Very true. You look over near the lifeguard booth and I'll check near the boardwalk," said Hassan.

"Is-Is that Massan!?" said a panicked opposite named musicguy743.

[JCM: Hooray, another pointless character. We can never have enough of those.]
[OMJ: I'm assuming opposite tvguy was actually 13 at this time?]
[steel: Uh, hello sir who's making an appearance.]

"Nah, I am a guy named Hassan though," Hassan said.

[OMJ: Nothing out of the ordinary there, move on.]

"Sorry for the trouble sir, I thought you were someone else," he said as he walked away.

[JCM: The writing reaches new heights of laziness as we introduce a new character only to throw him away two seconds later! Tonight, on SBC Parallel Universe!]
[OMJ: He would go on to praise AvatarBuddy Mania for their booming activity immediately after.]

"Massan sure is scary to these guys...I really want to put an end to this killer." Hassan said.

[OMJ: At least he's not big or pink, then you'll really have a killer on your hands. Either that or Patrick's belly button.]

He looked under the boardwalk and found some shells along the way.

[JCM: Called it.]
[steel: Just for the record, boardwalk doesn't share relation to sand, if Jjs is implying that Hassan found shells by digging them up.]

But no gem.

[sOF:

]

He then hid behind a wooden pole when he saw Massan and Jss.

[sOF: Hello, Pole.]

"Well, I found them easier then expected.." Hassan whispered to himself.

[JCM: Yeah, those shells are really cool.]
[OMJ: So much easier than expected that you didn't finish that ellipses.]

We see Massan pull the last gem piece out of his pocket.

"How will we destroy this thing, boss?" asked Jss.

[OMJ: For a guy with every power known to man, you sure seem like the exact opposite.]
[JCM: With your mind.]
[steel: How will they destroy it? Allow me to give out another question: will it blend?]

"No idea, but at the moment we'll have to hide it instead of destroy it." Massan said.

[sOF: This might be a crazy idea, but you could bury it in the sand.]

Hassan tried to sneak away, but we heard Massan yell "Halt!"

[OMJ: What do you mean "we"?
]
[JCM: Massan apparently has a fetish for Shakespearean language.]
[OMJ: Or Jjs.]
[steel: Halt! I insist for you fox-trotters to partake in what is now the hour of the nail penetrating tool!]

"Shit," Hassan said.

"Nice try, my opposite friend. But I have eyes like a hawk. Come for this piece I see?" said Massan.

"Yeah, Canadians don't give up too easily," said Hassan.

[sOF: Heh, true dat.]
[steel: I thought they'd surrender, eat some pancakes with pure maple syrup, and then watch hockey.]
[JCM: Being racist against your own people? Ballsy.]
[OMJ: SOF gave up on SECC pretty fast after getting called out on it.]

"Well then, soon dead you'll be.." said Massan as he pulled out a sword. He began swinging it at the wood. Hassan dodged and ran.

[OMJ: Just fuck each other already! Or would that be masturbation? Or would that be the opposite of masturbation?]
[sOF: Swinging it at the wood? *chuckles* This sounds wrong in my twisted mind.]
[OMJ: That's about as close to his head as he's gonna get. Zing?]

"Stop him!" yelled Massan.

Jss jumped in front of Hassan's path and Hassan got by him, while Massan tried attacking with his sword. Hassan grabbed it from him and sliced a wooden pole, causing a part of the deck to collapse on Jss.

[JCM: Hassan: Scientist, Ninja, and Professional Swordsman.]
[steel: And the spotlight moocher of this Lit, he should also add that to his resume.]
[sOF: R.I.P. Pole. Oh well, nobody liked her on Skodwarde anyways...]
[Disclaimer: No wooden poles were harmed during the making of this chapter.]
[sOF: ....curses.]

"Gahhh! Master, help!" said Jss.

[OMJ: If I had a dollar for each time "Gahhh!" was uttered in this story.]
[steel: Who do you think Massan is? Your mother? If you could gloat for having hard as steel armor, you could at least flip that broken pole sideways.]

"I will, but let me get him first!"

[OMJ: In other words, "fuck you".]

said Massan as he jumped up and busted open another part of the deck.

[JCM: With his mind.]
[OMJ: What's the point of using a sword in the first place? Oh yeah, Jjs' sick cutting off heads with swords fantasies.]

We see Jjs walk up.

[Jjs: All this chopped wood, but no head?!]
[steel: He's Jjs and he walks up. Sounds useful enough to switch the camera's viewpoint, ain't it?]

"I didn't find anything unfortunately, but....uh-"

"Dodge!" said Hassan as he jumped out of the way, and so did Jjs.

[JCM: Jumped out of the way of what? An asteroid?]
[steel: Little did Jjs know that he was in the way of an invisible grenade.]

Massan's sword went jabbing into a food stand. The person in it ran out screaming, and Jss pulled his sword out.

[sOF: MY CABBAGES!]
[OMJ: I'd run away screaming too if I was attacked by penises.]
[steel: Headline: Local most wanted criminal angry at food stall, who then stabs it with his sword.]

"Well, you are worthy opponents, but you will not get this gem from me!" he said as he chased after them down the boardwalk, bumping past opposites. We heard some people panic.

[steel: Boy, just when I thought the bumping gag was already done.]
[JCM: Some people. We don't need to know who. They're not massively important like musicguy743.]

He chased them down to another part of the beach.

[OMJ: Hopefully the nude part, or would it be the fully clothed part in this universe?]

"Gone..." Massan growled.

[OMJ: So much for them hawk eyes.]

Jjs and Hassan jumped out and attacked him, causing the gem piece to fall out of his pocket, and Jjs snagged it.

[JCM: Hey, Jjs did a useful thing for once. Guess there's a first time for everything.]
[OMJ: So this is what all that rousing character building of having a couple good starts and sea shell collecting with Hassan has built up to.]

"NOO!" Massan said.

"You may be evil, but you are not as smart as me!" said Hassan as he pulled out a wooden sword.

[OMJ: It's still a pretty tough call to make. And I'm assuming he pulled that out of his ass too.]

"I made it using busted wood pieces," winked Hassan.

[sOF: That's the best you can do? I hope those "busted wood pieces" don't fall apart.]
[JCM: Hassan: Scientist, Ninja, Professional Swordsman, and Professional Sword Maker.]
[steel: Yup, all about him.]
[OMJ: If you were as smart as you think you are, you would've made a fully automatic shotgun, MacGyver.]

"So, you wish to face me, eh?" Massan said.

[OMJ: Hasn't he been facing you for the past five minutes already?]
[steel: Short-term memory loss really got to him.]

"Jjs, run with the gem piece!" said Hassan.

[OMJ: So he wanted him to just run around aimlessly with it?]

But Massan pulled out an electric whip and tripped him with it.

"Now, stay or I'll shock you the death," said Massan, laughing.

"Alright..." said Jjs as he held onto the gem piece.

[JCM: You could just run before Massan shocks you, but no, that's too logical.]
[OMJ: I never thought Jjs would write himself to be such a pussy.]
[steel:http://oi53.tinypic.com/1568leo.jpg]

"Don't worry, I got this covered. You ready punk?" said Hassan as he charged forward and their swords clashed.

[OMJ: Jjs could just run right now.]

"A steel sword against a wooden sword, let's see who has the greater advantage!"

[JCM: Wooden Steel.]
[steel: Me obvi.]

said Massan as he began to put more energy into his sword, and it began to push Hassan's down. The two's swords split apart.

[steel: Split apart? Did Massan bend his sword many times before using it or something? I never thought that a "steel sword" could be so easily penetrated.]
[sOF: Is this some parody of Star Wars now?]
[OMJ: Any time now, Jjs.]

"You have a strong resistance," said Massan. "But not strong enough!"

[Massan: Now I am the master!]
[steel: "You guys say some cliche lines, but not cliche enough as mine!]

He attacked him again, and their sword fight continued onto more of the beach, slightly into the water.

[OMJ: Here's to hoping they experience high tide.]

The swords kept clashing, until Massan sliced open Hassan's sword, breaking all of the wooden pieces.

[JCM: And giving them splinters all over their bodies, which they needed reconstructive surgery in order to remove.]

"Oh well..." said Hassan. "Bye!" Hassan said as he began to run.

[OMJ: Not exactly the smart thing, thinking a wooden sword could overpower a steel one.]
[steel: Say goodnight, Massan!]

Massan pulled out his electric whip, but Jjs ran up the wooden stairs and came across a food wagon.

[OMJ: Now he decides to make a run for it, when the distraction ends.]
[JCM: Which was just sitting there. Unattended.]
[steel: Which also came from the same place as that bicycle many episodes ago. At least Jjs is not stealing it.]

"Time to finish you off!" said Massan as he grabbed his legs with it. It slowly shocked him. Jjs pushed the wagon down off the balcony and it crushed Massan.

[OMJ: The amount of anti-climaxes in this chapter.]
[sOF: Remember, food stand merchants. Never leave your stand unattended at a beach in an opposite world, or it will be stolen and used as a weapon against a psychopathic killer. This has been SOF with another PSA.]
[steel: If he's implying the balcony as the lifeguard stand, then I'm surprised he could fit a food cart within his place. Jjs the Lifeguard has done well.]

"Gah, I can't see!" said Massan as he began to roll on the wagon and into the ocean.

[JCM: You were crushed by a wagon and the first thing you complained about was your eyesight and not your broken bones?]
[OMJ: Sounds like he just plopped over it himself instead of it crushing him.]
[steel: Augh, a food cart collision has suddenly made me blind!]
[sOF: Maybe he's too busy looking into the delicious treats inside of it.]

Hassan got dragged with the cart due to the electric whip, but he sliced it open with a rock and it went flying at Massan underwater, causing him to get shocked by from the combination of electric and water. We saw a few bubbles pop up and disappear.

[OMJ: That sounds about as ridiculous as it sounds.]
[steel: Massan went down with a toot.]

"Yeah, I don't think he survived that..." Jjs said.

[JCM: No, getting electrocuted in the water is easy to survive.]
[OMJ: Thank you Captain Obvious.]

"Well at least we have the last gem piece!" said Hassan as he inserted it into his machine.

The two walked away.

[JCM: Into the moonlight as the words "The End" were written onto the screen.]
[steel: Don't forget The NeverEnding Story theme playing during that sequence.]

"Well, I wonder if Massan had anybody else working for him, or if he was working for someone else..." Jjs said.

[JCM: AS THE WORDS "THE END" WERE WRITTEN ONTO THE SCREEN.]

"I doubt it, aside from Jss." Hassan replied.

[OMJ: Speaking of which, what did happen to Jss?]
[steel: Presumed dead from a puny little wooden pole? I doubt that. Oh wait, he probably has...so I couldn't doubt that.]

We see Massan's boss in his liar,

[JCM: Liar, pants on fire.]

looking at TV screens. He looked at the one of Massan drowning.

[OMJ: I thought he got electrocuted?]
[sOF: Well, that's kind of rude. He somehow had the fight recorded and did nothing to save him?]

"Well, well, well....old Massan got sunken, sadly," Massan's boss said.

[sOF: Huh? Do I sense a twist coming on? Maybe I'll finally get my answer...]
[OMJ: *slaps twist* I'm not that kind of guy!]

He turned off the screens and sighed.

[sOF: Oh boy. Get ready folks, for the "shocking twist" we've all been waiting for. Hopefully it's not Woahwoah again.]
[steel: I got my M. Night Shyamalan jokes prepared.]

"But....he was a much better friend than 70s WAS TO ME!" said Massan's boss as he turned around his chair to reveal the face of thesuitelife44.

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]
[OMJ: So you being in 70s right now is just a friends with benefits deal?]
[JCM: Wow, that's surprising! I was sure he was an actual shadow!]
[steel: Alright guys, say with it me.....but seriously, this is quite a surprise, I'd admit.]
[sOF: OMG...wait, who is he again? Oh yeah, that obscure old member most people have forgotten. This twist has me interested in where the lit heads next. It wasn't a bad chapter, even if the fight was a bit over the top. See you all soon.]
[OMJ: Yeah, what SOF originally said before being revised summarizes what this chapter has done to my brains.]

[Metal Snake]

I love the episodes where every riffer is contributing gold. :3

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 1

20. thesuitelife44's Story

Spoiler

20. thesuitelife44's Story

[Jjs: Now this is the story all about how I became the prince of Opposite Bel-Air.]
[Hayden: Let's hope it's better than a Whale's Tale.]
[sOF: Story of my life.]

November 18th, 2009

[Hayden: Wow, pretty eventful day, just scroll down and look here: http://www.datesinhistory.com/nov18.php ]

One night,

[JCM: The night of November 18th, 2009, the date you literally just gave us? You can't be vague about stuff we already know the details about.]

we see thesuitelife on a street.

[sOF: With machine guns ready to go?]
[Trophy: Is it Meth Street, because that's what it feels like. *takes a long sip out of a drink that you don't fucking need to know the name of*]
[Jjs: Please don't tell me this will be a bunch of cheap walk cycles.]
[Hayden: I hope the Suite Life on Street is another spin-off Disney puts out in 10 years where Zack and Cody are living in a gutter.]

"Sigh...why don't they like me?" he asked himself. He has recently gotten into a fight with 70s on the Xat.

[Trophy: Didn't everyone or is that just me arriving way past this happening?]
[Jjs: Knowing Past 70s, suitelife probably said he didn't like Glee.]
[JCM: They probably don't like him because he says actions like "sigh" out loud.]
[Hayden: Naive suitelife, back then, 70s' opinion on people was mandated by law to be everyone else's opinion.]

"Fine then...I've had it with being treated like shit on the SpongeBobCommittee and on TV.com!

[JCM: I'll be treated like shit on the SBCommunity and on TheSBCommunity.com instead!]
[Hayden: "I'll join a new site where people degrade me, then they'll be crawling back in no time!]

I'll just leave!" he yelled as he began to run through the rainy streets.

[Jjs: Don't forget your umbrella!]
[sOF: And your rain coat.]
[Hayden: ]

"I really feel bad for fighting with him," said CF on the Xat.

[Hayden: CF's too mute to get into fights with people. Unless suitelife was offended by her silent treatment.]
[Jjs: Okay, while CF was more active and spoke more in 2009, I still doubt she'd fight anyone. At best, she'd probably just agree with 70s.]
[sOF: Is "him" 70s or suitelife? We don't know whose side CF is on here.]

"I hope he doesn't permanently leave," 70s worried to himself.

[Trophy: Weren't you just fighting it out in the ri- *gets note* Not that kind of fight? I'm out of here, WITH my popcorn!]
[JCM: Because then you'd have to go back to fighting with tvguy, which isn't nearly as exciting.]
[Hayden: 70s showing legitimate concern? More puzzling characterization.]

"Whatever, I've had it with all of his whiny bitching...so..." terminoob said.

[Jjs: Since Metal Snake isn't riffing this one...
]

December 25th, 2009

[Hayden: ]

It had been over a month since the fight.

[JCM: I know. I can do basic math.]
[sOF: Merry Christmas, suitelife!]

Suitelife had not returned to the Xat, TV.com, or SBC (which was dead at the time). It was Christmas, but thesuitelife just didn't feel the same.

[Hayden: Oddly enough, all three are usually somewhat active even on the holiday. But seriously, who dwells on one xat fight for over a month? Get it together kid.]
[Trophy: So he has no friends because of a SpongeBob fansite? What's next logic wise? *a brick falls near my head* Great, just great. *takes another sip out of previously mentioned drink*]
[Jjs: How convenient, suitelife wrote an entire biography for us just like Woahwoah. Not much to say, other than these ATTWL 3/SECC references are getting creepier and creepier. It's as if Past SOF was taking notes from me...]

"What's wrong?" asked his dad.

[Jjs: "Get that gun outta your mouth, boi." Oh great, now Prince Neptune callbacks...]
[JCM: When did these characters have parents?]

"Nothing," he replied.

[sOF: Suitelife has turned into the Magic Conch.]
[Hayden: ]

thesuitelife had gotten a new laptop for Christmas, which just reminded him more of the fight.

[sOF: He only got a laptop for Christmas? Wow, cheap dad.]
[Trophy: LEARN TO LET IT GO ALREADY! AND FOR THOSE THINKING OF A FROZEN REFERENCE... *brings out shotgun* you've got another thing coming for ya.]
[Hayden: I only have one thing to say to you Trophy....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ-jvEd0pDw
*breaks off into a sprint*]
[Jjs: Wow, and here I thought Bikini Top had a holly jolly Christmas.]

April 9th, 2010

[sOF: Skipping 4 months? I hope nothing important happened within that time.]

thesuitelife had noticed SBC was growing in activity from stalking it. He logged on real quick and logged out.

[JCM: I'd like to get a restraining order for thesuitelife.]
[Hayden: People will still now see April 9th as your last login date, sucker.]

"I...just can't return," he said to himself.

[Hayden: Story resolved. He's a pansy. The End.]

He logged out after a few minutes.

[Jjs: How could he log off again if he just logged off before? Unless the loading was taking forever. But for real, was this really worth its own section?]
[sOF: This was a very important section. I'm sure suitelife was just doing a last login check to see if his avatar was an appropriate one to leave on.]

June 21st, 2010

[sOF: Now a two month time skip! Are we riffing Bikini Top again? It'd explain why 70s is in this episode.]

Suitelife had "returned" to SBC for a while. He returned the day after SBC had been changed forever due to terminoob's departure. He was temporarily made a Moderator and he was quite happy again. He posted until mid July

[JCM: SPOILER!]
[Hayden: How desperate was SBC for Moderators? BUT YET I'M STILL OVERLOOKED! HARRUMPH!]
[sOF: While I like how jjs is summarizing SBC's history, I feel like it's a bit under-explained. If suitelife was moaning about them for 6 months, how did he randomly become a mod? Were they promoting him out of pity?]

and had been getting along well. Everybody seemed to have forgotten about the fighting.

[Hayden: I'm sure that after SIX MONTHS people probably would. But that's just me.]
[Jjs: Welp, looks like we can end this...]

After his return, he mysteriously vanished around July 17th or so.

[Jjs: ...or not.]
[Hayden: INGRATE!]

"Suitelife has vanished again..." said a worried tvguy.

[Trophy: Why is everyone worrying when they do absolutely nothing to make them seem like they care in the slightest?]
[sOF: Maybe he's playing hide and seek, and it somehow took him to an opposite world! He's the hide and seek champion!]

"Maybe he is on summer vacation or so," SG suggested.

[Trophy: Starting in mid-July? I don't think so.]
[JCM: Maybe summer vacation and a half, two summer vacations, the point is, he's on something.]
[Hayden: ]

"That's possible, but it feels weird since he just returned." 70s said.

[Jjs: 70s seems very flip-floppy after being the cause behind his leave. Actually, I have to give myself some credit here. This does sound in-character of 2010 70s.]
[Hayden: On again, off again relationships, am I right?]

But...little did they know of what REALLY happened to him.

[Jjs: The Untold Truth of Suitelife44: The Director's Cut Edition.]
[JCM: It's like the original Suitelife, but on a boat.]
[Hayden: That's the point they didn't know and were just spitballing. Nobody said anything concrete about his whereabouts.]
[sOF: Will we get actual answers, or will they get avoided again? If you're expecting a bit of both, you're not too far off.]

July 16th, 2010

[Hayden: We've entered the past! Brace yourselves everybody.]

Thesuitelife was goofing around on TV.com when suddenly he noticed WhaleBlubber was attacking TV.com/SBC.

"Oh no...I've got to stop him!" said Suitelife.

[Hayden: Well, as a Mod on the SBC front, that should not be very difficult....]

He saw Blubber reporting posts of innocent members and banning them.

[Trophy: When was Blubber ever an admin/mod of that site and why did he need to report posts if he could just ban them in the first place?]
[JCM: Banning them with the mod powers he never had.]
[Hayden: Okay, so he was reporting people to get them banned, fair enough, but unlike TV.com, the SBC staff probably would have investigated further. Why not just say he was attacking TV.com instead of lumping them together?]

He jumped at him and tried smiting him.

[sOF: He's going to need a harpoon to smite that.]

"Gah, get off of me you little fuckbag!" said WhaleBlubber.

[Hayden: Here's today's English lesson: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fuckbag ]

"Trust me, I've still held a grudge against you since we had those fights back in 2007," he said as he strangled him.

[sOF: First he jumped at him and now he is strangling him. Do Bruce Lee moves work on internet now? That's one way to fight off trolls, at least.]
[Jjs: Suitelife vs. WhaleBlubber, tonight on Community Deathmatch!


VS.

]

He flicked him off of him and began to shot spam and insults at him.

[JCM: And he apparently shot the "o" off the word "shoot".]

"Oh wait...you were already banned here last summer or so..." Blubber said as he tried to finish him off.

[Hayden: This is being brought up because......?]
[sOF: PLOT HOLE POLICE! So... how is suitelife fighting him (assuming this is on TV.com)?]

"No, it was HaydenAvery's fault due to that incident on the Off-Topic Lounge, but I am here to defend for my friends!" he said as the two fought.

