Clappy vs Billboard Hot 100

[Clappy]

Sorry for the delay fam.  Here is that full list you requested:

Spoiler

1. "All of the Lights" - Kanye West (featuring Rihanna)
2. "The Edge of Glory" - Lady Gaga
3. "Last Friday Night (TGIF)" - Katy Perry
4. "Someone Like You" - Adele
5. "Pumped Up Kicks" - Foster the People
6. "Fuck You" - Cee Lo Green
7. "Firework" - Katy Perry
8. "The Show Goes On" - Lupe Fiasco
9. "DJ Got Us Fallin' in Love" - Usher (featuring Pitbull)
10. "6 Foot, 7 Foot" - Lil Wayne (featuring Cory Gunz)
11. "Sure Thing" - Miguel
12. "Teenage Dream" - Katy Perry
13. "Moment 4 Life" - Nicki Minaj (featuring Drake)
14. "Motivation" - Kelly Rowland (featuring Lil Wayne)
15. "Dirt Road Anthem" - Jason Aldean
16. "She Ain't You" - Chris Brown
17. "More" - Usher
18. "Til The World Ends" - Britney Spears
19. "Colder Weather" - Zac Brown Band
20. "Without You" - David Guetta (featuring Usher)
21. "Blow" - Ke$ha
22. "On The Floor" - Jennifer Lopez (featuring Pitbull)
23. "Animal" - Neon Trees
24. "Fuckin' Perfect" - Pink
25. "Good Life" - One Republic
26. "Rolling in the Deep" - Adele
27. "Grenade" - Bruno Mars
28. "Headlines" - Drake
29. "Barefoot Blue Jean Night" - Jake Owen
30. "You & I" - Lady Gaga
31. "Cheers (Drink to That)" - Rihanna
32. "Just a Dream" - Nelly
33. "Stereo Love" - Edward Maya & Vika Jigulina
34. "You Make Me Feel..." - Cobra Starship (featuring Sabi)
35. "Roll Up" - Wiz Khalifa
36. "Knee Deep" - Zac Brown Band (featuring Jimmy Buffett)
37. "I'm on One" - DJ Khaled (featuring Drake, Rick Ross, and Lil Wayne)
38. "Written in the Stars" - Tinie Tempeh (featuring Eric Turner)
39. "Yeah 3x" - Chris Brown
40. "Coming Home" - Diddy-Dirty Money (featuring Skylar Grey)
41. "Moves Like Jagger" - Maroon 5 (featuring Christina Aguilera)
42. "We R Who We R" - Ke$ha
43. "Rocketeer" - Far East Movement (featuring Ryan Tedder)
44. "Dynamite" - Taio Cruz
45. "God Gave Me You" - Blake Shelton
46. "For the First Time" - The Script
47. "Pretty Girl Rock" - Keri Hilson
48. "What's My Name" - Rihanna (featuring Drake)
49. "In the Dark" - Dev
50. "Just Can't Get Enough" - The Black Eyed Peas
51. "Party Rock Anthem" - LMFAO
52. "Just the Way You Are" - Bruno Mars
53. "How to Love" - Lil Wayne
54. "Don't You Wanna Stay" - Jason Aldean (featuring Kelly Clarkson)
55. "Back to December" - Taylor Swift
56. "Black and Yellow" - Wiz Khalifa
57. "Only Girl in the World" - Rihanna
58. "Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not" - Thompson Square
59. "Price Tag" - Jessie J (featuring B.o.B.)
60. "Hold it Against Me" - Britney Spears
61. "Give Me Everything" - Pitbull (featuring Ne-Yo, Afrojack, & Nayer)
62. "My Last" - Big Sean (featuring Chris Brown)
63. "Stereo Hearts" - Gym Class Heroes (featuring Adam Levine)
64. "Crazy Girl" - Eli Young Band
65. "Just a Kiss" - Lady Antebellum
66. "Please Don't Go" - Mike Posner
67. "Super Bass" - Nicki Minaj
68. "S&M" - Rihanna
69. "You & Tequila" - Kenny Chesney (featuring Grace Potter)
70. "She Will" - Lil Wayne (featuring Drake)
71. "E.T." - Katy Perry (featuring Kanye West)
72. "Remind Me" - Brad Paisley (featuring Carrie Underwood)
73. "Hey Baby (Drop it to the Floor)" - Pitbull (featuring T-Pain)
74. "We Found Love" - Rihanna (featuring Calvin Harris)
75. "Who Says" - Selena Gomez & the Scene
76. "Look at Me Now" - Chris Brown (featuring Busta Rhymes & Lil Wayne)
77. "The Lazy Song" - Bruno Mars
78. "Tonight (I'm Fucking You)" - Enrique Iglesias (featuring Ludacris)
79. "Bottoms Up" - Trey Songz (featuring Nicki Minaj)
80. "Best Thing I Never Had" - Beyonce
81. "Honey Bee" - Blake Shelton
82. "Backseat" - New Boyz (featuring Dev & The Cataracs)
83. "No Hands" - Waka Flocka Flame (featuring Roscoe & Wale)
84. "I Need a Doctor" - Dr. Dre (featuring Eminem & Skylar Grey)
85. "I Wanna Go" - Britney Spears
86. "Take a Back Road"
87. "Like a G6" - Far East Movement (featuring Dev & The Cataracs)
88. "Where Them Girls At" - David Guetta (featuring Flo Rida & Nicki Minaj)
89. "The Time (Dirty Bit)" - The Black Eyed Peas
90. "Raise Your Glass" - Pink
91. "Down on Me" - Jeremih (featuring 50 Cent)
92. "Country Girl (Shake it For Me)" - Luke Bryan
93. "What the Hell" - Avril Lavigne
94. "Don't Want to Go Home" - Jason DeRulo
95. "Tonight, Tonight" - Hot Chelle Rae
96. "Born This Way" - Lady Gaga
97. "Sexy and I Know It" - LMFAO
98. "Lighters" - Bad Meets Evil (featuring Bruno Mars)
99. "Jar of Hearts" - Christina Perri
100. "If I Die Young" - The Band Perry

 

On 9/9/2016 at 7:41 AM, Katniss said:

Might as well ask for your thoughts on a few songs as well  I know you're posting the full list later but I like to hear your opinions lel

-Moment 4 Life

-Back to Decemeber 

-Blow

-On the Floor

-S&M

-Only Girl (in the World)

-Raise Your Glass

If you say so

Moment 4 Life - Even back when I use to despise Nicki Minaj, I use to love this song because it felt like a genuine song about Nicki and Drake feeling greatful for everything they have in their life.  Now that I've grown to appreciate her a lot more, this song is still definitively her best radio single she has ever done.

Back to December - I surprisingly am not as big on this song as I thought I should be the more I think about it.  It's just such a mellowdramatic bore.  I think the song is too restraint for it's own good, but even then, it's still Taylor Swift.  This song could have been a bigger mess if it was in the hands of a far less talented singer-songwriter (looking at you Christina Perri).

Blow - Yeah this is the type of Kesha I can get behind.  The one that doesn't let her party girl personality completely overtake a song.  She shows a tad more restraint here and it works so much better by doing that.  Also that hook is just absolute fire.  It gets in your head and just won't get out.  I love it.

On the Floor - Definitely one of J Lo's best songs.  I'll be honest with you and say that I'm not sure how well that proclamation will hold for me if I do more year end countdowns, but I'll be honest and just state that most of her songs are completely forgettable.  This one isn't which is a huge plus for me.  It's insanely catchy and just straight up fun.

S&M - I get that the song is intentionally in your face provocative and dirty, but I just can't get behind it at all.  Yes Rihanna could pull off a song like this because I do find her to be very attractive and sexy...but she just sounds so forced and uninspiring to me on this.  If you want me to be interested in a song like this, actually convince me and don't fake it.

Raise Your Glass - Recycled commentary about selling out.  This was the first in a long line of future Pink singles where you could have completely taken her out of the picture and insert another artist and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.  Which absolutely sucks because Pink's talent is ridiculously wasted on such an absolutely shitty song.  This is suppose to be dedicated to your fans?  What sort of trite compliment is that when you sound like a mother in her mid 30s who calls her fans nitty gritty dirty little freaks who should call her up if you want a gangsta?  This song is such an utter embarrassment for such a talented singer.  My number eleven on my worst list.

On 9/9/2016 at 4:39 PM, President Squidward said:

Oh yeah, wanted to ask, have you ever done a year-end list for 2003? Would love to see your thoughts on that year in music.

I don't see why not, although I'm tempted to get out of the 2000s when I do my next year end retrospective.  I've already done too many from the past sixteen years, but it's not a no though.

