Wumbo Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Oh shit, you're right. Still sticking to my theory however, especially with one of the future episodes being titled "Worst. Episode. Ever." Rest assured, I was on the Internet, registering my disgust to the world. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 Bikini Top Season 2 21. To All of You 22. Look After You 23. Hallelujah 24. I'm Just A Kid 25. Gossip Hurl: Spoiler And finally, a new episode of the most-viewed show on SBC... Bikini Top. [Jjs: EGO LEVEL: 10,000] [Hayden: So wait, Secret Agent Snail isn't the most viewed? Well I'm going to go curl up and cry in the corner now...] S2E5 (25)- Gossip Hurl: [Wumbo: A reoccurring thing in Season 2 that I hate and is awful is the usage of the song played throughout the so-called "end montage" as the title. Sure, 70s' original titles were incredibly lulzy, but at least they were original. So now I'm glad we're back to awesome titles like these. This is gonna be a good one, I can tell.] [Hayden: I know a girl in real life with the last name Hurlbutt. True story. Oh right, on topic. I hope this doesn't mean the episode is filled with more vomit and gossip.] Previously on Bikini Top... TOO MUCH! TOO MUCH! ZOMG! [Jjs: CALM DOWN 70S! BREATH IN AND OUT!] [Hayden: Well, it's already been established you can't keep track of anything 70s.] Okay, I'll try. [Wumbo: About time.] [Hayden: Try not to strain yourself. Oh wait, that involves even more trying! GAH!] Back to school bitches! [Jjs: Was that supposed to be referring to our female characters? Maybe 70s was being honest at least.] Sandy is the new science teacher. After Jackie nags at her, Naomi tells Trevor about the pregnancy, in the open. Jake and Morgan meet Seth. Anna meets Molly. Morgan comes home from school crying, to find her mother there. Bryan and Temperance have sex because Temperance feels sad and vulnerable. Sex makes Temperance feel even worse. Naomi confronts her mother, Veera, about her behavior and tells her of the pregnancy. Dora breaks out of prison, and... wow. Giant teeth come from her mouth, and she bites each of the guards. And then the end montage shows Temperance crying, Bryan feeling good, Dora heads to Bikini Top, Naomi and Veera continue to bond, and Jackie wonders if going through with the marriage is a good idea. "Waaah! Waaah!" Alex cried. [Jjs: Oh yeah, she exists. And what better way to open the episode than have a baby crying. Don't do that again 70s, that scared the hell out of me. At least that "Waaah! Waaah!" is probably the only dialogue we'll ever get and remember from Alex.] [Wumbo: Wait, Alex is a character? I thought she was a new riffer.] [Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HP8sofAN4xc ] Brenda and Tristan were out. Temperance, with horrible bags under her bloodshot eyes (she had been crying a lot lately) went to soothe her sister, while she also had a few tears dripping down her face. (Theme plays) [Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rasZzenuYxI ] [Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6usKhzL8uI ] ("She's a Genius" by Jet plays throughout the scene) [Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVA799gKNzo ] [Wumbo: Yes, please show me how Jet is going to fit into your whiny melodramatic scene, 70s.] [Hayden: I wouldn't call the two girls in the scene below "geniuses".] Morgan and Jackie were out shopping, enjoying their Sunday. Well, one of them. Morgan was still depressed, and Jackie was determined to find out why. "Morgan, I know something is wrong." [Jjs: Great detective skills, Jackie. It has taken you the whole summer to ponder over her bruise, and now finally come to a conclusion "Something is wrong". Give her a medal folks!] [Hayden: It's been a long and hard game of connect the dots for Jackie, but slow and steady and wins the race right?] "What?" Morgan said. "Don't act like you didn't hear me," Jackie said. [Wumbo: I wish I could, Jackie.] "I've let this slide for weeks. But I'm your best friend, and you have to tell me." "Jackie, I'm not telling you, because there's nothing to tell," Morgan said. "What, is it your feelings for my... fiance?" Jackie said, starting to sound upset. "That's right, he's my fiance. So back off of him." [Wumbo: Oh, BRILLIANT. Way to make her feel better, Jackie. Top-notch friendship skillz, A+.] [Hayden: Somehow I don't think that question mark at the end of fiancé is going to convince Morgan to back off.] [Jjs: Okay, uh...what exactly was going through Jackie's head here? This conclusion doesn't really add up... Morgan + Bruise on stomach = Morgan still having feelings for Jake? Jackie really is a one of a kind detective....] "I don't have feelings for Jake!" Morgan yelled. "Liam raped me!" [Jjs: ] Then Morgan ran out of the store. [Jjs: Well, at least she finally did something she should've done a while ago. Also, does 70s seriously listen to some of the songs he puts for the scenes? Because I don't think an upbeat song by Jet was the best choice for this scene...] [Wumbo: THAT GIRL'S A GENIUS, WHOA-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH] [Hayden: Well, that was a very subtle and well built up rape reveal scene.] ~~~ ("Can't Stop" by Mozella plays throughout the scene) [Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbFDA9pAnXA ] [Wumbo: Mozella Firefox?] [Hayden: Can't stop what exactly? Pointlessly adding "hip" songs to each scene to pretend this is a teen show like Degrassi or something on MTV?] Anna and Molly were at Anna's house studying when they decided to take a break. In the past few weeks, the two of them had become good friends, and had even discovered they shared a common interest: singing. Now they were just talking. [Jjs: Wait, more time skips? You know, I think we could care more about these characters if 70s didn't jump through time so much. This relationship feels so forced now because we never saw any development.] [Wumbo: The singing will come later. You've been warned.] [Hayden: Wow, one similar interest over all those weeks, I'm totally buying this stock and bond.] "So... we need to learn more about each other. I don't know much about you," Anna said. [Jjs: So much for those "weeks of bonding" then...] "Yeah," Molly agreed. [Jjs: But Molly, you said her boyfriend died and she ran over a guy. That's plenty to know!] [Hayden: How convenient, finally an expositional conversation right in time for this chapter. You realize 70s you could have made this their first study session outside of school or just, you know, NOT SKIPPED ANY FREAKING TIME AT ALL BECAUSE IT MAKES THE STORY MAKE EVEN LESS SENSE WHEN THE CHARACTERS HOLD SHIT IN FOR WEEKS ON END.] "What's your favorite color?" Anna asked her. [Anna: My favorite color is Basic Bitch Blue.] "Hmm... purple." "Favorite food?" "Don't really have one. Not picky though." [Wumbo: She sounds like a hoot.] [Hayden: Her favorite food isn't smoothies? HANG HER AT ONCE!] "Do you like music?" "Oh, you know that one. I love music, and I love singing. Just like you." [Jjs: Music AND singing? Do you like tunes, jams, and songs, too?] [Hayden: Why did Anna ask a question about the one thing she already knew? Does she love padding out conversations as much as 70s does or was that the only thing that could pop into her tiny little fish brain?] "Do you have a boyfriend?" Anna asked. "Um..." Molly said awkwardly. "What?" Anna asked. "I thought you knew," Molly said worriedly. "Oh god, I thought you knew." "Again... what?" Anna asked once more. [Hayden: How would she know? Not everybody snoops around trying to find out all your personal details, MOLLY. Stalker biotch.] Molly then leaned in and kissed Anna. "That." [Wumbo: "Sorry about the forwardness, it's just that I get turned on by entitled whiners who drive drunk."] [Hayden: What better way to introduce an LGBT character then by having her immediately make a move on an obviously straight character? WAY TO KILL THOSE BAD STEREOTYPES ABOUT THE LGBT COMMUNITY CALVIN.] Anna jumped back. "Holy crap!" [Jjs: God Almighty Anna, I think you'll live. You may start to question your sexuality and have a different view on Molly, but you'll live.] [Hayden: She's infected! Anna, just be happy Dora never came onto you like that, with the fangs and all that shit.] "Oh god. Oh god!" Molly said. "I'm really sorry..." Anna said. "But I'm straight." "I know.... but I just thought -- I guess I wasn't thinking." [Jjs: Last season I jokingly predicted 70s would do a lesbian shipping, and why am I not surprised. Could have he made it any more forced though?] [Wumbo: "Guess I wasn't thinking." 70s' mantra.] [Hayden: You thought your similar passions could defy the power of different sexuality preferences? DON'T BE ABSURD MOLLY, TEEN SHOWS NEVER HAVE STRAIGHT CHARACTERS TURN GAY FOR THE SAKE OF PLOT!] "It's not that you're not pretty or anything." [Jjs: "It's not that you're not pretty, it's just I have a terrible fear of being hit on by the same gender, sorry."] [Hayden: That's Anna's nice way of calling you an ugly hag. She'd sleep with Jackie, Morgan, and Temperance any day of the week over you skank.] "Oh, this is so embarrassing..." Molly said. "It's okay!" Anna said. "Really, it is." [Wumbo: "Really, it is embarrassing."] "No, no, no!" Molly said. "I'm just a lesbian freak." "You are not a freak!" Anna assured her. "Yes I am," Molly said. "I'm sorry. I have to go." And she left. [Jjs: Well, if Anna and Molly become an official couple later on, I hope 70s handles it better than he did with this scene.] [Hayden: Well, Molly acknowledged she's a freak at long last! Will she now seek the help of Jesus?] [Wumbo: So 70s' lesbian fantasies are as awkward as you would expect. Next scene!] ~~~ ("We Cry" by The Script plays throughout the scene) [Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzY8LA4rxxM ] [Wumbo: You're close, 70s, but the song should be accurate to your story, not the reaction of the riffers to your spin-off.] Jackie stood in the middle of the store, wondering what to do. She decided to chase after Morgan. She ran after her, and caught up to her. [Jjs: Wow, Jackie should try out for the school's track team.] She was at the boatmobile, banging on the driver's door. [Jjs: Seriously, these people's disrespect for doors nowadays...] [Hayden: Bang your head against it, that might open it.] "It's not gonna unlock..." Jackie said. "I have the keys." Morgan uttered, "Damn it," under her breath. She was cornered. There was no escape now. [Wumbo: Uhh... could you not use this description regarding the rape victim, 70s?] [Hayden: This description might have made more sense if Liam had just ran after her. But now there's no escape from....getting support from her friend? Or jealous brat, same thing.] "When did Liam rape you?" Jackie asked. [Jjs: "And I need more details while I'm at it, since I am a highly skilled detective. Such as: What time, date, month, and year, where, why, and how?"] [Hayden: Don't forget to ask the really important question here Jackie, did she enjoy it?] "It was the end of summer... a little less than a month ago," Morgan said. "And you've been keeping it a secret for that long? How have you survived?" Jackie asked her, concerned. [Hayden: How did she survive the violent raping or how did she survive keeping the secret? Somehow, I think the first is harder to deal with.] "I just... didn't say anything. That's why I've been acting so weird. And..." "And what?" "He hits me too. A lot. Remember when you kept seeing those bruises on me? Liam." [Jjs: "And remember when the US Government shut down? Liam."] [Hayden: WHAT? LIAM BEATS HER? JACKIE MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS JAKE IF SHE DIDN'T ADD THAT LAST PART. Well actually, since every word out of Jackie's mouth towards Morgan is about Jake, I could have seen that confusion somehow happening.] "WHAT?" Jackie exclaimed. "Calm down!" Morgan pleaded. "No," Jackie said indignantly. "I have to tell everyone. That bastard is going to pay." [Jjs: How much? I don't think rapists are known for having much money.] "No!" Morgan shrieked. "You c-can't do anything!" Jackie sighed. "Fine, but we have to tell everyone. They're your friends. They deserve to know." "No..." Morgan moaned. "Mor, yes..." Jackie said. [Jjs: Oh sweet, we're using the Mor nickname again. It beats typing out the full name, since that must be so difficult for 70s. To be fair though, I can't blame him, it strains me a lot to type out a lot of these characters' names.] [Hayden: Less is Mor...gan.] "Alright..." said Morgan, giving in. Jackie unlocked the boatmobile and they drove home. [Wumbo: Boatmobile. What an odd method of transportation for a person. Oh... oh yeah, they're fish, I keep forgetting.] [Hayden: 70s could have wrote his vision like a normal person instead of trying to pander to SB maniacs by having it be underwater. Talk about desperate.] ~~~ Temperance was crying and crying when she looked in the mirror. She was so... puffy. She was fat. She was so fat. And ugly. She continued to cry, and thought about what she could do about being such a fatass. Then, she remembered what she could do... vomit. She went to the toilet, put her finger to her throat, and bam. [Jjs: Um....what was the point of this scene? We get Temperance is depressed, but...this didn't add anything to the episode. At all. Oh, Padding Police!] [Wumbo: But when... why... fuck, I'm not touching this one. Nope! There's two other riffers on this one. I'm moving to the next scene.] [Hayden: ....Okay, I'm with you here 70s....except not really, WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS BINGEING AND PURGING SHIT COME FROM? THIS IS MORE OUT OF LEFT FIELD THAN THE FUCKING CANCER, IF YOU'RE ANXIOUS TO DO A STORYLINE LIKE THIS 70S, AT LEAST LEAD UP TO IT IN SOME BELIEVABLE MANNER. Hell, you might have gotten away with this if you had told us she had been eating ice cream nonstop for weeks to cope with Brenda's news, but no, all you've made clear is that she's a crybaby and that she's uncomfortable around Bryan right now. Which reminds me, while Bryan is certainly no catch, he can't wait to bang Temperance every chance he gets, so where did this sudden self-consciousness come from?!] ~~~ ("Temporary Blues" by The Features plays throughout the scene) [Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZr7jBoYbS0 ] [Wumbo: Or as Bikini Top calls it, Eternal Blues.] [Hayden: The Blues Clues. Oh wait, 70s never hints at half the shit he pulls out of his ass in each chapter.] The next day was Monday. Everyone went to school. Naomi was walking to class and she heard everyone whispering about her. "Did you hear?" "A baby!" "Oh my god, what a whore!" [Wumbo: That is the ugliest effing skirt I've ever seen.] [Hayden: Who names a girl Naomi? She's totally a hippie!] "And the dad..." "Trevor." "They're broken up." "That poor baby." [Jjs: I'd feel bad for the baby too, if I were raised by an ex-drug addict.] "Abortion?" [Wumbo: One time Regina George punched me in the face. It was AWESOME.] "That girl is crazy. Drugs... pregnancies. She needs some therapy." [Jjs: So much for trying to stop rumors Naomi by blurting it out loud last episode. That genius plan worked well.] [Hayden: Brought it on herself. Sorry 70s, if you're trying to make me feel sympathy for Naomi, you dropped the ball hard on that one.] She pretended not to hear. Or tried, that is. She went up to one of the girls talking about her and bitch-slapped her. The girl slapped back. Soon they were on top of each other, and people were gathering around yelling, "Fight! Fight! Fight!" [Jjs: The girl that shan't be named. I just hope she wasn't important-oh wait, none of the background characters are important.] [Ron Duvall: Oh, hell no. I did not leave the South Side for this!] [Hayden: COME ON NAMELESS GIRL, SNAP NAOMI'S NECK ALREADY!] ~~~ Jackie was sitting in class, wondering where Temperance was... the scene cuts to Temperance in a stall in the girls' bathroom, puking. [Wumbo: Moving on.] [Hayden: I'm glad Temperance found a new hobby.] [Jjs: Pointless Scene Numero Dos.....wait wait, oh. Oh. I get it now. "Gossip Hurl" Gossip with Naomi, and hurl... You're a clever man, 70s.] ~~~ Anna was in class. Molly wasn't there. Anna was so sorry for her actions yesterday... she should have been more delicate with the matter. But then someone walked in, and she had no time to be upset... it was Dora, that bitch from prison. [Wumbo: But I thought YOU were HER bitch? *rimshot*] [Hayden: So she can transfer into school after breaking out of prison. Seems legit.] [Jjs: Bikini Top High must really not have much high standards or background checks on who they allow into their school.] The teacher said, "Everyone... this is our new student, Dora. She recently transferred to Bikini Top from Rock Bottom." [Hayden: This storyline is hitting rock bottom.] Anna shrieked. [Jjs: Hey, it's not a total loss. Maybe you'll learn some Spanish.] "What's wrong, Anna?" the teacher, Mrs. Shank, said. [Jjs: Mrs. Shank? xD I think Principal Fish has been replaced as my favorite character.] [Wumbo: Sorry 70s, Best Use of the Word "Shank" still goes to teenj for Mr. Krabs' awkward, out-of-character, yet wholly humorous threat.] [Hayden: Is Dora going to shank Mrs. Shank in the back? Or did she already do that to Sandy? Where is Sandy, did 70s finally write the SB characters off? Well regardless, it's nice to see Dora finally try and get a proper education after all that terrible grammar.] "She's lying!" Anna yelled. "She didn't come from Rock Bottom!" [Wumbo: In a way, she did...] "What?" Mrs. Shank asked. Bryan, Jake, Morgan, and Seth were staring at her, as was the rest of the class. [Jjs: "What's her problem?"] [Hayden: "You weirdo, after all the crazy shit that has gone on in Bikini Top, we're supposed to believe more crazy shit is happening