Clappy vs Billboard Hot 100

[Clappy]

Christ...

...I really don't want to do a summer rankings chart.  Not just due to how much I don't care about the Hot 100 right now.   But because I've already covered like half of these songs already in the Top 20.  2017 has been such an irrelevant year for the Hot 100.  But I don't want this thread to stall out.  What did I say about four months ago?

On 5/4/2017 at 0:28 PM, Clappy said:

but I was legitimately surprised how close 1996 was to tying things up.  Have no fear though, 1996 will be the next year I cover in these retrospectives when I get around to doing one again.

Well I've got to keep up with thread continuity.  Alright 1996 give me one reason to keep this thread alive!

Worst list coming in a week or so.

[Joe Biden]

dem macarenas tho

[Clappy]

So who's ready to ride the train back to 1996?

 

Because I'm not!

Yeah I thought that nostalgia would make me reminiscent for this year, but man taking those nostalgia glasses off, it was not.  Like this wasn't one of the worst years I've ever recapped, but it's not one of the best either.  I guess you could say it was a transitional year if that makes any sense.  Like you could see what was about to come in terms of better music was on the horizon, but we just weren't there yet.  That being said, I think the good stuff this year was some of the better stuff I've ever covered doing one of these recaps.  Like Top 5 best music lists I've done so far.  But this worst list?  This worst list took a lot out of me more than it usually does.  If this year had a Top 5 best list I've ever covered, this one also had a Top 5 worst list I've ever covered.  The bad music this year is just inexcusable.  Let's not waste any more time rambling, let's count down!

CLAPPY'S TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 1996

 

Spoiler

So you might be asking yourself in a year where pop music pretty much took an offseason and let rap and R&B reign supreme, there had to be some sort of fun pop, right?  After all, something had to lead way to the sunshine glory that was the late 90s? 

10. “Mouth” – Merrill Bainbridge

 

Okay yeah the sugarcoated fun vibe of this is alright.  I like my bubblegum pop as much as the next guy.  And I do like the beatboxing in the production.  That should be an automatic liking for me because I love beatboxing, we need more of that back here in the present.  So why do I hate this?  Because everything I like is attached to one of the smuggest and stupidest songs I’ve ever listened to.

I have a pretty low tolerance for stupidity in my pop music, yet this somehow manages to press every single button of them with it’s terrible double entendres.  These sex metaphors are so blatant that I can’t believe Merrill actually denies this being a song about sex.  These lyrics are so subtle that you could jab a rusty butter knife right through them.

Kiss me on my salty lips
I bet you feel a little crazy

Gross gross gross.

When I kiss your mouth, I want to taste it.

You can’t taste the inside of someone’s mouth unless you are literally trying to eat it you buffoon.

All the pieces there
Will fit to make you whole

How else would you have sex?  By ear?

And I know where they go.

Good for you.  You paid attention to the human anatomy.  Now excuse me while I wash out the bad taste of this song from my mouth.

 

Spoiler

You know as the years pass by, I wonder if time will ever be kind to Celine Dion?

She has been a walking punchline for nearly twenty years now and it’s not even nostalgic levels like early 90s acts like Vanilla Ice or Milli Vanilli.  I still see people mocking how terrible she is right now with the memes.  The many memes.  It makes me sit back here and wonder if she really is that bad.  But as I sit here and listen to this year end list, it’s…

9. “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” – Celine Dion

 

Hehe puns.  But seriously, I have very vague memories of this being one of the first non-country songs I heard in my house when I was six years old.  I asked my mom what this is and she straight up told me it’s crap.  Decades later, my mother’s definition has stood the test of time for me because I think this is shit too.  It’s seriously one of the most overly dramatic songs I’ve ever heard and Celine sounds utterly ridiculously singing this, as always.  It’s safe to point out why Celine Dion’s music is not aging gracefully and it won’t take until another year with the at the time award winning (and now meme-worthy) and overexposed Titanic song that the public finally started to get fed up with Celine’s shtick.  So excuse me while I tear my ears out like this and glue it back in place like that.

 

Spoiler

Here’s one thing we haven’t talked about during MY best/worst countdowns.  NEPOTISM!  Because nepotism is definitely responsible for this next act.

8. “Anything” – 3T

 

Granted you can also blame my hatred for this song being as interesting as watching paint dry.  No but the story behind these one hit wonders are that they are the nephews of Michael Jackson.  Sony and Warner Brothers realized “Hey, the Jacksons are such powerful acts in the music industry, so let’s make them recording artists and watch the money pile up!”  Well I’ll give them this, they at least sound like Michael, but you know at least Michael was a multi-versatile performer.  These guys are so uninteresting and unimpressive that I haven’t even talked about how by the numbers this song is.  It’s another “I’ll do anything for love” ballad that I’ve heard done far too many times, especially on this year-end list.  But it just occurred to me that all three are singing to the same girl.  Guys…I don’t know if you realized this…but THERE ARE THREE OF YOU AND ONE OF HER!

Michael may have been hit or miss when it came to love ballads, but if I wanted to listen to any of the Jackson men sing about this subject matter, I would listen to the original.  Not the Kidz Bop version.  Next!

 

Spoiler

I’m going to be honest.  It’s hard to try to separate artists from their personal lives sometimes.  Especially when you know how despicable of a human being they are.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/jimderogatis/parents-told-police-r-kelly-is-keeping-women-in-a-cult?utm_term=.lyaRkmYx9#.wd6K7a3dN

Because molesting underage girls isn’t bad enough, his reputation manages to sink lower and lower. 

But enough about how terrible of a person R. Kelly is, let’s talk about the bad music man…

7. “You Remind Me of Something” – R. Kelly

 

Even with all the second glances of his music knowing what we know about the man now, I’ve always hated this.  Let’s get the obvious out of the way, yes this song is referenced in reviews of “Show Me”.  But the defense of it’s funny that the girl reminds R. Kelly of a jeep is a joke is not flattering.  It’s disgusting.  Ladies, I know I asked you months ago if you found it flattering that your body is being compared to a backroad, but does a jeep make it really that much better?

I don’t think any woman would find being objectified flattering but especially to a jeep.  A stocky, square shaped jeep.  That R. Kelly wants to wax too apparently.  And pump up the sound in his bass.  Good lord how many things does he want to objectify this girl towards?  Then again, this is the same guy who likes to hold his women in sex cults…okay I’m moving on before I talk any more about this repulsive vile human being.

 

Spoiler

I…I got nothing.  No preamble.  This song is already far too deep into the depths of my head to even think of anything but that nursery rhyme of a bridge.

6. “I Love You Always Forever” – Donna Lewis

 

This song.  It’s so vapidly worthless outside of that admittedly gigantic ear worm of a bridge that I have nothing to actually say.  Seriously, remove the bridge and maybe the chorus and you have one of the most tediously dull songs out there.  Not to mention that Donna Lewis is so interchangeable that if you gave this song to anyone with her Cyndi Lauper-esque voice, it would have been a hit for anyone.

 

Spoiler

So let me ask, has anyone ever seen the movie Waiting to Exhale?

Because on this year-end list, we have FIVE songs from that soundtrack.  I looked up the box office performance for this movie.  It did okay, not game changing, but still FIVE HITS!?  I watched the movie for more research.  It was rather forgettable.  These songs were pretty much interchangeable to the actual movie from what I remember.  I just don’t understand how this was a cultural phenomenon…but then again I was six so what do I know.

Well let’s talk about the worst one from this soundtrack and it comes from none other than Whitney Houston.

5. “Exhale (Shoop Shoop)” – Whitney Houston

 

Let’s listen to Whitney Houston talk about how everyone falls in love sometimes like she’s the first person to ever tackle this subject matter.  Whitney, you’ve done this subject time and time and time again.  You aren’t the first.  No let’s listen to Whitney Houston turn this song into a mellow soulful ballad about falling in love like she has never done that one before.  Or how about we talk about how this chorus doesn’t have any actual words in the English language and just a bunch of nonsense like shoop shoop shoop bee doop.  ESPECIALLY TRYING TO PASS OFF THIS NONSENSE AS MEANINGFUL.

Nah, let’s just say what this really is.  It’s a shitty unoriginal song that doesn’t challenge any performer at all.  Especially for one of the greatest vocalists from this decade.  Next.

 

Spoiler

Jealousy is a tough subject matter to write a song abou…wait a minute.  I just wrote a preamble for this same topic last time.  Who in the nine hells wrote a song about it this time?

