Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000

[Pearl]

The Treedome of Horror is my absolute favorite XD K could not stop laughing!

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

 

29. Gruesome Like Garg

Spoiler

29. Gruesome Like Garg

 

"OMJ!!" Elastic cried in panic from his crash.

 

[Metal Snake: That could’ve been worded better. Had I not read the previous chapter, I might’ve assumed that Elastic crashed at OMJ’s place in the middle of all of this.]

[Fa: Hey guys, I'm here for my first day.... Did I come at a bad time?]

[Hayden: Wouldn't be a FUNeral without you Fa.]

 

"But...huh....how? The Pulp Rider was in fine condition at practice.." 70s said, not believing his eyes.

 

[Hayden: I'm guessing SBCers were lazy as usual and only tested it once. Or some cliché CHEATING occurred. Probably the former.]

[steel: Even his eyes can't believe his lies.]

 

OMJ lived however, but he was injured.

 

[Hayden:  ]

[Metal Snake: “However, but”?

 

...Yeah, for once I don’t have a joke regarding spelling/grammar nitpicks for a change. Oh wait, I just made one]

[steel: OMJ lived however: "That's good!"

....but he was injured: "That's bad!"]

 

We saw a medical team carrying him out of the destroyed ship.

 

[steel:

]

 

We see the Dark Ones watching from the sidelines.

 

[Hayden: JCM, teenj, and Nuggets are in this season now? *gets shot.....but not by the police because white*]

[Fa: Only the best evil villains get such an evil nickname as the Dark Ones.]

 

"It looks like our plan worked..." Dradius laughed, wearing a hood.

 

[Metal Snake: True evil wears hoodies.]

[Hayden: Damn, I didn't know they made dragon sized hoodies. Must have cost him a fortune. Dradius's motivation for the prize confirmed.]

[steel: I bet he got it from Build-A-Dragon or Build-a-Lit-Original-Character Workshop.]

 

"You did this?" Phalos asked.

 

[Fa: What made you think that, Phalos? He was clearly laughing with himself as all great super villains do.]

[Hayden: Because clearly they wouldn't talk about it together until after it happened.]

 

"Yes, I snuck a little gift on the SBC Team's ship while they weren't looking, and boom...there goes their pilot.

 

[Fa: Boom goes the Dynamite!]

[Metal Snake: The pilot to the original show of this, obviously. That’s why it had to be turned into Season 2 of SBC Parallel Universe.]

[Hayden: No pilot, nothing for network to look at, show canceled.]

[steel: So Dradius is a Delibird now?]

 

Had to take out, they were a threat to our chances of winning." Dradius laughed.

 

[Fa: Had to take out who? The Light Ones?]

[Metal Snake: Yeah, that Chinese restaurant was bad news.]

[Hayden: Dragons, Chinese, I get it.]

[steel: DISHONOR ON YOUR WHOLE FAMILY! (I just had to. Shut up.)]

 

"EVERYONE, ENOUGH!" A mysterious voiced yelled.

 

[Fa: Remember kids: If a mysterious voice from above commands something of you, unquestionably do it. Better to be a part of the short-lived New World Order than the eventual victors.]

 

Everyone was confused.

 

[Fa: Is everyone co- oh, never mind.]

[Hayden: Literally everyone because the voice boomed out across the universe.]

[steel: And at least half of them hurt themselves in confusion.]

 

We see a giant mystical figure appear from nowhere. He had orange and purple robes with a mystic hat.

 

[Metal Snake: The robes had a mystic hat? I guess his magic clothes like to dress fancy.]

[steel: So, by Metal's logic, what is this mystical figure wearing? I can't imagine this guy coming out of nowhere in the nude.]

[Hayden: Please be SpongeSebastian.]

 

It was the Grand Ruler!

 

[Fa: He may be a Grand Ruler, but there's only one Grand Club Master!]

[Hayden: Measure my dick if you're so grand, bro.]

 

"the grand ruler is here!" SOF yelled as he bowed.

 

[Hayden: Stick to being Jjs's bitch Kan.]

[steel: *incoming wall of text*]

 

"Proud pilots...this race has been challenging, but amazing so far. Unfortunately, we will always get a crash here and then. HOWEVER! As The Gristles didn't win either, nor did SBC, this calls for a rematch. Team SBC may gather a new pilot in the meantime, but their rematch will begin at 4 PM. I do have a warning: If any team DOES put the fate of another into risk, they will be disqualified, and we will find out something happened. Thank you for all for listening." Grand Ruler said as he disappeared.

 

[Metal Snake: Try reading that last paragraph in that notorious “Fast Talking Announcer” voice. You’ll be surprised at how much more entertaining it makes it.]

[Fa: I tried that, all I got was spit all over my computer, not much more excitement.]

[Hayden: Interesting time to add that last minute rule in.]

[steel: Headcanon: the Grand Ruler is the Micro Machines Guy.]

 

"Grand Ruler....always getting in our way.." Gargos said.

 

[steel: Well Gargos, hard times call for drastic MEASURES.]

 

"No worries....they'll never know." Dradius laughed.

 

[Hayden:  ]

 

"But...the ship had to be rigged. I know it." teenj said.

 

[Hayden: Aha, our Dark Savior and new protagonist appear-eth!]

[Metal Snake: Wait, transition? Hello? Where are you? Why is teenj suddenly with the Dark Ones? I’ll be honest though, I never trusted him…]

[Fa: Hey…. Do these….. Dramatic Pauses….. Not actually…. Help!?]

 

"Teenj, I am with you on this one....the Pulp Rider was working fine until the race.." Clappy said.

 

[Fa: Oh ok, Teenj is a double agent…. Oh wait, the transitions were just wrecking my thought process. Carry on.]

[Hayden: How are any of them capable of thinking this independently without Hassan here?]

[steel: I'd use a ellipses counter, but I'm too lazy for that.]

 

"Well, what's done is done." JCM said sadly.

 

[Hayden: Well, with that attitude, JCM is crossed off the black guy hero list.]

 

"Well everyone, the good news is we have a rematch. The bad news is, OMJ will be in the island's hospital for quite some time, so we need a replacement pilot." 70s explained.

 

[Metal Snake: Though I don’t see anything riffworthy at the moment, I would like to point out that this is a good point to start making count of how many times 70s is just conveniently standing around providing dialogue needed to move the plot along if you haven’t already. Again, you would be surprised.]

[Hayden: 70s wasn't written as a leader because Jjs subconsciously knew 70s was just a little twerp.]

 

"But who? I'm not doing it.." tvguy said.

 

[Hayden: He has too much television to catch up on.]

[Fa: Why have 70s provide filler dialogue when Tvguy does it even better?]

[Metal Snake: I’m just here for the free food.]

[steel: tvguy's like "screw you guys, I wanna go home."]

 

"Well....I guess I will." Ex said, stepping out of the shadows.

 

[Hayden: OF COURSE. How could I have left out the Dark Lord himself? KIZUNA! Make us proud you beautiful brown angel.]

[Fa: *dun dun ta dun* Surprises and intrigue are here throughout!]

[Metal Snake: What, was he just standing behind a pillar or a door this whole time waiting to do something for dramatic effect?]

[steel: >stepping out of the shadows. Yep, totally not evil.]

 

"Alright then Sexy Ex, but are you sure?" 70s asked.

 

[Hayden: 70s is bicurious. If his fascination with Glee hadn't given it away.]

 

"Well, from watching, I think I'll be fine brah," Ex said as he got into the repaired ship.

 

[Hayden: I guess it only took 5 minutes to repair that since it took an hour to build.]

 

"Just make sure NOTHING suspicious is on the rider until the race." 70s said. "We don't want this to happen again."

 

[Fa: Thanks for the emphasis, because I already forgot about the rider being rigged to begin with. Otherwise we’d be in the endless repeat of explosion and death.]

[Hayden: Common sense award goes to....]

[steel: Flashback to Ex appearing out of the shadows, I'm sure the only thing suspicious to be on the rider is the replacement pilot himself.]

 

Ex did some test rides. Having watched several animes with riders and what not, he knew what he was doing.

 

[Metal Snake: Yeah. Just like how I know how to draw from reading manga books.]

[Fa: Wow, Ex is a pretty fast learner. So then, why can’t I still go Super Sayian!?]

[Hayden: Does this mean I can now do all the insane physical feats Ash Ketchum has done throughout the anime?]

[steel: So he knew what he was doing without any particular mishaps or acknowledging that he has made at least some mistakes? Pretty close to Marty Stu traits, if you think really close on that.]

 

"Well guys, I think I'm fine for now." Ex said.

 

"Be careful," Clappy warned.

 

[Hayden: Like a loving father to his son. Stern but gentle.]

 

"Alright folks, it's time for SBC VS. Gristles rematch!" SOF yelled.

 

Garg came out along with Ex in their ships.

 

[steel: I'm aware that characters like Garg and Phalos have been in the previous episode, but can I just say that these names sound almost as if they came from the Pokemon Colosseum/XD rejected names bin?]

 

"Hmph, new pilot or not, you humans are going down!" Garg yelled as steam exploded from his ship.

 

[Metal Snake: RAWR! My ship desperately needs repairs! Fear me!]

[Hayden: He's gruesome in the repulsive way even if he doesn't strike fear into my soul.]

[steel: He definitely needs to work on his self-ESTEAM. Not to mention how STEAMING hot his temper is. He's quite a STEAMPUNK. Okay, I'll stop.]

 

"What's with this guy raping the steam?" Elastic asked.

 

[Fa: Hey, maybe we should try to understand this Garg guy. I mean, he has the ability to fornicate with air. That's something you don't see everyday.]

[steel: Geddit? Cuz' Rusty's Raping Rampage and trains have steam???]

 

"He exerts steam from his mouth, it is in his nature," Jjs explained, as he did some research on the Gristles.

 

[Metal Snake: Tsk, tsk. Most overpowered self-insert in story ever Jjs, for shame. No one alive can check Wikipedia that fast.]

[Hayden: .....So it was Garg himself and not the ship. BE MORE SPECIFIC.]

 

"Begin!" JeremyCreek yelled.

 

Ex drove out first with the Pulp Rider, and shot missiles at Garg.

 

[Fa: Oh, well that escalated quickly...]

[Hayden: Quick and total destruction. Ex's relationships and his combat style.]

[steel: LETSSTARTTHERACE OKAYGO!]

 

"Bragh!" Garg yelled as his ship clashed into the Pulp Rider, knocking Ex back a bit.

 

[Metal Snake: Wow, he’s taking those missile blasts pretty well.]

 

"As crappy as Garg's ship is, it can pack a punch if you ram into it," 70s warned on screen.

 

"Will keep a note of that," Ex said as he drove faster.

 

[Hayden: It's something you should already be aware of or else I fear for this decision of pilot.]

 

The race track was getting rough, but it was the same one from before. They then flew out to the shore, and Ex was ahead. Garg then shot a bullet down at the Pulp Rider's right wing, making it lose traction.

 

[Metal Snake: Okay, I’m not going to let you off that easy this time. How the fuck does a tiny bullet make a technologically advanced ship start swerving out of control when Garg’s so called “crappy ship” withstood MISSILE BLASTS?! At least be consistent!]

[Fa: Hey, don’t be so harsh on him MS. It could have been…. Yeah, forget me, that was just pretty weak.]

[Hayden: They are called missiles. They obviously missed Garg's ship.]

[steel: Obviously, they should've checked the Pulp Rider for indestructibility against bullets.]

 

"Aw fuck!" Ex yelled. The Pulp Rider had to go down to the surface, and Garg was approaching fast.

 

"Wait, I has an idea," Ex said, as he began to turn the ship around. He pointed the laser guns at the center of Garg's ship.

 

"Those bolts look very unstable, if I shoot at them, they could come apart," Ex said.

 

[Metal Snake: He didn’t even have the screws on his ship properly tightened?! What a nutjob.]

 

"Ex...I hope this works..." tvguy panicked.

 

Garg roared steam.

 

[Metal Snake: You know, I just might give into my temptation for once and make a Valve joke.]

[Hayden: This is what I'm picturing him as now. 

 ]

 

"GARG!" Garg yelled as he approached faster.

 

[Fa: FA! Am I a supervillain yet? I CAN YELL MY OWN NAME TOO!]

[Hayden: I hope SOF starts calling you Gargy.]

[steel: Garg, I choose you!]

 

Ex then shot the lasers at the joints, and Garg's ship came flying down into two parts, smashing into the shore. Garg got out, and was about to collapse. Steam exploded from his mouth.

 

[Metal Snake: “Eh, they’re still a better company than EA.”

 

Yeah, I finally gave in. I suck.]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"I'm alive? I'M ALIVE BITCHES!" Ex yelled. He began to slightly fly the Pulp Rider up, and made it through the gate.

 

[steel: At least he wasn't however, but injured.]

 

"And the SBC Team wins!" JeremyCreek yelled.

 

The crowd roared and cheered. Garg's symbol disappeared from the stone drawing.

 

[Metal Snake: “You’re out of the club, loser! But you can still carry our stuff! ”]

 

"Ex did it!" OMJ yelled as he watched from the hospital. "Keep it up brah!"

 

"He did it," 70s said.

 

[Hayden:  ]

 

"Ugh..acursed human!" Garg groaned.

 

[Hayden: You seem like a complex creature.]

 

"Nice job Ex, with you, we can win this!" Tvguy said.

 

"Woo! For he's a jolly good rookie, jolly good rookie!" SpongeSebastian said, as the SBCers were holding up Ex.

 

[steel: I'll bet if [Garg] had just one friend, he wouldn't be such a meanie...]

[Metal Snake: Ex delivers the pizza on time.]

[Hayden: Sebastian's our real rookie. Ex knows every fine grain of this shit.]

 

"Don't get too excited SBC, you will be going down.." Mothra said, watching their party in the distance.

 

[steel: She's yelling TIMBER! They better move.]

[Hayden: Are you SBM's only member? Anyways, this chapter was forgettable besides the sudden promotion for Ex. I don't have as many choice words for it as Clap might but I hope our villains get personalities soon. It's sad because the way Dradius was written in the s2 premiere was at least less one dimensional.]

[Metal Snake: Like a clown, Charlie Brown…

Lulzy as this was, I honestly liked this and the two episodes before it better than the first three episodes of SBCPU S1. I can’t wait to riff more of this.]

[Fa: Oh Mothra, what a convenient fade away villain you are… Overall kind of lulzy, but the enjoyable kind. Pretty good starting point for my Riffing career, hopefully many more to come.]

Edited May 3, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

 

30. Star Like Sprint

 

Spoiler

30. Star Like Sprint

[OMJ: So Sprint decided to sponsor this lit only if you gave them a starring role? And who says SBC ain't a business?]
[JCM: The title of the next chapter will be Vicious Like Verizon.]
[Trophy: Amazing as AT&T.]

"Great job Ex!" 70s said in the hanger.

[OMJ: Something tells me that hanger never gave consent.]

"Thanks broski, I might just have the hang of this," Ex said.

[OMJ: I mean, you've watched Kamen Rider, Easy Rider, Pale Rider and Whale Rider. You should have this in the bag.]
[JCM: Why can't I drive a car after watching all of Wacky Races?]

Ex then went out into the town of the Opposite Island. A lot of things had changed since their encounter there. We see tons of teams at markets and what not.

[OMJ: Hawaii doesn't have any whatnots. ]

Just then, Ex went into a bar,

 

[JCM: Ooh, ooh, I've heard this one before!]

[Trophy: That must've hurt, silly Ex.]
[OMJ: What's the legal age on Opposite Island, 11?]

and we saw some users and opposites in there.
 
[JCM: That's not the punchline!]
[OMJ: It's about high time the "Parallel Universe" part of this lit's name came into the mix. And it's not even a parallel universe!]

"Hello, proud SBC team pilot! What can I get you?" Familyguyfa asked.

"Hm, I'll take some Bash Punch," Ex said.

[Ex: Beaten, not stirred.]
[Trophy: Bass... but this isn't SpongeBob related, so what's with the puns?]
[JCM: Bash Punch also happens to be one of this lit's sponsors, hence the product placement.]

Just then, Garg entered into the bar.

"GROAR!" Garg yelled, steaming as he approached Ex.

[Garg: 1% evil, 99% hot gas.]
[JCM: Someone's griled up.]

"Oh, it's you shithead! Up for another rematch?" Ex asked. Everyone laughed.

[OMJ: HAHAHAHAHA, I'm laughing cuz I have no clue what's so goddamn funny!]

Garg steamed some more.
 
[JCM: You should really see a doctor about that.]
[OMJ: Can't beat those summer sales.]

"Heh Garg, lost to the SBC team? The toughest man around, and on his first match?" Wood Sponge laughed.

[Trophy: So Garg is a human that can blow out steam? K den.]
[Everyone: ALRIGHT ALREADY!]

Garg then threw Wood into the wall,

[Trophy: Was it a wooden wall?  ]
[OMJ: What a nice guy, actually, reinforcing the wall like that.]
[JCM: Though I'm not sure why he reinforced it with his penis.]

and everyone panicked. Garg approached Ex.

"RARG! You made me look like a fool in front of EVERYONE! EVEN MY PEOPLE!"
 
[JCM: Now all the other gargoyles won't let him play in any gargoyle games.]
 
Garg yelled, steaming up the whole room. He grabbed Ex.

[Priest: Where did the bad thing touch you?]

[Ex: *points to man area*]
[OMJ: WE GET IT, THEY HAVE GOOD DEALS! NO NEED TO BLOW IT INTO MY CONSOLE FACE!]

"I'm sorry man, but no need to be a soar loser," Ex said, as he kicked Garg in the face.

[OMJ: I get it, cuz that kick sent him "soaring" I'm sure. But there's no need to be a soar winner either, Ex.]

Just then, Mothra appeared, and shot an arrow at Garg.
 
[JCM: Who brings arrows to a bar?]
 
She then kicked him in the face, and his helmet went flying off. He then quickly fled.

[Trophy: And that guy is supposed to be tough how?]
[OMJ: About as quickly as that all happened, I'm sure.]

"Moth, but why?" Ex asked.

"Consider it thanks, but this doesn't mean we're best friends," Mothra said.

[Mothra: See ya later boyfriend.]
[OMJ: ...Thanks for what?! Being a friend with benefits?!]
[JCM: Ex must have assisted Mothra during her battle with Godzilla.]

Ex went back to the hanger, and heard the gong ring. The next match for Course 1 was beginning.

[OMJ: I think I know who our main protagonist is gonna be. Yep, Mothra's gonna change her SBM ways and finally leave that sinking ship.]

We see everyone in the stadium.
 
[JCM: Everyone on the planet? That must be a really big stadium,]

"Alright folks, we're off to a good start! 

[OMJ: Yeah, it's not like I was involved in a near-fatal crash or anything.]

The next match is... SBC VS. Accelerators!" SOF yelled. 

[Trophy: So two matches in a row? I know with the delay and all, but seriously?]
[OMJ: The Accelerators? I remember those guys from our days partying in the Parties section!]

The stadium was filled with cheers.

[OMJ: You managed to get the whole cast of Cheers on board and made parallel robot duplicates of them?]
[JCM: At least you don't have to worry about them forgetting your name.]

"The Accelerators are a 3 man team with 3 famous racers." teenj said.

[Trophy: This is a tag-team game now?]
[OMJ: How many times did you refresh Wikipedia to find that one, 3?]

"Oh boy, Speed Racers?" Ex joked. "Or Kamen Riders?"

[OMJ: Nah, Wacky Racers.]

"Ex...be careful. Don't get over confident," teenj said.
 
[JCM: Yeah, Confident prefers to be on top.]
[OMJ: Says the refresh-for-views guy.]

"Uh...I won't?" Ex said.

[OMJ: Well that's reassuring.]
[Trophy: How is that a question.]

We see the Accelerators' ship appear. There were 3 people on it - Sprint, Frint and Grint.
 
[JCM: Huey, Dewey, and Louie's third cousins thrice removed.]
[Trophy: You couldn't make it Zoom, Vroom, and Kaboom? I couldn't find a third one, k?]

[OMJ: You couldn't make their names something else that means fast, like Dash, Dart, Zoom, fuck go with Ex and put in Speed Racer, but no, you consulted the Jjs name generator for one and Rupert Grint for the other?!]

Sprint was the main leader, and he had a green and white suit. Frint had red and white, and Grint was blue and white.

[Grint and Frint: AMURICA, FUCK YEAH!]
[OMJ: GO GO ACCELERATORS!]
[JCM: Out of all the details you could have focused on, you chose the colors of their suits?]

"Thank you all my great people!" Sprint yelled out to them.

[OMJ: Yeah, Cheers was pretty great.]

His racer was basically a hovering speed car. 
 
[JCM: Back to the Future was right! We do get hover cars in 2015!]
[OMJ: Just "Accelerator-style", y'know.]

Frint and Grint were helpers.

[Trophy: So deadweight? Some big 3 man team.]
[OMJ: So they're gonna be as irrelevant as their ridiculous names suggest?]

Ex got into the Pulp Rider, and the three Accelerators were in their ship.
 
[OMJ: So are all three of them piloting? Why can't we have helpers in our racer with us? Is this to get back at us for SOF giving us a slight edge two episodes ago?]
[JCM: Frint and Grint use toy wheels like Maggie from the The Simpsons.]

"Also everyone, this match will have a SPECIAL CHALLENGE! Whenever there is a special challenge, we pick a ball from this bag, and it will have a symbol on it for a special race," JeremyCreek said.

[OMJ: That's probably how Jjs went about writing this whole bloomin story, pick something random out of a bag and just roll with it no matter how head scratching.]

SOF reached into the bag, and picked up a ball. It had a maze symbol on it.
 
[JCM: Representing how puzzling this plotline had gotten.]
[Trophy: Oh goody.]

"The challenge is...a MAZE RACE!" SOF yelled.

[OMJ: Pfft, and here I was thinking it'd be tic tac toe.]

"the 2 teams have to get out of a maze filled with tricky traps," SOF said.

[Trophy: Aha, padding for alliteration, amazing there.]
[OMJ: So more Looney Tunes-inspired slapstick, in other words.]
[JCM: This is where my Wacky Races knowledge would really come in handy.]

The 2 racers then went off into the maze. There was already some sharp turns. 
 
[JCM: And some bad grammar.]
 
Ex went into a tunnel, but saw blades came flying out.

[Trophy: ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL THEM AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO OMJ?]
[OMJ: Now, I don't know whether those turns were just that sudden or if they literally had saw blades flying out of them.]

"Stupid maze!" Ex yelled as he fired lasers at the blades, blowing up the tunnel.
 
[JCM: How does that even work.]
 
Sprint and his crew successfully got out without a scratch.

"Beat that!" Sprint yelled as he winked.

[OMJ: Oh, my dirty mind.  ]

"Kamen Rider?!" Ex said as he pulled over.
 
[JCM: Yes. Kamen Rider came all the way to Opposite Island to watch you inexplicably blow up tunnels.]

"What the? I'm an Accelerator, not whatever a Kamen Rider is.." Sprint said as he got ahead.

[OMJ: Well that was random af.]

"What the fuck...you have no idea what Kamen Riders are?" Ex said. "And you claim to be a great racer?"
 
[JCM: That's like not knowing who Antoine de Saint-Exupéry is and claiming to be a great writer!]
[Ex: Well, I ain't buyin'!]
[Trophy: I don't know what SpongeBob is, but because it has sponges, I'M HIS BIGGEST FAN!]

He then fired lasers at his ship, but Sprint was fast.

[OMJ: Tony Fast.  Yes, I've watched newer episodes. And yes, I'm just as surprised as you are.]

"Catch me now!" Sprint yelled. Grint and Frint were piloting gunner turrets on the sides of the racer, and fired bullets at the Pulp Rider.

 

[JCM: Where are they getting these weapons from? Did they rob a US arsenal?]

 

They then entered a valley with boulders coming down, and the Pulp Rider got hit.

[OMJ: The boulders are more of a threat than our actual opponents.]

"Ugh, I think this may be it for me!" Ex said, panicked.

"Don't give up!" 70s said on screen.

 

[JCM: 70s certainly gave up being anything other than useless.]

 

Ex then raced by Sprint, and the others, and Sprint got hit by a boulder. Their ship came apart, and the three went flying off to the side.

 

[Trophy: ...How big is the hover car?]

 

Ex then raced through the gate after dodging some geysers, and flew through some jagged walls in a small maze, got through, and won!

 

[OMJ: Wow, 70s should pop up randomly and encourage us more often. Maybe then we'll actually be the #1 SpongeBob forum.  ]

 

"AND SBC WINS THEIR 2ND MATCH!" SOF yelled.

 

[JCM: HOW EXACTLY, NOBODY KNOWS!]

 

The stadium exploded with cheers.

[OMJ: RIP cast of Cheers.]

 

"Good game," Frint said as he shook Ex's hand. Grint and Sprint did so as well.

 

[JCM: If only Ex knew where they had just put their hands.]

 

"Oh well gang, we're still a team!" Sprint said, as he went off with the two.

[Trophy: What were they in for then? Obviously the prize, but why waste their time if they just went off like that?]
[OMJ: They take their losses more well than how Ex takes his wins.]

"Now, the next match is Astrals VS. Niffs!" JeremyCreek said. 

 

[Trophy: Dafreakinhell is a Niff?]

[OMJ: Oh yeah, I remember them during our days partying in the Parties section!]

Ex then went back to the hanger, and decided to take a nap.

 

[JCM: This lit is boring him too.]

[Trophy: So am I.]

[OMJ: But fuck them, they'd put us to sleep anyway.]

.....

[OMJ: You have to admire the scene transitions, lightyears ahead of their time.]

 

We see Dradius and the other Dark Ones behind the stadium, in a dark corner.

[OMJ: Can you guys get anymore dark? Rape and murder someone why won't ya, or in reverse even.]

 

"Hmph, SBC seems very tough to beat, but don't worry, you can do it. If you can spam then, you can beat them in a race," Dradius said, as a hooded figure appeared.

 

[JCM: That hooded figure better watch out for George Zimmerman.]

 

"I will do so, bro," the man said, to reveal WhaleBlubber.

[OMJ: And already, the boulders seem like a bigger threat than these guys.  ]

[Trophy: LOGIC, YOU MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE! I'M OUTTA HERE!]

 

Edited May 3, 2017 by jjsthekid

[SpongeOddFan]

nice job on your 1st riff, Fa

[Metal Snake]

Good job on your first time riffing, Fa. The riffs for 29 were good, but the riffs for 30 were funnier to me.

[Katniss]

Just read through the riffing of Bikini Top season 1. That was absolutely hilarious!   I'll definitely have to check out more riffs from this thread.

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

 

31. Dashing Like The Duelist

Spoiler

31. Dashing Like The Duelist

 

[Jjs: Dashing Like Rainbow Dash would've sounded better to me.]

 

We see Ex in the hanger.

 

[Jjs: PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE! Five episodes in, and I still sadly never noticed this lulzy typo, just like "liar". Oh well, I never said I was perfect.]

"Well, we're doing good guys," Clappy said.

 

[Jjs: Yes. Yes, you are.]

[Fa: Thanks for the fascinating insight, Clappy.]

 

We then hear a huge crowd outside the hanger.

 

[Jjs: I assume this must be a riot of SBMers?]

"Alright, what the hell is going on?" Ex asked.

We see Mothra dueling a tall stranger.

 

[Fa: Tall Strangers also make for good villains, even more so then hood strangers.]

[Jjs: Eh, I was close enough.]

 

Their swords are clashing. In the end, the taller stranger defeats Mothra and takes her sword.

 

[Fa: Thanks for clarifying that they were clashing. I would have thought they were just fake fighting otherwise.]

[Jjs: Wait, why would Mothra bring a sword to a race? But this is SBCPU after all.]

"No....but you won fair and square," Mothra sighed. The taller stranger laughed and put her sword in a large backpack on his back,

 

[Jjs: Thanks for establishing the backpack was on his back, or I would have thought it was on his stomach.]

[Fa: Hey, you never know jjs. I once saw someone wear a backpack on their butt once... in kindergarden.]

 

filled with other swords. He walked out.

 

[Jjs: Walked out of what? The scene? Was this in front of a live studio audience?]

[Fa: *Insert comically bad laugh track*]

"Mothra, what just happened? Who was that?" tvguy asked.

"I lost a duel...and my most precious sword. That was the Duelist, the most fiercest swordsman on the Earth," Mothra said. "He takes the loser's swords.."

 

[Fa: The duelist? How original.]
[Jjs: On Earth? Wow, even more experienced at using swords than members of ISIS!]

"Well, we may be rivals, but we'll help you get it back," teenj offered.

 

[Jjs: Thank you for your contribution to the conversation, teenj.]

"Well, that's fine, but don't think I am your friend after this," Mothra said.

 

[Fa: Nothing makes new friends like getting your ass kicked by a tall stranger.]

"So....how will we beat him? I don't have a sword.." Ex said.

 

[Jjs: So wait, is this whole episode going to be focused on swords? Wow, I focus on swords so much that it got to the point where an episode was dedicated to them.]

"No, but you have your racer," teenj said.

 

[Jjs: So you're suggesting to use a RACER in a SWORD fight. Makes sense to me, Ex could easily obliterate him with a laser.]

 

"So, beat him in a racing match? Not a bad idea, I just hope he approves of the challenge," Ex said. "But I still need a sword if he challenges me."

 

[Fa: Yes, because it's absolutely the norm to stop an ancient racing tournament for sword fights. Of course.]

"hmm, ask SOF," teenj said.