right this instant?"] "She was in juvie! Since she's lying, she probably broke out!" [Wumbo: Right, Anna. And she's posing as a high school student. That's ludicrous... and accurate, sadly.] [Hayden: Maybe she was let out for good behavior and morals just like you were Anna. That's how the system works after all.] [Jjs: She sealed up the hole in the wall after breaking out. That counts as good behavior to me.] "Are you okay, Anna?" Jake whispered behind her. "Yes, I'm okay!" Anna whimpered. "Anna, the Juvenile Detention Center is a well-guarded place that a teenager could not break out of," Mrs. Shank said. [Jjs: That place must sure be well-guarded if Dora could sneak a cell phone in.] [Hayden: What a great teacher, don't fact check anything, because it'd be impossible for anyone to break out of any prison ever.] Anna gave up. "It was an honest mistake," Dora said. "I forgive you, new friend." She winked. Anna turned around and whispered to Jake and Morgan, "You seriously didn't see that wink?" "No," they both said. [Jjs: Nah, she probably just had something in her eye.] [Hayden: Who winked? Where? How diabolical! ANNA IS RIGHT EVERYBODY!] ~~~ It was time for lunch. Bryan, Jake, Temperance, Anna, Morgan, Jackie, and Naomi were sitting at their usual table. Seth came over and asked if he could join. They said yes. [Wumbo: Okay, who the hell is Seth? MacFarlane? If so, where are all the fart jokes?] [Hayden: All the characters together in one setting, finally. Which enlightens me....we have way too much estrogen to follow. Seth is a welcome addition.] [Jjs: Oh sweet, Seth managed to get into their ranks. Too bad we don't know anything about him as of now, and our group is badly developed as it is. At least he'll try to balance out the girl to guy ratio. Speaking of which, new game. Let's sum up the main eight in one word... Bryan - Dickhead Jake - Dumbass Temperance - Puke Anna - Drunk Morgan - Victim Jackie - Mother Naomi - Drugs Seth - Something ] "I can't believe it -- two weeks of detention just for hurting the bitch who was talking about me behind my back. I hate this place. I hate my life," Naomi said. "You should have heard the things they were saying about me! It was so embarrassing." "You can't stop teens from gossiping, unfortunately..." Temperance said, voice filled with melancholy. "It's in our nature." "Cheerful..." Seth said sarcastically. [Wumbo: Oh, isn't that cute? He's mastered the dead-eyed ennui of the group.] [Hayden: "How could I get detention for inflicting violence on someone?! Sticks and stones may break her bones, but words will straight up kill me."] [Jjs: Alright, looks like I can update Seth's player card with "Buzzkill".] "Anyways... I have something to tell you guys," Morgan said. "What is it?" Jackie asked with an approving glance to her. "Liam raped me. And hit me," Morgan said. [Jjs: Say it louder why don't ya, this episode needs more JUICY DRAMA! LET THE WHOLE SCHOOL KNOW!] [Hayden: A casual conversation in a cafeteria sounds like the best time to spill this information. I WONDER IF IT WILL LEAD TO MORE RUMORS AND GIRL FIGHTZ LULZ.] Bryan spit his soda right in Jake's face (Jake said, "Dude, what the hell?"). [Wumbo: Well done, 70s. Way to trivialize rape with a stupid spit-take joke that didn't need to happen.] [Hayden: 70s sure knows how to add in that comic relief to relieve tension in these tough moments.] [Jjs: Hey, at least it's some karma for Jake. Having soda spit into your face is known to be the ultimate "haha I got you back, joke's on you dickhead" prank. Who knows, maybe Bryan had that spit saved for a while, and then Morgan's reveal let it release, to Bryan's delight.] "Yeah..." Morgan said. "I can't believe it. Naomi's pregnant, you got raped, this is a bad year... a really bad year..." [Wumbo: This definitely tops the Pinkeye Outbreak of '07.] [Jjs: And let's not forget the Swine Flu of '09!] [Hayden: I'd say it's Bikini Topping last year. Haha. But no seriously, this year is terrible, only 70s thinks it's gotten better.] Anna said. "And I have something to tell you guys too." "You didn't get raped too, did you?" Bryan said as Jake wiped off his face. [Jjs: I think Bryan has been crowned as the Pope of the Dickheads by now. I can't stand Bryan. Why was he made our main character again?] [Wumbo: WHO CARES ABOUT JAKE'S FACE?] [Hayden: Will Anna cry wolf about Dora some more or talk about her juicy affair with Molly? Both seem like appropriate lunch room discussions.] "No..." Anna said. "But... Molly's a lesbian. And she tried to kiss me." Jake covered his face, but Bryan didn't spit on it. [Wumbo: OH MY GOD STOP STOOOOOOOOP!] [Hayden: PROTECT THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AT ALL COSTS, IT'S MUCH MORE VALUABLE THAN RAPE CONFESSIONS AND LESBIAN ENCOUNTERS!] [Jjs: Jake's face must be protected at all costs, since he does have to star on a new Adventure Time soon (why did I never make a joke about this before). Actually, scratch that. Jake in AT is at least likable.] "Seriously?" Morgan asked. "Didn't see that coming." "Yeah, and now she's not at school today and I feel terrible!" Anna said. "And the girl who tormented me in juvie is here now too." [Hayden: Oh I see, we're going with both for exposition's sake to the entire group. Well, better this forced way then forcedly keeping secrets for 10 chapters.] "I still think you're wrong about that," Jake said. "I mean seriously, a seventeen year old escaping from juvie? I don't see it." [Wumbo: Nobody saw it coming, not even us. It's so batshit stupid and nonsensical, so how could we have seen it coming?] [Hayden: Jake, you don't see half of what's in front of you, why are you the expert on whether or not what Anna's saying makes sense?] [Jjs: From now on, read Jake's lines in Jake the Dog's voice. It makes his character much better.] "I guess..." Anna said. [Jjs: Obviously Dora was just let out of juvie for teaching the guards Spanish and sealing up that hole.] [Wumbo: And then Jake went to apply Clearasil to his face, his beautiful, beautiful face. #jakesface] ~~~ ("Did You Lose Yourself?" by Future of Forestry plays throughout the end montage) [Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuFbRy2_quE ] [Wumbo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hO2wA0Te0wM ] Morgan tells Heather about the rape, crying on her shoulder. [Hayden: Right, tell an entire table of people you barely know before your mother.] Anna tries to call Molly, with no answer. [Jjs: ] Tori's father, Mitchell, drives to Bikini Top. [Jjs: Who? I probably remember him, but I really don't have the motivation to reread Season 1 right now.] [Hayden: What the fuck does this have to do with anything?] Naomi reads a pamphlet about abortion. [Jjs: Yikes.] Temperance goes home crying, and Mikayla tries to comfort her. [Jjs: I think Temperance has out-cried SpongeBob.] [Hayden: I can't tell if Temperance is upset or not, a few more paragraphs of her crying wouldn't kill you 70s.] Dora goes into Arianna's house, and slits her mother's throat, then stabs her father in the chest. She throws both corpses out the window, and then strolls up to Arianna's room, where she is chatting on Fishbook. She tenderly bites her in the neck. [Wumbo: The bad man touched me! His writing touched me and I'm scarred now! Seriously, what the fuck?] [Jjs: I'm not even going to bother dignifying this with a comment. This scene really riffs itself.] [Hayden: So Arianna's mention last chapter did have a purpose. BRAVISSIMO 70S! *throws multiple Spinny awards at* Why was the most lolwtf and interesting thing that happened all chapter condensed to a short end paragraph though?] MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP "She's a Genius" - Jet - www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRG7N42yrdY "Can't Stop" - Mozella - www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvZNFxWNEOg "We Cry" - The Script - www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dyt-usuURE0 "Temporary Blues" - The Features - www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZr7jBoYbS0 "Did You Lose Yourself?" - Future of Forestry - www.youtube.com/watch?v=mr9-MbXNc8o It took me FOREVER to write this, so reviews appreciated. [Jjs: FOREVER? I highly doubt that, considering this was probably the shortest episode yet.] [Wumbo: I'll gih ya a revah as sooh as I cah uhinh my drohed jaw, you sih bastah. Okay, here we go: 70s, what the hell? This is your most offensive, most brainless episode yet. If you don't have the emotional depth to write about rape and abortion, then let someone else do it. Rusty's Raping Rampage handled the subjects better than this!] [Hayden: Wow. Forever. Guys, I hope you didn't rush his genius too much during this season. If you did, that's obviously where everything went wrong, because 70s is beyond creatively talented with everything he wrote in this chapter. But too much of a good thing is bad, so I'll be on the sidelines cheering you all on. Try not to catch too many headaches in the coming chapters. HAYSTER AWAY. *flies up and out of this hellhole*] 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 Dora goes into Arianna's house, and slits her mother's throat, then stabs her father in the chest. She throws both corpses out the window, and then strolls up to Arianna's room, where she is chatting on Fishbook. She tenderly bites her in the neck. I can't believe I didn't catch that...a key plot scene...being condensed into a short summary... No...I don't believe it... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 Dora goes into Arianna's house, and slits her mother's throat, then stabs her father in the chest. She throws both corpses out the window, and then strolls up to Arianna's room, where she is chatting on Fishbook. She tenderly bites her in the neck. I can't believe I didn't catch how lulzy that was. Imagine how 70s would've written the death scene of Batman's parents in a Batman fanfic... "Bruce and his parents walk outside a theater and a mugger shoots Bruce's parents to death. The mugger leaves and Bruce starts crying." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpongeOddFan Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 Bikini Top" Filled with Pointless Drama. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 I've decided to take a break for this episode and leave a certain user in charge... Bikini Top Season 2 21. To All of You 22. Look After You 23. Hallelujah 24. I'm Just A Kid 25. Gossip Hurl 26. Fade to Black: Spoiler It's been over a year since Bikini Top premiered, and in honor of that, comes this epic episode.S2E6 (26)- Fade to Black:[Metal Snake: I can’t help but imagine if this episode was written by past SOF. It would probably be titled “Honor of Anniversary”.]Previously on Bikini Top... BEST EPISODE EVER.[Metal Snake: Bullshit on balogna. Even if it was the best episode, you shouldn’t have to announce it.]But it was like, just posted. You don't need a recap![Metal Snake: Woah, 70s (to an extent) realized the fruitlessness of these recaps? What sorcery is this?]Now, get ready for the best episode ever![Metal Snake: But...you just said the last episode was the best….never mind. I’ll leave the Contradiction Police calls to Jjs.] ("I Can't Hear You" by The Dead Weather [listen here- [Metal Snake: ...The point of that note? I can see the video you posted, did 70s think we’d be like HURR DURR WHERE DO I CLICK TO WATCH IT.] ] plays throughout the scene) Temperance gets up and is almost happy to hear that her sister Alex is not crying for once. Almost.[Metal Snake: That use of “almost” twice was pretty redundant. Pretty.] She's still pretty fat. But she has been getting results from throwing up.[Metal Snake: Wait, if it’s not helping her get thinner, then how is she getting “results”? What, is her puke measuring her weight for her?] She walked out and saw that Brenda was up. "How are you feeling, Temp?" she asked.[Metal Snake: Okay, I’m sorry, there’s nothing wrong with name abbreviations, but...Temp? I half-thought she was referring to Temperance as an employee being hired for a short period of time. Why not just call her “Temper” while you’re at it?] "You've been in bed for a long time." "Fine," Temperance said bluntly. "Okay..." Brenda said, feeling genuine concern for her daughter. Mikayla told her about the night before when she had come home crying.[Metal Snake: Sorry past me, I’m reusing a joke you made in the comments. “Uh-oh! My daughter had come home crying.” I know we all make a few errors in writing, but man, did 70s just decide to stop proofreading this shit before he posted it? This is not the first major spelling/grammar error we’ve seen...] Temperance grabbed her backpack and walked out the door for school. Brenda sighed. "Have a good day, sweetie." (Theme plays) Jake and Bryan had just left for school, and Larry was watching the news and sipping some coffee while Tori was making some breakfast.[Metal Snake: And I notice a double use of “and” right after I make that remark. Yeah, 70s stopped proofreading this…] An interesting piece came on.[Metal Snake: A piece of...what? Paper? Pie? Your mind?] "And now, a developing story... Matthew and Laura Procter, were found dead outside their window this morning.[Metal Snake: Outside a window? How descriptive. Where was this window? On the second floor? Were the bodies floating in mid-air?] Their seventeen-year-old daughter Arianna has been declared missing. Matthew was reportedly stabbed in the chest, and Laura had her throat slit. Neighbors say that there was no commotion at night, and it was a happy home, despite their daughter having a hard time at school.[Metal Snake: I didn’t know homes could be happy. What, was their house possessed by a friendly ghost?] For now, Arianna Procter is the prime suspect in the double murder,[Metal Snake: The formal term is “double homicide”. Unless this news crew likes casual lingo from the 40s. “Who could be behind the double trouble murder?”] since their is[Metal Snake: “there is” Three strikes, you get a new police squad on your ass. Jjs, please call in the Proofread Neglect Police. I’m sure the Lazy Editing Police will appreciate their help.] no evidence of a break-in. If there are any sightings of Arianna Procter, please alert the authorities at this number. Here is a picture of the suspect." "Can you believe it?" Larry asked. "Well, she did have a hand in Trey's murder last year," Tori reminded him.[Metal Snake: HOLD IT! Trey’s murder… *goes back and does some re-reading* INCONSISTENCY POLICE! Maybe this plothole’s true root was in episode 24 with this little line… "This was kept out of the public eye, but..." Morgan said, "...Trey's killer was Arianna's cousin, Robbie. And it was all sparked by Arianna telling Robbie to beat Trey up after he broke her heart by dumping her for our best friend, Anna." But this line really shows how this whole issue is starting to stink of shit. Not only is there no explanation as to how Morgan found out, THE CHARACTERS NEVER FOUND ANY EVIDENCE THAT ARIANNA HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. Forget proofreading for a second, was 70s even re-reading his previous chapters?] "Hardly," Larry said, scowling. Lately, Tori and Larry had become very distant from each other. Larry seemed to be pulling away from Tori, as if he was not interested in her anymore.[Metal Snake: You are pulling me apart, Lisa!] There was a knock at the door. "Will you get that?" Larry asked. Tori rolled her eyes and got the door. She saw her father Mitchell at the door. She had a shocked look on her face.[Metal Snake: PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE! Was Mitchell shocked by his sudden gender change?] "Dad!" she said. "What are you doing here?" "I came to talk to your husband. Face-to-face," he looked very angry.[Metal Snake: We’re going to engage in...face-to-face combat.] ~~~ ("Black Betty" by Ram Jam [listen here- ] plays throughout the scene) Jackie arrives at school, and she can't stop staring at the engagement ring on her finger. It had been there for a long time now, but she just couldn't get used to it. Was getting married the right thing to do? She couldn't decide.[Metal Snake: I GOT A RING ON MY FINGER TO REMIND ME WHAT I CAN’T DECIDE!] "Morgan, am I doing the right thing... marrying Jake?" she asked Morgan. "You really want my opinion?" Morgan asked.[Metal Snake: You really want my opinion on this spin-off?] "Of course," said Jackie. "It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Morgan said.[Metal Snake: Wow, harsh critic.] "Oh..." Jackie said. "Who knows if you guys will end up together?" Morgan asked.[Metal Snake: Yeah, it’s not like people are together when they get married!] "This is high school! It's the most unsure part of our lives! We switch around from relationship to relationship. Our Fishbook statuses go from Single to In a Relationship constantly. Our hormones are raging. One week we're interested in one person, the next week we're interested in a different one. Or even two or three at a time!" "I don't know if I agree," Jackie said.[Metal Snake: Yeah...where’s Morgan’s logic here? Even if they eventually get divorced, they’ll still “be together” for a while…] "Okay then," Morgan said. "Look me in the eyes and tell me that you guys would still be together right now if you hadn't gotten pregnant."[Metal Snake: NEWS FLASH. THEY’RE GOING TO END UP TOGETHER IF THEY’RE GETTING MARRIED.] "You're just jealous..." Jackie said, trying to find a way out. "No, don't go down that road," Morgan said. "For the last time, I am over Jake. I'm just doing what's best for you, like you did for me when I told you about the rape. And what's best for you is to know that getting married in your junior year is a dumb thing to do."