On 9/9/2016 at 6:43 PM, Bada Bing Nuggets said:

alright listen here meatloaf boy

first off I saw that comment about certainly least so if you wanna catch these hands we can totally do it BOB

secondly okay it's not really a great song but it sounds nice and I'm not really expecting anything meaningful from a glitch pop artist named lowkii savage in 2016 but it's the verses that seem uninspired not the hook, you feel dog, the hook is the only part of the song that feels fresh and when the hi hats come in

Now since we are in 2011 how did you feel about certain songs off Watch the Throne like Racial Expletives In Paris and Otis and No Church In The Wild

Oh man where do I start here.

-Meatloaf boy?

-Let's throw done Jacob Porter.

-Sounds nice?  This is the sort of shit Lorde called out three years ago as cliched and boring.  Thank you for admitting the verses are uninspired because they absolutely are, but the hook doesn't do anything for me either.  It sounds like a YouTube poop since they are fragments from the rest of the song.  I could do that on my own computer, add a trap snare, and make it a hit...as a matter of fact I will since I have more personality than all these artists on the Top 20 combined .

-Will do fam since Watch The Throne is such a great album:

Racial Expletives in Paris made my best of 2012 list.  I love it and am glad it became a hit on mainstream radio.

Love the Otis Redding sampling on Otis.  At first listening, I thought there would be no way Kanye and Jay would top that on Watch the Throne.  Now?  It's on the good tier out of all the tracks on there, which goes to show how great most of the songs on that album are.  What prevents it from being great is the screeching at the very end.

No Church in the Wild is still the best song on that entire album.  Jay and Kanye are on their A games, Frank Ocen and The-Dream's uncredited vocals are fantastic, and it just feels like a cinematic masterpiece of a song.  I said above about how All of the Lights is one of the best production works Kanye has done in his career.  This is definitely up there too.  This is how I love my dark hip hop music.

[Clappy]

Coming soon to a music review thread near you:

Clappy Ranks the Billboard Top 20

I've had this idea in mind for about a year now since two of the three music reviews from 2016 were me giving mini reviews to the Billboard Top Ten.  This time, I'm going to take it one step further.  I'm going to rank the Top Twenty from worst to best with my thoughts included.  Don't know what week it will be yet, but trust me, it will happen.  I want this thread to be revived in a big way.  It's sat untouched for far too long now.

Note:  I'm not doing this often, so let me get that out of the way first and foremost.  That will get tiring way too fast commenting on the same songs every week. 

[Young Nug]

looking forward to seeing your thoughts on Bad and Boujee and Bounce Back

[Clappy]

On 2/21/2017 at 10:41 AM, Bada Bing Nuggets said:

looking forward to seeing your thoughts on Bad and Boujee and Bounce Back

Well look no more.

Slowly and methodically, I’ve been planning my return to reviewing pop music.  I just needed some sort of swift and quick inspiration that would jolt those plans into action.  But what should I do?  Then it hit me…those quick takes I was doing.  What if instead counting down the entire top ten from one to ten, what if I ranked them instead?  And screw the top ten, let’s make it the top twenty?  Sure, why not.

So 2017, how's the music so far?  It's...interesting.  I wouldn't say it's all been good mind you, but I wouldn't say it was god awful like 2016 was.  Sure we still have plenty of songs on the radio right now that remind me of how bad last year was, but I think we've been getting hit music that at least is trying to be the sort of escapism I've been looking for when I listen to the radio.  I mean hell, I'll take what escapism I can get right now with what the media won't stop talking about:

The less I see of this man, the better.  With that being said, let's give this new chapter of Clappy vs Billboard Hot 100 begin as we talk about:

Clappy Ranks the Winter 2017 Billboard Top 20

I actually had to edit this chart since a new one debuted this week before I could get to posting it.  No big deal though.  I only had to write about three new songs which wasn't that hard and I'm glad I did because...well, you'll have to keep reading and find out.

Spoiler

Before I start this countdown, let’s rewind in time to my mother’s birth year of 1964.  What was the biggest act in music that year?  The Beatles, obviously.  I don’t know if Wumbo has covered 1964 yet, but boy will he be in for treat with all of The Beatles music potentially on that year end chart.  At one point that year, The Beatles had the top five songs of a Billboard Hot 100 charting week.  Believe it or not, that was only the beginning as The Beatles released nine LPs and EPs that year as the saturation market went berserk with Beatles-mania.  Despite The Beatles legacy being revered today, even Billboard at one point stated that year “Just about everyone is tired of The Beatles”.  Hence why studios don’t want to risk overexposing their artists with influxes of singles and albums per year.  I point this out because Drake is definitely past that point of overexposure.

20. “Fake Love” - Drake

(no music video because Drake is saving one for his next shitty mini-movie)

This single isn’t the worst song charting because of the overexposure.  It’s because it’s the absolute worst song I’ve heard from Drake, period.  Yes, worse than Started from the Bottom.  Yes, worse than Pop Style.  It’s another song about Drake not caring about his haters.  Drake, we don’t hate you because you’re rich and famous.  We hate you because you won’t stop making the same damn song over and over again.  Say what you want about the song this is eerily similar to on many production levels Hotline Bling, but this is no Hotline Bling.  Hotline Bling is ingenious by having Drake singing intentionally off-key about a past hookup.  It feels like Drake is intentionally doing it here to piss people off.  That’s not clever, it’s obnoxious.  I hate this.  It’s painfully underwritten, it’s boring, it’s not interesting, it’s an ugly sloppy rough draft of a song by an artist who I’ve been down on for the past year and wish would just go away.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/hughmcintyre/2016/12/14/could-drake-have-3-albums-coming-in-2017/#29dcff9e9685

…not surprised.  I feel like Drake announcing that he has three new projects in the works for 2017 has become more of a threat than a promise.

 

Spoiler

19. “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever” – Zayn (featuring Taylor Swift)

 

Yes the long awaited team up of ZAYN…oh he finally decided to ditch the stupid all caps great… Zayn and Taylor Swift that everyone has been asking for…you all have been asking for this, right?  Because I sure as hell didn’t.  Seriously, for all the hype and hoopla that was given towards this as Taylor’s big comeback single after all the celebrity bitchy primadonna drama Taylor went through in 2016…this was the best we got?  Because this song is, and I hate repeating my status update this shamelessly, remarkably uninteresting.  This song just pisses me off, and it’s not because of the Fifty Shades Darker correlation because I couldn’t give two shits about that.  Not every song associated with that loathsome movie franchise is even that bad.  But this?  Well this does correlate to the movie in one way: it’s not even remotely sexy.

When you decipher Zayn’s lyrics, seriously whoever told Zayn to sing in his falsetto for like 90% of the song needs to be taken into a back alley, all he does is sit there waiting for Taylor Swift.  How in the hell is that supposed to be sexy?  “Oh babe, I’ll just sit here and monologue about how crazy I am.” ….hot?  But let’s talk about Taylor Swift because who seriously gives a shit about Zayn in this song.  If Taylor is trying to give off a darker and sexier edge towards her music, this is seriously not a good step for her.  You want to know what’s sexy?  Taylor Swift taking off her coat in “Style”.  You want to know what’s not sexy?  Listening to Taylor Swift talking about how sad she is in all the nicest places.  There is no way in hell Taylor Swift wrote her lines.  I don’t believe it for a single second because you can call Taylor Swift whatever you want, but a terrible lyricist isn’t one of them…well except for Bad Blood and now this.  At least Bad Blood sounds like Taylor Swift having catty drama.  Taylor doesn’t sound like she even remotely cares in a song about a love/hate relationship.

The more I hear this song, the more I loathe it with every passing hearing.  This better not be a sign of what’s to come from the Taylor Swift camp.  This is more or less what I expect from Zayn’s music now.  I wonder what other talented artists he’ll bring down with him in the future?

 

Spoiler

18. “Mercy” – Shawn Mendes

Honestly, and this is the truth, you can pretty much place all three of these songs as a three way tie for last place on these rankings.  I hate all three of these equally as much.  This is, at least, not Treat You Better levels of bad.  I’m very thankful for that at least.  But good lord, will someone please stop having this kid belt out ballads.  Him belting out at the top of his lungs about how much his heartbreak hurts makes me want to rip my ears out.  Listen kid, I’m sorry you hurt, but please stop acting like you are the first one to experience heartbreak.  Holy shit, this song is beyond clichéd.  I hate nearly every second of it.  You know what would legitimately surprise me?  If Shawn Mendes has a hit single that isn’t about young love and heartbreak.  I will say this though.  The reason I placed this above the other two is the hilarious music video of Shawn Mendes drowning.  I’m not a bad person I promise, but with all of the bad music this shit has made, you can’t help but smile at watching it.

