Steel Reviews Animated Stuff and What Not

[Metal Snake]

My memories of the original Lion King almost got soiled by this shitty direct to video sequel...almost.

Aladdin 4: Jafar May Need Glasses is sounding better and better with all these crappy direct to video Disney sequels. Hercules Zero to Hero, anyone?

Lion King 1/2 isn't abysmal, it's just a stupid movie and an unnecessary sequel. The reason most sequels fail isn't because of bad quality, it's just the fact that they're beating a dead horse that is a story that need not be continued.

[Steel Sponge]

http://stagevu.com/video/ovksoxhuixou

Try this one. It's got French subtitles, but if you have Divx, it's all good in tha hood.

Can't review it now. Sorry. I dunno if I should get DivX, but if I would, it's gonna be temporary.

[Elastic Dawg]

I got it for free from the Divx site. It's wonderful.

[Steel Sponge]

Well guys, here's my next review. And after this, Digimon the Movie would hopefully make up for all the obscurity I'm going through. I'm sorry, BUT no Fritz today.

Review 003: Felidae

Type: Animated cult movie

Country origin: Germany

Spoiler

Rating: 1 Grandpa Longneck

Well, I can obviously point out this was made in the same country as the ill-fated Magic Voyage. Before I can actually talk about the movie, the opening credits can surely give you a heads-up to get your kids away from the television set as much as possible by the time they hear the cat's scream when it opens up to "Felidae."

Now, we go to a cat named Francis who tells a story about the movie, who monologues more thanMatthew Broderick from the Thief and the Cobbler, I guess. There's also his owner, who is studying archaeology, it doesn't get really interesting until we spy...a dead body. I'm not kidding. Dead cat! Blood on the grass! We also meet Bluebeard, who uses the words "friggin', shit, piss, smartass," in his first scene, and it's already like the first five minutes of the film. And of course, the dead body is assumingly from a "can-opener," which is a term of a human. In addition, there has been 3 other killings from the "can-openers." As creative it sounded, I'd like to see some other considerations of a humanoid animal killing, such as "a microwave" (pig), "a roaster" (chicken), or "an abomination" (movie), but I digress.

So Francis goes around the neighborhood and gets some sleep while listening to his favorite music....and then some more obscurity ensues! Francis goes inside a room of sheer nothingness...his shadows turns into a no-face vet...and gives him a collar...which turns into a chained collar...and the no-face starts pulling him in to the fiery pits of hell...yeah it was a nightmare! Bluebeard then comes over and we already got words such as "piss, smartass, hell, tight-ass, god damn, and wise-ass." Yeah, anytime there's some conversation, expect a bunch of cuss words in less than a minute. As Francis and Bluebeard go around the neighborhood, we're introduced to the Hermann duo and Kong...not really interesting right now. Anyways, we learn the killings could have been caused by this factor: they were sexually aroused....of course! Death and sex, do you want to be turned away from this film now?

So Francis wakes up somewhere and leads himself to a room that looks like a cross between an insane asylum and an impreachment. I honestly don't understand what's going on. Francis catches wind of this and gets caught, ends up in the attic, and we now go into a chase scene until we are introduced to Felicity, who cannot see, but yet is very wise. After a talk about murder through sex, Bluebeard catches up with Francis and Francis escorts out of the house. Felidae then has some breakfast the next day...did I mention there's blood on that fish? Francis then eventually learns about "he who must be sealed." Be aware that this came before Harry Potter. After that, they enter a house filled with art which shows BOOBIES, specifically sex. At the house, they meet Pascel, who looks part-mandrill, who is said to use the computer in track of the murders. The database was known as "Felidae" and we figure out the 6th victim of the murders: FELICITY! So yeah, they wasted a good character, did they?

So Francis decides to take a look, and OH MY GOD her head is bitten off! There's more obscurity to go through with that. Francis gets another nightmare, which is downright creepier and trippier than you'd imagined. Francis then comes around a video about Preterious' lab, and the creation of Claudandus Sect. After a while, we get more known to Kong as he meets up with Francis again and admits responsibility of the murders. To be honest, I kinda sorta saw it coming. So Francis attempts to escape from Kong and HOLY FREAKING HELL!! You think the murder of Felicity is disturbing enough?...Well, I'm not going to tell you. It's going to scarr you very well, and I hate to spread some nightmares for this review.