[Jjs: Well Hayden, there's your mention in this lit. I could've elaborated on this incident better, but oh well. Enjoy it while you can.]
[Hayden: I negatively affected an extremely insignificant portion of the master's backstory. GO ME!]

In the end, Blubber one.

[Jjs: PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE!]
[sOF: HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!]
[JCM: *walkie-talkie sound* Blubber One, this is Riffer Two. Blubber One, do you copy?]

Suitelife had failed to defend his friends. WhaleBlubber left him in the dirt.

[Trophy: The one time I go to the bathroom, I miss a fight? *sees above* Never mind, feel free to continue.]
[Hayden: Good thing you're done in there since Suitelife needs a good wash.]
[Jjs: Let's hope suitelife isn't stepped on like ATTWL 3 CD and 70s.]

"Now...to attack those nerds at SBC!" he laughed.

[Trophy: *slaps jjs* WE ARE NOT NERDS! WE PREFER THE TERM: "SOCIOPATHS WHO HAVE NO SOCIAL LIVES" THANK YOU VERY MUCH!]
[Hayden: Weren't you already attacking us at the exact same time as the above?]

Suitelife had vanished for a few days afterwards, thinking of a new invention to destroy WhaleBlubber and defeat him. Sadly, he finished his invention after the attack.

[JCM: SPOILER, SPOILER, SPOILER!]
[Jjs: Well, some progress you made, asshole. Still not sure how this is going to make Suitelife evil...]
[Hayden: Now even Suitelife is building random ass inventions? Is everyone on SBC a talented inventor?]
[sOF: Maybe they are trying to follow in the footsteps of Phineas & Ferb.]

August 7th, 2010

"My invention is finished!" he said proudly.

[Jjs: And apparently WhaleBlubber is stumped with his next plan of attack against SBC.]
[Hayden: ]

It then malfunctioned and began to spark.

"What's going on?!" he panicked.

[Jjs: The three words that sum up the lit.]
[JCM: You shouldn't have let Dee Dee into your laboratory.]
[sOF: Dee Dee, get out of my lab!]
[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4sZVYInlPA ]

He tried to turn the machine off and it ended up sucking him into the portal that wasn't supposed to appear. He ended up in what today is known as "The Opposite World".

[Jjs: I love how WhaleBlubber is indirectly our plot device for everything.]
[Hayden: Oh right, of course WHALEBLUBBER has a major role in this adventure.]

He ended up in a cave, dropping his watch (yes, the same watch Blubber mentioned in 17 that OMJ currently has).

[sOF: ]
[Jjs: Thanks for dumbing it down for us, Mysterious Man In The Parenthesis.]
[MMITP: No problem, gotta assume the viewers can't infer.]
[Hayden: He who possesses the watch has knowledge of how long this chapter has taken to get anywhere.]

He later got lost in the cave, forgetting about his dropped watch.

He then met Faiiiry456, who spared him when he told him everything.

[JCM: Spared him from what? His Irish rage?]
[Hayden: Us Irish are very patient and understanding.]

Thesuitelife couldn't believe he was in an Opposite World from Faiiiry's description.

[Hayden: BELIEVE IT PUNK! *smashes laptop onto the ground* Sorry, force of habit, carry on.]

He traveled around it for months, trying to find a way back, but to not avail.

[Jjs: Sounds like every episode so far.]
[Hayden: Better known as "to no avail" but good on Past Jjs for continuing to try new groundbreaking grammar techniques.]
[sOF: For months? Don't you mean days, unless this lit takes place in 2011?]

"Sigh....maybe this is for the best. I mean..I can tell some people might have disliked me still," he sighed. "Especially 70s.."

[Hayden: The dramatic irony of you building an invention to stop 70s but then being sad 70s dislikes you.]

Just then, a cloaked man appeared while he was sitting on a cliff (who was really Massan).

[Trophy: Hey cloaked guy, lemme tell you how my life was turned upsi- nah, not worth it.]
[Jjs: A cloak suit...are we sure it wasn't Woahwoah instead?]
[Hayden: Well, that'd be one repetitive mystery. Massan's boss is shrouded in secret for a majority of the season, then Massan himself becomes a secret when his boss meets him.]
[sOF: A cliff? Is he trying to get pushed off?]

"I see you are upset young man," Massan/Cloaked Man said.

[JCM: I see you are hating commas cloaked man.]
[Hayden: Cloaked Man would make a great counselor.]

"Yeah...but who are you?" he asked.

[sOF: Don't get too curious, or he may pull out a watch.]

"If you join me...you will soon see," he said as he put his hand out.

[Hayden: ]

He thought about it.

[Jjs: That hand might not be clean, you should think about it.]
[JCM: On one hand, he could be a serial killer. On the other hand, that cloak is really cool.]
[Hayden: Think of how that dad of yours would react if you joined forces with a serial killer that doesn't wash his hands, young man.]

"I'm not too sure..." he said.

"You must join with me...I can help you get back to your world," Massan said.

[Trophy: Which you know about how and also, how do I point this problem out more specifically without spoiling it for the amount in the negatives who still care?]
[Jjs: Come to the dark side. We have cookies!]
[Hayden: Chocolate chip, yes?]
[sOF: It feels like Massan is the master so far instead of Suitelife. Unless "master" means the lowest rank in the opposite world, which would be a disappointing twist.]

"Alright, deal!" suitelife said happily. They shook hands.

[Hayden: Does anyone have hand sanitizer?!]

"How exactly did you get here?" Massan asked.

[JCM: When a mommy suitelife and daddy suitelife love each other very much...]
[Hayden: I thought a hotel gave birth to him.]

"I tried to defeat this troll with a new invention, but it went haywire and teleported me here," he said sadly.

[Hayden: It went HAYwire. Hay-o!]

"You poor thing...follow me to my house and I will give you a place to stay." Massan said.

[Jjs: Remember kids, going into a stranger's house is alright!]
[Hayden: As long as they have chocolate chip cookies, I put the Hayden stamp of approval on this. Never settle for raisin or oatmeal. Peanut butter are passable.]

He followed him to the woods, as the episode faded to black.

[Trophy: Which black? Nightmare black, shaded black, magic marker black? He sure likes to use a ton of them.]
[Hayden: *walks straight into screen* Ow! Confound it! I need to lay down after all this.... *falls on floor and dreams of a series more prominently about himself*]
[JCM: And we never got to find out who that cloaked man was.]
[Jjs: Oh no, now I can't find my seat...

Well, just when it looked like we were getting plot advancement, it slows down again. It feels like I'm trying to advance it without giving away too much, which isn't a bad idea, but it's not done very well. I will warn you guys that the whole last few entries are going to not make much sense later on... You'll see. Don't want to give it away. Let's see how the final 6 episodes go. Speaking of reveals, I still wonder whatever happened to those shady men...]
[sOF: It's nice to separate from the main plot a bit and get some backstory, but it didn't reveal too much. It felt like I was reading an early version of One-Time SB Characters: Where Are They Now? Still, I'm at least interested in seeing what happens next, so the lit is doing something right.]

...

Epilogue:

The two shady men are seen in an ally.

Mysterious Man #1: This is still not over. They are continuing to riff without our control, and we lost jjs.
Mysterious Man #2: No worries, we will get our revenge. We will humiliate him like he humiliated us...

Both took off their outfits to reveal... 70s and thesuitelife44

M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!

[Metal Snake]

I know that I'm reading a good riffing when the line I enjoyed the least was an opinion on cookies I didn't agree with. XD

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 1

21. The Alliance

Spoiler

21. The Alliance

We see Hassan in town with all SBC users.

[Metal Snake: Tarzan see gang all here.]
[Clappy: Guess that means Hassan isn't all SBC users either.]
[Hayden: Did Jjs possess a crush on Hassan or what?]

"So Hassan, can we go back home now?" asked tvguy.

[JCM: Not until you finish your supper, young man!]
[Clappy: Please Hassan, all mighty God of storyline advancement. Tell us what to do next.]
[Hayden: I guess in this story, Hassan was the owner of SBC. Did he rule more fairly than 70s?]

"Yes, the machine is ready to go. But, we need to make sure everyone is here. We can't leave anybody behind." Hassan explained.

[Metal Snake: No man left behind!]
[Halibut: We can leave Whaleblubber behind, if that's okay with you.]
[Hayden: ]

"Also, I heard you killed Massan," 70s said. "At least that is what jjs told me."

[JCM: Massan killed himself with such a terrible idea for a weapon. An electric whip? What is he? Some fetishist physicist? Ha, fetishist physicist. That's fun to say.]
[Halibut: When will 70s ever learn to never trust jjs?]
[Hayden: Yeah, you should have been there 70s, would have been a lot better time spent then twiddling your thumbs and staring off into opposite space.]

"Yeah, you won't have to worry about him anymore." Hassan said.

[Clappy: You'll just have to worry about other vaguely created plot fillers.]
[Hayden: Or Jss since no one mentioned he's dead even though that's apparently presumed at this point in time.]

"Alright, I'll take role," Jjs said. He did so.

[Metal Snake: Take role for...what? Are they going to...roleplay?]
[JCM: And I'll eat a Tootsie Role.]
[Halibut: I'm on fire right now, so I'm gonna have to stop, drop and role.]
[Hayden: This chapter is not on a role.]

In the midst of taking role, we see SOF and GoosebumpsFan.

[Metal Snake: Roleplaying as Phineas and Ferb, I presume.]
[Halibut: Okay, can you at least specify what role he's taking? As far as we're concerned, he's just standing there.]
[Hayden: When do we get to see the other dozen characters during this "role"?]

"Hello Gurgy," SOF said.

"Ugh, stop calling me that," GBF said.

[Clappy: Give these two a sitcom already. SOF as the oddball and Goosey as the stick in the mud. The SpongeOdd Couple.]

"someone is just mad about my opinion," SOF said.

[JCM: My opinion is that this lit was written by the same manatees that write Family Guy. That's not true? TOO BAD. IT'S MY OPINION AND YOU HAVE TO RESPECT IT.]
[Metal Snake: It’s your opinion...that his nickname is Gurgy? What? Got to give jjs credit though, it’s my opinion that that was the most in-character line SOF’s said so far.]
[Hayden: Hold up. SOF has opinions?]

"No I am not, I just know everybody here doesn't like me," GBF said.

"And that is so true," Ex said.

[Metal Snake: Also my opinion that that was Ex’s most in-character line in this lit thus far.]
[Hayden: ]

"Bah, screw it, I am blowing this stand!" he said as he began to run away.

[Clappy: Easy there with the hip young lingo, grandpa.]
[Metal Snake: Not a taco stand, not a popsicle stand, not even a final stand. Just...a stand.]
[Hayden: I'm sure he'll be back tomorrow. ]
[JCM: That's not the only thing he's blowing.

He's also blowing his nose, because it's flu season. What did you think I was going to say?]
[Halibut: Well JCM, I was personally expecting you to say "penis".]

"Gurgy, come back!" SOF said.

[Metal Snake: Wow, no spelling, grammar, capitalization, or even PUNCTUATION errors in that line of SOF’s...I knew it wasn’t going to last…]
[Hayden: This is exactly why you get called Kan now. How karmic.]

"Okay, PLEASE stop calling him that," Ex told SOF.

[JCM: But it's his opinion!!!!!!!!1!]
[sOF: soz]

"Alright, here is who is missing: Old Man Jenkins, WhaleBlubber, GoosebumpsFan, Pakasa43, CDCB and Dragiiin," Jjs said.

[Clappy: Bueller? Bueller?]
[Metal Snake: Oh, I see now they meant role call by role. *coughretrogametranslationcough*]
[Halibut: You forgot something else that is missing: coherence.]
[Hayden: Why are that many of these sheep missing? Everyone's running around with their heads cut off and our villains didn't even have to do anything.]

"CDCB sadly died from Massan, remember?" Steel said.

[JCM: Yes. Sadly.]
[Hayden: Ohhhh Massan. 1j1 doesn't have CD's body in the corner of his basement? .....Wait, what kind of shit friends forget something as significant as a friend's death?]

"Oh yeah, I'll scratch him off the list."

[Clappy: Oh yeah, he died. Move along. People sure take death so well.]
[Metal Snake: Wow. Not even a “Rest in Peace, Boring Version of CDCB.” This lifeless puppet isn’t the jjs I know…]
[Hayden: Better check it twice.]

"Alright, I guess we'll have to hunt them all down," Seb said.

[Clappy: Have no fear, it'll just take another five chapters with how much progression we've been getting lately.]
[Hayden: ]

"Looks like we are having a wild goose chase," Elastic said.

[Metal Snake: Elastic just can’t escape the name puns in this lit, even if they’re directed towards another user.]
[JCM: Yo dawg, I heard you like dogs so we put a dog in your dog and are now in jail for inhumane experiments.]
[Halibut: Hah, get it!? It's a GOOSE chase hahahaha.... that wasn't a very good pun.]
[Hayden: ]

"For Gurgy/Goosey of course," SOF said.

[Clappy: No one says that in real life....guess SOF's character has been written accurately.]
[Metal Snake: Heh heh, imagine saying that in real life. Gurgy Slash Goosey. It sounds like the name of a bad shipping fanfic.]

Meanwhile...

[Hayden: ]
[Clappy: God, these cut sequences are so forced.]

We see Goosey running in the woods.

[Metal Snake: As opposed to running in the 90s.]
[JCM: Some guy misspells your name, so you storm off in a huff and run blindly into a forest. Okay, drama queen.]

"Hello? Anybody here? Perhaps someone Phineas & Fer-"

[Clappy: Ah yes, animated cartoon characters will totally break the fourth wall and come to save the day. Maybe next time, you'll ask for SpongeBob and friends to breathe on land to save the Krabby Patty formula...]
[Hayden: ]

He was cut off when he found an old house. (which was Massan's)

[Metal Snake: Suspense? Pfft. Who cares about that?]
[Hayden: I guess it's free for anybody to live in now.]

"Oohh! I wonder if Phineas & Ferb live here?" he asked himself.

[JCM: That's not a question?]
[Clappy: Even I know they live in Danville, not Blandville. *rimshot*]
[Metal Snake: I don’t think even hardcore escapists would just assume that they’d find their favorite fictional characters in a random old house in a forest…]
[Halibut: Well to be fair, this is an opposite universe. If Phineas and Ferb don't exist in this world, then they have GOT to exist in that universe.]

Without thinking, he ran inside the house, busting down the door.

[Metal Snake: Why is it so easy to bust down doors in this world? What, do door hinges not exist in this world? Or are all the doors in this world made of cardboard?]
[JCM: Good thing you're breaking into that guy's home because you think cartoon characters live there. It'll be great for your insanity plea.]
[Hayden: Doesn't justify breaking and entering. TIME TO THROW THE BOOK AT GURGY.]

We see thesuitelife digging through some stuff of Massan's and he turns around.

[Clappy: Some stuff....some stuff...for all we know he could be digging through Massan's hidden porn collection. Elaboration. Something this spin-off direly lacks.]

"Oh! Hello there...?" thesuitelife said.

"Hello! Are you Phineas? Or Ferb? Eh, you look like more of a Ferb to me." GBF said.

[Clappy: ....Who the hell actually talks like this? In what universe (parallel or linear) do people consider this as an ice breaker?]
[Metal Snake: ...Uuuuuhhhhh...the joke?! I don’t get it! Is it that he thinks thesuitelife looks...womanly because...Ferb was much more of an...orderly gentleman character than Phineas? Seriously, I have watched some of Phineas and Ferb, and I do not understand the in-joke here…]
[JCM: Even if you aren't Ferb, he can just say you are because it's his opinion.]
[Hayden: Someone put this dipshit in a straitjacket already.]

"Phineas & Ferb you say? I always loved that show..before I came here," thesuitelife said.

[Clappy: ...just stop it. I know this is going to lead some un-clever instance where thesuitelife is going to threaten to kill Goosey...]
[Hayden: Catch "Act Your Age" February 9th at 8:30 only on Disney XD.]
[Metal Snake: “The version they have of it in this world is pretty terrible. In every episode, Phineas and Ferb’s inventions go horribly wrong, and it annoys their sister to the point where she decides to go somewhere else and do something with her day, while their pet Perry is an evil spy trying to stop a scientist from creating things to help save the world! Pure schlock, I tell you.”]

"What are you doing way out in these woods?" asked GBF.

"Well...a henchmen of mine died and I..oh screw it, prepare to die!" thesuitelife said as he pulled out a gun.

[JCM: It's nice to meet you, too.]
[Hayden: You could have just not mentioned the henchmen thing and claimed it was your house. Nahhhhh, too clever for our lead antagonist to think of.]
[Clappy: LMAO! I didn't even scroll down because I knew this poor filler was just going to lead to such an obvious set up. Oh exposition. You never let me down.]
[Metal Snake: Exposition, exposition, fuck it, go trigg. er. happy.]
[Halibut: Let's see, he said to prepare. Well, I've got the snacks taken care of.]

"Whoa, whoa whoa! Please spare me!

[Halibut: Whoa man, take it easy. This place does not have a Batman cup.]
[Metal Snake: “This new violent form of exposition is like, too much for my brain, man.”]

I know I am a noob and all of you SBC folk hate me, but-"

[Clappy: But this lack of motivation in my speech is giving you zero reason to not kill me.]
[JCM: Y'all SBC folk sure don't take kindly to my kind, do y'all? *spits into a trashcan*]

"SBC you say...?" thesuitelife said as he put down his gun.

[Hayden: Yes, since you transported him here, I think you know fully well he's from SBC?]

"My name is GoosebumpsFan," he said, scared.

[Metal Snake: Don’t you mean, “he said, getting goosebumps.”? Perfect opportunity for a name pun wasted…]

"I slightly remember you, but you said you aren't treated well by them?" he asked.

[JCM: No, he said they hate them. They treat him fine, but he knows in his heart that they hate them because of the rational thinking that led him into the house of an armed man.]

"They really hate me, especially SpongeOddFan," he said.

[Metal Snake: Yeah, I could feel his deepest contempt for you as he...tried to find you and bring you to safety? O_O]
[Hayden: SOF is not opinionated enough to do anything other than get a little pissy from time to time.]
[Halibut: I bet you make SOF re-Gurgy-tate, don't you?]

"They treated me like shit too. Join forces with me, and I can get you your revenge!" thesuitelife said.

[Clappy: I'm sorry, but what the actual hell? Even in parody, thesuitelife was an overdramatic little twat who constantly thought the worst of everyone and that he was a wanted man to be mocked...so this actually sounds just like him to think revenge. Move along.]

"Sure!" said Goosey as he shook his hand without even thinking.

[Metal Snake: Hehe, what, did he fall for the old Hand Buzzer trick?]
[Hayden: "Without even thinking" describes everything he does.]

"What a fool..." thesuitelife said to himself.

[JCM: You probably shouldn't say that out loud when the person you're talking about is inches away from you.]
[Thesuitelife: You can’t beat the classics…]

We see Hassan, Jjs and Steel looking for Dragiiin.

"Drag, where are you?" asked Hassan. "Come on, this is serious."

[Clappy: As serious as Hassan's importance to this story of stating the obvious.]
[Halibut: You're going to need a Dragiiin snack to lure him, or in other words, emote spam.]

We see Dragiiin at music.com, spamming it up.

[Metal Snake: SPAM SITES EVERY DAY!]
[JCM: At least we aren't being served a heaping helping of emoticon porn like the last time Drag "spammed" a place up.]
[Hayden: At least that guy's not a Drag like the rest of you.]

"Alright, get out of here spammer!" said the owner, who banned him.

[Clappy: Before I threaten to kick you and demote you from member to guest.]

We see Dragiiin outside, and he is grabbed by 70s.

[Metal Snake: Geez, just give 70s a backstory where he’s every SBC user’s adoptive father at this point. That would at least make him a relatively interesting character…]

"Where were you? Jjs, Steel and Hassan are looking for you," he said.

[JCM: But you weren't? What were doing outside music.com? Admiring the scenery?]
[70s: I told you to be back by 4, they have dinner waiting, you know.]

They later came back.

[Clappy: Well geez, that was quick.]
[Halibut: The locations in this world must be small as hell.]

"No lu-Oh there he is," Hassan said.

[Metal Snake: ...No lu-Oh? What was he going to say before he interrupted himself?! No lulz? That wouldn’t even make sense! What, is Hassan secretly a member of the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo?]

"I decided to spam music.com for the lulz," he said.

[Clappy: For the lulz...so that explains why you are such a poorly written character?]
[JCM: They should just leave Drag in that universe. He seems to enjoy it.]

"Alright, but we need to stick together before we can get back," Jjs said.

[Metal Snake: Thank you for establishing what we already drummed into our heads after the beginning of the chapter, Duller and More Wooden Than One of Al Gore’s Worn Out Pencils!Jjs. I’ll give jjs credit though for at least not making himself the hero of this lit, unlike someone who apparently took notes from this...]

"Alright, we have no clue where OMJ or Blubber are, but Pakasa should be around here somewhere," 70s said.