 

[Jjs: Holy crap, I can't believe this. Teenj had more than one line of dialogue for a minor character in an episode, impressive.]

Ex then bumped into SOF.

 

[Jjs: And we're back to the bumping gag from Season 1.]

 

"SOF, I can't believe I am saying this, but I need your help," Ex said.

 

[Jjs: We must really be in an opposite world!]

"oh?" SOF replied.

"I need you to make me a sword," Ex said.

 

[Fa: Yes, because I bet SOF of all people knows how to make swords.]
[Jjs: Watch out, Ex. Trusting SOF with this might turn out like how Clappy trusted Past!SOF to write ATTWL 3.]

"um, i not a sword maker..." SOF said.

"God fucking dam-" Ex was cut off.

 

[Jjs: That's what you get for interrupting SOF's exposition in 28!]

"..but i know a person who can." SOF said.

"Aight, show me," Ex said as SOF showed him. They arrived at a nearby blacksmith shop.

 

[Jjs: Which just happens to be on the island for the event. When was it ever said you could use SWORDS in RACING battles?! Pardon me if I missed something, but this seems like a random excuse for a sword episode.]
[Fa: Also, I might be overthinking this, but how long did it even take to set up all these buildings on the island? Did the opposite robots even agree to this?]

 

A person known as the Maker came out. He made the local weapons for everyone.

 

[Jjs: And by "local weapons", are you sure that doesn't mean drugs?]

"Ah, another poor soul ready to lose their sword," The Maker said.

"What do you mean?" Ex asked.

 

[Jjs: When did Ex enter the shop? I could assume right now he's just talking outside to nobody. See, this is why some details can come in handy.]

[Fa: Can we just say he teleported into the shop? It feels like an Ex thing to do.]

"So many people come here to have swords made, only to lose them to the Duelist...I've been booming in business and complaints thanks to him.." The Maker sighed.

"Well...can you make me a sword or give me one?" Ex asked.

 

[Fa: Uh... pretty sure that's the same thing, either way you look at it.]

"Fine, but don't be surprised if you lose it in 5 seconds," The Maker said.

 

[Jjs: I know The Duelist is supposedly a frightening man, and that I am overanalyzing this idiom, but I do not think he would gain Sonic speed and face Ex within 5 seconds...]

 

"You are one of my more calm customers...so I will make one. Be patient, this isn't an easy task."

 

[Fa: You may have the calming soul sword. It is practically useless, but it reflects your calmness.]

[Jjs: Calm customers? Was there some Black Friday mob at his shop?]

 

"How long has he been doing this?" Ex asked.

"The Duelist? Oh, he has been doing this for a looong time. Many years ago, he and another clashed with two powerful swords.....but the latter lost his to the Duelist, leaving the man in an empty shell, forced to leave the career of dueling," The Maker explained.

 

"Well, I'm getting not only my friend's sword back, but everyone's," Ex said.

 

[Fa: Well, nice to see we put Mothra as our enemy behind us pretty quickly.]

[Jjs: ...When was Mothra your friend? I know 2011 Ex did not like Mothra at all...]

"But remember - it is not the sword, it is your heart." The Maker said.

 

[Fa: Okay, that was just lamely generic.]

[Jjs: Seriously, now we're trying to force a moral into this episode?]

"Aight, enough of that mumbo jumbo, when will it be done?" Ex asked.

 

[Fa: Sheesh, when did defeating this Duelist become Ex's #1 priority? Does he have some title as a #1 Swordsman I don't know about?]

"Soon."

 

[Jjs: Three weeks later...]

Ex waited outside for a bit. He went back inside the hut.

"Is it done yet?" Ex asked.

"Nope."

[Jjs: Many months later...]

He waited more, and went back inside.

"Now?"

"NO!"

 

[Fa: Because this is absolutely necessary to the story.]
[Maker: Now GET OUT, YOU'RE SOILING ALL ME MONEY!]

Ex waited more, and fell asleep.

 

[Jjs: So much later that the narrator got tired of waiting, and they had to hire a new one.]
[Fa: Wow, even Ex is getting bored of this chapter.]

The Maker came outside, and presented to him a nice black sword.

 

[Jjs: Made from Jss' sword, I assume.]

"Perfect," Ex said.

"Just hope you don't end up like the poor souls," The Maker said as he went back into his shop.

"Wait...you were the duelist who faced him!" Ex said.

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

"Finally put it together, eh. Well yes, it is the sad truth....but he'll do the same to you and your racing career!" The Maker warned.

 

[Jjs: Well, that reveal was horribly forced out of nowhere. It's really hard for anyone to care about this "twist" when it's just some random sword maker introduced in this episode with little personality. It would've been awesome if the person who faced the duelist had been some obscure SBC member. Wasted opportunity.]

[Fa: Lamest revelation ever.]

"I'll be fine pops, this sword looks great," Ex said as he went off.

 

[Pops: Jolly good show!]

"Lord half mercy on that poor boy.." The Maker sighed. He then looked at the sky.

 

[Jjs: ...Why, exactly? Did he see a bird?]

We see Ex in the arena, ready for his next battle, which was coincidently enough, The Duelist.

 

[Jjs: WHAT A COINCIDENCE!]

His ship came out, and it was a giant rusty steel ship, with sword blades bursting out of it.

 

"This race will have another special match," JeremyCreek said. SOF reached into the bag, and pulled out a ball with a target symbol.

 

[Jjs: The target represents the riffing bait this lit is starting to become.]

 

"This special match is a Target Race!" SOF yelled.

 

[Fa: Winner gets a Target gift card. Get it? GET IT?.... Okay, I'll stop now.]

We see Ex talking to the Duelist.

"If I win this match, give me all of your swords." Ex said.

 

[Fa: And that special "loot", if you know what I mean...]

"Fair enough, and if you lose, you lose your life." The Duelist threatened.

 

[Fa: I kind of feel like the bets are a little stacked against Ex. Just me?]

[Jjs: ...And "death threats" haven't been outlawed in this race yet why?]

"For the Target Race, whichever team shoots the most targets and wins the most points, wins the match." SOF explained. "GO!"

 

[Jjs: I hope they both heard all those instructions before the abrupt "GO!"]

The two ships raced off. The Duelist sliced a bunch of targets with his blades and Ex shot some.

 

"You won't win!" Ex yelled as he clashed into his ship.

"You're becoming one irritation!" The Duelist said as he put his ship on auto pilot. He got out and faced Ex.

 

[Jjs: Wait...THEY CAN GET OUT OF THEIR VEHICLES IN A RACE?! This seems beyond forced now just for a cliche sword battle.]

[Fa: So I guess it is the norm after all. Or the writing is here just forced.]

Their swords clashed, and they faced each other. They were on the edge of the Pulp Rider's engine, and Ex jabbed the sword at the Duelist.

 

[Jjs: I could make a crude penis joke right here, but instead I'll just poke fun at Ex "jabbing" someone. So I guess I made a penis joke either way.]

 

Ex's sword broke in half.

 

[Jjs: 

]

 

"I win!" The Duelist laughed.

 

Ex then remembered what the Maker told him, and he used the broken part to attack The Duelist.

 

[Fa: How can you use a broken sword piece to still duel? I do not think that would work very well...]

"What is this?!" The Duelist panicked as Ex kicked him off the ship and down into the surface.

"I didn't need a sword after all," Ex laughed.

 

[Fa: Glad we needed all the filler for making the sword even more now.]

 

"Ugh.." The Duelist groaned.

 

[Jjs: What just happened sounds pretty "Ugh" to me.]

Ex managed to hit the rest of the targets, and won! He came out with 205 points.

 

[Jjs: This is Season 2, Episode 5. Clever nod.]

"And SBC wins!" JeremyCreek yelled.

 

[Fa: Will they ever lose? WHAT INTRIGUE!]

Just then, The Duelist got back up, and into the arena.

The Maker had been watching, and was proud.

 

[Jjs: So he was proud The Duelist is about to kill Ex?]

The Duelist grabbed a sword from his pack and attacked Ex, but the Maker blocked with a rusty steel sword.

 

[Jjs: A rusty steel sword? JCM, that's gross.]

"You helped him!?" The Duelist exclaimed.

"I came out of retirement," The Maker laughed, as he kicked his sword up and into the ground. He then sliced off his pack of swords, and pushed him to the ground. The Duelist then ran away.

 

[Fa: The Maker laughing as he prepares to fight feels like it came right out of a bad action movie. Cliche.] 

[Jjs: So much for a "deadly" swordsman, huh.]

"You knew the sword would break, didn't you?" Ex said.

"Of course, you didn't need a sword to win the whole time," The Maker said.

 

[Jjs: So what the hell was the point of this whole sword stuff? I don't mind morals, but here it felt very awkwardly forced, since I highly doubt any SBC member participates in sword duels.]

 

Ex then gave Mothra her sword back.

"Well...thanks," Mothra said. She went back to her hanger.

 

[Fa: To hang the sword, I assume?]

"What will you do now?" Ex asked.

 

"I'm going to return these swords to their rightful owners," The Maker said. He went off onto his adventure, and Ex waved good-bye.

Ex went back to the hanger with all the other SBCers.

"Great job!" Elastic said.

"Thanks man, now imma take a nap," Ex said, knowing he did a good deed.

 

[Jjs: Wow, Ex fell asleep two times in a row at the end of both episodes. Even he is getting bored of this.

 

Meh, not one of the lit's worst episodes, but the sword stuff felt very cheesy and forced. This ep was pretty much a filler. Probably not my best riffs, as I had very little to work with here, but Fa and I tried.]

[Fa: Well, this episode could have been worse, but the sword theme was forced, plus it really didn't even matter. Classic example of a filler episode.]

Edited May 3, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

 

32. Trollin' Like Blubber

Spoiler

Credit to Sabre for the title card.

 

[Jjs: Sabre was a brave soul to make a title card for this. Then again, he also risked being on SOF's Unexciting Critic Corner. I will miss that brave, brave man.]
[OMJ: Jeez Jjs, you couldn't get him to help save it write it too?]

[steel: I still miss Sabre. Also, when's the next AitUC coming out!? Kidding, kidding...]
 

[Jjs: Those are some Picasso level graphics.]

[steel: Very dramatic.]

32. Trollin' Like Blubber
 
[Jjs: I guess my past self couldn't think of a clever alliteration here. To be fair though, "Bad Like Blubber" probably would give some naughty ideas.]
[JCM: Rollin' Like Rubbers.]
[OMJ: So basically some more shooting out cans of spam. I have to admit, it could give the boulders a run for their money.]

[steel: They see me trollin', they hatin.]

"Alright, keep up the good winning streak, Ex!" 70s said. "We have 3 wins so far, let's not fumble. This is also the last day of the normal matches, because tomorrow the semi-finals begin."

 

[Fa: So basically, I could have avoided the filler last time around? *won't explode* *won't explode*]
[Jjs: That's wonderful to hear, 70s.]
[OMJ: Thanks for helping to sum up the last chapter that I didn't read.   ]

[steel: That's okay OMJ, I didn't read the last chapter either.  ]

"Wait, really?" Ex said.

[Fa: No, this spin-off lives on useless filler questions Ex!]
[JCM: No, he's lying to you.]
[OMJ: "Ex asked.", my dear boy. And I'd be skeptical of 70s too, not gonna lie...]

[steel: Semi-finals? I guess this Lit isn't too long after all....oh wait, there's still 2/3 of these episodes to go...]

"Yeah, SOF said 6 remaining contestants will compete in the semi-finals," 70s said.

[OMJ: I'm surprise you even care at this point of your SBC tenure, let alone listen to SOF.]

We cut out to the course, and see Dradius racing an Astral.

[Fa: Sounds like a bad club drink.]
[Jjs: Is Astral a star...or one of Patrick's family?]
[JCM: Not to be confused with an ass troll, which this episode is about.]
[OMJ: Hey, that's the guy that used to party til' he was purple in the Parties Section back in the day.]

[steel: Impossible. Dradius is too big.]

They are in the middle of a Target Race.

[OMJ: GOTTA GET THOSE ROSALINA AMIIBOS! If there are any.]

To a shocking reveal, Dradius IS his own ship! He is flying, since he is a dragon.

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[steel: "I must win this race with this ship I'm piloting!"

"No Dradius, you are the ship."

And then Dradius was an aircraft.]

[JCM: Doesn't that count as cheating or something.]
[OMJ: What? You're tellin' me the gargoyle couldn't fly?!]

"You won't stop me!" Dradius growled as he flew ahead.

Dradius then breathes a dark roaring fire at the targets, and he wins, while Astral smashes against the cliff.

[Jjs: R.I.P. Astral. We'll never know who or what you were, because we don't need to know that!]
[OMJ: He's definitely purple now.]
[JCM: And dead.]

[steel: Lol, it's just a race Dradius.]

"And Team Darkness wins!" JeremyCreek yelled. "They will be advancing to the semi-finals."

 

[Fa: Team Darkness? Seriously, Originality Police get here ASAP, please.]
[OMJ: Team Darkness? Weren't they The Gristles like three episodes ago?]

[steel: Team Gristles died from continuity failure..]
[Jjs: This isn't a riff, but since people weren't aware, Garg and Gargos are actually two different characters, sorry if that was never made clear. You can blame my laziness with names there. And yes, that nulls OMJ and Steel's riffs.]

Dradius then met with Gargos, Phalos and Flareix in a dark alley.

[Fa: We all know where this is going...]
[Jjs: ...Really? I'm just going to leave the dirty jokes to OMJ here, moving on.]
[OMJ: I sure hope there's no cops working the beat there due to just how damn dark they're being right now.]
[JCM: Doesn't it get exhausting looking for dark places to meet all time?]

[steel: So, they're drug dealers now?]

"Great job, but has the Grand Ruler gotten suspicious?" Gargos asked.

"No suspicions," Dradius said.

[Fa: The Grand Ruler must have been like "hmmm, Team Darkness? This is so obvious it's not even worth stopping." That's literally my only explanation for this.]
[Jjs: Yeah, nothing suspicious like a team named "Team Darkness".]
[OMJ: I'm sure the Grand Yardstick is much too busy having more suspicions about Team Rage having more than one member.]

We hear someone spying on the Dark Ones.

[Jjs: I knew Someone would return, that eavesdropping menace!]
[JCM: If only she would return to SBC.  ]

[steel: You guys are waiting for Someone to come back while I'm sitting here waiting for Sabre to return to SBC.]
[OMJ: CHERRY TOPS, RUN!]

"Hmm.....I knew something was up, but I can't believe they are back," said the mysterious figure.

[Fa: This description could apply to about half the people in this spin-off.]
[Jjs: "Wow, I knew it, but I can't believe it" More ATTWL 3 callbacks...]
[OMJ: Obviously, Someone wasn't around back when we had the Parties Section.]

We see Flareix sense something.

[Jjs: Who is this "we"?]

[OMJ: Everybody these guys have put to sleep by now.]

[JCM: And how can that "we" hear spying and see sensing? Those aren't the types of things you can hear or see.]

"Someone is watching us," Flareix said, using his flare senses.

[Fa: Get your Flare on!]
[Jjs: "Flare senses"? I'm not even sure how that works, and I'm the author.]
[OMJ: I can only imagine his tits flaring wildly.]

[steel: And they got no privacy.....sorry, I had too.]

"WHO'S THERE?!" Dradius yelled as he blasted a fire bomb at the figure, standing back in the darkness of the alley.

[Fa: AGAIN GREAT SUPER VILLAINS YELL! AM I PART OF THE SUPER VILLAINS CLUB YET!?]
[Jjs: Dradius, you idiot! They didn't say "Knock knock"!]
[JCM: Note to self: don't ask Dradius how many dragons it takes to screw in a lightbulb.]

[steel:  ]

They managed to drop something, which Dradius flew to and picked up.

 

[Fa: MENACINGLY!]

"Hmm....it looks like we have a new enemy on our lines," Dradius said, sniffing the object, which was...a blank piece of paper.

[Jjs: Aha, litter! I'll take that as a confession!]
[OMJ: Alright, I'm callin that it's Steel, whose dropped another update for one of his spin-offs!]

[steel: OH U!]
[JCM: Or it's me, dropping an update for one of my lits.]

Later, we cut back to SBC's hanger.

[OMJ: Which is still holding my coat, I assume. ]

"Everyone, I have some great news -- OMJ is out of the hospital!" 70s said. OMJ came into the hanger, being cheered on.

[Jjs: *cue audience cheering*]
[OMJ: I've no-sold that near fatal crash like a champ. But fellas, the cast of Cheers just died like two chapters ago. Too soon.  ]
[JCM: How long has it even been since OMJ got sent to that hospital? Every racing match seems to happen after each other, so OMJ basically recovered from the crash in a day, which is impossible, unless he has Wolverine-like healing powers.]

"Yep, I'm all better now," OMJ said," and it's time for some more BROMJ action!"

[OMJ: No "Goddamn Hero"? I mean yeah, this was probs before I first said it, but still...it sounds better...I just sound plain stupid...]

"You never told me he was coming back, but I guess I need a break," Ex said.

 

[steel: Sounds like another announcement of Clappy taking a break.]
[JCM: You have to stop piloting just because OMJ is back? Where was that in contract?]

"Sorry Ex, just didn't want to upset you, since you were doing so good," 70s said.

[Jjs: "You were doing so good, but you're fired anyways!" Now, to my past self's credit here, this is a pretty accurate representation of 2011 70s.]
[OMJ: No wonder why Ex thinks I'm an asshole.]

[steel: Considering that he's won through 3 straight matches and practiced his piloting without any problems, I'll say he was doing too good.]

"Eh, I understand bro, and OMJ does need his spot back, as I was filling in," Ex said.

[JCM: What will SBCPU be without Ex's Kamen Rider references?]

"Thanks SexKizuna," OMJ said, getting on the Pulp Rider. He did some practices.

[Fa: No trauma I guess from nearly dying severely in this exact rider. Totally normal.]
[Jjs: Well, OMJ seems pretty damn fine with getting back into the thing that nearly killed him...or will this create another monkey wrench into the plot?]
[OMJ: What can I say, I'm either really brave or really stupid. going with the latter.]

[steel: He just checked out of the hospital and he's already getting prepared? Does OMJ have super fast healing powers or something?]

While racing, OMJ began to lose control and start acting odd.

[OMJ: I started making typos and kissed Jjs' ass?]
[JCM: OddManJenkins.]

[steel: Don't do it.....DON'T DO IT....you've already made enough song ref-

]

"What the shit, is Satan raising hell?!" OMJ yelled as he began to smash into statues while driving across a training lake.

[Jjs: You better pay for those statues.]
[OMJ: Crime doesn't pay when there's E-VIL AFOOT!]

[steel: I didn't know Satan came to watch the race.]

He then got back to speed and landed safely.

"What happened?" Clappy asked.

"Nothing," OMJ said.

 

[Fa: And we're back to thrilling filler dialogue. Oh, how I really didn't miss you one bit.]
[JCM: He destroyed those statues because they were looking at him funny.]

[steel: >Smashes into statues out of nowhere. Yeah, that's nothing alright.]

"Aight, I'm gonna help OMJ, because something is up," Ex said.

[Jjs: And you know that how? How do you know OMJ just wasn't just being one of those badass pilots that was showing off and purposely causing a ruckus?]

"Sure Ex, I could use some extra help," OMJ said.

[JCM: Since when? Weren't you just telling him to get lost?]
[OMJ: A can of corn! A can of corn and I'll be fine, just a can of corn!]
[Jjs: So do you want help or not, make up your mind?! I love how only Clappy apparently noticed his maniac driving skills, too.]

"Okay, it's settled, and let's prepare for the next game," 70s said.

[OMJ: Game? Race? Which is it? Get your mind/mouth off your co-worker and back into the game, 70s!]
[JCM: Bad choice of a conjunction there. D-.]

They appeared at the stadium, and the next opponent for SBC was -- Teh Trollz!

[OMJ: Had to add the misspelled "the" and "z" at the end, just in case you didn't realize that they're trolls yet. Either that or they're facing these trollz:

 

At least they look more threatening than our actual threats.]

[steel: Sounds like a band name from the 90's.]

"Um...I got a bad feeling about this," Ex said.

[Fa: I did too after that spoiled tuna casserole once.]
[Jjs: That's wonderful to hear, Ex Solo.]
[OMJ: Plz, the Ex I knows eats trollz like that for breakfast.]
[JCM: I got a bad feeling? F-. See me after class.]

[steel: Looks like Ex O'Neill's not gonna make it outta there.]

We see a giant, old steaming ship burst out of the other side. WhaleBlubber was in it, along with the gang of criminals he released from The Escape.

 

[steel: "As seen on Episode 27."]
[Jjs: And none of them could be bothered to be named.]
[OMJ: It ain't like they'll amount to much to even deserve names.]

"Bwa ha ha, SBC nerds! I got mah own steam liner and crew!" Blubber laughed. The crew members were controlling cannons on the sides.

 

[Fa: YOU'RE BIGGER NERDS!]
[JCM: Considering the other ships have missiles, gunner turrets, and lasers, you're probably not going to get very far with cannons.]

"Blubber, we meet face to face!" OMJ said.

[Jjs: INCONSISTENCY POLICE! I thought they met face to face when OMJ attacked them at the cave though in Season 1, if they were human beings. Also, shouldn't OMJ be wondering why Blubber is out of jail when he clearly saw him get arrested by the forumotion police? And where did Blubber even afford the money for this ship? But eh, no point in consistency now, WE GOT EPIC ACTION RACING WOO!]
[OMJ: Oh, I'm sure Calvin and I have back and forthed at least a few times.]

"Ah yes, but can you beat my awesomeness?" Blubber laughed.

 

[Fa: His Awesomeness is off the charts... severely downhill off the charts.]

[steel: It didn't even make the Top 40.]
[JCM: I didn't know your awesomeness could drive.]

"With the combined powers of Kizuna and BROMJ, yes!" OMJ yelled.

[Jjs: Old Man and Kizuna Boy, UNITE!]

[steel: This episode of Kamen Rider Double is looking pretty good.]

"GO!" SOF yelled.

[JCM: NO!]
[OMJ: I'm disappoint. I was really expecting SOF to yell "HO!]

The Pulp Rider was off, and was clashing against Blubber's ship.

"I will not let you fools

[JCM: Whom I pity.]

advance to the semi-finals!" WhaleBlubber yelled, as the ship fired cannons at the Pulp Rider, which managed to dodge.

"I hope those aren't filled with shit," Ex said.

[Fa: That was the most realistic non anime thing Ex has said this entire series.]
[OMJ: He's already fired the blasted things, you can't tell what's shit or not. Is he shooting SBC *holds nose* PU Season Twos at you?]
[JCM: Whoever smelt it dealt it.]

[steel: Call 'em stink bombs.]

OMJ then began to feel pain, and lost control of the ship, as it went smashing into the water below.

[Jjs: I guess Ex's previous line caused him to faint?]
[OMJ: Felt pain where? Chest, stomach, head, crotch? Paint a picture here.]

Ex took control back, while OMJ was fainted.

[JCM: Using "fainted" as an adjective. Brave. Wrong, but brave.]

[steel: Will Ex choose another Pokemon?]

"Ugh.." OMJ said, as he got back up, and shot lasers at Blubber's steamer.

[OMJ: Obviously not fainted enough to operate lasers, it seems.]

"Dammit OMJ, what the hell? I'll take this over," Ex said, slightly worried.

[Fa: Ex must be quite the badass to be only slightly worried after the driver faints and almost crashes.]
[Jjs: SLIGHTLY worried? Yeah, I'd be "slightly" worried if OMJ just fainted.]
[JCM: If OMJ died, he would be heavily concerned.]

[steel: Let's bring him back to the hospital, guys.]

"Yeah...that's for the best," OMJ said, passing out.

[Jjs: And OMJ gets sidelined yet again. Seriously, did my past self try my hardest to keep OMJ out of the main plot?]
[OMJ: Quit cock teasing everyone with my presence, Jjs.]

Blubber was on radio with Dradius in the control room.

[JCM: Radio communication? I'm pretty sure they had cell phones in 2011.]

"Do not fail!" Dradius commanded.

[Jjs: Or else he'll be forgotten for the rest of the season!]

[steel: "In other words, don't suck!"]

"Yes sir!" Blubber said, as he fired shit at them. Ex dodged.

[JCM: This is one time Ex is not happy to be right.]

"Okay, seriously? Immaturity right thar." Ex said, as he dodged it all.

[Jjs: When did Ex turn into a teenage girl?]
[OMJ: When did Blubber turn into such a tool?]

Both ships came toward the shores.

[Jjs: Hopefully nobody was on those shores.]
[JCM: And that the shores weren't on Jersey Shore.]

[steel: Was it Ocean Shores?]

Ex shot another laser, and then saw a sharp turn.

[OMJ: What could possibly cause such a sharp turn on water, I assume, heading towards shore? Oh wait, flying saw blades, that's right.]

He quickly turned right, and out to the shore, but Blubber was behind. He came toward the sharp turn.

"Oh shit...I don't think we're going to make it!" Blubber said, trying to steer the ship.

[JCM: He's praying to his god Shit, so this must be serious.]
[OMJ: Try shooting more SBC *holds nose* PU's at it, maybe it'll send the saw blades flying the other direction.]

Blubber's ship couldn't turn! There was a sharp mountain wall that Blubber was headed toward in a clash collision course.

[Jjs: ...sucks.]
[OMJ: "in a clash collision course crash smash wreck encounter fender bender". He's gonna go flying into the mountain, you know.]

 

"Sorry boss, but I'm getting out of here!" A member said, and abandoned the ship, along with some others.

[Fa: R.I.P. Member. So underdeveloped, so unimportant to the plot beyond this scene. He shall be missed.]
[Jjs: "A member" is my favorite character!]
[JCM: Yeah, he's so much better than those other trollz.]

[steel: He shall win GCA's in his honor.]

"Come back ya pussies!" Blubber said.

[OMJ: Yeah, name-calling. That'll have them coming back and going down with you in droves.]

Just then, Blubber saw the wall ahead, and couldn't turn his ship due to the weight!

[JCM: This is so dramatic that we'll end it with an exclamation mark!]

"NOOOO!" Blubber yelled as

[JCM: A poor imitation of Darth Vader.]

his ship went smashing into the wall, and his ship exploded. The Pulp Rider continued on, and crossed the finish line.

[Jjs: Fun Fact: Blubber is never seen again for the rest of the lit. RIP Blubber?]
[OMJ: As long as it means ACS takes over as the SBC troll villain, I'm fine. And what luck, we're in his element of high stakes, high flying, action packed flight simulator racing!]

[steel: RIP in peace Blubber.]

"It looks like the SBCers are advancing to the semi-finals!" JeremyCreek said, waving a flag.

 

[Fa: The other team dying would make that happen I imagine.]
[JCM: Looks like? Is there a technicality I don't know about?]
[Jjs: Congratulations Ex!...and I guess nobody cares about OMJ.]
[OMJ: Only five episodes into the tournament and we're already in the semi-finals. How does this season even last for 20 more episodes?]

OMJ was taken back to the hospital by Ex, as he walked out of the ship.

 

[steel: NOT AGAIN, D'OH!]

Dradius was watching from a distance, and was angry at Blubber's failure.

[Jjs: Well, that's what you get for teaming up with someone who uses poop as his primary weapon.]
[JCM: The guy who uses pee as his primary weapon wasn't available.]

[steel: He should've asked for a guy who uses jizz as a primary weapon.]

"Hm...it looks like if I want a job right, I need to do it myself.." Dradius said.

 

[Jjs: You just had to use that cliche, didn't you.]

[Fa: Originality Police are on the case! I've finally alerted them to pay attention to this lit.]

[OMJ: Well, using Blubber as a reference will certainly get you a job in sewage management.]

At the hospital...

[OMJ: Oooh, actual words before the ellipses. The scene transition innovation continues!]
[JCM: Next, they'll put "meanwhile" in front of them! I'm getting giddy just thinking about it!]

OMJ was being scanned by a doctor, with Ex in the room.

[OMJ: Plz, the Ex I know would've just left me to die.]

"He lost control of driving the ship. His first crash damaged his nervous system, causing the issues during the race," the doctor said.

[Jjs: Well, if we're still going with the opposite theme, I guess it makes sense this hospital couldn't help the patients.]
[JCM: That doctor didn't check OMJ's nervous system during his first visit because the term "nervous system" makes the doctor feel nervous.]

"But what does it mean?" OMJ asked, getting up.

 

[steel: "He only has a week to live." ....Sorry, too dark, I'm just going to let the next sentence fix that.]

"It means...you cannot race anymore." The Doctor said.

[Fa: Oh no! We'll just have to go back to that other guy who performed well earlier. What a bummer!]
[JCM: Dun dun dun!]
[Jjs: Oh cool, didn't know Doctor Who was in this lit now. Seriously though, did OMJ even care that much about being a racer in the first place?]
[OMJ: Well, at least I still have my personality! And motor functions. And perfect time to bring hilaryfan80 back, but I guess Doctor Who Exactly will do. He was a hit back in the Parties Section.]

[steel: So much for developing OMJ's character and giving him some more screen-time. There's always Hassan if there's anybody else that's gonna save the day.]

Edited May 3, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Metal Snake]

I'm even liking these riffs for Season 2 better than the riffs for Season 1 so far, what do you know. XD

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

 

33. Devious Like Dradius

Spoiler

33. Devious Like Dradius

 

[OMJ: More like "Dark Like Dradius", amirite. *holds hand up for high five* Anyone?]

[Hayden: *gives a pity low five*]

 

"Now, it is time to begin....the semi-finals!" The Grand Ruler announced.