Oh good lord…

4. “Jealousy” – Natalie Merchant

 

I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but Natalie Merchant is just terrible.  I have no idea who in adult contemporary land decided let’s give this woman multiple hits because I can’t think of one of them I even remotely like.  At least her other hit was about telling physically handicapped people can overcome their disabilities, which is a good message despite being a dull song.  This one, which is about an emotion, is performed as much emotion as a broken ceiling fan.  I’ve never been this bored listening to song about jealousy.  I can’t even tell if this is about her being jealous over a guy or that she knows that the guy still thinks of her.  I just don’t care.  Hell this song is so unremarkable it doesn’t even have its own Wikipedia page.  You can’t even comment on the YouTube page about how awful this song is, hell even if you like it you can’t let Natalie Merchant's official YouTube page know.  Fuck you Natalie Merchant.  You untalented hack.  Next.

 

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXxRyNvTPr8

1996!  Another great year for one of the biggest acts of the decade Boyz II Men as they, along with Mariah Carey, set the record for longest reign atop the Billboard Hot 100 (now tied thanks to Despacito).  So you all know what happens when acts become this dominant.  The imitators come out in full force.

3. “The Earth, the Sun, the Rain” – Color Me Badd

 

I can’t say that I’ve listened to enough of the Boyz II Men carbon copies to make this following proclamation, but I’ll be damned if Color Me Badd isn’t the worst of them.  These guys aren’t just untalented.  They are anti-charismatic vacuums if this single isn’t proof of it.  I’ve said some pretty bad things about 3T a few seconds ago, but at least they can harmonize to make a unified sound.  These guys just don’t mesh well at all.  At least show some fucking enthusiasm when you are talking about this girl, Christ Almighty!  I can barely understand a single thing you guys are saying because none of you are fucking ANNUNCIATING.  Here let me summarize my thoughts in one sentence.  Color Me Badd mumble mumble mumble mumble loving you girl mumble mumble mumble…yeah…

 

Spoiler

Some of you may know this about me, but to those who don’t, I am a religious man.  I’m not one to spread my beliefs onto you as I truly believe that everyone has the right to believe what they believe.  But yeah, I believe in a higher power out there and that He is watching over me and I worship Him.  So believe me when I say that if I’m offended by any sorts of religious messages, I’ll let my opinion speak for itself.

2. “One of Us” – Joan Osborne

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPFnHdJ0dl0

You know at first glance, I would understand if you think that this opinion is controversial because so many people tend to declare this a good, hell even great song.  Believe what you want to believe, but I’ve always…and I mean always thought this song was an overwritten piece of shit.  This song tries to pass itself as deep meaningful art in motion.  But it really is offensively stupid question after offensively stupid question about god living amongst us.

If God had a name, what would it be?
And would you call it to his face?
If you were faced with Him in all His glory?
What would you ask if you asked one question?

That’s technically three questions already, but lord these questions get so much worse...SO MUCH WORSE

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us?

A SLOB?!!?  If I ever heard a record scratch doing one of these, boy it fits right now.

Just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home?

Then leave him the hell alone you nusance.  Honestly, I could post every questionable lyric after questionable lyric about this god awful song, but sadly even after sharing these lyrics, it’s those two lines about God possibly being a slob that I remember and ironically, I think those are the only two lines nearly any casual listener knows.  Hell, Austin Powers even knows it.

If Dr. Evil is mocking this song’s existence, it’s a bad bad song.  Hell I would believe it more if Mike Myers wrote it.  I just question this song’s existence.

 

Spoiler

Most years, I like to keep my number one choice a surprise, but when it comes to this year, there was no contest what was going to be the number one.

Yeah, not that one.  The other one.

1. “Macarena” – Los del Rio

Christ, I didn’t even know this version actually charted until I saw Wumbo’s retrospective nearly four years ago.  Say what you want about the Bayside Boys Mix, it’s pretty damn terrible.  And the infamous video just emphasizes how big of a fluke those two goofballs are dancing with all those hot women.  But at least the Bayside Boys have rhythm and energy.  And reminds me of what’s to come about pop music sounding happy again in the late 90s.  And more importantly, you can listen to it.

What the hell are we supposed to do with the original?  Just let it be background white noise?  Because it’s not even catchy enough to be that.  Hell even the chorus sounds worse because the noise that comes after “Hey Macarena” just sounds ridiculously out of place with just guitars and the clapping.  I take everything back I’ve ever said about the Bayside Boys mix being the absolute worst.  Recapping this year has made me realize it goes further than what I thought could be rock bottom.  The original is ten times worse than what I thought was the original absolute worst.  This song can go fuck itself.

Best list is in the works as I post this.  Probably won't come until about a week or so depending on how smoothly everything goes at work the coming days.  Until then, thanks for reading as always.

[Clappy]

So yeah, now that we got one of the worst five year end retrospectives I've ever covered out of the way, let's talk about one of the best.  So while 1996 was an overall decent enough year, this best list is just awesome.  It seriously ranks up there and not only does it make me happy, it makes me nostalgic for this whole messy decade.  Well you've guys waited long enough for this list, so what's the point of building it up any longer?  For likes?  Nonsense, it's for you guys like it always is.  So come on Wumbo, Kat, Fred, Steel, and maybe some random follower who tunes in along the way like Renegade did last time.  Let's count down!

CLAPPY'S TOP TEN BEST HIT SONGS OF 1996

 

Spoiler

One of my favorite things about doing these year-end retrospectives is that you come across little known songs that you never knew existed.  Like if I never did this year, I wouldn’t have ever known this existed.

10. “Hook” – Blues Traveler

 

And now it’s one of my favorite songs…for the temporary time being.

Okay that’s an overexaggeration but this song is genuinely awesome.  It directly aims at the listener and it is commentary on how vacuous and shallow the success of pop songs are while being a pop song.  Now that should frustrate me right?  After all, on my last year end retrospective, I didn’t like The Logical Song for doing the same damn thing, but that’s because it wasn’t as catchy as this is. 

Just like the song so eloquently states, it’s that hook that keeps bringing me back to this one.  That actual guitar strumming, that awesome harmonica playing, that rawness of this guy’s vocals…it just keeps bringing me back to listening it over and over…even though it really is a song about nothing.  But hey, for a song about nothing, it’s awesome as hell.

 

Spoiler

The year was 1996 and one Gwen Renee Stefani has her career breakthrough!

9. “Just a Girl” – No Doubt

 

In a year chalk full of woman singing about how strong and independent they are, this one beat them all because of how raw, gritty, and urgent Gwen sings it.  You have no choice but to believe it because Gwen has had it up to here with gender stereotyping.  And as someone who supports equal rights, I absolutely buy every word she is saying.

I’ve always thought Gwen being with No Doubt is ten times better than her solo career and this song is one of my personal favorites of theirs.  Without a doubt.  

 

Spoiler

One thing that I came across this year were a lot of infidelity themed songs on this list.  I know that divorce rates started to rise rapidly in the 90s but damn I didn’t know it would bring that much songwriting material out of it.  So yeah, with how repetitive I felt the topic got from this year, only one managed to stand out.

8. “If Your Girl Only Knew” - Aaliyah

Damn.

Yeah this was a tough song to write a summary about because what else is there to say?  Aaliyah is having absolutely none of this bullshit.  Line by line, Aaliyah is just roasting this guy.  She may have been the cause of cheating, but she isn’t going to put up with this guy long enough for it to become full circle. 

And to think, this is coming from a seventeen year old?  Damn.  Aaliyah’s death is still one of the saddest in the music industry, taken way too soon.

 

Spoiler

Mariah Carey is awesome.  No discussion.

7. “Always Be My Baby” – Mariah Carey

 

There is a reason we compare artists with pipes like Ariana Grande to Mariah for a reason.  It’s because Mariah has been making hits now for three decades and she’s just that damn good at it.  Every time Mariah sings she just makes it sound so effortless and that it just comes naturally to her.  Granted I like the Fantasy remix with Ol Dirty Bastard more than this (the original Fantasy is my number eleven of this year), but when it comes to natural Mariah Carey performances, this is no doubt my favorite Mariah song from this year.  She just sounds so happy that you will always be her baby and as someone who grew up with a massive crush on Mariah Carey...um yeah, this does it for me.  I'll always be yours Mariah.  Love, Clappy.

 

Spoiler

Okay, if I can take a quick moment from this best list, can I just rant how damn tired I was of covering all the freaking double songs this year?  It’s called hit SONG not hit SONGS PLURAL.  CHRIST!  QUIT MAKING MY JOB THAT MUCH HARDER BILLBOARD.  NOW I’M GOING TO HAVE TO JUDGE TWO SONGS AT ONCE INSTEAD OF ONE.

That being said, Gin Blossoms is a great pop rock group.

6. “Follow You Down/’Til I Hear It From You” – Gin Blossoms

 

…sigh, I really didn’t want to rank Follow You Down this low.  That song is freaking great and deserves to be much higher.  Pop rock perfection.  Not taking away ‘Til I Hear It From You at all.  That song is fine and all, but after I hear it, I forget about it until the next time I hear it.  Follow You Down, on the other hand, is a freaking classic.  I will never get tired of hearing it, no matter how many times the media puts that song in any sort of 90s based sitcom setting or movie.  It’s overused and played for a reason guys.  Rock on Gin Blossoms!