Spoiler

Okay fine, we find another dead body. This is the dead body of Solitare. That's not all, Solitare's womb is split open WITH THE UNBORN FETUSES! Yeah, that's really sick and I'm only halfway done with the movie.

With a surprising twist, Kong is unaware of the death of Solitare, mourns her death, and swears to shove his balls down the killer's throat. Put the words "steel" into this, and maybe Dragiiin would have approve of this. The mystery of these murders continue as somebody else was the killer as Francis ends up in some kind of lair, where he is met up with Bluebeard again. They come across Jesaja and are given a story from him as the Guardian of the Dead. Note that Felidae isn't all interesting and I apparently find parts of the film boring and incomprehensible, so I guess you'd figure I'm fucking up with some parts of the review. We then learn that the victims weren't mostly sexually aroused as most were actually pregnant, and now Francis has to focus on hundreds of the murders, that have happened ages ago.

We then cut to Francis in Egypt. Is a dream? Is a flashback? I have yet to figure out. Francis then mets a female cat...and tries to have sex...? The cat is known to be in an old/new breed and actually knew Francis before. After a while, Francis decides to meet up with Pascel again to look through the list and see who has disappeared without an explanation. Bluebeard then checks around Joker's house (I guess I should have mentioned Joker before, but I didn't understand to go through him), but he has disappeared, which would then have him meet up with Francis and Pascel. Later on, it's figured that Pascel has stomach cancer, the crazy killer is responsible for the death of 450 brothers and sisters, and the murders are connected to the events of the laboratory. Not only that, but it may be true that Preterius is not dead, as said from somebody related to Joker. Yeah, I'm sorry, expect some more summarizing.

With all the clues coming together, Francis and Bluebeard return to the household of Pascel. With Francis is working with the computer, Bluebeard is ambushed. Yeah, I kinda predicted that part too. It is then revealed that Pascel was Claudandus and that he wanted Francis as his successor. Francis and Pascel then fight to the death, it's very climatic and bloody if you ask me. As the building catches on fire, Francis is able to kill Pascel (with his disembodied parts lying around, ew). Francis escapes with Bluebeard, but sadly, Bluebeard is dead. With the death of Pascel, things are normal again.

Well, the movie's finally over. What do I think of it? It wasn't very easy to understand, even with some of the sophisticated dialogue at times, it was disgusting, it was obscure...the voice acting was good, the animation is decent, it was frightening enough, and it was over the top. It was a film about murder mystery, and I can understand how adult oriented it was judging its origin book as obscure itself. I somewhat like the movie, but what does it mean when I don't hate a movie? Felidae is not really that good, but I give it...say 1 Grandpa Longneck. I'll be seeing you guys with a Digimon: The Movie, Nine Lives, and Fire & Ice review.

[Webizoid]

I saw that Fritz was online. I may review that.

[Elastic Dawg]

Dang, Felidae man. I downloaded it but the picture was fucked up. I think it's on YT. If i watch it i'll have completed the circle of perverted animated cat movies, and i shall descend to the heavens.

[Steel Sponge]

Dang, Felidae man. I downloaded it but the picture was fucked up. I think it's on YT. If i watch it i'll have completed the circle of perverted animated cat movies, and i shall descend to the heavens.

Yep it is. That's how I was able to review it.

[Steel Sponge]

Excuse the lies on that calendar, but I apologize for my hiatus.

While the reviews will be coming soon, October is next month., and to celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada, which is a month away at this point, I will review nothing but, terrible, terrifying, Teletoon, non-Teletoon television programs in the history of the animation world in Canada.

Roster:

Almost Naked Animals

My Life Me

Scardey Squirrel

Total Drama World Tour (Pretty much the Temple of Doom of the list.)

Kid vs. Kat

And the black cherry to this sundae, Johnny Test

[Clappy]

Been missing you reviewing animated stuff. Can't wait to see your return and for Teletoon month (and I am intrigued by your full thoughts on TDWT).

[SpongeOddFan]

Excuse the lies on that calendar, but I apologize for my hiatus.

While the reviews will be coming soon, October is next month., and to celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada, which is a month away at this point, I will review nothing but, terrible, terrifying, Teletoon & YTV television programs in the history of the animation world in Canada.

Roster:

Almost Naked Animals

My Life Me

Scardey Squirrel

Total Drama World Tour (Pretty much the Temple of Doom of the list.)

Kid vs. Kat

And the black cherry to this sundae, Johnny Test

Fixed

[SG19]

Fixed

I don't get it...