 

[Fa: Are you....sure?]

[Hayden: That's semi-interesting to hear.]

[OMJ: I sure hope he pinned it too so that it doesn't slip by anyone's minds. Like mine. Just now.]

 

The audience cheered and roared.

 

[OMJ: Tone the fuck down, people, this ain't Pride Rock.

]

[Hayden: Now there are dinosaurs in the crowd? What's next supernaturally? Magic pixies?]

 

"These six teams are our finalists for Course 1:

 

1. SBC

2. SBM

3. Darkness

4. Wargers

5. Rift

6. Mystery Racer

 

[Fa: Mystery Racer. Oh, the good old mystery cliche.]

[Hayden: You'd think the Grand Ruler would either know his identity or want to know it before letting them enter the race.]

[OMJ: Ah, the good ole Racer X trope. But if Ex is Ex, would that make his long lost brother "Why"?]

 

These six teams will compete in the semi-finals.

 

[Fa: Thanks for the reminder. The unnecessary dramatic pause when you explained it earlier didn't help me remember earlier.]

[OMJ: Thanks for reminding us twice. I thought the six teams would form a knitting circle after I heard it the first time.]

 

Unlike the normal rounds though, you won't be eliminated if you lose. 

 

[Fa: So in other words, no one really loses and no one really wins? Filler much?]

[OMJ: Oh, so this is how you drag it on for 20 more episodes.]

[Hayden: Maybe he means whichever team loses is the winner. Now SBC is a shoe-in.]

 

The winning team will gain a point. Whichever three teams have the most points after they have all faced each other, will advance to the GRAND FINALS!" Grand Ruler finished.

 

[Fa: WAIT, SUPERHEROES YELL NOW TOO!? SCREW YOU NONRESPONDING SUPER VILLAINS!]

[OMJ: You're not conceited at all.  ]

[Hayden: Oh, so it's 3 teams moving on anyways. I bet they won't be SBC, SBM, and Darkness. The first three conspicuously listed on the above list.]

 

Each of the six remaining contestants from the teams stood in the center of the stadium on rising pillars. Standing on the six pillars were: Ex, Mothra, Dradius, a Warger, Rift, and the Mystery Racer.

 

[OMJ: And already, I want a Warger to win because I feel just plain sorry for 'em.]

[Hayden: Poor Wargers not being treated like actual people. I wouldn't know if they are people though, because what the fuck is a Warger?]

 

"Now...without further ado folks, let's announce the first match of the semi-finals: Darkness VS. SBC!" SOF yelled.

 

[Fa: I know this isn't anything new, but Team Darkness is still cliched to death.]

[Hayden: Let's change SBC's name to Lightness just so everyone's on the same page about which team is the heroes.]

[OMJ: So you're already gonna match up who's arguably our main protagonist and antagonists at each other just six episodes in. I feel like this is something you would spend 90 doubloons on on PPV, and then ultimately get disappointed and you end up feeling like you invested so much just to get very little.]

 

"And there will be a special challenge - Triangle Grab!"

 

[Fa: In other news, the Grand Ruler just put in a Craigslist ad for anyone creative to give him some new ideas for challenges. You won't get paid, but you won't be killed in the future either.]

[Hayden: Let me guess, it involves grabbing squares?]

 

"What the hell?" Ex asked.

 

[OMJ: Thank you.]

 

"Triangle Grab is more of an agility challenge - whichever team grabs the most triangles on the field, and crosses the finish line wins. There are 13 total on the field." JeremyCreek added.

 

[Fa: Grand Ruler really hopes someone responds to that ad fast.]

[Ex: Who the hell?]

[Hayden: Why the hell?]

 

"Meh, whatever, I'm not too nervous...poor OMJ tho," Ex said.

 

[OMJ: Aww, you do care.]

[Hayden: Why do we keep mentioning that irrelevant guy?]

 

"Don't get too scared Ex, you can do this," 70s said to Ex on the ship's computer screen.

 

[OMJ: Ex winning is just a foregone conclusion now.]

[Hayden: Have a little faith 70s, he just said he's not too nervous.]

 

"OMJ is in fine condition, despite the fact he cannot race."

 

[Fa: OMJ is the best obviously.]

[OMJ: At least I still have me arms!]

 

"We have faith you can lead our team, Ex," Clappy said.

 

[Hayden: There's our source of faith shining through the Darkness.]

[Clappy: All you have to do is believe in the Heart of the Cars, Exy.]

 

"yeah, what they said," JCM said.

 

[OMJ: Yeah, what I had Clappy said.]

 

"JCM, get out of here," Ex said.

 

[Hayden:  ]

 

"ok ok," JCM said, leaving.

 

[Fa: More great detailed dialogue. Fantastic.]

[OMJ: I forgot how unpopular JCM was back in the day. But just look at him now!]

[Hayden: Haha, fuck you JCM. Wait, JCM is less unpopular?]

 

We see Dradius with the Dark Ones.

 

[OMJ: Can they all just get a (dark) room already.]

[Hayden: Their mother's basement will suffice.]

 

"These SBC people are quite tough...are you ready Dradius?" Phalos asked.

 

[Phalos: I heard they got April fooled pretty hard back in 2013 and they only cried about it for 20 minutes!]

[Hayden: *shows off fake abs* I'm glad you've noticed.]

 

"Yes," he replied. He got out into the stadium.

 

Dradius had no ship - he just brought himself.

 

[OMJ: You'd think Mothra would be using herself too, then.]

[Hayden: Does the Grand Ruler have no problem with somebody being their own ship? Also, wouldn't the Grand Ruler probably know about all the locked away Dark Ones and be suspicious? More holes here than in Swiss cheese.]

 

"So...are you riding or what?" Ex asked.

 

"I don't need a ship.." Dradius laughed, as he flew open his wings, and stood on the ground in position.

 

[Fa: Thanks, forgot the evil villain was a dragon at this point. Entirely forgot.]

[Hayden: Has Ex never met a dragon before? Well, probably not since THEY DON'T FREAKING EXIST, but still, use common sense brah.]

[Dradius: My body is ready, literally.]

 

"Nvm." Wumbo said. "GO EX!"

 

[OMJ: Jeez Wumbo, first line of the season and it's random balderdash. Nvm what, exactly? Was he unnecessarily being a debbie downer and somewhat doubting Ex's skills against The Black Panthers? Did he change his mind once he saw that Dradius was a dragon, because even tho he's a dragon, the boulders are STILL more of a threat? Or is it just the Canadian abooting in? He said nuttin to set dat up for himself.]

 

"3....2....1...GO!" SOF and JeremyCreek both yelled.

 

[OMJ: Get a room next to the Nation of Domination there.]

[Hayden: "You're Gonna Hear SOF Roar" is a hit single on SBC's next album.]

 

The gate flung open, and they were on a new path, a river path.

 

[OMJ: Also, brings new meaning to "sell down the river" for Team Darkness.]

[Hayden: I imagine Dradius would have a harder time being his own boat. Blubber would have excelled here.]

 

"Just curious, but how do they always change the paths?" Ex asked. "Is it just magic?"

 

[Fa: Hey guys, Wizards do exist! They're in Washington, you just gotta believe.]

[OMJ: Nah, I'm sure it's just Jjs picking out random plot points out of a hat.]

 

"They don't," Dradius said. "You idiot, it was just a different gate!"

 

[OMJ: Are we sure these guys aren't just ACS pretending to be mystical creatures/black?]

[Hayden: Maybe this show is a GATEWAY drug for Ex.]

 

"Look dragon face, NOBODY calls ExKizuna an idiot!" Ex yelled as he shot missiles at him, but Dradius dodged.

 

[OMJ: I'm pretty sure that "dragon face" insult did more damage.]

[Hayden: Dear ExKizuna, you are an idiot and I got you banned from TV.com. Love, Hayden.]

 

They were flying in an aerial battle, which Ex saw the first triangle - a red one! He quickly grabbed it.

 

"You will not defeat me!" Dradius yelled as he breathed dark fire

 

[Fa: You sure that ain't smoke?]

[OMJ: I'm guessing your poop is of the dark variety too. I bet you bleed motor oil, which is why you're your own vehicle right now.]

[Hayden: Darkness. Dark fire. Guys, I'm beginning to think there's some theme going on here for Dradius. *looks up at episode title* He's probably still well intentioned.]

 

at his window, and it made him smash against an old pillar on the river.

 

"Oh no!" Elastic panicked.

 

[Fa: Oh Elastic, you're still here!]

[OMJ: Hey E-Dawg, didn't know you were droppin' by!]

[Hayden: Came-oh no's! are my favorite type of cameo.]

 

Ex managed to get back up though, and kept flying.

 

"Oh thank god, go Ex!" Tvguy yelled.

 

[OMJ: Shut up, tvguy, he'll only win if that70sguy says it.]

 

"You all are weak to the power of the Dark Ones!" Dradius said as he attacked him again. This time, he got up on the Pulp Rider, and began using his claws to scratch it open!

 

[Fa: Like a Mean Old Pussy Cat!]

[Hayden: Shut the hell up Sauron. He'll collect all the rings before you.]

 

"Who are the Dark Ones?!" Ex yelled, as he tried bashing him off.

 

[OMJ: I think I already established that earlier.]

 

"You will never live to know!" 

 

[OMJ: Lucky bastard.]

 

Dradius yelled as he began to blow fire.

 

[OMJ: That's gonna leave some blisters in the mouth.]

[Hayden: That's not the only thing he can blow. ZIP DOWN YOUR PANTALOONS, EX.]

 

Ex flew fast, and Dradius went flying off, breathing fire into the air.

 

[OMJ: Anybody got some Ice Breakers for this muh'fucker?]

[Hayden: I have some refreshing mint gum.]

 

However, he managed to snag an orange triangle beneath.

 

[OMJ: Who exactly?]

[Fa: SOF? Hey, you couldn't tell either!]

 

"They are now tied 1-1 triangles, folks!" SOF yelled.

 

[OMJ: Never thought I'd say this, but thank god.]

[Hayden: SOF bringing clarification. Maybe the world is entering dark times.]

 

Ex then snagged a green one, and Ex had two triangles now.

 

"You all irritate me...you must be eliminated from Earth when I win the Grand Prize..." Dradius said. "That is all of our goals!"

 

[OMJ: This has to be ACS, it just has to be!]

[Fa: Are Evil Villains required to always voice out their evil plans or something? You know, since nobody actually asked?]

[Hayden: Dradius, keep up the good work of being a subtle villain. Why not just tell Ex your whole crew and then your master next to save the season some time?]

 

"What do you mean by all?" Ex asked. "This shit is hurting my brain."

 

[OMJ: All us SBCers. It don't take no damn rocket scientist to figure ACS out.]

[Hayden: Ex, it's giving me a pounding headache as well. There's just no cure.]

 

"My comrades, but you will never know their names!" Dradius said as he blasted him with dark fire.

 

[Hayden: Ex can make a good guess now at least.]

 

"But you don't have to take this out on me!" Ex said.

 

"I must, in order to win." Dradius said. "My master is also counting on me."

 

[Fa: So the Grand Ruler is a double Agent? HOLY SHIT BALLS!]

[OMJ: Lemme guess, The GrandMaster? OdysseyMaster?]

[Hayden: DRADIUS, QUIT UNLOADING YOUR EXPOSITION ONTO EX, HE DOESN'T WANT IT.]

 

"Okay, I've had enough of this nonsense." Ex said as he rammed against him, and he went flying into the water below.

 

[OMJ: WATER? A DARK ONE'S ONLY WEAKNESS!]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"Ah, a triangle!" Dradius said as he grabbed a blue one on top of a pillar.

 

"Come on Sexy Ex, you can get at least one more to beat him!" 70s said.

 

[OMJ: Now here's the real romance of this season.]

[Hayden: The 70s/Ex sex scene better come soon or I want my money back.]

 

They then saw a purple one ahead.

 

Dradius flew by fast, but Ex got in the lead.

 

Just then, Dradius blew a giant dark fire flame

 

[OMJ: "a dark fire flame blazing inferno of concentrated heat and brimstone." It's hot as fire, you know.]

 

through an engine of the Pulp Rider, and he went flying right through the part, separating it from the ship.

 

Ex gasped,

 

[OMJ: AAAHHH! OOOOOHHH! UUUUUHHHHH!]

[Hayden: EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!]

 

and the larger side went flying into the water below, along with the other part.

 

Dradius grabbed the purple one, and with Ex defeated, would grab the rest and win.

 

Ex managed to float back up, and was pretty pissed.

 

[Fa: Because the good guys never lose!]

[Hayden: At least he conveniently isn't eliminated.]

 

"Ugh...this isn't over you jackass!" Ex yelled, pretty annoyed.

 

[Fa: After almost being drowned by a rival, I'd probably be angry. But to each their own.]

[OMJ: Pretty annoyed? I don't boutchu, but I'd be a lil absolutely livid if I was in the lead and was taken out of the race like that.]

 

Ex was back at the hanger.

 

"Ugh...I lost.." Ex said.

 

"Don't get discouraged, it's only ONE loss," 70s said. "We have a chance to get at least 4 wins now."

 

[OMJ: You also have a chance to get at most 5 losses now.]

[Hayden: 70s, always looking on the bright side. Maybe you should single a Glee style musical number to cheer everyone up.]

 

Ex then laid down.

 

"First it was OMJ, and now I'm going to cost the whole team's chances.." Ex said, discouraged.

 

[OMJ: Don't put me in the same boat as you, bubu.]

 

"Ex, man up. It wasn't your fault, that dragon dude was too powerful," Clappy said. "The best always mess up."

 

[OMJ: Srsly, Spinny for best portrayal goes to Claps this season.]

[Hayden: Wait, the best people always mess up? That sets the bar of requirements quite low for me!]

 

"I understand, thanks man. But WHAT he was going on about is what I want to know.." Ex said.

 

"What do you mean?" Clappy asked.

 

"He kept mentioning destroying us, the Dark Ones, and some master.." Ex said. "All confusing."

 

[OMJ: What's so confusing? His team is Team Darkness, connect the dots and BAM they're the Dark Ones, and they have a dark master and they want to see us all bleed. It doesn't take a gosh dang brain surgeon.]

[Hayden: Dradius was pretty cryptic and not direct at all with what he was saying, OMJ. Ex isn't Jimmy Neutron here like Hassan.]

 

"Meh, just ignore him, some cliche villain probably trying to scare you." Clappy said.

 

[Fa: Hey fiction Clappy, you want to join us? You're unwittingly pretty good at this stuff.] 

[OMJ: Thank you for summing up ACS as only you can, Claps.]

 

We see Dradius and the other Dark Ones at a temple. The shadowy figure from Episode 27 and 28 appeared.

 

[Hayden: Did we really need the episode numbers of when he appeared?]

[Bear in the Big Blue House: Thanks for the friendly reminder, Shadow!]

 

"Good...our first win of the semi-finals..do not mess the rest up, Dradius," the figure said.

 

[Hayden: Get off your lazy ass if you don't want the rest messed up, Astenias.]

 

"I will not fail you, master." Dradius said, bowing to him.

 

[OMJ: NOW does he finally suck the shadow of his cock? And already, I want those 90 doubloons back.]

[Hayden: Die in the depths of hell Dradius. I can't believe I actually want Blubber back as the antagonist. I guess this was the necessary chapter where the hero doubts himself and learns of the villain's plans but damn, was it even less compelling here or what?]

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

 

34. Marvelous Like Mothra

 

Spoiler

34. Marvelous Like Mothra

[Jjs: Oh god, this episode. This episode, imo, is probably one of the worst, if not the worst episode of the whole lit, and that says A LOT considering what we've seen so far. Brace yourselves, ladies and gentleman.]
[OMJ: So, it won't be marvelous? Well that's just simply marvelous.]
[Hayden: If there's one thing that's always been consistent, bad is better than bland.]

 

We see Dradius racing against Mothra on a course.

[Jjs: Oh goody, now Dradius gets to show his "black magic" to SBM.]
[OMJ: Something tells me they'd worship that there.]
[Hayden: Mind adding a little context? What type of course and did SOF get a funny line when he announced the match up?]

 

"You won't win ugly dragon face, and your "ship" is horrible," Mothra said.
 
[JCM: Insultin' a man's ship be worse than insultin' his mother!]
[OMJ: If there were one way to burn a dragon, that'd be it.]
[Metal Snake: Oh yeah?! Well you're just a...Godzilla movie fangirl...face.]
[Hayden: At least Dradius lifts instead of flirting with Ex all day.]

 

"You DARE insult the great Dradius?!" He growled,

[Jjs: I agree, "dragon face" was WAY out of line!]
[OMJ: Well, it's the TRUTH!]
[Hayden: So now it's a high stakes game of truth or dare?]

 

as he blasted fire at her ship. She then fell back, and Dradius crossed the finish line, giving Darkness another win.

[Jjs: So SOF, JeremyCreek, and the Grand Ruler still haven't found this team suspicious because...]

[Hayden: Maybe the Grand Ruler is on the toilet and SOF is in charge of reporting any foul conduct.]

[OMJ: You're winner by unanimous decision AND STILL THE BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG IN THE WORLD WIDE WEB, DRRRRRADIUUUUSSSSS!]
[JCM: If all he needs to do to win games is blow fire at people's ships, this isn't a very competitive tournament.]

"Ugh, got my guard off there," Mothra said.

[Jjs: That's what you get for criticizing his body and calling him an ugly dragon face!]
[OMJ: Should've criticized his color palette, that's what she seems best at.]
[Metal Snake: No duh. If you're going to race, race. Don't talk.]
[Hayden: Yeah, because it's easy to put your guard down against a weak, defenseless, giant motherfucking fire breathing dragon.]

 

"No worries, hopefully we can beat SBC," ssj said.

[Jjs: Oh please, ssj just would've said "YOU SUCK!" or post a Family Guy reference.]

[ssj:  ]

[OMJ: Why did all the dragons die out?]
[Metal Snake: And if we do, I'm going to touch myself all night in celebration...]
[JCM: ssj makes his grand entrance to the season with less of a bang and more of a slight whimper.]
 
Mothra then went to SBC's hanger.

[Jjs: Considering SBM's activity at the time, I assume their budget is low on clothes and need to borrow SBC's?]
[OMJ: The benefits of being friends with benefits with SBC.]
[Metal Snake: Ah, nothing like loitering in the enemy hangar to soothe the burn of defeat.]
[Hayden: She has to let off a little steam and pent up tension. See where I'm going with this?]

 

The Pulp Rider had been upgraded to the Pulp Rider V2 due to the damage in the previous episode.

[Jjs: Wow, who knew it only took less than a day to fix a technologically advanced fighter jet?]
[OMJ: It did take me about two hours to build the first technologically advance fighter jet, after all.]
[JCM: Pulp Rider V2 is like Pulp Rider V1, only now it's HTML5-compatible.]
[Hayden: It's the same hunk of junk with a new skin.]

 

"Just put the finishing touches on the ship," a mechanic said.
 
[Jjs: "A mechanic" couldn't be even more vague. Why not use hilaryfan80 or hell, even Face? At least they were still relevant around this time. Was "Mechanic" some SBC member we forgot about?]
[OMJ: Yeah, we could've gotten a good Pokemon spammer reunion here!]
[Hayden: Reduced to nothing more than his job title.]

 

"Thanks," 70s said, as he paid the bill.

[Jjs: Using the false identity of Calvin Reynolds, that sneaky bastard...]
[OMJ: Makin dat Target money by just blowin your co-workers.]
[Metal Snake: "Have a good one, man." *looks at check* "His name's Sara? Wow, poor guy."]
[Hayden: Hassan would have hacked it out and done it for free, nimrod.]

 

"Your welcome for the design idea,"
 
[JCM: No, my welcome for the design idea!]
 
Tvguy said, as he finished painting drawings on it.

[Jjs: Until I get a concrete answer on what the hell Tvguy just drew, I'm going to imagine he just painted cartoon penises on it, as that would be fitting.]
[OMJ: Given the timeframe, I would assume he painted ponies, which (being a SpongeBob site) was a stupid idea, so we'll be against it and he will lose his shit over it and call us all morons.]
[Metal Snake: Wait, painted "drawings"? I thought painters painted paintings.]
[Hayden: Oh just perfect, the skin sucks too.]

 

"Thanks brah," Ex said.

"Wow, it looks much nicer now," teenj said.

[Jjs: 10/10! Would refresh again!]

"Well, no loss will defeat ExKizuna!" Ex said, encouraged.
 
[JCM: Nor will it stop ExKizuna from referring to himself in the third person.]
[Hayden: A loss is kind of the very definition of a defeat. But nobody tell him that.]

 

"That Dradius punk won't deter me again."

[OMJ: Yes, ponies beat dragons. Take that, Spike!]
[Metal Snake: 
 
No wonder the poor guy has such low self-esteem. ]
 
"It's much faster now, and a little smoother with controls and design," The mechanic said as he left.

[Jjs: Goodbye, pointless character! *cue laugh track*]
[OMJ: Can we just call it the Rainbow Dash at this rate?]
[Metal Snake: Not to be confused with the member Rainbow Dash!]
[JCM: Not to be confused with Handsome Rainbow Dash.  ]
[Hayden: Oh, we're still doing pony references? *looks at cue cards*]

 

"I am curious on this Dradius fellow though. You kept mentioning he was rambling odd sayings, Ex?" SpongeSebastian asked.

[SpongeSeb: Hey there! SpongeSebastian here!]
[Hayden: The wizard has spoken up to remind us about plot material.]

 

"Yeah, he was just saying stuff about the Dark Ones and wanting to rule the world or whatever, but I'm not sure if I should be concerned. He could just be trying to put me off guard," Ex said.
 
[Jjs: Yeah, he was probably pulling an ACS: All talk, but no actual pay-off with his threats.]
[Hayden: Because threats of ruling the world are what I use to get the edge up in any competition.]

 

"Probably, I wouldn't worry about it unless strange things begin to happen," SpongeSebastian said.
 
[JCM: When Randy Newman starts singing "Strange Things", you should be concerned.]
[Jjs: So I guess OMJ nearly dying doesn't count as "strange"? Or the fact the team is named "Team DARKNESS"? Or the fact the main pilot is a DARK DRAGON? I know SBC was inactive at this time, but it should not take more than 10 members to connect the dots...]
[OMJ: Nobody else finds Seb actually being around strange?]

[Hayden: "Let's just wait until more bad stuff happens before we take any kind of action whatsoever. After all, if we catch on now, then Jjs will have to speed up the pace."]

[Metal Snake: "And hey, if strange things do happen, it'll give me material for a great scoop in SBC news!"
 
]
 
"Well, there was OMJ's ship crash.." Teenj said.

[Jjs: Yup. That happened.]
[Metal Snake: *sips beer and takes breath* Yup.]
[JCM: Teenj is apparently the only person there who doesn't have the attention span of a goldfish.]
[Hayden: But will they listen to him?]

 

"That could have just been an unfortunate accident, I doubt this Dradius fellow had to do with it," SpongeSebastian said.

[Jjs: WHOA! *jumps back* Sorry, I was just surprised to see Seb getting more than two lines of dialogue!]
[OMJ: Yeah, the guy who flat-out said he wants us to die, who also single-handedly wiped out not one, but two other racers in the middle of a race would have nothing to do with this wipe out (also involving MESBC) in particular at all.]
[Hayden: So why did you bring the odd ramblings up if you were just going to pussy out of legitimate suspicion?]

 

"Still...it's worth thinking about," Teenj said.

[OMJ: Plz, we all know we don't think. The Hack-E Sack prank being a prime example.]
[Metal Snake: "Yeah, we never talked this much before we started thinking about this!]
[Hayden:  ]

 

"Hey guys," Moth said.
 
[JCM: Didn't you enter the hangar like fifteen lines ago? Why are you choosing now to say hi?]
[Hayden: She got lost due to how giant hangars are.

]

 

"Hey, so were up against you, right?" Ex asked.

[Jjs: Yeah, you were up against them. Did you have a blackout from the previous episode, Ex? I'm pretty sure you faced Mothra and not some dragon.]

"Unfortunately.." Tvguy mumbled to himself.

[Jjs: Now, Tvguy has the right idea here. I don't like where this episode is going either, and it also will create one of the most annoying plot lines I've ever done.]
[OMJ: For once, I agree with tvguy.]
[Hayden: Someone explain to me why none of the other three teams have gone yet and how all of Darkness, SBC, and SBM are about to have gone twice? That way we can at least pretend there are more than three teams left and that the others aren't filler.]

 

"Yup, but I had an offer, if you guys are intelligent enough to accept it.

[OMJ: Well color us stupid, bitch.  ]
[JCM: Insulting our mental capabilities is a great way to open us up to your suggestion, Moth!]
[Hayden:  ]

 

I say we just have a nice smooth duel, with no guns." Mothra said.

[OMJ: PUSSY!]
[Jjs: Okay, I don't understand Mothra's motives at all. At the end of Episode 29, she says SBC is going down. Then she randomly helps Ex in 30, but says they aren't friends. Ex then helps her randomly in 31, and they still agree to not being friends. Now in this episode, Mothra seems to be on good terms and wants to do some sort of peace treaty with them? What the hell is going on here? Is this supposed to be some mind game? It's confusing me, so it's working on someone, at least.]
[OMJ: Ain't it obvi? She definitely wants to get in Ex's pants, and in reverse.]

[Hayden: Yeah, if Mothra isn't thirsty for Ex, then the sky isn't blue.]

[Metal Snake: *redneck voice* THEY TRYIN' TO TAKE OUR GUNS!
 
But to be serious, I don't get this either. Is Mothra their friend or not?]

"WHAT?!?! D:" Ex said.
 
[JCM: A backwards frowny face. This is real.]
 
"I leik using the guns."
 
[Jjs: You could use insults instead. Both of your "dragon face" insults made Dradius cower in fear.]
[Hayden: Really Ex? That's not what I heard around the block.

]

 

"Well, we're both struggling in wins, so I figured, we'll be fair." Mothra said.
 
[Metal Snake: So...it's a ceasefire? That's just my theory.]
[Hayden: Fair? Does this game have any defined rules? Have all the weapons been dirty tactics?]

 

"Eh, I understand. Sure." Ex said.
 
[JCM: So I guess it's settled, then. Ex is okay with it, so everyone's okay with it.]

[Hayden: Ex giving up his love of violence to make his girlfriend happy. What a heartthrob.]

 

"Good, see you at the race then," Mothra said, walking off to the SBM hanger.

[OMJ: Bitch, you'll have to get through encouraging 70s on the screen before you can get any of Ex's funny muffler.]

Tvguy, however, was not exactly on board with that idea.
 
[Jjs: Gee, who would've thought?]
[OMJ: SOF.]
[Metal Snake: Talk about missing the boat.]
 
"Ugh, I hate SBM....there's no way we're going nice." Tvguy said.

[OMJ: 2011 tvguy in a nutshell.]
[Hayden: But SBC is already dumb and happy, why not add nice in?]

 

"Okay, you know what? I'm sick of you always complaining about SBM.
 
[JCM: Like this time, and...that one other time.]
 
Just stay out of it. And we could beat them," 70s said.
 
[Jjs: I'm assuming this episode was also my representation of the November/December war between the two knuckleheads.]
[OMJ: So is tvguy gonna overthrow him as team leader unceremoniously, kill our spirits, and do away with the team leader position only to bring it back again under a different name?]

"But they're dead,
 
[Jjs: Either this was a cruel pun or SBM's members are actually dead, which is why we've only seen Mothra and ssj at this tournament so far.]
[OMJ: I'm honestly surprised we haven't seen any PhilipB yet.]
[Metal Snake: "I killed them!"]
 
and I hate most of their members." Tvguy said.

[Jjs: So I guess tvman's hatred killed them off?]
[JCM: They died from the heartbreak of not having their favorite member love them.]
[OMJ: Yet you still log into your account there.]
[Metal Snake: So? You said you never really liked most of SBC's members.]

"I'm not discussing this with you....now be a good sport. Remember the SBM/SBC treaty? Yeah, now grow up," 70s said.

 

[Hayden: Grow up and act like a fake adult, tvguy. It's what grown ups like 70s do.]

[Jjs: INCONSISTENCY POLICE! 70s is actually surprisingly right for once. Remember the SBM/SBC treaty? When Gurgy breaks the treaty, 70s orders SOF to kill him nonchalantly. Yet, when tvguy breaks it, he only gets a verbal warning. Yeah, seems fair to me. I know this season doesn't connect much to Season 1 so far, but some character consistency would be nice.]

[OMJ: Ah, the time of double standards. Ain't it just nostalgic.]
[Metal Snake: Actually Jjs, I respectfully disagree with you calling this an inconsistency. I can easily imagine tvguy being let off so easy by Past!70s...]

Tvguy just walked off from there.
 
[JCM: And proceeded to burn the SBM hangar to the ground.]
[Jjs: I assume he would've resigned from his admin position for the umpteenth time.]
[Metal Snake: I couldn't have said that better.]
[Hayden: Not the dramatic exit I was expecting.]

 

"Sheesh, who crapped in his corn flakes?" SpongeSebastian asked.

 

[Hayden: SOF did and then he still ate them.]

 

"He's just being himself," Ex said.

[OMJ: And another Spinny for most accurate portrayal goes to...]

[Hayden: Remember kids, it's important to be yourself....unless you're a flaming dickhole. ]

 

"Oh, I will be a good sport..." Tvguy said, with a suspicious look, walking away from the hanger.