 

Spoiler

And just like with Gin Blossoms, I didn’t want to have to judge one of my favorite rap songs of the 90s as a FREAKING DOUBLE TRACK!

5. “How Do U Want It/California Love” – 2Pac (featuring K-Ci and JoJo)

Yeah if this was just California Love, this list would be that much better.  How Do U Want It is fine and all, but there is a reason it’s not mentioned as one of his best…just saying.  It’s not one of the best rap songs of all time.  I fucking love California Love and it’s definitely high up there in terms of my favorite rap songs EVER.  California Love just further exemplifies not just how great 2Pac is, but how awesome the state of California is.  Better than the Red Hot Chili Peppers, better than Katy Perry, better than The Beach Boys, better than Led Zeppelin.  2Pac has the best California anthem of all time.  Seriously, there’s a reason no one makes songs about how awesome it is to be from Virginia.  Just saying.

 

Spoiler

You know what genre needs to make a comeback?  New jack swing.  And what better way to present this case with honestly one of the coolest songs I’ve ever heard.

4. “No Diggity” – Blackstreet (featuring Dr. Dre)

Just every single thing about this song screams we’re awesome and better than you.  And you know what?  This song is more awesome than I ever will hope to be.  They even make a ridiculous nonsensical phrase like No Diggity work.  But can we stop and appreciate that piano hook, my god it’s so sweet.

For as awesomely slick and cool as this song is, did you guys know that Blackstreet didn’t like it at first?  Yeah that’s why they asked Dr. Dre for that opening verse to give it some credibility as well as Queen Pen near the end.  Which it does, but as great as Dre and Pen’s verses are, the rest of this song is even better.  So shut up Blackstreet, you guys are so fucking cool!

Granted the rest of your discography is a mixed bag with nothing as awesome as No Diggity.

 

Spoiler

So I’m just going to put it out there, one of my favorite movies from the 1990s is Dangerous Minds.  And there was a certain song that was the theme for this movie about Michelle Pfeiffer teaching in a racially segregated, poverty-stricken, deprived school.  This song became one of the biggest songs of all time according to Billboard and it’s an awesome song at that.

3. “Gangsta’s Paradise” – Coolio (featuring L.V.)

This narrative man.  It’s just haunting.  It’s honest.  All the gangster rap I heard this year and to this day, it just flaunts about how awesome it is.  When in all honesty, that’s not always the case.  That’s why I respect this song so damn much because Coolio just brings it back down to Earth.  Every time I hear this song, every time I watch the movie it is soundtracked for, it just gives me the chills man.  Without a doubt, the realest gangster rap song I’ve ever heard.

 

Spoiler

Honestly, my top two songs were a neck and neck tie.  Part of the delay was not just time constraint related, but it was flip flopping these two choices.  And while I think I’ve finally decided, I’m not sure if any of you feel the way I do ABOUT YOU NOW

2. “Wonderwall” – Oasis

 

…haha LYRICS.  No but as far up their asses that Oasis ended up becoming after all the praise and awards and recognition, I still consider myself a big fan of their music.  And as overrated as fuck this song has become with it being an instant go to song for white guys with acoustic guitars, there is a reason for that.  Because this song is fucking awesome.  I don’t give a shit about who the song Liam Gallagher says it is for, girlfriend, imaginary friend, it just works in context for anyone because it’s so simple.  Its simplicity just works in a way that rarely any song is able to replicate.  I hate to bring them up, but since it is so often in regards to this song, it’s Beatles-esque.

I’m not going to make many friends with this one, but for as much as I love The Beatles, some of their library (not all of it mind you) contains the simplest of songs that just work because of the conviction of how they perform it.  For example, I Want to Hold Your Hand, one of my favorite Beatles songs, is simple in concept and easily straightforward.  But the way they perform it, is simply earnest.

Wonderwall is just that.  Simply earnest, straight forward, stripped back, and just honest.  Oasis may have had one better song in their library (Champagne Supernova is one of my favorite songs of all time), but this is seriously my most listened to song on this year-end list when it comes to my iTunes playlist.  I would defend this song to the death, come at me.

 

Spoiler

So what tops one of my favorite bands best songs?  Well you’re going to have try REALLY hard to top that.  How about a song that just absolutely broke my heart?

1. “Tha Crossroads” – Bone Thugs N Harmony

Okay now that you’ve made it at least past the minute long intro, ONE OF THE BEST IN MUSIC HISTORY, this song is just heartbreakingly beautiful.  Seriously, I bask in every waking moment of this tribute to Eazy-E.  I have always thought that Bone Thugs were an underrated group from it's time that didn't get nearly enough recognition that they so honestly deserved and this song definitely shows how great they are.  Each member kills every verse and fuck it, when I die, this is the sort of tribute that I so respectfully deserve.  I miss when music was this real.  This raw.  This emotionally driven.  Because when you look at the tribute songs we got now, they have to have a comercially driven aspect towards it to make it crossover.  I'll see you at the crossroads Bone Thugs because I can't do this song the proper justice it so rightfully deserves in acclaim.  Rest in peace 1996.

 

Full List:

Spoiler

1. “Tha Crossroads” – Bone Thugs N Harmony

2. “Wonderwall” – Oasis

3. “Gangsta’s Paradise” – Coolio (featuring L.V.)

4. “No Diggity” – Blackstreet (featuring Dr. Dre)

5. “How Do U Want It/California Love” – 2Pac (featuring K-Ci and JoJo)

6. “Follow You Down/’Til I Hear It From You” – Gin Blossoms

7. “Always Be My Baby” – Mariah Carey

8. “If Your Girl Only Knew” - Aaliyah

9. “Just a Girl” – No Doubt

10. “Hook” – Blues Traveler

11. “Fantasy” – Mariah Carey

12. “1979” – The Smashing Pumpkins

13. “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” – Deep Blue Something

14. “Give Me One Reason” – Tracy Chapman

15. “Only You” – 112 (featuring The Notorious B.I.G. and Mase)

16. “Elevators (Me & You)” - Outkast

17. “The World I Know” – Collective Soul

18. “Pony” - Ginuwine

19. “Woo Hah!! Got You All in Check” – Busta Rhymes

20. “Only Wanna Be With You” – Hootie & the Blowfish

21. “Diggin’ On You” - TLC

22. “Ironic” – Alanis Morissette

23. “1, 2, 3, 4 (Sumpin’ New)” – Coolio

24. “Keep On, Keepin’ On” – MC Lyte (featuring Xscape)

25. “My Boo” – Ghost Town DJs

26. “If It Makes You Happy” – Sheryl Crow

27. “Name” – Goo Goo Dolls

28. “Twisted” – Keith Sweat

29. “Runaway” – Janet Jackson

30. “Theme from Mission: Impossible” – Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen

31. “Missing” – Everything but the Girl

32. “I Got Id” – Pearl Jam

33. “Nobody Knows” – The Tony Rich Project

34. “One Sweet Day” – Boyz II Men & Mariah Carey

35. “Time” – Hootie & the Blowfish

36. “You Learn/You Oughta Know” – Alanis Morissette

37. “Change the World” – Eric Clapton

38. “Why I Love You So Much/Ain’t Nobody” - Monica

39. “Before You Walk Out of My Life/Like This and Like That” - Monica

40. “Soon as I Get Home” – Faith Evans

41. “That Girl” – Maxi Priest (featuring Shaggy)

42. “Nobody” – Keith Sweat (featuring Athena Cage)

43. “Children” – Robert Miles

44. “I Want to Come Over” – Melissa Etheridge

45. “Hit Me Off” – New Edition

46. “All The Things (Your Man Won’t Do)” - Joe

47. “Old Man and Me (When I Get to Heaven)” – Hootie & the Blowfish

48. “Loungin’” – LL Cool J

49. “Set U Free” – Planet Soul

50. “You’ll See” - Madonna

51. “Sweet Dreams” – La Bouche

52. “Un-Break My Heart” – Toni Braxton

53. “You’re The One” - SWV

54. “Counting Blue Stars” - Dishwalla

55. “Where Did You Go” – No Mercy

56. “I Can’t Sleep Baby (If I)” – R. Kelly

57. “Count on Me” – Whitney Houson (featuring CeCe Winans)

58. “Don’t Cry” - Seal

59. “Last Night” – Az Yet

60. “Where Do You Go” – No Mercy

61. “Lady” – D’Angelo

62. “Key West Intermezzo (I Saw You First)” – John Mellencamp

63. “Fastlove” – George Michael

64. “Tonite’s tha Night” – Kris Kross

65. “Because You Loved Me” – Celine Dion

66. “Wonder” – Natalie Merchant

67. “You’re Makin’ Me High/Let it Flow” – Toni Braxton

68. “Who Do U Love” – Deborah Cox

69. “Down Low (Nobody Has to Know)” – R. Kelly

70. “Touch Me Tease Me” – Case (featuring Foxy Brown)

71. “Beautiful Life” – Ace of Base

72. “Tell Me” – Groove Theory

73. “Who Will Save Your Soul” - Jewel

74. “This Is Your Night” - Amber

75. “Back for Good” – Take That

76. “Hey Lover” – LL Cool J

77. “Sittin’ Up In My Room” - Brandy

78. “Until It Sleeps” - Metallica

79. “As I Lay Me Down” – Sophie B. Hawkins

80. “Closer to Free” - BoDeans

81. “Not Gon’ Cry” – Mary J. Blige

82. “Kissin’ You” - Total

83. “Doin’ It” – LL Cool J

84. “Po Pimp” – Twista (featuring Po Pimp)

85. “Be My Lover” – La Bouche

86. “Insensitive” – Jann Arden

87. “C’mon and Ride It (The Train)” – Quad City DJs

88. “Get Money” – Junior M.A.F.I.A (featuring The Notorious B.I.G.)