[Hayden: Filler. Filler. Filler. Filler. Was a game of hide and seek really necessary to prolong the length of this? Enough. Grab me when it's over.]

"I saw Goosey run off into the woods," SOF said.

[JCM: That would have been useful to mention when they started their "wild goose chase".]
[Halibut: *Gurgy.]

"Whatever, I don't care about him at the moment," Hassan said.

[Clappy: Well, didn't you just assign yourself to find every SBC member? You are doing a great job, oh fearless leader, that you can toss aside your agenda. Dick.]
[sOF: What if he’s getting mauled by a bear though? He could be dying…]
[Hassan: ]
[Metal Snake: Just make Squall the mascot of this lit already, gosh…]

We see Pakasa43 strolling around the hills.

[Metal Snake: Now you’re trolling me, I was just kidding when I described SBManiac and Mechawave as “just strollin’”...]
[Halibut: Why the hell would people just stroll off on their own into this unknown world? I guess since Pakasa sounds so much like a rejected Pokemon, he wishes to actually be one by going off into the wild.]

"Hey, is that them down there?" he said as he walked down to them.

[JCM: No, they're just a figment of your imagination. Lay off the weed.]

"Alright, there's Pakasa."

[Metal Snake: Wha...who…]

"Glad I found you guys," he said.

[Clappy: Well geez, I wish my transitions were that simple. I want this story to be over.

*waits*

The end. LIFE ISN'T THAT EASY.]

We see Goosey and thesuitelife.

[JCM: Neither of whom Hassan cares about.]
[Metal Snake: The hell?! The progression of that scene made no sense! If only Pakasa was there by the hills, who was “them”? Pakasa and the cast of the show, The Hills? Also, what’s up with the editing here? We just cut back to the villains RIGHT AFTER the scene with no transition? Did the story glitch up?!]
[Halibut: I guess since Pakasa isn't a real Pokemon, none of their Pokeballs could work to catch him, so the story went glitchy as fuck.]

"So, how did you end up here? Like the rest of us?" Goose asked.

"No, totally different," thesuitelife said as he explained his story.

[Metal Snake: Some stories are better left untold. Unexplained, on the other hand…]

"You poor thing, I can understand why you want revenge on them," he said.

[Clappy: Why can't we learn his story so we can understand why he wants revenge? Well thanks, Past Jjs. That was a big FU to your readers.]
[JCM: I read his story and I still don't understand why he wants revenge. It's not SBC's fault he sucks at inventing.]
[Hayden: Isn't WhaleBlubber the only person he should have a grudge against?]

"Yes, and we'd make a great team to take them down!" he said. "My past allies failed to do so, but with some training I can make you a killing machine," he said.

[Metal Snake: IT’S ALL ABOUT THE HE SAID, SHE SAID, BULLSHIT. Seriously, so much “he said” in this lit. And I hope thesuitelife didn’t mean an Arianna training montage by training. I’m hoping he meant to turn Goosebumps into a Terminator model by “make you a killing machine”.]

Both of them laugh,

[Hayden: Gurgy is not making Phineas and Ferb very proud right now...]

and the scene cuts back to town.

[Clappy: Narrator learned Cut. It was super effective.]

We see Faiiiry456 appear.

[Metal Snake: “The waiter showed up.”]

"Lookin for that old fellow eh?" asked Faiiiry.

[JCM: He left the comfort of his cave to help strangers look for some guy he barely knows? Okay, then.]
[Clappy: Old Fellow Eh for OMJ's temporary username after this chapter please.]

"You mean Old Man Jenkins?" asked 70s.

[Halibut: Well, who else could he be talking about, dumbass.]

"Yah, he got taken away in some portal with a whale guy and some punk guy," he said.

[Metal Snake: HE WAS A PUNK! HE WAS A WHALE! CAN I MAKE IT ANY MORE OBVIOUS?!]
[Hayden: Pretty ordinary day for this guy.]

"You mean Blubber?" Hassan asked.

[JCM: No, he means Flubber.]
[Hayden: ]

"Ah...Blubber and someone else must have taken my machine before, and OMJ countered the two, and ended up being teleported back to SBC.." Hassan explained.

[Clappy: Wow, oh wow, Hassan. You are super impressive. It's like Jjs wrote you with the intention to cover up any sort of plot holes. You are officially God.]
[Hayden: .......This should have been easy to tell several chapters ago. He stole your convenient device that magically transports people and then suddenly all three go missing. I WONDER WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED HURRR DURRRRR?????]

"Exactly like that," Faiiiry456 said.

[Metal Snake: ...Did jjs write this expository dialogue this way for a joke, or is this sloppy writing...trying to cover for sloppy writing from earlier?]
[inconsistency Police Officer: I thought Faiiiry456 was knocked out, or at least had his head in the wall while all that crap was going on. How does he have such a detailed memory of it?]

"Oh no! WhaleBlubber is on SBC!" teenj panicked.

[Clappy: How does teenj know this? Does he have SBC pulled up out of his ass to check on updates?]
[Hayden: ]

"We'll worry about it when we get back," 70s said.

[Metal Snake: Said the guy who honestly acknowledged Whaleblubber as a threat back when this was written…]
[Hayden: OF COURSE 70s isn't concerned. *wink wink*]

"At least we know where OMJ is," Jjs said.

[JCM: Based on the hearsay of a leprechaun.]

"I'll scratch him and Blubber off the list. Now, the only one left is Goose." Hassan said.

[Clappy: Ah, so now you care about Goosey after just mentioning a few lines back that you didn't have time to worry about him. You truly are the chosen one.]
[Hayden: Hassan forgot to add "punk guy" to the list or even cross him off. Though to be fair, I don't remember that sidekick of WhaleBlubber's name either.]
[Hassan: I feel like I visually drew a line through two people’s names on a list of three people in my mind, leaving one remaining.]
[Metal Snake: For the astral realm’s sake, JUST. E. MMMOOOOOTTTTTEEE!!!]

"I can go without him, so no thanks," Wumbo said.

[Clappy: Thank you for that spammy yet somewhat unnecessary post.]
[JCM: Is being a douche to Goosey a competitive sport now?]
[Halibut: If it is, Hassan is the MVP so far.]
[Hayden: Well, Goosey hasn't done much in this story for Wumbo's feelings to not feel justified if the message is that Goosey is being mistreated.]

"I know, but it'd be rather harsh, and we can't leave anybody behind," 70s said.

[Metal Snake: Yeah, rather harsh. Especially considering what happens later…]
[Hayden: What's so dire about bringing everyone back? Has he been separated from his parents too due to this?]

"Alright, fine. Jjs, Steel and I will look for him this time, since we didn't get to find Dragiiin fairly,"

[Clappy: What other ways were they suppose to find him? Complicated?]
[Metal Snake: “We used a code to cheat and get him earlier than when we were supposed to in the story, which is why he’s vanished from the group now.” This story is officially confirmed to be a video game.]

Hassan said as the three began to explore the woods, where SOF said he had fled too. But then we see Jss watching them from a tree..

[Metal Snake: Yup...and so my riffing for SBCPU Season 1 ends. On a lulzy and hastily written cliffhanger. Overall, rereading this lit nowadays was...an interesting experience. I think most of us can still agree that this was a pretty good story for the time it came out. However, it’s not aged well at all. It’s no Storm Racers. It may be a “classic lit”, but that alone does not redeem its flaws (the corny dialogue, lulzy typos, and goofy inconsistencies), especially not the ones that hurt the enjoyment factor of it (the underdeveloped characters and the RUSHED storytelling). There’s still some magic surrounding it that can make it fun to read, but as a whole, the story just feels outdated, silly, and really shows that Jjs was still growing as a writer back then. Not bad, but not one of his best works, and definitely not one of the best lits ever written. I wish the others the best of luck on the last 5 episodes.]
[Clappy: I don't know why, but this chapter made me hate Hassan even though I have no real recollection of him period. If this chapter was any sort of implication as to how realistic Hassan was like, he sure comes off as a dick. But of course, people of the world will still defend this for not being that bad. No. This chapter was just flat out bad and I'm not impressed with what I've been reading from SBCPU. Sure, it's had some chapters that were decent and this is honestly not the worst thing I've seen riffed on here. But this story has not aged well in the past three years or so. I don't doubt Jjs as a writer because he has written some good works in the past and in the present. I just hope this finishes strongly because now I see why this faded from my memory banks.]
[JCM: I agree with what Clappy said about Hassan. He's supposed to be the hero, but he isn't likable at all, which hurts his and SBCPU's integrity. At this point, though, there aren't really any characters I like. They all seem dull and have little personality, kind of like the characters in ATTWL 3. I was a noob when I first read this, so I wasn't able to compare the depictions of the members to the members themselves, but now that I can, I see all the characters, including jjs', as hollow shells of the members they're based on. This probably could have been fixed if only a few members were transported to this universe instead of all of them, because that would have given more time to each character for development. This has the foundations for a good lit, and even in 2011, jjs had the writing talent to make it one, but all the characters and all the stuff that was going on pretty much ensured that the writing would be off the wall and the characters unlikable.]
[Halibut: Yeah, I had little to add because everyone else summed it up fine. I really hope something interesting happens within the next 5 episodes, but honestly, part of me feels it's going to be underwhelming.]
[Hayden: I'm too burnt out to write a huge paragraph like the rest of you. Bye everybody.]

[Metal Snake]

I wish the others the best of luck on the last 5 episodes.]

 

Lol, I didn't write that, but thanks for putting that in anyways. I do mean it. XD It was nice to see what everyone had to say at the end. Hayden's critique was my favorite for obvious reasons.

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 1

 

22. Get Jss

Spoiler

22. Get Jss

 

[OMJ: I am gonna get Jss.  ]

[Hayden:  ]

 

Steel, Hassan and Jjs walked through the forest.

 

[OMJ: ...Scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head?]

[Hayden: 3 characters actually doing something. What a record. But I guess I can deal with it if it means no more hide and seek chapters.]

 

"Ugh, I hope Goosey isn't pulling a prank, because I don't find it funny at all," Steel said.

 

[OMJ: At least the Steel here also doesn't have a sense of humor. This lit might just get that Spinny back!]

[Hayden: He ran away upset, clearly this is all an elaborate prank because people don't have feelings.]

 

Just then, Jss appeared in front of Jjs, Steel and Hassan.

 

[OMJ: So he does have teleportation? Well, that sure would've came in handy three chapters ago!]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"Jss! I thought you were gone?" asked Hassan.

 

[Hassan: I swore it was scientifically proven that that wooden pole should have crushed you to death! Eventually.]

[Hayden: Hassan should have whipped up a device to check his pulse.]

 

"You may have defeated Massan, but I am not done yet!" he laughed as he pulled out his sword.

 

[OMJ: Well, it sure wouldn't be SBCPU *holds nose* without a goddamn sword or two.]

[Hayden: You seem really devastated over the loss of Massan's life.]

 

"Oh no! He is going to cut my head off!" Steel panicked as he bowed to his knees.

 

[OMJ: Jjs, you're definitely getting that Spinny back.]

[Hayden: That's not the only part he'll cut off.....]

 

"And you all still fear me, good," Jss said.

 

[OMJ: Since when did Steel's opinion accounted for everyone?]

[Hayden: I guess Jss gets off on people being afraid of his ugly face?]

 

"Well, we're going to stop you once and for all!" Jjs said.

 

[Jjs: We'll just need a couple more wooden poles, and swords. I like swords.]

[Hayden: Could it be? A righteous hero besides Hassan stepping up to the plate?]

 

"Really now? Good luck with that!" he laughed as he jumped away into the trees.

 

[OMJ: Don't you mean bad luck? But be quick, they could easily double those trees for some wooden poles as long as Hassan's ass is around.]

[Hayden:  ]

 

He then met up with thesuitelife and Goosey.

 

"They're coming for Goosey, boss." Jss said to thesuitelife.

 

[OMJ: I sure hope Jss is getting some good pay and benefits by working for all these bosses. Then again, it is the opposite world, Muppets don't exist here. So why should healthcare.]

[Hayden: This guy just doesn't know how to be his own man. Exact opposite of Jjs indeed.]

 

"Good, and we'll lure them into the trap. Jss, lure them to the cliff," thesuitelife commanded.

 

[OMJ: Are they actually thinking about juking them at the cliff? Oh well, if the good ole ejector floor tile can happen in this universe...]

[Hayden: I just realized, what is he going to do about all the other SBC users even if he kills these three? Actually, they'd probably just stand still while he killed them all.]

 

"Yes, my lord," Jss said as he walked away.

 

[Hayden:  ]

[OMJ: Gonna call him Daddy next?]

 

"And we'll be waiting there," Goosey said as he was making buleprints for something.

 

[OMJ: If he can't even get the word "blueprints" right, I highly doubt whatever's on these buleprints will even work right.]

[Hayden: Does the Dumbest Band of Villains Award go to this group or WhaleBlubber's?]

 

"What's that?" asked thesuitelife.

 

"It's a plan for a model of a rocket to help us all get out of here, Phineas & Ferb style!" Goosey proudly said.

 

Suitelife moaned to himself.

 

[OMJ: Did that turn him on or something?]

[Hayden: The three m's. Moaning, masturbation, and mutilation.]

 

"Goosey, Goosey?" Steel yelled.

 

[OMJ: Reading this in Eeyore's voice makes it funnier.]

[Hayden: Duck, duck, duck, duck....GOOSEY!]

 

"Here let me try," Hassan said. "Hey Goosey, where the fuck are you? Get off your ass of Phineas & Ferb and get the fuck over here now."

 

[OMJ: The only thing I got out of that was that his ass is made of Phineas & Ferb. It damn sure would explain the ridiculous shit spouting out of it.]

[Hayden: That didn't even sound slightly like the Hassan we've come to know in this.]

 

"Harsh, but it'll work," Jjs said.

 

[Hayden:  ]

 

Nothing happened.

 

[OMJ: Yes, much like this story majority of the time.]

[Hayden: *glares at Jjs* 

 ]

 

"Honestly, we should live that kid here," Hassan said.

 

[OMJ: Honestly, Jjs should proofread his own stuff before proof reading SOF's.]

[Hayden: Obviously Hassan meant they should let that kid live there. See? THEY DO CARE.]

 

"Well, I have no comment here," Steel said.

 

[OMJ: I sure hope you still have your tail, Steelyore, you could use it to substitute for a lil' something something.]

[Hayden: Now Steel is the new Crushing?]

 

Jss appeared again, with eletricity shooting from his hands.

 

"Prepare to die!" Jss yelled.

 

[OMJ: Yeah, if you don't burn the entire forest down first, ya jerk.]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"Ugh, leave us alone," Steel said.

 

[steel: You living cockblock.]

[Hayden: *You LEAVING cockblock. Get it right. >:/ ]

 

Jss threw an electricity ball at Steel, but he dodged.

 

[Hayden:  ]

 

"I know where your friend is, but you'll have to catch me to find him!" Jss laughed as he jumped away.

 

[OMJ: Tease.]

 

Meanwhile..

 

We see Goosey on the cliff, in a cage.

 

"You're using me as bait?" Goosey asked.

 

[Hayden: See how equal this partnership is? Oh wait, of course you don't.]

 

"Yeah, but don't say anything about our alliance. Let them rescue you, and then Jss and I will finish them off!" Suitelife laughed as he locked the cage.

 

He then hid in a bush.

 

[OMJ: Just lay out some Reese's Pieces for them too while you're still hot. I'm sure it'd be more appealing to them than Gurgy anyway.]

[Hayden: *places Snickers in the cage but Gurgy eats it* Well, now he's definitely screwed....]

 

Jss was chased by Steel, Hassan and Jjs, shooting balls of fire and electricity at him.

 

[OMJ: So they're firebenders too all of a sudden?]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"Ugh, how does he never get tired?" Steel asked.

 

[OMJ: Maybe he's really the Energizer Bunny.]

[Hayden: Maybe he's actually a robot, which is where all the fire and electricity are coming from.]

 

They eventually came to the cliff.

 

[OMJ: Before having to change their pants.]

[Hayden: I doubt the cliff appreciated that.]

 

"So, we're on an island in the Opposite World?" Jjs asked.

 

[OMJ: So does that make the SBC in our world the entire North American continent?]

[Hayden: Talk about this story walking a fine line of egocentrism.....]

 

"Indeed you are, fools!" Jss said as he showed them the cage with Goosey in it.

 

"Guys, help!" Goose demanded.

 

[OMJ: Well if you're gonna phrase it that way, then fuck you after all.]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"I knew something was up," Steel said.

 

[OMJ: That's good to know, Steelyore.]

[Hayden: Steel deserves a medal for that foresight tbh.]

 

"Now, let him go!" Hassan demanded.

 

[OMJ: About five minutes ago, you could've cared less. Now you seem to be the most passionate about getting him back. Pick a damn side of the coin, Two-Face.]

[Hayden: Hassan's back to his hero shtick now that all the eyes are on him.]

 

"You'll have to defeat me first!" Jss taunted as he pulled out his sword.

 

[OMJ: What's the point of even putting it away already?]

[Hayden: In a friendly game of Go Fish, I presume?]

 

Steel picked up a rock and threw it hard at Jss' armor, causing a small crack in the front.

 

[OMJ: Some armor. I guess Hassan and AOF just didn't threw their kicks hard enough. Weaksauce.]

[Hayden: Not even going to call this illogical. Steel would know a thing or two about armor considering he makes it.]

 

"Gah, you annoying little brats, that caused a vibration and crack in my armor!" Jss complained.

 

[OMJ: Giggity.]

[Hayden:  ]

 

He then charged at them, and jabbed his sword at the tree instead.

 

[OMJ: This must mean Jjs has the best eyesight in the world.]

[Hayden: *tree falls down on Jss and "kills" him*]

 

"Hmm, maybe it is best if I stay here actually..." suitelife said as he stayed put.

 

[OMJ: Sums up practically everybody in this lit.]

[Hayden: *stays put in chair* Maybe it's best if I stop riffing now....]

 

"I have an idea," Steel said.

 

[OMJ:  

 

Steel had an idea!]

 

"Don't do anything stupid," Jjs said.

 

[OMJ: Maybe you should proofread his idea, just in case.]

 

Steel taunted Jss, and made him charge at the tree. His sword got stuck, and Steel quickly grabbed his sword.

 

[OMJ: Well, that was easy.]

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YmMNpbFjp0 ]

 

"Fool! Even my own sword can't break through my armor!" Jss laughed.

 

[Jss: Believe me, I've tried.]

[Hayden: What does Mr. "Can Do It All" need with a sword anyways?]

 

Steel then quickly jabbed the sword through the crack in his armor.

 

Goosey and thesuitelife gasped, and so did everyone else.

 

[suitelife & Goosey: GASP!  ]

[OMJ: Those gasping nerds are right, that was way out of line!]

[Hayden: I think they're all gasping at Steel doing something badass. Very uncommon.]

 

"No....Noooo....NOOO!" Jss yelled as he fell backward off the cliff, and into the ocean.

 

[Hayden:  ]

 

He drowned, just like Massan did.

 

[OMJ: Whatever, I'm not even gonna mention the electrocution- D'OH!!]

[Hayden: Maybe someone should have taught him to swim before they taught him how to control the elements.]

 

"How come he wasn't bleeding?" Steel asked, curious.

 

[OMJ: You just killed a man, and you're wondering where the blood is at? Well, there's four more people right there to carve right into, you psycho.]

[Hayden: SBCPU is a family friendly show that can't show blood.....or half its characters.]

 

"I guess opposites' blood are invisible," Jjs said.

 

[Hayden: Fine, let's go with that.]

[OMJ: Or y'know, maybe they just plain don't have any at all.]

 

They rescued Goosey from the cage.

 

[OMJ: But would soon find out that their Goosey is at another cliff. How's that for an actual cliffhanger.]

 

Thesuitelife was angry, and he fled into the woods without being seen.

 

[OMJ: Must've been some bush he was hiding in, or maybe it was Aya's. Neptune knows how many times I got lost in it.]

[Hayden: Well, men tend to have a lot of hair down there OMJ.]

 

"Well, we're ready to go home," Hassan said.

 

"I can't think you guys enough!" Goosey lied, knowing suitelife's other trick up his sleeve.

 

[Goosey:  ]

[Hayden: He can't think about them enough? Weirdo.]

 

They headed back.

 

"You did pretty good Steel," Jjs said.

 

"Indeed." Steel said.

 

[OMJ: Just watch some Sym-Bionic Titan and jerk each other off already. Wait, so this was Steel's turn to have a lil' character building adventure with Hassan? I sure wish everyone else could have a chance to develop something close to a personality with Hassan. Hell, I wish he came back for real so that he could bring the absolute best out of us all! We need a guy like him who is willing to push us past the limits that we all make for ourselves and help us grow the balls to take the sword out of life's hands and just jab it right back into em when it matters most. And if it isn't bleeding, then you're obviously doing something wrong with your life. I see the moral here, Jjs, I gotchu!]

[Hayden:  THANKS FOR COMING OUT EVERYBODY!]