[Jjs: Welp, nothing suspicious here folks. If you can ignore Team Darkness, you can ignore that, too.]
[OMJ: So is this when he kills Steel and CDCB for no good reason?]
[Metal Snake: Good sports walk away looking suspicious?]
[JCM: They better hope he doesn't have any matches on him.]
[Hayden: ]

 

The race then began, and we see tons of people, odd creatures, and the opposite robots watching.

[Jjs: "Odd creatures"? So SOF's family came to visit, too?]
[OMJ: Don't any of you have real jobs?! I mean, the opposites should at least, cuz they opposite.]
[Metal Snake: Talk about a motley crew.] 
[Hayden: Are any of them betting or gambling?]

 

"Now folks, it is SBC VS. SBM!" SOF said. The stadium roared. "It's the match you have all been waiting for!"
 
[Jjs: I think OMJ's catchphrase sums this episode up so far: SBC/SBM Drama The Episode: Lit Ratings Gold.]
[Hayden: Thanks for telling me what I was waiting for, SOF.]

 

Mothra came out with a Pinkie Pie styled skip, with pink all over it.
 

[Hayden: Skip? Yeah, I'd like to skip the MLP references too.]

[JCM: And I thought a Pinkie Pie styled ship would have blue all over it.]
[OMJ: Fucking bitch copied our idea! Or did we copy SBM? I don't even know anymore.]
[Metal Snake: Don't forget the party cannon!]

"Come on Moth!" JCM yelled.

 

[JCM: Hey, look at the time! I should get going!]

[Jjs: TRAITOR! BURN HIM!]
[Hayden:  ]

 

"Whose side are you on?" Wumbo asked.

[OMJ: Whose side are YOU on, if your first line from the last episode is of any indication.]

"Well, SBM is technically my original site," JCM said. "Gotta remain loyal to them somehow, sorry."
 
[Metal Snake: Well geez, then at least call yourself by your SBM username.] 

[Hayden: Your first is always your worst.]

[JCM:  ]

"Bahumbug I say, don't side with Team SBC and then just root for the other team!" Mumbology said.

[Jjs: Oh hey random opposite!]
[Metal Snake: It's Christmastime in the opposite world, apparently.]

"You tell them, my opposite," Wumbo said.

[Jjs: And bye random opposite!]
[JCM: "I should probably remember your name, but oh well!]

"Remember, no weapons - just speed," Mothra said.

[OMJ: And any childish insult you can think of.]
[Metal Snake: Woah, we can't have weapons, but illegal drugs are fair game? Damn.]

The gong rung,
 
[JCM: Ooh, a past participle in place of the more appropriate past tense. Don't get too freaky.]
[Hayden: You don't get to correct grammar, traitor.

]

 

and they went out into the river track from the previous episode.

[OMJ: What, jjs' hat ran out of plot points?]

Ex was getting ahead of Mothra. He wanted to fire his gun, but kept forgetting.

[OMJ: Maybe you should try hacking her xat.  ]
[Metal Snake: So he didn't break the rules out of forgetfulness, not respect. Huh.]
 
"Gotta keep up!" Mothra said to him.

[Jjs: GOTTA GO FAST!]
[JCM: I don't think telling Ex that you need to keep up will make it any easier to keep up.]

"Well, at least the speed is better in this new baby," Ex said, revving it up.
 
[Metal Snake: I'll say, the new glove compartment hides it well.]
[Hayden: Oh, I thought Ex had given his drugs to a newly kidnapped baby.]

 

She flew over the water, and Ex rammed into her.

 

[Jjs: Surprise race sex?]

[Hayden: They're my OTP.]

 

Mothra slowly began to go into the water.
 
[JCM: Sinking like SBCPU's reputation.]
[OMJ: Mothra's getting wet.  ]

"Hey, you never said anything about ramming!" Ex teased.
 
[JCM: That'll hold up well in court.]
[Mothra: I never said anything about station wagons neither!]
[Metal Snake: But...you're the one who rammed her.]
[Hayden: Still kind of a scumbag move, "hero".]

 

"I don't care, but dear lord, your ship's color scheme hurts my eyes!" Mothra said.
 
[OMJ: Finally! She's surely pullin in the lead now!]
[Jjs: So I'm assuming Tvguy did make crudely drawn cartoon penises! You would've think Mothra would have admired them, though.]
[JCM: They're a bit too small for her.]
[Metal Snake: What's wrong with using only neon colors?]
[Hayden: Maybe V2 looks like a Porygon. I hope the ship's color doesn't give her a seizure.]

 

"Hey man, Tvguy came up with the design, not me," Ex said.

"Figures, I recognize that awful style anywhere," Mothra said.
 
[Jjs: Ouch.]
[OMJ: How is the Rainbow Dash still even operating after that one?]
[Metal Snake: Mothra for best character.]
[JCM: I wonder why tvguy hates her.]
[Hayden: Coming from the rival girl with a pink pony ship. Aren't you just the most original snowflake.]

 

"See 70s? She always bashes us...and she mocks what I make.." Tvguy said.

[OMJ: Well, you do bash SBM...and anything they make. How the hell did they even get Mothra on the SBC staff at this time?]
[Jjs: Okay, how the hell is the audience hearing these conversations? Are Mothra and Ex yelling them at ridiculously loud volumes? Is there some camera man following them? Can 70s and tvguy hear them through the computer screen thing? And guess what, INCONSISTENCY POLICE! How did none of them hear Dradius' conversation with Ex if they can hear this?]

"It's called constructive criticism, and to be honest-" 70s said.
 
[Metal Snake: "Just saying that it's awful is the best constructive criticism you can give!"]
[Hayden: I thought constructive criticism was giving suggestions as to how to make something better. Clearly the eye sore comment will give tvguy something to reflect on.]

 

"Shut up! I'm sick of you! I'm allowed to hate her, and you obviously hate what I add." Tvguy yelled, storming off.
 
[JCM: Someone's on his period.]
[Tvguy Wiseau: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, 70S!]
[Hayden: But we love when you are subtracted from this chapter.]

 

"Sigh..." 70s said. "I wish Tvguy would just grow up, and accept the treaty."

[OMJ: Does Clappy have to bust the treaty out of his ass again? Just to give him something to do.]
[Hayden: We've got to prevent another world war like the one in Rumble on SBC.]

 

"I will never understand that boy," dragiiin said.
 
[Metal Snake: Who are you and what have you done with dragiiin?]
[JCM: dragiiin's not really in a position to talk about being hard to understand, but that's why we love him.]

"That boy ain't right," Elastic said.

[Jjs: Elastic apparently turned into Hank Hill.]
[Hayden:  ]

 

Tvguy then went behind the stadium, and smiled. He pulled out a remote.
 
[JCM: This is no time to watch Empire!]
[Jjs: Is Tvguy going to activate an army of robots like suitelife?]
[OMJ: Either that, or signal the pony invasion.]
[Metal Snake: From his ass, obviously.]
[Hayden: Perhaps it came out of his vagina when he was on his period.]

 

"Don't mind me, I'm always pointing out color scheme flaws," Mothra said.

Ex kept speeding ahead. Mothra then turned on the MLP: FIM theme song.

[OMJ: Ya know, when I first mentioned MLP in this episode, I really did not expect it to be a major plot point here.]
[Metal Snake: I don't know, was Mothra THAT into MLP back in the day? The Pinkie Pie decor I can buy, but I never would imagine that she'd have the part of the show most fans hate ready to play any time on her ship.] 
[JCM: She literally has a cassette tape with nothing but the MLP theme song on loop.]
[Hayden: Well, that's one way to ramp up the finish. Pounding pony music that totally fits the tone of this mediocre race. Friendship between SBC and SBM truly is magic.]

 

"Ah...such a relaxing tune..." Ex said as he began to fall behind.

 

[Jjs: Ah...back when that was a fad. Good times. But seriously, I don't recall 2011 Ex being THAT much into MLP, either. At least not into it enough for him to slow down during a race and feel relaxed by it.]

 

"Ex, don't fall in! For once, don't let the brony take you over!" SpongeSebastian yelled.

[Jjs: SpongeSebastian should've just been the only character in this episode.]
[OMJ: At least his presence explains where Blubber went after his crash. I'm onto you, Seb.  ]
[Metal Snake: "Submit to the otaku instead!"]
[Hayden: Ex.....was....a brony? *twitches* Everything I know IS A LIE.]

 

"Well SBC, I'm impressed. Maybe you guys can follow directions!" Mothra laughed.
 
[JCM: You're so great! There's nothing we love more than being patronized by you!]
[Hayden: I wonder if Mothra's line right there was foreshadowing. Tvguy, hurry up with the fucking remote.]

 

As Ex was getting back up, a missile fired out of his ship, and at Mothra's.

[OMJ: Looks like Ex got hacked. Oh cruel irony.]
[Jjs: I assume Ex wanted Mothra to "eat" that missile, if you know what I'm saying.]

"What the fuck....?" Ex asked.

[OMJ: It's as if he heard what you said, Jjs.]
[Metal Snake: No no no. Say "Eat this!" like Liquid Snake would.]

"Looks like somebody broke the no weapons rule!" Mothra said, as she then attacked the Pulp Rider V2 with a powerful rainbow blast.
 
[JCM: NOT THE RAINBOWS!]

[Hayden: YOU ATTACKED FIRST WITH THAT GOD AWFUL MUSIC. TELL HER EX.]

[Metal Snake: "Looks like somebody watched the MLP Season 2 premiere!"
 
Yeah, being able to say that in Discord's voice is making me question Mothra's innocence. ] 

 

It then flew against the ocean floor, and hit a pillar. Mothra then crossed the finish line and won, leaving Ex in the dust.

[Jjs: Wow, that happened so fast that I forgot to blink.]
[OMJ: Another race bites the dust for ole Team SBC.]
[Hayden: It looks like you've really showed Mothra now, Tvguy.]

 

"Last time I trust SBC! You guys can take away my Fry Cook position, I don't give a shit anymore." Mothra said.
 
[JCM: Assuming you ever did.]
[Hayden: What a fucking baby. The missile didn't even hit you apparently.]

 

"Go find some unprofessional GFX, and deal with your ugly color schemes."

[OMJ: And I thought Ex was a sore winner. I guess they really are made for each other.]
[Hayden: She's taking this personal because she's in lurve with Ex.]

 

Ex got to the stadium, and SBM had their first win point.

"What the hell happened to no guns, Ex?!" Tvguy said.
 
[Jjs: Yeah man, Jesus. I know you want Mothra to have that missile, but that was way out of line for public television! Actually...is this race even being broadcasted on television?]
[OMJ: Gun, missiles, there's a big difference there.]
[Metal Snake: "It wasn't a gun, it was just a missile. Sheesh."]
[Hayden: Hey SBC members, notice which of you is saying this right now.]

 

"I don't know what happened, I did NOT press, and I repeat, did NOT press the gun controls." Ex said.
 
[JCM: I did NOT have, and I repeat, did NOT have sexual relations with that woman.]

[Hayden: Tell it to the judge, you're going to big boy prison for not being able to control your gun. Teenagers these days, always thinking with their penis.]

 

"I don't know what to say in this debate, but wow, just wow," Steel Sponge said.

 

[Hayden: I see S2 is laying on the character development.]

[Jjs: Atta boy Steel. You and Seb should've been the main characters of this episode, actually.]
[OMJ: Steel's not gonna spring into action? Cuz that'll really save this episode for me.]
[Metal Snake: "I don't know how to riff this, but wow, just wow."]

"Wow...so basically you commented either way," Wumbo said.
 
[JCM: Bring his opposite back. I liked him better.]
[Jjs: And these two lines of filler have been brought to you by SBCPU!Wumbo & Steel, the duo for comic relief when you have SBM/SBC drama all over the place.]
[OMJ: That's something that gets rocks thrown at bitches, Wumbo. Don't test Steely Dan!]

"Well, this was your first ride with the PRV2, so there was obviously going to be a bug," Tvguy said.

[OMJ: But anything built that same day should be good to go, right?!]

"True, a shame we lost again, and it's too late to get Mothra back.." Ex said, disappointed.

[OMJ: Do we even want her back.]
[Jjs: Seriously, 2011 Ex never even liked Mothra. Even ignoring my "missile" joke, there's nothing to be "disappointed" about here...unless he really wanted someone to have it.]
[Metal Snake: She's not even on your team...]
[Hayden: It's never too late as long as you do a big romantic gesture, Ex.]

 

"Sorry for your loss, SBC," that80sguy said.
 

[Jjs: Pointless Opposite Cameo #2.]

[JCM: That's not the opposite I was talking about, but good enough.]

"It's okay, my fine opposite friend," 70s said.

[70s: Would it be bi-curious or masturbation if I blew my robot opposite?]

"Don't get upset, Moth was a bitch anyways." Teenj said.

 

[OMJ: Now THAT'S something worth bolding, coloring blue and putting in your sig.]

[Jjs: Scratch that. Seb, Steel AND teenj should've been the main characters of this episode.]

[Hayden: But Ex LOVES bitches. ]

[Metal Snake: Yeah, I can actually imagine Past!teenj saying something along those lines.]

"True dat," Elastic said.
 
[JCM: Weren't you just going all Hank Hill on tvguy for not liking Mothra?]
[Hayden: So now they all hate SBM for reacting to what they assumed was a broken deal?]

 

"Well Moth, this shows who is superior," Hasfarr said to her at the SBM hanger.

[Jjs: So 3 SBMers are alive.]
[OMJ: And still no PhilipB reporting LOVE from SBM's butthole.]
[Metal Snake: Ha ha, elitism.]
[Hayden: That attitude HAS gotten him FAR in life. Wink wink.]

 

"Indeed, and I'm done with SBC. They don't want to listen to me, I won't listen to them." Moth said, happy, but slightly feeling betrayed at the same time.
 
[OMJ: So she's still on board for the v8 Orca launch, I presume.]
[JCM: Speaking of betrayal, I wonder when my character will stop by to tell Mothra congratulations and beg her to be on the SBM team.]
[Hayden: She feels two emotions at once. Maybe she isn't a bitch. At the very least she's the closest thing to complex in this story now.]

 

"There's something not right..." 70s said to himself. "There's no way the gun would just fire like that. I think there's a little more to this race then what appears.."

[OMJ: There's only one explanation for this...

 ]
[Jjs: GEE I WONDER

Yeah, I wasn't a big fan of this one. I've been easy on this season so far, but this one was obnoxious. Mothra and Tvguy were irritating, and it's impossible to root for either of them. OMJ said it best: SBC/SBM Drama The Episode: Lit Ratings Gold. Tvguy was just being an annoying douche, and Mothra herself was no better with her arrogant bitchiness. I feel no sympathy for either of them, and I bet if the riffers had to choose a side, they wouldn't be on either. I guess maybe it did sort of accurately describe late 2011's drama, but it was way too over the top to me to find it funny or enjoyable. This episode also is sadly only just the beginning of the Ex/Mothra/Tvguy plot line, and trust me, I remember this being a disliked plot at the time. It's fine if people don't find this that bad, and maybe I went too far calling it the worst episode, but coming from the author, I feel this was definitely a misfire (pun possibly intended).]
[OMJ: But to be fair, I think you got both tvguy and Mothra to a tee here. I mean, come on. Tvguy trying to help only to make things worse, Mothra being our enemy one minute, our friend the next, then enemy a minute after that. Hell, the in-fighting between Team SBC is pretty commendable too, especially at it's time. Look at me, raving when I should be ranting.  ]
[Metal Snake: Yeah, while I don't find this episode as bad as jjs does, it's still not well done in several areas and leaves room for improvement. The fatal flaw lies in the poor characterization of both tvguy and Mothra, as previously talked about. If you want to make them unlikable or less-than-likable, fine. But at least have them act amusing over an amusing conflict. The entire conflict they had in the episode was just mundane, distracting, and annoyingly childish. That aside, I still enjoyed this episode, but not as much as the others.]
[JCM: I don't remember much of the SBM/SBC conflict in 2011, but if it was as boring as this episode made it out to be, I'm glad I don't. As for the episode itself, I don't have much to say that the others haven't said already. I'm just here so I don't get fined.]

[Hayden: So all I remember from this episode is too much forced in MLP and the start of what I can only assume is SBCPU's version of a love triangle with Ex/Mothra/Tvguy. The ceasefire was pointless to make and knowing the level of incompetence these characters share, it's hard to know when they'll sort the remote nonsense out. I don't care about that either though, and now we know SBC beats all three filler teams in order to make it to the finals. Can we fast forward please? Things are not looking marvelous from here.]

 

Edited May 4, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

 

35. Wondering Like The Wargers

Spoiler

35. Wondering Like The Wargers

[OMJ: More like "Wondering Who Are The Wargers", amirite. *puts hand up for high five* Anyone?]

[Clappy: More like Wondering What Are Wargers? I still don't feel like I have an understanding as to what they are.]

[Fa: The who's?]

"Yikes, you guys seem to be hitting the stinker   ," Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick said to the team in the SBC hanger.

 

[OMJ: Yeah, I mean, if "The Wargers" is the best thing Jjs could pull out of his hat, then abandon all hope right now.]

"Well, let's hope we can win this one!" 70s said, encouraging the team.

[Clappy: And if all else fails, do what 70s does best. Bail!]
[OMJ: Blow us off, why won't ya. Get it, cuz he blew us off for glee forums and fellatio- no? k den...]

"I guess, with every new thing, must come a bug," Steel said.

[OMJ: Every SBC update ever!]

[Clappy: So not true. Version 12 Manatee is going to be the shit.]

"I know it wasn't a bug.." 70s said, looking at Tvguy.

 

[Clappy:  ]

[Fa: *starts slow, smooth jazz*]
[OMJ: The sexual tension is building.]

Meanwhile, we cut to OMJ in the streets.

"Well, the doc said I could walk around a bit....but I know there's something not right about my crash," OMJ said. "It was sabotaged, but who would do it? It's time for DETECTIVE BROMJ ACTION!"

 

[Fa: Well, that was a lot of action in a condensed paragraph...]
[OMJ: Still gonna run with that one? I don't even remember ever saying that. I must've been high, I must be high right now, in fact.]

[Clappy: Still better than Sherlock SOF.]

We then cut to the stadium.

[OMJ: Yes, returning to this SOF forsaken place would make me wanna cut myself too.] 

"Up next...SBC VS. The Wargers!" SOF yelled.

 

[Clappy: Poor SOF. I'm surprised he hasn't blown out his vocal chords with all the yelling he's doing this season.]

"C'mon Ex, you can do it!" Wumbo said.

[OMJ: Was Wumbo always this two-faced then? Did somebody splatter acid all over him in 2011?]

"There will also be a special match," JeremyCreek said, pulling a ball out of the bag. "The Target Race! 

 

[Fa: Uggh, it wasn't special the first time!]
[OMJ: Bag getting that empty, huh?]

[Clappy: When all else fails, stick with what you know.]

You know the drill, whoever hits the most, and crosses the finish line wins."

 

[Fa: We're even acknowledging the unoriginality at this point!]

A giant steam liner ship appeared, it almost looked like a warship. The pilot was named Zelx.

[OMJ: Bag getting more empty, huh?]

"Hello human, are you prepared to race?" Zelx asked.

 

[OMJ: Nah, nah, Jjs didn't just do that. He didn't. I mean, come on! Sure, he's already put in robots, trolls and other mythical creatures but there's no way he possibly just threw aliens in this orgy of clustermindfuck. I can't even begin to make a Party thread excuse for this one- The Wargers' parties were outta this world! Yeah, yeah. That'll do it...]

[Fa: I knew aliens would eventually be the next cliche up.]

[Clappy: Wow, Bikini Top sure did inspire a mythical creature rape session.

 

*looks at Bikini Bottom High*

 

...someday, my old friend. Someday.]

 

"Sure, I guess." Ex replied.

 

[Fa: Such confidence can only be displayed by a true hero!]

"GO!" JC and SOF yelled. The gate opened.

[OMJ: ...Disappointment. Building up more than 70s/tvguy atm here.]

Zelx fired at will, and was at 20 points. Ex and Zelx rammed against each other.

 

[Clappy: Forget the 70s/tvguy sexual tension, Ex and Zelx are already "ramming" each other.]

"Sorry, but I must win the prize...to restore my home! We've had one win so far, but defeating you will give us two!" Zelx said.

 

[Clappy: Should have thought about this whole winning is important theory a few losses ago.]

[Fa: Glad to see the aliens continue to prioritize mathematics even in this busy time of space race adventures.]
[OMJ: Oh good, they know how to count on your planet.]

"Wait, prize?" Ex asked.

 

[Fa: *facepalm* Why else do people compete in competitions? Participation medals?]

[OMJ: Yes, absolute power. Y'know. Why else do you think you're risking life and limb here, ya dumb fu- I'm sorry, the alien thing is just still there. And I really wish it weren't.  ]

[Clappy: So in other words, absolute power = adminship. Zelx for next Main SBC Admin.]

"Yes...the grand prize, if I win, I could use it to restore my home," Zelx said.

"Wait...I thought the grand prize was just becoming the Grand Ruler?" Ex asked.

[Clappy: Once again, Main Admin of SBC.]

"It's more than that....it can let you do many things. Bring back dead ones, and restore civilizations.." Zelx said.

 

[Fa: SO YOU CAN BECOME A WIZARD!? I TOLD YOU GUYS!]
[OMJ: Wouldn't that make your team "The Warger"? Singular?]

[Clappy: Oh boy! So we can bring back Prudence!  ]

"Ex, stop socializing and start winning!" drag said.

 

[Drag: Ex, stop expositioning and start progressing.]

[OMJ: Yeah, cut the cliche backstory crap!]

"Drag, shut up, I do care." Ex said, as he fired at a bunch of targets.

[OMJ: Care about what? The Warger race? Winning this race? Just had a Wiseau moment there?]

Zelx then made a piece of paper appear,

 

[Fa: Woah! He already is a wizard!]
[OMJ: HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! What's he doing with Steel's spin-off?]

[Clappy: Yeah! I've been waiting a whole year for a new Guru Gakuto. ONE YEAR!]

and it transformed into a circle. He used a staff to divide the pieces and shoot them at the targets.

[OMJ: I sure hope that was SBCrats he shot out, that stuff's really painful.  ]

[Clappy: ....seriously, what the fuck. A magical piece of paper...excuse me while I compose myself before I go off on a tang....]

"Holy shit, how did you know how to do that?" Ex said, who was at 30 points.

[Zelx: When you lose your home the cliche way I did, you find yourself drowning your sorrows. Unfortunately for me, spin-offs were my only alternative to alcohol and gave this one too many shots.]

[Clappy: ....no seriously. My mind is blown. That's the stupidest thing I've read up to this point from SBCPU. Makes me almost forget the massive amounts of ass kissing Hassan was given in Season 1 and Ex is getting right now in Season 2.....almost.]

"The Wargers have been wonderful fighters...until the Dark Ones destroyed my home.

[OMJ: ACS's fart took out an entire planet?] 

I've wanted to win the prize to restore it, and my people's spirits, and to defeat the Dark Ones." Zelx explained, upset.

"Damn man....I feel bad, but unfortunately, I must win too!" Ex said, flying ahead.

 

[Clappy: Oh ho ho...you almost had me there lit. You almost made me think Ex was going to act OOC again.]

[Fa: Ex, not giving a shit since 2010!]

[OMJ: Yeah, screw you and your dead race! We'll make sure you reunite with them very soon..]

"Well, it was nice to talk, and now it is time to get serious!" Zelx said.

[OMJ: Seriously, did you guys just stop in the middle of your race to shove cliche backstories down our throats?]
[70s: I'm not complaining.]

OMJ was in the streets of the island,

"Alright, everyone listen up: I know yall had something to do with my crash, so confess up," OMJ said.

 

[Fa: Not an overreaction to blame an entire island for the crash. Not at all.]

He then harassed a passerby.

[OMJ: That totes sounds like me.]

[Clappy: Because OMJ's a jerk and everybody loves him.]

"Get off of me, weirdo!" He said, and flew.

[Fa: Jjs, you can't just say he flew away! What the hell was he? The intrigue is going to kill me forever!]

"Hmm...looks like I must try a different approach." OMJ said.

[OMJ: If a kid can get into a bar here, I'm sure you'd be just fine.]

[Clappy: Maybe indirectly flirt with the island. Look where that's gotten Ex.]

Just then, he heard a voice.

"Come to me....."

 

[Fa: Flying Spaghetti Monster?]
[OMJ: That's what 70s said.]

"Who's there? Have the hellmen awaken?" OMJ asked.

 

[Fa: The Hellmen? The Hell?]
[OMJ: When have I ever said that ever.]

[Clappy: Page 2525 of your ask thread.]

"Come to me..." the voice said, as he approached the alley.

[OMJ: So is the voice coming onto me or the alley?]

OMJ kept going closer, until he came face-to-face with Phalos.

[Ex: Who the hell?]

[Clappy: Seriously tho, who the hell? There are FAR too many characters to follow this season for me to keep up with. Jjs, remember this didn't work out well for Bikini Top either.]

"Well, well, well, it's Team SBC's old pilot!" She mocked. She blasted a rainbow blast at him, but he dodged.

 

[Clappy: I'm sorry, but you can't be intimidating with a move like rainbow blast.]

"I'm presuming you were responsible for my crash!" OMJ said, as he punched at her,

[OMJ: I hit girls now?!]

but Dradius flew down, and got in the way.

 

[Fa: Well, that escalated quickly.]

"That would be me..." Dradius said.

 

[Clappy: Oh...this guy...*yawns*]

OMJ, nearly shocked, took a run for it.

 

[Fa: OMJ is not a pussy, completely inaccurate.]
[OMJ: Sounds plenty shocked to me if you pussied out like that.]

Dradius blasted dark fire at him.

[OMJ: Dradius don't discriminate.]

[Clappy: It's because he's not black, isn't it?]

"Whoa, maybe you are a hellman after all!" OMJ said.

[OMJ: Seriously, you must have me confused with E-Dawg or something.]

[Clappy: Well one thing's for sure. You have me confused.]

Dradius growled, and the townspeople were looking at OMJ very confused.

[Clappy: Yet you have a mythical creature right nearby. Who handed the idiot ball to the townspeople? What is this? Post-movie SpongeBob?]
[OMJ: A pegasus and dragon? Nothing outta the ordinary here. An old man? Sell his body to science!]

"I'm not risking it, I'm running!" OMJ said as he made a run for it.

"Flee, coward! You did not deserve the pilot position!" Dradius said, 

[OMJ: Well, you're not wrong there. Look at me, disappointed in meself.]

with dark fire in his mouth.

[OMJ: That's definitely gonna leave blisters.]

[Clappy: On a serious note, since when did fire have the capability to turn dark? I thought it was one universal constant shade?]

"Alright, I got my answer, and that's one place I'll never go back to!" OMJ said.

Dradius stared at him from the midst.

[OMJ: Just fuck me, why won't ya.]
[Dradius:]

"Keep an eye on him....we don't want him telling the others of our presence..." Dradius said.

 

[Fa: BUT PRACTICALLY EVERYONE KNOWS OF YOU ALREADY! LOGIC PLEASE!]

Clappy: Ssshhhhh, it's okay Fa. Everyone is too busy looking at OMJ to know Dradius is present.]

"Yes, my lord," Flareix replied.

[OMJ: You're already participants in the tournament, you even told Ex you wanna destroy us all before trying to kill him. I'm sure everyone and Webby's mother knows who you are by now.]

We cut back to the race, Ex was in the lead with 120 points, while Zelx was trailing behind with 117.

[Clappy: Did we cut to commercial break or something? Or does this game really not matter that it's this close to ending already?]

"Not bad, but is it enough to top this!" Zelx said, as he made a piece of paper appear,

 

[Clappy: Quick Ex. Scissors cuts paper.]

 

and divided it again, and shot it at the targets.

[OMJ: Watch out, we've got a badass over here.]

[Clappy: Seriously though, this paper thing is awful. If I see this brought up one more time...]

We then saw Gargos on a cliff, and saw Zelx.

"Sir...remember the intruder a while back, who dropped that mysterious piece of paper?" Gargos said, in contact with Dradius through a mystic spell.

"Yes?" Dradius asked.

 

[Dradius: That piece of paper is like a gift from the gods. We must have it.]

"I think I found him.." Gargos said, as he pointed to Zelx.

[OMJ: Fuck, I liked my theory loads better. Talk about another blown opportunity to integrate more of the members for the sake of characters we don't know or care about.]

"A Warger...of course....it was fun destroying their world I admit.

[OMJ: I hope it was as fun for you as it is for me reading this right now. ]

Take him out, we can't have him spill our secrets." Dradius said.

 

[Fa: Apparently they didn't see the whole conversation earlier in this episode.]
[OMJ: A lil' late to the party there. And why don't you just kill me instead of letting me go? I doubt I was scared that shitless to not squeal, I mean, I ratted out Blubber's gang last season. I'm like SBC's Randall and the forumotion/vBulletin police is my Ms. Finster.]

Gargos nodded, and he threw a large rock at Zelx's ship, just as he was about to hit a target.

 

[Fa: Rocks! The Wargers' weakness!]
[Clappy: Silly Fa, everyone knows paper covers rock.]

"Gah, those cliffs!" Zelx said.

[OMJ: The boulders strike back!]

"Hot damn, I thought this was a Target Race, not a trap race!" Ex joked. 

 

[OMJ: I don't get it.]

[Clappy:  ]

They then saw the finish line ahead. There was one target left.

Zelx began to pull out a piece of paper.

 

"No no no!" Ex yelled as he speeded ahead.

 

[Clappy: Seriously? THREE TIMES IN ONE EPISODE JJS!?!? Excuse me while I go torture myself with more shamefully bad movie soundtracks.