 

Spoiler

17. “Bad Things” – Machine Gun Kelly (featuring Camilla Cabello)

 

So Camilla Cabello left a girl group that was making bad music to journey off and make bad music by herself.  Congratulations.  And look, she’s bringing down other artists with her.  I swear to god Machine Gun Kelly use to be interesting.  My friend is a huge fan of his and had me listen to some of his prior songs and he’s actually better than I expected, but his first pop single is just awful.  I read an interview of his awhile back that MGK wants to be the next Eminem by trying to make more pop radio friendly rap music, which you know, all the power to you because that obviously means more success.  But Eminem became as successful as he was by being the most dangerous rapper behind the mic, not by trying to join the curve and be as boring as any other rapper out there.  If ruining a 90s ballad is what it takes to get your first smash hit, all the power to you.  Good luck trying to sustain it though because there are only so many samples that can be tragically misused over and over again.

At least it tells a more interesting story than that other duet above...ick.

 

Spoiler

16. “Scars to Your Beautiful” – Alessia Cara

 

Honestly it feels like forever ago when I was impressed by Alessia Cara’s debut single “Here”.  Because ever since then, my opinions on her have plummeted.  It hasn’t affected my opinions on Here, I still love that sample and absolutely relate to the song in general.  But that debut album title of hers says it all:

Know It All…psh, what a fucking smug arrogant title.  Seriously, that title screams overconfident pretentiousness.  Not helping matters are the singles that have followed just flat out suck.  I still think Alessia Cara has a ton of potential, but I just don’t feel any genuine connection to anything she has followed up with.  But you know what’s worse than a young artist still trying to find her identity in her music?  A young artist who is trying (and failing) to be inspirational.  There is absolutely NOTHING real about this song.  It’s as fake as a presidential campaign promise.  I may have shit on Meghan Trainor A LOT in the past two years, but she at least sounds like she means every single word she says.  I don’t believe a single word that comes out of Alessia Cara’s mouth about her caring about your beauty.  At least show some enthusiasm Alessia because your voice sounds like you are contractually obligated to perform an empowerment anthem for your record label.  What a dreary monotonous bore.  I guess we need our empowerment anthems to sound like everything else on the radio.  Dreary and depressing...that sure makes me feel better about myself.

 

Spoiler

You know, I surprisingly don’t hate this next song as much as I assumed I would.

15. “Don’t Wanna Know” – Maroon 5 (featuring Kendrick Lamar)

 

Oh don’t get me wrong.  This is still soulless garbage as Maroon 5 further proves they don’t give a shit about their artistic integrity anymore.  All they want are hits to prove how successful of a band they are.  And what better way to get a hit than by jumping on a trend that everyone is doing now.  I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not nearly as tired of the trop house trend.  Primarily because it reminds me of sitting by the water and relaxing.  That being said, it has its limitations for what a song should or should not be about.  A song about getting wasted over a girl breaking your heart is definitely something that would work in that sort of production as Jimmy Buffett has proved time and time again.  But Adam Levine sounds so disconnected towards the rest of this song that he is missing the point, per usual.  Oh and don’t forget that getting hit these days requires getting a guest rapper on your song.  This is the worst Kendrick Lamar has ever sounded by the way.  Dare I say it, but this is the first time I could ever say that Kendrick is an afterthought.  Don’t worry Kendrick, you are certainly not the biggest hypocrite of 2016 and 2017.

 

Spoiler

14. “Shape of You” – Ed Sheeran

 

I’m starting to get the impression that Ed is starting to get his head further and further up his own ass the bigger his clout starts to get.  It’s not just from all the interviews I’ve seen with the guy as of late, but with the heavy amount of collaborators he is writing with.  Not only does he have a stake in saying that he’s written some of the biggest hits of the past three years, but he has been racking up more and more individual hits.  Now he finally has his first number one as a performer and is bound to have the biggest album of the year and his head is only going to inflate larger and larger.  It’s only a matter of time until Ed makes his own version of “I Write The Songs”.

As for the song itself.  Originally, this was written for Rihanna and you can tell because just like last year’s number one hit Rihanna turned down in “Cheap Thrills”, this is such a Rihanna song from the pop song chords all the way to the tropical house production that nearly everyone is jumping on these days.  Not sure if it’s his worst song to date yet, but the more this keeps getting played, the more I can’t stand it.  Sure Ed Sheeran can make a claim to being the new go to guy for pop jams, but he will never EVER be Justin Timberlake.  This song reeks of Ed trying his hardest to be cool and slick picking up girls from the club and having sex with them, but let’s be real.  This is still an Ed Sheeran song.  Ed Sheeran songs, even the ones I like/love, all suffer from being overwritten and some of these lines…good lord, where do I start?

 

Put that body on me

…yes because I can totally picture Ed Fucking Sheeran saying put that body on me to a chick at the club.  This guy:

Wants you to put your body on him.  No way…not without saying please first.

 

I’m in love with the shape of you.

No matter how many times I hear this line, I can’t picture anyone using this as an actual pick up line.  Hey girl…are you a triangle?  Because I want to equilateral your world.  No, that’s not it.  Maybe it’s about her si….no…NO NO NO NO.  Dear god Ed.  Don’t point out you love how big or small she is.  That’s an automatic slap to the face pick up line if I’ve ever heard one.  Good fucking lord, at least mine is a lame math pun that would get a pity laugh.  How could these lines get any worse?

Last night you were in my room, and now my bed sheets smell like you.

…someone please throw some lemon pledge in my eyes because they need heavy duty cleaning after reading a line that repulsive.  WHY WAS THIS THE ONE THAT BECAME A SMASH HIT?  Ed Sheeran’s other new song “Castle on the Hill” is actually really good.  U2-lite yes, but I’ll be damned if we could have some form of actual rock music on the charts right now compared to this uninspired crap.

 

Spoiler

Have you ever felt like you are missing the point with a song and how it got wildly popular?  I don’t know what else to say, but I’m getting too old for this shit.

13. “Bad and Boujee” – Migos (featuring Lil Uzi Vert)

 

Before you continue to read any further into this, I’ll stop you right there.  I don’t hate Migos.  I like them.  A lot more than you all would expect.  They have mastered the triplet flow that I’ve seen so many other rappers try, and most of the time, fail to do.  I could go on about what I like about Migos and songs of theirs that I have unpopular and straight up pleasured opinions on, but let’s talk about the most…”huh?” song on this list.  No seriously am I missing the point?  The meme behind this isn’t even as clever or great as Black Beatles.  The lyrics are as interchangeable as they come with modern rap music and outside of Quavo for a few bars, nothing said is remotely interesting.  Well except for our guest rapper who is already the frontrunner for worst guest spot in a hit song of 2017.

Lil Uzi Vert’s guest spot is fascinating levels of terrible.  This is almost so bad it’s good to be honest, but then you realize that Lil Uzi Vert is aware that he has no idea what the hell he’s doing.  From the fact that he wastes a line on just saying “Yeah” repeatedly, to the fourth wall breaking of trying to figure out what kind of Ferrari he is driving, to pointing out that his crew is winning because they aren’t losing.  Look I admit Lil Uzi Vert has personality but everything I’ve heard him on he comes off as such a joke.  I don’t know if Lil Uzi Vert is aware of how big of a joke he comes off as in his music, but he’s not those levels of self-aware.  At least not yet.

Even as a trap rap song, this production is not good.  This is the most lifeless production Metro Boomin has done yet.  It has no substance and not even good base to blast this to.  Seriously I’ll ask again, am I missing the point?  Because I would like to know what everyone, especially Donald Glover, sees in this because Migos has done far better than this interchangeable crap.

 

Spoiler

12. “Love on the Brain” – Rihanna

(no video because...I'm surprised there isn't)

I’m not going to lie guys, I have a hard time sitting through this song whenever I hear it.  Not because it’s as terrible as some of the other songs that I’ve covered here today; it’s just dull.  I normally like it when pop artists do stripped back performances as a reminder that they can sing.  That being said, we already know Rihanna has a great voice and she has done this far better as early as two years ago with FourFiveSeconds.  The main difference between those two songs is that the latter is a good song.  This…this at least has the potential to be a good song, but it simply does not work with her style.  Even with the inserted Rihanna-isms like her nonsense syllables and her aaahhh aaahhh aaahhh’s.  I don’t know guys.  I feel like a song about a messy relationship, it needs a messy performance to kind of balance it all out and to me, Rihanna’s performance is way too tame.

So you can put me together and throw me against the wall.