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 1

 

23. thesuitelife44's Story II: The Dark Side

Spoiler

23. thesuitelife44's Story II: The Dark Side
 
[Jjs: Now this is the story all about how I joined the dark side...]
[JCM: A sequel? SBCPU is selling out, man.]
[sOF: Next we'll have thesuitelife44's Story III: Rise of the Planet of the Opposites.]

Suitelife followed Massan to an old house in the woods.
 
[Jjs: I've got some yummy treats for you...]

"Welcome to your real home," Massan said.
 
[JCM: The home suitelife grew up in was nothing but a poser.]
[Trophy: But I left that, with my real parents as well, like 6 months ago or something.]

 

"I hope you don't treat me like the others did," suitelife said.
 
[Jjs: Yeah, how dare they make you a Mod on SBC and welcome you back with open arms after a fight. How insensitive.]

[sOF: I agree, jjs. How rude of some people.]

"I won't. Speaking of which, I will help you get your revenge," Massan laughed.
 
[JCM: He laughed out the words? That sounds awkward.]

"I don't want to kill anybody!" Suitelife said.
 
[JCM: Murder's not the only form of revenge, you know. Just the most convenient.]
[sOF: Suite Life in Jail: The edgy, uncensored spin-off, coming to Disney After Dark.]

"Oh, you won't kill, but I will teach you to fight and to get revenge for how they treated you like shit," Massan said.
 

[Trophy: I think you forgot to listen to the anti-bullying videos in school.]

[Jjs: I am seriously confused. How did they treat him like shit? I thought suitelife got over the petty fight. Also, how does Massan just know suitelife's entire backstory, unless we had important exposition off-screen? But I guess this chapter isn't worth nitpicking too much anyways, because...you'll see.]

"Just like karate, sure," Suitelife replied.
 
[Jjs: Only without a sponge and a squirrel.]
[JCM: And without any actual karate.]

"Now then, I will teach you the art of the darkness," Massan said, pulling out his electric whip.

 

[Trophy: JOIN THE MASSAN DOJO! GET A FREE ELECTRIC WHIP WHEN JOINING!]

 

"I am ready!" Suitelife said.
 

[Trophy: I'M READY-EDY-EDY-EDY-READY TO TRY AND NOT GET THE CATCHPHRASE RUINED UNINTENTIONALLY HERE!]

[Jjs: There's a terrible thought going through my head right now about this scene, but it may be offensive, so I'm just moving on.]

Massan slapped the whip at him,
 
[JCM: "Wait, I lied! I'm not ready! Oh, my balls!"]
[Jjs: WELL YOU'RE NOT HELPING!]
 
and he dodged many times.
 
[Jjs: Suitelife used Dodge! It was super effective! Too bad it didn't work very well for Avatardude...]

"Very good defense..BUT THINK FAST!" Massan yelled as he shot the whip, but suitelife blocked it off with his elbow.
 

[Trophy: Do the Logic Police need to change the conclusions division to the laws of physics or is the opposite world finally becoming more opposite? *starts to float away* HEY!]

[Jjs: These evasions of weapons are bringing more creepy callbacks to ATTWL 3. It could be worse, though. Massan could have shot suitelife in the elbow after he dodged.]

[sOF: Yeah, I don't really know what else to say about these ATTWL 3 references. o_O I guess you can call them strange coincidences, like a lot of things in this lit so far.]
[JCM: Why did he think his elbow would protect him? Are his elbows made of solid rock?]

"Very good...very good.." Massan laughed.
 
[Jjs: Is Massan Darth Sidious?]
[sOF: Darth Massan.]

 

"Boy do I want revenge now!" Thesuitelife said.
 
[JCM: You can use your magic elbows to bash people's heads in.]

"Good...let the anger flow through..." Massan laughed. "But we have much more training to do. Jss! GBGD!"
 
[Jjs: GBGD...oh yeah, that guy.]
 
Jss came in, and so did GBGD.
 
[JCM: They were just standing outside this entire time because why not.]
 
"Wait a minute...Jss sounds like jjsthekid," Suitelife said.
 
[Jjs: Crazy talk. I assume it sounded like ssj4gogita4!]
[sOF:  ]

 

"You are in an opposite world boy," Massan explained to him.
 
[Jjs: I see you still hate commas boy.]

"Wow, I can't believe it," he replied.
 
[JCM: I can't believe his memory is so short that he forgot he already learned he was in opposite world from Faiiiry456.]
[sOF: He seems to be taking this reveal pretty well either way.]

"Now, take those two out!" Massan commanded.

 

[Trophy: Out to what, dinner? If so, I can only imagine it being this restaurant...

]

 

Jss and GBGD aimed first, but thesuitelife dodged.
 
[JCM: Dodged what? Their evil eyes?]

"Not so fast!" GBGD yelled, but thesuitelife kicked him in the stomach.

 

[Trophy: Must... not... make Pokemon references.]

 

Jss pulled out his sword, and thesuitelife used a chair as his defense.
 
[Jjs: So that's why Jss hates that chair so much from Episode 15.]
[sOF: How dare that chair get in the way of Jss' beautiful sword!]

"A true warrior uses the simplest weapons in his time of need," Massan commented.
 
[JCM: Like an electric whip.]
[sOF: Massan seems to have a tough time deciding on if he wants to sound like Yoda or Sidious. Though to be fair, the dark side's cookies are tempting.]

Suitelife dodged, and punched him in the face.
 
[Trophy: Punched who? Massan? Why would suitelife punch Massan, unless he meant Jss? Either way, Vagueness Police.]

[suitelife: You know what, fuck this? I've had ENOUGH! *runs up and punches Jss/Massan (take your pick) in the face*]

 

"Ohh, that is gonna he leave a mark," Jss said as he fell to the ground.
 
[Grammar Police: Did you mean: that is gonna leave a mark]

[Trophy: WHO FELL, JSS OR MASSAN? I STILL CAN'T TELL WHO WAS PUNCHED!]

"Now...for the final part of your training, suitelife," Massan smirked. "Defeat me in battle!"

[Trophy: Yeah, I'm skipping this.]

 

[JCM: That is the longest hyperlink ever.]

[Jjs: Where did the random Pirates of the Caribbean (don't ask...) music come from? Oh wow...now Bikini Top callbacks. Great, just great.]
[sOF: Maybe suitelife and his buddies become pirates, hence the background music and swords.]

They went into a forest area, and Jss let suitelife use his sword. Massan pulled out his electric whip.

"No need to get nervous, but I won't be too easy either," Massan said.

"I-I'm fine!" Suitelife reassured.

[JCM: Yeah, you'll have to work if you want to bed this guy.]

 

"GO!" GBGD yelled.

 

[JCM: GBGD's eager to see some sword-on-whip action. That makes one of us.]

The two began to fight.

 

Massan slapped his whip and suitelife dodged.

"You are a skilled dodger," Massan commented.

 

[JCM: I feel like slapping an electric whip would hurt.]
 
[Jjs: Suitelife must have been a pro in dodgeball.]

Suitelife charged with the sword, and clashed with the electric whip.

Massan wrapped the whip around the sword, and pulled it out of thesuitelife's hands.

[Jjs: So seriously, is this Star Wars now or...?]

Massan had two weapons now.

 

[JCM: That line is important for the readers who can't count.]

"Take this!" Massan yelled as he combined the sword and whip together to make it an electric sword.

 

[JCM: How does that even work.]

[sOF: The same way an electric whip can go through someone's stomach. But seriously, just make them lightsabers while you're at it.]

He launched thunderbolts at him from the sword.
 
[Jjs: So now he's a Lightningbender?]
[sOF: Massan used Thunderbolt!]

Suitelife tripped.
 
[Jjs: And fell off the cliff, as he sank to Davy Jones' Locker. It'd explain the background music, at least.]

"Help!" Suitelife yelled.

"Do you give up?" Massan wondered.

 

[JCM: Have you fallen but cannot get up? You should have gotten Life Alert.]

[SOF: 

]

 

Thesuitelife saw a rock.
 
[Jjs: It's not just a boulder, it's a rock...a rock!]
[SOF: What, is he going to turn that into a sword, too?]

"No!" he yelled as he threw the rock at the sword, putting a dent in it and giving a shock to Massan.

[JCM: Because logic.]

[SOF: I'm not even sure what to say here. I can't even think of a joke...move on.]

 

"Very good boy," Massan said as he fell to the ground.

"Now finish me!" Massan yelled.

Suitelife couldn't, so he dropped the sword to the ground.

 

"We have an outcome," Jss said as he picked up his sword.

[JCM: Yes. We know there's an outcome. We just saw it.]

"Suitelife is the winner!" GBGD yelled.

 

[sOF: He won Total Opposite Island!]

 

"Very good, and for resisting to finish me off...welcome to our gang, leader," Massan said.
 
[Jjs: Hmm, I wonder if I italicized the word, my readers will figure it out? They are too stupid to put two and two together, obviously.]

[JCM: You made him your leader because he showed weakness? Alright, then.]

 
Jss and GBGD cheered.

 

[sOF: 

]

 

"What is your first command, master?" Massan asked.

 

[Jjs: First, I want an adult-sized Krabby Patty.]

[sOF: Then we make them eat dirt!]

 

"Get revenge on SBC!" Suitelife declared.
 

[JCM: I would have asked for ice cream, but revenge is nice, too.]

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[sOF: ...Oh yeah, that too.]

 

And so, Massan began to work on the devices to bring the SBC users to the opposite world.
 
[Jjs: Seriously, you guys actually liked this lit?]

[Trophy: My eyes couldn't pick out the grammatical flaws, and I didn't understand "quality" to be honest.]

[sOF: At first, I really liked this lit when it had its run. Now, looking back...eh, it's an okay lit, but I agree it's definitely not jjs' best work, IMO. I don't know why we needed another vague chapter on suitelife's past, and while this "explained' how he met Massan, it still felt under-explained and filler. I remember the last 3 eps of S1 were pretty important, so expect some big stuff, folks.]

Edited April 20, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 1

 

24. Goosey's Secret

Spoiler

24. Goosey's Secret

 

[sOF: You're bald?!]

We see Goosey, Hassan, Steel and Jjs return.
 
[JCM: Return to where? Neverland?]

"We can head home!" Hassan declared.

 

[steel: HOLD ON WE'RE GOING- no I'm not making that joke.]

Just then, Goosey vanished...again.
 
[JCM: Someone really needs to put a leash on him.]
[Halibut: For fuck's sake Goosey, stop doing your little magic tricks.]

[sOF: Next he'll pull a goose out of a hat.]

[steel: It's been one of those days....]
 
"I am going to kill that fucking noob," Ex raged.

 

[sOF: That's the Ex I know!]

"Gurgy is pissing me off, I will find him," SOF declared.
 
[Trophy: You want to be pissed off?]
[JCM: That comma splice is pissing me off.]
 
"SOF, come back!" 70s yelled, but it was too late.

 

[steel: Run for the hills, SOF!] 

[sOF: Baby come back-Nope.]
[Trophy: So I can't leave because those words were said?]
[Producer: Yup.]
[Trophy: ...*shoots gun*]
 
We see Goosey talking to thesuitelife.

"Goosey, it is time to destroy SBC!" Suitelife laughed.
 
[JCM: *snores* I'll destroy SBC later, mom.]

"Wait, destroy?! I just wanted them to respect me, I didn't want to kill them!" Goosey pleaded.
 

[steel: I'm surprised at the lack of forced Phineas and Ferb from that statement.]
[Trophy: KILL THEM, WE DESERVE IT FOR BEING ASSHOLES TO EVERYONE!]
 
"According to your past, they mocked you and taunted you, don't you think that is revenge-worthy?" Suitelife questioned.
 
[JCM: Yeah, I murder people for making fun of me all the time.]

"I guess..." Goosey sighed.

 

[Goosey: Yeah I guess, it's not like it's just the internet or anything.] 
[Halibut: Goosey, don't do it! You don't wanna go to hell, there aren't any cookies for Patrick to eat down there!]
 
"Well, I can find another one to form an alliance with," Suitelife told him.

[JCM: Considering everyone else you formed an alliance with is dead now, I doubt you'll find many takers.]

[suitelife: Since everyone else is gone, I'm going to ask my imaginary friend.]

"I am sorry sir," Goosey said.
 
[Halibut: I see that Goosey has no form of vertebrae in his body.]
 
We see SOF looking through the bushes.

 

[sOF:  ]

[steel: I forget, are we at suitelife's lair, or the jungle? Specify!]
[JCM: The bushes...in front of that place...that was never actually mentioned.]

"Looks like Gurgy formed an alliance with someone...hm.." SOF said to himself.
 
[Trophy: SOMEONE DID NOT EXIST BACK THEN, STOP WITH THIS FETISH!]
 
Thesuitelife looked over into the bushes.
 

[sOF: Why is everyone obsessed with hiding and looking in the bushes? Do they have booster seats or something?]

"Is someone there?" Suitelife said.
 

[steel: Weh weh wehhhhhh.]
[JCM: Just your friendly neighborhood stalker.]

"Uh oh," SOF said. He tried to escape, but a gun was shot by Suitelife.
 
[Trophy: Where was it shot at? Who gives a damn?]
[sOF: RIP SOF?]

SOF revealed himself.
 
[JCM: SOF! This is a family show!]
[Trophy:  ]
[Halibut: SOF confirmed as sex offender.]

[sOF: Here I am! Now let's do it.]
[sOF: Oh, I'm still alive. I can call off the mourners at least, heh.]

"Ugh, SOF. Go away, I don't want to talk to you," Goosey said.

"You look familiar...are you SpongeOddFan?" Suitelife asked.
 
[JCM: No, "SOF" stands for "Smelly Old Fish". Don't get too close.]

"Wait, what is going on?" SOF asked. "Gurgy, you teamed up with the bad guy?"
 
[Trophy: Can I just kill SOF already?]
 
"Yes I did, and stop calling me that," Goosey replied.
 
[Trophy: Goosebumpsfan, you're on the GOOD side though.]
[steel: He could go on all day. "NO I WON'T GURGY. GURGY GURGY GURGY GURGY. GREAT BALLS OF GURGY. BAA BAA BLACK GURGY DO YOU HAVE ANY GURGY. IN THE TIME OF CHIMPANZEES I WAS A GURGY." Yeah, I'm done.]

"You look familiar...that one user who vanished from SBC?" SOF asked. "The...the..su..thesuitelife44!"
 
[Halibut: I get that this show isn't meant to be very realistic, but for God's sake please fucking learn each other's real names.]
[JCM: Smelly Old Fish, Suitelife. Suitelife, Smelly Old Fish.]

[steel: Whoa there, Porky.]
[sOF: L-looks lik-like I'm-I'm gonna-gonna hear-he-hear a thing from Po-po-porky Pig's lawyers t-too!]

"You are a smart one,
 
[Trophy: I thought that was AOF.]
[sOF: So am I Brain now, and Goosey is Pinky? I smell a sitcom!]

but you won't live to tell the tale," Suitelife laughed. "Goosey, show you are loyal to me, by destroying this spy!"
 
[JCM: Can't you just say "kill" like normal people?]

[steel: Because "kill" wouldn't be appropriate enough for a situation pertaining to the internet. DOHOHO.]

[Halibut: Looks like Suitelife is a movie super villain.]
 
"Ugh, I knew Gurgy couldn't be trushed," SOF said.
 
[Trophy: THERE'S THE SOF WE KNOW AND LOVE!]

[Halibut: Maybe he couldn't be trushed, but he could easily be trashed, and so could half of the characters in this world.]

 
"STOP CALLING ME GURGY!" Goosey said, annoyed.

 

[sOF: OKAY GURGY.]

[steel: Yeah, don't make me do a Gurgy Counter!]
[JCM: It's your fault for being gurgy.]

"Thesuitelife, why are you evil?" SOF asked.
 
[Halibut: It's official. E.V.I.L. is just Suitelife in disguise. Omair is a pretty good cover name for him.]
 
"Evil? Ha! Evil would be the word for you jerks!" Suitelife said.
 
[Trophy: THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING ME!]

[steel: You made E.V.I.L. sad.]

Goosey tackled SOF.
 
[spongeBob: WHOO, FOOTBALL!]
[JCM: SOF returns the tackle for a touchdown! I think! I don't watch football!]

[steel: Alright SOF, finish it off with false swipe!]
 
"Ugh, get off of me noob," SOF said. He punched Goosey in the stomach.
 
[Halibut: Noob? We might as well add "360 noscope headshot 420 #blazeit" to SOF's vocabulary.]

"Alright, that hurt!" Goosey exclaimed.
 
[JCM: Thanks for telling us. We would have assumed it didn't hurt otherwise,]

Goosey punched SOF in the face, while SOF kicked him in the knee.

 

[steel: Nerd fight!]
[sOF: Looks like it's me vs. Goosey tonight on Community Deathmatch!]

In the midst of the fighting, Suitelife pressed a button on some remote.

[Halibut: Such descriptive writing.]

[sOF: Did he activate a plot device?]

[steel: Can you tone down the fighting? I need to watch the sports channel!]
 
"It is time...for a new revolution!" Suitelife laughed.

[Trophy: You didn't do this to begin with because?]
[Halibut: VIVA LA SBC!]
[JCM: The old revolution was so passé.]

[steel: 

]

We see a bunch of Opposites in the Town Square, and their eyes turned red. They revealed they were robots!

 

[Halibut: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Trophy: SKIPPING AGAIN!]

[steel: Since when did this lit turn into a Creepypasta? Might as well play Lavender Town over the background while I'm at it.]
[sOF: What's with the random tvtropes link? Was this the show's attempt at a commercial?]

 

"Uhh guys...why do the opposites have guns and weapons pointed at us?" Elastic asked.
 

[steel: And now they have weapons out of nowhere? Could have mentioned that earlier.]
[JCM: It's a mating ritual.]
[sOF: In the opposite world, pointing a gun at someone is a sign of welcoming.]

"DIE!" AOF yelled as he launched a missile.

 

"NO! Not AOF!" Elastic panicked.

 

[steel: "I thought what we had was s-!" ah forget it.]
[Trophy: I'll do it: 

]

 

"So...the opposites were fakes?" tvguy asked.

 

[sOF:  ]

"It appears so," Hassan said as he punched FC and disabled her.
 
[JCM: She was a bitch, anyway.]
[Halibut: I love how their conversations are written to sound really casual even though a bunch of robots are trying to kill them.]

"So...ALL of them were evil.." Jjs said.

 

[steel: Really? I couldn't tell from their lack of Nutella and Squidiam monologues.]

"YOU WILL SURRENDER TO THESUITELIFE'S DEMAND," Familyguyfa said.
 
[JCM: WHAT IS THAT DEMAND? I DON'T KNOW.]

"Thesuitelife...? That can't be..." 70s said.

The Robo-Opposites began to destroy the town out of rage, but SBC users fought back. Many were destroyed, and the buildings were getting burned down. No SBC users were harmed though.

 

[steel: Welcome to the apocalypse.]
[Trophy: Wait, many users were destroyed, yet not hurt? Logic Police need a COMPREHENSION DEPARTMENT TOO?]
 
Meanwhile, we continue back to
 
[JCM: The gargantuan link.]
 
Goosey and SOF's fight.

 

[steel: It's time for you to walk the plank, Gurgy!]
[sOF: Hooray, more Bikini Top Pirates of the Caribbean background music!]

"Goosey, you betrayed SBC!" SOF yelled as he punched him in the nose.

 

[spongeBob: Ohh, my nose!]

"I know, and I don't care, you guys never respected me!" Goosey replied. He pressed a button on his arm, which made him turn invisible.

 

[JCM: Once he's done with the fight, he's taking a trip to the girl's locker room.]

 

"Let me guess, Phineas & Ferb reference?" SOF asked, as he tried to find him.

"Nope, suitelife gave me this cool tech stuff to take you jerks down," Goosey said.

 

[sOF: Just make suitelife Doof at this point.]

SOF heard where he said that, and he punched him in the stomach. Goosey fought back, by kicking him in the arm.

 

[steel: Steel Sponge, on February 14, 2015 - "Nerd fight!"]

[JCM: No! Not the arm!]

 

"I cannot see you...but I can smell a traitor and a noob," SOF mocked.
 

[sOF: Traitors and noobs must smell very bad then.]

"You shouldn't be talking," Goosey replied, and SOF kicked him.

"Excellent idea, I will make insults toward Gurgy so I can know where he is," SOF said to himself.

 

[JCM: "Less excellent idea. I'll say my plan out loud so Gurgy can hear me."]

[Gurgy Counter: Lost count.]

 

"Grow Up Timmy Turner rocked!" SOF said.

 

[JCM: That insult is an insult to insults everywhere.]

 

"Ugh, no it didn't, it sucked donkey balls." Goosey replied; he got smacked by SOF.

 

[sOF: OH, SMACK ME!]

For one last time, SOF then heard Goosey step on a branch, and punched him to the ground. SOF managed to grab the device on his arm, and broke it. Goosey was no longer invisible.