89. “Hay” – Crucial Conflict

90. “Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix)” – Los del Rio

91. “Mouth” – Merrill Bainbridge

92. “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” – Celine Dion

93. “Anything” – 3T

94. “You Remind Me of Something” – R. Kelly

95. “I Love You Always Forever” – Donna Lewis

96. “Exhale (Shoop Shoop)” – Whitney Houston

97. “Jealousy” – Natalie Merchant

98. “The Earth, the Sun, the Rain” – Color Me Badd

99. “One of Us” – Joan Osborne

100. “Macarena” – Los del Rio

 

As always, glad to share my opinions with you guys on other songs and once again, thanks for reading guys!

[Katniss]

Gwen and Mariah are queens, thanks for recognizing.

Your thoughts on:

Fantasy

1979

Pony

You Learn/You Oughta Know

[Joe Biden]

Your thoughts on:

Breakfast at Tiffany's

Give Me One Reason

Ironic

Counting Blue Cars

Name

The World I Know

Be My Lover

One Sweet Day

Nobody

Only Wanna Be with You

[Wumbo]

NOW YOU KNOW MY PAIN WITH THE FUCKING DOUBLE SINGLES HOLY SHIIIIIT

Awesome lists, my dude. I'll add to your workload with requests on:

Woo Hah!

As I Lay Me Down

Doin' It

Until it Sleeps

Fastlove

[Steel Sponge]

Spoiler

Surprised to see "Wonderwall" so high, but then again, I'm the kind of person who feels that Oasis have done far better than with their biggest hit. In another note, it's daunting how "Champagne Supernova" was a radio hit, but it wasn't countable towards the Hot 100 chart due to Billboard's deep cuts/physical single rule back in those days. (That in which I already talked about when I re-reviewed the incredibly disposable 1997 year-end list.)

Thoughts on:

Who Will Save Your Soul

Elevators

Un-Break My Heart

Wonder

Twisted

My Boo

[Clappy]

Sorry for delayed thoughts:

Fantasy - I like the original a lot but the remix with ODB is seriously one of my favorite Mariah songs.

1979 - One of the best in The Smashing Pumpkins discography, which...and I'll be honest, I've been hit or miss on the band as a whole because I'm not the biggest fan of Billy Corgan.

Pony - Huge guilty pleasure.  Sexy as hell song despite being admittedly stupid as hell.

You Learn/You Oughta Know - The latter would be in my top twenty while the former would be somewhere in the middle of this list so where I have it ranked seems just fine...fucking double singles man.

Breakfast at Tiffanys - An even bigger guilty pleasure since I've been on those sort of mediocre dates where the only thing me and a girl have in common is our taste in movies.  Never would fully commit like the guy in this song did though.

Give Me One Reason - Probably should have it much closer to the top ten in hindsight.  But yeah awesome as hell song.  That best list left out some worthy contenders like this one.

Ironic - IT'S LIKE RAY E YAIN!

Counting Blue Cars - I would like this song more if I didn't hate the chorus because it's a fine enough song as is.  That chorus is just...I'm done with it.  ALL MY THOUGHTS!?

Name - I like The Goo Goo Dolls a lot but this is one of their lesser tier songs.  Still good though.

The World I Know - Great adult alternative music!

Be My Lover - God the dance tracks this year were just annoying as hell for the most part.  Case in point.

One Sweet Day - See Steel's song vs song thread about this vs Despacito.  Good but disappointing from the artists involved who can do so much better.

Nobody - I remember Wumbo hating on this guy from his retrospective on this year.  Honestly, I don't think he's that bad.  I like his voice.

Only Wanna Be With You - My favorite Hootie song from this year.  Love it.

Woo Hah! - Like I said with Tracy and a few other opinions that I loved said songs, that best list had some tough omissions like this. 

As I Lay Me Down - Boring as tar but I don't find this nearly as terrible as you seem to.

Doin' It - Is it just me or have we been too kind to LL Cool J's work because not a single song impressed me on this list of his with this being by far his worst...and by worst I mean this is supremely dull.

Until It Sleeps - Good lord I wanted to place this on the actual list just to talk about how terribly Metallica aged the longer they lasted.  Awful song.

Fastlove - My history with George Michael is messy.  Consider this one of his more forgettable songs.

Who Will Save Your Soul - Who will save Jewel from committing career suicide a few years later?  Even though I find Jewel to be okay, this was not one of her better songs.

Elevators - Love Outkast, even at their more experimental phase...I'm surprised this even charted once I heard it.

Un-Break My Heart - Right in the middle seems about right for this.  Don't really like it but don't really hate it either since the effort is clearly there.

Wonder - Like I said, for as awful as I find Natalie Merchant, I can at least see who this song is for and who would like it...not me though.

Twisted - Repeating myself again, Keith Sweat is solid but this is by far the better song that shows off his voice better.

My Boo - This would have been lower if I did this a few years before the Running Man Challenge became a thing.  Now that it is of meme fame, it actually grew on me a hell of a lot.  Congratulations Internet for making an otherwise forgettable R&B insanely memorable.

 

[Clappy]

Well the year end 2017 charts are two months away and I'm not going to even bother covering the Hot 100 this fall because I feel like that will be giving way too much away for the rest of this year.  And as I've stated previously, I don't want this thread to fade away.  So I created another poll!  I'll let you guys decide what you want to see next.  But before I do, an explanation about the choices listed above.

-Only chose two genre charts.  Why those two?  Because I feel that it won't be giving away nearly as much of my thoughts on the songs I'll be covering around year end time, unlike the pop charts, the hip-hop/R&B charts, and the main Hot 100 would.

-If you guys want me to do another year end list, that's cool and all.  Just comment which year you would like to see me cover and I'll pick amongst the choices suggested.  Dealer's choice.  

So go ahead and vote below!  I'll give it about a week or two before I lock the poll and we shall go from there!

[Joe Biden]

Chose year end charts cuz I'm one of those grandpas who doesn't listen to today's music as much as I do older music.

 

As for the years I'm interested in:

1977, 1983, 1987 (I mean, you did mention that list you were gonna make ), 1993, 1994, and 1999 again 2000

[Steel Sponge]

If there isn't enough of a deal for covering the alt charts, then here's what I'd vote on for a year-end list review:

1981, 1960, 1997, 2003

Either one will do. I'd think it'd be interesting to try and cover a year-end list that feels disposable at most. (Maybe except 2003, since I think that's usually up most of our allies.)

Edited October 13, 2017 by Pumpkinhead

[Wumbo]

Yo if you're down for a collab I'd love to do the alt charts with you. Or if you'd prefer to do them yourself.

[CyanideFishbone]

On 10/1/2017 at 8:42 PM, The Headless Clappy said:

Sorry for delayed thoughts:

Fantasy - I like the original a lot but the remix with ODB is seriously one of my favorite Mariah songs.

1979 - One of the best in The Smashing Pumpkins discography, which...and I'll be honest, I've been hit or miss on the band as a whole because I'm not the biggest fan of Billy Corgan.

Pony - Huge guilty pleasure.  Sexy as hell song despite being admittedly stupid as hell.

You Learn/You Oughta Know - The latter would be in my top twenty while the former would be somewhere in the middle of this list so where I have it ranked seems just fine...fucking double singles man.

Breakfast at Tiffanys - An even bigger guilty pleasure since I've been on those sort of mediocre dates where the only thing me and a girl have in common is our taste in movies.  Never would fully commit like the guy in this song did though.

Give Me One Reason - Probably should have it much closer to the top ten in hindsight.  But yeah awesome as hell song.  That best list left out some worthy contenders like this one.