See?  She sounds so tired instead of being in pain because she was thrown against….wait a minute.  Thrown against the wall…

It beats me black and blue but it fucks me so good and I can't get enough.

…beaten black and blue?  Christ.  This is ANOTHER song about Chris Brown.  Fuck.  How many times do both camps need to remind me about the incident?  SEE WHAT I MEAN!?  You have one of the biggest black and blue marks of the last ten years in pop music history and what we get is yet another slow dragging ballad in a pop music climate that contains way too many of them.  Next.

 

Spoiler

11. “Paris” – The Chainsmokers

 

Ladies and gentlemen.  The Nickelback of EDM...apparently?  I honestly don’t mind The Chainsmokers as artists as I’ve made clear in the past year.  But for as much as I admittedly like Closer, I seriously wish it wasn’t as big…and still as big as it is right now.  Because it’s the sort of song that artists will be tempted to recreate multiple times in order to duplicate the same success.  Case in point. 

At first glance, Paris sounds different than Closer.  It honestly sounds more like M-83’s “Midnight City” production wise as I know others have pointed out long before me.  But let’s just cut through all that because this is nearly identical to Closer in terms of structure.  Andrew Taggart singing solo?  Check.  The chilled out keyboards?  Check.  Lyrics about living young, wild, and free?  Check.  More references to millennial romance?  Check.  Blipping synth drop?  Check.  Subtle synths at the end?  Check.  A looping guitar rift?  Actually that’s more like Don’t Let Me Down…but that’s beside the point.  This is a song that doesn’t feel like it wants to differentiate itself and carve out its own identity.  It’s the demo to a song that wants to take actual risks but is too scared to try.

All that being said, I don’t really hate this either.  I guess you could say that this is the point on the countdown that I’m not really fond of the song, but I can’t really say that I don’t want to listen to it when it comes on.  I have been finding myself listening to this and singing along to it when it’s on the radio at work or in the car.  It’s alright, but I wish it was so much more than it actually is.  Hell it throws out a reference to Casablanca.  Plus I generally like songs about the City of Lights…that’s what this is about right?

Paris / n / 1. A sentimental yearning for a reality that isn’t genuine 2. An irrecoverable condition for fantasy that evokes nostalgia or day dreams

BULLSHIT.  NO IT DOESN’T.  YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT’S NOT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF.  QUIT MAKING UP WORDS YOU DOUCHES.

 

Spoiler

10. “Black Beatles” – Rae Sremmurd (featuring Gucci Mane)

 

Ah yes, the other meme number one hit song.  At least The Mannequin Challenge was actually clever and entertained me.  This one’s alright.  I liked it a lot more about a month ago, but my interest has died down.  I at least admire it for inspiring to be The Beatles because you have arguably the greatest musical act of all time you are comparing yourselves too.  Which I don’t blame you.  Rae Sremmurd are so far from the greatest musical act of all time that it’s funny, but at least this song feels like they are living like motherfucking rock stars.  Btw, Mike Will Made It’s production here is the best thing he’ll ever do.  As for Gucci?  I’ll be honest.  I was never a fan of Gucci Mane.  He didn’t impress me eight years ago when he was what everyone I was in college with was listening to.  He still doesn’t impress me now either.  His verse is completely interchangeable here too.  I don’t hate Rae Sremmurd, but this is one of the better songs they’ve done.  Not This Could Be Us good, but I’ve heard far worse from them.

 

Spoiler

9. “Closer” – The Chainsmokers

 

I am still having a hard time accepting that this cemented The Chainsmokers as one of the biggest acts in popular music.  I won’t go as in depth particularly because I’m admittedly tired of hearing this, but this is still a good song.  Didn’t deserve to be number one for as long as it did, but I like it.  I like what it tries to do despite being as clunky as all hell in structure.  I love that in an era where people focus more on production, we ironically get a simple love song about a complicated relationship from an EDM duo.  Yeah I was happy to see this finally fall off the top.  I’ll be happy to see this leave the top ten hopefully soon and the top twenty not too long after.  But in terms of liking this song, no I-i-i-i-i-i-I I can’t stop.

 

Spoiler

8. “I Feel It Coming” – The Weeknd (featuring Daft Punk)

(no video because Abel can make videos to songs that aren't charting but not ones that are)

I feel like I should like this more than I do.  I mean it’s The Weeknd doing a love song.  I like it when he does those.  It’s Daft Punk doing a slowed down version of Get Lucky.  I love Get Lucky.  The last time The Weeknd collaborated with our robot overlords, we got one of my favorite hit songs of 2016.  Then why don’t I like this more?  Because the last time these two collaborated, we got the best production of 2016.  I wish we got something more memorable than what we got is my complaint.  You have Daft Punk making your R&B baby making music and the best you can get them to do is a retread?  Granted, I like it.  It’s still catchy and The Weeknd is definitely selling it for what it’s worth.  Who knows maybe I’ll feel it coming later more on in the year, but for now, I’m feeling a warm spot.

 

Spoiler

7. “Million Reasons” – Lady Gaga

 

Just like the previous song, I wish I liked this more than I do.  I like the fact that we are finally seeing the real Lady Gaga outside of all the weirdness and costumes.  She is a true music nerd performing damn good pop music.  I REALLY like the hidden undertones about this being about her love/hate relationship with the whole show business industry.  This feels like Gaga’s most personal hit to date….

…yet, I find myself unable to seek this out all that often if you want me to be brutally honest with all of you.  I don’t know guys.  I’ve just been feeling ballad-ed out as of late.  We are getting way too many of them and while I love Gaga’s passion for this song, I just wish it resonated with me more.  Just like that Rihanna ballad, I always knew Lady Gaga could sing.  This performance also needs to be more memorable, but I will admit that unlike Rihanna, Gaga crafted this better to fit her style.  Do I like it?  Yeah.  I wish I loved it though.  But hey, if a Super Bowl performance is what it takes to finally get this song some traction, then I’m all for it.  We need more personalities like Lady Gaga notching hits.

 

Spoiler

6. “iSpy” – KYLE (featuring Lil Yachty)

 

Well I’ll give Lil Yachty credit.  He sure knows how to pick out good collaborators.  KYLE’s bars are actually pretty good.  This is my first time hearing of him and I’ll admit.  I’m kind of impressed.  Lil Yachty on the other hand…look his part here isn’t nearly as terrible as it was on Broccoli, but there are still yikes-tier (thanks Nugs) lyrics that make me wonder what the hell people see in this guy.  I don’t want to hear him rap about his nutsack and sending models home with throbbing necks…fuck Yachty.

What this reminds me a lot of is Broccoli.  Not just because of Lil Yachty but the bubbly production, the light hearted vibes that I get, and the trap snares.  Granted, don’t get me started on the subject matter, which is very skeazy.  KYLE and Yachty pick up girls based off of how little Instagram likes they get, automatically assuming they will be easier to get them to sleep with them.  Yeah it’s gross, but hey, I’ve heard far douchier methods from rap music.  At least they sound like they are having fun.  In general, I’m getting beyond sick of how self-serious and depressing music has been as of late.  That’s even directed towards the stuff I like.  If I find a pop music song that at least sounds like it’s having a good time, then it automatically gets a plus for me at this rate.

 

Spoiler

I don’t know if you guys can relate to what I’m about to state, but here it goes.  As much as I like listening to radio singles, I’m far more intrigued as to how singles correlate to an entire album.  How they work in context I guess is a better way to put it.  Sometimes they work, other times you hear a song off an album and you can obviously tell that this was made to be specifically a radio single.  Case in point:

5. “That’s What I Like” – Bruno Mars

I don’t know how many of you actually took it upon yourselves to listen to the entire 24K Magic album, but I was kind of disappointed.  I still liked it, but I couldn’t help but feel that it was Now That’s What I Call Bruno Mars Does 80s R&B.  It’s short, it’s still good, but I wanted more.  When I heard this track, I thought it was obviously going to be pushed straight to radio.  I didn’t have any real thoughts on it except it was okay.  But then I watched his Grammys performance and it opened me up more to the song as a straight to radio single.  Bruno Mars sells the hell out of it as performer.  I’ve stated before that I love it when artists cut the bullshit and display full confidence.  That’s What I Like is a song reeking of confidence and Bruno is completely committed to it.  I may have it ranked lower than you would expect but this is definitely the song that can grow on me even more than it has right now.