 

GO DUMBASS GO DUMBASS GO!]

[OMJ: It's like he pulled out Weasel's Adventures of No Name movie or something.]

Gargos then launched a powerful blast at Zelx's ship, and it exploded, as Ex hit the last target, and crossed the finish line. The crowd was both cheering and also shocked at the same time.

 

[Clappy: So the crowd is the crowd from Speed Racer?]
[OMJ: AAHH! OOHH! UUUHHH!]

"What the heck just happened!? I know ExKizuna could not have launched a beam that powerful!" Wood Sponge said.

"I agree, my wooden opposite," Steel Sponge said.

 

[Clappy: BOO!]

[Fa: That was pretty humorous actually...for all of the wrong reasons.]

"gold, get yer gold anyone?!" faiiiry123 asked.

"bro, now's not the time," drag said.

[Jjs: Looks like it's time to remind readers that this is SBC Parallel Universe again!]

"Go help him!" Ex said to SOF.

We saw Zelx was in medical care.

[OMJ: Something tells me SOF made it worse.]

"Ex...you deserve to win. By all means, win the prize for me and my people." Zelx said.

 

[Clappy: And we will eternally kiss your ass as much as SBC does presently.]

"I promise," Ex said.

 

[Fa: A tender moment. How beautiful.

 

...He's not going to be seen again, is he?]

"Thank you.." Zelx said.

[OMJ: ...Is he dead yet?!]

Ex went back to the base.

 

[Clappy: Had to do a double take since I thought it said Ex went back to the bae. But I mean with all the ass kissing he is getting this season, SBC might as well be the "bae".]

 

"Good job, our first win!" 70s said.

"Thanks...but it's hard for me to get cheery." Ex said.

[OMJ: Give this man a xat to hack, he deserves it.]

"I understand, but with all races comes loses," 70s said.

[OMJ: Yeah, lose the race but NOT LOSE YOUR LIFE.]

"The thing is..I didn't even win. I didn't launch that blast at him," Ex said.

 

[Clappy: Oh wow, how noble of you Ex. Normally you don't give two shits and a win is a win.]

"Maybe it was just a malfunction, they can happen," 70s said.

[OMJ: 70s must have some of that white stuff lifeguards put on their nose in his eyes if he didn't see that calculated blast coming from a specific general direction.]

OMJ then came into the base, with a very nervous look on his face.

"Yo BROMJ, how was medical?" Wumbo asked.

[OMJ: My SBC insurance won't cover the costs. I really dug myself into a hole coming here.]

"F-Fine, my good Wumbooty!" OMJ said.

 

[Clappy: Wow, did the townspeople staring at him break his spirit?]

"Are you okay?" Elastic asked.

"Yeah, it's nothing," OMJ said, looking out the window, thinking of Dradius and the Dark Ones.

[OMJ: You can't catch me gay thoughts!

  ]

[Clappy: Well, this episode was just straight up stupid. Season 2 has been far more stupid than anything else. It's not bad persay, but so many instances of facepalming and wondering what the hell is going on has made me a tired boy. Clarification is all I ask for.]

Edited December 30, 2016 by jjsthekid

[Metal Snake]

Great riffs, especially Clappy's. I could tell he was a lot more into it than he was back with episode 27.

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

 

36. Mysterious Like Mystery Racer

Spoiler

Notice: I am sincerely sorry for the delay with this episode.

[OMJ: Is there anybody to even apologize to?]
[Hayden: Take all the time you need. Wouldn't want a bad end product or anything.]

 

It was supposed to come Wednesday, but I my
 
[JCM: I. My. Aye yi yi.]
 
schedule filled with something that I could not keep control of. This is still a Wednesday episode, and the order will still go as planned.

[OMJ: No worries, mang, puberty gets the better of all of us.]

[Hayden: Jjs and his love of ballet, always getting in the way of his color coded day to day schedule sheets.]

[Metal Snake: What's wrong with a Tuesday episode?  ]

36. Mysterious Like Mystery Racer

[OMJ: Great, just what everything needs: Mr. Enter.]
[JCM: Are they bringing in a seahorse?]
[Hayden: Great, now I'll be disappointed if the Mystery Racer isn't riding Mystery the Seahorse.]

 

"Alright, not bad, we're improving," Clappy said, in the SBC hanger.

[OMJ: If you call getting a win off of outside forces improvement, then by all means, one of you could jump in at anytime in the future.]
[Hayden:  ]

 

"It wasn't really a fair win though.." Ex sighed.

 

[Metal Snake: All's fair in love and war.]

[Hayden: I'm getting Mothra flashbacks from that line, MS.]

 

"Don't worry man, whatever happened, it wasn't your fault," Elastic said.

[JCM: The reason he's upset is because it wasn't his fault. lrn2console]

"Apparently the Wargers are now out of the competition, according to the team updates," SpongeSebastian said.

[OMJ: Can the team updates also tell you what the spin-off/lit of the week is? Cuz it sure ain't this.]

[Metal Snake: Those are some informative status updates.]
[Hayden: I really thought the Wargers had what it takes to win. What with us seeing every race they were in and-oh.]

 

"Well...at least that's one threat out," Steel said, and Ex seemed upset.

 

[Trophy: Do I have to call the whambulance?]
[OMJ: Still leaves the boulders though.]
[JCM: And the threat that someone else will figure out Ex's weakness is the MLP theme song.]

[Metal Snake: Ex was hoping on the Wargers to actually do something in this show.]
[Hayden: Ex, get your head up and put your balls back on. Even if they beat you, they'd still be out for only winning one game. Probably wasn't a game against SBM or Darkness either.]

 

SOF then entered in.

 

[Hayden:  ]
[OMJ: "SOF then entered in accessed barged penetrated immigrated" He just arrived, you know.]

[Metal Snake: The waiter showed up.]

"Hey SBC team, not a bad jon!" SOF said.

 

[Trophy: So again, is this supposed to be real life, because I'm pretty sure SOF even back then would speak more proper than this.]
[JCM: Try telling Kate Gosselin that.]
[OMJ: Just shit on it, why won't ya.]

[Metal Snake: SOF, I thought we talked about making intentional typos for attention.] 
[Hayden: Is there anybody named Jon in this hangar? Anybody? Maybe SOF is showing favoritism.]

 

"Thanks SOF," 70s said.

"Lol, bad jon," JCM teased.

[JCM: That sounds nothing like me.]

"enough, JCM," SOF barked.

 

[Hayden: SOF really put that numbskull NOOB in his place.]

[OMJ: SOF's a dog now? Well, "god" backwards is "dog", hmmm.]

[Metal Snake: Getting teased for a typo must be ruff.]

"Cool it you two," 70s said as he split them up.

[70s: Save it for in bed. With me.]
[JCM: What was he splitting up? Was there a fight going on that wasn't mentioned? I didn't even have time to place my bet! SOF for a million.]

[Hayden: They were about to nude wrestle in a ball pit.]

[Metal Snake: Go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.]

 

"as I was saying...keep up the good work! Watch out though, rumoer has it there is a tough Mystery Racer out there..he's never been defeated!" SOF said, as he slowly left.

 

[Trophy: And I'll be back tomorrow! And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...]
[OMJ: It's as if he's purposefully taking his sweet ass time to leave just so he can see their reactions to that. A very SOF thing to do.]
[Hayden: Never been defeated? Way to spoil one of the clear finalists. Thanks for your continued insignificance, Kan.]

 

"Mystery Racer? I can take on any threat any day!" Ex said.

[OMJ: Says the guy who already has two losses under his belt.]

[Trophy: Okay, how about you take on a task to destroy the sun.]
[JCM: He can take on any threat any day as long as there are laser beams from God to assist him.]
[Hayden: Those were agnostic laser beams, JCM.]

 

"People make stories like that up all the time, I doubt he is really a threat," SpongeSebastian.

[OMJ: He already sounds more like one than the Dark Ones.  ]

[Trophy: Same here, I doubt anything is more dangerous than the Teletubbies in this show, preach it Seb!]
[Metal Snake: Yeah, I remember the last time my friend told me a story about an undefeated mystery racer.]

[Hayden: Never doubt tales about the man, the myth, and the legend. Only thousands of those across history.]

 

"Let's not let our guard down, he might be worth looking into," 70s said.

 

[SOF: 70s, that's gross.]
[JCM: Nobody's gonna do it, but it's definitely worth doing.]
[OMJ: No 70s, you can't give head to the mystery racer.]
[Hayden: You guys are such wimps. It's just a simple prostate exam.]

 

We then cut to the stadium. We see Dradius facing off against Rift, and Dradius won.

[OMJ: Well, that was anti-climactic.]

[Metal Snake: Dradius defeated the power of the infinite Void in one sentence. Someone give him a medal.]

[Trophy: Such action and details. IT DESERVES A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE!]

[Hayden: I'm beginning to forget if our overpowered villains are capable of losing.]

 

"And a win for Team Darkness!" JeremyCreek yelled. "Next up is SBC VS. Mystery Racer!"

"Well, that's totally not a coincidence," JCM said.

 

[Trophy: JCM STOP TAKING MY- oh wait nvm.]
[OMJ: Totally, who would've thunk Enter was relevant even back in 2011?]
[JCM: Man, I was so sarcastic back then! Good thing I never make sarcastic comments anymore, as you can tell by these riffs.]
[Hayden: JCM's sharp wit is on par with SOF's. I'll give him that.]

 

"Let's see if this oh so powerful Mystery Racer is as threatening as he is made out to be," Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick said.

[hilaryfan80: I have a code at the ready that shall prove otherwise!]

[Metal Snake: "I exist again to say a line that any other character could've said!"]
[Trophy: Whatever you say, Professor Stubborn.]

 

"Well, I don't give a shit if he has never been defeated, I'll take 'em on!" Ex said, getting in the ship.

[JCM: How brave of you to race the person you're scheduled to race.]

Out came a very fancy ship. It was like a ball, and had a magic pulse to it. It almost resembled a doughnut, with two steel balls that came out of it from the back.

 

[Trophy: So it's Homer Simpson from the Simpsons movie?]
[OMJ: lolwut? This racer is so mysterious that not even their vehicle can give us a clear picture of his/her gender.]

[Metal Snake: Mhmm. Donuts. But seriously...what. That description...]

 

"Prepare to meet your doom!" The Mystery Racer said, as he appeared with a cape, and white mask.

[JCM: Wow! A cape!
 
...

And white mask!]
[Trophy: What, no dark black mask like Batman cliche?]

 

He resembled a magician.

 

[Trophy: And I'm a ribbon.]
[OMJ:  ]

[Hayden:  ]

"So now you're gonna throw magic tricks at me, eh? I'll take you on!" Ex said.

[JCM: didn't you just say that]
[OMJ: Alright, why don't you just play some A-ha while you're at it!]

[Metal Snake: Ya better believe I got tricks up my sleeve...]
[Hayden: Throwing rabbits at you would just be stupid, Ex. He'll fling dove poop at you instead.]

 

"GO!" JeremyCreek yelled, ringing the gong. The two were off.

[OMJ: Not gonna let them get ready or set? No wonder the body count keeps rising.]
[Hayden: Does it feel like something's missing besides that?]

 

"Uh oh, I heard MR has never been defeated!" Smiles said.

 

[Trophy: Oh hey, you existed back then.]
[OMJ: I sure hope you brought Ex his sandwich on your random way over here.]
[JCM: Smiles makes her first SBCPU appearance with a shocking fact: The undefeated Mystery Racer has never been defeated! Next she'll inform us that the sky is blue.]

[Metal Snake: Uh, no shit. You're a little late there. Should've chosen a better time to magically exist again.] 
[Hayden: Does Mystery Racer have any traits beside this? Maybe a wife or family? Perhaps they like to knit? Come on, I need some three dimensional racers.]

 

"I'm sure Ex can do it," 70s reassured.

[OMJ: That's what 70s said.]
[Hayden: 70s, we all know Ex can have sex with whatever or whoever the Mystery Racer is. We need to know who is on top though. This race decides it.]

 

Mystery Racer clashed with the Pulp Rider, and he made the two steel balls come out of his ship. They floated around and banged the PR.

[OMJ: Ex ain't prepared for this shit, we should've let 70s have a crack at this one.]

[Metal Snake: I know you want to bang bang. ] 
[Trophy: *washes eyes with soap*]

 

"I would make a sexual joke right now if

[JCM: this was middle school]
[Hayden: this was high school]

 

this wasn't a serious race!" Ex said, as he shot lasers at him.

 

[Trophy: *still washing eyes with soap*]
[OMJ: But is this race SUPER CEREAL? I don't think so.]

[Metal Snake: About as serious as this lit?]
[Hayden: Ex, you've had dialogue with everyone you've competed against. Surely you have time to reach into your bag of sexual jokes.]

 

As they were flying fast, the Mystery Racer's mask slightly slid off from being rammed against a wall.

 

[Metal Snake: Personally, I'm more concerned about the injuries he suffered from being rammed against a wall. T'would be horribly ironic if his face was disfigured from said accident.] 
[Trophy: Slightly?]

[Hayden: That wall burn's got to string bro.

]

 

"Take that!" Ex yelled.

[JCM: Ex uses wall! It's super effective!]

The Mystery Racer then made the two balls spin fast, and turned on fire!

 

[Hayden: That would require the balls to hit against one another and a heavy dose of friction. The mere act of spinning isn't going to do jack shit in mid-air.]

[Trophy: Okay, I know the GUN Truck is a giant truck with saw-blades and it can fly and it's canon video game wise- BUT WHERE'S THE LOGIC IN THIS?]
[OMJ: It doesn't take much to turn on fire, give me a stick or two, I'll rub those two bad boys together and I'll turn on some fire faster than you can say "a dark fire flame blazing inferno of concentrated heat and brimstone."]

[Metal Snake: Some like it hot.  ] 

He spun them around and around and around,

[OMJ: Like a squirrel record, baby.]
[JCM: I'm getting dizzy just reading this.]
[Hayden: This logic is spinning my head around so hard that I'm about to lose my lunch.]

 

till they made a ring of fire.

[OMJ: So is he trying to make Ex fall into his spinning balls?]
[Hayden: This Mystery Racer might want to have his balls checked out by a doctor or something. Balls can be cold blue, but they are never this fiery red.]

 

He shot it at Ex, which damaged the Pulp Rider.

 

[Trophy: So it's partially flame-resistant? Nice to know, considering some of the other stuff in this.]

[Hayden: Detaching his balls still has made him the more vulnerable party. All Ex has to do is kick those things.]

 

Ex counteracted by shooting lasers at this ship more, and his mask fell off from the collision.

[JCM: The collision of what? His lasers and the ship? Or did Ex use wall again?]

[Metal Snake: How do you collide against lasers?!]
[Hayden: Here's a science lesson. Since the lasers were the only thing traveling towards the sphere shaped ship, the two were not directly going into one another. Thus, it was a one sided collision and the explosion had the massively mind boggling affect of ripping off a mask. If you haven't noticed I have no idea what the hell I'm spouting out right now.]

 

"Now, let's see who this is!" Ex said, as he saw the MR's ship coming down.

Out of the steaming ship appeared....SOF?!!

 

[JCM: What a twist!!!!1!]

[Trophy: ...Nononononononono NO ISN'T THERE SOMETHING ABOUT THIS IN THE RULEBOOK?!]
[Hayden: We should have known since they stressed the undefeated part of the Mystery Racer's personality. Who else would fit that description?]

 

"eh, ello Ex!" SOF chuckled.

 

[Trophy: So he was using correct English before, SO IT MUST BE HIS MASK!]
[OMJ: So he was only giving us a slight edge just so he could take us over for a ride later on! I should've known. But is this when he starts kissing our ass after being made to look like one just now?]

[Metal Snake: "'Ello gov'nor!"]

[Hayden: Don't chuckle Kan, I'm still mad at you for being a knock-off Amon.]

 

"SOF, what the fuck are you doing? Where is Mystery Racer?" Ex asked.

[JCM: We're all Mystery Racer. And by "we", I mean SOF.]
[Hayden: Ex, the idiot stick is reserved for the side characters. At least try to replicate Hassan's intelligence.]

 

"I AM MR, :P" SOF said.

 

[Trophy: ...Yup, it's the mask.]
[OMJ: I could make a very mean-spirited joke right now, but even I can't go that low- Tell me something I don't know. I'm sorry! I can't control myself like Jjs sometimes!]
[Hayden: Mr. Who? Sound out your entire fake persona.]

 

"The Mystery Racer is...SOF?!" JeremyCreek yelled, even though he really knew it was him the whole time.

[JCM: And did nothing about it because?]
[OMJ: No wonder why Santa chose to forget your town.]

[Metal Snake: "I'm acting!"] 
[Hayden: He really sold us up the creek without a paddle.]

 

"wat," 70s said.
 

[Hayden: Almost as nonsensical as your fake identity.]

 

"a twist," JCM said, finishing 70s' sentence.

[JCM: I made that joke already! Screw you, me!]
[OMJ: Saved yourself the trouble, huh Jjs.]

[Metal Snake: What JCM said. You were beaten to the punch. Get original or get out.]

The audience was just as shocked and confused.

[OMJ: Come on, it's SOF. If you all try to put anymore thought into it, you'll give yourselves a stroke and the body count for this damn tournament will skyrocket. Even more.]
[Hayden: Wait, the audience notices things all of a sudden?]

 

"Well...isn't that kind of cheating, or is SOF just really bored?" Wumbo asked.

[OMJ: There's 104 days of summer vacation, he was just finding a good way to spend it.]
[JCM: I'll go with none of the above.]

[Metal Snake: Those wouldn't be my only guesses, I'll tell you that much.]

 

"Maybe a little bit of both," Steel said.

[JCM: IT'S NONE OF THE ABOVE]
[Hayden: SOF needs the prize to fund his college courses as an English major.]

 

"What the fu-" Ex said.

Ex was then cut off when SOF blasted another ring of fire at him.

 

[Trophy: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC...AL FIRE RINGS OF DEATH AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO OMJ SERIOUSLY.]
[JCM: Didn't your mother tell you not to play with fire?]

[Metal Snake: No, just not to play with matches.]
[Hayden: Well, that was just a dirty tactic to do to your own site Kan. Then again, SBC never does anything for you besides name spin-off festivals after you.]

 

"as a little joke, JC and I set up a scheme to pretend to be an ultimate mystery racer," SOF said.

 

[Hayden: Wait a second, April Fools month is over!]

[OMJ: I see that went about as well as another joke of yours, SECC.]
[Trophy: ...So that gives SBC a freebie?]

 

"Isn't that kinda cheating?" Ex asked.

"well, we weren't planning to actually win, i gonna reveal it sooner or later, silly ex!" SOF said as he rammed him.

 

[Trophy: And by freebie, I mean a freebie to whatever land of the dead is in this lit?]
[JCM: They were just going to get a ton of people eliminated just to be douchebags.]
[OMJ: SOF: wasting everybody's time since 2011!]

[Metal Snake: But...if you lose, that's giving Ex a free win, thus you're still cheating. >_>]
[Hayden: Plus, if he's not actually trying to win, why does he keep shooting fire rings and bumping into Ex?]

 

"Well, I'm still gonna win! You won't cruse me!"

[OMJ: WTF does that even mean anyway?!]

[Metal Snake: Sense. This doesn't make any.]

[Hayden: Crusing for a bruising?]

 

Ex said as he rammed him again. They were approaching the finish line.

"nice try badassex!" SOF said, as he dodged his attack.

[OMJ: And every other tomato flung at him for that line, I presume. Cuz if not, I have some freshly picked from the manure fields at the ready. Trust!]
[JCM: I don't know whether I hate that or SexKizuna more.]

[Metal Snake: "Well screw you, awfuloralsex!"]
[Hayden: Wasn't 70s the one enamored with prostate sex?]

 

Ex then fired a large laser blast at SOF, which made him tumble to the ground. SOF wouldn't lose though.
 

[Hayden: SOF apparently does not understand the concept of throwing a competition very well. Something his rival JCM has mastered in Jeopardy.]

 

"sorry exy, but you may not win this one!" SOF said as he blasted another ring of fire, but the balls missed.

[OMJ: Jeez SOF, you can't even aim your balls right.]

[Metal Snake: "Good thing I have a spare cock!" *pulls out a fiery chicken*]

Ex then shot a blast at him, making him get covered in sand, and it blocked his view.

[JCM: Ex uses sand! It's super effective!]
[OMJ: No wonder why we've lost twice, we're shooting nothing but sand!]

"Take that, OddJob!" Ex yelled, as he flew ahead.
 

[Hayden: Take that sand RIGHT IN THE VAGINA KAN.]

 

"Heh, nice use of my nickname," OMJ said.

[OMJ: What other uses for it are there, you pompous asswipe?]

[Metal Snake: "Yeah, you owned him! He really is a piece of work! Huh? Huh?"]

"NC: NOOOOOO!" SOF yelled, as he fell behind.

[OMJ:  ]
[JCM: In see noooo.]

[Metal Snake: "I was blinded today!"]

[Hayden: Someone sure is passionate about a harmless little joke.]

 

"And SBC wins!" JeremyCreek yelled.

[OMJ: Gee, we should shoot sand more often.]

[Hayden: Wow, beating the hyped up undefeated team. CRAZY NEW STUFF HAPPENING HERE. Then again, maybe an underdog story has less impact when your opponent is OddJob.]

 

"god game Ex!" SOF said as he shook hands with him at the stadium.

[OMJ: And that's saying a lot coming from dog.]
[JCM: I still don't forgive him for barking at me.]

[Hayden: Ex has now joined the ranks of gods.]

[Metal Snake: FORESHADOWING.]

 

"So, did you really win the other games or not?" Ex asked, confused.

"Only one against Rift, I did it just to scare you ;P" SOF said.

 

[Hayden: Ex certainly seemed like a frightened little kitten out there. Sucks to be team Rift though.]

[Trophy: ...That's unfair on so many levels, I'm expecting lawsuits.]
[OMJ: Well, that suggestive tongue wink from you certainly leaves me mortified.]

"it was for the lulz, and to spice up the competition.

[JCM: Unethical behavior is fine if it's in the name of lulz.]
[OMJ: Because people on the internet with no lives, robots, mythical creatures, and aliens didn't have quite enough zing on their own, SOF had to insert his own brand of mindfuck into the tournament.]

[Hayden: The ominous dark and evil team and the site rivalry weren't compelling enough arcs on their own......actually yeah, thanks Kan, you've done us a great service today.  ]

 

don't worry, I am done with the cherade (sp?) now"

[OMJ: sp indeed.]

[Hayden: I am done with this Cherubi. *throws at Kan*

]

[Metal Snake: "I cheated in my own tournament for the lulz and because it would somehow make the competitors stronger!"

 

I...just...don't get this.]

"Well, I would've never guessed, both of you did good nonetheless," 70s said.

"always continue on!" SOF yelled, getting back to his hosting duties.

[JCM: The hosting duties you should have been doing this entire time.]
[OMJ: Just like that? No penalties whatsoever. Some people have died and have gotten fatally injured and he's here pulling legs at the expense of the ones putting their lives on the line for this damn tournament?!]

[Hayden: OMJ, calm down, it's okay as long as you take his advice and always continue on! Well, that might be a little harder for Rift now, but screw it.]

 

"That boy, I say, that boy is an enigma," Elastic said.

[OMJ: Yeah, he's just one big glass of spilled milk.]
[JCM: And Elastic is apparently Foghorn Leghorn.]

[Hayden:  ]

[Metal Snake: "You should watch his secret TV channel some time. There really is more on it besides Gravity Falls."]

"Good ole OddJob," OMJ said.

[OMJ: DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!]

[Hayden: OMJ could use a handjob.]

 

Meanwhile...

[OMJ: JCM called it.]
[JCM: I can now die happy.]

[Metal Snake: Thousands of miles away.]

"The end of the semi-finals is coming..." The Dark One Ruler said.

[OMJ: How many rulers are there? Is there some sorta end of school sale going on?]

"Yes my lord, I will not fail." Dradius said.

[OMJ: That's what you said the last time you failed.]

"But watch out for the Grand Ruler...he might be onto us..considering the incident from the other day.." The Ruler said again.

[JCM: I don't think the Grand Ruler even cares about cheating anymore, hence these last three episodes.]
[OMJ: It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out your personalities, ACS. Unless you're Acidic.]

[Metal Snake: I guess that's...one way to look at it.]
[Hayden: Simply put, this race has too many incidents for the Grand Ruler to keep up with if he isn't even able to keep track of one of his assigned hosts being a racer.]

 

"I think that fellow was just lost, but now that you mention it, he may have been a spy!"

[OMJ: People do tend to get lost in dark places. Case and point, SBM.]

Dradius said. "Still...I obey, master."

"Good, now win the rest for us.." The Ruler said, and he disappeared.

[JCM: Happy Festivus!]
[Bear in the Big Blue House: Goodbye now!]

[Metal Snake: Yeah, I feel SOF asked Jjs to give his character more spotlight. It would explain a lot.]

[Trophy: Again, Rift, lawsuits, expecting, next, time.]

[Hayden: I hope SOF convinced Jjs to make him the identity of the Grand Ruler, the Dark One Ruler, and Ex's next secret lover. ALL IN THE NAME OF THE LULZ.]

Edited May 5, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

 

37. Resistant Like Rift

 

Spoiler

37. Resistant Like Rift

 

"We have one more opponent left to face, do good Ex!" Clappy said.

 

[Clappy: Don't you mean, "do well"? Your grammar sucks Clappy.]

[Metal Snake: Also, stay in school, don’t do drugs, and eat your vegetables! Yay, obvious advice!]

[JCM: Who is "do good Ex"? Is he related to Dudley Do-Right?]

 

"Yeah, Rift, I think it is?" Ex replied.

 

[Clappy: His name just riffs itself.]

 

"I don't know much about him, but good luck nonetheless," 70s replied.

 

"Be careful, he could be tough," teenj warned.

 

[Trophy: Just like Garg, KICK HIS HELMET OFF!]

[JCM: And remember to use protection!]

[Metal Snake: No one said taking on the Void would be easy. Then again, Dradius defeated him in the span of a sentence, so I wouldn’t be too worried.]

[Clappy: Wow, thanks teenj. I haven't heard such compelling words of encouragement from you since your series of "okay's", "me too's" and "yeah's" in ATTWL 3.]

 

We then cut to the stadium, and the Grand Ruler appeared.

 

"Proud pilots.....there are four of you remaining, the Wargers have quit due to Zelx being injured, and the Mystery Racer withdrew for obvious reasons.

 

[Trophy: *Warger.]

[Clappy: And by obvious you mean for cheap copout?]

 

Here are your current scores:

 

Darkness: 5

SBM: 4

SBC: 2

Rift: 2

 

[Trophy: Wow, the bottom two teams coincidentally facing each other last, how interesting and totally non-cliched.]

[JCM: Looks like we pass with a D. Good enough.]

 

Good luck! The final three with the highest scores will advance!" Grand Ruler said, as he disappeared.

 

"GO SBC!" The SBCers and opposite bots yelled.

 

[Clappy: Hooray for unison chantings! We coordinated that so well!]

[Trophy: Why the hell isn't there an opposite team?]

[Metal Snake: “You’re tied for last place, you can do it!”]

 

"SBM!" Others cheered.

 

[Metal Snake: “Others” is one person.]

[Clappy: Others for Best SBM member.]

[JCM: We're apparently crossing over with Lost now.]

[Trophy: RIFT! *gets thrown out* BUT I'M WITH YOU, OTHERS!]

 

"Next up folks, is Rizzles

 

[Trophy: Stop using the eBonics translator please.]

 

VS. SBC!" SOF yelled, pulling the names. "We also have a special match: Triangle Grab!"

 

[Clappy: You know, a match loses the appeal of being "special" when you keep rehashing the same challenge over and over again.]

 

"Triangles again? Ugh, last time we had that, Dradius screwed Ex over," teenj said.

 

[Trophy: Spin me right around right around, right around baby!]

[Metal Snake: Wow, even teenj’s not excited for this….]

 

"Ex can do it, he's improved," Clappy said.

 

[Trophy: In what, juggling golf balls?]

[Clappy: And you're still vague moral support Clappy. Shut your pie hole.]

 

Ex got into the Pulp Rider, and Rift came out. He had a floating spacial blue craft ship, and he looked like a crab,

 

[JCM: Mr. Krabs? Is that you?]

[Clappy: You mean Riff is a space crab....I'm sorry, that sounds ridiculous.]

 

with tons of weird symbols,

 

[Trophy: ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED!]

 

but he was standing up.

 

"Hello human, prepare to lose!" Rift said, with a ghostly voice.

 

[Clappy: A GHOST SPACE CRAB!?!?]

[Metal Snake: I’m shocked he didn’t taunt him as “Mr. Krabs’ homosexual cousin”.]

[Trophy: Ghastly? 

]

 

"Bring it on!" Ex said, revving up the

 

[JCM: fryers]

 

engine.

 

"GO!" SOF yelled, the gates open. They were out on the water path again.

 

[Clappy: Yay, redundancy....I think next episode I riff, I need to start a redundancy counter because plots, scenarios, character traits...WAY TOO MUCH REPETITION.]

 

Ex fired lasers at Rift, as he grabbed a triangle.

 

[Clappy: He grabbed....a shape...hooray geometry?]

 

"Not bad, but can your brain match the powers of this?" Rift asked.

 

His ship sped up, and he made six glowing balls float around his ship.

 

[Metal Snake: What kind of brain teaser is this? And the balls are back, sweet.]