[Metal Snake: And if I say it’s the worst for you, then it’s the best for you.] "But I love him." "For now," said Morgan. "Now come on. We have to get to homeroom." ~~~ Jake, Morgan, Anna, and Seth were in Science class. No sign of Molly again today.[Metal Snake: Though there have been Molly sightings in Math class.] Sandy was teaching the class when suddenly--[Metal Snake: Sandy caught Molly’s contagious love for dashes (-)?] "Sorry for the interruption. I just wanted to announce that tonight the high school will be holding a college fair tonight for all seniors to attend.[Metal Snake: A fair? There better be cotton candy or we riot.] This is not mandatory, but we do hope everyone can attend. Now is a good time to start thinking of the future." The class broke out into a chatter.[Metal Snake: Because someone turned up the air conditioning too high and their teeth are chattering from the cold.] "Now, now, this isn't the time for chit-chat," Sandy said in as stern of a tone as she could muster. "I know it's the beginning of the year and it's easy, but you have to pay attention."[Metal Snake: Yeah, pay attention to what I’m not teaching at the moment!] Seth quickly mouthed, "Are you guys going?"Jake, Morgan, and Anna happily nodded. ~~~ ("Don't Panic" by Coldplay [listen here- ] plays throughout the scene) "So why are you here exactly, Dad?" Tori asked her father as she poured him some coffee.[Metal Snake: I guess saying he was going to talk to your husband face-to-face wasn’t clear enough.] "Your husband has been using the company credit card quite often," Mitchell said. "And I wanted to know if you knew about this."[Metal Snake: Wait...INCONSISTENCY POLICE! He said he wanted to talk to her husband FACE-TO-FACE. Was he just craving a dramatic debut, or did Tori and Larry get their faces switched in an alien experiment?!] "Well I'm sure it's just been for work-related expenses," Tori said. "And how is lingerie and hotel rooms a work-related expense?" Mitchell asked.[Metal Snake: Ever heard of a business trip?] Tori spit out her coffee.[Metal Snake: Okay, can we please stop it with the drink spitting? We don’t need a cliche to remind us that the characters are surprised. Soon, this is going to become a circle-jerk meme where no one wants to do anything else when they’re surprised but spit.] "He hasn't given me any lingerie. And he said he was going on business trips. Larry, what do you have to say for yourself?"[Metal Snake: ...I wrote my business trip line before reading this, I shit you not. And lol, giving a possible explanation for this evidence and treating it like it’s incriminating a line later. Digging this consistent dialogue.] Larry sat there, silent. ~~~ ("Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones [listen here- ] plays throughout the scene) Astenias was sitting on a chair, though more like a throne, made of the finest materials. It made him feel empowered.[Metal Snake: ] There was a knock on the chamber door. "Name?" he said robotically, sounding uncaring and cold.[Metal Snake: Sounding uncaring and cold...while asking for a name robotically? I didn’t know computerized noises had such a distinct sound of apathy.] "Pandora," said the evil, chilling voice of Dora.[Metal Snake: Dora the Explorer on the other hand, I always knew she was hiding a demonic voice under those Spanish words…] "Enter," he said, and he lifted his hand up and moved it swiftly, to which the chamber door swung open, and Dora entered with Arianna. Arianna was foaming at the mouth,[Metal Snake: Cool your jets, Arianna. Rabies is a curable disease, don’t you know?] and there was some blood dripping from her teeth as well. "I only recently infected her," Dora said. "The side effects have only just begun."[Metal Snake: Side effects from an infection? I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure when people get infections, there’s only main effects to worry about.] "Excellent work, Pandora," Astenias said. "Now, I have a new task for you while you leave Miss Procter here to transform."[Metal Snake: I need you to look after my box for me, willya?] "And what is this new task, master?" Dora asked.[Metal Snake: Is it to change my alias name to my real name because 70s either forgot or doesn’t care?] This time, it sounded like she had emotions. She was thirsty. Thirsty for the approval of Astenias.[Metal Snake: The approval of Astenias is a pretty great drink, I hear.] "Jordin Blake..." Astenias said. "Ever since Hersht Gables was killed, she has been watching Bryan Errin, making sure we can't get to him. You must kill her."[Metal Snake: Jordin Blake...another name I briefly recall, yet triggers no actual memories. *looks back at Season 1 (third time now)* Oh. She was the “sexy girl” who only appeared to tell Astenias off in that one scene and then was vaguely described to be “watching Bryan” a short time later. Oh, and guess what. INCONSISTENCY POLICE! Jordin was also vaguely described to be “watching Bryan” BEFORE Hersht died. Come on 70s, re-reading your previous chapters can’t be that difficult if an idiot like me can do it…] For a second, Dora looked taken aback. She started to open her mouth to speak.[Metal Snake: She opened her mouth to speak? No way, I thought she’d open her nostrils.] "Is there a problem?" Astenias asked. "Do you have a problem with my orders?" He glared at her. She swallowed a lump in her throat as Arianna convulsed on the ground dramatically.[Metal Snake: Arianna is strangely willing to help the mood of this scene even after what these maniacs have done to her.] "No. No problem at all, master." "Good," Astenias said in the same robotic tone he always had. "Well, this trip to deliver Procter can't be good for your cover.[Metal Snake: The trip made her forget to put on her makeup.] You've missed a day of school. Get back there immediately, and pursue your task of killing Miss Blake when you do not have school."[Metal Snake: You’d think after Dora broke out of prison guns blazing that stealth wouldn’t be a concern anymore. Maybe the real concern is the importance of her education.] "Of course," Dora said, and left. Astenias swung his hand and slammed the door shut.[Astenias: Don’t let the door hit you on the way- Dora: OW! Astenias: Ha ha, you drunk.] ~~~ ("I Turn My Camera On" by Spoon [listen here- throughout the scene) Bryan, Jake, Morgan, Anna, Naomi, and Seth arrive at the college fair. They feel overwhelmed as they see all the booths.[Metal Snake: Oh, the storytelling changed to present tense all of a sudden, sweet.] Bikini Bottom University. WaterFalls Tech. Rock Bottom Technical School. Rock Bottom University. Coralwood School of the Arts, and so much more. Then there was a certain booth that caught their attention: Bikini Top University - OPENING NEXT YEAR![Metal Snake: NEXT YEAR IS WHEN IT OPENS SIGN UP NOW OHMYGODYOUFUCKINGPUSSIES] They all dropped their mouths at the same time, positively gaping. They all went to the booth. ~~~ Mitchell was in the guest room, unpacking his things while Larry and Tori were arguing. "I can't believe you would do this to me," Tori said. "It's almost our eighteenth anniversary and you're doing this to me. Cheating on me. Using my father's money to do it. The money that puts this roof over our heads.[Metal Snake: *screeching sound of a car coming to a stop* Something’s not adding up in this paragraph... Eighteenth anniversary...your father’s money puts a roof over your heads… First of all, if they’re a married adult couple, shouldn’t they be making money to pay their own bills? And second, INCONSISTENCY POLICE! Tori and Larry told Jake they got married when he was six months old, split up when he was a year old, and got back together when he was four and a half. Jake is still in high school, do the math. They could not have been married for eighteen years with that discrepancy.] Did you think you could get away with this, you sick bastard?" He sat there. "You really have nothing to say?" Tori yelled. "You've had nothing to say for hours! God damn it, just say something!" "I love you, Tori," said Larry.[Metal Snake: Oh please, you’d have a better chance of getting out of this by going, “I WAS FROZEN TODAY!”] "Then why would you do this?" said Tori, tears streaming down her face. "Why would you break my heart like this, Larry? I thought we loved each other, but I don't know if I believe that anymore if you're treating me this way." "Well what are we going to do?" Larry asked. "I think we need to be apart for a while," Tori said.[Metal Snake: I THINK WE NEED TO BE APART, LISA!] ~~~ ("Down With the Sickness" by Disturbed [listen here - ] plays throughout the scene) [Metal Snake: MADNESS IS THE GIFT THIS SPIN-OFF’S GIVEN TO ME!] Astenias was sitting on his throne, while Arianna slowed down with her writhing on the ground in pain. After a while, she stops. She stands up, and wipes the blood from her lips. "Where... am I?" she asks. "What's going on?"[Metal Snake: Don’t even worry about the blood on your lips! It’s just ketchup!] "I'm Astenias," Astenias told her. "And you're like me now. Well, you're not as powerful, but that's okay. No one is. You will need some fine tuning, and we'll do that."[Metal Snake: Fine tuning? Arianna and Astenias are machines? I guess that explains the robotic speaking.] ~~~ ("No Sleep Tonight" by The Faders [listen here - ] plays throughout the scene) Temperance was at her house, and Mikayla came into her room. "Hey," Mikayla said. "What do you want?" Temperance said angrily.[Metal Snake: EHYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH, WHAT DO YA WANT?!] "To know what's going on with you lately," Mikayla said. "Mom has cancer, and my life sucks," Temperance said.[Metal Snake: At least 70s remembered Temperance’s mother had cancer. I doubt it’ll impact anything in the long run though, just like every other subplot up to this point.] "So that's what's been going on with me lately. Oh, and me and Bryan had sex, and it was a huge mistake." "Do you think Mom having cancer is easy for me to deal with?" Mikayla said. "No. But I'm dealing with it, and I'm not being a bitch. You can do that too. As for having sex, you'll live. Now just... stop being so unpleasant. We were finally getting along as sisters and as a family and then you start acting like a little brat. So just stop it!"[Metal Snake: Damn, you go girl. Best paragraph in the spin-off, calling it now.] "Get out of my room!" Temperance yelled. "Get the hell out!"[Metal Snake: Okay, sorry to be stealing your spotlight with these The Room references Jjs, but I can’t help it… ] ~~~ "I can't believe there's gonna be a college in Bikini Top," Morgan said.[Metal Snake: There isn’t a college there already? Some “town” this is.] "I know," Anna said. "It's so cool." "We can all stay here and go to college together!" Bryan said. "I don't know if I want to," Naomi said. "What?" Morgan said. "You can't leave us."[Metal Snake: DON’T FALL AWAY!] "My plan is to go to Coralwood and pursue my acting dreams though..." Naomi said. "I'm gonna go to the School of the Arts there and try to get some acting jobs."[Metal Snake: INCONSISTENCY POLICE! I thought acting was something you were being forced to do by your mother! It’s obvious you hated it, so why do you want to devote years of your life to studying it now?! Holy crap 70s, I’ve called the Inconsistency Police five times in the same episode.] "Well, that is your dream..." Morgan sighed. "Anyways, this works perfectly for me and Jackie," Jake said. "We can get married and stay together, and I can still go to college." No one said anything. "What?" Jake asked.[Metal Snake: My gosh Jake, is silence that difficult to understand?] "We don't... approve of the marriage," Morgan said. "We were planning an intervention, bro," Bryan said.[Metal Snake: I love how they’re saying they don’t approve of it as if they’re his parents and their word is the final say.] "What?" Jake asked, shocked. "Getting married is a really bad idea, Jake," Anna said. "Totally," Naomi said, and nodded her head.[Metal Snake: Yeah, marrying young is totally not cool. *nods*] "I can't believe you guys feel that way," Jake said. "And you let me go this long thinking you were okay with all of this. Why didn't you tell me?" "We knew you would be upset, and you would just realize it was wrong…[Metal Snake: They KNEW he would realize it was wrong? Well they’re not very good soothsayers since it doesn’t look like their prediction came true.] but it's been a while, and you haven't backed out of the engagement, so it's time to tell you this is insane!" said Morgan, growing impatient. "We're just looking out for you, Jake."[Metal Snake: Oh, and just reminding you, your curfew’s at eight.] ~~~ ("Back in Black" by AC/DC plays throughout the scene) Astenias was training Arianna so she could live up to her standards. He taught her to communicate with animals. He taught her to move extremely fast.[Metal Snake: ...What.] He taught her to fly. And then, he fought her. Her punches were accurate, and fast.[Metal Snake: No...stop…] Her kicks were powerful. She was agile. She was amazing. She was ready to return to Bikini Top.[Metal Snake: STOP! 70s, there are things I can excuse, and things I can NOT excuse. I can excuse all the mediocre writing, poorly thought out characterization, lack of proofreading, and inconsistencies up to this point, but now, you have gone too far! What. the hell. is this. You did that training montage scene ALL WRONG. I’ll even tell you step by step what’s wrong… First of all, the music choice. AC/DC? AC/DC is a good band, but they’re one of the last bands I’d want to listen to during a corny training montage. Wouldn’t this be a good time to hear “Push it to the Limit” or “Eye of the Tiger”? Second, how is Arianna gaining the physical capability to perform all these feats? Working out? Eating raw eggs? Eating cereal dramatically? Even Dragon Ball explained how the characters learned and trained to obtain superhuman strength and speed. Third, communicating with animals? Yeah Astenias, it really helps your subordinates to talk to inherently pure beings when you’re an evil soul with evil plans for the world that we still hardly know. Finally, this training montage was rushed to kingdom freaking come. It was basically, “Astenias taught Arianna 2 + 3. Arianna answered 5. Arianna was correct. Arianna super-smart now!” What the hell’s the point of explaining how she obtains the powers if you’re not going to do it properly? My freaking lord, was that scene pointless.] ~~~ The gang was grabbing pamphlets for Bikini Top University when they saw someone they didn't want to see enter the room - Liam.[Metal Snake: They could never look at him the same way after they found out his name spelled backwards was “Mail”.] Jake and Bryan were clenching their fists. "I'm gonna kill that guy," Bryan said. "I will rip off his hand and then shove it down his throat," Jake said. "Then--"[Metal Snake: Don’t drop the soap, you two.] "--Neither of you will do anything!" Morgan said. "It's fine." "He has to pay for what he did," Bryan said. "He has to." "He's a sick bastard," Jake said.[Metal Snake: Your requiem in the shower.] "Who is he?" Seth asked. "The guy who raped her and abused her," Naomi said. Seth was now clenching his fists as well.[Metal Snake: Is this Seth’s only role in this spin-off? To learn about stuff we already know and react?] "Seriously guys, simmer down," Anna said. "We're out in public." "Fine," Jake said. "He does have to pay for what he did though," Naomi pointed out. "He will pay," Morgan said.[Metal Snake: We get he’s “going to pay”, damn it. These kids sound like the kind of people who would tell someone they lent five dollars every two hours to pay them back.] "We'll figure something out." "Why not just go to court?" Seth asked. "I've probably waited too long," Morgan said. "Most of the physical evidence is probably gone by now."[Metal Snake: Wow, that bruise on your stomach healed quickly.] "You won't know unless you try," Seth said. "He's right," Anna said. "You've got to try."[Metal Snake: Enough. Redundant. Dialogue. Seriously...Enough.] "I guess that can't hurt," Morgan said. ~~~ ("Fade to Black" by Metallica [listen here- ] plays throughout the end montage) Arianna goes to the police station, and says, "Who killed my family? Who did it? What's happening?"[Metal Snake: Arianna: *bangs on the front door of the police station* ANSWER ME DOOR! And oh how I hope that she’s at the Inconsistency Police station. ] Anna goes to Molly's house to find her kissing a girl. Careful she's not seen, she drives away.[Metal Snake: Proofread Neglect Police! Careful not to be seen.] Larry packs his things and leaves while Tori cries. Jake and Jackie go to talk, and they both say that they should end the engagement. They're both relieved, and Jackie gives him the ring back. Morgan goes on her phone and says, "I'd like to report a rape." Dora finds Jordin, and Jordin says, "Hey, sis." Temperance drives to Bikini Top Bridge, and jumps off.[Metal Snake: What. No, no, no. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU KILL OFF A MAIN CHARACTER. You can not just say in passing that she drove to a bridge and jumped off after one fight with her sister. Nuh uh. Not buying it. You need to have sufficient build-up otherwise no one’s going to give a shit! Like how I don’t now!] The screen fades to black.[Metal Snake: Oh, we’re in a movie theater all of a sudden. Where in the hell is my seat?] MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP "I Can't Hear You" by The Dead Weather "Black Betty" by Ram Jam "Don't Panic" by Coldplay "Paint it Black" by The Rolling Stones "I Turn My Camera On" by Spoon "Down With the Sickness" by Disturbed "No Sleep Tonight" by The Faders "Back in Black" by AC/DC "Fade to Black" by Metallica That was so much fun to write. Reviews would be the best thing ever.[Metal Snake: That was so much fun to riff. More lulziness would be the best thing ever. Oh wait…] 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wumbo Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 RIP Poorly Developed Temperance, hopefully you went to a better place. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 I would say "Great riffs!", but then I'd be rubbing my ego. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClassicNickelodeon Fan 1 Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 Looks like Temperance pulled a 70s for her death. Oh the irony. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpongeOddFan Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 RIP Poorly Developed Temperance, hopefully you went to a better place. RIP Sobbing Temperence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