 

Spoiler

4. “Starboy” – The Weeknd (featuring Daft Punk)

 

Still The Weeknd’s best song and I’m glad this FINALLY made it to number one in 2017.  This is my favorite production of 2016 and still my favorite hit song The Weeknd has ever done.  I’ve already went further in depth about this song on my best hit songs of 2016 list, so I honestly don’t know what else I could possibly say about that I haven’t already said.  I do think The Weeknd should be careful though.  He has released three albums in the past three years and has been making guest appearances on other people’s songs at an alarming rate.  We already have one Canadian hip-hop/R&B singer who is dangerously overexposed.  We don’t need two now….but look what we’ve done.  We’ve made him a motherfucking starboy.

 

Spoiler

3. “Bounce Back” – Big Sean

It was a little over a year ago that I said, “For as much as I love Big Sean, I’m still waiting for him to take that next big step to be from pretty good to great.”  This…this is great.  There are so many good lines in this that I can’t give them all proper justice.  It’s good line right after good line that makes my mouth drop that there was once a time I laughed at how Big Sean sounded like a rapping GPS.  But now, Big Sean’s flow is so much faster that it’s unbelievable that this was the same guy.  But do you all want to know what I love most about this?  Big Sean admitting that he can take a loss, but still bounce back.  You guys have no idea how refreshing that is modern rap music.  Year after year, it feels like we get track after track about how invincible rappers are.  That they are untouchable.  Seriously, it’s become such a huge cliché that it’s become incredibly boring.  You have to make me believe that you are god’s gift to rap music or else you’ll lose my interest incredibly quick.  Hearing Big Sean’s chorus is such a rejuvenation to my ears that he deserves to talk about how much money he makes and how many girls he gets right afterwards because he can take a loss every now and then and still bounce back to being awesome.  Love this.

 

Spoiler

2. “24K Magic” – Bruno Mars

 

I don’t know if Bruno Mars will ever evolve further as an artist, but at this point, I don’t care.  Yeah it’s not challenging, yeah it doesn’t advance pop music in any way, but it’s unrepentant at what it’s purpose is.  Bruno’s doing such a damn good job reminding us how much better music was that I’m surprised there aren’t more artists aspiring to do the same.  And in a pop music culture landscape where there is a shortage of happy music, I’ll 100% take what I can get.  Ladies and gentleman, let’s keep the party going.  Let us commence to the Mars estate and ask to be his entourage and repeat every word he says for emphasis.  Thank you Bruno for still making awesome music in 2017.  We are #blessed.

 

Spoiler

So what could possibly be my number one in my first go around of ranking the current top twenty?  As I explained in the beginning, 2017 has been an interesting year for pop music so far as I’m genuinely intrigued as to where things go from here.  But for 2017 as a whole here in the Americas, I am getting absolutely sick of one particular person:

Listen I could talk on and on about how done I am with our Cheeto colored overlord but this is a post about pop music.  That being said, I have always had a feeling deep down that ever since this election, we would be getting more insightful music about our current cultural landscape.  The connection between music and political expression has been seen before and it will continue whether the general audience can read between the lines or not on a political level.  Sometimes it works (see: pretty much rap music during the mid 2000s about Hurricane Katrina), sometimes it doesn’t (sorry fam, still don’t like Born This Way as a song).  But in 2017, we’ve gotten one hell of a political statement from a woman who I should have seen it coming from, but I am still baffled by:

Those days are long gone...

1. “Chained to the Rhythm” – Katy Perry (featuring Skip Marley)

 

Yes at first glance it seems like another fun disco sounding Katy Perry song out of her wheelhouse that has many of these sorts of songs, but unlike the others, this song is genius.  A song about partying while being broke, with hidden layers about lacking political awareness and activism.  Pure genius.  This is a great example as to how to reinvent yourself for a woman who honestly needed a career reinvention.  I was getting so sick of Katy Perry during the Prism era and I wanted her to go away so badly.  Then she did…to go support Hillary Clinton.  Yes, like many of our celebrities, she was 110% backing Hillary Clinton and of course, we all know the history lesson by now as to where we are today.  Long gone are the firework metaphors, the nostalgic teenage romances, talking about making love to aliens.  Now we have a Katy Perry with a newfound purpose to challenge our conventional wisdoms chastising us for being happily numb and tone deaf.  She wants to puncture our bubbles that we create to drown out world issues and make a difference.

Also can I add that having Bob Marley’s grandson guest spotting to tell us all to break down the walls and how the higher ups are liars is awesome?  You can tell that political activism clearly runs in the family…or that someone else wrote his part and recruited him as a move of nepotism.  Who cares, I love it.  I love every single minute of this song and it’s the one that I feel serves the most purpose being a hit.  Sure it just debuted, but I hope and pray that it sticks around because not only is this the front runner to be my best hit song of 2017 at this point, this song can hopefully make a huge difference.  Thank you Katy Perry.  I love you.

SN: The actual music video for this is not on YouTube anymore for some reason, but DEFINITELY check that out if you can.  It's imagery is absolutely not subtle.

 

[Young Nug]

4 hours ago, Clappy said:

[Starboy is] Still The Weeknd’s best song

I was gonna quote this and say nope but the concept of the song alone puts it up there in his top 10 songs

good list, glad you liked Bounce Back and sad you don't understand Bad and Boujee (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, my posts be bad to the bone)

[Clappy]

47 minutes ago, Bada Bing Nuggets said:

I was gonna quote this and say nope but the concept of the song alone puts it up there in his top 10 songs

(You cut my post off like an edit) Starboy is definitely one of his ten overall best songs.  False Alarm, Tell Your Friends, and Wicked Games off the top of my head are better overall.  Probably a few others but my mind is drawing a blank right now.

[The Simpsons]

For the record, Claps, Wumbo did do 1964 back in January of last year.

[101 Dalmatian Street]

I can very much agree with most of these reviews, but I'll admit enjoying "Love on the Brain," and "Bad and Boujee," and that I feel "Chained to the Rhythm" is not that good of a track.

Also, copy/paste what you've said about the sound and structure in "Paris," but replace M83 with The 1975, and you got my thoughts.

Edited February 23, 2017 by Steel Sponge

[Wumbo]

"Don't Wanna Know" is easily the worst thing in the Top 20 right now. It's like, one third of a song at best.

[Clappy]

Appreciate the feedback everyone.  It means a lot.  Btw for those who were curious what the rankings would have looked like if this came out on time like I was intending to last week:

Spoiler

1. 24K Magic

2. Caroline

3. Bounce Back

4. Starboy

5. Million Reasons

6. I Feel It Coming

7. Closer

8. Side to Side (it's soured on me since the honorable mentions last year, although it's still fine to me)

9. Black Beatles

10. Paris

11. Love on the Brain

12. Bad and Boujee

13. Shape of You

14. Don't Wanna Know

15. Scars to Your Beautiful

16. Bad Things

17. Let Me Love You (yes I don't like it THIS much)

18. Mercy

19. I Don't Wanna Live Forever

20. Fake Love

 

[Clappy]

After a positive first go around, I'm more than willing to try this out again.  We are now a quarter of the way through the Billboard year.  Nearly three months ago, I was intrigued at the direction the Billboard year was going to head towards.  Three months later, I wish I could go back three months ago.  2017 has been a lackluster year in terms of the hit music I’ve listened to.  Not 2016 or even 2014 levels of bad.  Just…boring.  When I first started this thread, you can see pages on top of pages of me wanting more diversity in the top ten, but shit I’d rather have those days back in a heartbeat because at least pop music used to feel huge in terms of star power back in those days.  Now?  Pop music just doesn’t matter.  We’ve gone from charts being dominated by hits from Lady Gaga and Katy Perry to both names barely having songs in the top twenty.

That being said, with pop music pretty much being irrelevant, rap music has definitely become far more relevant.  With streaming now heavily influencing how Billboard charts hit music, rap music is thriving thanks to having such a strong presence on all streaming platforms.  How else can you explain the first third of the Billboard year being dominated by Rae Sremmurd and Migos as well as Drake and Future’s continued shelving out of nonstop albums?  Fun pop music?  Out.  Trap rap and moody R&B music?  In.

I honestly wish I could continue talking about the changing of the guard in terms of genre domination of the Hot 100 because it’s far more interesting than what’s going on in the top twenty right now.  I use to be excited to talk about music and I still am with you guys.  I just wish things were more interesting because I’ve gone from checking the charts to weekly to now just looking what’s charting once a month.  But I’ve avoided this season’s chart long enough.  Everything I do on this site, I do it for you…and the reputation points.

 

CLAPPY RANKS THE SPRING 2017 BILLBOARD TOP 20

Spoiler

Let’s start off by discussing something I alluded to last time about music getting more political.  Because for everything that felt right about Katy Perry’s attempt at making her pop music more purposeful, you have others that make a complete 180.