[JCM: One more Dragon Ball and he'll be able to make a wish.]

 

Ex tried to fire, but they deflected his blasts.

 

We then see Flareix behind a pillar.

 

"I'm ready when you are," Flareix said, communicating to Dradius.

 

"Stop the both of them from winning, use your new invisible power." Dradius said.

 

[Trophy: His new what?]

[JCM: That's one heck of a birthday present.]

[Clappy: Got to love pulling convenient new powers out of your ass.]

 

"Yes, I will burn them down to the ground!" Flareix said, as he turned invisible. He flew out at them.

 

[Metal Snake: “I am Chameleon Man!”]

[Trophy: Fire now translates to invisibility how, redirecting light in Ex's eyes?]

 

Rift was attacking Ex, and fighting back.

 

"You are strong with the force!" Rift said, surprised.

 

[Clappy: The Riff is strong with this one.]

 

"Star Wars now, eh?" Ex said, as he grabbed a triangle.

 

[JCM: The Farce Awakens.]

[Clappy: Revenge of the Riff.]

[Metal Snake: So we’re bringing Star Wars into a shape game. Oh boy…]

 

Rift had two, and Ex had two.

 

Flareix blasted fire balls at the two.

 

[Clappy: Has he always had fire powers, too? Jesus, why not give him the ability to know every cliche magical power while you're at it.]

[Two Counter: *moves from TWO, TO three* Oh fuck.]

 

"Fire now, I see. Not too bad," Rift said, as he threw the glowing orbs at Ex.

 

[JCM: What a waste of Dragon Balls.]

 

"Uh...I appreciate your compliment, but that wasn't me.." Ex said, as he stopped.

 

[Metal Snake: “That was the red hot chili peppers I had for lunch."]

 

"Hmm...it seems to be coming from an unknown source. Their stealth is interesting.." Rift said.

 

[Clappy: I don't know what it is about this line, but it makes me laugh.]

 

"This isn't the time for complimenting!" Ex yelled, as they both dodged a blast.

 

[JCM: Someone's bossy.]

 

Just then, they both felt heavy steam.

 

[Clappy: You can't feel steam. You can feel getting hot, but it's impossible to "feel steam".]

[Metal Snake: “It feels like a sauna in here…”

Okay, no more Ed, Edd, n Eddy quotes…]

 

Flareix was drying up the lake, and he laughed.

 

[JCM: Come on! There's little enough water in California already!]

[Clappy: That bastard...how can our ghost space crabs survive without water?]

 

"What the heck is going on with them?" teenj asked.

 

"I don't know...it's like they are being attacked.." Wumbo said.

 

[Clappy: Nah Wumbo. They are playing dehydrate the lake for symbolic purposes.]

 

"Who is there?!" Rift said, as he blasted balls everywhere.

 

[JCM: I didn't hear a "knock knock".]

[Metal Snake: “Don’t mean to bust your balls, HUH HUH.”]

 

One of the fire balls hit the Pulp Rider's wing.

 

[Clappy: Wait. I'm just catching this. PULP Rider? Does he ride fruit?]

 

"Okay, who is sabotaging the game!?" Ex yelled.

 

[JCM: Lizard Squad strikes again!]

 

"I don't know, but this is not funny, invisible foe! We are in a serious match!" Rift said.

 

[Trophy: YEAH, JUST LIKE YU-GI-OH, BUT INSTEAD OF A CHILDREN'S CARD GAME IT'S A CRAPPILY WRITTEN BY A I DON'T FREAKIN KNOW HOW YOUNG OLD STORY BASED ON A SPONGEBOB WEBSITE FOR A RACE/FIGHT/THEAUTHORCOULDN'TFUCKINGDECIDE ALL FOR SOME ULTIMATE POWER WITH TRAGIC BACKSTORIES OF OTHERS WHO CLEARLY DESERVE THE PRIZE MORE THAN EX- Wait, why the fuck am I summarizing the season?]

[Clappy: WWWAAAAHHH! Invisible Foe won't leave me alone.]

 

"Nice try, but you cannot see me!" Flareix said, as he flew behind the Pulp Rider. He lit a fire to the fuel tank.

 

[Metal Snake: The fuel tank that just appeared?]

 

"What's that gassy smell?" Rift asked.

 

[Metal Snake: Too easy. Pass.]

[JCM: Those red hot chili peppers did quite a number on Ex.]

[Clappy: Riff let one riff.]

 

Just then, the Pulp Rider exploded into flames, and the fire got onto Rift, and it made his ship collapse as well!

 

[Metal Snake: Yeah, I saw that coming. More Michael Bay…]

[Clappy: Wow...that sequence was way too convenient and over the top that Michael Bay was behind it.]

 

"EX! D:" Elastic yelled.

"Christ, another one?" Wumbo asked.

 

[JCM: What is Christ, another one?]

 

"Seriously, what is with all these strange happenings?

 

[Trophy: SOF, stop it.]

 

Maybe Ex was onto something with that Dradius fellow.." SpongeSebastian said, as he began pondering.

 

[Trophy: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!]

[Clappy: Because Ex is God.]

[Metal Snake: You think? Do you just want something to do in this lit?]

 

The Pulp Rider then smashed into the lake, Ex got out, but was hurt. Flareix laughed again, and he made the water smash down on the dry spots, and it pretty much destroyed the Pulp Rider.

 

[Clappy: I can't even...what the fuck is going on here...take it away Metal Snake, because I can't.]

[Metal Snake: Holy lulz. First of all, he dried up the lake. I don’t think you can destroy a ship with water that’s evaporated into steam. Second, “pretty much”. I need no comment. It pretty much shows perfectly how lulzy this description is.]

 

Rift was running through the water, and picked up Ex.

 

[JCM: I now pronounce you man and wife.]

 

The flames burned out due to the water.

 

[Clappy: Hooray logic!]

 

"It looks like neither team has won due to strange circumstances," JeremyCreek announced, and the audience was confused.

 

[Clappy: Preach.]

[JCM: "The audience was confused" describes SBCPU perfectly.]

 

"Even though we have both lost, I shall never abandon my enemy," Rift said, as he carried Ex off.

 

[Trophy: Wait, shouldn't the saying be always help an enemy if sabotaged, and only if it's like friendly races like this?]

[Metal Snake: “I can desert my friends, sure. But I will never desert my enemy!”]

[Clappy: Riff...your logic makes no sense.]

 

Back in the hospital, we see Ex on the bed.

 

"Ugh....what happened.." Ex said, waking up.

 

[JCM: You slipped on an ice cube and got covered in boo boos.]

 

"Your ships got into a heavy fight, someone was attacking you behind the scenes," Steel said.

 

[Metal Snake: They got into a fight? What, were the ships arguing behind the scenes too?]

[Clappy: Someone. That naughty minx. She's been the villain this whole time.]

 

"Rift carried you here."

 

[JCM: Like the loving husband he is.]

 

"Well...I'll be sure to thank him whenever I see the dude," Ex said, coughing.

 

[Clappy: Like the noble loser Ex is.]

 

"So...did we lose?" OMJ asked.

 

[Clappy: Well, we still got a ways to go in this season, so we all lost.]

[Metal Snake: You both lost. It’s a tie.]

 

"I don't know, I hope we get a re-match," 70s said, upset.

 

"Whoever did this won't get away with it!" Tvguy said, irritated.

 

[JCM: They already did.]

[Metal Snake: Oh look, tvguy re-appeared out of nowhere.]

 

OMJ was about to say something, but didn't.

 

[Clappy: Smart decision with all the bad dialogue we've read....and this comment is going to be deemed entirely worthless in 3....2....]

 

"I think I have a good idea who it was.." OMJ said to himself, remembering his encounter with Dradius.

 

[Clappy: Well, that makes me 0-38 in terms of being right. The streak remains intact.]

[Metal Snake: Wha-I thought he was going to hold his tongue…]

 

We then see SOF talking with JeremyCreek.

 

"SOF, I don't think I can continue doing this...there's too many people getting hurt..." JeremyCreek said.

 

[Metal Snake: “I DON’T WANT TO WORK HERE ANYMORE!”]

[JCM: Did you not expect people to get hurt in a racing tournament where the drivers have military-grade weaponry at their disposal?]

 

"no, plz stay, we will get to the bottom of it," SOF said.

 

[SOF: After this brb.]

 

"Okay fine, but there's something not right...I think someone has been sabotaging the games lately.." JC said.

 

"let's investigate, detective!" SOF said, grabbing a Phineas & Ferb styled detective suit.

 

[Trophy: Oh god, ATTWL 3 memories.]

[Metal Snake: AKA a common trenchcoat.]

[JCM: But it's a cool trenchcoat.]

[Clappy: OH NO....MORE BAD ATTWL3 FLASHBACKS....sorry guys, but that lit has scarred me for life.]

 

They went out to the river track where Ex and Rift raced.

 

"There's SBC's ship," JeremyCreek said to the mechanics. They grabbed a helicopter, and managed to pick it up with a crane, and off to SBC's hanger.

 

[Clappy: Oh, and now they have helicopters too...Christ, how many more conveniences? I can't take it.]

[Metal Snake: Yeah...this description speaks for itself.]

 

SOF grabbed a flashlight,

 

[JCM: And a flesh-light.]

 

and looked into the water.

 

"Hmm....i don't see anything?" SOF said.

 

We see Flareix taking off the invisibility power, and he flew away.

 

[Trophy: So it's like an invisibility cloak from Harry Potter?]

[JCM: Hey! Dradius spent a lot on that birthday present! Ungrateful brat...]

[Metal Snake: Lol. He took off the power. You mean “turned visible again”?]

[Clappy: And while we're at it, he can fly too? Christ on a cracker....]

 

"What was that?" JeremyCreek said.

 

"What?" SOF said.

 

"Never mind, I guess it was just a bird.." JeremyCreek said.

 

[Clappy: With god powers.]

[JCM: A phoenix-like bird that throws fireballs. Nothing out of the ordinary.]

[Metal Snake: Jeremy doesn’t like planes or Superman.  ]

 

"Mission complete.." Flareix said to Dradius.

 

"Good....and now, I will win the grand prize." Dradius laughed.

 

[Metal Snake: “A free trip to Miami!”]

[JCM: With a stop at Disney World, I hope.]

[Clappy: So...much...stupid....]

[Trophy: Alright, I'm going to the bar, since I'm going with what OMJ said with the age being 11 and stuff. *goes to opposite bar*]

Edited December 30, 2016 by jjsthekid

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2
 
38. Between Pilots (Part 1)

Spoiler

Yeah yeah, I know, it's late. Just enjoy the episode, okay? 
 
[Jjs: What if I don't enjoy it, past me? How rude.]
[OMJ: Just shut up and take my time!]
[JCM: Don't tell me what to do! I'll hate this episode if I want to, and I'll like it! I'll like hating it, I mean. Not the episode itself.]
[Hayden: Somebody woke up on the parallel side of the bed.]
 
38. Between Pilots (Part 1)
 
[Jjs: Oh great, a two-parter. Because the episodes themselves just have so much to work with, let's make one two parts to spice up the drama!]
[OMJ: This is it, gentlemen. The moment we've all been clawing for, the first sexual encounter between Ex and Mothra.]
[Hayden: Finally, a title that acknowledges how Jjs was between two completely different premises for this show.]
 
"Shit...looks like we're out of the game. =/" Ex said.
 
[JCM: Yeah. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯]
[OMJ: We have about 10-15 more episodes to go, I wouldn't worry about that.]
[Hayden: The worst part of you being "out of the game" is that you'll have to root for SBM to win. Either way, we're pretty shot in the ruler department.]
 
"Well, this sucks," Steel said.
 
[Jjs: Thanks Steel, you always know how to brighten the mood.]
[Steel: I should know, I'm an expert!]
 
"For what it is worth, you did good Ex," SpongeSebastian said.
 
[JCM: He slept with good Ex? Oh, my!]
[Jjs: Seb is getting an awful lot of dialogue, I'm starting to wonder if OMJ was onto something here...]
[OMJ: He's said more in this lit than during his entire mod-ship.]
[Hayden: I think he'd be happier with a hundred dollar bill, Seb.]
 
"yeah, at least we got to the semi-finals," JCM said.
 
[Jjs: Yes. Yes you did.]
[OMJ: JCM, of all people at the time, being optimistic. Simply wonderful.]
[JCM: No, that was just more of my patented sarcasm.]
 
"Thanks guys," Ex said.
 
[JCM: You're welcome. That'll be $25.]
[Hayden: Ex really wishes Seb gave him that moolah now.]
 
"Guys guys, relax. We're not out yet," 70s said.
 
[70s: We're not out til I say we're out.]
 
"Oh?" Ex asked,
 
[Jjs: That's not a question?]
[Hayden: Ah? Hayden asked, while looking forlorn at Jjs.]
 
and the others were also interested.
 
[OMJ: I'd be surprised if they weren't.]
[JCM: I almost forgot we were crossing over with Lost.]
 
"Yes, it seems like there will be one more match to balance the scores," 70s said, reading a notice. "But...if we will go remains to be seen."
 
[Jjs: So in other words, an ass pull to have Team SBC make it to the finals. Because y'know, this season still has a whole half left. If you're going to try to "surprise" the viewers, at least try.]
[OMJ: How would you not go? You're the only ones who are actually tied with somebody. Just pull another ship out your ass or build another haphazard ship in two hours.]
[Hayden: Where'd this notice originate from? For all we know, it could be as dangerous to your chances as this notice.
 ]
 
"I'll be ready," Ex said.
 
[JCM: And I'll be Freddy.]
[OMJ: Hell, if I can heal critical injuries as fast as we can build a ship, I'd say you'd be good to go in five minutes.]
 
"If you need to practice Ex, go ahead," Clappy said.
 
[Jjs: But he knows what he's doing from "watching animes"! That's enough skill if you ask me.]
[OMJ: Just replace the bastard, why won't ya.]
[Hayden: Just do a practice montage, Ex. It will be over in 5 minutes and you can pretend something about your ability to get races rigged for you has changed.]
 
"Are you sure you are okay? I can always get a sub-" 70s said as he was cut off.
 
[Jjs: Now I'm really interested in hearing what he was going to say. A substitute? A sub sandwich? A submarine? So many possibilities, yet no time for answers.]
[JCM: He was going to say a substitute eating a sub sandwich in a submarine, obvi.]
 
"I'll be alright," Ex said.
 
"Proud pilots, due to an uneven final result in the scores, we will have ONE more deciding match to see who goes to the finals," the Grand Ruler yelled. "We will just randomly select, so our four teams, please be prepared!"
 
[Jjs: Why don't they just reface Rift? I mean, they let Ex reface Garg, what's stopping them from facing Rift again?]
[OMJ: And if it (for unpredictability sake) just so happens to be SBM and Darkness, how would that even things?]
 
SOF pulled two names out of a hat.
 
[Jjs: inb4 SBM and SBC]
[JCM: inb4 regular time and phineas falls]
 
"SBC VS. Darkness!" SOF yelled.
 
[JCM: I was close.]
[Jjs: Oh, so basically I avoided a match with someone that would make more sense to rematch our villains for the midseason finale. Eh, why not.]
[OMJ: Well, it was nice not knowin ya, Rift!]
[Hayden: Oh right, this also completely nullifies any chance Rift has to fight for his own spot in the game. Another reason why this literally might be the dumbest S2 ass pull thus far. The rules are either ignored or unfair. I swear, the Grand Ruler is just allowing SOF to think of everything while he watches porn.]
 
"A rematch, eh? Kick his ass Ex!" OMJ said.
 
[OMJ: Oh just shut up, Mr. "I Have Very Important Intel on these Assholes but I'll Just be a Pussy and Keep it to Myself".]
[Hayden: "Do what I couldn't!"]
 
"This should be interesting.." Phalos said.
 
[OMJ: About as "interesting" as their last race, I hope.]
[JCM: Haven't heard from Phallus in a while.]
[Hayden: It might be if we don't get the thousandth race in a row of evil hi-jinx.]
 
"Don't worry...I have a few tricks prepared for them.." Dradius laughed, breathing dark fire.
 
[Hayden: Wouldn't want to make that guy laugh at parties.]
[OMJ: In other words, more dark fire.]
 
Dradius and Ex were both ready.
 
[Hayden: I hope SBC paid their mechanic generously.]
[Jjs: Their bodies are ready.]
[JCM: Dradiex. OTP.]
 
"Ex, don't let us down!" 70s said, worried.
 
[70s: If you do, it'll give me more incentive to leave and come back for a hot minute.  ]
[Hayden: 70s is just being a good friend and warning Ex to not go down the same path he would eventually find himself in. That or he actually thought that line and the way he said it was encouraging.]
 
"this booty fool better get his karma," Drag said.
 
[Jjs: Ohai Dragiiin.]
[OMJ: There's no reason to bring Cha into this, she's barely even joined yet.]
[Hayden: Dradius has everyone's panties in a twist, but I don't think he's been enamored by any Wumbooty.]
 
"BEGIN!" SOF yelled, ringing the gong. The two were off onto the river track.
 
[JCM: And through the woods, to grandmother's house we go.]
[Jjs: AGAIN? Jeez, did I have a ridiculously low budget and could only afford that track in my thought process?]
[OMJ: I think that goes to tell us just how successful season one really was.]
[Hayden: I wouldn't just ring that gong up on the phone.
 ]
 
Dradius clashed with Ex. Ex managed to note a few of his tactics from the previous match, and he braced himself if Dradius decided to chop the Pulp Rider in half again.
 
"Don't want a repeat of what happened last time," Ex said, gaining speed ahead the water track.
 
[OMJ: Be careful tho, he can still tear into you like Calvin on Sara.]
[Jjs: Really now? I thought you'd want him to cut through the ship again and lose your only chance of getting to the finals. Thanks for clarifying.]
[JCM: The sequels are never as good, though.]
[Hayden: Ironic, since I feel like I'm watching an SBCPU repeat thus far.]
 
"Fool, I have more tricks up my sleeve than you can imagine!" Dradius laughed, blowing about five balls of fire at Ex.
 
[Jjs: GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!]
[OMJ: I really hope somebody picks up that phone, cuz I fuckin called it.  ]
[Hayden: What next? He'll reveal that, as a dragon, he can fly at an even higher altitude than he is currently?!]
 
"Hot damn, those are spicy balls!" Ex said, avoiding them.
 
[Ex: I should know, I'm an expert!]
[Hayden: Another line that just riffs itself.]
 
"But now..watch this!" Dradius laughed.
 
[JCM: Not until you fix that ellipsis.]
 
Just then, the field was covered in dark smog.
 
[Jjs: Dradius had to let some gas out, it seems...]
[OMJ: So like SBC whenever ACS tries to be intimidating? Or like SBM all the fucking time?]
[Hayden:  ]
 
"What the fuck is going on!?" Ex yelled, coughing. He couldn't see a thing.
 
[JCM: It's the best rave party ever.]
[Hayden: A Koffing obviously entered the race.
 ]
 
"Welcome...to your DOOM!" Dradius laughed.
 
[Jjs: A dragon fart is pretty deadly.]
[OMJ: It wiped out all The Wargers, don'tcha know.]
 
"Well folks, call me crazy, but the two pilots seemed to have *disappeared*!" SOF yelled, confused.
 
[Jjs: Nah, that's crazy talk!]
[OMJ: Yeah, you're just crazy.]
[JCM: But here's my number, so call me maybe.]
[Hayden: Dradius had his first solid magic trick, now if he could only do that to himself permanently.]
 
The crowd was all confused, looking at the screen.
 
[Jjs: Oh, so these races are being broadcasted. Still raises the question of why nobody heard a damn thing Dradius said to Ex in 33, though. PLOT HOLE POLICE!]
[OMJ: Everyone's about as confused as Calvin Reynolds right now.]
 
"Oh boy...I hope Ex is alright," Clappy said, worried.
 
"Come on Ex, get out of there!" Jelly yelled.
 
[JCM: What if he likes it?]
[Jjs: Ohai Jelly.]
[OMJ: It's about time your slow internet got you here.]
 
Ex and Dradius were both flying around in the middle of nowhere, dark clouds.
 
[OMJ: So they're flying around in the middle of dark clouds.]
[Hayden: Oh, so the middle of nowhere is just a town in the state of dark clouds. That sheds some light on Courage for me.]
 
"Alright, can you please explain to me what this is all about?" Ex asked.
 
[JCM: I have the same question about this entire season's plot-line.]
 
"This is just the beginning..." Dradius laughed.
 
[Hayden: Actually, it's the midpoint.]
 
Just then, a familiar ship appeared in the dark field.
 
"Who is this?" Ex asked.
 
[JCM: Nobody waits for the "knock knock" anymore.]
[Hayden: It said familiar ship Ex, not unfamiliar.]
 
We see Mothra get out of the ship.
 
[Jjs: Great, as OMJ would say, more fuck for this cluster. So we manage to force the SBM drama into the midseason finale after all!]
[OMJ: It just ain't a threesome without SBM providing the pussy. Might as well bring OMJ into this too while you're on such a hot streak.]
 
"Alright, where the hell am I? I was just training, and I got sucked into this dark cloud.." Mothra said. "Oh boy, SBC.."
 
[Hayden: She looks happy to see us.]
[OMJ: Don't worry, ACS always tries to suck everyone into his crazy threats.]
[JCM: Not even Mothra can resist a good rave party.]
 
Mothra fired lasers at Ex and Dradius.
 
[Jjs: It's nice to see you again too, Mothra.]
[OMJ: This cat's got claws. Or this moth has...wings.]
[Hayden: Mothra, now is not the time for the sexual role play games you play with Ex.]
 
Dradius paused, and landed in front of her.
 
[OMJ: How would he land in front of her? Last I checked, they were still flying in the middle of dark clouds.]
[Hayden: Contradiction, one cannot pause and land somewhere else at the same time.]
 
"Ugh, what do YOU want?" Mothra asked.
 
[JCM: Let me guess! An end to world hunger!]
[Jjs: Yeah, get out of here, dragon face!]
[Hayden: It's almost like he wants to have a word with you for blasting lasers at him in the middle of a race. Then again, that's basically Dradius hypocrisy.]
 
"Oh my lady...no need for panic. Just friendly advice, you want to know who sabotaged your game against SBC, right?" Dradius said.
 
"Sure, I guess.." Mothra said.
 
[Jjs: Wait, I thought she thought Ex intentionally fired it. Where did she get the idea that someone sabotaged it? And in that case, as Teenj put it: Mothra is one goddamn bitch.]
[OMJ: She should've known it was the old riffing theater, out to strike back for her getting anal about them around this time.]
 
"I want to know too.." Ex said, curious.
 
[JCM: Bi-curious, maybe?]
 
"Well...the truth will shock you!" Dradius said.
 
[OMJ:  ]
[Hayden: I'm sure this will be my face.

 ]
 
"Wait...why did you bring us here anyways?" Mothra asked.
 
[JCM: To shock you with the truth.]
 
"You'll see.." Dradius laughed.
 
[OMJ: So Dradius planned this whole meeting between them all along? He counted on being randomly matched up against SBC? Now that's putting all your eggs in one basket.]
[Hayden: When did it say Dradius was leading them somewhere?]
 
He then made a portal appear, which showed the events of the SBM VS. SBC match.
 
[Jjs: How the hell did Dradius even see this? Follow-up question, why does he care?]
[OMJ: The ratings, Jjs. THE RATINGS! And ACS probs just recorded it like every other xat happening.]
[JCM: Does Dradius really need a portal to show them what happened? Once again, there's this newfangled device called a cell phone.]
 
It showed a scene of Tvguy using his device to hack the Pulp Rider. He had put a device in that would fire a laser at Mothra's ship.
 
[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]
[Jjs: Seriously, is this entire two-parter's purpose just to show us who sabotaged the match? I dunno about you guys, but I'm personally glad. I never would've expected Tvguy to be the one behind it! This is about as exciting and unpredictable as an episode of Scooby-Doo!]
[Tvguy: And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that fat kid and his meddling personalities!]
 
"Those idiots at SBM can suck mah ass!" Tvguy yelled, laughing.
 
[Hayden: Yet some say his ass was only sucked by himself that day.]
[JCM: I feel like that'd be uncomfortable for both parties.]
[Jjs: Tvguy apparently took acting lessons from Eric Cartman.]
[OMJ: At least he's honest about it. Now.]
 
The vision ended.
 
[Hayden: So they're all blind?]
 
"So...Tvguy was responsible. I'm pissed...but I guess I should have expected that from him.." Mothra said.
 
[Jjs: I dunno, I personally would've suspected Seb or Steel.]
[Mothra: Well, I'm done being pissed now. Time to get back to work on Palais Dolly.]
[JCM: Mothra puts the "ass" in passive aggressive. Good for her.]
 
"Wait...how do we know this is real?" Ex asked.
 
[OMJ: Yeah! Even I could see that mask trying to conceal his- oh wait, tvguy always puts on a mask.]
 
"Believe what you may my dear Ex, but this is about as real as this game," Dradius said.
 
[JCM: So it's fake.]
[Jjs: "My dear Ex"... Dradiex confirmed?]
[OMJ: So in other words, everything has been a waste of our valuable time. It's a good thing I already gave it all at the beginning.]
 
"You could have made it up with your dark power stuff!" Ex said.
 
[Jjs: Yeah, "dark power stuff" is pretty powerful stuff.]
[OMJ: Why are you even trying to come up with excuses for something that everyone saw coming a lightyear away.]
 
"If it was fake, why would I have this camera?"
 
[JCM: Because you're a hobbyist photographer?]
[Hayden: How can a dragon carry a camera around without any pockets? MORE DARK POWERS.]
[Jjs: Wait... so a mythical dragon can already make portals showing any events in time AND summon dark clouds that pull people in from different locations, yet...
 
He needs a camera?
 
????????]
[OMJ: ACS CONFIRMED! ACS CONFIRMED!]

 

Dradius said, throwing it to the ground, revealing he caught the footage of it using the device.
 
[Hayden: If he threw it to the ground and he's a tall big dragon, then that camera's broken now.]
 
Ex then gasped.
 
[JCM: Unlike magic portals, it's impossible to fake camera footage!]
[Jjs: I'd gasp too, at the fact a dragon knows how to use a camera.]
 
"Well you know what, Tvguy can go find someone else to be his GFX slave, he can fuck off," Mothra said, irritated. "I'll still co-exists
 
[JCM: Ugh]
 
with you Exxy! Sorry for judging you."
 
[Jjs: So are you friends now or what?]
[OMJ: Are you going to fuck now or what?]
[Hayden: Is Mothra going to be given a cute pet name now or what?]
 
Just then, Dradius threw some smoke at Ex.
 
[Jjs: Someone must have thrown some "smoke" at me if I thought what's about to happen was a good idea at all. Or anything in this season, really.]
[OMJ: A few hundred more of them second hand smokes and you just might give Ex lung cancer, if that's what you're aiming for.]
[Hayden: I guess if riffers can throw shade, dragons can throw smoke.]
 
"What's going on now?" Mothra asked, coughing.
 
[Jjs: Wait... who did he throw it at then? Or did Mothra smell Dradius' gas?]
[JCM: No, Mothra just has allergies.]
 
From Mothra's view, Ex was suddenly now Tvguy.
 
[OMJ: Now this is a goddamn twist you finish off a midseason finale with!]
 
"Um...is that it?" Ex asked.
 
"TVGUY! Time for my revenge!" Mothra said, pulling out her sword.
 
[JCM: Do you just...carry a sword with you everywhere? Nothing weird about that.]
[Jjs: Mothra and Tvguy are the real love story here.]
[OMJ: At least now we know who's pitching and receiving.]
 
"Lol Tv? I'm Ex.." Ex said, slightly nervous.
 
[OMJ: You are her ex now since your crimes against a SpongeBob forum have been revealed.]
[JCM: Also, what's the with the lols? You're not me.]
 
Mothra blasted a rainbow attack at Ex from her ship.
 
[Jjs: Wait, she was in her ship still? How did the smoke get in her ship, assuming that's what she coughed for?]
[Hayden:  ]
 
"What are you doing!? It's me, Ex!" Ex yelled.
 
[JCM: Quick, pull out your penis to prove it to her!]
 
"Nice try Tvguy! I'm not an idiot, unlike you claim the other SBMers to be!" Mothra yelled.
 
[OMJ: So I think you're saying that you're not an idiot like your fellow SBMers? Teenj was right, what a goddamn bitch.]
 
"Mwa ha ha...NOW KILL EACH OTHER!" Dradius laughed, watching the fight.
 
[Jjs: THE DEATHMATCH OF THE CENTURY!
 
THE BITCH HERSELF MOTHRA...
 
AND THE KAMEN RIDER, EXXXXXKIZZZUNNA!
 
Tonight on Community Deathmatch, with Jjs and OMJ. Dradius is the ref.]
[Dradius: Now I want a good, clean fight! So by all means, get down and dirty. Now let's get it on!]
[JCM: That's no fair! Mothra has the MLP theme song at her disposal!]
[Hayden: If friendship is magic, what kind of sorcery will this enemy feud bring about?]
 
"Ugh...Dradius, I bet the smoke is making Mothra see Tvguy," Ex said, worried.
 
[Jjs: It's making her see a lot more than that, I bet.]
[OMJ: Would you be so bold as to bet your life on it? Because you might just have to.]
 
Mothra attacked him again, and he quickly got into the Pulp Rider.
 
"First you ruin my friendship with SBC, and now you make Ex disappear!" Mothra yelled, jabbing her sword at the Pulp Rider.
 