Ironic - IT'S LIKE RAY E YAIN!

Counting Blue Cars - I would like this song more if I didn't hate the chorus because it's a fine enough song as is.  That chorus is just...I'm done with it.  ALL MY THOUGHTS!?

Name - I like The Goo Goo Dolls a lot but this is one of their lesser tier songs.  Still good though.

The World I Know - Great adult alternative music!

Be My Lover - God the dance tracks this year were just annoying as hell for the most part.  Case in point.

One Sweet Day - See Steel's song vs song thread about this vs Despacito.  Good but disappointing from the artists involved who can do so much better.

Nobody - I remember Wumbo hating on this guy from his retrospective on this year.  Honestly, I don't think he's that bad.  I like his voice.

Only Wanna Be With You - My favorite Hootie song from this year.  Love it.

Woo Hah! - Like I said with Tracy and a few other opinions that I loved said songs, that best list had some tough omissions like this. 

As I Lay Me Down - Boring as tar but I don't find this nearly as terrible as you seem to.

Doin' It - Is it just me or have we been too kind to LL Cool J's work because not a single song impressed me on this list of his with this being by far his worst...and by worst I mean this is supremely dull.

Until It Sleeps - Good lord I wanted to place this on the actual list just to talk about how terribly Metallica aged the longer they lasted.  Awful song.

Fastlove - My history with George Michael is messy.  Consider this one of his more forgettable songs.

Who Will Save Your Soul - Who will save Jewel from committing career suicide a few years later?  At least that song was interesting compared to this piece of uninteresting schlock.

Elevators - Love Outkast, even at their more experimental phase...I'm surprised this even charted once I heard it.

Un-Break My Heart - Right in the middle seems about right for this.  Don't really like it but don't really hate it either since the effort is clearly there.

Wonder - Like I said, for as awful as I find Natalie Merchant, I can at least see who this song is for and who would like it...not me though.

Twisted - Repeating myself again, Keith Sweat is solid but this is by far the better song that shows off his voice better.

My Boo - This would have been lower if I did this a few years before the Running Man Challenge became a thing.  Now that it is of meme fame, it actually grew on me a hell of a lot.  Congratulations Internet for making an otherwise forgettable R&B insanely memorable.

 

On the 1979 part, is it his voice or him as a person? Because he's an awful human being but one of my favorite singers of all time, but his voice really isn't for everyone.

[Katniss]

I was going to say cover 2006 but I checked and you already did that  (and side note but you better explain yourself as to why Hips Don't Lie didn't make your best list )

[Clappy]

Well it looks like we have a tie.  I guess I should break the tie with....

On 10/14/2017 at 11:45 AM, Graveyard Smash said:

Yo if you're down for a collab I'd love to do the alt charts with you. Or if you'd prefer to do them yourself.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A WINNER.

Honestly, I've been wanting to cover one of the genre charts for awhile now, so even before Wumbo posted that, I would have picked one of the first two options if it came down to a tie.  Things are about to get interesting in this thread.  Wumbo check your PM box and let's get to work. 

[Clappy]

On 10/14/2017 at 10:35 PM, CyanideFishbone said:

On the 1979 part, is it his voice or him as a person? Because he's an awful human being but one of my favorite singers of all time, but his voice really isn't for everyone.

Both actually, but I do like his voice on 1979 more than I can on most Smashing Pumpkins songs.

On 10/15/2017 at 12:28 PM, Katwoman said:

I was going to say cover 2006 but I checked and you already did that  (and side note but you better explain yourself as to why Hips Don't Lie didn't make your best list )

Hips Don't Lie was one of the better songs from that year if that makes you feel any better.   

[Katniss]

Just now, The Headless Clappy said:

Both actually, but I do like his voice on 1979 more than I can on most Smashing Pumpkins songs.

Hips Don't Lie was one of the better songs from that year if that makes you feel any better.   

Yes it does, and I'm looking forward to seeing you and Wumbo cover the alternative charts  

[Clappy]

Clappy: So you guys voted for it, you guys are going to get it.  I'm going to tackle the once prominent alt rock genre.  Now a days?  It's a shell of a shell of its former self.  Rock has just not aged gracefully as a genre in 2017 and it's become incredibly uninteresting...or at least I think it has.  Is it?  Well there is only one way to find out if all these statements are true.  By tackling the genre chart itself.  But I can't do it alone.  That's why I messaged a good friend to give me a hand.  Take it away, Wumbro!

Wumbo: For a few years now, I have been flat bored by alt rock radio. It seems that everything they play fits into two categories: wannabe Mumford & Sons, or wannabe Imagine Dragons. Rarely do I hear something that I feel really shakes up the atmosphere of the current rock n' roll stations, but I suppose that's why I'm helping Clappy out with this list. to prove myself wrong and to uncover the true state of the alt rock charts. From worst to best, let's get started.

 

CLAPPY AND WUMBO RANK AND REVIEW THE FALL 2017 ALTERNATIVE CHARTS

Edit: Due to a massive delay on my end, we are tackling the charts as of three weeks ago.  Some of the songs on this list may or may not still be presently in the Top 20.

 

Spoiler

Wumbo and I agreed to disagree on most of the positions on this list.  But we definitely agreed on one thing without a doubt.  That the worst thing on this list was the absolute worst.

20. “Believer” – Imagine Dragons

Clappy - #20

But at least it delivers on one promise….PAIN!  This song has been a…PAIN…in my ass since the first time I heard it and it still brings me…PAIN…relistening to this trying to think of something to say about it.  Call it a glaring hint that this song blows massive amounts of chunks that I’m probably going to have to come up with something else to say about it next month, but I don’t care or plan to be coy about it.  I fucking hate this and it actually made me reconsider if I was too harsh on Demons for being a soulless sellout of a song because I’ve been finding more and more movies, tv shows, hell even game consoles using this song to sell its product.  Fuck this song and fuck Imagine Dragons too.

Wumbo - #20

Holy crap, this is still here??

I don't even know what to say. I'd call it amazement, but that implies at least a shred of positivity. Why are we continuing to indulge absolute garbage from an absolutely garbage band? Imagine Dragons suck. And you know what? They've always sucked! I take back anything good I said about them. I listened to "Radioactive" the other day, and I was stunned at just how irritating it sounded to me. That chorus is insufferable, Dan Reynolds just has the absolutely most wretched voice in rock music. Give me a dozen Chad Kroegers in place of him any day of the week.

And "Radioactive" was my favourite Imagine Dragons song. This is by a pretty substantial margin my least favourite Imagine Dragons song, and for good reason. It takes everything awful about this awful, awful band and ramps it up to eleven. Dan Reynolds' voice has never sounded more like ear stabbing than it has here, especially on that awful, awful chorus.

You try to build up your song to the chorus and then when it happens, you just get... PAIN. That one word does more to sum up this song than I ever could. And the fact that it's still here how many months later? Just more... PAIN.

What the fuck is he even saying? I hear "burped me up, you burped me up, believer". That's all this song is, just an enormous clusterfuck of various belches and guttural noises. If this survives into 2018, holy shit, just hang me right now. Absolute garbage.

 

Spoiler

19. “Legends” – Sleeping With Sirens

 

Clappy - #16

I think my ranking might be a bit generous because to me, this is the biggest sellout on this list.  Yes, more of a sellout than Imagine Dragon’s commercial music because Imagine Dragons sold out their artistic integrity years ago.  I discovered Sleeping With Sirens in 2009 at the Warped Tour and while I was never a fan, they at least had a vision.  An identity.  This song is them trying and failing at being a pop rock band.  Absolutely worthless song, but hopefully them selling out got them whatever the hell they wanted because I certainly don’t give a damn about them anymore.

Wumbo - #18

I'm sorry, is it 2005 again? I thought we collectively agreed that these bands are an embarrassment to the rock genre and we wouldn't allow them to have another hit again.

You know, people look down at the pop charts for the crap they allow on their rankings, but we should all be thankful that this shit doesn't make it through the radar. I really can't think of anything to describe this song except "embarrassing". This sounds like a song that would play in a Pokémon movie or something.

Sorry, just... I really believed we were done with music like this. Ballsless "rock" music without an ounce of anything tangible to grab onto. I think Sleeping with Sirens were trying to go the Fall Out Boy route of pop sellout. But to do that, you actually have to have a charming personality, or any personality at all, really. I don't even have anything else, this is just so fundamentally useless.

 

Spoiler

18. “Walk on Water” – 30 Seconds to Mars

 

Clappy - #17

Remember earlier in the year when I talked about purposeful pop and how in this politically driven climate we were going to start getting more and more messages in songs about the times we are living in?  I can see what The Jared Leto Show is trying to do, but Jared Leto’s star power has risen in the years since 30 Seconds to Mars was mainstream relevant.  You know what that means?  COMMERCIALIZE EVERYTHING!