So Sejima Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 I would say "Great riffs!", but then I'd be rubbing my ego. Horrible riffs. There ego is normal now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 Horrible riffs. There ego is normal now. Sorry, I don't follow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
So Sejima Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Sorry, I don't follow. great+horrible=average for your ego. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted June 28, 2014 Author Share Posted June 28, 2014 Bikini Top Season 2 21. To All of You 22. Look After You 23. Hallelujah 24. I'm Just A Kid 25. Gossip Hurl 26. Fade to Black 27. Eet: Spoiler And now, a new episode of Bikini Top! [Jjs: Alright, I'm back from my short vacation. Last time, I left a certain metallic snake in charge of riffing. Not that I really want to return to riffing this, though.] [Clappy: Meanwhile, I do want to return to riffing this shit so badly that Jjs is emailing me them to me so I can still keep my part in this. Can’t wait to see how many more sharks this former #1 spin-off can jump.] S2E7 (27)- Eet: [Jjs: It also seems that while I was gone on vacation, 70s invented a new word. What does that even mean? Is it supposed to be a pun of E.T.? *googles* Oh, it's a song. How much you guys wanna bet it'll be the song at the end montage, since that's 70s' favorite gag this season? Calling money on it now, you owe me $500.] [CNF: I owe you nothing bitch.] [Clappy: *writes apology letter to SOF* SOF, I am so sorry for calling any of your episode titles the worst episode titles of all time.] Previously on Bikini Top... If you missed the last episode of Bikini Top, you missed a dark treat, full of suspense and mystery. [Jjs: The only way this could be considered a "treat" is if it were a stale chocolate bar.] [JCM: And just like with chocolate bars, I want to puke after having too much of it.] [CNF: ] Tori's father Mitchell is in town again, and he reveals that Larry has been buying lingerie and staying in hotel rooms, meaning he cheated on Tori. The two decide they need to take a break. Bikini Top High School is also having a college fair that has the kids thinking of the future, and it is revealed that a college will be opening in Bikini Top the following year. All of the gang's seniors but Naomi plan to attend. Astenias also tells Dora to kill Jordin while he trains Arianna, and it is revealed that Dora and Jordin are sisters. Morgan reports her rape to the authorities at last. Jake and Jackie call off their engagement, and Jackie gives Jake the ring back. As Temperance's downward spiral continues, her relationships with her friends and Brenda and Mikayla suffer. Then, at the end of the episode, a Temperance that has given up jumps off of Bikini Top Bridge. [Clappy: DAMMIT TEMPERANCE! I SAID JUMP THE SHARK. NOT JUMP THE BRIDGE.] [JCM: Wow. I'm so not sorry that I missed all that.] Temperance had fainted after falling for a few seconds. Suddenly, Hersht swooped down. He grabbed the unconscious Temperance, and put her right back into the front seat of her boatmobile. Hours later, she woke up to discover that she was fine. The only casualty was that her hair had been messed up while falling, but that was no big loss. She was sure she had jumped. What had happened? Then, she realized it. It was an act of God. [Clappy: Oh man. Now we are going to see how 70s handles religion. I bet it’s as awful as every other subject matter he has brought up at this point.] [Trophy: HOW DO YOU FAINT WHEN FALLING OFF A BRIDGE!??! THAT ALONE IS THE ACT OF GOD!] [CNF: The fact that she even survived that jump is an act of god. And where the fuck did Hersht come from, out of Temperance's ass?] [Jjs: Didn't Hersht die? Why would he save her? Why do I even question anything that goes on in this anymore?] (Theme plays) [Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rasZzenuYxI ] [CNF: Since we're all doing it, I might as well do it too. ] ("Welcome To My Life" by Simple Plan [listen here - ] plays throughout the scene) [Jjs: While I was gone on vacation, it seems that 70s now puts video links into the "SONG PLAYS" scenes. Great, now I can't do my running gag anymore. Oh well, at least we can still see if these songs match the scenes. At least this one matches the mood of this spin-off so far, as does this entire group.] [Clappy: You know 70s….you are asking too much of me to have my least favorite song of all time to play throughout an entire scene. To add on top of that, you expect me to take your spin-off seriously while I read your god awful train wreck. I deserve to be compensated for this struggle you are about to make me endure.] [JCM: Welcome to my riff. Please remember to wipe your feet before entering.] Naomi woke up, feeling horrible cramps. Cramps so horrible that she was crying and screaming. Veera came into the room, looking concerned. [CNF: Folks, we're about to have a baby!] "Mom! What's going on!?" she yelled. [Trophy: Good question.] Veera had a feeling what was going on, but she didn't want to answer the question. [JCM: Answering questions is so lame, and Veera wants to be the cool mom.] "We need to get you to the hospital," Veera said. "Why?" Naomi said. "Mom, what's happening?" [Clappy: Seriously? You have to go to the hospital. You have a “bun in the oven”. I think it’s obvious what this is about.] "It's going to be okay, Naomi," Veera told her. "Now let's just get to the hospital. I'll call Trevor on the way too." "Why do you need to call him?" Naomi asked. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" [Clappy: Oh gee I don’t know. Is it because what’s going on involves his seed in your uterus?] [Trophy: WHY THE HELL ARE WE YELLING?] [CNF: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU A DUMBASS YOU'RE IN LABOR FOR FUCK'S SAKES.] [JCM: am i doing it right] [Jjs: Best Female Spin-Off Character, folks!] "Shh, shh..." Veera said, trying her best to console her daughter. "Everything is going to be alright. Let's go." [Clappy: Translation: Everything is not going to be ok because nothing is ever ok in Bikini Top. I bet you guys anything Naomi either miscarries or the baby is born early and needs additional medical attention to save it from dying. Just watch me….I swear I’m not going to scroll down to see if I’m right. I know that I already am anyway.] ~~~ ("Ignorance" by Paramore [listen here- ] plays throughout the scene) Morgan got a call on her phone from the police station. She was asked to go there. She did so, and they started asking her questions about the rape. [Clappy: IT TOOK YOU THREE EPISODES TO FINALLY CALL THE POLICE?] "How long ago did the alleged rape take place?" "A little more than a month ago," Morgan said. "Okay.... Why did you wait this long to come to the authoritites?" [Trophy: Good question counter: 2] [CNF: Cause half the chicks in Bikini Top are dumbasses.] [Grammar Police: Did you mean: authorities] [JCM: When the authorities can't even spell "authorities", you know that they're incompetent.] "I was scared. Confused. I was just... afraid." "I understand. Well thank you for coming by." [CNF: That was a quick interrogation.] [Clappy: WHAT. THE ACTUAL. FUCK? 70S. THE POLICE STATION IS NOT A FAST FOOD CHAIN DRIVE THRU. YOU DON’T PLACE AN ORDER AND JUST WALK OUT. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EMERGENCY CENTERS WORK? YOU FILE A REPORT AND ACTUALLY GIVE THE NAME OF THE PERSON AND WHERE HE LIVES SO THEY CAN ARREST THIS BASTARD. GOD MAN. YOU SERIOUSLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW SOCIETY FUNCTIONS…DO YOU?] [Jjs: "Hello, I'd like an arrest of Liam with a side of a restraining order to go."] Morgan left, and on the way out she saw Arianna leaving as well with a devilish grin on her face. [CNF: ] [JCM: Her heart shrank three sizes that day.] [Clappy: Surprised it wasn’t a rape face.] [Trophy: AH DON'T RAPE ME!] ~~~ ("Dream City" by Free Energy [listen here- ] plays throughout the scene) Bryan, Morgan, Anna, Seth, and Jackie were at the Smoothie Shack while Jake was working, along with SpongeBob and Patrick. [Trophy: *sees SpongeBob and Patrick, spits out smoothie on Jake's face*] [Jake: OH FUCK YOU MAN, I JUST GOT THIS CLEANED!] [Trophy: Yeesh, I can't do a good spit-take anymore.] [Jjs: WHOA! Sorry, it just surprises me to see SpongeBob characters in this still.] [Clappy: Ok…I’m sick of 70s forcing SpongeBob characters into his spin-off. Either have these guys do something more than just being name recognition porn or don’t include them at all.] "Guys... I'm worried about Jake," Jackie said. "Things haven't been going well since we broke off the engagement, but I think it's mostly because of his parents separating. What can we do?" [Trophy: Have Bryan spit in his face?] "I think we just need to do nothing," Bryan said. "We're guys. We can deal with this type of stuff on our own." [Clappy: Erm no. You are his friend jackass. You need to be there to support him.] [JCM: Bros over hoes! Dicks over chicks! Guys over gals! We're men! *barks like a dog*] "That's a stupid stereotype and you know it," Morgan said. [JCM: That's exactly what a girl would say!] [Trophy: What do you all know about stereotypes anyway?] "Jake is our friend and we've got to do something to help him." [Clappy: Whoa, since when did you, Morgan, become so trustworthy with your friends? These were the same people that you didn’t want to talk about getting raped and violently abused with.] They stopped talking as Jake came by with their smoothies. He sat down with them. "Hey guys," he said, trying to hide the melancholy in his voice. "Hey Jake," they all said. Then Temperance came bursting through the door, coming to their usual table. [CNF: 2nd time this episode a character came out of nowhere.] "Hey guys!" she said rather cheerfully. She was wearing bright, perfectly ironed clothes and her hair was perfectly done into a bun, and she wore very high heels and a lot of makeup, [JCM: Just because you're Christian now doesn't mean you always have to dress like you're going to church.] [Trophy: OK, I'm done. Pain Bot's taking over for me.] [Pain Bot: All I know is pain.] [CNF: You're about to experience pain like you've never experienced before.] something uncharacteristic of the Temperance they knew, and from the wrinkled clothes and bed-headed hair with beat-up sneakers they had become accustomed to in the last two months. "I tried to kill myself last night, and God saved me." [CNF: ] [JCM: Wait, isn't God Neptune in your world?] [Jjs: Not in the world of Bikini Top.] [Clappy: From being a depressed sad sap to anorexic to suicidal and now to devote Christian? Since when did Temperance become the Meg Griffin of Bikini Top?] ~~~ ("Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi [listen here- ] plays throughout the scene) [Clappy: Ouch. This song choice working with underwater vampires. Ouch. It hurts.] Dora and Jordin had been talking, and catching up. Then they slept. [Clappy: Together?] [CNF: Lesbian relationship Numero 2.] Dora woke up first, and she went towards Jordin's throat with the knife that she had used to kill the Procters, [JCM: She's into some kinky stuff.] [Pain Bot: YAY FOR PAIN ABOUT TO GO ON!] then Jordin grabbed her fin. [Jjs: Vampires have fins?] "What the hell are you doing?" Jordin asked. [Clappy: Said everyone who reads this spin-off ever.] Dora sighed. "That guy you joined up with... Astenias," Jordin said. "He's making you do this, isn't he? Because I'm protecting Errin." [CNF: Astenias is a guy?] [JCM: His mother must have really hated him to name him that.] [Clappy: No, he’s only doing it to cover up the fact that his name is Astenias...seriously what kind of name is that for a vampire?] Dora sighed again. "Sister, tell the truth." [Pandora: I'm named after a Danny Phantom character.] "Yes, that's what's going on." [Clappy: *sighs* Now the rest of my vampire group is going to make fun of me for not being a cold-hearted killer.] "And you were going to do it?" Jordin asked. "We were never that close anyways," Dora said, and she lunged towards her sister with the knife. Jordin dodged it, and took it. She threw the bloody knife from the mountain they were staying on. [JCM: Wait, they were sleeping on a mountain? Wouldn't that be sort of uncomfortable?] [Jjs: Maybe they are on Broke Back Mountain. Hehe...whoever gets my reference gets a cookie.] "If we do this, we do it without knives," she said, and braced herself for a fight... to the death. [CNF: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5ZY8Fz9GGU ] [Pain Bot: PAIN ALL I KNOW IS TO WATCH PAIN AND I'M GLAD FOR IT OH WAIT IT'S BIKINI TOP SO THIS WILL BE A HALF ASSED MONTAGE MOST LIKELY FUCK YOU ALL I WENT TO COLLEGE FOR LITTLE BUDDIES THAT WERE SWALLOWED BY SILKIE!] [Clappy: You know for a supernatural chick fight, this is a very underwhelming set up. Maybe if 70s didn’t make his ever so important creatures of the night so boring, this would actually be badass. But they lost any chance of being badass the moment they went back to fix the prison they broke out of.] ~~~ ("Twist and Shout" by The Beatles [listen here- ] plays throughout the scene) [CNF: After reading this entire scene, this upbeat song does not fit for a supposedly serious scene.] [JCM: I'll twist and shout if I have to bear any more of this vampire drama.] Mitchell was still staying with Tori. [Clappy: Short. Sweet. To the point. Now we won’t have to listen to any forced dialogue….] "You did the right thing," he told her. [Clappy: OH COME ON 70S. YOU JUST SUMMARIZED THIS ALREADY.] "I wish I believed that," she said. "I love him." "I know you do," he told her. "This is never easy. Divorce is a tricky business." [Pain Bot: Just like trying to get Mario fanboys to play a SEGA game, you have to kill em!] "Who said anything about divorce?" Tori asked. [JCM: Your father did. Just a few seconds ago.] "Well surely that's what you're doing," Mitchell said. "As of now that's undecided," said Tori. "We're just taking a break." "You don't want that. Then he might cheat on you during the separation and then you'll want to get back together and he'll pull a Ross from Friends [Pain Bot: OH GOD STOP WITH THE REFERENCES! IF YOU'RE UNDERWATER THEN STAY UNDERWATER!] [CNF: I really don't want to see the undersea bootlegged version of Friends.] [JCM: I wonder if it's as popular there as it is in China.] and say that you were on a break -- I've been watching Friends lately. Sue me." [Clappy: You possibly couldn’t have been because the dialogue on Friends isn’t this forced.] "Not the time for jokes," Tori said. "But seriously, how great is Friends?" [Clappy: Great enough to clearly break away from whatever they were talking about that was of mass importance….how great is Friends?] "Oh, I know," Mitchell agreed. "Phoebe is a hoot. [CNF: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAA1xgTTw9w plus how does Friends have any relevance to the topic of divorce? Oh right, IT DOESN'T.] [Clappy: I’m fully convinced now that 70s doesn’t want to try writing compelling dialogue. He just wants to talk about topics of relevance like Phineas & Ferb, SOF, social media, music, and now Friends.] But anyways... isn't divorce the only option?" [JCM: There's also the option of killing him in his sleep. There's been a lot of that going on lately.] "As I said, I love him, Dad," said Tori. "And every marriage has hard times." "These aren't hard times, sweetie," said Mitchell. "He cheated on you. You should divorce him. End of story." "But things just aren't that black and white. They're shades of gray." [CNF: I have 50.] "Now that I heard on Greek," Mitchell said. [CNF: And I hear 70s.] [JCM: Greek isn't the type of show that I'd imagine a middle-aged man (or fish or whatever) watching in his spare time.] [Clappy: And now Greek….STOP WITH THE POP CULTURE REFERENCES. THEY AREN’T EVEN FISH.] "That doesn't make it less true, Dad," Tori said. "It's insightful." "What will you do, then?" "I don't know," Tori said. "This is a horrible decision to make. I don't know how people do it, honestly. Plus, there's Jake to worry about... I don't even know how he feels about all of this." [CNF: Hmm, I'd assume shitty considering the fact that HIS FUCKING PARENTS MIGHT GET A DIVORCE.] "Have you talked to him?" "No, but he knows. [JCM: Because he can read minds!] He heard us fighting. Bryan, too." Mitchell sighed. "I can't give you any advice. I don't know what to do here either." "Hmm..." "Want to watch Modern Family? I tell you, it's hilarious. It will completely cheer you up, I guarantee it." He pulled out the show's Season One DVD. [CNF: Are you fucking kidding me? That's your suggestion to a serious problem? Throw a sitcom into the DVD player?] [JCM: Three television shows randomly brought up in one scene! This must be a new record!] "I suppose," Tori said. [Clappy: HAHAHAHAHA! NOW THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT MODERN FAMILY. IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S RELEVANT AND IT’S ANOTHER