[Hayden: Representation of trashy Mothra:

 ]
[JCM: Instead of trying to fight a ship with a sword, how about you get into your own ship?]
[Jjs: I guess Tvguy driving Ex's ship isn't a tip-off or anything.]
[OMJ: I thought we weren't friends, now you're saying he ruined your "friendship with us"? What is Christ, SOF above! Your social life is more confusing than 70's sex life.]
 
Ex blasted lasers at Mothra, trying to calm her,
 
[OMJ: Next time you wanna calm somebody down, just fire lasers at em y'know.]
[JCM: It'll either calm her or kill her. Either way, she won't be a problem anymore.]
[Hayden: Maybe Ex is onto something, all this repetitive laser blasting puts me right to sleep.]
 
but she deflected them with her sword.
 
[Jjs: Oh right, this wouldn't be an OMJ riff without a goddamn sword.]
[OMJ: Either that or crudely drawn dicks. Which will probs show up to clusterfuck everything even more now that I've mentioned it.]
 
"Hmm...you are smart after all," Mothra said.
 
[JCM: Because he knew to fire lasers at you when you attacked him?]
[OMJ: Yes, firing lasers at somebody is a clinically proven way to calm somebody down. SBM should be taking notes.]
[Hayden: I'm just surprised Mothra isn't bragging about her intellectual superiority for having the enormous brain needed to deflect his blasts.]
 
"But...now prepare for this!"
 
Mothra got into her ship, and then began powering up a huge blast at Ex.
 
[Hayden: Mothra used Bide!]
 
"Well...I'm fucked." Ex said.
 
[Jjs: He's going to take it in the ass, literally.]
[Hayden: At least he's taking it like a man.]
[OMJ: Or you could, y'know, just move your fucking ship. Leaver her dry (humping).]
 
To Be Continued...
 

[JCM: Spoiler: Everybody dies.]

[Jjs: So why was this a two parter again?]
[OMJ: Because we need another incident that will send us to the hospital again. The hospital may as well be a race track alongside the river at this point. ]
[Hayden: Like we don't already know what happens. Ex is murdered by the blast, Dradius throws smoke at Tvguy that makes him look like Ex to Mothra, and then Mothra unknowingly has passionate sex with Tvguy for the rest of her life. The End.]

Edited December 31, 2016 by jjsthekid

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

 

39. Fight For The Finish (Part 2)

 

Spoiler

Sorry guys. Looks like Wednesday isn't working for me anymore.

 

[Jjs: It's okay, it's not like there's many fans left to care about the delays, anyways.]

[Fa: Now you've moved onto real life filler! Great work, Jjs!]

[Hayden: Wednesday is date night for Jjs. With his mommy.]

[OMJ: I wish Wednesday the best of luck in all its future endeavors.]

 

39. Fight For The Finish (Part 2)

 

[Jjs: This is gonna be a real slobberknocker.]

[Hayden: JCM's death prediction comes true and no one finishes.]

[OMJ: Oh, I'm sure as hell willing to fight to get to the end of this shite right now.]

 

Picking off where the previous episode ended,

 

[Fa: *pulls out extra cheesed up popcorn*]

[Jjs: What, no cheesy recap? I am disappoint.]

[DBZ Narrator: Last time, on SBC *holds nose* PU!]

[Hayden: Really? I honestly thought we'd pick up to 10 years in the future at Mothra and Tvguy's wedding. That or they could have cut to a somber and heart-wrenching funeral for Ex like the ones Bikini Top pulled off so well.]

 

Mothra blasted a laser beam at Ex, but he barely dodged by turning the Pulp Rider.

 

[Fa: ...And there go all my expectations.]

[Jjs: Well, so much for that "suspenseful" cliffhanger.]

[OMJ: Well, it wasn't a sharp turn, so I'm guessing he didn't send flying saw blades out to deflect it.]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"Half mercy on the lord, I'm saved!" Ex said. "MOTHRA! SNAP OUT OF IT!"

 

[Hayden: Half? You don't want whole mercy?]

 

Mothra wouldn't budge.

 

[OMJ: What else is new.]

[Jjs: Ex used "SNAP OUT OF IT!"! It had little effect!]

 

She attacked him again.

 

[OMJ: That ain't new.]

[Hayden: This is exactly what would have happened in the bedroom anyways.]

[Fa: New day, same old Mothra.]

 

"Snap out of what? I'll snap out at you for all the crap you put both SBC and SBM through!" Mothra yelled.

 

[OMJ: SBM I would understand, but I thought SBC was just your "acquaintance"?]

[Hayden: I guess Mothra forgot violence doesn't solve everything. Well, it usually doesn't on SpongeBob forums unless you're Gurgy.]

 

"I'm not Tvguy!" Ex pleaded.

 

[Jjs: Yes, because that worked well the first time.]

[OMJ: Hmph! Sometimes I wonder.]

[Fa: Where is Tv to add pointless dialogue right about now?]

 

"Do you think I'm that stupid?" Mothra said.

 

[Jjs: Well...]

[OMJ: Hmph! Sometimes I wonder.]

 

"I need to somehow make her see I'm Ex," Ex said to himself.

 

[OMJ: Just show her your super fly mac daddy anime driving skills. Or show her your balls.]

[Hayden: Print a photo off and tape it to your face. She'll never know the difference.]

 

Mothra attacked the Pulp Rider again, and she launched another rainbow blast.

 

[Jjs: is that all your ship can do]

[Fa: Rainbows, huh? Very intimidating attack.]

[OMJ: And she criticizes our color scheme.]

[Hayden: She can't even shoot narwhals? Equivalent of the poor man's Star Butterfly.]

 

The Pulp Rider was starting to get slightly damaged.

 

[Fa: Only slightly?]

 

Ex launched some lasers at her.

 

[Jjs: So now Ex is going to kill her, eh? Well, this is a Deathmatch, after all.]

[OMJ: He's obviously still trying to calm her tits down.]

[Hayden: Implying those tits are ever going to soften when she's around "Tvguy" or Ex.]

 

"MOTHRA!!! KAMEN RIDER?!?!" Ex yelled.

 

[Jjs: SCREAM!!!! SHOUT!!!! HOLLER!!!! MAYBE THIS RANDOM REFERENCE TO SOMETHING I LIKE WILL SNAP YOU OUT OF IT!!!! HEY, DO YOU LIKE THE BOSTON RED SOX IN BASEBALL????]

[Fa: I'M TALKING TO YOU! COME ON!]

[OMJ: No! GOOOOOJIRAAAAAA should do the trick.]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"What?" Mothra yelled, as she launched another rainbow blast at the Pulp Rider, which destroyed it.

 

[Fa: Quite a lot of slight damage it sounds like.]

[Hayden: Is Mothra deaf all of a sudden? I mean, I know she tunes everyone else out so she can only hear herself but damn, I really think mentioning Kamen Rider would have saved Ex's ship.]

[Jjs: The Pulp Rider must be pretty damn fragile if rainbow "blasts" can make it fall apart. OMJ, why didn't you install rainbow resistance to it? God dangit Dale.]

[OMJ: I just don't have IMAGINAAAATION.]

 

Ex fell out of the burning cockpit, landing on the ground.

 

[Jjs: Haha, "cockpit".]

[OMJ: Haha, "burning cockpit".]

[Hayden: Haha, Mothra wants his burning cockpit in her mouth.]

 

"Mothra...please.." Ex said.

 

[Dolan: MOTHRA PLSSS]

[Hayden: You can resist Ex's attempts to get you to hold up, but you can't resist a hunk like Dolan, Mothra. 

 ]

 

Mothra then pulled out her sword.

 

[Fa: *will not make dirty joke* *will not make dirty joke*...]

[Jjs: That's another dollar!]

[OMJ: Kinky.]

[Hayden: I would have never guessed Mothra had one of those too under her pants.]

 

"Mwa ha ha ha.." Dradius laughed.

 

[Fa: Oh hey Dradius, didn't see you there.]

 

"Dradius! Stop doing this to Mothra!" Ex yelled.

 

[Jjs: Not much to riff at the moment, but what's the audience doing while all three are just stuck in a cloud? Is... anyone going to look at it. No? Okay.]

[OMJ: Why don't you just make him stop? You are (supposedly) Ex, after all.]

[Hayden: All Dradius did was change your appearance. The psychotic rampage was all Mothra.]

 

"This is all a part of my master plan! I wanted you to to kill each other! I sabotaged your match against Zelx and Rift to even the scores out, and get you two to this exact spot, so I can make room for the prize!" Dradius laughed. "Now I'll be off to claim it!"

 

[Jjs: So.... let me get this straight:

 

You entered the race under the most lulziest team name, ever, and sabotaged OMJ's ship just to have Ex replace him, planned Ex would defeat Garg, Sprint, The Duelist, and WhaleBlubber (whom you hired personally), so he could make it to the semi-finals, have him lose to you and SBM thanks to tvman, sabotage his races with Zelx and Rift just so...

 

You could get Mothra and Ex to duke it out in some dragon fart cloud while you win the last race?

 

That has to be...

 

...a surprisingly well thought out plan, even if extremely contrived and pulled out of my ass. Well done, Dradius.]

[OMJ: All apart of ACS's 12 step diet revenge plan.]

[Hayden: Nothing like spouting out exactly what your revenge plan is to the two people you want to kill each other. Now maybe they'll be smart enough not to kill each other? Oh, who am I kidding.]

 

He then escaped from the dark cloud, and flew away.

 

[OMJ: Bye! Please don't come again!]

 

"UGH! I'm about to be killed by Mothra, AND I don't have a ship!" Ex panicked.

 

[Jjs: If Dradius could bail, I'm sure you could too. I doubt this cloud is that hard to get out of.]

[OMJ: "UGH!" is right.]

[Hayden: Ex, just do what OMJ did to make your last dozen ships.

 ]

 

Just then, he saw lightning come out of the cloud.

 

[Fa: Zeus?]

[Jjs: I didn't know lightning could appear in dragon fart clouds.]

[Hayden: Maybe rain will start pouring out of it too and Mothra's make-up will smear.]

[OMJ: "UGH!" is right again.]

 

"Hmm.." Ex said.

 

[Jjs: Yes, it's lightning, Ex. Don't try to think about it too much, or you may get struck.]

[Hayden: Dumbstruck.]

 

He taunted Mothra.

 

"HEY BITCH FACE!" Ex yelled.

 

[Fa: Sophistication at its finest.]

[Jjs: Insult of the Year Award goes to...]

[OMJ:  ]

[Hayden: That's even meaner than dragon face.  ]

 

Mothra charged towards him, and she was shocked by a bolt, and fell to the ground.

 

[Jjs: RIP Mothra? DING DONG, THE BITCH IS DEAD!!]

[OMJ: Well that was convenient lucky.]

[Hayden: I call bullshit. Not even Ex's dick is long enough to act as a lightning rod.]

 

"Ugh..Ex...? What happened?" Mothra asked.

 

[Fa: Why can't I have any superpowers? I wanna survive lightning bolts too!]

[Jjs: BOOO!

Seriously though, fiction or not, there's no way someone could survive a "bolt" of lightning...]

[OMJ: Give Mothra some credit here, she's gone toe to toe with the likes of Godzilla and King Ghidorah.]

[Hayden: I guess lightning cures dragon smoke hallucinations. *writes this down*]

 

Ex then explained everything to her.

 

[Jjs: Taking his sweet time even when Dradius is on his way to the finish line.]

[Hayden: Knowing Mothra, it took a minimum of two hours for her to fully grasp. Looks like our favorite character Rift is back in the race!]

 

"Damn...sorry man. I didn't know..." Mothra said.

 

[OMJ: Oh, you didn't know? YOUR ASS BETTER CALL SOMEBODYYYYY! But srsly, I highly doubt your blind hatred for tvguy suddenly made you deaf to everything else that was said there.]

 

"No time, we have to win the race!" Ex said.

 

[Jjs: Who is this "we"? Last I checked, you were on separate teams.]

[Hayden: You say that like the Grand Ruler cares, Jjs.]

 

"But how? The Pulp Rider was destroyed!" Mothra said.

 

"I could use your ship." Ex suggested.

 

[Ex:  ]

 

"Meh, fine. But if there is ONE stain mark on it, we're back to being enemies." Mothra said.

 

[Jjs: *touch*]

[Fa: Quite rational Mothra is indeed.]

[OMJ: Jeez, this bitch is bipolar. Like the Helga G. Pataki to our Arnold.]

[Hayden: If there's two stain marks, she'll snap your neck on the spot.]

 

"Aight." Ex said, getting into it.

 

"KICK HIS ASS!" Mothra yelled. "Pat style."

 

[Fa: *look of confusion*]

[Jjs: Pat who? Patrick Star? Pat Monahan? Patty Sponge?! (Actually, in reality, it was Patrick Stump, because I recall Mothra had a lulzy Fall Out Boy obsession. Still doesn't excuse this vague and obscure reference though.)]

[Hayden: Dradiex is going to play an intense game of patty cake?]

 

He flew out, and went after Dradius.

 

[Jjs: Wait, so he just left Mothra in the dark cloud...? Eh, can't blame him.]

[OMJ: So much for "we" beating him.]

[Hayden: She needs to jog off some carbs as it is.]

 

Dradius was approaching the finish.

 

[Jjs: This river track must be pretty damn long, unless Dradius was just taking his sweet time for plot's sake.]

[OMJ: Nothing like a peaceful stroll along the river to calm those bowels after that fart cloud.]

 

"Yes...YES! THE PRIZE WILL BE MINE, MY LORD!" Dradius said.

 

[Fa: YOU FORGOT YOUR EVIL LAUGH!]

[Jjs: Don't you mean for your master (and the other names that follow him around I guess), jackass?]

[Hayden: Dradius is such a religious nut sometimes.]

 

Just then, Ex began to approach him.

 

"Huh...no, IT CAN'T BE!" Dradius growled. He blasted five fire balls at Ex, with some scratching it.

 

[Jjs: Scratching what, exactly?]

[OMJ: That ain't new, either.]

[Hayden: Welp, sounds like some burn marks, I guess Ex's funeral really is still imminent.]

 

"You can't kill me that easily! I'm in a manly pink ship!" Ex boasted.

 

[Ex: I AM A BRONY, HEAR ME NEIGH!]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"I appreciate your guts.... a shame I'll have to rip them out.

 

[Jjs: JCM, that's gross!]

[OMJ: How is it a shame? You'd get to appreciate his guts up close and personal.]

[Hayden: He's talking about this. Ex is like a Swellow.]

 

Since I couldn't get you two to kill each other, I'll just have to do it myself!" 

 

[Fa: Doesn't every evil villain come to the same damn conclusion that their henchmen are considerably worse then themselves?]

[OMJ: Next time, you should try having people kill each other on Black Friday. You know, goes along with the whole dark thing.]

 

Dradius growled, as he stopped, and spread his wings out.

 

He attempted to claw down Mothra's ship, but Ex dodged.

 

[Hayden: Is it even worth asking if they're still invisible to the audience?]

 

"Wow, this has some great speed! What else can it do?" Ex said,

 

[Jjs: Right now I'm imagining Ex is on "speed" right now, which would explain a lot. Speed can do many marvelous things, Ex. Dradius might've used some to have Mothra imagine you were Tvman!]

[Ex: *immediately/accidentally activates vibrator*]

 

as he made it launch a rainbow blast at Dradius.

 

[OMJ: Well gee, that's all it can do.]

[Hayden: Don't forget the stereo that blasts MLP theme songs.]

 

"GWAAAAAHHH!" Dradius yelled.

 

[Jjs: TASTE THE RAINBOW, MUH'FUCKER!]

[Hayden:  ]

 

Ex then began to speed toward the exit. Dradius was catching up, neck by neck!

 

[Fa: *walks out of room to avoid being grammar cop*]

[Jjs: Pretty sure it's "neck and neck", but at least you're having fun writing it!]

[Hayden: They'll be lined up neck by neck when Mothra gets ahold of them.]

 

"Oh boy folks, IT'S A HEATED MATCH!" SOF said.

 

[Jjs: AND I DON'T KNOW WHY EX'S SHIP IS SBM'S, BUT WHO CARES!]

[SOF: Oh boy folks, NOBODY MIGHT DIE THIS TIME!]

[Hayden: IT'S HEATED BECAUSE OF THE FIRE BALLS.]

 

"Come on Ex, come on!" 70s said.

 

[Fa: Bow Chicka Wow Wow!]

[OMJ: That's what 70s said.]

[Hayden: I don't think Mothra would appreciate him cumming on her control panel.]

 

"Wait...why is the Pulp Rider pink all of a sudden?" Clappy asked.

 

[Jjs: THANK YOU!]

 

"Because real men use pink," Wumbo said.

 

[OMJ: It's tvguy's pony wet dream cum true!]

[Jjs: True that, Wumbo. Seriously though, did SOF, JeremyCreek and the Grand Ruler stop giving shit about the rules? The SBM match wasn't that long ago, so it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to see it's SBM's.]

[OMJ: Well, this is SOF, the brat from the Town Santa Claus Forgot and some dick measurer we're talking bout here.]

[Hayden: Either sweep it under the rug entirely, Jjs or make them recognize it as SBM's. You can't have it both ways.]

 

"Pink or not, anything will do!" 70s said.

 

[OMJ: That's what 70s said.]

[Hayden: 70s is fond of blue waffles.]

 

Dradius blasted another fire ball at him.

 

[Jjs: Keep blasting them, I'm sure one will hit eventually. Maybe.]

[OMJ: I'll give Dradius one thing, he's about as innovative as SBC.]

 

Ex then sped through the exit, dodging it, and blasting a rainbow blast, causing a collision.

 

[Hayden: When rainbows and fire collide.

 ]

 

"AND SBC WINS!" SOF yelled.

 

[OMJ: Absolute shocker. Totes did not see that coming. Twist of the year.]

[Fa: UNBELIEVABLE! INCREDIBLE! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES! YES!.... Okay, it wasn't that surprising really.]

 

Dradius went flying, and smashed straight into a wall, with his wings holding him up.

 

"I...failed.." Dradius said, collapsing to the ground.

 

[Jjs: Next time, maybe you should try not to have convenient lightning in your "dark clouds".]

[OMJ: Tell us something we don't know!]

[Hayden: How soul crushing. Your one and only loss. Man, these villains really need to toughen up and wear more pink.]

 

"And here is who is advancing to the finals! Darkness with 5, SBM with 4 and SBC with 3!" JeremyCreek yelled.

 

[JeremyCreek: And I can still say "Team Darkness" with a straight face! No suspicions here!]

[OMJ: Well, it would've been those 3 regardless since you kinda unfairly screwed Rift out of a chance to fight for his spot.]

[Hayden: Just shove something up this guy's "creek" already.]

 

"WOOOO!" drag yelled, as they all cheered for Ex.

 

[Jjs: Is Dragiiin more than one person now?]

[OMJ: So that's what the 123 in his name meant.]

[Hayden: Maybe the audience is all in drag.]

 

"Nice job Ex!" 70s yelled.

 

[Jjs: It's too bad SOF didn't give Ex a congratulatory "good jon!" again.]

 

"Woo, go Ex!" many others cheered.

 

[Jjs: That's specific.]

[Hayden: The enthusiasm is all too real.]

[OMJ: Not even his fans want to be recognized as his fans.]

 

"But first...Tvguy, why did you sabotage my match against Mothra?" Ex said, calling him out.

 

[Fa: That escalated rather quickly...]

[Jjs: Shit, Ex is calling Tvman out! It's the end of the world as we know it, drop everything!]

[OMJ: His blind hate for SBM hasn't given you a clue yet? Maybe you're all just fucking blind.]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"Wha..." Tvguy said.

 

"What?!!" the other members said.

 

[OMJ: Ohai guys. Nice day, isn't it? What'cha staring at?]

[Hayden: The fact that so many members are able to say that in unison is slightly creepy. Do they get together and rehearse their reactions?]

 

70s glared at tvguy.

 

[OMJ: Well, that answers that.]

 

"Well tvguy...we're waiting..." Clappy said. "Or will you just deny it down?"

 

[Clappy: I GET DENIED DOWN! BUT I GET UP AGAIN! YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN!]

[Hayden: Deny it down for what?]

 

"Oh and if you try to deny it, Dradius showed me a real-life scene. You hacked the Pulp Rider so it'd shoot a missile at Mothra when it was a no weapons match. So...yeah, why did you mess up our friendship with SBM?" Ex asked.

 

[Jjs: I'm not entirely sure if we were "friends" to begin with, considering our iffy relationship through 2011.]

 

"Shit, we're still hating on SBM?" Elastic said. "Oh and that it is a fucking stupid thing to do. It's a race for crying out loud."

 

[Jjs: Calling it right now: Best (and most in-character) line of the entire lit.]

[OMJ: Try saying that with a straight face again once the ratings come in.]

[Hayden: Elastic, it's just like Mario Kart, you can shoot all the things you want at the opposing team and they'll never get into a fiery crash.]

 

"Don't worry, I healed our friendship with SBM.

 

[Jjs: So I guess only Mothra represents SBM now? Because spoiler alert, there's still tension between both teams in the finals. Yup, it's not over yet...]

[OMJ: Y'know, by taking their vehicle.]

[Hayden: How long after he says this will Mothra see the scoff marks?]

 

But let's see if Tvguy is going to accept it.." Ex said.

 

[Hayden: He already denied it down.]

 

Tvguy, however, disappeared from the stadium.

 

[Fa: Oh, I can do this too. *disappears*]

[Jjs: Maybe you guys should've kept a better eye on him.]

[Hayden: But they were staring him down and everything!]

[OMJ: Well, he's always wanted to be queen of this place. Now he shall be known as Cleopatra, Queen of Denial.]

 

Meanwhile...

 

[Hayden: In another galaxy far far away from here.....]

[Jjs: Seriously, I should have just made time cards at this point.]

[OMJ: You would've just drove Patrick off like you did with Wednesdays.]

 

"The storm has calmed...and we advance to the finals, as the ties go on.

 

[Jjs: Either this was a really shitty attempt at a rhyme or I have no clue what the hell he's trying to say here.]

[OMJ: I'm willing to bet doubloons on the former.]

[Hayden: Nobody's tied right now. Unless you mean the three teams will all perpetually tie from here on out until Chapter 52.]

 

Dradius has failed me too many times....SBC may be close to winning....and now it is time we get more aggressive with the competition." The mysterious Dark One Ruler said.

 

[Jjs: I'm sure...your...constant...pausing...will put them...in...fear.

 

Well, overall, this two-parter was meh. Not bad, but not particularly good, either. It was pretty much just there to have SBC make the finals, Ex kick Dradius' ass for realz, and expose Tvguy. This didn't really need to be a two-parter honestly, and the Mothra stuff definitely dragged it down, but there's been worse chapters. We're halfway into this season, and... I don't really know what to say. It's over the top, ridiculous, cheesy...but yet...kind of interesting? It's at least more interesting than Season 1, and I feel at least I'm attempting to give character development and personalities. We'll see how the 2nd half goes though, which I'm warning you guys is going to be crazy.]

[OMJ: Crazier than SpongeBob forum members, robots, mythical beasts and aliens? SOF help us, SOF help us all...]

[Hayden: We've seen this garbage before, Dark One Ruler. You didn't have to wait until the finals to stick your head out. *looks at riff contract* Lord half mercy. Only 5 more before I can go on vacation and never return. Time for early second half predictions. Mothra and Ex tie the knot, as in Mothra ties one around his throat. Tvguy predictably joins up with the Dark Ones because of his outcast status. Plus, Steel and Seb have their own 13 episode long arc. Okay, that last one's wishful thinking.]

Edited May 5, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

 

40. Welcome To The Finals

Spoiler

40. Welcome To The Finals

[OMJ: Yes, the 12 episode long finals. That's plenty of time for us to get acquainted.]

[Steel: We're at the finals arc at last? I sure had a long break well spent.]

We see SBC at their pitstop.

[Jjs: I thought it was a hanger.]
[OMJ: Maybe you finally figured out your typo and chose an entirely different word.]

"Well guys, it is hard to believe, but we're going to the finals.

[OMJ: ikr. I expected you slapnuts to get kicked the fuck out during the quarter finals at least.]

Maybe I'm just imagining things, considering all the shit that happened," 70s said.

[Jjs: I dunno, it seems believable to me. If 70s can get married at 18 years old and have a wife that goes to SpongeBob sites, then I'm sure Ex can win in some batshit insane intergalactic race.]
[OMJ: You've imagined a lot of things, 70s. It's hard to tell whether the events in this story are really happening or if it's all just another one of your sharing time posts.]

"Yeah, go Ex mah boi!" OMJ cheered on.

 

[Steel: Lol Zelda CD-i reference.]
[Jjs: Cheering AFTER the race is over, eh? Did OMJ just have a Wiseau moment? Or was he mesmerized by that dark cloud that he forgot to cheer for Ex last episode, and saved it for now?]
[OMJ: So this was when I started going senile. I guess this story does that to people my age.]

"Well, it's gonna be tough parting with the island, and I know many challenges await ahead." Ex said.

"Sorry guys, but only crew members can come to the finals," 70s replied.

[Jjs: So basically an excuse for all the other SBCers to get shafted again.]
[OMJ: Ain't like they were important or nothin outside of a few random ass cameos. I'm surprised you even gave em their names.]

[Steel: Makes me wonder what they have a stadium of almost the entire inter-dimensional population for.]

"Dang, but I understand. Where is the finals?" Clappy asked.

[OMJ: You mean these whole, maybe, 6-10 (tops) times you've appeared, you weren't apart of the crew?]

"Not sure yet, but apparently, we will take a ship there," 70s said.

[OMJ: The Delta Queen, I hope.]

[Steel: Or Dradius, you know cuz' he's a ship himself.....]

"We'll also need at least 2 more members with machine experience to aid us."

"I'll come," OMJ said. "This game needs more BROMJ action."

[OMJ: Oh, just stfu you anti-Hassan.]

[Steel: And lose your piloting abilities again? Okay.]
[Jjs: Well, it does make sense for OMJ to come, as he did build the first technologically advanced fighter jet. Not to mention that important intel he knows on The Dark Ones, but who cares about that nonsense! Oh well, at least I'm not sidelining him again.]

"What the hell, I'm in," Elastic said.

[Jjs: Elastic has machine experience? Why not use someone like hilaryfan80? Or is he just coming for comedic relief?]
[OMJ: Yes, bring along the guy who just made what felt like his second line in this story just now. Plenty of experience there.]

[Steel: Plot progression!]

"nuuuu ;(" Drag said.

[Jjs: I feel ya Drag. I don't even think I've made one damn appearance this season.]
[OMJ: Now Drag won't be able to ride on her majesty, the Delta Queen. ;(]

"Don't worry Drags, I'll bring you back the prize!" Elastic promised.

[Jjs: Who is this "I"? Last I checked, you're just going for help.]
[OMJ: Just bring em back a t-shirt. He won't notice the difference.]

[Steel: Elastic went to the finals to promise me a share of the prize and all I got was this stupid t-shirt!]

70s, OMJ, Ex, Elastic and 2 other workers followed them to the docks.

[Steel: Of Shame? Looks like they're going home then.]
[Jjs: 2 other workers? Let me guess, looks like we're getting some hard-working Mexicans to pitch in, too?]
[OMJ: Maybe you listened to me earlier and decided not to give these SBCers names.]

"Wait, what about tvguy? Is he coming back?" Elastic asked.

[Jjs: Oh yeah, that guy.]
[OMJ: Yeah, is he not gonna just re-insert himself into a position of power despite his fuck-ups like he usually does?]

"Don't know," 70s said.

[Jjs: Bullshit. We know you're probably hiding his body, 70s.]
[OMJ: It's at home, under his mattress covers.]

SOF and JeremyCreek welcomed them to the ship.

"Ah, that's the smell of new adventure ahead of us!" OMJ said.

[Jjs: The smell of adventure? You smelled SOF and JeremyCreek? Weirdo.]
[OMJ: Just fuck em while you're at it, I heard JeremyCreek is so naughty that Santa skipped his entire town.  ]

[Steel: Huh, I thought it was my skin. Tiki 10 for that matter.  ]

Darkness and SBM boarded the cruise with them. However, Dradius wasn't with the Darkness crew.

"Where's Dradius?" Ex asked to them.

[Jjs: Busy sucking that shadow of a dick for his punishment.]

[Steel: Drenching himself in all the black he can get before making his entrance for the finals.]
[OMJ: So basically no one on Darkness boarded the Delta Queen, because he's really all their team has going for them.]

"He is no longer the pilot for our team," Gargos said, standing up. "His failure in the last match was not accepted by our higher authority, and was thus replaced by me."

[Jjs: Oh, so we're actually going to develop his other comrades now.]
[OMJ: Now we can finally see which one of them sucks shadow dick the most.]

[Steel: Works for me. Dradius wasn't really that interesting of a character anyway.]

"I see...well, good luck!" Ex said, slightly nervous.

[Jjs: Yeah, "good luck" to the team that outright told you they were going to eliminate you from the Earth. Y'know, especially since you now know the "comrades" Dradius was talking about. Seriously, what's with the Plot Amnesia? OMJ and Ex both know important intel, yet keep it to themselves. I know the first half of 2012 was that Black Sheep period, but I doubt 2012 OMJ & Ex would intentionally hide dangerous information from us.]
[OMJ: Then again, we can be assholes li'dat.]

Gargos gave a look.

[Ex: That's about the nicest thing anyone has ever gave me, thank you!]
[OMJ: is what he might as well say.]

[Steel: Pick a look. Any look. Specific detail would be nice.]

As the cruise kept trailing, we see 2 other ships. They were carrying the winners from the other courses.