[SpongeOddFan]

I don't get it...

oh, i just reminded that he forgot Kid vs Kat, Almost Naked Animals & Scardey Squirrel are from YTV. so yeah.

[Clappy]

oh, i just remunded that he forgot Kid vs Kat, Almost Naked Animals & Scardey Squirrel are from YTV. so yeah.

Good thing you remunded him .

[Steel Sponge]

Yes, I know I should've reviewed something by Monday, but hey, I have a day off tomorrow, so expect the first review in such a while here, after doing a little fixes around here. Plus, if there's a "bad" animated Halloween special or whatever, I'll review it, if somebody knows one.

[Clappy]

Well since it's been a couple days since you said you were going to have your review shortly....

Anyway, I got a suggestion. Review the Johnny Test Halloween Special.

[Metal Snake]

Well since it's been a couple days since you said you were going to have your review shortly....

Anyway, I got a suggestion. Review the Johnny Test Halloween Special.

KU. DOS. I actually got the displeasure of watching that last year and it was terrible, even for the standards of Johnny Test. The stock plot, the mindblowingly awful song, and the predictable writing were all just...what.

[Clappy]

Btw, I think a certain animated reviewer needs to review Tom and Jerry the Movie. You've got to see it to believe how bad it is.

[JCM]

Btw, I think a certain animated reviewer needs to review Tom and Jerry the Movie. You've got to see it to believe how bad it is.

holy crap i have that on dvd

please oh god review it

[Steel Sponge]

Well, my hiatus is certainly making CCCM fade away. To make it seem logical, it is pushed to January. Pretty much, the fact that there's actually barely any Almost Naked Animals episodes on Youtube, it should be nothing really long on when I could place my verdict. Anyways, here's some additions to the reviewing roster:

Really Freaking Embarassing

Atlantis Squarepantis (it's critically panned; howelse could it have made it?)

Top 10 Common Spongebob Laments (A complaint a day doesn't keep the Chemist-Bob away)

Pubertina (Chance of being a crossover review)

Oishi High School Battle (Cult review. Chance of being a crossover review)

Tom and Jerry the Movie

Anyways, In a moment, I will be holding a "Search For the Animated Chick" contest, and either Pubertina or Oishi is the choice crossover review for whoever would win.

[Steel Sponge]

Well, isn't this a surprise animated review? Think of this as my early Christmas present....as faithful as a package of fruitcake.

Review 004: Frosty Returns

Type: Animated Christmas special

Country origin: The United States

Rating: 1 Baby Littlefoot

It's not the Spongebob Christmas special, but this is one of my viewed animated Christmas specials while I was anticipating for...the Spongebob Christmas special. Inspired by the original Frosty the Snowman, we have a sequel that does not have that feel at all and it's just as worse as having to listen to "The Lights" during all those Kmart Doorbusters commercials. Just read my review...

We have the old fashioned narrator, played by Jonathan Winters. And compared to the narrator in 1969's Frosty the Snowman, the narrator we're looking at...is an elf, or a midget, roughly the size of a marshmallow. Things have changed. The opening credits are cued, with...famed Naughty Dog and Gabor-Csupo composer Mark Mothersbaugh as the composer for this special. The cast doesn't seem very much interesting or whatever, but then again- OH MY GOD! BRIAN DOYLE-MURRAY IS IN THIS SPECIAL! Yep, it's him playing Mr. Twitchwell, the antagonist. I've realized this the moment I heard him without looking into the credits, and I knew it was him. Anyways, we also got John Goodman as Frosty the Snowman, so that's another treat, for somebody who has been recently involved with the Spongebob Christmas special. During the course of this special, I cannot tell if this is a Christmas special to the point that I have no real idea that if it takes place on Christmas or not. We got a winter carnival, but at least it's still savvy for having a snowman on here.

In addition, the style doesn't seem very much original or appealing. Simply, it's like watching a Rugrats-composed special, but with choppy character designs. Anyways, it takes place in some town called Beansboro and we got a musical number about the joy of...snow, while it seems that the adult demographic in this special seem to hate the snow. We open to a couple of characters, starting with the main female character I'd like to call "Not-Karen." We got the girl, named Holly, and the other character known as Charles, who are stayed inside since they are "not invited to play outside." Oh those rapscallians and their zany laws. Anyways, Holly uses Charles as a test for her magic trick for the winter carnival as she would try to saw him half. So anyhow, after a good 30 or more seconds of that filler, Holly's magician hat comes flying off once she opens the window. While we see the narrator holding on to the hat, which makes no context whatsoever (until his next cameo), Holly briefly runs into her school teacher, Ms. Carbuncle, who probably had a dose of Jerktonium than few of the background cast.