SHOW 70S WAS OBSESSED WITIH. YOU ARE KILLING ME MAN…..STOP IT.] ~~~ ("Winter" by Joshua Radin [listen here- ] plays throughout the scene) Naomi was laying on a hospital bed, crying. She had just had a miscarriage. [Clappy: LMAO REALLY? I CALLED IT. I KNEW THAT SOMETHING BAD WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO THIS BITCH. NOW WATCH AS SHE GOES BACK TO DOING DRUGS TO COPE WITH THIS.] [Pain Bot: Great. We suffered through that pain of a plot for no reason. MY PAIN!] [CNF: Well...I kinda got the labor thing right, didn't I?] [Jjs: Well...at least we don't have to suffer another baby who will probably be forgotten or get five seconds of screen time as it is. I think that's ten times worse than a miscarriage in this world at this point.] Trevor walked in. "What the hell do you want?" she said between tears and heavy breaths. "To know how you're doing," he said. [JCM: Since her baby just died, I would assume that she isn't doing well.] "You've made it perfectly clear throughout the pregnancy you didn't want anything to do with this. You've been avoiding me. You're probably happy this happened." [Pain Bot: We all are actually.] [Clappy: Another classy moment from everyone’s favorite self-obsessed bitch. Naomi, if I’m not mistaken, Trevor didn’t exactly avoid you. You were avoiding him. You were the one who didn’t want him involved with this pregnancy. You were only thinking about yourself. You were the one so obsessed with how everyone thought they would perceive you that you at all costs were embarrassed to be pregnant. So calm your tits and quit thinking the worst of everyone. But I know you aren’t going to do either of those so I’m just going to sit here in misery over another annoying Naomi obsessed scene.] "How could I be happy about this?" Trevor asked. "It was my kid. And yeah, I was avoiding you. I just didn't know what to do. I was scared." [Clappy: Okay, so scratch that. He was avoiding her. Well in that case…I actually don’t blame him. I mean it is Naomi. The master of subtlety.] Naomi didn't say anything, but continued breathing heavily and stifling loud sobs. Trevor leaned in and kissed her. "It's gonna be okay." [JCM: "Not the baby, of course, but everything else will totally be fine!"] "Get off me, and don't you say that!" she said. [Clappy: So you want him to be honest with you? OH OH OH PICK ME. I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.] "Just believe me, this will all be okay," he said. She didn't believe him. [Clappy: And of course she doesn’t.] [Pain Bot: What was the point of this exactly?] [CNF: Ugh, someone get me a shotgun.] ~~~ "What do you mean God saved you?" Morgan asked Temperance. "I jumped off of Bikini Top Bridge last night," Temperance said. "And I fainted. And when I woke up, I was in my boatmobile. God saved me." [JCM: Which still doesn't make any sense.] [Clappy: Hey, what do you know. I fainted and when I woke up, I was still riffing this spin-off. #GodSavedMe] [Jjs: I was strongly considering bringing Jesus in for all these "GOD SAVED ME" scenes, but I'll leave the Jesus calls to Wumbo, and the Lord is probably still recovering from his last episode. Don't worry, I expect more of this "GOD SAVING TEMPERANCE" subplot to continue for a while...] "That's impossible," Jackie said. "You were probably just dreaming." "Yeah," Jake agreed, though he wasn't paying attention. His mind was on his parents. [CNF: This would be more hilarious if Temperance announced she was pregnant.] "Jake, we have to talk about this!" Morgan said. "I'm worried about you." [Clappy: I’m clearly not worried about my suicidal friend who believed to receive a message from God. I’m worried about this dickhead named Jake who is not being his normal dickheaded self.] [Pain Bot: Are you talking about Temperance and God, or Jake anymore?] [CNF: I love how the conversation just changes with the snap of a finger.] "Same here," Bryan said. "Seriously, you're acting weird lately." [Clappy: You’re not acting like a dickhead with me.] "My parents are getting divorced," Jake said. "I can deal with it." "Did they say they were getting divorced?" Seth asked. [JCM: No, but he can read minds.] "They don't need to. My dad cheated on my mom. Now she has to divorce him, and it will be official -- I'm from a broken home." [Clappy: Now she has to divorce him? You know, there is always Option B and try to work things out. Yeah cheating is a bad thing and 95% of the time leads to divorce, but that’s because it’s the easy way out.] "What's wrong with that?" Bryan asked. "My parents are divorced. I'm fine." [Clappy: No Bryan. You are not fine. None of you are fine. That’s why we are riffing this show.] [CNF: I thought your parents died. Or maybe they did in my mind since they're forgettable.] [Jjs: Oh right, finally an explanation on why Gordan and Zoe (Bryan's parents) were separated. Was it really that hard to say it back in Season 1? Too bad Bryan also seems to forget his dad died. Then again, so do we.] "You're parents [JCM: You are parents.] [Grammar Police: Did you mean: Your parents] [Jjs: Actually, screw the Grammar Police, thank you Metal Snake for the new squad: PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE.] have been divorced since you were three. You don't have memories of them being together, and how good things were before. You don't know." "My parents are divorced too, Jake," Morgan said. "My mom and dad just got divorced." [Clappy: And it’s only Season 2. We have many more seasons for everyone else’s parents to get divorced.] "Your mom and dad were never really married anyways. They were hardly together," Jake said. [JCM: Douchebag Jake is back, everybody!] "Stop," Anna said. "You're being mean. Just because you're upset doesn't mean you can be insensitive." "Whatever," Jake said. [Clappy: Shows you Anna. He can still be an insensitive asshat.] [JCM: Yeah, why be sensitive to her? It's not like she just got raped or anything.] [Pain Bot: W'ever.] [CNF: ] ~~~ ("Vampire" by Death SS [listen here- ] plays throughout the scene) [Jjs: OH HAHA I GET IT] Hersht arrived. He knocked on the door loudly. [JCM: Where did he arrive? Whose door is he knocking on? For someone so obsessed with details, 70s can miss out on some big ones.] "Identify yourself!" Astenias boomed. "You know who I am..." Hersht roared. He kicked down the door. [Clappy: I don’t….*re-reads riffs of Season 1*….oh yeah…this guy…] "You're... alive?" Astenias said. "I should have foreseen it. How could a hit from a boatmobile kill one of us?" [Pain Bot: ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!] [Jjs: Wow, so an ancient and powerful vampire leader can't tell if a boatmobile kills one of his own or not. I'm just going to let that sink in for the audience.] [Clappy: You know. For this all seeing leader of the undersea vampires or whatever, he really should have been able to realize that vampires are immortal for a reason.] "Don't act like you didn't know," Hersht said. "You did. This entire time. You sent Pandora to Jordin in the hopes that they would kill each other, because you were done with Pandora and Jordin is useless to you." "You are clever. I grant you that." [JCM: No, he can read minds.] "Not exactly," Hersht said. [Clappy: These two quotes back to back summarize Bikini Top in a nutshell.] "I've been watching you. Jordin and I are in alliance." "I honestly didn't know that," Astenias said. [Clappy: Once again….ALL SEEING.] [bill Cipher: But I did, I know all, and see all. *shows scary montage of knowing everything*] Hersht said nothing. "Why are you here?" Astenias asked. "To kill you and end this..." Hersht said. [Pain Bot: I can help with that. *shows arsenal of weapons* Take your pick.] "You know you can't do that," Astenias said. "Especially not alone. Now get out before I kill you." [Clappy: Whoa, look out. We have a “badass” over here.] "No," Hersht said. He went towards Astenias and looked at his evil, red eyes and white hair. He punched him square in the face. [JCM: So I guess that's a "no" for the dinner party.] "I said go," Astenias said. "Final warning." Hersht left in a huff. [CNF: *yawns* PAAAAAAAAAAAAADING.] [Clappy: God these undersea vampires are super disappointing….and massive pussies tbh.] ~~~ ("Pepper" by Butthole Surfers [listen here- ] plays throughout the scene) [CNF: I'd rather let my butthole surf than be exposed to the wonders of Bikini Top.] [Jjs: That was clearly just 70s' way of pleasing the 2010 Dragiiin and Elastic.] While Tori and Mitchell were watching Modern Family, there was a ring on the doorbell. Mitchell paused the DVD while Tori got the door. It was Larry. "Hey honey," he said. "What the hell are you doing here?" Tori asked. "I just had to see you," Larry said. [JCM: In between the hookers he was seeing as well.] "We're separated. I don't want to see you," Tori said. "Now get off my property." She slammed the door in his face. [Clappy: This scene honestly serves no purpose except to probably service Elastic and his Butthole Surfers fandom.] [Pain Bot: Pointless scene counter: 2. Counter counters: 2.] [CNF: Can I bring in the Padding police yet?] [Padding Police Officer: This story has been sentenced to a max of 10 years in prison.] ~~~ ("Numb" by Linkin Park [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXYiU_JCYtU ] plays throughout the scene) Dora repeatedly punched Jordin in the face. Jordin fought her off and kicked her. They had been fighting all day, and there was no sign of an ending. [Pain Bot: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0e5AmPabEus ] [CNF: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jK-NcRmVcw ] Jordin picked Dora up and threw her off the mountain, and she flew back up, returning with a kick in the face. Then they continued, fist to fist. Jordin ran towards Dora and Dora tripped her. She stumbled and fell off the mountain, then flew back up. Now she had a realization. [JCM: That getting kicked in the face really hurts?] [Pain Bot: That I have to get in contact with Lord Hater to put Trophy in his torture room for putting me through this?] [Clappy: ….well gee 70s, thanks for throwing us this description together whatsoever without telling us these two ran into each other to begin with. Btw, want to know how lame and amazingly unrealistic these fight sequences are? Tripping her? Vampire combat includes….tripping? God these things are disappointing.] "I know what this is!" Jordin yelled. "No," Dora said. "Don't talk." [Pain Bot: STOP YOUR HYPOCRISY!] "No!" Jordin screeched. "This must end. Astenias only wants the two of us to die." [Clappy: Then why the fuck are you two fighting to begin with?] "Why would you say that? Astenias values me!" Dora said, and punched Jordin again. "He doesn't. He's using you, just like he uses everyone," Jordin said. "Please. I'm your sister. You must believe me." [JCM: Because she can read mi-oh, I've used that joke enough.] Dora stopped fighting. "Fine. Now what?" [Pain Bot: So much for no sign of stopping then.] "We wait. Hersht will be back soon." "Hersht is alive?" "Oh, yes. He was never dead." [M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!] [CNF: OMGZ SO SHOCKING.] [JCM: This would be more of a twist if we didn't already see Hersht performing dues ex machinas and trying to act badass.] [Clappy: Can I please throw this whole scene off the mountain?] ~~~ Arianna returned to her house, where her parents had been killed. Since she was eighteen, she was allowed to live alone. Astenias told her she had to stay in Bikini Top for a while before doing what she had to. [Pain Bot: Pointless scene counter: 3] [Clappy: What, no hit pop music? Pointless. Absolutely pointless.] [CNF: ] [Jjs: You know, I think I finally have a head-canon on why a ton of scenes in this spin-off, particularly this episode, are so short. Remember the "RING!!!!!!" from Episode 24? That was the scene timer. It obviously went on too long, so it rung and went to the next scene. High five me.] ~~~ Anna went to Molly's house. She rang the doorbell, and Molly got the door. "Hey," Molly said. "Why haven't you been at school lately?" Anna asked. "And who was that girl you were kissing last night?" [JCM: She was so drunk she thought it was you.] "I haven't been at school because I didn't want to see you, because I was embarrassed..." Molly said. [Clappy: Ah yes. Ditch school for….actually I can’t even begin to pretend that I know how long it’s been because Bikini Top time constantly jumps anywhere from weeks to months without us knowing. I’m just going to guess that it’s been two to three months thanks to Naomi’s painfully bad pregnancy miscarriage storyline.] "You rejected me, and it hurt. And the girl last night was just a friend. We kissed, and it was a mistake." [Pain Bot: Making the mistake right when she was coming over, sure.] "I've been thinking..." Anna said, and she kissed Molly. "Is that a mistake?" [Pain Bot: OUT OF NOWHERE POLICE!] [Clappy: …………………………………….] Molly stood there for a minute before smiling. "No... definitely not." She kissed Anna. [Clappy: ……………………..] "See you at school on Monday?" Anna asked. "Definitely." [Clappy: ……………………………] [CNF: Jjs called it: AnnaxMolly - Lesbian Couple] [Jjs: Welp, I was indeed right. Too bad 70s fails to properly write a lesbian relationship once again.] [JCM: Manna would be a much better shipping name...wait, did I just say that?] ~~~ [Clappy: NO NO NO. STOP IT. I DON’T CARE WHAT UNFITTING POP MUSIC 70S HAS IN STORE FOR THIS NEXT SCENE. I’M NOT DONE BEING SPEECHLESS ABOUT HOW BAD AND FORCED THAT LESBIAN SHIPPING CAME UPON US. THAT WAS EMOTIONLESS. THAT WAS BORING. THAT LITERALLY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. NOT ONCE DID I GET ANY HINT THAT ANNA WAS ACTUALLY CONFUSED ABOUT HER SEXUALITY. JUST NO. THIS GUY HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE AS TO HOW FEELINGS AND ATTRACTION WORK.] ("Tik Tok" by Ke$ha [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iP6XpLQM2Cs ] plays throughout the scene) [Jjs: I'm sorry, but there's no way an upbeat pop song by Ke$ha could fit into what will most likely be another dry whining drama scene. You can try to justify all you want 70s, but it's not going to happen. Wait a second, didn't his DJ character at that dance last season call Ke$ha a whore? And now he's using a song of hers? Lulz.] [Clappy: ….wow how many times are you trying to grind my gears man? Just no. No. No. You seriously want us to imagine this? This song is far more unfitting to what’s probably about to happen. You seriously couldn’t have picked a worse choice to a druggie probably relapsing than this.] Naomi got home. She was still crying. She went straight to her room, crying and crying. She went through her phone, looking at contacts. Then she saw the one that she wanted. An old friend. One who could hook her up with something she needed. "Hey," Naomi said. "I've got money. Can you hook me up?" "Totally," the girl on the other line said. "Meet me at the grocery store in an hour." [Clappy: And I got her….grocery bag.] [Pain Bot: THIS CAUSES ME SO MUCH PAIN! Pointless scene counter: 4. Seriously, for all these short scenes they must really need to speed up the songs.] [JCM: I'm actually fine with this. The less of Tik Tok I have to listen to, the better.] [CNF: This totally won't lead to another drug addiction.] ~~~ ("Enter Sandman" by Metallica [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD-E-LDc384 ] plays throughout the scene) A spy came to see Astenias. [Clappy: Lol a spy?] [Jjs: Great description. What is the spy's name? Is he a fish? A vampire? VAGUENESS POLICE!] "What news do you bring?" he asked. "The Blake Sisters know what you were doing," the spy said. "Now Pandora has joined forces with him as well." "Damn," Astenias said. "Damn it!" [Jjs: Where's that DAMN fourth Chaos Emerald?] "Calm down," the spy said in a droll tone. [Clappy: My tits shall not remain calm!] "What did you say to me?" Astenias said. He went to the spy and choked him to death, while saying, "You people need to show me more respect. You have this life because of me. I gave it to you, and I sure as hell can take it away..." [Pain Bot: Pointless scene counter: 5.] [JCM: What's with the temper tantrum? Did you soil your diaper, Astenias?] [CNF: I'm about ready to get a shotgun and shoot the ever living fuck out of all the characters on this show.] [Clappy: I really need to dive into my problems with Astenias and his character one of these days, but I have bigger fish to fry….or spies to choke.] ~~~ Temperance went home, smiling. "You're so cheerful today," Mikayla commented at dinner. "And you're clean. And you're wearing bright clothes and bright makeup. You've never done that." "She's just having a good day," Tristan said. "Yes, let's not ruin it," said Brenda. "Good day doesn't explain the outfit, the hair, the makeup, and the shoes," Mikayla pointed out. [Pain Bot: Yes it does.] "I've found God," Temperance announced. [JCM: Wow, really? I had no idea!] [CNF: POINTLESS SCENE NUMBER 6!] [Jjs: Pics or it didn't happen.] [Clappy: Ok we get it 70s. She found God. That’s like the fourth time I’ve heard her say that. You sure know how to repeat yourself.] ~~~ Hersht arrived to the top of the mountain. Jordin and Dora welcomed him. "I see you discovered Astenias's ruse," he said. "It was a good enough plan, though it had a flaw. You two may have a bad relationship, but you are still sisters." The two nodded. They were slowly becoming closer. "Now what?" Jordin said. "We have to protect Bryan Errin and kill Astenias," Dora said. "Well then we have some work to do," Jordin said. [Clappy: ….the fuck does Bryan Errin have to do with any of this? Protect him from his over-religious suicidal girlfriend? I think my brain is fried at this point tbh.] [Pain Bot: Pointless scene counter: I think 6. I've been caused so much pain that I