God I’m starting to sound like a hipster, but this song isn’t about college football or cars or television trailers.  It’s message is befuddled at best about how times are changing.  This doesn’t have any statement behind it except WE GOT TO HAVE MONEY!  Make a song about how much you hate Trump all you want, I don’t care, but at least make your song mean something except solely existing to make as much money as possible.

 

Wumbo - #17

Jesus Christ, 30 Seconds to Mars. You're not Rise Against. You're not really much of anything, to be honest, but you're definitely not Rise Against. Stop it with this pseudo-political yet squeaky clean garbage. You're not titillating anybody or breaking any monocles, you're just making unbelievably tedious music. And it's clear you have to steal talent and cred from a gospel choir when you have none for yourselves. Unfortunately, sooner or later, you guys are gonna have to grow up and be a band for yourselves. And amidst all the gimmick, I still don't hear it. Like Clappy said, make a song about hating Trump, or don't. But if you can't actually work up the nerve to castrate the guy with your lyrics and you instead hide behind vague platitudes, then your song is fucking worthless. The shambled corpse of Heath Ledger could shit out a better performance than this. Oh, sorry, I thought we were talking about Suicide Squad for a second. Still holds true. Fuck off, Leto.

 

Spoiler

17. “Ahead of Myself” – X Ambassadors

 

Clappy - #18

Am I getting ahead of myself or is this going to be a commercial for the all new 2018 Jeep Renegade?  Fake garbage of a band these guys are.  I’ll give X Ambassadors this.  This is the closest I’ve seen them trying to be a real rock band and then that chorus hits and god almighty I can’t even begin to describe how uninterested I am in this song trying so badly to crossover like their other pop crossover songs.  Sorry Double Agent, but I don’t always need to hear EDM drops.  Especially in my rock music, Christ.

Wumbo - #16

This is by a large margin the best X Ambassadors song I've ever heard. It still blows.

What the fuck is going on here? You couldn't get any more mileage out of your car-commercial music, so you decided to take a page from Vance Joy's style and merge it with your own? Well, trying to be someone else is a good first step for X Ambassadors, but you also have to be competent, which... you're still having issues with that.

Would it kill these bands to just make something happy? I'm so sick of these "inspirational" beats that I guess are supposed to be uplifting but sound just as boring and depressing as anything else they release. At what point am I supposed to like this? What am I supposed to feel? God, I'm tired.

 

Spoiler

16. “Suit and Jacket” – Judah & the Lion

 

Clappy - #19

Fuck these guys.  I’m sorry but every time I hear this band, they scream “What if Mumford and Sons sucked?”  Nowhere is this more apparent in the musical accompaniment where we hear that banjo, the trap snares, the heavy bass, the drums, the out of nowhere trumpet solo…this song is a fucking mess and this band is an even bigger one.

Wumbo - #13

I think I'm just impressed that this song wasn't as soul-crushingly terrible as "Take It All Back". Not much to say here. For me, this song disappeared into the ether of mediocre folk rock that seems to have a constant stranglehold on alt rock radio. I didn't find this terrible, but I couldn't give a reason for it to exist, either.

 

Spoiler

15. “Thunder” – Imagine Dragons

Clappy - #12

As the wildly different rankings tell ya, I don’t hate this.  Hell, at one point, I actually liked it.  Not anymore though, but it’s still an okay song.  I don’t need to hear Dan Reynolds bragging about how he’s such a big star now when their career prospects were looking bleak after their huge flop of an album two years ago.  But you know what I strangely like a lot?  The chorus.  It reminds me a hell of a lot of Radioactive, which this is definitely no Radioactive, but it has similar elements like the bombastic chorus that you just want to blast.  Granted, I don’t want to blast the pitch shift chorus.  Shut up voices in my head, it’s a not all that bad song.

Wumbo - #19

Okay, fair enough. I'll shut up about this one. I've already said my piece on Imagine Dragons, after all.

...

...

Imagine Dragons broke my brain. Imagine Dragons trashed my room. Imagine Dragons killed my firstborn. I hate this. I hate this band. Holy crap, why won't they just go away?!?

To Clappy, Imagine Dragons still have a shred of dignity they can hold onto. It's an optimistic thought, but to me, this sounds as shitty and rancid as all their garbage songs, and if anything, is the song that took that shred of dignity away for good.

With this song, Imagine Dragons have officially reached late-career Maroon 5 levels of so annoying it has to be intentional. Nobody makes songs like this and "Believer" without the express purpose of annoying the shit out of people. Just replace Dan Reynolds' awful, awful singing with whatever Baby's First Voice Generator program you used to say the word "thunder" and you're all set. This is the #1 song now. This is what the "alternative" listeners are listening to the most. Jesus Christ, the pop charts are less embarrassing than this. Hell, the country charts are less embarrassing!

Can we please kill this band's momentum right in its tracks so they don't survive to 2018? Never have I become so bloody sick of a band's presence before so quickly. Imagine Dragons hates the very concept of music and is working against it. And we're enabling them. Stop. Stop this trainwreck of a band. I beg you.

 

 

Spoiler

14. “Vacation” – Dirty Heads

 

Clappy - #13

On the other hand, I’d rather hear Imagine Dragons talking about telling off their haters unlike these numbnuts because Imagine Dragons have the hits to back it up.  Okay, actually something interesting history about this band.  The lead singer here is the brother of former 311 frontman Jim Watson.  Jared wanted to be a rockstar like his big brother so he created a band that is trying more to be Sublime than 311…which I don’t blame him because Sublime > 311…but their now biggest hit to date is a song about bragging on being vacation because they are successful.  Sir, the fact that your sublime music career hasn’t even taken off yet is a sign to get back in the studio you lazy bum.

Wumbo - #15

This song seems to constantly approach feelings of actual happiness but rarely reaches it in its music. So it just ends up sounding like it's coming from a smug jackass most of the time, like Bruno Mars' "The Lazy Song". The only part of this song I like is the second verse, where the Dirty Heads singer that doesn't sound like complete ass actually seems legitimately happy and grateful for his life. Everything else is a wash and feels like the guy's rubbing his junk in your face as he sings about how great he is. It's like the whole song is coated in Pauly Shore's ball sweat.

But like I said, it at least has one redeeming moment, so that automatically makes it better than the absolute garbage songs I ranked below it. Can't recommend it, though. Not in the slightest.

 

Spoiler

13. “Lay It On Me” – Vance Joy

 

Clappy - #14

I can’t tell the difference between this and “Riptide” like at all.  Hell, and maybe this is my breaking point just looking at these charts, but I am slightly starting to miss the nu-metal phase of ten years ago.  Yes it was all whiny and same soundy, but at least the singers sounded like they had balls at least.  Literally every new song on alt-rock stations these days sound like Vance Joy here.  Soulless shit that all sounds the same.

Wumbo - #14

Pretty much. Vance Joy is living proof that if you have one hit song, you can just re-record it over and over to diminishing quality and nobody will care. This isn't anything terrible, but I'd be hard-pressed to find anything that stands out about it. Why should I listen to this in comparison to, say, The Lumineers, or Mumford & Sons, or literally the dozens upon dozens of bands who sound exactly  like this? It does nothing to really stand out in the rock scene, and for the purposes of this, I had to pick the standouts to top my list, because I am so sick of the homogeneous mush that indie rock radio has become.

 

Spoiler

12. “Angela” – The Lumineers

Clappy - #15

I don’t have much to say about this.  It feels like The Lumineers only write songs about females the lead singer has been in love with.  This is like the fourth one in a row they’ve done?  This is by far the least interesting of them so far.  I’m sorry but if you guys want me to give effort into my commentary, then at least give me something to work with because I’m not going to repeat myself if the band keeps repeating themselves.

Wumbo - #10

I don't know what urges me to be so forgiving to this song, but The Lumineers have always been a weird one for me. I absolutely loathed their soulless, pandering, basically unfinished first single "Ho Hey", and still do. But that song seemed to go over well with everyone else, so I assumed it was just a me thing. Now it seems like buzz on this band is wearing off, and they come out with this song, which is my favourite I've heard by them. Again, I realize that this isn't that different from much of the stuff on alternative radio, but it feels authentic and sincere, something I've never felt from The Lumineers until now. I don't know, it just feels like there's a lot more emotion packed into here than many of their other songs. Suffice to say I've never been a huge fan, but this song is at least a step in the right direction, I think.

 

 

Spoiler

11. “Whole Wide World” – Cage the Elephant

 

Clappy - #9

I’ll be honest, I’m not the biggest fan of Cage the Elephant.  Don’t know how big of a shocker that is to you alt-rock fans out there, but besides Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked, everything else they’ve done is so whiny and bitchy.  Yeah, this song concept is pretty basic, but it’s definitely catchy and doesn’t make me want to change the station unlike a lot of the rest of their discography.  I’ll take it.