20. “Tunnel Vision” – Kodak Black

Honestly I can’t think of a more infuriating example I’ve seen of this than this.  This song uses its controversial music video involving the KKK and absolutely unsubtle Donald Trump imagery to disguise the fact that this song doesn’t correlate to the video at all.  I’m just going to avoid discussing the video altogether and just ask this simple question.

Who actually buys this shit?

This song just makes the skin under my skin crawl every time I hear it.  From that repulsive beat to Kodak Black’s terrible singing to Kodak Black’s horrendous rhyming to Kodak Black struggling to even stay on tempo to Kodak Black failing to stay on topic and especially down to Kodak Black being a repulsive human being.  I wish I didn’t look this guy up, but I’ve never heard of him before this song and I wish I never heard of him because this guy has a massive criminal record, with his most famous charge being multiple counts of rape and sexual assault.  Which, yeah big surprise, not all rappers are outstanding citizens, but for the love of Christ, it’s hard to feel for the guy when this song’s mere existence is about Kodak bragging about how people don’t want to see him be successful:

Lil Kodak they don’t like to see you winnin’ they wanna see you in the penitentiary

That’s because you deserve to be in jail you piece of shit.  Hell do you guys want to know what the original lyrics were for this song?

I get any girl I want I don’t gotta rape

.....WHY THE FUCK DO YOU BRING IT UP THEN?  That’s like Chris Brown constantly reminding us of the incident in his music for so many years.  It only buries yourself deeper you asshole.

But you know what really rears its ugly head into the room?  The fact that the further this song goes, it just gets even uglier by bringing racial stereotyping onto due process.  No, the real reason people don’t want to see him successful is because of his race.  That is so far removed from the truth that it’s irritating.  Race has nothing to do with why you keep ending up in jail.  Do I need to remind you why you keep ending up in jail?

-Being placed in a youth detention center as a teenager three times in one year and was placed in probation for the years to follow.

-Possessing a weapon by a convicted felon, possession of drugs, and fleeing from officers.

-Charged with arm robbery and false imprisonment.

-Criminal sexual assault.

-Charged with even more possession of drugs.

-EVEN MORE drug possession.

-EVEN MORE sexual assault by taking a girl to his hotel room, biting her on the neck, raping her as she screams for help, and telling her “he can’t help himself”.

-Violating his probation AGAIN.

And yet do you know what keeps trending on Twitter?  #FreeKodak.  No.  How about #FuckKodak.  Fuck Kodak for being a despicable human being.  But more importantly, Fuck Kodak for being a terrible rapper.  We can do so much better.

 

Spoiler

Just when I thought crossover country music was becoming a thing of the past, we finally let one cross over that's far worse than I would ever imagine.

19. “Body Like a Backroad” – Sam Hunt

Ladies, let me ask you a simple question.  If your man compared your body to a beaten down potholed filed, bumpy path that doesn’t get any action…oh good lord I think I’m going to puke just based off the subcontext…how long would it take for you to slap the hell out of him?  I’m going to stop myself before I dig any deeper into just how flawed the song is on its own merits.  This is by far the stupidest song I’ve heard in the past year, maybe two.  The only reason this avoids the bottom is because this is the sort of bad music that I’m at the very least nostalgic for.  But even then, that doesn’t excuse this for being an incoherent insufferable mess.  I mean this is a song you dedicated to your fiancé of all people and this is the best you can do?  You could compare her body to a bar stool and make it sound more heart felt than a fucking back road.

Just when I thought country music was getting out of the pits of hell that was bro-country, we get quite possibly the worst of the bunch from one of the most obnoxious country artists out there.  Hell I wouldn’t even consider this country based off the trap snares and trop pop production.  Whatever you want to classify it as, it’s shit.  It’s a heaping pile of shit that is now the biggest country song of the past four years.  Joy.

 

Spoiler

The name of this song alone should justify its place here.

18. “XO Tour Llif3” – Lil Uzi Vert

…I don’t get Lil Uzi Vert.  WHAT IS THE APPEAL!?  How does he even have a fan base?  I thought we all agreed that he was not good and yet his songs are still performing well on the Hot 100 with Bad and Boujee raising his stock even higher.  And just like I mentioned above with Kodak, Uzi can’t stay on topic to save his life and for a song talking about suicidal themes, that should give you plenty of material to rap about.  But good lord, we can’t have a song where he talks about all his friends being dead without mentioning that he is stealing your girl…again.  And apparently this song has a challenge now too because good lord do we need even more viral hits.  No, let’s call this song for what it really is.  This is unlistenable trash and I’ll be glad when the rap scene finally leaves Lil Uzi Vert behind even though he's only been around for less than year.  He's THAT BAD.  Next.

 

Spoiler

17. “Issues” – Julia Michaels

………okay I'll bite.  What the hell is this shit?  SEE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT?  ANYONE CAN HAVE A POP HIT THESE DAYS WITH THE SIMPLEST SOUNDING SHIT FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF $9.99 PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING!

Okay so this isn’t any anyone.  Apparently, she’s another songwriter who decided to play popstar for a day and got an eventual top ten hit.  Say what you want about songwriters becoming pop artists but at the very least I got the appeal of some of the more recent ones like Ed Sheeran, Sia, Bruno Mars…honestly guys I could go on about the many artists who got their starts off as in demand hit songwriters, but at the very least, they all had something going for them.  They showed off who they are, what they are capable of, why they are talented.  I got nothing from this the first moment I heard it and I still got nothing months later.

I looked up Julia Michaels online and I’m honestly not surprised this has been as successful as it has because she has written songs for what feels like literally everyone like: Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani, Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, Fifth Harmony, Nick Jonas, Linkin Park, Demi Lovato, Hailee Steinfeld, Jason DeRulo….christ this list is ridiculously long.  It’s easy to see why the music industry is pushing this song so heavily because she has been involved with nearly every pop song of the last four years. 

So yeah I’m all but certain this song is a hit because of all those major names promoting it because there is literally nothing else to this.  For a song about someone who has relationship and personal problems, this has all the passion of a flickering lightbulb.  Next.

 

Spoiler

16. “Say You Won’t Let Go” – James Arthur

You know shortly after I posted that status about this guy being an Ed Sheeran ripoff, I decided to do a little more research about him…and wow, his history is far more interesting than this song ever will be.  Apparently he’s a former UK X-Factor winner who Simon Cowell had to boot off his record label due to a long string of controversy shortly after winning.  He wrote a song that had multiple homophobic lyrics that pissed off the LBGT community, got involved with multiple sex scandals (some with underage girls), and battled drug addiction.  Honestly, it was quite the intriguing research and this right here is his comeback single after being out of the public spotlight for two-three years.  And…I still have nothing to say about this monotonous utter bore.  I hate to go back to the Ed Sheeran comparisons again, but Ed’s delivery is at least endearing with his accent.  He met this girl at a party and plans to spend the rest of his life with her.  That’s just sloppy and not endearing in the slightest.

 

Spoiler

15. “Shape of You” – Ed Sheeran

This blatant trend hopping cash grab has spent twelve weeks at number one.  TWELVE.  FUCKING.  WEEKS.  Hell it was number one last time I did this damn ranking idea and it still is now.  If that isn’t a sign of how unimportant pop music is now, I don’t know what is.

 

Spoiler

14. “Bad and Boujee” – Migos (featuring Lil Uzi Vert)

For the record, I was asked on the XAT sometime after I posted this, if I like Migos, what’s my favorite song of theirs?  Answer: Look at My Dab.  Absolutely over the top ridiculous but just all around fun.  That’s the sort of Migos I like.  Not this dark monotonous crap.

 

Spoiler

13. “Rockabye” – Clean Bandit (featuring Sean Paul & Anne-Marie)

Why do I have a feeling I’m the only person who doesn’t care for this?  And that’s come a long way from someone who wrote a very positive review about their first hit three years ago.  I absolutely did not expect Clean Bandit to get a second hit stateside, but with how much this blew up internationally, I really shouldn’t be surprised.

I’ll give the song credit.  Taking on the subject of being a single mother is an incredibly tough one to tackle and for the most part it gets the writing tone right.  It just gets everything else wrong.  Why in the hell would you make the production so bright and bubbly when what you are singing about something so serious?  Especially when the title of the song is called ROCKABYE, which in case you’ve forgotten, is something you do to put a baby to sleep.  And when the production of the song isn’t as overly messy as it is, you absolutely waste your Sean Paul guest credit by giving him such an uninteresting verse.  Sean Paul is supposed to make your song far more fun, light hearted, and nonsensical.  The decision to take Sean Paul so self seriously is just baffling.