Finally, we go to Frosty the Snowman....out of nowhere who seems to have Holly's hat, which is indeed magic, hence the fact that he's alive. Now Frosty the Snowman...I'd hate to be all smartass, but there's something wrong with this picture. No Happy Birthday? There's no way he could make a comeuppance with someone without a congratulatory unbirthday, but I get it, he was alive PRIORILY. Where's his coal buttons? Was he demoted to just a bowtie? Where's the flower on his hat? That doesn't make him complete, doesn't it? Not even his pipe is there. Plus, if it isn't Christmas at the moment, why is he here? The original special said that he'd come back on Christmas Day, and he's already violating his own rule. Plus, am I the only one who sees Dipper Pines when I see his face? Seriously, look at his face if you want to see the unintentionally resemblance. And at the tip of his hat...well, this is just great, they even got his logic wrong. If his hat is conviscated, HE FREEZES IN PLACE AND HE'S NOT ALIVE ANYMORE, bascially the biggest mistake to have been made. So yeah, he removes his hat for a brief moment and he's still alive for doing so, introducing himself to Holly. Frosty the Snowman, who apparently recognizes Holly DeCarlo as the famous magician, who isn't very famous at all. Plus, he considers Holly as the first person he has met, and Karen, as well as the other school kids, weep in the corner. Then, Holly's mother comes in as we are introduced to the "Summer Wheeze" product for all the snow-hating adults' needs, considerably the greatest invention since "microwave pancakes." Of course, this is enough to Frosty's dismay, as it is used to make all the snow vanish instantly.

We now go to Mr. Twitchwell, played by one of many of favorite voice artists Brian Doyle-Murray, planning to advertise the Summer Wheeze all around Beansboro. His actions are to get rid of snow to make history with the courtesy of his product, and I'm quite surprised it's not entirely out of profit, like most money-making villains. Eventually, Holly hides Frosty in the freezer, goes to school, and we get some more anti-characterization, when the others classmates, except Charles, are up for the vast elimination of snow. Hypocritical assholes. Holly then ditches class and meets up with Frosty the Snowman who has gotten out of the fridge and tries to lighten Holly up with, a pretty good musical number, if you ask me....before going to Mixmaster Doyle-Murray with his own verse which is the opposite of "Let There be Snow." Still doesn't ruin the song for me, it's Brian Doyle-Murray making rhymes. Frosty and Holly's verse then comes back, and then comes to Charles meeting up with Holly and Frosty and Mr. Twitchwell having his cat interfere with Gooseberry Park, which ends up Frosty getting part of his gut melted off from the Summer Wheeze ("kinda gives you an empty feeling, huh?").

You might want to skip this part of the review if you'd like. Most of this is filler than my own thoughts. But I'm near the end. With Frosty in the danger of melting, Gooseberry Park is dried out with no snow in sight. And by the danger of melting, it pretty much lasted for under a minute as Molly and Charles patch up some more snow into Frosty to have him stay alive. So anyways, there's coincidentially a snowfall as the winter carnival has finally begun, with the townspeople in the spirit of things, so that's acceptable. Mr. Twitchwell then makes an entrance with his Summer Wheeze, with Twitchwell using it as a people repellent from the looks of how he's aiming with it, but that's just me. Holly and the others prepare to fight against Twitchwell's orders as the "Let There be Snow" number returns and Twitchwell and his cat end up jumping in an ice lake, Frosty becomes king of the festival, Twitchwell is offered a sled ride, and Frosty is set to return to the North Pole. End of review.

So, what did I think of the special? When it comes to a special about "saving the snow," the storyline is surely thick and uninteresting. That's not it, when it comes to Frosty the Snowman, it refuses to be faithful to it. Give us a different story, sure, but at least make sure you're doing things right and as well giving us anything more than the lowest common denominator. The "Let There be Snow" number and Brian Doyle-Murray as Mr. Twitchwell sure did make it worthwhile though. Plus, as a substance to my childhood, it unfortunately does not live up, but only deserves one Baby Littlefoot for now.

EDIT: Nevermind about the coal buttons thing, but in hinsight to the "Frosty Returns" Frosty, it still makes him seem like a walking blob.