Wumbo - #12

Didn't Cage the Elephant songs use to be... smarter than this? I'm not asking for every song by these guys to be Shakespeare, but what exactly is the point of this one specifically? It just kinda sounds like a pathetic dude, and that's not really what I listen to Cage the Elephant songs for. Even the music seems off in this one, it doesn't really feel like a finished song. That said, it does still have some clever wordplay and rhymes here and there, so I can't entirely write it off. I just wish we had more songs like "Cold Cold Cold" and less like this.

 

Spoiler

10. “Golden Dandelions” – Barns Courtney

 

Clappy - #11

Funny how point systems work.  We both have this at the same spot yet it ends up one spot higher.  Otherwise, this song is alright, even though it’s an absolute ripoff of Kings of Leon.  But hey, Kings of Leon used to have the songs to backup their once enormous potential instead of the shit they are doing now which is absolutely weak (except for Waste a Moment, that song is awesome).  I’ll take Kings of Leon-light if that’s the case.

Wumbo - #11

Nah, not much more I can add here. If Kings of Leon are going to fail at making their own music, we may as well allow the blatant ripoffs a shot. Decent song, but that's about it.

 

Spoiler

9. “So Tied Up” – Cold War Kids (featuring Bishop Briggs)

 

Clappy - #7

Oh great Cold War Kids.  What sort of trailer music are they going to make now….oh hey this is actually competent.  I kinda like this quite a bit to be completely honest as this is the most meaningful they have sounded in quite some time.  Although Bishop Briggs clearly blows them out of the water.  This isn’t the first time I’ve heard her as I’ve liked what she’s done (River is an awesome song if you haven’t checked it out before).  So yeah, good job Cold War Kids.  Keep it up and you might come off the shitlist completely.

Wumbo - #9

Cold War Kids are like Imagine Dragons if their lead singer didn't sound like ass and they didn't squander all their goodwill by making increasingly obnoxious music. We'll see where they go from their second breakthrough in 2017, but if they keep going in this direction, I'll be a happy camper. I'll say this: Like Clappy, Bishop Briggs is a huge reason this song works as well as it does for me. She's clearly the more talented vocalist and adds a much-needed flavour to the song, I honestly think it would come off sounding hollow without her. But as is? Yeah, it works. I love the big, booming chorus and as previously stated, Bishop Briggs' performance. Good track.

 

Spoiler

8. “The Way You Used to Do” – Queens of the Stone Age

 

Clappy - #6

I was legit surprised to see that Queens of the Stone Age were still around after all these years.  Granted, I was never the biggest fan of theirs to begin with, but I still liked them.  They are an alright band.  So what about their big comeback single that was still on these charts six months ago when we tried to do this rankings chart?  It’s surprisingly not what I expected.  It’s actually incredibly fun and if this is the new direction they are going to take the band, I’ll take it.  It’s a far cry from their best like “No One Knows”, but compared to a lot of these underwhelming alt-rock charting songs, I’ll take it.

Wumbo - #8

I think through the past ten years or so (!), the main mission of Queens of the Stone Age has been to prove to the public that they're not a redundant band. That explains weird songs like this one, and completely different directions like the way they're taking with "Used to Do". In my mind, Queens of the Stone Age can do no wrong, but as someone who actually doesn't mind that a lot of their old stuff sounds the same, this is a bit hard for me to get into in the context of this band. It's still an incredibly fun song with an infectious groove, but it doesn't feel much like Queens of the Stone Age to me. Maybe it either needs to be more or less different, I'm not sure which. I guess I appreciate the song in a vacuum, but wouldn't call it my favourite Queens of the Stone Age song or anything.

 

Spoiler

7. “No Roots” – Alice Merton

 

Clappy - #8

When I first heard this, I thought it was Florence Welch lite.  Which is already a massive compliment in my books because Florence Welch is fucking amazing and anyone willing to try and replicate her vocal stylings gets my attention.  I think Alice Merton does enough to distinguish this song as her own and mold herself out a personality instead of being a replica of a much better singer.  I do have to say though that chorus is…flat.  It doesn’t do much for me and nearly stalls the song out.  Still like it though.  Quite a bit.

Wumbo - #6

My thoughts are mirrored, but I think I'm a bit more forgiving to the chorus, and I really do appreciate what else the song offers. My only real issue is that the vocals on the chorus sound really silly especially with all the buildup from the verses. But this could have gone really high on my list otherwise. It's a great female-fronted song, the likes of which we desperately need more of on the charts.

 

Spoiler

6. “The Sky is a Neighborhood” – Foo Fighters

 

Clappy - #10

I fucking love Foo Fighters so much.  One of my all time favorite bands and you’ll see me defend them to death more often than not…but today is not that day.  What the hell is this?  Why are Foo Fighters converting to modern alt-rock trends?!  And Dave Grohl, your voice doesn’t work in a blues rock sense…like at all.  I do like that chorus an awful lot though…I’m sorry, but this is not one of the better Foo Fighters singles in quite some time.  Go check out their previous single Run, which would without a doubt be in my top three of this week’s list if it was still here.

Wumbo - #2

I'm not sure how much my bias for Foo Fighters dictates my thoughts and placing here, but I do absolutely love this song, and think it's one of the best they've offered. There are two long-standing bands on this list that have songs that sound drastically different from their original sound, that have both featured Dave Grohl at some point: Queens of the Stone Age and Foo Fighters. I said earlier that Queens had a song that was ambitious, but felt somewhat out of step with their oeuvre.

This is the exact opposite of being out of step. Foo Fighters have long since been evolving their sound to grow with the times, and I'd argue they just keep climbing to new heights by avoiding redundancy and putting together current trends with their own sound. This song absolutely crushes. It takes a simple stomp-stomp clap beat and just hammers the hell out of it, ultimately resulting in one of the hardest-hitting songs of this year. Everything about this song is masterful from such simplicity. I love every second of it, and I am constantly excited to see what Foo Fighters do next.

 

Spoiler

5. “Up All Night” – Beck

 

Clappy - #4

Okay my thoughts have always been mixed when it comes to modern day Beck, the Grammy awards darling who makes art instead of music.  But I’ll be damned if this isn’t the best song I’ve heard from him in quite some time.  Yeah it sounds more pop than it does alt-rock, but hell I’d rather have pop influences than all this doom gloom same sounding shit that’s at the bottom of my list.  Also, that groove is unfuckingtouchable.  If I’m going to remember anything about this years from now, I’ll remember that groove for being so fucking amazing.

Wumbo - #7

You can always count on Beck to add a weird flavour to the alternative charts. With "Wow" late last year and this song this year, Beck proves to still be one of the most eclectic performers of our time. I really like this one; honestly, with the direction pop has taken in recent years, I'd find this pretty hard to distinguish from a pop song. I mean, the difference is there, and it's noticeable, but I couldn't tell you what exactly it all means.

But I do know that I like this song. Unlike a lot of songs on this list, it's fun, bouncy, and all-around enjoyable. I'm not sure how much it'll stick with me over the years, but I'm glad it's here now.

 

Spoiler

4. “Feel It Still” – Portugal. The Man

 

Clappy - #5

It’s so weird to see Portugal. The Man with not just a top alt-rock hit, but a Top 5 HOT 100 hit.  I saw these guys like ten years ago playing local gigs and now they have one of the catchiest commercial jingles in quite some time.  Yeah there is no denying that this song wouldn’t be nearly as big if it wasn’t for that Vitamin Water commercial, that iPad commercial, and whatever else this has been advertised for as of late.  Doesn’t mean it’s a bad song though…polar opposite, it’s damn good.

Wumbo - #3

This song is a pop masterpiece. It honestly gets harder and harder to really distinguish what passes as "alternative" music versus "pop" music these days, but it seems that some of the greatest songs of either genre kind of take some from both elements. This song is a fireball of energy. It's the kind of song that causes you to involuntarily tap your fingers, bob your head, or do most anything to complement the musical journey you're taken on. And even though it's been on the charts since early this year, I feel it. Still.

 

Spoiler

3. “Wish I Knew You” – The Revivalists

 

Clappy - #3

Wish that this got the great fortune that Portugal. The Man got on the other hand.  When I saw that this cracked the HOT 100 for a few weeks, I thought to myself that’s freaking unbelievable.  This is such a bizarrely weird song, but it’s amazing.  I love every single offbeat quirky moment that if this was any more indie, I would find insufferable.  But here, it works.  Not all it needs is an ad campaign and it’ll be the next indie fluke smash.  Paging eHarmony?  Boy do I have the song to reach to the young people to join your site today.