 

"PLEASE STOP!" Goosey cried. "I'll do anything..."

 

[JCM: Or...anyone?]

[sOF: Oh thank goodness, no more hyperlinks. At least he made that stop.]

 

"You still betrayed us and insulted us Gurgy, and I am tired of you causing fights," SOF said one last time, and kicked Goosey down the hill,

 

[steel: So much for pleading for mercy. Way to be forgiving, Lit!SOF.]

[JCM: what hill]

[sOF: This whole fight felt like a Peter vs. Chicken fight from Family Guy, except not as drawn out and somehow more over the top.]

[Trophy: ...WEAKEST, CLIMAX, EVER! I WOULD'VE HAD BLOOD AND THE WINNER ONLY BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ALMOST DYING AND BEING FORCED TO GIVE UP DUE TO A THIRD PARTY! I'M OUTTA HERE! *Producer gets back up only to be shot a second time*]
[Halibut: This is how I imagine Goosey rolling down the hill.
 ]

 

and into the Town Square, where opposite robots were firing lasers and weapons.

 

[steel: Of course.]

 

"SOF! Goosey?" tvguy exclaimed.

The crowd of SBC users looked at the two, and Goosey who was beat up.

 

[JCM: The two and Goosey? Is there a third guy I don't know about?]

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: The crowd of SBC users looked at the two. Goosey, one of which, was beat up.]

 

"I...give up SOF. You win," Goosey sighed.

 

[sOF: A winrar is me.]

 

"You guys, Gurgy was working with *thesuitelife44* who is now evil," SOF exclaimed.

[Halibut: NOW evil? Did you just turn evil once he pressed the button?]
 
The crowd gasped in shock.

 

[steel: 

]

[sOF:  ]

 

"So..those robots were right," Steel said, as he defended one off.

 

[JCM: He defended it off with his super-powerful defending powers.]

 

"So Goosey, you decided to betray us?" 70s asked. "I am sick of you, you are now banished from SBC. I...can't believe this. I tried sticking up for you in the past, but this happens. Go back to SBM when we get home, because you wasted my god damn time. Dare come back to SBC? You'll be banned faster than one of Blubber's accounts," 70s ranted.

 

[sOF: Take it easy there, Calvin Wiseau.]

[steel: I HAT YOU! STOP BEING ANNOYING!]
[Halibut: You're in a parallel universe where you can see him physically in person, 70s. Beat him up or something.]
 
"How was I wasting your time?" Goosey asked.

 

[steel: Shots fired.]

[JCM: By going on a long, boring ra-no, that was 70s.]

 

"I had the device ready for ages, and you were the reason we couldn't go back," Hassan sai , annoyed.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: said]

 

"Y'know Goosey, I actually liked you up until now," Steel said. "Grow up, I suppose."
 

[steel: Is the rest of this chunk of this chapter going to be SBC members calling out a seemingly fictional Goosebumspfan?]
[Halibut: I don't know if this is meant to be in character or just horrible, horrible writing.]
 
"Well, I WILL RULE THE OPPOSITE WORLD THEN!" Goosey laughed, with a Doof voice.

 

[sOF: 

]

[JCM: Good opposite luck with that.]

[steel: Never mind, that's already over. Hooray for embarrassing myself.]

 

Just then, we heard someone yell "FOOL!" and thesuitelife came flying out of the woods, and kicked Goosey in the face, breaking the weapons on him.

[Halibut: The poor FOOL! didn't realize that thesuitelife hates it when people laugh in a Doof voice.]

[steel:  ]

 

Goosey got back up and saw Suitelife.

"Did you REALLY think I was going to let a noob like you rule alongside me?" Suitelife asked.

 

[sOF: Looks like suitelife took a page out of the Book of SOF for badass insults.]

 

"You...just used me," Goosey said. "To get rid of me and SOF."

 

[JCM: He used you by doing absolutely nothing with you.]

[steel: Honestly, I'm starting to feel bad for Lit!Goosey, and to think he's one of the bad-doers. He gets tricked and simply wants some respect. He even pleads for mercy, and doesn't get any.]

[sOF: So basically it was another friends with benefits relationship? Suitelife is a true player.]

 

"No Goosey you idiot..he used you to get rid of all of us," SOF said.
 
[Trophy: Since he was tricked, me, 70s, and the Asshole Police let him back.]
 
"Took you long enough to figure it out, and not to mention this isn't a real Opposite World," thesuitelife laughed, as he turned off all of the Opposite Robots. "We're on an island somewhere in the Caribbean."
 

[JCM: So thesuitelife44 stories were lies? Now they're even more pointless than I thought.]

[Halibut: Once again, ahem...
WHAT A TWIST!]

[steel: No wonder "He's a Pirate" was playing during this ep.]
[sOF: Robots on an island... did jjs also predict Pahkitew Island? o_O]

"I am so mind-fucked right now," Ex said.

 

[sOF: This chapter in a nutshell.]
[Trophy: Ex, stop stealing my lines before I kill you as well.]

[steel: Truer words have never been said.]

"It was all faked with special effects. Those black holes were just GIF images I hacked into the site. You see, I programmed Massan to make devices to teleport you all to this island. Being sucked into your computer? Again, special effects. All for my revenge against 70s and anybody else."

 
[Halibut: Wait, but if you teleported them to an island, then that really isn't special effects, is it? This episode got confusing on so many levels, it's kind of making love it.]

[JCM: Suitelife must be better at special effects than James Cameron if he could convince people they were getting sucked into their own computers.]

[sOF: I bet it was the 3D glasses.]

"But...why did you never tell us? How did you know of newer users' personalities?" 70s asked.

 

"Because, I found this island after we had that fight. I somehow had Internet connection on this island, so I stalked SBC daily. I made robot opposites based off users' personalities by skimming their posts. I spent months building this "world" and constructing robots. All cleverly planned for my revenge," Suitelife explained.

 
[Halibut: Where did you have the resources on an island to make a shit-ton of robots and a holographic world?]
[sOF: Wow, that island in the middle of nowhere sure must have some damn good wi-fi.]

 

Everyone gasped in shock..again.
 

[sOF: Does everyone have a shortness of breath or something? That was a strange episode. Not sure how to feel about the twists. The robot twist feels very disappointing IMO, but hopefully they come together better at the end. The fight with me and Goosey was over the top, but kind of lulzy though, so it's something.]

[steel: That was an interesting episode, I'll admit. Yet also filled with some flaws. Can't wait to see how the rest was like before I give out my final thoughts.]
[suitelife: Yeah, I also left my real life as well.]
[Trophy: Also, this is where the backstories as I mentioned earlier start to become contradicted.]
[Halibut: This episode was so poorly written, it made it kind of amazing. It's probably my favorite episode of this season for the sheer fact that this episode fucked my mind with it's weird twists.]

[JCM: This is my last riff of the season, so I should probably do some kind of overview. This isn't as good as I thought it was when I was 15, but I didn't expect it to be. It was written four years ago, and as anyone who's been here since 2011 knows, a lot can change in four years. This probably was one of the better written lits when it first came out, but our standards when it comes to these things are so much higher now that it's easy to find and point out SBCPU's flaws. That doesn't mean I respect it any less, though. I enjoyed it while I read it, and I'm sure a lot of other members did, too. In fact, I referenced this in my own lit by making my evil twin an Avatar fan. But I digress. SBCPU is alright, a product of its time, but alright, and it's a shame it doesn't have another season to riff.

 

Wait, it does? Oh sh-]

[Metal Snake]

Really good riffs. Also...

 

[steel: Honestly, I'm starting to feel bad for Lit!Goosey, and to think he's one of the bad-doers. He gets tricked and simply wants some respect. He even pleads for mercy, and doesn't get any.]

 

Yeah, I definitely see where Steel is coming from here. The fatal problem with this incarnation of Goosey is that the lit NEVER decides whether he's a truly evil villain you're supposed to hate, or a good guy under the surface you're supposed to feel sorry for in the end.

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 1

25. Rumble on SBC

Spoiler

25. Rumble on SBC

[Jjs: Looks like we're headed to the Royal Rumble, SBC style.]
[OMJ: I already know Roman Reigns is gonna win. ]
[sOF: Battle Royale: SBC Style.]
[Hayden:

*reads previous episode* Lmao, the opposites were seriously robots? Another thing successfully predicted by the Hayster.]

"This can't be," Steel said.

[Jjs: At least he didn't know it, but couldn't believe it.]
[Hayden: Oh Steel, anything's possible on Bullshit Writing Island.]

"Oh but it is!" Suitelife laughed.

[suitelife: "Oh but I am!"]
[Hayden: ]

"Ugh, why suitelife? Why couldn't we just work things out?" 70s asked.

[Jjs: Yeah, I thought even friends with benefits had something special.]
[OMJ: Don't act so surprised. He was in you this entire time.]
[Hayden: Because it made a hell of a lot more sense to go to these lengths, quiet 70s.]

"You had a chance and you ignored it, now all of you get off my island," Suitelife commanded.

[OMJ: So much for the whole killing them thing.]
[sOF: GET THE FUCK OFF MY ISLAND!]
[Jjs: But don't forget some souvenirs on the way back, like our CDCB and Avatardude suits!]
[Hayden: What nonexistence chance was this that 70s apparently ignored?]
[steel: Nobody wins in suitelife's Total Drama Island.]

"I have no problem with that," Steel replied.

[OMJ: Vintage Steel.]
[Hayden: But really, he teleported them all to his island...to tell them to get off his island?
]
[steel: What an ending, fellas.]

Hassan opened the portal from his device back to SBC, and everybody went through it. It closed, and suitelife laughed.

[Jjs: I should be complaining about how abrupt this was, but I'm honestly happy we finally did something we should've done a long time ago.]
[Hayden: Hopefully they didn't leave random member #303 behind.]
[OMJ: Story's over now? Can I like peace out, yo?]

"But..this isn't over," Suitelife said.

[OMJ: Fuck.]
[steel: Oh wait, this is still going...]

He then secretly snuck through the portal before it closed.

[Jjs: INCONSISTENCY POLICE! The line outright above said it closed, so how did it close a second time?! Does suitelife suddenly have ATTWL 3 70s and CDCB's time freezing powers?!]
[OMJ: Well, if he could make a device that makes someone invisible and can get wi-fi on a presumably uncharted island, I guess anything is fucking possible in the Caribbean universe.]
[Hayden: So what tropical island is SBC located on?]

Everyone was back on SBC, and OMJ gasped as he saw everyone.

[steel: So basically, everyone was in the same room. I'm just going to make the assumption that some of the members are getting themselves trampled on.]
[Jjs: Holy shit, so you guys weren't dead after all. Time to call off the mourners.]
[OMJ: What? Interrupted your daily wank?]

"It can't be...is it really you guys?" OMJ asked.

[OMJ: "As he messily tucked it back in his pants."]
[Hayden: No, they're hologram robot duplicates created by thesuitelife.]
[sOF: No, they're just trippy hallucinations. OMJ being alone for so long made him depressed and made him go crazy to the point where he hallucinated the returns of the SBCers. That'd be a true tearjerker ending.]
[suitelife: "Oh, but it is!]

"You bet your lucky ass," Elastic said.

[sOF: That's the Elastic I know!]
[Jjs: Luck sure seems to be a reoccurring thing in this lit. Hold on... did 70s steal this line from me for the last BT episode?]
[OMJ: "You bet your bad ass." is what he meant to say.]
[Hayden: This story can go...
]

They explained to him what happened.

[Jjs: Yep. Just like that.]
[sOF: At least they didn't take an hour like 70s did.]
[OMJ: I wouldn't wanna go through the pain of hearing all of that again either, unfortunately for me right here.]
[Hayden:

]

"Suitelife44, eh? Never heard of him, but he sounds like one devious bastard," OMJ said. "I kept all of your seats warmed, and kicked some troll ass."

[OMJ: I wouldn't say calling the police is necessarily "kicking ass", but you at least got some good licks in.]
[Jjs: While at least OMJ sounds pretty in-character here, can I ask Mr. Badass something? What exactly was he doing while SBC was a ghost town?]
[OMJ: I think I answered that above.]
[Hayden: My seat's kind of chilly actually, you prick.]
[steel: Mine's red hot.]

"Thanks again for the help," 70s said.

"Anytime, I'd always defend for a site I am on," OMJ said.

[Jjs: OMJ is SBC's Knight now it seems.]
[OMJ: Haha. Tell that to the Refuge, bub.]
[sOF: Crushing is already the "Defender of SBC", so maybe OMJ and Crushing can form a Batman and Robin duo.]
[Hayden: Yes, how noble, but he still isn't our saint Hassan.]

Meanwhile...

[Hayden: ]

We see Goosey running around on SBM, and he was being chased by thesuitelife and his robot minions. They launched lasers at him, and he tried dodging. He kept ruining.

[Jjs: Yeah, keep "ruining" SBM there pal.]
[OMJ: Well if he keeps dodging the lasers like that, they're bound to hit something else.]
[sOF: I like how nobody on SBM is responding to this violent attack with a bunch of robots and flying lasers everywhere. You can call them lazy, but you can't deny they are peaceful.]
[Hayden: When did either of them arrive at SBM? Follow up question, why is Goosey our villain's main priority?]
[steel: "SPRINTING, I JUST GOTTA KEEP SPRINTING!" (Lolwow Steel, didn't you just use that joke a long while back?)]

He then tripped, and fell against the Shoutbox.

[OMJ: Everybody shouting inside must've kept them from noticing.]

"YOU FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME GOOSEY!" Suitelife yelled, as he held a sword to his neck.

[Hayden: Also the first time, but you know, consistent details, right?]
[Jjs: It wouldn't be OMJ's last Season 1 ep without a sword either. But seriously, what do you mean last time? You met him four episodes ago and act as if he has been your bitch forever.]
[OMJ: Swords aside, but didn't he just fucking betray Gurgy during the last episode? He kicked him in the face and broke the weapons that he, himself, gave Gurgy! In that case, he pretty much set him up for failure.]
[steel: Pretty much what OMJ has said, so I don't know why suitelife would keep bothering with the person that he already lost as an acquaintance.]
[sOF: Maybe suitelife is just speaking in backwards opposite language. "Last" means "first" on the Caribbean island.]

"Damn, you guys are fast, but please spare me! I know you used me, and I feel like shit,

[Hayden: Re-gurgy-tated shit?]
[Jjs: So it's an abusive relationship now.]
[OMJ: Whoa there, Tommy Wiseau.]
[steel: Suitelife and his robots confirmed as Sonic the Hedgehog.]

but I can take down SBC...give me one more chance," Goosey pleaded.

[OMJ: Yes, continue working with the guy who used you like a tampon.]
[steel: So he just wanted respect and now he wants to wreck SBC?]

"Hmm....fine," Suitelife said, as he put down his sword and let him go.

[OMJ: Yes, shove that used tampon right back up there.]

"Thanks boss," Goosey said. "I just know how I will take them down.."

[Jjs: With a Phineas & Ferb takeover?]
[sOF: He's going to tackle us!]
[Hayden:

]
[OMJ: So he's gonna try and take over the Tri-State area?]
[steel: More like the Tri-State area...of the internet.]

We see all of the SBC users back on SBC, celebrating with a party in Parties.

[OMJ: Thanks for that heads up. I would've thought they were on TV.com getting their ban on.]
[Hayden: So Parties isn't a sub forum for political parties?]
[sOF: It's a good thing it was clarified they were partying in a parties forum, or I would've assumed it was a night club.]
[steel: It feels so good to be back on SBC to have a party in a Parties forum!]

"Feels good to be home, but what about suitelife?" Clappy asked.

[Clappy: What about my character building adventure with Hassan? ]
[steel: Aside from Deck, it's not having reruns anymore, that's for sure.]

"Whatever,

[Jjs: Since Metal Snake isn't riffing this one again...
]

I doubt he'll do it again knowing we can teleport back with Hassan's device," 70s said.

[OMJ: Hassan's ass would intimidate too after reading this story.]
[sOF: 70s really loves to shrug everything off. What if he's been impersonating suitelife the whole time???]
[Hayden: Not like he could just keep teleporting you back until he successfully destroyed that device and kept you stuck their forever. Sure, he went to all this trouble, but I'm sure he's just prepared to back down despite all evidence pointing towards a psychopathic undying grudge.]

"You're not nervous that he wanted revenge on you this whole time?" Clappy asked.

"No comment, I'd rather not discuss this at the moment," 70s said.

[OMJ: If worse comes to worse, he could just escape to his Glee forum and leave us out to dry.]
[Hayden: Just as responsible as you'd expect an adult with a wife and kids to be.]

Just then, a bunch of spears were thrown everywhere.

"What the fuck is going on?" 70s asked.

[Jjs: This should be the lit's catchphrase at this point.]
[Hayden: I bet it has nothing to do with the predicament you were just in 5 seconds ago.]
[OMJ: Sorry, it's a Hawaiian thing.]
[steel: Hunting season?]
[sOF: Uh oh, looks like it's SBC user hunting season at that.]

"Mwa ha ha...you guys thought you could get rid of me...BUT YOU WERE WRONG!" a mysterious voice yelled.

[Jjs: Plot twist: Mysterious Voice is the true mastermind behind everything.]
[Hayden: Don't jinx it mysterious voice, still plenty of time for them to ditch your ass properly if you're just going to shoot spears at them which never hit.]
[OMJ: Then Master Hand here is revealed to really be a puppet controlled by Tabuu.]

"Blubber, is that you?" OMJ asked.

[steel: One could imagine Blubber's prison breakout.]
[sOF: Shh Steel, it's not Season 2 yet...oh crap, now I spoiled it.]

We then saw a bunch of SBM users.

[OMJ: So they were Blubber this whole time! We should've known.]
[Hayden: Not more random users to remember! *jumps through wall*]

"Okay, that is not Blubber," SOF said.

[Jjs: Nah, maybe they are all WhaleBlubber's minions in disguise. Wouldn't that be a twist?]
[steel: If so, then they must have descended from SpongeBlubber Mania.]

The SBM users cleared the path, and Goosey appeared.

"It is I, Goosebumpsfan!" Goosey yelled.

[Hayden: A talking tampon with its own name? How ridiculous is this lit going to get?]

"Ugh, go away Gurgy," SOF said.

[steel: Definitely called that line.]
[OMJ: Took the words right out of my mouth.]
[Hayden: SOF is such an uncaring asshole about the Gurgy thing though. I guess it's an SOF trademark for him to be oblivious to the fact that he's not helping matters.]

"It is time for my revenge against you guys!" Goosey laughed.

[OMJ: Thanks for the heads up, I would've thought this was a party on SBC in the Parties section.]

"Goosey, stop being a fucking prick and grow up," 70s said. "You're banished from here, and we've had it with you."

[70s: Do you want me to get Hassan's ass in here?]
[Hayden: You reap what you sow 70s.]

"CHARGE!" Goosey yelled.

[Jjs: FOR DANVILLIA!!!]
[Hayden: FOR SEASON 5!!!!!!!]
[steel:

Sorry, couldn't resist.]

A storm of SBM users began to invade the party, and they threw spears at everything.

[Jjs: Swords, electric whips, and now spears! Such dangerous weapons just won't stay away from this lit! It's a good thing this wasn't on 4Kids, or they would've replaced them all with jelly doughnuts.]
[Hayden: Everything? What was left un-speared? Do they know a guy that can supply them with billions of spears in an instant?]
[OMJ: More like their Fred's and all the other memes they have there that I can't stand.]
[steel: For today's forecast, we have a storm ahead with a 100% chance of SBM users with spears.]

A massive civil war between SBC and SBM members broke out.

[sOF: So this is what World War III will be about.]
[OMJ: Unless this is a civil war within the entire SpongeBob fandom itself, I don't really get how it's considered a civil war here. But with it being 2011, you can't have an SBC lit without some good ole SBC-SBM drama. Jjs really tried his damnedest to fit in as much fuck in this cluster as he could.]
[Hayden: What exactly even prompted this from the SBM members? At least give us some backstory or explanation here, bro. Even suitelife44 and Goosey have motivations albeit how horrendously trivial their gripes are.]
[steel: You call recurrent spear throwing "civil"?]

We see Goosey on some SBM truck, laughing.

[Jjs:

]
[OMJ: Giving the medieval weaponry being used, I suppose it would've been too farfetched to have a tank.]
[Hayden: Is anyone on SBM in 2011 even old enough to drive a truck?]
[steel: How come we don't have a truck?]

"This will show you guys what I can do!" Goosey laughed. "And suitelife might finally respect me!"

[Goosey: I hope suitelife finally notices me!]
[Hayden: So suitelife treats you like trash, you stay loyal to him until he approves of you. One member on SBC calls you an annoying nickname and you vow vengeance on every soul. Not adding up....]
[steel: He's gonna bulldoze them to death.]

Just then, SOF appeared in front of Goosey.

[Jjs: Just like that.]
[OMJ: Whenever Goosey's around, SOF is not too far behind...or in front.]
[Hayden: SOF has been taking ninja lessons.]
[sOF: I'm a Supah Ninja.]