And before you guys point it out, yes Rather Be was a messy song as well, but it was supposed to be light hearted fun.  This on the other hand, is not.

 

Spoiler

12. “Stay” – Zedd & Alessia Cara

Is it Zedd’s job to make his collaborators ridiculously boring?  Because he is certainly doing a good job at it.  Foxes, Ariana Grande, Hayley Williams, Selena Gomez, Hailee Steinfeld, Kesha, and you can now add Alessia Cara to this list.  At the very least, Alessia Cara does get to show off some singing in this to remind me that she is at least talented.  But the production on this is an absolute disaster as I can point out how much of what Zedd is doing reminds me of other acts.  The transitions and the breakdown and drop?  Definitely Chainsmokers-esque.  The second verse?  Kygo.  The humming over the entire song?  Kanye.  The vocal blending?  Labrinth.  The tropical vibe?  Oh you can insert pretty much every pop song out there right now, but I’m going to say Major Lazer because of the chorus.  There is not a single original thought inserted into this song and if it wasn’t for Alessia at least trying in this, I would hate this a lot more than I do now.

 

Spoiler

11. “Mask Off” – Future

Honestly, for as interchangeable as I find almost all Future songs, I think this one is not bad.  It’s still uninteresting because I still don’t give two shits about what Future is rapping about because he always raps about the same three topics over and over and over again.  This time, it’s about his rags to riches story and…why in the hell am I wasting my time covering the basic foundation of the song?  Even everyone who actually likes Future knows he does the same shit.

No, the real reason I have this ranked higher is because of that sample.  Sweet Jesus do I love that sample.  It samples “The Prison Song” by Tommy Butler and it samples it beautifully.  I could just listen to the instrumental version of this all day and it’s by far the best production Metro Boomin has ever done.  Too bad I just don’t care about the rest of it.

 

Spoiler

Guys, as I take a look at the Hot 100 right now, I think it’s safe to say that The Chainsmokers fifteen minutes of fame is ending right before our very eyes.

10. “Paris” – The Chainsmokers

Don’t let the rising chart position over the winter charts fool you.  I still don’t particularly find this either good or bad.  It’s just average.  Instead, let’s take a look at the fact that The Chainsmokers released their first full length album and not a single new song from said album charted.  In today’s “let’s release everything from our album at once” chart days, that’s not a good sign for mainstream longevity.

Also, I think everyone is starting to catch on that The Chainsmokers are a one trick pony:

 

Two million views in three days.  This is about to go viral, mark my words.  The backlash is finally kicking in after nearly a year of nonstop material from them.  Let’s see where they go from here, I’m intrigued how they handle it.  Do they flood the market with nonstop music with a decrease in quality like Drake or do they disappear for awhile and comeback even better than before?

 

Spoiler

9. “I Feel It Coming” – The Weeknd (featuring Daft Punk)

I’m still feeling a warm spot.  I started to like this more shortly after the last go around, but then I started to get tired of it again after my job updated their playlist with more recent material.  Hearing this every two hours certainly doesn’t help a song I've been indifferent about.

 

Spoiler

Even though I’ve said time and time again that I have no shame with how I rank any of my lists, I’m slightly embarrassed about my next one because…well I think the lead artist is honest to god horrible and has no reason to be successful, but now I only say congrat-

8. “Congratulations” – Post Malone (featuring Quavo)

What can I say?  This track is a banger.  For all the shit Metro Boomin has produced and believe me, he has produced a ton of lifeless beats, when he’s on…he is on.  He takes the lifeless atmosphere here and just makes it work as Post Malone…yeah if anything, Post Malone’s vocal work is still terrible.  I just don’t like his slurring autotuned moaning he does and never will.  But at the very least, the story he tells is good about how it took hard work and patience to get to the level he’s at and now he’s celebrating his successes.

And can I just say that Quavo is becoming one of the better guest artists in today’s rap scene?  He’s definitely my favorite of the Migos trio and I know this was released before Bad and Boujee became the massive hit is today, but the timing of this being released as a single just plays off better because Quavo definitely has a ton of reasons to be celebrating his successes.  And he just has so many good lines that he steals this song from Post Malone’s mumble mouthed self.

Yeah I still think Post Malone is one of the worst acts in any genre right now, but congratulations.  Even the most untalented of hacks can have a good song in them somewhere.

 

Spoiler

7. “Something Just Like This” – The Chainsmokers & Coldplay

So let’s continue our look at the unoriginality of The Chainsmokers as they are bringing Coldplay with them in rehashing past hits.  The Chainsmokers completely rehash the drop from Roses while Coldplay completely rehashes the melody from Hymn for the Weeknd.  I should be absolutely annoyed by this….right?

Well here’s the thing…I’m not.  I actually like this.  Far more than I should.  Primarily because they are making technicaly improvements on both songs.  As much as I loved the messiness of the drop from Roses (and still love that song more than this), this one is far more polished, even if it is just a blipping synth.  It’s a beautiful blipping synth.  And as for the Hymn for the Weekend rehashing…I actually like it more than Hymn for the Weekend itself, which I feel like I’m the only person who posted a 2016 year end list that didn’t really like that song as much as the others did, sorry.

Look, I know I’m probably in a slim minority, but if you are going to rehash the same song, at least make some sort of improvements where they were sorely needed and I can get behind this for doing just that.  I’ll take it.

 

Spoiler

Speaking of rehashes, one thing I’ve said in this thread multiple times completely applies to the next song.  If you are going to do a song based off the bare minimums, those bare minimums better be damn impressive.  And all I got to say about these bare minimums are: …damn.

6. “Location” – Khalid

The moment I heard this kid’s voice, I was hypnotized.  Then I checked out his age…he’s only eighteen.  Wow.  As for the song itself, it’s about young love and the way he tells this story about young love sounds far more mature and older than his age would perceive it to be.  On his lists of artists he’s inspired by, he mentions Frank Ocean and I can absolutely see it.  Frank Ocean is one of the few mainstream R&B artists out there right now that is a honest to god storyteller that hooks you in with every word.  Now comparing this kid to Frank Ocean is absolutely not fair right off the back, but that’s how good of a first impression he made on me just by himself.

As for the rest of the song, the production is extremely simple, which works in favor of the story it’s telling, but man this song would be so much higher if it wasn’t for those damn backing chipmunk vocals.  I'M SORRY BUT IT'S 20FUCKING17 WHY IS THIS STILL A THING.  But hey, color me intrigued as to where this kid's career goes from here.  I'm impressed.

 

Spoiler

5. “iSpy” – KYLE (featuring Lil Yachty)

Still am not a fan of Yachty’s verse, but as I said last time, I definitely prefer any sort of happy sounding music in such a dark landscape.  This definitely keeps growing on me.

 

Spoiler

There’s a reason I choose to rank this week.  Because with all the streaming records it’s breaking, Kendrick is about to shake up the charts next week and while I look forward to that, I don’t want to talk about him the entirety of this post.  And while this isn’t the best song from that album, it’s still pretty DAMN. good.

4. “HUMBLE” – Kendrick Lamar

I’m just going to point this out, the video is ten times better than the song itself.  This just feels like a huge song from Kendrick’s lines to the production from Mike Will.  Everything about it just feels massive and I dig the hell out of it.  It not only challenges your perception to be humbled by the self proclaimed greatest rapper in the game but to be humbled about your perception on life.  The thing that prevents this from being a great song in my eyes is the transition from Kendrick talking down to his lessers about how great he is to pivoting about his critiques of beauty standards.  Where the hell did that transition even come from?  If this was any other rapper on this list, that would be ridiculously baffling, but Kendrick has more than enough charisma to make that transition work fairly well at least.  And if this was any other rapper, I would probably not be as big a fan of this either.  But that just goes to show how talented Kendrick is that his character and his charisma can carry what would otherwise be a piece of mediocrity to a very good song.

 

Spoiler

As strange of a year this has been, you know what the strangest thing has been?  Selena Gomez reminded me how talented she truly can be.

3.  “It Ain’t Me” – Kygo & Selena Gomez

 

There is no denying this is the best Selena has sounded in years and it’s because of multiple things.  For starters, this is about reminiscing about why you are moving on from an ex-lover.  Revisiting all the reasons like staying out late, drinking too much, and just being a general douche and it’s pretty obvious who this douche is:

It’s very easy to see why Selena Gomez has finally had enough after all these years and this just feels like a final sendoff to this asshole for good.  Selena’s performances have always been executed well when they are restrained and Kygo definitely does more than enough production wise to just mesh it all together so well and that chorus…good lord that chorus is an earworm just chopping away at you.  I love every minute of this and I’m definitely intrigued as to where Selena goes from here.  More of this please and less ofwell everything that I heard from her the past two years.