can barely remember.] [CNF: Nope, it's 7.] [JCM: Every scene in Bikini Top is a pointless scene.] ~~~ Morgan got a call on her phone. "This is the police station. Are you Morgan?" [Clappy: Why would she lie about a phone number on a police report?] "Yes," said Morgan. "I'm really sorry. We're calling to inform you that we don't think you have any case. You've waited too long. Any physical evidence of the rape will be long gone." [Pain Bot: Well hello rape #2 soon then, most likely.] [CNF: *coughdumbasscough*] [Clappy: …I don’t think I have ever read a bigger FUCK YOU to any sort of sense of logic then this incident right here. Like this plot line has become so bad that I can’t even rage at it. Like I just seriously want to apologize to any rape victim I have ever come across. All because this spin-off has no actual idea how rape accusations work. If someone files a report like this, it takes months to actually go through any case like this. The police takes all claims seriously and don’t throw out any cases because the victim in question waited too long to report. Sure I got frustrated that it took Morgan this long to call the police about this, but even then, she doesn’t deserve this sort of treatment 70s is making her go through. So Travis…I hope nothing like this ever happens to you. I hope you don’t think real life actually functions like this. Because if you do, then you are one messed up person.] ~~~ ("Eet" by Regina Spektor [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMEpaVL_WsU ] plays throughout the end montage) [Jjs: Ha, called it.] Jake was angry thinking about his father, and how much he hated him. [Clappy: Then your father must be the author of Bikini Top.] Astenias threw the body of the spy into the nearest abyss. "Pitiful. Worthless." [Clappy: Just like your character.] [JCM: Someone should really change his diaper.] [Jjs: I guess he's angry that he'll never find that 4th Chaos Emerald.] There was a knock on the door of Larry's hotel room. He opened the door, and three men entered the room. They started to fight him. [Clappy: ….what?] [Pain Bot: Larry can fight?] [CNF: Well that was random.] Temperance prayed. [CNF: Temperance The Nun.] [Jjs: Praying for a less painful episode to come.] [Clappy: OK WE GET IT. TEMPERANCE IS RELIGIOUS NOW. DO SOMETHING WITH THIS.] Anna and Molly talked on Fishbook. [JCM: Okay. That's good to know.] [CNF: Point-less.] [Clappy: Clappy does not like this fish status.] Tori stares at a picture of Larry, pondering if she's making the right decision. [Clappy: …the?] Bryan tried to comfort Jake, to no avail. [Clappy: Oh look. Bryan does have a soul.] Morgan cries, feeling cheated. [Clappy: You know, I actually don’t blame her. This excruciatingly bad plot twist cheats everyone.] Naomi buys painkillers from her 'old friend.' [Clappy: ONCE AGAIN LMAO. I NEED TO STOP BEING SO RIGHT. I feel genuinely bad for Veera though because Naomi is once again going to blame her for Naomi’s faults as a human being.] The hotel's maid enters the room, to see Larry murdered on the floor. [M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!] [Pain Bot: OUT OF NOWHERE POLICE 2!] [CNF: And we have our first death of the season! Or maybe not, it's hard to remember anything from this show.] [JCM: There was that spy who was just killed. Also, Arianna's parents. Since every death this season was caused by vampires, I wouldn't be surprised if this one was, too.] [Clappy: fuck?!?!?!?! OK THAT DOES IT. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HAVING A CLIFFHANGER AND JUST LAZY WRITING. THIS LARRY STORYLINE DRAGGED THIS ENTIRE EPISODE AND SUDDENLY YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING WITH IT NOW? I HONESTLY AM SICK OF REPEATING MYSELF HERE ABOUT THIS. FUCK OFF BIKINI TOP.] MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP "Welcome to My Life" by Simple Plan "Ignorance" by Paramore "Dream City" by Free Energy "Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi "Twist and Shout" by The Beatles "Winter" by Joshua Radin "Vampire" by Death SS "Pepper" by Butthole Surfers "Numb" by Linkin Park "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha "Enter Sandman" by Metallica "Eet" by Regina Spektor -- Good? Bad? Reviews are amazing. [JCM: Bad.] [Pain Bot: I can see why Trophy dumped this on me. Thank god for the next episode it's Lord Hater instead of either of us.] [CNF: It wasn't good. It wasn't bad. My review isn't amazing either: This was just pure boring shit. I can only wait with joy for what the Christmas episode holds...] [Clappy: Amazing this was not. You know, I’ve already asked enough on what the hell direction this spin-off is headed because it’s obviously not clear. But I think I finally found one aspect as to what 70s is trying to do. This is nearly every show 70s has ever been obsessed with into one giant clusterfuck: -Any MTV drama clone -Glee (not just with all the song inclusions…you’ll see what I mean) -The Vampire Diaries -Degrassi I’m done recapping this episode. This is Clappy signing off saying how about that Friends? *gets thrown off mountain*] [Jjs: Can I go back on vacation again?] 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted June 28, 2014 Share Posted June 28, 2014 Very good. Clappy's riffs were my favorite. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clappy Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 Very good. Clappy's riffs were my favorite. Glad to hear that my pain was your pleasure. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wumbo Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 #bringingjesusforthechristmasepisodes 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 Bikini Top Season 2 21. To All of You 22. Look After You 23. Hallelujah 24. I'm Just A Kid 25. Gossip Hurl 26. Fade to Black 27. Eet 28. Christmas Lights (Part 1): Spoiler [Wumbo: C'mon, it'll be fun.] [Jesus: No. I'm not doing this again.] [Wumbo: Aw, come on! It's a Christmas episode! Plus, I promised the guys I would bring you.] [Jesus: I will not stand for your mockery of Me-ianity any longer.] [Wumbo: ..."Me-ianity"?] [Jesus: Y'know, like Christianity... except I'm Christ, so... Me-ianity!] [Wumbo: Forgive me Lord, but that was lamer than a leper.] [Jesus: All right, I'll join. Just don't mock the lepers.] S2E8 (28)- Christmas Lights (1): [Jjs: A two-parter? That's unfortunate, considering I can barely survive one episode as it is.] [Hayden: Maybe the plots won't feel as rushed and out of nowhere since he's giving it two chapters to develop...positive thinking is power, you guys.] [Clappy: Oh boy. This won’t be a holly jolly Christmas. Guarantee that much.] [Trophy: Well since Pain Bot exploded from the last episode, and I am STILL recovering, welcome Lord Hater! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRMrTzuYwAs ] [Jesus: Lord Hater? Wumbo, you're going to pay for your sins.] [Wumbo: What? That wasn't even my fault!] [CNF: Aw shut up yah lousy bums, the show's starting!] Previously on Bikini Top... well, a lot. [CNF: A lot of stuff that I have likely forgotten by now.] Naomi has a miscarriage, and Trevor tries to comfort her, with no results. She buys painkillers from an old friend... relapse. [Lord Hater: I haven't even started yet, and I need some as well. PEEPERS, GET ME SOME NOW!] [Wumbo: What, is 70s experimenting with hashtag rap now?] Morgan decides that she wants to press charges against Liam, only to discover she has no case. Temperance survived her suicide attempt, and is convinced God saved her; she has become very religious.Tori and Mitchell bond while Tori tries to make her decision about Larry... who is murdered by three mysterious men at his hotel! [Wumbo: Well, that sure makes the decision easier.] Jake is upset about his mother and father having issues, but tries to hide it and does not confide in his friends. And then there's the stuff with Hersht, Astenias, Jordin, Dora, and Arianna, which is so epic that if you forgot something about it, you just need to read it again! [Wumbo: If it's so epic, why would I forget about it at all? Your statement contradicts itself.] [Clappy: Whoa whoa whoa. The vampire stuff is so epic? In what universe was any of that stuff epic? Absolutely nothing happened of any importance. I’d rather not go back and read any of that again.] Now, be prepared for part one of a Christmas spectacular! [Jjs: I bet it'll be as spectacular as last season's mopefest of a Christmas special.] [CNF: There was a Christmas special last season?] [Hayden: I think we all need to step back for a second and realize how incompetent 70s manages to be with something as simple as a recap.] [Jesus: We all know where the real Christmas spectacular is.] ("Courage Is..." by The Strange Familiar [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXrWRM0E6YA ] plays throughout the scene) The gang attends Larry's funeral. Jake just stands there, upsetting Jackie. [Lord Hater: What a beautiful way to start off a Christmas episode....with a funeral? Uh... Merry...Christmas?] [Jjs: Well that's just great. You spent ALL that time last episode building up to Larry's death, to now just have a random funeral in passing? I would feel offended if I actually cared about anything in this show.] [Clappy: RIP Larry. Glad to see how much detail and attention your funeral received. Only two sentences.] [Hayden: "Upsetting Jackie"? Bitch, stay out of this, you don't determine how he processes his emotions. It's his day to grieve, not try to cater to you.] Anna and Molly decide to go steady. Molly becomes a part of the group. [Clappy: Go steady? I doubt this relationship even makes it past three episodes from now.] [Jjs: Great, more estrogen for the group. We shouldn't be diving into another for the gang when Seth still hasn't done jack shit.] [Hayden: If this is the only thing 70s could think of to do with Anna, then I somehow doubt new group member Molly is going to get much of anything fascinating to do with a tacked on stereotype already.] [CNF: We need more men. Testosterone, roll out!] Temperance is giving Anna and Molly the cold shoulder, but no one knows why. [Jjs: Oh...I think we know where this is going. A religious figure....a lesbian couple... UH OH. And considering how 70s is handling religion as it is....yikes, I'm afraid to even see how this goes.] [Hayden: So because a vampire saved her from suicide, she now has a problem with homosexuality? Temperance keeps getting such natural transitions of character.] [Lord Hater: *flashes green lightning* AGH, OUT OF NOWHERE POLICE! As this Trophy fellow told me, we'd need them a lot in this story.] [Jesus: *sigh* People misunderstand my words so often in real life, so why not in this shitty spin-off too?] [CNF: Temperance is slowly becoming a less tolerable character for me.] Bryan is slightly annoyed by Temperance being religious, and that she has reclaimed her virginity and vowed not to have sex again. [Lord Hater: How is that physically possible? Ugh, I already know that this will be the one place I'll never conquer ever if I had to pick one.] [Jjs: I don't think you can reclaim your virginity after already doing it with Bryan. Or, after he put his "bun in your oven", in keeping with this show's wording.] [Clappy: To be fair Jjs, putting a bun in the oven means a woman is pregnant. However, reclaiming your virginity is simply impossible. I’d like to reclaim my sobriety from drinking as well.] [Hayden: So Bryan doesn't get any action now that his girlfriend is a nutjob. Serves him right. But it makes you think, shouldn't Temperance be pissed God gave her mother cancer right about now?] [Jesus: Okay, the homophobia I can unfortunately understand, but this is just baffling. News Flash, Temperance: Christians don't vow never to have sex. In fact, if you get married and don't have sex, you're a bad Christian. Temperance, you're a very bad Christian.] [Wumbo: Wow, is this entire episode just going to be about religion? I might not even need to be here! Jesus, you got this!] [Jesus: Don't you dare leave. I swear to myself I'll smite you.] [CNF: And there's the death blow. Alright, time to call a squad to take out Temperance.] Naomi has become isolated, and no longer talks to anyone in the group. [CNF: Remember kids, drugs are better than friendship!] [Clappy: I vote for her no longer talking. Period.] Jake and Jackie argue frequently, annoying their friends. [Jjs: So um...is this supposed to be a montage? Thanks for the heads-up...not.] [Hayden: Aren't these supposed to close the episode, not start them? GUYS, MAYBE IT'LL BE OVER QUICKER THAN WE THINK!] [Wumbo: Inaccurate. I'm annoyed as well.] Arianna goes back to school, and everyone feels sorry for her. [Clappy: I would feel sorry for her too. Going back to school to get an education. For shame.] [Wumbo: I'm just sorry she has to be in this spin-off at all.] [CNF: Arianna, quick! Use your vampire wings to fly out of this shithole!] Morgan and Seth form a close friendship, since they both have divorced parents. He visits her house often. [Clappy: For jex.] [Hayden: Something was finally established about Seth, a point pretty much every character has in common which now ties him to Morgan...I'd have preferred the friendship forming due to them both being raped but whatever, missed opportunity.] [Lord Hater: That's the only reason? Friendships need lots of good reasons to keep it stable. I'M AN EVIL OVERLORD AND I KNOW MORE ABOUT FRIENDSHIP FROM WANDER ALONE THAN THIS THING!] Astenias gains power while Hersht, Dora, and Jordin prepare to kill him. [Clappy: I agree with Jjs. The fuck was the point of this montage?] ~~~ ("One" by U2 [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pE9hubGnqQM ] plays throughout the scene) [Jesus: Oh, that Bono.] Jackie is playing with Charlea and watching her favorite drama, 56784, a show about privileged teens in Coralwood (56784 being its zip code). [Lord Hater: And the award for the Least Original Name goes to...] [Hayden: 90210, haha get it. Is this what 70s draws inspiration from for this show? No wonder it's been such a mess.] [Jjs: Eh, I’ll let it pass this time. At least he tried making a different name instead of just randomly throwing a real-life sitcom underwater. Speaking of which, how about those Friends?] [Wumbo: I prefer Phineas and Ferb, you know, that one show SOF likes. Subtlety is clearly 70s' specialty.] She was waiting for Jake to come over and pick Charlea up, because she was planning on going Christmas shopping with Morgan (though she had told Jake it was just shopping). [WGAD Police Chief: We retired the force for a reason. I'm not stepping in here.] She got a text from him that says, "Can't make it -- going to see a movie with Bryan and Seth." [CNF: Way to blow off your chick my friend.] She was shaking with anger. She called him quickly. [Clappy: Gasp. How dare she be angry that she wants him to watch a child so she can do what he is doing.] "Hey, babe," he said. "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!" she yelled. [Jjs: I don’t think she’s angry enough 70s. Make her scream at the top of her lungs.] [Hayden: Hey, don't get mad at him, at least he's watching something of quality at the movie theater....possibly.] [Lord Hater: So you can't hire a babysitter or take the baby Christmas shopping? What kind of mother are you anyways?] Morgan was upstairs in her room, but she didn't really mind the yelling and the fighting that was occurring below her. She'd heard much worse in the past few months. (Theme plays) [Lord Hater: WAIT, THAT WAS ALL AN OPENING SEQUENCE? WHAT THE HECK?] [Jjs: Alright, going to take a break from the violin video to fit this supposed “Christmas” episode: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQv8CvP4I2A Though putting Christmas Who? in this is an insult to Christmas Who?.] [Hayden: Fa la la lol lol la lol la la lol] [CNF: It's Christmas in July! ...and this is not the way to make me feel festive.] Anna and Molly were at the mall, having a good time. [Clappy: So much detail. So much imagery. So….boring.] [Wumbo: That's a good one, 70s! Everybody knows it's never a good time in this spin-off, especially for the readers.] [CNF: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFneiheLMjk ] "I'm starving," Anna said. "Really? I'm not," Molly said. "You're never hungry," Anna observes. "In fact, the whole time we've dated, I've never really seen you eat." [Clappy: Uh oh. I sense an anorexia storyline.] Molly laughed. "Yeah. Just a coincidence, I guess." [Lord Hater: How long have you two been dating anyway? I keep losing track with the time skips Trophy warned me about.] Anna laughed along with her. "Well... can I just get a little food?" she asked. "Of course," Molly replied. [Hayden: Oh let me guess, he's giving Molly an eating disorder. Sorry, you already fucked that up with Temperance, so too late to do it with someone else.] [Wumbo: Or could she be a supernatural character that doesn't have to eat? Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry, I think I spoiled a big reveal five episodes later or something.] [Jesus: Whatever gets us out of here faster, Wumbo.] [CNF: There are no big reveals in Bikini Top, Wumbo.] [Jjs: So all we got from this scene is that Molly is anorexic. Nothing suspicious there. Next scene!] ~~~ Tori was at home, cleaning the house. Suddenly, she saw her father's boatmobile pull in. She walked outside to greet him. "Dad!" she said. "I didn't know you were coming for Christmas! I haven't seen you since... the funeral." She had tried to dodge the phrase 'the funeral,' but couldn't think of a different, painless way to phrase it. [Hayden: Wow, so suddenly adults aren't mature enough to use the term funeral? HOW DID 70S CON ANYONE INTO BELIEVING HE WAS AN ADULT?] [Jjs: "I haven't seen you since Larry pushed up daisies."] [Wumbo: "I haven't seen you since Larry went on vacation to Tombstone Land... forever."] [Jesus: "I haven't seen you since Larry received the privilege of meeting me."] [CNF: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKPOhFZuFQg ] "Well it will be Christmas in a week, and I know you've been having a hard time," Mitchell said. "I decided to surprise you." [Lord Hater: By giving her a conquered planet?] [Clappy: I bet this surprise involves a bunch of drama.] "Come in," Tori told him. "I'm sure it's been a long trip." [Wumbo: This entire series has been a long trip. Acid, that is. Except the boring kind of acid trip where things just vaguely don't make sense.] [CNF: I need a shot of acid right now. The strong kind.] Once they got inside, Mitchell had an awkward look etched onto his face, color drained from it. [Clappy: Lolwut?] "So... how is the... investigation going?" He carefully averted the word, 'murder.' [Jjs: I... like... speaking... in ellipses... too...] [Lord Hater: Who...doesn't...weird guy...who has flesh...over a thing...like...me.] [Hayden: Avoiding certain terms is very important. Just look at how Jex stopped the pollution of people on this site's minds....d'oh.] [Clappy: Okay, I don’t care if he is involved with the murder of Larry, but why freeze up about it now when she brought up the funeral earlier? You know for a possible suspect, he sure is picky about how vague he wants to be.] [Wumbo: So if he didn't avoid the word, he would have said "How is the murder going?" I for one am kind of glad he avoided that word.] "The police don't know anything," Tori said sadly. [Jjs: Why am I not surprised, considering their incompetence last episode.] [Hayden: Not a single shred of evidence despite the body being found exactly where the incident took place?] [CNF: I think the police need to go back to college or whatever.] The color came back to Mitchell's face; he almost looked relieved. Tori noticed. [Clappy: Yeah, because I can sure notice the difference between peach and lighter peach…or whatever color fish faces are.] "Why does the information that my husband's murder case is going nowhere seem to make you happy?" she asked. "Are you hiding something from me?" [Lord Hater: Shouldn't it be obvious by now?] [Jjs: Considering how every parent in this spin-off hides something, it's not too far-fetched.] [Hayden: Mitchell is just confused on what facial expressions to use because he doesn't understand human emotion...kind of like 70s.] "What are you implying?" Mitchell asked. [Clappy: She is implying that you look relieved.] "I'm not implying anything," Tori asked. "But now I'll ask you: Did you have something to do with his death?" "Absolutely not!" Mitchell said. "I suppose I'll believe you..." Tori said. She didn't. [Lord Hater: This person is actually smart now not falling for this obvious false stretch of the truth. AHHHHHH!] [Jjs: Don’t be silly Tori. It’s not like Mitchell was working with the vampires...right?] [Hayden: Damn, Tori's detective skills are so top notch, why isn't she a police officer if she's this good at reading faces?] [CNF: This story has officially gone into "Every Man For Himself" territory.] [Clappy: Maybe you should call the authorities about this…oh wait, the authorities in this spin-off have shit in terms of credentials. I bet they will say they don’t have enough evidence like they did with Morgan’s rape.] ~~~ ("Dancing With Tears In My Eyes" by Ke$ha [listen here- ] plays throughout the scene) [Jjs: Didn't you learn anything last time when I scolded you on a Ke$ha song, 70s?] Bryan and Temperance are at Temperance's house making out. Bryan goes for her bra. [Jjs: Didn't you learn anything last time, which made herself puke, almost commit suicide, and get religious, Bryan?] [Clappy: Well, for a newly devout christian who just found god and took back her virginity, she is already down to her underwear and is heavily making out with him. So where else do you think this is going?] [Hayden: Oral sex is alright in the name of the Lord? HALLELUJAH!] [Wumbo: Bryan goes for the bra... he swoops in with a right-handed unhooking... GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL Uh... FIFA's really getting to me, sorry.] "No," she said. [CNF: I'm ready, depression. I'm surprised no one has made that joke yet.] He sighed. "Can you blame me?" [Lord Hater: Who is this he? Well, I can blame you anyways.] "What do you mean?" "You're really, really hot, Temp." [Trophy in a cameo: OH HAHA ANOTHER TEMPERATURE JOKE INSTEAD OF COOL IT'S HOT THIS TIME HAHA!] [Jjs: Again with the nicknames? Might as well just chop off everyone else's names while we're at it: Bry Jak Jacki Mor Set Mol An Ast Jor Dor Hers Ari] [Clappy: Wow Bry, you sure know how to flatter the ladies.] [Hayden: No, she's a fat puffy crybaby and don't you dare forget it Bryan.] [Wumbo: "What I'm trying to say is, I only like you for your body."] "You still have to control yourself!" Temperance said, but now she was angry. [Jesus: Wrath. One of the Deadly Sins. Look it up.] "I'm sorry." "I really don't think you are! Because every time we make out like this, you try to make it into something more. And I keep saying no, but you just keep doing it." [Wumbo: "And what's up with calling me a tease all the time?"] [Clappy: ….BUT YOU KEEP LETTING HIM. YOU KNOW TEMP, SEXUAL INTERCOURSE IS A TWO WAY STREET. IT’S NOT LIKE HE IS RAPING YOU.] "I really am sorry." "Get out." "What?" "Get the heck out! We're through!" [Lord Hater: How many times has this happened though?] [Jjs: Ah, what a better way to have a Christmas episode than another bland break-up. I think "WE'RE THROUGH!" should be this spin-off's catchphrase. Also, it's official: 70s does not listen to the songs he plays for each scene. I mean yeah, I guess it fits the break-up theme, but it's too upbeat to imagine in the background.] [Hayden: Listening to each song choice would be too painful, because it's obviously music 70s has a taste for, so why put myself through that kind of torture?] [Clappy: Okay, Temperance…I mean Temp….is getting to Naomi levels of annoyance and hypocrisy.] [CNF: Come on Temperance, just say fuck. You know you wanna.] [Jesus: Ah, I noticed a nice touch there. Instead of saying "hell", she said "heck". Very Christian of her. Now for the second thing I've noticed: ISN'T THIS A CHRISTMAS EPISODE?!] [Wumbo: Don't you mean a Me-mas episode?] [Jesus: Oh, shut up.] ~~~ Anna and Molly were in GUP shopping for clothes. [Wumbo: Never thought I'd use the phrase "Shark Tale did it first".] [Clappy: HAHAHAHAHA GUP. GET IT? #FishPuns #Ugh #GodSavedTemp] [CNF: Gup? Instead of Gap? ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0N9q5HRChls ] An old lady was walking bye, [Jjs: SOF my buddy, I am so sorry for ever criticizing your grammar. PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE!] [CNF: An old lady was walking - Bye! ] and she gasped when she saw Molly. "You!" she said. "Yes?" said Molly, with an unusual tone in her voice. "You look exactly the same as you did fifty-eight years ago..." the old lady said. [Lord Hater: That's strangely precise.] [CNF: ...Anna, I'd get out of this relationship now.] [Clappy: 58 years ago? The fu….oh no no no no no…..please no 70s….] "What was your name... Holly?" Molly ignored her, and continued walking with Anna. [Jjs: It's sad how this crazy old lady is probably still more sane than our main characters.] [Hayden: And she wouldn't assume that might be Holly's daughter because? Cringeworthy attempt at foreshadowing, I now know exactly where this is headed and I suspected it beforehand. Nice try but no...maybe if the Anna/Molly relationship was less slapped together, I'd be fine with it, but it's annoying that everything has to relate back to Astenias now for Anna.] "What the hell was that?" Anna asked. "What do you mean?" "Oh come on! You don't think it's weird that woman said she knew you fifty-eight years ago, and she said your name was Holly! That's one letter away from Molly." [Clappy: I would be more alarmed about the fact that 70s considers 58 years old…old…] [Lord Hater: What's next? Jolly? Holiday pun not originally intended.] [Jjs: Crazy old ladies these days...no wonder my grandmother drives my dad insane.] [Wumbo: You know what else is one letter away from Molly? Illuminati.] "She's just a crazy old lady. And the name thing was just a coincidence." "Whatever," Anna said. She had begun to notice that when she was around Molly, there were a lot of coincidences. [Hayden: Probably just a coincidence.] [Clappy: No no no no no…..] [CNF: W/E.] ~~~ Naomi was in her room, sleeping. It was about the only thing she did these days. [Wumbo: Merry Christmas.] [CNF: Yawn. Next scene please...] She was always in this half-asleep state when she wasn't sleeping. [CNF: ...aw come the fuck on!] Veera knocked on her door. Nothing. She decided to walk in, just to see if she was okay. She knew that Naomi had been having a hard time since the miscarriage. Then, she saw it there. Naomi had spilled the painkillers on the floor next to her bed. And now, Veera knew... her daughter was on drugs. Again. She decided she had to take this into her own hands. She got all the pills, scooping them up into her fin. She grabbed the container, which was filled with pills, and poured the ones in her fin into it. Then, she threw them all away. [Jjs: Well, at least Naomi didn't bitch at her mother again.] [Clappy: …yet.] [Hayden: Oh hey, Veera continuing to show us she isn't a bad mother, too bad Naomi didn't wake up and see that angelic parenting in action. I'm sure she'd have a positive and rational reaction.] [Wumbo: We all really, really cared about the multiple-step process Veera took to throw away the pills. Thanks for that, 70s. *to WGAD Police Chief* You sure you don't want to come back?] ~~~ Mitchell was in the guest room, unpacking his things. He got a call on his cell phone. "Hello?" he said. "Hey," said an angry voice on the other line. "Who is this?" Mitchell asked. "You know damn well who it is..." the voice said. "You've got 24 hours to give me the money, or I'll do to you what you paid me to do to that other guy." [Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nV59cxMsFnU ] [Lord Hater: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayccwzZH4Tg ] [CNF: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fu4L9dhcE7o ] He hung up. Tori was standing next to him. "Who was that, Dad?" "No one, dear." [Lord Hater: I want the name "No one, dear" as well.] [Hayden: So the plot thickens. Here's hoping Mitchell dies so we can get rid of this plot line all together.] [CNF: The guy was secretly... NO NAME!] ~~~ Jake was at the movies with Bryan and Charlea -- [Lord Hater: THE BABY COULDN'T GO SHOPPING, YET IT COULD POTENTIALLY RUIN THE MOVIE FOR CRYING! TRUST ME I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS, AND IT'S ANNOYING AS HELL! OK, new police time: LOGIC POLICE!] he had lost the fight with Jackie. She was out with Morgan. He had no idea where Seth was. He said he had something to do right after Jake told the two of them that Jackie and Morgan weren't home. [Jjs: Another pointless scene. Moving on!] [Hayden: Seth, you suspicious son of a bitch. I had hope for you but you're just as sketchy as Molly. The writing has let you and all of us down.] [CNF: And most of all, I let you down, you delicate little Krabby Patty...] ~~~ ("Faithfully" by Journey [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rj__jhmPMgI ] plays throughout the scene) Hersht, Dora, and Jordin were sleeping when Dora felt this intense pain. It was thirst. She stood up, which made Hersht and Jordin spring to life immediately: even while sleeping their senses were extraordinary. [Wumbo: Boy, nothing sets the mood of a supernatural scene quite like a Journey song, eh boys?] "I have to go hunting," said Dora. [Lord Hater: You can't find a pond, lake, river OR EVEN AN OCEAN IF YOU CAN FLY? DRINK SOME WATER INSTEAD OF BLOOD ALREADY!] [CNF: It's against their nature, Trophy.] "Remember to control your thirst for intelligent creatures," Jordin said. [Hayden: Where would Dora find any of those in Bikini Top?] "Of course," Dora lied. She then left. Hersht waited until Dora was long gone before speaking to Jordin. "I don't trust her," he said. "Why?" Jordin asked. [Wumbo: "Because 70s used 'lied' as Dora's speech tag. Come on, pay attention."] "Don't you think it's a little... suspect... that she switched sides so very briskly?" [Jjs: It...seems like... Hersht ... has also caught ... the ellipses ... disease from Mitchell ...] "No, I don't!" Jordin said. "We're sisters, and Astenias tried to make us kill each other. Of course you would switch sides after that." "She's lying about not feeding on intelligent creatures," Hersht said. "Just thought you'd be interested in that intel." "I knew that, and I understand it," said Jordin defensively. "It's hard to get off of their blood." [Hayden: So it’s the equivalent of smoking for vampires.] [Lord Hater: THEN WHY DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!??! Man, he's treating like intelligent creatures are their cigarettes. OH SHOOT!] "Okay, just letting you know..." Hersht said. "Are you sure that you don't find her behavior suspicious at all? Why would she lie about how she feeds? Perhaps the hunting trips that she has taken over the course of the last few months were all her reporting our plans to Astenias." [Lord Hater: Okay, I seriously need a timeline.] [Jesus: Wumbo, while we're talking dishonesty, why did you lie to me? This isn't a Christmas episode.] [Wumbo: I swear, it is! I think...] [Jesus: Christmas was referenced maybe three times so far. This is a mockery of Christmas specials everywhere.] [Wumbo: Well, what we're doing right now is a mockery of the mockery. Doesn't that count for anything?] [Jesus: Okay, you win this scene.] "She would never do such a thing to her own family." "You do remember that she nearly killed you, yes?" Jordin sighed. Perhaps Hersht had a point. [Hayden: I'm not sure if this subplot has a real point.] [Jjs: Are these three taking the roles of the SpongeBob characters this season in terms of pointless scenes?] [Clappy: This scene was so painfully boring and overdramatic that I have nothing for it.] ~~~ ("Raise Your Glass" by P!nk [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjVNlG5cZyQ ] plays throughout the scene) [CNF: If that's suggesting that I should give a toast to this show, it has another thing comin'!] Seth knocked on the door to Morgan and Jackie's house. Heather answered the door. "Seth!" Heather said. "What are you doing here?" [Jjs: "Would you like some of our chocolate?"] [Hayden: "I came to Jex you up."] "I just needed to see you," Seth said. "Seth, I told you, this is over," Heather said. "We're just lucky that Morgan didn't find out. After all, you're one of her closest friends." [Jjs: Uh...*jaw slowly starts to drop*] [Clappy: Oh no…no no no no no no….] [Hayden: Wut. That's what this is actually? Not Seth just stalking Morgan and Jackie's houses for Astenias or some shit? Seather happened? ....*vomits all over the place*] "You can't pretend you don't want this to go on just as much as I do," Seth said. "This has been great. It doesn't have to end." "But it does." "No," he said. "It doesn't." He kissed her full on the mouth. She returned the kiss. She embraced him, and they both went into the house. [Lord Hater: GROSS POLICE!] [Trophy in yet another cameo: Also Out Of Nowhere Police. *both barf*] [Jjs: *jaw drops fully* Okay....isn't Seth 17 or 18? Isn't Heather an adult in her 30s or 40s? Did...70s lose track of his ages, or is he intentionally making a pedophiliac pairing?! If he wants to be edgy, fine, but it's just as forced and lazy as his lesbian pairing. I think this topped Mrs. Puff and Linus in creepiness levels. Welp, going to wash my brain out.] [Clappy: YOU WENT THERE. YOU FUCKING WENT THERE. GOD HOW MANY MORE TEEN DRAMA CLICHES ARE THERE THAT HE HASN’T DONE YET? AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT MAKES THESE EVEN WORSE THAN OTHERS? 