"GURGY, IT IS TIME TO END THIS!" SOF yelled as he jumped up and began to punch Goosey. He punched back, and they fell off the truck. "We will finish what we started last time."

[steel: Another SOF and Goosey brawl? Are there like 20 more rounds of this?]
[sOF: Wait, fell off the truck? Thanks for establishing I was somehow able to teleport on top of it.]

"Goosey, you have brought dishonor to both websites," SOF said.

[Jjs: Easy on the triple posting, SOF.]
[OMJ: Is this the part where SOF horribly scars Goosey's face and banishes him to find the Avatar?]
[steel: DISHONOR ON YOUR WHOLE INTERNET FAMILY!]
[Hayden: ]

"Less talking, more fighting," Goosey said.

[OMJ: SBC's motto at the time.]

Within minutes, SBC was a warfield.

[steel: "Battlefield" not subtle enough for ya'?]
[OMJ: SBC's layout at the time.]
[Hayden: Welcome to the apocalypse. Hope you guys like leather.]

SBC users were clashing with other SBM users.

[OMJ: And just why exactly are SBM users' panties in a twist all of a sudden? Did tvguy advertise/mock them again? Did Mothra get pissy about this riffing theater stealing her idea? Did somebody just up and went shi shi in their bran flakes?]
[Hayden: Goosey has a huge sway over them obviously.]
[steel: Obviously, it has something to do with Goosey forcing them to become soldiers. In other words, this episode is making him out as if he were a dictator.]
[sOF: They were probably just having arguments on which site is better.]

"You stupid bitch!" Ex yelled as he punched Mothra down to the ground.

"You hit a girl?" Mothra yelled.

[OMJ: MOTHRA'S A GURL?]
[Hayden: You have no idea how many girls Ex has "hit" over the years.]
[steel: Uh.....hooray for domestic abuse? Nah, forget it, this isn't worth a joke.]
[Jjs: This literature approved by Kim Jong-un for needless violence and hitting women. This brief scene does make a certain plot line in Season 2 much harsher in hindsight though, one that I think was one of the worst things I've ever done in a spin-off/lit. You'll see.]

"I hit pricks like you, that is for sure," Ex said as he punched MechaWave.

[OMJ: But do you hit pricks like them for breakfast? And I like how he just punches somebody else completely right after, especially someone who has been to the Caribbean universe and should be up to speed on the events presumably. Then again, Mecha can't hack it.]
[Hayden: Ex must be so high he forgot who he was talking to.]

In the midst of the fighting, we see thesuitelife and his robot army arrive.

[Plaque: This plaque is to commemorate the brave SpongeBob forum users who have their social lives to keep this site safe from the spambot menace. Lest we forget.]

"I have to say, this is rather amusing," Suitelife laughed. "I'll give Goosey some credit."

[Hayden: But does Goosey get extra credit?]
[steel: Good work Goosey, here's a VISA.]
[sOF: Why does suitelife always laugh his sentences out? He must be on some strong laugh gas.]

"What do we do now, sir?" Wood Sponge asked.

[suitelife: You're a dick/tampon, what else are you supposed to do than to pleasure me.]
[steel: You can start by finishing the next ep of UWS AC, because I'm not going to wait any longer.]

"Do we attack now?" Faiiiry456 asked.

[Jjs: Just like any robot, they also lost any sense of personality. Oh well.]
[OMJ: I'll miss Faiiiry's Irish ways, fella.]
[Hayden: All that had to be done was to have the opposite world exist still, and then have our brilliant inventor suitelife44 create a set of robots so we'd be saved several dozen plot holes.]

"Not yet, I am waiting for the right moment," Suitelife said as he continued to watch.

[Hayden: ]

We see SOF and Goosey fighting.

[steel: How surprising.]
[OMJ: Yeah, what else is new.]
[Hayden: We all fight the ones we love.]

"Goosey, your arrogance has brought a war between websites!" SOF yelled. "Cruse you!"

[OMJ: There's the SOF I know and tolerate!]
[Hayden: Awww, SOF wants to go on a cruise with Gurgy, how romantic.]
[sOF: Looks like I'm the one to slap some sense into Gurgy again.]

Goosey punched him.

"Bah! It is too late to stop the war, and you guys had it coming," Goosey yelled.

"Ugh, we are stuck in the middle of a war," 70s said.

[sOF: Oh, silly me. I thought we were in the right of a war.]
[OMJ: Thanks for the heads up. I would've thought you all were still partying in Parties.]
[70s: Yeah, wars are a major inconvenience brah. Such a downer on the party time. How am I going to explain to my wife Sara if someone kills me and junk?]
[steel: We are stuck in the middle of a war, and now I am under attack.]

"This is fucking ridiculous, how do we stop it?" Clappy asked.

"We bomb it," Hassan said.

"...Literally?" 70s wondered.

[Hayden: No, we figuratively bomb the entire place 70s, keep the hell up.]
[Jjs: No, bi-literally.]
[OMJ: Either that or clear the place out with his fart, which coming from his ass should equate to about ten hydrogen bombs.]
[steel: There better be Bob-ombs.]

"No, I could use my device thing to cause an explosion,

[OMJ: Fucking called it!]
[Jjs: "Device thing" Not even Hassan can name half the things he pulls out of his ass.]
[Hayden: Practically bordering on self parody by this point.]
[steel: What kind of company sells something that's just simply called "Device" anyways?]
[sOF: Device Thing is a pretty trusty tool, I hear you can purchase it from Store Place.]

which will hopefully put everybody to a stop," Hassan suggested.

[steel: http://cdn.akamai.steamstatic.com/steamcommunity/public/images/avatars/aa/aa17c20456ca41a50d3e1a0f2d1226f86e2ad112_full.jpg ]
[OMJ: Either that or kill them all, which may just be for the best.]

"I don't know, someone could seriously get hurt," 70s said.

[70s: And she lives all the way in the Philippines, they get enough typhoons as it is.]
[Hayden: I'm sure no one will get seriously hurt in an all out war, 70s. Actually, you really won't, because IT'S JUST A GODDAMN FORUM WAR.]
[steel: In a Spongebob site, no less.]

"I could somehow make it so just explodes a static field," Hassan said.

[sOF: So you're going to give everyone seizures? Hopefully Japan doesn't find this chapter.]

"Alright, that is best," 70s said. "Go for it."

[Jjs: Yeah, I'm not even going to bother questioning this, so just go for it. The over the top internet elements is one thing that made this lit a bit too goofy for its own good.]
[OMJ: At least he still has that Glee forum to run home to.]
[Hayden: I hope it electrocutes everyone and fries their computers.]

"But where should I set the bomb?" Hassan asked.

"Up on the banner I guess," 70s said.

[Jjs: I am trying so hard to not make a mean-spirited joke here, so I'm just skipping this.]
[Hayden: But I live for mean spirited 70s jokes.]
[OMJ: 70s would know just how and where to fuck the site up. You're welcome.]

We then cut back to more fighting, with some SBC users collapsing from the fighting.

[OMJ: Yeah, what else is new. Might as well just play the final battle from Pokemon the First Movie.]
[Hayden:

]
[steel: Forum users are not meant to fight. Not like this. It's useless. What can come out of it?]
[sOF: So is anyone going to die during this rumble? I want to see body parts!]

"Take this!" Steel yelled as he gave Phil a punch in the nose.

[steel: IT'S NO USE!]
[spongeBob: Oww, my nose!]

"Ugh, you users are as immature as everything," PhilipB said as he continued to fight.

[Jjs: Now, to past self's credit here, this is probably the most in-character SBMer I've made.]
[OMJ: "Everything" would include you, brain wave.]
[Hayden: So if everything is equally immature, how is that an insult?]
[steel: OOOOOOOHHHH- wait, that was supposed to be a clever comeback?]

"Well, you are immature to even start this fight, SINCE WE DID NOTHING TO YOU," Ex said as he punched him.

[steel: Says the "girl hitter".]
[OMJ: Finally, somebody's making sense. And it's Ex of all people!]

Goosey and SOF continued to clash, and SOF threw Goosey.

[steel: -INTO A VOLCANO!]
[Hayden: A party?]
[sOF: I HAVE THE POWER!]

"You are tough SOF, but our rivalry WILL end tonight!" Goosey yelled as he charged at him.

[Hayden: Well it better fucking end soon.]
[steel: 

]

 

We see Hassan, 70s and Clappy on the banner, looking out at the war field.

[OMJ: Looks like Clappy gets a lil character building adventure with Hassan after all!]
[Hayden: *claps for Clappy* If I can't have one, he deserves it.]

"This is incredibly immature and Goosey will be executed when this is over, although I don't care who does it," 70s said.

[Jjs: Wasn't 70s the one who said it'd be too harsh to leave Goosey behind in 21, and now he wants him executed? The hell. But to give my past self credit yet again, this is pretty in-character of 2011 70s again. Looks like I'm winning multiple Spinnys tonight, OMJ!]
[OMJ: Give yourself a nice, big spank on the ass!]
[Hayden: So even SOF might lynch Goosey? Aside from the obvious animal cruelty quip, that's really freaking dark.]
[steel: ....Yep, this where the Lit goes downhill, or otherwise where the biggest flaw happens. Lit!Goosey goes from wanting respect to bringing warfare to gain respect and revenge, and it doesn't look like he's hurting anybody. And then 70s is like "GAIZ LET'S KILL HIM," even if Lit!Goosey's going to keep pleading for mercy no matter what when he says that. Yeah, way to make 70s likeable in this story.]

Hassan activated the bomb.

[Jjs: So he's ready to take a giant shit on the battlefield?]
[OMJ: Somebody's been eating his cardboard.]
[Commercial: And we'll be right back to Jjs' Riffing Theater. Now sponsored by Fiber One!
]
[steel: I'll take 10!]

"We have 40 seconds, so you guys better start running. Gather up the SBC staff and run," Hassan said.

[Hassan: Unless you take a bath.]
[Hayden: ]

"DEATH TO ALL NATIONS!" Dragiiin yelled as he shot spam at the SBM users.

[Jjs: In other words, more emote porn.]
[OMJ: Since when was Drag the leader of Isis?]
[Hayden: Drag confirmed as Anti-Avatar.]

They did so, and thesuitelife's robots began to get into the war. It was now SBC vs. SBM vs. Opposite Robots!

[steel: vs. Capcom.]
[OMJ: Thanks for the heads up. I would've assumed they were all shouting in SBM's shoutbox.]
[Hayden: Are some Lego douchebags going to drop in next or is this everyone?]

Sabre punched a robot, and tore it apart.

[OMJ: Way to go against your own kind, Boxy.]
[sOF: Sabre probably tore it apart with his sabertooth.]

"Ugh, what is going on? Why do we have war in the first place?" Sabre asked.

[OMJ: Finally, somebody else starts making sense.]
[Jjs: Shouldn't you be questioning why the opposite robots are there or...]
[Hayden: LESS TALKING, MORE FIGHTING!]
[steel: Less questioning and awareness, more fighting.]

"Because a certain prick named Goosey is a brat," Ex said, and then he saw the other staff members and came toward them.

[Jjs: Wow, fighting really turns Ex on.]
[OMJ: Sure would explain all the xat drama.]
[Hayden: So one kid acting like a brat causes an entire war to break out. Well, you know what they say about the butterfly effect.]

Goosey and SOF continued to clash, but we then saw thesuitelife tossing users out of his way.

[Jjs: SUITELIFE SMASH!]
[Hayden: Maybe he's in a mecha suit.]
[suitelife: I like throwing people!]

"Suitelife44! Why are you mean?" SOF asked, as he kicked Goosey in the stomach and into the air.

[OMJ: A better question would be, why are you mean to Goosey?]
[sOF: *kicks Gurgy like a football* cruse you Gurgy and siutelyfe you need to be more firendly.]
[sOF: Am I SBC's quarterback? I'm flattered.]
[steel: WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO RU- Nope.]

Thesuitelife pulled out a sword.

[Jjs: That's another dollar!]
[OMJ: Srsly, why even put em' away anymore.]
[Hayden: I guess he wasn't fond of that POINTED question. *rimshot*]

"Patience my friend..patience." Suitelife replied.

[Jjs: Um...what? I don't get why he said this...and the worst part is, I can't even think of a joke for it! Someone help a brother out here.]
[OMJ: Someone hasn't been on here in months, bruh. But that must make Crushing like meanest guy around. Or in town.]
[Hayden: The answers you are seeking will come to you at a later date in thesuitelife Story 3, Kan.]
[steel: Is that supposed to be the answer to SOF's question?]
[sOF: Maybe he was talking to the sword, it's been too long since he used it to cut someone's head off, so he had to relax the little buddy.]

SOF then charged at thesuitelife, but Suitelife deflected him off. SOF punched him in the jaw, and Goosey tried to tackle SOF, but made Goosey and Suitelife clash into another.

[OMJ: Doesn't it feel good to be a Jjs Guy, gettin all dat spotlight. inb4 a wrestling fan suggests I make SOF and Jjs the Lesnar and Heyman of Community Deathmatch.]
[Hayden: You can tell just how clumsy our two villains are when SOF manages to outsmart them.]

"The bomb is going off in 17 seconds!" Hassan warned.

[Hassan: THE BABY'S COMING!]
[OMJ: ]
[Hayden: Hassan's about to make the internet explode in the literal way, QUITE HISTORIC.]
[steel: 16...15...14...]

The staff members quickly fled the scene before more things got ugly.

[OMJ: That's a mean thing to say about Hassan's baby.]
[Hayden: Getting punched in the face tends to make people uglier.]
[steel: And things will eventually get so ugly, everyone will die.]
[sOF: The End.]

A lot of members began to seize the fighting, realizing how pointless this whole feud is getting, and the fact that both sites should be able to live in peace without insulting another.

[Jjs: This whole line sums up any SBM/SBC feud.]
[OMJ: Darn, and I was hoping that Clappy would get killed in the crossfire, turned to stone and all our man tears would bring him back.]
[Hayden: So they all just happen to do this right as the bomb is about to go off? EXCELLENT TIMING EVERYBODY.]
[steel: Good.]

Sabre shook hands with some other members. They helped each other fight off the opposite robots.

[Jjs: I guess none of them are questioning why the opposites they left behind at the island are now there. Oh well.]
[OMJ: I can't even think of anything witty to say, all I can do is laugh at how hilariously rushed this seems.]
[Hayden: So Goosey's army is now helping fight suitelife. Suitelife's going to whip Goosey extra hard tonight.]
[steel: But wait, WHAT ABOUT THE BOMB THAT WAS GOING TO EXPLODE IN LESS THAN 17 SECONDS???]
[sOF: Obviously, all the hugs and kisses made it sto-]

Just then, the bomb went off.

[sOF: Or not.]
[steel: Well, that was a long 17 seconds, isn't it?]
[Jjs: RELEASE THE KRAKEN!]
[Hayden: ]
[Morgan Freeman: And so it was, Hassan would give his social life to keep this site safe from the opposite robot menace. 70s would later be exposed as part of suitelife's 12 step revenge program and no one ever really saw him again. Ex would spend the rest of his days getting off from fights on the xat. SOF would make peace with Gurgy and OMJ would eventually go on to incite Opposite World War III while Steel is still trying to find his balls till this very day. And what of everyone else? Who cares, they bored the shit out of me.]

A giant static field covered the forum, and thesuitelife kicked SOF, but SOF dodged and hit him in the head.

[Hayden: I'm starting to think SOF just bugged Jjs to give him a huge role in the finale.]

The field began to come their way, interrupting their fight. Suitelife gasped,

[OMJ: Should I get a dollar for each time somebody gasps, as well?]
[steel: And it's way off the line!]

and pressed a button on his arm which teleported him away to the island.

[Jjs: ASS PULL POLICE, or is Suitelife just a lucky lucky lucky luck boy? You decide.]
[Hayden: He must be the teleporting fat guy.]
[sOF: Maybe suitelife built a button on his arm to teleport him since he can apparently invent opposites of SBC members.]
[OMJ: He must've bought that from the local convenience store that sold CDCB and Avatardude suits.]

The field disappeared, with lots of rubble and destroyed robots.

[OMJ: NOT BARNEY, BETTY AND BAMM BAMM!]
[steel: Amazing grace, how sweet the sound....]
[Hayden: So the site and threads are made from solid rock.]

The SBM users and SBC users managed to get along and helped each other clean up the mess.

[Jjs: I wish I had more time to clean up this mess. *rimshot*]
[Hayden: Well isn't this just a sweet ending? Be right back.
]

Goosey was on the ground, and he got up.

[Goosey: YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN.]

"This war isn't over guys! ATTACK!" Goosey commanded.

The SBM users didn't reply to him, and they pinned him down to the ground.

[Hayden: Looks like Goosey's been.....GROUNDED. *puts on sunglasses*
]
[steel: ....grounded, grounded, grounded. Go to bed now.]

"Wait...what is going on?" Goosey asked.

[Jjs: That's another dollar!]
[OMJ: Well, you ordered them to attack. You didn't say who to attack.]

"This whole "war" was a waste of my time, and YOU caused it to begin with," 70s said.

[OMJ: Don't you know how precious 70's time means to him? He could've gotten a couple of quickies and maybe a threesome outside of Target by now!]
[sOF: Or writing an episode of Bikini Top!]
[Hayden: His imaginary wife was worried sick about him and his imaginary dinner is getting cold!]

"I am very disappointed in you Perry," ssj said.

[Jjs: Ohai ssj.]
[OMJ: Please, he would've just farted in his face and laughed because Family Guy.]
[Hayden: Bad Platypus. BAD. Get off the counter.]
[steel: "Dark Horse" in a nutshell.]
[sOF: Now I want you to think about what you've done young man, and no Phineas & Ferb for a month.]

"Well..uhhh..." Goosey said as he tried to make an excuse.

"We warned you Goosey and gave you multiple chances. But you'll never realize we were in peace with SBM until this occured," Clappy explained as he pulled out a SBM/SBC treaty.

[OMJ: That he conveniently had up his ass this whole time and only bothers to bust it out now.]
[Grammar Police: Did you mean: occurred]
[Goosey: *rips up treaty* There! Now let the war continue!]
[Clappy: Goosey, that wasn't the peace treaty, that was a copy of the peace treaty.]
[sOF: So if you guys were at peace, why did you go to war?]

"Yeah, no comment on this whole thing, and how immature it was," tvguy said.

[Jjs: Because 2011 tvguy would criticize immaturity.]
[OMJ: He'd probably start another war with SBM by now.]
[Hayden: "No comment, but here's a comment.]

"We also have a special treat for you Goosey, although I don't know if I could call it a treat," jjs said.

[Jjs: Hey, I wasn't too far off then with Metal Snake's yummy treats joke.]
[Jjs: You get the Goosey Treatment! Oh Haaaaans!]
[Hayden: Is Goosey getting a Gurgy snack?]
[steel: GURGY-URGY-DOO WHERE ARE YOU? WE'VE GOT SOME WORK TO DO NOW.]

We then see users clear the way, and SOF approached Goosey with a spear in his hand and a slasher smile...

[Jjs: You don't need to be vague. I think that's just SOF's way of foreplay.]
[Hayden: Past Jjs actually went there? Just wow....]
[sOF: I have to admit, this was a bit harsh, even if it was just a joke. Jjs making me a badass was somewhat amusing, but yeah, I think this was a bit too far.]
[steel: Yeah, I don't even need to point out how mean-spirited that was, unlike how I pointed out the execution thing riffs ago.]

We then cut back to the Party forum,

[OMJ: Don't need to be vague. We know that SOF and Goosey fucked.]
[Hayden: Uh right, that's totally what happened kid viewers at home. They had hot steamy sex with lots of oral and spears up butts. No need to thank me, keeping things appropriate for all ages is just what I do.]
[steel: Having a party?]

and all SBC/SBM users were partying together in peace, and celebrating the toughness they went through on the island, and managing to get back.

[OMJ: They're so tough, they got sucked into the Caribbean and they were only stranded there for 20+ chapters!]

We cut back to the island, where Suitelife reunites with his robot army.

[Jjs: We cut to a party!...then we cut to the island! Woo?]
[OMJ: Just how many robots are there? Pretty sure the field was littered with em' two scenes ago.]
[Hayden: They obviously all had teleportation watches too.]
[steel: Oh great, another fake-out ending!]

"Sir, we have figured out how we could destroy SBC," AOF said.

[Hayden: The opposite robot of SOF came up with the idea? I guess that sticks with the opposite theme but suitelife44 can't seem to come up with his own idea to save his life.]

"Do tell," Suitelife smiled.