[Jjs: So what is everyone going to do on Opposite Island? Are they going to watch the finals through a tv screen? Are they going to call it quits and go home if there's no broadcast? Why can't anyone watch on the this new island? Don't these people have jobs? So many questions, yet no time for answers.]
[OMJ: You mean there's more characters we probs won't know or care about competing out of the blue too?]

[Steel: With more ridiculous names to boot, I bet. This will be one heck of a show.]

After a while, the 3 ships arrived at a huge island. There were egg-like huts around the borders of the island plaza, which were pitstops.

[Jjs: Another island conveniently in the Caribbean, eh? Hopefully this event helps the economy there too.]
[OMJ: And still no Crushing. Shame. Unless he's...the Grand Yardstick promoting activity by throwing this ridiculous Roblox competition to begin with?!]

[Steel: Are they celebrating Easter over there? Oh and this just occurred to me, if the finals was located in the island Ex mentioned at the beginning, then why did 70s say he had no idea where the finals was being held???]

"Here we are!" The boat captain said.

[OMJ: Hi.]

[Steel: The boat captain is my favorite character.]

Darkness, SBC and SBM got off.

[OMJ: Bye.]

The other 2 boats unloaded the teams. OMJ, Elastic, 70s and Ex were shocked when they saw who got out of one the boats.

"HELLO SBCERS!" ACS yelled.

[Steel: 

Actually....don't even call it a surprise, we've milked ACS many times in the Spin-Offs/Lit world that he just had to collaborate with this Lit.] 
[Jjs: Well, that's just great, ACS debuts and he's not Dradius like OMJ predicted.]
[OMJ: Surely both ships were needed to carry his weight/ego?]

"Oh boy," Elastic said.

"BWAHAHA! WHEN I WIN THE PRIZE, I WILL PUT AN END TO BULLYING!" ACS laughed.

"I find this ironic," OMJ said.

[OMJ: About the most in-character thing I've said in this whole story.]

[Steel: Still, is ACS going to the finals in this story just an excuse to write him on here?]

"SHUT UP!!!" ACS screamed.

[Jjs: At least I can write shamed SBCers in-character.]
[OMJ: You'd think he would use the prize to actually get friends. And a family while he's at it.]

[Steel: Dude, just leave and take your constellation prize brick from UWS Season 2 with you.]

"BEHAVE YOURSELVES!" A voice yelled. It was the Grand Ruler, as his spirit appeared in the center of the plaza.

[Jjs: You best behave yourselves, or that ruler is going to spank your asses hard!]

[Steel: Wait until he gets out the belt, anything but the belt!]
[OMJ: So is he dead? Ironic, considering he's Crushing and all.]

All 9 teams bowed.

[OMJ: Bitches, all of you.]

The teams were, as follows:

SBC

[Jjs: Nowai.]
[OMJ: OHMAHGAWD]

[Steel: Reaction!]

SBM

[Jjs: Nowai.]
[OMJ: OHMAHGAWD]

[Steel: Moar reaction!]

Darkness

[Jjs: Nowai.]
[OMJ: OHMAHGAWD]

[Steel: MORE REACTION AND ALREADY SPECIFIC DETAILS!!!1]

RACB

[Jjs: How ACS even won one game is a mystery.]

[Steel: I'm surprised he actually made it to the finals.]
[OMJ: So just him and two cardboard cutouts of any celebrity he thinks are his friends.]

Q

[Jjs: I didn't know alphabet letters were eligible.]
[OMJ: X MARKS THE SPOT, DOUBLE D!]

[Steel: This race is so well-known that a character from Star Trek came to compete.]

Stalus

[Jjs: who]

[Steel: I was right: more crazy character names!]

Nondai

[Jjs: what]
[OMJ: The Jjs name generator is strong with these ones.]

[Steel: Take "Bandai" and pronounce it with an "N". Voila, Nondai! LOLOLOLOL]

Massan & Jss

[Jjs: Another excuse to connect this with Season 1.]
[Jjs: It's time to remind everyone this is SBC *holds nose* PU agayn!]

[Steel: I'm surprised at the lack of Hassan sub-plot being involved with this race.]

Zwuir

[Jjs: wat]

[Steel: Either "wat" is right, or you've just been doing Bionicle again, Jjs.]
[OMJ: And this one.]

"Everyone...you have made it far. You are all here on Paralois Island, one of the most enchanted islands in the world, and one of the largest.

[Jjs: Yeah, pretty cool island, I've been there before. Nice vacation spot. I really want to make a party joke for this ridiculous name, but I'll just leave those to OMJ.]
[OMJ: Paralois Island? I remember that place from when we partied like we were in the parties section there during Spring Break. You're welcome.]

[Steel: The island is so large, it can be a population-growing country on its own.]

 

This is indeed the finals - take it seriously.

[OMJ: So we weren't supposed to take the quarter and semi finals seriously? I guess that explains all the careless collateral damage along the way.]

What you see here is your plaza, or hub. The huts around the plaza are your stations." Grand Ruler explained.

[OMJ: Sounds like some technologically advanced huts. Did it take you an hour or two to build those too?]

"How are the challenges set up?" Mothra asked.

"You will all race in a different location each day. You will not be eliminated if you lose.

[Jjs: So this is how you drag it out for the rest of the season.]
[OMJ: So we'll race along the river each day? Gotcha, big man.]

[Steel: Does it involve the same type of challenges tho, to stick with the formula the semi-finals had?]

 

This is all calculated by points. If you come in first place in a race, you get 10 points. If you come in second place, you get 8 points, and 3rd place gets 5 points. Whoever has the most points in the end, and wins the final challenge, becomes the next Grand Ruler. All other rules apply. Understood?" Grand Ruler said.

[Jjs: *writes down* Dangit, my pencil broke. Can you repeat that exposition?]

[Steel: Here's a pen.]
[OMJ: So in other words, we're playing SpongeBob Cart 8?]

9 pillars than rose out of a water area - they each had the symbols of the team.

[OMJ: Lemme guess. SBC has SpongeBob, SBM had SpongeBob first, Darkness has the Black Panthers logo, ACS has himself and/or the Delta Queen, our reminders that season one happened has the Air Nomad insignia, Q has a Q, and fuck everyone else cuz their names are too weird to come up with anything remotely witty.]

They were all at the same point, and represented how many points the teams had.

The Grand Ruler then faded away.

[Grand Ruler: COME FADE AWAY! COME FADE AWAY! COME FADE AWAY WITH MEEE!]

"Alright folks, get to your stations!" SOF yelled.

[Jjs: Worlds are colliding, SOF'S YELLING!]
[OMJ: Jjs's spell checking is on point.]

[Steel: He's got balls if he still hasn't gotten laryngitis yet.]

"We need a plan - with ACS, SBM and Darkness, this is one fierce competition ahead," 70s said.

[Jjs: Lol @ ACS being "fierce competition". Unless 70s is scared shitless that ACS might know his secret identity.]
[OMJ: For all we know, they could very well be the same poor sap.]

"How did ACS win anyways?" Elastic asked.

[OMJ: ikr]

[Steel: Welcome to my world.]

"Wouldn't be surprised if he cheated." OMJ said.

[Jjs: Yeah, just like a certain team you know important info on.]
[OMJ: As if we never used another team's ship to win a race.]

"But anyways, we have our mechanics and back-ups, so we should be fine," 70s said.

[OMJ: Yeah, with these nameless mooks on our side, we'll be unstoppable! And here I thought 70s only brought these guys along for just extra-curricular sexual activities.]

"Boss, this island is HUGE and I mean HUGE.

[OMJ: That's what 70s said.]

[Steel: Thank you for pointing out the obvious, uh....uhhh...]

There is an ice field, a fire field, ruins, etc." A mechanic said.

[Steel: Random unnamed mechanic? Yep, I'm gonna call you Captain Obvious now.]
[Jjs: Yay, "A mechanic" is back. My favorite character of the lit.]
[OMJ: You mean, there's courses other than the river? Why, this is a HUGE turn of events!]

"Well, we'll be ready - we'll kick mother nature's ass!" OMJ said.

[Jjs: Yet you couldn't even kick a mythical creature's ass.]
[OMJ: Not just that, but pussied away at the same time.]

[Steel: YOU'D HID A GIRL??///???/]

Meanwhile, in Darkness' hut..

[OMJ: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom's lair...]

"Gargos, don't fail us like Dradius did," Phalos said.

[Phalos: We're already underdeveloped enough, and I'm only just a pegasus that can shoot rainbows. Basically, I wouldn't help much.]
[OMJ: So he's gonna fail you like Dradius did.]

[Steel: Yeah, OMJ's foreshadowing could be right.]

"I won't. I have a few plans - plans much superior than his ever were.." Gargos laughed.

[OMJ: Much superior. Shoots rocky rocks. Such winner.  ]

"Well, the competition is looking tough. SBC and SBM are looking like huge threats, let us focus on them.." Flareix suggested.

[OMJ: Not as HUGE as the boulders, I reckon. But you know it's a cold day in hell when not even ACS the Dark Ones take ACS's threats srsly.]

"Slow down there pal, we just got here. We'll figure things out when the game begins tomorrow," Gargos said.

[Jjs: TOMORROW?! So was this episode just there to set everything up? Wow, I couldn't even be bothered to put in a race.]
[OMJ: So this is also how you stretched it to 52.]

[Steel: Oh no, this episode isn't a filler, is it!?]

 

Back at SBC's hut, we see the Pulp Rider has been upgraded to Pulp Rider V3.

[OMJ: What, no aquatic animal to accompany it?]

[Steel: Oh hey, a ship upgrade. I guess that's important enough. Nope, it's a still a filler.]

"It's kind of the same as the last one, but more bullet resistant," a mechanic said.

[OMJ: But is it more mythical creature resistant? Because that's what did the most damage.]

[Steel: Great news to hear, Captain Obvious, even if you weren't being obvious.]

"Still, I've made improvements, and fixed some complications to prevent it from being hacked again."

[Jjs: Srsly, why didn't I just use hilaryfan80.]
[OMJ: He was too busy coding as it is for the site, let alone a jet fighter.]

"Thanks guys! We appreciate it." 70s said.

[Jjs: Is he going to pay the bill again?]
[OMJ: He probs spent all that money on various movies and seasons of shows and not putting food in his kids' bellies.]

"Can't wait to try it out tomorrow. I'm ready, finals!" Ex said.

[Jjs: Well, that was disappointing. Not only did OMJ's theory get debunked, but I don't think anything even happened in this episode. We start off the finals with a whimper of dull more than a bang. Impressive.]

[Steel: Uninteresting breather episode, should've realized this is what I've got after my long break. 12 more episodes, that's already halfway through, and my next riffing assignment better be more worth it than this.]
[OMJ: Hey, we at least found out we won't just be racing along the river.]

Edited May 5, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Metal Snake]

Pretty decent riffing, I laughed a lot at the riffs about ACS and the riffs for when the team names were being called.

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

 

41. Assy Like ACS

 

Spoiler

41. Assy Like ACS

[OMJ: Great, now I'm just gonna imagine ACS as a giant walking, talking ass- oh wait, that's how he always is.  ]
[Trophy: Alliteration title counter: Too fucking many!]

[steel: X Like Y. Exploitation is fun when it's episode titles!]

"Proud pilots...the first race has begun!" The Grand Ruler shouted.

[OMJ: I think a lil more elaboration could be used here, Grand Yardstick, because we're at the finals and this is far from the first race.]
[JCM: Tell me when it's the last race. Then I'll be excited.]

[steel: The first race? Is this episode 28? *checks* Good.]

All the pilots ran and shuffled their stuff together, and got prepared.
 

[Fa: Are they dancing?]

[OMJ: Running and shuffling? What the hell are they gonna do, play a rousing game of speed?]

[steel: Their swords should be enough when it comes to what stuff they "shuffled together."]

"So, where are we racing today?" Ex asked.

[JCM: Mario Kart Stadium.]

[Fa: Rainbow Road? Please be Rainbow Road.]

[steel: No items. Ex only. Paralois Island.]

"Your first match of the finals is a race through the lake over there.
 

[Fa: Biggest letdown ever.]

[OMJ: Oh goodie! We finally move on from the river and onto...the lake. Yay...]

[steel: Can't wait for the second match where they race through "the lake over here".]

There will be 4 rings to pass through, although your crew from now on will tell you how many gates there are.

[OMJ: So you saying how many rings and/or gates there are just now was just an example?]

[Fa: So everything was a lie?]

[Lex Luthor: If you want to advance through the finals, solve my maze!]

You must pass through them to get some points. Each gate you pass through is 2 points, so if you don't win, you'll get some points.

[Trophy: So if I win, I could get 0 points?]
[JCM: Unless you don't even reach the first gate. Then you're screwed.]

Anyways, all other rules apply.
 

[Fa: So basically anything goes?]

[OMJ: So the target race, triangle and maze run rules all apply? OKIE DOKIE THEN!]
[JCM: Pilots don't say "okie dokie then". Pilots say "argh"!]
[Trophy: So it's another special race?]

[steel: What rules don't apply, then?]

You must be careful, and you'll know when you make it to the final gate. BEGIN!" The Grand Ruler commanded. The pilots were off.

 

[Fa: How will I know? Thanks for nothing, Grand Ruler!]

[Trophy: Because it's flashing in neon colors?]

[steel: Ah, never mind. The race already started with everyone going off like a speeding bullet, as usual.]
[OMJ: NOW, the first race has begun. And I can only imagine the pilots all running and shuffling to their vehicles, just barely making it to the starting line every time SOF & sons abruptly yells at them to GO!]

"Come on Ex mah boi!" OMJ cheered.

[OMJ: This race is what all true warriors strive for!]
[Trophy: Shaddup you, get back to your dungeon cell!]

[storyOMJNotToBeConfusedWithTheOneRiffingThis: *wimpers* Yes boss.]

[steel: Another Zelda CD-i nod? I thought I got that job done in the previous episode.]

It was a heated game. ACS was getting ahead of everyone else.
 

[Fa: Oh hey ACS.]

[JCM: Those years of flight simulators are paying off.]
[OMJ: Looks like we have a tense situation.]

[steel: The only way ACS would be in the lead is if he had an Action Replay with him.]

"GAH HA HA! I WILL WIN THE GRAND PRIZE! FULL STEAM AHEAD CREW!" ACS commanded.

[OMJ: What crew?]

His ship was a ship that you'd see in a star fighter game,

 

[steel: What star fighter game?]
[Trophy:...HOW...DO...YOU...FIND PEOPLE ABLE TO BUILD THIS STUFF, OK I'M DRAWING THE LINE WITH ALL THESE SPECIAL DESIGNS! I AM THROUGH WITH IT!]
[OMJ: HAHA! Flight simulators.]

and it had a RACB flag.
 

[Fa: RACB? What does that stand for? Thanks for keeping me in on this inside secret.]

[JCM: Rage Against Care Bears is my favorite rock band.]
[Trophy: Rockin' And Cheatin' at Blackjack?]

[steel: Ridiculous Acronym Created by a Blockhead.]

"Ugh, but if there is one person I want to take out first from this game, it is him!" Ex yelled, firing lasers at ACS' ship.

[OMJ: I heard the Fancy French restaurant has an all you can eat buffet.]

[steel: Him from the Powerpuff Girls is racing? And he's on ACS' team???]

"Nice, I see the lasers are faster than ever!" Ex said.

[Trophy: Not as good as the rainbow blasts.]
[OMJ: How fast were your lasers possibly going before? 25 mph?]
[JCM: And they said equipping his ship with a laser speedometer was a dumb idea! They were right, but still, look how it's helping Ex now!]

"UGH! SBC! TAKE THIS!" ACS yelled as he fired a cannonball at the Pulp Rider, but Ex dodged.

 

[OMJ: Now that's good ole ACS, posing no threat at all!]

[Trophy:  ]

The first ring was approaching, and Stalus passed through it first, which gained him two points. All the other teams passed through the gate as well, and it disappeared.

[JCM: Is it a gate or a ring? These questions are important, folks!]

[steel: Why not all three? --Canadian tea ceremony--]

"Where did it go?" Massan asked.

[OMJ: Does it really matter at this point? You already went through it. What, it's gonna come back and fuck you from behind when you least expect it? ...That's really gonna happen, isn't it?]
[Fa: It's like magic!]

 

"I think they crumble away when all racers go through a ring," Jss replied as the two flew off.

 

[JCM: Or a gate.]

[Trophy: Yay, some opposites doing something, for the first time ever.]

[OMJ: Thanks, I needed to be reminded once again that this is indeed a continuation of SBC *holds nose* PU.]

[steel: I understand now. The gates don't disappear. They crumble into grains of sand.]

"Alright, you're doing OK, but we need to keep up the pace a bit. Stalus is in the 1st place, Q is in 2nd, and Gargos is in 3rd." 70s said.

[OMJ: Q can't possibly be second, B is always the second letter of the alphabet!]

[Trophy: Where is Ex, 4th?]
[JCM: I didn't know Q from Star Trek was playing.

Yes, I'm a nerd.]

[steel: And I thought ACS was ahead...]

"What am I in?" Ex asked.
 

[Fa: You're in the internets.]

[OMJ: You're in a clusterfuck of online people, robot opposites, mythical creatures, aliens, letters of the alphabet, and whoever ACS decided to be in this chapter.]

"5th,"

 

[Trophy: AGH, NEXT GUESS! Remind me to never gamble...]

 

70s replied. "It's not terrible, but it's not good either."

 

[JCM: You won't get into Harvard with those grades!]
[OMJ: You can just say that it's terrible, horrible, no good and very bad.]
[Fa: No, it's bad. You don't want to virtually die, because then you'll really die.]

 

"I understand," Ex said, speeding ahead.

"ALRIGHT CREW! WE NEED TO GET OUR GAME UP!" ACS yelled at WorldTravel, Darris, Jack and Lewleworange (aka Rainbow Dash).

[OMJ: Awww look, ACS had himself a wittle fwiend.]
[JCM: ACS can't Mighty Ducks himself.]

[steel: "ALRIGHT ACS'! WE NEED TO GET OUR GAME UP!" ACS yelled at ACS' brother, ACS, ACS, and some other member of SBC (aka joke fodder).]
[Trophy: THE POWER OF THE FUCKING PONIES!]

"WHERE ARE DA PONIES!?!" Lew demanded.

[Trophy: ...I swear I didn't even see that.]
[OMJ: Can we fuckin move on from this? It's been like 3-4 years already!]

[steel: Yay, more forced hated-SBC-member Lit appearances!]

"PONIES!!!!? THIS IS A SERIOUS GAME, WE DON'T HAVE ANYTIME FOR PONIES!" ACS screamed.

[JCM: Ponies sure worked for Mothra.]
[Trophy: Then do you at least have time for barbie girls?]

[steel: So much yelling....]

"BROTHER! STOP YELLING!" WorldTravel said.

 

[Fa: NO MAN! IT'S WAY EASIER TO YELL THAN ACTUALLY USE OUR WORDS!]

"GAHWHAHAHA!" ACS yelled, firing lasers at Gargos.

[JCM: Uh oh. ACS is broken. Time to take him back to the shop.]
[OMJ: Go fuck yourself, why won't ya.]

[steel: Somebody's cranky.]

"Irritating child...I will destroy you!" Gargos yelled.

[OMJ: You're a gargoyle, can't you just ward demons like him off?]

He made his stone like ship,

[JCM: Stone like ship? Ship like stone, too. JCM like talking like cavemen.]

which had 3 arched pointers in the front, blast a beam at ACS' ship.

"AAAAAH!" ACS screamed.

[OMJ: Now that's what I'm talkin bout!]

[steel: Is ACS' dialogue just gonna be outbursts?]

Gargos then flew ahead, while something was lurking in the water below.
 

[Fa: Who took a shit in the lake?]

[JCM: It must be one of our many guests. I'm glad they took my advice to lurk moar.]

"Sir, I am detecting an unidentified intruder below in the water," a crew member said to ACS.

[OMJ: I wouldn't give em a name neither, I'd lose track keeping up with all those personalities.]

"FIRE AWAY!" ACS yelled.

 

[steel: Hit it with your best shot!]
[JCM: A bit trigger happy, aren't we?]
[Fa: Well that escalated quickly...]

 

Lasers and cannonballs were thrown at the beast in the water, and it disappeared.

[OMJ: Well that was anti-climactic.]

Ex then attacked ACS by ramming into his ship.

[Trophy: Rammed into what?]

"BULLY!!!" ACS yelled.

[JCM: Yeah, trying to win a tournament makes you a bully! I bet he tried to steal your lunch money, too!]

The Pulp Rider and ACS' ship were in a fierce battle. His crew began to storm the Pulp Rider.

[OMJ: Until they realized that they got nothing up their sleeves before hightailing it with their chodes between their legs?]

[Other teams: BRB, getting more points by going through rings and gates.]

ACS' ship launched a chain that hooked onto the Pulp Rider.

[JCM: Good thing you bought all that Fifty Shades merchandise.]

"EX! GET OUT OF THERE!" 70s shouted.

[70s: THE HOOKS! THE HOOKS!]
[Ex: How bout a mint.]

"Is this fair??!" Ex shouted.
 

[Fa: Considering how the Grand Ruler didn't bother to look into Mystery Racer's identity and doesn't suspect anything about Team Darkness, I think "fair" stopped being a word for this competition a long time ago.]

 

"Fuck you Ex :3" said Lew, wrapping him up in rope.

[JCM: Did you have to make a cat face while doing it?]

[stan Pines: It's a pony face that looks like a cat face face.]
[OMJ: I'd figure they'd tie em in, y'know, chains. More effective that way, but then again, when is ACS ever effective.]
[Grand Ruler: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT AS LONG AS I GET MONEY!]

ACS boarded onto the chain, and on top of the Pulp Rider.

[OMJ: ACS's fat ass would drop from that chain faster than a barefoot jack rabbit-]

"Hello Exxy...prepare to die!" ACS laughed, pulling out a sword. "I'll have a fond memory of you when I win the grand prize."

 

[JCM: And murdering your opponents is a great way to do that!]

[Trophy: Or SBC can sue you... and get a new pilot... and make you in debt beyond belief that you'd be out of the race in a prison rotting for the rest of your life, oh wait, we hate you GO ON AHEAD KILL EX IF IT GETS RID OF YOU!]
[OMJ: While I'm sure we all should be feeling glad that this is the first time he's seen that thing in years, I don't like where this is going. At all.]

[steel: And you'll have a bad memory of Ex when you lose the grand prize. Shots fired.]

"You monster

[OMJ: I wouldn't go that far, Extasy.]
[JCM: This is sounding more and more like a soap opera.]

[steel: More like a shouting fest as far as this episode goes.]

...this is how you won the other matches!" Ex said.

[Trophy: ...So he killed multiple people and is still in?]
[OMJ: I'd pull out of the race too if he pulled that out on me.]

"Don't worry, if you are willing, I'll let you join the RACB for a small fee," ACS chuckled.

[JCM: But he loves the Care Bears.]
[ACS on the corner: Hey baby, wanna join the RACB?  ]

"I refuse!" Ex shouted, kicking a sword out of a crew member's hand. He fell into the water, and Ex cut himself free.

[ACS 1: DUUUHHHRRR IS HE GETTING AWAY, BOSS?]

[steel: Curses, foiled again!]

He then kicked some of the members off the Pulp Rider, kung fu style.

[ACS 2: MAYBE WE SHOULD THREATEN HIM SOME MORE!]

[Fa: Climatic fight scene!]

[JCM: Ex learned to race from Kamen Riders and learned to fight from Power Rangers.]

[steel: He's got the eye of the tiger.]

[Trophy: 

]

 

 

"Well then, I guess you DIE!" ACS shouted. They attacked each other with swords, and ACS fled back onto his ship.

[OMJ: What, they clashed swords for like one second before ACS pussied out? This story really is ahead of its time.]

"Then take this!" ACS laughed, as he the ship grabbed onto the Pulp Rider.

[OMJ: Wow, he's his own friends and now he's his own ship. As Avatar: The Last Airbender once said, I hear cowards float.]
[JCM: If ACS is a ship, does that mean he's about to bang the Pulp Rider? I'm suddenly interested in what's going on again.]

The Pulp Rider was under ACS' ship and Ex couldn't move.

"It's stuck!" Ex panicked.

[JCM: Should've used lube.]
[OMJ: Well that is a lot of weight holding ya down, there.]

"Stay calm!" Elastic said.

[OMJ: Yes, yelling frantically will calm him down. Why don't you just pull an Ex and fire lasers at em.]

[steel: How ironic.]
[Fa: DID YOU SAY PANIC!? TIME TO PANIC!]

 

The Pulp Rider began to crack.

[JCM: Crack is wack, yo.]

"MWA HA HA HA! TAKE THIS!" ACS yelled.

A laser beam was about to launch at Ex, but just then, the sea beast from the lake shot up and swallowed ACS' ship, and it dragged it down into the lake.

[JCM: Hooray for a deus ex machina!]

[steel: What a convenient ass pull you got there, Lit.]

[Trophy: That's some OP bs.]

"Now THAT's a miracle!" OMJ said.

[OMJ: Never thought I'd say this again, but THANK SOF!]

"But we're still behind," 70s said. "Don't panic, you can do it!"

[OMJ: Ah yeah, he encouraged us. We're definitely doing this now!]

Ex flew ahead, and was near Massan & Jss.

[JCM: We can't forget that season one was a thing, after all.]
[Fa: Oh yeah, there was some parallel universe thing, right?]

 

As Ex was about to approach the 2nd ring, all the rings disappeared.

"What is going on!?" Ex asked.

[OMJ: Oh my SOF, they're gonna fuck em all from behind, aren't they? Why does everything I say have to come true?!]

"You're too late - Stalus came in 1st, Q was 2nd, and Gargos was 3rd." 70s said.

 

[steel: I saw that coming.]

[Trophy: If it's like that for the rest of the series, I'm gonna commit suicide.]
[JCM: But you encouraged him! Your encouragement is magic!]
[OMJ: Oh, phew. Then again, should we really be shocked? Ex just spent this entire race giving all his attention to ACS, who I'm damn sure probably got sick kicks outta that.]

Ex was disappointed, and flew back.

"Don't get too upset - we got some points, but not much." 70s said. "Better luck tomorrow."

[OMJ: 70s really is the Crushing of this series.]
[JCM: Yeah, to think I made that observation in the first episode I riffed. This season may be terrible, but it's consistently terrible.]

As they were racing back, the sea monster spit out ACS' ship.

[OMJ: You couldn't switch out the "p" for an "h"?]

[steel: I don't think anybody wants to see ACS get digested anyway - or I'm the only one who doesn't....]
[JCM: Not even the sea monster could stomach ACS's antics.]

"Ugh...I think I'm gonna be sick," ACS said, leaning towards the railing.

[OMJ: A good representation of us whenever ACS rears his ugly head back in.]

We then cut back to SBC's hut.

"Well, you got two points, Ex," Elastic said. "It's not 0."

[JCM: 2 isn't 0? I learn something new every day!]

[Fa: Thanks for the math lesson, Elastic.]

[steel: In other words: you tried.]

"True Elastic, that made me a bit better." Ex said.

[OMJ: Holy crap, I just noticed something. THAT DOG CAN TALK!]

"Don't worry about it - we all make mistakes.

[JCM: We all have those days. We all know what you're talkin' bout. We all get that way.]

I doubt we would have won the first round that easily anyways. Now get some rest, you'll need it," 70s said.

[OMJ: Yeah, ACS's asshattery would put us to sleep too.]

"Thanks boss," Ex said.

Meanwhile...

[JCM: The transitions are the only thing that keep me coming here.]

"Master...Gargos has done well," Dradius said.

"Maybe you could take something from him," the Dark Ruler master said.

[OMJ: Yeah, some pointers on how to be an even less interesting villain.]

[steel: I thought the Lit wanted to forget that Dradius is a main character.]

"I'm sorry for my failures," Dradius said. "I cannot live up to you anymore. First the whale failed,

[JCM: That happens every time I use Twitter at peak hours.]
[Fa: Having Twitter issues as well?]

 

and then I couldn't get SBM and SBC to kill each other.."

[OMJ: And if you couldn't even get SBM and SBC to kill each other at that time, then you know you done fucked up something wrong.]

"Shh. I have other reasons." The Dark Ruler master said.

[JCM: "Dark Ruler master"? His mother must have hated him.]

[steel: Master of all dark-colored measuring sticks everywhere.]

"Oh?" Dradius asked.

"Yes...you did well, despite those two things. We got to the finals. I have some small missions for you, as a reward for your work. I thought you needed a break, and Gargos wanted a chance," Dark Ruler master said in shadows.

[OMJ: So you were just punishing Dradius because even a shadow has physical desires too?]

"What is my mission?" Dradius asked.

[JCM: Help Daenerys take back the Iron Throne.]

[steel: If you choose to accept it...?]

"Go to the caves on Opposite Island and check on you-know-who. I sense a disturbance.." the master said.

[OMJ: Well, that's one Harry Potter and Star Wars reference each out of the way.]
[JCM: And I covered the Game of Thrones reference, so we're good.]

"Yes, my lord," Dradius said, flying off.

Dradius was in the caves, and he approached a melted spot of ice.

 

[JCM: Did you kidnap Elsa?]

 

"It can't be...he's gone." Dradius said.

 

[Jjs: Time to REALLY tie this into season one! Did anyone catch it yet? Do I need more robot opposites to make cameos?]

[Trophy: So we're finally getting to a plot? Okay then.]

[steel: So that means more suitelife? Whoops, spoiler alert.]