70S DOESN’T EVEN PROPERLY BUILD THEM UP. IT’S LIKE EVERY EPISODE HE DECIDES TO FORCE THESE PLOT POINTS INTO THE EPISODE. BUILD THEM UP DAMMIT.] [Hayden: Well, he was bound to do this eventually...Pretty Little Lars and Degrassi have inappropriate relationships portrayed in positive lights, so why not pull that with Bikini Top too? Maybe 70s ended this after s2 because he ran out of clichés from all of his favorite television shows to keep using.] [CNF: Clearly Seth thinks Heather is a total milf.] ~~~ Morgan and Jackie were Christmas shopping when suddenly, they ran into Sarah, Jackie's mother. [Wumbo: So after skipping that scene because nope, forget about it, not gonna happen, I'm back. Oh look, one more reminder that it's a Christmas episode! They happen so few and far between I keep forgetting.] Sarah was astonished to see her. "Oh, Jackie!" Jackie grimaced. "Hey, Sarah." [Jjs: Sarah? Mother? *rereads Season 1* Oh yeah, I remember. Jackie got kicked out of her house for being pregnant, which is why she lives with Morgan. Surprised 70s brought that up again, since most of the subplots from Season 1 have yet to be brought up again or finished.] [Clappy: This spin-off…too many…bland characters….so easy…to forget.] [Hayden: "Oh Jackie, what a delight. Your father talks about how much of a disgrace you are everyday."] Morgan frowned at her avoiding the word, "Mom." Sarah looked hurt by it. [Hayden: Fuck off Morgan, someone who abandons you doesn't deserve to be called your mother.] [Wumbo: "I disapprove of the way you address your family. Totally my business. Totally."] "Well, this is a coincidence, I was about to call you," said Sarah. "Oh, really?" Jackie said. "After a year, you decided to finally talk to your daughter?" [Clappy: I’m surprised it’s only been a year with the amount of time hopping 70s does with this show.] "I am so sorry, Jackie," Sara said. [Jjs: Sara? You mean 70s' fake wife?] [Hayden: AHA, 70S IS JACKIE'S FATHER, THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!] [Lord Hater: Then where are his so called kids Nick, Prudence, and uh, I think the last one is Marti, where are they? What? I browsed around out of boredom, can you blame me?] "I don't believe you." "But I'm your mother. I love you...." [CNF: You should have thought about that when you kicked your daughter out of the house, bitch.] "You're my mother who was happy with seeing me thrown out of the house for making one little mistake, so you're not my mother. You're just... Sarah, that lady I lived with for my childhood, who I have no interest in talking to anymore. Come on Morgan." [Clappy: You know who else was thrown out of his house? Calvin Reynolds. For all we know, Jackie could still be living in her mother’s house just like the man behind the alias of 70s was.] The two of them walked away. "Don't you think that was a little rude?" Morgan asked. "I mean, she is your mother." [Jjs: No, she's just Sarah, that lady she lived with for her childhood.] [Hayden: Morgan, please go get raped again and stop trying to shove lessons down other people's throats.] "You should talk," Jackie said. "You're rude to your mother all the time." "But still..." Morgan protested. [Lord Hater: Butts are for sitting young lady. SO SIT DOWN STILLY AND DON'T BE A HYPOCRITE!] "We have shopping to do," Jackie said. "Whatever," Morgan said. [Clappy: No. Not whatever. She just talked shit about your relationship with your mother. I wouldn’t take that even with a grain of salt. That is your mother she is talking about. At least have some pride and dignity for her despite how strained Jackie’s relationship with hers.] "So... I think I'm breaking up with Jake..." [Clappy: And this is a surprise to no one since relationships only last barely half a season in Bikini Top time.] [Wumbo: Yeah, that bombshell will certainly help move along the shopping. Great shopping skillz, Jackie. A+.] [CNF: Oh boy, this won't go well...] "What?" Morgan asked, shocked. "I don't know, we just haven't been getting along lately," Jackie said. [Jjs: Yet another break-up? Another thing that bothers me...all the blandly developed characters that get broken up after maybe 5 episodes or less. What's the point of pairing them if you're just going to throw out random drama that ends with them getting back together anyways (like the whole song thing in episode 22). Maybe these break-ups would be more powerful if the characters were actually interesting, but it’s just coming off as more padding now. Come on! 70s loved faking his relationship with Sara, so it shouldn't be hard.] [Hayden: Maybe all his creativity into creating fake relationships was worn out from Sara. I mean, it must have been mentally strenuous on him to take care of all those fake children and still have time to write this drivel.] [Jesus: All the dishonesty from this man. I think I'm supposed to care about this sort of thing, but it's really not worth my omnipotent effort.] "Well, maybe it is time you two had some time apart," said Morgan. [Wumbo: Wow, nice recovery from saying "What?" and being shocked.] "I love him and everything, I do, but we kind of need a break," Jackie said. [Lord Hater: Or just go to family therapy. Does it not exist underwater now?] "I know what you mean," Morgan said. She and Jake needed some time apart... then Jackie came into the picture. But Morgan didn't blame Jackie for that. It was just bad timing. She simply wished she and Jake had had a little more closure than just starting to see other people -- and have children with them. [Clappy: Hehe “have children with them”….even 70s is acknowledging how overdone the birth of children has become in this spin-off.] She quickly pushed those thoughts away, and continued walking around the mall with Jackie. Then the two of them ran into Molly and Anna. "Oh, hey you guys!" Anna said. [Jjs: That's probably what the riffers will be saying next time they appear, since I bet they'll be pushed to the side again.] "Hey," Jackie said, and grinned. "I was hoping we would run into you guys!" Morgan said. "So, are we all Christmas shopping?" Molly asked. [Lord Hater: Oh right, this is a Christmas episode.] [Hayden: No, we're just "shopping". DON'T TELL JAKE, HE ISN'T ALLOWED TO KNOW ANYTHING EVER.] "Totally," said Jackie. "Let's go," Anna said. "Hey, where are Temperance and Naomi?" Morgan asked. [Clappy: Being hypocrites of themselves. Like usual.] "We should invite them and have some girl time." [Wumbo: If 70s had his way, it'd be girl-on-girl time.] [CNF: At least it'd be more interesting than the shitty drama.] "Temperance is with Bryan, and Naomi is... well, I don't know," said Anna. "She's still not talking to us?" Morgan said. "For the love of God, it's Christmas." [Jjs: It'd be much funnier if Temperance said that considering her religion orgasms now.] [Hayden: Santa Claus delivered her some painkillers as an early present and Veera got coal for being the worst mother on the planet.] [Wumbo: Okay, question: Did we or did we not have pretty much this exact scenario, that is to say, somebody holed up in their room not talking to anyone, IN THE CHRISTMAS EPISODE IN SEASON ONE?] "Actually, it's December 18th..." Molly corrected her. [Clappy: No one likes a smartass Holly….I mean Molly.] "Ha ha, very funny," Morgan said. [Wumbo: No it's not.] [CNF: Only stiff pieces of cardboard would find that funny.] "But it's still Christmas time." "We could still invite Temperance," said Anna. "Here, I'll call her." "Good idea," said Molly. [Clappy: Bad idea. You two are in a lesbian relationship. Temp doesn’t approve of homosexuals now because of her new views on life. This can only spell more forced drama.] Anna called Temperance, and Temperance picked up. "Hello?" Temperance said. "Hey," said Anna. "We're at the mall Christmas shopping, and we were wondering if you wanted to come and join us. It could be fun." "No," said Temperance. "I don't want anything to do with you." [Jesus: I'd like to apologize in advance, on behalf of every stupid homophobic follower I have, for what you are about to witness. It's... painful.] "Can I ask why?" Anna asked. "I mean, you've been treating me bad for a while when I've been nothing but nice to you. So please explain what I did." "You're gay," Temperance said. [Clappy: Well gee, that came as a surprise to no one….except how 70s worded it. Fun fact, but I remember 70s use to be super offended anytime anyone said the word “gay” as an insult. Like he got beyond butt hurt. So of course, he is allowed to use it freely as an insult in his own spin-off. Got to love being full of yourself, huh 70s?] "And I'm sorry, but that's wrong." And she hung up. [Lord Hater: Being happy is apparently a crime now. Poor Pharrel Williams then.] [Jjs: And once again...I called it. Man, I need to get a career as a fortune teller. Seriously though...wow, just...wow.] [Hayden: Biggest brat in this spinoff? Is it... Naomi? Morgan? Temperance? Jackie? Or the god hating lesbians? YOU DECIDE FOLKS!] "Wow," Anna said. "What was that?" Morgan asked. [CNF: That was my loss of words.] "Apparently Miss Suddenly Religious and Totally Better Than Everyone Else [Clappy: That’s the best insult you can come up with?] isn't a fan of me and Molly's relationship," Anna said, and she scoffed. "She said being gay is wrong. Are we back in the 17th century or something?" [Lord Hater: I wouldn't be surprised if it were actually.] [Hayden: Anna, read up on your history, homophobia is sadly much more current than that.] [CNF: Sigh. Please just...shut up...Bikini Top...] "I'm sure she'll come around..." Molly said. "Still, she's being horrible lately," Anna said. "And this is just the icing on the cake." "She's going through a tough time, though," Jackie said. [Hayden: Brenda's the cancer patient, where's her POV? Also, Bryan thinks she's smoking hot, clearly she's having the toughest time of all of you and is allowed to be bigoted toward whomever she feels like.] "We're all not having too much fun lately, and frankly, I'm getting sick of it," Anna said. "The highlight of my life these past few months has been Molly, and if Temperance doesn't approve, then fine." "For the record, I'm fine with you two going out," said Morgan. [Wumbo: And I love you, random citizen!] "Me too," Jackie said. "Well thanks," Anna said, and she smiled. "Alright, let's go do some shopping," Molly said. [Jjs: I have nothing else to say, other than, 70s, if you can’t properly write a lesbian couple without coming off as hideously offensive, then don’t do it at all.] [Clappy: Who cares jjs. I mean after all, it’s as easy as LET’S GO SHOPPING.] ~~~ Seth and Heather were lying there, in Heather's bed, wrapped in a pile of sheets. [Jjs: I...but...he...what...Well, I'm skipping the rest of this scene.] [Hayden: It's just a harmless sleepover.] "This is so wrong..." Heather said. [Lord Hater: Even though the writer admits it, this is happening...] [Jesus: ] "It's so right, you mean," Seth said. [Wumbo: Quiet you.] "No, it's not!" Heather said. "You're my daughter's friend, and we already don't have a good relationship. If she finds out about this, it will only get worse." [Clappy: “…we already don't have a good relationship. If he/she finds out about this, it will only get worse." - The motto of Bikini Top] "Heather, I really like you," Seth said. He kissed her hair. Then he kissed her nose. Then he kissed her mouth. [Wumbo: My eye twitched. Then my stomach churned. Then my teeth started grinding. Oh God, grinding... don't make me think about grinding while this scene is going on.] [Jesus: *makes Wumbo think about it*] [Wumbo: AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH] "I really like you." "I... like you too, Seth," Heather said. "But this isn't good. It isn't at all." [Hayden: So Seth is the sexual predator here? WHAT A TWEEST!] "You keep saying that, but you know you love it," Seth said. "We're good together." "We haven't quite been together though," Heather said. "It's only been sex. [CNF: It's always sex! Why can't I get a guy to just look me in the eye! Oh the shame of it all.] And while that's been amazing, if this is going to continue, shouldn't we at least get to know each other?" [CNF: Nah babe, let's just continue fucking and see if I can get you pregnant.] [Clappy: Why would anyone get to know these characters better? It’s all about the jex.] "How are we going to do that?" Seth asked. "We can't be seen in public together." "We can just talk, right here," Heather said. [Clappy: In bed.] [Jjs: I've already pointed out how disturbing this setup is, so I'm not going to bother. Next scene!] [Hayden: Inb4 Morgan walks in on them in the end montage.] [CNF: inb4 hump hump hump pop there's the baby.] ~~~ The next day, Jake went to Jackie's house to drop off Charlea. When he went in the house, Jackie had an upset look on her face. "Hey," Jake said. "Hey..." Jackie said. "We need to talk." "About what?" Jake asked. "You're not pregnant again, are you?" "Jake, we haven't had sex since Jackie was born." [Clappy: …wait….since Jackie was born? Oh god. This typo. It’s too hilarious.] [Jjs: You mean Charlea, right? PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE!] [Wumbo: "It's always been that weird Jex shit."] "But still...." [Jjs: Well, I wouldn't be surprised, it is Jake.] [Hayden: Maybe she was accidentally artificially inseminated! Man, wouldn't that make a crazy NBC show?] "No, I'm not pregnant," Jackie said. "Then... what is it?" "I think it's time for this to end," Jackie said. [Clappy: How bittersweet…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz] "Time for what to end?" [CNF: Are you really that much of an idiot.] "Us." [Lord Hater: I thought you were just taking a break from each other. Not breaking up. INCONSISTENCY POLICE!] [Jjs: Don't worry Jake, you can get her back together with another song.] [Clappy: Or with the gift of a child’s laughter…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCkWNIIE_pM ] [Hayden: Yeah, moms are calling it the most sexy and romantic way to get into a girl's heart.] [Wumbo: And here I am, thinking that this miserable episode would end. *sigh*] ~~~ ("Road to Nowhere" by Ozzy Osbourne [listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IE9ZOgIApms ] plays throughout the scene) [Jjs: Hey, just like this spin-off’s direction.] Mitchell was driving to Coralwood, where he had to pay the men who had done him a certain service. [Wumbo: Oh man, not another poorly written homosexual character.] [CNF: Gee, I wonder what service was done. So mysterious.] He arrived, and handed the men the money. He started to walk away. "Where do you think you're going?" one of the men said. [Clappy: To his eventual death.] "I'm leaving," Mitchell said. "I paid you, and that's that." "Oh, but it's not," another man said. "I don't know what you mean," Mitchell said. And then he bit Mitchell in the neck. [Lord Hater: For something he payed you to do, you also make him a vampire... LOGIC POLICE 2!] [Jjs: Holy crap, once again I'm right, and I seriously didn't even scroll down. Man 70s, you are a card of predictability. I still need to consider that fortune teller gig though...hm...] [Hayden: Wow, rude vampires, they didn't even keep their word to Mitchell.] [CNF: You bore me Bikini Top. Then again, what else is new amirite?] [Clappy: So wouldn’t that make Larry a vampire too though…eh who gives a shit.] ~~~ ("Clocks" by Coldplay [listen here- ] plays throughout the scene) Anna had started to become more and more suspicious of her girlfriend. So she went onto Google and searched her family name, Morrigan. [Clappy: Eww, Molly Morrigan? That’s such an uncreative name.] She got tons of results pointing to Irish mythology. It meant phantom queen... great queen... it was once a goddess of battle, strife, and fertility... it didn't age. Could Molly Morrigan just be... the Morrigan? [Clappy: Wait a minute….you are not telling me that…] She didn't age, she was never hungry (perhaps craving something else), and Anna had never met her parents. In fact, every time Molly's parents were brought up she turned evasive. Anna impulsively called Molly and said, "What are you?" [M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!] [Hayden: Damnit, why couldn't it just be an eating disorder plot done right?] [Wumbo: Finally, I got to call something. High five me.] TO BE CONTINUED... [Hayden: THAT'S NOT AN END MONTAGE YOU DICK, YOU'VE RUINED THE BEST ASPECT OF BIKINI TOP TO RIFF!] [Clappy: ….so you are telling me that Molly is this mythical figure? Dear god 70s….you are really and I mean really stretching our imaginations to believe one of your awful uninteresting people is one of these mythical beings. Oh and that she is also a lesbian mythical being. You my friend….really have no idea what you are writing anymore. It’s like you are just saying…fuck it. I can do what I want since people will keep viewing this shit to wonder how many more sharks you can jump.] MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP "Courage Is..." by The Strange Familiar "One" by U2 "Dancing With Tears In My Eyes" by Ke$ha "Faithfully" by Journey "Raise Your Glass" by P!nk "Road to Nowhere" by Ozzy Osbourne "Clocks" by Coldplay --- Review please. And yeah, I know it was short, but it's only part 1. [Jjs: Short and still painful. This had so many issues that I've already covered above, but these riffs are running long as it is, so I'll save it for next part. I'll bring a special guest for the 2nd part, so they can share my pain.] [Hayden: I'm not sure what to say except...why the fuck is this a holiday special? OH, IS IT BECAUSE TEMPERANCE IS GOING TO CRUCIFY THE LESBIAN VAMPIRE MOLLY IN THE NAME OF JESUS? Wow, 70s sure knows how to properly celebrate these religious holidays. I anxiously await the conclusion. Of this series that is. 70s just freaking killed this thing before we even got a chance to riff it. Now THAT takes skill.] [Lord Hater: That was worse than my torture rooms. Well, I know what to add. Thanks Trophy, now Peepers, land the ship. *Lord Hater takes off*] [Jesus: Good, he's gone. Well, that was a horrible representation of Christianity. I'm done.] [Wumbo: Not so fast, J-Dawg. There's a Part 2.] [Jesus: I think I hear a crucifixion calling my name...] [Wumbo: Save it. We're suffering together through this entire two-parter.] [CNF: ...well that was one big clusterfuck. And why is this so special, it felt like a normal episode to me. Then again, this is Bikini Top. ...and this is the part where I weep for having to riff the 2nd part. *cries*] [Clappy: I think I’ve already discussed my disgust with how awful this show has become…but at least it’s an interesting amount of awful. I really want to see how many more times 70s can fuck with our heads and make us point out how in over his head he is. Bring on Part 2.] 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I can't help but love the part when Anna impulsively calls Molly to ask, "What are you?". Imagine doing that with someone close to you. Of course, that's nowhere near as hilariously WTF as what happens next episode when they meet again. XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William Leonard Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 This is a work of art, right here. You guys actually made Bikini Top readable, and for that I salute you brave dudes. If you're still offering spots, I'd be happy to join the riff squad for the next part, if only to avoid reading what will undoubtedly be an awful episode by making bad jokes and obscure references. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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