[steel: What a long one. Well, at least there's one episode left (of Season 1). It better be worth it compared to the execution of Lit!Goosey.]
[AOF: Have we tried setting it to Wumbo?]
[OMJ: Well, riffing faithful, this officially marks Toonami's final broadcast the end of my riffing run here. Will I return for anything else? It could happen. Would it be for SBCPU *holds nose* Season 2? You bet your ass it could be. If I can be serious for a moment...
I'd like to say that I can agree with Jjs in that this lit in general was so bad, it's good. Even back in the day reading it, it had that campy charm over me. I can say that it helped inspire me with some of my own writing, especially with Post Fiction at the time (which is pretty riff material right there). Then season 2 came around and sorta fucked it up for me! It's been a real slice slicing this bad boy open with y'all and wish you all the best of luck in your future endeavors of putting SBCPU *holds nose* out to pasture.]
[imposter SOF: BANG??!!!?!?!!?!!!!?!!??]
[sOF: Since this was my last riff of the season, my thoughts are pretty much the same as the ones from episode 23. I used to like this, and it's not terrible, but as everyone pointed out, it has its issues. I wouldn't call it jjs' best work anymore. It still has some lulzy magic that makes it enjoyable in a So Bad, It's Good way, as OMJ said. I still had fun riffing the season, and good luck to the others with the season finale. Wait, there's a Season 2, eh? Hmm... I'll think about it, but until then, SOF signing out!]
[Hayden: They shouldn't have even gotten back to SBC before taking care of thesuitelife44 for storytelling purposes. 70s was a dickwad, Ex was on steroids, the SBM members were shoehorned in, and then to top it off Goosey was murdered (by SOF of all people) after the very confusing mixed messaging about how we were supposed to feel about him. Goosey's little arc was just more needless filler and by now I'm just wishing WhaleBlubber was back in action over crazy robot island. Regardless, see you back for the end to end all ends. That is, if I can ever get over my nightmares of Slasher SOF.....]
[Jjs: Welp, I think this episode alone is enough to win Spinnys for Most Accurate User Portrayal and Most Over The Top Fight Scenes ever. It's an honor. This episode was just so over the top and ridiculous that it's kind of So Bad, It's Good. However, I can agree with Steel on how Goosey's execution was not handled well. I didn't really need to do it at all, and it felt forced just to be edgy because we all shamed not well liked members at the time. While I know some other works did that as well, killing him was a bit too extreme. It just made the SBCers not look very good, and just felt very warped. Only one episode left of Season 1...the big one, that changed the series forever. I'm bringing the big guns. I wish the others who are on 26 the best of luck as well.]

Epilogue:

Suitelife and 70s are seen in an apartment room.

Suitelife: Alright, what is our next plan of action? We can't just sit and do nothing!
70s: We will destroy SBC once and for all. They are about to riff the season finale of SBCPU *holds nose* and that'll be the perfect time to strike! We will humiliate jjs and get our ultimate revenge! But first, let's watch the new Glee...

Both began to laugh evilly, as a Glee performance blasted through the room.

Guy in the Apartment Next Door: WOULD YOU KEEP IT DOWN?!

[Metal Snake]

I honestly believe that this is some of the best riffing you guys have ever done. How was this not the riffing for the final episode of SBCPU? You guys put all your freaking heart and soul into this. O_O

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 1

 

26. The Opposite Finale

Spoiler

 

Jjs, Clappy, Hayden, Halibut, Trophy and Steel enter the theater. Both the doors lock behind them, and the movie screen acts weird.

 

[Hayden: Jjs, I think you need to get a better movie screen...]

[Jjs: What the...]

 

A red glowing countdown timer then appeared on the screen, reading "IF JJS DOES NOT RESIGN FROM BEING AN ADMIN ON SBC, THE THEATER WILL EXPLODE IN AN HOUR." The timer then read: 59:59, and was counting down.

 

[Trophy: Let me guess-]

 

Suitelife and 70s then appeared out of the shadows and laughed.

 

[suitelife: Surprise, we were the ones behind everything.]

[steel: 70s and suitelife? I can't believe you two were behind it all...]

[Jjs: So my own villain kidnapped me. But yeah, why?]

[70s: It was payback after you riffed my amazing spin-off, and made a mockery of Suitelife. So we hijacked your show to riff your own work and realize how awful this was. Now, toodles. I'll be off on Gleeforum, while your theater explodes...]

 

Suddenly, the Riffing Theater Producers and some cops appeared, as 70s and Suitelife were arrested. The producers turned off the bomb threat.

 

[suitelife: Aw crap. We would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for-]

[steel: This isn't ATTWL 3.]

[Hayden: Well that was easy.]

[Trophy: Can we riff now?]

[Jjs: Yeah. If you two ever kidnap me again, I will kill you. Take those two out of my sight!]

 

And so, 70s and Suitelife lived out the rest of their days in a jail cell together, forming the comedic spin-off known as Suite Life in Jail.

 

26. The Opposite Finale

 

[Trophy: CONFETTI IN THE POLICE DEPARTMENT! WHOO FINALLY, I CAN GET MY KICKS IN! *kicks jjs*]

[Jjs: The opposite of a finale would be a season premiere. So technically would the end start the season? Or am I thinking too much?]

[Hayden: It's the opposite of a finale because we still have a season 2. But let's deal with this atrocity first.]

[steel: Considering that we have Season 2, the title makes things true. Back on subject, Season 1 finale, I'm ready for you.]

 

We see everybody still partying on SBC.

 

[Trophy: For killing Goosey, they really are assholes, yet I'm not one of them, so I don't give a fuck.]

[Jjs: Partying till they're purple.]

[steel: It won't be as much of a party anymore if Lit!SOF gets caught for murder. Once again, way to go Lit!70s.]

[Clappy: *pictures SBC party back in 2011* Oh boy, if I get my post count up, I can get more doubloons to not spend.]

[Hayden: Don't get too drunk off the forums, you rebellious teenagers.]

 

"Hey guys, I forgot to mention, but after I fought off WhaleBlubber, I found this weird looking watch," OMJ explained as he pulled out a watch.

 

[steel: Weird looking watch. Brought to you from the creators of "Device Thing".]

 

"Hmm..it was probably suitelife's," 70s said.

 

[Hayden: Since he's the only person who has ever inhabited that private island of his after all.]

 

"Ah, okies. Say, how did your whole rivalry start?" OMJ asked.

 

[Clappy: Say, let's forget about the fact that I randomly brought up this watch that will probably serve some sort of purpose and just talk about something that you could have easily read about on the SBC wiki.]

 

"Well, it was a long story. Basically, he can be too sensitive, and then we got into a fight one night. He then left, and for the safety of us. But..I never thought he'd resort to this. We must stop him," 70s said.

 

[Trophy: Or it's called 70s being an asshole....]

[Jjs: 70s half-assing a story about another member and turning the site against them... Wow, my impression of 2011 70s was spot on.]

[Hayden: "For the safety of us" Is that why when he returned he was given a mod position? To keep everyone safe? But yeah, 70s doesn't know the first thing about sensitivity.]

 

"While I agree, how?" Claps asked.

 

[Clappy: ....While I agree, how....that makes no grammatical sense.]

 

"I don't know," 70s said.

 

[Hayden: You're still useless. Where's Hassan?]

 

We then see Suitelife on his island.

 

[Trophy: With Zack and Cody? Too soon?]

[Clappy: Jesus, this kid was roughly 14 when this was written and he can afford his own island? Did he become a broadway star like Webby? Or did he become an actor like one of ACS's personalities?]

[Hayden: London obviously bought it for him so that he would leave the Tipton hotel.]

 

"Ah...at long last! All of this was just perfectly planned. I trolled them into thinking they got stuck in a parallel world with some acting from my robot slaves. I just had to have their personalities like that to throw them off track.

 

[steel: Yeah. Didn't you get foiled a few times?]

[Clappy: Don't you mean lack of personalities? Because you don't need a Scooby-Doo cartoon scheme to do that.]

[Trophy: Robot slaves? I knew something was fishy when suitelife was described as black and shady before.]

[Jjs: Cool story bro. So uh, why are you telling us this...]

[Halibut: Good to know, now stop summarizing and do something worthwhile.]

[Hayden: The saddest part of all is this delusional character thinking anything was accomplished. This was the worst "trolling" ever. Even WhaleBlubber shooting spam was more productive.]

 

Those stories (20 and 23) were also made to throw the audience off track.

[Clappy: Wait...did that just...]

[Hayden: You fiend! You really took us for a spin. But COME ON. How hard was it for Jjs to just stick to what he already wrote and come up with a direction for the story that doesn't make the past chapters extra irrelevant? Plus, a fourth wall break shouldn't be part of our villain's random rambling, it should only be used for some witty self awareness.]

 

I never got stuck into a parallel world. I found this island in my travels after the fight.

 

[suitelife: And my parents were just FINE with me abandoning them! Don't know why, don't care.]

[Hayden: Screw the abandonment, passport or no passport, a kid can't travel the globe on their own unless they're Ash Ketchum.]

[Jjs: ....Wait, huh?!

 

Yeah... For those not aware, thesuitelife story episodes (20 and 23) were fake. Not all were fake, but the entire 2nd one was fake, as was the first one's last few entries with the opposite world. It's very lazy for me to break the 4th wall and just have it be an aside, I know. Coming from the creator himself, I know this was very stupid and showed how I did not plan it out whatsoever. At least I tried to cover up the plot holes though, unlike a certain other spin-off that was praised at this time and a lit this took notes from...]

[Clappy: Did that just happen? Okay, thanks jjs. I just wanted to make sure that you were aware that your past self just used what was the laziest plot hole cover in SBC spin-off/lit hist....

 

*re-reads Bikini Top riffs*

 

....SECOND laziest plot hole cover in SBC spin-off/lit hist....

 

*re-reads ATTWL 3 riffs*

 

....THIRD laziest...okay, it wasn't the worst plot hole cover, but damn that was pretty brutal.]

 

I decided to plan my revenge with these robots and faking it up to look like a parallel world with some amusement park equipment. WhaleBlubber just spammed at the wrong time, when Massan hacked SBC and teleported everyone here." Suitelife laughed as he explained everything. 

 

[Jjs: So wait, who is he telling this to? Did he also catch the "talking to himself' disease?]

[Clappy: Well, he is stuck on an island. Clearly the heat is getting to what's left of his mind, so he's probably imagining Goosey still being alive.]

[Halibut: He's talking to his castaway buddy, Wilsonblubber.]

[steel: Nice gloating, dude. Take those generic evil outbursts elsewhere.]

[Hayden: I....just..... 

 ]

 

"But wait...avatardude's death, Jss looking for WhaleBlubber.." 80s asked.

 

[Jjs: Don't ask too many questions about the plot holes, or suitelife may go Astenias on you.]

[Clappy: And if you are going to ask too many questions, where is the smilie spam that comes afterwards?    ]

[Hayden: I don't remember the second question 80s is posing and why it would need explaining. But I guess Jjs doesn't trust his audience and I can't blame him.]

 

"Again, all faked with acting, avatardude is still as good as gone. I hired Jss to find down Blubber since he escaped from Massan's killing spree on his crew. Now, let's get on with the plan, this isn't a Q&A episode," Suitelife said.

 

[Jjs: Yeah, what the hell is going on here? Why is 80s randomly asking suitelife all this stuff, and shouldn't he know the orders anyways? I know it's me "covering up" the plot holes, but it still doesn't make much sense.]

[Clappy: Not to mention the fact that he is using excuses as "faked with acting"...how could he fake anything with acting? That's almost as lame as an excuse as using voice recorders or spilling candy wrappers.]

[Halibut: You're MAKING this into a Q&A episode, Suitelife.]

[steel: From what I believe suitelife is implying, it sounds as though he's trying to shoot a movie, with all the special effects, faking, and acting, convos.....expect that it's apparently for real (in this story at least).]

[Hayden: Rumble on SBC should have just been the finale. Kill Suitelife, have Goosey redeem himself, and then don't bore us to death with a chapter of poor explanation of your own errors told in a clunky way by a character no one cares about.]

 

"Also, because that little troll swiped my watch in the cave from me when I was traveling there and lost it. I have security cameras everywhere, so I know."

 

[Hayden: Finders keepers, asshole. If you knew where your watch was, why leave it there?]

 

He then planted a drill on the island of some sort. It began to drill through the surface.

 

[Trophy: Of some sort? It is or it isn't. *kicks jjs*]

[steel: This isn't like Gurren Lagann, but it's pretty close enough to remind me of it.]

[Clappy: Not to mention that he pulled this drill out of his ass probably because there is no way he can conveniently get a drill to his island unless he is Richie Rich.]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"Gah ha ha! In a matter of hours, the drill will break through the island's core, causing a nuclear beam that will blast across the sea to the nearest laptop or computer...and wiping out SBC. In the same time, all previously destroyed robots, a la Massan, Jss, avatardude, Wood Sponge, GBGD and any other of my comrads

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: comrades]

 

that got wiped out will be revived by the nuclear beam's energy, enough to charge them back up," Suitelife explained as he began to place robot parts everywhere in perfect stance.

 

[Hayden:  ]

[Trophy: Does this mean that CDCB will also be revived... naked sadly, but still?]

[Jjs: I'm not even going to ask how that works. Keep preaching to the choir there, buddy.]

[Halibut: So basically, what you're saying is that this island is just one big nuclear generator.]

[Clappy: Why did I read all this in an evil cartoon character voice? Because that's what thesuitelife has become in this story. A freaking cartoon character. It all makes sense. The over the top antics, the monologues, false sense of revenge. Man, that Scooby-Doo comparison from earlier makes so much more sense now.]

 

Many of the remaining robots had gathered parts of the previously destroyed ones, and put them together, and they were standing in formations.

 

"Perfect..." Suitelife laughed. "My revenge at long last! But first...I have a surprise for the SBC fools.."

 

We then see another new opposite robot appeared named Ki Zuna, with a giant hammer in his hand.

 

[Jjs: So basically Ex's opposite is Thor? Is that a ban hammer he has? Or would it be an unban hammer...]

[steel: If that's Thor, then I expect the rest of the opposite Avengers.]

[Hayden: That's just his last name with a space in-between it, you lazy fuck.]

 

"I seek your services," Suitelife laughed as he controlled his remote.

 

[Trophy: Shouldn't Ex's "opposite" be scared of everything at least from my understanding?]

 

"Yes, my lord," Ki Zuna said.

 

[Trophy: Never mind.]

 

Suitelife opened a portal for him, and he went through to SBC.

 

[Halibut: A guy with such skills to make a bunch of robots and drill into a nuclear island is... trying to avenge against a SpongeBob fansite. Perfect.]

[Clappy: Are we sure that thesuitelife isn't just another ACS personality? Please make that happen in Season 2 past Jjs....please...]

 

He approached Ex in the midst of the party.

 

Ex turned around.

 

[Clappy: It was super effective.]

[Jjs: Wow, apparently nobody noticed a robot looking like Ex at that party. They really were partying till they're purple.]

 

"Who the fuck are you-" Ki Zuna then swung his hammer at him, and knocked him out. He threw him through the portal, and closed it.

 

[Ki Zuna: Have some cake!]

[Hayden: WoodHammer must be turning in his grave at someone stealing his gimmick.]

 

"Hey Ex," tvguy said.

 

"Hello," Ki Zuna said.

 

[Halibut: Wow, this is laughably bad. Ki sends Ex through a portal and all Dylan does is say "hi" to Ki.]

[Jjs: They must have all been really high and/or drunk if nobody could see a robot looking like Ex, having a hammer in his hand, and throwing Ex into a portal.]

[sBC Member: Hey tvguy, do you see anything weird about an Ex look-a-like smacking the other with a hammer?]

[tvguy: Lolno, Goosey, suitelife, and his opposite army are gone, so let's keep partying!]

 

"Ex, are you okay?" tvguy asked.

 

[Clappy: Dylan, are you ok? You sound as bland as Ex's opposite.]

[Ki Zuna: None of your concern one known as tvguy, just flu season making me look a little metallic is all.]

 

"Yes..." Ki Zuna replied.

 

[steel: Bland dialogue, bland and uninteresting dialogue....]

 

Just then, we see 70s with a shock of horror on his face.

 

[steel:  ]

[Jjs: Did someone diss Glee?]

[Hayden: "a shock of horror" is a whole new level of lulzy phrasing.]

 

"Guys, I have some bad news," 70s said.

 

"Phineas & Ferb is cancelled?" SOF panicked.

 

[Hayden: Don't worry SOF, PaF makes it to 2015. So does Glee, but that will end on an even weaker note.]

[sOF: And I don't have Gurgy to talk about it with?]

[steel: Then Lit!SOF should've thought about that before he killed him.]

[Jjs: This wouldn't be bad news to the present day SOF, apparently.]

[Clappy: Key word apparently.]

 

"I wish," 70s said.

 

"SPIT IT OUT MAN!" Elastic said.

 

[70s: I'm actually 15 years old, and my whole life was a lie! WHAT A TWIST!]

[steel: And then he spit on Elastic.]

 

"Apparently, Suitelife is planning to recharge his previously destroyed robots with a nuclear beam...that will also destroy SBC." 70s explained.

 

[Trophy: You know this how?]

[Hayden: 70s has his sources. He's also secretly suitelife in disguise. Making him not just one, but two of this story's villains.]

[Halibut: Okay, what the fu- how does he know this!? It doesn't seem like Ki told him, so how the hell did he get that idea?]

[steel: He must be psychic if he was able to know something like that. However....]

 

"What the? How do you know?" SOF asked.

 

[Clappy: Good question SOF. How does 70s know all this? God, the amount of god-like abilities certain characters are given in this story is honestly ridiculous.]

 

"Apparently, Hassan has footage of the island on screen. He hijacked one of the island's cameras, and Suitelife is drilling through the island for the..big bang," 70s said.

 

[Trophy: Bazinga.]

[Hayden: This is some of the most excellent writing I have ever had the pleasure of sitting down and going through word by word.

 ]

[Jjs: I think this finale should be called "Plot Convenience: The Episode". Seriously, how come nobody ever saw any cameras on the island? Granted, we did see suitelife looking through ones at the end of 19, but I find hard to believe they could not catch any user's eyes, unless they were pulling an ATTWL 3 and going sight-seeing...]

[steel: Pretty sure that rascal has been eavesdropping...]

[Halibut: Once again, how the fuck does he know this? He hasn't actually answered that question properly, yet.]

[Clappy: And speaking of god-like abilities, here we go preaching the awesomeness of Hassan once more.]

 

"Oh no! This is the end!" Steel said.

 

[Hayden:  ]

 

"Not entirely. If we all take down the drill, we have a chance." Hassan said. "Who wants to be brave enough to go?" 

 

[Halibut: I'd think that people who use the internet would not be strong enough to do that.]

 

"NOBODY WILL!" Ki Zuna yelled as he swung his hammer at the monitor.

 

[steel: Plot twist.]

[Hayden: Aw how sweet, Ex is volunteering to be the only one to go to save his friends. What a sap.]

 

"Ex, what the fuck?" Clappy asked.

 

[Clappy: No me, I think the bigger what the fuck is this episode.]

[Halibut: Have you not noticed the hammer in his hand?]

 

Ki Zuna turned around with a growl.

 

[steel: Clappy's attack fell.]

 

"That's...not Ex." tvguy said.

 

[Hayden: You can tell by the way he growls? Actually, that makes perfect sense considering the way he usually growls to you in bed.]

 

Ki Zuna swung his hammer and knocked tvguy out of the way.

 

[Clappy: Well, I guess Ex wanted to become Mega Man so badly and now he's living his dream.]

[Hayden: ]

 

"Ex's opposite it seems. Suitelife must have sent it here!" 70s said.

 

"Indeed," Ki Zuna said as he charged at him.

 

[Clappy: Thank you opposite Ex for the "shocking" plot reveal.]

 

He tried to hit 70s with his hammer, but missed, and it slammed to the ground. Steel then threw some punch at Ki Zuna, and it began to spark.

[Jjs: Looks like Steel's character building adventure with Hassan still stuck with him, because Steel once again has the balls to punch the shit out of a robot. Atta boy, Steel!]

[Halibut: "Some punch"? I'm only reading this and I can hear how tired jjs was when writing this.]

[steel: "Some punch" from the dictionary writers that coined "Device thing" and "Weird looking watch".]

[Hayden: What kind of punch we talking here? Don't be selfish with the details. At least let Ki Zuna drink a good flavor before his untimely death.]

 

"Oh yeah, they are robots. Why didn't I think of that?" 70s said to himself.

 

[Jjs: If you're talking to yourself like that, it's no wonder why.]

[Hayden: You thought of everything else for your elaborate age scheme so I guess your brain got tired out.]

 

Despite the fact that Ki Zuna was destroyed, it had successfully sent a message to Suitelife about their plan before being destroyed.

 

[Clappy: So let me get this straight. Despite being destroyed, he can successfully send messages at the same time? Wow...just wow. Plot Convenience: The Episode this sure is.]

[Trophy: Graveyard: Like 20 million.]

[steel: So they already pinned him down, but it took 2 lengthy matches between SOF and Goosey, for the latter to admit defeat?]

 

"So, where is the real Ex and how do we get back to the island?" Wumbo asked.

 

[Jjs: Will the real Slim Exxy please stand up?]

[Halibut: Did none of you see Ex flying into the vortex of doom when Ki first came to this party?]

[steel: tvguy could've noticed if he paid attention.]