 

Spoiler

2. “That’s What I Like” – Bruno Mars

 

Would you look at that?  I got a prediction right for a change.  My love for this continues to grow deeper and Bruno is still fucking awesome.  The only person on this list who feels like an actual star.  I mean who else would make a music video this simplistic and not make it feel like the coolest thing ever?  Damn it Bruno you lazy son of a bitch.  I love you so much.

 

Spoiler

So last time I did this Billboard ranking, I placed Chained to the Rhythm at the top.  I’m absolutely not sorry about placing it that high…but I will admit that I definitely got trigger happy because of it being new and something that feels fresh on how stale the charts have been this year.  It definitely has its fair share of problems, but I’m sorry guys, I still love it and would not be surprised to still see it on the year end list.  That being said, my number one this time around is also a new entry to the Hot 100.  And just like last time, I question if it will be sustainable as a hit.  And just like last time, I certainly hope it does because it’s a much needed breath of fresh air in this pop culture landscape….and it comes from one of the kids from One Direction.

1. “Sign of the Times” – Harry Styles

 

Harry Styles just lapped Niall and especially Zayn in terms of the race for best career post One Direction, it’s not even close.  Look, I’ve already briefly hinted that I love this pretentious song.  It’s so full of itself trying to be a grandiose artistic masterpiece right down to the "look at me I'm a true artist" singles cover artwork that has so many hidden meanings man.  And it absolutely works.  Harry Styles singing is fantastic, the production absolutely works, the song may start off very slow but for just reasons because of what it builds up to.  Every single minute of this song is just glorious.  Rarely does a power ballad crossover in the mainstream anymore that it makes me long for the days of David Bowie, Queen, Meat Loaf.  If this is the closest thing we are going to get to those days anymore, I’ll gladly take it any chance I get.  There are times where I should just shut up and let the music speak for itself.  If you haven’t heard it yet, do yourself a favor and click play.  You won’t regret a single second of that song.

Thanks for reading as always guys.  It's great to be back.

[Wumbo]

Even though I still love two Chainsmokers songs, god damn the Chainsmokers suck hard

[Young Nug]

-The beat for Tunnel Vision is not repulsive so plz leave America

-All your friends must be dead because XO Tour Life a fucking BLASSIC

- I'm glad we agree Julia Michaels is some straight suck

-Shape of You is pretty uninspired but was kinda destined to hit #1 and is catchy so I can't be too mad at it

-yeah that's fucking right you BETTER praise Metro Boomin, Mask Off beat of the fuckin year Metro ruling the charts rn

-oh alright but then you're gonna diss him a couple tracks later huh, meatloaf boy?  Metro always comes with that fucking FIRE fuck what you heard Trappy

-But yeah Congratulations (and surprisingly, a lot of Stoney) is really good

-Khalid fantastic

-iSpy pretty high on ur list for how much it gives into the stereotypes of other songs that are way lower but hey, *picture of Kermit drinking tea*

- 24K Magic top 10 records of 2016 don't quote me (fuck maybe top 7)

- and finally, my reaction to your number one pick:

Spoiler

but different strokes for different folks I suppose, good list

[Wumbo]

I just decided today that "Paris" is the worst thing I've ever heard and it needs to die in a fire

[Clappy]

Love me some replies:

22 hours ago, Wumbo said:

Even though I still love two Chainsmokers songs, god damn the Chainsmokers suck hard

Trust me.  It took me awhile to get the Nickelback comparison to that link Todd shared on Twitter once, but now I absolutely get it.  I can't unlisten to their material they've released this year without realizing how much they are rehashing their stuff from last year.  That's not to say it's all bad, but it shows how little depth they really have.

6 hours ago, Bada Bing Nuggets said:

-The beat for Tunnel Vision is not repulsive so plz leave America

-All your friends must be dead because XO Tour Life a fucking BLASSIC

- I'm glad we agree Julia Michaels is some straight suck

-Shape of You is pretty uninspired but was kinda destined to hit #1 and is catchy so I can't be too mad at it

-yeah that's fucking right you BETTER praise Metro Boomin, Mask Off beat of the fuckin year Metro ruling the charts rn

-oh alright but then you're gonna diss him a couple tracks later huh, meatloaf boy?  Metro always comes with that fucking FIRE fuck what you heard Trappy

-But yeah Congratulations (and surprisingly, a lot of Stoney) is really good

-Khalid fantastic

-iSpy pretty high on ur list for how much it gives into the stereotypes of other songs that are way lower but hey, *picture of Kermit drinking tea*

- 24K Magic top 10 records of 2016 don't quote me (fuck maybe top 7)

- and finally, my reaction to your number one pick:

  Reveal hidden contents

but different strokes for different folks I suppose, good list

Damn where do I start with you except thank you for sharing.

-No you get out.  I admit I liked the first five seconds of that beat but it went so far downhill afterwards...and then you have Kodak's annoying voice all over it.  Yeah fuck it.

-Its such a blassic you can't type the name out properly  ....no but seriously, at least can you explain to me the appeal of Lil Uzi Vert now because I remember when we talked about him like six months or so ago and you thought he was terrible.  What changed?  He still sounds like shit lol.

-Oh most definitely she's straight suck.

-If I hear Shape of You one more time though...

-Going to kill two birds with one stone here.  I don't hate Metro bruh.  But you pointed it out for me.  He's the current top producer in rap right now.  Of course he's going to have his fair share of awesome production work and straight shit.  He's not always going to be straight fire man.  I will say this though.  If my least favorite work of his right now is Tunnel Vision, then that's showing how much I prefer him right now in comparison to when DJ Mustard was all over the radio back in 2014 where it was nearly the same shit every time.

-I listened to Congratulations twice on the drive home from work today.  I can't help myself.  Metro made a Post Fucking Malone song a banger.

-I am curious as to how that Khalid song got so big, but I don't care it's awesome.

-I already talked about iSpy more in depth two and a half months ago man and didn't really want to go that in depth again lol.  I know it gives into the same stuff I hated on others, but the way Kyle just shrugs off the fact that he's a horny dick is just hilarious.  Plus dude that production is so uplifting and happy that it helps a hell of a lot more than those monotonous songs below it.

-We've talked about 24K Magic the album already so yeah...

-Oh really you say what about my number one?

 

6 hours ago, Wumbo said:

I just decided today that "Paris" is the worst thing I've ever heard and it needs to die in a fire

If we go down, then we go down together

*lights matches*

[Young Nug]

19 hours ago, Clappy said:

-Its such a blassic you can't type the name out properly  ....no but seriously, at least can you explain to me the appeal of Lil Uzi Vert now because I remember when we talked about him like six months or so ago and you thought he was terrible.  What changed?  He still sounds like shit lol.

A) I spelled classic like blassic on purpose, blood  

B.) I'm not sure. A while ago I thought he was stupid, and he still kind of is, but there's this "so mindblowingly awful its good" charm to Uzi's verse on Bad and Boujee and the same thing is projected in his music proper. I like him a lot more than I used to, and even though he drops a LOT of shit verses (his verse on Travis' RaRa is perhaps the worst guest verse of all time) there's this boundless energy to his music and his beat selection is very good. I dunno what happened but Yachty and Uzi have a couple of very good projects under their belts.

Regardless of why I like Uzi now though, XO Tour Life just has a vibe and an attention grabbing hook that's shocking and somber underneath the hihats and bass. I don't know, I just fuck with it a lot. 

[Wumbo]

I remember listening to that Uzi Vert song and thinking "this is not the worst thing ever" so it's got that going for it which is nice

[Katniss]

20 hours ago, Bada Bing Nuggets said:

Regardless of why I like Uzi now though, XO Tour Life just has a vibe and an attention grabbing hook that's shocking and somber underneath the hihats and bass. I don't know, I just fuck with it a lot. 

 

 

 

 

 

don't you mean "XO TOUR Llif3"?  

[Wumbo]

whenever i see a nugs and clappy beef over music tbh this is how i picture nugs

[Clappy]

2 hours ago, Katniss said:

don't you mean "XO TOUR Llif3"?  

Took the words right out of my mouth.  I wasn't typoing "blassic".

2 hours ago, Wumbo said:

whenever i see a nugs and clappy beef over music tbh this is how i picture nugs

So accurate it hurts.  And meatloaf boy doesn't even know that I don't hate modern rap music lmao.

 

On that note, my next post is going to be another year end countdown because I've been craving to do another random year for months now.  But I'm indecisive as fuck on multiple years, so please vote in the poll above fam and I'll do the year that has the most votes.  Thanks in advance y'all.