Wumbo - #4

This one surprised me. When it peaked on the radio, I honestly found this song insufferable. I thought on good days that it was a song with squandered potential that mistook eccentricity for flavour. Now that it's cooled off somewhat, I can really appreciate just how masterful a song this is. This is a star-making song if I've ever heard one this year. All the eccentricities that I previously deemed unnecessary just struck me with how charming they were. I can definitely say that I'd rather have this at the top of the charts than what... currently sits atop it.

 

Spoiler

2. “One Foot” – WALK THE MOON

Clappy - #1

Dear pop stations.  Why the hell are you dooming these guys to one hit wonderdom?  They are a great band that deserves a much better fate than what they are getting.  I mean granted, they are trying their damndest to replicate what made Shut Up and Dance work, yet somehow I think this works better than that because it’s an upbeat anthem about how you shouldn’t be afraid to look into the unknown.  It could be shit or it could be one of the best things to ever happen to you.  Something tells me that this is symbolic or something about trying to remain upbeat in present day America or something.  Well if that’s the case, then at least WTM sounds more passionate about it than fucking 30 Seconds to Mars does.  I'm still rooting for ya WALK THE MOON, despite all the odds going against ya getting that second major hit.

Wumbo - #5

This is an awesome pop jam that somehow was just alternative enough to make it onto these charts as well. Still better than when they thought The Chainsmokers deserved to be on the chart. Ugh.

By all accounts, this song is great. However, I think there are two problems that keep it from being one of the very best for me. One, this is WALK THE MOON, and maybe this is really prejudiced of me to say, but I don't think anything they do will live up to "Shut Up and Dance". Two...

http://ytcropper.com/cropped/055a09d3d03b5f0

Yeeesh. That's not a good note. And it's not like it only appears once, either. They not only left that in, but thought it was good enough to permeate the whole song. Bad choice there.

But other than that, yeah, this song is pretty much a modern masterpiece. While they haven't lived up to "Shut Up and Dance", I can't fault 'em for tryin' their damndest to do so.

 

Spoiler

1. “The Man” – The Killers

 

Clappy - #2

Supremely close to topping my own list, but at the end of the day, I can name like three songs I like more from The Killers than this.  But even then, that just goes to show how fucking awesome The Killers are.  This is by far the best thing they’ve done in at least a decade.  Just when I thought The Killers were only going to try and replicate what made them big ten years ago, they come out with this and it absolutely blew my expectations away by a country mile.  Just like Paramore did earlier this year, The Killers take on 80s influences and master them in such amazing fashion.  When it came to recommending songs for my work tracklist earlier this year, I recommended this one and good lord does it feel good to hear this at work every day.  Makes my day so much happier.  Glad to see it top the list regardless of my positioning.

Wumbo - #1

Yeah, it's "The Man". Don't look so shocked, now. If there was to be any band to topple Foo Fighters for me, it would be The Killers. The Killers have the luxury of being a good, solid band, no matter what year it is. This is definitely my favourite song on the list, because The Killers, as they always are, are just masterful musicians here. I absolutely love the new wave and early 80s influences this song has. It fits The Killers perfectly, and they just pump it up to eleven. A lot of the songs on this list have made me want to get up and dance, but none as much as this. I'm so disappointed with the songs on this list that forget that rock music doesn't have to be dour and downcast. If that's what you're going for, fine, but don't make it your band's default sound, for Christ's sake. All I can say is the bouncy, happy, fun music certainly won me over for the most part as far as this list is concerned. And the most fun song on this list steals the top position for me, and for the combined list proper. You can't break it down.

Wumbo: So, final verdict? The alt rock charts are pretty embedded in their ways, but there are a few bright spots. I think my main thesis statement is that I'm so done with mediocrity and ennui drowning these charts. Almost all the happy, fun songs this year were in my top half, and for good reason. I'm not saying all music has to be happy, definitely not. But when you try to go for pseudo-inspirational or just plain sell out to movie trailers, that's where ya lose me.

ToddInTheShadows recently did an excellent video on the state of popular alt rock songs these days, about how just about the only way to get yourselves known and out there is through blatantly selling out to commercials. Unfortunately, it affects the charts, and artistic integrity is seen as an afterthought. I'm not against commercialism on principle; hey, artists gotta eat too. But I am aware of how it affects the charts and it's honestly kinda saddening to see. But as long as we still have artists like Beck, The Killers, Foo Fighters... things are gonna work out okay. Wumbo out.

Clappy: Couldn't say it better myself my friend.  Final thoughts?  I wasn't completely wrong about how the alt-rock charts are right now, but at the same time though, there are still bits of glimer and hope out there that maybe someday we can a surge of alt-rock in mainstream media again someday.  Yeah I'm not a fan of the commercialism of the genre these days either, but genres have to confirm with the modern times in order to get noticed these days and if this is what it takes to get mainstream recognition, I hope it's for the better.  As long as the quality doesn't dip with it.  This is Clappy signing off saying thanks for reading, as always.

[Steel Sponge]

Some agreements and disagreements:

Spoiler

20. I'm not going to lie, I do not like this song either, but I'm gonna have to make some points. Strongly disagree with Imagine Dragons "never being any good." Not the biggest fan of the band, but as long as songs like "It's Time," "Radioactive," and "Smoke and Mirrors" still exist, I have reasons to like the band quite enough. Also, I don't think "Believer" is miles worse than "Vacation." The chorus is overproduced and contrived af, but I'll give it credit for having some ounces of energy and for the hooks that Reynolds delivers during the pre-choruses.
19. Agree with "Legends" being thinly-veiled pop punk tho.
18. Honestly, I find TSTM at their worst when Jared Leto gets all pitchy and tries so hard to be as emotional. So, I'll go as far to say that I find this one okay compared to "Up in the Air," "From Yesterday" and on some days, "The Kill."
17. ....I actually find this one to be okay as well. I find X Ambassadors to be such an incredibly mediocre band outside of "Jungle," but I find myself coming back to this sometimes. I feel some sort of Phil Collins vibe in that chorus which prevents me from hating the song than I should.
16. I'll take this over "Take It All Back," when it comes to the singer's voice. I feel it sounds more polished than TIAB as well. It's Mumford & Sons-llte, but I can feel a pulse in there.
15. I felt divided on this one at first. I don't like pitch-shifting, but I don't mind it as much here compared to well... YOUNGANDMENACEmenanceyougyounganMENACeMEnCWTOUBfgw. Back on topic, the hook drags me back to this song, (not the pitch-shifting, but the "feel the thunder" bit) so I like this.
14. If I dislike "Believer," then I absolutely dread "Vacation." It's a lazy slog of a song all the way through and it's from a band that I'll go as far to say are capable of more interesting and mindless fun-sounding songs. Everything about "Vacation" to me just feels so thin and passionless.
13. "Ehhh..." is pretty much all I can say about this.
12. The Lumineers are slightly more interesting than Vance Joy, but not much I can say about this either. "Cleopatra" is very decent IMO.
11. I'm a fan of Cage the Elephant, but not feeling their cover hit as much, especially due to Shultz' enunciation in the chorus.
10. "Fire" >>>>>>>> "Golden Dandelions."
9. Cold War Kids can either be the most competent indie rock band or most middle-of-the-road indie rock band to me. This one feels more middle-of-the-road to me, honestly. Would've preferred it more to have "Can We Hang On?" as their follow-up.
8. I suggest listening to the band's "...Like Clockwork" album if you two haven't yet. Amazing stuff. On the other hand, I do enjoy "The Way You Used to Do," but not by much as their singles from "...Like Clockwork."
7. I found myself enjoying "No Roots" upon first listen. Hopefully this and Walk the Moon could get the indie crossover appeal that the Hot 100 could use.
6. Gonna go ahead and agree with Wumbo on this song. I do really like "Run," but I get a lot more patience and energy with their follow-up.
5. I love Beck too, although I'm more of a "Dreams" kind of guy than an "Up All Night" kind of guy.
4. I'll admit, the string of commercials using this song killed the momentum for me, but I still like it as a cool-sounding pop song. Portugal. The Man are also a great band in general.
3. I'm not surprised that this didn't hit big in the Hot 100, but man, it should've been a bigger hit because it's a very good song.
2. Still waiting for people to give Walk the Moon another hit. I really enjoyed this one, but I'll honest, it would've been better without the "they can't flex with us" line.
1. Love The Kilers, always will. I'm absolutely glad to see that they still got it.

 

Overall, very good lists. My thoughts aside, I'd like to know what you and Wumbo think about "Middle Fingers" from MISSIO (charted on Alt months ago) and "Sober Up" from AJR and Rivers Cuomo (which is on the top 20 right now). Oh, and since a caught a small mention of Double Agent, the dude retired from making music reviews months ago if that makes you both feel any better that I point that out.

Edited November 15, 2017 by Steel Skeet