 

"I still have my device with some energy to spare," Hassan said.

 

[Clappy: Thank you Hassan. You and your plot convenient devices sure are welcomed whenever anything goes wrong.]

 

"I thought it was destroyed when you used it as a bomb?" Clappy asked.

 

[Jjs: I guess Hassan still has some "power" left in his ass.]

[Hayden: Guys, it could be worse. SOF could have been written as the person making all these ass pull devices.]

 

"No, it just blasted lots of power, wearing the energy of this down. It has some stuff left to spare however, for 2 trips," Hassan said.

 

"Enough for me to talk some sense into Suitelife and to rescue Ex," 70s said.

 

[Hayden: If the rational conversation fails, are you just going to ditch SBC for the Glee forums? Nah, we can depend on you.]

 

"I'll go," Clappy said.

 

[Clappy: No. Me. Please don't go. You still have some dignity left in you. Don't get ruined by the blandness. I beg you.]

[Trophy: Clappy, here's your Hassan adventure.]

[Clappy: NO! ANYTHING BUT HIM!]

 

Sabre, Steel, Wumbo, Hassan, Elastic and Dragiiin all decided to go.

 

[Jjs: Ah, it wouldn't be a finale without Hassan. Hassan is love. Hassan is life.]

[steel: "Hassan is dreck" - a certain suitelife.]

[Clappy: I hear crushing doesn't mind either way.]

[Hayden: So only 6 people actually give a shit about SBC. Beautiful.]

 

"Fuck yeah, I get to do something," Dragiiin said.

 

[Jjs: Yup, it's your turn for a character building adventure with Hassan!]

[steel: And it took until this episode for Jjs to give him a chance at screen time.]

[Halibut: Sorry Drag, you haven't reached your minimum capacity of spam yet. No going to the island for you.]

[Hayden: Why is Drag saying this? I know the keyboard controls his will but he could have gone on every past adventure if he really wanted to.]

 

Hassan opened a portal, and they went through it, to find themselves on the island with a bunch of opposite robots surrounding them, and Ex was tied to a tree.

 

[steel: 

 

Probably not in this way of "tied", but still....]

[Trophy: HELP ME, I'M TIED TO A...tree?]

[Clappy: Yes, because trees are the only thing that can contain Ex.]

[Hayden: Where's the diabolical pit of lava?]

 

Suitelife approached them with his sword scratching the ground.

 

[Jjs: And it wouldn't be the season finale either without a goddamn sword. That's another dollar!]

[steel: I'm surprised the swords in this story aren't called "knife thingamajigs".]

 

"I knew you'd be coming, why else did you think I sent Ki Zuna?" Suitelife laughed.

 

[Jjs: I dunno, for the shits and giggles?]

[Clappy: Plot convenience?]

[steel: As fodder, since he's already dead?]

[Hayden: To successfully kill them? Oh, guess that's just another pointless endeavor on your list.]

 

"It's time to end our war. I tried to reason with you, but you're too stubborn," 70s said.

 

[Trophy: Or 70s, YOU'RE A REAL BIG FAT ASSHOLE, EVEN MORE THAN THE SBC ASSHOLE FARM IN SPONGECRAFT COMBINED!]

[Jjs: So Suitelife is the real Professor Stubborn.]

[Hayden: Good news hilaryfan80, your title has been stolen.]

 

"Fine then, but opposite robots, protect the drill at all costs!" Suitelife said as he charged at 70s.

 

[Clappy: No use protecting the drill, plot convenience will save the day.]

 

"You were becoming a danger to TV.com and what would have been SBC if you were still active there," 70s said.

 

"Well, you're right about that," Suitelife said as he held up his sword.

 

[Clappy: If by danger you mean a cry baby over one fight, then even then that wouldn't be a danger.]

 

The drill kept drilling through the surface. AOF, 80s, Plastic, and any other surviving robots guarded it and attacked off the others.

 

70s punched Suitelife, but he punched him down to the ground. AOF approached and began to zap 70s with an electric charge. 

 

[Clappy: That's as hilariously So Bad, It's Good as SOF punching 70s in ATTWL 3....wow, I'm using that comparison a lot in this installment.]

[Halibut: What a shocking fight scene.]

[steel: I'm already feeling ecstatic.]

 

"Gahhh!" 70s yelled as he fell to the ground.

 

"How do we disable the drill?" Steel asked as he fought off the robots.

 

[steel: Try calling out one of your Pokemon that know "Disable".]

 

"You won't be able to," Suitelife laughed as he jabbed 70s through the stomach with his sword.

 

[Trophy: FINALLY SOME JUSTICE!]

[Jjs: That's another dollar!]

[Hayden: That's what I call a tummy ache.]

 

"No! Retro!" Dragiiin yelled.

 

[Clappy: Oh hey, Drag almost sounds like himself here.]

 

"This is all my fault," Hassan said.

 

[Jjs: 

]

[steel: Yeesh, get a hold of yourself, man.]

[Hayden: Well Hassan, you are the only character with any responsibility for plot movement in this lit.]

 

Just then, the drill hit the core of the island, and the nuclear explosion occured, scattering across the island. The surface began to crack, and a half of the island crumbled into the sea due to the drill's power.

 

"TAKE COVER!" Hassan yelled.

 

[Halibut: I don't think "taking cover" will save you from drowning or otherwise, Hassan.]

[Clappy: Are you sure Hassan isn't crushing in a robot suit?]

 

The beam then hit the robots Suitelife had set up, and it began to recharge them. Massan, Jss, GBGD, Wood Sponge, musicguy, ect. They all began to move!

 

"It has worked! 70s is dead...my previously destroyed robots are free...and SBC is about to go bang. THIS WAR IS OVER! I WIN!" Suitelife yelled.

 

[Jjs: When were you ever at war? Also, follow-up question: How many "battles" (if any) did you even win beforehand?]

[steel: And there were no survivors. The end.]

[Halibut: Bang, you say?

 

 

Someone had to do it.]

[Clappy: God, this is such a comedic over the top reaction that I have no problem with it.]

 

Just then, 70s exploded.

 

[Jjs: What, is suitelife Michael Bay now?]

[Hayden: 70s is actually one of the candy people in Ooo.]

[steel:

]

 

"What the..it was a robot!" Sabre said.

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Halibut: Two terrible-director references in a row, jjs. Keep it up.]

 

The 70s Suitelife had destroyed was really 80s.

 

[Clappy: 

 

That plot twist was just awful. Wasn't convinced by any of this whatsoever. Hated it.]

[steel: R.I.P. 1980's.]

[Trophy: ..............*spears jjs through the stomach and walks away*]

[Jjs: HOORAY, FAKE OUT DEATHS! I can't tell if this was an ASS PULL POLICE call or what, but it explains why everyone was so uncaring over his death, at least.]

[Hayden: *falls into a coma from jackassery*]

 

"NOO!" Suitelife yelled as he saw 70s approach him.

 

"Ha, you can't even tell your own robots and us apart," 70s said. "I grabbed 80s and switched him while you weren't looking."

 

[Halibut: The big issue with this is that Suitelife SHOULD have seen the difference because, fun fact, 80s is meant to be the opposite of 70s.]

[Jjs: Not to mention the fact he built the damn things.]

[steel: In fact, why couldn't suitelife just put name tags on them, one of them saying "Hello, my name is 80s, not 70s, you dumbnuts"?]

 

"Oh well, once that nuclear beam hits the closest computer, SBC goes bye-bye!" Suitelife laughed.

 

[Clappy: How the fuck is any of this suppose to work? Worst of all, how would anyone believe that any of this is going to be taken seriously?]

[Jjs: Yeah, the more I try to think about how this works, I think my brain begins to go "nuclear" as well, so I'm not going to bother.]

 

Just then, a giant boat was coming towards the island, a bunch of blasts began to hit the nuclear field.

 

[Halibut: I hope it's The Love Boat, because I feel said boat would make this episode 10 times better.]

[Clappy: Oh boy, I bet it's more plot convenience.]

[steel: Yet another victory fake-out...]

 

"What the..who dares?!" Suitelife yelled.

 

We then see all of the other SBC users driving the boat, and there were leftover weapons from the previous episode being launched at the nuclear field.

 

[Clappy: Oh boy! ALL OF THE OTHER SBC users. How wonderful it is that they get such elaboration and screening time that we get to know more about them. Who exactly are they? Where do they come from? What have they been doing this whole time? How did they get this message relayed to them? So many questions yet so little fucks were given.]

[Jjs: Because I bet most SBCers know how to drive a boat. Man, just keep the ass pulls coming, past me.]

[Hayden: So all of them drove it at once and none of them fought over the wheel? I'm impressed with that cooperation.]

 

"Keep wearing it down!" Jjs said.

 

The nuclear beam faded due to the weapons pausing its movement and slowing it down. 

 

[Clappy: Next time on Mythbusters, we learn if it's possible to fade a nuclear beam with guns.]

[Halibut: That is absolutely not how nuclear energy works.]

 

"NOOOO! THIS CAN'T BE!" Suitelife yelled.

 

[Jjs: Take it easy there, Suitelife Wiseau. That must have been one terrible nuclear blast if it can be destroyed that easily.]

 

70s backed up onto the boat, which was parked.

 

[Jjs: Parallel parked?]

[steel: Better not be in the handicapped space.]

[Clappy: Why did I picture this as 70s backing his ass up on the boat.....which was parked.]

 

"How did you guys find us?" 70s asked.

 

[Jjs: They used the Map from Dora the Explorer obviously.]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"We managed to rebuild the monitor, and we spotted the location on the map," Fa said.

 

"Also because we were worried about ya," OMJ said.

 

[Jjs: "Ya" only refers to one person, so OMJ should've said "y'all"...BUT HE DIDN'T! Who was he really worried about? Sadly, this is one thing we'll never get answered.]

 

Missiles and spears will launched at the opposite robots attacking the ship.

 

[Halibut: Wow, using both modern and primitive weapons, I see. At least this episode is appealing both to U.S. Army soldiers AND Native American hunters.]

[steel: Sure can't forget about those bottomless spears.]

 

'Wait a minute guys...these robots are under Suitelife's control...they aren't meant to be evil," Hassan said.

 

[Clappy: Lmao, they aren't meant to be evil. Stop making me laugh you poorly developed focal point character.]

[Hayden: They were specifically made to be evil though by a crazed madman, so yes they were? What do I know though, since none of this is apparently canon.]

[steel: Of course they aren't, need I bring up the usual lack of Nutella, snow, Squidiam convos again?]

 

"But he built them," Sabre said.

 

"Yes, but he had a command to make them all evil. If I can hijack one, I can upload a virus into their circuits so that they will all turn good," Hassan said.

 

[Trophy: No, just fuck this, of all the things he has done, this is NOT happening.]

[Jjs: And leave it to God of Plot Advancement and Ass Pulls Hassan to have yet another solution up his ass. Man, the more I reread this, the more I realize I did not need to focus on Hassan tbh. He was just kind of an Ensemble Darkhorse of SBC, so I thought it'd be cool to give him some spotlight, but he didn't really need to be the hero. Thankfully though, Hassan is no longer the hero of the show in Season 2, but who I did make the hero may or may not be better/worse. You'll see...]

[Clappy: I didn't even consider him to be a darkhorse. Hassan just came off as a dick who was trying to be the show-off. I can gladly say that Season 2 might be better in that regard if Hassan is no longer the hero.]

[Hayden: So let me get this straight, you can save a bunch of robots from their fate and forgive them but you'll murder Goosey in cold blood?]

 

They then saw AOF, and Hassan shot a wire at him. It shocked AOF, and his eyes turned green instead of red.

 

[Jjs: 

]

[steel: Must be his ghost sense.]

[Trophy: *grabs jjs and drops him into lava*]

[Clappy:  ]

[Hayden: Green is the universal color of goodness.]

 

Just then, all of the other robots' eyes turned green, and began turn good of their personality. 

 

[Halibut: "Began turn good of their personality." Won't you look at that, SOF co-wrote for part of this episode.]

 

"Woo hoo!" Clappy yelled.

 

[Jjs: Ohai Clappy.]

[steel: WHEN I FEEL HEAVY METAL!]

[Clappy: Ugh, my inclusion in this chapter was beyond unnecessary except for dropping curse words because CURSING LOL or be the supportive cheerleader.]

 

"Now we just got to take down the big guy," Hassan said, referring to suitelife.

 

[Hayden: More like a puny insignificant runt.

]

 

"I'll take care of that," 70s said as he hopped into a cannon, and was shot out.

 

[Jjs: What the fuck? Where did a cannon come from!? Oh forget it, just forget it...]

[steel: 70s is now Cannonball Jenkins.]

[Halibut: I'm just glad 70s did some work as a professional circus daredevil before he came to the island.]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"You were right Suitelife, this war is over, but WE won," 70s yelled as he hovered over him and jumped down at him, punching him.

 

[Jjs: Of course, let's have 70s save the day now, despite the fact he caused suitelife to go insane and commissioned Goosey to be murdered. Yup, a true American hero.]

[Clappy:  ]

[Hayden: 70s is a real Mr. Krabs to Suitelife's Plankton.]

 

"NO! My plan was full-proof..it..it-" Suitelife panicked and then ran away.

 

Ex was also freed.

 

[steel: It shouldn't take that long for him to be untied from that tree...]

[Clappy: It took that long for Ex to be freed from the tree? God, SBC is just a bunch of dicks.]

[Hayden: He was pretty cozy on that tree.]

 

"Let me after him," Ex said.

 

"No, we have a little surprise planned for him.." Hassan said.

 

[Jjs: Another SOF foreplay?]

[Hayden: A random unnecessary SBC surprise party?]

 

Suitelife returned to the army of his opposite robots.

 

"Hello my minions, some of you can thank me for reviving you later, but first we must attack SB-"

 

70s appeared and so did the SBC users.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: and so did the rest of the SBC users]

[steel: So 70s is not a SBC user and a person on his own?]

 

"The robots are tied of being used as your slaves to do your dirty work," 70s explained.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: tired]

[steel: Oh boy...]

[Halibut: This lit is starting to make me tied.]

 

We saw SBC users and opposites getting along.

 

[Clappy: I'm going to save the Patrick boo gif some grief for once.]

[Hayden: Allow me then...

 ]

 

"No! This is some trick!" Suitelife said.

 

[Halibut: Yes, it is a magic trick. If only the SBC users could make this lit disappear before my very eyes.]

[steel: Can it be sawed in half instead?]

[Hayden: At least it's not a treat. I hear Goosey hates treats.]

 

"It is no trick. It is rebooting the programs of your bots," Hassan said.

 

"Indeed," Massan replied.

 

"Take this fucker," Dragiiin yelled as he jabbed a blade through Suitelife.

 

[Jjs: It's a good thing Drag carries that around at all times apparently. Remember kids, if you ever get in trouble for having a knife/blade out in public, remind people it can be used to kill a psychopath trying to destroy a SpongeBob website!]

[steel: Man, everyone's got something in this island.]

[Hayden: So this death gets to be shown?]

 

"For the safety of SBC, you are banished!" 70s yelled as the robots froze Suitelife in a block of ice.

 

"NOOOO!" Suitelife echoed before he was frozen, and placed deep within the caves of the island.

 

[Jjs: What, no "I WAS FROZEN TODAY" joke from SOF? I guess I'll do it if the story can't...

 

]

[steel: SOF of the "exciting critic's corner" already beat you to it.]

[Hayden: So he suffered the same fate as Dipper's shapeshifter.]

 

Even if he unfroze, he'd be dead from the blade.

 

[Jjs: ...sucks.]

[Clappy: Um no, that's not how the human anatomy works Past Jjs. You can't have a back-up plan to kill someone that's already dead from hypothermia.]

[Hayden: Seems a tad redundant to freeze him after the spearing. Douches just didn't want to dig a hole.]

 

And so, SBC was safe again. The robots had rebuilt their colony on the island without Suitelife's harsh rules and laws.

 

[steel: And so, SBC was safe again, thanks to the Powerpuff Girls, members of SBC!]

[Hayden: So the robots are a bunch of dirty thieves. The deed to the island strictly forbids this. Or maybe they found it and this is Gravity Falls logic.]

 

"I've been meaning to ask..since when did we have a boat?" 70s wondered.

 

[Jjs: THANK YOU!]

 

"My uncle was a sailor," Fa said.

 

[Jjs: And to justify my ass pull, we also ass pull a character that we'll never see. I think this lit definitely will be in the Ass Pull Police Jail for a while...]

[Halibut: By this logic, Suitelife's aunt was a rocket scientist.]

[steel: And my cousin twice removed was a famed spin-off writer.]

[Hayden: My father is the president.]

[Clappy: Bullshit. All this ass pulling is bullshit.]

 

"Oh, I see. Opposites and SBC users getting along...it is a big happy family," 70s said.

 

[Jjs: Cool story bro. That's all folks. This wasn't the worst thing ever, but-]

[stitch: OHANA MEANS FAMILY.]

 

"Well, now what do we do?" Clappy asked.

 

[Jjs: I dunno, have another party. Anyways, this wasn't the worst thing ever, but-]

 

"I suppose we go back to SBC after this party," Hassan said.

 

[Jjs: SHUT UP!]

[Hayden: Or they could go back to the real world.]

[steel: Hopefully the next party in the Parties forum doesn't get inconveniently interrupted again.]

 

The episode faded with the opposite robots playing games with the SBC users.

 

[Jjs: THANK YOU!]

[Hayden: I wonder what kind of games a robot would like?]

[Clappy: What? No elaboration on what kind of games? How about how much bullshit can one season finale include?]

 

The End.

 

(...For now)

 

[Jjs: *sigh* If only this was the end, as Season 2 was probably one of the worst things I've ever made.

 

Okay, so this wasn't the worst thing we've riffed, but coming from the creator, it definitely has not aged well at all. Much like Bikini Top being "the best spin-off ever", SBCPU was also considered the "best literature" of its time, and I don't think it really deserves that title. I feel series like ATTWL, Community Deathmatch, ect have taken that title long ago. While the lit has some amusing campiness, sadly the slow plot, dull characters, inconsistencies/plot holes, mean-spirited tone in some places, and over the top goofiness really brings it down. I think we can agree this was good in 2011, but much like Bikini Top, it definitely did not age well as the years go by, and I'm baffled at how people praised it. Season 2 however, has gotten lots more controversy, even from some people who liked the first season couldn't defend it. That alone should be enough to make you scared for it when we get to it, and trust me, we will...]

[Halibut: This was a very, very weird lit. Even with the context that a lot of the stuff in this lit is meant to have symbolism and shit, it doesn't excuse how mind-blowingly confusing this thing can be at times. Three fourths of the characters did jack-shit, ass-pulls were happening willy nilly and the plot got very hard to follow, especially in the middle of the season. I cannot wait to see how bad season 2 is considering how jjs described it. So I say "goodbye" and the opposite of me, Goldfish, says "hello."]

[Trophy: RIP Goosebumpsfan and a naked CDCB, dead forever, never to be seen again. Also, here's this. *drops jjs into a vat of boiling oil and leaves the theater to be brainwashed into thinking I never did this*] 

[steel: After that re-reading, I gotta admit how flawed this Lit was. Some of the members'/characters' dialogue sounded generic, in fact, most of the members sounded unlike themselves. Continuing on with its problems, there's definitely Goosey, who Jjs tries to make out as a bad guy, but comes out as pretty sympathetic, followed by the disproportionate death. And lastly, Hassan takes up a whole lot of focus in this story compared to the rest of the SBC members aside from suitelife and there comes times where stuff happens out of nowhere/conveniently. At first, I seemed to really like this lit, but now.....I think it's okay. It was just okay. You guys would point out how it's So Bad, It's Good. I know, it's silly, but not in a way I think it's bad in a good way, but in a way of me saying that it's not enjoyable, yet also not really a horrible Lit either. I'm glad this is the last episode of the season, and I'm done here.]

[Clappy: I already gave a summary on my thoughts for this first season last time I riffed, but holy mother of God was this finale just brutally bad. Once again, not the worst thing I've ever riffed, but this was easily the worst episode of the first season. God, all the plot conveniences were massive amounts of bullshit. One or two would be fine, but this was more like twenty or thirty. Holy god, was everything about this chapter just absolute shit. Hated this from starting to end. Don't know how bad Season 2 was, but I will be hard pressed to find it worse than this. Thanks once again for inviting me to riff this Jjs. Looking forward to working with you again in the near future.]

[Hayden: Not even shitting you right now. I think Bikini Top S1 was better than this in the entertainment factor. At least it didn't flanderize existing users (for the most part) and at least despite the laughable writing, a few things happened. All 26 of these chapters felt like nothing happened. Maybe that's just me though. Maybe season 2 will amuse me more since everyone apparently despises it. Well, just call me when you need me back....maybe.

 ]

[Metal Snake]

This was good, but I liked the riffing for last episode better. Too much there was spot-on. Anyways, I'm excited to riff SBCPU S2. Believe it or not, I actually have a good feeling I'll like it better than S1.